Wolf and Owl - Episode 49

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

We’re talking… podcast reviews, the return of some scat chat, stag-do’s and the prankmeister general, a new puppy and a phone screen-time challenge. We also answer some of your emails, of course... - this time on back pain, opinions on ‘private time’, and the best way to cook a potato. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at wolfowlpod@gmail.com - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Roll your way into prizes like coffee, donuts, and even $60 Tim's gift cards. Play now on the Tim's app.
Starting point is 00:00:26 Rules apply, Canada only, no purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... life's a trip make the most of it at best western Bust Western. That's an awful howler. Both of them are known to pull up at your shows. Have the crowd witnessing the murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows. Fuck the censorship. Let them see the whole thing. They stay dressed to kill.
Starting point is 00:01:31 Never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff, a puff and a... Expect killings. Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding.
Starting point is 00:01:42 Every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog That's what I like. I like changing it up. Before we came on here, actually, it's worth just saying that Ramesh decided to unleash a shotgun of a vibe killer by reading out a review from someone who said... So, listen, first of all, before we go into this, we get a lot of very positive reviews. We thank you for that. In person and in you know via various different mediums so it would be obtuse of me
Starting point is 00:02:30 not to to acknowledge that yeah and shout out everyone who said a kind word it means a lot yo we love you yeah and also what we're doing here is slightly wrong because what we're doing is we're giving attention to the the negativity I found this quite a common corner I actually genuinely think the writing of this...
Starting point is 00:02:45 I'm going to say this. For a negative review, I actually think they're sort of hitting the nail on the head, really. Okay, so the headline of the review is going downhill, which is, you know, depending on what your perspective is, that suggests that we were at a high point at some point, right? So that's good. That's positive. Started off well. But after nearly a year of episodes, they tend to...
Starting point is 00:03:09 I'm slightly nervous about reading this because they've got it so nailed on. I think we might be about to be unmasked there. I think the wolf and owl masks that we're wearing might be taken off. But also, there's not really been a mask. We've both been quite open that this is genuinely just two absolute fucking idiots with massive self-issues
Starting point is 00:03:30 just chatting it out, right? Just chatting it out, just shooting a breeze. There was never a point of this where there was going to be a moment where there was a fucking murder or there was a twist. There's a plot.
Starting point is 00:03:40 This is very not a plot twist. This isn't Succession, which I've just watched episode four of. Started off well, but after nearly a year of episodes they tend to rehash the same subjects week on week with barely any planning they drag themselves into depressing over their body issues talking about expensive fashion items and materialistic nonsense so how they've been on takeaway food again tom upsets rom Rom spends 10 minutes crying about it. Rom picks up Tom on the English language and drags him for 20 minutes.
Starting point is 00:04:08 Tom's bought a new tracksuit or a household item, which I've described in my new detail. They both tell each other what a special person the other is and they waffle some terrible advices and poor saps. There's no reason to fucking start inciting the listeners, mate, who email into the show and that's it. It's a shame the podcast had a lot of potential. I don't know what he means by it or she means,
Starting point is 00:04:28 or whoever it is means about potential. I think that's probably the big, the biggest thing I disagree with is if we, this podcast has potential. I just don't know what they expected it to turn into. Like started as two fucking idiots dribbling on where, and it maintained for me that era of idiocy
Starting point is 00:04:45 I don't any point we were going to fucking do something where you went oh shit that's what I was waiting for
Starting point is 00:04:52 it wasn't fucking lost lost yeah actually to be fair to us at least we've only on a slight decline
Starting point is 00:04:59 we're ending and we're not that we're ending any time soon but we're ending better than Lost did aren't we yeah did you watch Lost at three to the end no I didn't I'm genuinely worried I'll tell you something we're ending and we're not that we're ending anytime soon but we're ending better than Lost did aren't we yeah
Starting point is 00:05:05 did you watch Lost at 3 to the end no I didn't I'm genuinely worried we've talked about this I'll tell you something I'm worried that we've talked about this now this guy's right yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:05:12 no but I mean the thing that I really think he's absolutely got us fucking banged to rights on is depressing about their body issues we do do that a lot don't we yeah yeah yeah yeah because I'm fucking depressed
Starting point is 00:05:23 about my body I can't I can't listen what do you want me to do this week suddenly I feel good about my body it doesn't work like that
Starting point is 00:05:29 mate alright let me just shout out actually this week so this weekend right I've been
Starting point is 00:05:34 fucking smashing the ass out of training right big time big time training I waved myself on Sunday morning looking forward to
Starting point is 00:05:43 like feeling absolutely like a don. I was like, I'm ready now. I'm going to wave myself first time since I finished filming. I'd put on five fucking pounds. Yeah, but do you know what that is? That's five pounds of fucking muscle, bro.
Starting point is 00:05:55 It wasn't. It's five pounds of beef. You've just loaded onto the fucking kebab. Not to reinforce the dickhead's review, but I've brought a pair of scales. Oh, God. That break down the different body things
Starting point is 00:06:11 and all that. And on that, I put on fat, not muscle. I'm going to tell you something now. I went to PT the other day,
Starting point is 00:06:21 in the morning, before I went to PT. I weighed myself before and after a shit. I assume you've done that. Yeah, of course. It's interesting. So I told, I can't remember how much it weighed,
Starting point is 00:06:33 like what the weight difference was. But I told my PT, and I don't know why I told, why would you tell somebody this? But I did tell him. And he gave me a weight that was the same weight as shit. And it was actually quite substantial you know in the hand like what sort of weight was it it was like four four pounds or something what's that like in kilograms absolutely let me have a look i'll
Starting point is 00:06:54 look it up um but what i was saying is i was carrying it that around in your stomach yeah when you bow yeah how did it look, you know, this is really bad. Have you ever taken, 1.8, two kilos, it's two kilos. Jeez. I can't have done a two kilo shit,
Starting point is 00:07:10 that's insane. Do you ever take pictures of your shits? No, I do not. No, it's weird. I do not. And can I tell you something?
Starting point is 00:07:17 Sadly, there's a couple of WhatsApp groups I'm on, where that is considered to be a funny thing to do. And I want to absolutely, on record, on this podcast now, condemn it. I think it's horrendous. I don't find it funny, all right? And I'm fed up of seeing it.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Look, can I just say one thing? And I'll text you the picture after this. No, do not. I do not. I took a biblical dump. Tom, Tom, Tom! Please do not send me a picture of this, okay? Man, honestly, when you see it, you'll see why I'm talking to you.
Starting point is 00:07:46 I'm not going to see it. I'm not going to see it. I'll show you face to face then. What, have you put it in a box? You're going to open a Tupperware container? This thing was so fucking unreal. Like, genuinely. Like, I gave birth to it.
Starting point is 00:07:59 I looked around. And it was just sitting in a... I was genuinely like, fucking hell. So I took a... Is this bad, right right i took a picture of it yes and there was a couple of uh open-minded souls i knew were on set like when i was filming tom what tom please you didn't show at the at your place of work if i showed a couple of people right and then not on Wonka. No, not on Wonka. Come on, Sean Cotson. Walking up to fucking some global superstar and going, Hey, Timothy.
Starting point is 00:08:30 Yeah, guess what I did this morning? Look at that. That's all me. I've had to do it panoramic. You can't quite get it in on a normal portrait. No, no, no. It was on the curse. And word spread.
Starting point is 00:08:43 And more and more people are asking to see this picture. Nobody asked to see a picture of your ship. Mate, I'd say at least 11 people asked. Because word had spread. Classic. At least 11 people. Yeah. And I showed, I filmed this week with a league of their own.
Starting point is 00:08:58 Yes. Jamie had no interest. Freddie was dying to see it. Yeah. Because Freddie is that sort of guy, isn't he? Freddie loved it. Freddie was very proud of me. He actually asked for a copy of it.
Starting point is 00:09:08 Freddie Flintoff, my first week on League of Their Own, I went down to do a little rehearsal. I came back upstairs, went into my dressing room toilet, and Freddie had left a present for me in my toilet. It is amazing.
Starting point is 00:09:22 I just walked in, opened the toilet there's a massive shit in it and I thought what's happened there this must be some sort of hazing on this show then I went downstairs to get my hair and make up and then Freddie was just like how's your dressing room Rob?
Starting point is 00:09:36 how are you getting on in there? just couldn't help himself, horrible I hate that kind of shit man one of my favourite tricks I ever played I was on a film set, I won't name the film or the people who took part, but I went into one actor's trailer and I got some melted chocolate and I covered the toilet and the floor
Starting point is 00:09:56 with this melted chocolate and just watched the whole thing play out. It was one of my favourite things. I don't think that's a prank. Why is it not a prank? A prank is like a very short thing where you do something and you jump out and let off a confetti cannon.
Starting point is 00:10:18 Yeah, but this is why you're not invited to a prank. What you're talking about. That's not a prank. No, what you're talking about. You're talking about two very different things. Yeah, okay, fine. You've never given That's not a prank. No, what you're talking... You're talking about two very different things. Yeah, okay, fine. You've never been in a jackass group. No, first of all,
Starting point is 00:10:29 yeah, I don't want to be in the fucking jackass group. Honestly, if we were at a jackass board meeting and Steve-O and fucking Johnny Knoxville... First of all, they go, you've got to leave because, unfortunately, because you're British, you keep having to say jackass, which sounds insane.
Starting point is 00:10:42 It's the problem with being British and talking about that show is you can't say jackass because that sounds fucking mental. But you also can't say you also can't say jackass because that sounds
Starting point is 00:10:53 ridiculous as well. Jackass. Just imagine if you walked into the fucking meeting and go hello boys I want to join the team at jackass. Jack what?
Starting point is 00:11:03 What's great? Jackarse. It makes everyone just sound like a public schoolboy. Jackass. Yeah, I'd like to really, really be a part of Jackass, please. If you're in the board meeting, though, and everyone's sitting around, and they're like, you know,
Starting point is 00:11:24 great prank time, that's a great idea. Okay, Ram, what do you got for us? And you're like um you know great prank time that's a great idea okay rum what you got for us and you're like uh okay here we go uh some people are walking down the street and i leap out and i've got a confetti cannon and i just shoot it off and then they all look around and then i run back where i was hiding uh that's my idea they'd be like okay maybe we'll do that idea if we all like i don't know you're you're quite you're quite a pranky person aren't you i don't mind a prank now and again i'm like you love a prank yeah like you've got lots of prank stories yeah in my heyday i was a prankster i was like for a little while i used to call myself the prank master general yeah okay you used to i mean i
Starting point is 00:12:06 don't know if a sadder thing has ever been said i used to call myself the prank master general i could tell you what everyone else called you mate like when i used to go on stag do's i always used to have a couple of little ideas and plans this is my problem because i don't like stag do's. What? I've never enjoyed a stag do, ever. You are kidding me. And let me tell you something.
Starting point is 00:12:32 We've talked about stag do's before. You're exactly the reason why I don't like stag do's. There's always one person trying to escalate the fun. You can't, if you're sitting having a drink in the hotel room, can't fall asleep
Starting point is 00:12:43 because someone's going to stick a jacket potato up your arse and then take a photo of it that's the type of guy you are I'd love to
Starting point is 00:12:51 oh look who it is oh look at his spud arse spud arse is here what a spuddy I'd love to have tied you up with toilet paper
Starting point is 00:12:58 that's what I'm talking about do you know the worst thing is like I remember going on a stag do and there was like one guy I was about to say his name but I didn't I'm talking about. Do you know the worst thing is, like, I remember going on a stag do,
Starting point is 00:13:06 and there was, like, one guy, I was about to say his name, but I didn't. I'm learning my lesson. Okay, now this, hello, a year in, my guy's making a bit of progress. Yeah, I was literally, his name nearly came out of my mouth, but I didn't say it. And we went away on a stag do, and then there was a thing with, like,
Starting point is 00:13:23 whoever's luggage came out last had to share a room with him. He was like, you know. And my luggage got lost. So I had to share a room with this guy. Actually, I got to know him quite a lot. But he was quite sort of sad. So he just didn't want to be there.
Starting point is 00:13:39 He was essentially a bit like you, Sam, like you'd be on a stag do. And then you end up not just having to get in taxis with him. When we went out for meals, I'd end up sitting there. I ended up being a stag do carer for this guy. He was just like so fucking dry. You know what is, is you are laughing because, not because of how that guy was, but because of how much that guy reminds you of me.
Starting point is 00:14:06 No, because when you said, when you said he was so dry, you looked at me as if to say like you, you dry prick. And then he started giggling your ass off. He just, he didn't want to do anything fun,
Starting point is 00:14:19 right? He didn't want to do anything fun. All he wanted to do, he actually genuinely had like, he brought a book with him, put it that way. Like, that is like a no-no.
Starting point is 00:14:28 I mean, like, you can't take a book to a stag do with you. That's, for me, that's almost illegal. How did you find out
Starting point is 00:14:34 he brought a book with him? I was going for his luggage to play a trick on him. Is that true? Yeah. I was going to hide all his underwear. Do you know what I mean? That is not...
Starting point is 00:14:50 So this poor guy... Mate, I'd lost my bag. No, the sore guy that brings a book to a stag do. So already he's a social outsider. Yeah, but do you want to hear the thing? And the reward he gets, right? First of all, he gets fucking saddled with some bear that's not got any other clothes. So he's been wandering around with one pair of fucking pants
Starting point is 00:15:10 on the whole stag day. Absolutely stinking. Yeah, you know the saddest thing? I nearly hit his pants and his socks, right? And then he actually came into the room and he was genuinely great. He said, oh, look, I know that you've lost your bag, but if you want to borrow any of my underwear, I'm sure you can borrow it.
Starting point is 00:15:29 And what did he do? He said, thanks so much, and then he went out onto the window ledge and retrieved it for him. No, I just said to him, look, man, I was actually going to hide it, but I'm not now. And he was just like, all right, why would you do that? And I was like, just for fun.
Starting point is 00:15:42 And then I felt stupid. But I did sort of say to him that's what that's what the problem is with that right it's because you somebody goes to you why did you hide my why do you want to hide my underwear and socks and then your answer is just for fun for fun i was gonna hide your underwear and socks but then what's the funny part what's the funny part of that what happens then, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know, you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in so you can change the music.
Starting point is 00:16:12 Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST line all wheel drive with tech pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca.
Starting point is 00:16:33 This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later
Starting point is 00:17:11 today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Well, no, because then he's looking around for ages. So he's looking around, right? And then what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:17:39 You're sitting there laughing. Once upon a time, I hid someone's shoes, like going out shoes, in a minibar fridge, right? And he spent like ages looking for them and couldn't find them. Okay. So you learn two things about him. He didn't go in a minibar and he wasn't very good at finding stuff. But for me, that was, you know, I just got a kick out of it.
Starting point is 00:17:55 It's my thing for roommates. I think it bonds you in a way. I don't think it does. I think it just makes you an enemy for life. Look, in the end, me and this person whose name I won't mention because I know that they're still a friend have walked away
Starting point is 00:18:09 as two kindred spirits. Yeah, he became like the bookie guy. Everyone laughed at it. Actually, he became accepted because he was someone who broke the norms. No, sure, sure.
Starting point is 00:18:20 It took him a while to become one of the lads. He eventually did. It sounds like a really elite club. Have you ever taken a book to a stag day? No, I haven't. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever taken to a stag day? Slippers.
Starting point is 00:18:42 Slippers. Where was the stag day? You took slippers, though. That's worse than a book. the steak you took slippers though shit that's worse than a book why would you
Starting point is 00:18:49 take slippers where was it can I tell you something I'm starting to I'm starting to get into the idea of taking slippers
Starting point is 00:18:55 with me wherever I go yeah but you're 45 now that's cool I'm not 40 I'm not 45
Starting point is 00:19:02 what you're 44 43 43 cool right okay listen Rob right that's fine your I'm not 45. What, you're 44? 43? 43. Cool, right, okay. Listen, Rob, right? That's fine. Your old father time's catching up with both of us.
Starting point is 00:19:10 Like, I wouldn't... Let me just say this now, right? I wouldn't have the same angst around someone who brought a book to a stag do now as I did when I was in my 20s or even my 30s, all right? I mean, a stag do in your 40s, what does that look like, do you think? Oh, man. I've got one coming up next year. Have you?
Starting point is 00:19:27 What are you planning on doing? Well, you know what? I mean, there's a lot to live up to for me. How do you mean? Well, I think stag do-wise, I did some of my best work on stag dos. Yeah, but, okay, can I give you a bit? Can I give, no, listen.
Starting point is 00:19:40 Well, before you make it casting dispersions, I need you to hear something. Okay, go on. I need you to hear something. Okay, go on. I need you to hear this. At three separate weddings, I got a call out, right, during the speeches about what a legend I was on the stag do.
Starting point is 00:19:55 That's one of the proudest things I've ever said in my life. The fact that that's one of the proudest things you've ever said in your life is what makes that so tragic. Hey, just think about it, right? I'm up there with the fucking father of the bride, the people who spawned and had the sex that fucking created the bride and groom, right?
Starting point is 00:20:10 I'm up there with the bride and groom. I'm up there with the best man. And in one of the situations, I was actually only just, I was going out with a girl who was friends with a woman getting married, right? So I wasn't even a massive part of the wedding party. But during this, like, best man speech,
Starting point is 00:20:24 what had you done? What had you done? I was just a really good, I don't know, just part of the wedding party. But during this Best Man speech... What had you done? I was just a really good... I don't know. Just a good laugh, I guess. Were you about to say I was just a really good bloke? Is that what you were going to say? No! Oh, my God!
Starting point is 00:20:34 Is that what you were going to say? No, I was going to say I was a good laugh! But you got a mention in the wedding speech just because you're a really good bloke. No! No, right. No. Look, the guy said at that Pacific one, right?
Starting point is 00:20:44 Yeah. He said, an honourable mention for Mr Tom Davis. No, right. No, look. The guy said at that Pacific one, right? Yeah. He said, an honourable mention for Mr Tom Davis, who kept the fun going the whole of the stag do. Yeah. Yeah. And can I tell you something?
Starting point is 00:20:58 Everybody that wasn't on that stag do thought, stay the fuck away from that bloke. Do you know what, Tom? I think I might be speaking... I'm just going to own up now. I think I might be speaking from a position of envy. No, listen. Stag do's for me...
Starting point is 00:21:11 Right, look. Do you know, they're a thing I'll remember longingly. And you're right. I'm 42. I'll be 43 for my next stag do.
Starting point is 00:21:20 What's that going to be like? It's going to be... You know, it won't be the same. There won't be... Can I give you a bit of advice? Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice there? There's a lot of things. I'm going to be like? It's going to be, you know, it won't be the same. There won't be the same. Can I give you a bit of advice? Go on. Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice here?
Starting point is 00:21:28 There's a lot of things. I'm going to pay a big compliment here. Yeah. There's a lot of things I've learned about life from you in our friendship together, right? And sometimes, even now,
Starting point is 00:21:37 just now as we've had this conversation, I've thought to myself, do you know what? Actually, what's wrong with Tom being a fun guy at a stag do? I'm being unfair what i want to just say to you is yeah on this stag do maybe it's better if you don't try and live up to past glories and just have a nice kind of quiet time because in all the films you know
Starting point is 00:22:00 all films like this where there's some guy what i don't want you to be is sort of like the Vince Vaughn character who keeps trying to revive this kind of old spirit. And he's trying to do like the old pranks and the old games and everyone else is going, oh, my God. We're just trying to have a nice weekend away at the vineyard. And you're just kind of getting your dick out of it. Their talk is Vegas at the moment. There's a lot of talk of Vegas.
Starting point is 00:22:22 Oh, really? Is it large Vegas or sort of quiet, sedate? Well, I know these guys. I think they'll go big. But also, there's a part of me that, I guess when I watch
Starting point is 00:22:32 Michael Jordan, the last time. Do you reckon you could swim me an invite to this? I'd quite like to be the Zach Galifianakis character. Well, you'd be more like Scottie Pippen.
Starting point is 00:22:39 What does that mean? Well, I'll be Michael Jordan, you'd be Scottie Pippen. Actually, they all like you a lot. They're big fans of your stuff. So, by Scottie Pippen, you mean the guy that was also on the team but ended up destitute? Well, no, you know what?
Starting point is 00:22:51 You know what? If you turn up, it could be an absolute revelation for me because, well, me and you, basically, I've got a ready-made, me and you could be the prankmeisters together. I'm not going to be the prankmeister with with you what i suspect will happen is i'll turn up and it'll be a weekend in vegas where i have to walk around naked because all of my clothes have been taken every time i buy clothes you'll set fire to them or something i wake up at 3am in some like vegas street strapped to a lamppost with a fucking ice pop up my anus.
Starting point is 00:23:29 You'll post the photo onto Instagram. Al sitting on his perch. The perch is a beer bottle you've inserted into it. It could be an absolute, it could be a lot of fun. If you want, look, I could start work now on getting you an invitation
Starting point is 00:23:45 you probably have to come out for the boys Christmas drink I'm not going to I'm not going to tag along to that that would be much as I'd love to but I think it's a bit tragic isn't it
Starting point is 00:23:54 what to turn up uninvited to a stag day I don't think no if he invites you I'm not going to try and now try and like like it's some sort of
Starting point is 00:24:01 fucking members club try and blag my way onto the stag day mate you know what you could do? If you treated him to first class tickets to Vegas, he might then be like, oh, actually, that'd be quite cool. Honestly, do you think so?
Starting point is 00:24:23 Oh, God. That'd be so fucking tragic, right because like we come from a similar area right so people there'll be a crossover if someone turns around and said did you hear about robin he pays six thousand pounds to go on a snack like fucking people like that. Also, there will always be people in the group just going,
Starting point is 00:24:48 fucking, what's that guy doing here? No one, like, oh yeah, he's like Tom's mate. Oh, they did a podcast.
Starting point is 00:24:54 Yeah, he brought like first class tickets for bloop, beep, bloop. Oh, hey guys,
Starting point is 00:25:00 hey guys, bit of a mad one for you, isn't it? Because it's like having the wolf and owl constantly throughout the stag day. I don't like podcasts, mate. I write a mad one for you, isn't it? Because it's like having the wolf and owl constantly throughout the Stag Day. I don't like podcasts, mate. I write a review saying as much on Apple.
Starting point is 00:25:12 Oh, God. Well, look, when I get married next, you can organise my Stag Day, mate. Actually, how is the Swan? How's the new house? New house is great. The Swan is absolutely delightful. Yeah, really good.
Starting point is 00:25:27 Really good. Really good. Oh, mate. Big news in the Ranganathan house. Go on. Last weekend. Go on. Puppy was selected.
Starting point is 00:25:36 Wowzers. Wowzers. He's going to be with us in three weeks' time. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Can I ask for some advice? Man, just love and cherish the little guy or girl. is your dog by the way he's good he's good he's he's um he's he can't go for too long walks because his wounds are pretty uh pretty bad still but um
Starting point is 00:25:58 is he nervous or is he like he's all right much generally actually um katherine has had like a it's been terrible for her she's really struggled getting out and like i think it like she she got quite banged up by the whole thing and it's actually just uh i think because it was all so you know the dog just came running out of this the hat this house and everything so i think for her it's been quite yeah quite traumatic so she's actually sort of sort of been a bit less confident about taking them out. So I've been sort of, uh, doing that for short walks and whatever.
Starting point is 00:26:29 But, uh, yeah, it's, it's, it's a horrible, you know, like,
Starting point is 00:26:32 you know, I think I mentioned this before, but the amount of people who've sort of reached out, it's been very lovely. And, but also you realize how many, how often this happens. So yeah,
Starting point is 00:26:39 it's, it's just a matter, I think, um, I mean, you haven't got to take the dog out for walks. And also you've probably you showed me
Starting point is 00:26:46 how big your new garden is you put that so he'll be able to run around there and get loads of exercise it's such a horrible thing to do because you haven't seen my garden and
Starting point is 00:26:58 so two things there you've implied I've got a massive garden that's like a big show off thing you also suggest that I'm the type of prick that would show you that. That I would get in touch with you and go, fucking check this out.
Starting point is 00:27:11 I've heard that getting a puppy is like having a baby. Is that true? Yeah, there's a lot going on, man. There's like, you're going to have like, you have to toilet train it hard. But also, it's an incredible time. It's going to be an amazing time
Starting point is 00:27:24 for the three boys man like genuinely they're going to love it they're very excited very excited yeah it's just yeah there's nothing better
Starting point is 00:27:31 before we started this podcast I was just lying on the sofa just there with my dog just watching Succession you know he watches TV my dog watches TV
Starting point is 00:27:39 jar of peanut butter what? he watches TV my dog he's a proper TV watching dog I thought dogs can't see can't see 2D images they can they just a proper tv watching dog i thought dogs can't see can't see 2d images they can they can't see red and green they just can't see red and yeah no they can see tv images now tvs are so high spec what do you mean now oh now i thought you meant
Starting point is 00:27:54 like dogs that advance themselves no no no tvs are so high spec now they could literally he could watch one of your shows and then make his mind up and whether he was a big fan of yours or not of your shows and then make his mind up on whether he was a big fan of yours or not. He can watch... That suggests that the advancement
Starting point is 00:28:07 is much more in the mental abilities of a dog. He will sit and watch a whole football match. Like, his attention will be like that. He'll have a little sleep
Starting point is 00:28:15 now and again, but most of us do. Yeah, but I mean, that's not a big thing, is it? I mean, a dog will work on its own testicles for an hour and a half,
Starting point is 00:28:22 isn't it? A dog sitting there... What are you going to be like, by the way, with it licking itself and stuff? What do you mean? Are you going to encourage it? Are you going to let him do it on the sofa and stuff? Are you going to let him sit on the sofa,
Starting point is 00:28:34 get in the bed? I don't know. We haven't figured out all the rules for that sort of stuff. Mate, get those rules in. Tell me where your dog's allowed to go in your house. Mate, he goes where he wants now. But is that because you chose to do it? That was because you...
Starting point is 00:28:44 Well, at the moment, he's essentially...'s like having sort of you know he's got ptsd and i'm you know i'm spoiling him a little bit too much uh yeah i mean that he does i'm not a big fan he'll get a line out but bed if there's a blanket there he comes on our sofa if we put a blanket on the sofa so we look yeah there's an element of but, let me just say one big bit of advice. Get a trainer. Or get a good recall on it. Really? Mate, there's nothing worse.
Starting point is 00:29:12 I know so many people who never spent the time getting a decent recall on their dog. So it's nothing like taking your dog out, watching it just run, and enjoy being out in the open space. But if you haven't got that recall, there's a good chance you won won't cut it or you're going to be one of those people like you know the guy that that clip that went viral when his dog's chasing the deer and he can't get him back okay number one there's a fallacy as well don't don't believe this right the leader of the pack thing right don't try and i know what you can be like don't over dominate i mean i can be
Starting point is 00:29:44 i'm not going to try and dominate what are you talking about no don't try and don't like some people get into their heads that they have to be like the dog's gonna question the leadership of the household right so it's usually a male thing men do this more more because men have more issues in that way right so you'll push you'll go, yeah, he might, he might do something that you will think, oh, he's questioning my, you know, he's questioning me.
Starting point is 00:30:09 So you'll sort of become like, there'll be, you know, he's not doing that. He's looking for affection. So, you know, masculinity and sort of like,
Starting point is 00:30:17 you know, that kind of sort of like show offy sort of vibe won't work with sometimes dogs. Little smile plays across your face as you drop another little bit of bullshit onto this podcast no no i'm just saying like look i'm giving you some friendly advice and put my arm if i'm sitting with you now my arms around you and i'm whispering softly into your ear okay i'm not i'm not planning on being dominant with the dog but some people do that's the truth of it i've got no like you can you can go online and some places
Starting point is 00:30:46 will say that that's what to do with a dog and it's not yeah dogs it's this leader of the pack thing
Starting point is 00:30:51 they're not wolves yeah no you're absolutely right you're absolutely right they're not wolves thank you for your advice if anybody's got any advice if anybody's
Starting point is 00:30:58 anybody's got some dog advice for how to look after this puppy please get in touch at wolfhowpod at gmail.com if you want to don't send pictures don't send pictures if you want to uh ever like just facetime when you're sort of with the dog and like just ask for advice i'm here for you buy loads of dog nappies as well dog nappies yeah did you right here we go you don't put them around their butt or their
Starting point is 00:31:18 private bits you just put them down they're like little blanket things you put down yeah little mats yeah you have to cover your whole floor in them? No, no, no. Well, you can, though. I mean, that's, you know, what you should be doing is training it to go on the mat and then you take the mat outside.
Starting point is 00:31:32 Oh, I see. And that's where, yeah. How long does that take? It depends what sort of, like, how intelligent your dog is. My dog's fiercely intelligent. I think my dog's probably, like, yeah, he'd have been, like,
Starting point is 00:31:44 probably a doctor or sort of, like, astronaut, he'd have been, like, probably a doctor or sort of, like, astronaut if he'd been a human. What are you basing that on? He's just really intelligent. He picks stuff up really quickly. Like what?
Starting point is 00:31:52 Uh, like, tricks. Uh, if you try and trick him, he'll, he'll basically know that you're trying to trick him off.
Starting point is 00:31:59 So you've been, so you think he'd be an astronaut because he's outsmarted you. That's basically the conclusion. Yeah, like a couple of times I've tried to trick him. But how? What have you done? So you try and prank your dog as well?
Starting point is 00:32:09 No, no, no. These are more like, I'll go like, right, so for example, like at the moment he's on antibiotics, right? So if you wrap them in cheese, he'd eat them. He then realised that there was antibiotics and tablets in the cheese, so he just chewed the cheese off and spat the antibiotics out. He was like, yeah, a bit like that sort of vibe. It's like if you tried to get him in the car at times,
Starting point is 00:32:31 he went through a phase where he just wouldn't get in the car. So you'd throw a treat in the car, and he'd then just stand up on his hind legs, pick out the treat and just walk off. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like someone in the family is not going to be an astronaut, if that's the sort of thing you're doing. It's quite...
Starting point is 00:32:48 Mate, wait till you've got a dog, then talk to me. Give it a year and a half. Okay. I think you're lucky, because Lisa's going to be a very good dog owner. Why are you being like this? Why am I not going to be a good dog owner?
Starting point is 00:32:57 You'll be a great dog owner, but you'll probably be a bit hungry. No, that's what you said. You said that's why it's good that Lisa's there. Catherine has done most of the hard work when it comes to her dog. Like, genuinely. Who's the one that's responsible for throwing's there. Catherine has done most of the hard work when it comes to her dog. Like, genuinely. Who's the one that's responsible for throwing the treat so close to the edge of the car
Starting point is 00:33:09 the dog can just eat it without getting in? No, well, that was me, wasn't it? You've got to sometimes think... My relationship with the dog has gone up and down. Sometimes you really, like... I know sometimes you just think I'm a bit of a wallow. But during lockdown, we've bonded more and more. That's lovely.
Starting point is 00:33:25 It's a lovely thing when you bond with a man. But you're a great father, so you'll be a great dog owner. I have no doubt in that. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it.
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Starting point is 00:34:42 do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Do you let your dog lick your face? No, I can't get into that. You know, every now and again, I've seen it a lot on TikTok. By the way, TikTok has started to become a problem for me, just so you know. What, you're watching it so much? All the time.
Starting point is 00:35:12 Really? Yeah, just like, I just start flicking through, and then like next thing I know, like 35 minutes, 40 minutes, it's gone. You know what? So I've only got a TikTok app on my phone, right? One of my biggest breakthroughs, my screen time on my phone was down 13% this week. That's one of your biggest breakthroughs?
Starting point is 00:35:31 And was that deliberate? Yeah, I'm just trying to cut down. It's a fuck fest, man. I don't need anything more than Instagram and Twitter. I hardly go on Twitter, but Instagram itself is just... So what are you down to? What, 19 hours hours based on how much you you post a lot on instagram a lot yeah but then i don't look at it as much i used to
Starting point is 00:35:52 how do i re-look at it screen time let me have a look at my screen time actually i'm gonna see how do you find it i think it's in settings daily daily average at the moment is 2.52 hours. That's so long, isn't it? Daily average? What the fuck? What's your daily average? Three hours, five
Starting point is 00:36:18 minutes. This can't be right. Go on. Seven hours, 44 minutes. Jeez, boy. And that says it's down 40% from last week. Go on. Seven hours, 44 minutes. Jeez, boy. How can that be? And that says it's down 40% from last week. That can't be right. What the fuck is... This can't be right. Mate, I look at it right.
Starting point is 00:36:33 I mean, it's insane when you look at this. And Instagram... I've got a serious fucking problem here. Instagram, I'm 36 minutes a day on Instagram. Okay, do you want to hear mine? Go on. Netflix is the biggest one for me.
Starting point is 00:36:48 Yeah, but okay. You've just broken the mold a bit. Are you watching stuff on Netflix on your phone? Then be easy on yourself here.
Starting point is 00:36:56 Because how long is Netflix? Three hours and three and a half hours. Yeah. So then put it down to say that's
Starting point is 00:37:01 four and a half hours. So you've got to go easy. That's still a lot though. Yeah. What's your next tiktok 48 minutes instagram 37 minutes so you what's that 33 minutes mate do you know my average on whatsapp four minutes my longest is instagram at 36 minutes next is twitter at 12 minutes i've really got a fucking problem here man jesus well see what
Starting point is 00:37:25 surprised me is dream team i only did 16 seconds on that today i only looked into my team quite quickly wow this is incredible i didn't know you could look at this i i i okay i need to look at my phone less man this time this time next week i'm cutting this all down by 50 right should we should we both look yeah uh next week, right? Yeah. Let's both take a screen grab now. Mate, TikTok, nine hours. What, during a week?
Starting point is 00:37:51 Yeah. That's incredible. I've got a real problem. Jesus. That is madness. This has been a real eye-opener for me. Do you know what? What?
Starting point is 00:37:59 Now you have to look at it and just go, you know, change up, baby. Okay, guys. Wolf and Al are going to be reducing their screen time. This is our new mission. All right, okay. Should we do some emails? Because I need to stop thinking about this because it's... Jesus, that's unbearable.
Starting point is 00:38:15 Well, let's think about other people's problems for a while. Yeah. Okay. Hello, Shaggers. Wow, that's a big open yeah my name is i'm not going to say the name uh you can call me the chimp i'm 24 years old and i've searing back pain i promised my other half it's all down to our terrible mattress we had to invest in a new one asap she was reluctant and she'd spent an entire pregnancy on this mattress which of course creates the worst back pain and didn't
Starting point is 00:38:42 think the mattress was adding to her pain she instead suggested i go to a back doctor and have the pain cracked out of me i declined put my foot down and insisted on buying a brand new 1000 holy shit spent a grand on this thing bed the bed arrived and my back still hurts she was right oh mate you're having an absolute nightmare how do i tell my partner that i only we one grand down with a young baby crawling around but that we should also fund me seeing a chiropractor or do i just bite the bullet and take the pain for the rest of my life cheers for reading p.s can tom send me the picture of his doppelganger with the bear not in a weird way i'm just very into lookalikes he sent his phone number as well for you to do that um as much i love you and thank you for listening i'm not gonna
Starting point is 00:39:22 text you do have you you do have boundaries yeah I do because you know what I've had my fingers burnt on this situation well what's happened someone sent me a while ago on Instagram oh can you please do me a message for someone a friend of theirs had been ill
Starting point is 00:39:39 so I was like yeah cool I whatsapped them a video of me saying I hope it gets well soon and then that started a conversation with this person So I was like, yeah, cool. I WhatsAppped them a video of me saying, I hope it gets well soon. And then that started a conversation with this person. He decided to get in touch all the time about anything. And if I didn't reply back within 12 hours, he could be very, very aggressive.
Starting point is 00:39:59 So, yeah, I learnt my lesson big style there. Okay. Well, can you give the chimp some advice on this situation, please? Number one, you should have definitely gone and got your back sorted out. I mean, it's a weird move, isn't it, to go with the bed over just seeing a chiropractor? You haven't sort of said why you were so anti that. Well, you know what? There's someone who suffers from back pain a lot.
Starting point is 00:40:23 Acupuncture's amazing. A number of back robs I had to give you on King Gary. Break out some massage oil and just get loose. Long body. I find it mad that you went out and spent £1,000 on a mattress when you could have easily just gone and at least seen a back specialist to find out what the problem was. I think in this situation, my brother,
Starting point is 00:40:44 you're going to have to bite the bullet, i think in this situation my brother um you're gonna have to bite the bullet turn around to your to your wife your girlfriend and and say look matt i'm really really sorry uh it's not the mattress number one you should both be happy because it's very very important we spend a lot of time in beds you wouldn't even think twice about spending that on a holiday that's what a mattress salesman told me once so don't feel too bad if you had a shitty lumpy old number i wonder what the i wonder what a mattress salesman told me once. So, don't feel too bad if you had a shitty, lumpy old young boy. I wonder what the mattress salesman's incentive was to say that. It's weird. You're such a little
Starting point is 00:41:12 snake. You're so happy with yourself. Sitting there like with a dog with two dicks. Just really happy with yourself. That was such a mock the week kind of vibe. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, God. Kill me. Why did you ruin it like that? I was having a that was such like mock the week kind of vibe oh god yeah kill me why'd you ruin it like that I was having a nice moment there
Starting point is 00:41:30 and then you just kind of ruined it yeah but brother you need to just sit your missus down and say look I got this one wrong and I'm in serious serious pain the bed isn't helping hopefully she's getting good sleep and hopefully that bed is
Starting point is 00:41:45 sorting her out but uh and then get yourself down uh i would suggest going to see a osteopath i went and saw a guy and it's completely revolutionized my life i thought i was having problems with my lower back turns out it was a lot of stress i was putting on my upper back that since i had some exercises which i'm doing a lot of breathing a little bit of meditating big teeth back in the house and as loose as a goose feast um a couple of things i'm going to say to you first of all you need to flip your perspective on this right the way around you've got yourself a new bed my friend and your wife has just given birth and she's now got a nice lovely comfortable bed one of the things so let me just tell you something i used to have a thing where when we
Starting point is 00:42:33 first had kids i wasn't sleeping very well you know because the kids get you up and stuff like that and i remember thinking i need to try and catch up on my sleep and then that feeling carried on and carried on and carried on and eventually i got to the point where i just thought oh i'm just going to spend the rest of my life tired right i just realized that was a situation and so what i would do is i would not sleep very well and then i would get up and i'd go to work and i'd be knackered and so i do have a load of caffeine to sort of buzz me up and get me through it i have totally changed my attitude towards this right i have discovered the art of effective napping and i'm telling you now it's a fucking game changer right prioritize napping if you're tired just a little 20 minute
Starting point is 00:43:20 25 minute thing here or there it will change your life you wake up refreshed you're ready to tackle the next now listen i realize i'm in a luxurious position of being able to do that not everyone can do that but i'm saying sleep prioritize sleep that is my message to all of you all right projects tom's yawning as i'm saying no no it made me think i don't know i don't know if he's agreeing with me i'm me generally this has been this is like this is your preach moment and i'm completely with you at this so listen that's a great thing that you've got a nice bed but yeah the back thing i'm going to tell you now if you don't get that sort of don't know you're 24 you don't get that sort of don't know you're looking at
Starting point is 00:44:02 dealing with this for the rest of your life and you don't want that. And the thing is, if you try and continue to live with your back pain, the side effects of that is you're going to be snappier with your misses. You're not going to be as sort of patient with your kid because when you have like an ongoing pain like that, that sits in the back of your head this whole time, you can't be a hundred percent. Your attitude's not a hundred percent. Your general kind of demeanor is not 100 so do yourself a favor take yourself to an osteopath and you do you that's nice advice man yeah i mean i just copied you a little yeah yeah but the actual stuff about the napping was very interesting okay great i actually would love i think that'd be quite a nice thing if you take little videos of yourself napping
Starting point is 00:44:43 and put it up on social media. One of my biggest bugbears is people that post photos of themselves asleep. Yeah, I know. It's such a douchebag thing to do. I hate it so much. I cannot stand it. That's fine.
Starting point is 00:44:56 I absolutely cannot stand it. That is one of the things I automatically just fucking hate someone. Mate! There has to be a lot of goodwill in the bank for me to still like somebody
Starting point is 00:45:08 that means one of two things you're taking a selfie of yourself sleeping or you're you've got someone else involved in the scandalous act
Starting point is 00:45:16 of going hey um is it right if you just just sort of I'm going to close my eyes and return them to sleep can you just take take your fish
Starting point is 00:45:22 or or even if they've taken a photo of you asleep the decision to post it unless something's spilt on you or your your doobay's on fire
Starting point is 00:45:32 or something funny you can tell the difference by the way of someone who's properly fucking asleep catching some Z's and someone who's fucking
Starting point is 00:45:38 that's by the way a great stag do prank that's right back right catching someone properly asleep on a stag do. That's going up on Instagram. And that person will go,
Starting point is 00:45:48 oh no, please don't put that picture up. Don't go, oh yeah, stick it up. That looks cool. Because everyone who does those pictures always has this sort of melancholy,
Starting point is 00:45:56 angelic, angelic sort of face of like, and that's not how people look when they're like, yeah, sort of little smirk almost on their face. I know. How you actually sleep is just mouth open, drool. Mate, when you're actually really asleep,
Starting point is 00:46:10 genuinely you look like you've taken a right hander off someone like Mike Tyson. I'm a really ugly sleeper. I'm a disgusting sleeper. Oh, it's horrible. I imagine that Lisa sometimes looks across at me, sort of asleep and just thinks, oh, God, how did this happen? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:27 Look at him. I hope he stays like that. The only peaceful sleep I'll ever have is the last one. Up until then it's a loud fucking, yeah, like genuinely like some kind of fucking farmyard animal. Yeah, I'm really bad. I'm really bad. Do you I'm really bad. Yeah. Do you snore?
Starting point is 00:46:45 Are you a snorer? I didn't think I did, but Lisa's told me occasionally I have to. Yeah, I sometimes snore. It's like, yeah. It's genuinely one of the most
Starting point is 00:46:54 off-putting things. Guffing and fucking snoring. No. Did you find it funny saying guffing there? Because you sort of laughed off you said it. Is that the first time
Starting point is 00:47:03 in a while you... It's the first time in a while you've said it, isn't it? I haven't said guffing for a while. Who's done a guffing there because you sort of laughed off you said it. Is that the first time in a while you said it? I haven't said guffing for a while. Who's done a guff? Okay. I hope that helps. Chimp, good luck.
Starting point is 00:47:18 This is from, well, if I tell you it's from, it sort of gives away the content of the email. So, Dear Swan, Wolf, Owl and Humble Cat, I'm in a relationship with a partner it sort of gives away the content of the email, but so dear Swan, Wolf,
Starting point is 00:47:25 Al and humble cat. I'm in a relationship with a partner who I love and think the world of and promote honesty. Although one lie was kept in our relationship, the activity of personal time. I never told my partner would speak to my friends about this. And they would also carry out the activity secretly planning to poo or having a bath must be common,
Starting point is 00:47:43 but I believe, do you know what they're talking about? Yeah but i believe honesty is the key so i came out to my partner to such relief she replied she also does a secret activity and also her friends do too i wondered whether you find folk carry out this activity and whether by doing this is offensive to your other half you're sincerely the wanking monkey is he basically asking do we like knocking one out i guess that's what the question is is it normal to be wanking i guess he basically asking do we like knocking one out i guess that's what the question is is it normal to be wanking i guess is the question well yeah i mean i guess to i mean he sounds like he really likes to go in but i mean i guess to a certain level that's going to happen
Starting point is 00:48:17 right i mean i don't think it's abnormal i'm gonna i just want to unpack this a little bit, okay? Because, first of all, the swan chooses the emails, as we know. And this email... There's somebody asking us if we wank. And I can't help feeling that the swan maybe felt like I've been taking too long in the shower, and she's trying to divulge... She found an old rugby sock under the bed. Yeah, a little crispy bit of cotton under the... Have you talked to Catherine about wanking ever?
Starting point is 00:48:59 No, not really. It's not something that we... Do you think that Catherine believes that you masturbate? Yeah I think she probably does yeah I mean I don't know I think it's I think that in its very essence
Starting point is 00:49:13 the fact it's been called a private moment I think is something that is sort of a private moment but I think yeah I mean
Starting point is 00:49:22 I think everyone just assumes that that's what people do right? Have you and Lisa discussed it in any depth? No. Really? No, we haven't. Yeah. And we kind of talk about everything,
Starting point is 00:49:33 but we've never talked about that. So I don't know, maybe that's a problem. I've never really talked about it. Do you think she, because I know you, you love a wank. I just did that for effect. I wanted to see your face. Yeah, go on. I just love it. I just love it.
Starting point is 00:49:55 That was your role within the stack, Dave. Oh, yeah, yeah, get him along. But you know he loves a wank. Oh, he loves a wank. You had him back. You had him back earlier? Get yourself sorted out, mate. You had a Wi-Fi and hotel shit, mate.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Just before you head off. Oh, fuck's sake. But listen, you know, in all honesty, I don't wank ever. So... Yeah, I mean, yeah. You're a gentleman. And, yeah, I just think... I think some're a gentleman and yeah I just think
Starting point is 00:50:26 I think some things are just yeah yeah keep that on the down low or whatever I don't really know
Starting point is 00:50:33 what the question was what I haven't asked is if the swan does yeah yeah that'd be interesting to know yeah maybe that's a question
Starting point is 00:50:40 you should ask her instead of announcing on the podcast I think I'll ask her rather than speculating openly on this podcast that she's going to listen to down the line. Oh, God. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:50:59 Wanky monkey. I hope that's sort of it. Just text her now what you're up to. Just read the second email that you put in. What are you up to just read the second email that you put in oh god anyway i hope that helps i don't know that it helps you just sort of intrigued wolf owl swan this is from the honey badger wow second honey badger we've had one of these before honey bad is quite a popular animal isn't it because evidently yeah well no have you watched the youtube videos about the honey badger no oh maybe i did yeah yeah it's like a proper hardcore animal uh wolf owl and the swan how is the skin
Starting point is 00:51:34 of a potato so strong a baked tatty and a roast taste so different yeah basically the same what you do is peel and boil for about five minutes and they taste so different also if you're a potato how would you want to be cooked? Has this blown your mind like it did mine? Thanks for keeping us all entertained. The Honey Badger. Maybe my favourite email of all time. I was literally about to say,
Starting point is 00:51:54 I don't know why this one's chosen this email. I really like this one. It's out there. Okay, go on. Straight away, I don't think there's a more noble and satisfying way for a potato to be cooked than to be roasted. I think, yeah, I think to be roasted is an honour if you're amongst a potato family.
Starting point is 00:52:12 I think, yeah, if you're sitting in a bag of potatoes with your brothers and sisters and your kin, and, you know, a few of them are dragged out to just make a simple mash, you're like, oh, fucking hell. You know, if you can make it through to Sunday and you're in a big bag of potatoes you know you've almost yeah you've won i guess and that's the uh that's the biggest honor i think that could be bestowed upon any of us it's almost like winning an oscar or being knighted or whatever um so yeah uh i'd love to be roasted um so in answer your question that is that is how tom davis
Starting point is 00:52:45 says he likes roast potatoes that that is how long that takes for him to say that question she asked how we like to be cooked listen can i tell you something mashed potato i can't believe you insulted mashed potato like that no you you you cast aspersions on mashed potato just now in your answer, bro. Mashed potato is delightful. When you get it nicely whipped up, all like pomme puree style.
Starting point is 00:53:13 Oh my God. Yeah. That is comfort food. Right. Here's, yeah, I'd go, right, roast potato, jacket potato, triple cooked fries. Then I'd probably go mash mash then you've got like
Starting point is 00:53:27 a fondant potato saying posh that's just too you're never had it never incredible bit of kit man if you can do them but they get sport incredible bit of kit but it's sixth on your list yeah but mate you know what sits there because a lot of time people fuck up and they're not you know right so i don't think that's really fair. You're not comparing like for like then, are you? Fondant potatoes are normally amazing, but people mostly fuck it up. So shit fondant potatoes here. Right.
Starting point is 00:53:51 Do you know what's bottom of the list? What? Boiled potatoes. Yeah. Fuck boiled potatoes. Boiled potatoes, yeah. Why does anybody do that to potatoes? What are you doing?
Starting point is 00:54:01 You've got to get it... What are you doing? Would you... If you went to someone's house and they gave you boiled potatoes what would you do just what just a plate of boiled potatoes
Starting point is 00:54:09 no no if they gave you a meal and the potato was boiled I'd take that as a slap in the face why would you take it as a slap in the face
Starting point is 00:54:17 if I went to someone's house and I looked upon the table and they just boiled a potato I'd be like alright oh this is let's enjoy this last meal together as friends. Yeah, I would do that.
Starting point is 00:54:29 I would say, if somebody boiled potatoes when I went round, I'm not going round for dinner again. I wouldn't talk to them again. I would get through the meal. Would you tell them what you were doing? I would get through the meal. Would you eat the potatoes? Maybe I'd try them to see what the fuss is all about.
Starting point is 00:54:45 But I tell you what, at the end of the meal, I'd be turning around and I'd say, oh, see ya. Bye, good luck with the rest of your life. You'd say good luck with the rest of your life?
Starting point is 00:54:52 Maybe. And then what if, okay, let's role play this. Yeah. Tom, thanks so much. Thanks so much for coming around for dinner. Yeah, cool. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:55:00 Cheers. Well, yeah. Thanks for having us. We should do it again sometime. Maybe you came to us this time. We should come to you. Cheers. Well, yeah. Thanks for having us. We should do it again sometime. Maybe you came to us this time. We should come to you next time. I think, you know, on the basis of effort put in, maybe. How do you mean?
Starting point is 00:55:15 Well, I thought the meagre offering of boiled potatoes was quite frankly offensive to me, my wife, and everyone else who was here. Oh. Yeah, I think it's, yeah. The rangonassons left early. I'm sorry you feel like that. Why didn't you like it?
Starting point is 00:55:29 Because boiled potatoes. Yeah. Yes. There's no effort put in there. There's so many different things you can do with a potato and you've not just mugged everyone who sat at that table off, you've mugged the potatoes off as well. But we just felt like we were doing a fresh kind of spring meal
Starting point is 00:55:43 and boiled potatoes are kind of the best way to, didn't want anything you were being lazy you couldn't be bothered to do anything with any more oh well i think that's a little bit unfair tom well i think i could be more unfair we served it with a we served it with a wagyu steak despite my veganism i wanted to sort of make you feel yeah welcome yeah which if i'm going to be really really that wasn't a wagyu steak that was a supermarket steak that you dressed up. And if you applied the same thing with the potatoes, you'd still have a friend in me. So God bless you, good night,
Starting point is 00:56:14 and, yeah, good luck with the rest of your life. But you actually, I thought, were you not staying over then? Well, no, we were going to, but now we're going to get a taxi home, which is going to cost me. What about the, are we still going to do the podcast? Well, yeah, because it's quite lucrative now. Yeah, I mean, as
Starting point is 00:56:34 role players go, I would argue that it needed an ending. But I got the idea. Once upon a time, I almost left the barbecue because he didn't have brioche buns. Friend of mine. I found that a real trouble as well. Brioche buns friend of mine i found that a real trouble as well brioche buns i think now it's too fat at the time it's probably 2014 15 brioche buns were just coming out and by god they took the world by storm yeah once you've had the salty
Starting point is 00:56:55 meat in a sweet bun you will never look back my friend um or even oh actually let me just shout out something by the way while i'm here and'm digressing and I'm dropping some truth bombs. Let me explode another one. Costa Coffee at the moment are doing a vacant role that is unbelievable. Okay, Tom, can I tell you something? Genuinely, I was going to mention on this podcast, I think that role is a piece of shit. What?
Starting point is 00:57:23 Are you joking me? No. What? I was going to complain on this podcast about it. Mate, I had one the other day. I know you're talking about the vegan bacon bat thing, aren't you?
Starting point is 00:57:31 I loved it. In the brioche bun. Yeah. It's horrendous. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Let me tell you my problem with it. Go on, hit me. The bread to bacon ratio,
Starting point is 00:57:40 unacceptable. There's too much bread for bacon. I kind of make you right on that, yeah. Yeah. Secondly, it's £3.95. It's too much bread for a I kind of make you right on that, yeah. Yeah. Secondly, it's £3.95. It's Trumpy. But you vegans are out.
Starting point is 00:57:50 That is ridiculous. Yeah, but you vegans are out. That's a vegan thing, man. What do you mean? That's a vegan thing. Well, you've outpriced yourself in the market, haven't you?
Starting point is 00:57:57 What do you mean outpriced? How have I made that £3.95? Because you're always quite sort of like, there's nowhere else you can go and get such delights.
Starting point is 00:58:05 What we need to do is start pushing this kind of agenda so more and more people are doing it. Yeah, but that's exactly the opposite of what people want from vegans. People are always going on about how vegans go on about too much. I'm going to shout out now. Let me just shout out. I've even made a note. I had some fucking fake chicken the other day.
Starting point is 00:58:22 This isn't chicken? No, it was taste and glory. Have you had chicken? No, it was Taste and Glory. Have you had it? No, never. Incredible. Yeah? Generally incredible. At the moment,
Starting point is 00:58:32 everyone's big in the game. There's a lot of incredible fake meat knocking around, right? I really enjoyed that. But then, do you know what I did this morning? I made a faking sandwich,
Starting point is 00:58:40 a faking brioche roll, and I added more. But then my whole house stank of frezzles for... At first, I kind of liked it. That's not a bad thing, is it? Yeah, but But then my whole house stank of frezzles for... At first, I kind of liked it. That's not a bad thing, is it?
Starting point is 00:58:47 Yeah, but for 12 hours it stank of frezzles. It still stinks of them now. Right, well, look, I hope we answered
Starting point is 00:58:53 your question, Honey Badger. Take care of yourself. Tomo, it's about that time, my G. I would love for you to do us
Starting point is 00:59:04 the honour of taking us out yo hey guys as the nights draw in and the stars begin to shine and the moon seems brighter than it ever has I want you to do one thing for your old friend Tom Davis
Starting point is 00:59:18 and your friend Romesh Ranganathan I want every now and again you to spy a little look at the moon peering down at you. And I want you to do a little dance. You don't need no music. All you need is a feeling of rhythm and freedom. Someone once told me and it became a meme
Starting point is 00:59:38 and something that people put up on their Instagram pages of like dance like no one's watching. I don't entirely believe that. I think of like dance like no one's watching I don't entirely believe that I think you should dance like everyone's watching because dancing is enjoyable and it's free and it feels good so I'm not asking
Starting point is 00:59:56 you to be Fred Astaire or Anton Debeck or one of the other ones from Strictly I'm just saying let your limbs go and for just for a few seconds let the air take you and be you you got this really nice really really nice tom and i really had to dig for that one because i was still sort of kind of wired up about the potatoes mashed potato okay listen I want to do a I want to do a survey
Starting point is 01:00:26 on this yo hit it up can you get in touch wolfoutpod.gmail.com favourite way to eat potatoes as always
Starting point is 01:00:33 sending pictures of you eating your favourite potato do not do not do not send pictures I would love to know just on the
Starting point is 01:00:40 roast potato front anybody that's got a great way of making them one of your best friends sitting right here has I'm an incredible roast potato front. Anybody that's got a great way of making them. One of your best friends sitting right here has. I'm an incredible roast potato chef.
Starting point is 01:00:49 Do you add Marmite? No, I've never done that. That's some good shit. Add a little bit of salmonella or a bit of white flour. Salmonella? What did you just say? Thanks for listening, guys.
Starting point is 01:01:06 See you next time what am I thinking oh my god oh my god

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