Wolf and Owl - Episode 43

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

We’re talking… toenails, unfortunate lookalikes, lipcare, ear specialists, the invention of plates, and the scourge of parsley and rocket. Then some email question advice on noisey neighbour sex, how to break a pet’s death to your child, the rights or wrongs of paying compliments and toxic ball syndrome. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really?

Yeah. He says it's a pill that... That's right. Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis! Yeah, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur?

Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder

Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the, to the Wolf and Owl. You're not going to believe this. Literally, as I start the podcast, the swan has walked in with four white-eyed finger buns for her husband, the owl. Oh, wow. What an incredible woman. Thank you.

White-eyed finger buns for breakfast. I know. Guys, just to shout out, we are recording this at five to nine on a monday morning like i love you to death rom well it turns out the swan loves me to death as well if you're trying to fucking bring it on quicker i know yeah you're like a christmas turkey he's asked me if i want to have them now or deep fry she wants me to deep fry them first are you are you gonna have them for breakfast no i'm fucking not having i've had a breakfast thank you what did you. I've had a breakfast. Thank you.

What did you have, boy? I had a strawberry... I've never known what you... What? Go on. What you have for breakfast. I've never known what you eat for breakfast most. No, don't do this, because people start accusing you of us not being friends again. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. Um, just wondering if you two actually know each other, if you're not sure what each other has for breakfast. Oi, I'm suspicious that Wolf and I aren't friends, because Tom doesn't know when Robert cuts his toenails. How often do you cut your toenails? I cut them yesterday. It was blissful, man.

This is pretty disgusting one, but it's not disgusting, but it's a bit embarrassing. There have been occasions where filming for League of Their Own, and I'm talking about a couple of occasions, not all the time. There have been occasions where filming for League of Their Own or Road Trip or about a couple of occasions not all the time there's been occasions we're filming for league of their own or road trip or whatever we've had to take our socks off and i've realized that i'm sort of taloning a bit

mate it's so bad it's so i this is weird that we're getting onto this because i've actually had a bit of trolling this week on the on my toenails i put a picture up of like saturday i was pretty unwell. I was fucking just clearing out this cold. I'm through it now. I feel better for it. Anyway, I'm watching the Ryder Cup with my dog. He's really into Team America even though he's German.

He managed to pack in a lot of really sad shit in quite a short time there. And I take a picture of him watching the Ryder Cup leaning on my leg right and my toe was in shot I've never had so much

abuse on Instagram Instagram's usually a very social fun place just people having to dig up my toe saying how disgusting my toe was

why? what was disgusting about your toe? some people say toes shouldn't look like that some people say you need to get

that fucking toe looked at it's made me sick yeah a lot of like is that a toe or a head? Some of them were quite funny. Don't get me wrong. And that's cool.

But it did make me really conscious about my toes. And also, genuinely, I looked at the picture. My toenail was, that's why I cut them yesterday. It was mega long. It was tallying in. It looked like if I was in prison, I could use it as a shank. It was that long. If you're flexible flexible enough that could be a little coke little coke shovel little imagine fucking how low your life would come when you're slipping coke off your fucking toe big disgusting that's like the absolute low point in someone's autobiography i knew i had to

make a change as i dipped my toe into the plastic bag and lifted it yoga style. I'd become flexible enough. I'd pushed myself. My flexibility was off the fucking chart. As I sniffed off my cheaters, I pulled off my sock. Not only was it useful for street vibe,

but it also enabled me to shovel coke from my foot straight into my snooter. Amongst my cocaine fuel peers i've become something of a legend the man who could like incorporate his body into a stone where i could sniff cocaine off my big toe i started becoming known in north london as toe shovel and that name stuck that's what a book's called this you know um the nail next to your big toe which i always feel a bit sorry for that's the one that i find quite a funny toenail to cut it's quite soft compared to the others is it yeah yeah have you asked anyone else before you declared this as a generalized observation

have you spoken to anyone else about your second toenail being a bit soft no no this is me and you no i know you're the only person i've ever talked to these sort of things about sure but i mean it's just the confidence with which you, based on your own experience of your one or two, sorry, because you've got two feet, haven't you still? Still, until the gout and the fucking diabetes really kicks in. I'll tell you, lifestyle catches up with her.

Yeah, yeah. You've delivered that as a general observation about everyone's toes. Well, when I've seen other people's toenails in the swimming pool and I've been up close to them, I've noticed that there is like, look. Some poor bastard doing a front crawl.

Fucking hell, I can feel, what's that behind me? It's just you trying to get a fucking glimpse of their toenails. Don't mind me, mate. Don't mind me. But when you're in the showers and you'll look down and you'll see sort of a toenail

and you'll go, oh, that one looks more, it doesn't have the density that some of the other toenails i don't i don't look at anything apart from myself when i'm in the gym showers let me just say that if they sold shower blinkers i'd fucking buy them right yeah but i i would you be more worried about someone seeing you than looking at other people i don't want to look at no i don't want to i i just don't what do you feel about other like like if you're in a world right and like so someone came to you knocked on your door

and went hi rom um i'm the shower king um i'm the shower king yeah right i'm the shower king right like i'm the king of showers and stuff no i get it i know what it's gone i can i can basically make it so in the showers like you can see everyone but no one can see you or you can't see anyone else but everyone can see you which one do you want okay um it's actually a very good question so either everyone can see me, but I can't see them. Or they can see me. So just to explain that, like in your eyes, even though there's other people in there, you can't see them. So it'd be like no one else.

But can I see everything else in the shower? Like I can make my way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can make my way to the shower. But as far as I'm concerned, all the other cubicles look empty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they'll probably be like, it's probably be like, if you got near them, there'd be like a buzzer or something to say,

but you wouldn't be able to see them or touch them. Okay. And then the other option is I can see them, but I'm completely invisible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I see them any more than I normally see them? No. I mean, basically, it's like they're invisible or they're there

you're invisible and they're not there or do you mean do you know what i'm saying no i mean what you said is the opposite of the thing but right either you're there yeah and they're not yeah or they're there and you're not i'd rather not be i'd rather not be there so you'd be invisible and but you'd have to look at all of that. Hold on. Now you've changed it. So what do you mean I have to look at them? Are you saying I have to examine them? Is that what you're saying? No.

I'm not saying you examine them, but you would be able to see them. Yeah, I'd be able to see them. You'd be able to see them. But then as soon as I go, I do that, you guys say you have to look at them and examine them closer and stare at them. You totally switched it up. No, because you turned around to me, right, so you have to look at them and examine them closer and stare at them. You totally switched it up. No, because you turned around to me, right, and you were like, oh, I don't look at anything. I pretend no one else is there.

I'm in my own little world. No, no. You're such a prick you are such a prick anyway god but then you you quickly rebuffed and you're like oh actually i'd much rather that they can't see me you'll get well't see this. He's doing all these camp flourishes with his hands and stuff as he's talking. No, yeah, listen, I'd rather not be seen. But the point I'm making is when I go into the shower, I wouldn't see anybody's toes or toenails because I don't look. It's literally, I go to the shower like it's my first day in prison.

Do you know what I mean mean like just fucking eyes down i try not to look but sometimes i'm more like you know i'll look towards the ground yeah so the the thing i see is usually the toenails yeah with feet yeah but in the next you're looking across there aren't you yeah but some i'm talking about shower old school look 90 of showers now have cubicles i don't know if that's a law or it's that's just something that's happened just like because of dignity or whatever but um in the old days when showers were more open like football showers and stuff there was no cubicles mate and you're in there i would say apart from my complete lack of ability and physicality and skill and any of that and mental sort of toughness or whatever apart from all that one of the main reasons i couldn't do sports is because of that kind of shower and bathroom

yeah when i used to play for a um football team uh a long time ago there used to be one guy who used to turn up he never used to play but he used to shower with everyone afterwards he used to basically just come for the shower oh my god do you know what i'm sort of sad about this i'm sad about the story but also quite pleased that you've learned enough to not give his full name no i'm not gonna use food but he used to basically turn up look after other people's things and like jumping it like just get a shower after everyone okay all right and he never stole anything to his credit yeah to his credit yeah do you cut your toenails after the shower yesterday i didn't i went in dry because it's much easier isn't it like infinitely easier yeah yeah do your my shit toenails i was looking at them yesterday i had a bit of a yellow twinge to them tw Twinge? Like a yellow sort of like, not yellow yellow,

but like, I'm like, oh, they don't look as see-through as they should do, you know? Yeah. Tinge. Yeah, like a, yeah, yeah, tinge. And also like a CPF sort of film on them, you know? Yeah. I've had that in the past.

I haven't had that so much recently. I don't know why it, let me just look this up. I don't know. Why? It would be nice actually if there's anyone out there who does pedicures to get in touch, like a really nice pedicure. Yeah, why do toenails sometimes go yellow?

It'd be nice to sort of think, like if there's anyone out there who, get in touch if there's any foot doctors, me and Romesh could come as a sort of like little off an hour sort of like field trip. Tom, Tom, Tom. Oh my God, I do not like it when you say that. For now, it's like a field trip. Tom, Tom. What, what? Tom, Tom. Oh, my God. I do not like it when you say that.

Oh, God. What? What? When toenails turn yellow, is it yellow? Yellow-ish. It's got a yellow tinge to it, yeah. Okay. They're not bright yellow.

Let me show you. They're not like that, are they? Oh, no, they're not like that. Jesus Christ, man. They're like, if, imagine if you can, taking a picture of my feet, right? Yeah. They look a little bit like I've got, like that, you know, the New York filter from Instagram on them. It's aging.

Aging? Yeah. So, wow. That's what it says. If they go super yellow, then it's a fungal infection. That's why I showed you that photo. If it's just a tinge. Have you had a fungal effect? I had trench foot once.

It was horrible. How did you get it? When I used to do the festivals, like working at festivals. And then what happens? What does trench foot look like? Mate, it was honestly so sore. It was like awful. Itchy, soreness.

I had to change. And the smell. I had to change. Oh, smell. I had to change... Oh, God. I had to change socks, like, four times a day at one point. Really? Yeah, it was barbaric, man. How long did it take to get rid of it?

Quite a while, probably about a year and a half, about 18 months. Have you changed your socks four times a day? No, not all the time for four times a day. It was that, eventually, sort of, like, it was down to two. Well, but it weren't three, two, then one. Okay, yeah, no, fine, fine, fine. Thanks. And now what are you like? You're back to once a week, are you now?

Hey! King Zing is back! Oh my God. This is why this guy's doing all the panel shows. He's lightning quick. He's lightning quick. Should I get that one past Rob Brydon? He'd absolutely kill you.

What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. Speaking of being shamed online, do you know what happened to me? We did this Olympic canoeing in A League of Their Own. Denise Richards?

Denise Lewis. Who's Denise Richards? She's an actress. She's the actress. league of their own and we had to wear richard's was denise richard denise lewis okay who's denise richards she's an actress she's the actress yeah she'd have actually been good on league of their own she would have been i don't know how good she would have been at olympic canoeing but um anyway i had to wear a wetsuit which as you know are not the most flattering somebody sent a message to me with the picture of me laying on the canoe in my wetsuit next to a picture of danny devito's penguin from batman oh man that's not nice that's not nice it was a double whammy for me because one i was kind of insulted and two i couldn't help noticing a similarity in physique right so it's the worst thing when people do that did i tell you about the picture someone sent me

i'll send you the picture because it is actually quite funny someone sent me a picture of um a load of guys getting caught cottaging in america right right there's one guy on his knees sucking another guy's dick yeah and this and there's a bear in the background right the guy's like yeah yeah i'll send you the picture to put up on your instagram i'm not going to put a picture up on our instagram of a guy sucking someone off the guy's sucking the other guy's dick literally looked like me so much it was you know like i had to fucking click my brain and go i've never sucked someone's dick you know,

this is my school of thought, right? Wasn't even, that was even my first bit of thinking. I was like, have I ever been to that part of America? And I've never been that close to a bear. Oh, and I've never sucked a dick. There were three things

that went through my head. And also, I have been that close to a bear, but in like a certain kind of way. Hold on. So that was a staged photo, was it? No, it was an in the photo. No, but I'm asking from looking at that.

No, no. Was it a real bear? Yeah, I think so. I'll try and find it. How could he comfortably suck someone off to completion in front of a live bear? Well, some people are into that shit, man. Me and you, it's probably not our vibes, but some

people like fucking... Here it is. Can you see that? It really does look like you. He's actually sucking two dicks. It does look like you. That was incredible. I know, yeah know he's got like not just my face

but he's got my mannerisms as well so just to describe it to you guys because the photo looks slightly different to what I thought I mean the key points

are the same there is a bear and a dick being sucked and the guy and the guy sucking the dick does look like the wolf but they're sort of in the woods. Yeah.

And there's two blokes. One bloke, it's sort of like, best way to describe it is a two-person queue. One bloke is having his dick sucked and another bloke is waiting to have his dick sucked. What I like is the guy waiting to turn around to the bear and go, mate, come on, please. There's a queue.

Yeah. Unless you want to go on this. I just don't understand. you know what i find so how the fuck did that photo happen yeah but how did it happen but also who found that picture not just one person i've got to send that four or five times on twitter and about five six times on instagram with people going oh have you been in america yeah yeah i get i get a lot of those pictures of people i get loads of pictures of people saying that um that i look like sort of a brown bloke with beard and glasses yeah it happens a lot become like you know there's some guy from uh some american reality show that i look just like and then yeah uh forged or something then, so I get that photo

sent to me a lot. There's a photo of George Lucas where he was, I'll get sent that one. There's one of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.

Smokey Robinson's a sick looking, actually, you remind me of it. No, it wasn't him, it was one of the other, it wasn't Smokey Robinson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, you don't really look like him, but you've got his vibe. He's very cool and chilled.

You know what I mean yeah I love the way you were so cocky with that by the way that's the cockiest the hour's ever been there's no like I'm not really like

the Smokey Robinson or like even a little bit of denial you just looked straight down the camera licked your lips and went yeah I didn't lick my lips

do you moisture your lips do I moistur lick my lips. Do you moisture your lips? Do I moisturise my lips? Yeah. No, but I do from time to time. I would say one of my biggest faux pas in terms of grooming is dry lips. Yeah, dry lips are really bad. I've got that.

Why do you keep licking your lips now? You're going to make it worse. Yeah, I'm just a bit cut down. What do you use on your lips? Just saliva. Saliva? Yeah, just lick them a lot. Get them moist. I don't like that.

Sometimes I do that so people can't see. Okay, I'm slightly nervous about something because over the last minute you've licked your lips a lot and i'm hoping no but listen listen i am hoping beyond hope that that is because that's what we're talking about because what i'm now worried about is that this is something you do all the time and i haven't yet noticed it no you know you know when you you know when you notice something about somebody and then that never fucking goes away? I really am hoping that you have not just been broken for me.

Because if you lick your lips all the time, I think this might be fucking over. No, no, no. Or we'll have to do the podcast without video on. Yeah, no, no. I don't do it all the time. You know what it is? It's just I've got a little bit of that sort of white stuff.

Yeah. Oh, my God. That was absolutely disgusting. What are you doing? Fucking hell. You must lick your lips quite a lot, though. Yeah, I reckon about 35. I've got no fucking idea how much I lick my lips.

I don't know. I don't think I do lick my lips. I've always noticed that they're quite moist. Okay, first of all, licking your lips dries them out. Does don't know. I don't think I do lick my lips. I've always noticed that they're quite moist. Okay, first of all, licking your lips dries them out. Does it? Yeah, that's the first thing. Yeah, because my lips feel really dry now. Yeah, so you do lick your lips a lot.

You know what I need to do is to start vaseline-ing them. Apparently that makes it worse as well. Does it? I don't know. I vaseline my lips on occasion. Only on special occasions when I'm like, I don't know, when I'm my lips on occasion like not only on special occasions when I'm like I don't know

when I'm sucking someone off in front of a bear but on occasion I have been like I have looked in the mirror and gone fucking hell is that what my lips have looked like all day

but then every time I any time I like do something about it like on the sometimes you know you get people basically what I'm trying to waffle my way to is there seems to be no consensus on how you look after your lips.

No, no, because whenever you have like, you know, the little flat kind of tins of a different flavor, Vaseline. Whenever you get one of those out in front of someone, they'll go,

you're just drying your lips out doing that. You know that, don't you? Yeah. Am I? Yeah. So actually from, I've heard this. So actually, from what I've heard, from what we've managed to glean,

it's dehydration that dries your lips out. Let me tell you something as well, and you probably sort of know, lips are the one thing that don't have a proper specialist. What do you mean? Every other part of your body has a specialist. So let's start from the bottom. There's a foot specialist, there's probably a toe specialist. you've got people who like investigate legs knees willies bums right stomachs do you know what's so tragic about that is

that you had to stop yourself from laughing after saying willies and bums hearts stomachs intestines right arms armpits necks um right everywhere ears eyes noses heads brains right all of that has got specialists i've never met a lip specialist well there is no ear specialist is there yeah there is mate especially no ear nose, is there? Yeah, there is, mate. Ear specialist? No, ear, nose and throat. I went to see a proper ear specialist. Well, ear, nose and throat, but ears were her speciality. She knew so much about ears. It was actually pretty amazing. Did she tell you that ears were her speciality?

Yeah, she said ears were her favourite. Because she knew more about ears than you did, which I assume is like three things. No, she knew so much about ears. It was actually mind-blowing i i let jen you know i was fascinated with her stories of ears and i actually just said to her afterwards you know what i wish there's more people in the world like you oh you didn't say that did you yeah i know i love people who take something so small i mean the ears are like one of the top

five smallest parts of your body right one of the top five smallest parts of your body, right? One of the top five. What a fucking nothing thing to say. Ears are one of the top five smallest things on your body. Right. She's taking them. Let's school one day. Why are you making that statement, turning that statement into a BuzzFeed list?

Why can't you just say ears are one of the smallest things on your body? Why can't you just say that? One of the top five things that's the smallest things in your body? Why can't you just say that? One of the top five things that's the smallest thing on your body. Right. You've got to think, right, this woman, right? Put this in your head, right? Please think about it, right?

Not now, maybe at some point. At some point during her schooling or maybe even when she went to university, she's seen an ear that she's just gone, I'm going to make that, right? I'm going to make that the thing that I love and the thing that I work on. And she's just gone i'm gonna make that right i'm gonna make that the thing that i love and i think that i work on and she's fucking done it man she's fucking smashed it and now probably is one of the best ear people in the world like she knows so much about ears i'm like there's so

many things that you've assumed in that do you understand why what you've just said it has so many assumptions in it you know know that. In what sense? First of all, you're assuming that that was her ambition to specialise in ears. And that was her ultimate ambition. It might have been that she wanted to do something else and then she just sort of fell into ears. Because the thing that she really... I've got a picture in my head of her falling into a big ear.

I thought you would. I thought you would. You're in a very childish mood today aren't you yeah yeah i do feel childish it's good and then the other thing is is obvious the obvious one is the fact that you're saying she's one of the best ear people in the world how many ear people have you seen right it would stagger me and actually bedazzle me if I was to meet anyone else who knew more about it. Okay, fine, fine. You being staggered, I don't think is as rare as you seem to think it is.

You being bedazzled, okay, you're also a man who'd be bedazzled if a meal came with more chips than he was expecting. So... I should imagine you at a restaurant at a pub on a Sunday ordering your food big pile of chips you just sit back

just move your chair back from the table oh no oh my god do you know what can I just say something I am stunned I am stunned by that.

I'm literally... Ask my darling wife here. I very rarely speak to her. So long. Yeah, yeah. He's never speechless. Where's the chef? Let me see him at once.

Hello, mate. Big John Davis. I've just been out there. I've ordered the fish and chip supper in an ironic way for Sunday lunch. The amount of chips on that plate. Yeah. And served on a shovel head, by the way. Lovely little touch.

And going and sitting down and hearing the manager shouting in a kid, we're going to go out of business if you keep putting that many chips on the plate. What do you think of people serving food on things that aren't plates, by the way? I'm not a fan of it. Have we talked about this? I'm not a fan of it. You're not a fan of it? No.

I think it absolutely, completely ridicules the inventor of the plate. Christ. Do you know what? For a moment there, I thought there might be a brief section in this podcast where we actually agreed on something, and then you pulled a fucking insane reason out of your ass. Why? Why do you give a shit

about the inventor of the plate this is the difference between me and you i respect things and people right like you're so cool and edgy sitting there in your fucking board shorts and your fucking t-shirt right you've got a fucking feet right someone at some point right yeah he didn't invent fire or he didn't invent fucking spears, and he didn't invent whatever, like, right? But at some point, people were eating food out of their hands, or off the dirt on the floor. And let's call this guy Lionel or Mark, right?

He's basically just turned around and gone, guys, look, it's not much. It's funny you say that. I do think around the time the plate was invented, Lionel and Mark would have been probably the two most popular names, you're right. Carry on. He's probably, like, found a tree and they're all, like,

off killing shit and fucking starting fires and building shelters. And everyone's probably fucking got the zig with Mark and they're probably turning around or lying on him going, what's he fucking up to? He's, like, never fucking doing any old graft. He annoys the life out of me, right? And then one day he just comes over

and he's got like, someone's cut down a tree and he's used some of that tree and just shaped it into a plate. He's come over and gone, here we go. And they're like, what the fuck is that?

He's like, put your food on it and eat it. So he puts a selection of food, whatever, meat, potatoes, a bit of veg. Has he also invented the roast dinner? He puts it on the plate,

and someone goes, oh my God, this food tastes so nice. And he says, because we're not eating it out of the floor, or off the floor, we're eating it out of the floor, because it's vegetables.

Enjoy it. And then he just makes loads of other plates before you know it he's fucking knocking up a bowl different size plates but you know he does that and then you know he's now fucking he's been besmirched because the person who invented the shovel or fucking a surfboard is now fucking also fucking we're having food off those that's your biggest issue with Yeah, it's a bit that annoys me because someone's thought and care has been absolutely... Imagine if we started selling the time with our shoes. Do you know what I mean?

It'd be ridiculous, wouldn't it? I don't think it's quite the same thing, but yeah. But do you not think it just looks a bit wanky? Yeah, I mean, look... Hold on, hold on. But it's not uncommon to receive your chips in a mug now, is it? What do you think about that? Again, it's not what it's for.

It's like a pint of prawns. What a stupid thing. You don't like that? No. I like the chip. I like the shit on where it's meant to be. Also, the thing that grinds my gears, if we're going to get into it, is stop putting fucking green parsley and fucking basil

and fucking shrubs on the stairs. It's the thing that pisses me off more than anything. If I've ordered a fry up, I don't want to see any green on that plate. There's no green on a fry up. Mate, people put those little fucking leaves and shit on top of it to make it look better. Now they're just getting away. Mate, go and order a fry up. Just take Lisa with you.

Order Lisa a fry up. All right? 90% of places now do this. Are you talking about a sprig of parsley? Or a sprig of herbs or fucking leaves or whatever. And they put it on a fry up. I don't want to see that shit. It's got no place on there.

I have never seen that, ever. Mate, I will take a picture. Actually, people, please, if you're going out for a fry up this week, take a picture. Do not do this. But just, if you do see that, let, people, please, if you're going out for a fry-up this week, take a picture. Do not do this. But just, if you do see that, let me know, please. Because I've noticed. Actually, I've got to say, though, sprig of parsley on a thing,

I thought that was pretty passe now. I thought that was like done. No, no, this is, I don't even know what herb it is. It's like basically like a stupid version of rocket. And also rocket, by the way, can fuck off. I hate rocket. What are you talking about? It's like the best leaf.

One of the best leaves. You're joking. I'm not. Peppery. I've never, ever eaten rocket and not nearly choked to death. Okay. Well, that's, I mean, that's more to do with how quickly you eat things, isn't it? I don't think rocket can be blamed.

Mate, I would like to know actually, if we've got any experts, how many people die a year of choking to death on rocket? If I go out for a meal and there's rocket on someone's plate, I would spend a whole on edge thinking at some point I might

have saved this person's life. Or even given the Heimlich remover. The Heimlich remover the heimlich remover what's that when you see somebody else doing the heimlich maneuver and then you get rid of them it's called the heimlich maneuver or remover or you said remover yeah because you're yeah mate look it's the same thing you know what i'm talking about right i'm gonna give you one of the words right for you to get it. Or you've got to put your hand in their throat and pull the rocket out. Yeah. So if you were choking on it, I would have to just grab you, throw you back.

Let me tell you something. If I'm choking on it and it's just you and me, just let me die. No, I would not. Because you are not going to be able to get that fucking paw of yours down my throat to get the rocket out. Just let me go. Mate, I would not be out especially my fucking best bud i literally throw you to the table pull open your mouth with one hand and put my left hand in your mouth and fucking pull the rocket out um when's the last time you ate rocket

uh probably 2008 2009 when it first came out when it first came out and then what happened you need to choke to death yeah and i was like and now someone puts it on my plate i'm like i like you thank you for inviting me here but that needs to fucking go okay because even you know when you're eating quickly and a little bit of it stuck to the bit of a bit of chicken or a beef burger yeah right and you walk put it in your mouth and then you're like oh fuck there's rocket on this yeah i don't react like that but yeah yeah but the trouble with rocket is like it wants to be involved all the time even if you and then you're like, oh, fuck, there's Rocket on this. Yeah. I don't react like that, but yeah. Yeah, but the trouble with Rocket is, like, it wants to be involved all the time,

even if you don't want it to be involved. Oh, I see what you mean. It's quite clingy, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you do make sense. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils.

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It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong. The new empire. Now playing only in theaters. Okay, look. Should we get on with some emails, Tom? Let's do it, baby. Okay.

Our first email is from the Red Panda. Wow. Wow. I didn't even know there was Red Pandas. Yeah, they're quite rare. I mean, all pandas are rare, aren't they? It's not a lot of fun. Okay.

Hi, Wolf, Owl and Swan. Yeah. Loving the podcast each week and other bonus episodes too i'm red panda i'm red panda and i'm an a and e nurse and work long hours so when i get home i go i want to go straight to bed after a busy shift i need some advice on how to approach my neighbors upstairs about a personal subject on their behalf they seem to love having sex good on them when i'm trying to get to sleep after a busy day, it's frustrating, especially because they're very noisy. It sounds like she's not enjoying it, and she's

making what sounds like fake noises. How do I confront them about the issue to help me get better sleep, and not to feel awkward trying not to listen, and also to maybe help their sex life? Keep up the good work, and thank you for keeping a smile on my face. Thanks, Red Panda. Tom, how noisy are you

when you have sex i'm not that noisy yeah i'm always quite conscious of the surroundings i'm not i always think it's not a man's job to be too noisy no we used to live nick we me and katherine used to live in a flat and the guy below us you or above us sorry he used to be very noisy in the city you know his sex was very noisy i find it men being noisy during sexes listen to each their own uh and if you are a noisy uh lovemaker great good for you i just it's not as common is it no no no not that you have to be silent but i think like i'll tell you what i do i do find slightly about It's sort of every now and again I'll let out... Every now and again I'll let out a sign that sort of suggests that the cardio element of this is getting to me a bit.

Do you know what I mean? It's sort of... Sometimes I feel a little lightheaded after. I'll just have a can of Coke to get my sugar up. Sorry, Romesh, have you got an energy gel there? Yeah, just... Why are you having smarties feel a bit weak um but yeah apart from that i'm fairly quiet i would say disturbingly so we had um we had a neighbor it was he was very loud and actually weirdly similar to this woman his partner never sort of sounded like she was

particularly enjoying it right um but also he was i think in my mind he was a psychopath and it still absolutely astounds me that i've still not seen him on the news as some sort of like fucking weird he was like a proper weird geezer do you know what i mean like an accident way to happen kind of vibe i just found him i found him actually quite terrifying to be around he never wore a top and he actually wore cycling shorts probably as late as november even though i don't think he even had a bike so he was a fucking weird gazer very weird guy um but we never saw but i never went up to him and said look your love making is quite loud you know can you just keep it on the down low um because i think it's a very awkward conversation to have i would suggest because i i think there's no going back once you've sort of made that thing once you've sort

of said that to someone there's not i don't there's no there's many people who are going to go oh my god i'm so sorry we'll try and keep it down, right? People will, I think, react pretty negatively to that as being a thing, you know? Well, I think if they're comfortable enough to be having noisy sex, they probably feel like it's their right. And then you sort of end up looking like a bit of a prude, don't you, if you go in there? Yeah, I think I would invest in some seriously good earbuds or there's a thing called a power mask, which is incredible,

which is a bit of kit that you can link to your phone and it plays like white noise when you're sleeping. And it does cut out any sounds of anything else. So that's a pretty good thing. How do you feel about the fact that, by the way,

I know that you use a pair of masks because i saw you shamelessly fucking plugging it on your instagram um how do you feel about the fact that these people are sort of arguably being quite inconsiderate i think that that mate i've i've got no time for them but i i it might in my experience of these sort of you know this sort of behavior they're not going to think it's a problem ever they'll think you're the problem there's no way in the world that they're that fucking loud and that fucking insensitive to other people around them right that they're then going to go oh actually you know what god maybe we were in the wrong they're going to think that you you know the red panda and let me shout by the way out the red

panda any nurse someone that we should you know someone that people should be considerate of frontliner if anything these people should be discussing we should, you know, someone that people should be considerate of, frontliner. If anything, these people should be discussing themselves. If actually, you know what I mean, this might be the wrong way of going about it. I'd probably start dropping little hints to people around other neighbours. So have you heard number 54 making love? Getting loud, isn't it?

Obviously I'm working for the NHS. Slugging off behind their back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, or the other thing to do is just write a note under the door anonymously put it under

that's a great here we go yeah this is a great shout what would the note say fucking keep it

down with the lovemaking keep it down with the lovemaking and by the way nobody believes that she's enjoying it

yeah yeah yeah fucking hell straight well that's probably more harsh than I'd have gone with but I would actually say that's a good way of doing it.

Well, you just want to sort of... You sort of want to embarrass them into stopping it. But do not let them catch you putting that under their door because there's no going back. That's the worst place to go. Yeah, well, I would say one of the most obvious things you've ever said, and that is... Yeah.

And that is a hotly contested position, by the way. I think keep your eyes open. Wait for them both to go out, right? Keep an eye on the front door, the blocks you're in, um, wait for them to go out and then just sneak up there as quietly as you can.

Um, and then, and also just find out, probably do a little bit of digging, find out if they're close to the neighbors, you know, opposite or next door. Yeah.

It's a good show. It's a good show. You know, we actually sort of, last thing you want is to be grassed up. Yeah. You don't want to be. It's almost like you'd be in the wire, wouldn't it? You'd be like McNulty out of the wire.

You've got to sort of do a breakdown of how everyone works and stuff. And then maybe put notes for other people's doors to say, has anyone had the lovemaking? Is it annoying? Start a WhatsApp group behind their backs. Yeah, this feels like a lot of work. Yeah, but, you know, I mean, she's written into the show, so this is the most we can do for her. Just try the note.

Just try the note and see how you go. And let us know how you get in. Maybe do a picture with you in the note and send it in to the podcast. Please don't do that. But just let us know how you get on. Next email. This is from... Okay, this is quite difficult. difficult i'm so almost surprised that the

swans picked this because this feels like quite actually no well let's see i'll say what you think dear tom ron and the lovely swan my parents cat was put down after a long illness two weeks ago i know when we visit them next my two-year-old daughter would immediately ask where gizmo is do we tell her the truth or make something up that's from michelle in crystal palace When we visit them next, my two-year-old daughter will immediately ask where Gizmo is. Do we tell her the truth or make something up? That's from Michelle in Crystal Palace. Hey, Michelle. You know, when I was a youngster,

I had a cat called Daisy that I used to go everywhere with. And one time my sister sort of turned around and said, when are we going to get a new cat? Because Daisy was a bit old. And I think like two days later, Daisy had left the house. And some other kids found her in the woods and she passed away.

I sort of think she died of a broken heart. But my parents told me that day. And it sort of got me used to the fact that sort of death is a thing. I think it's, you know, we were talking about the other week, about I think it's sort of being honest, but also not making it too dark and too grisly i think actually that's just one of the blessings of sort of having pets or whatever is sort of acclimatizing the kid to the fact that you know we're not always going to be here on this mortal call and uh you know maybe just saying that you know i can't remember what the cat was called,

Make Peace or, oh, Gizmo, yeah, Gizmo, you know, has moved on to a better place, you know,

blah, blah, blah, you know, sort of, she's going to be, or it's going to be. You're putting a lot of thought into this advice,

aren't you, Tom? So just so you know, just tell your daughter, the cat's moved on, blah, blah, blah,

go over it, mortal coil, et cetera, et cetera. Let's just call the kid Little Michelle, blah, blah. No, I can get over it. Mortal coil, et cetera, et cetera. Let's just call the kid Little Michelle. You're like Little Michelle. You know, Gizmo has passed on to a better place. She's far happier than she's ever been. Where is she?

Well, that's a good question. She is in a place called Cat Heaven, where she's with all the other cats that have ever lived like great cats like Winston Churchill's cat and stuff and she is just going to live you know she's there now

so she's running in the clouds and sweet as you know and eating all of the cat treats that she can Will I go to that place? No no no no you'll go to human heaven but you can go to cat heaven when you're in human heaven and see you can catch up with her then so she's like she'll be eating just sardines most whenever

she wants them and fresh ones out of the sardine heaven live and when will i be able to see her again um well it depends um probably in sort of 70 to 90 years. What happens then? Well, then you'll also go to a better place. So, yeah. I'll die. Well, yeah. I mean, that's, yeah, that's the gist of what I'm getting to. But, you know.

Will you die? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably in, I don't know, 60 to 70 years. Will my friends die? Well, yeah. I mean, all of the truth about 70 years. Will my friends die? Well, yeah. I mean, all of the truth about life is... Will my teachers die? Yes, especially Mr Phillips.

I've been a prick, but actually I think you're probably right. And don't make it too sad or too sombre. No, no. But don't be too jolly, equally, I would say. Yeah, don't be too jolly. But I think, you know, just make your voice like this. Sort of bring it down an octave or two.

Hello, how are you doing? All right. Why are you talking so funny and weird? Because this is how I talk when I've got sad news, but also happy news. Yeah, and then every time she hears that voice forever, she'll shit herself. This is slightly unrelated,

but it just reminded me of the fact I used to really be into Garfield. Oh my God, I can imagine that, yeah. I actually genuinely can, it surprised me you haven't got a Garfield tattoo. I was so into Garfield, I started eating lasagna just because he liked it. What, like meat lasagna or veggie?

No, veggie. And then I went through a phase. I can't remember how old I was. Do you know this sad thing? What was it fucking Doggy knocked around with? Odie. I'm basically your Odie. You're Garfield and I'm Odie.

How pathetic is that? That's what we should have called this. Fucking hell. Lisa's John Arbuckle. If we were going to do a cartoon, they were going to remake Garfield. I know they've done it recently. You would be Garfield and I'd be Odie.

Did Odie even talk or did he just pant? No, he just panted. It was one of those weird things where... Well, actually, I mean, theoretically, Garfield didn't talk either, did he? It was sort of... It was thought bubbles, wasn't it? You know the two most tragic fucking

people in the world? Who? Odie and Tails from Sonic. You don't like Tails from Sonic? Oh man, I felt so sorry for him. Why? I felt sorry for the animator who animated him. Why? He's just pointless, wasn't he? It's a two-player game but if Sonic was so quick you couldn't keep up. Yeah. There was nothing worse

than going to your friend's house who had a Mega Drive and they'd be, oh, we'll play two-player player and sonic would be flying they didn't have split screen at that time i think later on you got split screen and you'd be i'll just wait up for me i'm tails i can't keep up and then you just come flying into screen for a second make two jumps and sonic would be off again yeah literally felt like a big mate on a fucking computer game which is pretty much like my standing in fucking school anyway. I've been playing this game called Shapes and Beats with Alex and

it's basically just this little square and it's all dance music and every time a beat drops it shoots out this different stuff. It's better than it sounds and you have to just avoid it and work your way through it. Anyway, Alex is unbelievable at it and he keeps asking to play it with me and he told me today it's the reason he enjoys playing

with me is because i'm so shit and get so stressed out yeah it's sort of something something degrading about yeah your son just like enjoying playing with you because you look so pathetic playing do you know what i mean anyway i really into Garfield and I went through a phase. Oh, this is so, I don't, I feel so sorry for my parents. I went through a phase of whatever jacket I was wearing. This is so, I'm actually sort of slightly embarrassed. Whatever jacket I was wearing, I'd put a little toy Garfield in the top pocket of it.

How old were you? Like 30, 40? I think I was slightly younger than that but old enough for it to be really tragic oh Jesus Christ get it out

like that is yeah I don't know if Theo insisted on doing that when he went out and stuff to see his friend

I think Lisa and I had stage an intervention I don't know what my parents I remember like going to like we were about to go to a party and my mum and dad sitting me down and going... Oh, my God. Maybe you should leave the Garfield home tonight.

You used to talk to it and stuff. No, I don't think so. But I used to really be proud of having a Garfield sticking out of my top pocket. And then people would sort of come up to me and go, why have you got that? And I go, I just really like Garfield. So you had it like a gravette?

Yeah, like a little pocket square. Oh, my God. How long did you do that for? Like a couple of years? I reckon, yeah. So you were like 15 when you finished doing it? No, I can't even be doing it at 15. I mean, fucking I wouldn't have survived, would I?

That would have been so tragic. But you're into hip-hop, but you've got this... I mean, to be fair, if you're like, the rest of your clothes are pretty drippy, like, if some of the cooler people in the world wore that, you'd go, oh, fucking hell, that's cool. It's just me and you haven't got that demeanour to carry that off without looking like...

No, I can't pull it off. I sort of wish I hadn't said that now. Anyway, okay, next email. I can just... It's so sad. It's so sad. Dear Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat. This is from The Shark and The Fox.

Wow. Love the podcast, really enjoyable. My girlfriend was recently at the petrol station putting fuel in the car when a guy approached her and said, I love you in in that dress her initial reaction was to turn and light him up with the petrol feeling like she's intimidated which can't be a fine thing these days am i right guys topical uh but instead said thanks and turned away he then walked on and went inside to pay for his own fuel no further interaction took place she spoke to me about this and we talked

about whether anyone could give anyone an unsolicited compliment anymore or whether that was off limits into society um i think women maybe feel like there's an agenda to compliments but if it is innocuous it maybe makes the world a friendlier place do you think there's still a place in the world to compliment strangers or should we just keep ourselves to ourselves love the podcast keep up the good work it's quite a tricky one this isn't it tom i don't think it's tricky i think that's just weird man i'm sorry i think that oh no i don't think it's uh i don't think that's it was his was his missus on her own i assume so yeah yeah but personally i think that's like it might have come from a good place but to what end um i think like i just think that there's there's something slightly sort of,

that might be sort of, whether he sort of said it, whatever his intentions were, I think there's a world where that feels like quite, almost like intimidating or it can be quite, yeah. I don't think that's right. Look, I agree with you, actually. On this specific incident, I do think that bloke sounds like a weirdo. I think if you're going out, if me, you and Lisa and Kat went out for food

and I turned around and you turned around and went, oh, Lisa, you look lovely tonight or whatever, that's fine. That's unacceptable. I think if there's a woman on her own, if there's a woman on her own, especially somewhere like, you know, where it's an intimidating place to be, you're in a car, he's in a car, you've then maybe got the fucking thought that he might follow you or some shit, right?

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that's when it's got to be KD. When you got to do you, it's got to be KD. Shop now. To what end do you mean it? To what end? Where's that coming from? So for me, it's like that that's that's just yeah i think that's kind of creepy and i think and also you know fair play to your

for sort of like accepting it as as being a sort of um him doing it in a sort of credible nice way i i just for me it's i i bet he's a sort of fucking weirdo that fucking describes women as being beautiful creatures and fucking, he's just a creep. Yeah, I don't vibe that. Well, I think the wording of it is weird. I love you in that dress. Yeah, especially if you've never seen that person. I know.

It's fucking weird, man. It's a bit fucking weird. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit fucking weird. My point is this, though. The reason I said is this tricky, right, is that you constantly see like people like getting compliments right so like somebody goes you know i've seen it done

in a much more innocent way on tiktok or whatever on social media everywhere like somebody goes hey man that outfit's sick or whatever like you know or you look you look great today or something like that you know like that feels a bit more innocent. But you're not in there in a physical, there's not a physical world, right? I know, I speak to my wife, I speak to female friends of mine, right? There's a world where, like,

and you know, especially in this, you know, not to get too deep, but you know, you've seen cases of things in the last year or so. When you're physically in a space and you're on your own as a woman, right? You don't need any other fucking way to feel more threatened. And I don't know whether that guy has come into this, this situation and,

and meant it in a very genuine matter of what, you know, which would tell you that if he's meant it in a genuine way, he's a nice person, then he should have enough fucking thought and decency within himself to know that that woman doesn't know anything about him. Apart from he's a random guy who's walked past her in a petrol station and said something like that i really like you in that dress that's alarm bells so that's a day changer yeah you know you know

and then you know like say uh so what you can't even fucking compliment a woman anymore correct yeah correct it's it's a it's a minor it's a minor sacrifice to make for people to feel safe and comfortable. You know what? If you think someone looks nice, internalise it and think, yeah, well done to them. They look nice.

Congratulate them in your head. And do you know what? Guys who have that way of thinking, who, you know, without fucking generalising, probably think, and I'm swearing a lot at the moment because it's something that ranks me out,

but they have that thought about everything. And 90% of the time, they've got a superiority complex. So they think, oh, I'm right, they're wrong. It's, yeah, man. I know myself that if that happened to Catherine, that would creep her out, man. That would weird her out and that would make her feel vulnerable. So, yeah, I think fucking shame on the guy who's done that, man. The second part of this is,

do you think there's still a place in the world to compliment strangers? No. I think it's how it's done. I have said to people, to a bloke, I love your T-shirt. Yeah, I've said to another guy. Or a nice train or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

I've said that. That's all right, right? I've said that, but I don't think I've ever said it in a situation where I've just walked past someone and said it. I've said it in a situation alright, right? I've said that, but I don't think I've ever said it in a situation where I've just walked past someone and said it. I've said it in a situation where we might have been chatting, there might have been a bit of a chat before. For me, I just think

it's the... I don't think it's any different from wolf whistling or it's objectifying someone. I think, like, from a man to a woman, especially, like I say, if you were to, you know, if the situation's a little... Yeah, no, I just don't think it's cool i think yeah i just think look it's one of these things where it is more difficult to be a woman out and about than it is to be a man that's a fact right and and you know and we

can talk about the the the problems and the reasons for that and why that's a shame we can talk about all of that but that is a fact and when lisa's out and about i worry about her more than she has to worry about me when i'm out and about on my own right and that's just how life is and so within that that difference we should all be doing whatever we can to to not add to the discomfort of that situation and whatever however well intentioned that is i just think going up and talking to a stranger full stop a woman it's just it's just not it's probably not cool do you know what i mean it's like come on man like so i don't think there's any place for that and i i think there's a lot of you know i mean there's a lot of men and and I think most men, that need to look at themselves and how their behaviour fuels the way

that women feel about, you know, going out and being out. It's, you know, even like people who look a certain, you know, if you give a certain look or a certain vibe, maybe, yeah, I think being married and sort of, especially Kat's very sort of vocal about that sort of stuff, and Catherine, we talk about it, and she goes, she's sort of, she's an attractive girl, so when she's out, she's had that sort of, people do that kind of stuff and Catherine we talk about it and she goes she sort of she's an attractive girl so when she's out she's had that sort of people do that kind of thing and I think it's it's yeah it's it's something that we should be teaching at a very young age I mean you're you're a brilliant father and you've got three young three young boys there and I think it's

that and you know Lisa's a very strong woman I think it's having that making sure that the next generations don't think that's because yeah it's a small strong woman. I think it's having that, making sure that the next generations don't think that. Because, yeah, it's a small thing. It might just be completely innocent. But for me, there's always reasons behind that. You don't just say that. We can't do it at the end.

Thank you so much for your email, Shark and the Fox. Thank you, Shark and the Fox. It was a very good email. Do you want to do one more quick more quick let's do a quick one baby okay uh dear wolf allen swan love of the podcast i've already got my wife and several friends into it at different stages episodes keep up the good work you sweet sweet souls uh p.s tom have you considered a perfume soul insole business called sweet sweet souls

well that's actually a really good idea uh after the debate about mickey drips i wanted to mention something that often plays with my mind, the curious case of TBS or toxic ball syndrome, to give it the full title. Over the years, I've noticed that many

perfectly good pairs of jeans and trousers are rendered useless by wearing away the material around the gooch or baths area just beneath where my gentleman's walnuts sit.

I then have to throw them out unless I want some sort of ball patch sewn on. I just got on out unless i want to want some sort of ball patch sewn on i just got on with life assuming i had some sort of toxic ball bags issue until i mentioned it to work colleagues to remember that one of their boyfriends had the same issue do me and him just have tbs or have you experienced this if so how do we combat this terrible affliction all the best the eagle uh tom have you is this something that you've uh i don't think i think toxic ball syndrome.

I was thinking it was going to be something like a fucking really smelly pair of balls. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. This is, I think, pretty... Like, it happens a lot. I've gone through a number of pairs of jeans, favourite jeans, favourite trousers,

where the wearing of it is just... I think it's like chafage. You're chafing around the area. It's fucking... It's absolutely... You know what what one of the worst things that happened to me so i had a pair of jeans that were on their last rights you know yeah i didn't realize quite how fucking worn they were around the area and i was sprinting for a fucking truck train like leather in it to get on this train i fucking jump on the train get on it i find a seat i sit there and i'm probably sitting there for about 15 20 minutes and i clock that the people opposite me

uh two two lads are sort of like giggling to themselves and looking down um and then i've noticed a bit of a chill around the old bollocks yeah and i look down and the wearage is just fucking just they couldn't take the run, they couldn't take the excessive speed that I fucking put them through and they've completely just given way and my fucking underpants are on show pair of red underpants are on show

number one I was devastated because I love those jeans was never able to replace them because they didn't do that fucking, G-Star didn't do that fucking vibe again and also it was a shame that I had to have to sit there with my legs crossed for that yeah because i even had my legs legs crossed it was a little bit like you can still see a little bit of redness from the pants yeah that's really sad really sad story and and then what did you do uh well i fucking sat there then i put like uh i luckily enough had a jacket I put a jacket across my lap like a sort of

like a duchess in the back of a old sort of like horse and cart so you were sat there with kind of a like a a shroud

sort of over your legs yeah yeah sat there for an hour and 15 minutes like that and then when I got off I just

had to get into a taxi and I said look please forgive me. Um, my, my genes have given way. I had a thing once when,

when I was a teacher, I wore, um, I had a brand new suit on. I think it was brand new. And, uh, uh,

you know, it wasn't a very nice suit because, um, I think it might be next. Oh yeah. I can imagine you're the next uh and um

uh as the kids were about to come into the classroom I stood up and the the threads on the crotch of my trousers

oh no that's the worst one sort of got caught on like the bit where the two desks meet to the desk mate and as I stood up on a desk because I sort of oh caught on like the bit where the two desks meet to the desk mate and as i sit on a desk

because i sort of oh no that is like look i just think you've fucking outdone yourself with garfield what do you mean you are sitting on the desk trying to be cool no no no no no no no no no listen i'm not sitting up on the desk on theched on the desk like David Brent in your new neck suit. Oh, God. When you say it like that, it does sound pretty bad. But yeah, I was. As I stood up, the thread got caught and the entire crotch of my trousers just completely came apart.

Oh, my God. What did you do? So from the back, just underneath the belt of my arse crack, right the way down to my ball bag was completely open. Oh, my God. Jesus. Did you have to go to a lost property and get a spare pair of trousers? So what happened was the lesson was starting,

and I wasn't exposed. It was just sort of my boxer shorts were exposed. So I let the class in. Oh, yeah. What kind of fucking teacher doesn't wear pants to school on thursdays i wouldn't wear pants just because i wanted to just wanted to see if that made me sort of more sort of thinking outside the box teaching they respected you more yeah just had a bit more swagger about me anyway i got the kids in and they

obviously could see what was happening. Oh my God. And, and I said, um, did you make a joke out of it? At least I said to them, so this is a situation. I bought this new seat today.

I was really proud of it. And then as you were coming in, I stood up and the trousers are falling apart. Why were you sitting on the desk, sir? None of them said that. None of them said that. And then i said you've got five minutes to ask me as many questions and make as many jokes as you like about this and then we've

got to get on with the lesson and so then i just gave him like an amnesty to sort of to talk about it as much as i like for a bit so basically what then you did the lesson and what essentially was a pair of chaps. Yeah, basically, arseless chaps. Jesus Christ. They got it out of the system, though. They're totally fine. Yeah, I'll bet they were. Until they got home with their mum and dad. I thought the most shameful thing he could do was his beatboxing and rapping in maths class.

But now he's... When he taught attempted to teach them adding fractions to the tune of Lose Yourself, I really did think that was the low point for Mr. Branganathan. It was weird because his trousers ripped, but he kept on dropping his board wiper. I mean, if you think

about the facts of that, if they'd have decided to twist that, suddenly I'm in court. Is it true, Mr. Branganathan, you told the children that your trousers had just miraculously come apart as they walked in? As you were sitting seductively on a desk.

Oh, I forgot to wear any underpants today. Anyway. Okay, look, Tom. It's about that time. Wow. Could you please take us out once again in your own inevitable style? The world spins around, and we all stand upon it.

None of us really know that it's spinning. And we go along with life as it happens, just waking up every day as the sun arises and going to bed as the moon shows its wily face. We put on deodorant every morning, some days we forget, but we sometimes don't remember actually why, why we're here. We sometimes don't integrate ourselves enough or talk enough or speak enough. Actually, the real meaning of life isn't the fact of just waking and going to sleep. It's achieving little things. And I'm not talking about climbing Everest every other day or learning a way of making maths work for you. I'm talking about making changes in other people's lives. Greeting someone with a smile or a gentle nod rather than saying something

that ruins their day. My point is consideration is important. Do something decent but do it for other people rather than yourself. Rather than to your ends do it for someone else's ends find an old person who might need some milk or some bread or maybe even help someone's cat who hasn't got any sardines do things for others that you see fit for not doing to yourself and just remember all of us are needed but not everyone's's required. That was really lovely, Tom. Yeah. It's really, really nice.

Okay. Tomo, thank you so much, brother. Are we doing a bonus ep again this week? Mate, I'm here if you are, baby. Yeah, I'm here. I hope you enjoyed the bonus episode. Remember to email in with any issues, thoughts, suggestions, but please, not pictures.

And remember, as I always say, if it don't crunch, it ain't a proper lunch. Okay, cool. Thank you very much. Take care. Bye-bye. Peace out. Bye. Peace, peace.

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