Wolf and Owl - Episode 21

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

We’re talking… heartfelt apologies, new names for a Wolf & Owl team member, golfing gags, exercise regimes, an update on Tom’s watergate scandal and more of your sweet sweet emails. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows

Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff, a puff and a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog okay you ready oh yeah you want to do any more of that? How does that make you feel? Because you sort of quivered a bit when I did that. I don't know.

It's just, it's a difficult one because it is you and I'm not, I'm not a homosexual, but it does sound very close to a noise that would appeal to me. Sort of the way you're doing it. Oh yeah. You should have that as a text thing when

you text me when I text you yeah because no it would be weird if you had it as your text ring tone does your phone

make any noises no no no stealth man stealth when you're sitting on a train and somebody's phone actually starts ringing

yeah I just immediately think what's going on in your life man that you need to you need to announce it feels like it feels like you're shoving off an apple watch is such a godsend for that you know it really is i i i had an apple watch and i had to get rid of it because because like you know when you can you see emails on it yeah so I would see an email, it would come up, and I'd just look at it and I'd think, I'll deal with that later. And then when I go to an actual plate on my laptop or whatever, I've read it, I just never look at it again.

So I was just not responding to shitloads of emails. You can turn that, you can turn your lights off on your emails on the watch. I just find it good for fitness. Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, you can turn the emails off so they don't ping up. I found it so good for fitness. Well, what does it do for fitness excuse me excuse me yeah you can turn the emails off so i don't ping up i found it so good for fitness well what does it do for fitness i'm still reeling from the fact that just a simple switch could have meant that i kept my iphone well what the fuck's it called

i watch i watch yeah yeah you can just go through all the options i don't have that many things that ping up i'll have texts that ping up because i can get straight back to someone on a text. I don't have emails that come up. Sure. I don't have WhatsApps. But I have, yeah, the fitness thing is big. Yeah, so you can see how far you walk, what calories you're burning. Yeah. And at the moment where I'm in this healthy kick, it's a good vibe. Does it affect your actual behavior? What I mean by that is when you look and you go, I't walked enough steps you then go for a walk yeah i do yeah so no i always try and hit

10 000 steps a day at the moment okay at the moment yeah i can just go and if i look at if the phone's not accurate because you haven't got the phone with you the whole time well you you know because you're always on your phone but sometimes wow oh hello there you've caught the wolf and the owl in the middle of one of our textbook chats welcome to the wolf in our podcast guys yeah welcome i think we need to do like um a very sincere apology actually yeah yeah yeah we need to apologize because last week well you know why we're apologizing last week there were no were no episodes. Now, what I would say is, I posted on the Wolf and Owl Instagram.

Are you annotating this meeting? What are you doing? Are you taking minutes? No, I'm writing minutes. No, no, I was just turning off because I've got that annoying twing where my fucking emails go. I've turned it off my laptop,

but I've turned it off my watch. Okay. The Apple conundrum that we all, whence we all live in. Sorry, I think we should do an apology. You do yours and I'll do mine. Okay. Okay.

I would like to apologize because one of the things that I said to Tom, when we started this podcast is half the battle is making sure that you deliver the podcast when you're supposed to deliver it because a podcast becomes part of people's routines. They're relying on it on a certain day of the week. And we said at the bare minimum, even if the quality dips, which it has done, let's be absolutely honest, it's been a real roller coaster in terms of the actual content. But even if that happens, we have to stick hard and fast to the rule that we put on episode every

week and i just want to apologize to you the listeners and also to the wolf for for letting the side down now what i would say to you is unforeseen circumstances it was outside of our control but the wolf would have been able to record it is the owl that that sort of let the side down and i just like to apologize there is only a two okay so it's a weird thing to say bearing in mind that this podcast sort of pits us against each other almost every single episode but yeah yeah there were some people saying oh maybe the wolf should have done one with the shrew which i'm a little bit i find bad at least it's known as the shrew within the can i can i just jump in here because just with regards to that shrew thing,

it turns out I thought that was funnier than Lisa does. So one of the first things she said to me was, what made you pick the shrew? Why did the shrew... I agree with Lisa. Yeah, of course you do. You don't need to say that out loud. I know that you'll agree with Lisa. Yeah, of course you do. Of course you do. You don't need to say that out loud. I know that you'll agree with Lisa on pretty much everything.

But she said to me, first of all, what made you say... Can I just say what I'd have called Lisa, by the way? I'd have called her the swan. Would you? Yeah. Because at that time she broke my arm. She's just elegant and sort of should be protected against all costs. Fuck off. Yeah, so anyway so anyway look first of all she

was a bit annoyed that that was the first word that popped into mind even in a joke not really annoyed sort of comically annoyed yeah the fact that almost all of our emails that we're getting in now are addressed to the wolf owl and the shrew. Probably hasn't helped my case. And then some of them are sort of treating Lisa like a shrew butler where they go, even if you don't read this email out, could you make sure, could you make sure this message

gets passed on to them? Calling a shrew an email. Oh, bless. Mate, we need to change that up. So from now, should we say the swan? Not swan though. I think swan's a bit. I think swan Not Swan, though. I think Swan's a bit...

I think Swan's a bit much. I think, like, Cat? Cat? Cat's my actual missus's name, so it's a bit confusing. Oh, right, OK. Well, I can't imagine... I'm not actually suggesting

that I call her that sort of around the house, Tom. It's just in the context of the podcast. What about... If you and I were out for dinner together, I would still continue to call her Lisa. I think we'd be all right in that. What other sweet animals are there? Nice animals that we like?

Otter. Otter is arguably worse than a shrew. Ocelot. Puma. The falcon. The falcon? Yeah. The wolf, the owl and the falcon.

Yeah. All right, yeah, fine. let's see what she says um any correspondence on emails should be to the wolf the owl the falcon anyone who's emailing into the shrew your emails will be deleted uh and we'll put it what no they won't be deleted but well i think we need to we need to make a president right you that's your apology what we hold on hold on on. Before we carry on, what are we calling Kat? Kat can just be Kat. She can just, yeah.

She loves Kat. So it's the wolf, owl, falcon and the cat. That's what this unit is. This is what this merry foursome is. Okay, go on. So is that your apology, Dan? Yeah, I thought it was quite a nice apology. I thought it was nice. Can I just do one for the wolf?

You've sort of responded to it like I've taken a shit on the dining table. No, I'm just going to do mine. You've done yours. It's quite cool. James Torrance, if you can, can you put on the theme tune from Raging Bull? So just put that on a bed under this, what I'm about to say.

My sweet dear listeners, this comes from the bottom of both of our hearts. You are the most important people to us and that we've let you down this week breaks my heart and it also breaks the hours out. We will endeavour to never do this again. You are the globe in which we tread upon.

You are the honey within our hives. That's the wolf saying, we're both sorry. Really nice. Really, really nice really really nice you're the globes in which we tread upon yeah that's a nice sentiment right yeah I think with that

if you know the song I mean and James Torrance just get in touch if you don't know which one because I'll ping it over to you are we keeping all of this admin bit in the edit are we taking it out? no I like when the admin stuff's in also James Torrance is a very important part. I've actually missed his correspondence this week. I wish I'd, you know.

Yeah. How are you, by the way? You don't normally contact him unless he needs something, do you? I haven't needed anything this week. No, no, no. That's why he hasn't heard from you. I've continued to email him, but that's just because I sort of consider him a colleague

as well as a friend. Whereas you just consider him... guess i guess by the way you just ordered him to lay the track like i guess you consider him some sort of uh audio butler right listen or something you number one you seem obsessed with butlers this week oh yeah that's true isn't it i don't know why she mentioned oh okay just quickly james torrence if you want um yo james this is a wharf i treasure you you're an incredible human being and when we can i want to take you out for the biggest and loveliest lunch you've ever had in your life and the drinks they'll be flowing on me just just to take the gloss off that little bit he also offers that to every single person who emails into the podcast so anyway listen i'm gonna tell you this now tom yeah it's a fucking delight to see you my brother this has been doing this podcast it's been lovely just to to know that i've got a guaranteed hour

of face-to-face time yeah with my guy so it's been a bit... I've missed you. I've missed the turbulent rock and roll, the washing machine rhythm of our relationship. And just seeing you sort of languidly sat back, cheeky and sort of like, you know, in your Arsenal, whatever, that fifth kit that they've got this year. By the way,

I've got to just quickly shout out something. Arsenal are Arsenal. But mate, your kits and all of your Arsenal wear this year is so drippy. It's so nice. West Ham is literally stuck in a fucking

turbulent fucking, we're like the 90s still. We're not even retro 90s, by the way, shit 90s. There's nothing nice. I'm looking at that top

just thinking, man, what is the point of supporting a club that only puts out two? To be fair though, this isn't a kit. This is like...

Adidas got Pharrell Williams to reimagine some of their kits. So this is like his take on a bruised banana kit. But what I would say is there is no point... Just quickly just break down what you've just said, right? Pharrell Williams has just done this bruised banana kit, right? That's the shit you're getting as an Arsenal fan. That's what you're getting. We got a centenary kit, which was just black.

It was just like... Okay, well, tell me this. What would you like? Really cool kits or be in the running for Champions League? What would you prefer? If I'm honest with you, I'd sooner just be mid-table so I don't get my heart broken when we don't qualify for the Champions League, but I look good.

I mean, that's one of the most ridiculous things you've ever said. Mate, you know the other thing, by the way. How often are you wearing football kits, just out of interest? I mean, I'm wearing it because I wear this around the house. I wouldn't go out. I don't think I'd go out.

Yeah, no, but I've seen you on interviews and stuff where you've got one of their cool trainings, like their zip-up tops or something on. I swear I have. Right. Which look quite cool. It's so difficult to know what you're doing sometimes.

No, I'm not doing anything, but I have seen. Because even when you're at your nicest and your smiliest and your little rosy cheeks are at full pop, I know that you're fucking sticking a fucking knife in there.

No, no, I'll be honest. I've seen you lurking about in like, like, arsehole wear at times and it looks quite cool. That's what I'm saying like

you know I've got one West Ham jumper which is just about passable I just think that look you know West Ham fans are some of the coolest fans

in the league they need to fucking up the ante I think that they should do a collab with Stone Island yeah that would be perfect for West Ham's image

that would yeah absolutely right that's exactly what they need as a brand, a fucking Stone Island collaboration. Just in case anyone was in any doubts about the firms operating, we're fucking properly, officially linked up with Stone Island now.

Wait, let me just say, by the way, I have to apologise for the squeakiness of my chair. This has been sitting on my desk for like two weeks now, and I've just done nothing about it it's a can of wd-40 guys for people oh yeah listening to the podcast how is look because we haven't spoke how's your fitness how's your fitness drive going um okay well there's a couple of things that um i struggling with. So what I've done, what I've been doing is I've been trying to get, obviously I've been away and so I wasn't able to do it then. But since I've come back, the things I've been doing is

I've been trying to make sure I do some sort of exercise for at least half an hour, ideally an hour every day, right? So whether that be Peloton or like kettlebells or whatever, right? And I've also started using MyFitnessPal, you know, the app to sort of log what I'm eating and stuff and try and keep on top of my calories. Now, the two big issues that I'm facing are my tits. No, the two big issues that I'm facing are, one, I'm just so greedy.

I'm so incredibly greedy. And we've had a lot of emails in about what people described as sort of porn levels of fantasizing about takeaways that we did on on on the last episode so i'm greedy i can't i haven't really got good willpower the other thing i've noticed about myself and i don't think you do have this problem well at least at least you don't give the impression of having this problem my tolerance for exercise-based kind of pain and punishment is so low like my my brain tells me to give up so early on in yeah yeah because i thought you'd have more you know knowing that you know because knowing that what you hit we do for a living you have to go through much so much fucking beatdowns and pain and absolute anguish to get where you've got

it surprises me that you give it because i know as well by the way let me just say i know we've talked quite quite a lot about you know i suppose what people will call body dysmorphia like how much we hate our bodies right yeah it shocks me that you i think i think that right what you said i don't think you have a problem i think you're making excuses because i've seen you like peloton's fucking hard man peloton's proper grueling and like i think jay or someone said you were smashing it at one point so it's just a thing isn't it i've just started doing it we'll see what happens but like for example we did a thing years ago you know did this i did the show in america and lisa was in the show right much

sort of almost against her will she was absolutely fucking furious about it but one of the things that we had to do was we went and got a navy seal workout on the beach on venice beach right and lisa i i don't know i don't know if katherine's like this she's a fucking machine i i don't we are we are made of very different stuff lisa and i right so one of the things they're getting us to do they're getting us to do mad shit like have you seen this thing where you deep breathe like you really deep breathe for a while and you oxygenate your blood yeah and then you just hold your breath and you can hold your breath for fucking ages right so we did this right before we did it so this is apparently like if you

oxygenate your blood, your desire to breathe like really quickly is just mental. It's not physical. So they're trying to do this to show us how you can sort of get more control over your body. Do you mean to overcome, overcome your brain sort of telling you to pull out, right?

So we both oxygenate. We, we did, we tried to hold our breath. I couldn't hold my breath as long as Lisa, right? So I can't remember. It was like a minute or something like that. And then Lisa's a bit longer.

After we did this oxygenating our blood, I was able to hold my breath for about three minutes. What? Mate, it's mad. Lisa, this is how hardcore she was. They had to tell her to start breathing again. Wow. Because she just fucking hard-cooled it out, right?

And then we started doing these workouts. They were getting us to run with like a tie around us, run down to the beach with a kettlebell, completely cover it in sand, run down, wash it off, like all of this mad shit. And I could see the Navy SEALs, the way they were talking to Lisa and I was different because they saw Lisa as somebody who was actually

she was made of stern stuff whereas they couldn't even mate, the best way to describe it is they were disgusted with me and I'm not talking about my physique I was at my biggest then, I'm talking about just my attitude, the whole way I was carrying myself, they were appalled that somebody like

me, they even had to look at me it was so humiliating. Yeah, but there's a thing where I try really hard at stuff and then I fail. So it's almost like what they were disgusted with you, but I have a very different look from people like that, which is pity, which is like this guy is very willing to do things, but he hasn't got the metal

to follow it through. Yeah. I think that's more admirable. It's more admirable, but more admirable but it's more mate i'd much rather people went oh you're disgusting you can't even be bothered to try then went oh well done mate you know this isn't for everyone there's two very different things going on there yeah that happens a lot to me on league of their own things you know like when we're doing vts and stuff you'll often see like i win a challenge because i've managed to actually

put an effort in despite my obvious shortcomings, do you know what I mean? Well, you know, obviously on paper Freddie and Jamie absolutely trounced him, but in terms of overcoming his sort of physical setbacks and the fact that he is a fucking gelatinous slug, we're actually

going to give the win to Romesh. That happens a lot. But these things, right, that happen, you have to fight We're actually going to give the win to Romesh. That happens a lot. But these things that happen, you have to fight against all the time. Mate, if I'm honest with you, I've come back this last couple of weeks since we talked about it, doing off and on circuits.

I had my vaccine this week, so I didn't go to work. I was so fucking... Which one did you have? When I went in, this is how the woman described it. She said, let me just shout out.

I thought the whole thing was amazingly organized. It was incredible. Shout out to everyone. But the woman was so happy and joyous, which I think is amazing because she's obviously

happy with what she's doing. But she went, oh, we've got the Dolly Parton special today. So it's a Moderna one that Dolly Parton's painted in. Oh, right. And that threw me into a spin, right?

Because of all of the fucking vaccines out there, right? If I was going to a music concert and someone went, oh, fucking, you know, and Xenical, whatever it's called, or fucking Pfizer are playing, but if Dolly Parton was playing, that'd be great. What Dolly Parton, I'm not sure how much Dolly Parton knows about fucking vaccines or medicine. I'm happy to get something that's been endorsed by Dolly Parton.

If it's a fringed denim jacket. So I had the vaccine and then everyone told me to chill out and take the rest of the day off. But I had to go into London for a couple of meetings. So I went in and I straight away started feeling ill. i was like just not ill just tired and a bit run down which by all accounts is what happens if it's working better um that's what i tell you on the modern the leaflet um and then i was just out of the game for like two or three days right you know just i was a lot fatigued anyway run down but all i all i could think of when this was happening is

just dolly parton sitting in a little lab somewhere going, I think this is just the way that we're going to beat coronavirus. Just with test tubes. I think we're going to defeat it today. I really do. Willie Nelson just smoking a fucking spliff in the background. You know it, Dolly. I feel like this is going well, Willie.

Well, you know, I'm in the lab working 9 to 5. Yeah, okay. You do that joke every day, Dolly. I did a really pathetic, you know, talking about jokes. So I played golf yesterday. You've been playing golf every day, haven't you? I've played quite a lot of golf. I'm quite enjoying the vibe

of golf. The old Insta stories, hashtag golf life. Yes. Just fucking building the brand, boy. The old Insta stories, hashtag golf life. Yes. When you're just fucking building a brown boy. Yeah, no, no. And then I stumbled upon a thing where one of the guys went,

how are you playing? I said, I'm playing like Eric Malcom. I'm hitting all of the right shots, just not in the right order. And this guy pissed his pants. He thought it was very funny. And I then caught myself

doing that. I talked to about 20 people across the course that day and they were like how are you playing and I went yeah yeah bro I'm a bit like Eric Malkin even started doing the glasses a little bit like Eric Malkin hitting all the right shots

and then I felt disgusted with myself I felt like and then I even did an Instagram video saying that why do you feel disgusted you just described my last... You just described my last... Over and over and over again. You just described my... You just described my last tour, bro. That's the closest I've ever come to doing a tour.

Yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom's doing all 18 holes over the course of an afternoon. Go see him. Oh, mate, he's up there every day. I mean, jokes are limited. He's got his Eric Morecambe bit and a bit of outstanding... How many balls has he hit?

I was still on a rake and hit two. But actually, you go for the jokes, but you stay to watch him play golf because that is, frankly, hilarious. How's your fitness journey been going then? So you were knackered off the vaccine. Yeah. I've sort of got back to it this last couple of days

with Stan. Yeah, but you've been hitting it hard because you train with Stan, right? Yeah. And he pushes you to the Stan, right? Yeah. And he's, he pushes you like to the max, right? I can't believe I said to the, why did I say

to the max? Yeah, I mean, that was very, that was very thick. Yeah. So sorry. When you said that, you did sound like

someone who used to be like chubby at school, but now you're in like a really ripped, ripped condition. You sounded like when you were saying that you were slurping a can of Monster Energy. Oh, I'm so fucking gutted. Every now and again something happens.

No, but I think that that's going to stay with me today. Yeah, but I think that sometimes the actual human that you are, that is in you. What, coming out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's ingrained in you. Like, you know, those sort of, yeah, I'm going to smash it to the max and all that because you know what i always think like with you that i could imagine that's what when you worked at some class hut and you had like uh aspirations of working at soul trainer like everything was to the max and like living on

the edge that's a slight problem i've got with working out to be honest with you is is to the max you know like every workout has got to be your arsehole gets turned inside out or if you don't cough up blood you haven't worked hard enough or whatever you know that kind of that feels like by the way i know what you're doing by the way well you feel so pathetic about saying to the max you're now trying to come up with better cooler ways of saying it like your ass will be turned inside out right uh and like thrown up and all this shit but you know deep down inside that your go-to was i pushed it to the max now let me let me explain something to you we've received a number of emails over the past few months of us doing this podcast about how good this this podcast has been

for people's mental health and stuff like that. And, you know, don't allow things to get to you. Now, what I've done there is I've tried to move on from something I feel a bit sad about. And what you've done, like a fucking sort of nightmare demon. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis?

Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that's Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit

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Only at Kudo. Conditions apply. You know, you've basically become my inner voice. Don't try and move away from to the max. That was your go-to phrase. That's your favorite. And now you're trying to say cooler things to put it behind you, but you can't

put it behind you. That's the kind of thing that you say, Romesh. What the fuck is up with you? You know what, though? I will, seriously, I will give £500 to charity if you call your next tour

Romesh Rangarathan to the max. Oh, God. If you give a grand to charity, if you're willing to give a grand to charity, I'll call my next tour Romesh Ranganathan to the max. Right, I'll do that then. So what will that be, 2023? I reckon I'll have a grand on the hip then.

Yeah, it's fucking two minutes for you on set of King Gary, isn't it? I fucking wish. Grand in the hip pocket. So look, with Stan, let me just say what Stan, by the way, is the best personal trainer I've ever had by a long, long way. How many have you had? I've had about 12. Okay, there you go.

That's a qualified. I've been around a bit when it comes to personal trainers, but Stan's very much my life partner when it comes to personal training. Personal training. Because you know what Stan is? If he makes everything fun, he has a laugh with stuff, you have a real good conversation. But actually, when you're, as you say, pushing it to the max,

you're like... Oh, here we go. He's not finished. He's not finished. No, no, no. I'm just saying because that's it. No, but that's the parallels. We're working in that.

And look, by the way, I don't hate pushing to the max. I just wouldn't say it much. Okay, when Stan's extending your limits, which is something else I can imagine you'd say. When Stan's enhancing your boundaries, right? Yeah, when Stan's absolutely pushing the envelope

to the next letter but this is the worst one actually that people say beasted bro so beasted beasted just off but stan makes it very fun but he can be ice cold at times when he needs when he thinks you've got more in you he'll he'll make you search your soul to get that out, which I think you need. It's like today, I've done,

shout out Locksmith for his weighted vest. You got the, oh yeah, you talked about it. So what do you do with this, shout out to Locksmith. What do you do,

so how does his weighted vest, oh my God, I said weighted vest. But you know what? How does this, Tom? Tom, tell me, this weighted vest, what does it do with it? So the weighted vests are amazing. Genuinely, yeah.

So Locksmith does a range of weighted vests. You go for a walk in them, it will literally enhance the walk, so you'll be dropping more and more weight. So when you do your daily walk with Lisa and the kids or whatever you do, when you do your walk, so you and Lisa go for a romantic walk, put this on, you'll feel it, man. Do you feel a difference? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mate, last time, that's where I dropped the most weight was doing that every morning. Getting up, espresso, bang. A little espresso so you get the old nothing to eat get out uh fasted do that then probably a workout and then i'd have breakfast so you feel like you feel like you're making progress there yeah i mean i'm getting that look mate i still look like you know but also the mirror that you see like that we have behind me there right that mirror is like one of those mirrors at the fair so you sort of always look

more dumpy than you actually are so we have mirrors in the bathroom where I go oh look I look fucking really good or I look in the at night when you're looking in the window I go oh I actually feel like I'm actually sort of like shifting a bit of fucking weight here and I look in that thing and I'm like oh mate

this is absolutely soul destroying I saw a thing once I think my son and i like theo and i got went through a phase of watching the american version of dragon's den which is called shark tank yeah watch that for a while right and one of the inventions that somebody one of the things that somebody was trying to get funding for was a mirror that's the opposite of what you're talking about it makes you look slimmer right so she goes you know it's a mirror that makes you feel really good about yourself before you leave the house i i could not understand the fucking logic of that invention at all because you and i both know the number of times where you've stood in front of a mirror when you're about to

go out for an evening right and you think okay i look i look i look okay not good neither of us have ever thought we look good you just sort of think you look you look passable and then you head out and then at the end of the evening you're shown a series of photos where the penny drops as to what you actually looked like on your night out what i wouldn't want is a fucking mirror that makes the disparity between what's in my head and the reality even fucking bigger right that is the last thing you need you know you know honestly you know the worst thing of it this is what i i hate right is when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like like but you'll look front on right go oh yeah i look cool i look cool and then you go out

and you'll be walking down the street and you'll sort of look into a shop window and you'll see this fucking belly just and you're like, that's the killer. Just look at the side view. Yeah. You know, you were saying last time about on King Gary where you got the photos. I literally just had the fucking same experience, bro, where they were taking photos on the shoot

and then they posted the photos up to the WhatsApp group. And I don't think there is a single photo where I don't look like a fucking troll. Like, literally. Even my posture from the side is absolutely disgusting. I hate the way I... And do you know the other thing? I've been reading about how you're not supposed to talk about yourself like this. And how you're not supposed to view yourself like this.

I cannot help it. I look like... I hate the way I stand. I hate the way my fucking hands... Because sometimes I've got my hand on my hip. I hate the way my fucking legs... Yeah. I hate the way my legs go.

I just fucking hate... Legs are my worst. I hate the angle of my neck coming off the top of my body. Just everything about it is fucking awful. I came home and I was just angry with Lisa for not having having left me you know the lowest point of my week this week right god i'm doing this new show with uh jamie and harry redknapp right yeah yeah this is not a plug thing all right no no no no but uh so we basically we haven't got changing rooms where we got they basically get us an apartment that we share the three of us so shoot days we we share

an apartment so we're all we're all basically all getting ready we share the three of us so shoot days we we share an apartment so we're all we're all basically all getting ready together right the three of us and uh look in your head you go whatever jamie wears jamie's gonna look fucking dapper jamie turned up to the shoot looking like a hoodie and a pair of shorts and look better than i ever have in my life yeah so um i'm sort of waiting around because there's only two bedrooms so fucking dickhead egg fucking obviously has to wait for those two to get ready the red naps yeah sure because everyone knows their place in this shoot anyway jamie comes out and he's got his velvet jacket on t-shirt jeans effortlessly cool looks fucking looks of don right it looks great everyone's like oh jamie you look really

really good right the kicker of all kickers was when harry who's 75, came out. And I looked Harry up and down and thought, you look so fucking stylish. He's head to toe in fucking lovely clothes. Everything fitted really well. And everyone was, oh my God, Harry, like that. And I came out. And I wore a black jumper because I was so fucking worried about the fact I'd look like a fucking potato

sat next to the two of them. And I came out, and literally it was none of that. It was just like, one guy just raised his eyes and smiled in a sympathetic way, like I'd fucking shat myself at school. It was just like, honestly.

And then I just looked at Harry and thought, you're more stylish. When I'm 75, I know I'm going to be walking around with trousers that don't fit and a fucking shirt that someone's given me it's not fucking honestly

that was soul destroying yeah it's I mean look let's be honest getting dressed in the same room or the same building

as Jamie Redknapp is never going to be great for the self esteem let's be it's never good when you sort of think you with a shirt on

and no trousers on which I would argue is sort of the most humili a shirt on and no trousers on, which I would argue is sort of the most humiliating of states of dress to find yourself in. Jamie would still look better than in that than I would in the suit I wore on my wedding day. And you know, he's so sweet about it. He's so lovely. I know. He said to me, he's like, no, you look good. Tom, you can be sweet about it when you're on that side of it.

Of course he's fucking sweet about it. I don't feel bad about the fact that I look like a fucking Greek god stood next to you. Yeah, of course he feels great. I fucking would as well. If I look like fucking hot buttered toast in whatever fucking outfit I put on. Rather than a fucking donut. That might have been tr put on. Rather than the fucking donut that might have been trodden on. You know what me and you look like?

You know like when you go to services and they've got a Dunkin' Donuts cabinet and there's just two fucking shitty old donuts left. That's us. Just talking to each other. Like one kid walking past just going,

I really want that donut. I really fancy a donut. And then the mum would look at him and go, you don't want those donuts. We'll go 30 miles out of our way to another Krispy Kreme. We may be struggling here for things to eat, to feed you with, but we are never going to fall that low

as to have one of those hideous donuts. Just imagine what that would say about yourself if you sullied yourself with one of those donuts. Lisa, come on, let's go. Lisa. Oh, precious. Yes. right should we need some emails let's do it boy let's do it all right first of all what i need to say to you is uh you have made a lot of people quite angry i'm just gonna say that wow yeah

and i'm gonna tell you what it is that's made people angry it's your absolute clusterfuck of a water polo experiment that that that is really has wound quite a lot of people up because yeah what's wound people up is the disparity between what you said you were going to do and what you actually did now what you what you said you were going to do just to recap is that you were going to do an undercover operation. You were going to wear your phone. Just quick, I'm not a professional undercoverer. Well, I never said you were, but I would say that even if you're not a professional undercoverer,

you still know not to say to the person, well, I'm recording you now. I don't think you need a qualification to know that sort of undermines the undercover nature of it. So you said you were going to do this undercover sort of undermines the undercover nature of it, right? So you said you were going to do this undercover. So first thing you do is you go, Jamie, right, Jamie, okay, right, we're recording now, aren't we?

So I've not prepped you for this, have I? And then our conversation in the podcast was, if I said I was going to go water, you'd know what I was talking about. And what you actually asked Jamie was, Jamie, if I told you I was going to go into the water what activity would you think i'd be doing yeah and he said swimming and then you claim that and you aggressively claim that as a victory that's what's wound people up right now you said that you got overexcited is that is that what you're sticking with now that you got overexcited so i was like at the time look fucking tensions were high. Yeah, I was wearing a wire.

I fucking, like, got all fucking, you know, excited about the whole thing. Listen, let me tell you something. There's no point wearing a wire if you're going to announce to the person. I don't know why you're still wearing a wire. Why are you wearing a wire if you're telling them you're recording? Well, I just had it mic'd, you know, because I had my mic, so I was hot mic'd. Right, okay. So I was excited about it.

That's the thing. Yeah, okay. And then, obviously, then the first thing, because I was so excited, I told him I was hot mic'd right okay i was excited about it that's the thing yeah okay and then obviously then the first thing i because i was so excited i told him i was hot mic'd there's obviously things sort of there i knew that things were snowballing out of my control right i sort of just thought and also you know what jamie's like you've only got jamie's attention for a matter of like seconds yeah yeah you gotta you gotta keep you gotta it's like he's like jamie's attention is like a lit match you've got to sort of do whatever you're going to do with it in the short time that you've got.

I was like quick and to the quip. And I was like, right. Okay. Twice. You've said to the quip. Who's told you about to the quip? I heard it mentioned the other day.

And I'm quite like, in what context did you hear to the quip mentioned? I can't remember. I was earwig in a conversation. Okay. What was the conversation? I just remembered the, I don't remember the internet, but someone said that i'm cutting to the quip a couple of things first

of all they didn't say cut to the quip they said cut to the quick right okay okay and secondly before with this i don't know i don't know but but what i would say is that the two occasions that you've used cut to the quip in this conversation have been incorrect. Okay. So what I would do is just sort of maybe, was this at the Redknapp show that you heard this conversation? No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, it's somewhere else. I would go and maybe, there's a garden set. Well, I'd maybe head back to the garden set

and maybe wear a wire or something, try and do a little bit more research. Look, I wanted to try and get back, you know, because I sort of always thought, number one, it was probably sort of more within your realms to wear a wire than me get back you know because i sort of always thought number one it was probably sort of more within your realms to wear a wire than me do you know what i mean in a way well i just think figure if the two of us were in the mafia you'd probably be the more likely one to fucking flip you know what i mean um like i wondered how you're going to turn into an insult because i'm actually i actually sort of admire it i have no doubt that

you could wear a wire very well yeah i could you'd be insane at wearing a wire i felt guilty straight away so i think you weren't doing anything horrible and also jamie listens to the world for now yeah so oh no i know that it's just it felt good so you're not doing anything underhand as a made man it felt against all of my ethos oh here we go right what I'm saying Joe is like any other

situation I want another run at this so I'll try and do it with someone else just to see if we can get it working like Harry

or something well actually a few people have done it really okay okay wow this is interesting a few people have done it

yeah we had I think maybe three or four emails from people that tried it themselves, and not one of them got the correct interpretation of what they were doing, what they were saying. Wow. It might have been the way they said it, though.

What do you mean? What they might have not said. You say to me, okay, let's hear you say, I'm going to go water in a way that definitely means that the other person knows you're going to be playing water. Oh, mate. No, it's not water polo it's swimming what

yes it was swimming no was it yeah it was it wasn't for water polo it was for swimming yeah okay go on go on go on so I would say

the best way of doing it is like you know walk up you've got a towel over your shoulder go oh I'm going water okay and what have you also got goggles on

and flippers I mean how much more fucking visual clues do you want to give them okay even without that if you're just standing you've only got a pair of shorts on you know i'm going water tom tom obviously if you're wearing the thing okay if i if i was going horse riding if i turned up wearing jodhpurs a fucking helmet and had a riding crop i don't even have to say what i'm doing i'm off now are you going horse riding yeah how did you know okay well even if i said i'm going water like go are you going horse riding right yeah yeah but

what you're saying to me is basically i've got to be an environment say look if i go to the calf right outdoors i've got a tracksuit on and i go i'm going water yeah then then we're then we're in the parallels because at the moment as well yeah well... You don't have to be in a cast. What I'm saying is... Right? You don't... But I could be anywhere. You could be anywhere except for next to a swimming pool

with fucking trunks on. All right? Okay. Right, I'm on it. Okay. Right, time for some emails. Now, we are back to the falcon has been doing some of her very best email selection wow um falcon falcon uh so this

is from she hasn't said whether it's needs to be anonymous or not but okay uh dear robin tom and the boss lady after spending my life crippled with anxiety and depression, with pretty low standards and even lower self-esteem, caused in part by a variety of toxic and abusive men, I've now been single for two years, found myself, and I'm a happy, confident, independent, fucking fabulous woman. But these raised standards mean I'm finding it difficult finding myself a bloke. While I'm perfectly happy single, having someone to warm my cold feet on get the snacks from the kitchen put the bins out would be nice i've only recently

discovered the wolf in our podcast and i finally caught up after keeping my fingers crossed another thing i wanted to ask you wasn't already asked i'm not being a kiss ass when i say that you two combined is my ideal man tall fucking hilarious bearded sarcastic intelligent show tunes in the kitchen singing interesting hot and genuinely nice i loved you both before but since listening to you and how you care about each other and your families well it warms me cockles so my question is this feels i mean the falcon really has picked an email here well we just get freaking bigged up to them i was about to say i was about to say to the max again but you need you've now fucking you've put it in me now oh that's what she said

you are now that's becoming a thing i'm going to say it again if i say it again if i say it again during this podcast i'm just going to click stop it's over no no no no i think what we should do is accrue dead arms okay at the moment you've got three dead arms coming to you okay and they're proper dead arms mate by the way yeah and we'll do a dead arm for you every time you use a word incorrectly in context that's not fair what do you mean what's that disability for me but for you it's like like somehow like sometimes having a ponderous like how about this no how about this every time you disc you disguise a fucking horrible insult as a compliment you get a dead arm okay how about that we won't have much of a podcast you're literally taking the two things that make me me

all you've got to give up is a lame saying that you've got a t-shirt of all right well let's figure out something i can't think of it now uh my question is got any single mates and if not how do i find a genuine bloke things have changed a hell of a lot since i was asked properly single and online dating is a soul-crushing nightmare i've loads planned this year with amazing friends and i'm semi-confident that when the time is right it'll happen but just in case any ideas failing any dating help just a shout out from you guys would make my year love you guys claire um what do you think tom but number one claire shout out to your sister you're a legend of a person uh and i admire the fact that you've uh by all accounts and from what you're saying you you've you have built this confidence in this, you know,

through sort of quite turbulent times. So what I'll say to you, Claire, is number one is this is, you're not talking about online dating, just online dating. You're trying to online dating during a pandemic, which is pretty difficult. I would say I've got quite a few sort of like mates of mine and my wife's who are like women

who've been through pretty much exactly what you're going through now and I know it's just a sort of weird thing but I think the person is out there

do you know what I think one of the main thing is and just sort of thinking of one of our friends in particular that she went out and she was sort of doing

and it's hard now because obviously the pandemic but she was doing more hobbies and she was being more active and doing stuff which on one side you're doing stuff for yourself which is good and you're learning new skills and you're getting out and you're doing things but on the other the other side of things you're able to meet people and actually because i i think you know when we talk about the worst things that sort of like social media and online date i think you know i'm not a hater of online dating but i do think it's it's sort of made people a little bit lazy and a little bit overly

don't fussy's the word but i think people are so quick to write someone off if i look now at sort of like jesus christ if i'd be i'm in my wife if my wife had written me off that quickly you know but we had an amazing relationship at the start where we spent a lot of time together we got to know each other we did things together so that sort of increases that bond i think now the amount of times i speak to friends of mine male and female and they're like oh i went for a date i knew straight away i didn't like this person so i just didn't put any effort in because there's a what you've got is an overbearing like almost a well of people you're constantly looking on your phone and going there's so many people here i can go out with but you don't really ever give anyone a chance i think to get to like to know them properly and i think um you know and what you said about both me and ramesh

is very very kind and i think you probably agree to say that neither of us like i think when i look at my wife's that probably wouldn't agree with a lot of the stuff you said because you know you know we're human beings are complex and i think when you sort of get to you know the number of them you can that's that i think that's when a relationship and that's when you know i'm only the way i am i think because of my wife and the way that you know i have a great relationship with her it's made me more confident yeah it's just finding i guess those people you can but find them in the real world somehow and that is difficult like i said the pandemic and people's obsession with social,

like social, like dating online. But I think the future of dating for me anyway, is meeting people in the real life and matching. Tom, it's sort of, I was almost thrown by your sort of finish there, but actually some,

that is some of the most insightful advice I've ever heard you give. And I just congratulate you on that well do you know what i actually i owe claire that because claire is one of my favorite people who's ever written into this show no she is do you know what okay okay no i just straight away felt this she's one of your favorite people that's ever written into this show yeah and i've been watching by the way a lot of catfish and these sort of shows and people like claire who are amazing human beings who put themselves out there and have a confidence it really annoys me and it's a gripe i have when uh when people treat them bad so yo claire you got a wolf an hour in your corner yo well you've

definitely got a wolf in your corner uh claire in all in all seriousness uh tom's advice was brilliant actually um i do think and this might be naive because i haven't been uh i haven't been on the market for 12 years now but what i would say is i genuinely believe that you're most you're at your most uh attractive or you're most sort of likely to fall into a relationship when you're not looking for one. And I think, you know, you're more likely to be yourself, you're more likely to show the sort of qualities that a potential partner would appreciate in you when you're not looking, basically. And, you know, most of the people that I know who are in relationships, they're either not looking or they were sort of thinking about giving up on looking, you know, or I tom's right you know getting out and and and getting involved in hobbies and doing bits and pieces those sort of things will come i do

genuinely believe that and i actually also agree with tom's i really i do think it's an excellent observation that tom's made about people not giving enough of a chance you know because you do think there's this infinite pool of people that you can just go to i sometimes wonder if lisa and i hadn't worked together what the chances were of her and i ended up together because i would say they were zero because i think if i met lisa at a bar she wouldn't even uh let me buy her a drink i genuinely i believe that. So I think, look, live your life. It's amazing that you've been able to find yourself and you sort of feel happy within yourself. Live your life.

And I genuinely believe that those things will come. I do believe that. So good luck. Claire, what we're kind of saying is just do you. And, you know, just live your life to the max. You know? Okay. I was nodding along there

just because I thought it was sad. And then I just clocked what you actually said. Okay, next email. I like the way that I've got do you and you've got live life to the max. No, no, I haven't got live life to the max, okay? I haven't got live life to the max. Do you live life to the max. No, no, I haven't got live life to the max, okay? I haven't got live life to the max. Do you live life to the max?

This is from Josh Richardson. Yo, Josh! Josh! two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast only six dollars at anw's in ontario experience anw's classic breakfast on now dine-in only until 11 a.m we all have the power to shape the world we're connected to the world we share to each other i am future i wait in the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo,

the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the big top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at CirqueDuSoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners air canada and mastercard i'm just trying to get a new energy i've really missed you i've really missed you i've missed you hi tom and rom love the pod massively my question is what do you guys find

is a staple for your full english i'd say bacon eggs and sausages are the essentials and everything else can be replaced by something else that isn't necessarily essential. My housemate will happily argue that hash browns are the most essential in the full English. We'd love to know where you guys stand. Of course, Rom, your opinion slightly alters due to veganism. Cheers, guys. Stay sweet, Josh. Okay, now Tom is much more qualified to answer this question than I am.

So, Tom, can you tell me what you what you're thinking about a full english please bro what staple what are the three staples are you saying what is a staple like what constitutes a full english i think a full english has to be a full gut smasher mate i'm saying that now i'm saying it and i'm on the items what the items sausage i would say sausage i'd say you what, I'd go for the flat sausage all day long. What? I'd love a flat sausage.

I did not expect that from you, mate. I'd love a flat sausage. You're going flat sausage? Flat sausage all day long. Okay. Right. I mean, that's American,

isn't it? Flat sausage. Yeah, Scottish. The Scottish do it as well. Okay. I would say, yeah, bacon. But bacon's a real, I don't know,

I've really bought it, I've got, you know, this is a's a real... I've really bought it. This is a massive revelation, and I'm sure this will cause eruptions throughout the country. I'm really going off bacon. Wow. Yeah. Wow. I didn't have it at all.

I've not had bacon for about three months. I've just sort of... Why? Just because it's so fucking unhealthy. And also, I'm greedy. But it tastes incredible. It tastes amazing. So if I buy a pack of six bacon, right, unhealthy and also i'm greedy but it tastes incredible it tastes amazing so if i have but

so if i if i buy a pack of six bacon right yeah yeah my wife will maybe have one bit if she's like vegetarian she's really she likes the smell of it so she might have a piece i'll have the other five bits okay just can i just stop you there she's not vegetarian well she's not vegetarian she's not as like as stringent as you i mean you't, it's not stringent to be a vegetarian that doesn't eat meat. There was no, there's no, I can't,

I think it was like three seconds between you saying she's a vegetarian and then she might have a piece of bacon. She's not like, no,

but she's not like I'd sort of like, sort of massive servant to the whole cause, but she doesn't like a lot of meat. Okay, fine. So bacon.

This is me not having a go at Kat, by the way. I love Kat, you know that. I know, I know. She's one of my favourite people in the whole. I she doesn't like a lot of meat okay so you're not having to go a cat by the way i love cat you know that i know he's one of my favorite people in the whole right so bacon is off now for me but i will go sausage double sausage uh patties black pudding yeah uh two maybe three fried eggs duck eggs uh shout out david i love a ducking um baked beans are a must for me an absolute an actual must and also

this is another thing I put up a picture of a roast roast dinner something I put up pictures of every kind of meal a big old fry at once

and I've got a lot of hassle about having not having the beans in a pot on their own I think the beans oh fuck that I think beans need to be drizzled

I think that juice needs to be on everything they need to contaminate everything they need to be all over the fucking I think that juice needs to be on everything. They need to contaminate everything. Bean juice has to just smother everything, right? Yeah, I agree. Probably a couple of bits of fried toast or just normal toast. But the big one for me, and this is the thing I adore on a fry-up. If I'm ever at your house and you're cooking a fry-up for me,

I want you to do this. I want you to put bubble on that plate. You want me to put what on that plate? Bubble. Bubble? Bubble. Bubble? Yeah.

What do you mean bubble? Bubble and squeak. Bubble. Bubble and squeak? You want bubble and squeak as part of your fucking full English? Yeah. When you come to my house?

Go fuck yourself. I'm just saying. You text me every day saying that. It's like the fucking most high-end fucking item in terms of effort. No.

Also, for a vegetarian, I'd be absolutely disgusted if I come to your house and there's not bubble and squeak on there. You'd be disgusted. No, I'd turn around to Lisa and say,

can I have a word, please, Lisa? Romesh is all shouting his mouth off about being a vegetarian. Both me and Catherine were sort of thinking there'd be bubble and squeak on this. On the fry-up. If you come to my house, you ain't getting bubble and squeak on your fucking fry-up. I'll bring my own and you can just fry it up. Oh, my God.

You would as well, wouldn't you? Turn up with a little fucking Tupperware box. Mate, don't you love bubble and squeak? with a little fucking Tupperware box. Don't you love Bubblers Creek? If I had a... Can I ask you a question? Because I'm thinking about doing this genuinely, which sort of goes against my thing about trying to lose weight

or not thinking about food too much. Have I talked to you about this before, about having a key ring full of hot sauce? Oh, hold on. Let me just get... Now, she's not going to be happy about this, but Lisa has just walked into the room. Yeah.

Lisa, now we were going to wait to get your verification. Now, Tom, she can't hear you at the moment. I'll just say you know, because I've got headphones on. What do you think, Tom? Lisa, can you just tell us? You weren't happy, were you, about the shrew? No. No.

Just say what I've said, please. So Tom said he thought it was really out of order that I called you a shrew. And if he was choosing an animal for you, he would have chosen a swan. Now, I think... That's better. Oh, fucking...

All right, get... Just fucking get over yourself a little bit. I thought that was a bit... I thought that was a bit excessive. So we've gone with the falcon, okay? What do you think of that? Okay, she's deeply unhappy about that. I think the swan.

She seems so happy about the swan. What's wrong with the falcon? It's manly, I think. You think the falcon's manly? Yeah, I think swan is graceful. Fucking hell. Exactly what I said. She's actually insisting on the swan.

Yeah, but she should. Okay, fine. You're the swan. She's the highest end bit of this show. She should be rewarded as such. What about gazelle or something? Yeah, gazelle should. Okay, fine. You're the swan. She's the highest end bit of this show. She should be rewarded as such. What about gazelle or something? Yeah, gazelle's alright. Tom's not happy with that.

You're the swan. Maybe I'll come up with my own one and tell you. Okay, have a think about your own one and then come back to me. The swan. The fucking arrogance on this fucking woman to accept the swan as a potential animal. Jesus. The thing about our names is they're so bang on, aren't they?

Are they? Because I don't think wolf is bang on. Really? Yeah. How is wolf bang on for you? Because wolves are fucking just, you know, they've got their pride, man. You're doing a lot of good.

Can I tell you something? Wolves haven't got a pride, man. You're doing a lot of good. Can I tell you something? Wolves haven't got a pride, okay? You're thinking of lions. The other thing I'll say, every time you think you're being cool or sort of edgy, you keep putting both hands up. What are you doing? No, it's just that's my cool little look.

Yeah, what's going on? Yeah. Okay, fine, fine. Well, look, I'll tell you what my what are we talking about full english right yeah my this is my full english now bearing in mind that all of the just assume that i'm i'm selecting vegan items uh but i would go sausage vegan sausage shout out some of the best sausages i've ever had yeah uh sausage now vegan bacon isn't very good but i think bacon's a staple although Although, I told you I found this isn't bacon,

which is very good. So sausage, bacon, obviously no eggs for me, baked beans, hash browns, maybe a little bit of fried toast. And you know what I love? Go. Mushroom.

I like a little... What's that hand for? I think mushrooms are nice. I'm just thinking it's crying out for bubble. Well, let me tell you something. When you come to my house, which we've arranged arranged and we're going to do a podcast from the yeah i believe we're planning on doing a podcast from the soiree yeah uh just after we've thrown all the car keys in the bowl i imagine it's going to be a hot night of sex for me with Tom and Catherine and Lisa.

You're going to have to prepare yourself for some mushrooms at breakfast. I don't want mushrooms, but I'm just saying that you, as a vegan, I think you're just killing yourself not having bubble in the mix. All right, fine. Guys, get in touch. Maybe send pictures of your favourite bit of bubble that you've ever made. Please do not send pictures in because it's utterly pointless for a podcast. Okay, next up. Hi, Wolf, and I love the pod and all your previous work.

I wondered if I could get your opinion on a particularly awakened exchange I had. I assume that's awkward. I had with a delivery driver from one of my local curry houses I had at the weekend. After a full day of playing golf, is this from you? After a full day of playing golf and then the added treat of being able to enjoy a few pints after, the obvious choice was to finish the day with a well-earned

curry. While waiting for the order to arrive, I set myself up on the sofa, wrapped in a duvet, watching the football. Fucking hell. Literally my life. Slightly half-cut cut wearing a pair of tracksuit bottoms and topless it's absolutely easy i live on my own so i do like to kick back and relax when i'm at home also to add some context the front door to my flat opens into the living room and the door does not immediately lock itself when it's closed 30 minutes after

ordering through just eat uh i i heard my front door opening behind me a little bewildered i looked back to see the delivery driver face mask on staring back at me holding my order as i'm slightly intoxicated at this point i just give him the old-fashioned all right mate without realizing what just occurred he then presuming he'd overstepped some social boundaries to see him in a half-naked state decided to then close the door wherever he still had my order in his hand waiting for me to then reopen the door as if nothing had happened i then get order in his hand, waiting for me to then reopen the door as if nothing had happened. I then get up, stick a t-shirt on,

walk over to reopen the door. This apparently took far too long for the driver, who then proceeds to open my front door again. He puts the order at my feet and leaves pretty sharpish. I'm not one for complaining, especially online, but I do feel like I should have said something either to the driver or the restaurant. I do think it's a genuine mistake.

I'd hate for the guy to get in trouble. I own a couple of shops and understand people do make silly mistakes all the time myself included told my mates obviously found the whole thing hilarious sending me various jokes about him catching me in the act however there's a general agreement they thought the whole thing was a bit weird and i should complain i'd love to get your thoughts on this thanks for all the great content alex uh what do you think hey alex how you doing, man? Wow. That is literally my Saturdays. That's what I do. Get some golf balls, have a couple of cold ones, and chow down a carry, bro.

Listen, this is a complex problem because the driver, I don't think, is actually too much at fault. He's probably going to knock at the door. The door's opened. He thinks he's been enticed in, maybe. He's entered the room thinking that maybe, you know, you couldn't open the door yourself, or that's why you've left it open.

He's seen, you know, you there, topless. And there's an awkwardness, a wave of awkwardness. There's a wash in both of you. So he has then backed out. And I think he knew he was a little bit guilty, and I think he knew he was a little bit guilty and i think he he felt quite quite awkward i think delivery drivers i think they're some of the most incredible human beings i've ever met oh fucking hell i think that they are the uh bolster that sometimes holds this country together

especially through turban times but in your head in your mind's eye what does a bolster look like just out of interest you know one of those things that you put, the bolster that sits there on the Earth's crust and just holds the Earth together. What? A bolster that sits on the Earth's crust? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about?

It's like the spongy bit, so we don't all hurt our feet. The spongy bit? Yeah. What spongy bit? We don't know it's there, but if we were without it, we'd be lost. And that's what delivery drivers are. No, no, no.

What is bolster? Bolster is like... So when you're laying a patio, you'll stick down some bolster. You know that? You'll stick down some bolster? Bolster, yeah. Bolster?

Mate, you've made me Google this myself. I'm going to Google it. Yeah, bolster chisel. A bolster mate you've made me google this myself I'm gonna google it yeah bolster chisel a bolster chisel I've got bolster a long thick pillow that is placed under other pillows

yeah exactly yeah but that's exactly the kind of thing yeah exactly you said it sits under the fucking earth's crust yeah but it's a bolster

so that it sits there and it's the thing that basically we all pay no heed but it's there it's there as pillows it's there under patios it's there under the earth's the thing that basically we all pay no heed, but it's there. It's there as pillows. It's there under patios.

It's there under the earth's crust. Okay, fine, fine. Okay? What I mean is... So delivery drivers are the bolster of society. Okay. Yeah. And do you know what? For the most part, you just open the door,

you bang them a sort of like handful of wet fucking notes, and say, yeah, thanks for your fucking... You know, sometimes people don't even say thanks, and then you sit down and eat a delicious meal or a variant meal. And if they've done their job properly and they've quietly got about their business like Batman or someone else, you seldom even recognize them. But when they make a mistake, my God, we rain down the blows on them. And I've been culpable of this.

Maybe a delivery's late. He couldn't find my address, which is quite a hard address to find. So I've called up and I've sort of like kicked off. Or maybe he's dropped one of the containers of food. which is quite hard to justify. And so I've called up and I've sort of like kicked off or, you know, maybe, you know, he's dropped one of the containers of food when they make mistakes. My God, it rains.

But when they bring the sun, we never thank for their cherished rays. Who's bringing the sun. Who's in control of the weather here? Because the delivery, the delivery jobs, but you're saying if they get it wrong, then we make it rain on them.

Yeah. Okay. So what's going on? What I'm saying is they are out there in the weather, but we never say. Basically, there's not enough love given. You're literally talking about the weather now. No. It's not an analogy anymore.

What my point is this, right, is when they get it right, we just go, all right, cheers, here we go. We might even bang them a couple of quid because we're good people. But we never fist bump them and say, you know what thank you so much because without you i wouldn't be eating this sweet sweet meal yeah yeah because that would make them fucking deeply uncomfortable all they want to do is get your food to you get the tip and leave what they don't want is have a chat with somebody who's clearly fucking got some issues telling them about how much they fucking bolster their fucking life or whatever you don't do that what i would say is though having said this i've been sort of

deliberately kind of facetious with you i do agree with you alex i've got to say i would go further than tom i think for you to complain about this driver's behavior would be so unfair because i think you've got your part to play in this and when i say part to play i i sorry to be blunt i think this is your fault okay because lock your front door bro your front door pushes open a delivery driver turns up with food for you he pushes against that door that door opens he probably assumed that you're somebody that's got mobility issues and needs the food to be brought directly to you wherever you are and then he turns imagine the poor fucking experience room he's slightly nervous he deals with different situations every single

time he's pushed the door open he's gone okay fucking hell this is a bit weird i don't really like going into people's houses because there's a clear covid risk but despite that i'm going to go in and get the food to this guy then he walks in and sees you looking like what he would assume is directly post wank right waiting for your food okay he then sort of is embarrassed and then leaves and shuts the door you then take so long to get yourself ready that he thinks i'll fucking know maybe he did actually want me to just give him the food and so he opens the door to find you approaching he panics and puts the food down and leaves he's had a very traumatic experience there and that's a traumatic experience if you're

the only delivery he's doing that evening he's probably going into further deliveries after that feeling a little bit worried about what's going on if he on top top of that was then get a complaint about his behavior during that interaction, I've got to say it would be, it would be hugely unfair in my opinion. I really do believe that. I think it's unfortunate. I think you're embarrassed and I'd be embarrassed too.

Let's just chalk this whole thing up as a story. You're going to tell your mates and the delivery driver can tell his mates as well. How about that? Mate, I think that's probably the most sensible thing you've ever said. Okay. You've managed to sort of insult me. I'm going to take this a step further, and I think I speak for both of us when I say this.

We love takeaways on this show. We adore them. Me and Romesh are two of probably the most trailblazing orderers of takeaways that have ever walked this sweet, sweet planet. But, you know, we're culpable as much as the next guy of not getting to know the delivery driver's name or not giving him the time on that. Oh, gosh.

So I want you next time you want a takeaway, and I'm going to do this. I'm going to record it. I'm going to use this as my undercut. Next time that bell rings and you open the door. You'll answer the door and you'll go just see now i'm doing undercover recording of you no i'm gonna try and be better this time i want to go i want you to go thank you for this what's your name and they'll say whatever their name is les or philip or james or whatever i don't know what delivery drivers

you're getting but i've never had a fucking james in my life right and i want you to find out their name it says it on the app bro exactly on the app or look at the app yeah we don't look at the app that's the fucking thing right so i want you to look at the app and i want you to look them dead in the eye i want you to say thank you blah blah blah whatever their name is thank you for this order for if it wasn't for you i won't be in this marvelous feast okay feast. Record it, send it in, and we'll play the best ones back. Okay.

Genuinely, I actually think Tom might have pulled a half-decent idea out of his arse here. I think it would be quite nice, and I'm going to do the same thing because we get a takeaway every week. What would be nice is if the next time you get a delivery, you don't have to say the script that Tom gave because I think in all probability the authorities would be called i think it's a nice script if you want to use one

thank you you can use you can use a name for this fabulous feast i owe you one or just say something along the lines of can i just say i really appreciate you bringing this food to me there's something nice record it see let me and let's hear the response see if it you know maybe spreads a little bit of light into the lives of some video it and put it on at wolf our podcast absolutely do not video there's absolutely no point there's no point there is no point in you please do not video it because it's of no use to us whatsoever but you know what i feel really good about this now i just hope this is going to be like an army of delivery drivers just out and about this week, just feeling really good about themselves.

And that makes me feel good about myself. Or we'll be the subject of some sort of legal action because a number of delivery drivers will be deeply unhappy because on top of their pay conditions, which are absolutely dog shit, they're now being secretly recorded as they do their job. But let's just see how it pans out. They're now being secretly recorded as they do their job.

But let's just see how it pans out. Tom, could you please take us out? For what is in a name? For once you are called. We have no choice upon the name that we bring into this world and how once we're known. Yes, we can forge a we can we can forge a character and we can forge a look and we can forge a catchphrase do you take it to the max that make people know but it's your name that people will call they the most important thing is to find

a nickname or a gentle pseudonym that people give you. That can be anything. Sometimes people will say something that's quite scandalous and you go, hey, I've already got a shit name. I don't need another one. Sometimes you use your middle name as your first name. Jonathan becomes Romesh. Romesh becomes the owl. And life goes on. But every now and again, you get someone who is very special. now and again you get someone who is very special someone who goes above and beyond for a family or a podcast and they do merit in a name that gives them the significance and the aura in which they deserve so sometimes in the most funny of ways a shrew falls to the ground and a swan flies into the air

and that well that's the circle of life ah it's very very good it's very very good guys listen once again we are sorry for the lack of episodes last week we'll never do it again hopefully and we will see you

very very soon most likely on the bonus episode that we're about to record now take care love is cute okay thank you if you have a problem opinion

feedback or anything at all please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com that's wolfalpod at gmail.com

we'd love to hear from you mainly because we don't have any content ideas thank you