Wolf and Owl - Episode 27

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

We’re talking… technical problems, getting back into stand-up, Josh Widdicombe’s brother, disastrous dates and gigs that we’d really rather forget about. We also answer a question on a tricky unrequited love scenario and get some good news from a previous emailer. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

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Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right. Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right

for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca Order up for Rebelsis! Yo, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler

Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the Wolf For Now podcast. Men dressed up as a bird and a dog the reason I'm saying this so half-hearted is because we talked about all of this. We unpacked it all for about 15 minutes. And then Tom revealed that not for the first time, he had not bothered to fucking record what we were doing. Yeah. But also you've got to remember that you weren't recording either.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I wasn't screen recording, right? I was audio recording, right? So my part of it,

if you want me to put out my one-sided part of the conversation, I can do. Okay. Mate, as far as I was concerned, it was like we got into this, there was a problem with your microphone and your headphones. That took up 10 minutes of you having a panic attack, right? So I then,

now I've had to get rid of my headphone and my microphone because I'm literally petrified that this falls apart, the wheels fall off again. Yeah, this is, we're in, I would say, sort of in terms of both content and audio quality, we really are flying by the seat of our pants here. Speaking of pants, you absolutely pulled my pants down there on the panic attack

I had about my headphones not working. The truth is we're both nestling into big hangovers. Romesh, obviously, hungover, celebrating the BAFTA win.

Another BAFTA for my boy, my G. Congratulations. I think all of our feline and animal friends would, like, salute you.

And hopefully when you're listening to this, I want you to look into the skies and, you know, salute your owl leader. I wonder if they'll ever make this. I wonder if they'll ever make a film of this weird sort of anthrop... Oh, fuck. What's the word? What is the word? It's coming to sound when you're asking me.

What? Anthropology. Yeah Yeah when they're animals like people Anthrop Hold on I'm looking it up Anthropomorphic Have you ever heard that word before? No Anyway what happened was I tried to use a word in a slur Like a slate in a view there

And I used a too long word and I couldn't even fucking say that. Anyway, if you're thinking, I wonder if they'll warm up and this will improve, no is the answer. This is about as peak as it's going to get. What we were talking about is the fact that I'm in my early 40s, Rom's in his mid-40s. We're basically both...

And we're both... We're feeling the effects of these elongated hangovers, right? Can I just... Just before we carry on, I am also in my early 40s. Because you're doing a callback there. People might be listening to this without listening to the past thing.

And then that just gets put out there as truth. Right, okay. In the same way that you told everyone in King Gary that I'm like 49 or whatever. No. And now you're doing it on the truth. Right, okay. You know what I mean? In the same way that you told everyone in King Gary that I'm like 49 or whatever. No. And now you're doing it on the podcast. Right, look. Rom is 43, 44?

Three. You know this. 43. Okay, right. But we're both now suffering these two three-day hangovers, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I was away, I was away in Bournemouth. Shout out to Bournemouth crew. Shout out to everyone in Bournemouth, shout out to Bournemouth crew,

shout out to everyone in Bournemouth. When I was there, someone said to me, you're just out of practice, big man. You're out of sync for the drinking vibe. And yeah, maybe I've not rode that horse for a while. One of the things you said to me is you bumped into a few Wolf and Owl fans, right? Yeah, it was nice.

Just shout out to the Wolf and Owl fans that came over, and especially to the group of lads that came over, and I shared a cold brewski on the beer with, a peach with. That was nice. They came over, brought me a beer, had a bit of a laugh. So you've managed to,

you've managed to, what I gathered from when we were chatting last night is, you've sort of cultivated a situation where people that have listened to the podcast will just buy you a beer now, because of the way that you've prostituted yourself on this podcast. I didn't ask for the beer. A group of sweet, sweet souls came over. They brought me a nice...

You didn't ask for the beer in that instance, but every episode you ask for a beer with whoever emails you. No, they did. And then another guy and his wife shot out the guy on the beach with your wife and your newborn. They came over. It was actually quite embarrassing, though, because I had to have a beer with him

while his wife stood on waiting with the newborn. Oh, my God. I mean, God knows what the rest of his evening was like. Just having to stand there attentively with a kid while her husband has bloody beer with the wolf. Yeah, it was, it was quite weird because sort of,

I kept on saying, is she all right? I asked her if she wanted, I was going to, I offered her, said, do you want some chips or something?

Right. Because we were standing next to Harry Ramsden's. But yeah, she was actually all right. She didn't want anything. So in the end, she didn't,

she just stood there and watched as we sort of, didn't even down the beers. He said it was too gassy. It was quite funny. He ran off to get me the beer. I had to stand with his wife and child for a little bit. Did you chat to them?

I said, have you listened to the podcast? And she said, I think I've listened to a couple. I was like, all right. But that's no, that's no, isn't it? You're a very polite guy. I saw, I've you how you are like even like last night i was reminded of what you're like when when people come up and say hello and stuff and you are one of the nicest and most accommodating people i've seen in that in that context man so you just

you you kind of you've got a cool way of just sort of feigning interest and then walking off. No, can I tell you what? So let's just clarify what happened last night. We were doing two gigs, right? We're in between gigs. We just stepped out for a little breather in between. I mean, I was a bit nervous about getting back in and like looking at this material again. And then we started having a chat.

And basically, I thought you were happily chatting, which you were happily chatting which you were happily chatting yeah they were nice guys but let me just say actually to to reinforce your statement you went back in to look at your material i drank the kool-aid a little bit with two guys who'd been at the first gig came in and absolutely fucking tanked fucking you did it you did it the opening of my fucking second gig because i i was i was too fucking chilled it's a hard thing doing two gigs back to back like that yeah i don't think i didn't realize like you know because you sort of think to yourself especially when you're trying out new material or you're getting back into it you know

obviously live comedy's back now for however long hopefully permanently and so there's loads of comedians trying to get there trying trying to get match fit again. And so when people say to you, you can do two or three gigs, it seems it's like tempting. Of course it is. And it's a good way of doing it. But the thing is you forget how knackering it is.

Like, because it's not, I'm not talking about the actual physical process of stood up and talking out loud. I'm talking about the physical process of getting yourself ready the adrenaline of it the throwing yourself into the performance and all that you don't realize and then when it came to the second gig both top both you and i were like i don't know if we can do this i mean obviously we were hung over but but even ordinarily if we weren't i still think

i remember i've done a couple of nights where i've done like four gigs on the bounce like i'm really trying to get material ready for, for tour. And the fourth gig on, on, I remember on one of the occasions was basically a write-off cause I was so fucked. I couldn't get,

like, I couldn't give like the gig what it needed. You know what I mean? In terms of reacting to the room and stuff like that. I found it yesterday. The worst thing is it's like, I wanted to do two sets of completely different material so i did one set and then the second set i me and you were chatting through some stuff and i was like i want

to do this bit this is in my own open with this and then i just opened with something easier because i i hadn't taken that time to just go through it in my head but yeah like the first one i went through everything meticulously i'm like look this is the way I'm going to go. I know what my points are, and I know where I'm going to angle this. It's like, I guess, you know, like when you hear about people saving penalties at World Cups or scoring penalties at World Cups. Pick your side and then go for that fucking right top corner, left top corner. And I basically, what I did is I was like, I'm going to open with this bit,

and then my bottle went just as uh james gill shout out james gill called my name to come on stage and i just thought oh you know what i'll just open with the stuff i opened the first set with and uh my heart wasn't really in it and then i really had to scramble to get the room back it was like sand going through your fingers so there's this festival they call it is mccunliffe comedy festival it's run by josh riddickham's brother henry right right and i never really knew josh riddickham had a brother okay well i mean i imagine that's something we need to take out the edit um quite funny i never even imagined josh having a brother what would you imagine it well you know when you look at someone you think about their siblings or you think about cousins or you know

how many uncles aunties they've got. I don't think I've ever, I've never, I've never, I've never met someone and imagined what their siblings might be like. Yeah, I do quite a lot. Well, I'll meet someone and think, oh, look, there's Josh Whitaker. I'm like, oh, I thought he probably had a sister. But I didn't ever for a million years think he had a brother. So is that, are you thinking he's got a sister because of something about him

well yeah probably just the way now i'll just always like whenever i've been with josh i thought oh you know he's probably got a sister whenever you've been with josh you thought he's probably every time because obviously i've known josh for a long time but i've never oh you know i don't know it's like rob beckett i know i always knew rob beckett our brothers i never ever doubt that for a minute yeah right you thought Josh had a sister and then did you go as far as to start telling people

he had a sister like you did when you sort of didn't understand what my age was no delivering that as fact to people

if I'd met his brother anywhere and he'd say I'm Josh Willigan's brother I'd go fucking hell man I didn't even know you existed

I thought you were a girl like don't you ever do that you sort of think like with you I always thought you were an only child and then I realised you've got a brother why't you ever do that? You sort of think, like with you, I always thought you were an only child. And then I realised that you've got a brother. Why did you think I was an only child? I don't know.

Just because sometimes you can be quite solemn. And I can imagine you just playing on your own as a kid. You can't even choke it out because you're so pleased with yourself. No. I don't know why. You must think about what's this person's family all about yeah i guess i'll be honest with you i actually think you make an interesting point like when you said like beckett's definitely got brothers oh you can see that can't you yeah all day brothers yeah anyway i i was i

was going to this festival run by Josh's brother. And everybody said, this festival is so nice. You'll have such a great gig there, blah, blah, blah. And it's a great festival. But I turned up there with like an hour's worth of stuff. I was due to go on tour or whatever. I think it was before Edinburgh. I wasn't touring at that stage. I was due to do Edinburgh.

And I had this notebook with all the stuff in front of me and i just looked at the notebook and it's difficult to explain if you haven't done stand-up but all these jokes not even jokes ideas written down and as i walked into the room with the audience there i just looked at the book and the words just dissolved it was like the book just went there's nothing there for you, mate. I mean, I genuinely died for an hour, like just played to nothing because I just had nothing. Just played to silence for an hour.

People walking out like utterly nonplussed by what they just seen. Maybe even angry that I'd taken an hour from their finite lives. Well, you did an hour. Yeah, it was an hour. It was an hour preview. hour from their finite lives we did what i delivered yeah it was an hour it was an hour preview and then i left and watched all of these other comedians raving about how amazing it is to

be there and what a great show they just did and i just didn't have the heart to say i'll just see you know i've broken you know this spell that everyone says this festival's got about how you always have a nice show just so you know i i took a massive shit in there like metaphorically speaking i actually think not only was it a bad gig i wonder if you have to sort of not use that venue anymore because i think it's like you know it's like when you build in an old native american burial ground yeah yeah i think i think that's what that is it's a it's a site where a sri lankan comedian died and we can't use it again like 9-11 where the birds won't fly over 9-11, will they? The only part of that little country town where birds won't fly over is because you died so badly on your hole. Is it still going or did Henry give it up?

You're showing a lot of interest in a festival and a bloke that you didn't know existed five minutes ago. I'm just interested in Henry, I just think. I'd quite like to meet him, actually. I don't think they did it during lockdown either, but I imagine it'll come back. I'd actually just like to go on the way just to meet Henry. If you're going, I'll come along with you

just to say hello. It's a four-hour drive. Where is it? McCuntliffe. Where's that? Wales. Jesus. I actually quite like Wales, but I don't know if you even have to go near my house to go there. No, I can't imagine I will do I made the mistake

The other thing I did when I did McCuntliffe is I, so ignorant, such an ignorant English thing to do I got offered another gig in Wales And I assumed it was doubleable Because it was in the same country So I did McCuntliffe And then I had another four hours After dying on my arse for an hour

I had to jump straight in the car pretty much and then drive to Cardiff. Go and be pretty fucking average at another gig. Was it Glee? And then I went home. Pardon? Glee in Cardiff? No, it wasn't a Glee.

I can't remember what it was. It was bad though. It was a bad day. Why did we have to come setting up all this stuff in Wales? I don't even know. Josh isn't Welsh, is he? No. No. I wonder why they've done that. I don't even know. Josh isn't Welsh, is he? No. No.

I wonder why they've done that. I only want to get to the... I actually think I'd get on with Henry when I think about it. Based on what? I don't know. What do you currently know about him? He's Josh's brother

and he runs a comedy festival. In Wales? He thinks outside the box. He's just obviously... He's just like... Well, if he lives there... If he lives there, I wouldn't say it's outside the box.

Well, no, if he lives there, then I'm just like, I'm quite... I'm always interested in people who have moved away and why. Yeah. Why did he decide on Wales? Why a small town in Wales? Yeah. Big shout out to Henry Whittacombe. Yeah, well, Henry, if you are listening to this, we'd love you to get in touch and

sort of answer all of Tom's queries. He seems to have got, i would describe it as creepily interested in your background and i find people interested it would be just nice to have a cold beer with him have you ever done that well well surprise surprise tom wants such and by the way everybody that's emailed in and and tom's offered to have a beer with, and you felt a warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart. This is, this is the reason why you shouldn't get as excited as you have done,

because Tom, I would say six minutes ago now, I didn't know this guy existed. Hasn't met him. Doesn't know anything about him apart from he runs a comedy festival in Wales and he's Josh's brother. And he now wants to have a beer with him. And,

and that's even, he's not even got in touch have you ever done it where you've had a beer with someone it's not been as spectacular as you thought the number of times that's happened and I'm and I'm not just saying for me that way that their way back to me where like you you get on with someone at work I mean you go do you want to have it happened to me a lot in teaching and you go and have a beer with somebody and then early on in the beer you sort of think oh we don't actually we don't actually have a lot to chat about outside of work and then you start thinking actually what you should be able to do in that situation is say look we gave it a go it's a nice thing that we decided to try and make this happen,

but it's quite clear that we're not going to be friends. Should we just sort of call it a night here and then we can go home earlier? It's a sad, really sad, depressing moment, isn't it? Like that. I remember when I lived in Bermondsey and meeting up with a couple of what I thought were like-minded souls for a beer and having, like, you know, I stood there, we had a drink,

we had a bit of a laugh. Well, I thought I was really trying to have the laugh. And I could tell they just weren't really interested. They weren't invested in the beer. So I sort of, we all went our separate ways. And then I tried going on a pub crawl just to sort of, just like you with that gig, I tried, I was just going from pub to pub to try and find sort of something

or someone to sort of, like, sort of reinstall I tried, I was just going from pub to pub to try and find sort of something or someone to sort of like, sort of reinstall the fact that I was good company. Yeah. It was quite a sad moment in my life actually. Yeah. Have you ever had it with like, going out with girls?

Oh God, yeah. There was a girl that I was like, obsessed with, man. Not obsessed, it's a bit of an exaggeration. Actually, the truth is, it's not an exaggeration. What actually happened there is,

I thought the girl might listen to this and obsessed sounds terrifying. But anyway, the point is, I was really into this girl and I'd seen her at this bar a few weeks in a row where I managed to get to a point where we went out for a drink. And we went to this pub and I was like really excited about it. And we sat down in a pub and it was one of the driest conversations I've ever had.

Like, do you know, do you know those conversations where you're just fucking firing questions at each other? But it's like, uh, if you were to say what your favorite meal is, what would it like? You know,

just desperate, absolutely desperate at one point. And this is, Like, you know, just desperate, absolutely desperate. At one point, and this is... I don't know if this sounds significant to you, but I remember it feeling significant to me. At one point, they had music on in the pub, and a song came on, and I said the words, I really love Jamiroquai.

Oh, my God. Can you... Look... Oh, that's a stinker right there like you know genuinely you know back in those days as well we were talking about right yeah those uh i really loved your milk um the point is that now you could like at least people can look at their phones and that's sort of like almost like a way of just sort of disguising disinterest. I'm talking late nineties. I'm talking, no one really had phones.

So like, they'd even look at other people at the bar having a really fun time or sort of like look anywhere, but at the person like, and like, I'd never been, I'd be telling, trying to tell funny anecdotes and stuff. Oh,

this is worse than Jamiroquai. I think actually, I remember going out for, for some drinks with this girl, again, that I really, really liked. And we were sitting there. We haven't, you know. And it wasn't going great.

And France 98 was on at the time. It was towards, I'd been out there. I'd told the story probably about me shitting myself to the girl. And it was to the later stages of the tournament. Ronaldo was fucking revved up and absolutely tearing. Actually, maybe it was 2002. Anyway, Ronaldo was playing um r9 and um i sat there and started going through his career and his stats to this girl like saying what a great player he was and sort of stood up to watch the

game with a couple of lads at the bar sort of thing and turn energy gone oh my so sad and pathetic something about men what we just think talking is you're doing the job i remember talking to you just reminded of another thing i told this girl whoa what are you listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 ford escape with available alexa built in so you can change the music. Oh yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with

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CUDO! Conditions apply I kept telling this girl about how I thought Bubba Sparks was really good, do you remember Bubba Sparks? Jesus Christ Oh God, he just done this song called Ugly You know what you've tried to do, you've tried to be cool haven't you I'm not saying that because I know that I can sometimes do this as a dickhead

but you've tried to be cool. Tom, I'm going to hold my hands up, mate. You're 100% correct. I was trying to be cool. I was trying to be like... I think to myself, if I say to her that I know some rapper she's not heard of, she's going to like...

I don't know, want to touch my penis or something. I don't know. Awful. Just awful. It is the worst feeling. This makes me so much happier that I don't know want to touch my penis or something I don't know awful just awful it is the worst feeling like you know this is this makes me so much happier

that I somehow got some sort of like chat for when I met my wife like all of that was just training for that the big moment

where I'd actually is that how you sit yeah the fact is I can sit with my wife now and we have a laugh we have a joke and we get on

we have the same sort of conversation. I'm telling you now, this is real. We're having the conversation we're having, and my blood has run cold. I genuinely feel cold. Multiple times that I was in scenarios. This is the worst one you can do. This is the worst one as a comedian.

Did you ever ask a girl to come and watch you do a gig early on? I mean, you were with Lisa, weren't you? I was with Lisa. And sadly, I did ask that poor girl repeatedly to come and watch me do a gig. But yeah, girl, what did you do? I remember asking a girl, this was before I was with Catherine, to come and watch me do stand-up.

Thinking, I'd roofed a few gigs, right? I think I'd done my first store and I was doing well. And I was really... You know when you sort of feel like, feel like i've got the hang of this but stand-up comedy is very much as we know it's like golf or anything and it's good i said to this girl to come and watch and it was even now makes me feel actually sick i was just so fucking bad i put so much pressure on it to be the best fucking person on stage that night um and i just was absolutely woeful like awful thinking back i think you know tom stayed yeah he was on that night

and in terms of some say it's an incredible comic and i had to sort of follow him and he absolutely tore the room apart and then i was going on after him with just like i look back now just think like i had this sort of faux confidence oh god when i walked out and i just saw and and afterwards i could tell she she thought i absolutely sucked at it it was like i'd never make any sort of living out of comedy you know and i was trying to sort of you know trying to say oh yeah sometimes that just happens and you sort of have a bad, because obviously when you die, there's a thing like people assume that heckling is the same as dying,

don't they, and stand up. Yeah. The two different things for me, like I've, I've had absolute fucking cracking gigs when I've been like fucking heckled and it's just a part of the,

everyone's got a bit giddy by the atmosphere. Dying is a whole new thing. Dying is, is like, like for me anyway it's like it's your funeral and everyone's quiet and waiting for your fucking coffin to leave the stage oh it's the quietness that that kills you dying on stage the thing that i always am conscious of because the truth is like you know we were doing this gig last night you and i and it's to get ourselves back to match fitness and to like be, be sharp again and blah, blah, blah.

And part of the thing that you've got to do as a comic, part of the process of becoming a better comic is you've got to be willing to die. You know, like, you've got to... Because if you don't... If you're too scared of dying on stage, you won't experiment enough, you won't try out enough stuff, you won't push yourself creatively but

sometimes when i you know when i've been doing new material and it's not been working and like you're trying to i become acutely aware of the fact that the people watching aren't going oh this guy's dying because he's developing and trying to push himself they're just going this guy is shit and i'll never see this person again do stand like like you know i've done new material gigs where i've been the worst i remember doing like when i was trying to work up this new tour i'd turn up with stuff i'd written that day everybody else would just fucking blast the shit out of it then i'd rock up and go oh so you know um socks what the fuck guys or something like that. I mean, I walk out and I go, these 200 people now think I'm the worst out of everyone here by a long way at standup. Do you know what I mean?

It's such a horrible, it's such a horrible feeling. And like that girl, you know, bearing in mind, that's the first time she's seen you. She'll just think you're shit at comedy for, even if you,

even if you did like, even if you did like three or four smasher gigs after that, and nobody calls them smasher gigs. I don't know where that came from, but like, even if you did like three or four smasher gigs after that, and nobody calls them smasher gigs, I don't know where that came from. But like, even if you did that, she's still got that thing in her mind, that stink of seeing you die. She went back to the area we're from

and told everyone I was shit at comedy and I wasn't going to make it. Even to this day, and I won't name them because that isn't fair, but people will turn around and say, oh my God, I remember when she went to watch you and she told us that, you know, it was so bad. Like, there's more people who revel in that

than any of my success. Mate, I had that happen, mate, with a fucking TV producer. And it wasn't even a death, right? Like, I can't name this person because they're quite big in the industry, right? But they got drunk. I was at're quite big in the industry, right? But they got drunk. I was at this party maybe a year ago, right?

And they came up to me and they were drunk. And they said, how's it going, blah, blah, blah. And then they told me this story that when I was doing my first Edinburgh, a load of like, you know when you're doing Edinburgh, I'm sort of saying this for the benefit of the of the animal pack than the new but like you know commissioners will turn up agents will turn up producers will turn up you know because it's a bit of it it's like an industry showcase thing there's one night where loads of them turned up to one show of mine like it was really like my first edinburgh and at this bar that night years and years later he told me

that he thought i was shit that night like he goes i just i just and then he said i just thought you had nothing about you and i told everyone like that we were at a drink we're talking about it afterwards and i just said to him i just don't think he's got anything and blah blah blah and he goes you know fair enough like fair play to you like you've proved me wrong and da da da but i just think to myself that could have been the end of i'd like do you know what i mean like i don't i don't know how that could have gone so much worse like basically a load of people that have an impact to put the potential gatekeepers to me like getting on in comedy this guy's like just watched me thought i was shit and just he was like sort of boasting to me about how how much he was saying to people because in a

couple of them said no i think he's got something i said no no no no you got that wrong he's not got anything there's so much weird about that like first of all to be that aggressive and willful about it to a load of people is one thing and And if, you know, they're mates or whatever, if that's the way they want to talk, why would you tell me that? Yeah. What am I supposed to get

from that chat? Do you know what I mean? It's so mad. It's that's the power. That is one of the most intense things, by the way, when you're up in Edinburgh and you get those fucking gigs

where people rock up and watch you. So I was staying with this Scottish guy who's a friend of a friend who just got out of like fucking prison and he was staying at a halfway guy who's a friend of a friend who just got out of, like, fucking prison. And he was staying at a halfway house.

And I went to stay at his house. Like, that was the only, you know, when you stay in Edinburgh, everything costs a fortune. Yeah. Right. He said to me, I don't want to fucking stay with me. Every fucking, I'm sorry if anyone's Scottish is listening. I'm too hungover to do a Scottish accent.

But he said, don't worry about money. So I get up there. And what don't worry about money was it meant was every day i'm going to ask you for between 20 and 50 quid that i can borrow uh so i can go let you go and get leather with it so i'm living with this fucking guy during edinburgh and every fucking day he's like hey big man can i come to your fucking gig i'll bring the boys and i'm like oh yeah yeah yeah i try to put him off put him off anyway in the end i go it's like a fucking sort of thursday or friday whatever and i'm like yeah you know what come down today come and watch the gig you know i hadn't sold many tickets or i you know there's sort of not a lot going on literally within seconds of me saying to him and telling him you know i put I put some tickets aside. I get a call from my agent saying, oh,

you've got some people from BBC, we've got some reviewers in, are all coming down, right? I'm like, oh shit. They come to the fucking gig, right? They treat the gig like it's fucking the Hacienda or fucking Yates is White. They've got

steaming before they come into the fucking gig, right? So I see them come in. I see some people that I know are fucking bigwigs from fucking production companies and all that sort of vibe. I'm looking around thinking, oh, no, this is not going to end well, right? So I start my gig, and I'm sort of doing my thing. And this guy sort of in the crowd is heckling. But nothing bad. It was he sort of, you know,

it was a latest show and he basically starts to heckle me, right? Which I'm fine with. I sort of, I've never worried about heckling. So I sort of started having a bit of a turn throw with him anyway. You know, and then he sorts of gets, and you're like, all right, I need to be getting some material. So I sort of said something. And then this fucking guy turns around and went,

ah, you keep on fucking talking man we'll fucking blow your head off your right the whole room just goes deadly quiet like like deadly quiet yeah and i i on my feet i'd go so that's the guy i'm staying with and he sort of stands up and takes a bow and then my head goes like i've got yeah like whatever the material that i've done for fucking 20 nights in edinburgh just fucking vacates my mind and i'm like oh shit i need to just like so i start telling the story which i think in my head is i'm actually doing right because there's laugh but there were laughs of fear do you know i mean there were laughs of the fact that people felt they had to laugh along because it's like and uh

at the end of the fucking gig anyway like this guy comes up to me uh a guy we both know quite well actually we've both worked with together um comes up and was like that was great until you the weird bit where you changed everything and started talking about the guy you're living with like what was that part of the show and i'm like i thought i've got to take a thing here. I've got to take a hit. Because if I say that, no, actually, no, he's a fucking psychopath who's threatening to shoot people.

So I just played along with the fact, no, no, no, no, no, that's a part of the show. It's sort of like, yeah. I don't know why I did that. And he was like, that's a big move to do. Because it's sort of,

you just completely changed the whole construct of the show. And he was like, it's quite edgy, it's quite different, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, no, no, no, you know, it's just why we're here we're trying to, it's fucking insane, and he went to me afterwards, he went

I went, what the fuck was that about? I'm like, why were you doing it? You can't do that in a comedy, and he went hey big man we'd all double drop pills before we came in should we do some emails let's put it into fucking Accelerate.

How do you think this ranks so far? Because we've had... I don't know what this is going to sound like by the time it gets to you guys. We've had a torrid time with this podcast today, haven't we? Well, look, let's go through it so far. Your headphones broke. Then my microphone broke.

Then I wasn't recording. You weren't screen recording. Then weren't getting an echo on and now we're we're in a situation where tom and i don't we're currently in the process of recording a podcast that we don't know if it will be usable or not so it's a in terms of commitment artistically quite challenging isn't it yeah it is yeah and also you know what it could just be such a big stinker that yeah and this is on the back of ordinarily you know what? It could just be such a big stinker that... Yeah. And this is on the back of, ordinarily you'd go, well, let's just not put it out.

It doesn't matter. We've been putting them out consistently. And then you remember that we didn't put out a bonus episode on Friday. That was my bad, by the way. No, no, no. There's no bad. But what I would say is,

this is probably, in the run of doing these, this might be the lowest we've ever been, I think. Yeah. Okay. So, emails. Thank you once again to The Swan for submitting the emails. I would like to say thank you on behalf of The Swan

to all the emails that I've seen. Oh, and look who's just walked in. The Swan has just walked in. She's flown in. She's holding up a sign. It says, can I take the mini yes you can all right bye-bye i love you mate what i love is the fact you have to enjoy bye-bye so um listen what i'm about to say to you is i don't know if we can put in the podcast i'm just going to say this very

very quickly okay um the reason that lisa is asking if she can take the minute yeah it's because and i don't know if this one's gonna i'm gonna have to check with this one if i'm allowed to include this um but if it does get included if you do hear this story now please can you send email in some support for this one because she's feeling really bad about this so the other day she ran into the house i was i was like getting ready it's early morning she come back from pt she runs in freaking out she goes rubbish can you come downstairs can you come downstairs now now as you know one of the most unflappable people around lisa right yeah so i'm thinking it sounds this has got like what's happened. It's like one of the kids hurt or whatever.

And I run downstairs. She has come back from PT. She's in a rush because she wants to get Alex off to something. In her rush, she's gone to put on what she thinks is the brake on our driveway. Pushed the accelerator. And basically, I walk out onto the driveway and I see our driveway. Pushed the accelerator and basically I walk out onto the driveway and I see our car halfway into the garage.

Like she's just driven straight into the garage. Like straight in. Buckled the door? Not buckled the door, mate. Taking it off the front. Like it's gone inside the garage and like smashed through the stuff.

The brickwork's coming down. Like it was like... What the, like it's gone inside the garage and like smash through the stuff. The brick works coming down. Like it was like, mate, it was mad. Oh my God. The post one. Do you know what I felt bad about was obviously that doesn't matter. You know,

it's irritating to try and not irritating. There's a faff and sorting that out. You've got to get in touch with insurance companies or whatever, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a nothing. She was so worried and upset about it that it made me feel guilty about how she thought i was going to react to it do you know what i mean like it was obviously i do give a shit but i don't nobody's hurt i don't you know

i just sort of don't care like you know it happens it's an accident i'm just not worried about it like it's fine but she was so like just so shaken up and upset but the other thing is is and this is the reason why this might not make the cut is she's also deeply embarrassed about it right you know and so i've sort of like was testing the water about when it's okay to sort of make a joke about it you know i mean like so i'd sort of she'd sort of go you'd sort of be talking about something else and i'd go uh well we best not put it in the garage eh because that's not secure or something like that

and she still wasn't okay to joke about it and then I think she was playing with the idea of not telling anyone that it had happened but then what happened is one of our I think it might have been Alex went to stay over at his mates the other night

and just fucking told the family everything. My guy. My guy, Alex. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m.

Okay. W's classic breakfast on now. Dine in only until 11am. Okay, so anyway, thanks to The Swan, who in between the brick clear up has managed to select some emails for us. So, greetings to The Wolf, Owl and Swan. Bearing in mind, by the way, that this guy wants to be anonymized, he's included his

name quite a lot in the body of the email. Big fan of the podcast, it's been a great joy listening on to over the last month the following situation i'd like to get some advice on last year a good friend of mine got out of a long-term relationship and for all the years we've known each other she's been in that relationship so although i would develop stronger feelings for her in times we're hanging out a lot i'd always keep them in check since for me it was quite clear she would end up marrying her then boyfriend sincefriend. Since the breakup, however, we've been having much more contact than earlier

and conversations always feel slightly moving into a more flirtatious area. That led to me making my feelings to a known one date. By the way, Anonymous, congratulations for having the bollies to do that because that's a big move. Also, just to throw out there, what an absolute gentleman. We have a gentleman on our hands here. Because he's waited. He's waited.

He loved her with all his heart. He loved her with all his mind. But he still let her, you know. And on top of that, he hasn't done that muggy thing that Andrew Lincoln did in Love Actually, where you rock up to your best friend's house and you basically make it quite clear that you that you're in love with is what but you pretend that it's noble because you've done some sort of secret undercover i really love

you and actually i'm pretending this has got no agenda but it has got a deep agenda i actually wanted to leave he's my worst character in that film awful oh and then you know as you know him and alan rickman shout out alan rickman actor, but he's a piece of shit in that film. He is, yeah. But that bit where Andrew Lincoln walks away from the house and goes, that's enough now. Enough. No, mate. Too much.

That's what that is. Do you know what I mean? Also the creepy video that he took. Oh, mate. Love aside, even if you were both single and you took that video you fucking sex pest

yeah how is that okay oh it's worse if you're single actually yeah it is anyway well look this guy is no Andrew Lincoln

the guy that's anonymous fella is an absolute maverick he's a real absolute G mate that led to me making my feelings

known to her one day and it turned out she seemed to have these feelings as well. After some time, though, she told me she was still quite overwhelmed with the breakup and needed time to figure stuff out, which I understood, and decided to keep the talk about feelings on the down low in our following conversation.

These conversations have all been via phone or text message since we live quite far apart from each other, and the pandemic hasn't helped that. But in four weeks, the plan for me is to visit her in her town, which I was pretty excited for, since I hoped we were going to get to the bottom of the mutual feelings for each other. Now, a week ago, after a few days of no contact, she texted me and very nonchalantly told me

she's decided to try to patch things up with her boyfriend. The fact she's getting back with him is actually not what got to me, but rather the way she told me, like I was just a random friend. It really felt very insensitive. It's her thing to do what she wants, but her telling me this without addressing the fact that i told her how i felt about it just a few months earlier really appalled me and i haven't had contact with her since so my question to the wolf for now would be should i get in touch to let her know that i was really disappointed in the way she decided to tell me about the whole situation or is that her

obligation to figure out that maybe she'd have handled it differently and contact me to work it out at the moment i'm not very interested in going to visit her with this situation between us. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Greetings, Anonymous. Tom, would you like to go first? Yeah, I'm flying in two-footed, mate. And let me say, we have had a lot of emails

here, and yes, I've said this a number of times, but this guy is an absolute genius. I mean, you are a G, my my friend you are a cast iron sweet i've said the sweet sweet soul but bro wow listen i'm gonna say now without any question or any doubt or any agenda is you you need to text this woman and say to her because you need closure on this and when i say closure you are not going to and i'm being firmly you know you're not going to see her mate that like you have been a respectful say, and I'm being firm with you now, you're not going to see her, mate.

That, like, you have been a respectful guy. You've been very, very sweet to her. I think you should send her a text. I don't think you make, don't make that text by,

in any way confrontational. I think you need to make that text and just say, look, you know, we've, you know, we've had a lot of discussions. You know,

I've opened my heart, dah, dah, dah to you. And I feel that this is, this is, you know, look, she's, she's, she um, and I feel that this is, this is, you know, look,

she's, she's, she's, she's got her own story. She's got her own narrative to this. I think if you've both chatted about your feelings for one another and your friendship is as solid as you say is, I think you're due and you're worth a little bit more than just a text saying that, you know, a nonchalant text, I think at least a phone call to say, look, you know, I'm sorry, this is how I feel. And that's fine. But just a little text just feels, it doesn't,

it feels that you're, you're due a little bit more than that. And if I'm honest with you, mate, I think it feels that that whole thing is quite complicated and it's, you know, maybe I'm wrong on this situation, but I think she,

you know, let her sell her race, let her go her way. Maybe if you're destined to be together, you'll get back together and, you know, you'll get together and things will be fine. But I think as it stands, you've spent quite a long time sort of hoping for a relationship with someone who's ungettable.

I've been in this position. It's a horrible, horrible place to be. Yeah, I mean, I've been in a situation where a woman I've liked is ungettable. And's a horrible, horrible place to be. Yeah. I mean, I've been in a situation where a woman I've liked is ungettable. And for me, ungettable is any woman. I would just say, um,

Tom, this is quite unusual because I quite strongly disagree with you on this. Really? Yeah. There's certain things I agree with. The first thing I would say is I think this guy that's emailed in is a great guy, a really great guy. Right. And I think this guy that's emailed in is a great guy a really great guy right and i think the way that you've handled yourself mate has been impeccable

yeah and so what i'm about to say i don't think you're going to like but i want you to understand that as within the framework of thinking that you i think you've handled yourself immaculately this is what i personally think right i think that this girl is going through a difficult situation, right? And she's inadvertently been inconsiderate, okay? But she's in a situation where she's been in a really long-term relationship. Those things make you lose perspective. They're very difficult to process. And she is caught up with trying to make that work right and unfortunately as a result of

that you've been a victim of her in your to your mind being her being nonchalant about telling you that that she's getting back with her boyfriend what i would say to you is and you might not feel like this there is no way she could have delivered that information to you and you've been all right about it i'm just telling you this now she is telling you something you don't want to hear there is no way that she could have said that to you there is no way she could have addressed that that left you feeling all right about it because the truth of the matter is you're really into her and there is no way you would have felt okay so the truth is while you feel like she might have been nonchalant about it,

a lot of this is the fact that you're not hearing what you want to hear. That is what, I'm sorry, but that is partly where your reaction is coming from. What I would say in regards to what Tom said is, listen, I don't know if you should text her, man. I think that you've behaved really, really well. But the fact of the matter is this might not might not be the one do you mean i think in that case though rob then he has to text him to say fair enough you know good luck with it i think what i'm saying he needs is is he needs absolute closure

because sure he do you know what tom i do i do agree with you that he does need closure but i don't think i don't think any good can come from you texting her to say i'm disappointed in the way that you that you handled that i think you just be sort of really honest about it and say something along the lines of i really thought that there might be a possibility of of something happening with us you can understand why i might be disappointed that that's not the case can i just finally clarify should i just put this to bed permanently you know you can say that in in the way that you would say that and see what she says man you know i mean because for all you know she might be thinking i don't know whether i should

go back with this guy or get with you but she doesn't know how committed you are to your feelings so what tom is saying is right to be crystal clear about what the situation is is always going to be the best strategy I think the truth of the matter is she doesn't owe him anything that's not what I'm getting at I think the truth of the matter the big thing of it is

if he has said his feelings and they have now had this flirtatious there just needs to be an element of this is over for, you know, I mean, I guess that's what she's done. She's texted him to say,

I'm going to try and make a run of this. Yeah. Maybe like you say, that's not come out. I just think, I suppose it's, I know, I've been through this situation.

I went through this before I was with Catherine, you know, a couple of years before I was with Catherine, I went through this whole scenario and it's a really hard position to be in where you're like, you're trying to be a decent person. You're trying to be good. You're trying to give that person their space to work their shit out. I just think that he's now got to a position where you just need to think about yourself.

And by all means, if you've got a really good relationship with her as friends, make sure you, you know, if you can somehow make that work for yourself then make that work if that's worth hanging on to you for you but i think the truth of the matter is you need to just draw a line over the room under the romantic side of this and march on uh good luck good luck brother okay do you want to do one more tom yes sir go on bye bye uh this is from uh badger wow uh there's a guy that used to drink at my dad's pub called badger wasn't it in your show no it wasn't called badger it's called lemon that's it yeah okay dear wolf alan swan i apologize for not writing your names in full uh thank you for taking the time to deal with my recent dilemma.

It's an absolute madness getting talked about on your favourite podcast. So this is the guy who emailed us. Do you remember the guy that emailed us about his wife having a bit of a past? It was like the talk of the village or whatever. So he's called himself Badger. Okay. Did he call himself Badger last time? I can't remember.

I don't think he did, no. Dear Warren Swan, thank you for taking the time to deal with my recent dilemma here's an update uh my wife opened up about her past a bit of her own volition and she was more ashamed than she let on she didn't want me to think any less of her because of the things that she did i reassured her that her past is her business but i hated the thought of people talking the way that they did behind her back we talked for hours until it turned into the biggest laugh session we've had since our daughter was born it was a top trumps of shit sexual encounters um i'd love to do that with lisa just tell her about the three times i've done it in terms of the guy who was a prick about my wife he did a remix of his old line before half term

when my wife joined us on the school pickup she fronted him up and told him she had no recollection of him and showed him how much he drank back then if she did it showed him how much he drank back then if she did he looked crestfallen the look was beautiful fuel for the rest of this week it occurred to me that he felt like he had something over me but my wife's actions took all his power away still want to smash his face into a pulpy mess though but that's my own separate issue ultimately thank you for the taking the time to consider provide advice and guidance communication is so important i dread to think where my head would have been without your intervention you two joke about your ability to help but you truly have

thanks again badger wow badger and you know uh your lady i mean she sounds like an incredible human being right yeah and and like, good for you both. I wish you joy and I wish you salvation. That's very true. Badgett, can I just say to you, on a day where Tom and I may have committed not only our worst podcast, but the worst podcast... LAUGHTER

..to the internet, to receive that email from you actually has been a massive tonic so uh thank you very much brother for that thank you and i'm glad things have worked out my guy uh tom we don't know if this podcast is going to make it it's very likely that after this you're going to text me and go maybe we should just have a week of of not having them out and start up again on friday i don't know what you're going to say to me i don't know how you're going to text me and go maybe we should just have a week of not having them out and start up again on friday i don't know what you're going to say to me i don't know how you're feeling about it but could you please just in case this does make it to public make it i can't even

yeah can you take us out please there was two rats and they were scouring among the filth and dirt of the sewers. And one of them found like a old packed lunchbox full of like a kid had thrown it in the sewer basically because he didn't want to eat his packed lunch. And it had like sandwiches in and what's-its and a club biscuit bar. And this rat is over the moon with it and he's yeah wolfing it down uh the other rat is like oh my god like he's searching around hoping for a to find a another lunchbox because his friend isn't sharing it uh and he comes across a bar of gold and the rat with a packed lunchbox wets himself laughing he's like oh my god like what is that you can't eat you can't do anything with it right and the rat is a bit crestfallen

he's absolutely on his ass he looks at the gold and he thinks this is absolutely worth this you know that guy's basically got like he man packed lunchbox and he's scouring through it and he's the winner of the day anyway he takes the gold bar and he goes back to their like little rat house like they're holding the wall that i live in in an old lady's house and um one of the wiser rats turns around and says oh my god felius that's what where did you find that and the rat is like what do you mean he's like where did you find that and he's like i found it in the sewer it's worth, where did you find that? And he's like, I found it in the sewer. It's worth this.

It's just an old stone. He said, no, my boy, no, Felius. That is gold. That is gold. That is worth a lot of money. So Felius is like, what? This is crazy. So basically, Felius goes to the bank with the gold he puts in his suit,

and he goes to the bank with the gold and um he turns around and he says to the bank manager look now i found this gold in the sewer and the bank manager is like oh my god this is this is worth like eight thousand pounds at the current price this amount of gold um felix is like wow fucking hell this is amazing sort of thing he doesn't really have much idea of what eight8,000 is. But he knows enough to put a suit on and go to the bank. Yeah. He gets his £8,000 and he takes it in cash.

And he basically walks out and he just looks opposite is a supermarket. So he goes in the supermarket and he buys sandwiches for all of the Rat Pack. He buys it and what what's its and everything and takes like it all home with him and all the rats are standing there and they're all excited and he walks in with food for everyone and everyone's oh my god wow look in food like you know this is so kind of you and he said look we can eat like that we can eat like kings forever you know tesco's is cheap and we have like you you know, 7,985 pounds left, right? And then the rat who ate the packed lunchbox looks over

and he sees everyone laughing and the fit, you know, and he says, brother, I suppose you didn't buy me a sandwich for I didn't share with you. And he looks at him and he says, yes, I did buy you a sandwich because sometimes with life the wealth of eight thousand pounds is nothing compared to seeing my kin eat and be happy other people's happiness that truly is the real wealth of life that what a lovely what a lovely story about a rat that couldn't identify gold but could go and sort out a meeting with a bank manager.

Do you think this... Do you think there's a possibility that you might have telegraphed a reveal on that story by starting it by going, he finds a bar of gold. I wonder where this is going to go. So that rat's got a fat lunchbox.

And the other rat's just got gold. And he doesn't think it's worth anything. I wonder how this is going to pan out. Oh, God. Mate, do you know what? I'm going to tell you this now. That last email and that closing to the episode, you've just made this.

So thank you, mate. Well, you know what? This has been saved by a rat and a badger. God bless you both. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.