Wolf and Owl - Episode 38

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

We’re talking… writing a book, hedgehog-itis, beardlessness, eye tests, being a butterfly, awkward public interactions and podcast reviews. Plus, we answer more of your emails and come up with some ideas for a Wolf & Owl Lethal Weapon remake. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction.

Godzilla Kong The New Empire. Now playing only in theaters. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Promo code searching. It takes skill. Speed. Sweat.

Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at Kudo. Conditions apply.

Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal, probably. So when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you, reach for Kraft Dinner. Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's gotta be fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred

They'll grant you all last Requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler

Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill Never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all you hear is a

huff a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog wolf and our podcast up in the place yes oh have you ever ever felt like this you know what time is you know what time is guys yeah it could be any time of day because this podcast is live in your ears oh god um we should uh we should do we should try and come up with some jingles you know like when they're on breakfast radio shows or whatever. Do you know, I worry about that being like a vibe of that too. Like, cause I find the hardest bit of this is like any sort of performance is the opening bit.

Right. Sure. So I find that it's a really, really hard, hard thing of like, I mean, we've got a sick tune that opens this. Yeah. But then you have the sick tune that opens it and we should ride, we should be riding that wave. Yeah.

The podcast. What happens is, is well, we've be riding that wave yeah yeah the podcast what happens is is well we've sort of done the opening of the garage tune every time for yeah the garage night also for the last six mean you've just had like a 25 minute conversation that's not that's not ideal either really is it no i mean it's lovely to talk to you obviously yeah man you know i do look forward to when you are back on these sweet, sweet shores and we can converse. Because obviously you're on holiday at the moment and I don't want to be a big dippy G

that just keeps on fucking hassling you on holiday. Because I know the Swan is like, this is her time with you. I get you for the rest of the yeah 11 months yes i'm sure the swan uh is very much enjoying me being in another room as she reads another one of her books um how many books has she read i don't know actually she she she likes uh a bit of crime fiction oh really um you know like like The Neighbour's Dead. Oh, what, like domestic stuff or high-end? No, it's kind of like, you know, like, I don't know how you describe this type of fiction,

but, you know, like, I like it as well, by the way. She's got me into it as well. You know, like The Couple from Next Door, their kid's not been around for a while. What's going on? I always think that I've probably got a book like that in me. To write, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What an incredibly arrogant thing to say. No, I just think like, I think next time I go away, I'll try and write a book in a month or like two weeks. Yeah, yeah, that's even better. First time author, that's how to do it. No, no. There are other people that go, you know, I feel like I've got a book in me.

I could never imagine what it takes to sit down and write it. Whereas what you've done is you're willing to put aside a fortnight for it. No, but then obviously passing it on to someone like Lisa and then you to read and seeing if they've got notes. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something now. If you haven't got the fucking decency to spend more than two weeks on it, don't expect to be able to hand over your turgid piece of shit to me to sit through.

I just think it would be quite... I spent a couple of days parsing this through my colon. I'm going to have a look at it and tell me if it's publishable. I just think it would be a cool thing for you to phone me and go, I really enjoyed it, actually. I've read it on the train and on the commute that I've been doing. And no, I really enjoy it. I think it've read it on the train and on the commute that I've been doing. And, no, I really enjoy it. I think it's actually a real pace turner.

And I'll send it to you, like I say, a hard copy, so you can read it properly rather than on a Kindle. So it's a weird phenomenon here, because all this week you've been moaning about having to shave your beard off for this show. Yeah. And I sort of hoped that in shaving your beard off for the show yeah and i'd sort of hoped that in shaving your beard off we'd see a little bit of your sort of usual fucking cocky gloss kind of diminished but if anything i don't

know if this is some sort of i don't know if this is some sort of over compensation but you've gone in big time i think you know what it is is it's hedgehog artist it's hedgehog artist what's hedgehog artist what when's the hedgehog it's weak weakest hedgehogitis. What's hedgehogitis? When's a hedgehog at its weakest and when's it at its strongest? I've got no idea. And furthermore, I don't think you do either. But let's see your theory. No, a hedgehog is strongest when its thorns are out, right? Its thorns are out?

Its pricks are out or whatever, right? Yeah. And it's weakest when it's... Its pricks are never out. They're never not out, are they? No, they fell into a ball at times. Yeah. And they go in.

Yeah, but then it's all prick, isn't it? Actually yeah and they go in yeah but it's so it's then it's all prick isn't it actually no no but then it's a soft prick what it's a difference between a hard prick and a soft prick what are you talking about like they they can extend their um things and make them tough hard right so they're like little pins yeah or like it's like stroking hair and they're really okay is that definitely true yeah i'm pretty sure it is i've never stroked one but no i've seen hedgehogs around. Okay. Anyway, carry on.

So what's the point you're trying to make? At the moment, I think because my beard's not here, there's a fire within me to sort of combat and what I feel like not having a beard is, well, you've been here. I think when we first started the podcast, you did the shave thing as well. I tell you, man, it's...

It changes you, doesn't it? Yeah, completely. Yeah, yeah. I feel like a completely different man at the moment. But you are, but let me just tell you, sorry, I'm slightly distracted because I'm looking up hedgehogs at the moment. But I don't think you look that bad at all. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I think you look much worse than you normally do. Let me be honest. Yeah, no, I feel feel much worse though i look like a fucking thumb i've had to work i had to really accessorize also now i'm looking at thinking the glasses are almost they work with the beer but now they're too big for my face that's what oh shit but i had a btw i had an eye test this week my eyes have really deteriorated in the last two years have you had an eye test in two years no no you've not had an eye test in two years yeah i should that's about right actually i think i think it's every 24 i'm thinking of the dentist when you get to sort of

like our age now you should be going every year apparently every 12 months oh you're joking yeah mate yeah and and like the woman and by the way shout out to the woman she was amazing the vision express very caring very very lovely woman uh and uh she was yeah she was brilliant man she was like what's some weird small couple because i forgot i wanted to shout out her name did she tug you off while you're doing the bottom row no no i forgot i forgot her name and i feel really bad now okay all right but uh she right. But she was, yeah, she was incredible. And, you know, very like all the time, very sort of like, you know, conscious that, number one, I had to get to golf,

which was, yeah, I played the worst round of my life because... You didn't say that, did you? What? You didn't say that at the appointment that you've got to get to golf, did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. No, it's just like, how long do you think this will take?

And she was like like probably about 40 minutes i was like any chance we can do it in half an hour because i need to i've got my tea off time and she said any chance of you booking an appointment when you've actually got the free time to do it because just so you know i didn't enforce this on you did you say anything like that she did say what's more important your eyes or this game of golf and now retrospect i played so bad at golf because I was conscious, I had bright light shine in my eyes and I was conscious about it.

Did you have the little puff of air? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, but she was incredible. I've got to say. In what way was she incredible? Just very caring. I'm not denying that she's incredible. No, just very caring.

I need to find out how to shout her out. Just very caring, very knowledgeable about all eye stuff. We'd hope so. She's doing a fucking eye test eye test no but she showed me the backs of my eyes what does this mean then hold on let me just get my i'm just gonna google this well this isn't good this is not good oh no it's actually all right no no it's fine

no i was looking at something else oh thank god um no no you have got cataracts um we'll look at this together uh put your glasses on yeah um oh jesus i've not seen oof okay oh my god aren't the backs of eyes disgusting have you been wearing sunglasses every day in i've seen a couple of pictures that people have tagged me and thanks for that by the way um because there's nothing like one of you you know your best mate being a fucking portugal and enjoying his time and you tag me into it by saying and also let me just say by the way right i just want to say something to anyone on social media i think it's fair to say i will say at least some four or five times this podcast

and most weeks on social media how much I love Romesh, right? Tagging me into stuff and going, oh, we met Romesh. He's actually really nice despite what Tom says. I'm like,

I don't think I've ever said anything that negative about you. Yeah, I saw that message. I saw the message. Yeah, I thought that was just insane. But by the way, bro, you look drippy

in that picture, man. Thanks very much. Can I say something? I'd say, by the way, I think there's a fresh vibe to Holiday Rom. I just sort of like if i could be a butterfly and sit on someone's shoulder i think it would be on holiday rom's shoulder for like like two weeks three weeks talk me through if you could be a butterfly first of all to throw that away if i could be any flying

thing if you could be any flying thing you'd be a butterfly insane they've got they've got a lifespan of what 24 hours or something mate but what are 24 hours so that anyone be ever been disappointed to see a butterfly uh never no i'd be honest if you're a moth a fly a bee a wasp a pigeon any sort of bird right maybe with the exception of a red kite, right? If you're a fly, a wasp, a pigeon, any sort of bird, can you see the problem with that sentence? No, no, any sort of bird by meaning like I'm throwing all birds. Let me just break this down for you. You've got yourself a little bit confused, right? If you are, let's just say, if you see a moth,

you go, ugh, grotty old moth, like get out. And you open the window, you try and kill it, right? A bee you see a moth you go grotty old moth like get out and you know you open the window you try and kill it right a bee you feel sorry for and you're trying to protect which i always think is just curdling and a little bit muggy for a bee right because actually they're more powerful than we give them like any respect for wasps we're all scared of we hate we try and kill uh you know go up into hornets and stuff like that the same hornet you're not gonna fuck with a hornet you'll probably just let it out of your window, stroke garden doors, right?

Okay? If you're out in nature with any of those things, you're going to probably try and run, or there'll be at least five people out of 10 will shirk and be scared, right? Or one out of... Flies are disgust... What?

One out of every two people, yeah. Yeah, one out of two. Seven out of every four, too. Ten out of every two people. Yeah, one out of two. Seven out of every four, too. Ten out of ten, right? And then you've got flies. We've talked about flies until the cows come home here. We think they're disgusting. You're just going to try and kill a fly.

You don't want anything to do with the fly, right? Now I want you to just try and use your imagination for a second. If a butterfly was to fly into that room, you'd just go, oh, my God, a butterfly, and you'd smile for a second. If a butterfly was to fly into that room, you'd just go, oh my God, a butterfly. And you'd smile for a second. You might think of an ancestor who's passed or whatever, right? That butterfly brings so much joy. Yeah, it might only be here for 24 hours. But what a riot just flying around.

I mean, I don't know in 24 hours how far a butterfly, I think you could probably do three countries in a day, the speed they fly. I don't think that's what they do. But yes, I imagine you could probably do three countries in a day. I don't think that's what they do. But yes, I imagine you could do. No, right? So then you've got all of this happiness you're spreading. You're not carrying any

diseases. All you're carrying on your shoulders is a backpack of joy. And then you go up to heaven or hell. I'd imagine butterflies go too. I'm wondering what the hell a butterfly would have to do to go to hell, by the way. heaven I imagine butterflies go to I imagine what the hell a butterfly would have to do to go to hell by the way

I can't even imagine what activities a butterfly could turn itself to to make it have to go to hell depraved little fuck gripping up caterpillars and shit little nonce but then you go up and everyone's just, you know,

that is a joyous life that you've got there. Sure. So, yeah, if I could be, you know, a butterfly on your shoulder, I'd take that fucking ride right now. You know, have you ever been to one of those butterfly, like, dome places? Do you know what I'm talking about? Where you go into the little sort of sweaty. Yeah, I don't like it when they come and land on you.

But that's, you know what, that, right, okay. I need to take you it when they come and land on you. Mate, but that's... Do you know what? That... Right, okay. I need to take you to a butterfly enclosure and open your mind. Because that butterfly... Oh, my God. That's what it's called. What?

I can't... It's a butterfly enclosure, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I'm sitting there going, what am I... Eco dome or whatever the fuck. But that butterfly is literally looked around and gone, he needs me right now

and has gone and sat on you to bring you joy. I want you to, today, take your three sons, try and find some butterflies and then just, like,

enjoy being around them for a bit. I don't even know what it would look like to see you enjoying the company of butterflies in one of those places. I just think it would be

quite a sweet sign, right? You know, you take away their phones take away their ipads right so we're not going to yeah willie's water park or wherever you've been going right thank god you're not ever tasked with naming a water park right you take them out lisa can read a book or even lisa could come with you because i can imagine this one would love being in the company of butterflies. Right? Maybe try and find one in Portugal, a butterfly enclosure. Do you want me to find one and buy some tickets? No, thank you.

Well, first of all, the idea of me taking the family out on a day that you've organised. Out of all your boys, do you think any of them would dig the butterfly experience? I think they would. I mean, they're all into that kind of thing. Not into, that's an exaggeration, but they like that sort of stuff. But I don't like it when they land on you. I find it a bit, I don't know. Yeah, I get that with a hornet or a fly, but like a butterfly, just like, have you ever touched a butterfly with your fingers No, I haven't.

Have you? Yeah, I have. You'll find quite a brave butterfly. And if you really slowly move your hand, you can just stroke it just really ever so. Right. Yeah. It's what you're saying true.

Have you stroked a butterfly? Yeah. And do you like butterflies? Yeah, I like butterflies, man. Yeah. I do, too. I think they're very nice butterflies yeah I like butterflies man yeah I do too I think they're very nice but I don't

know if there is any I don't know what they're called butterfly shepherds or like

butterfly experts out there just yeah shout out to you guys thank you for all your hard work

if there's any yeah yeah big up big up yourselves any butterfly enthusiasts

we'd love to hear from you I wonder if that would be quite nice I think that would be a real diverse

crowd if we've got like a butterfly a Butterfly fan who listens to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. But I did see that message from that guy who said Romesh was nice despite what Tom says. Yeah. So, yeah. Quite bizarre.

I've never quite ever said anything like that. What was he like, the guy, when you met him? Do you want to know exactly what he said? Yeah, go on, mate. Yeah, I want to know exactly what he said? Yeah, go on, mate. He said, can I have a... It was at this mini golf place. Right. How were you playing, by the way?

Pardon? How were you playing? Do you know what? I was actually in pretty good form. I was in pretty good form. I was pretty pleased with myself, yeah. I sort of got into his... I came second.

Who won? Your favourite, Alex. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Got a steely way about him, Alex. Yeah, yeah. I came second who won? your favourite Alex oh good yeah yeah got a steely way about him Alex yeah so

we're walking out of the thing and he said can I have a photo taken can I have a photo please or whatever and I said yeah of course

and then he got his family there's always a thing with photos not always a thing but it happens a lot where they go come on let's get a photo taken with with romesh and everybody else is like why the fuck would i want to photo take with him right so there's a bit of awkwardness there

and then he goes and his little daughter his youngest daughter was there as well and he said come on get a photo with romesh and then he goes to me she's a big fan of the wolf in our podcast like as a joke and i went all right and then he goes yeah she loves listening to people talking about nothing but crap all the time oh wow and then i said to him listen i don't often say this to people in front of their children but you my friend are a **** and then it got really awkward you know what in all fairness it's probably quite nice for her to listen to us talking about crap while we're having to listen to your

**** jokes he was very nice and he listened to the podcast so he's almost certainly going to hear that little exchange with us there. So very nice to meet you, mate. Very nice to meet you. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you for rubbing it in my face that you're in Portugal and I'm not. Actually, on a basis of that, I had a rather creepy experience with someone who wanted a photo the other day. So I took a uh by the way this this is probably not going to come up now is it for a while you get people asking for their phone because you look you look completely different i look like a thumb uh at the moment so you look like you look like whatever place you whatever place you happen to find yourself in you'll be a tourist that's what that's what you look like yeah yeah yeah yeah uh yeah a

tourist who yeah who has no idea why he's there i i genuinely i look at this camera and i yeah i just feel very disappointed that you've been you've been very so all the way through this podcast you've been i would describe you as being on top four right you'd be very confident uh your butterfly stuff was exceptional and then i assume now that that's because you hadn't looked at yourself at all because just then as you were talking you looked at your own image yeah in the zoom and you almost shut down i mean you know what it was it's it's like a footballer taking a bad touch or like someone just holding a mirror out but yeah so i went bowling with friends of us uh kids like we were looking after um kids for a couple of days and uh we went bowling and

basically this guy who's staring at me for you know just literally this is post shave is it no this is pre-shave right so staring at us with these you know we've got his uh friends kids with us and he's just staring over and i'm like and he's drinking a pint and it's fucking 11 o'clock in the morning and you're like he's with his family anyway i'm like at some point you know this guy anyway so you got super you got super judgmental about something that in another context you'd have happily done yourself no but also i find it i don't mean you've got kids i haven't got kids but i find it very very very awkward when there's children in the mix. I will say this.

I think it's a very awkward scenario. Number one, like, yeah, they're not my kids, so you're straight away feeling quite protective over them. But, which you don't your own kids. No, absolutely not. When it's somebody else's kids, you care. But when it's your own kids. No, but then you've got to explain.

You've practically handed them over to strangers. But anyway, go on. You've got to explain to them why a man would walk over which he did and say can i have a photo with you right like having to explain to two young lads and go oh yeah this is what but also what was really strange is he comes over i'm playing on the arcade game with one of the kids and he said i don't mind watching the other boy and i'm like no he's fine yeah it was very creepy but then he he said oh can i get a picture and i was like um well i'm just with these guys at the moment if you wait for a second my wife will be back and i'll do a picture yeah just give us a second and he went i don't mind us all being in it it's just like no that's it's

that's a weird that's a weird state of affairs uh yeah let's hold off on that one. And then he said, actually, do you mind just stepping aside and I'll get a photo of the boy? I just found the whole thing very, very creepy, right? And then, so I had a bit of a chat. And as you know, I always have tried to get on with people. And I sort of was like, yeah, whatever. Do you want to join us for a drink or whatever? The kind of stuff you normally say when people approach you.

He brought me a pint. But then he was like, how are you playing? And then after that, that was it. He almost joined our party. He was constantly coming over. You know, it was everything. It took him everything he had not to start throwing balls within our game. And then I was like,

how do I just tell him that he's overstepped the mark? That this is now, like I should have shut it down a lot earlier. But I was trying to be decent. And then that was it then. He just kept on coming over.

And by then he had three or four pints. It was like midday. And then he brought over some chicken wings and started offering them around. Yeah. Very strange.

Do you feel like there's any argument that this problem might be slightly of your own creation? Yeah, I know. I should have just told him no to the picture. Well, just generally, the kind of vibe that you give on this podcast and sort of generally... He'd never heard the podcast. Anybody that comes up to you

is essentially like you treat them as a family member. No, but he, he'd never seen, heard the podcast. He'd never watched King Gary. Cause he told me, he told me quite explicitly,

explicitly, explicitly. Jesus Christ. Right. Do you catch it on the clips yourself there? You know, yeah. His favorite show that I've done was League of Their Own and Open All Hours.

Oh my God. That was his favorite two things that I'd done. Open All Hours, I'm in for like 45 seconds. And Liga, fair enough. But yeah, they were his favourite two things. Swan's in the building. Hello, Swan. Hello.

How you doing? How you doing, Lisa? I can't get both of you. Hello. How you doing, Lisa? What do you think of Tom? Oh, he's had his beard off. Yeah, what do you think?

I know. He looks younger. I know. I hate it. He looks younger, but horrible, right? off. Yeah, what do you think? I know. He looks younger. I know. I hate it. It's horrible. He looks younger, but horrible, right? No. How does he look horrible?

It's so weird. No, but he looks younger, but like a younger, uglier guy, right? No. No. Rob, stop trying to put words in our mouth, Rob. Do you prefer him with or without the beard? I like him both ways. He looks nice both ways.

Get out. Thanks, Lisa. God bless you. I prefer you with the beard, though. Oh, see? Yeah. Oh, man, that's actually really giving me the confidence. I felt a little bit, yeah.

Which is nice, is that when your wife gives a shit about the self-esteem of everyone except for you. Maybe we should get all your voices. Genuinely, though, you do look really nice. I was trying to get her to put the boat in, but you do look really nice. You do look... I need to put a little bit of fake tan on if i'm honest with you i look quite pale did you did you what what did it feel what's it feel like when you put your hand on your face it feels strange i did a whole video of me shaving it off as well

yeah they wanted me to do it for like the show what are you talking about oh what is it hold on what do you mean for the show so so it's like a show like so they can just sort of see the change of like shaving off and then we're going to do like all the makeup and stuff i look very different in this show it's like the message is for socials for the show yeah i think so yeah yeah yeah you're always very hot on that aren't you so that's the extra yeah i mean i'm very hot in that and obviously socials for this considering it mean you never put i've got a few people messaging me saying, why don't we ever put up a post? Oh, no.

I don't know. I like to think it's like a secret club, like Fight Club, this. It's word of mouth that does it. And it's not necessarily our mouth that the words are coming from. No. Oh, God. You know, it is bad, isn't it god you know a sort of it is bad isn't it the way we promote this podcast is bad yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know how other people do it

i don't even know how many people like listen to this thing no i don't know either i don't know what the numbers are i don't know people that do listen to it like occasionally i look at the reviews let's have a look see if we've got any we've had a couple we've had a couple of negative ones i can tell you that have we not recently but we do get negative ones yeah i try not to look too much into it i will shout out the positive people that that message me though i like that that get a kick out here we go let's have a look let's have a look at the last few reviews oh Oh, here we go. These are really nice. Go on.

Just found this podcast and love it. I've laughed out loud two relatable experiences. I listened to two very funny men. Isn't that nice? That's nice. But a few one-star reviews, though. Do you want me to find a negative one, read it out? Yeah, go on.

It's always good to feel shit about yourself, but also feel shit about the work that you're doing with your best mate. Yeah. Well, it's not a five stars, mate. I'm going to be honest with you. Just scrolling through. Positive, positive, positive, positive. Positive, positive, positive, positive, positive.

God, this looks really like a fucking absolute self-congratulatory exercise. Oh, here we go. I like it. Well, one star review and it says I like it. Oh, here we go. I like it. Well, one-star review, and it says I like it. No, it's five-star, that one. Do you know what, mate? I'm struggling to find something negative here. I'm sure we did have negative ones, though, didn't we?

Do you remember? Yeah, I think we probably did at some point. I think, you know what? It's like, let's focus on the positive vibes and the positive people out there. Oh, here we go. This is a negative one. Same podcast every time

is the title of this review. Two stars. You do you. I do unsubscribe. Let me know when the swan has her own podcast. Wow. So there you go.

Is it weird? Every podcast is the same every week. I've listened to Joe Rogan for years. It's not like all of a sudden Joe Rogan makes a sketch show on here. No, he talks about cooking some elk and what he's done for his muscle tone or whatever. Yeah, but every good podcast is the same thing every week.

Yeah, do you know what, though? I think it's because we don't really… We don't have any structure. We'd have to say it so damningly, but no, we don't have any structure. No, because all of our competitors have like and and shout out to some amazing podcasts but they have a structure and they have a theme we have none yeah and also the other thing i saw is that um our episodes like other people because they've got a theme they can call their episodes different things like the pie episode like we had the aliens episode didn't we but now when you look at like when you look at any of the listings for the podcast it'll be like um you see like off menu

talk to uh race ball and then it'll be like wolf and owl episode 35 like that's you know what could be good is going through them all and just like that could be a little thing for you to do on your holidays, going through and naming them all. No, but James does do a little description for them all. Yeah, which is great. But we don't have names. Maybe we should go through, that could be like your homework while you're out in Portugal.

Go through naming them. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like a good way to ruin the last few days. How many days have you got left out there? About three. Oh, my days. That last swim is always so emotional, isn't it, man? I know. We went to one of our favourite restaurants,

well, our favourite holiday restaurants for the last time last night. That's quite sad. I say it's quite sad, the kids don't appreciate the gravity of it because to them, life is an ever-extending, yawning eternity, isn't it? Whereas Lisa and I

look at each other and think we're never going to, you know, we're on the slump now, do you know what I mean? We're on the sort of decline. Next year, the eldest kid

probably won't want to come on holiday with us. You know, all of that. He's only like 12, isn't he? Yeah, but you know, he started to find me embarrassing. I told you. Oh no. Yeah, I know, all of that. He's only like 12, isn't he? Yeah, but, you know, he started to find me embarrassing. I told you this. Oh, no.

Yeah, I know, yeah. Yeah, but the thing about it is you've probably got three years of him being really embarrassed, and then he will just say, I'm not going to come with you. He's not going to find you any less embarrassing now until probably he's 25, 26. Mm. Mm.

Yeah, I'd imagine. Cool pep talk. Right, shall we do some... Shall we do some emails? No, charlie and alex are going to think you're really cool for a while still so yeah do you know what we did yesterday at dinner yeah this was desperately uncool yeah uh we we each i don't know why we got into this we took it in turn to do a little freestyle rap oh that's pretty cool. We did like an eight-mile style battle. No, Lisa

decided to opt out of it. Who was the best? If you're asking me, I think I was the best. But the kids would dispute that. You're against three kids. I mean, you sort of let out your kids who's the best. Yeah, but you're asking who was the best. You asked if Lisa took part.

So there you go. You've set up the expectation that Yeah, but you're asking who was the best. You asked if Lisa took part. So there you go. You've set up the expectation that adults are getting involved. Then you said, who was the best? Who was the best? I was the best. Yeah, but I actually think it was a bit showy off of you and a little bit blasé of you to be, I was the best, I was the coolest.

You said who was the best. No, but it's like the way you said it was so sort of like, you know, the listeners wouldn't have seen, but you laid back like you're a cartoon bunny. And you're like so slick about it. You're like, yeah, that was the best, baby. That's the best. It's incredible how you can, you sort of got this, this word,

but you just, we know what actually happened because it happened 15 seconds ago. Because you say it like that people have heard everything will still believe that's what happened it's incredible it's trump-esque i'm gonna say to you now i i don't think i've ever been worse on this podcast than today mate let me tell you you definitely have right here we go you've been great today. I haven't. I feel like I'm in such holiday. Mate, enjoy it.

Look, I'm going to shout out and I want everyone to send pictures of themselves on holidays to Rom. Please do not do that. Just to cheer him up. Mate, holiday Rom is so fucking cool and slick. I like holiday Rom. It's fucking a chilled vibe, yo.

For just £4.99, you can get a Subway 6-inch Black Forest ham sub made with our new fresh-sliced deli. But the fresh slicing doesn't stop at beautiful Black Forest ham. We're talking tantalizing turkey, perfectly piled pepperoni, sensationally sliced salami, so you can lunch legendary, dinner deliciously, breakfast brilliantly. We're talking friggin' fresh slicing and I'm yelling yes way. Get a six-inch black forest ham for only $4.99. Only at Subway.

Price and participation may vary. Extras, taxes, and delivery additional. Expires April 8th. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late,

do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca Order up for Rebelsis. Let's have a little look at some emails.

Hello, the swan, the wolf and the wise old owl. It goes without saying. Oh, mate, that is my favourite opening to an email since we've been doing the wise old owl. Oh, jeez. Jeez Louise. It goes without saying, loving your work to the max. Let's get the bit over and done with to begin with.

On to my question, though. Shocked and extremely saddened by the news of Sean Locke's death. I was wondering if you had any stories about him. He was my absolutely favourite comedian. If I'm allowed to say that to a comedian without being offensive. Obviously, this isn't a diss. I just love the man. I'm not ashamed to say I had a comedian without being offensive. Obviously, this isn't a diss. I just love the man. I'm not ashamed to say I had a little cry when I heard of his passing.

To date, he's been the only person to make me laugh so much I've cried and wet myself. Who makes you cry and piss yourself with laughter? Did Sean ever do it for you? Peace, the turtle. Yeah, I mean, it was, yeah. I think it's such sad news. So it's like, yeah.

I think Sean, you know, i knew him of like i sort of i was a massive fan of him i think the thing that was incredible with sean was that um he was uh you know sort of as a working class comedian he came from sort of like our world he he's his ability to sort of like you know tell stories and step out into sort of stuff that was a bit more surreal. I think, yeah, he was just a phenomenal comedian. And, like, I remember when Murder Unsuccessful, the first series had come out and seeing him in Shepherd's Bush and bumping into him and him being a fan of the show and just taking that time, it meant a lot.

And, yeah, no, he was, I think uh a very inspiring person yeah for me anyway i think like sort of when it went whenever i'd gig with him and sort of it sort of made me sort of want to step out of sort of trying to be like a sort of giza comedian or whatever i think he was just he was a phenomenal talent and and will be sort of very very sadly missed and uh yeah It's a sad day for our industry. I remember him, I think someone else talked about this, but I remember seeing him at a benefit at the O2 and him coming out.

Everyone else was playing it like it was the O2 and he played it like it was up the creek. It was just amazing, just how chilled he was just coming out into this fucking massive arena. I think, yeah, he was a very special person. I think within our industry as well,

he was sort of almost like the godfather of it in a sense. So, yeah, it's a sad, sad, sad day. Yeah, it was. I mean, look, I always get slightly nervous about saying something that's been said loads and loads and loads, but he was like almost every comedian's favourite comedian. I mean, like when you, as a comic watching panel shows, you know, nobody really did it like Sean did.

You know, it was amazing. And I think the thing that made everyone love Sean so much is, first of all, it was completely unexpected what he'd come out with. You know, you just wouldn't know where he'd go. But also, it just never looked like he was trying very hard. And that's always like, it's always a really endearing thing if you watch, you know, like Tom was talking about him doing the O2. He looked like he would just come out and everybody else was getting hyped up

and stuff, and he'd just come out and do it, and it was like he didn't care. And that is an amazing thing. he would just come out and everybody else is getting hyped up and stuff. And he'd just come out and do it. And it was like, he didn't care. And, and that is an amazing thing. And, and he never really looked like he was grabbing for laughs. He would come out and, you know, I'd say I saw Sean do gigs that were tough and he would always back himself to get the audience on side.

So even if a gig had been really quite up to the point before he went on, he would just win an audience over. He was brilliant. And, um, yeah, it was, it would just win an audience over. He was brilliant. And, um, yeah, it was, it was,

uh, it was really sad. Yeah. So, yeah, um, I think this one included that just because the turtle has talked about how Sean was their favorite comic and she wanted us to,

yeah, just sort of read that. Yeah. In case we get too cocky doing the podcast or whatever, we should, we should find an email. Somebody talks about who their favorite email compiler is and read that out. Okay.

Next up, hello to the wolf, the owl and the swan. First of all, I'd like to thank the three of you for such a stellar podcast. Ginny, I appreciate the effort you put into making these for all of us. A few years ago, I drove to my parents in Northwell from London on Christmas Eve to enjoy the holiday with my family because of the time of year the heavy snow and my partner at the time's inability to be ready on time the drive took just over eight hours we arrived at my parents place just after 1am we were tired cold visibly frustrated

and not at all in the christmas spirit after taking one look at us my parents very kindly insisted we take their bed for the evening and that they would sleep on the pull-out bed downstairs after a lot back and forth we finally agreed after a warm shower climbed into their bed for a good night's sleep as i rearranged the pillows trying to get comfortable i felt something under one of them i retrieved my hand only to find that i was holding what looked like to be my father's cock ring after scrubbing my hands with every type of disinfectant i could find i carefully put it back under the pillow and for the remainder of the night slept on the cold hard floor i could look i couldn't look either parent in the eye the next morning my question to you is this have either of you found yourselves in an equally embarrassing situation with a close family member

and what was the outcome um can i think i've ever been in a situation where i've found my anyone's i think i found your dad's cock ring once but never mind same thing um i've got i've got a couple of naive questions to ask tom yeah is that okay yeah hit me what is a cock ring for? I know it's for your cock, but what is the purpose of it? I actually genuinely am with you. I think,

I don't quite know, I think it makes your penis not go flaccid. I think once the blood's in your penis, it stays in there. It sort of traps it there. Yeah, I think so. I'm just going to look this up on my phone. Yeah, have a look, have a look.

Hold on a second. Okay, let me just go to private, just in case one of the kids gets my phone. And what should I Google? What is... What does a cock ring do? What does a cock ring do? What does a cock ring do?

Hello, Charlie. No, I'm just joking. What does a cock ring do what does a cock ring do hello charlie uh no mistake what does a cock ring do okay a penis ring fits around the base of the penis of the penis and testicles and testicles so hold on it's a big old ring oh no sorry all the penis all the penis well for you maybe a penis ring fits around the base of the penis or the penis and testicles and applies pressure to the surrounding area. It will trap the blood in the penis for longer and increases the total amount of blood in the penis for a stronger erection. It's interesting, isn't it?

How you sort of pretended to not know, but what's clear is you gave a textbook definition of what the cock ring was for. No, but that's also, I know genitalia, not my genitalia. So it doesn't really.

Yeah. It's like me when it was, when we were talking about butterflies, I have an instinctive knowledge of stuff uh does that sound like something you dabble in i don't think i'd ever get a cock ringer from it sounds like a sort of like a bit of a fad a bit of a sort of fussy sort of thing i remember when we were kids uh i had a friend, thou shall not name him, I was just about to. But he used to know where his dad's pornos were. He used to sort of like get them out when we used to go around his house.

Yeah, but everyone had a mate like that, didn't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also remember his mum used to sunbathe like naked in the summer, which was always quite weird. His mum used to sunbathe naked in the back garden? Yeah which was always quite weird his mom used to sunbathe naked in the back yeah like when we'd all go around there like we'd sort of like be 14 14 and she sort of yeah yeah he definitely definitely didn't masturbate about that he didn't see his mom um so yeah it was quite a strange strange lad but yeah that's probably the only thing like that i think can i just uh i um i haven't ever used a cock ring and i feel sort of embarrassed that i

didn't know what it was for now but um i do want to just it just has reminded me of something that happened the other day with the swan that i do want to that i do want to sort of talk about so we were we're having a chat we were talking about people splitting up and get and and remarrying and whatever yeah getting in your relationships and i said to lisa i i don't think if if i said so if i i don't think if you and i split up i can't imagine getting in another relationship because i just can't be arsed now you know like i just sort of that's that's what you're going to say something else at the end of that but yeah you couldn't imagine living without Lisa or something really sweet but

you can't be bothered no but what I mean is if we got to a situation where we just for whatever reason we fell out of love or we just decided it's better to live apart I can't be bothered to set up with someone else is what I said to her and she almost instinctively went,

what, not even for like casual sex or something? Like that. And the way she said it, I'm saying, honestly, mate, she said it so quickly and with such gusto, it made me almost think she's having casual sex with someone currently. Let me say, by the way,

just because I've just clocked it the you have got quite a sexy sort of vibe because you've got like a tom cruise v-neck top on at the moment no no do you know what do you know what this is this is like it's not supposed to be a v-neck it's just where like i'll fuck the color on it i would never wear i would never wear a v-neck i mean there's nothing there's nothing wrong with a v-neck if that's my guy's fucking gone away for a month and fucking busting a scoot neck this is what look at that shit oh man look at this just just put it down right in the right place and captain holiday in a v-neck um yeah

but uh i mean that's an embarrassing thing to find isn't it also i'd show you like look you know shout out your parents for for experiment in and fucking keeping that shit real but um but you think that if you're going to offer your bed you just whiz up and just go actually i've just better check that the cock rings not under i i under. I can't imagine a situation. Okay, I'm trying to think of a situation. Because if you keep a cock ring under your pillow, first of all. Also, why would you keep it under your fucking pillow? Don't you have a bedside table?

It goes on your dick, man. Why would you put it somewhere that you rest your face? Genuinely, right? Are you that lazy that when you're taking your cock ring off right you're just putting it under your pillow if i did have a cock ring and i finished utilizing it with the swan and i just went i said to her right there you go back under the pillow it goes i think i honestly think she'd call me out mate of course you it's the scuff like you go and wash it under hot water right give it a little dry and then put it back in a drawer.

Yeah. Yeah. But do you know what? Maybe, so you're, okay, so say it goes in a drawer, right? Yeah. What if, you know, because putting on a cock ring is like, you know, there's an extra level. There's a bit of extra sort of ceremony to it.

It's like, you know, when you get a condom. Yeah. It's the bit where you go, right, I've got to put the, you know, there's a bit of awkwardness and admin, isn't there, in when you get a condom yeah you get it's the bit where you go right i've got to put the you know there's a there's a bit of awkwardness and admin isn't there and sort of getting the condom the worst thing in the world they're so unsexy yeah exactly so you try occasionally you try and you try and make a game of it or try and or try and sort of incorporate it into the sexy time but it never really works there, does it? No, no, no. There's always a bit of

fladdling about where you fucking realise you put it on the wrong way. If condoms had a Christian name, it would be Ian or Neil. Yeah, absolutely. Um, hello. I know that you didn't

necessarily want me here, but I am necessary for the party to continue. Some parties are having a really good time. Is there any way in the world that I can get involved?

Now, just so you know, it's not enough that I'm present. I do have to be utilised properly in order to have full efficacy. But cockering isn't

into that. Unless, you know. No, but what I'm saying is an extra bit of admin. You know, you're about to go and have sex, okay?

You're about to have sex. It's difficult enough to get yourself into that situation where you're having sex right to then go i think it's cock ring time and then you know maybe if you then lean over to a drawer and open a drawer you know your other half's going what you doing i was just gonna go get my whereas if it's under the pillow it's just straight... I think that a cock...

Right, a condom is necessary like an umbrella or waterproof when it's raining, right? There's a reason to have the condom. A cock ring is like if you are... Oh, yeah, a cock ring would be... It's like getting a boat because it's raining. It's a big fucking dramatic thing to throw into the mix anyway. So there's got to be some sort of ceremony around it.

I get what you're saying noah loved a cock ring so if you don't reach him for i think if you're going to get it out of the drawer you're like you know i better get you know the cock ring out do you know what i mean like when i'm saying the drawer i don't think he's he's got it in his office and he has to slip out and i think what i'm saying is if you yeah but sure but then you've got to sort of lean over and open the drawer and get the cock ring out. It's sort of, you're suggesting it's then cock ring time.

Whereas if it's under the pillow, you can just sort of slip it on, can't you? It's less, what I'm saying is there's less of a, there's less admin. You know?

Because the other thing is, if you've got a cock ring under your pillow and you've forgotten it's under there, that suggests, well, it suggests a number of unsanitary things. You haven't used it for a long time, so you've forgotten it's there there that suggests well it's just a number of unsanitary things you haven't used it for a long time so you've forgotten it's there yeah but that

means you haven't changed your fucking bed sheet for ages exactly there's i mean there's a lot going on here to unpick and also in the thing he says i had to get rid of some of the pillows and cushions which insinuate there's a lot of pillows and cushions right a lot of debris on the bed yeah so you'd have to sort of like that means that there's a lot of those cushions are getting moved around quite a lot of the time sure cushion people are very and pillow people there's a lot of shifting about pillows it's not like they you know so there's a bit of ceremony isn't that they're right yeah when you get a bed you've got to take them off and whatever i mean i i think what i'm getting from this i might need to try a cock ring

maybe i'll buy you one for your next birthday. Do you reckon they do, like, they must do, like, novelty ones. Like, you must be able to get a Back to the Future one. Or a Batman one. You could get a superhero one. Looks like the ring from the Flux Capacitor. Speaking of Captain America,

have you seen the new Spider-Man trailer that came out this morning? Nope. Is it good? Do you know what? The way you said no, I was going to get into a little bit of a discussion, but you love doing this superior thing where... I think it's cute that you're on holiday.

Here we go, sad bastard looking. No, I think it's cute. It's cute that you've done that on your birthday. No. No, it just appeared on my phone. More like you've got up this morning and gone charlie alex theo everyone downstairs you know i did gather the kids around when a trailer like that comes around do you really yeah it's pathetic isn't it where's mommy just cleaning dad's denny's cock ring. Out there with a fucking Karcher spray.

Yeah, just spraying down the cock ring that's shaped like Thanos' glove. Shaped like some old web from Spider-Man. Oh, it's really difficult getting this grime off from behind this infinity stone. stone let's take it to a jewelers to get it rubbed off um uh anyway it's yes it's exciting i get do you

get excited by trailers any kind of trailers yeah i do yeah yeah i do like the new sopranos one was good. You know what? I've never watched the whole films, but I always watch the Marvel trailers because I think you pretty much know what's going on in the film

when you just watch the trailer. Yeah. I mean, I am going to say something quite controversial now. Go on. Maybe there are too many Marvel films coming out. It feels like every fucking two months is another trailer i can't fucking keep up with this it's actually becoming a major part of my expenditure now staying across this shit yeah but then you've got that you've got the new one about snake eyes is it

what that's the gi joe thing yeah the origin story that's a film that nobody fucking wants isn't it i think you've well you've, the Black Widow one that's come out. Yeah, there's quite a few of them, isn't there? Snake Eyes, fun fact, my nickname at uni. Really? Yeah, not for good reasons. Oh, because you were quite pervy? Yeah, that's right.

No, just because of my lazy eye. Oh, really? Yeah, somebody started calling me Snake Eyes, and then it sort of stuck. Oh, that's not cool. I think it would be better if it had been because you're sort of quite pervy. Snakes are quite sort of like... That's a bad nickname, man. All right, well's not cool. I think it would be better if it had been because you're quite perfect. Snakes are quite sort of like... That's a bad nickname, man.

All right. Thank you. Sadly, it stuck the whole way through uni. Shout out to that crew. Anyway, listen. Have we got any... Does this guy... Oh, he wasn't really after advice, this bloke.

He just wanted to know if he'd had any embarrassing experiences. Oh, I can tell you one. i can tell you one i can tell you one go on go on so uh i uh i moved back in with my parents when i was uh just for a little bit while i was getting settled and uh i i brought a load of stuff back and one of the um i can't remember why i got these and this sounds a bit I'm fully aware this sounds a bit dodgy, even as I'm telling the story. But for a joke, I think, or it might have been a secret scent or something, somebody got me a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs.

Right. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West.

Tickets at CirqueDuSoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and MasterCard. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's Classic Breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m.

Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built-in, so you can change the music. Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See?

Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. That's a strange thing to get like a guy in his 30s. dot to you. That's a strange thing to get like a guy in his thirties.

I think, I don't know what, I can't remember the context, which makes this sound dodgy. I can't remember the context of me getting these, these handcuffs. Anyway. Did you steal them for like a stag do type thing?

Maybe. I just, honestly, I can't remember. Anyway, whatever. So I just thrown them like under the, like there's like on the bed that my mom and dad says there's like a little storage space under the bed and i just threw

him in there or whatever when i like took my stuff around there anyway my brother a few weeks later came to speak to me and he said uh mom asked to have a chat with me and i said mum asked to have a chat with me and I said I said why and he said she thinks you're into some kinky shit and I said it's such yeah it's a generational thing that that

it is it is feels big for us that feels very twee and very like even when that is it is like that like big so basically that feels very twee and very like even when you said it i just thought like yeah you've been to like a sort of like a bit of a mess yeah you've either like because you've even been to a weird hen do or like a weird stag do yeah it's just something stupid like that so you just don't think anything of it anyway apparently my mum found these handcuffs and just started freaking out that I was some sort of sexual deviant. And so like...

The ripper. And so I took my brother aside to discuss an intervention or something where they were going to chat to me about my sadomasochist tendencies and stuff like that. Even if I did have sadomasochist tendencies, that'd still be all right. But it just opened up this door to my mum that her son was like a sex freak. Have you ever spoken to her about it? Yeah. My brother brought it up in front of her

the next time. That's good. She found it really difficult to chat to her about. Let me make this a subject of ridicule for my mother anyway but she was like really as soon as like my brother like told her like you got nothing to worry about she was totally fine but he said that she was really like she was freaking like really like worried when she found his handcuffs just like what is my son into also who's he gonna be bringing home what is my son into also who is he

going to be bringing home yeah is he also into that yeah i guess so yeah so he's moved back in he's brought his handcuffs back because he's planning on one of his nasty sex parties or he just puts him in his pocket and goes out for the evening put him on the belt loop because you never know i just think they're so like it just sort of froze my mind and sort of like you know yeah when you sort of like you're in Yates's wine lodge and someone's got like those on and it's just everyone's try trying to have a great time I just think they're so sort of such a

naffness around them that that you know that enforced fun yeah yeah it's just the worst yeah and then not everyone's got fucking straws in the shapes of cocks and whatever it's just sort of all a bit like I don't know maybe I'm getting old I think maybe I'm getting old. I think we're both getting old.

Oh, by the way, speaking of getting old, do you want to hear something absolutely fucking depressing? Go on. Lethal Weapon. Yeah. You like that film? Great film. Amazing film.

Yeah. Myrtle. Yeah. You know he keeps going, I'm getting too old for this shit. I'm too old for this shit. Do you know how old he was when he said that 56

42 what it was 42 you know actually if we were going to remake a film yeah that's what we should do

if we were going to make an absolutely dreadful remake of Left 4 Weapon how does that even work I'd be obviously I'd be Griggs and you'd be Murtaugh

yeah I get that based purely on color there's absolutely there's based on personality more than anything else mate like fucking don't even think about you're sorry you're gonna be what the young crazy cop that people can't figure yes the cool one and then you're like you know they're sort of more whimsical like fucking one who's like not shot anyone for a while but used to be a good dead eye i'm getting too old for this and then you go you're six months older than me which is one of the best jokes of the whole film it's a better film you know actually if there's only six months difference and one of them can't

grow up tom riggs is like doing all sorts of crazy stunts and oh have you said that we've seen action team we know you've got you know what? Just chatting it out now. If there's any film backers out there who want to get involved, obviously. If there's anybody that's willing to, would rather do this

than set fire to $7 million. No, you don't need $7 million. I can make the whole thing for $3 million. Okay. If your fee comes down. If your fee comes down. If anybody's got $3 million

and they want to make the Lethal Weapon remake with me and Tom Davis. We'd love to hear from you. I can just see it now. Like you sort of like. So it'd be based in Britain, I take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd have to get you an old grey suit.

I've got most of the Griggs costume. Yeah. Why do you keep calling him Griggs? Riggs, isn't it? Griggs. Riggs. Riggs. I used to have a teacher Called Mrs. Griggs

Did you She was nothing like The guy from the film She was a home education She looked more like Splinter from So your teacher That hasn't got the same name

As Riggs Was nothing like Riggs From the film Lethal Weapon I would have loved him As a teacher But I have got A pair of Chelsea boots

And a pair of Quite tight jeans And a leather jacket So I've got my own costume Do you reckon that film Holds up now I'd actually like to go back and watch it again yeah i'm pretty bored now watch it and then like see if there's anyone out there wants to just re sort of like rewrite it for like an english sort of two guys who aren't that far apart yeah

and we work in croydon or something yeah or crawley then we can shoot there to your house so i can stay at your house while we're filming it's a good idea there's more cost cost saving measures there you go yeah lisa could do the catering yeah there you go guys listen this is so I can stay at your house while we're filming. That's a good idea. There's more cost-saving measures. There you go, yeah. Lisa could do the catering. Yeah, there you go. Guys, listen, this is sounding more and more viable. Please do get in touch.

Okay. Should we do one more? Let's do one more, my G. Hello, Wolf, Owl and Swan. Just listen to the latest episode where you discuss snacks. I was prompted to email in when Tom mentioned the criminally underrated chocolate bar Drifter. Drifters. Shout out Drif drifter when I was at uni the closest corner shop to me

didn't stock drifters I spoke to the shop owner about this travesty and he said that not enough people buy them so he stopped getting them

I explained I was living up the road for the year and buy all that he stocked he agreed to get a box and I bought three drifters a day for every day

I lived there on my life this person is an incredible like this they've blown me away. I just love that they've got a cause and they've stuck to it.

Fucking legend. Yeah, absolute legend. And just to give you some context, Tom only says that three or four times an episode. Looking back, I probably should have just ordered a box online for myself

for considerably less outlay. But I was a creature of habit and was addicted to drifters at the time. What I discovered was that if you bit off each end of a drifter, you could drink through it like a straw, similar to what can be achieved with a Kit Kat or a Breakaway.

Tom's got an immediate erection there, just so you know. I could tell that straight away. No, no, no, I've done it so many times. So what I started doing was combining the best snack with the best beverage and drinking banana Nesquik through a drifter bar. I haven't done that yet. The Nesquik would get that injection of sweetness by being pulled through the drifter. You two have got to fucking hang out, man.

The Nesquik would get that injection of sweetness by being pulled through the drifter, and the drifter would burst with cold refreshing milkshake when bitten into it's unreal this person's not writing for fucking nestle or cabri this person should be an advert writer actually maybe their writing skills should come on the lethal weapon remake the drifter would burst with cold refreshing milkshake to me sort of evokes a boil being kind of last oh come on it sounds delicious and delicate even you know that's our fucking word it came out of my mouth yeah i just got so excited

my question to you is you have any quirky ways of eating things like this that you claim to have invented so so first of all let us get your food food i've never done this drifter thing and nor can i now because i don't think there are vegan drifters around so talk me through this time well i can tell you now i'm gonna go and get a drifter i'm gonna get some banana milkshake i'm gonna smash that i don't think can you even buy drifters now i haven't seen them for ages yeah of course you can yeah so i'm to get a drifter. I'm going to get some banana milk shake. I'm going to try this.

Look, what's this person's name? This person's name is Chris. Chris. Chris Lavey. Chris what? Lavey. Chris Lavey. Shout out Chris Lavey, man. Look, I don't want to show off.

The thing I'm probably, one of the things I'm known for most is inventing what sits in tomato soup. That was my invention a few years ago called them croid and croutons uh actually went on the katherine ryan podcast talked about it before me and roma shadow podcast um shout out katherine ryan someone who loves crisps and is a big fan of the snack genre um and actually also want to shout out bobby he's become a very dear friend um so uh give some context? Bobby's Catherine's husband.

Yeah, Bobby's Catherine's husband. And a legend and one hell of a golf player. So, shout-out, Bobby. But also, Bobby, just so you know, Tom's also called a legend, Chris, because he uses a drifter as a straw. So, I just want to make sure people know the true meaning of these compliments you've thrown out. I'd say Bobby was an epic legend.

Anyway, and sometimes I while the day away just me and Bobby messaging each other and chuckling. So yeah, shout out Bobby. Inventing a new snack, something that has become a cultural phenomena with what sits in tomato soup is one of my proudest things. with Watsits and tomato soup is one of my proudest things. And I implore everyone from, you know, man to woman to child to elderly person to, you know, across every diverse background that you can think of, go now, as you listen to this, go to your local shop, to your local supermarket, buy a can of tomato soup. It must be Heinz.

Buy some Watsits. The small ones are better because they have more of an impactful cheese flavor go home put the tomato sauce soup in the microwave for three and a half minutes don't put the watch it's in give the watch it's time to soak in the tomato goodness and then just enjoy and when you're eating that one used to think of me and romesh just as the steam flows up just sat across the table from you both just smiling just saying you deserve this because you're a good fucking person when did you discover this uh i'm sort of asking this question because i'm interested also because i want to bring your monologue to an end as quickly as possible but

what um when did you first discover this uh many many moons ago um a long time ago um it was when i wasn't as yeah i wasn't in this business i was scratching around for money and i used to always think like what what are two of my favorite things to put together it was look it was that i'm fucking i'm not gonna say it now someone had to try it and that person was me i i jumped into the ring with two of the greatest you know food things ever made in what sits and tomato sauce and put together i'm sure someone else would have done it i know that people have i tried it with quavers i'm not gonna lie right and what's it was the one and every day that i have that snack i

think me man you put this on planet Earth. Okay, cool. So I think it was probably about 15 years ago that I invented it. Chris, can I recommend to you the George Egg, the snack hacker, who does shit like this all the time? George Egg, by the way, is also a big fan of tomato soup with what's-its. Me and him have chatted it over. So shout out to George Egg. And one of the things that george egg does that um i like doing this is nowhere near as good as crawding cruise by the way

it's just including jalapenos into every single thing so like yeah he did this one video where he he opens up a cheese and onion slice stuffs it full of jalapenos and just chefs it up a little bit you know little things like that well worth a look check out what let me just say like uh jalapenos are a welcome handshake to any food food sources shout out to jalapenos and i don't i sometimes see you know what tom i want to back you up for that shout out to jalapenos they're amazing yeah i don't know if there's anything more i can say to that apart from yo jalapenos keep just doing you, yo. Yeah.

Jalapenos do you to the max. Wow, baby. Yeah. Okay. Tom, listen, um,

it's been a dreadful episode from my point of view. I think I've been absolutely fucking shocked. Mate, you've been incredible. You've been incredible. Next episode, I'm planning to sort of bring this back in some way. You know what? At the moment,

I'm contemplating fucking retiring from it. When you come back to this country, I want to do the next episode where I am going to go and get some massage oil. And I'm going to massage your body and your ego. And then we're going to fucking let this thing rip. Okay. Tom, can you... The way you said that, honestly,

if I had a cock ring, I would have put it on as you finished saying it. Tom, can you do me the honour of taking us out? It was a dewy Sunday, summer's eve, when Claire and Clarissa were driving home from what had been an amazing weekend at a friend's house. And they were listening to the radio and then no good songs were coming on and the person on the radio was annoying them a little bit and Clarissa said god you know what should we listen to and uh Claire said I you know let me put some tunes on some

podcast tunes uh some some tunes on my iPhone so she um she puts it on, right? And the first song that comes on is Whitney Houston, How Will I Know? And they both start singing along. But within no time, both of them stop singing. And they sort of look at each other and Claire says to Clarissa, it's hard to sing along to Whitney because Whitney's so amazing and she hits the higher notes that we can't hit and Clarissa said yeah I know it sucks because you know I enjoy singing and her songs are so rhythmic and amazing and I love Whitney but yeah we just can't hit those high notes and they sort of sit there in silence for a little while and they drive past another family and they're sort of right singing and having a good time and Claire looks at Clarissa and says you know what the fact of the matter is

maybe sometimes it's not about us hitting the high notes it's about us enjoying the song it's about us enjoying what Whitney has laid out for us and although we're not as talented as her it doesn't mean we can't have as much fun in singing those songs and clarissa looks out the window as the sun droops its weary face across the uh motorway and uh red hue comes across and she says you know what that's true that's true of every everyone who's ever stepped on a Sunday League football pitch knowing that they'll never be as good as Lionel Messi or anyone who has made a toad in the hole knowing it won't be as good as Jamie Oliver.

Some people can do things to an exceptional level and some people just do things for the joy of doing things so don't always task yourself with being the best task yourself and enjoying the task at hand that's life was that who was that director that time i was just directed in general. Why? What do you think it was directed in? No, no, no. I just think, no, no, no. Do you know what? The truth of the matter is, I wasn't talking about Claire and Clarissa.

I was Claire or Clarissa this Sunday. I was driving home with my wife and I was singing along to it in Houston and Celine Dion. And I couldn't reach those high notes. And then I realized I was just enjoying singing I can't imagine Catherine sort of gave you any encouragement though that's the only thing that I'm sort of you know what what some of my happiest times are sitting alongside

Catherine in a car and just as both just letting rip and singing do you and Lisa do that uh very occasionally I wouldn't describe them as my happiest times I love it makes me happy the two of us singing as the motorway gets eaten up

and you know we might pull into a service okay let's not have a let's not have a remix now I just my message is clear enjoy life we won't always be here

yeah guys thank you so much for listening sorry about my performance on this episode My message is clear. Enjoy life. We won't always be here. Yeah. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Sorry about my performance on this episode. Take care. We'll see you soon. You've been amazing. I want everyone to send Romesh a picture or a video.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Love you guys. Take care. Bye-bye. Love and beans, yo. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all,

please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.