Wolf and Owl - Episode 2

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

We’re talking… Christmas trees, premature mid-life crises, life before mobile phones, and chat-up disasters. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served. Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler. That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler.

Both of them are known to pull up at your shows. Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows. Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing. They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all you hear is a huff a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird the dog welcome to the wolf and our podcast uh we're recording this episode without any of them haven't been out yet so we've got no idea if this we could be right now we could be sitting on the fucking crest of a wave of the newest like we could be a big thing or we could be on something

that's sunk so badly. Yeah, that actually has negatively affected our other projects. And people are now just tuning in going, oh, God, are you guys still going? I mean, I like to think that if the first are awful, this one will never go out. Yeah, I think so. So we can say whatever we want on this one, can't we?

Yeah, I think we can be a lot more free with our feelings on this one. I think we can. How are you? Yeah, I think we can be a lot more free with our feelings on this one. Yeah. I think we can. We can push things. How are you? Yeah, I'm all right. I'm good. I've got that sort of, it's a change in the seasons, right?

I haven't put on my Christmas tree. Actually, by the time we've listened to this, I would have put on my Christmas tree. It's a weird thing of doing them like eight months in advance. When do you normally

put your Christmas tree? I think everyone's doing it earlier this year, right? Yeah, why? I usually put mine up like 10th of December. Right. I actually, I think that's a really good time.'m gonna say that now 10th of december in my opinion great time to put it yourself you're true why what do you think about this putting christmas

decorations up early what is your uh take on it i think everyone's going to be bored of christmas look we're all at home for christmas right we're stuck indoors people are going to be so christmas is just going and it's not going to be the same christmas we're used to i think i think if anything we should have done it later like just really sort of like get settled around the sort of like hardship of being stuck in your house without decorating because decorations get annoying after a while christmas tree starts to stink of piss have you ever had that christmas tree starts to stink of piss. Yeah, after a while. Like the needles start dying, it starts smelling of piss, no?

It doesn't smell of piss. What breed of tree are you getting? I think it's a Northampton fir I usually get. I think you might be getting a Scandinavian piss tree or something. I don't know. It's got a pissy sort of odour to it. No Christmas tree's got a pissy od something. I don't know. It's got a pissy sort of odour to it. No Christmas tree's got a... No Christmas tree's got a pissy odour, mate.

Christmas tree... Let me just say, because we're going to start squabbling here, and sometimes these squabbles... We're not going to start squabbling. No, but sometimes they feed into the week, and we're very close friends, right? And I'm actually going to bring in a new little thing.

Big T's bringing a new thing in here. If anyone out there knows anything about... One of the things he's bringing in is referring to himself in the third person as Big T. That a new thing in here. If anyone out there knows anything about... One of the things he's bringing in is referring to himself in the third person as Big T. That's one thing. What's the other thing Big T's bringing in? Experts get in touch, mate. So if there's a Christmas tree expert out there,

or someone who knows quite a bit about Christmas trees, like get in touch and say if there is such a thing as... So, sorry. If somebody's vocation is being a Christmas tree expert, right? Yeah. Their job is Christmas trees and the industry surrounding it. What makes you think they're going to volunteer to come onto a podcast to confirm to you that sometimes they smell of piss?

What incentive would a Christmas tree expert have to do that? Number one, I can tell you now, knowing your fan base, I will guarantee there's at least 5% of them will have some knowledge of trees and stuff and such. Right? Okay. No. No.

Because you've got that fucking... You've got that vegan naturalist sort of like shit about you, right? Naturist. Is it naturist? So 5%... It's not naturist is it naturist so what so five five percent it's not naturist first of all naturists are people that that spend their time naked okay that's the first thing second of all five five percent of my fan base are what potentially christmas tree experts is that what you're saying yeah i mean like i think probably 15 to 20 percent are like flower and tree experts like knowing loads about like agriculture and stuff or horticulture

whatever it is but i'd say five percent of them are probably very knowledgeable about christmas trees i'd say five percent five percent of my fan base yeah are very knowledgeable about christmas trees yeah i'd say you've got i think you've probably got a disproportionate amount of people within your following that knows about, like, nature and stuff. Which comedian do you think has the highest proportion fan base that would know about Christmas trees and horticulture, do you think?

Well, I'd say it would probably be you and Tim Vine. A bit of two people, I think. Tim Vine, I love Tim Vine. He makes me think about Christmas. Hold on, why are you saying Tim Vine? Because I just think Tim Vine's got that lovely spirit that's quite, he just makes me think of Christmas, and he's just got a nice way about him.

I mean, I think there are different reasons. I think people are finding Tim Vine because Tim Vine's just full of this sort of lovely sort of attitude. I think with you following Tim Vine because Tim Vine's just full of, like, this sort of lovely sort of attitude. I think with you, it's more like, yeah, go, brother. Like, we all love trees and stuff. Hmm. No, but, so, anyway, yeah.

What would be good is if we could just get, like, someone who knows their stuff about Christmas trees. I do have a friend, if, actually, if I'm honest, who knows about trees. So, if he comes to a push, I can call him and and say that this is me yeah and also he's a massive fan of yours so okay well look if there is a christmas tree expert out there can you please email wolf out pod at gmail.com and we'd love to have you on the book are we actually going to get them on the podcast i'll get them to send yeah oh yeah i think bring them into the chat I think if we can somehow do that

and then what will happen though because we're not so we'll bring them onto the podcast and we'll say to them can we just so we arrange that

and by the way I know that you won't pick up no first of all let's be honest you're not going to pick up any of the admin slack on that

so I'll be getting in touch with this guy right to sort out which will make his Christmas that's like an early Christmas present

like he will literally come down and go mum dad you will not believe this hold on hold on hold on so let's get this straight we've got we've got to put all this together so this is this guy's going to be a fan of mine because you've already established that five percent of my fans are christmas tree experts and and on top of that you've put on this guy that not only would he be absolutely buzzing to come onto this podcast

and talk about Christmas trees he still lives with his parents and he's come downstairs and he's gone mum dad so not only does he live with his parents he's the sort of that would come down

and announce to his parents that he's been sort of c*** that would come down and announce to his parents that he's been invited to talk about Christmas trees on a podcast remotely. No, he'd probably say something like this. Mum, Dad, you know I've never achieved anything, right? Guess who's just emailed me? Who? Who's emailed you? Romesh Ranganathan

wants to know about Christmas trees. And then the whole family would cheer and she'd be, Ranganathan wants to know about Christmas trees. And then the whole family would cheer. And she'd be, oh, hopefully that means you're going to bloody move out of the house. And, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I guess now we're losing the chance that they might get. It's like a Viennetta of fucking insults, this whole conversation. No, I'm just saying that.

I'm not too sure. So, anyway, I guess what I'm saying, if there's some fucking loser who's into Christmas trees and live with his parents and his little prick whose parents would think that him appearing on this podcast would mean he could move out of his house

at 43, 44 years old, then please do get in touch at wolfowlpodge at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. We genuinely would. We'll have you on the podcast. And not only that, not only that,

Tom wants you on the podcast to answer one question. And do you know what? If you do get in touch and you can give us the information we need, I will send you four Rattlers of beer.

Yeah. And your dad will probably take them in lieu of rent, I imagine. You know what? The other thing is we're going to get this person on we only want to know

one thing can Christmas tree smell of piss oh yeah I don't want him on for like the whole show I don't really care about his opinion

about other stuff but I really would like to know if that's a thing otherwise I'm doing something wrong with my Christmas trees like pissing on it well you've got

you've got a dog haven't you yeah my dog doesn't piss on the tree my dog's actually very well how do you know because he's very well has trained he's actually if anything he's probably the least slobby person in my house okay but how do you know what a fucking incredible thing for katherine to be able to listen to when she listens to this but i assume she will do lisa won't lisa won't listen to this but i can say whatever i want about lisa

if i'll prove it to you now lisa i'm cheating repeatedly left right and center and i'm fucking loving it and there's even an emotional bond as well katherine would probably rather i said that than turn around and said that our dog has better house habits than she does i think that's no but i'd say he all right he has better he's better he's better behaved around sort of like his sure but what i would say what i would say is what i would say is is bearing in mind that i don't know you're the first person that's ever said to me that christmas trees start to smell of piss right now so let's look at that from so i imagine you're the sort of guy that that sort of takes the same anecdotes around to everybody you know so I imagine you've said that to other people

right so when you've said that to other people has anyone else said that their Christmas tree also smells of piss if I'm honest with you no I've had the simplest response by the way you didn't have to speak we knew that from the pause as soon as you paused like that

I knew also this is the trouble this is why you pause like that on you yeah also what you're i mean this is the trouble right this is why you in some senses would be a good lawyer because you're very cold and you're very like and that's that's brilliant right because you are you got it's cold like you know it's all about the facts you sort of you can put me in a corner the truth of the matter is i have got something up my sleeve because when this fellow you're your fan and also if you are a fan of romishes like by all, he'll send you a signed T-shirt, he'll do one of his little skits for you on the radio, right?

But seriously, let your love for him and how much you adore him, don't let that get involved in this argument. Because what we need for you right now is to come on this and be as serious as possible because this is a very... So let's get to the bottom of this what's the question that you want answered can christmas exactly exactly exactly smell of piss can christmas trees eventually smell of piss

in in the context of being in someone's house yeah they're in someone's house and when do you take your christmas tree down oh mate what's the date you've got to take it down it's like the 10th of january and it'll say no it's 6th of january 6th 6th of january so i'm usually just before that sometimes on the 6th before right so by the 6th of january a tree that's kept in your house yeah will often often enough for you to make it an observation will often enough start smelling of piss all right and you're asking if that's possible no i'm asking if that i know it happens because i've been there and gone fucking that tree's stinking a bit pissy right okay i know that for a fact right and it's if it's not the tree then there's something else going on in the house yeah well look you do you live listen you live with a dog right i'm not costing any aspersions on your dog. He would be devastated if he heard this.

He would be devastated. If he was in this room now, he would literally pick himself up and slink himself downstairs and go, well, this is what it is now, is it? I'm so happy that there's not podcasts for dogs. Because if he could hear this now, he would be, I have never urinated since my puppy years in that house, indoors.

Are you being the dog now? Well, well now i would say for me and him because i feel that a lot of people might throw a little bit cast aspersions it might be me i'm not listen i'm not having a go about your dog all right i love dogs i'm getting we're getting a dog by the way yeah when you get yeah yeah when you get a dog you'll see they don't piss everywhere. Yeah, okay. Unless you train them badly. Yeah, sure. But you've trained your dog, right? And I know Tom, and I don't want anyone to think badly. Tom does look, he loves that dog.

Yeah. He absolutely loves that dog. All I'm saying is, for a few days a year, there's an unusual situation where something that smells very differently to anything else around is in the house for a few days right from whenever 10th of december to the 6th of january right so once a year you've got that in your house and we don't know we don't know you and i don't know enough about dog biology to know if that that that smell if i'm gonna put my i'm gonna start thinking as a dog mate if i'm the dog coming at you now and you're having... You and the dog are in the pub, right?

And you're accusing the dog like you are of these things. If I'm the dog... There's a lot of steps to get to. You're playing a dog that's met me in the pub because you've heard that I've been saying that you might be pissing on the... Is that the role play we're doing now?

Yes. So I'm coming in the pub and I'm going... You've come down to the pub to have this out. And are you... Have we agreed to meet at the pub? I'm going you come down to the pub to sort to have this out and are you have we agreed to meet at the pub or is this something

where you heard I'm down the pub you're a state agent mate you and he comes in you want to have it out with me

so you turned up at the pub to fucking square this off right yeah and he's like okay go on so the dog's whistling yeah I could whistle then because I sort of had a little bit of laughter So you turned up at the pub to fucking square this off, right? Yeah. And he's like... Okay, go on.

So the dog's whistling. Yeah. I could whistle then. He sort of had a little bit of laughter left in me. Yeah. Oi, Romesh. Yeah. Can I have a word with you?

What breed of dog is this? He's a German Shorthair Pointer. Right, okay, go on. I'm Tom's dog, by the way. Right. The Pointer that you talked about on the podcast. So this dog, let me just get this straight. This dog is assertive enough to come down to a pub, but not assertive enough to refer to himself by his own name.

He refers to himself by his owner's name. Is that right? I am Tom's dog. He might not know. I've got friends who do that. I know, I'm Kieran's uncle you must have people who say

hello I'm Lisa's husband or I'm you know whatever right they're not the same people by the way Kieran's

so he's saying that's not how he that's not how he refers to himself he's saying that for my benefit yeah so you know who he is to give me context well otherwise you're like this could be any old talking dog

yeah and the reason I have to clarify that I'm Tom's dog is because Tom's never invited you around his fucking house. So you've got no idea what his dog looks like. Except for his Instagram. So then he's like, listen. That was a very cute photo you put on there. Oh, thank you very much.

Could you, yeah. Listen, you've been running your mouth about town, saying about me pissing all over the house, right? Put this in your head, mate. I live in that house 12 months of the year. And for a month, it stinks of piss. So who is it? Is it me or the Christmas tree?

Okay. See? Now you're fucking, you've been put in your place. Okay, but if you go into your toilet and it smells of shit, it's not the toilet's fault, is it? You just fucking shut your mouth, mate. There, you just walk out. He'd probably be like that.

Keep my name out of your mouth, yeah? If I'm honest with you, this is the most heated conversation our friendship has had. Tom, can I just clarify this? Can I just clarify this? I'm not saying it's your dog. Right.

What I'm saying is, let's look at the facts, okay? Yeah, okay. Okay, and I just want to be crystal clear. I'm not saying it's your dog. Yeah. Okay? What I'm saying is,

I don't know anybody whose Christmas tree is the amount of piss, apart from you, okay? In all of my life, nobody has ever said the words that you said to me at the beginning of this podcast, right? Nobody, okay? I have heard

of dogs pissing on trick now i'm not i'm not saying i'm not saying that your dog's doing it right yeah what i'm saying is if you were to assess a series of probabilities if you were to work out what the likelihood is all i'm saying is i'm not saying your dog's pissing on the tree i'm saying if i was if i was attaching percentages probability percentages i would say dog pissing on the tree is more is a higher percentage than your tree just tends to start smelling of piss of its own accord can you do me a favor then right I actually accept what you've said. I think there's some sense there. Obviously, until we have the expert and, God willing, they get in touch,

I'm looking forward to that moment. Can you do me a favour? Go round to a family friend or a loved one or a family member and just walk in and say, oh, is your tree doing that funny pissy thing? That funny pissy smell. And see if they go, what? Why would I do that?

Why would I do that? Yeah, because then what you're doing, right, the clever thing you're doing there, yeah, is you're basically going, so they're either going to go, no, it doesn't smell of piss. They go, oh, yeah, it does that every now and again. Yeah, but I'm leading the question. That's a leading question isn't it

mate okay along with a better way a better way a better way christmas tree engineer along with the christmas tree engineer can also a lawyer stroke solicitor get in contact for how romish is going to do this next part of the argument please so that's two people and i'd say that probably i i think both of us will probably have someone from the legal profession following us okay do you know what i'm going to do now tom i'm just going to google this very quickly all right we could have done that actually we could have done that actually 10 minutes ago and we could have done and actually had an episode that was worth broadcasting but we've we've gone down this road now can christmas

trees what should i google what questions can christmas trees smell of piss or urine smell but we've gone down this road now. Can Christmas trees... What should I Google? What questions should I Google? Can Christmas trees smell of piss? Oh, you're right. Smell. But you're right, because Google doesn't like piss and stuff. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon

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Echo thanks its presenting partner Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. Okay. I'm going to be honest with you. It seems like this is quite a common phenomenon. Oh, yeah. In your face. In your face.

Honestly, right, that feels like Lanzini against Tottenham. That feels real, mate. That is literally, watching your face there. Do you know what? I saw your shoulders literally dropped. Your glasses slipped down your nose as you read different people's accounts of how their Christmas trees smell of urine. Do you know what? Do you know what's so embarrassing as well?

Go on. Is actually the reason that they do start to smell is so much, so obvious. Which is? You know when you put water in the pot? pot yeah because it's just sitting there it sort of becomes like stale stagnant like piss it's like basically that the um the pot that it's in is like a it's like a bladder right and it flammes yeah i mean that's a it's a it's a weird way of looking i mean it's a pot full of stagnant water. I don't think, yeah, okay, it's like a bladder.

So, Romesh's Christmas tree fans, there's no need for you to get in touch now. We've solved this argument. And I think... Are you slightly embarrassed that we've talked about this for as long as we've... I'll tell you why, because that feels so obvious, doesn't it? No, no, no, you know what?

I was slightly going down the route of thinking, well, this is a bit embarrassing. It doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. There's not an end to this bit. And now there's an end thinking, well, this is a bit embarrassing. It doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. There's not an end to this bit. And now there's an end that, again, is proof that my general knowledge and my knowledge of the world

is slightly sort of sharper than yours at times. And what's great is... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I am willing to concede that there is some eggnog on my face as a result of this this christmas tree embarrassment right i'm filled i'm happy to admit that the idea that that's because you've got a

higher level of general knowledge than me is is a fucking insane assertion what you what you've said is is your christmas tree sometimes smells smells of piss and i've got i've heard of that. And it turns out that other people have had that as well. That doesn't mean your general knowledge is better than mine. No, but you've got to say, right, there was a time in this argument where you were so smug, right? You were fucking twirling. I agree with that. You were twirling your hair like the girl at Illegally Blonde, right?

You were like Reese Witherspoon in it. You thought you'd nailed it right and you you just it was just that thing it's that thing every now and again the underdog comes up so everyone who's listening this is this is just a lesson in life right there was a time i was going to concede there and say actually maybe you're you're right, but I knew that Christmas trees sometimes sunk a piss. You didn't know. You're about to concede and I googled it, is what happened. And poor

Darren fucking trudges back upstairs, dreams crushed. Actually, if I'm honest with you, all your Christmas tree friends are now just going to be like, oh God, Rom, don't get into this argument because Tom's right. Tom knows Christmas trees better than you. So there's a tip as well.

Don't leave the water in your Christmas tree for ages. No. Do you reckon a lot of your Christmas tree fans will now just slide over to me? Yeah. I mean, you're welcome to that 5%. I guess 5% of mine is what? 90, 95% of yours?

Zing, sir yours zing sir zing what a hell of an intro to the show i've got to be honest that was i found that that was that was i would say honestly i'm not just exaggerating that looked bad on me didn't it i think i think that was a bad is you have a very cynical mind at times my friend a very closed cynical mind and although it's a beautiful and brilliant mind at times you just need to be like actually i probably should listen to tom a little bit more often but yeah um or questions or whatever this is something that we're that we're wanting to do and and and tom it doesn't have to be it doesn't have to be personal problems it doesn't have to be it can. It doesn't have to be. It can be absolutely anything at all. It could be a trivia question.

It could be a question about a specific issue you've got going on in your life. It could be an opinion question. It could be the Christmas tree one would be a good example. If you had a Christmas tree issue, don't Google it. Send it in to us and let us chew the pine. Well, I wish I hadn't said that. It's a bit like we're cheating a bit now because we've sold the Christmas one by Google,

but I think that had to be done. Otherwise, I don't think we'd have got past it today. No. Well, then we'd have to have two guests on and it would have just been a baller. Now, actually, Tom, we've got one email that's got six problems in it. Wow.

Now, I don't expect us to be able to get through all of these, but I do want to help give a little bit of guidance here, okay? Well, this is where me and you are different. I'd like to get through all six and help this person because they need it. Okay. Well, let's just make it quick then because we've fucked around with this Christmas tree and we haven't really got time to go into a huge detail on this, okay so this email comes from cassim d cool right yep uh it says dear rom and tom having reached the ripe old age of 40 plus i imagine your 20s don't seem like they were that

long ago to you is that true do you how long ago do your 20s feel to you, Tom? About 20 years ago. Same again. I asked for that, really. I asked for that, really. To give some context, I'm 23 years old. Well, hard year. Tough time at 23. Yeah.

Out of a five-year relationship. Graduated this year. He's just got out of a five-year relationship. Yeah. He's out of a five-year relationship. Yeah. Graduated this year. Moved to a new city to start a new job, two months, says during these unprecedented times.

He's put unprecedented in capital letters to suggest that he's taking the piss. I have a few questions relating to age, potential upcoming midlife crises, and life. Number one, if you're 23 and you're worried about a midlife crisis, you're doing something wrong. Yeah. Don't worry about that until you're buying some decks and trying to fucking play them

you know what's you know what's so good about that is that um for those of you that don't know i have decks and tom knows that um he knows that very well What you won't have seen on the podcast is the fucking orgasmic glee that spread across his face even before he delivered his punchline there. He was so, so pleased with himself. Sorry, Rob.

I feel like we have to be taking Cassium because he needs some serious advice here so he's a professor I don't know what he is he doesn't say what he he doesn't say what he's graduated doing

he doesn't say what his job is or anything like that I assume those are irrelevant his first one and by the way there's two questions two of these six questions addressed to one of us

alone right so just let you know do you want your like specific one first yeah let's go one two three four five six yeah okay so the first one is to both of us what are some things you wish you did in your 20s maybe traveled i'd say travel i wish i'd traveled more sort of see more of the world like a younger age when i didn't have any sort of proper responsibilities and i could have been a bit more carefree where would you have liked to have gone sort of anywhere that wasn't sort of uh felaraki or like i'd have liked to have gone like Thailand and Australia and India and seen the world a bit more you know which is too late now because I think once you get to a certain age it's sort of it's a bit sadder isn't it sort of traveling around so what are you not are you not

are you you're not going to go to any of those places then well I might do I mean probably when I retire now it's just not going to be the same, is it? You know, watch young people having a good time and yourself finding somewhere to get a cup of tea. Yeah. I think, like, I think if I could give him any advice, I'd say, Cassium,

like, do it now. Quit whatever you're doing and just go and do it. You tell him to quit his job? Well, it sounds like he's lost his job anyway. Is that what you're saying?

Like, he sounds like he's, look, I'm going to tell you now, you're in your 20s, right? I didn't take take life that seriously i had an awful job in my 20s right and i went to that job every day and i did it yeah and what literally didn't i can't even remember i enjoyed weekends i enjoyed the evenings out but i i didn't do anything or achieve anything from 20 to 30 at all i literally was just like pub and work that was my whole life like isobar literally vaults whatever oh i used to love vaults i used to love vaults

vaults was a great place i mean vaults was literally vaults was pretty much the epitome of my fucking traveling getting on a fucking 420 yeah vaults vaults in kingston well it's not vaults anymore that can't be no no no it won't be vaults anymore. It'll change. So for you, Ron, what would that have been in your 20s? What I wish I'd have done? Yeah. I guess lost my virginity. You lost it on your 29th birthday.

I'd love that so much. Oh, God. No, I think Tom's advice is good. I don't know about leaving your job, because what are you going to do if we get an email next week and he says he's left his job? Don't leave your job. Take a sabbatical or something. I didn't even have a proper job.

I had the sort of job I could walk in on a Friday and get a job. I worked in scaffolding, I worked on building sites. It wasn't like a job job with a contract. This guy's graduated. This guy's graduated. I'm not a boffin like it.

That's just where you're better than I am. No, but I'm just, it's not even about being a boffin. I'm saying that he's graduated this year. He's moved to a new city to start his job. He's asked for some advice and you've said leave your job.

No, no, well actually, he's travelling anyway because he's in a new city. So even if I'd gone and done scaffolding in Hull it'd have been fucking different from doing it in Croydon and do you know what I mean?

Okay. So you're doing whatever the things. Tom's advice, Tom and my advice is to you know, do a bit of travelling. Obviously wait for the lockdown and quarantine and stuff to be over

but get something in the diary. Anywhere in particular you're thinking? Well, I'd say if I was him I'd be looking at Australia Thailand sort of way. At the time of

your life. Try and avoid any convictions if you can. Okay second question is how are 20s I'm not sure we can answer

this question. How are the 20s how are being in the 20s different compared to back in your day? What? I mean that do you know what this is this is a bigger question because at first i was actually going to come at this annoyed

and and then i break it down i could tell that i could tell that he's got a point because in my 20s there weren't in in our 20s not everyone had mobile phones it was a whole fucking different world if you went down the pub in our 20s right and you arranged to meet all your mates at 7 o'clock in the Rat and Parrot if no one if you got there

hold on whoa whoa whoa what made you just say Rat and Parrot it's a pub that gets everywhere isn't it it's a chain pub

that's where I I mean most of my 20s I drank in the Rat and Parrot yeah it was a known pub. It was a good chain back in the day. Okay, go on.

So if you think about it, right, you went to the pub at seven. Unless you were like one of the small percentage of people who had a mobile phone, you just have to make hope that your mates didn't get there early and go, oh, shit, this will go somewhere else. And traipse around fucking Crawley or Croydon or Kingston trying to fucking find where all your mates had gone because you didn't have a phone. So for a start,

that's a fucking big one. That you didn't have phones or anything. The way you told that in the same way that somebody might tell a story about being on rations during the war is fucking incredible. It's part of the reason why I feel sorry for my children's children.

You know, our children's children. When they listen to their parents talk about this current children's children you know our children's children when they listen to their parents talk about this current time do you mean like mcdonald's was closed you've got no idea couldn't get a haircut for two months you know all that shit i mean the playstation 5 thing was absolutely terrible. I remember we spent an afternoon just looking website after website. In the end, I had to buy it from StockX. Well, you couldn't go in a shop. That was the thing. So the PlayStation's out.

Hearing all these stories about how good Miles Morales' Spider-Man is. You can't even play it. Well, that's the thing. Back in our day, you wouldn't have heard those stories if you were sat indoors. Because no one could fucking get in touch with you unless you phoned someone on a house phone.

Do you know what I mean? It was a whole different world. Mate, can I tell you a story about vaults, right? This is honest to God happened to me, right? Two separate occasions at vaults this happened

to me, right? Yeah. First occasion, I'm at the queue at vaults, right? Yeah. This is vaults nightclub in Kingston.

I've got no idea if they've changed ownership. I hope they have because this story is not that positive about them. So I I'm at the queue at vaults right yeah this is vaults nightclub in Kingston I've got no idea if they've changed ownership I hope they have because this story is not that positive about them so I'm still in the

queue at vaults the bouncers right I'm looking ahead in the queue the bouncers start just pulling blokes out of the queue

right just pulling them out just like pulling them out going you're not coming in tonight you're not coming in tonight

just fucking clearing out blokes right and I'm sort of watching going fucking hell they like at first I was looking ahead

going are those guys like in a fight or something and then the bouncer like working their way down because I thought initially it was like troublemakers or something right

so they keep working their way down then they get to me right I'm there with my girlfriend grab me throw me out right i'm out and they start working with fruit i'm no word of a lie right this is honest to god truth

it was at that point that i realized that every bloke was asian oh basically they went through and de-asian blokes that entire queue it was i saw and people don't believe when I say this, honestly, mate, it's fucking mad. It was mad. I can believe it. The doorman there were fucking prime knuckleheads, right?

The worst thing is I went back. I went back. Imagine. Did your girlfriend go in or did she leave the queue with you? No, she left the queue.

Oh, cool. She left the queue. I was genuinely thinking at the end of that story that she sort of shrugged and sort of smiled and went in and you waited out there

till three in the morning yeah she'd come out with another bloke you offered them both a lift home I said I've been out for fucking ages did you ever have those relationships Tom where you just fucking did anything you were

oh my god yeah that literally like I remember being in relationships with people where you're just looking at thinking what you're doing with your life i know i remember being with a girl this is no joke i was with a girl right for a while where i genuinely thought it was a practical joke that all of my mates and my family had got together and got someone to do a wind-up that the girl was just pretending to go out with like like i was waiting for her to go let this is no one thought you'd fall for this as much as you had have and like you know and you said you love

me and all this and this is a joke and you're on one name i all of pretty much all of my relationships in my 20s were like me just like with like clinging on with anything i had it's so fucking pathetic when you've got that when you've got that level of self-esteem and i'm not saying that's unique to us loads of people go for it and cassie actually this is quite good this is quite good advice for you mate is that when you're in your 20s you've got a fucking you know don't be so desperate to be in a relationship that you just sell yourself out. It's just,

it's so bad, man. I can be that. I can be into that. I can be that guy. I can turn up there. I can be that guy, yeah. Yeah, I can go there. Yeah, if you want me to be... I'll go there.

If you want me to be interested in horses, I can be. Oh, it's so pathetic. I went talking about like the worst thing that I remember going to vaults, right? Do you remember if you got off the bus from,

I think actually it came from Cooley as well it was like 420 it came from like that way and you basically went down this big slope as you were walking

to vaults right and I remember I bought a pair of Patrick Patrick Cox wannabes and they had leather soles

and I didn't know that you had to like score the bottom of them to fucking mate so it's like a cold fucking

winter's night it's been raining I walk down I see this girl i fancy phrases i'm like oh man i'm just gonna go and chat to her like so i sort of do this really fucking like sort of like chandler bing-esque fucking jog up behind her with a hey like that sort of thing and as i get to her i realize i can't stop fucking moving right because the floor's become so slippery these leather shoes and fucking legs keep on going but i try and keep my body sort of like like by the side of her my legs literally just flip up and i smash to the ground right like with like like it was like an elephant fucking like being felled right just lay on

the fucking thing and she was like are you all right and all her mates were just laughing just pissing themselves laughing and i can hear my mates laughing other people on the bus going oh my god do you see that who are walking past like sort of treading over me it's fucking absolutely and then honestly for like probably about two years after that when i'd be involved it'd always be one person who'd come up and go oh you're that big fucking idiot who fell uh slipped over and yeah the slope yeah you're like yeah you know what's so sad about that is i know from being you know that we've got a lot in common in this regard but i know what you would have done is you'll have seen that girl you'd have been slightly nervous to do anything because you sort of think there's no way that that girl's gonna have any interest in me blah blah blah and then

you think stuff no do you know what? No, man, I'm going to give it a shot. And you did that. I've got my Levi's on. I've got my Patrick Coxies on. I'm bashing a Ben Sherman and a box leather jacket. There's a chance. There's a chance.

It's a small one. There's a chance. There's a chance. There's a chance that when I'm wearing absolutely all my best gear, the best stuff I own, I've done myself up to the apps this is the absolute maximum i can look this is absolutely the best i will i've ever looked is when i'll have the confidence to talk to this girl right yeah i've got uh what what aftershave are you oh mate i'd be busting some cool water back then i was like an izzy miyaki guy oh maybe that's a classy guy yeah that's a classy guy you go over there you've overcome your you've I'd have been busting some cool water back then. I was like an Izzy Miyake guy.

Maybe that's a classy guy. Yeah. That's a classy guy. You go over there. You've overcome your shyness. You run over there. And then you just fucking twat it like that. Yeah, you just total yourself.

And then you've got a really bruised elbow. Yeah. You walk your part. You're queuing at the bar for a fucking pound of pint. And everyone's laughing. Word has spread. And also, no one really gives a fuck. Once they're in there, they're just after, you know. But in your head, that's all anyone's talking. Word has spread. And also, no one really gives a fuck. Once they're in there, they're just after, you know.

But in your head, that's all anyone's talking about. You're fucking sat, sitting in a corner of fucking vaults with a Bacardi Breezer and a fucking bruised knee just wishing you could go home and talk to your mum about it.

A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure michigan keep it fresh at michigan.org i remember i'd been going out of a girl for like a really long time right and uh we split up and it was a it was a bad split and i'd like i was i was really like out

i'd ruled myself out of the game. Do you know what I mean? I say a game. I don't know what you're like, Tom, but all of my relationships have followed six months of working with the person. That would have been pretty fucking tough when you're working as a scaffolder. Even if I was that way inclined,

it's a pretty small pool. So I split up with this girl and then we're at we're at um Icon Diva in Crawley right and my mates my mates were going to me you've got a like you've got a chat to a girl and like the force is just so I just the force is not strong in me at all yeah right we've talked about this a lot and so I was really like nervous and there were these two girls and they had this like an american diner in uh in the club right and there were these two girls sitting eating something and my mate goes to me right you come with me i'm going to chat to that girl and you chat to this girl and by the way these are the days when it was totally you know this is another thing cassie this is a difference between you being in your 20s and us being in our 20s it was expected that you would go and harass women

that were just trying to have a nice night out it was just accepted that you would go completely fucking unprompted and shoot your shot with a girl and if they knocked you back they were the arsehole that that was that was that was the fucking way it went down so many times. Anyway, I walk over with my mate and he starts chatting to this girl. I promise you, this is how my conversation went. I sat down. She was eating a hot dog. I don't know why.

The first thing I said to her was... I don't know why. The first thing I said to her was... The first thing I said to her was, you look like you're enjoying that. Right? She didn't say anything to me. She turned to her friend and she goes, can you just get him the fuck away from me?

Jesus. My mate, he was chatting to me, he could not fucking process how quickly I'd managed to alienate this woman. Mate, I could talk about these stories

all day long. I remember this is the lowest one where you talk about these stories all day long i remember this is the this is the lowest one where you talk about this right it's like in a small like you know we in your company small sort of little towns right and i remember like blue orchid yeah like splitting up with a girl and everyone but yeah everyone would be going there on a thursday night blue orchid was the one right everyone used to go there from that yeah from where i lived and i remember splitting up this girl and I was absolutely heartbroken. Like, I made best friends with her brother. It was so embarrassing.

Her brother was about six years younger than us. We'd buy her brother and his mates bags and cans of beer. She'd be like, why are you fucking hanging out with my brother? It's so fucking weird. And one of my pals, very much in the way that your mate's done that,

he's gone. She's in here tonight and she's with her mates. The best thing you could do is look like you're having a good time and try and make her jealous, right? Yeah. Which is like the worst advice. Because the best advice a friend can give you, and this is my advice, Cassie,

if you're feeling like that, mate, just go home. Because there's no better person in the world than your parents don't don't try to be fucking don't listen to your masculine fucking like that shit advice because honestly that night i got absolutely leathered right leathered and i sort of did that you know that thing where people go oh just dance like no you know dance like no one's watching when you're six foot seven there's no chance of that happening when you start dancing you're absolutely fucked on fucking blue wkds and whatever else you've been drinking everyone's fucking watching and everyone's laughing and it's an absolute shower of embarrassment and then i threw up in the middle of the fucking dance floor oh my god about three or four people

slipped over my sick i slipped over my sick and the doorman all the doorman and fucking just like grabbed me and dragged me off they were sick people you know and they dragged me out and then i just started crying like sobbing to the doorman about this how much i love this girl and all this and you just i remember the doorman just looking me with so much pity and just saying look just sit here and just get yourself together and i remember just sitting at the back of blue all kid on a fucking curb with a bottle of water and every now and again

this fucking doorman would come out and go you alright mate come on sort yourself out you know do you want to make a

phone call in the office or whatever it was just so embarrassing Michael by the way that doorman what an incredible guy

oh he was lovely people are like oh yeah I remember having a fight with the doorman it's certainly a better thing to be like a doorman

dragged me out of a crowd rather than the doorman felt so sorry for me he had to come and check check out you know i mean i don't think i've ever seen a not i don't think i've ever been in that tragic a situation that i've been invited to make a phone call from the nightclub office that was genuinely a low that's a fucking low right i'm gonna be marked through you're lucky cassie you've got me and romesh here to tell you these stories because i remember going into work as a scaffolder on Monday and other people have been in the fucking

Blue Orchid and told that story. And I had literally probably about three years of shit about crying in a nightclub. Different times. I'll tell you what happened

to me, Tom, is that when I was like maybe 17, 18, I sort of flirted with, now Tom, as you know my I would say my dress sense

is slightly hip hop influenced you know I wear a you know back then I sort of didn't really know where to draw the line right so

occasionally I would sort of you know it's weird like I would buy stuff that I'd seen rappers wearing forgetting that I am sort of a

British Asian kid in crawley it doesn't cut the context is not the same right anyway i remember there's this girl that i quite liked at college right and uh i really liked her and she'd sort of invited me to to be at the same you know it wasn't like go out with me it was like i'll see you at the base in east grinstead right so i was like all right wicked and i for some reason had convinced myself that part of the thing that attracted her to me was that kind of that kind of hip-hop style that i've got right so i went to the base with like really baggy kind of red trousers, bright red, right, pin rolled, right, timberlands, right,

an oversized shirt. But just so you know, to give you some context for this, I've been watching a lot of Jodeci videos, right? Leather waistcoat, right? But to top it off, this was this is the apps i cannot believe i thought this was this was okay i wore a bandana oh my god right a red you know like those well you're not a not a bandana. It's all a red bandana, a bloods bandana. Yeah.

I turn up at the club at the base. You know what? All of a sudden, I'm genuinely thinking, I love you to death. And I love that our friendship has blossomed through our 30s. But you can imagine what a sad fucking pair of pricks we would have been in our 20s. We'd never have had the confidence if we were friends together to have fucking done this for a job. I know. Go on, sorry.

Anyway, so this is what's really sad about it is I didn't realise what happened until quite late on in the evening, right? So what happened was I saw her, she saw me and then she went off

to get a drink or whatever and then I felt like we were playing it cool and then she went off to get a drink whatever and then i felt like we were playing it cool and i didn't want to approach her too soon and shit like that and so i just sort of hung out with my mates and stuff like that and then a bit later on i sort of went to find her and uh she was gone right and and then what I realized had happened was, is she had seen me being so embarrassed about the possibility of being seen by other people talking to this guy wearing a fucking bandana that she just left. Did you ever speak to her again? No, I don't remember speaking to her again. I don't remember speaking to her again i don't think so and then i i left right the club

and i went to this is this is sort of the tragic fucking almost the most tragic part of the whole thing right i was drunk and feeling sorry for myself right because you know when you've teased you know like that same thing with the with your loafers where you fall nice over tech you're absolutely dejected. I was like fucking snake's belly low, right? And then I just thought, I'm just going to fucking get some food at the kebab shop like a fucking loser and just go home, right?

And I remember going into the shop. By the way, people stare at them. Everywhere I go, I'm getting stared at, right? Because I look like a pirate basically, right? I walk into the kebab shop. You look like you work at Chessington World Adventures on the Jolly Roger.

Thought parks that way, mate. I go into the kebab shop. I order my food. As I'm waiting for my food, this drunk girl comes up to me. And it's just such a nothing thing to say, but it sent me into a fucking... She just looked at me and she went... She just pointed at my head and she goes,

I like your handkerchief. Oh, bless you. That's so horrible. Did you say anything? Did you retort or did you... No, I didn't. I just took my food and I left. It's so horrible, isn't it? It's so... Do you know, this is... This actually now feels like a

counselling session for me and you we had a guy who played in our football team right and he he was like the coolest guy

you'll ever meet and his nickname was Slick and his real name was CJ right so his real name was CJ like people would just

call him CJ right and then that became Slick so it was like CJ was Tom Davis in any fucking even nothing's cool about that right like people would just call him CJ right and then that became slick so it was like like CJ was Tom Davis in any fucking even teeth nothing's cool about that right CJ which is a fucking cool name if anyone's calling you CJ then becomes slick right he used to work in a uh like a shop called

Fusion or something in Sutton he was like fucking the guy to fucking go to for clothes and all that yeah but I used to find back then like now it's not too bad if you're a big big guy now you can find stuff that's going to fit you everyone does a tall range or whatever but then you'd really struggle to find something and he used to like whenever you have big size and things he just texts all like fucking give me a shout and fucking down the pub i've got really nice versace like shirt will fit fit you lovely my confidence and fucking self-belief was so fucking low i used to walk in and he like he'd always go i'll make that put this on and it would always be like two sizes too small and the buttons would breach and like fucking he'd like go uh and i go these buttons should

should they be like around my around my chest like popping open like this and he'd be like just wear it i'm done mate just go with it right and i so wanted to fucking look cool and have like like like he'd look fucking he'd be wearing a similar shirt and look so fucking cool yeah right and i'd look at him go oh yeah maybe i look a bit like that and i'd look in the mirror with fucking rose tinted glasses he once sold me a pair of fucking like plastic leather trousers right and said you know these are fucking these look blinding on you and they were like they weren't even cheap right i'm saying like at the time they were probably fucking like 250 260 quid this i'm talking late 90s early part of that yeah and i remember going out in those and a fucking like

like what shoes you wear if you're a fucking six foot seven man who squeezed himself into some fucking pvc trousers do you know what i mean mean? But I remember going out on a Friday night and people ripping me. I remember a girl just coming up to me, sort of smiling over, laughing with her friends and coming walking over. And I was like, you all right? And she was like, yeah, yeah.

Me and my mates were just saying, I bet you've got a really sweaty ass. Oh my God. Isn't that horrible? Oh my God. Yeah, that is quite sweet you're like

you have no retort to it oh no you're just trying to turn it into a bit of banter like you're in on the joke

yeah no that's really sweet to be fair actually my boxer shorts are wet right through

so to be yeah if I'm honest with you Cassie if your fucking 20s are anywhere near as pathetic and depressing as mine and Romesh's, they will get better in your 30s.

So, yeah, just grit your teeth and get through it, son. Well, Tom, that's great advice. Cassie, I hope we haven't depressed you too much. We are, we'd love to do the rest of your problems, Cassie, but we're actually out of time. I'm starting to think that it was great getting Cassidy's questions and hopefully we can come back but it feels like that...

Do you want to? Should we come back to this? Yeah, but it feels like that became something of a counselling session for me and you in the end. Actually, weirdly, Cassidy, what I would say is you came to us with a problem and actually, in your own way, you enabled us to talk about ours so you may be sitting there casting thinking thank you tom and ron but actually from on behalf of both of us

yeah we'd like to thank you yeah so you know it just goes to show you doesn't it yeah i don't know what exactly but it shows you uh, as always, can you do your thing and take us out of the wolf for now, please? So listen, who are you when you look in the mirror? You're ever-changing. A little bit like a Christmas tree. The 10th of December, you brought it to someone's home and you're glistening.

You're prickly, pine, needles, green as can be. And everyone's looking at you with adulation, a newborn. And then, you know, the baubles and everything are put on you and you look even prettier and you look great. And then they water you and slowly but surely you start reeking of piss and people come in and they look at you with the same fond eyes tough times tough times but there'll come a time around the 6th of january where they'll take off the decorations and they will put you out the front of their house for garbage men to put into a pit somewhere for recycling of trees and when people do that they'll be sad because the joy that christmas tree brings is something pretty special and

that's a little bit like life you know no matter who you are where you are remember the times when the baubles shone brightest. And sometimes, sometimes, it's not the worst thing to stink of piss. It's just you drinking water. So yeah, that's me breaking down this week. That was so nice. Sort of a man describing the cycle of a Christmas tree and realising that it actually

only gets bleaker as you continue and then realizing you didn't have an end to that bit that was you know what that was another one where i sort of started off thinking oh this is going to be really actually this is probably going to be the most like sort of like like it's going to be quite inspiring for anyone listening going yeah you know what i'm going to fucking get i actually realized that the christmas tree is only good for about fucking five minutes. I love it if Katy Perry decided to do this song instead of fireworks

and it went about A Christmas Tree. It just gets more and more depressing as it goes on. Baby, you're a Christmas tree. That turned you stinking far. Fucking wee. What an awful song. I thought it was a shame to myself.

Let's go out on that. Well, look, Tom, thank you very much, brother. Kasim, thank you. Thank you, Kasim. We'll see you guys next week for The Wolf and The Owl.

Laters. Laters.