Wolf and Owl - Episode 35

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

We’re talking… writing lyrics, the return King Gary, becoming a monk, mickey-drip solutions, Tom’s adventures in Greece and holiday parenting. Plus some advice on email questions about announcing a job change to parents, moving to the UK from Australia and dying on your ass on stage. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Yo, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Yeah. Howler, both of them are known to pull up at your shows, have the crowd witnessing the murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows, fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing, they stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing, dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff of puff and a expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping, impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning, just kidding, every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog yo hey baby what you listening to what's going through your ear holes yes oh my gosh can you believe it can you believe it we're back hey look at you it's it's the summer time so i need to be honest from the outset and say during the month of August, we will be going down to one episode a week, right? Yeah, summer break, summer vacation.

And some people would go, do you know what? Let's rest the podcast. All we're resting is the bonus episodes. Let's be honest. It's hard for me to get past the fact you look so fucking drippy this morning, my G. You look lit. You genuinely look right.

This is how you look. I say this with as much earnestness as I have in my soul and in my peak. You look like you've just fucking spent the whole night laying down an album that is going to change a genre of music. Let me tell you something. About 4am

we put down... I thought we were done with the session. I thought we were done with the session, right? I thought we were done with the session. We put down a track, right? I know people say, game changer. Let me lay this on you. Game smasher. As in...

Wow. As in, they're going to have to pick up pieces of the game and put the game back together like a jigsaw puzzle after the track that we just put down it's it's a bit house looking it's a bit drum and bass it's a bit early dubstep but with a wicked vocal over the top of it i think you're gonna love it there's a little old man uh with a broom who just walks into the studio and gone oh my god they've they've smashed the game the game is smashed game is smashed.

This is going to take me hours to clean up. Just you, Nelly and James Arthur just sitting there with big cigars. Stopping back on Hennessy. I wrote a lyric. I wrote a lyric last night. And honestly, I said to the guys, I need to take the rest of the week off, man. Do you know what I mean?

Because it was on that level. It was on that level, though. Yeah? Have you ever written lyrics down? You know, like I used to write. I used to write a lot of raps. A lot of raps. Like, I used to carry a notebook like i make notes all the time for

stand-up now i look at me pretending like i've got a discipline all the time occasionally when i remember i write notes for stand-up um and i put them on my phone now this is fucking like i i put notes on my phone for stand-up and i've got no idea what the fuck they mean like let me have a look oh man i've got loads of those like you know uh back in the 90s man you know when britpop was big me and my friend rob johnson right we basically neither of us could play the instruments but we were obsessed with that blur oasis um reef all those vibes yeah yeah um cast cast away and all that sort of cast sorry so we basically started trying to write uh sort of songs and uh my dad was cleared out uh uh loft not so long ago found

the book songs and i've never felt embarrassment like uh scrolling through these these songs at the time i thought i'd write an imagine by john lennon and now it they read like s club seven like they're so fucking really bad really like you know you read it yeah and a little bit of you guys oh that's why no one was interested in me like i mean i wrote a song when i was a teenager and like you know i i think i'd read something about um about writing what you know yeah and i didn't even know this because i wasn't i didn't have a driving license i wrote a song called drive right and it was it was right and it was like so so it was like a bit like um you know summertime

that will smith song where he's like talking about cruising it's about a bit like that do you know what I mean and the chorus goes I can remember the chorus goes drive drive drive drive so quite simplistic and then it goes and then it goes nothing better to keep you alive ignoring the fact

that the roads are probably the biggest killer statistically mate more killer better to keep you alive? Ignoring the fact that the roads are probably the biggest killer statistically. The biggest killer in the country, in the world, the roads. Listen, I've got something insane to tell you now. Absolutely insane. Do you remember we were talking about Mickey drips last

episode? Yeah. We've had a load of emails in about how to stop Mickey drips, right? Yeah, because of King Gary coming out, a lot of emails in about how to stop mickey drips right oh man i've yeah because of king gary coming out a lot of people have binged up to episode five and oh by the way before we get into mickey drip sorry this is so fucking rude of me congratulations on king gary bro i've been getting congratulations no but i've been getting loads of messages about well i'll be honest with you i've been getting tagged in loads of messages complimenting you on King Gary. But it has been absolutely amazing, man.

We were talking about this on the night that it went out. How much were you... Because you were on holiday, weren't you, the night it went out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much were you shitting yourself that night? Anxiety. You know what?

I tried to keep a lid on it. I did, like, through the whole week, I did quite a lot of meditation i tried to keep a lid on it i did like through the whole week i did quite a lot of meditation and tried to really chill and and just not think about work or anything and then uh friday came around and that all just went to pot you know and also because it's a two-hour time difference in crete right so you're basically sitting there at like what is like 11 30 at night um and we've been to a greek night that night which was which was incredible um it's such a weird thing isn't it because i think in what we do for a living and what we do with

this and everything you just uh i think it's a real leveler and and like i was talking to my wife about this about criticism and how i know that everyone says i'll construct a criticism blah blah blah and all that but criticism is such a fucking needless thing. Or any kind of, like, you know, like, when I was out in Crete, if I had a bad meal, I didn't criticise it

or fucking have a go at the waiter. No, you'd throw it over the wall or something. Yeah. But I wouldn't say it to someone's face. Sure. I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings. What you realise is that there's a, and, you know, from the stuff I've read, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings what you realise is that there's a there's a and you know

from the stuff I've read I don't get too involved in social media if something is at me I'll read it but I think critics it's just in general

it's such a I think if you're going to spread something spread positivity do you know what I mean that's what I try and do in my life sometimes

obviously not anyone I'm not a fucking I'm not a monk you know sometimes things fucking trip me up and I get out a little bit of a dig. I mean, monks don't really spread. I mean, they're very quiet, aren't they, by nature?

No, very positive, though. Silence is almost the most positive thing of all, right? Sure. Do you think monks speak in brains? Sorry? Do you think monks speak in brains? The way you said that is that there's a language

called brains. No, but you know, like from brain to brain. Telepathically? Like, yeah. Right. Do you think that's how they communicate?

No, I don't. I like the thought, right, that they're all sitting there and they've got to such a high place with their minds, right, that they can telepathically, they'll be sitting there

and they'll be like, I don't know, because they don't have TVs and stuff. I don't even know if they have books, but they'll just be sitting there and they'll be like i don't know because they don't have tvs and stuff i don't even have to have books but they'll just be sitting there in the silence and then they're like oh what you know hey you know telepathically john what's for lunch and it's like oh mick uh i think we're having i think it's actually you know like bored rice and cabbage night or whatever i mean what i'm getting what i'm getting from that is they some real shit. Yeah.

And then David comes walking in the room and telepathically, oh no, it's David. Oh, he does my head in. And David comes in, because you can't give anyone a silent treatment in silence. And David comes in and goes, I've boiled cabbage and rice tonight.

And they're like, there's nothing telepathically coming back to David. And then is David thinking, are they ignoring me? Or is he thinking they're working on a different frequency? Have you pitched this as a sitcom?

I just think it's interesting. Yeah, it is interesting. I don't think, listen, my suspicion is, but you might be right, Tom, as you frequently are on these things. When I believe you to be at your batshittest uh we get an email saying that actually there's some fact to what you're what you're speculating on i would sort of think that they um they like they get to a point where there's

like little visual cues do you mean where they're so attuned to to each other in silence do you mean that they can sort of you know even the raise of an eyebrow, he knows that means, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I feel like chicken tonight. Like the tiniest, yeah, but then imagine misreading the situation. Sure.

Like just by, and it's just on, that's just a twitch that I've had. Like, I sometimes think about monks, like do they just go into a room on their own and just go, oh,

fucking hell, this is so hard work, why did I sign up for this? It does feel like hard work. Did you ever watch that episode of Partridge where he went to stay with him? It was funny, man. It was funny.

We talked about this before, but I really, I like faith as a thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's really... I do. Do you reckon we could be monks?

What do you think would hold us back from being monks? I think if I was going to be a do do you reckon we could be monks what do you think would hold us back from being monks I think if I was going to be a monk with anyone

I could be a monk with you because I think we are now on a level where we

could probably communicate just me silently gesturing to you had to go and fucking bring

it up bring it put the idea made at Wolfenau didn't you and now we've done

it and look at us we're stuck in a monastery I'd do all that

with my eyebrows. You have very, very light-readable eyebrows. I try and communicate solely with my nose. A little monkey cat. Or catty monk. I can't figure out which one.

If we could have any guest on this show, you know what I'd have? What? An ex-monk. An ex-monk. ex-monk tom sometimes like if i if i'd have asked you this last week you wouldn't have said that so let me just explain to you what you need to say what you need to say is at the moment i feel like we could we should

have an ex-monk of the podcast but you've said it like i don't know what you have to fucking preface it by going, if we could have any guest in the world, do you know what I'd have? Is it ex-monk? No, that's literally something that's popped into your head in the last 40 seconds. I would love one, though. It would be an amazing thing, wouldn't it? Okay, let's workshop this.

What questions would you ask? Firstly, I'd say, what made you think about becoming a monk? Good, that's a good opener. Secondly, I'd be like, how are your brethren? Are you still in contact with them? Or your flock? Would you do the thing where you ask a question and then start looking

at your phone immediately as the monks talk? No. I'd be genuinely enthralled about it. Like, do you miss the monk's sofa? No. Oh, no, I'd be, like, genuinely enthralled about it. Like, do you miss the monk habit that you used to... What's it called? The thing they wear monks to a bit, innit?

No, that's a nun thing. Isn't it cassock? Oh, yeah. Do you miss your cassock? Do you still have your sandals? What's the three best things about being a monk and the three worst things

about being a monk? Okay, all right, okay. And then... Do you actually drink mead? I think you'll find a question. Are there any stereotypes that I've missed? Do you prefer it now you can grow your hair? I bet after you've been a...

If you've left the monkery... Is that what it's called, a monkery? No, it's not. It's taking you like If you've left the monkery. Is that what it's called, a monkery? No, it's not. Do you know what? It's taking you like 50 episodes to get a word wrong. But fuck me, you did it in class. A monkery. Just go and see the chief monk and go,

you all right, Keith? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, if I'm going to be honest with you, I'm done with the monkery. You want to leave? Sorry. You said you want to leave the monkery. You want to leave? Sorry. You said you want to leave the monkery? Oh, yeah. I've had it up to here with the monkery.

It's all the monkeying business. No, yeah. Monkeying around isn't really doing it right. Monkeying around. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no. I get it. Well, thanks, Sean. Well, hopefully I'll see you around or something. We'll just leave your sandals in your cassock. Is it alright if I get a change of clothes first?

Anyway, that's great, all that Monk stuff. But the reason we started on this little conversational thing, Mickey Drip. Yeah. the reason we started on this little conversational thing mickey drip yeah right so we got i got an email or got what we got more than one email i say i look at my fucking mask has slipped in it we got we got an email a number of emails yeah telling me telling us oh god telling us how to stop mickey drips and yeah have you been i see have you received this message as well i've had a couple i've had like some, the one that I was like, oh my God, that's a fucking mad thing. What?

Which is that, have you had to squeeze in your perineum? Yes, that's what I'm about to tell you. Right, so you take your finger. Okay, we'll talk about this, but you take your finger and you sort of push upwards and forwards against the back of your ball bag, right? And apparently there's some little kind of... Like a button.

There's a like a... Yeah. Yeah, and basically you press that and then after you jizz, you find that no um it's like a little bit of piss and that's the bit that's coming out afterwards so um look i'm gonna tell you now i've tried it have you did it work a hundred percent a hundred percent effectiveness right that's the plus that's the positive of this The negative of this story is I don't know how you do that at urinal. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no. Yes. You've got to become a cubicle. Yeah. You have to, you have to,

because no, but it's something you dragging your finger up the underside of, of your fucking gooch. So that's got it. That's got it. No, just getting rid of the little piss behind my ball bag. Isn't it funny like

whoever created like man or humans is that someone basically put a little button or a lever behind your ball bag to do that thing

so yeah but it's like you know like when you've got a key on your laptop or like something on your phone yeah

where you haven't used it like Steve Jobs invented something on your phone and you go oh shit oh that makes it a lot easier to use. That's what a Pyrenean is.

Yeah. It's like a little DVD Easter egg. You know, you have to look for it when you find it. For the real fans of the human body, it's a real treat. Who found that as well? I know. Well, I guess I imagine it's a guy like, I mean listen we're we're a human race that discovered that cow's milk is a thing i mean that you want to drink and but like i i think you know somebody was sat there or stood after a piss

and just thinking like how do i stop these dribbles i'm just messing around i don't know how you isolated that one thing because i've done i've done the thing where I've shaken and shaken and shaken to the point where... I've squeezed and shaken. Yeah, I've done a lot of that. Just like absolutely punishing the helmet to try and like squeeze every last bit in a vain hope. For just £4.99, you can get a Subway 6-inch Black Forest ham sub

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Conditions apply. I'm not going to ruin my shorts on holiday. What I like is that's just a really, either a very desperate or very intelligent man who's just gone, you know what, if I just mess around, it's not messing around on the road of a car to see what's wrong with it.

I'd like to think this guy has sort of made that his goal. You know how you're supposed to give yourself an objective and you try and solve it. And then every day he just sort of said to his other half, I'm just off to the toilet again.

I'll be about 45 minutes to an hour. I need to figure this out. I keep picturing Doc Brown from Back to the Future. He does it every time he goes to a restaurant. His wife just explaining to the other couple

they've gone with, no, sorry, it's just a thing. Honestly, once he's cracked this, he says he can really help people out. He's really working on a cure for Mickey drips. What he's going to do is he's going to find the cure for Mickey drips, and what he's going to do after that is distribute the information really poorly so that not everyone will know still, even after he's found this out. It would be great if you could name it after it

and call it the Duncan button or something. He names it after his wife for all the struggle she's got. No, what you have to do is you have to push on the Matilda. Honestly, you don't have to do this stuff. Honestly, you don't. No, honestly, my love, I want to do this.

It's a dedication to you. And so that little bit in the perineum that releases the last bit of piss after you think you've finished, it's going to be called the Matilda. I've made my last work after you. Anyway, how was, how was your holiday?

Was it good? It was amazing. It was, I was getting, I'm going to talk about a couple of little faux pas i made in in my first thing i did that was wrong is uh i went away and i thought i want to look like paul and beach ready i want to be like fucking i want to be gone i want to look i want to feel good about myself so i had a little uh little shave of the old back uh and then i

decided i decided to shave my ass, right? Right. What was the thinking behind that? I just thought, you know what? It was what I was thinking. You know, it's that famous thing. When you start shaving, you sort of become addictive to just get rid of hair. Sure.

Right? Have you ever done that? Have you ever shaved your ass? No. I shaved my ass. Yeah. No, I've shaved my balls. I've never shaved my ass.

Right. So don't. It's right. I shaved my ass before No, I've shaved my balls. I've never shaved my ass. Right, so don't. It's right. I shaved my ass before we got away, right? Okay, please talk me through. I'd like to know as much detail as possible about the actual, when this happened, and how much of it. This is before we went.

I'm like, I want to basically be in, if there comes a time where I want to leap into the scene naked, I want to know that my ass isn't fucking hairy. where I want to leap into the sea naked, I want to know that my arse isn't fucking hairy. And I look like a man who's got a hairy arse. But I sort of thought, you know, I just want to sort of feel nice about myself. So I fucking shave it.

And number one, the worst thing of doing, right, is I don't have hair, right? So I'm not accustomed to sort of fades or whatever uh trying to fade your fucking the fact you shaved your arse in and then trying to fade in the fact you've got really hairy legs it's it's an absolute clusterfuck because what it does is it makes you look right like you're wearing like you're wearing a fake pair of like a bum coloured pair of pants

right so you try and fade it in like with a gradual fade yeah yeah go through the fucking go through the different lengths of laser um

you try to do a skin fade below your arse cheek it's incredible yeah like like literally you have your arse cheek and then you've got like a fucking 0.5 not one two and then you're just full hair right so i started doing it anyway

fucking i get it i get it looking okay i think this is possible yeah what i don't fucking consider wrong is the pool that we had in our hotel was a saltwater pool, right? And, you know, like the little bits that you get inside the swimming trunks, those little netting bits? When saltwater gets in there, even if you have a shower and you wash after, it can become quite itchy at the best of times. I spent the first three days of my fucking holiday

with my wife, who I tried to sort of like, feel like really attractive, like thinking, yeah, I'll shave up and i'll fucking look good i spent the first three days as a 42 year old man with nappy rash like i was in such like fucking like mad at ag. Like, like in the end I was fucking, we had a pool in our, in our villa. I ended up having to sort of like try and fucking get some sun to my bum to get like dry.

Dry it out. No, it was so fucking old fish. You've caught. I want to go to a chemist and ask for fucking nappy cream right did you tell Catherine you were going to shave your arse

first of all yeah yeah yeah and what was her response to that I mean she like it is with most of the things it's like oh right okay

right alright I don't know why you're doing this that's exactly that's exactly maybe instead of shaving your arse maybe instead of shaving your arse you maybe instead of shaving your arse, you shouldn't have had that fourth eclair that you had last night.

That's what Lisa's like today. I'm thinking about doing this to look better. Why don't you just eat and exercise like a normal human? If you're worried about body image and you want to do something, just stop eating, all right? Just step on a fucking treadmill. Fucking losing a fucking, whatever it is,

just from a fucking hair on my hair mass of my body. Did you go right into the crack? No, fuck, mate. I don't delve around down there. I have done that once. No, I was going to say because I've heard,

yeah, because I've heard that that's a real problem. Yeah. If you start shaving in and around the anus. Yeah, yeah, you've got to be really careful. Because actually, those hairs actually have quite an important job of self-cleaning your bum at times.

No, I don't want to. No, no, but they have the, you know, cleg nuts and all that sort of stuff. And if they're not to catch them, your skid marks become, that's why people have really, really bad skid marks. If you want to find someone who's shaved their up, like, between their bum cheeks. I think this might be speculation. No, look in the back of their pants.

That's the best way. Yeah, don't ask them, by the way. Just go straight in. You had a good time. It was nice, yeah. What was the other thing I got badly burnt as well really badly

stupidly like I catch the sun nice and I catch the sun nice I catch it nice baby but we went on a boat trip and

I was swimming in the sea after you know my bum had cleared up and they I stupidly didn't put enough on and then I was sitting like that trying to be cool in the sea after my bum had cleared up. And I stupidly didn't put enough on. And then I was sitting like that, trying to be cool in the back of the boat. I burnt under my armpits. Under your armpits?

Yeah. Was that reflecting off a surface underneath? Yeah, it must have been the white of the boat. Yeah. Oh, man. Shout out to... I don't doubt he listens to this podcast because he doesn't speak much English and he's from Crete.

But shout out to Costas the boatman. He was amazing. He was just an incredible guy. You're such a fucking textbook holiday maker, which is where... Listen, I'm sure Costas is a real nice guy. You're one of, what, thousands of people he sees every summer. And for some reason, you've come back thinking you made a

real fucking connection with him. He had a bit of a chat and you walked away and he said to Kat, you know what, I bet you I'm the first person to actually sort of refer to him by his name. I just think you need to treat these people like humans, you know? Like a guy that thinks that he's fallen in love with a stripper after a stag do. That happened to my friend.

We all went out to Riga and he fell in love with a stripper and actually brought, you know, he was single at the time and he was having a bit of a, I won't name this guy, having a bit of a tough time and stuff.

And he... Well done for the restraint you've just shown. No, no, no. I was just literally... I'm actually impressed. His name was on the tip of my tongue. I've not done it.

And we went to Riga for a mate's tag team. He was like, oh man, this girl is amazing. Then at the wedding, he turned up with the said stripper. Oh my God. He paid for her to come and live with him. It didn't last for long. Fuck off. Yeah, it didn't last for long.

She realised what a loser he was and moved up into London. But, but, oh God. Have you ever been to Latvia? Like Riga? No,

no. So, their, their gift of like, what they give to you is but they're obsessed with potatoes like when you're out in the street and stuff like people just come over and will give you a potato and you give them a bit of money for it but it's really like an amazing like thing what the fuck are you talking about they'll walk over to you and then like hold you a potato sort of pass it to you

and then yeah and then sort of like you know you either take it as a gift or you can give them a little bit of money for it well and how frequently did that happen in i probably had about eight nine potatoes in and i was there for three days as you come walking hello mate we've hit the fucking jackpot get the sack i felt bad as well didn't take them home with me but because you're not allowed to are you no you're not did you actually buy the potatoes

that's what I'm saying like like you're the type of bloke you're the type of bloke that will just at the carnage do you know what I don't even want a potato

I don't like a potato I don't feel like a potato but you're a sweet sweet soul and I just respect what you're doing keep on asking my thing was there's no way

I could do anything with this potato I can't eat it even an onion you can eat like an apple but potato you can't because it's poisonous right i would fucking love it if somebody sold you an onion and just to show them how much you liked you decided eating it like a fucking apple in front of them i i do i frequently like when we're on holiday if someone turns around and says this is our speciality dish even if in my head I've had all day what I want to eat, I'll end up going

with the speciality dish. And, you know, Catherine's like, why don't you just have this thing? The thing that you talk, say for all day I'm talking about, oh, I'm going to have

like a lamb jar, I'm going to have like a lamb kebab thing. That's all I'm obsessed with. And then I get there in the evening and someone goes, oh, we've got some monkfish.

It's our speciality. I'll go, oh, I'll have that then. And then sit there eating it, looking at someone on the other table with a lamb jar and thinking, I should got some monkfish. It's our speciality. I'll go, oh, I'll have that then. And then sit there eating it, looking at someone on the other table with a lamb gyro, thinking, I should have fucking had that. But do you know why that is? It's because you're a nice man. Yeah.

It's because you've got a lovely heart, and somebody offers you a speciality dish, and you feel like they've put a bit of extra effort in. That's a speciality. I don't want the speciality to go to waste, and you order it. It's like a lovely thing about you. Yeah, yeah.

And then I sit there eating it disappointed but fine I mean you're a fucking mug enjoying every bite of it yeah

what we need to do and I'm sure you'll feel the same you know the people foreign waiters and waitresses I need to give a massive shout out man

I watch these people every single one they're a credit to humanity because actually you know what they speak four or five different languages

right effortlessly they can deal with all manner of different people they can use every phone to take a picture with I sit and watch them and I think

fucking hell you know if everyone was like you guys this would maybe the world would be a better place and they tirelessly work they can't do enough for you and shakes they remember everyone's name a big shout out to the to the

hard-working foreigners no no just for what you're saying the waiters and waitresses all right have you been out since you've been in portugal uh yeah we went out last night because portugal is like the place to be this for this month isn't it is that yeah yeah yeah it's very like the place to be for this month, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very much the place to be. I want to know what bit it is you're doing. So we haven't even told people I'm on holiday. You're in Portugal. So Romesh is very good, actually.

He's been very, very sweet. It's a fucking blessing to his character that he's on holiday and he's still recording this podcast. That's why we love Rom's shout, the hour shout of when he rides inside it. Fuck. But, no, you know, you see pictures of people out there.

I think Amanda Holden's out there. Holly's out there. Holly Willoughby's out there. It's quite, you know, out the deck. Quite a lot of footballers are out there.

Oh, yeah, I saw the other day, you should try and find out where Kyle Walker and everyone's staying because they've done, they've been doing, like, this kick-up challenge, like air tennis, going to football tennis. What do you think, where Kyle Walker and everyone's staying because they've been doing this kick-up challenge,

like air tennis, going to football tennis. What do you think I should be there? Hand out a drink? No, it'd be quite cool if you turned up and had a laugh with him. That could be quite a funny thing, a little story to tell him. That'd be a good thing for the old socials, yeah. Get that on the gram.

Turn me up with your three boys and absolutely disappointing them go on dad the game of the kick-ass challenge do you know what do you know what

even saying that as a joke I just sort of the look on my boys faces I did a thing last night we were at this restaurant we were at this restaurant and they had like this musical entertainment

musical entertainment they had a musician like a singer fucking hell I don't know why I'm talking like this today was it Portuguese authentic Portuguese or was he like doing english no they were doing like frank sinatra and williams and stuff like that yeah um and um at one point they

said oh kids oh kids kids you want to come down and dance and it's very difficult when you've got boys at the ages that we've got because something that they thought was cool to do two weeks ago yeah they now think is absolutely cringy and awful right so the last time we went to portugal which is obviously pre-covid whenever they would go down and dance right and then i said to them do you want to go and dance and honestly mate it was like it was the worst possible thing it's like i'd said to them do you fancy tongue kissing mom after dinner like honestly but the way they looked at me and then i sort of like doubled down on it i'm like god boy smack it on the dance floor and then theo went to me can you keep it down please oh wow wowzers he was he was so embarrassed it was so mad man like i can't explain it to you man the feeling of your children being embarrassed of you it's so rank do you know who i feel sorry for

sorry for i don't obviously my heart goes out to you lisa but it's probably little alex because actually he's probably thinking, actually, I would like to dance. Because he's like, what, two years younger than Theo? Yeah. So those two years apart, dancing for him is still cool, but he's trying to keep up with his brothers.

Do you know what? Fair play to him. He actually went out eventually. Him and Charlie did do a bit, actually. Yeah, yeah. I think it was like, they were sort of following Theo's lead a bit. Do you know what I mean?

Because Theo ain't having that now. He's the boss, isn't he? Did they do the things when I was away? I noticed a lot of people, a lot of kids and families just sitting on their phones. No, we ban all that. Oh, do you? Credit to you, man. Yeah, like when we're traveling, obviously they can be on screens.

But like, I just feel like, to be honest with you, if they got really aggy and it just felt like they were utterly bored, then we probably would let them. But I don't know it's it's a difficult one man i don't i don't um i don't judge anybody if i see a family like and they're all their kids on their phones you sort of think to yourself you know you do find yourself thinking i i get it i mean if that's what you need to do to have a quiet dinner then i completely understand because we didn't they're not allowed on screens our boys during dinner yeah and and it's fucking hard to keep them engaged like they're sitting with their parents i understand why you get bored and irritated by that sitting with your parents for a meal but yeah we don't let them but it's hard

sometimes it's hard uh how is because like what i noticed as well when I went away I like watching people it's one of my favorite things is you notice dads that are like sort of dads who are obviously work

work dads who are out all the time and all of a sudden they're with their families for a week or two and you can see

you know in their breakfast you hear like the mum of the family just go you know I'm fucking gonna chill and I'm gonna enjoy myself fair play i'm gonna you know there was one family that the mum looked like she was sort of she's basically just gone you're gonna look after these two and i'm just gonna fucking this this is about me now right and it's sort of that

the dads who are trying to sort of show a bit of power in front of their kids and also in front of their wives and lose that, was like one of the most toe-cringingly bad. There was a dad there whose kids clearly had no respect for him. It was heartbreaking to watch. And he'd be like, come on, guys, come on. Pool time's over. Let's get your clothes on. Get your towels on.

We're going to go out. And the mum would just be reading. And then he'd sort of like two or three times asked them, we go, we're still looking at our phones. We still need to get ready and go. Come on, guys. And then he did this weird shoulder rolling thing. I don't know whether he was trying to be tough or what.

And by the way, his kids, I don't know if he listens to his podcast, but I'll never see him. His kids were called Josie and Ian, which I thought were quite traditional. Ian? Yeah. I thought it quite sort of traditional. Ian? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was quite... Me and Catherine found it... I don't think I've seen a kid called Ian.

No, maybe it's coming back. But he'd be like, come on, Josie, Ian, come on. Let's not look at those. Let's start to get ready. And then he'd look towards the mum for help after about 15, 20 minutes and she was just like,

no, I've left. I'm fucking, this is me. This is about me. Like reading a book and he'd look like a whimpering, like, you know, like when you sort of see

like someone in an action film and they haven't got the metal to take on the bad guys and they're looking for the rock or they're looking for fucking Mark Wahlberg to come and save them. That's what he was like. And in the end, she just goes, Josie,ie here put your clothes on and then they just put down their phone start putting their clothes it was so sad to watch well do you know what you do remind me

of something i did yesterday which was arguably more pathetic than that which was we were sat on the sunbeds by the pool yesterday and um one of the kids was just sat out in the sun like properly out in the sun and i could you know i could tell that we're gonna have a nightmare in that evening because he's gonna be all exhausted and like overheated or whatever so i said to him mate move over like i said i put a sunbed over here in the shade go and sit over there and he goes i don't want to i don't want to i'm all right here dad and he and he wasn't alright there he was too hot

but he just didn't he couldn't be arsed to move I get that I get that right but I said to him look mate just move over there you'll feel better for it

he's like no no no do you know what I ended up doing what gosh I ended up basically grassing him up to Lisa it's so tragic oh my god

oh my god I was like honestly I said the words Lisa I'm telling him to move over to that side. Oh my life. You're like the prison rat now in that villa.

Yeah, honestly, the rest of last night and this morning, he's been walking past me going, little snit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There'll be razor blades in your cornflakes. Oh, so bad. He's like literally telling the other two, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's so bad. He's literally telling the other two, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, dad's a rat. That's what a dancer would think. He'd probably want it in a dance. Yeah.

I know this is enough bad of me, so I'm picturing it's Theo, but it could have been the other two. Walking into the kitchen and seeing him fucking melting some sugar into the kettle. Where's my toothbrush? Prison shank. Where's my toothbrush?

Prison shank. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really?

Yeah, he says it's a pill that's Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca Order up for Rebelsis. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music.

Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Okay, should we do some emails? Is Lisa still doing emails?

I'm not sure. She is, yeah, of course she is. That woman is insane. She is. Yeah, of course she is. That woman is a saint. She is. Okay. This first paragraph, let me just get your take on this. This first paragraph is very nice about us.

Yeah. Very sweet, but it's going to be quite embarrassing to hear. I've just literally skimmed it. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Can I just start by saying thank you?

I always thought you were lovely, funny guys, but listening to this podcast, your kindness and humility and love for those around you just shines out whenever i read that i always think that's sort of obviously more directed at tom because you do do that kind of sweet sweet you should listen to my sweet i think yeah we we ride on this this bike of justice together yeah oh god you imagine us on a tandem of justice so embarrassing looking at my sweaty bald ass crack just wow without the hair the sweat just really sort of water falls off those cheeks isn't it anyway she says i hope you know how much you mean to people that's very nice

thank you so much anyway my question is this i've been working in quite a decent job for a number of years not amazing money or anything, but the job title makes it sound quite prestigious. And my elderly dad has loved telling his friends what his daughter does for a living. The thing is, the job is ending, and the only way I've been able to find to keep some money coming in

is a minimum wage call centre role. This doesn't bother me, but I know my dad would be devastated if status was a big thing to him. And with him being in his 90s and in poor health, my question is, should I just keep quiet and not let on that I've had to change roles, or should I tell him even though I know it would upset him?

I've only a few years until retirement, so I don't know if it's worth making him unhappy by letting him know. Thank you for the advice, and thank you, Lisa, for having to read all of these. This is a tricky one, isn't it? That's very hard. It's a humdinger, as we say in the question and answers

auditorium that we work in, that is a humdinger you know what I'm genuinely I'm like severed in two on this one there's a part of me that thinks keep on making

him believe that you're doing this job that makes him proud that you're doing this this job uh that makes uh him proud of you and you know but then actually the biggest part of me thinks that he's proud of you anyway you know you've you've you're near to retirement you've you've worked tirelessly all your life uh it's not like you've lost the job the role's finishing um and i think i think the facts of the matter is that yes um you know uh prestige and and uh sort of having a role that you've had is is important to your father and and if then but i actually think the most important thing is that you know you're an honest and true and a good person and i think that he you respect that

and i don't think i think that i think the truth, he respect that. And I don't think, I think that, I think the truth of things is, and I think the, um, the truth of the truth is, is how you handle something like this. I think going to him and going, uh,

you know what? Uh, yeah, I've had to, you know, they've canceled my role and not doing any more. I've got to work in a minimum page job. I think,

you know, if you make it sound really down and low he's he's i think that the thing is he's going to feel that you're upset and that'll make him upset and that'll make him down whereas you just say you know what the thing i've been doing and i've loved and we've both loved is coming to an end now and uh you know that that journey is over and you haven't got to say what you're doing you haven't got to say you're getting paid minimum wage so you know i've found something else that's gonna you know keep tying me over until i retire i think it's sort of the way that you sort of push that description but i don't think i don't think

you should underestimate that you know the pride in your dad you know in you know so sorry terry's in ill health but i think the pride that your dad has in you i think will continue because you sound to me like you're a pretty amazing person and kudos for that yes uh i agree with everything that tom said great advice that i'm first of all can i say anonymous i know that tom says this a lot but it is you should be proud of the fact that and i don't want to patronize you but the fact that you've even like you know that your job's come to an end and then you've stepped up and taken this job on that you know i don't know how much you enjoy you haven't said but like it's hard it's hard to make choices like that and um it's difficult when you're not you know when the opportunities that you really want aren't there and so you find that you kind of have to compromise on what you really want to do in

order to make ends meet it's a real it's a it's a really tough thing to do so credit to you for doing that um and you know i don't know what your relationship's like with your dad i suspect listen if if it was one of my kids telling me that the job that they really liked had come to an end and they were taking off a minimum wage job in order to make ends meet i'd be so proud of them for stepping up and doing that you know and and i'd have confidence that either they'd go on to find something they really wanted to do later on or if they were happy doing that if they're close to retirement and they just want to do that until they're retired then that's fair enough as well I think the one thing that all parents want for their kids is to be happy and when parents put

pressure on you to do this thing or that thing, even though it feels awful at the time, the only reason they're doing that is because they think that's what's going to make you happy. And sometimes they don't get that right. And so, listen, I always think being honest is the best policy. And like Tom says, it's the framing of that that is the key to this. If you say to your dad, you know, this thing has come to an end and I'm doing this and I'm enjoying it and it's a great way to pay the bills and stuff and I don't really have to think about it too much. I can turn up the second I leave work.

I can think about other stuff I don't have to worry about. There's zero stress, all of that. You know, he'll be delighted, I think. So, look, good luck with it. I hope the situation's not getting you down because there's no reason it should be. You're doing great.

So well done. Um, I wish I hadn't sounded quite as patronizing as I did, but I do mean it. Man. Sometimes you, you're, yeah,

I love it when you're like that. And you know what? I think the listeners need to know that as soon as you finish that bit, you looked off into the middle distance. Okay. next email. I felt sort of slightly embarrassed myself with the earnestness of that. I think the most embarrassing thing was,

you know, that little tattling on your son. I think that was the thing there. Yeah, that's true. It doesn't get lower than that. Yeah, yeah. Okay. This is very exciting for you in particular.

Hello to the wolf owl swan and cat wow the cat as well flying in on the cat yo that's not the exciting bit

don't worry I knew you were going to get you thinking oh my god am I supposed to be excited about the fact that he's shouted at my wife I'm 24

my name is Jack Scheiman aka The Shark all the way from Perth Western Australia what what yeah boy my god yeah boy oh mate yo all the way from Perth, Western Australia. What? Yeah, boy. My guy.

Yeah, boy. Oh, mate. Yo. Shout out Perth. I hope you're safe in these trying times. I love the pod and I've been binge listening

on site while at work in Darwin, which is the capital of the Northern Territory. It's helped me a lot after a recent breakup from a serious relationship that fell apart

when my partner moved interstate. You guys are sweet, sweet souls and it's refreshing to hear two blokes be so genuine down to earth. We need more guys like you. Well, ideally not, because it would sort of erode our USP on this podcast. I've always loved English culture

and found that I always get on best with English people. My grandfather's from Newcastle. My dad is Swedish, so I've grown up playing football and continue to play locally in Perth. Brackets, Gunners fan. Wow. Like you, Rob. Same as you, Rob.

Yes, absolutely. Yes, you might. Yeah, like me. Which is not the common option compared to our Aussie rules version. I can picture myself living in England post-lockdown. I'm just interested in where you guys think would be... Oh, this is quite difficult, actually.

And I'm just interested in where you guys think would be... Oh, this is quite difficult, actually. And I'm just interested in where you guys think would be a good place to settle. Also, could you give us an insight into how us Australian folks are generally perceived over in the UK? I know a few bad eggs have given us a bad rep over there, but I hope we're generally welcomed warmly. Cheers, guys. Keep up the amazing work. Big love. Jay Shy, The Shark.

Wow, Jay Shy. My guy. My guy. Firstly, Jay Shy. My guy. My guy. Firstly, Jay, congratulations on your roots and your family tree. Swedish, English, very strong, strong, strong, strong boy.

And also in your footballing career. As far as I'm concerned, I think Australians are loved over here, no? If I hear... Look, I'm going gonna put it this way I'm gonna throw that out if I go to a soiree or a dinner party or some kind of you know say it's someone's 50th or whatever I turn up I hear an Australian accent I know that I've got a friend there oh god I know that there's someone there who I can I can you know it's one of my lifetime

ambitions to go to Australia. I've never told anyone that. I'm actually, maybe I've said it on the podcast before, but it is one of my lifetime dreams to go to Australia.

I seriously think, kick back sometimes and just think, wow, man, what would I even help? My mind would be blown. So,

you know, Jay Shah, man, like, it's like, like a kindred spirit, you know, both of us could meet halfway, I don't know, we're halfway between Australia and England. man, it's like a kindred spirit. You know, both of us could meet halfway.

I know we're halfway between Australia and England. Yeah, it's a great idea. You want to go to Australia, he wants to go to England. Why don't you meet in between so neither of you are happy? Just you two having a fucking awful time in Singapore. But listen, my man. Firstly, don't make any rash decisions before moving.

I've done that before and on a breakup of a relationship and massively regretted it because I didn't think it through. But, you know, if you've still got

family in Newcastle or you've still got family over here anywhere, there's always a chance that you could come over here, stay with them for a while,

instead of making it like a massive life-changing thing of, like, I'm going to move lock stock and two smoking barrels over here. Come and see if you like it. Spend a bit of time there, over here. Where would I settle? I think, you know, I think Australia, I've been to Wales and met Australians. I've been to Newcastle, Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham.

Yeah, there's a good Australian scene everywhere. Obviously, London is a big one. But as far as I know, like,

you know, and this is, I can only speak for Big TD, but, you know, I always think

Australians are like a friend that you've, you know, you've never met like when you meet an Australian. So shout out

to everyone Australian. Shout out to everyone Australian. Yeah out to everyone Australian. Yeah, all the good Australians. And obviously, Jay Shah, if you do make it over to this humble green land that we call England,

there's a cold brewski waiting from me and Ron. We'll sit down and we'll talk to you about whatever and stuff. So you know where we're at, baby. Jay Shah, once again, let me reiterate, you know that doesn't come from me. Now, listen, have Australians got a good rep over here?

Listen, the British have had, we've had quite a longstanding love-hate relationship with the Australians. We're rivals in sport, of which, let's be honest, you guys are pretty good. But we've got a love affair with your soaps. We love your long-running soaps.

There's just something about, and your pop stars. And also Harry Kiel. Yeah, there you go. Manager of Crawley Town for a short time. And also a good basketball player and very humble man. So, shout out Harry Kiel. So there you go, yeah. So, Harry Kiel's done a lot of good for you in the uk i don't want to give you the wrong impression that's not the route but anyway

uh so i do listen i do think australians welcome is i'm about to say something hugely general here which could get me into trouble if you were if you were moving over to the to the to england and you wanted to get a warm reception, you wanted to make friends, it's fair to say that you'd be better off moving north rather than south, isn't it? Well, I mean, if I was from maybe Australia or Denmark or, I don't know, Russia or whatever, I'd look at Newcastle as a place to go. Yeah, I think, I don't know, man.

I know London's amazing, but in terms of making friends as a newcomer to the city, I don't know, man. I know London's amazing, but in terms of, like, making friends as a newcomer to the city, I don't know how that would go, man. I'd say that Newcastle is, Newcastle is the kindest place that you could go. I'd shout out Newcastle. Okay, okay. The things that you say, so Newcastle is the kindest, what are you about to say, the kindest place you can imagine?

No, it's, look, it's not a fairytale land, but there's an element of Newcastle when you go there, right? I think the people really, they care about their city. They care. Well, we've lost that in London. I'm a Londoner, but I don't think London has that same vibe of making sure the people are welcome, making sure. I think Liverpool has it.

I don't think Manchester, maybe Birmingham have it as much. I think Liverpool very proud of their city. I think they care about their city.

They care about what people think about it. Newcastle more than anywhere though. I think the Geordies are like, this is our city and we're proud. We'll roll out the

red carpet for people. We'll make sure that people, when they leave Newcastle go, you know what, I thoroughly enjoyed that. Yeah, they haven't got the weather of like, when they leave Newcastle, go, you know what, I thoroughly enjoyed that. Yeah, they haven't got the weather of, like,

you know, Mykonos or the, you know, the sweet fucking fresh fruit of the Algarve. But they have something ever more dear. And that is a kind of spirit that, you know,

that is resilient. Oh, God. It's just so lovely to hear you go off like that. 90% of what you said is bullshit. But it's just the way you deliver it is so beautiful. I love it.

Also, actually, Joe, if you didn't know, there's also a Newcastle in Australia, so you could go there and see what it's like as a test. There you go, Joe. There you go.

If you want an example of English arrogance, that is somebody English telling you something about your own country that they believe you don't know. I think it could be in New Zealand, actually. Oh, God. I can't be bothered to Google it. Look it up. You can't be bothered to Google it. I'm sure it is in Australia.

Let me just look. Look, we might be being unfair. Cornwall's quite friendly, isn't it? Cornwall, yeah. I mean, yeah. I just think Newcastle, yeah. Let me just look. Okay, you've got a big fucking hard-on for Newcastle today.

I don't know why. Is it because... Yes, Newcastle is. So it's in New South Wales. It's got some nice beaches. Oh, Knobby's Beach and Mereweather Beach. Oh, and there's actually a place called the Bogey Hole there. And Fort Scratchy.

So, yeah, it sounds like a really fun place to go. So let us know if you ever get over there. No, we're not recommending Ingoza, are we? No, no, no. I mean, this is pretty tenuous. He wants to move to the UK. So we said Newcastle might be nice. And then we said, why don't you try going to Newcastle in

Australia? Just so he gets, I don't know if it's the same. Maybe they, because I imagine the people who set up Newcastle in Australia for Newcastle in England and basically got there and said, oh, let's just, look, we've got a pretty amazing city back home, so let's try and make something similar

over it. I guess what we're asking, Jay Shah, I know this hasn't been helpful to you but if can somebody tell us if there is a bogey hole in the Newcastle in England we'd love to hear

about it. But listen Jay Shah good luck keep in touch lovely to hear from you. And let us know if you ever make it to these sweet shores.

Yeah please do because Tom will happily meet up with you. Imagine just quickly if Jay Shah moved to Newcastle and became the mayor of

Newcastle. Yeah. Are you pitching? Is this your second sitcom you're pitching? With Guy Pearce playing the mayor. Or Jason Donovan. Okay. Hello to the Wolf, Owl and Swan.

Let me start by saying I'm a massive fan of yours enjoyed your stand-up in person i love your shows i've loved every podcast episode of the podcast in amongst the humorous chat interesting stories and invaluable advice you often mention how you've died on your ass at plenty of gigs can you tell us listeners what it's actually like to die on your ass the emotions you go through i can see why the swan picked this out fucking arsehole the emotions you go through during that experience see why the swan picked this out. Fucking arsehole. The emotions you go through during that experience and how you deal with the mental struggles

that must result in. Everything I've seen and heard from you both has been stitches. So how do things end up going wrong? Of course, I'd love to have a pint with you, sweet, sweet cells, even though Tom thinks I'm a Wonderland human being before we've even met.

Oh, look at that. Got your card, Mark. Wow, yeah. Thanks, Ben. Yo, Ben. Tom. So dying on your ass is yeah it is

it's awful even I don't know every time we talk about it I just think about the worst deaths but I think

the fact is it's like anything isn't it it's the confidence you have in certain things you're going to say and do things not quite going to you know

like I think the thing that people don't see behind the scenes of something even like King Gary or you know R romesh when he's doing like stand-up or whatever is is the work that goes into like we don't do one draft of king gary and that's it we've written a script we'll probably do about anywhere between 15 and 25 drafts of something you know to fine tune stuff and it's always a change in work to make sure it it gets better and better and that was the same with everything you do so you're sort of constantly

changing i think like when a bit of advice said to me you kind of have to die you have you have to do stuff that you have to take risks that aren't going to work to find stuff that is you know it's the stuff that makes things different and makes things unique uh but yeah as to how it makes you feel it it is absolutely crushing it makes you feel alone it makes you feel pathetic it it makes you feel absolutely yeah but it was an interesting it's an interesting thing talking about this because i was when i was away i was i read read quite a lot and uh i was reading about i read quite a lot i And I was reading about, I read quite a lot, I played quite a lot of golf and I was reading

and listening to like Zen golf and how to apply the thoughts of Buddhism to not just your golf game, but your everyday life. And the fact that your embarrassment is always so wrapped up in your own mind, your own thoughts, that you could die on your ass. And the truth, you feel like everyone in the room is looking at you going, that guy's a fucking loser.

That guy's an absolute fucker. He's a terrible fucker. He's awful at what he fucking does. He shouldn't do this fucking thing. Actually, the truth of it, it doesn't really matter that much to them. They don't harbor that hate towards you. They don't have that fucking, you know,

the magnifying way that you arrogantly think that everyone in that room cares purposely. What they're probably doing is watching the next person who's just walked on stage and smashed it. And you're just a fucking, you know, you're not nothing, but just something that just occurred as a frack and flicker point in the day

that has been 24 hours or 18 hours but for you that's magnified and the truth is and yeah I could never say that I'm going to be able to take that bit of advice that I've just said and move forward with but I find that quite an interesting

way of looking at the world now I think there's two types of death on stage um one of the things that people don't realize about stand-up is sometimes you turn up to a gig and it tends to happen with corporate gigs more than any other but you turn up to a gig and the audience are miles away it's not the sound's a bit funny it's not lit properly and people sort of think you can do stand-up comedy in any sort of circumstances the truth is it's actually quite a fragile thing in order to

make stand-up work in a room um like people have to be seated close enough to the stage they all have to be in clear view of the stage the acoustics have to be good there's loads of different things and sometimes those things aren't in place and you can just die without it being your fault you you can so you know you can do more or less to try and save yourself but there's some gigs that are unplayable and it's it's fucking himalayan you know you know i i've done a load of gigs like that and you just have to sort of take it on the chin there's other gigs that you die at because you fucked up because you've done something wrong or it tend to happen to me really early on where i was playing the gig wrongly for the room um i wasn't reading the audience properly or whatever and and those you don't realize it at the time but actually those

are savable gigs but they're not savable for the amount for the level of skill that you've got at that time and then there's other types of gigs, which are the kind of ones I've talked to Tom about, where you're trying out new stuff and you're taking risks. And sometimes you just die on your ass and you have to, you have to, it's like going to the gym. It's like when I,

when I start out writing a new tour show, I'll go to a gig with a brand new 10 minutes and I could write a really, you know, you write this 10 minutes and you try that 10 minutes and I could write a really you know you write this 10 minutes and you try that 10 minutes and you've got a choice I've had it loads of times I've gone to a new material gig and I'm aware that I'm waffling a bit but it's just it's quite a long

it's quite a complicated phenomenon down your ass but I've been at a new material gig and I've got this stuff that I've just written that morning and the guy who's gone on before me is absolutely ripping it and you're sitting backstage and you think to yourself what do i do here i could either go out and do this new material and probably die or really struggle

because i don't really know it and i'm trying to still figuring it out or i can do stuff that i know is going to work and have a good gig here and it's always the wrong decision to do the stuff that you know is going to work you have to just go and take it on the chin because otherwise you're going to regret it i thought you know i i sometimes think to myself even when i've like had a really tough gig trying out new stuff i always think to myself well i've left lisa and the kids for the evening to come and do this gig what am i going to do with that time am i going to just like do the same stuff that i know works and and have a little ego stroke i'm actually going to try and push it and so it's always the right option to do that um do you know that i just thought as you're talking there the best bit of uh

best bit of advice i've ever been given let failure be your teacher not your undertaker I feel like I've heard you say that I feel like I've heard you say that before are you nodding because you know you've said that to me

no no no I don't think I've ever said I have that as I'm thinking of getting that tattooed I think it's very where would you have that uh

just on your nearly shaved ass crack real much just above my hip oh I'd like that. I think it'd be good. Yeah. But in answer to your question,

look, the truth is you just, you know, I've tried to science it, but you just die on your ass. You can just die on your ass. There's a number of different reasons. And in answer to your question, how does it feel? It feels horrible and awful

every single time it happens, and it doesn't get any easier, and it's rank. And if it does start to get easier, and you start to get all right with that, it's time to stop doing comedy. Wow. True say that.

No, true say that, baby. True say that. Okay, Tom. Okay. It's time for you to... I feel like I haven't heard one of these in a long, long time. Because I haven't done one.

I'm hoping I've still got some, I'm hoping there's gunpowders still. Some juice in the tank. I'm hoping, yeah, yeah. I'm hoping there's some leather for the road. Over to you. There was a small boy and his mummy was going to the shop

and she turns around to him and says, what do you want when I'm at the shop? And he says, just please please just get me a lion, a chocolate lion bar, please. And so his mum goes to the shops and he sits waiting for this lion bar, excited to unwrap it and take a bite. Anyway, his mum gets home and she says,

oh, there wasn't any lime bars at the shop today. So I just got you a boost. And he said, a boost? Oh, I don't want a boost. I don't like boosts. And she said, you've never tried a boost. And he says, no, no, no, it's not a lime bar. I don't want it.

I don't want it. So she puts the boost in a cupboard. Fast forward two, three weeks. His little friend, Amelia, is coming over. So she comes over and she's like, you know, they're playing in the garden, doing all sorts of, you know, messing around, whatever, slipping slides and, you know, it's quite a nice day. And Amelia goes, oh, I'm starving hungry. You know, have you got any snacks and uh the little boy's mom turns

around and says uh oh um there's a boost in the cupboard uh that um that taylor didn't want to have and uh so the little girl goes oh my god i love boosts they're my favorite bar in the world they're my favorite thing I love them so so much and my mum says oh you can have you can have it if you want Amelia so Amelia's like the mum starts to bring the boost and then Taylor sets forward and says no I want the boost

and he takes the chocolate bar and he eats it and it's delicious and he enjoys every bite and Amelia just stands there watching and goes home in the end because she's quite hungry and sort of basically her mum's got a cupboard full of boosts. The point of the story is try new things. Don't be confined by a Lion Bar when there is a world of other chocolate bars out there.

Open your eyes and your taste buds and your minds. Don't be forced into just believing there's only one chocolate bar for one human being. The world is rich. Enjoy its harvest. Wow. That's, yeah, really good one. Yeah, enjoy that one.

Yeah. I feel bad now because Taylor's one of, I've actually got a really good friend, really close friends of mine. I have a son called Taylor. He's a really sweet boy who's actually one of the nicest kids but

I don't know that you know I feel now that yeah Taylor's well you've needlessly brought him into a story that didn't need to yeah but I should chat

he actually is well he listens to this podcast so there's no reflection on the actual Taylor the kid does yeah he really enjoys this podcast he's not a kid

he's 14 oh okay so I should say that Taylor the character wasn't based on you. Big shout out, Taylor. Good luck in your new football career. And yeah, hope to see you soon, mate.

Cool. So yeah. Well, it's good to be able to do this for you while you're incapable of sending text messages or calling people directly. Okay. Tom, it's been an absolute pleasure. So guys, once again,

we're doing one of these a week for the next few weeks. We are still putting together live dates, so that's not gone away, but it's just for whatever reasons, work things and stuff like that, we've had to push it back a little bit, but it's still happening.

We will let you know as soon as it does. Take care of yourselves, guys. We love you very, very much. Remember, structure is peace, and peace is everything. Okay, great. Bye-bye. Bye, guys.

If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.