Wolf and Owl - Episode 50

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

We’re talking… nose hair, clever dinosaurs, celebs and politics, Rom as a Crawley Councillor, chatting to supermarket staff and working on the trollies. Then after a quick James Bond review from Tom, we answer email questions on getting your teeth straightened, helping out at your kid’s school and Christmas present inspiration. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler Both of them are known To pull up at your shows

Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill Never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing Welcome Oh baby To the Wolf and Owl podcast. We're going to be doing more unplanned improv, but it's not as good as we think it is.

Wolf and Owl podcast. You know, because we're recording the visuals of this, I can't tell you how to look to see if I've got a bat in a cave, if I've got a bogey in my nose. Do you ever have that? Yeah, I do have it, Tom. I had it on one of our very first Instagram Lives. I can't tell you how to look see if I've got a bat in the cave if I've got a bogey in my nose do you ever have that yeah I

do have it Tom I had it on one of our very first Instagram lives

it was really horrible because it was really horrible because we were doing the

live and then you sort of went and then I think maybe a mate of

mine was watching and like messaged me again you've got a bogey in your nose and then you were like I think it was like

messaged on the bottom and you were like oh oh oh I'm older than me mate somebody's saying you've got a bogey in your nose and then because

the first oh fucking hell because I could see my face in the thing I fucking checked on the phone so I've literally just gone to examine it

on the live horrendous my nose I've noticed is come to examine it on the live. Horrendous. My nose, I've noticed, is like everyone's. You get to an age, it's getting hairier. And I noticed like this. I reckon at least three times a day, I have like an unwanted visitor in my nose.

Really? Yeah. Do you trim your nose, Ed? Do you know what I was getting done before, right? Is I was having the thing when they put the wax in your nose. Yeah, I've done that. They get the buds or whatever. They put the wax yeah i've done that they don't get they get the the buds or whatever they put the wax but that actually destroys your sense of smelling is that true yeah you need a certain amount of hairs in your nose like that's like i don't think that's i don't think you need hair in your nose to smell because i had all of

my hair removed and i could smell fine i think what you're talking about, Tom, is COVID-19. No. No, the other thing, right, is there's a reason for the hair being there, right? What you have to get into your... Yeah, it's to stop shit getting into your system. Yeah, exactly. That's what everything, like when we were designed as human beings, right, everything was thought of. Do you believe in God, does that mean? No, no, I'm not saying I believe in God.

Someone's designed us. Someone's gone to meticulous effort. So if you don't think it's God, who No, I'm not saying I believe in God. Someone's designed this. Someone's gone to meticulous effort. So if you don't think it's God, who do you think it is? I don't know. Just probably, if it wasn't God, maybe clever dinosaurs. I'm not trying to think now. Atmorphic dinosaurs. Who's got the best

best dexterity to do that clever girl yeah like a T-Rex would be able to like none of them had like

sort of hands really apart from T-Rex what is it I fuck like I still to this day love dinosaurs

I don't think they can bring out a Jurassic Park film that I will not be that I will not go to the cinema to watch man like I don't know how shit bring out a Jurassic Park film that I will not go to the cinema to watch, man. I don't know how shit they'd have to make it for me to not like it. I love the thought of it.

Well, it scares the shit out of me if I think about them coming back. When you say scares the shit out of you, what you mean is you wouldn't want it to happen. You're sitting there terrified. Please tell me you don't on occasion just shudder at the thought of them happen. You're not sitting there terrified. You don't, please tell me you don't on occasion, this like shudder at the thought of them.

No, now, now and again, I'll be walking down the street or I'll be doing something. I think fucking hell, man, if dinosaurs came back, we,

I'd be fucked right in this situation. Well, most situations. Yeah. Tell me a situation where you wouldn't be fucked if dinosaurs were back. Uh, I think if you lived on the top of a, actually,

you know, so if you lived on a big of a... Actually, no. If you lived on a big hill, but then the flying ones would get you. Yeah, I mean, that's the trouble with dinosaurs. They've got all ends covered. Absolutely right. Except for meteorites.

Yeah, yeah. Famously. I didn't realise how scary the flying ones were until I watched that bloody film with the aviary, whichever one that was, number three. Yeah. I think the flying ones are almost... And they've got like small dinosaur syndrome so they've got a lot more anger how well do you know these films by the way uh i know relatively well i watched the first first few i like chris pratt in anything i think chris pratt's like an exceptional human being

he's chris pratt is the sort of person I'd just like to just put my arm around and wait, mate, you're fucking all right, geezer, you. Why would you like to do that? I don't know,

because it feels like he's a decent bloke. Yeah, but why do you have to invade his personal space? You can just tell him, or you can message him, send him an email or whatever. I could message him now and say that on Instagram. Yeah,

exactly. Yeah. It's not, it's not an impossible dream, is it? I don't know why you have to have your arm around him. In fact, I would say there's an argument

in all truth because Chris Pratt seems like a really nice part. I fucking love Guardians of the Galaxy, Parks and Rec, all of that. Jurassic Park, I think he's great.

I think he's actually, he'd be a good president. He would, though. This is part of the problem with society, do you know that? It's things like that. Is it people with society do you know that is things like that is that people who think you know who like celebrities think they'd be good at something else it's far

beyond their fucking remake be honest be honest who could be doing a worse job than the people doing it right now who could be doing the worst job than joe biden you know what if josie gibson i've just been watching josie gibson on gmt, right? If Josie Gibson said I'm running for Parliament, I'd go, fucking hell, you might as well. Yeah, and that's exactly why people are so fucking, that is so dumb, what you just said. Like, I love you, but it's one of the dumbest, because somebody says something like, you know what happens? You know what the problem is? If people watch somebody on TV, they'll see a celebrity and they'll go, do you know what? Actually, what I think

we need to do maybe focus on feeding children and then people get on Twitter people like you get on there and go

do you know what finally I'd love to see someone with that kind of common sense thinking actually running the country maybe things would be a bit better

let me just say something what are you talking about imagine what Josie Gibson's first day looks like on the job of fucking running the country. How do you think she'd do? I genuinely think, number one,

she'd be absolutely delighted to be there. I've just watched her. She's plugging for Holly. She's filling in for Holly on this morning. Never have I been so happy to see her. You're like, oh, you know what? She's really going to enjoy today. She'll tell everyone that she meets about it.

Yeah, sure, sure. Do you know what? I thought she really handled the link to the cooking item well enough that I think she should run the economy. Right, listen to me, right? I'm not saying definitely Josie Gibson. I'm not saying definitely Josie Gibson. My point is this.

A handful of weeks, if I throw back long enough, I visited the Oxford debate union, right, as a part of league of their own right so we're there with all of someone turned around and said the next prime minister could be in this room right i looked around and i'm gonna tell you now i didn't feel a lot of hope in my soul i looked around the room i thought oh great why because just because i looked around and just thought what you need is i'll tell you who I'll tell you who you need, mate. I'll tell you who you need, right?

Is someone like, remember Tony Benn? Yeah. That's someone we need to run this country at the moment. He was incredible. Tony Benn, I will accept as a suggestion. Right? Right. Because there's some sort of level of qualification.

I realise there's a long, big space between Tony Benn and Josie Gibson, right? And I can tell you now... I reckon there's seven or eight people that fit in between that space. Right. I'm not saying that Josie Gibson is the way, right? I'm just saying this...

You did say that. You did say that. All I'm saying is, Josie Gibson, right, and Chris Pratt, and people who have a positive attitude and get on with stuff, right, and through all kinds of, like, you know, hurdles within their life. What I'm telling you is this. The person I would like to run this country is someone who's lived a bit.

Someone who's been out there to graft it. Someone who doesn't come from a place where everything's always been okay. I understand that. Who's had to eat a little bit of shit with a wooden spoon. That's what I'm saying. And that is... You know what? If you were going to run

for, like, town council and then work your way up the shitty pole... So Josie Gibson runs the country and I go for town council, do I? No. No, I'm just saying...

No, I'm saying if you were to say to me... Let me tell you what just happened there. Your eyes lit up and you're about to, like, tell me that... You're about to say

that I could run something and then you thought, I'll run with it. Let me just bring this down and peg will turn to tell me that you're about to say that I could run something. And then you thought, I'll run it with it. Let me just bring this down a peg or two because let me think about, let me just scale this down based on the level of respect I actually have for this man. And you said I can be town council. Right. No, no, just get this scenario. And by the way,

that's not even a fucking massive leap, by the way. That's not a huge accolade. I could be a member of Crawley Town Council. We don't disrespect the Crawley Council. They do a great job. But the point I'm trying to make is, don't make it sound like that's the same as me

becoming the new fucking Iron Man. You know what I mean? No, right, listen. Right, listen to me. Let's play this scenario out, right? Okay, I'm sitting in bed. It's Sunday morning. I've got the papers in front of me.

I'm probably shaking my head going, Do you read the Sunday papers? Yeah, I like a little chill. You get a physical newspaper still? Yeah, I love it. It's one of my favourite things. I actually like that. I said it quite accusatively.

I like a pan of chocolate. I like a pan of chocolate. And where does that come from? Usually we get one of those little bags, the frozen ones. So I cook it. Oh, and then heat it up in the morning? Yeah.

Oh, mate. Do you know what? Can I tell you something, Tom? You know how to live life, mate. I like that about you. And then I'll have a coffee. Me and Catherine will sit there. We'll look, you know, read the magazines,

read the papers. You do that thing where, like, you'll see a story that's interesting. You go, that's a funny one, isn't it? Yeah, no, I'll look around and go, hmm, look at this. I mean, i read the sports papers first and then i'll work my way from the back to the front look so i'm laying in bed right my phone rings right i pick up the phone out of breath you're on the other end of the phone you know tom tom and i'm like who's

this yeah it's me bloody rubbish and i, oh, I really should save your number. Right? And you're like, I've had a revelation. I'm going to run for town council. There's no way in a million earth turns, right, that I would not fucking, I would go. Why can you not say, why can't you just say years? I don't know.

I wanted to make it more spectacular. Right. And an earth turn is a day by the way what you just said is there's no way in a million days i actually didn't thought it was a year anyway right i would turn around and go you know what mate you fucking got this and i think you could probably run for local council like of surrey and then work your way up and i will help you mean what do you mean work my way up i'm asking if i can be crawley council no you'd be crawley council you'd be so good at it i bet that the people of the surrey squad would come up and go hey and they'd go they'd go romesh you're doing well in crawley which is in west sussex

they didn't come to you right right and i'll probably be headhunted by another county yeah they'll come to you and go look we think you've got county written all over you you could you could run a county easily. And still be able to do all your other numerous activities, right? You are then like, you call me again, you're like, mate, I'm moving up to the county leagues now. I can't fucking believe it, mate.

I'm like, I can, because you're bloody brilliant. My voice is, by the way, my voice is getting worse now. There's a level of shitty impression that I've just accepted over these last few weeks. And I've had to sort of accept, by the way, not down to me, it's not what I want, but it turns out that your impression of me is quite

popular amongst the nest of pricks that listen to this podcast. So I've had to accept it. And now what you're doing is you're fucking ratcheting it up. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because this is your political voice, right? This is your, yeah, because now you're in politics. You've had to, you can't speak like that all the time.

You've had to refine your voice a little bit. Right? Yeah, go on then. So you're like, I've been called up by the cap. I would then probably go look if you're going to move into the county leagues

I'll come in with you on this I'll become your like vice you know vice county chairman whatever like vice

like leader whatever let's just yeah I know what you're saying yeah so and then as we work our way up together

I think I'd have that common touch. You'd obviously be good at all of the accountancy and all that sort of stuff. And like, cause you're good at maths. No. And also you're popular. You've been through the mill yourself.

Not like you've never had your pants pulled down and you've been wedgied in your life. You've had some fucking tough times. And I think the people would identify with you. I genuinely think like we could, you could run for election. I'd say that you wouldn't be one of those idiots who do it and everyone laughs up behind their back.

I think you'd make a good account of yourself as Prime Minister, running alongside. Prime Minister? Yeah. I think that slowly, let's build up to it. Let's not run before we can walk. Do you see yourself, do you think when you finish comedy in like a year or two, you'll move on to...

LAUGHTER A year or two you'll move on to like do you think you'll you'd would you ever have that as an aspiration you know what i'd like to do is um what they called the um you know like alistair campbell oh like there's spin doctors yeah oh yeah i was number one i think that's the coolest sounded job in the world a spin doctor right i don't think that's the official title that's actually quite that's what you call yourself i know what you mean yeah uh i actually genuinely think actually that's probably a sort of good because you know what but essentially you're just a hype man right yeah you

you've got i'd actually i think i'll probably get a lot of fulfillment for that as a job yeah but the problem is you've got no uh you've got no control over the actual policy. If you were working for me as my spin doctor, and then I said to you, I've got this thing, Tom, where I sort of want to stop white working class males going to school anymore. I just think it's a waste of time.

We need more of them. What would you do? That's the easiest one. I'd turn around and go, guys, to all the white working class men out there, don't bother going to school. I didn't. Look at me, I've done alright for myself. I'd literally just go, guys, to all the working class men out there, don't bother going to school. I didn't. Look at me, I've done all right for myself. I literally just go and get jobs

and just hope for the best. This is why you'd be so dangerous in a position like this. I find it a bit weird. You know when people get on social media and celebrities get on social media and go, to all of you that didn't get the GCSEs and A-levels you want.

Um, I didn't even look where I am. And you go, yeah, you work in television. Now what's the probabilities of that happening for, for everyone that's reading this message? I mean,

it's like, I never do that because genuinely, I think that my life would have been a lot easier for, for the majority of my life. However old I end up being, been a lot easier for for the majority of my life however old i end up being a large portion of my life was literally doing these shittest jobs like cleaning tube trains okay all right but hold on let me let me ask you let me ask you a question because i know well as we all know you've talked about on the podcast you had a tough you had a tough upbringing well you didn't have a tough

upbringing because your parents are great or whatever but but what I mean is you come from a tough background, right? And then you've done all sorts of shitty jobs or whatever, right? You've worked your way up into doing what you've done now, and I'm very proud of what you've done, even though it's nothing to do with me. But my question to you is this. Do you think your background actually has given you an advantage? Because if you've got loads of great qualifications

and you've got yourself into a position where you're going on a normal trajectory, isn't there an argument then you wouldn't have been as pushed to go into comedy or do what you've done? There's a level of desperation that puts a fire under you, doesn't it? Do you know what I mean, to do something? Do you not think there's something about that that's motivational but then there's different people who have those different like the qualities that sort of like i suppose never succeeded and never

winning different different things are going to be born from that i i if you know you you mentioned my parents there and i think like one of the biggest things for me in a sense is having parents who who'd always sort of support you know and sort of not always believe in me but support me and and you know sort of push me towards doing something sort of a little bit different or whatever i think as well in fact i think it's too easy now for so many people to give up and i don't know and just sort of throwing the chips sort of quite early and i think actually life experience and that's what i was getting at with Josie Gibson or yourself as Prime Minister.

I think like life experience is important. I think when you're running, like a sense of empathy can only come from a sense of experience. So I think when you're like leading a country, especially in a time that we're in at the moment, and like, you know, I look across, you know, the whole of the sort of landscape now politically and think, is there anyone there who's going to get what the majority of this country need who you

know for one reason or another is there anyone who's going to sort of like reach in and go like this is what i think you know this maybe andy burnham you know but i i look across the sort of yeah the landscape and that's what i find quite scary i think that there's a sense that there's not enough not enough people who have been through, you've been through, I've been through, but you know, to climb somewhere.

And that's why I would vote for Romesh. Yeah. And that is, that is, except for the Romesh bit, that is a valid, you've made a valid series of arguments that if somebody is going to run this country and run it with the interest of the majority of people in mind,

you'd like them to have gone through some of the things that most people have gone through. But that is very different from going, do you know who talks sense? Olly Murs. Let me just throw this one in there then, okay? There's a guy called John who runs my local supermarket, right? He runs your local supermarket?

Yeah. John is an incredible man-manager do you know well because i see how happy is people who work for him are i notice that people if they're putting up the salads or they're working on the tills even the guy like pushing the trolleys everyone's happy because in john's world everyone's important right so how do you know this how do you know this because i chat to them all how often how often do you go to the supermarket? Well, I mean, before lockdown, I was going probably twice, three times a week. Now I probably go once, twice a week.

And I chat to everyone there. I chat to Lynn, John. I have a conversation. Do you chat to people in your supermarket? No. Really? How often do you go? I don't go very often because you normally do it online. But when I do go in, I don't really talk to anybody now.

I say it like the security guy at the front. i mean i always do as well but you don't really i i don't know what i don't know what supermarket you're shopping in but i don't really i don't see staff in like a i'm going to be able to chat to them like you sort of occasionally see them knocking about like wandering around doing shell stuff and they kind of look busy well no i'll turn around and go oh excuse me have you got any uh like cannelloni beans in and they'll go oh cannelloni beans and so you don't is that because you actually need cannelloni beans or is that because you're using that as an icebreaker well sometimes it's like i will think of like you know and then i'll say how's life treating you oh you've been i've seen you a couple of times in there i like a conversation i've seen you a couple of times in there yeah yeah i work conversation. I've seen you a couple of times in there.

Yeah, yeah, I work here. Did the uniform give it away at all? Right. So if you're starting a conversation with someone, say, for example, you walk in, and you walk in and you're bowling about, and then you can't find... Even as you describe my physical actions,

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And then you turn around and say, oh, bloody hell, mate. Any joy showing me where the baby gem lettuce is? And the bloke's like, oh, yeah, of course, follow me. It's four aisles away, right? You've sort of like sailed into, I don't know, like salt

and pepper and stuff, whatever, and herbs, right? You're miles away from the little gem, right? Baby gem. How do you feel about how long it took you to find the word salt and pepper, by the way? you're miles away from the little gem right baby gem he how do you feel about how long it took you to find the word salt and pepper by the way anyway he basically you walk behind him which i always think it's like a weird act if you just follow him right you should walk showing you where the thing is yeah and then yeah yeah but then you should walk side by side and start turn around

and go so lloyd yeah how long have you worked here or oh lloyd yeah and you've read that you've just read that off his name badge yeah of course yeah yeah yeah i don't know so you go yeah you go yeah lloyd yeah and then what do you say well how long have you worked here or do you enjoy working here or like oh yeah do many people find it hard to find the lettuces or okay and what and what are you getting from that? Nothing. I just think it's nice to talk to people. Yeah. Would you... Do you not get a sense of like... Yeah, and he'll go,

I've worked here for six months. I love it here. And he'll go, well, yeah, thanks for that, mate. Oh, here's... And he'll go, here's the lettuce. And you go, thanks. And he'll probably say something like,

if you need any more help, you know where I am. And you'll go, I'll find you. And then straight away, report sign. Next time, you'll walk past him and go, ha, wanted to worry about the little gem. I know where that is. Oh, no.

In a callback. Yeah, but, you know, that's how friendships are made. I don't, can I be honest with you? I don't know how I feel about what you just said. Because part of me thinks that's really nice, what you've talked about do you mean and and and and having a chat with somebody is the right thing to do like do you remember ages ago when we were on the when we were on here we were talking about um we're talking about being in a pub and i used

to talk about you'd be on there on your own and you just sort of strike up a conversation with someone and then i rinsed you for it yeah and we got a few emails after that from people going that i was being like a southern like classic southern antisocial prick right and i did and and and i did i do agree with that i actually concede that point that was what my attitude where my attitude was coming from the thing that i think about what you just said is you're making the assumption that that person wants to chat on you do you know what i mean like like like like is it okay just to hypothesize this yeah that person's had a shit day yeah right okay they're they're not happy yeah they've had to come in they've got a load of shit going on at home they're having to get to do this shit to

just fucking make ends meet everything's a struggle right they're not getting paid as much as they'd like to be getting paid for what is a fucking hard job right and they're doing it and then somebody says can you tell me where the what is a fucking hard job. And they're doing it. And then somebody says, can you tell me where the, what is it, baby gem lettuce is, right? And they think, well, I'm in the fucking, whatever, yeah, little, I'm in the fucking herb aisle, not in the grocery,

like the fruit and veg bit. And he's asking this question. You've already got that. And then you walk around and you think, I've got to get on with this. I've got to finish this job quick because then I'm going to move on to the next thing. I've got a list of like nine,

10 things I've got to do on this shift. It's a nightmare. And as you're walking around, you sort of think, I'm just going to move on to the next thing. I've got a list of like nine, ten things I've got to do on this shift. It's a nightmare. And as you're walking around, you sort of think, I'm just going to quickly run over and show him where this lettuce is. And then you notice the person you were walking slightly slower. No, if he was to run, I'd jog alongside him. Right. So you're moving faster.

You go, do you know what? I haven't got the energy to chat to anybody. I just want to show him where the lettuce is. And you go, so how long exactly have you been working here the energy to chat to anybody, I just want to show them where the letter is. So, how long exactly have you been working here? It's a funny old place, isn't it? Fruit and veg's all sort of disorganised. If I was in charge

of this, I'd probably put the fruit and veg in alphabetical order, because then you go, what am I looking for? I'm looking for carrots, asparagus, baby gem, carrot, found it. It just makes, you know, the location and the isolation of what fruit and veg and specifically you're looking for, for whatever, whether that might be a salad or you're doing yourself some breakfast.

Can I jump in on this just quickly, actually? And I have said this to a couple of people who run supermarkets. For the life of me, I don't know why they have fruit and veg at the start of a supermarket, if someone can ask me that, because it's usually the softest and it's usually, you know, the sort of substance you're putting in your trolley should be at the end it's completely dizzy why it's at the beginning do you mean in terms of crushing stuff yeah because it let us broccoli most people aren't buying like a ton of goods i mean it's not an issue no but i'm just

you've got to be like even if you just got a basket right and you fill the basket up yeah you're gonna have a few heavy tins maybe on on your spinach sure even if you've just got a basket, right, and you fill the basket up, you're going to have a few heavy tins maybe on your spinach. Sure. Like, if you can tell me a way, and also it's kept cold, like, why you'd have lettuce and those perishables at the start. I've said that a couple of times, people. Anyway, carry on. I digress.

The point I'm trying to make is there is an argument. Yeah. Okay, first of all, let me just deal with what you just said, all right? You might have a point. I do think you might have a point about this fruit and vegetable being at the beginning of the shop but you know you organize your trolley don't you i mean what you're doing you're just chucking stuff in then i've got to do half the work of you know if it's at the end dude let me tell you something supermarkets are a fucking con anyway we are doing all the work yeah like you walk in you get all the shit yourself you put it in the bags

yourself now they're kind of being fucking asked to check it out for you so you've got to go to We are doing all the work. Yeah. Like, you walk in, you get all the shit yourself, you put it in the bags yourself. Now they've kind of been fucking asked to check it out for you, so you've got to go to self-service. I mean, what is it that they are doing? Do you mean just walking into a fucking warehouse? You know what? I mean, the idea that there's any customer service involved in the supermarket.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I think the people who work in supermarkets, when you chat to them, you'll find some of the best customer service people in the land. I think if you go to any city or any town or a little village head straight to the co-op head straight to tesco sainsbury's wherever you're going to go right head straight there and just immerse yourself in the local that that's where you're going to feel that's where you're going to see the local how the world works no you're absolutely right rather rather than a local independent shop, go into your chain.

You're absolutely right. Great advice. Go to a, rather than going to an individual sort of family-owned shop, go into a Tesco's. It's probably caused a lot of those shops to have to shut down. And that's when you get a real sense of community. I've got an argument for that, my friend, right? If you're not local to that place,

you go to a local store, like a local butcher's or a local greengrocer's, they're not going to give you the time of day. And I've talked to local guys, and you know why? They need concurrent customers. They need people who are going to come in day after day. You're not that person.

So you'll go in and you'll go, hi, mate. I'm Romesh. I'm here for the day. And they'll go, lovely, mate. Where are you in the butcher's? Well, first. Yeah, I'm Romesh. I'm here for the day. And I'll go, lovely, mate. Were you in the butchers? Well, first of all, the idea that I walk into a shop and announce my name and say I'm here for the day.

Like. oh god did you ever work in a supermarket because I did no no no I didn't know I did trollies at Horsham Sainsbury's

for about two years two years two years wow man were you good yeah part time were you good at it at trolleys

yeah I was alright yeah I mean yeah I was okay I used to you used to have a trolley

you used to have a trolley strap that you'd strap the trolleys together with and then I'd take two trolley straps one in each like one in each pocket

and then I'd go and do 20 at a time that's how I programmed that's the sort of when I see someone like you as a trolley straps, one in each, like one in each pocket and then I'd go and do 20 at a time. Whoa. That's the sort of, when I see someone like you as a trolley guy, that's where I'm like, fucking hell,

that guy's owning whatever he's doing. That's where I really respect people. Yeah, I had quite a few awkward situations. I didn't really like, I didn't feel like Horsham really liked me. Do you know what I mean?

I don't know how comfortable I felt there. I remember one. Were you shouting from the rooftops then that you were from Crawley, or...? No. I was just like... I used to put... Basically, what I used to do is

I used to wear one of the big Sainsbury's coats. Yeah. And I always wouldn't listen to music, so I'd have earbuds in, and I'd put the hood up over the top, right? And then I'd just go and do the trolleys and just listen to music. But the problem was

is that I couldn't hear any traffic or whatever. I see. And so, like... Well, I remember once I was pulling some trolleys out, and then I tripped over backwards to music but the problem was is that i couldn't hear any traffic or whatever and so like well i i remember once i was pulling some trolleys out and then i tripped over backwards and fucking rolled like backwards and i rolled across the bonnet of somebody's car oh shit can you imagine if you're driving drive through say through his car park and they're just fucking trolley guy just comes rolling across your bonnet this guy hates his job so much he's just throwing himself in front of

cars yeah throwing himself in front of a car going four miles an hour that's how desperate this guy is to try and bring an enter

I mean once another time they um they uh it was right pissing it down with rain and like you come in and you get you know you get your ticket out

the thing for the car yeah yeah they made me for the entirety of the shift stand at the barrier and take the ticket from the machine and pass it into the passenger and the customer in the car so they didn't get their fucking arm wet what what would you feel about that but if you pull up if that was me i thought i remember thinking if that was me and i saw somebody having to do that, I would go and say to the supermarket, what the fuck have you got that guy doing that?

It's one of the most degrading things. That is pretty sad that you had to go through that. Mental. That's probably why I think at times, you know, when you get like little angry, Ron will sort of rise himself up for your tummy. And that's probably, I think, things like that. But also, it comes back to what we're talking about,

about you running for prime minister. You know what it's like to have done a job like that. But also, it comes back to what we're talking about, about you running for Prime Minister. You know what it's like to have done a job like that. And now you're one of them. I'd say you're in... Look, let me just quickly say this, and I say this on oath, right? I think you'd be in the top 100 most respected people in this country, genuinely.

Who would? You would. Okay. You haven't looked at any of my social media, have you? What, mate? The idea that I'm even one of the top 100 most respected people in the town that I live in is fucking insane. No, but listen to me, all right?

When you're going to be Prime Minister, they're going to come for you, mate, and you're going to be ready for that. Let me tell you a little story, right? Gary Delaney. Yeah. You know Gary Delaney. I love Gary Delaney. Great comic.

Brilliant. One of my favourites. Great joke, Taylor. Shout out to Gary Delaney great comic brilliant one of my one of my favourites shout out Gary Delaney somebody I know told me they went to see

Gary Delaney in Crawley Gary Delaney was doing a bit of crowd work and he said what's the worst thing about Crawley

and somebody said Romesh Ranganathan I got I got I got heckled at another comedian's show can I just say something right that was someone trying to be funny I know people from Crawley and they are proud heckled at another comedian's show. Can I just say something, right?

That was someone trying to be funny. I know people from Crawley, and they are proud, proud from their very souls that you are a part of the fabric of that town. That's very kind of you to say, but I think it's quite a divisive... I'm not just... This is not... By the way, I'm slightly nervous that I sound like I'm being faux humble here. I'm not. I'm telling you honestly. You know, like, when I was, like, putting the tour together, and you came and, telling you honestly. You know when I was putting the tour together

and you came and did Walmart for me when I was trying to Walmart this tour, right? So I'd go to the wharf, local theatre, go and run new material and stuff like that. Whenever the wharf put an announcement up that I've got a show coming up at the wharf, half of it is like, I want to get tickets, I want to get tickets.

The other half is, fucking hell, has this prick not stopped doing it yet? One of the most, one of the most things I'm ashamed about, about this town is that this geezer comes from,

like, honestly, mate, it's mad. Are you joking? People don't, people don't like people from their hometown. Well, I don't,

this is not a generalised observation. I'm talking about me in particular. It's divisive. Half the people are, like, really supportive and great. The other half, like, it's mad. But look, also, look, can I just say, mate, success is a many-sided coin. divisive half the people are like really supportive and great the other half like it's mad but look

also look can i just say mate success is a many-sided coin right like a 50p yeah yeah right you prick right you're gonna always run the right right the truth of the matter is i think when it comes to for you, right? Have you inspired? Yes. Do you carry a level of decency on which the cloth in which you spread is very... Okay, why? Why? Is affluent, right? Yes.

The cloth on which you spread is affluent? Right. I don't even think you know what you fucking mean at this point. Can you walk alongside the common man, right? And not lose their... I don't even think you know what you fucking mean at this point. Can you walk alongside the common man, right? And not lose their common... Is it walk alongside the common man and, you know, just be yourself or walk alongside a king, which you have done, a potential king,

and not lose your common touch? Yes. Vote Romesh. I could work on the wording of that, obviously. Absolutely. You'd want to make it sort of understandable to most humans. That would be my, if I was giving you any feedback, sort of tips. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection

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Right, do you want to do some emails, my G? Yeah, boy. Can I give... Actually, can I just say something quickly? I'd love you to. I'd absolutely love to. I went to the cinema this week. What did you watch?

James Bond. Have you seen it? New one? I've not seen it, no. No, no. I am... It will still be on, right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Are you going to go and watch it this week? Because then we can chat about it. No, but look, have you got an observation to make about it that isn't going to spoil it? I just feel sorry for James Bond. I just think he's just sort of quite a sad character now.

And what do you mean? You know, it's hard to tell without giving too many spoilers away and ruining the film for people, right? Okay. I just sort of watched it thinking, has he ever really been happy? You know who he reminds me of actually james bond santa claus like jane what like fictional yeah but both fictional you say that we might have

young listeners so oh shit sorry no i'm joking um right in the way that neither of them ever get anything they just live a life that's thankless like no one will ever go up to santa claus and go oh cheers mate thanks for you know all, cheers, mate. Thanks for, you know, all the presents and thanks for fucking doing what you do. And James Bond, in countless situations, has saved the planet

in the realm of the universe in which he lives in, right? Never once do you see him really enjoying those moments or someone putting their arm around him and saying,

nice one, James. Doesn't he have like shit tons of money and drive an Aston Martin? Has that made him happy? No. Watch the latest film. If you don't walk away, look at it and thinking christ yeah but but do you think that that would be solved by somebody saying thank you to him well yeah i was just giving him some yeah i

think i think it's a yeah i think someone actually giving him some sort of like like a little bit of like an arm around the shoulder or yeah him feeling wanted or feeling wanted or needed, you know. He's just, I actually just think, you know, for someone who's done a lot of cool shit, his life has actually been pretty meaningless. Yeah,

do you know, they just very rarely put scenes like that in films anymore, you know, like, because, because the truth is,

is that, I don't know if you've noticed this, right, but like, films are now designed for people with ADHD pretty much.

Yeah. You know, like, there is no, there are no scenes really in films anymore that aren't driving you through a story. You know, like, if you watch films in the 80s, there'll be lots of bits and pieces

where they just dick around or they're like, you know, for example, like, even something more recent than that, but like, even something like Pulp Fiction. Yeah. Like, Quentin Tarantino has had to make it his niche thing, whatever you say about Quentin Tarantino. i know he's a divisive bloke but like he has to make it his thing that there are scenes where people talk about stuff and it doesn't drive you towards some plot point

now even star wars films avengers all of those films every single word that's spoken in those films is to drive you towards something you know know what I was going to shout out? On my point, exactly what you were saying. You know the end of Star Wars where they all get their medals? I'd love to have seen that with James Bond a bit more. Just given some sort of... Sometimes he's just on a boat in the middle of nowhere and you're like...

Or he just feels like the grind never really stops. I'd like to have seen him just go to see some family. He doesn't have to tell them what he does, but just has a little grind never really stops. I'd like to have seen him just go to see some family. He hasn't got to tell him what he does, but just has a little bit of chill time.

You know, goes to a barbecue. And then what would happen is, you know, it's like you'd go, you'd get on this podcast and you'd go, fucking,

have you seen any of your Bond films? One of the most boring pieces of shit I've ever seen in my life. I grew up watching Bond blow stuff up and getting cars that you can go underwater in.

I don't want to see him visiting his fucking nan up. No one says his nan. He could just go out and just sort of see a couple of mates and they'd go,

how's life been? He'd say, well, I can't talk about that, you bloody plums. Get us a beer. I can't believe you. God, the old Arsenal were playing well at the moment,

weren't they? I just like the thought that, you know, it would be nice every now and again just to, you know, even if he wore an Arsenal tie or like, you know, he had a Chelsea watch,

something like that. Chelsea watch on an adult would be fucking tragic. No, but you know what? He just had something more about him than the guy that you see. You want to know a bit about his personality? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just see him playing Dungeons and Dragons with a couple of mates or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or he's a member of a motorbike club. On his play set. He's really into FIFA. Yeah. He sort of froze down a bit

and then he goes and sits down and he starts shouting at some 12-year-old kid from Ohio because he's beating him with an athletic go. But you know what? You'd identify with him and we're coming back to what I'm talking about. Sure. He just feels a million miles away from reality. I would say that's not the only reason that James Bond's a million miles

away from reality. I think you could make him a little bit more real, a bit more of the man of the people. Yeah, there'd be other things you'd tackle first rather than just popping down the pub with his mates anyway thank you so much to the swan who uh has been very busy this week but took the time out it's a new house busy yeah there's lots of like little bits and pieces she's sorting out and she's doing it without complaining at all she's been a, she's been a hero, actually, I would say. Heroine. With The Swan.

Okay, so, here is our first email. This is from Claire. Yo, Claire. Hi, Wolf, Al and The Swan. First,

she's not here, mate. No, no, I just always like the thought that, how do you, whenever I do these, I imagine that there's a third screen here and that's Claire. I imagine her in my mind

that she'd be here as well. She's listening in on tender hooks. Okay. First, I want to say how much I love the podcast. It always makes my day to hear you giggling away, and hear how much you care for each other, your wives and others. Okay. Thank you very much.

I didn't mean to dismiss that. That's very nice. I'm in my early 30s. I've become increasingly paranoid about my wonky teeth on video calls while working from home. I worry that people are staring at them. I love to smile, but I'm becoming increasingly conscious of how my teeth look when I do. I'm starting to think about Invisalign to straighten my teeth, but my main worry is the lifestyle changes it will need due to needing to wear the aligners for so long each day.

I love being able to go out for food and drinks, although I only tend to do this on a weekend, and I don't want to stop being able to do this, especially after so long during lockdown when things have been so restricted. My dentist has suggested I'd need them for two years. It'd be a long-term commitment. You both mentioned recently you're planning on starting Invisalign. Have you started yet? How has it been? Tom?

Yo, Claire. I am going to do Invisalign. I need to find the right person to do the Invisalign for me because I've heard some horror stories. So that's what I'd say. Shop about for the right person. And I completelyvisalign for me because I've heard some horror stories. So that's what I'd say, shop about for the right person. And I completely get you. I hate my bottom teeth.

I hate them. But at the moment, I've got to wait until I finish the job I'm on just for continuity that I don't, that I've not started Invisalign and my teeth change dramatically. I'd say that of all of the different things to have done to yourself, I think teeth are such an important... Number one, it's actually really important to get it done just for the structure of your mouth

and how you talk and everything. So it's really good for that. A friend of mine, Michelle's had it done. It's incredible. I think she's had it for 18 months and it's amazing the change it's made. Not to her life and to her confidence so claire i'm going to say now go for it because people you know what you know who i read about

this week and i didn't know this was true you know um the rock dwayne johnson he had uh a move move production a move production yeah i did it and he's been quite open about it 2014 you know when you said you know who I've been reading about? I should have known because The Rock is the only person you ever read about. Whenever you've got a nugget of information about somebody, it's normally Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Yeah, but you know what? I thought,

genuinely, my respect for Dwayne The Rock Johnson is, you know, from my head to my toes and all around my body, right? I didn't think I could respect or love him any more than I actually do. When I read that, I just, I had tears welling up in my eyes,

even now thinking about it. I thought, you've not only had this done, you've been open about it. Yeah. You, sir, are an absolute credit to the human race. And let me shake you by the hand and just say thank you. Okay. I mean, it's not as cut and dried as that is it i mean there's

an argument that actually i'm just saying this by the way i i don't know because i literally just heard you say this i don't know what my view is but there is an argument that actually the better thing to do would have been to have not had the move reduction and just lived with it and that would have been a positive message to people to sort of accept yourselves for who you are yeah in some ways i guess but then the moves were paining him and he didn't you know they he is that why you got them reduced they're paining i don't think they're painful like he had a bad lower back and stuff but like i don't know how big they even were i can't remember him having that that bigger pair of moves um or like you know he probably disguised them under a baggy t-shirt when he was wrestling i

can't remember him having big moves you? no but then mind you I've never watched a single wrestling match in my life what?

are you joking? no you've never watched wrestling? never ever why? I just don't it's just not

my thing I love it I'm not by the way I'm not one of these people that thinks that people that watch wrestling are twats

I'm not that you know there's people I respect and love that watch wrestling are twats I'm not that you know there's people I respect and love that like wrestling it shocks me to my very core that you don't like wrestling well it shocks me to my very core that you don't like comic books

I do like comic books no you don't whenever we start talking about a comic book I go oh yeah well I don't want to get it wrong so like I am Batman and we're going to fight you

no no no I'll not upset you nerds and your nerd sensibility that sort of stuff but the things like the boys I like I enjoy Preacher I enjoy

you know me I'm a bit edgy I'm a bit out there sure okay yeah you like the Preacher and the boys

two of the most popular comic books in what the last 15-20 years I like to see some old Batman ones you're a real edgelord

oh Batman okay so you are underground you go hunting around don't you I like to see some old Batman ones as well. You're a real edgelord. Oh, Batman, okay. So you are underground. You go hunting around, don't you? Yeah, look, I've actually got them here. Yeah, some people think, you know, I've got people who think I read mainstream comic books,

but I only read comic books that have got too long. This is good. I've only read comic books that have actually been turned into a series of Amazon. I've not read Bouncer, actually. Is that good? It's amazing. I've got loads here. You've got Invisalign now, right? I'm in the middle of Invisalign right now.

And Claire, listen, what I'm going to tell you now, so I've got, I had a really wonky, and I still do have quite a wonky bottom row of teeth. And the dentist said to me that it wasn't just a cosmetic thing, it's kind of an ageing thing that your teeth sort of cave in, if you like. It's not great, that it wasn't just a cosmetic thing it's kind of uh you know an aging thing that you you you

your teeth sort of cave in if you like and it's sort of it's not great so i had a busy line i'm going to say two things one it's great it will straighten out your teeth you'll notice a difference yes it does take a little bit of time but it is amazing right and if you're and and i wasn't particularly paranoid about my wonky teeth but if you're paranoid about your wonky teeth i do think you're going to notice a really big difference and and i think it i think it will be potentially life-changing for you you know because if you are paranoid about it it carries itself into every aspect of your life you start feeling paranoid you're less confident you might start smiling less which gives the impression of

you being a less happy person and all that kind of shit um so i would this i would i would i would back up tom in you doing it but i would say it's not completely convenient you have to have them for a minimum of 22 hours in a day right and for me with the job that i do they some because you change i change mine every week i have to change mine every week and they sort of they get straighter and straighter and you approach your sort of finished product every week. And there's a bit, it's not,

I wouldn't say it's pain. It's like a bit of discomfort when you put the new one in. But the main issue is it makes me lisp. And so like when I'm doing like, some of them do, some of them don't.

But when I'm doing presenting or comedy or whatever, it's slightly difficult. So I have to take them out. So basically it's taking longer for me. But the great thing about In about invisalign is or any of these things that i don't want to sort of look like we've been sponsored by invisalign here but the great thing about it is you can pick it up and drop it as and when so like for example the last week i've been doing it i've been doing the weakest link and i've been doing those records all day so i couldn't really have invisalign in

for the whole day but i just carry on from where i left off do you know what i mean so you wear it in sleep when you sleep yes you wear them through the night when you sleep i mean that's when all the big work's done i guess i guess yeah like people who fix a tube sure sure um so claire look i hope that helps uh good luck tom's i think i'm not sure if tom's gonna start speaking again for a while he's enjoying his tubing allergy too much got a little smile on his face thank you claire you're sweet so i've just done something very impressive before and after pictures would be great you know you know obviously it takes two years so claire claire i hope it goes well do not send pictures thank you uh good luck claire Okay, next email. This is from the Red Squirrel.

The Red Squirrel. Hey, team. Red Squirrel here. As always, loving the podcast. Keep up the good work. I wanted your advice on helping out as a parent at your kid's school. Wolf, I realise you don't have little wolves. Cubs.

I still value your view on this all the same. They'd be called cubs, wouldn't they? Yes, they would, yeah. Look at you, doing your own correcting now. My kid's school is heavy on parent help and participation. We have a class rep who has to inform the other parents of upcoming events on WhatsApp, something they tried to get me to do.

The PTA are forever asking us to help out at events, which seems there's an endless amount of. Always asked to contribute to raffles, prizes, presents. I won't bore you with what else is asked of us, but the list is endless. I didn't realise when my kids started school that I'd be signed up for a WI meeting that I didn't ask to join. Is it so bad that I just want to drop my kids off and maybe speak to a couple of us but the list is endless i didn't realize when my kids started school that'd be signed up for a wi meeting i didn't ask to join is it so bad that i just want to drop my kids off maybe speak to a couple of people on the level and get out of there

but i do have a sense of guilt that i don't do enough even though it's really not me or something i want to get involved in uh i wonder if al you ever feel like you should get involved in all of your kids things or not and if you ever felt guilty for not doing enough thanks in advance your friend uh the red squirrel uh tom tom what do you think well you know what red squirrel i think it's i think in anything it's how much you it's down to how much you want to give right yeah one of the only the reference points i've got is when i was a kid my mum used to like she was like one of the people who used to volunteer to do most school trips most school things my mum was always like doing uh you know, anything which she put her name for.

And I remember as a kid and we'd go on a school trip, my mum was quite a loud woman and I'd find it, and like really like agonisingly embarrassing. I'd always sort of think, oh no, like, you know, a letter would come home and she'd straight away go, oh, yeah, I'm going to do that. And my mum works full time, so she'd take time off to do that. And like I say, as a, you know, young boy and, you know, teenager,

I used to find that sort of up until sort of like you didn't need that anymore. I used to find it embarrassing. And now I'm like my parents came to visit me recently and we started talking about sort of when I was a kid and we went to the Science Museum with the school, and my mum had some funny stories about it. And I sort of like, it actually really sort of touched me that she'd spent that time doing those things.

And actually, it was sort of something that she'd never, it was never something she did for herself. She did that for me. She did that for other kids. She did it for, you know, I suppose some part of herself to have that experience. But it was actually saying quite kind of sweet that we we shared and that i sort of now look back and think actually it was a pretty amazing thing that you know she'd take her time off from work and she was a nurse i was saying she from a very very young age she was back at work

and working full-time then she'd take that time off and her days off and and come and do that for me and my sister that really means a lot now i've really you know because she could have gone out with friends or done something else or just had some her time at home and and i think actually it's a really sweet thing that she did there so you know it's um yeah it's down to the the person i i think that i think sort of parents that do volunteer and step forward and do that stuff for the kids. I respect that. I think that's a pretty amazing thing. And I think sometimes also that it's easy to sort of take the mick out of people who do do that. It's like, you know, we joke about it on King Gary with the WhatsApp groups and everything.

But, you know, and people who run those and, you know, even on the estate that I live on, we joke about that kind of thing. The person who runs the sort of like, you know, estate Facebook or the estate WhatsApp group. But when there was a load of burglaries recently, we're all dependent on it. And sometimes those people, you know, through the respect you get day in, day out, maybe isn't there. But actually, there's a time when it comes forward and people realize just how worthwhile it is. So go forth, Red Squirrel and and just do what suits you but remember down the line it could be something quite important you're doing there red squirrel uh great advice from tom there uh what i would say to you my take on this is uh so the swan uh my wife the swan has uh has been doing a little

bit of drama bits and stuff in our kids, in one of the younger kids' schools. And I haven't done very much. I did like a bingo thing for them. They're trying to do a fundraiser. So I went and like hosted it. So I have done bits and pieces. Lisa's done a lot more than I have.

What I would say to you is, it's totally up to you what you do, man. Like, because I totally get what Tom's saying, which is that his mum went and did stuff and it is really nice and they've got this in their shed. But that's easier for some people than others. And I don't mean easier as in logistically easier. I mean sort of mentally easier.

Some people feel all right about dropping in and doing that and getting involved, and other people find that kind of stuff anxiety-inducing or they don't fancy it or they don't like the sound of it if that's you don't feel guilty you don't have to do it you absolutely don't have to do it and you know you can support your children in other ways you know obviously by doing quality time outside of school with them and stuff like that so what i would say there is no right or wrong answer this if you want to get involved if you want to go and do stuff, you can absolutely do that.

If you don't, you don't have to. And you don't, you shouldn't feel guilty at all for not doing more. Do you know what I mean? Because we're all living our, we're all walking our own path. We're all doing our own thing. And, you know, if you start trying to hold yourself up again, accountable, you know, to other people, there's loads of parents at the, our kids schools that do loads of shit.

And like, if you are measuring, if you decided to sort of attach your value of what you are as a parent to how much you're doing, you feel terrible, but there's no, no good can come from that. Do what you do and don't feel bad about it. You know what I mean? And so, yeah, that, that would be my advice to you. If you do it great, but if you don't also great, you know what i mean and so yeah that would be my advice to you if you do it great but if you don't also great you know do not feel any pressure to do anything okay hope that helps red squirrel i hope that helps peace out rob that's some sweet sweet advice baby i wonder if the

swans put that in because you think something's fucking dragging my heels up and out of the school do you know what i i hosted the bingo. How was it? No, it wasn't bingo. It was a quiz. I hosted the quiz at the primary school. They were raising money for whatever. One, like all of the, there's loads of parents there, people in the PTA and stuff like that.

They're getting quite drunk, which is fine. So, you know, they're having a social or whatever. There's quite a few, a couple of the mums were quite handsy, I would describe. Really?

Yeah. A couple of them came up to the front. This is really bad that I'm saying this, actually, because I know that there are people that are parents at this school that listen to this. But, yeah, a couple of times, like, they would come up, and I was doing photos and stuff at the end. A couple of them were quite, you know, sort of,

something about that environment. And people had a bit to drink. They start kind of... Yeah, but you know that you're a dilf right i'm not a deal you're mate can i just say something can i just say this right my sister was saying like at my niece and nephew's school there's a lot of talk about you being like hot shit there was like so you know when you did the cbb's thing you're such a dick no i swear this is true i went away with my sister right and the family right all went away and my sister said uh oh my god like you know with rom like there was you know and so tom hardy did it as well right and it was apparently like some women

turned around going i actually prefer rom and like it's sort of right yeah there was like you've got some sort of swag about you that... Shall I tell you how I know that that's a sign of how unattractive I am? Is that people say things like, do you know what might surprise you? Do you know what's weird? Is I actually find Romesh attractive?

Do you know what would actually blow your... No, no, no. You've got to put this into context, right? They're saying, I actually prefer Rom in front of Tom Hardy. Do you know what that is? Can I tell you what that is? Accessibility. Yeah, kind of.

You know, like, do you know what I mean? It's kind of like, I reckon I'd have a shot with Romesh, because look at the guys. Yeah, but you're a lot happier with Lisa. I mean, I don't know. It's a cursing discussion on Tom's. We don't know what Tom Hardy's like. And I think actually Tom is actually a decent husband

and seems very happy whenever I see him on TV and stuff. When do you see him? On TV and stuff. We've actually got a few friends in common, me and TH. Have you? I'd say, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, Tom Hardy, if you ever listen to this, and if anybody knows Tom Hardy, he used to rap. I'm desperate to talk to him about hip hop. Please, can somebody make that happen for me?

Do you want another email? Yeah. Before we carry on with this next email, I just want to ask very quickly. Yeah. Where's this jumper from, anyway? Eddie Les. Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You're getting hooked up with him now. Oversized. Okay. This is from The Haggis. Okay, The Haggis. The Haggis and The Springbok. Wow. Dear Wolf, Owl and Swan,

loving the podcast. So it's approaching that time of year again. Christmas is just around the corner. Joyous as a festive season is, it can also add a little bit of stress to those trying to find gifts for friends and family. I hear that, haggis. We all have them in our lives,

those people who are very difficult to buy for, but they always arrange a very thoughtful present for you. So this offer of generosity must be returned. What do you get for someone who already has everything they need and has expensive taste? In previous years, you've already bought them the overpriced hamburgers and the voucher for a spa treatment or a nice dinner now you're struggling to think what to

get this year you know there's kind of issues in your lives as well and how do you rectify this stressful situation additionally we also have some family members on our christmas list where both parties ask if there's anything we can get for each other to try and alleviate the stress of finding gifts for each other and it seems like a bit of a pointless exercise and maybe just better just to agree not to buy for each other but it's Christmas the pressure

I appreciate your thoughts on these issues in the hope your advice can make Christmas slightly less stressful I always think a wacky gift is quite

cool like what? something a little bit different or sort of saying while we're talking about this now it seems opportune

time for me to say please don't get me anything this year. No. No, you know, like a basketball ring thing for the toilet, so when you're sitting on the toilet, you can throw hoops. Oh, God. Oh, my God, you're joking, aren't you? No.

Or a poo-butt for the toilet. You know, some wacky slippers. I don't know. Look, the truth of the matter is, sometimes I think when it comes to gifts, right, like you say, oh, you know, expensive handbags, expensive meals out. There's a common denominator there.

You're thinking that money buys incredible gifts. Very good point. Very good point. But actually, sometimes, like, I think you've got a David Brent the shit out of a Christmas present there's a moment in the office where David Brent turns around and

he says I don't do what he does for any sort of adulation or whatever and he said I'll just do it so one day I'm walking down the street and someone sees me and goes oh look there's David Brent I must remember to thank him, right? It sparks something.

And I think in a funny gift that you might even only just, you know, you might get a little kick out of every time you're lowest ebb. One day you're in the toilet and you're a bit constipated, a bit bunged up and you go, oh shit, Tom Davis got me that basketball hoop. I can sit and play that.

And next thing you know, you know, your bowels are running free. Or you've got some sort of deep vein thrombosis because you sat on the toilet or you know i don't know you you get something for the family like a board game for the family if it's a family you're dealing with what i'm saying is get something that inspires something more than just you know because i actually think that when you're buying expensive stuff as well and you're buying very like these gifts i actually there's a lot of anxiety that comes with those gifts on like, I've been brought,

you know, we've been brought tickets before and meals before. I always feel that then you're sort of like, you feel like a real sort of pressure to go and really enjoy yourself and make it in a unique and eventful night that you're going to remember forever. And seldom does that happen. You sort of actually, I think those nights are better when they're unplanned and they sort of

happen in the spur of the moment. I think, yeah, I think always try and do something by a gift that people are going to remember the person who brought it by. Like Romesh brought me

a pair of trainers. Every time I put them on, I just think about his smiling face and his trembling fingers as he handed them over to me. Yeah, what a sweet gesture that was.

You know, the gift make if the man or the woman or the person. Hold dear the gift, not the sentiment. Or no, hold dear the sentiment, not the gift. Fucking hell.

Haggis in the Springbok. Despite the convoluted and arguably waste of time response that Tom gave, I actually agree with his advice it's uh you know it's a sentiment and also you know you sort of talk about a spa day or whatever or a nice dinner i do like the idea of an experience do you know what i mean like giving someone a nice

experience and they'll be on that evening or doing that thing or having a nice dinner they'll be thinking oh what a nice thing it was that you did so i don't think it's that bad do you know what maybe that's what i could get you in the Swan. Like one of those redneck days. We don't want anything, thank you. That'd be nice, a redneck day. No, no, no. Yeah, but we're fine, thank you.

I'm just saying we're fine. Yeah, but don't worry about spending loads of money. Do you know what I mean? The one thing I do sort of think is try and find out what... I know this sounds... I know people think this is really unromantic and unpresented, but I do think it's good to just find out what i know this sounds i know people think this is really unromantic and unpresented but i do think it's good to just find out what somebody actually fucking wants

yeah because i've just moved house recently as we know and like there's loads of stuff that i've been bought that i didn't ask this sounds very ungrateful you didn't ask for and so you sort of doesn't really have a function in your life but you don't want to throw it away because it's present right yeah so it's just sort of stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like, just sort of stuff that isn't bad. Like, I can see why the person bought it for you, but you're never really going to use it,

but you don't want to chuck it away. I mean, maybe I should give it away. What about, this is one for you. This could be a cool one, because I was guessing you've probably got about four or five different toilets in your house, right? Go on. You could have one, like, with a sign on the door saying,

Romy's office or the King's room. Yes. Yeah. Would that be the sort of thing you'd want? Yeah. We don't want anything this year. Thank you. Okay.

Hope that helps, Springbok and the Haggis. What about a sign for your toilet saying, The Quiet Carriage? We don't need anything to vote for this year. Thank you. I'm literally... What is that? What's that shop that you get in every shopping centre?

It's like the Man's Zone or something like that. Oh, yeah. We don't need anything, man. I'm going to go down there. I'm going to drop a couple of quid and bring it all around your house in a little minivan. Do you know what? Don't do that, because I'm going to get you something then. And you ain't going to like it.

I will buy you a little helicopter that you can have your pint on. What's happened? What just happened there? I know that you know it's called helicopter, but you've called it helicopter. What has happened there? Sometimes I get excited and my tongue gets too big for my mouth.

Oh, I see. Like Jamie Oliver. Just like Jamie Oliver. My tongue brother. Tom. It's about that time, my G. Hit it. Go on, Tom. Take us out, my G.

Yo. Ambition. Sometimes in some cultures, in some sentences, ambition seems to be a filthy word that you know you feel bad about saying but ambition can be silent and quiet and something that drives you on from day to day from moment to moment i want you to kick back relax i want you to think about the lowly caterpillar the caterpillar is at the lowest of all of the ebbs for

any kind of insect and for the most part he'll be looking up his whole life up at bees up at moths up at wasps and flies all just whizzing around and he'll look at ants with all their mates just flopping about having a great time right and then one day when he thinks actually shit's caught up with him, and old father time has come to sort of drag him back, to sort of send him back, you know, whatever, he is thrust into a cocoon where he's like, oh, fucking hell, my life couldn't go any worse. All I ever wanted to do was be something.

And then, from nowhere, he becomes a gentle butterfly, the most beautiful of all of the species on God's green earth, the most gracious of all of them. As he floats around, he thinks, I was quiet in my ambitions and my dreams. And yet, look at me now, flying. And he only lived for a day because that's all that butterflies live for. But my God, what a day it was, and what a flight he soared. So in your ambition, remember, be like the caterpillar. Quiet, yet ambitious.

That's what people always say about caterpillars isn't it how ambitious they are whatever people are describing of that describing caterpillars they always first go to thing is their fierce ambition

you know what I always think about caterpillars they never rest on their laurels alright Tomo thank you so much God bless it's been lovely speaking to you thank you about caterpillars they never rest on their laurels um all right tomo thank you so much it's been lovely speaking to you thank you

uh guys we will see you on the next episode take care guys much love much love peace out bye guys

keep it real sweet dinks if you have a problem opinion feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.