Wolf and Owl - Episode 10

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

We’re talking… massage etiquette, cookery brags, the pitfalls of staying overnight at friend’s houses and an utterly life-changing toilet disaster. Plus news on Tom’s percentage-gate shocker from last week's show. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right!

Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Outro Music Impressive in it. The death bringing his head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Okay, Tom, we had an email saying that they want you to, somebody wants you to do the movie intro. Oh, really? For the podcast.

Wow. Yeah. Big. Yeah. So I was wondering if you could do that. So I was wondering if You could do that They came To talk

On a podcast Ladies and gentlemen Make yourself comfortable Swagger up your pace If you're on a walk Because it's time For the Wolf and Al Podcast

Featuring The Man Mountain for the Wolf and Owl Podcast. Featuring the man-mountain, handsome, good-looking Mr Tom Davis and Ramesh. Very good. Really good. What I like about this podcast is when good and early, you do something that you're really pleased with you're absolutely fucking delighted

do you know what he almost he almost he almost sat back like he just watched his kid score a goal at footy no but what I like

is I sat back and chilled your face your face got so close to the while you're waiting to what introduction I give you so close to the camera it looked like a to what introduction I give you, so close to the camera. It looked like a face looking into a spoon.

That's how close, that's how close you got. You were like, oh, close. No, you were so, first of all, I was about to rinse you because when you said podcast for the first time, you weren't sure with the American accent whether to go cast or cast. And so there's a bit of indecision there. And then you just absolutely fucking volleyed it in didn't yeah it was like a really bad first touch oh by the way i need to say one thing before we go any further i've had a couple of people message me about the squeak my squeaky chair

um and i do need to get some wd-40 on it but i haven't done it this week so uh there will be a little bit of people have messaged you about it yeah yeah there's one guy who says i love the podcast but i do find that your squeaky chair and i know itaged you about it. Yeah. There's one guy who says, I love the podcast, but I do find that you're squeaky chat. And I know it's you because it squeaks when you make a really important point. Well, I find it hard to believe it squeaks at all then.

You get to say anything of any substance across fucking nine episodes, mate. You hear it now. I tell you what, it's when I'm laughing. Yeah. Yeah.

Really squeakingaking like a mouse having some sort of attack how are you Tom you good I'm good boy I'm good what have you been up to just in lockdown boy

I've been writing this week getting King Gary up and written just waiting for you to read the scripts slightly bit of a pie face that you still haven't done you. You've had them all week

now. I know, but I've been writing on Ranganations. Yeah, but then you have got that way about you of going, oh, please make sure you send them over as soon as possible. I really want to get my head around them. And that was a week ago and you still haven't even read them. So I'm a bit like

I really worked hard to get them over to you as soon as I could. Well, it's funny you say that because the email that i got looked like a standard email that everyone was getting the scripts at the same time so for you to sort of suggest that that you that you rushed them over to me yeah but i i know that yeah i just always like the sort of thought of you just sort of like sitting there you know like you want those sort of like you know a little bit of light sort of mood lighting on in your kitchen you know just chilled little cup of just sort of sat sat in the kitchen and then i said oh lisa you must come over and listen to this line does lisa ever give you a shoulder rub when you're reading oh god i wish she did do you know when we first got together um you know

when you're trying to like you're sort of trying to do the kind of impressive show that you've got a bit of prowess and you're a bit romantic and stuff like that. I kept talking to her about we were going to go to a hotel for a weekend and I was talking about giving her a massage. And I said, honestly, I'm really good. I wasn't really good at massages. I'm not really good at massages.

But I sort of blagged it. I was going, when we get to the hotel, I'm going to give you a really good massage. And then she was like, oh, cool, cool, cool. And then when we got to the hotel I'm going to give you a really good massage and then she was like oh cool cool cool and then when we got to the hotel we checked in and just looking around isn't the hotel room isn't nice isn't it great and she's been a bit she's been a bit quiet

just a bit off and I was like are you okay and she said I've got to talk to you something that's been playing of playing on my mind since we started talking about coming to the hotel i really don't like massages oh wow and basically yeah basically i'd been i'd been giving her this kind of i've been talking i've been talking up such a big game it actually started to give her anxiety about how she's going to break it to me

that she didn't what i love is it's even worse right if massages were your special move like incredible masseuse. Do you know what I find slightly worrying about it? Is that since then, we've done spa weekends and stuff like that. She's always been bang up for getting a massage. Yeah, but this is the trouble, mate. Like this is, if I'm going to be honest with you, having given a couple of massages in my life,

and I think I've even given you a shoulder up, I think I've got a decent sort of grasp of it. But, mate, if you're in a hotel you have to you have to go to the professionals no but this wasn't a hotel this wasn't a hotel that had a spa what i'm saying what i'm saying to you is more as you're probably more worried about where you're taking her if it was a hotel no but what i mean yeah but we listen we're not we're not started going out with lisa we're both you know we're teachers mate it's not like we've got like fucking money to burn on spa hotels we're barely able to fucking feed ourselves right so when when i took her to this hotel what i'm saying to you is

she had uh she looked at she had no she liked massages right obviously that's now it's been she's been that she's been unmasked as a fucking liar, right? But at that time, she didn't know what my massages were like. So she has just looked at me and thought that's the sort of bloke that I don't want a massage from. Do you know what I mean? That is what I think is the situation there. I stayed in a really nice hotel recently, right?

And whilst there, I had really bad lower back pain. I was like, I think I talked to you about it. I was like, fucking hell, like getting out, I could barely even get out of bed. I was like an old man. Who were you staying at a hotel with?

Well, Catherine. Jack White was actually staying there at the same time as well. Just thought I'd name drop. So did you get a join in door or were you all in the same room? No, no, he was on the top floor. He was in the penthouse. I bet he was. I go for this massage and it's like quite expensive,

like 80 quid. I turn up and there was this quite sort of like, sort of robust but sort of quite firm Russian woman. And I said, oh. Do you think robust is all right to say? Yeah, I think robust is alright to say? Well yeah I think robust is yeah

I'm going to tell you what I think is wrong with robust and by the way congratulations on using a word appropriately in context but what I would say is robust is what robust suggests to me robust first of all is not a compliment but it also suggests Let me just quickly jump in there

there's no way when you hear the story would be someone I'm complimenting or throwing any light on. No, but that's what I'm saying. Robust is not a compliment. And it also sounds like the sort of word you use instead of using something much more insulting. You've gone through your register of about,

I imagine, two or three words that you could use that you could use in this situation right so one of which is probably completely wrong i did mean robust in a decent enough way in a way that i meant robust as in she's probably been through quite a lot you know like a sort of like a pan that you've had for years like a frying pan you've had for years but sort of like although it's a bit natty it's still it still can cook good scrambled eggs type thing that's that's what i meant so a woman that looked like she'd been through a lot yeah and and and circumstances a dictator that now she was faced with giving you a massage yeah but she was quite yeah she was both short in in physical physical uh but also short as a sort of like in how she talked and i

sort of said um i stood there in just my fucking those paper pants they give you when you go for a massage type thing so it's straight away it's not the most sort of like you you feel uh emasculated anyway and then she turns around and i say oh look you know i've got this really sore lower back it's really sort of like painful i have trouble getting out of bed oh yeah have you got any advice for it and she just looked me up and down she went lose weight oh my god she said just like number one she was a bit short when she walked into the room by the way and i was standing in the paper pants she was like you're supposed to be on the bed you're supposed to be laying on your... I didn't know that. I was just standing there with these paper pants.

Like you're waiting for your superior officer to give you a fucking examination. Waiting by my bed like I'm in a full metal jacket. Anyway, go on. Also, the trouble with it after that is she knew that i was deeply upset by the face the face that i pulled from that right yeah uh so but then i had to have like an hour and 20 minute fucking massage with her after she told me i needed to lose weight and it's you know what

it's like i just didn't there was nothing there then there was no sort of like no but you're like a friendly bond between you you're like when the masseuse like sort of is giving you a massage and it feels like they care about you and they want you to feel nice no i don't think there should be i don't think there should be a bond yeah what's your face when you're having a massage i always think that you it's a really difficult one because you don't want to lie there smiling like you're really enjoying it. But you also don't want to just look at a completely straight face.

It's very difficult. I could never, do you know when you watch people, whenever you see people on TV having a massage, when they say things like, oh, that's love. I could never, I don't know what level of comfort

I'd have to reach for me to be to feel okay about going oh that is, that hits the spot oh that's, oh you're getting all my I'm always silent have you ever fallen asleep I've fallen asleep and been lying there and woke myself up snoring, like that's

one of the worst ones but you know what my problem is, you know why I can't bring myself to fall asleep because of how much money they cost and so the idea no but I've got to be awake for every single minute

you're joking I'm not joking if something makes me fall asleep like that that's well worth it's money I will tell you what i will tell you now sleeping during a massage is the best sleep you'll ever have in your life well i can imagine that's the case but it's never happened to me i had similarly i went and had hypnotherapy and i'd say you were too strong-minded for hypnotherapy it's weird because that sounds

like you're saying in a compliment no no i that. This is the biggest compliment I can give you. I think you'd be like Princess Leia in that situation. That is the biggest compliment. She was the one who could fight the best against the dark side, right? Tom, Tom, Tom. Do you know what's... I don't know what's more insulting about this. The fact that you think that in order to connect with me in some way

that I'm so pathetic, if you bring in Star Wars, I'll somehow lap it up like an eager puppy. Or the fact that you know absolutely fucking nothing about Star Wars and you're just pulling that out of your arm. I've seen the first three. I've seen the first three, haven't I? So, like... No, but Princess Leia's mentally the most strong one, right?

It's Leia. I mean, that's the first thing. It's Princess Leia, okay? I thought it was Leia. I know you did, but it doesn't matter what you thought it was. It's wrong. I've never heard Leia anywhere else.

Leia, I know a couple of Leias around the mix. Yeah, well, very few of the Star Wars names are based on people you know around the Saturn area. Luke is probably the most fucking common name in the deep side. I think when I was hanging out in South Croydon, I knew a Chewbacca

as well. I wonder how many hands there are now. That's a German name, isn't it? Yeah. Very exotic. What happened with hypnotherapy? The first time I went for like a, somebody recommended it to me.

So I went along and they did this thing where you sort of put yourself in kind of your happy place or whatever. Right. And what happens is you go into this state where you just want to fall asleep and I did fall asleep and it was the most incredible sleep but then

I just remember waking up to her going and then when I say two you'll feel yourself back in the room and you'll start to be conscious of your surroundings and then as I say one you'll open your eyes and you'll be back with me here and that's exactly how it happened.

And then I woke up feeling like incredible. Had you dribbled in your sleep? And I don't, listen, I'm not saying anything. I don't know what she could have done anything to me. Had you dribbled in your sleep? No, thank God. But I have done that. I love drooling in my sleep.

What do you mean you love drooling in your sleep? I think it's a sign that you slept really well. If you wake up and your mouth's just covered in drool. Yes. So what you're saying is when I wake up and I've drooled in my sleep, I normally take that as a sign that you've slept really well if you wake up and your mouth's just covered in drool. Yes. So what you're saying is, when I wake up and I've drooled in my sleep, I normally take that as a sign I've slept well. That is not the same as,

oh, I love drooling in my sleep. Oh, God, I love it. Isn't it lovely when you drool in your sleep? It's a nice feeling when you wake up and you've got that dry drool. Yeah, afterwards. Yeah. It's a nice thing for your other half to look across you and see what looks like a slug

has crawled across the length of the pillow Such a nice treat for them As if we weren't attractive enough as it was Here's another thing I work my way across his pillow leaving a fucking trail of effluent Effluent? Fucking hell I work my way across this pillow leaving a fucking trail of effluent effluent fucking hell

you got words for everything didn't you I always think that people you know like with massages though you know what you're saying about oh I can feel really good massages I put them in the same bracket as people who say they're really really good cooks right and their signature dish is a chili con carne that is my thing of like you know when you're chatting to someone you're like oh yeah oh you do like a bit of cooking at home they're like oh yeah i love cooking yeah i'm making like an amazing spaghetti bolognese and

you're like literally literally that's. I know. I know. And also the other thing is that'll be their dish. Right. And listen, I don't dispute that you probably, you know,

by focusing on that one dish over the years, you've become excellent at that. What, what's when somebody says, are you a good cook? You go, not really, but my spaghetti bolognese is quite good because that's all I've exclusively

made. Right. It must be so insulting to chefs to hear people go, not really, but my spaghetti bolognese is quite good because that's all I've exclusively made. It must be so insulting to chefs to hear people just go, I'm a good cook. I'm a good cook. I do an incredible lasagna. And you don't do an incredible lasagna. You do a lasagna that's surprisingly good based on what people know about you.

That's the truth of it. This week, we shot uh league of their own road trip and we had uh you're on a road trip yeah yeah and we had marco pierre white um on the flip side of that there's people who take cooking and stuff so so seriously it's unreal i actually quite liked him as a guy i'd say that i mean we stayed in his hotel which was the most sinister place I've ever been. Why was it sinister? There was just like naked pictures everywhere. Not of him, was it? Some of him.

Some of him. Some of just like various people. Okay, can we just stop there a second? There were photos of him. Yeah. On the walls. Yeah, so imagine like, if you will, probably 10 A4s down by probably eight A4s across, right? That would be a size of one of the pictures of him

with his top off and smoking a cigarette. I don't know. Did you used to work in the printing profession or something? Why is that unit measurement for you? Because I can picture what an A4 looks like. I just multiply it. I understand looks like. I just multiply it. I understand your method. I get what it was.

I don't work in... I mean, I probably could, foot-wise, if I was going to throw eight foot by maybe six foot. Can I ask you a question? How many photos of yourself and Catherine do you have in your house? Like three, I think. And where are they? We've got one in the living room, one in the bedroom,

and one in the guest room. Okay, how big is the one in the guest room? Yeah. Just so when the people wake up. This is why, right? I always find that when you wake up in somewhere that you don't know where you are, it's good to sort of quite quickly remember where you are what are you doing in the what are you two

doing in the photo uh it's like a wedding picture but i always think it's a good thing to wake up and go i'm fucking aware of my own katherine tom's house can i tell you something yeah genuinely that might be the most the smartest thing i've ever heard you say on this podcast thank you the most the smartest thing i've ever heard you say on this podcast thank you because the number of times quickly by the way also go back and say the christmas tree cyberpunk a lot of these other things that i've said that okay okay okay let's just break okay by the by the way don't start me don't get me started on this this point scoring thing because you've had a fucking this week you've had an absolute fucking shocker just so you know i haven't talked to you about it yet but the the email inbox for wolf and our pods has been fucking fizzing and you haven't come out of this well really yeah really well so before we get into that before we get into that

um the photo thing because i have that a lot where you wake up, particularly when you're on tour, you wake up and you think, I don't know where the hell I am. Obviously, it wouldn't help me to have a photo of you and Catherine at every hotel I go to. But if I was at your house and I woke up not sure where I was, that's actually really helpful. Yeah. And also I think there when you look at it,

it sort of makes you remember to sort of behave yourself. What do you like at other people's houses? I don't stay at other people's houses. Don't you? Why? I just don't. I don't like it. Really? I love it. Yeah. It's one of my favourite things.

Do you love being nervous about needing a shit? Do you enjoy that, do you? I don't get nervous about needing a shit, really. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Promo code searching. It takes skill. Speed.

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that they might even do their utmost to kind of hold it on until they leave, right? Now, obviously, if you're staying overnight somewhere... I think it's the greatest honour you could bestow on another person that you feel so relaxed you go for a shit at someone else. If you came to my house, right, and I saw you sneak off, we're playing a game of monopoly

or cludo we had a couple of beers right you me lisa and katherine were having a right laugh and you sort of give lisa a little nod and you sort of shuffle out of the room right i'd also give lisa and katherine a nod i'd say sorry ladies um uh no one steal from the bank but uh i'll be back in a second um i'd like just follow you to one of the toilets you're in, right? And I'd just sort of, with a reassuring thing, I'd hear you go for a plop,

right? And I'd hear you pull up your panties and your jeans. So, no wiping, no? No. In your fantasy? No,

you obviously, I hear like the toilet roll go a couple of times, right? and then when you open the door i'd sort of like nod at you and say thank you thank you can i tell you can i tell you something yeah that you you are let me just put it put it across from my point of view that is absolutely the worst thing that is one step away from sort of going, can I come in with you and watch? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But let me explain to you why. If I got to that point, let's just assume that, first of all, I would never be that relaxed about it, right?

What would genuinely happen is you and I would be playing Monopoly Included and I'd be thinking, why the fuck have we come to their house? And then I'd maybe start to... Yeah, because I know what you'd be like, oh, has anyone played Cards Against Humanity? That'd be your little vibe., has anyone played Cards Against Humanity? That would be your little vibe. I've never played Cards Against... I do like Uno, though.

Anyway, so I'd be very nervous. If I started to need a shirt, I'd be really, really worried about it. I'd be anxious. Mate, if you'd had loads of my vegetarian chili con carne, you'd definitely need a shirt. Yeah, I'd imagine. And imagine it had taken a long time for you to get it out to the table

because you're working on the spice blend or something. So we'd be filling up on bread throughout the night. Come up with some bullshit story about how the chili con carne is so good it doesn't require a starter. That's probably the most accurate thing you've ever said about me i'd rather not sully it honestly i'd love for the genuinely you'll be glad you haven't spoiled your palate when it's chili con cali comes out anyway so i'd be really nervous about taking a shit and then eventually i'd give lisa a nod and she would know that i'm about to have a panic attack

because I have to take a shit at your house. It would be horrendous. And genuinely, I would rather bring the evening to an early end and go home than take a shit at your house. No, but you're staying the night because I live miles away from you, so you're staying the night. Okay, fine. So we're staying the night.

So I have to stay, right? So I have to go. Now, the truth is, if I was staying at your house, do you want to know what I genuinely to, right? So I have to go. Okay. Now, the truth is, if I was staying at your house, do you want to know what I genuinely do? What? I would hold it in to the point where my conversation would be so stilted that after we'd gone to bed, you and Catherine would be having a chat about, do you think, because I always thought you and Rom got on,

but it just seemed like he was really just not happy to be here. I know this now because he just needed a he was really just not happy to be here and you're gonna know this now because i could go he just needed a shit yeah so i would wait the truth is if i stayed at your house i would wait and then i reckon about 2 2 30 in the morning i would i was because i'd be awake the whole time because obviously i've got a turtled poke and there's nowhere i can go to sleep would lisa sleep for it or lisa lisa would be asleep instantly she'd go oh god i feel so sorry for you but your your anxieties are not my problem good night so she'd be snoring away probably wake you up yeah and then i would i would creep down the corridor i don't know what the geography of your place is yeah and uh i would

just try and curl one out quietly we have a downstairs toilet by the way so you could i'd just say to you that if i know your situation if you need a shit in the night just go down downstairs but the idea that i would take a shitty house that i'd end up taking a shitty house and then open the door to find you right outside it it's honestly mate it's sort of making me nervous even this is how it would go down if i was at the reaganathan house right I would sit there we're playing Uno right we've had like a vegetarian flan or something right

I would turn around and say Lisa do you mind if I use your bathroom please and she'd be like why is that I actually sort of get your logic here, but why is it you turn to Lisa and ask her...

Yeah, because I like weird buddies. And also... Right, right, right. I just think it's polite to turn to Lisa and say, okay... And Lisa would go, okay. Yeah. But she will know that I've...

By the way, just so you know, Tom's got this weird cultural thing where he thinks it's a real honor bestowed upon us if he lays a load of cable in our toilet yeah but then i to make it feel relaxed i'd quote one of my favorite ever lines from uh scott of the antarctic you know when um oats leaves them in and he just says i'm going out i might be some time right and he leaves the tank so he knows he's gonna die die. I turn around to you, Lisa and Catherine,

and say, I'm just going upstairs. I might be some time. Right. And then Catherine would go, he does that every single time. He thinks it's funny. And it's actually,

it's probably one of the things I think most about when I stave his fucking head in. And then I'd go, I'd probably put some paper around the toilet seat uh yeah yeah oh that's nice of you um put a little bit of paper in the actual water itself so we don't get any splash back um and uh yeah they're just i can have a big old dump yeah i mean you know i think i think i can take it my imagination could take from there tom no then

when i came down, I hope that I wasn't judged by it. I come down, I'd say, thank you for the use of your lavatory. Would anyone like any more of the wine that I brought? Yeah, okay. I mean, yeah, sure. That's the way I would go about it.

I think you would lie there probably going, bloody Tom having a poo in her ass. And Lisa was like, I think it is lovely that you felt relaxed enough to do such a thing. She wouldn't. I'm telling you, mate. She would not say that.

What would she say? She wouldn't. What about, what about what about what about what you know about lisa makes you think that's what she'd say if you took a shit at our house what do you think what What would she say there? I imagine, Tom, she'd let it pass without comment. Unless you'd sort of absolutely fucking rendered the bar from unusable. I mean, this is the worst thing I've had to do at someone's house. I've had to come down and go, excuse me, have you got any bleach?

Oh, my God. have you got any for each oh my god one of the worst things I mean we should probably stop talking about shit really but one of the worst things is there's something really funny about it isn really. But one of the worst things is...

There's something really funny about it, isn't there? But one of the worst things is when I went to see Lisa at her mum and dad's house. Oh, mate, I've got that. Had to take a shit. And then it just wouldn't go away. Do you know what I mean? I just thought, oh, they're a different family to mine,

so they haven't sort of turbocharged their flush to deal with something of this this this is we'll go out on this right because this is this is probably the i don't get too embarrassed about these things but this is one that brought great shame upon me and my family okay go so years and years ago i'm probably about 17 18 i start seeing this girl. I really, really liked her at the time. But she lived in like a pretty big ass, sort of in the sort of posh end of the way. It was like, you know, proper gaff gaff. Yeah.

And my dad sort of thought, oh, fucking hell, you know, he's going to marry into money type thing. So it put a lot of pressure on me for sort of being sort of quite um yeah just speak well don't you know don't be rude you know just mind your p's and your q's and all that so um i go to his house uh her parents straight away i could tell we're like oh my god like who the fuck who the fuck is this guy um and i was trying to be really really posh and tryingh anyway so we sit down and we're having some food and whatever in the middle of the table is what I thought was like chilli

or something right or some sort of seasoning so I just put my eating away I take this and I sort of scrunch it up into the dish right scrunch it up into the dish into my food yeah

you crumble what you think is what a dry chili or something yeah yeah um or some sort of dry sort of um seasoning um it turns out that's potpourri and like i just remember this flowery smell just sort of like i'm like oh no but i covered i didn't just do a little i went in big did people see you do this yeah yeah everyone's just staring at me like what the fuck is he doing right so i then I didn't just do a little, I went in big. Did people see you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's just staring at me like, what the fuck is he doing, right? So I then... Can I just... Before you carry on,

when else have you taken something dried and crumbled it into your food? No, I just... Let me just say this. No, no, no, no. That's not my fucking fault. That's not my fault. That's the fucking...

You don't put anything on the table that can't be eaten. That's the fucking rules of life. So what? Do you melt candle wax onto your fucking plate as well, do you? No. Yeah, in the same way that I don't fucking eat coasters like they're a fucking biscuit. But if you put something that looks edible on a fucking table,

I'm sorry, that's... Tom, listen. I'm not trying to have a go at you. I'm just trying to clarify, okay? If they'd have put potpourri in a pepper mill and you'd ground it onto your food then i'd go fucking hell that's mad right but i guess posh people that's how they have their potpourri yeah but i'd never even i didn't even know what potpourri was at the time this is something in a bowl that you've taken and

crumbled into your food like what no like it's a parmesan or something i just thought that's quite a sort of that's quite cool look the I saw it, they were upper class people. This might be a whole different world that I don't know about. So, you know, and it's, by the way, potpourri is not easy to crumble, as easy as you might think. No, with good reason. It's not a condiment. So I eat the plate of food, right, that they've given to me.

Yeah. Her mother then turns around and says, oh, would you like some more? You know, the speed that you ate that dish with i'm sure so she gives me another dish of food and they all sit staring at me right so instead of just like being um you know i thought i'm gonna double down on this so i got the potpourri again and put it more on my plate right so i'm eating like now two plates of potpourri again and put it more on my plate, right? So I'm eating, like, now two plates of potpourri. Because what?

You want to show the absolute conviction that this is a thing you do? Yeah, because the way I see it, mate, if you're in, you're in. There's no fucking – you can't be half-baked. You've got to go, like, I meant to do that. It was intentional. So they all sit and watch me eat this, right? We then go to the living room and we're sort of sitting around having a chat right i don't know if it was a potpourri or the anxiety or what or just the fact i'd eaten two big plates of food and i'd drank quite a lot of wine but all of a

sudden my stomach went from like not needing the shit to that oh fuck i need i need a shit and i need one now bearing in mind this girl was ever i adored this girl at the time so i was like excuse me um uh might i use your lavatory please um and they were like yeah yeah yeah there's one down there's just one like if you just go out there there's one in the hall i said oh have you got one upstairs um and they were like her dad was quite firm he went you can use the one in the hall and i was like like, oh, right, yeah, okay. Right, I'm going now. I might be some time. To which no one got that reference.

So I go into this tiny little fucking understairs fucking toilet, right? I could barely even fit in it. I'm like a fucking daddy long legs in a small, you know, like when you see them in a small little glass. I'm literally spilling out of it. And there was no fucking, this is why I put toilet paper down now if i go at someone else's house it was like it was carnage i'm not going to get into too much detail but my stomach was just yeah that's despite the potpourri which you thought would have made it yeah yeah fragrant at least so i'm in there it's just coming out of me coming

out and i'm in there probably for about seven minutes, eight minutes. And can you, and I assume it, the best possible outcome, well, the best possible action they can take is to burn this bathroom down and start again. Oh, mate, yeah, yeah. Or burn the house. It was horrible. And also the fact that I'm right next to the living room at this point, where everyone's sitting.

So I know everyone can hear. So in this tiny little bathroom, right, I've sort of seven, eight minutes, between five and ten minutes. So it wasn't as long as 10. It wasn't as short as five. No, I understand. I understand the term. I just wanted to clarify.

He said it's seven minutes. And then he said it's between five and 10 minutes. He said not as long as 10, not as short as five. Anyway, then there's a knock on the door and it's this girl that I was seeing at the time. She's like, are you okay in there? And I was like, yeah, yeah.

And I jumped up off the toilet, sort of, for some reason. And as I jumped up, there was like a little light bulb above me, right? And smashed the light bulb. My head just hit the light bulb. So that whole of this understairs toilet, it just plunged into absolute darkness, like pitch black, right? I could feel my head had been cut, right? But at this point, i hadn't wiped my

ass right and i there's no there's now shattered glass everywhere there's shattered glass everywhere i've cut my head so i know that my head's bleeding quite badly right yeah i also know that somewhere behind me is a fucking toilet that's just fucking stacked full of shit somewhere is the toilet roll and also i need to then to wash my hands and also the fact if we could use it without being too fucking graphic i know this isn't a clean drop there's quite a post-mortem to be done on the toilet right so i sort of like clean myself up and then i'm like you know i'd go to get the sink i turn on the fucking tap you know those tiny little sinks to get the sink, I'd turn on the fucking tap. You know those tiny little sinks you get?

As soon as I turn on the fucking tap, it just fucking spills out. It shoots out water all over my fucking crotch. This is pitch black now, right? Yeah, it's pitch black. Did you switch the torch on on your phone or anything? Mate, this is fucking, I'm a kid. I'm 18. We don't have fucking torches on phones.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. Don't get aggressive with me. Listen, I wasn't Okay, fine, fine, fine. All right, all right. Wait, now I'd be- Don't get aggressive with me. Listen, I'm not- I wasn't there, mate, okay? Yeah, this is literally- You obviously not got closure on this. No, no, because still to this day- Right.

So then I basically, I just stand there. I stood in the dark. By now I can hear them all out there because they've heard a smash glass. So you've brought the- You've brought the- Your shitting has brought the family out of the room well because they've had a sweating glass they've had the toilet seat being knocked down and

they've had water go over there i'm not gonna lie i've sworn a couple of times yeah i've used my potty mouth um and i sort of like her dad was like look you come out come out here now what are you doing in there and i was trying to tell him what happened he did not say yes because mate like honestly by now this is 12 to 13 minutes. Not as short as 10, but not as long as 15. Right? I open the door, and their faces are just disgusted. I've got blood sort of right on my head.

The fucking toilet's just, the smell's horrible. And his mum was, mom was her mom was like are you okay oh my god yeah come with us and sort of sit down and all that um and i was just like yep no no no you know and her face was like oh my god this is disgusting i'm never gonna speak to this guy again her dad was just like her dad had to go from after me and he just made such a big deal out of going oh for oh for crying yeah okay okay right let me have we got any more light bulbs have we got any more light bulbs i need to change the light bulb in here and then his wife turned it off for the switch then it was all this pandemonium uh whilst i was just sort of sitting there with a fucking bit of kitchen roll on my

head um yeah and then uh basically left the house i sort of made my excuses and left i had to walk home uh and then um yeah that girl never spoke to me she actually turned up at one of my gigs uh years later she was like oh my god my parents still talk about that my dad's at my wedding this is the bit worst bit my dad at the wedding told that story and you know said and anyone she got with after that was always going to be better. Oh, my God. That was nice. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking?

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Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. That now. So now I go for a shit in someone's house. I'm like, nothing will be as bad as that. Yeah. And as you were leaving, did you say to him, I actually consider it a great honour? I tried to shake his hand as I left because my dad said,

mind your manners. I was like, I think that horse is bolted. But I turned around and said, thank you so much for having me and offered my hand. And he just sort of looked me up and down. And it was like, yeah, safe, walk home safely. I home safely i said see you soon and he just didn't even respond he just closed the door oh god like and now there's not many understairs toilets and if i was ever like if i was at your house or someone else's house and they said i'll use your understood

toilet i said look naturally i'm too big for it so can i just go upstairs it's time for some emails tom oh wow uh you ready's time for some emails, Tom. Oh, wow. You ready for some emails? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's wrong? I get another head on for emails. I'm still literally going through that.

I've actually got a bit of a cold sweat on thinking about that. Well, I do want to... There's one email that I just want to read quickly. And you might initially take it... We might initially take it as a initially we might initially take it as a bit of an insult but i kind of i think it's quite appropriate being in mind how this podcast i say started we're 40 minutes in right so listen this email is from jericho foray okay um hi there i was quite surprised that i'd got as far as episode 8 of your podcast the reason being

I found the format to be quite jarring and ill planned which was a surprise as I actually like most of the stuff you both do however I wanted to let you know that you really turned it around for me in episode 8 when you gave that bloke some solid sincere advice when you were breaking up with his girlfriend

I shall continue to listen keep up the good work and you'll get there in the end now there's a couple of things about that now first of all what is clear is that jericho has not enjoyed the podcast right no um she's not enjoyed it at all but continue to listen for for eight episodes right yeah that's the first thing the second thing is if jericho you think that the sincere advice that we gave to that guy is going to be an ongoing thing rather than a blip in an otherwise shit talking podcast where two blokes have given it absolutely no thought before they've got on at all then i just want to sort of liberate you from that misconception now listen we're glad we're grateful for your support

we're glad that you listen and when i'm saying this to everybody this isn't going to get any better than this all right let me just tell you something now this is largely going to be two idiots just chatting about feces and massages and shit rather than any noble advice given if you let me just say if you need noble advice get in touch with Niamh and Max from Catfish because that's where you're going to find that. Sure and what I would say is if anything I would say this podcast has probably peaked and I think now what you're watching

is what you're listening to is just two blokes week in week out just desperately trying to grasp at the kind of magic that they thought they had when they started this whole thing so that's kind of where we're at so I guess what i'm saying is joker i'm not upset by your email at all i just sort of i just want to sort of apologize i want to apologize to you

that the podcast isn't what you thought it was going to be but also to explain that it's okay not to like everything that somebody does do you you know what I mean? Like, we both do loads of different things, and if there's something you don't like, it's fine, right? Also, thanks for bearing with us. Like, just thinking that there's something... I would actually say that's a mistake. I would actually say that's a mistake. Thanks for bearing with us just enough

that you thought something good might happen. And, yeah, if you bear with us a little bit longer, you know, episode 16 or 20, you know, something else might happen that you like. it's sort of a bit of a backhanded compliment when the thing that you like most about the podcast is very much an anomaly you know it is is it that i would say that almost that almost by the way that's gone on a list me too me too it's incredible though sort of Jericho just feels powerful. Now, I want to talk to you about the fact that I would say in the last week we've probably had more emails

than we've ever had to this podcast. Okay. And the day after the podcast went out, I reckon we had more emails in that day than we had in the previous week. Wow. And the reason is because you have really pissed people off what wow why um this percentages thing what percentage gate where percentage gate where you sort of said that as a result of inflation it's okay to say a thousand percent you have really

like people have got really angry about it. Wow. I say, I'm exaggerating actually. They're not angry about it. We got, I would say, I would say,

I would say it's not an exaggeration to say we've got hundreds of emails. I've read all of them about purely about this percentage. Yeah. I can see you now just sitting there and you're fucking open toe sandals, just fucking laughing away. Oh, finally they're on my side. No,

I'm not, look, I'm not enjoying this. I'm just saying there was a lot of... Mate, I've never seen you smile. You're smiling like you're getting a fucking foot rub. You're literally grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. I've never seen anything like it.

Now, basically, I looked through all of the emails and all of them said, Tom, you're wrong. A percentage is a maximum. You know, giving of yourself it's a hundred percent and you're mistaking uh percentages and and multiples right and a lot of people said that there was one person that uh that did defend you um who said that they're on your side but apart from that i would say you lost by i would say easily over 99 to one in terms of ratio. So who's the one person who backed me there?

I don't know. You think I fucking printed that out to read out. No, I'm just telling you that happened. Well, can I just say, what I would say, what I would say is this,

and I'm going to mention to you, I find this slightly annoying, right? Because when I first started seeing the emails, I was like, oh yeah, okay, finally,

finally people are on my side right one of the things that universally people said in the email and it really fucks me off right because we had pissy tree we had cyberpunk we've had a number of other things right and all of them that go tom's correct roms wrong i'm on i'm on team tom or whatever of this one almost all of the emails go i love tom but in this instance he's wrong i i normally i agree with tom but i just need to pick him up on this i'm always team tom but on this instance mate when people disagree with me and agree with you they never fucking bother to qualify like that but for some reason when when they dare to disagree with tom they've got got to put a little fucking, Tom is absolutely, just so you know, Tom is absolutely wonderful.

I think he's incredible. But on this instance, I think he might have got his wires crossed. I think because they know that I'm a delicate flower. They know that you are sturdy and strong. And, you know, we'll go back to the analogy I said earlier with you, you know, Princess Leia, you know, we'll go back to the analogy I said earlier with you, you know, Princess Leia, you know, the strongest of minds. They know that I'm probably a little bit more Luke,

a little bit more fragile, a little bit scared. My best friend's a robot type thing. I can't tell you how annoying it is that you keep using Star Wars when you don't. You know why? Because this week I re-watched the three original movies right what did you think

I've watched them before I just yeah actually you know no but what did you think when you went back to them yeah they're great movies do you know what

then this is something I wasn't going to bring up it's made me think about watching The Mandalorian oh shit seriously

yeah I think I've got a little bit of time on the road this week and i think that's what i'm gonna give a try look what what i've realized is and you know i'm getting a an amazing amount of uh messages i'm not sure if you are but about married at first sight australia it seems a lot of people have jumped on on the on the wagon for that people are loving it i i need i need to i need to talk to you about this because... Can I just say something? I can't do any spoilers because I'm not that guy.

And this is something I'll have chats with people. I found this week of Married... This is why I went back and watched Star Wars and this is why I'm going to watch Mandalorian. I found this week of Married at First Sight like genuinely so traumatic and anxiety. I mean, you can... You've been watching it now, right?

So you could... So you get an idea. Like, nothing you've seen so far is indicative of what you're about to go through. There's episodes where I literally say to Catherine after, I'm like, this is insane. Like, insane. Like, why do I feel like this?

It's so horrible. Genuinely, some of the people in there are so horrible. You're like, wowzers. And i don't use that word lightly no more often than not use it incorrectly but um i need to talk to you about married at first sight okay now i i almost don't know if i want to say this to you okay so when like you i don't want to do spoilers right yeah there's a couple of things and you might might be aware of this flying around, right? So I'm just going to... I don't know why you've put... Why have you put a glove on?

I just felt like... It's not that it's a sock. Oh, my God. Why have you put a sock on your hand? I don't know. It's anxiety, I think. It's just we're talking about marriage at first. Why?

Hold on. You're sitting at a desk. Why is there a sock on a desk? I think it's just... Yeah, I think I was wearing it yesterday and I just sort of threw it off casually. So hold on. Jesus fucking Christ, man.

I don't know how to fucking process what I've just seen. And then your explanation for it. The sock you're wearing yesterday has somehow ended up on your desk in your sort of study area. Right? And then upon seeing that sock

and knowing what it is, you put it under your fucking hand. I didn't leave the house yesterday. It's a house sock. Well, listen, tell Catherine I hope she enjoys the house yesterday it's a house sock well listen tell Catherine I hope she enjoys the weird puppet show you've got lined up for after we do this hit me go on so I was watching a couple of bits

of Married at First Sight right and again I don't want to give any spoilers but there's a couple of things as I watched it I thought this feels this feels a bit like fucking implausible this right it's like this is so mad and then we got an email from somebody i haven't printed off but we got an email from somebody going uh guys have you looked at sam's instagram stories right now do you know about this

yeah you know so can i just say something quickly i don't look at anyone's instagram on marriage until the series is over okay fine so i don't look at anyone's Instagram on Married on the First Sight until the series is over. Okay, fine. So I didn't look at his stories, but I know what the gist of the stories are. And do you know what the gist of his stories are? No, no. The gist of his stories are that the whole thing is completely fabricated.

Well, someone wrote a book about this in the last series. Okay, go on. Okay, break it down. So a guy wrote a book who was in it last time, and he wrote a whole book. He was only in it last time okay and he he wrote a whole book he was only in it for the trouble is he was only in three weeks or four weeks so yeah but yeah he wrote a whole book about how the thing was it was made up it was sort of like you know sort of slightly fictitious so what do you think about that if i'm going to be brutally honest any the

guy who wrote the book and sam i don't think you've probably watched enough of it to know about sam they've both been utter pricks yeah so there's a part of me that thinks with sam and this other guy the reason they said that this is a whole fictitious thing is because they comment out of it so badly that they're like oh no it's just a character and a thing okay yeah if if i'm honest with you it'd been someone who'd come out about it who had come across decently and sort of a bit more true then i probably i mean don't get me wrong it's television i work in television you work in television i realized it you know some stuff is manipulated i realize that some people in there for their own ends rather than to find love i generally think that there's people who go in there to find

that thing and i think there's some people who go in there with a sort of slightly more selfish endeavor it's difficult it's difficult this because like actually you and i should be doing a spin-off married at first sight australia podcast because there's loads of shit i want to talk to you about this but at the same time i don't want to ruin it for anybody because i'm behind you and there's loads of shit that where i text you go in i mean i've texted you a couple of times in the last week going can you just tell me if this gets better or worse in terms of like what's got in terms of what these people are doing because i'm feeling fucking like rage now watching mate and i can only tell you this as i've texted you get rid i if i'm honest with you this week i there was a part

of me that was like i don't know if i can watch some of it like it's that's what happened to me significantly worse than the last series there's times in it i'm just like fucking it like and don't like the reason i i think in in myself in in like is it can't it can't be made because when you're sitting watching it right and that someone like sam goes oh this is all fictitious then why have you if it's made up why have you acted the way you are you know it's going on tv it like, if you were basically to catch a predator and you found out they were all actors, you wouldn't take that job with you as an actor. You know,

because no one knows it's fucking fictitious. You're watching it as a reality show. The names didn't, you know, I mean, I got down to the last two for that, but I just, I just thought it's not worth it.

So this week I've just been like fucking out. It's just people in there. They're just absolute. And people that have shocked me, who I really like too. I'm like, wowza. Wowza. Tom.

Yeah, baby. It's about that time, brother. Can you, and by the way, a lot of people are loving these little clothes. I had a listen to that Streets thing. It's very good. He's done a good job. Anyway, Tom, take us out, please.

Yo! Rest easy. Lay back and enjoy it. That's just life. That's what I think anyway. But how do you react when you're pushed and you're pulled? Whether you're lying there getting a massage and you don't know how to rate it to the person.

Do you smile? Do you look miserable? Or do you find that even keel? And that's what we're all looking for in life, is that even keel. Don't push too hard nor lack too deep. When you're coming through life, always try to run that middle ground. Always try to think, how does the other person feel whether that's someone you've met in a bar or someone you're on a first date with or maybe you're taking a dump at someone's house think about others is what i'm trying to say think about what they think how their feelings roll out but sometimes it might

just be a shake of the hand once we're past covid or an arm around the shoulder or in covid times just a nod from two two two meters away to say yo you're okay buddy i got you i got you um that was really really nice tom yeah thank you so much brother uh i will see you next time take care see you down the road baby if you have a problem opinion feedback or anything at all please email us at wolf alpod at gmail.com that's wolf alpod at gmail.com we That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.