Wolf and Owl - Episode 3

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

We’re talking… lookalikes, pub lunches, flatmate quandaries and scriptwriting advice. Oh, and some more on Christmas trees too. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment Breakfast, on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.

Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right. Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Welcome to the Wolf and Owl podcast. This is me, Ramesh.

I'm me, Tom. Okay, the wolf. Now, you're going to be hearing this very crystal clear, and you'll be enjoying this, but the reason we're sort of talking to you now is that I need to warn you that what you're hearing now... Let me jump in here. Romesh's mic is terrible.

Romesh's mic was an absolute joke. And it's in episode three, maybe put the whole podcast at jeopardy i wouldn't say put the whole podcast in jeopardy what happened was is there was an issue with my we recorded the episode last night we sent it off to james the editor and it turns out that while Tom's sound is crystal clear, and by the way, I'm having a fucking shocker at the moment, while Tom's sound is crystal clear, I sound like I'm on an illegal phone

line from South America or some shit. I sound like I'm holed up in a cave somewhere in Nicaragua and I've managed to find a phone and we've decided to... a phone and I've just we've decided to and the first thing cool you've made is you find someone to do yeah I said Tom Tom listen I've got great news I'm a prisoner but forget

about that let's deal with that in a bit on the positive side we can get this podcast episode out so listen I've listened to podcast episodes where the sound is shit and it's really annoying. So I just want to apologize. This is me apologizing. And when you listen to the episode, you'll hear, this is very much in keeping with this episode because I would describe myself as very much,

this is my on the back foot episode, I would say. Yeah. Tom gets a little bit of, I don't know, sort of, I don't know how to explain it. There's a Kool-Aid issue with Tom Davis on this episode, I would say. He's got a bit of swagger from the Christmas tree thing. Yeah, yeah.

And I'd say that I'm Tyson Fury coming in against Wilder and you're very much Wilder in that first fight. You know, so. I mean, it's just so, you know what, it just gives me such an insight into how you see yourself. I mean, let's face it, a lot of people look at me and think Tyson Fury.

I don't think that's something that's like unique to me. I'm not the only person who's ever looked to me and gone, hey, Bez. Sort of like really, really sort of slight resemblance. I mean, we're going to get on to ever looked at me and go hey bez a sort of like really really sort of slight resemblance i mean we're going to get into resemblances anyway because yeah let's we just let the podcast roll so basically i'm very very sorry about the sound it's still a great episode you're going to enjoy it i just need you to imagine that i'm phoning it in. I don't mean creatively. I mean that I'm phoning in my contribution.

It'll just help you. It'll help you understand the sound quality. I apologize, but I've got it sorted now. It's going to be the, the one facing now is we've done three episodes, two of the three episodes. My sound has been shit.

So I just, I just want to categorically apologize for that. Okay. Anyway, well for now, episode three. Tom Davis, Romesh Ranganathan. Ha-ha!

Woo-hoo! Sorry about the sound. Yeah. Yeah, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred.

They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served. Bring your weak shit where the wolf and owl are. That ain't just a mistake. Outro Music Never sheep's clothing, dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear's a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Welcome to the Wolf on Air podcast episode three Big things, big things, episode three man

Yeah, how do you think uh oh sorry i'm joined by tom davis the wolf yeah yeah i think people know that now actually this is uh this is uh the first thing i want to digress um the i've been getting a lot of messages about the tom davis that you have been doing the hosting with there's a different picture it's not me so this this so basically on the is this this is on the the apple podcast app or is it on every right so on the apple podcast app if you look up the wolf and our podcast you by the way a lot of people have been highlighting so basically there's a picture of a different tom davis he looks, the best way to describe it is, if you remember the film Teen Wolf,

and if you remember when, when Michael J. Fox first turns into a wolf, and his dad's at the bathroom door, and then he opens the bathroom, and his dad's also turned into, that is what this Tom Davis looks like, is Teen Wolf's dad. Well,

you know, I have beef with with well not beef because beef sounds out of order i have a history with this guy what's your history so that guy that guy is tom davis that guy's tom davis that guy is tom davis um as far as i'm aware he was a writer on saturday night live okay and uh i think he wrote trading places ed, Eddie Murphy, Dan Aykroyd. Right. And he's in that film as well. He's actually got a bit of pedigree as a writer.

So when I first signed with my first ever agent. It's slightly insulting to me that you would tell me the cast of Trading Places. No, but I know it's a cool film. It's not Star Wars, is it? You know what I mean? Okay. All right, carry on. Yeah, I'm just saying.

Just in case you didn't know. No, I do know. I do know training places. But also for listeners out there who might not know. Sure. I know that your audience is a younger one, and you've been quite a youthful audience at times. Don't start backtracking on what you think of my audience. Right, so listen.

My agent basically starts putting me forward for writing jobs when I first started staying stand-up. And then one company's really, really excited that I'm coming into the writer's room because they think it's Tom Davis who's thrown over from New York, who's written on Saturday Night Live and Trading Places and a fucking oink out of Sutton comes in.

And yeah, I was literally ejected quite quickly after. But then when that guy passed away, God rest in peace, my agent got a load of calls then about quotes and stuff. quite quickly after. But then when that guy, that guy passed away, God rest in peace, he, my agent got a load of calls then about like quotes and stuff. So, he's followed me around.

James DeFront, the director that you know well, my friend James. James started... Our friend James. Our friend James DeFront. Yeah, yeah.

Our friend, yeah, of course. He, he thought it was hilarious to, for ages, whenever I was getting credited on imdb to put that face up so that that fucking face has followed me around for a long long time and i thought i'd i'd sort of like i'd outgrown the dead tom davis but it seems that i'm glad there's a photo haunting you first of all the other the other thing I would say about that photo selection is my photo on that

looks fucking hideous as well. I wish I had a dead Romesh Ranganathan that I could blame that on. It's just me that looks like an absolute piece of shit in that photo. You look like you're trying to be cool at a really, really average awards ceremony. It looks like... It looks like you're at the soap awards. It looks like I'm at the

crawly branch of the uh rts awards super super local i love that either side of you in that picture was k and mark kane and marlin dingle so when i was in when i did um just now i've been in la right it's part of the one of the episodes of that show i went to do one of the things well you know better than i do tom you've got a much more extensive uh acting background on me one of the things that they're obsessed with doing is getting headshots right so it was yeah so so when i went to that this is something that i just hadn't it hadn't occurred to me that this is a thing, you know,

like I hadn't taken those types of photos. So when we were in LA, one of the episodes was me going to like a Hollywood photographer and getting these headshots, right? So she said to me, and they, by the way, they say this totally fucking straight face, right? So she goes to me, there's a number of different roles that people tend to book someone that looks like you for she goes terrorist she said it's so straight face she goes terrorist right somebody that works in like a an it hardware store or whatever like a a best buyer someone like that right uh then she

said i can't i can't work the other two words it's a photographer your age the photographer the photographer the photographer so she's like trying to get me headshots that she's thinking are going to be the most useful, you know, like when these, like, casting companies ask for a photo. You just had a computer. Yeah. No, basically, do you know what it was? It's not even that, mate.

Do you know what it was? It was me wearing, like, one of those uniform polos, like a bright red polo with, like, a, hi, my name is. Like you worked at, like, PC World or something. Yeah, hi, my name is Rajesh or whatever on a so anyway one of the photos i was obviously sort of taking the piss because we're doing it for for the show and then like one of the photos um she goes to me just try sexy or like brooding right so i did it for a laugh that photo gets used on so many fucking things now, man. It's like that photo. I can't get rid of that photo.

And so like loads of times when a show gets announced, they'll put that photo off and I'm just like, but the problem is Tom, I'm saying that to you, you I'll show you that photo and you think, and I guarantee you'll just go, well, I don't see the difference between that and any other photo you've done.

But to me, I just know, man, it's such a, I just know what I was doing. When you're either of us and i had to do a photo shoot for uh like a fucking magazine thing uh last year and the guy like firstly there was a dresser there who they were like yeah they're trying to make it sound all cool and she's like oh we've got someone here she's got you loads of designer clothes you can wear for the photo shoot. I get there and it's like nothing fucking fitted.

Right. And the guy's like, well, he'll have to wear his own clothes, which essentially is like playing, like that's like playing pee in your underpants. Let the monster wear whatever special clothes he's brought with it. Sorry,

that wasn't a slam on you, but like, that's how they make you feel isn't it or there was one shirt that just about fitted and they were like yeah if we do this one from the back it will really work and i'm like no and that thing of like when you're standing there and they're like you know just look really really look silly and fun and you're like not not one part of me can do that without thinking of all of my mates that I grew up with looking in a window at me going, look what's he become. It's a really, it's a really strange thing.

I didn't have a headshot, you know, until last year. That was the first time I did. Yeah, never had a headshot until last year. My agent used to call me all the time, like, you need to get a headshot done. And I just, my head, you know, a headshot until last year. My agent used to call me all the time, like, you need to get a headshot done. And I just, my head, you know, my headshot genuinely was a picture that James DeFron took in a pub garden in Croydon. That was my headshot for eight years.

You know, when people say to you, you know, acting-wise, do I need an agent and headshots? I'm like, no. You need to be good at acting. Worry about that. Then the rest will come. Yeah. That's what you have. Drop in some education there it'll all come yeah that's what you're better

at dropping some education there yeah no that's good man it's like fuck you've got to preach on these assholes man you know i mean fucking dropping tom davis is dropping signs you youngers need to fucking learn listen yeah man do you know what one of the things happened to me was when early on i had a headshot i didn't have a headshot i just had like a standard photo that my agents at the time had just stuck up on i'm sorry well i love you to death right you have loads of headshots like you there's i have a library of at least 30 headshots of yours on my phone that I can scroll through. Yeah, but do you know, okay, first of all... I still remember your first Edinburgh picture.

Do you know, one of my first Edinburgh posters, right, when I did my first solo show, the show was called Rom-Com, and it's me with Lisa, Theo and Alex, our elder two.

Charlie hasn't been born yet. And we're at Brighton Beach, and I'm just looking off to the side, and Lisa and the kids are looking away, right? And my agent said, I really like that photo at the time. Now I hate it, but at the time I liked it. But my agent said, you can't have it because you're not looking down the barrel of the camera. And so you can't use it as a thing. So we got into a massive thing.

But I will say this, right? And I know that you're a very, look, we're very good mates. And one of the things that I know about you is you worry because you and I have the same kind of hang ups. You worry about how you talk to me about my appearance. I'm just going to tell you this now right i don't think there is a single photo of me looking down the barrel of the camera that is okay and and that's as as crosses to bear go that's fine but there is not a single photo where i am looking directly down the camera that there isn't something like that that looks wrong or looks creepy or looks or looks hideous even like there's one where i remember when we went to that sky event right and i was wearing i was wearing that suit or whatever and i was a sick suit by the way well thank you but i remember you saying

to me oh you look good, you look good, right? You look good today. You're really good, brother. It's a really nice thing for you to say. And then just before we got into our cars, we got photographed. There was some guy just waiting outside for all the – and he wasn't expecting a shift to start that early. We didn't anticipate that two people would have such low self-esteem

that they would leave the event that early on in June of proceedings, right? So he took a photo of me, right? And I actually got into the car afterwards. I thought, I might, you know, when that photo comes out, I think it might be all right. That photo is a fucking disgrace. I've not seen it.

It's just horrendous. Mate, I had a photo that night with you where i actually that the photo i've got with you is okay i had a photo that night with with jamie freddy and harry and i look it's the worst picture ever i genuinely look like like sort of some weird fucking fan that sprinted up i look out of breath in a fucking picture. Yeah, but I've seen that photo. In that photo, is that the one where you're looking across at Jamie? Yeah, yeah.

That's a bad look. I'm going to tell you that now. It's nothing to do with your physical appearance. It's just a bad look. It's just a bad look. It's one of those photos that can be used in the meme. I just want somebody to look at me the way tom davis looks at jamie redd at the sky event it's so fucking hard though they're the worst ones those

pictures yeah people out of sympathy will say oh you're not really really good in that picture while you can see their eyes just sort of like sort of undressing jamie and fred do you know one of the things that i find really sort of annoying about it is like i've talked about being ugly on stage right or being unattractive on stage and when you do it it's very difficult to get that that to work because people feel uncomfortable about you saying that right yeah and a lot of the time people go you'll hear you'll actually hear people go no no and i get that what they're doing what they're doing is trying to be nice but it's all very well so it's all very well saying that in the room but

I still look like this when I leave the gig so so for you to sort of give me that sympathy noise in the moment it doesn't suddenly make me attractive I have to live my life like this right so I appreciate you going i appreciate you going oh you shouldn't say that but i should right i should based on my life experiences i absolutely should it's such a funny thing but someone thinks by a really disingenuous no no no you're gonna go actually you're right yeah 41 years of feeling like i look like a fucking piece of warmed up dog shit it's completely fucking evaporated you know you know what you told me what that no it means it doesn't mean that i'm attractive

what it means is i can't do stand-up about it. You've even, you've taken that away from me. No, no. What it means is, what it means is, you fucking feel worse about my fucking physical appearance than I do. It makes you feel sadder because I've had, I've had many a year

to fucking get, get a grip with this. But you, you feel fucking, you feel so sorry for me. Um, but look, Tom,

um, it's very lovely to, to see you. if you're at christmas tree a lot of talk about the christmas tree well listen i want to talk about this christmas tree thing because because you were wrong and i was right there's a lot of people have got in contact with me to say it felt a little bit like david goliath um the way you take it David Goliath? You kidding? Oh, mate. See that fucking in that David Goliath. No, but you're David, are you, in this scenario?

Yeah, yeah, and you're Goliath. Right. It's the only time that you'll be Goliath. Right. And what is that? Goliath, the sort of one-eyed giant. Is that what you're talking about? No, no, because you've got, like, you were, going into into that battle yeah you were by far everyone would put money on on that you being right me being wrong oh 100 and and and i'm gonna tell you this now a lot of people have come to me by

the way saying oh i feel like i could stand up to my husband or i could feel like stand up to my big brother the way you stood up to ramesh somebody said, I feel like I'm going to stand up to my big brother. Somebody got in touch with you and said, I feel like I'm going to stand up to my big brother. Sorry, Tom. Have you been spending your time at a primary school? No. The guy was an adult. was 24 25 he's obviously got a domineering older brother okay what he said to me it was a way that

i held like i handled okay first of all yes what i would say to you is and by the way before you started into this kind of this person said this and this person said she had the strength to leave her husband because of listening to how we were doing how you were doing a bit of the podcast right before we start getting into that okay all right i first of all i was starting to i was going into an apology actually okay okay because the truth is i went in with not knowing enough and i went in too hard on you there i went in two-footed without having all the facts and actually i deserved that embarrassment all right i did deserve that embarrassment and i'd go further to say a lot of people have got in touch with me to say one

that that christmas tree pissy thing is actually incredibly common and in fact there is a there is a i think there's a breed of tree nicknamed the cat's piss spruce or something, because they smell of it. The cat's piss spruce. And also, other people said to me, how humiliating it was, the way that I sort of got owned by you there.

So, yeah. What do you mean, how humiliating? Well, do you know what I mean? For someone to be sort of outmanoeuvred. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo.

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great minds going head to head and i think i think but there's been a shift in our relationship since that moment i think there was like you know i think going into that battle it was a little bit i think you were like um uh wilder and i was like fury in that battle. I'm giving you the fucking win here. Why'd you have to do this? That's the last thing I'll say about it now. Okay. Yeah, we've got some more stuff, yeah?

Well, no, I've got an email, an official email from an expert. Okay, so remember you requested an expert. So this email is fromnor gallagher right uh the email goes hi both first my credentials i run an urban agricultural company called a lot me in london and i also consult for one of the biggest christmas tree companies in new york and they regularly talk about how to make your tree last and not smell like piss okay so this is actually a common problem basically when you buy a real tree it should be given a fresh cut at the base so it can soak up water over time the tree attempts to scab over the cut by producing sap the sap clogs up the pores in the cut so that it can no longer soak up water the pissy smell comes from the

stagnant water that sits at the base of the tree. In the US, where live trees are much more common, people do a range of things to avoid the piss smell. For example, like putting Sprite in the base instead of water. Oh, really? That's from Connor Gallagher. Big fan of both your work.

Keep it up. So there you go. Sprite, yeah? Would just 7-Up work, do you think? Or can you email him back and say, would 7- seven up work because because sprite is so difficult to get hold of no i'm just saying just if there's mate at the moment we live in a world where something like sprite could be completely ostracized so what do you mean sprite could be ostracized well that you won't be able to get hold of it anymore i I think, okay, I'm just going to say,

I think Sprite's easier to get hold of than 7-Up. Can I just put that out there? Really? I think so. Doesn't 7-Up feel like a bit more of an old-school drink than Sprite? Sprite feels a bit more of the moment, doesn't it? Yeah. I wish I hadn't said that out loud.

Maybe, like, for you hipsters, Sprite is the thing, right? Oh, my God. Do you know what I don't like? It's this Christmas tree thing that's giving you a bit of swagger that I really don't like. Right. But go on. Yeah.

No, Sprite is a hip, like, for you youngsters knocking about with your fucking Sprites and your fucking baggy jeans and your fucking roll-up fags, right? The thing about 7-Up, yeah? Yeah. 7-Up is a classic drink what my worry is that you know i'd put seven up in there because i'm a seven up guy i'll only have coke i ain't gonna roll down the same street as pepsi you know okay tom tom tom that's to drink right yeah yeah

so this is for stopping your Christmas tree smelling of piss. So why do you give a shit what drink you put on the tree? So what you're saying is, well, I prefer drinking 7-Up, so I'm going to use 7-Up. What the fuck are you talking about? What about our whites? I think we just, yeah, I mean, I don't want to make two big shows about Christmas trees, right? No.

Because I've already won that battle. But I just want to know just just before we you know just before we go if you can just email him back almost this is near nothing to the show just a thing for me if you email and go hi this is ron on behalf of me and tom tom wants to know could you was with seven up work as well as right by the way for people that are listening to this podcast and you're sort of hearing the smugness and the kind of self-satisfaction in tom davis's voice in that that's your fault that is your fault for getting in touch and going on about how he's been vindicated or whatever now you see this is what you get you deserve this this sort of honestly you don't know this i want to zoom with him now

the fucking look on his face he looks like the cat who's got the cream. I was going to extend that metaphor, but that's the end for me. Anyway, let's put the Christmas tree thing to bed. The Christmas tree thing is to bed. I mean, this guy, Connor, Connor has offered to come onto the podcast. I think we've got it cleared.

We've got it. Yeah, it feels like, you know, thank you, Connor, for offering. Keep in touch. We might need him for other stuff. It's good to know the sort of people we have in our arsenal yeah absolutely absolutely there might be something about bushes or i don't know cactuses that you can get in touch with at a later date we uh we've put up our tree this year oh yeah how's it looking i put it up yesterday uh i say i put up we put it up yesterday uh lisa I put it up. We put it up yesterday. Lisa reminded me, my wife Lisa reminded me,

that we argue every year we put the tree up. Is this a point of contention for you? Yeah, most of it. I didn't remember this. Apparently the first year that Lisa and I were going out together or living together, we were putting the Christmas tree up. This is like early days so this is like when i was still trying to impress her not now when it's just like a husk

so i was oh apparently we put the lights up and we're trying to untangle the lights and i got pissed off with the way that she was doing it right and i went to bed what in a strop apparently really that's have you done that before like you might i mean if you've done about christmas was was going to bed in the strop i think you did back when no but that's why that was so much of such a surprise because it's so out of character like i just don't like lisa and i don't really lose our temper or get stroppy or anything you Do you know what? We're in a position now where I will spend ages unravelling the lights because I've hurriedly

put them in a fucking box when they've come down like in January. And Catherine, I know now that I've got nothing to do when it comes to decorating the tree. Like whatever,

I'll put some baubles up and she'll go, they're all clustered or they're too far apart. This one should be there. But she'll try and like engage me to take part, but nothing I can do on a tree's right yeah i just now i'll just be putting sprite

in him so you will put sprite oh yeah i'm gonna try that now yeah try it let's report back to us i've got a fake tree so have you really wow what is that really bad i just think it's cool to have a real one i mean but then your ethics are different, aren't they? What do you mean? Well, the whole vegan thing and all that. What's that got to do with having a real Christmas tree now? Well, I think you can't spend 11 months of the year running around town telling everyone you're a vegan

and you're defending the earth and then have a fucking real tree in your front room when people come round. I mean, if any year, this would be the year to have had one just to see how you get on with it okay but but i eat vegetables right i mean i don't this is what this is the thing about about um non-vegans right all right yeah it's like is this kind of non-vegan banter that you have to put up with you can't have a real christmas tree in your house because you're a vegan. You've been running around town

telling people not to harm plants. No. I haven't been running around town telling people not to harm animals. I don't give a shit what you do. No, no, no. But what I'm saying is, ethically, that's why people don't have Christmas trees, right?

Because of the ozone layer and stuff. That's why people don't have Christmas trees. Is that true? I ozone layer and stuff. That's why people don't have Christmas trees. Is that true? I think so, yeah. Do you know what? I've got to the point now where I'm so fucking damaged, confidence-wise. You can tell me anything now as a fact

and I'll just accept it. Even as I questioned it, my internal monologue went, don't do that. That's backfired on you before. You went to the pub today, didn't you? I went to the, yeah, I played a bit of golf and then a couple of pints. So I haven't really been out since lockdown ended.

Yeah. What's it like? Cool. You have to have food, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to eat there anyway. I had an amazing Sunday lunch and I had a nice cheese sandwich. What did you have for Sunday lunch?

Oh, mate, I had the best. I genuinely shout out Hitchens Barn. I had the best Sunday lunch I've ever had. What? Just so you know, guys, he didn't ask me. This is pure accident, this name dropped by Tom. No, I just had the best Sunday lunch I've ever had. So what was in it?

Yeah, listen. Yeah, listen, let me drop this. Right. I had a Stilton and cranberry souffle. Okay. That was a starter. That was a starter. Yeah, a how big how big are we talking i'm talking like that okay and what did it come with i mean that to be honest with you holding your hands up not ideal for the audio media i'd say it was probably the size of two tennis balls with a golf ball on the side of it. What an incredible description.

It's the size of two tennis balls with a golf ball beside them. There you go, guys. If you visualise that, it's a souffle about the size of two tennis balls with a golf ball next to it. Okay, go on.

Did they ever have a little side salad with that? No, no, no, no, no, no. They put some greenery on it. A little bit of greenery on it, but I took that off. I don't mess with that stuff. Do you ever eat the side salad bits? No, it's my pet hate.

Does anybody? I think it ruins a meal. Like a load of herbs and greenery, I'm saying. If you've not asked for it, I don't think you should have it. It's a waste, isn't it? I had a lamb stew and it was just covered in greenery at the top. It was a beautiful stew with rosemary mash,

you'd have liked that. Well, I don't think I would. It's probably had butter in it. Oh, shit, yeah. So there you go, James. No, it wasn't a joke. I just said that

out of everything I've had today. The one thing I ate thinking I'd Romesh would like this was the rosemary mash. The idea, the idea that you expect me to believe

that while you were sitting there having your post-golf lunch, you were tucking into your mashed potato and you thought, oh, Romesh will like this. No, I do think... If I was having lunch with Romesh now, I'd probably take a spot of this mash

and put it on his plate. He'd love that, little tinker. He'd love a spot of this rosemary mash. No, I did think so because. No, I did think of myself as I was tapping my belly and thinking, gosh, lovely that.

Yeah. I almost should have liked that. You'd have got a kick out of that mash. But the piece de resistance, oh God, even now thinking about it, it's just dreamy, was a

apple and blackberry like pudding with meringue top. It was unreal. Meringue top? Yeah, it was a freshly cut meringue. So, meringue

on the top, and what had they done to the apple and the blackberry? Stewed with a little bit of custard, and then on top of it they had the meringue. So it's like a crumble underneath? Crumble, but yeah, crumble underneath, but then a meringue on top. I've never even heard of that. What did they call that?

It was an apple and black black pudding with a meringue top Jesus Christ that wasn't the name of it was it no it wasn't it's one of those

places where they've not gone for fancy names they just go with descriptions that's the new fancy that is do you know when they

sort of go when the description's really long yeah yeah that is like that's the new fancy. I'd add some nice vegan stuff. What'd it add?

Artichoke soup. Looked nice. That's what's embarrassing, isn't it? Listen, I'm sure it was a nice artichoke soup. Nobody is hearing that. Nobody. Nobody. Not even vegans are hearing that

going oh oh what's that we should get down there artichoke soup you say come off the back of meringues and fucking lamb soup lamb soup

souffles just as you're sort of chewing on your shank there enjoying your soup there Like fucking lamb stew. Lamb stew. Soufflés. Just as you're sort of chewing on your shank there. Are you enjoying your soup there? Want a bit more bread with that? I can't have the bread, I'm afraid. It's got butter on it. Yeah, have they got some dairy-free spread?

But it was... It was very... Yeah, it was nice. I enjoyed getting out a couple of beers. It was nice. My first birdie at golf as well, mate. Congratulations. Who are you playing with? My mate, Michael.

Big shout-out to my titleist as well, and for some incredible clubs. Fuck, mate. It's incredible, this guy. While we're doing shout-outs, actually, I want to shout-out the people that are responsible for my race today, and that is Coughlin's Bakery.

Now, I've talked about Coughlin's before. Yeah. They do vegan everything, right? Like jam donuts, bakewells. Do they really? Mate, they're so good, right? Anyway, I got from them a vegan bacon, I think it's like a bacon Wellington thing. Oof, that sounds nice.

It, mate. Honestly, Tom, you'll love it, mate. It's so good. I think it's like a bacon Wellington thing that sounds nice mate, honestly Tom you'll love it mate, it's so good so how are the vegan, like when it comes to your breads and stuff, like how do they sit when, because I had some gluten free bread the other day and it doesn't take butter well no, I think gluten

is a big problem for bread gluten and bread are... It struggles without it. They're very happy bedfellows, aren't they? So when you remove gluten, it's difficult. It really struggles without it. Yeah, it does. What I was going to say is, though,

is whenever they have a vegan option, they normally make it a gluten-free option as well. They sort of bandy that all together. I remember early on, when i started doing comedy um i got invited to um to like a minorities minority comedians getting on tv event and it was a room just full of black brown lesbian gay and disabled people just in sort of a paddock uh that's you know just they just they just banded us all together in a thing that's what it reminds me of i mean that sort of just throw it all in one thing they all deserve it they all need it who would you say of like being a vegan like where would

you say like the hierarchy of like sort of innerisms or whatever they're called like you know where would you say veganism sits alongside, like, glutinous and stuff? Well, if people are gluten intolerant, then, you know, that's a condition, right? Yeah, my wife's gluten intolerant. She can't have gluten.

If people are just gluten-free, they're a bit looked down upon. But I don't think there's a group of people, dietarily-wise, that are hated as much as vegans. Like the amount of, like I did, uh,

when I was doing the rangination, they asked me to do a video, like a, like a little promo video. And I just did a thing, like just taking the piss about how I thought vegans are better than non vegans. And the reason that non vegans hate us is because we're,

we're much superior people. I was just taking the piss. I mean, it sort of went, it got like shared quite a few times and then i became like this target figure for for anti-vegan kind of hate groups it's like i got sent a video like a group of people all throwing beyond meat burgers into the bin and just like going fuck you fuck you vegans i want real food and all this shit just like properly losing their

minds i'm gonna jump on this, by the way. You treated me once to a Beyond Meat, and I've had a number of different vegan burgers, and I will still shout from the rooftops about those. Remember those vegan chicken nuggets you got me that time? Yeah, yeah. I would say that more for them for throwing any food in the bin than people starving in the world.

Was that when we did the gig? Yeah, the gig. That was Temple of satan that was yeah but but um that that that thing about i mean i wonder what i think is because it's about 10 15 people throwing the burgers in the bin what i would hope for the sake of their movement is that they were retrieving that same set of burgers from the because otherwise they've gone to a supermarket bought 15 sets of those burgers which i would argue is undermining their course slightly i mean it's like burger sales have gone through the roof it's massive craze of non-vegans thrown in the bin

oh it's the best thing that could have happened to us that'll learn him that'll learn him good right you know we've got we've actually had somebody sending a prop we've had a few actually but we've got somebody sending a pair of detailed problems now i don't know if we're going to get to both of them uh bearing in mind that once again we found ourselves heavily distracted by um by the tree chat yet again uh but this is from uh well i don't i don't actually um want to say the guy's name i'll tell you why he's given his name but i don't actually want to say the guy's name. I'll tell you why. He's given his name, but I don't think he really wants his name out there. And I'll explain why in a minute, okay?

So this is from Anonymous. Now, it says, Hi, Rom and Tom. Firstly, when you're reading out these emails, do you read the bit where they say something nice about the show? Does it look a bit wanky? Yeah, I think it's good for people. Okay, fine.

All right. Hi, Rob and Tom. Firstly, love the show. Always thought you two should do a show or podcast together. If you could help, that would be great. He sent two separate problems, okay? Okay. Problem number one, and this is the reason why I've anonymized him, okay?

One of my uni flatmates is showing interest, but I don't know whether it's smart to get with her, given that everyone knows you shouldn't shit where you eat. Jeez. I know. I might ruin the flat dynamic and make it awkward. However, I'm finding it increasingly hard to be rational, particularly because, as we know, female attention is diamond grade in rarity,

especially for someone who's been frequently told that they resemble a shit Harry Potter. should i submit to the will of my penis and get with her or should i show a sense of reason and refrain from it wow that's a big question i mean listen based on some of the language used here uh i would a hundred percent say i've done you a huge favor in anonymizing you here first of all i don't know what the nature is of your attraction to your flatmate you're saying she's showing interest for you to say submit to the will of my penis it's such an incredible i personally think and thank you for your kind words about this podcast and but saying submit to the will of your penises

i i pretty much think that that'll be i think you've answered your own problem there i think the fact that if she ever knew that that's how you'd like if you really wanted to go for it you you probably would have i think you know also the absolute criminal decision to say that you resemble a shit harry potter and not refer to your dick as a wand is an incredible level of neglect the absolute open goal in terms of word do you think everyone with glasses sort of since harry potter knocked her up like came about like everyone's just been compared to sort of like sort of like weedy sort of dweeby look as something compared to harry potter i've never seen a harry potter movie but i why not just not for me is it it's not what's never made for me

so it's not i've got sorry do you only watch things that are made for you no yeah what are you a fucking sultan when when when they were fucking knocking about the idea of harry potter they weren't thinking oh this will really be like fucking, he'll, I'm not their target market, am I? Let me tell you something.

You're not any movie maker's target market. Any Jason Statham movie that's been made, mate, I'm their fucking target market. Any Sly Stallone fucking film, I'm their target. Bad Boys, I'm their fucking target market.

You're not the target market for Bad Boys. Of course I am. Who, what would you say, I mean,'re not the target market for bad boys of course I am what would you say your target market for you would be Harry Potter right and Star Wars you love all that shit like wands and fucking spaceships and fucking

aliens and shit and I love that about you but I don't talk Don't say it about me like it's a fucking condition that you find endearing. First of all,

Harry Potter and Star Wars are not the same shit. That's the first thing. No, you're a sweet soul. That's the sort of stuff. You really... It's really fucking... You've got drunk on your own No, you're a sweet self. It's really fucking... You've got drunk on your own fucking vapour here. You know that?

No, I haven't. I'm just saying. You have. You've had a fucking... Do you know what you've had? You've had an away win and you've come into the next game fucking full of yourself. That's what's happened here.

Right, no. You would say we've known each other a long time long enough for us both to know that sci-fi stuff is your is your bacon right you love that stuff right yeah a bit insulting to a vegan but yeah go on all right okay sci-fi is your past nipple whatever no yeah whatever. No. You like all that sort of stuff. Yeah, sure. I just think this geezer's coming at this and sort of saying that he looks like Harry. Look, confidence-wise, I think, number one, he should take this woman

who's showing interest in him out, but I think he should take her out on the basis that he likes her. The way he's coming across is, for me anyway, he's talking about, you know, like succumbing to the will of his fucking penis, you know what I mean? Take her out for

a drink, get on with her, see how it goes, rather than, because you're letting your penis rule your brain. Yeah, also, also, can I just say, when people say stuff like that, it really does betray a incredible lack of sex in your life when you say stuff like submit to the will of my penis the thing is right top based

based on the fact that you said to yourself that female attention you sort of struggle to come by it right you're talking by the way you're talking to two people that have got exactly the same problem i've been yeah but i will say i've never ever ever uttered anything and like this is nothing against your friend uh i've never you know said succumb to the will of my penis my penis has no will my penis is my penis have all the parts of my body is the least willful thing that i have yeah my penis has got absolutely no resolve whatsoever. It's completely lacking in determination. Nobody, I would never describe my penis as strong-willed. In many ways, it's quite indecisive.

All of my body parts, my penis is like someone who's been working for a company for like 40 years, who just hates his job, hates it, and is literally just about, he's just about to get his gold watch and never work again. Every now and again,

sort of sticks his head above the parapet to get involved in something and then almost sort of shamefacedly goes off back into hiding. Listen, what I would say to you, man, and we're not saying this to attack you at all. OK, what I'm saying is if you're struggling in terms of female attention, the one thing you've got going for you is just being a decent bloke and saying things like submit to the will of my penis and don't shit where you eat and all that kind of stuff.

All of that, you need to put that to one side. Where that comes from is a typical bloke thing of not getting much attention from women and so then when you do you feel like you've got to be all fucking laddy about it and i can't deal with it i might give her a bit of the d if she's lucky all of that shit just fucking put that all in the bin mate if you like her then be a gentleman and take her out and see what comes out of that. If you don't, then don't. Do you know what I mean? But this whole dick chat and all that stuff,

you've got to knock that on the head, man. That's not going to fly. Yeah. And she'd be pretty mortified if she showed you some sort of interest and you, yeah, you turn around and said, oh, you know what? I'm glad that I emailed a podcast with two massive idiots. I've had no luck with any women. Yeah.

What's his other problem? His other problem is, given your, this is a bit of a quicker one actually uh given your past experience with bandanas and virginity i thought i'd ask you how it'd be best to help my friend out he's adamant that his bandana looks sick and everyone that takes a piss does so because they're jealous how do we tell him and how do you tell a friend in general that they don't look good in what they're wearing and they closely resemble a top-tier wanker? I feel like I'd want to know. I'd say we can just send you a picture of Romesh in his bandana

and how you look now because you've got your shit together. You look fucking sweet as. You're not fucking one of the most stylish people I know. But if he saw you in a bandana and how you fucking got rid of that fucking look, I'm happy to send him a picture of me and some of the shit I've worn. Can I just say something? When you insult somebody

as viciously as you just did, and by the way, after the last podcast, after the last episode, I got a lot of messages from people saying, oh, you're a bit harsh. Can I just say something? His immediate response to this guy was we'd happily send you

a photo of Romesh in a bandana and then follows it up with you're one of the most stylish people, as if any of that means anything after what you've just said. No, listen. No, this guy's reaching out right

he's where he's knocking about tanning a bandana much like you did at his age or you might have been a bit older when you wore your

bandana we don't know how old he is right he's at uni so he's in his 20s right right yeah

how old were you when you like said goodbye to your bandana it was that night it was after it was at the end of that night I never wore one again but how old were you when you wore goodbye to your bandana? It was at the end of that night. I never wore one again.

But how old were you when you wore it? 17, 18. Oh, I mean, yeah. In all fairness, mate. I'd say go back to episode one where we talk about the guy, the double clink guy in the pub. I think honesty is the best policy. Go up to your pal and just say, look, mate,

listen to these two podcasts. I think honesty is the best policy. Go out to your pal and just say, look, mate, you know, listen to these two podcasts. They talk about subjects that, that, that should clear this fucking whole bandana. I think very lucky. I've pretty soon like 2% of the world's population that good in a bandana. Yeah, that's true.

Um, do you want to do another one? Yeah, yeah. Let's do another one. Okay. Hold on. Um,

so this is from olivia rosengarten okay uh olivia says hello my name's olivia i'm a fan of the podcast um i have what i have is i'd say less of a query but more of a topic for you to discuss what is what is your opinion of the marijuana scene in the uk? I think, as a young person, there are so many mixed messages surrounding the subject, and it's hard to know if it's something to be scared of or something to embrace and enjoy. You feel like there's a sense of shame around it.

I'm assuming that you've both partaken of the devil's lettuce at one point in life. Devil's lettuce? I thought they called that. Oh, Olivia. I would love to hear your thoughts on it. Thanks for providing such a jokes podcast. Thank you for your email, Olivia.

It's difficult, this one, because actually, as I was reading it, I thought to myself, this feels like it requires a response from somebody that actually knows what they're talking about. This is like a fucking talk to Frank kind of queerness. I don't really know if we've got this enough i mean have you partaken in the devil's lettuce in your time tom i've partaken in the devil's lettuce i'm a big fan of cbd now i don't know i swear of the devil's let a shout out to nature can um this is fucking i mean this is like this is like a corporate presentation at this stage

yeah i'm not exaggerating so you have shouted out four separate brands during the course of this podcast. I love a shout out. I like to shout out. Yeah, so I have partaken in the devil's lettuce. I don't even know where we're at with it now, if anything. I have less idea than probably Olivia does. Olivia feels like she's got more idea

of what's going on with the devil's lettuce. Well, Olivia's looking for guidance. I have no idea. I'm just going up to someone and saying, have you got any devil's letters? Yeah. I mean, that would be my first tip. I wouldn't, if you were trying to get hold of some. I wouldn't refer to it

as that. Olivia, what I would say to you is, it's not for Tom and I to tell you whether, I myself have never tried it it and nor would I I wouldn't sully myself in that way You are unbelievable You're poor fucking podcast fans who listen to Hip Hop

Save My Life are going to listen to this where you sort of wear a chronic t-shirt and a fucking bandana with your fucking big tongue trainers with your fucking chronic t-shirt your bandana and your big tongue trainers pretending you're

I don't know why I went northern no Olivia the truth is I have partaken when I was younger. What I would say to you is, you know, just make sure you're fully informed. Yeah, you know what, Olivia? Maybe Frank is your best bet for this question. It's not us.

Okay, Olivia, what I will say to you is, this is one piece of advice I would give to you. I'm not telling you whether to do it or not, Olivia. You do what you want to do. But what I would would say is if you decide you're going to do it okay one be very very careful how much you partake and two make sure you're in a safe environment to do that all right with also olivia i'd say that to listen to the problem before and just when you are moving into university flats or you are sharing a flat be careful who you show any kind of romantic uh affection towards what i would say is don't get

stoned and make a pass at one of your flatmates because that guy is not to be trusted no have you got any other quick ones rom okay uh tom this is a bit of a bit of an industry question you really right for this yeah like an industry question okay this is from d of an industry question. You ready for this? Yeah, it's like an industry question. Okay, this is from Dave Stedman. It says, Dear Ramesh and Tom, you're both legends at writing. Tom, big congratulations on King Gary. It was a great lockdown binge over here in Sydney. Oh, wow.

Australia. So you're both legends at writing, but he's only going to refer to one of your work. Okay, cool. My question is thanks dave uh where and how do you get the ideas from the head onto paper and what do you do with them after you have a script especially when you know absolutely no one in the industry i've always wanted to write comedy and i'd be encouraged to do so but i've absolutely no idea where to start

i've got the idea i've got pages notes on my phone but i need some help with what to do next is that for me this one yeah i think it's to you tom i mean the guy seems like king gary can't name a single thing i've written so let's hand over to you um i'd say that that uh i'd say to get to start trying to to actually to actually form a script, putting a script together, to actually get those ideas in some sort of order, but actually not being worried about getting them down and putting the scripts themselves. This is actually the worst advice I've ever given. No, I like it, Don.

No, I feel like you now with the Christmas trees. Listen, listen listen listen let me just rewind you the two statements you just made this is the worst advice i've ever given that was the first thing you said then you followed up immediately with i feel like you with the christmas trees no i know right because people don't know about you this is what let me tell you what you've done you have spent the whole of this fucking podcast on the edge of your seat nervous

like a manager looking waiting for his team to score as I started talking about script writing which you know I get anxious about you slowly limp back you slowly limp back I see a little fucking glint of the old devil's lettuce come out of your pocket.

Can I tell you, okay, no, first of all, what I would say is two things, and I'm going to compliment you now, Tom. You are great at writing comedy, but as great as you are at writing comedy, you are not comfortable about talking about your own success. So I can understand why you're struggling a little bit to sort of give this guy advice but tommy you are actually very well placed to give advice so yeah thank you that's very sweet of you i thank

you i just i would say just get words down and i'd say that uh try if you can to get on stage i think stand up actually when i first started actually trying to sort of, I think stand up early on in my career helped on the construct of jokes and, uh, and making, you know, what, what giving you your own tone and giving you,

you know, knowing what that is going forward. If I look at all of anything I've done over the years, over the last 10 years, all of it has, has had that voice. And, uh,

I think that's the most important thing of getting that. Um, and yeah and don't worry too much about impressing other people and trying to get sort of mates on board because everyone you know will tell you it's not going to work that's what happened to me how people when you told people around you you're going to go into comedy i don't know man it's difficult they were you know they just thought it's going to come to nothing because it but I don't think that was that I don't think it's because they uh that was an insult to me necessarily I just think they think it's because the chances of you statistically speaking the chance of you making a career out of it is so slim do you mean so they they saw it you know I went from doing maths teaching to going to comedy people thought i was mad like my mum was worried about it like my friends sort of i think they just thought i was

going to do it as a hobby and i do and the thing is it's not like i'm not one of these people thinking oh look at them now they fucking thought i wasn't going to do it and all that i don't i totally get where they're coming from of course you would be concerned if somebody you care about was rolling the dice and something like that of course you're it doesn't of course you're right to be concerned mate but having like this right i after i started doing comedy for a bit one of the most insulting things is is when you start being able to do it and then your friends think that that means it must be a piece of piss to do right the number of times i started doing gigs and mates would come and watch me or people i know would come and watch me and then you come off stage

right having done your gig and you thought it's going all right and if i wonder what they thought and you go and then they go i think you are i think i might give this a go i might yeah i might so rather than saying rather than saying i thought what you did was good what you're saying is if a fucking idiot like you can have a set like that, I reckon anybody could do this shit. Mate, I still get that from people now. Every day, I get people like that. Literally, if you could write a sitcom, anyone can.

That's pretty much me. And when you say that about, I had so little going for me. You had a profession. You were a teacher, right? You little going for me. Yeah. Like you had a profession, you were a teacher, right? Yeah. You had a fucking, I was a labourer. When I tell people,

I lie, I try and build up my job by saying to people I was a scaffolder because the truth of the matter was I was a labourer. I was, you know, so when I said to people

I was going to do company, most people genuinely thought that's just going to be something else he's going to fail at. Like everything else he's going to fail at like everything else he's tried like yeah

listen thank you very much for your problems if you do want to send us a problem a query a question or even just feedback

please send it to to wolfowlpod at gmail.com that is wolf owl pod at gmail.com. That is wolfowlpod at gmail.com.

Tom, it's been... How do you think this episode's gone, mate? I've enjoyed it, you know. Because last episode, I think it was good, right? It was a good one. I think we had a good first one. I'd say the second one was better than the first one, I think. And then this one,

I was a bit nervous coming into it. I'll tell you why. I had a big dinner just before starting, and that's always bad. That's always bad. I've had three pints before this one. Right. Well, you've had a kind of a loose swagger. I think it's the – because all this time,

I thought you were just drunk off your own kind of victory. No, no, no. Well, I'm not drunk on three pints, but I'm still, I'm, you know, this is the first time I've ever done, this is actually the first time I've ever performed with any alcohol inside me. Usually I don't gig or anything. So yeah, I feel like this,

genuinely I can listen to this back and go, oh yeah, yeah, that's what you're like when you've had it. The most incredible thing about that is that you believe this to be a type of performance, what you've done on this. There he is. It's taken one hour, one minute and 30 seconds. Mercy's alive.

Oh, God. Okay. Right, Tom, can you take us home, brother? Let's do it. Listen, you know who you are, but who are you? You're sitting there with all of your flatmates and you are watching an old episode of Dawson's Creek. You're laughing.

You might be smoking some of the devil's lettuce. And at some point during that evening, a hand is raised and put across someone's back and there's a moment shared. What is that moment? Is that friendship? Or is that something more? And do you want to find out what it is? Listen, there's different ways to go about things. But the main way of doing anything is being decent so when it comes to how to get around such a problem always email a podcast and people that you think might be able to help because that's why they're there yeah that was uh it's one of the more literal ones you've done but very nice

and that one was yeah that i think that was the three points there it was very it's very on the nose i'm gonna go again with that one. No, no, no. I liked it. Are you sure? Yeah, I really liked it. I just hope that this guy is just going to sit there and we've really helped. Part of it, I'll be honest,

it felt like it was very specifically directed at our Harry Potter emailer. Like very, very... Yeah. You sort of really wanted to drive a message home to him it felt to me that

yeah he I'm worried about him and I want him to get back in touch and I want to see what do you mean worried what are you worried about him well I just think that you absolutely coated him off

not 20 minutes ago that's what I'm like as a person though now now I'll spend a whole i'll spend a good week thinking about i hope that guy's all right look he knows we're only joking we're only joking but please but get in touch yeah wolf out pod at gmail.com tom davis it's been an absolute pleasure riding with you brother yo wolf's out we'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Bless you.