Wolf and Owl - Episode 34

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

We’re talking… Tom’s holiday preparations, travel test troubles, fortune-tellers, gods, ghost stories and dodgy hotels, Then some more of your email questions - this time on summer wedding clashes, eating food with your hands or cutlery, and sitting or squatting in public toilets. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega tank. Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon mega tank printer. So you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details. We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil.

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Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. Yeah. Yeah, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. Yeah. Welcome to the Wolf of Now podcast once again inside the radio Hello, hello How you doing? Yeah good, we've got two, let's just get this out of the way We've got two massive issues here on today's episode No, three massive issues

Three big issues, yeah go on mate That I want to hit you on Issue number one Yeah Your internet connection today is dog shit that I want to hit you up with. Issue number one. Yeah. Your internet connection today is dog shit. Has it been bad since we've been talking? Well, you're a bit jittery, I'd say.

Yeah, but I've had a can of espresso. I've had a massive lunch as well. No, no, no. I'm talking about the connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. I've got more people. I can tell the difference between Zoom chopping in and out and you having a coffee.

No, but I've got more people in my house as well than normal. Oh, right. Are they all like, and what are they doing? Maybe surfing, bro. Maybe surfing. Yeah, hitting that worldwide web. Issue number two. Yeah.

We recorded an episode yesterday. Yeah. And so, I mean, God knows what we're going to talk about today. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. And so, I mean, God knows what we're going to talk about today. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, also because yesterday was like a celebration of that amazing feat.

We've had a special all about that, but it was an incredible... That wasn't a special. What did you say? No, no, it was a special for like an incredible feat that was like, you know... That wasn't a special that we did yesterday. It was a regularly scheduled bonus episode and we talked about it. It's not the cycling special. That's what

people on Instagram and Twitter are calling it. The cycling special. It's like a feat of strength. Where's Catherine's feat of strength? She was on an electric bike. She was on an electric bike. Yeah.

The third issue is there's no bonus episode this week. Oh man. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah,

I'm on holiday. Well, hopefully I'll be on holiday as this goes out. You know, you're going away, right? You're going away

in a couple of weeks. It's very nerve wracking the anxiety of going through all the paperwork you've got to do and the tests you have to do before you

go then are you going to be allowed into the country going to is that country going to be on the list that it's already on the whole time you're

away yeah will it happen will it will it change while you're in the air yeah that's the big worry I mean flying on a Saturday hopefully I don't think yeah yeah land there then it's cavity searches all around while you're in the air? Yeah. That's the big worry, isn't it? I mean, flying on a Saturday,

hopefully, I don't think they'll go. Land there and then it's cavity searches all round. Oof, that'd be nice. I normally request that

on landing, actually. That's part of the transfer from the airport. You literally come on the airplane with your trousers and your knickers around your ankle.

Can I have the suspected terrorist experience, please? Hello again, Roger. Mate, I was at LAX once, like, coming back, and this guy came up to me and he said, one of the security guys said,

oh, we've got a special queue, like, it's a faster queue, to come follow me, sir. And I followed him, and he put me at the back of a queue that was just exclusively brown men with beards it like yeah it couldn't be more blatant it was fucking amazing man it was did you did you make that observation sir well out loud like started doing a bit about it what's the deal with these um

guys guys uh what's the deal with these... Guys, guys, what's the deal with these supposed fast track queues? Huh? I suppose they're going to ask us to take our shoes off. One guy

puts a bob in his shoe and then all of a sudden we've all got to go barefoot through security. Am I right? What's the deal with that? Just my fucking luck to be stood next

to fucking Jerry Seinfeld. No, I'm actually a comedian back in England. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Tapping him on the shoulder. Sorry, sorry.

Back in England, no, no, I'm a comedian actually back there. Do you know as well, we went to get Catherine's vaccine. Not vaccines, or a test. So we showed her a PCR test, right? Yeah. So we booked it at this place.

I think it's called Vivo or Vito Clinic, right? We turned up at this clinic. I'm not joking. It was a bit of A4. How did you find this clinic? We found it online with PCR tests. It was actually in one of the top search places. How did you find this clinic? We found it online with PCR tests. It was actually in one of the top search places.

And it was literally like someone's house or flat. And at the front, they just put a bit of A4 paper and written in luminous green and luminous pink marker, FETO clinic. Please don't make a joke. I swear I can send you the picture. I'll put a picture up but yeah it was honestly we got there and i was like this is awful katherine went to do the test and said can i do the test in my own car there's like 15 people there with no masks on even the woman

working they had no ppe i know the rules have changed blah blah blah but come on and she was like everyone's just standing around chatting. And she was like, this is meant to be a place that people potentially would go if they thought they had COVID. Yeah. Yeah. So we changed.

And then we had to go to a place called Corby and get the tests. Have you ever been to Corby? Corby? As in Corby near Leicester, Corby? Yeah. Yeah. You went to Corby?

Yeah. Have you ever been to Corby? Yeah. I did a gig there years ago. Why the fuck did you went to Corby? Yeah, have you ever been to Corby? Yeah, I did a gig there years ago. Why the fuck did you go to Corby? It was the closest place we could get, like, a 24-hour, or not even a 12-hour test. How far was that from you?

It was an hour, about an hour. Okay. What did you make of Corby? I did not have a good gig, is my recollection of Corby. I didn't see Corby, though. not have a good gig was my recollection of Corby. But I didn't see Corby though. I turned up at the venue. I delivered 20 minutes

of fairly substandard material and then I left. Yeah, it's a it's a straight it's a It feels like

it feels like you want to say what you think of Corby but you're slightly nervous because you know that you've got quite a dedicated fan base.

Let me just... Yeah, probably that's the trouble of it. No, no. I will say, just shout out to the people at the pharmacy where we got the test done. They were amazing.

There's a couple of people I spent a little bit of time chatting to. I've never felt like for many a year that I was about to get mugged in broad daylight on one of the sunniest days of the year as the feeling of pulling my car up in a car park, me and Catherine pulled up, and there's these three guys,

and they looked at me like, oh, we're going to mug you now. And one of them was genuinely just doing a drug deal as this happened. He was clearly doing a drug deal. And then they were ironing us up. And then when we came back, they were like literally, the next level of what they would be doing is like punching an open fist

and making slashes with their throat. It was an aggression. There was an air of aggression in the place. Which is sad because there's a lovely Italian place they've got on a corner there and there's probably a nice vibe

but these three sort of quite intense looking guys really sort of ruined the vibe for me so these three guys

so when you when you asked me about how I found Corby was that because you thought I might have come across these three guys that ruined the experience for you

no no but in general Corby's got it's got a bit more of a reputation. I didn't know much about Corby, but subsequently everyone I've said, I went to Corby to get the test done. Oh God, you went to Corby. Yeah. And actually I wanted to go, you know what? I found some very sweet souls in Corby. There was a nice sweetness to it.

But sadly, you know, like when, well, okay, you go for a meal, right? What's your favorite meal that you go for? Probably a curry.

Okay. So, right. So you have a fucking outstanding, some outstanding poppadoms, right? You then, you know,

for your start, I don't know what you're going to rock for your start. Maybe you have some samosas. Can I, can I just stop you a second? All right. Because is all of this what we have for each course

essential to this fucking analogy? No, alright, yeah. Well, okay. We don't have to go through what the fucking courses are, okay? Well, okay. I don't want to sit here 15 minutes down. So, obviously, you know, you decided between a pistachio and a mango coffee.

Sort of whatever your fantasy for whatever fucking example you're trying to give right yeah so that's where I was going to get to

right so yeah you have all your courses that you like you're enjoying it it's beautiful yeah right

you then come to your dessert right and there is do you know those amazing things that they do like they do those chocolate ball things

and they're in a coconut ice cream have you had those yeah I love them anyway you have them because you like them in this instant okay right

and there's a pubic hair in there right you don't remember the courses you've had before the joy the ice cold cobra beers all you remember is that pubic hair sure

that's what I'm saying about the guys in Corby that's what I'm yeah you're saying those three guys are pubic hair in your chocolate coconut thing. Also, they've not just ruined the dessert, they've ruined the rest of the meal.

There's another way you could have told that story. If you're at a restaurant and you find a pubic hair in your dessert, the rest of the meal's ruined. This is a difference between me and you, right? I respect the fact that we've only got a limited time on this planet.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a fucking painter. I'm an artist. Right? If I see some A4 and some crayons, I'm going to fucking draw a picture. If you see them,

you're going to probably try and make an airplane out of it or something because you don't see beauty sometimes. I wanted people to really get involved in the majestic story I was taking them on. Like, you just go,

oh, yeah, floating poopy tails and butt heads. Don't do that with your lower jaw. It's horrible. Like a fucking cow chewing. You have to sometimes a difference, I think. Yeah, okay. You're an artist and I'm not. Is that what you're saying?

No, no, no. You're not not an artist. You've got an artist's instinct because of pubic care. I know you got it straight away as I was taking you down that. You knew where I was going with it. Yeah.

But what I'm saying is, yeah. So that's almost willful, isn't it then? So you know where I'm going with it, but you still decide to tell me. Oh, here's another one for you if you weren't getting that one. Oh, great. Do you know what I thought?

This has been so long, I'd love a second one to hammer home the point I've already got. Yeah, go on. Look, when we remember the Euros now, we'll remember losing their last game and all the shit that followed it. We won't remember the joy

that was coming up from it. And that's what those three guys are. Well, there you and all the shit that followed it. We won't remember the joy that was coming up from it. And that's what those three guys are. And actually... Well, there you go. You did that quite quickly. Yeah, yeah. So, you know,

think back to the first game. You know, scrappy. Scrappy. The second game, you know, we went to the second game. I don't know if you remember as we were walking up

Wembley Way, there was a bloke there that we were unsure... All of that shit. You avoided doing all that so well done. Actually, what you've done there

is exactly what Corby was like. At first, yeah, it was a bit scrappy. Then it was, I was like, oh, this isn't really for me.

And then actually, I was like, actually, no, you know what, there's some pretty decent people living here and they're not,

oh shit, yeah. Why are you so scared of saying what you really think about Corby? No, I'm saying what I think about three residents of Corby.

I didn't get their names. It's actually, look, for me, look, if you open a makeup box, there's going to be all sorts of things. It's just that some things will make you look more pretty than others. Holy shit. I don't you know sometimes I think I wonder how quickly

before he says something he thinks about it I think you might have only started thinking about that after you'd finished fucking saying it

you know it's usually what usually what happens my brain once I mean I'm just what I'm saying is

beware of towns you haven't been to for some of the people who live in them that would be my of towns you haven't been to for some of the people who live in them that would be my advice yeah have you ever been to a place like that

there are a lot of towns that I've been to on tour that I've been slightly nervous the whole time I've been there yeah there's no doubt about that which would be the one that sticks out to you

more than most well do you know what it's a very nice town this town. But I'm just going to... I might get some shit for this. I don't ever want to do a gig in Tunbridge Rails ever again in my life. Wow.

Wow. Tunbridge Rails is like... Isn't it like a... It's a very arty sort of place, no? It is very arty. Yeah, it's nice. It's a nice place. I've also heard there's like a little vegan spot there.

They've got a burger named after me. That's not the reason I'm bringing up this story. But every single time I've gigged in Tunbridge Wells, I have had a terrible gig. Dreadful. Every single time. And sometimes you can blame me. I'll give you an example of my time gigging in Tunbridge Wells.

Early on, this is when I first realised what Tunbridge Wells might be can blame me. I'll give you an example of my time gigging in Tunbridge Wells. Early on, this is when I first realised what Tunbridge Wells might be like for me. I did a gig, a Christmas gig. Right. I was on in the middle. Just quickly for our listeners, Christmas gigs are very tough gigs. Yes, they are very tough gigs.

I was on in the middle. So again, for our listeners, the middle spot on a, you know, when you go to do a comedy club, there's a compare three acts. Normally the most inexperienced does the middle. And then after, you know, when you move beyond doing middles,

you start opening and then eventually you move to headline. And that's how, that's kind of how the hierarchy, the hierarchy of the comedy circuit works. So I was middling then. So I was new. So Christmas gig new, you've got to give that, you've got to give Tom Bridgewells a little bit of lee of leeway there anyway i come out to do my middle spot and i perform to complete and utter silence right complete and utter silence just sat there with like their paper

crowns on because i've had dinner right and just watch me in the same way that you might watch a passing water buffalo. Or like a sad whale at a water park. Yeah. So, anyway. yeah so anyway okay so i don't even i don't even know where to begin with what you just said so anyway um jeff innocent you know jeff innocent yeaharing? No, he was closing. He comes in during my set. And Jeff Innocent's a great comic. And this story about to tell makes it look bad on him. But it's not bad. It was a funny thing to say at the moment.

He comes in, walks backstage, sort of sees me as I'm on stage. And then I finish my gig. And I walk into the green room afterwards. And it's an interval before he comes up and he goes he goes to me can you hear that Romesh?

I go what's that? and he goes they're making more noise during the interval than they were during your fucking set oh Jesus and he was absolutely right

so anyway that was the first time I played Tunbridge Wells I've never had a gig better than that in the ten times I've been back there how come you keep it there

the people because like you know when you're starting out you can't say no to gigs you've got to make some money and then I got I had a couple of tour

previews there and I like my Lisa's sister and her husband came to watch me in Tunbridge Wells once because that was like the nearest gig I was doing her husband came to watch me in Tunbridge Wells once because that was like the nearest gig I was doing

and they came to watch me and they were messaging me I didn't they didn't see me before the gig just texted me going really buzzing to see you really buzzing to see you

can't wait haven't seen you in ages and then I did the gig and then after it was like really loads of messages oh my god we just walked in

really excited blah blah I did the gig and then afterwards i just got a text message going that was a tough crowd oh stink city yeah the weirdest thing of all that i didn't even know lisa and her sister yeah that is the weirdest thing of all that thank you for that being the takeaway from that story oh so at least you'll probably have a brother and quite a few cousins. Why? Why quite a few cousins? No, like... What does that mean?

No. I just thought like... I haven't managed to make that sound insulting. No. No, but I have quite a few cousins and a sister. But I thought it would be

that Lisa would probably... I sometimes feel like you feel like you're more of a kindred spirit of Lisa than of me. No, I don't. I just sometimes think like... You know when you think... When I look at someone, I go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I just sometimes think like, you know, when I look at someone

I go, oh yeah, I like to think about what their family tree's like or what their family, their kins are like. Yeah, yeah. So what vibe

do I give across in terms of... Well, definitely, I always knew you probably had a brother. Why? Just your vibe, just the way

that you sort of lay down, that you sort of had a brother that you sort of squabbled with but you were always there for, you know, that you sort of lay down, that you sort of had a brother that you sort of squabbled with, but you were always there for, you know, that you sort of never ever sort of, you never ever sort of like thought, oh, he wouldn't be there in my deepest times. So yeah, I always knew that you had kin around you

that were there as support. Do you know what, can I tell you what you sound like now? You sound like a really shit fortune teller. You're being so fucking vague. You know what I feel like I'm getting from you? I'm getting from somebody who's like kind and tries to do the best by other people. It's not always giving the credit they deserve for the

nice things they do for people is nice at heart you know never wants to do any wrong for anyone all that shit all that shit that people go yeah i feel like i feel like she she really got me actually you know like it really was that is how I am one mum my nan went almost stepped down years and years ago

they went to see Derek Okora God rest his soul and basically it was Fairfield Halls in Croydon

and so he was doing a rich bill and all that and he was like oh do we do we have an LC here do we have an lc here do we have an lc which feels like a pretty fucking easy question to sort of ask anyone in there

called lc and he's like you know have you lost anyone recently and my nan step-dad was like yeah he said there's a few people you've lost in your life um lc you know you're you're gonna be visited by a number of spirits this evening. Yeah, so open your heart, open your mind, and you're going to be visited from some faces from the past. And Elsie said, how many fucking spirits? I've only got a small flat. It's up on stage.

My mum said the look of worry oh fucking hell like I've only got a one bedroom flat yeah a little council house council flat

how many people like like spirits are going to be packed in she'd be walking around with a tray of drinks with bourbon biscuits yeah no no no no no

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Godzilla Kong. The new empire now playing only in theaters. Do you, do you believe in guys? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Do you believe in God? I think there do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you believe in God?

I think there's a higher... You know what? Actually, one thing I really respect is people who do have... Going super deep on this. Sorry. Yeah, no. You know,

so there's an actor called K.O.D., right? He's an incredible guy. He's a brilliant actor. Incredible writer. There's a meme of him that's probably the most known thing. But anyway, I've done a couple of jobs with K.O.D. He's a meme of him that's like probably the most known thing. But anyway,

I've done a couple of jobs with Coyote. He's a really deep kid. And we spent like six weeks in Bulgaria together. And when we were out there, he's deeply religious. And what I found really, because I probably wrote off religion

when I was two, and it's easy to do that. It's easy to sort of like be, you know, oh yeah, yeah, I don't believe... But actually, what I found more encouraging and what I really loved about is that he believed there was something bigger than, like, anything else that he could just give his face to

and give his time to. Yeah, like, an unshakable faith is quite enviable, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just think, I mean, for you, you have Arsenal and you have West Ham, probably, it's ridiculous for people who don't support football teams

that mean you have put so much fucking happiness or fucking despair into something we have no control over. Yeah. So, so for us to then go,

oh yeah, yeah, because he found nothing but like good and like, yeah, man, like,

yeah, Bulgaria, the sort of, the racism out there is fucking abhorrent. I don't, you know, I wouldn't suggest any more, you guys, it, like, you're out in Bulgaria. The sort of, the racism out there is fucking abhorrent. I don't, you know, I wouldn't suggest any more. You go, it's horrible. It was fucking, like, genuinely, like,

some of the worst sort of things as a human being I've ever seen. But you've got to film it under budget, so. Yeah. But he, for all that, he just had this sort of faith in sort of, and I found that actually pretty pretty incredible so I I like to go to mass

I come from a Catholic background but I don't you know I'd be lying if I said that I'm like deeply religious but I do like to think

of just a I just like to think you know what harm does it do to think that when this is all over and our time on this mortal call is done

that there is something better to go to have you heard of Pascal's Wager no what's heard of Pascal's Wager? No, what's that? So Pascal's Wager is the idea that the rewards for being correct about there being a God

are so much bigger than the rewards for believing there isn't a God. You know, so like, it's so much higher that actually the logical thing to do is to be religious you know like because because the payoffs are so huge if you if you don't believe in a god and then you die you just disappear you know what there's no you don't even get to go i told you so

but if you if you go the other way it's just you know i mean it's like uh the gamble's better that way it's kind of i think Also, but the joy of it, when you like, you know, see the religious people and, you know, you, you watch stuff where like,

you know, people have had abhorrent, horrible things happen to their family, but somehow find forgiveness within their hearts because of religion or whatever. I fucking massively respect that. And I think, yeah, I like to do this.

And ghost wise. Yeah. Mate, do you know what? I don't know if we like to think there's... And ghost-wise, yeah. Mate, do you know what? I don't know if we've ever really talked about it on this fucking podcast, but me and you have been

in the company of ghosts. Where we stay, when we were in Gary. Oh, God, fucking hell. There were no ghosts there. Okay?

What? Are you dizzy? Are you dizzy? Mate, I know for a fact there was ghosts in that place. Do you know the most remarkable thing about that hotel stay was? What? Are you dizzy? Mate, I know for a fact there was ghosts in that place. Do you know the most remarkable thing about that hotel stay was? What?

That you and I had a similar sized room. That was the most supernatural thing about it. Right, listen, listen, listen, listen. Let me get deep. Right. Okay, so listeners out there, if we've got any ghost expert or ghost users we like to call them, shout out, yeah?

Get in touch. Right. I go to this, we're in this hotel. It's an awful shithole anyway, right? It yeah? Get in touch. Right. I go to this hotel. It's an awful shithole anyway, right? It's not a nice hotel. Who's in charge of, which production company was it? My production company. So we go to stay in this place. So I'm there

the night before Romesh. Romesh comes in the second night I'm there. I get there and I walk into this room, right? There's a vibe there I'm not too sure about. Anyway, it was quite cold. We were shooting a Christmas special of Gary, weren't we? So I put on the radiators

in the room and I basically get into bed. It was a bit chilly, but the radiators were warming up. I wake up at like two o'clock in the morning, right? And it is icy cold. Like icy cold, like you wouldn't believe, right?

And so I get out of bed and I go and check the radiator. So radiators were on to full max, but they were cold. Freezing cold. Like something of bigger power had just like fucking taken them down and looked like a fucking notch or two.

I get back into bed and think that's strange, but it could just be like something to do with the fucking heating in this place so i put on a tracksuit i did that's tracksuit fucking very nice um like fucking design i know you're doing this deliberately to wind me up right so put on some socks, and I put on a beanie. I do this. I get into bed, I cover myself, and then there's like this faint like knocking out of the window outside. I'm like, that's probably a branch or a tree. Right? And outside.

So I go outside, and I go to the like, basically it's this tiny, you had one, like a little scurry hole in the room yeah horrible so you go down the curtains are drawn I open the curtains

to see to think oh there's going to be a branch up against the window there was no branch there was nothing near it nothing at all right the windows like

like closed and there's nothing there so then I then get into bed I start close my eyes start drifting off to sleep and then get into bed i start to close my eyes start drifting off to sleep and then it felt like something was sitting on my chest like something was sitting there and now i'm in freak city i'm absolutely fucking i'd sit up and i just basically

put my ipad turn all the lights on in the fucking room right right and i'm like i'm not fucking about this and i started begging to say please just leave me alone I mean you know harm and all this stuff right I'm in the room saying that right Tom Tom Tom I just I just need to stop you is is everything you're saying true yes everything saying I'm saying I told you this the next day I remember no no but I thought this is I thought that was comedic embellishment you actually sat up and you went please please please I mean you're no harm I was terrified

I was terrified and I thought look if the ghost has died so it knows what fear is hopefully it's got some of its fucking empathy knocking about anyway I fall asleep I wake up all the lights are now off in asleep. I wake up. All the lights are now off

in the room. I wake up. Right? And a towel from my bathroom is now folded across a lamp. Like, just put across the lamp. I didn't do anything with the towel. I didn't put it there. It was just there. I'm like,

fucking hell, this is not for real, right? so I fucking get changed I you know out of the tracksuit yeah yeah out of the ABS tracksuit

um uh and uh I fold it up leave the other I think I think go down to reception

and say has anyone ever you take off you take off your tracksuit to go down to reception

no I took off my tracksuit I had a to reception? No, I took off my tracksuit. I had a shower. Oh, okay. I walked down in my pants. I want to complain about some hauntings. We've had a couple of complaints about you walking around the fucking corridors. There's a big white gull haunting the corridors. Get home a symptom walking around a fucking place.

So I say to the guy down there, I say, look, has anyone ever talked about this place being haunted before? And this guy looks me steely in the eye and he says, well, of course. It used to be a church. And I'm like, my blood sugar just shot out my ass, right?

Your blood sugar shot out your ass? You know that faint feeling you have? Right. So just say I felt faint. It's so confusing. Has he had a diabetic turn? What's going on? Right.

So I stare at him as intently as I've ever stared at any other man in my life. And I said, listen to me. Are you sure? And he went, yeah, it used to be a church. Are you sure? No, actually. No, it wasn't. No, you're right.

No, thank you for that extra level of questioning. You know what? Up until I interrogated it there, you pushed me on it. I had always thought this used to be a church. But now you've asked me to double check. No, you're absolutely right. It didn't used to be a church. No, but then he went... Even though

the window on your room is still from the original church and you've seen it for yourself and the fact that this is new information to you is fucking incredible right but then he then he stares at me right

right and he stares back at you yeah he stares back at me we're staring he said this must be like watching one of those clips of friends where they've taken all the laughter out

just loads of weird pauses every time one of you speaks and then he says do you want to know the kicker and I said yeah what is it and he said it was also

Bernardo's children home how is that the kicker because that's you know what a kicker is it's like do you want to know the fucking no I know what a kicker is

I know what a kicker is what I'm asking is why is the fact it was Bernardo's children home a kicker because that's like the fucking big goal right

that's the extra layer on top so it's a church and it's a kicker. Because that's the fucking big goal, right? That's the extra layer on top. So it's a church and it was a children's home. So is it haunted? Yes, mate. It's got two reasons to be haunted. Because it was a church

and a children's home. I just turned around to him and I just said, mate, I'm fucking terrified. It's weird that, you know, because it looks like a church. He told you it used to be a church. He said, are you sure? And he said, you know the kicker? And you went, what is it he told you it used to be a church he said are you sure

and they said you know the kicker and you went what is it he said it used to be a Bernardo's children you didn't need any verification of that

that he just swallowed straight away by then I could see he was morbidly fucking intensely fucking serious

he was at that point I could see him in himself I said do you stay here he went never I'd never stay here like ever

who the fuck was this guy he was a receptionist he was a receptionist a receptionist says to a customer I would never stay here yeah no because of the ghost I mean look

I mean fucking hell the moment I arrived there was a prostitute there was a person checking in before me so I think he knew I think he knew that it wasn't the Ritz or whatever. But I think because of the fear of like,

and then he started showing me pictures of like, back in the older days, like when it was like a church and stuff. It had like a little picture book of like its history. Okay. Is this all made up? Yeah, this is true. I sat there. No, he stood, he was standing. Oh,

he stood, okay, fine. All right, I'll buy it then. No, no, yeah,

it's like a book of the history of the place. He's like, oh, this is how it used to be. I think it was like the Prince Regent or something, wasn't it? I don't know. Right,

so you come in second, right? Are you telling me you thought it was a lovely hotel? No, there's no denying that hotel was absolute shit. And if it wasn't being provided to me by a production company that was run by a friend of mine, I would have been straight on the fucking phone to my agent.

But as it is, first of all, just to give a bit of context on this, I'd spent the whole day with my ability to do the job severely impaired by listening to you fucking whinging on about the room the entirety of the day. All the way up to James saying action. You're like, honestly, fucking hell. I can barely focus

on you when you're doing these live videos. Yeah, but you thought I was exaggerating, no? No, I wasn't. Yeah, okay, I did think you were exaggerating because such is your way. And then when we arrived there, I remember seeing... You can forgive me, by the way, for thinking you were exaggerating because you spent the entire day describing the hotel

as one of the worst experiences of your life. Yet I didn't see anybody anywhere talking about booking alternative accommodation. That's kind of why I suspected you might be exaggerating. Right. Also, the director, James, was staying there as well. Yeah. And also said to me, Tom is laying it on a bit thick.

Right. When you arrived, though, I remember the fear that went across your face. Like, you weren't truly at the Willys yourself. No, I wasn't scared of it being haunted. I just wasn't looking forward to spending the night there. Yeah. We turned up there, there was a bloke that looked like he was about to rip your coat off, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Nice Stone Island jacket he was fucking in his eye on. Yeah. And then we walk up through sort of what is a relatively modern section of the hotel. And then open this door, and it's like you guys have gone, oh, have you got some sort of rooms that are relatively modern and nice and clean and stuff

yeah we'd like to stay well as far away from those as possible what we'd like is we'd like to somehow combine the longest walking journey through the hotel

and also the most dog shit rooms you've got because we've got an early start tomorrow and we really want to feel absolutely dreadful when we crack on with filming.

No, but the worst thing of all was because it's been used as a halfway house, isn't it, as well? Was it? Yeah, yeah, for people who just go out of prisons. Oh, okay.

Yeah. There was a party going on, wasn't there? Yeah, yeah, a big party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it was pretty full on.

Actually, to be fair, the party was going on. The ghost didn't come back the second night no because there were no ghosts the first night no there were honestly

look I'd love it if there's some sort of ghost type spiritualist person who can come on or send us some emails about ghost stuff you know

tell us your ghost stories you know why how is that how will that help with your story about you putting a towel on a lamp

and then later forgetting that you'd done that it was mate I've never in 42 years ever put a towel

on a lamp okay fine how many times has a ghost done it mate different ghosts do different stuff that's what you don't

understand about ghosts okay how about you tell me what you do understand about ghosts so different ghosts do different stuff ghost me for it ghosts are stuff stuck in immortality right they're stuck in a light world where they will do the same things over and over again because they want to be seen or they want to be heard right so what they will do is ghosts

will go oh look what's the thing that i can do? This person will know they've not done, so I will show my existence. And that's what ghosts do. Why doesn't it put a shoe on the top of the light? I mean, why put a towel on a lamp? If I was a ghost, and I saw somebody sort of praying in an Adidas tracksuit on a bed, and I wanted to confirm to them

that it was a ghost in the room, I'd probably stick their hat up their arse or something like that. Or, you know, move... You'd make it more blatant. Yeah, but you'd probably be... Yeah, right. You'd probably be more of an aggressive ghost

is what you'd be. Here we go. No, you would. You'd be like, oh, right. I mean, I've heard of ways to criticise people before. But to sort of suggest that they would be an aggy ghost. No, but you... I think

this ghost was probably actually you know it didn't mean much harm you'd probably be quite aggressive like look at me I'm here

I'm here do you know what I mean like this ghost I think was a bit more playful than that and I you know credit to him

like fucking credit to him okay go on credit to him for what credit to him no for scaring me. But I don't think that's what their intention was.

What do you think their intention was? I think probably to have a bit of fun, really. I think they're probably bored. I think being a ghost... There's one thing I know about being a ghost. It's fucking boring, man. Yeah, I mean, I assume it must be if what you find entertaining is putting a towel on a lamp.

You've got to think, right? If you're a ghost, there's probably, I think there's 0.3% chance you'll ever see another ghost. You don't all meet up. How do you know this? Where are you getting your information?

Because there's not multiple ghosts. You've never heard of like a place that's haunted by like the fucking like the wild woman of the West. Oh, and Pete, the fucking strangler. Do you know what I mean?

There's no like, it's always one ghost. It's not like, oh, we've got three or four ghosts in here. It's not like fucking Casper, mate, in the real world.

No, it's not like Casper. There's not even a single ghost. What I'm saying to you is ghosts don't exist. I'd like to go to a

haunted house and then you can stay there for the night and see. I'll fucking watch, mate. From where? I don't know, like a CCTV or something.

Oh, brilliant. Okay, I knew you wouldn't come in the house. I'll come in there. If anyone knows of a haunted house, well, they'd definitely go. Please send...

Yeah, okay. This is genuine now, right? Send us details of a haunted house. Tom and I will go and stay there the night. Yeah. Hit us up.

But also, by the way, some people have more fucking... Their bodies and their fucking minds and their fucking auras are more open to ghosts than others. So you need to fucking... Okay, so if... Oh, I see.

So you managed to engineer a way so if we don't see any ghosts, it's actually my fault. No, you need to go... Imagine this. We're going to spend the night at this house for no reason, sleep on the floor right

then we wake up the next day oh fucking well done well done mate I hope you're happy with yourself because you were closed off we didn't see any go well done look mate

you need to go there with an open mind okay that's all I'm saying okay fine alright it's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial.

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Would you like to do some emails? Yo, hit me up. I love an email. Okay, bear with me one second. Thanks once again to The Swan for selecting these emails. Okay. Hello, Tom and Romesh. First of all, living in woodford cannot

wait for king gary my mother-in-law hates the fact i call her precious mother's meeting venue club the dave and not the lloyd brilliant you're both legends so a little conundrum i believe as an outsider is pure entertainment but your thoughts would be appreciated lockdown has meant as you know a lot of rescheduling of big events including weddings to cut a long story short a friend moved their wedding to a month after another's planned this summer. They're good mates, but after discussing if it was okay, one's in late July, the other late August, the prior event decided they now felt like a warm-up act.

And due to this, asked for the wedding in August to be moved back by three months to the winter. This is all after prior agreement that the wedding in August was acceptable in August 2021. Personally, I wouldn't ask anybody's agreement to hold my wedding date at a certain time. The two brides are now not speaking. Holy shit.

I'm in team reschedule. COVID has an impact on their wedding. They found a suitable date. Why should they care whose wedding is before or after theirs? I'd understand a day after may cause a little upset, but a month? It's all a bit scrambled beg-on-toast. Anyway, seeing on the side...

I actually quite like that saying by the way anyway seeing on the sidelines is a brilliant drama be good to hear your thoughts Tom if you

play golf at Chigwell West Essex average hit me up would love a round with you okay so this guy would like to remain anonymous so what do you think

well personally I think that weddings are a tough, tough thing, right? It's a tough, because everyone wants to be centre, centre attention. You know, everyone wants their wedding to be this grand, sort of the event of the summer. I think it's very difficult when you've got two going head to head. And no matter what happens with weddings, right, if it's in the same year or within, I think, probably an 18-month window,

you are going to have comparisons made so i think you can have the best wedding planned in august you turn up to july one uh maybe they've got a prosecco bar maybe they've got like a uh like a gin caravan or whatever right and all of a sudden you're like oh shit we need to fucking up the game here we need to that is just human nature whatever you do is going to be you're like, oh shit, we need to fucking up the game here. We need to, that is just human nature. Whatever you do is going to be, you're going to want to better the one that they've just seen. So you have that. So yeah, I kind of get it.

I think that, I think they've had to obviously move it. I think that's a bit of a kick in the teeth. And I sort of feel for the people. But then I also feel for the people who've had to move theirs from the prior year because they couldn't do anything about COVID. So I think what we have here is a what it should have done it's just had a big old joint wedding absolutely not what absolutely not it's an insane idea do you know what they should what would have been cool remember when you used to go to like nightclubs back in the day little kid vaults

whatever used to have different rooms with different, you know, you'd have a fucking pop room. Yeah, different music rooms. Did you go on a night when they had a pop room, did you? Is that when you went to?

They used to do that 70s or 80s, fucking 70s, 80s pop room, right? Yeah. I used to go Clapham Grand quite a bit.

Did you? Hmm. I don't know, man, it surprised me. Dr. Glitz, is it Dr. Glitz? I can't remember now.

I used to go there a couple of times it was always quite rough Sinatras Caesars all that vibe anyway what I'm saying to you

is you could have they could have you could have done like one in the morning like but the best place because you're putting together two wedding funds

right yeah one in the morning that's got a bit of edge it's got a bit of bite it's got that morning feeling to it and then like quite a chilled vibe for the afternoon so everyone's like

oh my god like this is amazing oh my what there's another wedding and then you get like yeah did I ever tell this story the time I went to

I did tell it when I went to the wrong wedding that time yeah you did so yeah you did so it's one of the best days of my life going to two weddings

yeah okay but I don't think yeah fine but that doesn't mean these people should merge their weddings yeah but I think...

If I knew them, I'd tell you to have a think about this. Okay. They shouldn't merge their weddings, okay? And actually, this is a lot easier than you made it. These other people, they've got no fucking right to tell somebody to move their wedding, okay? You've agreed for it to be a month apart.

Grow up! All right? I mean, it's a month apart. Grow up. All right? I mean, it's a month apart, mate. Come on. Do you know what I mean?

Like, and they're supposed to move their wedding three months because you don't want to feel like an opening act. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's mental. imagine being the fucking

middle act. Imagine someone else moved theirs into the middle of it all. Sure. Yeah, that would be, yeah, that would be bad. You're right. Have you ever been to theirs into the middle of it all. Sure. Yeah, that would be bad. You're right.

Have you ever been to a joint wedding? Imagine if there's another one. Yeah. There's like two middle... Yeah. Have you ever been to a joint wedding? No. Exactly.

Hold on, what's the point you're trying to make? I'm just saying, I reckon hardly anyone in the world has ever been to a joint wedding. Yeah, do you know why? Why? Because it's a shit idea.

It's like going, have you ever had a footlong baguette filled you know why? Because it's a shit idea. It's like going, have you ever had a footlong baguette filled with dog shit? No. There you go then. Right. Some of my favourite birthday...

Nobody's ever tried it. Some of my favourite birthday parties as a kid were joint birthday parties. They were great, man. You're having a joint birthday party, you're doing

far side football, you're doing a big ball pool. Fucking brilliant, man. You know, they were good times, right? Yeah. So, yeah. It's all about being open-minded and being there for other people.

Yeah. One of my favourite things that I used to do alongside, one of my favourite things at birthday parties was like Bouncy Castle. Yeah.

That was always like my favourite thing to do. But I always was slightly nervous about being on there when there were too many kids on there. So I never used to go early doors. And then I'd wait until everyone else

was sort of bored of the bouncy castle. And then I would just sort of... What, on your own? Just clamber on there like a fucking Billy No-Mates and just bounce up and down on my own. Is that sad? No, I think it's quite good. Let me tell you something. My parents did nothing about that,

right? If I saw one of my kids doing that, if that was a thing that I'd observed at more than one birthday party, I would be having a chat to them about it. Would you? Yeah. Yeah, but look, you turned out alright. Did I? Did I? Did I?

This podcast that we decided was going to be unplanned, we received more emails about how openly we talk about mental health issues than anything else. Yeah, I know, but... Yeah, so what I'm saying to you is, I think there have been some after effects. Yeah, but, look, I think the vision of a little sad little romesh on his own having the time of his life yeah i bet there's some of your happiest memories as a kid just like

literally flying up into the air smiling laughing in your feet you know there's all your pressures and all the fucking worries in the world just sort of like yeah you describe it like that great but if if i if i met you in like we're just having a chat getting to know each other chat or imagine i was on a date and somebody said what are your sort of what would you say your favorite memories of your childhood and i said oh like a birthday party i would wait till there's nobody else in the bouncy castle and then i'd go on there and and i'd bounce up and down on my own just enjoying it alone that's probably my favourite memory. And then they would say,

thanks a lot for coming to meet me. I'm going to head off. Because I think that if I spend the rest of the evening with you, I'm going to wind up dead in your boot. I think kids' birthday parties, a lot of learning, a lot of sort of like, a lot of deepness is done there.

Yeah, sure. I remember sort of like, a lot of deepness is done there. Yeah, sure. I remember sort of like being terrified of them sometimes, but then just like, I remember ball pools, I was scared of those. Did you ever go to Water Palace in Perling? Yeah, I did.

I used to wait for the waves. Oh, no. Did you not do that? Yeah, I did. It's pathetic, though, isn't it? Yeah, I used to be so into the wave machine. You just used to like, sort of just like, wait until that buzz Yeah, I used to be so into the wave machine. I just used to wait until that

buzzer went off and then just swim to the deep end as quick as you can. Walking around the pool in a Veruca sock. Fucking faded old pair of fucking

shitty old trunks. Yeah, those were the days. Right, so we did another email. This is from Chris. Hi, guys. A lot of people start their emails with saying hello to Swan, Owl and Wolf, but have you noticed that the first letters

also make an animal? Sow? What's a sow? It's a female pig yeah how worried are you about how long it took you

to get sow I was genuinely actually thinking at the time about what I'm having for tea as well it honestly looked like

you had a look on your face like you're trying to translate something from Japanese like a Labr're trying to translate something from Japanese. Like a Labrador trying to work out a car trick. That's not the point of this email. I've recently found out something about my better half,

which frankly shocked and disturbed me. We've been together for five happy years after meeting on Tinder. Not that matters, but kind of wanted listeners out there who are on the apps to know that you can find love. And have bought a house together. We've been honest with each other throughout, but it turned out she had a secret she'd somehow kept from me until now and i need your help okay i thought this is either going to be something anyway i'll just let you deal with it uh and i need your advice on how to deal with it she cuts her burger in half before eating it this blew my mind i couldn't believe what i was seeing it's handheld food it made it

even worse the other day i went for a pub lunch with my dad and i noticed he did the same and then he ate it with a knife and fork has the world gone mad what's next chris with a spoon so do you think that there are there are foods that should be eaten by hand and only by hand and if so which ones for me pizza burgers and chips should never see cutlery we both listen to the pod separately someone should realize realise if it's about her, if it's read out. Also, at the end of the pod, I always think Rom is about to burst into a bit of Ice Ice Baby

when he says, if you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it, check out the hook one, but DJ revolves it. Ice Ice Baby. Wow. Thank you.

That's sexy the way you did that. Thanks, thanks, thanks. What do you think about this, Tom? The shoulders move nice, boy. I'm with our anonymous friend here, slightly, I will say, brother, I'm with our anonymous friend here slightly. I will say, brother, I used to be very much like you. If I could, I would eat all of my food with just my hands.

I love the feeling of just being able to put something in your mouth. I'd love to see you eating a full roast dinner with your hands. It won't for it to cool down. But no, I always have a little bit of chicken and I'll yeah I'll roast potato it's just the veg really that you can't you know like the Yorkshire pudding mop it round with gravy

with my hand you know I think cutlery's there as a fallback in case what in case your hands are injured no the food's too hot

oh right yeah or you're in society you're out in society and like at lunch where sort of there's people who you know,

sort of that little bit more sort of classy or whatever and that kind of thing. I mean, I've realised... So if you were in a restaurant and you were on your own and there's nobody else

in the restaurant you'd eat with your hands? That's what I'm having. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if I'm having pasta, I wouldn't.

No. Okay. And also, what I always insist upon, and I've had to do less and less of it, because I realise it's frowned upon in modern society, I always insist upon a piece of bread, like, to finish every meal.

To finish every meal? So, yeah, to mop around the plate. Oh, yeah, that's quite sweet, actually. Yeah, I mean, actually, that's why, that's another reason I love curry. Because, you know, you have a non. It's fucking the best thing. You go for some meals and you ask for bread.

It's like, oh, God, what? Oh, no, we haven't got any bread. Anyway, I digress. But, my friend, I recently have started cutting my burger in half. Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. And I've done it with hot dogs, pizza. I mean, you use pizza. Obviously, I've done it with hot dogs

pizza I mean you use pizza obviously I still eat it with my hands I think you're insane if you use a knife and fork to cut up

bits of a burger well some pizzas require cutlery don't they that's what I mean pizza you're not going to

pick up a whole pizza and stuff it into your mouth you're going to need a pizza wheel or you're going to need a knife and fork right sometimes I don't want to show off a whole pizza and stuff it into your mouth. You're going to need a pizza wheel or you're going to need a knife and fork, right? Yeah, okay.

Sometimes, I don't want to show off, but I'm a king of burgers. I can eat the biggest burgers you've ever seen, right? Sometimes that does involve a little bit of help

from our old friends and a knife and fork. Yeah? Having that little cut. Yeah, it does help. How do you feel about it sounding like you're saying knife and fork for the. Having that little cut. Yeah, it does help. How do you feel about it sounding like you're saying knife and fork

for the first time ever, though? In my head, I didn't want to get them confused with a spoon. I mean, desserts, you need a spoon for most of them. But anyway, I digress.

Yeah, burger-wise, there's no shame in seeing a burger or a hot dog or other finger foods and thinking you know what i need help here and asking for help it's like with a problem like you've just done you've reached out for help for me and romish you know me and romish in a way you know i'm the knife and rubbish is the fork we're just helping you with your weight man sure um i actually grew

up almost exclusively eating with my hands because Sri Lankan culture, everybody eats with their hands. Rice and curry, you eat with your hands. When I was a kid, I can't show you because it's a podcast, but the technique of getting a little bit of food and use your thumb to push it into your mush. I loved it. I used to love it. But the only downside is, is you'd finish it in your meal and then you'd have like a hand that was sort of covered in curry.

And so you'd sort of sit watching TV with your hand kind of propped up like a spider because you didn't want to, on the plate, because you didn't want to like get curry everywhere until you could be asked to get up and go and wash your hands. So often I'd be like,

it'd be an hour. Really? One hand just sort of like that. Yeah. Just sort of set up like that. wash your hands. So often I'd be like, it'd be an hour. Really? One hand just sort of like that. Yeah, just sort of set up like that. And it would just sort of stick in like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drying. And then like, you know, later that night you take a piss.

You haven't washed your hand properly. Stinging Willy. Yeah, old Stinging Willy, yeah. Old Stinging Willy. Oh, mate, speaking of Stinging Willy, I got fucking really bad Mickey drips the other day

really yeah on League of Their Own right okay they're calling me down for rehearsal I had grey joggers on

yeah I remember them what do you mean you remember them no you weren't quite like the Paul Smith ones okay now you've made me look like a fucking

tramp now no I'm just saying I know what you Now you've made me look like a fucking tramp now. No. I'm just saying. I know what you mean. You've got quite a distinctive pair of great Paul Smith joggers. Okay.

So it was, by coincidence, it was those joggers. Well, I took a piss. I sort of come downstairs. I look down and there's like a little kind of,

like a dot. Oh no. And I had a T-shirt on. And then I sat down at the desk and they, this sounds a bit mad, but I had to film something with my top off for like in rehearsal for them to put into the show. And then I sort of thought, I just had to basically kind of stall doing that until this piss dot disappeared from my job.

It's just a disgusting story. No, no, no. But also, the worst one is when you pull your T-shirt down to cover it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've seen a lot of that. I've seen a lot of that. It's horrible. It's a common thing, Mickey drips, right?

Mickey drips for men of our age is a very, very common thing. I don't know if everyone knows him as Mickey drips, but that was a Camille Cadury thing that we put into King Gary. But Mickey drips, yeah. I think mostille Coduri thing that we put into King Gary, but Mickey Drips, yeah. I think that most men, look, I think I'm wearing

grey shorts now and I went for a wee in a restaurant we were just in and I was terrified about, yeah, yeah, anything.

You've got to be so fucking careful. Beige, anything, any light colours. Yeah. Fucking go out with a pair of pastel shorts

you're running a fucking gauntlet. Oh yeah, God help you. Especially if you're on a pair of pastel shorts, you're running a fucking gauntlet. Oh yeah, God help you. Especially if you're on a night out having a few drinks.

I always respect someone when I see a man in a pair of tan chinos on a night out or a

pair of grey trousers. Yeah. I remember I was a pair of, I think it was,

I turned 36 and I had a pair of grey moleskin trousers. I went to the toilet, I came out

and it looked like I'd eaten a kebab off my lap. Oh no. Yeah. Do you notice, I came out, and it looked like I'd eaten a kebab off my lap. Oh, no. Yeah.

Do you notice, I mean, this is a problem, and like, you know, some people might find this gross, but you feel like now,

it's like, you finish a wee, and it feels like there's always like, it's like a Lord of the Rings movie. You think you've finished, and there's always a little bit that

Peter Jackson's just put on the end of it. So you're like, oh, everything's done, and then it just runs over. I know, I know. It's like a prank. It's like your body's

playing a prank on you. So you stand there, you're sort of milking the shit out of it, trying to make sure that, you know, you've got every little snippet of liquid out.

And then literally as you zip up, it goes, oh, yeah, hold on, we just found a bit more. I've lost my mind with my penis on that fucking... I've gone, why would you do this to found a bit more I've lost my mind with my penis on

that fucking I've gone why would you do this to me like when I've been out okay I don't I don't please

I've really lost my mind with it oh god right should we do one more let's do one more my chief okay

hello Wolf and al firstly your podcast brings me joy and billy laughs in the regular okay thank you very much uh this is from vienna by the way tom i know you like a foreign email oh wow that's a nice one wow vienna's a very sweet sweet place uh okay i have a pressing question for you off the back of a recent experience i had i was at a party and i got into discussion with a friend about whether they sit or squat on public toilets. As a consistent sitter, I was surprised that they squat. I then went on to ask people, including some I just met, about whether they sit or squat. And there was an overwhelming unanimous vote for squatting across both guys and girls.

Are you taking notes? No. What are you doing? I've got like these holes that are in a shoe box so i've got the computer on and i'm trying to get that to fit into the holes i'm listening as well you are so fucking rude you know that no no i know exactly what's going on no okay what am i talking about you're talking about a girl from vienna right yeah she's talking about sitting or squatting right so she was at a party she She's a sitter on a toilet.

Someone else said that they were squatters. She then walked around to all of the people at the party asking them, oh, do you sit or do you squat? And there was a resounding lean towards people who squatted rather than sat. Okay, you got lucky there. I'm still quite taken aback

because I think life's too short to be squatting, especially when it's avoidable after a wipe down of the seat before sitting. Where do you stand on this? Or should I say, where do you sit or squat on this please shout out my new boyfriend bernoulli as of monday we can't get enough okay i shouldn't have done that because as of monday i mean that is very new isn't it and then now you know the newer it is the more likely it is to have gone tits up i think bernoulli's a keeper man. I think Bernoulli's a keeper.

Why do you say that? I think it's just ladies are queen. What are you basing that on? Because she sits. Instead of squatting? Look, I can steam right into this without... I bet you can.

I haven't even got to come close to putting on the brakes. I'm a sitter. I always have been. I probably always will be. Do you understand why people might squat at a public toilet? Yeah, I kind of get it.

If I'm honest, I just always think, are you going to get the best of what you're aiming to do through squatting? Yeah, I'm not too sure about that. Sometimes, if I'm honest... Oh, God. At home, I have a little stool that uh i put by the toilet so you know i sit and then i can have my knees can come further okay let me just talk to you about that because i was about

to talk about this do you know that that is a much better way of doing it do you know that that is how humans are supposed to poop it's like it's a game changer bro is it genuinely like okay what what happens what's the difference doing it with a little stone bro is it genuinely like okay what what happens what's the difference doing it with a little steam your legs come up so that forces your everything to sort of

straighten up a little bit right yeah yeah yeah I don't want to be too graphic here okay everything is cleaner everything is easier

and it doesn't feel like you're putting so much bearing upon your sphincter do you know what you've managed to do there is you've managed to be sort of disgusting easier and it doesn't feel like you're putting so much bearing upon your sphincter. Do you know what you've managed to do there? You've managed to be sort of disgusting and not made it any clearer about what the advantages are of using this stool.

Is it easier to shit? Yeah, that's what I mean. You're not putting as much pressure. Literally, I would say everyone who's listening to this podcast right now go you haven't got to

go and buy a special store for it like get a saucepan turn it upside down no don't please don't do that please do not

please do not do that no but you can get like that you can get yeah but footstool's not expensive is it footstool on Amazon

yeah you'll get one probably for around a5, £6. If I walked into someone's bathroom and there was an upturned saucepan in front of the toilet, I reckon I would leave immediately. what the hell the worst thing would be if you saw the saucepan upturned by the toilet

15 minutes later you go downstairs and see a big chilli being cooked in it and that is the circle of life that is the circle of life right there but yeah

so yeah I sit with you confirmly and I wish your relationship all the best I really do good luck to you Emma and Bernoulli

I sit as well I sit alongside you well not alongside you but you know what I mean is figuratively speaking in solidarity with you have you ever sat next to someone at Oedipus

like so you actually can see them? No, I'll tell you what I have done once, though. I was doing a gig and I turned up at the gig

and I had a phase for a while of gigging where I really became desperate to go to the toilet. Have I told this story? I don't know if you've told it. It's one of my favourite ever stories. But I don't know if you've told it on this podcast, but it favorite ever stories but i don't know if you told it on this podcast but it's genuine maybe i have maybe i

have oh no i don't think you have i think you told me i think you've told me in the pub before i don't think you've ever it's a brilliant story anyway i i went into the top i went to i went to the pub where i was doing the gig and i said to the guy where's your toilet and he goes the men's toilets are not are out of order at the moment he goes you could just pop into the women's we're not busy so i go into the women's toilet and i sit down and start having a shit and sort of in the process of finishing my shit when three women walk into the toilet right they're having a chat they all know each other so i just become silent and i think i've just got to wait this out now i'm just going to stay here until they've gone and then i'm going to leave uh one of them sits in the cubicle next to me and starts having a piss right and then one of her mates who sat the

other side and then i hear her she finishes her piss and she knocks on the cubicle on my cubicle wall and she goes excuse me babe have you got any toilet tissue in there because there's none in here and then i started i sort of didn't know what to do right because i can't say anything i'm not so sorry i'm a bloke and i'm just coming to take a shit but here's some toilet tissue i don't want to even silently pass it because i thought my hand would give it away and i thought i also have to say something as i pass the talk you know it's just everything's a bit weird about it so in the end what i ended up doing because I thought my hand would give it away. And I thought I also have to say something as I pass the toilet. You know, everything was a bit weird about it.

So in the end, what I ended up doing was I just didn't say anything. I just stayed silent and sat without moving. And then she knocked on the wall again. She goes, excuse me, have you got any toilet tissue? And I just stayed silent and didn't move again. And then she just went, bitch. And then like, finished their piss they

started going up good what's their fucking problem and then they left and then i sat there for another i reckon 35 minutes what honestly yeah because i didn't because i just thought they're gonna want to see who this bitch is that didn't pass on the toilet to show. And then, so they're definitely watching the door. Did you have a beard at the time? Yeah. What's that got to do with anything? No, because you could have like,

made yourself look more feminine if you didn't have a beard. Tom, it's about that time, Ajay. Slightly unfortunately, because as is your tendency, you tend to kind of do your closing thoughts about whatever the last thing is we were talking about. So let's see what you've got in the locker. Maybe I should actually talk about the thing we were just talking about. Because maybe that's the thing we should all be talking about

right now, is the role of the underdog the role of the undersung the role of you know the things that we need more in life but we don't know until it's abundant abundantly absent just how much we need them and of course it's easy to think of loved ones and through food and fruit and milk and bread and all of the amazing things that yeah you you hold dear to your heart but sometimes it's the things that you need most of all that go missing every now and again and you long for them. And I'm talking about the humble shit ticket. Nevermore in the world were we ever more known or more absent than just 18 months ago when we couldn't find shit tickets for love nor money

and we realised how valuable they were. And I'm not just talking about shit tickets, I'm talking about friendship, I'm talking about everything. Remember in life to look at the things that sometimes you overlook and realise that actually they're important after all.

And always keep a lookout for a little boy jumping up and down on a bouncy castle on his own. He might not need a friend. What he might need is just to know he's not alone. There we go. Wow.

There was quite a lot of huffing during that one. For me? There was a couple of huffs, a couple of snorty huffs. There was a couple of bits where I thought you went into needless detail. And I think you were doing that to wind me up. Yeah, there was a little bit of that.

But sometimes, yeah. Maybe we're talking about life, death, God. Maybe coming back as a piece of toilet paper isn't the worst thing in the world. Sure. Yeah, sure. Well, I suppose you'd have to come back as a tree first. Yeah.

And then be used as a tree. Yeah, absolutely. Secular life. Really horrible version of the Lion King. So a couple of things before we go. We've had a few emails

in about my doorbell. Although people haven't known it's my doorbell. But my doorbell goes off quite a lot. So, and people have complained about it because they say

they keep thinking it's their doorbell. Right. When my doorbell goes off during the podcast. So, look, I can't offer any guarantees. I'll try and stay across it, all right? That's all I'm saying.

Somebody else emailed in to say, has this become a football podcast? Why do you talk about football so much? I'd like to say to that person, go fuck yourself. And that's it. Thank you so much for listening to just like to say to that person, go fuck yourself. And that's it. Thank you so much for listening to The Wolf for now.

Remember, there's no bonus episode. If you'd like to get in touch, please do email us on wolfoutpod at gmail.com. Tom, enjoy your holiday.

I'm saying that for the benefit of the podcast because I have no doubt that I'll be speaking to you while you're away. I love you, brother. Take care, everybody.

Love you. Bye-bye. Peace, I love you, brother. Take care, everybody. Love you. Bye-bye. Peace, peace, peace, peace.