Wolf and Owl - Episode 26

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

We’re talking… big openers, football nerds, getting into gardening, pony tails, hair plugs, summer clothing and flattering mirrors. Plus, we answer some email questions on wedding date clashes and family football teams - and Romesh gets a well-needed pep talk.  For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Conditions apply. we are all connected discover echo from cirque du soleil opens may 8th under the big top at dorado lakeshore boulevard west tickets at cirque du soleil.com echo thanks it's presenting partners sun life on live. Time! Time for the Wolf and Owl podcast. Oh, wow, you went in so big there. You went in so big, so cheeky. That's like trying a Rabona and like your first touch of a world cup final and fucking tripping over your shoelaces.

No. Uh, I think part of the problem is that Tom and I haven't spoken. You haven't, I haven't spoken to each other. I keep doing this, addressing the listener, like I'm a fucking radio one.

So you and I, uh, haven't spoken for a bit. And so we've basically done half an hour of podcasting before we clicked on record. Yeah. We've done a big long chat, completely,

completely unbroadcastable, potentially cancelable chat before we clicked on record. Lovely chat though, boy. So then what I had was I had to switch into, I say performance mode. It's not very performative, the podcast. What I like is you always start every podcast in a performance type mode. What I do is go in big early doors regret it and then i'm shit for the rest of the podcast and then i ask you to review me at the end that seems to be the pattern that we're falling into you know where i i think of you like if you

were the hulk where your body change would be you would go from jack d to tim westwood i i start i reckon the way i the metaphor i'd use for starting this podcast is i'm at the point of ejaculation so that that's where i am as we as we announce the beginning of the podcast and then i'm just sort of posting up for the whole hour after you look nice though boy thanks bro thank you this is like one of those this one of the old nike did load of these like, sort of, you know, these Arsenal cliches.

Yeah. So I've got another one that says like, 1-0 to the Arsenal or whatever. But I like the Nike. It's so nice. I do like the Nike gear, but I prefer the Adidas gear. Adidas.

Nike, honestly, I don't know whether I'd swap the success of West Ham this season for some of the merch that you guys get at Arsenal. The merch is...

If there was a Premier League for merch, you'd have won it by 50 points. Shall I tell you what the problem with it is, though? It's that Arsenal have done so badly this season and for the last couple of seasons that when you can't... Even as nice as I think some of it is, you can't really wear it without getting it

like somebody going, fucking hell, mate. You must like the team to wear that at the moment. Are your kids Arsenal fans? They are, yeah, they are. Our oldest son, Theo, he's been watching loads of... I don't know if you're aware of this, Tom,

but football is being consumed in a different way by our younger generations now, where they're watching the games, they're sort of analys analyzing players via fifa they're watching a lot of youtubers talk about football um and so my my son like theo will say stuff to me like the other day we went to the shops and we're coming back and he's talking to me like i don't know how to explain it like he'll say he'll say something like frank lampampard is one of the historic icons. And I go, where the fuck did you hear that from? Like, what are you talking about?

And he goes, he's a historic icon. That's what I was watching. They were talking about historic icons from the game. I said, I don't want you saying things like historic icon. All right? Who are you talking about? In all fairness, speaking up, Theo, my guy Theo, is the fact that, mate, he is a historic icon.

I know he's a historic icon. But what I'm saying is, listen, I'm not criticizing Theo at all. Of course, why would I criticize that kid? The guy's a goddamn legend. He's managed to overcome the obvious genetic disadvantages his parent had just given him to become the kid he is. But what's funny is he's got these opinions and information about plays he's never seen play i don't think he's ever i don't think he's got much memory of watching much of

frank lampard you know what i mean but he's got this in-depth fucking working knowledge of like he'll talk to me about percentages and stuff like that. I used to be, when I was young, I used to be a real stato. Like, this is before the internet. I was like a football, what is known as a football nerd. Why was that? Did you feel like you were too attractive at school as you were? I was genuinely shit at football, right? Yeah, me too.

Wasn't very good at football. But I loved the game. So I used to just know so much about it so weirdly when you're talking about um like theo saying that i don't know if i'd have used historic icon but i'd have known all of like pele's stats but worse than i'd have i'd have known like i'd have known something like you know martin peter's club stats or whatever i'd have been able to turn around it's sort of like and i thought that that was a really cool thing to be it's a weird weird thing, isn't it, right?

Because whenever we're doing, you know, you're doing a bit of stand-up or whatever, or you're looking at nerdish behaviour, it'll always be like, oh, yeah, library, bookish, or, you know, chess club or whatever. I was the version of that, but about football. Like, you know, I remember going away in England, it's just so muggy, like like 1998 and and telling people like sort of um someone would be in a bar with me and they'd be talking about something and i'd go um yeah well you know in all fairs like gabriel batistuta's

scoring record both club and uh um internationally it's so much uh better than anshira's whatever i just know all this and i used to think that was really really cool but it was yeah so what you i mean what i'm taking from that is one you're a bit of a nerdy stato and also that when you're doing an impression of yourself in the most derogatory fashion possible it sounds remarkably similar to the impression you do of me i'll say almost identical yeah but that but you, because you've got that bookish nature about you. Like what I'm saying to people is we're both nerds. Yeah, we are nerds.

We are nerds. And like that is, that is what happens when people that are really good at football don't know that much about stats because they don't have to compensate for their involvement in the sport. They just, they, you give them a football

and they'll do something amazing with it. Whereas people like me and Tom, we have to read up to sort of basically earn your right to be considered a football fan, essentially. It's like how, I don't know if it happens now, and I'd love to know from any female football fans, but our generation of people, if a woman, and by the way, I'm not saying this is right, so don't at me.

I'm saying this is wrong. I'm criticising this. I this i'm condemning it actually i'll go as far as to say if a woman says they're a football fan they cannot say that without a man asking them to name five members of the squad of the team they support or going yeah so so all right then okay uh who won the league last three years league winners gone and do you know what I mean or something like that we Tom and I basically because of our lack of physical ability

that's how we were treated is what I'm saying also the other fact is you know let's be honest the South Asian community has not got a great heritage in the game

do you know what I mean why do you think that is though because like when I was growing up some of the most skillful players like

you're like oh this kid's definitely I remember like when i'm playing as a kid like we had like two or three kids where like who are incredible like so skillful and you go oh he's definitely gonna get signed up none of them did do you what what is it is that do you think i mean yeah we are getting quite and i don't know it's like when you hear about racism against football players you think i know it's not an asian player because there aren't fucking any going back to you know the thing about um you were saying about like women now and i think it's been great with punditry it's like anyone you speak to about alex scott is that she is the best read

like most incredible pundit that you'll meet on the basis of her research and how much she knows about every single point like literally turning up and going like i am going to be judged upon this so i need to know every little thing i don't i don't i don't know what is what you know what it's like being an alex scott trying to make your way in that world man i mean it must be fucking insane i mean it's i think she i think her, I think Karen Carney, I think they're both too, but I think, especially Alex, I think she's so knowledgeable

about the game. Yeah. I can only imagine how hard that is. And I'm talking like, as a guy who, you know, if I say I'm a football fan,

there's no one going, you're a football fan. I look like, you know, a fucking, I don't look like a player, I look like a fan. You look like you've thrown

some patio furniture about. You look like you stared down the barrel of a water cannon. I've had it thrown. I got caught up in 98. It was the most terrifying thing ever. It's a horrible story, this. What happened? So we go out to France 98 and uh we're in marseille

and it all kicks off it was kicking off everywhere how difficult was it for you to get it all started quite easy actually just through the right insults at the right people so um like we gone out for sort of like lunch and i had a bit of uh another burger but it was like really rare this burger it was the first time i had a really rare burger and um i was at the time i was like walking around in uh rebot classics and then the england white shorts and the england like white shirt so yeah proper sort of full kit wanker yeah and uh basically all this trouble erupted and you know that thing where people are throwing someone threw a chair at my back and i pretended it hadn't hit me fucking thing of like if i turn around it'll just like fucking the whole thing will just grow it will escalate so i'm just gonna pretend it didn't

hit it like and so someone this chair whacked me against the back and the person i'm with went did a plastic chair just hit you on the back and i was like yeah yeah don't worry about it so um really looking forward to see what michael is like as a player tears in my eyes yeah you're not sure if you're gonna be able to walk properly tomorrow half my point down the front of my white shirt right anyway this whole thing starts erupting around us and i sort of think i'm going to pull myself out of the situation a bit more and you know and sort of go down to my point and then these guys just all rush us and i saw the look in about four or five of their eyes which was like we're gonna tackle this big guy right and like so i got thrown to the ground um and someone sort of

like kicked me and i don't know you know and as this is happening like the pain of like yeah being kicked and whatever and sort of like you know muffled sort of whatever was one thing but the actual like i was like oh my god i'm gonna shit myself right and i remember the feeling of like literally like someone kicking me and then my stomach just literally erupting. Right. You're actually getting beaten up. Yeah. I'm getting like kicks and trampled on where people are just scuffling. I'm not like, you know, uh, and I farted and followed through basically. Right.

And I felt it. And then someone looked down at like, and there was nowhere to hide. As I was trying to get up, there was just shit on the back of my shorts and on the back of my shirt. Right. It was like jackass kind of vibes. And I got up and everyone's like, there was just shit on the back of my shorts and on the back of my shirt right it's like jackass kind of vibes and i got up and everyone's like there was still a muff it wasn't like the whole thing stopped and like a fucking hollywood movie and stared at me but i sort of tried and my mate was like oh my god like it was all like like literally the most disgusting thing

i've ever sort of been part of um and then i sort of like had to try and sprint away from the whole thing and sort of just like i had to try and make it back to my sort of b&b it's covered in poo do you think your body just sort of had you know like how you know when they say things like you don't really know what you're capable of until you find yourself in a situation like that do you think your body because i always think of you as quite an outside the box thinker do you reckon your body just went we could either we could either pump enough adrenaline into this guy's system that he starts to defend himself and is able to handle himself or we could just clear an area around him by making him shit himself immediately i mean in a way it's it's it's amazing. It's an amazing defense mechanism. but you know,

like your brain, like the first part of your brain when you're born, right, the first bit of it is your survival instincts. Yeah.

So it's fight, flight, or freeze, right? I've added shit yourself, feces to that one. It's like,

that's basically where I'm at. If you were a superhero, you'd be called the skunk. Yeah, I'd just shit everyone. Fucking what an indignifying thing. Don't piss him off. Superman, like.

Don't scare him. Hey, we've got this guy coming over from England. They call him the skunk. Hey, guys. Yeah. What's your superpower? Well, when I'm really up against it, I'll shit myself. And then what do you do?

No, that's it. That is it. Then I usually just scurry away into the shadows. I've never been to an England game. You never? Never. And the reason is because I've just never... I've had so much racism at England games.

Like in pubs. You've had it? Yeah, loads of times. I've either had it racism at England games, like in pubs. You've had it? Yeah, loads of times. I've either had it directed at me, right, or I've seen it directed at the TV or whatever. And I've had mates of mine, like I remember when England played Tunisia, I'm sort of laughing because it's so fucking racially misguided. When England played Tunisia, a group of Asian mates of mine

just basically got targeted as if they were fucking Tunisian do you know what i mean it's like it's like so you see so much of that and that i've got to be honest with you it's sort of affected my my support of england football team do you mean because you sort of think i really want to support england and i love you know and i want england to do well and i feel english and blah blah blah but at the same time i'm now supporting the same team. Do you know what I mean? As these people that are saying this sort of stuff or doing this sort of thing, I found it difficult. I've had a troubled

relationship with them. I can't even begin to... That's just horrible. You know what? The truth of the matter, I went away of England quite a lot and it's horrible. I've seen it in pubs. I remember when we lost to Portugal and England fans smashed up a Nando's.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And that's the worst side of it. But I do think the trouble is it's such a small minority of fans. When you're away, and I would say for the most part, you're going to meet loads of other football nerds

and people that you get on with and lovely people. The sad point of it is that there's're going to meet loads of other football nerds and people that you get on with and lovely people the sad point of it is that there's always going to be that element of you know

I hate to see it it's a horrible thing but mate you've absolutely hit the nail on the head there like totally because the truth is is I would have that experience

or I'd see that going on and it's this is my mistake now off the back of that I would go fucking hell I'm not supporting England or I don't want to go and watch England or I don't want to put on an England shirt

because of what I've seen. But you're absolutely right. Most England fans, the vast majority of England fans, are fucking sound. You wouldn't have any trouble with them. And actually, what you can't do is, what I'm doing is destructive there because you're sort of going,

you're taking these actions of this very small, dick-headed minority, and you're allowing that to tarnish your whole experience. I mean, it's exactly the opposite of what you should be doing, to be honest. And it's, you know, the other thing that, the best thing about going to those tournaments isn't even the England fan.

It's like hanging out with different people from different, and seeing how, like, I went to a few England games, but in 98 and other years, you go to watch other teams and see how they'll be and how they'll love watching the game, how they, you know, having drinks with, like, fans from, you'd never ever meet people. Oh, it's amazing, just sort of hanging out with different cultures, laughing at their accents, they smell a bit different,

all that kind of stuff. I get you. How they love the game. For me, that's where football is the most beautiful thing because it just brings everyone together and that's

but and I will say that it is that thing as well where you I think in the later few years you go you know

you are kind of you've got your weariness about you because of you know the Russian element or you know

it is a different that's the sad thing I think that's the saddest thing that football has is that sort of element of mob mentality. We have, I mean,

we're 20 minutes in here. It's been pretty, been pretty heavy shit, man. Do you know what I mean? Do you want to get into some, do you want to get into some politics? Nah, let's leave the politics.

Let's do that next time. You know what I think is quite nice is that, man, let's have the wolf and owl ride out, man. Yeah, you just don. Let's do that next time. You know what I think is quite nice is that, man, let's have the wolf and owl ride out, man. Yeah.

You just don't know what you're going to get. You don't know what topics we're going to cover. You don't know what order we're going to cover them in. There might be a massive gear change.

A lot of people are calling us the podcast, the podcast version of the one show. You want a gear change? Go on. Put your foot on the clutch. My garden looks sick, boy.

What? My garden looks sick. I've really enjoyed being a green fingers this this last weekend this is what you've done the whole weekend yeah man move me through what you did move some plants around yeah planting the cut the trees they look good um mowed the lawn uh cart should the patio uh which we've got some birds that have nestled up in a gutter and said he's everywhere yeah what's the score withled up in a gutter and said there's shit everywhere.

What's the score with birds living in your gutter and they just live there rent free and shit wherever they like? It's literally

the worst thing. It's very difficult to get into a situation where you are collecting rent from them. If it was magpies, they're always

picking up treasures and stuff. How do you think how do you think it works you've got magpies you can help yourself to a little brooch as part of the wrong game i don't i think you're spying you're supposed to get rid of them no you can't what do you mean this is actually for the time for the rspb actually to get in touch um give us a shout um what is your score with bird nests can you get rid of them or can you keep them how many bird nests are we talking we've got one bird nest just above my head at the moment right and what's the score with bird nests? Can you get rid of them or can you keep them? How many bird nests are we talking?

We've got one bird nest just above my head at the moment. Right. And what's happening? Isn't it nice though to have a bit of wildlife? No, because there's shit everywhere. They're disgusting. They're like literally

pooed all up the side of the house. I had to get the cartrout twice this weekend. First time I really enjoyed it. Second time it felt like they were laughing at me. What's your garden like? Has it got a lot of flowers and plants so actually lisa did a bit of uh she did a bit of a garden tidy up uh at the weekend and um we have made them as i would describe it as a mistake

we have made the mistake of putting astray down like full fake grass whatever and um it's insane it doesn't it doesn't look anything like grass whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa built in so you can change the music oh yeah alexa change station to 99.2 see purchase a 2024 escape st line 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294.

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Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. It's such a mental surface. And then the other day, it blew up like a rug. Oh, no. It's just so embarrassing. I don't know how to explain it.

It's like your skirt's lifting up in the window. Yeah, or it's like, you know, a bloke walking down the high street with what he thinks is a really well-fitting wig. Yeah. You sort of think, and sort of people, I feel like when it blows up like that, I just feel like people are going, that family is so fucking lazy. They think they're too good to go and mow their lawn. Have you got flowers out?

Have you got flowers and stuff? No, not really. A bit. There's a bit around the edges. Do you know what? I have a real respect for Titchmarsh. Because it's hard to toil, mate, moving around plants and stuff and keeping them nurtured and lovely and looking nice.

Why are you doing... By the way, this question isn't as facetious as it sounds. What I'm asking is, why are you doing it? Are you doing it because at some point in the future, when those bloom or whatever, I don't know how the seasons work seasons work but when they do are you going to go out there with katherine and you're going to sort of i can imagine you just putting your hands on your hips and you go well this is where the hard work really pays off take a look girl you know what wrong or are you doing it for the journey all right no i'll tell you that the journey is almost instant mate it's like getting on a tube and you're there so yesterday i cracked open a beautiful cold ice cold uh bottle of well hydrate

oh fuck off after after a toilet stay in the garden i looked around i went i just went just said to myself the garden is looking good it looks nice well done and i just sort of smiled to myself and uh yeah it looks nice boy so what what's what plants are we talking now uh we've got some beautiful roses that i don't know all that no their names we've got some nice red ones some pink ones great great great great um we've got a couple of big trees you know the ones that look like a ball on the end of the the

like a big you've got the the straight bit like a lollipop tree yeah yeah we've got a couple of those do you have to

do you have to check how they're going to affect your neighbours light or whatever when you plant those no I didn't check no I'm not saying

I'm not saying did you I'm not asking did you check I'm asking should you check I don't think so I'm not saying I'm not saying did you I'm not asking did you check I'm asking should you check I don't think so I think that

I actually think that they're I hope that they're fine do you reckon you could stick a photo up on the Instagram for us yeah I'll do it what of the trees

yeah of the whole garden I think yeah yeah I'll do it I'll do it great great great you should do one of your you lying on your astroturf

and just look knickers we're moving house soon and we're gonna have a bigger garden in that new place and i'm a bit nervous about all that mate you've got you know what you've got to do is you've just got to completely fucking enjoy it you've got to make the garden your friend i just know that i i just won't get it right and i'll find it frustrating and everyone will say to me oh it's really relaxing when you do a garden and it'll become this new thing to have a hang up about i mean like something will die and then i'll be convinced that's a sign of the fact that i can't keep things alive then i'll start worrying about the children and laser gentlemen it's just i know what the truth of plants is some of them are going to live some of that they are robust

things you've brought up three beautiful kids, right? But let me tell you now, right? The way you say, oh, yeah, I'm going to fail at it. My garden has been trial and error. I've been here for two years, right? I've messed stuff up. I've put stuff in the wrong places. But now I've started moving things around.

I look around it and I'm thinking, you know, in a way it's like being a plastic surgeon. So at some point you're going to get like someone's nose, you're going in a way it's like being a plastic surgeon. You know? So at some point you're going to get like someone's nose, you're going to over-egg the pudding a little bit and make it too pointy but you can always go back and redo it. I don't think you could in that case actually. I think that's

you're looking at a lawsuit there probably. Alright, well. Well, okay. Alright, it's like it being a hairdresser. Right. I might shave a little bit off too much off the side one time but when the guy comes back i know not to do that again sure or you know a guy you come into me and say oh i really want a ponytail this month and i go all right okay he has long enough we can do a ponytail the next month you come and said you

know what actually uh instead i want a french crop and i'm like yeah mate you can have whatever you want times change things grow back. And that's what a garden is. I wonder what a reaction would be of a hairdresser if somebody with long hair went in and said, do you know what I really want? A ponytail. And the hairdresser goes, sorry, are you saying...

Are you saying... Are you saying that you need me to show you how to do a ponytail? Yeah, I've always wanted a ponytail, right. So your hair's long enough. Yeah, I know, but I want to put it into the tail. How do you do that? Have you ever had a ponytail? No, I haven't.

I had it back in the day. No, you didn't. When did you have a ponytail? No, I haven't. I did back in the day. No, you didn't. When did you have a ponytail? I had an undercut. Oh, yeah, I did an undercut as well, but I never grew it long enough for a ponytail. You could put it up like that and just have a little ponytail.

What's your take on these? Listen, I was about to get into very judgmental about top knots here, but you know, top knots are great. They're great. They're really great. You know what? I'd have one.

I think I'd carry one off of a prom. I've got to say man I keep on getting targeted by hair clinics saying what just do you want some free free plugs

and I'm like there's times when I can't sleep at night or I get up a little bit early in the morning I'm just lying there

with my own thoughts and you know I reminisce of that you know that heady summer where i had like an undercut and i could wear it up in a ponytail or wear it down and when i sort of get out of the pool i can just squash it around and stuff and then i think about you know when i had like uh like a french crop or do you mean i used to love having hair and sometimes i look back and at it and think, fuck, man. Tom, yeah, but okay, but how would you deal with that? So let's imagine that you go, yeah, thank you.

I will, in exchange for mentioning it a thousand times on the Wolf and Hour podcast, I will get some free hair plugs or whatever. So you do that, right? And then what? The next, how are you planning, how would you plan on unleashing that on the world? Because, you know, people are aware. I think you've got to be, no, you've got to be honest with people. Yeah, of course, yeah.

Of course you have to be honest with people because you're currently bald. So if you turn up with a full head of hair, yeah, you have to be honest with people. I think the hair does the job for you. What I'm asking is, how will you play that off? Will you go, I've just been to, is it in Turkey or do you stay in the UK?

No, there's two different ones. One in Turkey, london right okay you know what mate if i'm honest with you i'd say i'm not even thinking of doing it really yet at the moment i think because what i want from my hair is like a really big like i want to go back big i want to you know a sweet look of you know the fucking length there boy but um i probably just say to people that you know i miss my hair so much you know it's like buying a new dog isn't it i suppose in a way is it or i think things are becoming more normal now they're normalized yeah some of our biggest icons and some of our biggest heroes have had it done like who way ruining yeah tubes from soccer am yeah yeah yeah uh i mean like there's a few other people that I'm legally probably not allowed to name,

but I could, you know. Yeah, a lot of people have had it done. There's nothing wrong with having it done. If I was to say to you, Mavid Sneckham. Right. Can I just ask, what are you trying to do there? What? No, I'm just saying I can't legally say that.

So you're clearly talking about David Beckham,'m just saying I can't legally say that. So you're clearly talking about David Beckham but why... You can't legally say that. You can't legally say that David Beckham has had hair plugs. It's been speculated upon in some of the media.

What? Has he threatened legal action? Not against me but I don't want to get into that with him because I admire the guy. I admire the guy too

but has he refuted it? Do we even know that he's anti being called out for it? Can you Google it, please, now? David Beckham hair plugs. Or Mavid Sneckham, or whatever alias you've given him. Hold up. Wait there.

What? David Beckham shows off his thinning hair two years after his hair transplant. Oh, yeah. Look at that. What does that mean? So he has had it, and he's... He has had it, and then what? He has admitted to it as well. Full credit, actually, look at that. What does that mean? So he has had it, and he's... He has had it, and then what? He has admitted to it as well. Full credit, actually, to him.

But hold on, why has he had hair transplant, but now it's thinning again? I don't think it lasts forever. God, he's so cool, David Beckham, isn't he? What makes you say that? Just looking at pictures of him. It's just a picture of him, right? He's just wearing...

There's a picture of David Beckham here, right? And he looks so cool in an outfit that the difference of david beckham wearing this outfit and me and you wearing this outfit is for david beckham you can go fucking hell he's absolutely owning that he smashed it me and you wearing this outfit is like oh god have you seen like we've just given up yeah i can see the picture i think think, yeah, he looks amazing. I think there should be warnings on pictures like that. You know, because you look at David Beckham and you think he looks great. And then what happens is,

is somebody like you and I decide that we're going to make an effort and do something about our appearance or whatever, and then we buy a similar outfit. Yeah. And you look like an absolute bellend. Yeah, there should be someone just there to say don't wear that mate yeah i mean there is there is lisa lisa lisa's called me out on a number of things actually katherine's incredible for that i've got to say like the other day i put

on something to go for a dog walk which wasn't that far away from what david beckham's wearing in that picture what did she say she went you're not going out like that even for a little walk with a dog what did you say I got changed immediately did you get grumpy no no no no she's always right

about stuff like that we have that mirror you see behind me there right that mirror is one of the worst things I've ever spent money on

why because it makes you look fucking great in stuff you're wearing yeah you look in that mirror and you go oh fucking hell

I'm smashing it and then you walk past in a shop window and you're like oh my god i look like i've been poured into this outfit do you know what i hate is is that there's a certain angle i think it's like three quarters on that you're at your sort of girthiest right and every impromptu photo that's ever been taken of me is at that angle for some it's like my body wants to go it's like something about my brain goes i want you to cry about this photo later so so i sort of position myself into this thing to look at my absolute fattest yeah but you know but look you know the truth of it is

you no one stands front on to a fucking picture you look insane why the fuck do we all stand completely front on in a we all stand completely front on in a mirror you stand completely front on and you stand like that and you breathe in and you go

and then you go that's how I'm going to look to everyone all day what the fuck are you talking about we had a mirror once that was so disillusional though

right I don't know I think I saw I think I'd seen you around this time like it was a very small part of my life.

I went through a phase of thinking, oh, I'll wear my shorts. So when I wear shorts, right, I'll give them a little couple of rolls to give them a little bit of fucking... I hate bagginess. I hate when shorts flare up at the bottom. So you're pinrolling your shorts?

Yeah, I was pinrolling them a couple of times, right? And I looked in this mirror and I was like, looking pretty cool. I look pretty fucking cool right um i've always i've often thought when i've seen you in shorts on the occasion that you do wear them i have always thought to myself we should show a little bit more leg so it's nice that you were it's nice that you're rolling them up a bit so how are you going up just sort of i went like two pin rolls yeah you're you're a g pin rolling i've noticed that right i can pin

roll nice all right two pin rolls right yeah so i've been rolled these a couple of times i look in this mirror behind me and i'm like i look good boy looks good smashing life right i've had all of that work i've had some meetings and stuff and quite some people i was going for a couple of pints in soho i think caught a look of myself in the fucking window. I specifically remember it in the window of Soho Theatre Bar. Yeah. And it looked like I had fucking Daisy Dukes on. Walk past Soho Theatre, thirstily looking through the window

to see if there's any media types for you to go and have a drink with. Right. And I look in and I genuinely look like I've got Daisy Dukes on. It looked like I had hot pants on. So in my mind, let me just, obviously, look, you know, I know we can't, in my mind,

I'm wearing them like this, yeah? Yeah. And the truth is, they're like that. Oh my God. Right? Just below your ball bag,

for the benefit of the listener. Yeah. So I look like I'm basically just going, I really like my legs, I'm getting them out. And my legs at the time, they were quite tanned. But, you know. You have got nice legs, actually.

Yeah. But it's one of my main attributes. And, yeah, summer comes, I like to get them out. And then I had a T-shirt that was too fucking tight. You know, it was just not a good look. I shudder now to think about everyone who saw me that day. Rupert Magendie took a picture of me that day. Yeah, isn't it horrible when somebody takes a picture of you

and they see you in a horrible position like that? I wonder who would do that. Oh, no, that's right. You did that to me when I came to the offices recently. No, I only got that through because Rupert did it to me a few times. Yeah, it doesn't mean you carry on the abuse. You don't pay it forward. No, but you looked cute in that day.

No, I didn't. You knew exactly what you were doing. You don't pay it forward. No, but you look cute in that day. No, you know, you knew exactly what you're doing and you put it straight up on Instagram. You were looking at your phone looking like really sort of docile and cute. You're such a dick. The fact that you, the fact that you remember the fucking photo tells me everything I need to know about your motivations. Cause if you were truly innocent,

you'd have gone, what photo is that then? But you knew straight away. I've got some beautiful photos of you. Do you remember when I had that nude app where you could make the blocking around your face? Oh, yeah. We had some fun with that. Lisa and I have been talking because the swan is actually quite self-conscious

about her physique. She probably won't like me saying this, but she does get nervous, with no reason, by the way. She's an absolutely delightful woman. But we were both having this chat. We went out on the weekend, went to a fish,

shout out to Fishers Farm Farm Park. Very nice time for all the family. Living it up. And it's such a weird thing, isn't it? The sun comes out, you get excited about the summer weather, but at the same time,

you start getting nervous about the fact that you can't hide behind layers anymore, right? Do you know what I mean? You can't, you've got to start, you've got, you're potentially staring down the barrel of just a single layer between being between you and the elements do you mean and yeah and t-shirts it's so difficult to buy a t-shirt that's the right size and it's flattering and i'd say for somebody with in our

kind of awkward stage almost impossible go on no no no i no, no. I'm going to do a shout out for you here. Go on, go on. Because I, mate, I struggle like fuck with this, right? Okay. I'm tall. You're like myself, right?

So you've got a larger upper body, right? Yeah. A longer upper body. Yeah. Then you have a tummy, right? Shout massive out, right? Number one, I'm going to say

Rugman t-shirts uh the ones i'm wearing now amazing shout out this is no poke front of placement they're incredible they fit well but also um shout out to eight eight just a plain asos asos do a plain white t-shirt right right that is i brought two of them the other day and i wore them out we went out for me and catherine like yourself i'm like i'm t-shirts are the worst fucking thing because they'll cling to shit yeah a fucking hole to shit you can't put a jacket on to fucking hide them you know i mean i wear an over shirt all the fucking time so over shirts are literally like wearing a baggy dress for a guy correct all right they're amazing they look cool putting on a smock yeah i went i'll be honestly they're so fucking nice the cut of them

is g okay i'll send you the link alright and they fit beautiful and it's still got that kind of that 90s rep of how a 90s t-shirt used to fit

okay before everyone got into slim fit mate I reckon every couple up and down this you know

obviously there'll be a few that don't who couldn't give a fuck or looking good me and Catherine have had exactly the same conversation right it's like a ritual we're about to go out the door lisa goes do i look like a fat old cow in this and i say do it like a fat old prick

and then we'll say no and we'll both assume the other one's lying and we'll just go out anyway mate we went out for dinner the other night and we had the same thing like you're both going over what you're wearing. Because you're, obviously you're out of practice, right? Yeah. We haven't been leaving the house. We've become like completely fucking

at one with like the way we look because you're with the person that you love and like fucking adore the most. So we've become like in a world where we're like, oh,

this is what we look like. This is, this is what we'll wear. And all of a sudden you're, because you don't, there's no judgment really. There shouldn't be any judgment at home,

but there shouldn't be any judgment anywhere. But once shouldn't be any judgment anyway but once you leave your front door you then oh shit i'm playing golf later and i'm already in my head what am i going to wear oh mate is this planning what you're wearing and i'm going to start you start thinking to yourself is it because i'm vain and it's not because you're vain it's because well look there's there's a there's a vanity to it but it's not because you think you look amazing. You know when people go, I just want to look stunning one day, or I want to look gorgeous for the rest. You know what I want to look like?

I want to look like... I just want to look like a regular human who doesn't pass their own reflection in a shop window and feel like crying. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to look like a puddle of dog shit. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it.

I don't want to look like somebody that makes other people wince as they walk past you. Okay? That's the truth. But you know the worst thing is pity. Oh, yeah. Have you ever been in a situation where you're wearing the same as someone, but they wear it better?

Like, exactly the same? Yeah. We had this one of the producers on Misadventures, this guy, Morgan, a really good-looking, slim bloke, and we bought the same kind of over shirt this sort of nudie jacket thing and honestly mate i walk in and i see him wearing it it looks like a different garment bro it looks like it looks like he spent 300 more pounds on his one than me because of the way it sits on him it's just it's just insane to the point where you know oh i've got that jacket then somebody else just goes oh have you

it's so horrible just looking at it going oh that's that is that is how the people who made the jacket wanted it to look and go on this is awful

well I played golf the other week with Jamie and Harry right yeah basically I'd forgotten my golf trousers

right so I had to go and like buy and I've got like a yeah I like my clobber

right I've got some incredible golf trousers that fit me nice as a bigger guy. Shout out Lululemon. So I had to go to the golf pro shop. Listen, if you'd have said to Tom Davis of 10 years ago, in 10 years' time, on a podcast, you're going to say the word shout out Lululemon.

Right, listen. I zip in, right? I zip in nice. I go in and say, have you got any golf trousers for me? And this guy's like, oof, looked me up and down. He was like, no, I don't know if you've got it. Let me see what I can do. He was a lovely guy, absolutely gentleman.

But he's come back, and all he had was my waist measurement, but a 32-inch leg, which is, like, four inches. So it's a three-quarter length here, right? Yeah. No, it's about there. I'm about 35. Just so you know, guys, Tom has gestured with his hand how much shorter they'd be.

Once again, about 30 episodes in. So, yet again, it's failure to appreciate this is an audio medium right anyway and then we video these I don't know if you're thinking we're going to show but the idea that this would be the fucking clip

that we put out anyway like that was a day where you're like I'm playing with like everyone's dressed drippy right and not just the people I'm playing with everyone's dressed drippy. Right.

And not just the people I'm playing with, the people before and after are dressed so nice. Sure, sure, sure. You're on a drippy course, right? Yeah. And then I turn up and I've got ankle swingers on. And I've had to pull the ankle swingers. It was either I have my butt.

I either wear like a fucking low rider jean with my thong out or I wear them up with a pair of ankle swingers. Yeah. So in the end, I tried to wear up with a pair of ankle swingers. Yeah. So in the end, I tried to wear them sort of a bit down but then pull my polo shirt

a bit further down and wear a baggy upho. Yeah, it was a fucking absolute. And then I looked across and saw Jamie and everyone and it looked so

fucking drippy. It's horrible. It's a horrible, it's a horrible, horrible thing. Shall we go to some emails? Let's do it, baby. This is from Michael White.

He says, Morning, Wolf, Owl and the Swan. I just wanted to start off by saying how much I love this pod. That's enough blowing smoke at your ass, as he says. Thank you so much for the kind comments we do read all the kind comments but we don't read them out because we find it i find it nerve-wracking not nerve-wracking embarrassing uh after some advice from my friend and my brother's unborn child my partner and i were due to get married last october 2020 but due to covid we needed to push it back to october this year and that's how my brother and sister-in-law

are now having a lockdown baby there wasn't much to do in lockdown apart from having sex which is which uh is excellent news and when they told us a few weeks back they were having their first baby we were super happy for them both only issue is that her due date is two days before our wedding nice uh talk about bad timing myself and my partner are not worried about the are not worried about the attention being taken away from us we're not that type of people uh the bigger issue is that the brother and my brother and his girlfriend won't be able to have a good time or enjoy themselves as we're ready to blow at this point it should be overdue by two two days at this point i'm really struggling to know what he's asking us to do advice wise in this situation uh but the biggest worry is that there

is a good chance they could miss the wedding completely if she goes into labor the night before the morning of the wedding which would result in them not being able to come i know that decision is totally out of their hands but i might be able to postpone our wedding to 2022 and that would ensure they're both there for a special day just want to add that me and my other are very close pretty much speaking every day in wolf words he's my guy and he has a sweet soul what advice can you give on this matter are we best to go along with our date this year and fingers crossed that the baby's early? Do I look to postpone again,

but then face a massive back rule due to wedding being moved due to COVID? My partner and I already want to get married this year after what happened last year, but we want to have all our family there, and certainly my brother and sister-in-law. You guys are invited to the wedding. I know Tom loves a wedding.

Peace and love, Mike. Mike, you what? Yeah, boy. Mike, I'm waiting with a little bit of a wedding email need some advice let me say this i hope it's a white wedding y'all um uh do you know what i know you were doing like a thing like an ironic joke thing there but you still look proud it was so horrible to watch. You're an absolute prick. You're such a prick. Literally.

That was such a fucking AJ uppercut. Klitschko thinks he's got a fucking blow. You come in with a fucking little uppercut. Listen. Mike. My guy, Mike. Love you, bro. I wanted to say that for a start. You seem Yeah, go on. Mike. My guy, Mike. Love you, bro. I wanted to say that for a start. You seem like a fucking absolute consummate.

That's how you start a relationship with someone in Tom's world. You say you love them. Yeah, but listen, Mike White, you're a fucking G, bro. Because you know what, Mike? I can tell you this. You're worried about all kinds of things at the moment. And you don't say it, but I think you're worried about your sweet lady, your missus, in all the mix of things.

And I think there's something to be said about the fact that postponing a wedding twice is going to have, you know, I guess it's just a bit of a shocker. It's going to be pretty difficult because then you're going to always be thinking, how important is your wedding in the scheme of things? Because every time you move it, because you don't know what's going to happen next year

or the year after, do you know what I mean? You're just always going to, is it going to be the thing? You constantly move. That said, you you know you seems like you and your bro and your your sister-in-law you know you've got an incredible relationship very solid relationship and you obviously want them there um i mean i kind of think for the most part i would say keep the keep keep the date as you have it but then your relationship with your brother seems so so solid and so so and it seems a thing of beauty my bro uh i'd i'd say that maybe just on that just that alone uh you'd be gutting wouldn't it to do it without having him there i mean i'm giving

you more questions and answers man tom can i ask you can i ask you something do you do you feel like sometimes when i say tom over to you which i do every time i'm not really giving you enough time to think about no i can think on my feet i always think about this imagine if me and white were in a pub one day that's going to happen my g and white he came in he was like big t and i'm like where the rum is just getting around him for once everyone would laugh um and then he'd turn around and he'd go guys i've got this got this predicament. I know for a fact I'd be the first one to blur out some advice

and then you'd give more kindred. You know, you'd turn around. This is basically what would happen. Mike White would turn around and say his problem.

I'd go, listen, Whitey, mate, da-da-da-da-da. You'd come over and go, fucking seven quid a pint.

All right, and I'd go, Whitey's up fucking up to his neck in it at the moment, mate. I worry about pints. He's got this problem. And then you'd go tell tell us what the problem is then you give

you can you see how similar that voice is to your stato voice yes yeah yeah yeah i can now yeah yeah um okay good well i'm listening i'm glad you can and just just to be absolutely crystal clear michael you tom and i will will will not be having a drink together okay oh don't break the guy's dreams he's always got to change his wedding date what he's looking forward look if he comes to one of the shows or yeah if you come to one of the shows we'll buy your pint all right yeah this episode is brought to you by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils.

So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmartmart or shoppers drug mart today uh michael this is probably like free 23 pints anyway so this is uh i'll be out to drink them on my own uh michael i don't think you should move the wedding there you go i've made the decision before it for you i i really don't think you should move the wedding you've already postponed it by a year it sounds like you'd have to postpone it by another year the truth is no no harm is going to come from you having the wedding yes there's a possibility that your sister-in-law might go

into labor and they're not they're not being the wedding but then how amazing is this you get married and then you go and see your niece or nephew it's like it's like fucking happiness wrapped up in joy it's an amazing potential outcome do you know what i mean and the thing is they might be able to make it to the wedding if they don't you know what you do you sort out a little separate thing where you guys just celebrate a wedding and a like a wet the baby's head and yeah yeah i understand why you want them to be there but the truth of it is you you make it what you want it to be and... I think what Romesh is trying to say is family is important, but so is love. Yeah, but you do love your family,

so that makes absolutely no sense. No, I'm just saying. The way you said that was like love is separate to family. Well, okay, family love is important, and so is loving another person who you spend the rest of your life with. Which could also be family. Yeah.

No, but you're not going to get married to one of your family no so anyway michael uh you haven't said what date is it what is it october october 2021 tom are you um i'm around yo and mike if we can't make it due to work commitments um please please send some pictures in of the happy day um yeah that would be amazing. Thank you very much for your email. Please do not send any pictures in of your wedding. Thank you. Congratulations, by the way. Okay, this is from Gareth.

Hi, Swan, Wolf and Al. I need some sweet, sweet guidance on something I've been mulling over for a while now. My son Aidan and daughter Grace have both started playing football with their respective teams and i finally got them to start watching the football on tv with me i love this it's got to the point now where they started asking me who my favorite team are and that friends they're friends like man united man city liverpool etc but i'm a west brom fan do i guide my kids down the lines and line of becoming baggies fans in the eternal relegations and lack of success

that comes with that? Or do I let them choose their own teams and give them a chance to support a successful team but know that I'll lose a special bonding opportunity? Any advice you can give me might help me make the right decision. So thanks in advance. Love the podcast. Please keep them coming. Gareth. Tom, I suspect I know where your feelings are going to lie on

this. Well, G-Man, Gareth, how you doing, bro? Number one, I can tell already you're going to love the opening of this podcast because we go deep into football. If you'd like to hear a sort of discussion about football that is neither funny nor displays any insight, then rewind yourself to the beginning of this very episode, my friend. You're so funny. Oh, I love you, Rom.

It's a cheeky smile you did afterwards right listen Gareth what is football man is it about trophies

and medals and champagne lit streets it is about bonding my friend some of my most cherished memories are going with my father

to football and you know going to watch not a top-rate team. Yeah, I used to go all over the place watching football with him, but the main thing was just going and having those experiences, those bonding moments. And I think that's the most important thing. I think the truth of the matter is if everyone got into that position

where you're like, you know what, we'll just support someone successful, you're in a Super League situation where that's all everyone's doing is they're just going to follow your United, your City, your Chelsea.

And football's bigger than that and it always has been. I think we're joking around there about marriage and family and I think there's

an element that football brings is that family, the football family, being together, spending some time and going, watching clubs like West Brom. I'll go and watch a non-league game now and absolutely love it because I think there's a passion there and there's something that's just very, very special about going and watching a team who are playing just for the sheer love of

the game. And don't get me wrong, obviously, West Brom aren't that. You're not going to be ups, you're going to be downs. But imagine the feeling of in 15 or 10 years' time, West Brom get to an FA Cup final, right? And your son and your daughter support Man City and that moment isn't there with them. Because that can happen, right? Look at Man City. If you told Man City fans 15 years ago

that they'd be the biggest club you know potentially the biggest club in England certainly on the same scale as Chelsea Liverpool Man United

you'd have gone crazy because Man City where I was growing up were a great well supported team but they were never that size they had history but they weren't that size

things can change in football all the time and you know but the one thing that can't change is you know if they go down the road of going there they're not going to go all the time and yeah but the one thing that can't change is you know if they go down the road of going there they're not going to go all the time because I'm guessing if you're a Baggies fan you live in the West Brom area you're not going to be taking them to go to City so I think it's going to be it's and as a West Ham fan let me tell you it's

relegations it's ups it's downs but this season it's so so special to be sitting in sixth that's incredible that's just like in life my barometers of success are so much lower me and Rom talk all the time about us supporting Pro-West but if I

if I play around a goal if I hit one good goal shot I'm winning you know if me and Rom go and have a kick about and he scores one header me and him are winning

do you know what I mean our barometers are so low so West Brom get up in the Premier League and you finish 7th you've had a cracking time man remember

just go back and remember the great escape imagine how special that would have been with your son and daughter here at the end of the lesson Gareth you're a G my friend

and I love you Gareth thank you for your question I would echo everything Tom said there one of the things that I think one of the mistakes not the mistakes uh everything tom said there one of the things i think that one of the mistakes not the mistakes it's not a mistake one of the assumptions people i think make about supporting a football team is that if your team is the most successful you will get the

most joy out of that team and i just don't think that's true i sort of you know i i think of my time as an arsenal supporter and obviously arsenal have been on the slide for the last however many years. I remember when we were, just after the Invincible season, I remember if we won a game, against anyone, if we won a game, I would just think,

okay, we've won the game, that's what we're supposed to do at Arsenal. If we drew or lost, I'd be fucking devastated. I'd be gutted, so annoyed. Then, fast forward a few years when Arsenal weren't as likely to win against teams like that. I remember we

came from 1-0 down to beat Chelsea 2-1, and the fucking exhilaration and joy I felt at that because my expectations had changed, because what I expected from the team was different, was so much better. Actually, there was a sweet spot when Arsenal were kind of,

you know, slightly not quite up to Invincible level, but, you know, still there or thereabouts top four. I was really enjoying support. You know, actually, if you look at the experiences of going to watch them, in terms of objectively, the amount of adrenaline and enjoyment you'll get in, I think it's probably higher. A couple of weeks ago, me and the family were at Centre Parcs

and we were watching the second leg of the Brentford playoffs, right? The joy you'd feel. I mean, imagine what it feels like to be a fucking Brentford fan right now. Like, it must feel incredible, right? And imagine being able to enjoy that with your whole family. You know, in answer to your question, my children are Arsenal fans, right? And they have seen, during their lifetime, they've seen Arsenal get progressively kind of worse and worse.

There've been times when my son's looked at me and he's been absolutely gutted at how Arsenal have been doing. And I'm fully aware that Arsenal are still one of the top-achieving teams and that's a very spoiled attitude to take because there are teams that would die to be in an Arsenal position. I know all of that. But in terms of relatively speaking, That's a very spoiled attitude to take because there are teams that would die to be in Arsenal's position. I know all of that. But in terms of relatively speaking, my kids are all friends with people who support much more successful teams than them.

And sometimes they get annoyed about it. But equally, when the season starts, we're all going as a family to watch them. And we're all going to be like into it. I took my son to the FA Cup final against Chelsea that we won. And he was like convinced that we were going to lose. But it was still an amazing day. I just think the possibility of your kids supporting a great, you know,

a successful team and seeing them win the league is so massively outweighed by the family feeling of being able to support a team together. I live in an Arsenal house and for better or worse, we all root for the same team.

And, you know, sometimes that shit and sometimes it's great, but you're all doing it together. I think that's much better than somebody supporting a team that, you know, they win the league or, and then somebody else is upset when somebody else is happy and all of that. I just don't see that. Having said all of that, and I realised the answer I've just given is incredibly waffly,

but I do feel strongly about it. Having said all of that, I would be answer i've just given is incredibly waffly but i do feel strongly about it having said all of that i would be inclined to give your children the choice really i would present the argument and i would say something similar to what i've just said to you probably more eloquently and a little less waffly and see what they say i've on occasion my children are young enough particularly our youngest on occasion i've said to them you do know that if you want to support a different team, you can, because I don't want them to feel like they're forced. And every time they've always said they want to carry on and support an Arsenal, partly because that's their habit,

and partly because I do think they enjoy us being an Arsenal family. Do you know what I mean? So that is my answer to that question. I hope that helps. Gareth, go forth and do you, my friend. You're a G and you've got this. I don't think I could have answered that worse, really, mate. Listen, I should have said this at the beginning of the podcast.

I've been shit today. And I know I say this a few times. I have been absolute shit today. And I'll tell you why I've been shit. In about two hours, I am heading off to the dentist to get some major fucking work done. What is the major surgery you're having? I'm getting a big root canal and then a crown put in.

Jeez. I'm so scared. You're with the peaceful dentist. You are with the peaceful dentist. First of all, it's a gentle dentist. It's not an anti-war dentist I'm going to. What? You're with the gentle dentist.

If there's one person I trust to do this, it's them. You're going to genuinely be fine bro i'm just saying it's all i can think about it's all listen to me listen to me bro right let's just take this back to our friend mike white and his wedding right you're booking your wedding singer right you're going to go with ellie golden you're going to go with james bay you're not going to go with metallica right you have gone into an environment where you're having dental work done yes you're terrified because you're scared of dentists that's fine we've all got our phobias and fears you have gone with the most kindest even in in her name she's called the gentle dentist tom she wasn't the person the gentle dentist no i know she wasn't christened there but look

if she was called the gentle dentist and wasn't gentle soft and um sensual and kind right let me tell you you're so excited about saying sensual that you stumbled on it no look she she would not be able to get away with that name unless she had earned it it's like it's back it back in the day when you were given nicknames or you know with like native american indians they were named after the things that they were fucking amazing at and that's what she is she's an incredible dentist okay i want you to walk in there i want you just to hold both her hands look her in the eye and just say please take care of me i don't think i'm gonna i don't think i'm gonna hold her hands

mainly because they're gonna shortly be in my mouth right just walk in just say what's her name again her real name Tony Tony you just walk in and go Tony sorry just before we start this procedure I just want to say something I'm gravely worried I'm terrified can you give me

your 100% word that you will be gentle, as your name suggests? I swear now. And also be a dentist. I want her to be both of those things. Yeah, right. She will look you back in your eye and she'll go,

Romesh, I've got this. It's what I do. I'm the gentle one. Okay. Can I be honest with you? If she looks me back in the eye and says that to me, I will be concerned. I will actually say to her, are you high?

Well, you will lay down, you know. I don't know whether they play with your hair or they stroke your beard or whatever. No, they don't. Right. Right, yeah. Mate, it's the same thing as when I take my dog to the vets. He hates it.

We make it an experience. We tickle him. We have some fun with fun with him you know and then you take him a few times he gets used to it what a lovely example to give thank you tom i'm just saying right you are going to the best person to be gentle with you all right thank you all right so so on behalf of the owl i just want to on behalf of me i just want to apologise to you guys listening to this because... I think you've been lovely. I think you're nervous. I've been terrible. Do not wear white underpants.

In case you see it. Go back to my story at the top. No, I know what you were doing. Why'd you have to do that? Because you're not 100% with it. I'm with it enough to... I know what a callback is fucking hell you just literally undermined

everything you said I think you've been great today by the way you know you're going to shit yourself but that's a callback to a joke I made earlier on where i was talking about earlier on in the podcast that that's how little you think of me and my performance today no it's not i think you've been great okay i think every listener who cares about the owl will be sending in lovely advice and lovely things for you to do sort of checking in on you. Okay? All right. We're not two solo animals sprinting through the woods. You know, this is part of a tribe of animals going through this together. I couldn't think of one word that applies to animals.

Could you? For a pack, herd, flock, none of that. All of that evaded you. invaded you okay tom can you please do us the honor of uh taking us out please my g there was a beaver a sweet sweet little beaver and he was growing up um and was conscious that his teeth weren't as strong as the other beavers i wonder what this is i wonder where you're going with this and his mom and dad one day said to him look you know why do you question everything about yourself and he says you know i've seen like bruno and kevin and rafael are all going out and they are able to chew the bark and chew the woods in such a way that they've made the strongest dams

that a river's ever seen. I just don't think that maybe it's in me because I question how sharp and strong my teeth are. And his mum turns around and she says, look at me, son, look at me now. Do you know why you question your teeth? It's because you've never used them you've never tried to build a dam so how do you know your and he just looks he puts cups his chin in his hands and says because i'm bloody share everything mother

and she says no you're not because you haven't tried everything yet you share all the things you've tried but everyone is good at a couple of things including you and he just looks smiles and he goes out and he takes his first little nibble of a piece of wood and he doesn't build a dam he sculpts it into a perfect replication of his mother and he takes it to their little uh like warren house thing and she says did you go and build a dam he said no i made this for you because some of us are born to be productive and some of us are born to be beautiful creative is the word you're looking for creative yeah some of us are born to be some of us are born to be productive and some of us are born to be creative but we're all born with just

and she strikes his hair and says keep on sculpting son for we never know where that will go three years later their house was washed away because the dam wasn't strong enough but anyway that's the story of the sweet beaver um

do you sorry what did you was at the end of that sorry there's a bit where you go some people are born productive some people are more creative and other people are just and then what was the end of that no but we're all just we're all just what then she just says that that's that's like yeah that's actually she finishes it no she goes she's got an interesting parenting style she's sort of mum that says to her son She just says that. That's like, yeah. That's how she finishes it. No, she goes... She's got an interesting parenting style. She's the sort of mum that says to her son, you're not shit at everything,

you're just shit at the stuff you've tried. No, but he's got... Right, it's like trying ice creams. Yeah. You don't like all the ice creams you're going to try, but when you find one, you're just addicted to it. You know, shout out Fabloly's, right? And when she says some of us are just,

then she just... I probably didn't do the right connotation, but she shrugged her shoulders. This is irrelevant to me, but I want to know if this is of interest to you. Do you know you can get Cornetto tips now? What? Have you seen those? No.

They're just like mini, it's like the bottom third of the cone, sealed off with chocolate and just ice. It's like a little mini snacky thing. Is that a good idea? That is wonderful. Yeah, that is beautiful. I had an amazing vegan breakfast, by the way, this morning.

Go on, talk me through it. Crushed avocado on toast, seeded toast with some chili and salt and three beautiful vegan sausages. Oh, lovely. Very good, man. Very good. How do you like your mashed potato? I made... Oh, we can't talk about this now. Anyway, just very quickly.

How do you like your mashed potato? I like it with loads and loads of butter and salt. I'll be honest with you, I'm deeply unsurprised by that. But the question I'm asking is... White pepper as well. How solid do you like it? Oh, no, I like it... I don't. I hate it runny. That's why I never put milk like it oh no i like it i don't i hate it runny that's why i never put milk in it it's a stupid thing to put milk in it that's what i did

yesterday did you i know it was it really running it was sort of like a slop oh no man it's bad isn't it butter you put cheese you put salt and you put a little little tiny to taste bit of white pepper and then you've got a mashed potato fit for a king or queen or prince or princess or simply just a jester okay well that what a wonderful way to go out uh thank you so much guys sorry for my performance on this episode we'll see you we'll be seeing you next time post dentist with the owl so he'll be doing a review of the gentle dentist yes look forward to it take Take care. Bye-bye. Bye. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback,

or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.