Wolf and Owl - Episode 19

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

We’re talking… Newcastle hotel rooms (Rom’s to be precise), Ross Kemp meditation videos, meeting your heroes, eating fish, food ethics and hair control. Plus some email questions about getting on well with your agent and ideas for announcing a surprise birthday present. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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like they rolled in with a gang of crows fuck the censorship let them see the whole thing they stay dressed to kill never sheeps clothing dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all your ears are huff a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the Okay, welcome to the Wolf and Owl podcast. How you doing? Yo, I hope you're ready to listen with some sexy ears um i've got two issues as we go inside this podcast today first of all i'm super sluggish i've literally just minutes ago finished a massive roast dinner wow and also my internet shit do you know i've had curry i curry last night and then I've had leftover curry for lunch.

I thought you told me... I've never made such a pretty... I thought you told me that you're banned from having curry now. Yeah, but I'm back in. I literally had a week, two weeks, and now we're back. We couldn't be bothered to cook last night. And so I had that sweet bomba aloo

and brindle bargy. What's the... You know those potato cakes with green chilli? I had those. They're incredible. Potato cakes I had those they're incredible potato cakes yeah they're potato cake sort of curry things

they're like a sort of yeah there's breadcrumb around there's sort of like mashed potato and green chillies very nice I'm not doing it justice

but it's incredible chop roll chop roll aloo chop aloo chop okay might be a speciality for my curry house

but they're amazing yeah really I'd love you to I'd love to see you eat one why would you love to see me eat one it's just it's just the way

that you look when you're eating certain things I just like the sort of way you feel by the way thank you for the recommendation for

Egg Shack egg shack in Newcastle that was lovely you haven't shouted out what the name of your Indian restaurant is actually have you

Bombay Cottage Bombay Cottage right Bombay Cottage so we've just come back from a week in Newcastle. Best part of a week in Newcastle, filming King Gaza. I got to see what Tom's behaviour on set is like when you're on location. And I've got to say, you know, I thought he was a dick swinger when we're sort of in regular circumstances,

but I really got to see i really got to see how you operate sort of away from home do you mean i mean i think the fact is you have to you have to sort of stamp your authority when you're in foreign foreign lands right and sort of like different parts of the country as soon as i saw that angel of the north i knew i had to go so with it yeah i mean i'm more talking about the way that you speak to other people on the product you know of a cast and stuff the way that you speak to other people on the product, you know, other cast and stuff. The way that you speak to sort of supporting actors and stuff like that. Supporting actors, I get very well with.

I had some great banter with the essays. Actually, some of the best essays. Shout out to the Geordie Essay community, man. Some great human beings out there doing their thing. I mean, look, we put you up in a lovely hotel um you ate like a king me belly was always full yeah you said to me the breakfast i i i listen let me tell you something so last podcast we had the we had the history making first podcast of the wolf and the owl in the same cage right doing the podcast and in. And in that, I mentioned the fact that

I had a much smaller room than you. Anyway, I've spoken to some other people, other members of the cast, that were staying at the hotel. And I'm not saying this for comic exaggeration or to start any kind of thing. I 100%, without doubt right i've i've spoken to everyone that was staying at a hotel i had the smallest room of everyone staying at that hotel really

yes that is such so weird though is it no that is that must be down to that no no listen listen let me tell you something right i i know now i'm pretty sure i'm 90 sure now i'm giving you the opportunity to do the reveal was this some sort of prank that you set up so that i have the smallest room for the four days that were there if i'm going to be honest and i can only be honest with someone that i'm sharing so much heart space with and so much love with i did think it would be funny for you to be, to see how long you'd last in a small room. And to be fair,

actually the way that you dealt with it, I thought was exemplary. No, no, no, cut the shit, cut the shit, cut the shit. Did you ask for me to have a smaller room? I said that you got freaked out in big rooms when I got there. Tom, Tom, listen, Can you just fucking tell me? Can you just tell me?

Did you ask for you to have a smaller room? I asked the woman in reception if there was a way that we could give you a small room because you got claustrophobic. Yeah, but then I would need a bigger room. Well, no, the opposite of claustrophobia. Agoraphobia. Like a big, yeah. Yeah, agoraphobia is a big open spaces.

Like if you're in a field. Not if you're in a slightly larger than average hotel room. How many other people's rooms did you see? I saw three other people's rooms. And then once I realized that those three people had bigger rooms than me, I conducted a survey. And it turns out I had easily had the smallest room of everyone in that production.

Can you just tell me? Okay, I did. What did you say? I just said, can we put Romesh in a small room? And the woman really laughed and she said, I'll see what we can do. I swear to god are you i just need to i can't figure out if you're lying or not now i think the beauty of a practical

joke is never knowing i think that's a beauty no a practical joke right is saying to somebody this is a practical joke you turn up at the i turn up at the hotel i go to get shown to my room i open the door it's a tiny box room and then you go haha only joking mate got you like i'm in there for 20 minutes everything go haha got you here's your real room a practical joke a prank a funny prank isn't making someone stay in the smallest room for four fucking days without telling them what's going on i thought you liked it you said on the broadcast last week that you were quite happy there you know i'm being polite because i think that's just how it's worked out i look in your room you've got the big dick number one on the call sheet room king gary or whatever you've requested

you've got the ego you've got the ego suite. So I thought, okay, fine. Right? That makes sense. What I didn't realize is every fucker on that show, except for me, has got a room that equivalent size. Oh, fuck. Did everyone have that room?

Yeah. Are you joking? Dude, every single room was like that apart from mine. There's four different scale. Right, right. So let me just throw, Simon Day had a proper suite on the seventh floor because he paid the extra money to be on the seventh floor, right? Right.

And then there were these corner suites. So if you think about the building, there's four corners, right? Sorry, let me explain that to me again. So how does it work? A building has four corners. There's four corners. Oh, this is where your scaffolding experience comes into play

okay and obviously then there's six floors apart from the suites right yeah so how many how many corners

is that all together it's 24 corners yeah so I just assumed that everyone would be in a corner suite like mine was or corner room

I think a lot of people were but obviously everybody except for me was that's what I'm saying to you now I'm trying to establish whether you did it as a prank I think a lot of people were. But obviously, the woman put you. Yeah, everybody except for me was. That's what I'm saying to you. Now I'm trying to establish whether you did it as a prank. I thought you'd have kicked off and said, oh, no, thank you. No, I don't want this.

Is there a way of me being put in a better route? And then we'd have just gone, oh, yeah, cool. We'll just stick you in a corner straight. But hold on. You're behaving like we didn't discuss this at length on the podcast. How many times do I have to talk about it? said you were happy you said you you said you i felt i feel really bad now i feel like sort of getting your room somewhere that's a really nice big sexy room somewhere well i'll tell you when the time was to do that at the beginning of my stay in newcastle right i still don't know what the fuck happened there did you ask me to be so happy when did you

ask me to end up on set yeah you seem so happy and content i've never seen you so happy virile first of all you have seen me a lot happier than when i turn up on set that day right that's the first thing i'd say yeah okay second thing i say to you is i said to you i've got a much smaller room than this so what what was. Was there some sort of secret word I had to say in order to unlock the possibility? I'm going to go through how it was. I turned around and went, this is exactly how it happened.

Off air. I said, oh, what? Are you in a really, really small room? Is it okay? And you went, yeah, you know what? It's fine. It's fine. Before you carry on, just so you know, people that listen to this, this entire conversation is a fucking fabrication.

But go on. But let's just let it play out. Go on. All right. And then I said, are you sure about that, mate? Because we could see you get in another room

and you went, no, no, no, no. It's good, mate. It's good. It's all good, bro. That was sort of it. That's not what happened. Let me tell you what happened.

On the podcast, you made up some story about how the guy on reception has got some sort of issue with me. And then you said, oh, then you just made it out like that. So it just worked out. And I thought, I don't want to cause a fuss here. It's actually a decent enough room. It's just small. But I will live with that, right?

What I didn't realise was that I was the only fucking twat on the whole thing that had that room. In all fairness, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. And that is honest. I didn't know that. I thought, like,

there'd be, like, sort of certain people in those rooms and certain people in those rooms and they'd divvy them out like that. All right. Well, look, I mean, if you didn't know that, I don't care. But if you did know that, and that was an idea of a prank. That was not a prank.

I didn't prank you on that. That, that, that level. Okay. I mean, when we're talking about that sort of scenario, though, I've just watched, and this is why i do feel bad about you being cooped up in that tiny little room it's because i've just watched the ross kemp uh uk tiger thing we've seen it yet no i haven't tell me about it how good is it um what do you think of what is ross kate's ross kemp looking at like basically the uk versions

of joe exotic is that right yeah i mean there's no one out there who's as big a character as Joe Exotic at all. Everyone's quite sort of meek, sort of English, sort of. There's a scrap metal dealer who's brought... I mean, there's mad places in this country with massive zoos, but it's down to whether you like Ross Kemp or not.

How do you find Ross Kemp? How do I find him? I find him like somebody who I haven't seen do anything since he was granted eastenders is how i find him have you never watched any of his other documentaries no no i'm not but by the way that sounds like i'm slagging the geyser off i'm not slagging him off at all what i'm saying is i don't i don't have an opinion on anything that ross kemp has done since eastenders because i haven't really watched it. But that's not to say...

But first of all, let me just qualify this. I thought Ross Kemp... You're like me, fucking, with the room. You're skirting around this like you think Ross Kemp's going to beat you up.

I'm not skirting around... You're worried. Look, Ross Kemp... You're fucking shit scared of Ross Kemp. No, I'm not. I've known you a long time. I've never seen you fucking...

I've never seen your apricot go like this you literally you slag Ross Kemp off right and then you're like oh yeah yeah no but I like the guy yeah I like him he's a cool guy he's sweet man I'm not saying he's a cool guy I don't know him my apricot has not gone

I just haven't watched anything Ross Kemp has done since EastEnders he was good in EastEnders I'm not disrespecting anything he's done since I've just't watched anything Ross Kemper's done since EastEnders. He was good in EastEnders. I'm not disrespecting anything he's done since. I've just never watched it. Is it good, what he does? Look, I quite enjoy Ross Kemper as a human being.

I just think there's something quite sweet about him. He sort of speaks very slowly and very mannered with how he does stuff. Actually, I think that he's sort of... I think he cares about the world. And actually, he's got quite a sweet face when he sort of looks down the camera lens and stuff. So, yeah. What does it take to just get a fucking genuine opinion from you on something? That is, I'll tell you what, mate.

We've got a real grumpy, Mr. Grumpy pants on the thing today. Literally, just grumpiness just seething through you. I'm not being grumpy. You know what? I'll tell you what. You could do worse in this grumpy little mood you've found yourself in today. Go and watch a bit of Ross Kemp. He would cheer you up.

He's just got a nice way about it. It's a proven fact he's never grumpy. It's a proven fact he's never grumpy. It's a proven fact he's never grumpy. This is what I'm talking about. But anyway, look, so you think he cares about the world. So how was it in this Tiger thing? What's it called? Roskem versus the Tiger Kings or something?

No, no, no. It's Roskem and the UK Tiger Kings. Look, I think the trouble is, the truth of the matter is, what you realise is the Tiger King documentary itself is only that good because of Carole Baskin and the characters within it you know

there's only so much heavy lifting that Ross Kent can do and the actual people are quite beige who kick tigers and lions they're just very wealthy people who haven't

actually got much about and that's what's great about you know the other version there was one guy in it who's got a a big scrapyard and he's got

he actually has got this massive zoo that's quite it was quite interesting but i just like watching him i actually know this if if anyone knows ross kemp shout this out to him i think he should do a whole series of um sort of meditation chill videos of like to chill people out that's if i if i was a career advisor at ross kemp school that's what i told him if you were a career advisor at ross kemp school when he was a kid, you would have said, when you grow up,

I think you should do some meditation videos. Yeah, or like... What is it about Ross Kemp that you find so meditative? Because he speaks so, so slow. Everything's quite slow and everything's quite mannered. He's not posh,

but he's not working class. He talks in an RP voice and so slowly. He's not posh, but he's not working class. He talks in an RP voice. And so slowly. He's great. I wonder if the next documentary is going to have to be Ross Kemp versus Tom Davis' tongue up his arsehole, because you're properly having him here, isn't it?

I just like the guy. I just like the guy. I've met him before. And you know what? That's one of the things. I met him at an awards festival or awards ceremony, whatever they're called. the guy i've met him before and he i you know what i just that's one of the things i met him uh at a awards festivals or awards ceremony whatever they're called right and i stood with him and i just didn't spend it i didn't i didn't really drink him in enough do you know what i mean no i just thought he'd be there all night and he sort of had a quick chat of him and then he slipped off into the darkness oh yeah did you do that that classic thing you know you know when you're at awards or whatever and you see something

that you quite respect and quite like but you don't want to look too you don't want to look too thirsty right so you see him i mean you sort of say hello and then what you do is you keep it quite brief because you think what i'm going to do is i'm going to start off with a little introductory to sort of hello how you're doing and then hopefully there'll be a couple more sort of with a little introductory to sort of hello, how you doing? And then hopefully there'll be a couple more

sort of drinks from the well of this person. And then gradually we sort of, you know, get into a situation where we're having a chat.

And then what happens is you have that first little chat, they fuck off and then you think, oh, I should have absolutely been as thirsty as I possibly could

at the first instance. I think you've got, when you meet someone that you like that much, you just got to soak them in as much as you can. You might never see, I might never meet Ross Kemp again.

That really, and that makes me sad. Yeah. I imagine, I imagine he'll be all right about it. What, what, uh,

who's the person that you've been most, um, like buzzing to meet? Uh, the, one of the weirdest ones was I met John Motsen at the BAFTAs, right? Yeah.

Uh, when we were nominated and, uh, I saw him at the bar and i never ever go up to anyone and get a picture really it's not one of my things but i sort of saw him there and he was standing on his own he looked a little bit sort of lost and i went over and i said oh um you're right john how you doing mate uh you know massive fan of your stuff i really really like you and he said oh um all right well i can't find my wife at the moment i don't seem to be able to find my wife i don't

know where she is i said oh um all right well do you want a hand looking for her type of thing? He said, I think she might have gone to her seats. Can you take me to the seats? And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. So I said, just give us your ticket. So I sort of then sort of like start walking John Watson through the sort of like. Just to give me an idea, how exciting was it for you to be getting on with john monson so much that you'd essentially become his usher well this is the whole point right i took him to his seats

where him and his wife are sitting right i went oh you're sitting here and all that i found him i walked past a few people exchanged a few nods uh and his wife was like oh thank you thank you you have to sit down john and he said oh I couldn't trouble you for a couple of bottles of water. Oh, my God. Right. And then I, so I scarpered back and grabbed a couple of bottles of water. And then I walked back to John. Hold on, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Why are you getting him bottles of water? Well, because he's John Motsen. And I was just like in awe of him. I grew up listening to that man's voice. Were you not surprised that he'd asked you to go and get him some refreshments? Well, a little bit. But then I thought on the other end, well, do you know what I mean? It's quite, you know.

He clearly didn't know who I was, right? Right, right, right. Anyway, fast forward a couple of hours. I went to Bath to do the speech. And as I was doing the speech, I was on stage and did a speech I looked down to my right hand side and John Watson and his wife were looking at each other and staring up at me going

why the fucking hell is the usher picking up a BAFTA and he got a lifetime achievement award that night and then came up to me a bit later and he said why on earth did you walk me all through I thought you were an usher or a bouncer or something some doorman i went well you're john muttson you said but it's a bizarre thing to do but yeah i quite enjoyed it enjoyed spending time with him got a

lovely picture of me and him um yeah it was one of one of my favorite memories of the bath can i can i tell you something i think that is testament to what a lovely lovely man you are right because there are some people who in that situation their egos would have dictated they would have gone well hold on a minute i think you know i'm actually up for a bafta rebate like you seem to have me mistaken for somebody that's one of the serving staff here uh so what i would say it's absolute pleasure to meet you but from the bottom of my heart go fuck yourself all right i'm not gonna go what would you have done i can't envision because this is the thing right yeah right i i think you right and i know you

very well i think there's a element of you that you would say on here maybe that you wouldn't do it i think in real life reality is you were going in the water as well i think you're a nice person i think yeah but you're the same ilk as i am you you yeah you would i would i'd lay money that you'd you'd have done the same thing okay do you might not walk to his seat but you would have definitely got the water do you think that's because we're nice people or because we don't like confrontation or awkward situations i mean what which one of those two is it? Yeah, I think it's more of a testament. Look, I think in that situation,

it's harder work to be a dickhead than it is to be decent. I think most people are going to go, I mean, we're not talking, right, look, if it's someone in their sort of 40s, 50s, whatever, there's a chance you'd go, well, get your own water. We're talking about John Watson. We're talking about, you know, an older gentleman and his wife. So I'd like to think most people would do it.

I think it's a harder thing in that situation to be the dickhead and go, well, actually I'm not going to go because I'm also nominated for an award. And I, you know, I think you'd do that for anyone, wouldn't you?

If they wanted a glass of water, you'd go and get a glass of water of a certain age. And also he was very sweet in the manner of fact that he asked. So, yeah. I mean, I will say this actually

i thought i i always watch you on set i think you're very you're very sweet and decent the way that you conduct yourself i've noticed that you'll be always like if there's waters brought brought over you always want to allow people to take a cup of water like you know or a cup of water you'll make sure everyone else is up on first i do know i tell you i tell you i tell you what the reason i do that, Tom, actually, is it's because when I realised that I'd been given the smallest room, I assumed I was bottom in the hierarchy.

So actually, I assumed that I just had to be the last person to take the water. No, but you did that before Small Room Gate. You've always been very gentlemanly and earthly in your response think i think that i will do a mass surprise for you a really nice big surprise to make this small room thing up something really really amazing it'll blow your socks off okay first of all you don't need to do that second of all i feel like a thousand balloons delivered to your house you like to do i'll tell you one of the things that you like to do is you like to

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Don't you? No, I don't. Yeah, you do. Last week, what did you do? I'll give you an example. Week before last, you got the entire crew to sing Happy Birthday to me at the end of the day. Right, that's a fucking lovely thing to do for your best mate. I'm like, it's your birthday.

I can't let you leave there without everyone singing Happy Birthday. What kind of savage does that? Hold on. As well as you know me, you know how horrific that is for me. Right, I thought a lovely singing, a rendition of that from, by the way, some beautiful singing that took place, and a little tickle as you walked through, I thought was nice, a tickled guard. Yeah, you sort of, you got everyone to sing happy birthday to him, and then you sort of grabbed me, and sort of trapped me in the corner of that sort of corridor bit and just started tickling me

as I was sung Happy Birthday. It was so cute. If you could have seen it. I said to someone to film it and no one did. I thought it was so like,

it was actually sort of so endearing because you were sort of quite bashful and sort of like, it was a lovely little moment. I was your treasure forever. Actually, I'm going to have to

throw this out there because so I watched the Ross Kemp thing right and then I was like sort of on this sort of escapade

of enlightenment so I started watching Sea Spiracy have you seen that yet this is the thing about the fishing industry right yeah no I've heard a lot about it

this is this is a is it like from the same people that made Cpiracy right yeah so i've never watched cowspiracy but i think i probably have to now because this is a big ramifications on my thought process okay give me the give me the give us the bullet points very different from the presenting style of ross kemp the young man who's made this um but still as brave and still as valiant as ross kemp i'd like

to think maybe in his later years he might end up being like maybe in a soap or whatever but um actually i don't think you can make that transition from soap from documentary stuff you have to start at soap then work your way from there anyway um but ali who presents it's brilliant he's incredible um and uh yeah i mean the long and short of it is we shouldn't be eating fish it's yeah it's and it's pretty damning on like the whole of that you know the little stickers that you say that says dolphin friendly and all that sort of stuff essentially that's it yeah he gets threatened and all sorts it's actually it's an incredible piece of where he gets a lot of threats towards him why does he get threats towards him because it's worth so much money

the fishing industry okay so what's wrong with the dolphin friendly tuna then do they say what do they say it's all backed up by essentially it all comes through the same people who uh the money is all sort of funneled up in all these industries but basically the whole context is they they need they want to fish because fishing is worth billions and if we don't stop eating fish and we and we don't stop fishing the seas like we're all just going to die that's basically if we don't stop fishing seas we're all going to die yeah because of the carbon and all that and it's sort of like circle of life and all that sort of stuff okay i mean that's literally that's that's that's breaking down an hour and a half documentary and sort of as quickly as i can my my mom and dad

a big uh well my dad's passed away sadly but my mom and dad were uh lisa lisa's by the way in the room and she just the way i just went i don't know what it is i just as i mentioned my dad i had to say he's passed away sadly happened nearly a decade ago i don't know what i don't know what the etiquette is for that sort of thing do you know what I mean anyway the point is Lisa looks across at me and laughed when I said that because we're talking about fish and I've managed to bring my dad's death into it

anyway the point of the story is is that Sri Lankan culture is very very fish heavy right they love what's really interesting is how these mass fishing like people fishermen like sort of like uh sort of from japan and china are killing um a lot of those sort of like um sri lankan or like the whole somali coast they're just completely bludgeoning it it's just taking

everything from them so all those small swiss fishing villages are now starving it says that's one of the saddest parts of it so when when I say stop fishing, I don't mean, I probably phrased that wrong because I'm not a documentary maker, I'm a comedian. But we should stop the mess that fishing vibes that we're doing with these big boats and what's that. But go on, sorry mate.

My mum and dad used to take me to, we used to leave at four o'clock in the morning to go to Billingsgate Fish Market every now and again because they love fish so much. And then my dad would like, honestly mate, because they wanted fresh fish to Billingsgate fish market every now and again because they love fish so much and then like my dad would like honestly mate

because like they wanted like fresh fish to make curry out of and my dad would like fuck off and like for a bit he'd go okay wait here

then he'd come back with like a box full of octopus or like I remember once he like he went out he said I'll be back in a minute

and he came back he had a fucking shark he made a curry out of it what mate genuinely sharks does it taste because I hear shark doesn't even taste as much He said, I'll be back in a minute. And he came back. He had a fucking shark. He made a curry out of it. What? Mate, genuinely. Shark.

Sharks, does it taste, because I hear shark doesn't even taste as much. Well, I mean, you curry it and it tastes, I mean, you know. Yeah. I guess that's why they're called. My worry is, right, Rob? Yeah. My worry is I had fish and chips three times last week. And I shouldn't have for fishing reasons.

So. So are you going to stop eating fish now? Yeah. No, you're not. Well, I've got a load of fish fingers. I've got some fish fingers and stuff, mate. I watched it genuinely and look, this is going to shock you,

but I'm actually quite easily led. That's one of the least shocking things you've ever said to me. Sorry. things you've ever said to me so when i watched that i thought oh wowzers um no more if it swims in the sea it ain't gonna swim in big tommy d so that's what i'm saying jesus christ did you just fucking do that do you just freestyle that now i can't take credit that's jamie dimitri he told me that ages ago but um he what he said what he said it would if you're sitting in the city it won't swim in jamie d and i've just used mine but he he'll be called me so what did you do you took jamie out and you swapped it for tom and put tom okay tommy do yeah big tommy and i put big to D. Shout out to Jamie D. Me and Jamie often share these little rhymes and shit.

It helps, doesn't it? Jamie, that's a shout out if you're listening to this. Jamie can use any of mine. Well, he's not going to be able to say that anymore, is he? Well, yeah, yeah. But he can always use one of my favorite ones. If you're looking for eating and relief, don't eat beef. If you want to be a selfish sod why don't you just go and have some chips and cod good very good yeah um yeah um if you're in the mood for a bit of how's your father

don't eat anything hotter than a chicken tikka masala wow that's such a good one yeah i had a chicken tikka masala last night did you? yeah mate chicken tikka masala isn't that like I'm surprised that you ordered that I had that and I also had

a chicken dan sak you had a chicken dan sak and a chicken tikka masala yeah because we're worried about the fish but chickens

fuck them oh chickens look mate at the moment the one thing i'm pretty focused on and i want until anyone tells me differently i think chickens are fine to eat i think they're cool to eat that's one of the only ones left can i ask you an ethical question yo okay so vegans you're not supposed to eat eggs right if i had my own chickens and i looked after

them yeah and they laid eggs, do you think I should be allowed to eat those? Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, I think you should be able to anyway. But, I mean, I didn't know. The other day when we had a cast member on who was a vegetarian but then ate an egg sandwich, I thought it was fucking… Yeah, you thought that because you don't know what vegetarianism is.

Yeah, but I thought vegetarian… What is the difference between vegans and vegetarians, please? So vegetarians don't eat meat, right? Right. Vegans don't eat meat. So you can eat cheese, butter, milk, eggs. Yeah. You can eat fish.

No, you can't eat fish. Okay. So basically you can't eat anything that's been living. You can't eat... That's pescatarianism, right? Yeah, you can eat stuff that's been living you can't eat that's pescateria right yeah you can eat stuff that's been living because all vegetables have been living tom you understand it was not really much of a life is it what do you mean i mean being a vegetable it's literally like not much of a life is like you know you don't fucking eat a carrot and go oh yeah the good in

innings do do you? No, because that's not fucking insane. No, but that's just what an insane thing that would be. Tell me the last, when you were eating your chicken tikka masala last night, did you turn to Catherine and say, oh, he's had a good innings? You don't say that about animals either, do you? Well, no, but you know that you're eating something. It's a whole lot.

Look, I think the fact of the matter is anything that starts above the ground below the ground and comes up is fair game so you'd eat a mole would you I mean I don't know if you can eat moles I don't know what they taste like

I'm sure you know if I was out and about and someone said oh there's some you know got a bit of mole on the barbecue I'd probably give it a try

I'm quite adventurous in that way but yeah somebody has some mole knocking about isn't that what those two hairy bikers do they eat roadkill and stuff don't they I've got a bit of mole on the barbecue. I'll probably give it a try. I'm quite adventurous in that way. Yeah. Somebody had some mole knocking about. Isn't that what those two hairy bikers do? They eat roadkill and stuff, don't they? I think so.

I think roadkill's like a good thing to do. Aren't they trying to encourage people to eat grey squirrels? Because there's so many of them. Yeah. If you want a grey squirrel, if you want to go to Hyde Park, there's loads there. What's the maddest thing you've ever eaten? Oh, I'll tell you actually. I'll tell you what. It's not that mad because I think it's become a bit of a thing, but pig's ear.dest thing you've ever eaten? Oh, I'll tell you actually, I'll tell you what, it's not that

mad because I think it's become a bit of a thing, but pigs here. How come you ended up eating that? Me and Catherine

went to a restaurant and there's this American guy who had this sort of like cool sort of sort of like boho-y sort of like barbecue restaurant.

And he was like, you know, I want you to try everything I have. I want you to try every little thing. So Catherine's like, as you know, she's not a big meat eater. She sort of eats a bit of bits and bobs, but not a lot.

So she sort of had a corn on a cob and some chips. He must have been absolutely gutted. I want you to eat everything. I want you to just be so experimental. I'll have corn on a cob and chips, please. Okay. No, but I was adventurous. I was like, yeah.

But he brought over the pigs here and that was just like a big slab of fat and it wasn't even crispy or shit. So how did they do the pigs here?

It still had its hairs on, Ron. It still had hairs on. Like, you know, the bottom of your hair. You get those little hair hairs. I occasionally get like, not occasionally, I get the hairs at the top of my ears fucking getting a little bit sort of yoderish, man. I have to keep that shit trimmed.

It's so fucking unattractive. How are your nose hairs? Well, I trim those once a week, so it's a bit different. But ear hair, nose hairs well i trim those like once a week so it's a bit different but here you can you know i don't know during lockdown you know i brought i brought that wax things and the little things that you put up your nose yourself and pull them out yeah i did that as well isn't it amazing it is amazing first of all what i would say it's amazing unless you get your mustache is that how you say it? How do you say moustache? Moustache. Moustache. Fucking hell.

Jesus Christ. That is fucking Downton Abbey rum. Moustache. How do you say it? Oh my God. How do you say it? Moustache. Moustache, right, okay.

Moustache. Moustache, yeah. Moustache. Mate, you know what, that's the most embarrassed I've ever seen you. No, I'm not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed. Hello, my name's Romesh. Can you trim my moustache, please? First of all, I didn't say

moustache. I said moustache. Okay. Don't start fucking twisting it. I didn't say m didn't say moustache moustache how'd you say it moustache moustache yeah anyway i got it caught in the wax and then i sort of as i pulled the thing out it ripped some off my top lip the other thing though mate your little guard didn't they yeah they do give you a little guard it's like a little picture of a tash yeah that you can stick but it But apparently it's really bad to do that.

Why? It's something like it exposes the pores in the inside of your nostrils or some shit like that. Apparently it's supposed to just trim the shit. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. You've got very nice open pores on your nose. I had a close look at it the other day.

Yeah, I know you did. You do like having a close look. The other day you go to me, do you get wax in your ears? Because you looked right in my fucking ear because you got so close so creepy so weird no i'm not i'm describing exactly what happened i noticed a bit of wax in your ear yeah all right and i said do you get waxy ears i shouldn't have even asked but i was like it was like that was more me going mate you've got a bit of wax in your ear be careful yeah why don't you just why don't you just say that what do you ever get waxy ears yeah so then you go and

then what are you doing are you testing my honesty there so what happens then i go no and you go what you fucking do mate look in your lug on that you stupid bastard no no that's how you go well yeah i do a little bit. And you go like that and you get rid of the wax. I'd have been mortified. Mortified to have to turn around to you and go, mate, you've got a bit of wax hanging out of you. Yeah.

Yeah, but how is that better than what actually happened? Where you were stood over me like a fucking, like my fucking cellmate. And you went, do you ever get, do you ever get waxy ears? And I go, why? Have I got waxy ears and go a little bit how is that different how is that better than the alternative i think it's the same though isn't it that's what i'm saying yeah that's how i'd sort of deal with sort of bad news

and sort of like stuff well so what'd you do if you if you were sharing news of a bereavement you got some and you go is your dad still alive yeah he is he's not quick question before getting to emails and you know I like doing this. Have I been quite grumpy on this episode? Yes, this is the grumpiest you've been.

This is by far. I'm going to talk to Lisa after this and say she's not to feed. You're like a gremlin. Is this the grumpiest I've been? Honestly, are you being serious? Oh, yeah. This is genuinely the grumpiest.

I can tell you've eaten. You're like this on set sometimes. You have a big belly full of food. Well, that doesn't happen on your production. I can tell you that eaten you're like this on set sometimes you have a big belly full of food well that doesn't happen on your production i can tell you that for nothing no but i could you're like a gremlin was it gremlin shouldn't have to put water on them are you or feed them feed them after midnight you're like a gremlin. Was it gremlins you're not able to put water on them, are you? Or feed them after dark? Feed them after midnight. You're like the opposite.

You shouldn't... We should have done it... Well, look, can I... No, no, no. Can I just apologise for being grumpy? I don't want to be grumpy, man. I love you. Yeah, I know.

I love you too. But that's why I've had to be extra fucking wacky. Okay, so let's go to some emails here. Now, Lisa... Are these Lisa picked? Are these Lisa validated? These are Lisa selections, yeah. Cool. Is she sitting there just handing you the emails, or is she... No, no. She did it this morning, Lisa. Are these Lisa picked? Are these Lisa validated? These are Lisa selections, yeah. Cool.

Is she sitting there just handing you the emails, or is she? No, no. She did it this morning, actually, but she's left the room now. I think because she slightly gets nervous about how we're going to talk about her selections. Okay. This is from Andy. Good stable name. And it says,

Congratulations on the podcast. It's really very good and gone straight in as my favourite. Quite apart from being funny, what makes it stand out is a strong sense of genuine friendship that comes across. It reminds me of my own friendships and mates. Fair play. Anyway, I've noticed you refer a lot to your agents like most comics and comic actors.

They seem to play a particularly important role in your professional careers. And I would love to know a bit more about your relationship with your agents. They often seem like so much more than an agent counselor advisor therapist boss would be good to hear a bit more about that by the way i'm a 44 year old bloke who also loves katie perry's firework too i highly recommend the fred falk mix keep up the good work andy hi andy i'm gonna be listening to that fred f's for sure, bud. Also, I've got a question for you

and all the Andys out there. I think Andy is one of those really cool names that you can have Andy, you can have Drew, the Druid, and Andrew. There's just loads of different ways of getting nicknames that just come from your name.

So, yeah, I'd like to shout out all the Andys out there. Okay, well, thanks for your answer to that question there, Tom. What I will say is, with regards to agents, the addies out there okay well thanks for your answer to that question there tom uh what i will say is uh with regards to agents um i'll tell you a little story andy so basically i was doing the did you ever do tom did you ever do any of the new act competitions yeah a couple of them so there's there's these new act competitions that you do and the idea the reason you do them is so that if you

get somewhere with them like agents will see you or spot you or whatever it's sort of what you you know when you start out as a new act there's a few big competitions one of the competitions i did was the amuse-mousse competition oh i just i don't don't look because i i don't want to give any oxygen to but the person who runs the amuse-mousse ones is maybe the worst person in comedy amusements ones is maybe the worst person in comedy second worst actually i won't say the first so anyway i did the amuse base competition um and uh somebody from off the curb who are my agents was at that gig right and they invited me to go and do latitude new acts of the year or have you know latitude festival wow right well that's early on in ukraine but that was it was new act composition of the year so you just go and do it but it's a big deal

in terms of like i think it's like i don't know how big the comedy tent is at latitude like 4 000 or something like three thousand i don't know yeah anyway so i went to latitude very excited off the curb you know they invited me to this thing so i went and did i went and did the competition and who else was on i can't remember like maybe james acaster ivo graham uh eric lampere was on i know tomlinson a couple of i can't remember who the others were anyway long story short i ate shit like like properly fucking died in the comedy technical attitude right like properly it went it went it went bad really bad all right and um i left like gutted because I thought this is like, I was so excited about doing this.

And now I've like, you know, obviously it's just all gone tits up. And so I left. When I got home, I had a message from Flo, who is my agent now, off the curb going, Ramesh, I know that you think that didn't go well. And I know you'll be upset about how it went down, but I'm telling you now, there is something about you I'm going to be keeping my eye on you, right?

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Echo, thanks to its presenting partner Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. The world is yours to create. And I remember thinking that's somebody that like, I've got to keep in touch with. And she's been my agent to this day. So it's like one of those things where Flo has sort of seen me from getting no work to gradually picking up, getting into the clubs and then getting TV and the do my first Edinburgh and all that. So it does become like, for me, I think my situation is a bit different to yours.

So for me, it's become like, it has been like a relationship where like, it feels like we're doing it together do you know what i mean because she was she saw me back like back in the day when it first started the other the other thing that flow has to put up with and lisa and flow often talk about this is my i would say almost superhuman ability to be completely disorganized like to be so not across my diary the number of times that flow has had to get me out of the ship because i'm supposed to be in three different places at the same time this is the beginning now she runs my diary but at the beginning

the number of gigs i had to get out of because i double booked or triple booked myself and so now they just between them they just manage but anyway in answer to your question andy yes i do have it is a bit like uh like a mate but also i would shout out flow as a cute like person as well just not not as my agent but someone since i've gotten that got to know you i've got to know flow very well i think she's actually she's an incredible person and and like someone i i really rate Flo very highly just on her. I always like whenever, you know, we've sent her scripts of King Gary or edits of King Gary or when we started this podcast, I always say to you, I don't know, what does Flo think?

I'm always upset because I think her actual, her comedy brain and her sort of like way of looking at this industry is impeccable. I think it's sort of second to none my agent is a piece of shit who lives my agent's an absolute g man i feel very blessed actually with him because it's a yeah like you say it's a different one i when i first started off i went from i sort of had two or three agents i had one that i sort of don't really feel comfortable talking about at this time but i don't think it ever really, really got me. And it was actually when Jack Whitehall

turned to me and said, look, my mate is just, he's been a sort of assistant at Independent for a while and he started to open up his own book of clients. So I was his first ever client. And now he's got some incredible actors and actresses, but he doesn't really do the live thing. But for my, literally after signing with and sign signing with humphrey and

ollie who sort of been major since and i love to death you know my career is just stratosphere yet they've been incredible you know from murder and successful to plebs to all of that just started snowboarding really with them and um yeah they're a couple of great great guys but first actually the first person who looked after was a woman called Tiffany Brown who was brilliant

who I think was the only she really really sort of it's a really important relationship for that person to really and I see it with

Flo with Romesh I think it's one of the loveliest relationships in our industry between Flo and Rom but also there's a big thing and I don't know

how you feel with Flo this of them what's great with the guys I'm with now and when I was with Tiffany Brown before, it was them knowing the stuff that's right for you. Me and you don't come from wealthy stock.

We don't come from a place where you have infinite sort of money to sort of fall back on. So certainly in your early career, you can sometimes make choices that can be the wrong choices to make but actually at the time they make sense

but sort of like fast forward they can be a bit of a killer and Tiffany I think back then and Ollie and Humphrey

have always been brilliant at that and I think that's the sort of thing that it has to be a friendship I speak to Ollie all the time

and I genuinely think he's he's just been the sort of thing that, yeah, it has to be a friendship. It has to, I speak to Ollie all the time. And, you know, I don't, I genuinely think he's, yeah, he's just been, yeah, they've both been good guys to have in my corner.

Both from, yeah, Ollie and Humphrey. It's a weird one as well, isn't it? Because, certainly for myself, I've always had that thing

of just pushing my own thing. Anyway, I've always, yeah, from starting up the company to, I've always had a very clear view on where I think i want to be but

yeah man it's just if you get it right it's a beautiful thing i think another thing to shout out and this is for anyone i don't have you feel about it from a lot of people will blame their agents for not having any success they'll jump from agent to agent and you're like oh you saw this person they're like oh no that's three people ago um i think agents, if you get them right, will always facilitate the moves you're making and they'll help you, but they're not... You have to put that hard work... I saw so many people early on get agents and then just take their foot off the gas

and think, oh, that's it, I've arrived now. And the truth of the matter is, it's still down to you to sort of push that side of things and still keep on growing and keep... Yeah, it's your battle to win. Yeah, I would say, though, just with that in mind, Flo, if flo if you are listening if you stop getting me work i'll drop you in a fucking heartbeat let me just be absolutely crystal clear wow no i'm just kidding no listen in all seriousness flo's like she's she's one of my best mates um she's one of my favorite people in the whole world

but um but you're right in what you're saying is like sometimes we'll get and i know people like to make this joke about how i don't fucking say no to anything mainly because of me agreeing to do gary but like but i i think in truth the number of times flow will go it just doesn't feel right for you or you know we've got to think about what your next you know what do you want your next thing to be and you know she's really good at that and and you're right it is about having that relationship that working relationship and so yeah anyway i hope that answers your question and okay should we do one more email yeah go one more um guys and lisa brackets. Great podcast. Oh, that's interesting, isn't it? Guys, brackets, and Lisa. Now, when I was a teacher,

I used to say, when the class would get noisy, I'd go, guys, guys, can we keep it down? Is that gender-specific, guys? I mean, I don't know a guy, guys and girls or whatever, but if you say guys to a group,

am I being a horrible misogynist? No, I would say guys. I would say guys. That just confirms it. I mean, that sort of confirms that both of us are. I mean, but then I don't know if I'm the right... Do you know that was Jamie Dimitri's nickname on a show we did, Jamie Brackets?

Because if you have a scene... I don't know what's going to happen. If you have a scene in a sitcom or a show or a film and you don't have any words, they put your name in brackets. Oh, do they? Yeah. That's interesting.

I'm surprised that didn't happen to me for every day that we're in Newcastle. Let me ask you another thing. If you are in scenes where you don't have lines, is it also tradition to put them in the smallest fucking room? Mate, honestly, I feel bad about this smallest room. You don't. I'm really joking. I feel so bad.

Mate, I'm winding up. I'm winding up. Okay. This is from Simon Ambler. I feel bad about this smallish room you don't I'm really joking I'm winding up I'm winding up okay this is from Simon Ambler he says guys and Lisa

great podcast constantly makes me look like a weirdo as I laugh loud on my daily walk anyway I need your help it's my wife's impending 40th birthday

ask her for ages what you want or what to do for it nothing she can't be bothered with it due to this fucking pandemic so as a pick me up I've booked for the two of us to have the week away

just before christmas in mauritius wow boy now how do i give her this gift on her birthday any ideas are warmly welcomed keep up the good work cheers son i would say buy a hundred balloons right and put the tickets in one of the balloons right and then turn around to her and say one of these balloons has a surprise in but you've got to pop them all and when she pops that winning balloon it's going to be like charlie do you want him to say in in in this predatory way as you said it no no you probably just like hold her like this and then just say in one of these balloons here's the surprise of a lifetime get poppin god that's fucking horrible no and then she'll go through the and it'll be like charlie and the chocolate factory when she

finds the the tickets when she finds the tickets. When we were doing Asian Provocateur 2, do you know when you do promotions for shows and stuff, and you get put in touch with the social media department, and they always want to do some mad thing to try and, they always want to do some mad, wacky idea. So one of the ideas I had for Asian Provocateur was that they got people to send in questions,

and then they put those questions in balloons and I was stood in this tiny room with a pin, just bursting balloons and then picking up the questions off the floor and answering them because that's better than just answering questions that are in a stack of cards or whatever. But I couldn't fucking believe it.

I walked in, there's all these balloons over the back wall and they're like, okay, so we thought it'd be really cool if you burst the balloon and then answer ask the question and then answered it and i said and what do you think this is adding to this i didn't say in an arsey way i just sort of said i'm just going to sort of give it a bit of spice i went all right okay let's just do it and so i found myself and she's looking for i i will say that those people yeah i just had a big list of stuff that we could do for the king gary uh press and nearly all of it sort of involved me and you doing something wacky uh which

has all been said no to but anyway um but i think no this would be far far more exciting for her she's running around it's a bit like fun house maybe you could put some sort of like something on the floor so she could be falling over and stuff be quite fun yeah so what are you saying sort of lube up lube so yours let me just get this so you sort of lube up the floor put some foam in there make it sort of wet and slippery and then 100 balloons and she runs around like sort of what an excited puppy bursting the blues until she finds there's a trip to mauritius yeah i mean the worst thing is if she bursts the first balloon and it's in there. So what I will say is, Simon, I believe his name was, but Simon, mate, make sure you really pug that balloon up

so she's probably got at least 60 balloons to get through before she gets to your one. 60's too many, isn't it? I think like 10 or something. No, 10, what? Then what are you going to do with the rest of the balloons? Lie about? You just fucking have them there.

All you could do is put loads of glitter in the balloons. That's a great idea because it's not, because as it is now, it's not quite annoying enough. You're right. Why are you so down on this idea? I'm not down on the idea.

I think it's a really nice, what would you all be? Oh, you'd just give it to her in an envelope and kiss her on the cheek and say, we're going to Mauritius. You've got to think of some

jazzy thing. Maybe put on a song when you're doing it. That's a good idea everybody's free to feel good it could be amazing I'd say that would be my thing Si yeah or you could

if you can't get your hand on any balloons make a massive sandwich and put the tickets in the sandwich is there any way uh that you could um organize it so that first of all by the way i've only just processed what you just said put the tickets in a sandwich yeah okay um maybe you could is there any way that you could do it so that she doesn't realize until you you know you sort of said i'm going to take you out for dinner and then i know that you're not leaving on her birthday but if you gave her say if you gave her a decoy present like a pair of trainers she likes or i don't know i'm giving

you other examples just any decoy present so she thinks that's her present right i mean as the holiday approaches you book it you book it with her work sort out the two weeks off get it all organized on her behalf right and then you do it as a big surprise like you go we're going away you said we're going for dinner or some shit like that we're going for lunch or whatever depending on what time the flight is you book the car you get in the car you've sorted out the suitcase i don't know how the fuck you know you deal with the logistics of it the point i'm trying to make is you want to try and engineer it. So you're in the car and you go,

actually, we're going to Mauritius for two weeks for your birthday. I love you. You're the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me. And every single day that I wake up and remember that I'm with you is a day that I'm grateful for. Thank you so much for being in my life. I actually like those words. You could write them on the back of the ticket and put them in the blue yeah what i will

say rom is this right 95 of the enjoyment of holidays is a lead up to it that is that's an incredible that's an incredible thing to say i i would say the direct opposite of that 95 of the horror of a holiday is a lead up to it's a ball like i mean the lead up's the best bit i can't wait to be there just lying on the beach and what the what you did there with your arms it was absolutely horrifying i regret it as soon as I did it. That was bad. That was really bad.

That was buggy. What a Sancho. You got, right, the two of you just get excited about this holiday of the last. Genuinely, mate, when you get to, right, Maldives and Mauritius, I can't remember which one you're going to. When you get there, it's quite a sort of, yeah, it's a beautiful place, but there's not a lot to do.

But you don't know this yet. But when you do get there, it's quite a sort of, like, it's a lot of laying about. So actually the excitement of getting there is almost some of the most exciting stuff so i guess i guess i guess what tom's advice is there is you create this chamber of balloons because from what tom's experience tells him that's actually going to be better than the holiday itself so sorry you've put that mate uh but tom thinks it's not actually going to be as good as this sort of slipping also just. Also, just quickly, mate. Simon, what would you rather turn around?

Let's call your wife Abigail. When Abigail was remembering how she, you know, oh yeah, he kept it a secret from me for six months. He basically eternalized all of this worry whether I was going to like it. Or, oh my God, it was meant to burst like a hundred balloons. I was slipping on the floor and glitter was raining down on me. Yeah, he basically recreated Pat Sharp's fun house

to present me with my 40th birthday present. It was magical. Right, Tom, we're out of time, brother. Yeah. By the way, I hope that helps you, by the way, advice-wise. Good luck. Please tell him we said happy birthday

I'll be honest with you Tom I'm slightly surprised that you haven't offered for us to do it to present her with the present

it's normally what you do yeah I just I tried to hold back on that we're going to see how Fridays go but I just

decided to sort of pull back about offering after our discussion last week yeah but I mean if he wants us to do it we can let's just say we can do it on a facetime we're going to have birthday because we are together a little bit uh coming up so just give us a shout

so okay bud cheers sir cheers simon tom first of all before you do your thing tom i'd just like to take this opportunity to apologize if i came across as grumpy on this episode um i didn't think i was being i think i've got some words for you to help you okay go for it i'm over to you hey little rain cloud why are you so sad listen the thing about rain is it doesn't last forever. The greyness, the darkness, sometimes the claps of thunder are only momentary. And sooner rather than later, a sunshine will crack through and you'll be fluffy again,

looking down upon your kin and all of the things that you like looking upon. What the whole circle of life is this there's different kinds of weathers some of them are quite insane some are quite normal enjoy the normal but embrace the insane and then little cloud you'll be free uh that was really nice thank you so much I don't know how much I enjoyed you calling me little cloud it wasn't just about you

but it was about anyone who feels a bit down and you know I'm seeing you tomorrow and I can reassure everyone here Romesh is going to get the biggest tickling he's had of his life. I don't want the tickling. Thank you. Big, crispy old tickling.

If you've got any problems, questions, anything you want to share, please email wolfowlpod at gmail.com. This has been me, Romesh Ranganathan, the owl. And me, Tom Davis, the wolf. We'll see you next time. Thank you. Bye-bye.