Wolf and Owl - Episode 33

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

We’re talking… morning walks, wasps and bees, hungover bug exterminators, TV recommendations, TikTok pasta recipes, a big debate about beans and being too old for bars and clubs. Plus, more of your email questions of course. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at CirqueDuSoleil.com Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. Yeah. Yeah, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? We'll be right back. That's an awful howler. Both of them are known to pull up at your shows. Have the crowd witnessing the murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows. Fuck the censorship. Let them see the whole thing.

They stay dressed to kill. Never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff of puff and a... Expect killings. Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing its head spinning.

Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. This one for the bad boys inside. Enjoy the ride. Oh, my gosh. Coming in. We're doing the ting. Oh, my gosh. Get ready.

Yeah, Rob. You're so sexy. Get ready to hoot and howl. It's time for the Wolf and Howl. Oh, this one. This this one wolf and i'll podcast inside the raid do you know what do you ever get halfway through those and feel like i know we've said this before you know what do you know what i went quiet for a bit there because i just didn't know what to do yeah i know but you also like because of your top today there's this westward

vibe in there oh no yeah sometimes i look at you and I'm like, if you weren't such an amazing comedian, you could have easily been like the new Tim Westwood. Oh, shut up, dickhead. How are you, Tom?

Mate, I'm sweating, boy. I just went for a long old sweet walk. And, yeah, sweating. With the dog, sweet walk. And, yeah. With the doggo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Took him. You've got to take him out. Have you noticed dogs are being called doggos now?

Have you noticed? I've never seen this. Is this a trend that you're aware of? Like, where I am, that would be frowned upon. Who's calling them doggos? Not on social media, people are frowned upon as doggos now. Took the doggo for a walk. Really?

Yeah. I don't know why I had to give you a sentence to try and make it a sentence. Yeah, no, it actually did help. I can't work out why they do that. Why would you like... They've been called dogs for ages. I know, but I think this social media has exacerbated this need to refer to things slightly differently or

you know... Jenny, just thinking about it, if I called my dog doggo, he would just look at me and go what are you talking about, you wanker? Okay, well there's a lot to unpack there. First of all, you know, you currently call your dog is a dog at the moment, but you don't call your dog dog, do you? Yeah, sometimes I go, dog's got a name. Dog boy. I call him dog boy sometimes.

You call him dog boy? What's his actual name? Landis. I call him loads of different things. You call him loads of different things. You call him loads of different things. I'm not a of different things. You call him loads of different things. I'm not a dog expert, but I would imagine that's incredibly confusing for a dog. I call him John Boy sometimes.

Right, right. I like to keep him on his toes. My dog's very intelligent, so sometimes it's a battle of wits between the two of us. So what I like to do is just really throw a little curveball at him now and again. He's not liking this weather, by the way. No?

No, he's shrugging. What would you have to do about the little pads on their paws? What do you do? No, okay, this is where you go out early, big dog. This is where you go out early. Okay. Listen, I don't mind you calling your dog different stuff. Don't start calling me dog stuff.

You go out early with them so the ground is in his heart and you just you know I got pied like twice today though go on what happened so since lockdown and everything and da da da I've become obviously a regular dog walker I make that

you know me and my wife go and I like the morning I love saying morning to people I get a buzz out of it well mate come on don't tell me

you're not a morning person I would do it if somebody does it but look I'll happily say morning to people I would it's just the

that wasn't what I was growing at it's the fact that you describe yourself as that person like you sort of really enjoy it morning

morning nice day nice day for it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get dizzy. Don't get dizzy and drunk. It's a simple morning. And then what I noticed is two people completely dismissed it

and didn't say anything. And the second one, I went, morning. What, again? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, nice. Do you know what second one i went morning like again yeah yeah yeah oh nice yeah you know do you know what we did uh lisa and i went for a walk the other day it was absolutely i would say it was we had a lovely morning right do you have that thing where just spontaneously decided to do a quick thing and you just have a lovely lovely time yes that's the best to do a quick thing and you just have a lovely lovely time yes the best spontaneity is a key of success yeah it is absolutely spontaneous spontaneity is the key to success you're right glorious prick

so lisa and i decided to go for a little walk to Tillgate Park in Crawley which is a lovely little park and we had a wander over they had a nice chat it was great and then went to the went to this little

food place little food kiosk they had so many vegan options I couldn't believe it so you're telling what you're telling me is it all came up wrong

it did all come up wrong little vegan hot dogs vegan bacon bap. Lovely. What did I have? I can't remember. It doesn't matter. Did Lisa have vegan stuff

to support you or me? Lisa, she doesn't ever do anything to support... I didn't mean that in the grand scheme of things. Well, she's been holding up this podcast for about a year, so...

Yeah, I know. Meal-wise. Oh, by the way, thanks a lot for all the emails highlighting how much better it's been since lisa's been selecting the uh the emails by the way thank you so much for that but um we were walking back and there was a guy riding his bike sort of towards us along this sort of path through the woods yeah and we had to just clear the way completely because it's quite a narrow little bit so we stood to the side I'm tense already I'm annoyed right we stood to the side

the guy rides past doesn't even make eye contact bro like just rides completely past and then Lisa goes

you're welcome just like really sort of aggy Catherine does it yeah Catherine to be fair we

it's my pet hate do you know actually to be fair like some cyclists you'll get every now and again when you get a really friendly nice cyclist it's like such a such a rewarding amazing thing isn't it when you get one that's just be really really kind and considerate who's just thank you something's going on yeah sorry there's a a fucking wasp has's just floating there. You look terrified. No, I hate them, man. I've got a real thing about them. I like the way that you've levelled up trying to look quite gangster today

and then literally sitting back really cool and a wasp comes into the room and your fucking arsehole just drops. I hate wasps. I hate all summer bugs. There you go. Do you know what? What a great statement. So wasps, what else do you hate?

Mate, I don't even know the name of them or what they do. There's a whole fucking raft of things. The only one I fucking have any time for is bees. I see a bee, I'm like, mate, well done. I'd fucking buy you a pint if you were big enough to have one. Right? And I'll fucking keep supporting the honey industry. How terrifying a pint that would be by

the way just having a fucking pint with a massive b what a horrific evening that would be no but like i look at them and i think mate you're incredible for what you're doing you're holding up the industry of life uh you're fucking basically can you sorry can you just qualify what you're saying you're holding up the industry of life what you do is because you like honey is that what you like this is the thing it's like you see the outset of honey right what they're doing is actually pollinating stuff and keeping uh flowers okay okay so mate what you see is like oh my god this is pathetic i genuinely love you of all my heart, but I do not... If I was out with you in a pub right now and you acted like this,

I would distance myself. And that's saying something, because I'd have a drink with anyone. Yeah, of course you would. You'd go and have a drink with a fucking stranger, yet you'd move away from me. No, if you were like this, your face is contouring into places I didn't even think were possible. You'd be absolutely terrified, but I didn't even think were possible. You look absolutely

terrified by a wasp. I just hate them. Do you think this wasp is going back to the other wasps now and going, if you want to laugh, mate, get yourself down. There's this geezer. I've never seen anyone terrified. What is he like? He's sat on his bed, all gangsta'd up,

like he's in Menace's Society. And what's ironic is he's wearing a hornet's vest. Fuck you, I mean, you've seen what he's like with us wasps, I'll tell you what, mate,

can you imagine if he saw an actual hornet? I love it if a hornet actually did turn up. Imagine if Craig went in there. Imagine if Craig the hornet went in there,

he'd fucking shit his arse. Have you ever looked on YouTube at like, Hornets take out a nest of wasps? No. Because like, Hornets are like proper bad boys. Hornets are fucking bad. Yeah, they're like the SAS or the fucking,

yeah, they're like a SWAT team. Yeah, if you go on YouTube and look at Hornet takes out wasp nest or whatever. Do you think the Hornets are doing that because they've got our back or do you just think this? No, I don't think they've got our back. A Hornet will kill you as soon as it looks at you. This is what I'm saying.

Bees are the only one that we can trust. You know the ones I hate? I hate with all my heart. Flies. Go on. Flies are the most disgusting thing. More than wasps? Yeah.

At least wasps have got a sting and they've got a little bit about them. Do you know what I mean? We've seen with you how terrified you are. What flies are disgusting they literally like sit around all day and shit and then just like come fucking and sit on your food like actually worse than wasps do you know how they eat your food how with their bums no do you know they do so do you know have you ever seen a fly like doing that with his hands like wiggling its hands? But there you go, me demonstrating a visual thing on the podcast. What they actually do is they puke up onto your food

because they can't chew or anything. So they puke up onto your food and they mix it with your food to dissolve it into a sort of soup and then they drink it with their little thing. That's how they eat. What's the point of flies? Does anyone even know? I mean, you could say that about any creature.

What is the point of anything? Well, no, but apart from bees. You can't say that about any creature what is the point of anything well no apart from bees you can't say that about bees no you're right and actually I do like bees and actually bees are in trouble aren't they

we need to we need to take this opportunity I buy local honey all the time shout out bees I look out for well yeah I look out for the local bees because obviously there's like

battery bee farms and stuff that make like all the like that's why we should sort of try and pull away from the sort of mainline honey places I mean obviously I don't eat honey don't you? no

why? because you're a vegan I'm vegan yeah I did not know that that was really horrible what you just did there you basically had to suppress a little fucking snort. Yeah, no, but earlier on in this chat, right, you're talking about bees like they're nothing,

and now you don't eat honey, which is their industry. You can't look at honey like... Bees don't die to make honey. Honey's not their industry. Honey's something they create for each other, and we go and fucking harvest it. Yeah, but you've got to think, without definitely... Without that, they've got nothing. I completely...

I'm on your side when it comes to cows, pigs and all the other animals that you won't eat because they've been killed. Ran out after pigs, did you? Chickens, yeah. Lambs, sheep, right. I'm fucking with you on all that, right? I can see your ideology and I kind of dig it, right?

But with bees, I'm like, these guys have have actually out of all of the people in the world they've gone look let's fucking do something for other people for actual people and and all everyone really let's make something sorry if you have you did you watch the bee movie you get carried away or something bees aren't doing this for our benefit. Mate, whose benefit are they doing it for? Their own, I believe. I bee-leave. Have you seen the bee movie? I love it. It's very good.

I might watch it this afternoon. I mean, there you go. That movie puts forward a lot of the arguments that the reasons that vegans don't have honey. I might actually watch it this afternoon again. It's a good film, right? Yeah. I love it it's actually got some genuinely great comedic bits in it joseph donnelly with that sort of stuff i've been watching a lot of old samuel recently oh yeah you tell me about that yeah it's very cool

i went on a travel show recently i can't say where i went but um well it happens actually on a lot of these travel shows where was it someone else's travel show no it's mine oh cool what we what's that no just wondering if you've been on like someone else's one no so um every now and again they'll go we're staying in this really nice sort of eco yeah hotel like eco it's really unique and blah blah and they are very nice the only thing is i know what that means is because they want to sort of sit in and amongst nature and not dominate it that means whatever creatures come in you just have to live with it really which means that yeah so you go into your room and in your like crawling on the wall are five creatures you've never seen before in your

life do you know i mean like just mad beetle waspy looking things and stuff like that and then i can't really i find it very difficult to sleep in those situations yeah i mean you see what i'm like with a wasp a regular everyday household not household let's forbid their household wasp like with those things i just freak out man when we were in um we in, we did the episode in Sahara, we had these like tents in the desert. We were desert camping. They're really nice tents. I went into my tent and there was this like enormous kind of beetle type cockroachy looking thing

with like massive like antlers on it. And I thought normally what I would do is, I don't know what I would do. I'd freak out and go somewhere else but I thought I'm going to be a grown-up tonight right I'm going to just sleep it's not going to come anywhere near me it's as scared as me as you know I thought all of the stereotypical things that you're told about to do with insects so I just lay in the bed and I thought I'm just going to go to sleep I swear to you I hear a noise. Two minutes later, I open my eyes.

It's on the bed running towards my face. I jumped out of bed. I screamed. And then I slept outside. I don't know why the logic. There's one insect in my tent. There's every other insect in the Sahara outside the tent.

But for some reason, I felt safer sleeping outside. I suppose it's like being in a ring, isn't it? As a boxer. You've only got one foe to worry about that you know is coming at you. Like, if you think about it, it's intensifying the fight when you're in just you in a tent. It's like being Conor McGregor in a cage. If you're out in the crowd with Conor McGregor,

he probably wouldn't even pick on you because there's so many other people to pick on and so much other stuff going on. But if you're just in a fucking cage with him, it's all about the fight. So, you know, that insects won the battle of wits and the battle of sort of violence against

you, I guess. First of all, I'm very impressed that you came up with that analogy as quickly as you did secondly the insect did not win the battle of wits with me no he did

he's basically got your big bed he's kicked back after you've run out he's basically come in from the outside by the way he was outside before you were so he's like he's seen you go into that tent and thought if that prick thinks he's seen me

in that tent tonight he's got another fucking thing coming just oh look at that naive little wanker yeah yeah that's right I tell you what you settle down

and then I might pop in there and we'll see who's tent man who's his trousers up real high around his around his armpits and everyone's like oh Dean's and we'll see who's 10th. Who's his trousers up real high, Radish? They're at his armpits and everyone's like, oh, Dean's going for it. And he's like, there's one thing I fucking hate, it's city folk.

I'm going to fucking show him. That is one of the things I, by the way, speaking of pulling your trousers up high, that's one of the, whenever we stay in weird places, not weird places, but places where they've got loads of insects and stuff. Today. Something is coming. Kong, Godzilla, places not weird places but places where they've got loads of insects and stuff today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together and teaming up or face extinction

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you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today i will tend to just kind of seal off all my clothing openings do you mean you pull your trousers up real high socks trousers up real high socks over the socks over the ankles of the trousers sleeves sort of as tight around my arms i could possibly get if i can gloves over the ends of the sleeves just completely seal myself up hood up over a half drawstring pull tight if a balaclava is available yeah i wear a balaclava just anything, yeah, I'll wear a balaclava. Just anything. Minimize the surface area. My only thing like yours, where like years and years ago,

I went to Zante, right? On a lad's holiday. And we were staying in this horrible fucking hotel. It was so grim. And one morning we woke up and it'd like be on set with these horrible little spugs. They were like fucking on everything.

Do you know what I mean? They were just everywhere. And my mate got some geodrant can, right? And a lighter. And he went round. Does this, so I always get slightly nervous when you name the person. I think it was.

For a couple of reasons. No, no, don't speculate now. One, because it's so needless. Nobody needs, not even I need that information, let alone anybody listening to the podcast. And secondly, now it sounds like you're about to tell quite an Asbo story about what this guy did. Yeah, but he went around with a deodorant can and a lighter

and basically sort of like torched them all. Like it started from like basically, he was really hung over to his credit and then he basically was like to his credit yeah he was hung over

it wouldn't be like Zante on a lad's holiday if you weren't fucking hung over would you do you know what I mean yeah but why is that to his credit

because he'd been out and had it he's fucking a part of the team okay yeah okay well done he deserves a medal hung over in Zante

go on hung over in Zante committing on hung over in Zante committing fucking insect genocide and we want to give this guy credit anyway he goes round like these were horrible bugs like they were really like mean little things

right and he's fucking going around and he's like trying to obviously he didn't kill a lot of them because they were so quick but he made loads of like burn marks all over the fucking hotel room.

To his credit. Yeah. And then we had to, yeah. He's actually, while we were there as well, he left an iron on, while we went out one night, and left it on a bit of carpet, right? And it burnt through the carpet. And when we got back, it was just like a massive iron shape i mean it could

have been worse it could have been a fire right couldn't it right it was just an iron shaped uh burn on the yeah on this carpet so massive fire hazard but that's zante in it what are you doing in zanti if you're not literally burning down an apartment and then all right yeah do you know what this is do i know what he did he went and brought one of those real fucking shitty knives that everyone used to buy. So he's gone and got a knife

and he cut the whole, where the iron was, the burn mark. And then he moved the wardrobe and cut over the iron mark to cut a piece. Okay, this is incredible. Now, this is credit this is credit god then

he glues it down right exactly where it is but obviously where it's been under the uh like wardrobe it's faded it's not so it's like more everything else is faded i've nothing was darker around it whatever and then so he had to darken it to sort of match the rest of it. So he, um, so he got some instant coffee and then started like darkening the thing. Uh, and like, you know, like when you stand back and I hug over state and we're like, Oh my God,

fucking hell. You'd never, that fucking, that's amazing. You'd never ever think that that was like there. And then it was your, was your, was your security deposit a million pounds?

And then when it came to leaving, they go, I mean, you're not getting your deposit back. And we were like, why? And he just took that and he put a fucking great hole in the floor. Like burn marks everywhere where he's chased you. Shout out, my guy. My guy. He's actually got quite a professional job now,

so let's beep out his name. What an incredible way to lose your job that would be, by the way. Oh, yeah, listen, mate. No, you're doing really well. You're meeting all your targets, but we just found out that you torched some insects in Xante, so I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. We just found out that you torched some insects in Zante,

so I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. Fuck your box. A kid leaving his office like rubbish out of a fucking tent in the Sahara. Tom, I need a box set recommendation, mate. Lisa and I have made two attempts. Well, I'm not going to name one of the shows that we attempted because some people we know are in it. But I tried to watch The Serpent last night. Yeah, I've not tried that yet.

Do you know what I've been watching, which is amazing, by the way? Go on. And I think you and Lisa will dig it. I know Lisa will. It's Heist on Netflix. I don't know why. I find it so, I find it so snidey

the way you go, I know Lisa Will. No, I just, because Catherine's really enjoying it. We've both enjoyed it, right? Yeah,

so they're both birds, aren't they? No, but they've got a similar sort of taste. What I mean by it, what I mean by this, right, is it's,

you know, it's very cool. It's very, yeah, it's just got a bit about it. Do you know what I mean? It sort of sits up and you go, fucking hell, this is a good show.

Heist, Netflix. No, it is. It's got a bit of edge to it. It's an interesting tale. Yeah, it's worth a watch, man. I think you'd like it as well. I'm not saying you won't like it. I think you will as well.

Yeah, well, anything to keep Lisa happy. So what's it about? It's about different heists that people have done. But quite normal people have done so it's like quite normal people have done I've only watched the first two at the moment

they're very interesting and it's the actual people being interviewed as they do it are they two completely different heists I think there's

three different heists on there so it's pretty cool we've only watched the first two so we watched that and we also watched Sophie

which is pretty hardcore which is about killing an island of a French woman, which is pretty sad, actually. And actually quite weird. It's actually one of the first things I've ever watched where you think, oh, fucking hell, the guy who's done it is actually being interviewed in the fucking show.

Is it a documentary? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like that sort of stuff? Not making a murder kind of vibe. Where a murderer's being interviewed. It really does depend. do you like that sort of stuff not making a murder kind of vibe where a murder has been interviewed um I I it really does depend

some of them I've watched and I've really enjoyed them and then others even when people have like raved about them I've sort of watched them I've not heard people raving about it I found it interesting

because it's like I'm gonna not want to ruin it for you or anyone listening but I I found it quite yeah I found that one quite interesting I also like

that part of Ireland as well caught West Cork and sort of like I didn't realise sort of they had the culture there and yeah I found it

I found that quite an interesting watch for most of you it's quite hard going at times so again you've really got you know

you can't be looking at your phone and sort of like fucking talking about like oh yeah fucking hell this is that whatever you've got to investing it okay you sort of you know what

the thing is about that is you're sort of saying it to me like i'm the sort of guy that does that when i know that you're exactly you're that is you 100 that is you like it's such a weird sort of displacement where you're you're you're basically what you've just said to me is i know what katherine says to you pretty much every time you watch when it came to this i was like i'm gonna invest in this i'm gonna give this my time and my patience and i'm sure and i what yeah i did watch it i just sat through it i was like fucking hell wow and it's still going on now so it's one for you it's one yeah it's one for the ages i quite enjoyed that so there's two you got uh thank you you watch sopranos yes i've watched the ages I quite enjoyed that so there's two you got uh thank you

you watch Sopranos yes I've watched Sopranos just in case I think we talked about this the problem

with Sopranos about um about how much they eat in Sopranos yeah yeah it's very difficult to watch that

show without going and like looking in the fridge and trying to eat something obviously sadly you haven't got some ziti in

your own fridge at home but um you know when Sopranos was good I used to sort of get obsessed you know like with trying to heat something up. Sadly, you haven't got some Ziti in your own fridge at home, but it does make you hungry. When Sopranos was going, I used to sort of get obsessed, you know, with making pasta to eat the next day. He always says it's better in the microwave.

Do you watch, do you watch, are you on TikTok? No, no. I've still not succumbed to it. Have you ever looked at TikTok? Yeah, when you sent me stuff. Sort of, yeah.

Don't do this. Why are you doing this? No, no, see, when you, yeah, like you sent me stuff, people sort of yeah don't do this why are you doing no no see we're like when you get like you sent me stuff people have sent me stuff i've enjoyed it tiktok is full of people making mad pasta recipes really what like yeah something about tiktok where they do things to the extreme so it's like they'll make them you know like there's loads of extreme foods on social media now like where they'll go most amazing milkshake ever then it'll be a chocolate milkshake then they'll put a snickers in it then they'll go most amazing milkshake ever then it'd be a chocolate milkshake then they put a snickers in it then they'll fucking ram a cupcake into the top of it

then they pour chocolate sauce over the top of that and then they'll stick two twix bars and they just go isn't this amazing and go yeah i mean you've put loads you sound like you you know like when you were at school and your friend would go to the caravans and make friends with the boy who's a bit older than everyone else like come back come back and go, oh, fucking hell, man. My mate Lee Wiggins has got, like, a skateboard and a BMX. That's how you sound when you're talking about TikTok. There's what? That's genuinely how you sound.

You're like, oh, fuck. Mate, you've got to see TikTok. It's so cool. Like, everything's to the extreme and pushed to the max. God, I see TikTok. It's so cool. Like... I'm complaining about it. I'm not saying it's a good thing. Like, everything's to the extreme and pushed to the max. Oh, God. Arrabbiata's just not enough for people on TikTok. Oh, God.

It's so nice. Like, moving your head around, like, exasperated. Oh, God. You're like Kate Hudson out of a 90s rom-com. I wasn't moving my head around. It's like you're Jennifer Aniston or Kate Hudson in a 90s rom-com. I wasn't moving my head around. It's like Jennifer Aniston or Kate Hudson in a 90s rom-com. And you just met the man

of your dreams. He's so amazing. He eats with his mouth closed. TikTok. TikTok. You know you just said TikTok three times a second times any comment it just makes me laugh so much

that's the most excited I've seen you about anything I'm not excited listen this is the whole point of the thing yes I was I did sound like that but I'm not saying it's a good thing I'm saying it's mental I don't agree with it I'm not going to

get sucked into tiktok I've not been sucked well you know i do look you do yeah you're on tiktok by the way thanks to me i've been posting some wolf and our video oh really yeah anyway i'll try i'll talk about pasta the point is on tiktok they do like they do this like really cheesy pasta like where they get the you know rigatoni big wide ones, and they'll put them face up and then they'll stick cheese into each of those tubes and then they'll pour cheese over the top of it

and then they'll melt it for a bit and then they'll sprinkle cheese. Like really mad recipes. I love the sound of that. I respect people who push pasta to its limits, so I've got to say. When I was at university,

before I'd gone to university, my mum made this amazing mozzarella tomato pasta bake. This is in my pre-Veegs days, obviously. Pre-Veegs? Oh, my God. I was being deliberately... Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me.

No, I'm sorry. There's a couple of things to the TikTok thing and that. There's a little vibe about you today. Like, I think that to complete the hat trick, you've just got to call your trousers slacks. And then we're done. Oh, God, you've absolutely fucking turned me over. This is a bad one for me today.

Oh, I didn't realise I'd be doing a podcast with you and you're absolute pomp you're like a goalkeeper in his late thirties oh god I love that anyway I tried to make that dish at uni my mum's mozzarella pasta bake,

and I had no idea how to cook, so I just knew it was mozzarella, tomato and pasta. So I just took a pan and I took some mozzarella and I just threw it into the pan. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. And it just instantly burnt and crusted to the bottom of the pan. Were you sharing the pans with other people? No, these were like my own.

When you go to uni, my mum took me out and bought... Yeah, sorry, but my mum took me out and bought me a set of saucepans to take to university. So that was that one fucked. And then, for some reason, I think, you know, there's lots of measures of intelligence, right?

And I think education and all of that affects stuff. And obviously genetics have a part to play. There's certain things that show you to be truly stupid. And this is the thing that I would say showed me to be like really fucking thick. I did that another two times. What? So you went through three saucepans? Yeah. That's a whole set.

In the end, I say I managed to get the shit off the bottom of the saucepan. But what I'm saying, I went through an entire... Basically, what you're saying is you aimed to be a chef and became like an amazing dishwasher up. Yeah, I guess so. A potman is what they call it. Yeah, a potman. I became an amazing potman. Yeah.

Do you know what you want to do? You want to turn it onto a low heat, right? You want to put a little bit of oil in. Cut your... I know that. Okay, look. I know I have to do it now. No, just in case you were too scared to try it again. Okay, go on. to a low heat right you want to put a little bit of oil in cut your i know that okay okay look look i know in case you're too scared to try it again okay go on go on you lightly saute the onions right so they're soft but not burnt brown them okay then you're getting a little bit of garlic

then you can throw in a little bit of oregano which is nice just to give a little mix you then put in your tomatoes okay so then you get that buzzing a little just to give a little mix. You then put in your tomatoes, okay? So then you get that buzzing, a little bit of salt, a little bit of pepper. The key to a good tomato sauce, a spoonful of sugar, okay? I agree with you. Really nice. I'd go a teaspoon to your, I imagine, two tablespoons.

Right. If you like to live on the edge of life, maybe like a little teaspoon or something of paprika or some sort of like spice. I like my pasta spicy. Okay? I'm not going to lie. All right?

And then you stop. Why would you lie about that? Then you stop. Then you start boiling your pasta in a separate pan. Okay? In a separate pan. Okay? While the tomato sauce is bubbling away.

It's a very aggressive cooking show you'll pitch you know you then take a ladle full of the pasta water and you put it into the tomato sauce

so tell me why that why you why you do that I've heard that before will thicken your sauce and make it a real thick glorious sauce it will really

really add to it okay you then strain the pasta you can wash it i always wash it off with a little hot kettle of hot water so you get rid of the starch and makes it you know then you put it back in the pan a little bit of olive oil over it give it a stir so it doesn't all stick then and only then romesh you put the mozzarella in with the sauce okay and then you put the pasta,

mix it all together. And boom, you got yourself a lovely pasta dish. Yeah. And if I was still the 19 year old university student that I was when this happened, I'd be thanking you for your new information. Yeah.

But I'm just thinking now that there's probably a sweet little soul who's, and he's literally going to start uni soon. And yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. to start uni soon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I want to show off to all my friends and fucking show

what I'm about in the kitchen. You know? And then puts that dish together. He's got one dish now. He makes that once. He's got all the friends in the world. I don't know how you do it.

And then every now and again go, can we come round to yours and have that pasta dish again? And he goes, yeah, you can. You're talking about the wolf special. The wolf in a house special, man. I couldn't have made it without you, mate. That's the thing about I couldn't goes, yeah, you can. You talking about the wolf special? The wolf in our special, man, I couldn't have made it without you,

but that's the thing about, I couldn't make that without you messing up. Oh, thank you. What a wonderful thing to say. Oh no, I can't be out of ink. Not now.

Megatank. Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Megatank. Yes, it do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Megatank. Yes, it's a Canon megaphone.

Megatank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Megatank. Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Megatank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time.

Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really?

Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. One of the things I discovered about cooking, cooking down onions revolutionises most recipes, right? Yeah. I make a chilli, five-bean chilli, right?

If you take your time to get those onions broken down completely... What five beans do you use? The difference... Generally. Cannellini, black beans, kidney beans, something else, something else. I can't remember the other two. It's a three-bean chip, isn't it? Everyone says five.

I don't think there's even five beans in the world, mate. You don't think there's five beans in the world? Right, I know cannelloni. Okay, you don't know cannelloni. Cannelloni's a pasta. Right, yeah, cannelloni beans. You mean cannellini. Cannellini beans. No, not cannellini because cannellini's a pasta right yeah cologney beans you mean cannellini cannellini beans

no not cologney cologney's an aftershave right and then I know kidney and I know black beans right I know them because I've got them

in my cupboard downstairs okay like they're sitting there there's black eyed beans they're the same as black beans there's baked beans yeah baked beans what's it called

aren't they they're what the other beans the first ones we talked about. They're cannellini beans, are they? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, let me just have a look, because... I know what you're doing, is you've been sucking into buying a five-bean mix from off the market. No, I don't buy the fucking mix. I don't buy the mix, bro. Okay, here's the five beans that are in a five-bean chilli. Really?

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, God, I've actually been done, I know. Hold on, let me just have a look at another... Hold on. the mix bro okay here's here's the five beans that are in a five bean chili really yeah oh no oh god i've actually been done i know oh let me just have a look at another hold on you've done yeah i don't know i might be done here oh god tom you're fucking absolutely ripping it okay hold on a sec let me just have a look five bean because the first one i looked at it just said tin of mixed beans it's always a tin of mixed beans and there's not even five of them like all the other beans are like who the hell

are these other two we've never even heard of them don't start doing a bit where the beans are talking to each other please for Christ's sake all you get is

putting a tin of I've looked at three I've looked at three fucking recipes here oh god you know why it's called a five bean chili

and this is no offence because I I dig vegans I dig veg vegetarians it's to make five-bean chili? And this is no offense because I dig vegans, I dig vegitarians. It's to make it sound more exotic and more, like, sexy. If it was just called a three-bean chili, you'd go like, yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'll tell you, nothing gives me an erection like the number five.

No, I'm just saying. Like, it's like there's an air of aloofness to a five-bean chili because you're like, oh, yeah, what are the other two beans? Okay. Do you know what, Tom? I've got to hold my hands up here i've looked at five recipes now yeah ironically and they all say mixed beans and then two other beans yeah mate it's it's it's a whole yeah but that doesn't mean there aren't five i don't know what is in a tin of mixed beans bear with me one second caller okay i'm looking at the tesco uh cannellini beans yeah

flageolet beans and adzuki beans i mean flageolet sounds like a fucking sti right let me just say those those two there are made up beans they're just it's three beans okay there's like i i look if we've got any bean experts who listen to this, and shout out anyone who's... I would say, Tom, we don't actually need a bean expert. We just need somebody that isn't us to bring some... You know what I'll say as well is this. If you really want a nice chilli, it's put baked beans in it.

You're talking about the same baked beans that I mentioned earlier and you looked at me like I'd just been racist. No. Put baked beans in a chilli or put baked beans in it. You're talking about the same baked beans that I mentioned earlier and you looked at me like I'd just been racist. No. Put baked beans in a chilli or put baked beans in anything. A sausage casserole. Vegetarian sausage casserole. Yeah. Baked beans. Yeah. Absolutely anything. An apple pie, a trifle. No.

Do you know what's really good? Genuinely. Baked bean curry. Yeah. That was something I made at uni. Oh mate. It's absolutely delicious. I would love to. When I come round to your house, I want to have your baked bean curry. Oh, do you know what? I'm sure Lisa mate. It's absolutely delicious. I would love to. When I come round to your house, I want some of your baked bean curry. Oh, do you know what? I'm sure Lisa and Catherine will be absolutely delighted if we all meet up

at one of our houses for a nice little sleepover after you and me tuck into a big old baked bean curry. If you bring a vat of baked bean curry around with you. Like a Tupperware box with a big old load of fucking baked beans in it. Oh, God.

Right, Tomo, do you want to do some emails? Let's do it, my G-mo, baby. Okay. Oh, before we carry on with this, I don't know. I haven't seen what emails this one's picked out, but I have been looking at the emails. As you know, I read all the emails. And lots of people disagree with us about the onion thing and the curry.

Oh, wow. In fact, I would say it's almost unanimous apart from us. Do you know what I'm going to do then? It's me and you should go out for a curry and try it together and sit. What an insanely tenuous way to sort of beg a curry with me no i'd love to do that but apparently what you do is you mix the pickle with the onion um it's really delicious i'm gonna try it i'm gonna get a curry at some point when do you want to go for a curry i mean look it's free it's the day after freedom day yeah we can do it we could have done it beforehand, to be honest.

I actually prefer restaurants the way they were before Freedom Day. I'll tell you what I do like pre-Freedom Day. Ordering with the app. Yeah, I love it. So good. You click on a thing. Well, I mean, I was about to explain how apps work. But you sit there, a couple of clicks on the phone,

20 minutes later, some food gets brought to you. Because you know what? It's amazing. I have not missed. It's queuing at a fucking bar with a fucking tenner in my hand to be absolutely fucking avoided by any bar staff who won't make eye contact with me while I pick anyone else up. This is an interesting one.

Because obviously, as we all know, if you are a woman, you get served more quickly than a bloke. And that's fair. I'm happy with that. But there is something about looking how I look. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's my technique or whatever.

It takes me ages to get to the bar. I've got friends who literally go out to the bar. They'll go by their round. It's so quick. Like, you know, this... The thing is though, Tom, I'm quite a passive bar cure.

So I just stand and wait and wait and wait and get sort of annoyed. Some people, actually, there's a technique to it. There are people that sort of use their elbows and look for little openings. My mates do this, where they go, like, quick round here, and they, like, duck and dive,

and they'll manage to do it much more quickly. Yeah, but this is what I'm saying, is also that is, I believe in bar cueing, right? And this is what those apps have brought, which is lovely, is that the cueing, the clue is in the queue do you know what I mean I think queueing

is one of my favourite things when a queue works I really respect it but when you see people sort of cutting in and jumping in without thought or care in the world

like you know when I turn around and if I've jumped in a queue by accident you know if I've gone in front of someone

I'll always turn around apologise and take a step back. Yeah, that's why you're such a gentleman. Yeah, but it's like, if there's two people left at a bar and both you and that person know you've been queuing, I've been queuing longer than them, and they go, who was next?

I can't stand the people. They have no place in society, the people who go, oh, I wasn't in order before you. I hate those people. Those people are scum. I completely those people. Those people are scum. I completely agree with you. Absolute scum. If you're listening to this podcast

and you're that sort of person, just turn off now. I genuinely don't want you. You know what? Yeah, if you are the sort of person that does that, we do not want you listening to this podcast. I don't want you to engage with anything we do. I don't want you enjoying any of our work.

No. I don't want you to come up to me in the street. I mean, you wouldn't do anyway nobody ever does but so okay you're done you're done over go and go and get a drink in front of someone else who's been going longer you piece of shit do you think you're gonna go and um go to a nightclub no i haven't gone to a nightclub for fucking 10 15 years anyway like do you know what what happens if i walk in the nightclub pre-lockdown is I think, oh my God, I'm so happy I met my wife.

And I spend the whole night thinking that. Do you know what, mate? I went out, not to a nightclub even, to a pub. Different pubs have got different age ranges, just naturally, the natural order of things. I remember being in a pub with my friends and looking in the mirror, not deliberately, just the mirror on the wall of the pub and seeing how we looked in relation to the other people in

the pub i thought we looked like a group of old men that have come here to kind of let me tell perverse let me tell it's horrible let me tell you something right i remember years ago and i was probably before i met because pre-pre-meeting katherine so i was probably late 20 early like 30 31 whatever one of my mates very close and i won't name you this time but he was you know probably it was before I met, because it was pre-meeting Catherine, so I was probably late 20s, early 30s, 31, whatever. One of my mates, very close, and I won't name him this time, but he was late 40s.

We have a big group of mates who have all knocked together. Some people's older brothers, whatever, right? So we go to a club, and he is single. And back in the day, he was a stunning looking geezer,

like a proper lad, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Bit of a Romeo. Time has not been kind to him, but he lad do you mean like you know yeah bit of a romeo time has not been kind to him but he doesn't see that you know like like we're talking about an older footballer he doesn't know that the skills and and all that have gone right so he's now walking around and he's trying to chat up every girl in there and these girls are you know whatever sort of like you know 20s 30s whatever too young for him you know and he comes over to me and i'm

like do you think it's maybe time to sort of like look at you know and he comes over to me and I'm like do you think it's maybe time to sort of like look at you know going on the internet or going on Tinder meeting someone worthwhile

you know trying something a bit more worthwhile than sort of going around sort of chatting to these younger girls and you know

making a bit of a wally at yourself he said I think it's a bit sad doing that I thought well no one's ever burnt a sad man's

house down it's like you know what I mean? Yeah, this is more tragic than anything you think that, you know. There is something about blokes where some men, just all

they need to do, I just think there's something about blokes where they don't realise what level they're operating at. They don't realise what it looks like. Do you know what I mean? So they'll see a woman and like a girl and they'll go and start chatting to them. All you need is to just

have a picture of what you look like alongside that girl, right? And realise that this shouldn't be happening. You should not be talking to this person. It's so mad how blokes don't see that. I find it so weird. It's insane. I mean, to be fair,

but if we were talking in that, both me and you wouldn't be married right now. No, I mean, yeah. But also, like, I remember a time when he came over to me and he went, I'm exhausted. And I was like, why? He went, I'm chirping so many girls in here tonight.

I've got a table over there. I've got that. And I was like, you sound like you're working here. I've got a table over there I've got that and I was like you sound like you're working here like you're a waiter how's that enjoyable imagine you feel you're tired now

imagine how knackered you're going to be after all the court goes okay this is by the way shout out man I'm not going to say his name

but he's found love now and he's very seldom so yeah yeah cool yeah and ignore what society says you two deserve each other so hi to the wolf owl and swan just wanted to say most weekends me and my girlfriend So, yeah. Yeah, cool. Yeah. And ignore what society says. You two deserve each other.

So, hi to the wolf, owl, and swan. Just wanted to say, most weekends, me and my girlfriend chill out and listen to your podcast. We're now together. I started listening to this when we were only dating. Wow. I think your podcast brought us closer together, so thank you. Sweet. After hearing your decision on Indian cuisine, we had a debate on what is our favoured meal,

Indian or Sri Lankan food. My girlfriend, who is Sri Lankan. Right, stay away from our women, mate. I'm joking. My girlfriend, who is Sri Lankan, right, stay away from our women, mate. I'm joking. My girlfriend, who is Sri Lankan, loves her home-cooked food. I've grown up eating Indian food

as it was the option aside of chippy in my village. Both are great. What do you guys sway towards? P.S. We both eat the salad given in the takeaway.

It can act as a refreshing side next to a normally heavy meal. I don't see how a salad can be lighter than not eating anything. I'll give you the onions. I'm not having how a salad can be lighter than not eating anything. I'll give you the onions. I'm not having, the salad isn't for me.

Yeah. Salad's a fucking joke. Also buzzing for King Gary to start again from Joe and Sahani. Uh, Tom, have you ever had Sri Lankan food? I have had Sri Lankan food. That little gaffe in Soho that does it.

Very nice. Hoppers. Hoppers. Or Paradise. There's Paradise. Hoppers is the one. Yeah. I've done hoppers

it's very very nice um to be fair I went to hoppers it blew me away I haven't had enough I live in a small town that has

a Chinese takeaway a curry house and a fish and chip shop so it hasn't got you know I'd love it to have Sri Lanka Sri Lankan food

is underground isn't it in this country Indian food is like it's one of the big four yeah I'd say it's the big one I'd say Indian food is the biggest I don't think pizza or Chinese takeaways or fish and chips are going to get in a rumble with Indian food I don't think anyone will I would love I don't know if if either of us have ever had authentic Chinese food because like it's been so when you see authentic Chinese food. Because, like, it's been so...

When you see actual Chinese food, like, when you actually see pictures of proper Chinese food, it looks so different to whatever I've been served on a Chinese restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we all live off... Like, this is why I've now gone, like, Sri Lanka... Yeah, if I'm in London, I'll go with whatever. But Indian food, if I've tried to...

As we're both trying to lose a bit of timber, you can get an Indian takeaway and you can eat relatively healthy do you know what I mean you can still you know

Chinese takeaway all the good stuff is so unhealthy like I find it like authentic Chinese food or even Thai food is that little bit healthier but actually

Chinese takeaway I'm just drawn to like everything that's beige like I will start my order off going on I'm going to have this thing that's healthy but I will go I might get some chicken balls and some spring rolls and that's beige. Like I will start my order off going, I'm going to have this thing that's healthy,

but I will go, I might just get some chicken balls and some spring rolls. And that's all, that's the stuff that we've westernized over the years, isn't it? There's a lot, yeah. There's a lot of,

in the sort of bog standard Chinese, there's a lot of fried stuff that you pour things over. Yeah. Isn't there? Yeah. Yeah. I love it.

I'm obsessed with it. Yeah. What do you have with a ball? Do you, I mean, you could... With a ball? No, yeah. do you have with a bowl? With a bowl? No, yeah, because you've got pork balls, chicken balls, prawn balls.

Do they do a vegetarian option? Wantong, I guess. Yeah, there's a Chinese restaurant near me and they do vegan and veggie alternative series.

Tell you what, don't luck out where you live. Do you think Crawley's become more that way because you live there? A hundred percent. I think restaurants have opened here

on the hope that I'm going to spend enough money at each of their places. No, but genuinely, where I live has not got that vibe. Yeah, but you're

in a smaller town. Yeah, yeah. Crawley's quite... Cosmopolitan. We've got Wagamamas. Oh, yeah. Wowzers. Wagamamas. Just, sorry, while we'reitan we've got wagamamas oh yeah wowzers wowzers wagamamas just sorry while we're on the subject of wagamamas i must say while we're on it i've

crowbarred it in lisa and i had wagamamas the other day almost impossible not to overorder wagamamas yeah but also i think the i if i think if i'm gonna throw someone under the bus i'm sorry wagamamas you know I just, I can't have you. They don't sell prawn crackers. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? Mate, prawn crackers are my favourite thing. That is, prawn crackers and poppadoms are the two things.

Like, if anything, if I'm ever in hospital, right, and you want to know what to bring me, I want you to bring me 40 poppadoms and two big bags of prawn crackers. Yeah, he's in there for a heart attack, but do me a favour and take him as much fried stuff as you can carry. You can feed them to me then, and they're easier to eat. I can't imagine a more tragic sight

than me visiting my friend Tom after a heart issue. The nurse walks in and says, oh my god, you're at it again, Romesh. Just sees me brushing prawn cracker crumbs off your chest. No! Like,

if I've got a broken bone or something. Right, okay, yeah. Yeah. If you've got a broken bone, I'm not fucking visiting you in hospital. Hey, fuck it all, you better do. No, like, he's broken his If you've got a broken bone, I'm not fucking visiting you in hospital. Hey, fuck it all,

you better do. No, like, he's broken his arm and they said he can go home whenever he wants, but he's insisted on spending the night. Just so you could tell. He really,

he says he won't leave until you bring him some poppadom. Or crackers. Yeah, but I want all the sauces and stuff. Yeah, no, no, yeah, yeah. I'll put the chutneys, so I'll just sort of balance the chutneys

in a little dish on your stomach. I want my fucking cup. With soy sauce and some sweet chilli. Oh, my God. But, yeah, listen, first of all, Wagamama's is Japanese. I don't think prawn crackers fits into that. Yeah, into that. That other, Batsuaya, what's it called?

The other Thai, I suppose it's Thai, isn't it? Mm, mm. There you go. They're different cultures, mate. Listen, do you know, this you go. They're different cultures, mate. I respect that, yeah. This is one of the lowest, not lowest, but genuinely,

I once tried to take some prawn crackers into a Wagamamas because I think like... Oh my God. No, because ramen's amazing with prawn crackers. Right. To dip prawn crackers in ramen is like a blessed feeling.

You look heavenly and say fucking thank you. You're actually looking... By the way, guys, Tom look heavenly and say fucking thank you. You're actually looking, by the way, guys, Tom is actually looking up to the sky. It's the closest I've seen to having a religious experience.

What? It's about dipping prawn crackers into ramen. And I went in with my prawn crackers and yeah, they said I couldn't have them in there.

Yeah, of course. You don't take food from another fucking place into a restaurant, man. Yeah, no,

I mean, I actually think you should be able to. I realise that. I mean, you try. Yeah, no, but mean, I actually think you should be able to. I realise that. I mean, you try. Yeah, no, but I think... That's your philosophy.

I think that people should be more open-minded when it comes to that sort of thing. You know, it's like poppadoms actually work with some Chinese food. When I've had, like, a Chinese one night and a sort of curry the next night, you have, like, oh, actually, hold up,

get the poppadoms over here. Let's get these in the mix with the Chinese and see what it's like. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. over here let's get these in the mix with the chinese and see what it's like oh my god i can imagine you also saying that to your poor wife with that sort of tragic enthusiasm she's absolutely furious that you've got takeaway two consecutive nights and you've got older than a sec katherine you've got hold of the set, Catherine. I know you're angry,

but I thought we might have found ourselves an opportunity here. Before I was with my wife, I used to have takeaways every night. I bet you fucking did. It's incredible that you think that's new information. I used to sort of like, yeah, man, mix and match and fucking hell. Oh, you know, it's so sad. I think one of my many ongoing epiphanies about how much I was eating

was when I opened the fridge to put some takeaway in there, only to find that I'd have to move some of the other takeaway to fucking accommodate it. It's so pathetic anyway joe and sahani uh i i love indian food but obviously i've grown up eating sri lankan food so every now and again my mom brings me around sort of like some of our home cooks and also joe and shahani um we treasure you both and treasure your love you know thank you for listening to the podcast and let your relationship grow uh like a blossom flower upon a sunny meadow what's a blossom flower

like a really pretty flower you know okay next uh email hi wolf and al just came across the podcast a few weeks ago. It's getting me through working from home. I went to the cinema for the first time this week since pre-COVID times. I've missed seeing new films at the cinema, but there are aspects I really haven't missed. There was an irritating couple who sat behind us

and wouldn't stop talking, kept rustling their bags, and the food they brought in absolutely stank. I was massively relieved when they walked out halfway through the film and I was able to enjoy the rest of it peacefully. What are your worst cinema experiences? Thank you, Marcus,

for giving us what is an openly content-generating email there. Can I first of all say... What did I say his name was? Yeah, his name's not Marcus. His name's Mark. I'm Mark. I don't know why I said that. It's because his surname sort of has a US...

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Big shout out, Mark. Thank you for listening and being one of our kin. Cinema experiences at the back. We've talked a lot about cinema. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think I've talked about nearly all of my bad experiences at cinema. I sort of...

The only thing I like in the cinema is if altogether everyone in the cinema could you could pause a movie and everyone would go to the toilet and get more snacks together when you're at home now technology is so fucking amazing if you had a button on your phone and if over 70%

of the cinema pressed pause on their phone that meant the film would go we're pausing at a moment like fucking 70% of the cinema pressed pause on their phone, that meant the film would go, we're pausing at a moment, right when it comes to a certain moment in the film, and then you could all just go to the toilet and get, so you don't miss anything of the film,

is what I'm saying. How do you decide when to unpause? You have to have another vote? Yeah, it's like, no, no, you just wait. When you get back in the cinema, you just press play on your remote, on your phone. Yeah, but who decides when it starts playing? Again, it's down to sort 70 percent of people want 70 percent of people are back in yeah then you press play

again i think it's a pretty cool idea do you really think that's generally yeah there's loads of times genuinely there's loads of times where i've missed like you know you sit there and go because you know you hope for fucking like like c bit of c storyline to start so you can sprint to the toilet as quick as you can and grab a bit more popcorn right it's like fucking absolute like you're like fucking hell like trying to right and hoping you don't miss like an integral point but obviously you're in the fucking late part of the second act of the film or the early part of the third act i understand the desperation if you need to go to the toilet the idea that you're absolutely

gagging for more popcorn and you find that so frustrating. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'll have another large please. No. Yeah. Right.

Let me just tell you something about popcorn, right? It's fucking rigged. Okay? How is it rigged? Because all the good stuff's in the top two thirds of it. All right?

The ironic thing is the fucking beginning of the film you've got all the good popcorn middle of the film you're still in the pretty much a good popcorn coming towards the end of the pop film you're in the shit popcorn it's all those dry bits of like aren't pop kernels right like shit all the crud right okay so you've got about this much right that is just cruddy out of like that much right out of a big popcorn if you can imagine the last third of it is cruddy right can you just put your hands up again just for the benefit of the listeners so how much is it right so that much right so the size of my head is a popcorn thing right that much is good and that much is crud so if you're sitting like that, watching it and eating, and then you get to the cruddy bit,

it can ruin a fucking barnstorming film finish, right? Yeah, sure. I agree with you that the bottom part of popcorn is shit, but it's not rigged. Yes, it is. So why? Because you buy more. Unless you have to take it and go, excuse me, this bottom... No, but what are they supposed to do?

Right, okay. Let me just say to you if you went and brought a beef burger and the last third of it tastes like old dog shit well i'll tell you right say right your favorite thing in the world a vegan sausage roll shout out coughlin's bakery by the way i actually met uh the wife of the guy who runs coughlin's bakery bakery the other day she's an at sam is an absolute saint. My God, I thought Coffin's Bakery. I was like, yeah, you two are what a perfect couple and what an amazing pair of people.

The bacon turnover. The vegan bacon turnover at Coffin's. I told my parents about Coffin's. I should say that both my parents are in the vegan-vegetarian realm now. Are they? Yeah, they crossed over it's

a long story it's actually quite a sad story but um okay it's not yeah it isn't isn't but um so yeah so they're very very excited and i spoke to sam and sam said that coughlin's uh bakery uh we're gonna look after my parents so shout out coughlin's big love to you anyway vegan sausage roll right that you love from coughffman's Bakery, right? Okay. I've heard this, people talk about this. I can't wait to have it. By the way, they do a footlong one, though. Right, okay, you're having the footlong, right?

Okay. The first two thirds are amazing. You're walking down the street, your mouth's watering, you're savouring every bite. Everything's perfect. You get to the last third, it's just gristly,

like someone's run their ball bag over it. It's just disgusting. Right? What do you put up with that? No, but Tom, first of all, you took me so long to give that example. If we were in a court of law, you'd have lost. No, I wouldn't have lost because it's a completely different example. First of all, the bottom part of a popcorn box doesn't taste like someone's

rubbed their ball bag over it, okay? What it is what it is is it's like the little smaller bits that have gone down and a couple of unpopped kernels maybe the question i'm asking you is what do you want the cinema to do about that because some bits of popcorn are smaller than others and when you complain about all the crud being at the bottom that you've done that because every time you've reached in and you've twisted your big old paw around in the box the little bits all drop down

to the bottom and that's where you get all the crud at the bottom I'm not fucking here to solve Odeon and all the other cinemas lives

I'm not here to do that I've already given you one amazing suggestion here's another one get a popcorn sieve now we're talking get a popcorn sieve now we're talking

and are you willing to take on the price increase that will result as a... How's that going to be a price increase? Because, Tom, because if you want them to sieve the popcorn, right, that means they're rejecting loads of the popcorn, the bottom third up to your top lip.

I've already got it covered, mate. I've already got it covered. How? You make popcorn bars from it. You take all the shittiest bits of popcorn and you make popcorn bars out of it? Not the kernels. You find something else to do.

You can probably actually solidify them and actually make things out of them because they're actually quite stubborn and quite strong. What would you make out of popcorn kernels? I don't know. Off the top of my head, BB gun pellets. Also, if you solidify them, there's got to be a role for them.

I'm not saying that we give up on them. I'm saying that there'll be a role in life for them. I can't think off the top of my head. There is a shortage of BBs. I would say that is something for us all to get our heads down. I'd like recommendations from our collective on here and see what they think. What I'm saying to you, Rob, is those crusty little bits,

you mix that with a fine toffee or caramel sauce or even a chocolate sauce, right? Dark chocolate sauce. And you run that through and solidify it into a bar. You're then making more money. And then you've got that juice that you want and the fucking sauce is spicy again, my friend. I don't think I agree with you.

What do you want to do? do you want to do one more email let's do one more sweet email boy okay I'm currently listening to this is anonymous I'm currently listening to a podcast while sitting on a beach in Devon the weather is great

the kids are happy the wife is reading sounds idyllic right yeah man wrong due to Covid etc we've been forced to holiday in the UK this summer

to keep things brief it's really quite dreadful. God, this is pretty full on this. I'm surrounded by pale, fat people who are having the time of their lives, probably because they've escaped the tedium of their existence for a brief few days. Oh, my God. The local English people are miserable shitbags, and as a tourist, you're made to feel like you're a massive inconvenience. I've never experienced this in any other part of the world.

Anyway, just wondered what your opinion of UK holidays and whether I'm being snobbish or whether others agree with me but are not willing to say how they really feel. Anon. Anon, I think you're being massively snobbish. I think the whole point of a fucking holiday is to escape the actual existence that any of us are living in. Look, if people are acting out of

order or they are drunk on a beach and they're infringing on your time and they're making your time significantly worse by something they're doing or by being loud or by by being uh inconsiderate of of other people then yeah fair enough i think i think you know that you can have the zig with that i think if they're just existing and enjoying themselves then uh i think it's pretty harsh from you to to say what you've just said i think that's a pretty hard hard thing to say you know the fact of the matter is i'm going on holiday next week and i can tell you now whoever sees me will say that oh yeah i am an overweight person with a very very white body so uh it doesn't mean that i'm going out there with any intention of ruining someone's holiday whoever sees me will say that, oh yeah, I am an overweight person with a very, very white body.

So, uh, it doesn't mean that I'm going out there with any intention of ruining someone's holiday. I'm going out there to have a good time myself. So I think, um, yeah, far be it from any of us to cast dispersions on and how someone else is

fucking holidaying. Uh, I think it's a sad thing that you, you're at the holiday that you have had this year is not being the one that maybe you're used to or the one that maybe you think that you deserve. I think it's fair to say that for a lot of people who holiday in England, just think yourself lucky that you have had other holidays.

You've had amazing holidays. So, yeah, my man, try and enjoy it. Enjoy the fact you're away with your family your wife's enjoying her reading, your kids enjoying their time and try and cut loose my G and enjoy it yourself yeah I would agree with Tom I think, can I tell you what I think

the problem is, I think the problem is you've got it into your head that English holidays are shit and you know you can't we've been doing a few UK holidays over the last couple of years. We've got a Cornwall, got a Dorset. I've got to be honest with you. We had an amazing time. And like, yes, it's less exotic. Yes, you're not you're not you're not having that heady thing where you're sort of getting to know a completely new culture and stuff like that.

But you can still have amazing holidays in the UK. I love it. I love it. And I do understand. Look, I don't think you're being snobbish. I just think you've slightly closed your mind off to the idea of having a great holiday in the UK. So look, I think, I don't know if you're still on the holiday by the time you listen to this, but I think just, you know,

I think it just needs a little bit of an attitudinal change, mate, and you'll have a great time. Good luck. I hope you have a good one. God bless you, Anand. God bless you, brother. Now, Tom, we're under a bit of time pressure here because you told me that you've got to be done by 9.30.

It's 9.27 now. So that puts a little bit of pressure on your closing thoughts. But, Tom, would you please, hoping that that pressure doesn't put too much pressure on you, close us out. Thank you. Majee, my brother, my homeboy. There are three different travellers, three sailors, all looking for the perfect place to settle down and set up the life that they deserve. But all of them wanted really different things.

set up the life that they deserve but all of them wanted really different things one when asked said oh man i really really want just beautiful beaches with like sweet sweet sort of like crystal blue sea that i can look down and the ocean's just lapping up off my feet i want serenity and i want quiet the second one turned around and said oh you know what i'd really really like is i would like a i'd like a place with like sort of people already living there i'd like natives there that i can sort of teach my ways and i could sort of like build like sort of you know a society with them and we can you know yeah so i want i want i want there to be a hustle and bustle to this place the third one says you know i want rocky terrain uh i you know i want hills and I want to go and lose myself and put in the woods.

I don't want to sort of see another person. I want animals everywhere that I could be friends with. They all rock up and find a place that is like cold and there is a wind that runs through it. And when they look around, there's no one there and the land is very very barren and like thorns are everywhere and they say look what should we do now should we just get back on our boat and and try and find the lands that we wanted and all of them sort of are in an

hour and a bit and one of them turns around and says, actually, you know what? This is the land that was meant for us. We can turn this into the utopia that we want. And maybe, just maybe, this is the land that we deserve. The other two look at him. And after a little bit of thinking, they both nod and agree. And the point of the story is,

is sometimes you're looking for something that is just a dream and a fantasy and actually the truth of the matter is we should all be trying to make the best and value the things that we have found and we have and that that's the travel in life of a journey if I'm honest with you it sort of went down uphill after like I was thinking as we were doing it I kind of

think I know what I'm doing with the journey men on the journey really I mean I think I I think I might

you sort of disguised it quite but I think I might. You sort of disguised it quite a bit. I think I might know what email that was in reference to. It's kind of in reference to everything we've been talking about today. Yeah, but you sort of made the analogy of the UK, having a holiday in the UK, being similar to resting yourself on a barren land that's full of thorns. Man, it is what it is what it is. Tom, it's been an absolute pleasure to chat to you my dream thank you for letting me ride alongside you as always uh thank you so much for listening guys uh remember

if you've got any thoughts you know questions whatever willfilepod at gmail.com uh thank you so much for listening we'll see you next time hopefully for the bonus episode but who knows what our schedules might dictate. Smiles and fire. Smiles and fire. Take care, guys. Peace out.