Wolf and Owl - Episode 32

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

We’re talking… podcast logistics, post-match positives and negatives, limo bikes, diminishing drinking stamina, keeping healthy minds and eating a huge amount of poppadoms. Plus we answer email questions on dealing with piss-taking mates, good glasses, Shakespeare dreams, writing stand-up and working with an ex-girlfriend. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Yeah, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last Requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler

That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship Let them see the whole thing

They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff And a... Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog

Welcome to the Wolf and Owl Podcast. Yeah, baby, you know how it goes. Now, before we start, I want to talk about this regular power play that you do on this thing. Really? Which is, we organise the time to do the podcast right yeah and in order in order for that to work because i send you the zoom link to do this i send you the zoom link and i send you a text as well saying tom i've emailed you the zoom link right yeah so we're due to start 8 30 just so you know listeners it's 8 48 now that's only because tom and i had a nice little pre-chat but that wasn't

all preacher six minutes of it was me now you know how low my self-esteem is about my own appearance admittedly i could have switched off camera but basically you came on you're just sitting there looking at frank's you'd still see your reflection so i'm sat here in the zoom meeting on my own because you sort of treat the start of a Zoom meeting as a fucking loose time for you to log in whenever you feel like. Look, I'm jumping in two-footed here,

baby boy. Right, I texted you last night saying what time... You're jumping in two-footed six minutes late is what you're doing. I'm Chalini in it. I texted you last night

saying what time, okay? I was filming Lee. Yeah, okay. I didn filming late. Yeah, okay. I didn't reply. I saw this morning I got a missed call at 10. I was asleep at 10. I'll go to bed at half nine. I did last night anyway, just to sort of catch up on the Zs.

You then text me this morning, say 8.30. I had to do some serious cancellations, bro. I was going to go boxing this morning. I had to cancel that. So I was like, you know what? This cheeky little Chester, he can wait for six minutes. He can wait.

Well, is it the cheeky little Chester that had to not record all weekend because you forgot to set your fucking laptop with you to where you were going? Okay, all right. Is it that cheeky little Chester? What is good for the goose is good for the gander, okay?

The old saying, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, okay? The old saying, what is good for the goose is good for the gangster. My G. I have to say, I'm still amiss from... Yeah, so a lot of drama between the last episode. We didn't do the bonus episode because we were struggling after. We were hungover. And so a lot of drama. Yeah. We were hungover. And so, a lot of drama.

Yeah. A lot of drama. So, Tom, talk to me. You know what, Ron? Number one, the semi was incredible. It was up there.

What a night. What a day. Then the days that followed, I'm not going to lie when I say, I think that was, you know when Rocky quit boxing? that was my moment of going, this is my last rodeo for boozing. I haven't got it.

Really? I genuinely haven't got it in the locker anymore. Sunday, I was still recovering from Wednesday. Yeah. And I was like, this is not something that I, I literally, there's a film, right, it's a Clint Eastwood film. And I was like, this is not something that I... I literally... There's a film, right? It's a Clint Eastwood film called The Unforgotten, right? And in it, there's an old gunslinger

who just hasn't got the minerals anymore. He basically gets mugged off and beaten up in the street and played by Richard Harris. That's how I felt on Sunday. I felt like, you know, you can't keep up anymore. I was at this event on Wednesday. Shout out to Paddy Power. Incredible

event put on at Flatiron Square. Amazing. Brilliant. But Ron, I was trying to keep up with I was on a group, a table of mates. There was a table nearest a great group of lads who were in their fucking 20s and early 30s.

And I thought I had the minerals to keep up with them. And frankly, embarrassed myself to the point of... How did you embarrass yourself?

No, just... Did you get like, did you get obnoxious drunk? Oh, no, no. I'm a happy drunk. I'm a very happy drunk.

Right. No, no. But to the point that the next day... You get very handsy, don't you? I tried to kiss one of them.

A make-out session. Because the rebound went in. Two guys French kissing by the screen. No, but it was just the day after, man. And that added on to Sunday. I think I went into Sunday with so much hope of everything. And I, I, I woke up.

So we've recorded us on Tuesday. So I woke up Monday morning and it's a bit like when you found out the truth about Santa Claus. That's, that's, you know, how I felt. That he's a nonce. Well,

yeah, actually, I mean, yeah, it's probably fucking would be that on the basis of some of the stuff. No, no, um, I watched, uh, so where did you be that on the basis of some of the stuff that... No, I watched... So where did you watch the film? I watched it with my dad, my wife and my mother, which was nice.

It was nice. I watched it with a chill vibe, actually, which was cool. I watched it with... So my brother and his wife and their kids came over and my mum came over and we all watched it at our house. And my mum came over and watched at our house and um my mum was so like she was so desperate for england to win that when i even when i started talking about how italy were looking good in the second half i was starting to get like anxious you know yeah

particularly after they scored it started to get really like it was really terrifying and my mum was going shut shut up, shut up. Why do you keep talking about Italy like this? I said, mum, I'm not supporting Italy. I'm just telling you this is what's happening. They're looking like they're getting into this more and more and more. She was getting so wound up. Do you know who I felt the most sorry for, man?

Theo, our eldest. He was, like, heartbroken. Yeah, man. After the, like, heartbroken, man. It was, look, it was, we will look back on this in the future with fondness, do you know what I mean? Like, it was a great night. Like, having all the family around watching England in a final,

like, I know it was gutting and whatever, but I still think it was a great experience. Do you know what? I think the whole thing up until, you know, that final, I think the whole thing, the sort of solidarity of sort of this country coming together, the sort of, you know, me and you at Scotland games, at the Germany game, the feeling there of, like, people sort of, like,

after everything this country's been through and everything the world's been through, it felt like a real coming together. I think what happened afterwards, and actually I sort of, because I've spoken on this podcast with you about sort of, you know, racism in the game and we've spoken about it.

And, you know, I've sort of said, you know, it's a very small part, obviously, of the fans and da-da-da-da. It's genuinely, I found it absolutely heartbreaking that that was some people's go-to after that i even to this point feel sort of just utter sort of disgust and shame on on the sort of fact that if that is your go-to to sort of watch three young men take a penalty for this country you know number one stand up and do that is an incredible feat. But if your go-to is then to at them at social media with the most disgusting remarks or

go down and graffiti on a sort of painting a mural of them, then there's no place. I just think that there's no place, not just football, but humanity for that. I don't know whether it's because of the, how amazing it felt to watch the coming together of that team and we've all spoken about the diversity

of them and the friendship, I think, the thing that Gareth Southgate has built there of like, it felt like no player

was bigger than, there was no superstars, they were all in it together and actually to then sort of watch, watch people being singled out for that. I felt like, you know,

because the truth is, if Saka puts away that penalty, Rashford puts away it, Sancho, the team's won. Would they have had the adulation of being the people who won that, you know, or what? I don't know. I just felt it. Yeah, I felt shame, really. I felt real

shame as an English person. It's a really difficult one, because as I've said to you before, like, I've had a, you know, if you're a person of colour, you've had a troubled relationship with supporting England. That's a fact. Yeah, yeah, of course. I can't imagine anyone that hasn't. And, like, during this tournament,

and actually I would include the last World Cup in this, right, and maybe going on before that. I've always supported England, but it's always been tricky because of the racism, because you see the racism and you think, actually, am I being, you know, am I being considered properly English here? Are the players of colour being considered

properly English here? And it's very difficult because the whole way through this tournament and through the last World Cup, you sort of think this is the modern face of patriotism. I mean, you can support England, but also be inclusive, you know? And I felt everybody was feeling really positive about that.

And like you said, it felt like that all the way up until the shit we saw during the final, you know, some of the people I know that went to the game have said, like, reported back, like, I've been chatting to some people at the game,

and said it was fucking grim, some of the stuff they said. Do you know what I mean? And then, like, and then been chatting to some people at the game and said it was fucking grim, some of the stuff they said. And then the fallout after the game, it's difficult. You want to think, and I sort of almost have to think, that that is a very small minority of,

I don't know, even if you want to call them England fans, a very small minority of people and actually, for the most part, and in the vast majority england fans are what we want to think they are do you mean which is getting behind the team they don't see a difference it's like whether you're black or white or whatever you are english and you're playing for england and blah blah you just hope that that's the case for the majority and i do believe that's the case. You know, the truth is, is that social media and news being the way that it is, these things get fucking blown up. Do you know what I mean?

And so, you know, you can see screenshots. Listen, I'm not saying it's not a problem. It's a fucking huge problem. And I found it really, really upsetting. I almost don't want to give those people the fucking oxygen of publicity. Do you know what I mean? It's just like, it's so,

it's such a shame that it's detracted from what's been such an amazing experience for everyone involved you know you think about what this country's been well what the world has been through but what this country has been through coming off the back of that it's been such a hugely positive thing it just fucks me off to be honest with you it fucks me off that race has to be involved again i mean it's like i just felt like i felt i was feeling really positive about the whole thing I was feeling about positive about my children experience of support in England I was feeling positive about my experience of support in England all of that I mean it just sort of gets fucked

like that it's just frustrating man it's just so frustrating I think I just feel very naive and stupid that I thought that yeah I don't know't know. You know, when you just think, yeah, I, I, man, it's sort of, I mean,

it's a somber way to begin a podcast, but I sort of think it's something he's talking about and, and, and it would be, we'd be, we'd be strange not to mention it, but I just, you know,

and I think on top of that as well, I think, you know, the sort of like negative vibe towards, which is a different thing, but Gareth Southgate. And you sort of think, I don't know, I just think if you're toxically looking at,

and maybe that is just the difference of negative people having to find someone or something to blame or shout at and just go, you know what, on the night, in the mix, maybe we just weren't good enough. But trying to look at the positives, you know, as we say this diverse team, but let's look at that Germany game. Let's look at getting to a final. How many times have me and you supported England

where you've not even got that far? So it just feels that some people, and whether that's racism, which is the most toxic version of that, I just think some people need someone to blame. And I think a lot of people, I think, put so much pressure on this England team winning, which would have been an amazing event, but it wouldn't have cured the world. What was curing the world was actually the team itself and the acceptance.

And actually, I think that's the thing that people need to look at. But anyway, man, deep shit over. Oh, mate, we got so deep in this. Do you know what? Do you know what i find so so the thing i find and it might again it might be social media exacerbating this it's like it's so binary right it's like gareth southgate was great great great there's articles in the times about how all men should be like gareth southgate right up until the final yeah i mean the final happened and then people like Gareth Southgate, right? Up until the final. And then the final happened, and then people like Gareth Southgate, shit, Gareth Southgate, shit. There is an in-between.

You can like Gareth Southgate and disagree with some of his decisions. Do you know what I mean? Like, you don't... Just because... If you like Gareth Southgate and you think he's a great manager, that doesn't automatically mean that you have to think that everything he does is brilliant. Do you know what I mean?

You can think Gareth Southgate is a great manager, but also disagree with some of his substitution. Like, this whole thing about, you know, he did this in the final, so he's shit, he's shit. We got to the final. This is my personal opinion. We got to the final. Italy were fucking great.

They were a great side. And, you know, we did great to get to the final. Italy were amazing. It is what it is. Do you know what I mean? It's like, to be honest with you, and I might get some shit for this, I was almost happy when we actually made it to penalties

because I thought Italy were so in the ascendancy. Actually, I thought they might put us away during normal play. Do you know what I mean? So the fact that we actually made it as far as we did, I thought that was an achievement in itself. And then you've got penalties now, so it's a bit more of a lottery.

We've got a shot of winning this. Do you know what I mean? Because Italy were like, they were coming into it, coming into it. And then as soon as they scored, every England fan, you're just shitting yourself after that, man. Because that game was, it was like,

it was getting away from us. And you've got to shout out Jordan Pickford, man, saving two penalties. Yeah, who does that in a final? I know. You know, one of the other things that actually bothered me,

unless there's, what the fuck is Tom Cruise doing there? Mate, so angry. So angry. I don't know why, I don't know why it aggravated me so much,

but Tom Cruise being at the final, I think it's just, I think it's just we're pissed off that we weren't there. I'm pissed off I wasn't. Well, essentially, it looks fucking pretty grim, if I'm going to be honest with you. But there was a number of people there that you just think,

you're not really into the football, you're just there to be seen. I don't know, you know, where you're just sort of like, but Tom Cruise has just embodied that. He was at Wimbledon as well. I'm like, how many, literally you've had the greatest day ever. Well, he was there the same day. Yeah, he was at Wimbledon as well. I'm like, how many, literally you've had the greatest day ever. Yeah. Whirling around town.

Was it the same day? Yeah, he was at Wimbledon final. Then he must have got a motorbike show. I mean, I'm speculating here, but I think he probably

got a motorbike taxi over to Wimbledon. Limo bike. Limo bike. Have you done one of those limo bikes before? I once tried to get on one and scared,

and chickened out. What do you mean? I got on the back of it and he started going and I just tapped on his shoulder and went no mate i can't do this i freaked out massively okay so limo bikes first of all i know this sounds absolutely wanky uh just for people listening so limo bikes are if you have to get somewhere if you've got like two jobs on and a car isn't going to cut it because of traffic or whatever it's particularly for central london they'll stick you on a limo bike and this guy will weave this guy or girl will weave their way through the traffic and get you there quicker

have you done one how many times you know i've done them maybe like two or three times i think i i'm going to say to you now i get get why you might have got freaked out by it. Because bearing in mind, you and I don't regularly go on motorbikes. And these guys are specifically called in when they've got to get you somewhere quickly. So automatically, you're not going on a relaxed motorbike ride. You're going on a motorbike ride with someone who wants to get you there ASAP. And it's the weaving in and out. You just go along the side of buses and shit like that i'm constantly this is the thing my perception of scale or distance is completely screwed in those situations so i spend the whole bike ride thinking my kneecaps are going to get smashed off

yeah i mean we're like i held on to him with such, like a newborn would hold on to their mother. I literally got on and he went, relax the grip a little bit. Like genuinely said that. And he was sort of laughing a bit. Then he's saying to me, don't put your feet down at this time.

Just keep, do you know what I mean? Keep your legs up. So my legs, number one, are fucking the longest part of my body. Significantly the longest part of my body, significantly the longest part of my body. So they're up so fucking high. So I'm aware I look ridiculous, but I don't have an ego. But then he says to me, if we're going to take corners, you need to make sure you lean with me.

And I'm like, how far do I lean? Do you know what I mean? Like, you're coming around. I'm like, it was just too much to think of. Yeah, I'm going to tell you, there's certain things that, and this is really bad of me, there's certain things,

if I don't think I can sort of process how to do it, I just don't do it. So for that, for that, if he goes lean with me, I go, yeah, okay. And I just don't, because I don't trust myself to be able to do that

it's like they they they have the the microphone this the earphone in so the guy can chat to you right and it's like they do try and chat to you to calm you down because they know it's an unusual situation but i act it's sort of it's quite embarrassing because they want to make you as comfortable as possible so they do that do they do this thing for you where they they put the blanket over your knees or whatever when you're sat on the bike you get on the thing and you are grateful for it when you're on the bike because it does keep you warm it's just that when you pull up people sort of it's such a long disembark from the bike because you have to unzip yourself or just de-blanket yourself people just looking at you

like who the fuck does this guy think he is i just found the whole thing i felt like donkey kong and you know like in mario kart where you see donkey kong and he's bigger than all the other characters so i felt like that for a start i just hated every second like well and i was probably on it for a matter of 30 seconds so where were you supposed to be going i was going from one i was going from a gig to a panel show for it was a number of years ago like during press it was a press thing like when we're doing press for i think it might have been gary the pilot so it's about three years ago yeah and it was you know when you've got like you know i don't know like a one show or you've got

something else and you've got like and my agent was like oh they've got your liver he was really excited for me um yeah but you know when you see a kid who won't go down a water slide yeah that's how i felt that is that i don't want to do it but the thing is you had to get to this place quickly yeah and they'd organize the limo bike and you are so scared because i my fear is twofold i'll be scared to be on the bike and i'd also be too scared to say that I was too scared to be on the bike. So what I would do is I would just have like a panic attack the whole way

to whenever we're getting there. But you actually showed a bit of sort of gumption in saying I can't do this, right? So what happened? Yeah, do you know, do you ever have those conversations? I have it on golf sometimes, but you know, like you have that conversation

in your own head and you're like, this isn't worth it, mate. Because if, yeah, fine, if you pull out of it that's fine that's fine but what would be worse is that they go on the one show and like fucking alexander scott's like or sad news tom davis was meant to be here today but he he crashed on the way over here on a motorbike motorbike limo like i'd be you know what i loved about you know what i loved about that is is that you did an impression of Alex Jones. You called her Alex Scott, but you didn't even call her Alex Scott.

You called her Alexander Scott. I mean, it's like inception of name fuck-ups. I was so freaked out thinking about the bike. So it was Alex Jones. And that, yeah. But I was, yeah. So you said, I can't do it. And then what did he say?

I said, I can't do it. He said, sure. And he was really sweet credit to him because he was a very sweet sweet sweet man and you know I sort of said look mate

I'll make sure you still get paid and stuff it's my fault I just can't do this I just can't do this I'll jump on the tube or whatever

so what did you do how did you get there I did just jump on the tube in the end and they just put me on later in the show there you go it worked out see guys I was sweating and if you go back if that version of if

if it's on uh that is anywhere i look like a man who's been on the tube after fucking chickening out i've been on a motorbike right so so you know every now and again you do things like that where what's happened to you in the run-up to the thing has an effect so i did i did a few years ago i did the alternative election show on channel four right and i was one of one of the people on that and that went on late to the night and then the next day i was in the have i got news for you election special right and they had to record that because they wanted to go out like the next day they were recording that at nine o'clock in the morning right so i i finished at the alternative election thing at 3 a.m right got back to the hotel for four i got picked up at seven right to go to do

this thing right so i was sat in the have i got news for you studios like in the dressing room like fucked like really tired and freaking out a bit because i'm thinking it's not about being tired here i might about to be shit i might be about to be shit how the fuck do you say this i might be about to be shit is that right i'm happy about to be shit yeah yeah okay that's really simple i don't know how complicated like that so um on on have i got news so i was like freaking out so i thought i need to wake myself up here my go-to in this situation is red bull right so i had a red bull right and waited for a little bit and i didn't feel anything didn't touch the sides wake up wise right i was

still exhausted i had a second red bull right waited still nothing i don't know what the fuck i was thinking just before i walk onto set i have a third red ball what in the space of about an hour right like i was just desperate to sort of kickstart myself into action right your bowels must have been like what is he doing to us my shit glowed in the dark after that right but what i would say is i don't think there's ever been a more hyper guest on i don't think there's ever been a thirstier grabbier appearance on have i got news for you than me that day i came off thinking i'd thinking i'd had a fucking great one i watched it back i look like i'm in a fucking episode. It's what? What did you say? No, what the hell is Ed Balls doing?

Because he lost that, didn't he? He lost that. He lost that, didn't he? What was going on with it? Oh, mate, it was so bad. I thought, mate, you look like you're having a fucking breakdown in this clip. I can't even imagine what you must have been like at that time. You know what you should have done?

Have an espresso, one espresso, and done like 25 press-ups. You know what you should have done got an espresso one espresso yeah and done like 25 press-ups you know what i should have done i should have not done two shows too close to so close to each other i mean that's the truth of it yeah but yeah that that that it's a horrible feeling the other thing i would say to you just off the back of you talking about um it just reminded me talking about being tired or whatever you know doing a couple of weeks of boozing or whatever as you've been doing during these during the euros one of the things that i find is when i think i've conquered my demons like the the inner prick or whatever they're going down even i've realized that the only way that i have that in control is if i'm eating well if i'm exercising if i'm staying hydrated if i'm sleeping well if i'm doing all of those things i'm supposed to be doing i've got it as soon as i let those

things go the fucking my head goes so dark man i mean you and i've texted each other where we like you know you let one of those things slip and you let the devil in i mean it's so bad man i've let them all slip like all of them and that's why I sort of like, you know, and I'd openly say now, I fucking struggle, man. Like, really struggle. If I'm not, again, like you, if I'm not hydrated, if I'm not trained. And you know what?

Going into the Euros, much like an athlete, I was actually feeling so... You were ready for the tournament. I was ready for the tournament. I was fucking eating well. I was drinking well. I was sleeping. You know, I found myself, and don't get me wrong,

like, you know, fucking two days' time of training and fucking drinking and eating right, I feel a lot better. But, man, it's not even like, the drinking is one bit, right? And then the food I ate on Thursday, like, you know, everything was just greasy. And it sort of, I sort of tried to convince myself that I was actually uh like i was warming up for sunday and then came sunday i couldn't even make the match squad i'm honest

with you in alcohol wise and i've been here before i i had to stop drinking for a year because of my liver what because your liver yeah i just wanted to live for eight months because of embarrassment as you know but yeah why for your liver i went to the doctors right and i was yeah i was feeling really it's like i couldn't recover from the hangover i had like i literally just felt like i was like you know and they uh took some bloods and then they can judge your how high your liver enzymes are right and my my liver enzymes were that of like a 60 year old man who likes to drink all the time basically the doctor was like you need to notice on the head, otherwise you're looking at a pretty fucking ropey future.

So I didn't drink for like a year. And probably one of the best years of my life. Yeah. Because also, I feel bad because Thursday wasn't a matter of me and you working. We both sat this podcast off because we were so hungover. I know. When that starts, yeah. I like being drunk. I'm a good over. I know. When that starts, yeah. Yeah.

And I like, I like being drunk. I'm a good drunk. It's weird. It's weird, isn't it? Like, so with the drinking,

so when I gave up drinking for eight months, I would say I had a great eight months in terms of being on top of things. And I'm not even a big drinker. Like I'm not really, but like, you know, in terms of days not being written off like i remember like a mate coming over from dubai and me going to meet

up with him and i'd work the next day and ordinarily i'd be worried about that because i think we're going to get smashed and then i'm going to ruin my next day's work i knew that wasn't going to happen because i wasn't going to drink you know so i knew i'd be all right for the next day the one thing i would say is it really does make you a social pariah. Like, in terms of, there's something about telling people, if you've not got a dark reason for why you stopped drinking in this country, the shit you get from, like, even close friends about not drinking is insane. Well, you know, the other, the trouble I found was you feel the need

to tell everyone that you're not drinking. Yeah. And also, I'm already already a vegan so i've got that to offload on people as soon as i arrive i mean on top of that not drinking but but the reason you do that tom to just to give non-drinkers a bit of like credit here is because otherwise you then have to wait till somebody's getting around or somebody's going to the bar and then you've got then explain it while people are waiting for a drink i don't know you sort of want you almost want to get it out the way so that that is dealt with do you mean that you don't have to talk about it again for the rest of the evening but like i found myself being because also so what i didn't drink but then what i did was i just trained a lot and i did like i sort of tried to find other stuff but then i found myself at parties becoming that guy,

sort of sitting next to someone being like, yeah, no, no, I'm not really drinking. I've given up drinking. I said, no, no, I actually benched this morning, benched like 140, 150. So I feel really good about myself. And so I could see people thinking, I thought he was going to be a real laugh.

And usually, most times, I would be the guy jumping on the guy and going, what was that, mate? I'll be bench pressing life. And then, most times, I would be the guy jumping on the guy and going, what's that, mate? I'll be bench-pressing life and then everyone would laugh. So the sad truth of it is, when you're teetotal and trying to bet yourself

people don't like you, but if you're drinking yourself to destruction to the point your mental health is fragile as a poppadom, that's when you can be popular. Fragile as a poppadom.

You know, I ate on Saturday, I ate some popper doms that were four days old oh that is that's one that might be one of the bleakest things you've ever told me popper doms famously expensive to get hold of that was so fucking like robbery i don't i don't mind robbery i don't mind style popper doms though they've still got a quality popper doms are one of the greatest inventions ever made by human men. Yeah, I agree with you. Or women. The number of times I've arrived at an Indian restaurant,

I've overdone it on the poppadom order. And then by the time the food's arrived, I don't even fucking know. Let me just jump in here, actually, because I've just sort of saying it's enraged me to a point that I actually just feel like crying. Have you been to one of these new fucking, like, Indian restaurants? Are you about to talk about

cone poppadoms? Yeah, about the little box they bring. And it's like, they've got all these different fucking poppadoms and, like, you know, an assortment of poppadoms. This is a real travesty. This is an awful thing. Poppadoms are genuinely... I yeah this is a real travesty this is an awful thing poppadoms are

genuinely like i would go to an indian restaurant and just say 14 poppadoms please and and the condiments have come with them and i'd happily sit there with a pint well pint of coke or a pint of coke now and i'd just sit there eat there and just watch the world go by and feel absolutely content it's one of the saddest things i've ever heard just you on your own with a pint of coke working your way through 14 poppadoms and a bucket of lime pickle oh my god just going to the indian restaurant oh he's here again usual sir yeah yeah 14 poppadoms is it, Mr. Davis? Yes, Blake.

Yeah, yeah. Are you still not drinking? Pint of Coke? Yeah, yeah. And then the waiter just looking at another waiter and going, he really used to be someone.

He used to be great. He used to come in here. He used to come in here with his wife and have an actual meal. He used to come in here on a Friday night and order the spiciest curry

every week, even though he couldn't eat it. Five pints of Cobra. God. Then he starts singing Sweet Carolina. Ah, now look at him. But yeah, I don't mind. You know when they do the different sort of spices of poppadom?

You can get this sort of peppery one. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like all that. I like all that. But I want the poppadom to be flat. And massive. Yeah, 100%. I want it to be the size of my face.

Yeah. I want to be able to hold it up so no one can see my face and then pull it down. Do you know what? Do you know what's so pathetic about that? That sounds like something you would do with poor Catherine.

Just Catherine sitting there with you thinking she's having a little romantic meal with her husband. Hold on, let me do the face check. No, darling, I can't enjoy these pop-up tubs until I know they're the proper size. I can peer over this one. This doesn't even cover my nose.

But, yeah, I've had that with the little... They come in, like, spirals, like ice cream cone ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong, still enjoy them, but the problem is, is that you can't get the same purchase on a sort of a heavy amount of chutney with those. You know?

No. Also, I like to eat too many poppadoms, so the rest of the meal is, you know, there's a chance I won't eat my starters, my main, all my mains. I like to really gorge on them.

Gorge on them? Gorge on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the most amount of poppadoms you've eaten in one sitting? Probably four. Four? Is that all? Okay. What's the most you've eaten in a sitting?

I reckon at least eight or nine. Eight or nine? And then have you gone on to eat a full meal after that? No, I'll have them. I'll probably have four or five, and then throughout the meal I'll just keep eating them. Okay. I could see myself having done that, yeah.

It'd be quite fun to just sit down and just do that together. I'd love that. I would love that. Do you know what I like doing? It's not I like doing, I end up doing, is every now and again they'll come over and go, can I take the chutneys away? I wish I hadn't done that accent.

Can I take the chutneys away? And then you hadn't done that accent. Can I take the chutneys away? And then you go, no! They stay here like a crack addict. Do you see? I've made every... Yeah. Because I love... I mean, mango chutney is one of my favourites. A little bit of lime pickle thrown into the mix.

Oh, man. I'm not a fan of that chopped up onion thing. I've got to be honest no i hate that i feel i sometimes feel like going into the kitchen just saying that guys no one likes that you're just wasting you're just wasting knife skills there guys yeah and wasting onions yeah you know because actually you just put them in a barge you make you got one of the best dishes ever given to men yeah you're absolutely right i'm yeah yeah i'm sure they would appreciate that feedback i don't i don't know anybody that does like that tomato,

that oniony thing. If anybody does... It's like the salad. It's the salad that comes with some of the meat dishes as well. I can't stand it. You mean the little... When you get the takeaway, the little sort of plastic...

You get the plastic bag of salad. Does anyone eat that? I'd love to know. Email into thewolfowlpod at gmail.com if you actually eat that salad. I've even said to the guy who runs my local takeaway, I say, look, mate, don't worry about the little bag of salad, but he still puts it in.

Yeah, what do you think? I mean, that's pretty sad, isn't it? What do you think that says about what he thinks of you? I really feel he needs more salad. Oh, mate, you've made me really feel like having an Indian out. It's only 20 past nine. Yeah, I was going to try and have a week without him. Oh, mate, have I told you this story about when I went to the cricket?

No. So I went to watch England-Sri Lanka the other day. The whole day. A day at the cricket. I'm going to take you one day. You're not really a cricket fan, are you? i actually got invited to go because someone else had dropped out the one you went to oh right yeah well look next can i take can we go to the cricket please oh man i'd love that i'd love that so so we i went with uh with friction uh ed's my mate um and um

we we went and spent the whole day drinking and then at the end of the day we got we spent the whole day drinking. And then at the end of the day, we got a car back from the Oval to home. And I phoned an Indian restaurant. We left the ground at about nine. We were due to get back to Crawley about quarter past. I phoned this Indian restaurant. And I said, guys, listen, do me a massive favor. Can you please stay open? Like, what time are you going to close?

And they said, we normally take last order at 10 o'clock. I said, we're going to be there at quarter past. Can you please stay open? And they did. And they waited for us. We were the only ones in there. And mate, I don't know what it is about a surprise curry or just a curry in those circumstances.

It just, it felt like paradise. I don't know how else to describe it, man. It was just an amazing experience. I ate so quickly that I burnt my mouth on the chickpeas. Like, I actually sort of had, like, skin hair. That's the, that's, like, you made actually that, like, eating chickpeas sound pretty hard then and tough. Yeah. I ate so quick I burnt my mouth that eating chickpeas sound pretty hard then and tough. Yeah. I eat so quick, I burn my mouth on the chickpeas, yeah.

Like prison slang. Yeah, watch out for that guy over there. You see him eating chickpeas. It's like he eats them so hot, he burns his mouth every day. He doesn't even wait for them to cool down to be a consumable temperature. He's a fucking lunatic. That's why I'm fucking hard vegan um anyway it was amazing it was absolutely incredible beautiful thing man a beautiful thing

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Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor

if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. So, how are you feeling at the moment, Tommy? You feeling like... I'm feeling... Have you recovered from all that drama?

I feel like this has been the medicine I needed, just chatting to you, my Jew. It feels like a long time since we've spoken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it does. Too long, almost. Maybe that's the thing that I need you more in my life. I could deal with those little dolls that you press its tummy

and it sort of says one of your catchphrase, take it to the max or sort of something like that. I would actually, do you know what? I might get you a Build-A-Bear with my voice inside it as a little present. What are we doing for each other? We should go to Build-A-Bear together. How do you think that would look? I think it would look quite cool. it yeah hello um yeah we're we're

adult men in our 40s and we would like you to make two bears that got each other's voices in please don't call the police you know what that's this is a difference you look at in this sort of cynical way like the people working there i look at it that they would go, those two are really, really close. I don't, I'm not, I'm not,

um, I don't, it's not the issue of us looking close. It's the thing. It's just two adult men going into a builder bear. You don't have children with them, right? What you do is you walk in,

right? And you say, Hey, how are you doing? You're right. Uh, I bet this has never happened before. Okay.

Let me just stop you there. You don't talk. In this scene, you don't talk. If anything, you come up with some sort of actual thing. You just go, hello, guys. Just so you know, the two of us have had our families kidnapped. And they're currently in a basement somewhere. And we've been told that they won't be released until we each have

a bear made with each other's voices in so could you please let that happen? You've gone so dark there, I would walk in and go like that, hey whenever I feel down I put my arm around you and go this guy brings me up and makes me feel happy about myself so I want to bear with his bloody voice in that looks a little bit

like him please and then they'll go and want to bear with his bloody voice that looks a little bit like him, please. And then they'll go and find a bear with one smashed eye. And no arse. You know, I would put it in board shorts. And a little Hawaiian shirt. Oh, God. Right, should we do some emails

Tommy let's do it brother once again shout out to the Swan for selecting me how did the Swan find the football was she

yeah well I felt a bit sorry for her actually because I know this is slightly controversial but we got like we got the pizza van

to come and do the pizzas on our driveway again and the guy got because he was so busy that night, he wasn't able to arrive until after kickoff. I mean, nobody apart from the Swan was willing to go out and do the pizza admin.

So the poor girl. Oh, jeez. She missed the goal. No, she didn't miss the goal. She was there for the goal. She was, what did she say? She's a newly, she's a big fan of Jack Grealish. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As in sexually. Yeah. Catherine has, Catherine's really, she's got really into the football as well. Yeah. Sort of, lucky for me.

Her favourite player, I think, is Declan Rice or Harry Kane, which is sort of, yeah, so I'd probably be in that team. Yeah, yeah,

no, you're like twins. But, my issue is, is that Lisa really likes Jack G that team. Yeah, no, you were like twins. My issue is that Lisa really likes Jack Grealish. Like, really likes Jack Grealish. And he is a man that has an incredible arse, right? He has incredible legs.

Yeah, just everything about that. I mean, the guy's fit, but that bottom section is like a work of art. And I have the opposite of that. In fact, the whole of my body, if I was an action figure, it would be returned to sort of be, it wouldn't be suitable for retail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

It's just like, has there been some sort of issue with the mold or something? Like, look, he's got absolutely no ass at all. Why is his stomach like it's melted over his waistline? No, you're going to have to send this back, guys. Jack Greenish looks like the sort of boy who kissed everyone else's girlfriend at school. Oh, I bet he did. And he'd be grateful for it. When your girlfriend came back to you, you'd go, what was he like?

What sort of stuff was he into? He was a great kisser because he went to France last year on a football trip he just uses just the right amount of tongue he's not all thirsty and greedy and makes me feel like I'm going to be sick like you are

all spitty just so much tongue the best thing I can say about kissing you kissing you is afterwards I always feel really hydrated it's like trying to swallow

an eel um okay can i just i'm slightly self-conscious about the fact that i've talked a couple of times now about the swan and i i feel like i give the impression that the swan is put upon a little bit you know nobody else is willing to do the pizza admin she she lost the thing can i just say the swan gives as good as she gets all right and she's a wonderful person i love her very much and i'm very grateful for everything she does okay i just want to clarify that i've got slightly more answers that's very kind of you okay can i start by saying this is from uh anonymous okay uh can i start by saying how much I love the podcast? Listening to you two has brought me so much laughter.

Listening to Ron pull Tom to pieces in true mate fashion after saying something wrong or misusing a word. Well, thank you so much. I work nights and I found your podcast late. So I've been smashing up to six episodes a night. Wow, gee. Like the man who was laughing at the traffic lights. If someone walks around the corner at the wrong time,

they often think I'm laughing at them, but i'm lucky enough to explain i'm listening to a pair of wallies on a podcast okay i'm not sure about that because i've listened to so many episodes in such a small space of time there's so much i could comment on and ask you about from stopping talking to mates it's always having me having to contact them to using alcohol as a defense mechanism for being quite shy but not being able to tell people that this is like that i can come as i can come across quite confident bordering and arrogant but that's a shyness what i do want to talk about is something that features heavily and there's a nickname i've earned from colleagues do you know what this is slightly worried me about this is i've actually

just talked about this and now this guy's asking about this and now i'm slightly worried that we're a bit one dimension anyway i'll carry on um and that's i'm i'm an oddly shaped man i'm six foot five and 18 stone and very top heavy i've really skinny legs and no bum welcome to the club uh one of us in that club one old mate used to call me an orange on a toothpick i don't really mind as it's from people i call mates but i'd never take it as them being nasty, just banter. But sometimes it would be nice to be normal shaped. So do I embrace the name or say something to work colleagues? Sorry for the length, brackets, that's what she said. I have so much to talk about, I see myself as...

I see myself as a bear, but my wife calls me the sloth. Thanks for reading. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, that nickname is... Anyway... That's quite a mouthful for a nickname, isn't it? The orange on two... No, yeah, that is, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like it. Look, man, I've been where you are. When I played for a Sunday League football team, my nickname was Gabriel Fattestuter. I've literally had all kinds of names like this. And like Romesh and yourself, I do have the small legs, big upper.

I have a massive stomach. That's my problem. It's a massive stomach. It doesn't seem to go anywhere. And weirdly, the more I train, the more weight seems to come off my butt and my bloody legs and my arms, but not off my problem. It's a massive stomach that doesn't seem to go anywhere. And weirdly, the more I train, the more weight seems to come off my butt and my bloody legs and my arms, but not off my gut, which is slightly concerning.

But do you know what? I do think when it comes to stuff like this, if stuff is, you know, I can see a lot in what you're saying and myself and probably both of us use this as a joke. We use this podcast and we joke about it, but those things sometimes cut quite deep. Um,

and you know, they, they can, you know, the amount of times I was wearing, I felt really good actually the other week when I went out, I went out to, uh,

the football actually. And I was wearing, uh, a jumper that I loved. I thought I looked really good in this. And one of my mates opening gambits was like, didn't they do that in your size? I thought it

fitted really nicely and i spent the whole uh whole evening then just pulling it down and just feeling very conscious about it and i didn't bring him to task and walk away you know what you've made me feel absolutely shit about how i look i just sort of like laughed along uh and sort of made a joke about the fact he didn't even do it my size and that this was, you know, whatever. But, you know, it hurt my feelings. I felt pretty fucking, you know, because I think as a guy, if you feel like you look good and that kind of thing gets said, you can cut deep.

But then also you're on the flip side of turning around to someone and saying, you know what, mate, I feel like absolute shit that you said that to me because that could then ruin their evening and then they could like you know they probably he didn't mean it with any you know he didn't mean it to really hurt my feelings it was a bit of laddy banter and I think in his head he just thought oh he'll laugh that off because he always feels that he has a joke about things

but the truth of the matter is you know I was hurt by it so I think it's then difficult to be that guy, to sort of say to a man, excuse me, mate, can you not joke about stuff like that? And I'm doing that voice because that's exactly how I feel that I'd sound if I did that. And I just, so it's a difficult one.

It's a hard one to give advice because if I'm honest with you, I really, I don't know how to deal with that, you know, because I still suck it up and just get on with it because I guess I want people to like me. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh gosh. oh god um yeah well i i i as you should agree with uh with everything tom said there um i i just think that um it just doesn't matter you know somebody has a nickname you know it's got as much power as you allow it to have. And look, I know it's difficult when you're a bloke who feels self-conscious. When you're anyone who feels self-conscious about their appearance and then somebody says something that confirms the hang-up that you thought that you had and hoped maybe that you were the only one that had noticed.

It's a horrific thing. I would equally say, though, the other day I was on... Well, yesterday I was doing league Freddie Flintoff who is like one of my heroes and has since become a friend told me I looked good yesterday

the boost it gave to my self-esteem I was almost embarrassed about it's so tragic I was so mate I had like a proper spring in my step oh Freddie said I look good today

mate yeah Freddie by the way is incredible for that he's so sweet for that he's a lovely man lovely man love him to bits ready for another email my G?

yeah let's do it baby boy this is from Joey B. Wow. I'll skip detailing my admiration. Just quickly, as soon as you say

the name Joey B, I'm just thinking of a guy in a sort of like denim waistcoat sort of cut down, you know, denim jacket with no arms on it.

Just sort of sitting back fucking just chilled out. Well, I think it's a bit unfair to assume that he's a Berlin. But, um, so, Joey B says, I think it's a bit unfair to assume that he's a Bellend. So, Joey B says,

I'll skip detail in my admiration for you both, but trust me, it's there. Yes, Joey. Okay. I'm a proud glasses wearer, and I've been thinking about upping my third and fourth eye game. You two have always got such amazing frame choices, and I wonder where you got them from.

In particular, I'm keen to find out where ron got his aviator star frames i've been seeing him wearing on rob and ron versus um i thought i'd also share the following last night i had a dream that tom and i directed a lesser-known shakespearean play after disappointing initial rehearsals we decided to modernize the play language and all this somehow caused all the actors to constantly get it on like all the time no matter how politely tom and i asked them to stop there's just so much we can no longer reverse and we can the play uh as you can imagine i'm not i'm choosing not to think about the meaning of the dream too much love joey b joey b you are a legend my friend what a guy what a guy uh i just want to

high five you and just once again once again based on what is Joey B an absolute legend anyone who's got the absolute like now has to call himself Joey B on a fucking email I just like this guy a lot I like what he stands for so let's deal with the simple bit first

glasses wise before you carry on I just want to interrupt you a second. Thank you very much, JB, for what you said. Tom and I, as glasses wearers, don't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence. Tom Davis

and his glasses game is a... I'm not even in the same league as that geezer. You are next level, bro. Can I tell you that? It's a very much a, it's a very much a sweet, sweet run between the two of us.

There's times where I look at your glasses and I'm like, wow, this guy's just fucking, you know what? I feel like we're a little bit like two rappers from different sides of the, the, the line, you know,

like, you know, East West coast kind of vibe. And like every time you unleash a new pair of glasses, I am like, wowzers, wowzers, monsieur Tartrazzo. I like to look at them. And then I try and outdo you and you try and outdo me. I'm not trying to outdo you.

I look at your glasses sometimes and I'm like, wow, he has just stepped this up to another level. If I'm two-packing your Elton John and you're like... You're two-packing you're elton john and you're like you're like basically like you're two-pack and i'm elton john elton john's like a glasses wearer isn't he yeah two-pack isn't yeah no but two-packs like cool guy but he's got like a bald head obviously all right how come you get no disrespect to elton john obviously how the fuck are you two-pack no because like in the way

i look in the way you look like your vibe is very like i'd be like no do you know what i think that's fair i look about as much as like elton john as you look like tupac so yeah okay no but then i'm looking at you going he's done what he's he's like fucking released this kind of album and then i'm like trying to fucking release my version or no i I remember that. I remember that because T-Pack always said that Machiavelli was inspired by I'm Still Standing. They actually collabed together a couple of times. Yeah, they did. They're actually quite good friends, I think,

which is again like me and you. So it's sort of, yeah. The Shakespeare dream, I hate Shakespeare. I can't, he just really aggravates me. I think he's the most overrated... I think he's the most overrated person in the arts ever, maybe. Ever? You know, he wrote 3,000 plays, right?

So he writes 3,000 plays. Out of them, what, eight of them are any good? If anyone wrote 3,000 plays, eight of them would be decent, I think. Yeah. I mean, that's the approach I take to hosting things. And you know, he was a bully as well.

He was also... What are you basing this on? Are you like... I did my drunk history on Shakespeare. I did my drunk history on Shakespeare. Oh, okay. So, this comes from a producer of drunk history, then, basically. No, he also did a little bit of research on Shakespeare. Oh, okay. So, yeah. So this comes from a producer of Drunk History then, basically? No, he also did a little bit of research.

Okay. You researched when you did Drunk History? I did a little digging around so I'd have a little vibe to it. And I found out that he actually was, you know, he was a very rich landowner who basically used to really, like, pull people's pants down for their rent. So that's how he made all his money, so he could sit around writing play after play. And he'd pay people to say that were good and that's

now still people tell me oh they're really good because that sort of has bled down from generation to generation okay i mean i i trust you uh implicitly and i i love you whether i'm gonna now take that to be my opinion on Shakespeare based on what feels to be, if you don't mind me saying, quite a half-assed research project that you've put together

before doing Drunk History, I don't know. What I would say is that I do not understand why, and I'm saying this from a position of ignorance, I don't understand to this day why Shakespeare is revered in the way

that he's revered. If somebody could explain it to me, and I know that's quite arrogant, it has to be explained to me and maybe I should look into it a bit more and do my own research rather than ask you to email in, which I am doing, please email into thewolfowlpod at gmail.com. I don't fucking get it. I don't. I don't get it.

I don't understand. You know the thing that frustrates me is everyone goes oh Shakespeare this and Shakespeare that let me tell you something right like yeah he was

decent back in the day right but shit's moved on life has moved on it's basically like if you turn around now and look to the first car that was ever invented

right you go oh yeah that was actually pretty amazing for its time someone invented a car and it drove about a bit right you wouldn't fucking drive around in it now, though, would you?

You'd look frankly ridiculous. You wouldn't force people to study it in GCSE English, even though they're making them hate every minute of their time with it. And also, that actually, you know what? Whenever I see someone driving around in an old car like that, I think, all right, mate, show off. You think you're cool. No one else does.

Oh, the number of times I've seen somebody driving around in the first ever car. It's one of the things I get most annoyed about sometimes you'll be out and about in london or whatever or you'll be knocking around and there'll be someone in a really old you know one of those cars where they sit on top of it hasn't got a roof and they'll be driving around and sort of like they'll look very like up themselves and you sort of go all right yeah i get it you fucking think that you've broken the fucking egg or whatever, or you've like, what? What?

But you've broken the atom is what I meant. Right. I've always got like I've always got like a pipe and like fingerless gloves and they're sort of like their wife sitting there like she's just about fucking like just about still with it

it's just you know what I mean they're the people I just go yeah but they're doing are they normally doing that as part of like some sort of they don't do that do they

that's not how they travel that's not how they travel to the shops. I'd say, without any shadow of a doubt, I've seen that happen. Without any shadow of a doubt. I've seen it about three to four times a year for every year of my life, I've seen that, where someone's just doing that around town. And so everyone goes,

oh my God, look at an old car! And I'm like, yeah, look at the traffic behind it. So, hold on. Because they do this London to Brighton thing where all these old cars like that sort of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hate that, do you?

London to Brighton, I've got, yeah. Yeah, I mean, if I was trying to go down to Brighton for the day because it was a nice day, I was going to the beach, I'd actually be seething. I'd just beep and say, come on, mate. Yeah, okay. It feels like a weird thing to get angry about but alright

so there you go so in answer to your question about the dream there Tom really fucking hates old cars alright so next up this is from Sean Horgan Sean Horgan alrightis how's it going uh in your last episode tom mentioned

his adhd i've recently been diagnosed at the age of 31 i've been doing stand-up for the last two years or a year if you don't include covid times sometimes i really struggle to sit down and write material two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Whoa, what are you listening to this

for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly.

Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Tom, have you got any tips for a fellow sufferer of adhd i hope you both will and by the time this finds you we should have beaten the danes and be on our way to the final okay well that sort of dates the email slightly um so um oh god um yeah uh so i used to agonize yeah now first of all first of all can i just say you're an incredible human being hog man uh the hog master um uh i used to agonize the try and write stand up a lot actually a big shout out to roma schranger nathanathan. How I now deal with it is a different vibe.

Because I used to sort of try and write everything down like as tightly as I could. And then I'd go on stage and pretty much do something completely different. But then for about a week before any, the smallest of gigs, I'd sit there feeling sick, trying to sort of come up with exactly

what I was going to say on stage. And, you know, Romesh gave me some sweet, sweet advice, which was to sort of like have a vibe of what you're going to talk about and, you know, put back yourself to be funny with it. So obviously you want to know your jokes, go through them in your head. I mean, we've done quite a few gigs now, Rom, where you've gone through my set with me, which I realise is a very sweet, sweet thing that you've done.

I know, it's a lovely thing. It's the first time I'm sort of bothered to fucking acknowledge it. No, no, no, no. It means a lot because sweet thing that you've done. I know, it's a lovely thing. It's the first time I'm bothered to fucking acknowledge it. No, no, no, it means a lot, because I know that you're doing it, so it's in my head when I go on stage, and it's like, I often see myself as goose to your maverick. And, yeah, it means a lot when I'm like, yeah, this guy's got me. If we're fucking up against any battle, this guy's got me.

And in those moments yeah and I think actually it significantly raised my game as a stand up when I go up I go up without

these sort of limitations or the stress of worrying about exactly what's written phonetically in my pad and going oh I've got to go back to that I have to sort of

you know it took me a long time to realise that so Shirley Hoggs you know I'm not you know

I'm saying that as someone who and yeah when i'm writing scripts or whatever i'm writing i just don't give myself too much of a hard time to i realize that my brain is gonna fly off into 15 or 16 different things or i'll get distracted easily i find it hard to you know but what i do is usually i'll uh i'll make sure i sort of physically i sort of again going back to that, I train, I mentally prepare. But if my head's not with it that day, then I go, right, or I'll do some research or do something else that's equally as important than just sitting in front of your computer and writing.

And then when that time feels right, which always comes around, I'll be able to do that. But I'm going to give it over to Rom because, you know, this guy is a bastion of this advice. Oh, thank you so much, Tom. What wonderful, wonderful words. Well, look, the truth is I told Tom to do that, but it isn't definitely the way to do it.

I mean, I've talked about writing with loads of comics and everybody's got a different way of doing it. But I tend to, if you're struggling to write things down word for word it just depends what type of comic you are like i don't know how many comedians you know mate but milton jones for example or gary delaney these sort of one-liner comics i would imagine they have to sit down and write this stuff forensically because it's so it's so precise, their jokes, so they have to sort of figure out the exact mechanics of it.

Whereas somebody like Tom or somebody like myself, you're not really that... It's not that you're not worried about... You're just trying to... You sort of know where the funny is. You're trying to find where the funny is by talking it out on stage. So I often go on stage with... If I'm doing new material, I'll often go on stage with like if i'm doing new material i'll often go on stage with

like five words written down or ten words written down of things i want to talk about and try and find it on stage but i'm going to be honest it's a bit of a high wire act because if that goes wrong you just basically die on your ass for quite a while but it's part of the development process for me but equally there are some people I know who sit at a laptop and type it all out and say it word for word. And that works equally as well. So you've got to find your own thing, man. But if sitting down at your laptop is a problem,

then I would probably think about doing another method. One of the other things that I've done is I've actually got a bike and a stand. And, you know, on occasion, I have been known to do stand up to a wall. I've only done that a couple of times. What, really? Yeah, yeah. Really?

Yeah, I've only been able to overcome the self-consciousness of it twice. But I would say it's hugely useful. Really? Mm, yeah. Wowzers. of it twice but i would say it's hugely useful really yeah i mean you know does does lisa walk past and i can see her literally sort of dry up in front of me at the thought of ever touching me again yeah that does happen does lisa ever give you advice or like ideas of jokes? No. No. Lisa's very... Lisa's a funny person, as you know. Yeah.

But she just doesn't... I just don't think people close to you can give you advice on your stuff because they just know you too. Like... Yeah.

I just think it's a bit different. Whenever I do a bit to Lisa, she'll just go... She honestly... I've told you this. She'll go to me, I'm sure the people who like you

would like that. And you go, okay, well, I'm not coming to you for fucking feedback ever again in my life uh right tom do you want to do one more yeah the hawk monster let me just say do you brother go out there and smash it you've got this take it to the max oh speaking of taking to the max tom yeah a bit embarrassing so the new episodes of rob and ron versus dropped this week yeah well last week and uh thank you very much for all the feedback very been very nice i apparently say take it to the max in one of those episodes i don't remember saying it yeah so it is a catchphrase now i think

it might be somebody messaged me going just noticed to take it to the max from romesh there and rob and rom versus oh mate so there you go yeah you knowus. Oh, mate. So there you go. Yeah, you know, I think that your T-shirt, you could have like a take it to the max just like there. Like as a sort of like circular thing. Take it.

If Nike want me to do a take it to the air max sort of collab, let me know, guys. Shout out Adidas. They're doing some sweet, sweet things at the moment.

What are they doing that's so sweet? They got you to stand next to the Euro trophy, didn't they? They sent me some nice little golf bits, boy. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

Some sweet little things. What have I not... What the fuck? I fucking introduced you to Adidas. It's got some nice bits, boy. They don't know you play golf, do they? You need to put a video up of you playing golf. Oh, do you know what? Fuck that.

Do you know what? I'm not putting a fucking video up of me playing golf how are you getting on with your golf i've got a lesson later on today oh wow so worse you had a lesson the other day as well how far should i be able to hit the ball with a like a seven well how far yeah but i mean anywhere around 100 yards is good i reckon yeah i mean basically if i have 100 if i hit anything 100 yards with any club i need to have a hundred if I hit anything a hundred yards with any club I need to have a celebration because it's so

wildly inconsistent and then the other the other day I had a lesson and they did a video I can't it's actually embarrassing

what my body looks like swinging a golf club it's humiliating I would say I saw the video you sent you looked good it was a nice swing

you hit it well yeah but there was one that was front on. That one I sent you was from behind. There's one that's front on. Honestly, mate, awful. I don't look like a golfer yet by any stretch. Some of the golfers I've seen, we both look like golfers.

Do you know what I think would help me look like a golfer? Some fucking Adidas gear. Mate, it's so creepy in there. Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up. Don't want to hear it. So, last email. Hello, Wolf, Owl and Swan. If you could keep me anonymous, that would be great.

I haven't given myself an animal name yet, but my missus would probably call me Snake. Jesus. Oh, God, this doesn't bode well. I've been with my girlfriend now for over five years. We're in a good, happy relationship. I'm 29 29 so it's not a surprise that there have been previous girlfriends before her this is where the issue comes in i work in an office and i've been there for 11 years now and i love my job but an ex of mine has recently just started there and i see her on a daily basis

we're together for the best part of two years and when we split up we finished on good terms so it's no surprise that we still get along i have no interest in taking any further but the problem is i'm yet to tell my current girlfriend that she started there i'm really looking for advice is what's best to do tell her straight and potentially get grief as it's a situation she would not want keep it quiet and hope it never comes up or do i make a joke about it all and hope that she doesn't really care any advice would be great love the pod i'm a fan of both of your work. Anonymous G, you're no snake, my friend. You're no snake, and don't give yourself that hindrance nor that hiding.

You seem like a good guy, and I'm going to call you the sparrow. Listen. Take that as a compliment, if you can. I would say my brother that, um, I think, uh,

I think, uh, I think option three on that is the best way of dealing with it. I think honesty and saying what's going on is the best, the best way out of this saying, just telling her, just, just saying that,

you know, this is a situation. I mean, I don't know whether your missus now knows your ex or like your old friends or something. Uh, but, um, yeah, I, yeah, I think, yeah, I think that's the way to go with it. I think making a little bit of a joke about it,

I'd say that especially if there's no sort of feelings on either side, that is by far the best thing that you can do. So honestly, Prevaz, my friend, do it over a couple of glasses of Chardonnay and some uh sensations nuts which are amazing shout out sensations nuts okay look forward to hearing about how you got a box of those sent to you um uh sparrow just listening to your your email here there's one of two things going on here My biggest problem with this is that you haven't told your girlfriend yet.

And this could be for one of two reasons. One, your girlfriend's incredibly jealous and would get unreasonably upset about this, in which case that's an issue that you need to deal with. Or secondly, the other potential reason is that there is something going on that you feel something towards this ex of yours and that's the reason that you feel too guilty to always too worried about telling your girlfriend about it you know i say i'm reasonably upset about it by the way she might be reasonable you might there might be a reason there might be a track

record that means that this would make her upset like you know we don't know if you've uh cheated in the past or whatever i'm not sure so and i don't want to make any assumptions either way you need to deal with it if it's a look the truth is tom's right honestly it's the best policy you should have already told her really i mean as soon as it as soon as it happened you should have probably said something so there is a reason you haven't and you've got to examine that is that because you feel guilty because you do have feelings towards this girl or because um you're maybe part of you is hoping that something might happen or you want to be able to go out with her without your without your girlfriend getting upset or whatever you need to explore this and figure it out or is it because your girlfriend just lose her shit? The fact that you haven't told her yet suggests a problem.

I would tell her as soon as you possibly can. I don't even know if you need to make a joke about it. You just go, oh, my God, so weird one. Awkward, I'd say. You go awkward. Yeah, awkward one, awkward one, blah, blah, blah. You know, blah, blah. You know Eloise that I used to go out with?

Yeah, thanks for giving me a name. Yeah, Eloise, or it could be Rana, or it could be, you know blah blah Eloise that I used to go out with yeah thanks for giving me a name yeah Eloise or it could be Rana or it could be you know Susan yeah Shaniqua yeah

could be Shaniqua Laura yeah um Sunita anyway yeah started working

started working with me and just see what she does I don't think it's a big deal at all do you know what I mean so what we're saying is you just say look helen awkward one really awkward it's stupid really fucking silly but remember uh eloise that i used to go out with she's now working at my work it's fucking weird but actually yeah she's all right and and if by coincidence the two women involved are called helen and eloise we apologize profusely. So listen, Sparrow,

I hope that helps. I really, really do. Good luck with all of your endeavours. Tom, it's been quite, I would describe this one as quite a subdued one. We're quite tired, a little bit down from the events of the weekend. I think it's been a rollercoaster, this one.

There's been moments of jest and laughter I think it's been a rollercoaster, this one. There's been moments of sort of jest and laughter, and then there's been moments of sort of like solace. And yeah, like I say, man, I've enjoyed this ride with you. May I also say your cream jumper looks luscious. You look nice and cream. Thanks very much. I appreciate that. Just as we're about to dive headlong into the oasis that is Tom's finishing monologue,

we've had a number of emails from people who've assumed that you write these before we do the podcast, which is incredible. Not incredible. It's like, I guess they're so good that people just assume that you've pre-prepped them. But can I just assure you that Tom's closing monologues are very much in keeping with the rest of the podcast in that there is no pre-thought,

there is no planning, there's no preparation. I would go as far as to say there is no work really that goes into anything involved in this podcast. That is the biggest accolade that you could pay me, or Ramesh, is the fact that you think that I would sit down and try and labour over a minute-long monologue. If I'm honest, and throwing back to a learned friend from earlier, you know, our ADHD,

I wouldn't be able to do that. So it's with this I say, when you get dressed in the morning, you focus so, so heavily on the big things the big things that you know oh what shirt am i gonna wear uh what t-shirt what blouse what jumper you know what jean what skirt you know that's gonna that's gonna be the thing that's sort of really that's that's the peacocking i want or that's the oh that's the thing i feel comfortable in a beige you know a beige jumper with a brown pair of slacks.

You focus so, so heavily on, constantly just thinking about, thinking about, so people watch. But sometimes you forget about one thing. You forget about the humble sock that you put upon your feet. So let me take you to a man or a woman one day who's putting on all their clothes and they feel really good,

but they forget to wear socks. What do they end up with, you know, an hour into their commute or 45 minutes into the walk to work? They end up with blisters on the back of their heels because they've not thought about the smaller details. They've not thought about the smaller things. And I guess I'm not really talking about clothing, nor socks, nor jackets. I'm talking

about life and I'm talking about people. It's easy to think about the big things. It's easy to constantly focus on those outlandish big, big moments, the things that can grab your attention and you worry about or you stew about or you enjoy that little bit longer. And it's very easy also to forget about the smaller things, the smaller details. So when you go forward today and in life, think about the humble sock. Think about the smaller things.

And pay them the heed, no, the heel, they deserve. Alas, with a shoe. Wow. Can I just ask a completely unrelated question? Is there a sock on the table in front of you? No. Bitch. Bitch. Oh, God. Tom just showed me a pair of socks that were sat right in front of him.

That's what we said. Yeah. What I loved about that, I think my favourite moment was when you said, I'm not talking about clothing, nor a jacket, nor socks, as if they aren't items of clothing. And that is why these things can't be written.

Tom, beautiful work, my brother. We're going to do a bonus set this week, aren't we? Yeah, Thursday morning we're going to record it. We're not planning on getting smashed again, are we? No. So thank you so much for joining me, the owl, and he, the wolf, and another one of our fabulous

meandering journeys. We hope we'll see you again. God bless you and all who sell within you. Yeah, and we're about to confirm a date for the live show, so we'll let you know as soon as that's all locked in. Take care. Follow Wolf

Owl Pod on Instagram for news. Yeah. Love you guys take care bye bye peace peace peace if you have a problem opinion feedback or anything at all please email us at wolf alpod at gmail.com that's wolf alpod at gmail.com thank you