Wolf and Owl - Episode 56

Episode Date: January 19, 2022

We’re talking…. Tom’s covid troubles, being naked at home, hecklers, broken headphones, style over substance, and a crazy idea for audio tattoos. Then we answer your email questions on dealing with potentially aggressive situations, the early days of Rom and Tom, getting into stand-up, and a relationship quandary. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes,

talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at Questrade.com Outro Music let them see the whole thing they stay dressed to kill never sheep's clothing dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all your ears are huff a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning

just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog yes hello please try not to be angry with us please please please yo i don't think you can be angry with someone who's got covid well does everyone know you've got covid i don't know i'm gonna say it now yo okay listen the wolf has covid so the owl at the moment as far as we're aware doesn't have covid no he's covid free but uh the wolf is covid up i have i have full-blown covid so listen first of all before we get into the wolf's covid story which i'm sure will be uh something that at some point will be turned into a film uh apologies for our slackness and getting a podcast out to you we

were supposed to do one before the end of last week but listen the wolf has got covid he's got a baby he's got a film like you know he's got a lot of shit going you've got loads going on as well for sweet pip you've got loads going on as well yeah okay so so that's such a nice thing sweet pip is cute i like that talk us talk us with sweet pip number nine in the back yeah if you want something that I'll never wear and will just rot at the back of a cupboard. No, but I'd go to an Arsenal game with you, right, and your three boys, and I'd get the tickets if you wore that shirt. Yeah, because the number of times that I've taken the boys to Arsenal,

I thought, do you know what would complete this picture? Tom Davis. And I'm so desperate for Tom to join us and wear a t-shirt that makes me look like a c*** in order to

to make that happen I just want to see like Charlie go Dad why are you wearing why are you wearing a shirt with sweet pip number 9 on the back

can you look into this bloody Covid story so what's happened so listen oh man let me just stop you there what

what are you doing with your hands I've got a rapper I've got a rapper okay okay a rapper so you're not

it's not even like you're unwrapping a suite you're just playing with a rapper no no to create to create drama you've never seen

like any of the great fucking actors like they'll always have like a cigarette or like they'll be like knocking a like

pack of cigarettes or yeah because they're about to smoke or because they're smoking or because i happen to have a pen because they're writing they don't play with a a fucking sweet wrapper they found in their pocket because they're clearly wearing something they haven't washed in months what listen no i mean covid clothes sure you know covid clothes is literally i haven't had a change of clothes i've gotten

so aggressive on it i don't know i quite like it it's my favourite version of the hour I know I know it is but it's not the listeners favourite version I know it is what happens we'll get emails we'll get emails about it I know

when you've got your little peck out I like it right alright go on so listen Thursday early hours of Thursday morning I check myself

gun fingers Tom's doing gun fingers I'm negative on a lateral flow ok Listen, Thursday, early hours of Thursday morning, I check myself. Gun fingers. Tom's doing gun fingers. I'm negative on a lateral flow. Okay. Thursday lunchtime, I take a PCR. I'm negative. And Thursday evening, I'm coming home. I'm negative on both tests.

And Thursday evening, I start feeling a bit run down. There's a slight cough. Okay. I text you, don't I remember? I said, I think I might have COVID. You did text me. I said, I'm not feeling very good. Yeah.

And then I get home. I said to everyone, look, don't i remember i said i think you did text me i'm not feeling very good yeah and then i get into get home i said to everyone look don't come near me i need to do a lateral flow i went upstairs did the lateral flow straight away positive line comes up um so yeah and then what was your what was your emotional reaction to that just genuinely genuinely absolute devastation i know i know because because now it's what day so that was on thursday now we're recording this monday so i've not seen my daughter for like four days right like unless i look through a window and look at her and yeah so you're so you're so you're isolating within your house right yeah yeah yeah yeah so so how's that how's that work my parents were staying here anyway. Right.

So I'm just in mine and Catherine's bedroom. Catherine's in one of the spare rooms. My parents are in the other. And, yeah. So now I sort of look like a weirdo. I hope to God, like, Grace doesn't remember this weird week when she was a baby and her father was just peering in through a window with a fucking mask on.

What's clear from that is you've done very little research into when children start remembering things. The idea that Grace would remember this period of her life. When do they start remembering things? I think, I reckon four? Four? Maybe a bit younger. Two, three?

Fucking hell, you've just literally... I like the way you sort of think you're Professor Age. What I would say is it's a blessing that you don't remember breastfeeding, isn't it, I would say. Yeah, yeah, I'd say that's true. So we can rule that out. So when do you start eating solids? Eight months, nine months, I don't know.

I'll have to look into that. At the moment, it's daily for me. I look at where I'm at. I've got an app that says this is what you should be doing. Well, anyway, look, the. At the moment, it's daily for me. I look at where I'm at. I've got an app that says, like, this is what you should be doing. Well, anyway, look, the long and the short of it is Grace is not going to remember any of this period. Yeah, so I've not seen her, which has been pretty hard. That's been pretty taxing.

So, yeah, I've just been like a sort of Rapunzel in my ivory tower. Just sort of sat up here, like, just sort of... It's a lot more taxing than you you'd probably think actually this like isolation i tried to do 10 000 steps in my bedroom today so how did that i mean poor poor katherine just listen to you fucking tromping around that did you do it all in one go as well no i think i've got to 370 something 300 3,700. That's not bad in a very small room. Okay,

I've just googled it for you. Kids begin forming explicit childhood memories around the two year mark. Okay, cool. But the majority is still implicit memories

until they're about seven. So I can basically chill out, walk around the house naked until she's like probably 18 months. Yeah, I guess so, yeah.

Do you walk around the house naked now no i don't but actually lisa so i've as you know i mean god we've talked about this so much but as you know i've got body hang-ups yeah so i i um i never have my clothes off ever and then lisa said to, I think when the kids are really young, you need to try and hide the fact that you're ashamed of your body. So ordinarily, if it was left up to me, I wouldn't... I'd put my top on before my kids saw. You know, like I'd be like...

But because Lisa said, like, do you want your kids to end up with these body hang-ups that you've got? So I basically pushed those feelings down, walked around windmilling around the upstairs. You basically handled it like a 90s man right yeah it's like it's just weds down just walking around yeah yeah just pushed it down that's something a doctor's gonna have to deal with in about 10 years but for now i'm just walking around butt naked in the hope that my kids are going to be comfortable with their bodies hopefully getting enough money that

you can someday afford therapy. Yeah, for some reason my dad walked around butt naked around me until I was 16. Really weird. No, do you remember the first time you saw

like naked adults? I never ever, I've never seen my dad or my mum's genitals. I've never seen my dad's at the swimming pool. Really? Obviously by accident. I mean, he didn't. Yeah, no, my dad or my mum's genitals i've never seen my my dad's at the swimming pool really yeah no no my dad was like he was like he changed uh without any scruples of like he'd like literally get in the shower as soon as we got out of the swimming pool like you know trunks would be off

he's very very like sort of like full of himself and it would be knocking around the changing room like a real jock in some sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you feel seeing your dad's dick? Because I imagine, I imagine, because I know this

from the boys, every time they catch a, this is bad, I'm about to say this, but every time... I love the idea of them seeing your dick. I don't know why

that's so funny. I don't want to add to shit, right? I just get a feeling of them seeing it and then you just letting out a little sigh. You know when you're looking for rare wildlife or whatever? So when we did the travel show to the arctic and we saw a polar bear it's so unlikely that we're going to see a polar bear in the wild that we really really stared at it and stayed with it for quite a long time that's how i think my boys feel the

boys feel about seeing my dick it's so rarely it happens they want to sort of get as much information visual information as they can so it's hypnotic. It's almost like they're watching a fire. What, even now? Well, I'm talking about four or five occasions this has happened. Right, yeah, yeah. No, no, I didn't see my dad's dick. It's not like golden time at primary school. I don't gather them round.

Put out your cock. So last night we did bedtime story. Tonight it's look at dad's dick oh god that'd be awful wouldn't it oh it's weird that theo wants to go out to his mate's house for tea every tuesday what do you think that is probably because it's fucking dick tuesday with that oh it's dick tuesday theo's cheers go around his mate's house and he just won't stop crying sorry can i just say i'm not i don't mean it in a weird way they don't i just think that like they just want to see i guess kids are in yeah i remember they're comparing fascinated by it

yeah like at one point when i used to be in the showers my dad had to tell me off for looking at staring at like you know everyone's though he was naked yeah so you know that's the sort of how i mean i hope your dad sort of spoke to you about that afterwards. I mean, so if you're in the shower and then you hear somebody in the next cubicle saying to his son, can you please stop staring at that man's dick? No, he talked to me afterwards saying he can't go around looking at everyone's dick.

It wasn't like I was, these are the days before cubicles, by the way. Sure. I'm talking about. so it's an open shower and you'll just, so you're, so hold on, hold on. Your dad, you're stood next to your dad yeah you're both naked yeah right and you're and your dad's going can you just sort of face forward i had trunks on

right yeah yeah but you're but you're looking around at everyone's yeah but you know it's like i was looking around with the one you know like in a film where someone's like in narnia where like uh suzy prevency whatever her Narnia where like Susie Prevency or whatever her name is goes to like that whole new world and she's like oh my god

like she's looking around that is not a detail I expected you have to sit your recall she goes through the back of the wardrobe and all of a sudden it's snowing

and she's looking around in wonder I was a little bit like that as a kid in the showers like oh my god fucking hell this is what meant you know

and also you know a lot of these guys have been playing racquetball or there's a real atmosphere of chatting and i thought as an adult i'd love to be a part of that and actually i i fucking i'm terrified as soon as i'm in any sort of like communal shower space now so what have you thought of what your nudity policy is going to be with uh your daughter no i mean yeah i'm hoping that she... No, I'm keeping it... I'm going to keep it to a real minimum. There's a friend of mine, and I can't name him,

he got... He, by accident, his daughters saw him quite a few times naked, and then they, you know, he made a joke out of giving his penis a nickname. And then they recounted the name of his penis at school and like the teachers all got in touch and he got like you know they were asking like why he what you know why he paid a character out of it and stuff what was he puppeting it like the show no no but i think he tried to

desensitize well hold on what what name did he give it then i can't really say because i don't want to get him in trouble yeah but like if they say he's given it a character, that suggests he's given it a name like Thanos or something. No, not Thanos. I mean, yeah, if you're a geek like you, you might call it Thanos. All right, hold on, hold on. What's a cool name to give your dick, then? I don't know, like Marco?

Marco? I was at a restaurant with my brother and his wife and their kids, and their daughter needed to go to the toilet, my niece. And she said, I want Uncle Romesh to take me to the toilet. And so I took her to the toilet, and then I needed a piss. And then she, I sort of thought she was like looking at me, like from, like, weirdly. I sort of thought she was like looking at me, like from like, weirdly. I sort of stood at the urinal.

And I sort of kept her, I didn't keep her at arm's distance, like an animal or whatever, but she sort of stood over by the sink. And then my brother told me that she told me that my dick was smaller than her brother's. What? Yeah, I know. You're getting negged for how old is she? She must have been four at the time. Oh, my God.

So then I was like... Basically, she's a mean girl already. Yeah, and so then I sort of had to deal with my brother going... My brother told me that story, and then I thought, does he think... Now I don't know what's... I don't know if he thinks that his daughter has like seen it from a weird angle or actually

he thinks that my penis is smaller than that of a child also like your brother's a G right your brother's I can see that

he's a rangonading but that's a weird thing to start fucking flexing and showing off about isn't it well coming up to you yeah

my um my daughter says that my dick's bigger than yours no no no no but this is what you got wrong bruv it's not his dick

his son's dick his son's dick what yeah oh shit what oh my god I'm so happy

I didn't listen to that the first time his son's dick how old's his son he must have been what what is he, six? Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god.

That's so humiliating for you. Yeah, I know. I know. I thought you hadn't reacted to the story no no i was just thinking i was thinking like look you know that's brother shit like your brother's just coming up going yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's pretty sure that my dick's but yeah but to turn around to you and say yeah i mean like and then like my brother's wife just sort of went that's a bit awkward isn't it and sort of like smiled and then i thought, hold on a minute, does everyone here think that my dick's actually smaller than this kid's dick?

I just love the fact that your niece, who I really admire and love, by the way, is at four and she's already negging you. Yeah. If I was more threatened, I might ask to sort this out at the next family get-together. Right, or just at least have a look at the penis in Christian.

Imagine that. Literally over at Christmas dinner. Oh, we'll fucking both get our dicks out and see what happens. This has gone kind of dick heavy. By the way, I wanted to speak about this because I thought we were going to do the podcast a while ago. But I might as well get this dealt with now.

I've been doing a run of shows at the Apollo. Can I just say a big fuck you to whoever filmed part of my show when I was dealing with this heckler? Because it has made the last two weeks of my life a fucking misery. Just like, so basically, you know this like, there was a heckler at the show yeah um and somebody filmed it and put it online and said romesh got some racism at this thing it's completely blown out of proportion i mean like newspapers started reporting at it and on it and i've been

starting to get loads of abuse and shit like that from people going oh you can't take it comedian can't take it or overreacting to racism. I've had other people be, get in touch and be supportive. But the fact, the thing is that woman was not, she, she wasn't racist.

She was just hammered. Right. And, um, I can't be asked to get into the details, but what I can say is that I do think all of these problems stem from whoever filmed it and put it on. I mean, it's,

but it's thought shit as well. Like how, is there not a way that we can, you can get to a book? Cause also like for me, it's like But it's thought shit as well. Is there not a way that you can get to a point? Also, for me, it's like it's the same thing when you go to a music concert or whatever and people are filming it on their phones

and you think, you're not there in a fucking moment. I know. But mate, there's a warning at the top of the show to not film or photograph during the show. The whole thing is like keep it offline. Also, but who watches it back on a fucking phone and go, you know, is it rubbish? No, it's not. I didn't get the full joke because I thought here,

I got the punchline and it's just, it's shot on a... But I think that I personally, look, there's two levels of dickdom to this. One is filming it. The other one is fucking tweeting that shit or whatever, wherever they put it. Annoying. But I i'm over it now as you can probably tell um have have any of the people in question been in contact no what do you mean the actual the who the people that heck the people the heck or the rude or no but look the the truth is i get you get heckled a lot not a lot but like

shit like that happens like when it happened on the night, it was funny. The woman got kicked out. The crowd started chanting cheerio as she left. I made a joke about it, and the rest of the show was great, and we didn't think anything of it. And then I saw somebody posted a video of it, and I said to Graz, my tour manager, I wonder if that's going to be a problem.

And then sure enough, the next day it was reported in the papers, and then fucking once one paper reported it, loads of papers listen, by the way, I'm not making it out this is as big news as COVID it wasn't a huge story but it was big enough for me to start getting shit on social media so thank you to whoever attended

the show and posted that online can't you find out the original person and like just fucking and do what? what would you do to that that person i don't know man i don't know actually while we're here as well we need to shut up we need to uh we're aware that we need to get on top of we have got the the outstanding hoodies and t-shirts coming all right um i know there's a number of people getting in contact um saying they haven't received stuff i don't know whether they don't listen to this podcast and they just got like we are getting on top of that that there was a real problem with the people who were giving uh supplying us with these it's been a

problem since christmas that we've both been on top of um with we look in essence if we probably need someone to deal with this clerical shit who could do this. The Swan has been very stressed out by this. The Swan is insane and amazing, by the way. But what we've realised is the Wolf, Owl and Swan have tried to scamper, run and fly as quick as they can. What I would say is it's a problem for any fledgling business when they can't handle 50 orders.

There's 100 orders. Sorry, 100 orders, right. Yeah. And I'm getting a lot of emails from people, but I need to correlate that to this with Lisa. What it turns out is we were so worried about whether we could sell them or not, we forgot to worry about whether we could actually get the stuff

and send it out or not. It's a real fucking lesson for us. People are asking for refunds. We will sort that out. Are there people asking for refunds? There's one person who's asked for a refund. And yeah, we'll sort that out. We'll get in touch.

We'll sort that out. But yeah, it's a craziness. I'm really, really sorry. That won't happen again, by the way. Not that it matters to the people who've suffered the delay. We could get your niece to do it. She's pretty sharp. Well, you know what you could do?

This could be cool. Take it into one of the boys, Theo, Charlie, Alex, one of their schools, right? And make it a class project. That's cool. Open up a little sweatshop in Crawley. No, it could be quite fun. Like, if you turn up and you're like,

oh, yeah, me and the boys, we've been running this business. How do we all want to run a production line? Here's the sweaters, let's get them in. It could be quite fun. Yeah, I'll think about it. I'll think about it. I'm slightly worried I've come across negative

about my Apollo shows. They were really great shows. Listen, I've heard buzzing things. And let me say, if I was laid up with COVID, I'd have been in the front row every night just shouting and screaming like a One Direction fan who'd lost their mind. Yeah. But how much tour have you got left?

I've got loads. I'm touring until June. June? Wow. Yeah. I've only got two days left touring until June. June? Wow. Yeah. I've only got two days left at the Apollo. Can I come and warm up for you in a couple? No.

Why? It's fun. Remember how much fun we had before? Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But it was fun. But listen, I do like it when you come to warm up. But it's just... Oh, yeah, you don't have a warm up now, do you? Well, I've got DJ Martin too smooth. Yeah, it's just... Oh, yeah, you don't have a warm-up now, do you?

No, I've got DJ Martin Too Smooth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you don't have a comic doing it. We had a surprise guest. Walshy came and warmed up for me the other night. Yeah, yeah, alright. What if... Okay, here's one for you. What if at half-time I come on with a glass of water for you

and go, I think it's about time you... And then you point at the watch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's about time you and then you're pointing at the watch yeah yeah i think it's about time you what and then you have a break type thing right okay and then what happens well we both got here together i have a bit of a laugh about stuff and i'll probably just go home and not catch a second half of it or i'll have a beer with you after yeah i think that you need to work on kind of how you are backstage and stuff before we do something what would you mean how you're quite i would describe you're quite high maintenance aren't

you but in a backstage environment like for example like let's say for example you were going to do that thing where you came on and said i promise you so i was trying to force a call interval whatever yeah i would have to listen for the hour before the show starts to you debating how you're going to deliver that one line you agonise over it and then I won't be able to focus on what the fuck I'm going to do

because you're so worried about how you're going to do this but that's the thing I'm a perfectionist I'm sorry spank my bum and call me Robin I'm a perfectionistank my bum and call me Robin. I'm a perfectionist. Nice little Batman reference there. I can't do anything without really trying my hardest.

That's just me. I've got a year's worth of podcasts that we would refute that. That you've basically turned up and half-arsedassed i will come down and watch one of your shows just while i remember so look at this look uh let me show you this look at this i've got no oh fuck did you hear that i've got no um if i've got no sponge on my headphones because reggie our dog i got these headphones fucking eating them man and i i've got no sponge on my headphones. Why? Because Reggie, our dog, got these headphones and is fucking eating them. Man. And I've got a real problem here because I've spent…

These earphones are fucked. Ah! It keeps whistling in my ear. Anyway, I've basically spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on headphones that I've lost or broken. Earbuds I've lost and broken. I don't know what to do man like like are there are there indestructible headphones or what's the best can something the best ones i've had is those ones that we got sent samsung ones still got them going strong buds yeah still got them still got them going strong boy

amazing this thing keeps oh this thing's these headphones are making me deaf now this is the last time i can use these i'm gonna have to buy some new ones where are you gonna buy i really like the sony ones i can't find well i'm a beats guy i don't want to i mean i don't want to slag off a company but you know beats are sort of sort of known for being style over substance you know that now yeah yeah but then that's pretty much me in it in a lot of ways yeah i mean it sort of fits your brand isn't it really no i just like being stylish and cool and that is yeah and also i can hear you so that's how i think like i i i look you're you've got the whole dj wannabe fucking rapper kind of vibe so you probably sit like at night and listen to your i don't know your hooks and stuff trying to get your flow on i'm like i use

these for this and listening to your podcast here and there i don't need i need them just to look cool like when i'm bowling around london yeah you to carry do you carry depending on what sort of hat you're wearing you would like carry more than one earphone when you're out uh how do you know that is that what you do yeah of course it's what i do all right okay good i thought you're gonna if i'm in a beanie or if i'm you know what'd you go for with a beanie full headphones yeah yeah yeah full headphones beanie some baseball caps if i'm on a flat cap or a trilby earbuds oh earbuds yeah yeah you can't wear a headphone so for true you know what actually a trilby would look kind of cool if you wore your headphones like down like that yeah that might be something to try um yeah um i'll tell you what i have been doing at the

apollo is getting a lot of fast food shout out delivery delivery drivers every one of them every by the way every one of them i've asked bring to stage door and please ask for a rematch they've done it without complaint they've smashed it yeah but london delivery drivers are so much better than oh my god provincial town lond drivers, and actually all the big cities, Liverpool, shout out, I had some great deliveries in Liverpool. But yeah, mate, in these provincial towns, they're terrible. There's just not enough of them. Yeah, well, hold on.

I mean, this is all based on the bitterness that you've had off your pizza. When the drivers, did you greet the drivers yourself, or did you send your tour managers to do it? It was a mix really, 50-50. When you saw them, were you like, obviously Covid protocols and that shit, but were you like, did you tell them

to their face how much you loved them? I didn't say I loved them, no, but I said I expressed gratitude for what they'd done, yeah. Did you say God bless you and your bike? God bless you and your bike? God bless you and your bike? Yeah, because their bike needs half the credit.

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and what you really love, that's when it's gotta be KD. When you gotta do you, it's gotta be KD. Shop now. All right, do you want to do some emails let's do some baby okay hold on hold on thanks uh to the swan uh for selecting so tom do i see do i seem weird on this uh right now i saw here what do you mean by weird well because i'm currently because of these headphones, I'm currently hearing myself in my own ears. You seem amazing. Okay, great.

It's nice to see your face. Also, can I take this opportunity to thank everyone who emailed in saying monkfish to show that they got to the end of the previous episode. Yes, wow, amazing. You are loved.

You are appreciated. Thank you so much for your support. Okay. This is pissing me off here in my fucking voice. Your voice is my favourite thing. Yeah i don't want to hear it i'm hearing it i'm hearing me say it and then like a half a second later i'm here if i could get a sound tatter you know like you get dolls that you squeeze like their hand and it says uh i think eventually human beings will be able to do that and i have like sort of like what do you mean well we'll

have other people's sound chips like of loved ones into our fingers and stuff that would be a really good idea i think like you could squeeze i don't want to masturbate in here my dead dad's voice thank you no no no you'd have yeah i mean you'd have to they have to make it foolproof obviously it would take a while to get but if you squeeze your finger and you heard it and it just went go for it romesh you've got this and you're like oh good old tom you know or like i'd sort of squeeze my finger and it would be like um you're the best in the world like yeah it's like you could have different voices that you know why what's the convenience of um having to squeeze your finger to make it happen we know yeah i mean it's just

like a sound bite you can hear in reality like you'd hear like rather than sort of just look at or read like a tattoo sure but why does it have to be in your fingers why is that better than it being on your phone well no because what if you lose your phone or something and it's nice if you just go oh god you know who you'd have loved my uncle pete here we go can you can you put a chip in my finger that will play a mate's voice encourage me to do something in case i lose my phone can you perform surgery on me to put a microchip into my hand in case i lose my phone that's what you're suggesting i just think it's quite a fun idea look people get tattoos right that's the same thing with tattoos you could you just go you love tattoos you're all

sucking off tattoos right but before tattoos at some point someone two friends were probably sitting there and someone's like oh you know what i'm gonna get a drawing on my body it's like oh well bloody drawings are everywhere mate look you just get a painting why not just have a painting on your wall right it's the same thing no it's not it is no and instead of like you like because that's the trouble with you like you're governed by like convenience and you're like oh god it's scary out there in the new world and i'm like telling you now you know if me and you were to go to the moon together i'd hold your hand for the whole way if i'm like telling you now you know if me and you were to go to the moon together i'd hold your hand for the whole way if i had to yeah and and as i squeezed your hand it

would play the noises of five of your friends giving you positive mantras because you'd had some fucking mental surgery i just think let's just fucking agree to disagree and the world is an amazing place yeah but that wasn't the point you were making that was it the point you were making was you wanted us to have chips in our fingers that played favorite phrases from our friends yeah not just our friends you could get like barack obama on there right or like someone like you you really respected you know tom tom you know sat nav yeah yeah and you you download a voice onto your SatNav. Yeah.

And when I had one of the old school SatNavs in my car that you plug into your lighter or whatever, I downloaded Mr. T's voice. Yeah. And that was entertaining for about four days, and then I wanted to get rid of it. The situation that you're you're describing is having barack obama's voice inserted into your finger assuming that you're going to want that for

the rest of your life yeah but you could probably there's probably a way i haven't even thought what if what if barack obama's unmasked as a sex offender then what do you that would never happen by the way that's ridiculous i'm saying hypothetical well well then you'd have to go to the doctors or like the voice box people and just say look uh none of us could have anticipated this happening but on my index finger i obviously had the barack obama voice but in he's been out as a sex offender could i just get um a ben affleck and i assume they'd say something like now will you finally admit that this surgery thing was a bad idea yeah but but then no they're probably making a fortune from it i'll probably i'll go well we can probably see you in three weeks time loads of people got the barack obama it's just what i'm saying is

it's just something to think on sure okay first email this is from the chimpanzee hi wolf allen swan congrats on the newcomers to your households respectively love your work yours is the only podcast i listen to routinely so make of that what you will last weekend my girlfriend and i were in costa waiting for our order nice the young baristas brackets all girls were badly overwhelmed and customs were starting to get shirty one of the delivery drivers started to get really angry with one of the girls oh no we've just been picking up delivery drivers to which my girlfriend took offense and tried to intervene to stick up for the girls who were ultimately doing their best calling the guy out for being rude and telling him they didn't deserve

to be spoken to as they were at this point a clearly suffering addict who the girls were visibly distressed by fired off and sniped back at my girlfriend saying the delivery driver hadn't been rude and the girls needed to start doing their job my immediate reaction was to tell my girlfriend not to get involved out of fear that what the addict might do next but on reflection my girlfriend was right to stick up for the girls clearly no one else was going to and the driver and addicts were out of order i'm not particularly confrontational person and never have been nor intend to be in a fight but i've been kicking myself ever since for a not standing up for the girls and being not backing up my girlfriend when the addict barked at her i guess in hindsight i was scared of the unpredictable next move of the driver and

particularly the inebriated addict but i think i should have got involved have either of you been in any memorable confrontations with strangers if so how did you manage the situations or do you think that sometimes the best course of action is just to keep out of it yeah so i think you did the right thing i think sometimes it will feel that you'll feel like you're back down or you didn't do but actually in a situation like that i think you like pouring petrol on the flames will only go to make it it worse than it would you know especially with someone like you know as you'd sort of i mean you're saying an addict i don't know whether it was we talk about as a drunk or a uh drug addict whatever but either way there's an unpredictability to that um that i don't think i think like at the

moment you're thinking that it's probably coming from quite a sort of place of your masculinity thinking i wish i'd done this i wish i'd done that and some of that comes through watching films and watching in these like us having a fake representation of how we think we should be that version of sitting there right now and regretting not doing the things and not being this valiant hero coming down from the hills and fucking saving everyone it you know that's kicking you because that's just a slight crux and your your girlfriend probably i wouldn't imagine thinks that at all the the other side of that version is far worse it's a guy who steps in aggressively to a situation um with someone who's unpredictable you don't and what follows could be complete

carnage and then you're sitting on the other side of something and it's terrifying and some damage has been done and you're constantly and and there's no real going back from that so i think you've done the right thing uh yeah i remember sort of being about 1920 with my girlfriend at the time and being in a petrol station and a group of like guys starting on both of us i remember backing like down because like three or four of them and the two of us got in we got in a car and like i could i genuinely couldn't look at her for about two or three days after because i felt so embarrassed that like this thing had happened and like you know i'd hadn't been able to stand up for myself in the situation but I'd actually realised

that it's an old adage but being able to walk away is the best thing and there's times in my life that I wish I had been able to do that and I didn't and actually nothing bad will ever happen from walking away and the only hit that gets taken

and the only knock that gets felt is to your ego. And I think that's something that you can be very proud of. And I would not rest on, I wouldn't sleep too hard on yourself thinking that you did the right thing. Once again, great advice from the wolf there. Chimpanzee, don't feel bad man i mean the truth is you're talking about an addict um you're talking about an unpredictable situation like tom said

who knows how that could have gone down i mean and we all get we've all got into situations a little bit like that and the repercussions of getting involved and escalating the situation could have been you know you just don't know how that's going to go down i remember like my dad tell it my dad was in prison and he used to tell me uh stories about how other people had ended up inside and there was a guy that it was outside a pub somebody had said something he stepped in did the opposite of what you did got involved in a and was aggressive in the situation hit the guy the guy hit his head on a curb died uh and and then he ended up going inside it's like a single mistake but ended up leading to changing his life i mean that's quite a heavy example to give but anyway uh the point i'm trying to make is you just don't know how these things are going to escalate. But also, fucking people just seem to be so, there are some people that just get so aggy, man.

Yeah, it's needless aggression. It's the worst, the worst thing, right? The worst version that I had of that is years, a couple of years ago, I was at the swimming pool. is years, a couple of years ago, I was at the swimming pool and I was doing my lengths and every time I got to deep end, there was these fucking two kids.

I was doing my, can I just stop you a second? I know people hate it when I interrupt you. What do you mean I was doing my lengths? I was banging out my lengths. Yeah,

what does that mean? Did you have a set number of lengths that you always did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah,

yeah. How many? Between 25 and 40. Right. so you would just turn up there and just smash out a load of length yeah that's where you do it well yeah i know what you're putting like dip your head in frolic around for a bit do a couple of handstands three or four lengths broken up you know or you're sort of showing off your new hit waterproof earphones okay anyway so i interrupted your story so these two kids every time i got to deeper and they start fucking jumping in uh and i'm like at first i'm like okay yeah then i see them nudge each other as i go as i get closer they're like

they're jumping and i'm like look i fucking see what you're doing. I get it. You think you're fucking funny. When I was your age, I was the same. But stop this shit. It's fucking annoying, right? When I say they're kids, they're like 12, right? So then I swim back, and then I come back the other end, and they do it again, and I'm like, fucking hell.

So anyway, I just sort of went, like, splashed the water a bit. It was like, fuck's sake. It was quite a camp way anyway next thing I know this guy who's been lounging around in a hot tub who's probably about

like 5 foot 2 5 foot 3 covered in tattoos dolly on a chain kind of vibe jumps into the pool and he sort of waddles down

so he's sort of up to like his chest and he's like oi mate oi you fucking talk to my kids

mate I'm gonna fucking spark ya I'm like mate they keep jumping in when I'm swimming up here like it's really

really not on mate it's like this is this part's for swimming not for it says no diving he's like

I'll fucking knock you out mate you come down here I'll fucking knock you out I don't remember

seeing you at the swimming pool, actually. This is weird. No, he's more naked. He's like, fucking hell, mate. You come down here, I'm going to fucking knock you out, mate.

I'll bang you out. And I'm like, oh, look, man, I don't want to fight. And I was like, and then we started having this argument where I'm in the deep end standing up. He's in the shallow end.

We started this argument and I was like, why don't you come up here? And he says, I can't swim. And it's genuinely one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.

And I just stood there for a while just thinking, well, I'm fucked now. I can't. Yeah. But it was, that was a moment where I was like,

yeah, we're a real fucking fight. So look, chimpanzee, you didn't do anything wrong. Forgive yourself. You know, this shit happens.

Okay. Forgive yourself. You know, this shit happens. Okay, next email. So this is from the Raccoon Dog. Wow. Raccoon Dog. It says, good evening, Swan Wolf and Owl. Tom, congratulations on the birth of your wonderful daughter. I think I speak on behalf of the whole Wolf and Owl congregation when I say you've been like a father to us,

to all of us this past year with your positive words of wisdom. So we'll absolutely smash being a real dad. Absolutely love both your work. I write this whilst watching The Weakest Link and I'm excited. Oh, let me just jump in here. Weakest Link was amazing, by the way. That's very kind of you, thank you.

And if my daughter could remember those cherished moments of her first sort of forge into this mortal core that we call earth, uh, she will remember me and my family was sitting around watching to quite the corner here. Um, uh,

we, and my family was sitting around watching, uh, my dad. I've actually got an amazing picture of my daughter with you on the screen doing weakest link. One of my favorite things. Why'd you kick? Just as we've been doing this podcast, of my daughter with you on the screen doing weakest link one of my favourite things why do you keep

just as we've been doing this podcast you're wearing an Adidas track suit top which I assume is part of the agreement

for you to get this free stuff that you're getting and you keep pulling up zipping up unzipping the top of this

track suit you know what it is it's COVID temp what do you mean well I've got a bit of a temperature because of COVID so my temperature

highs and lows so are symptoms of COVID going through some sort of microminipause where you're like hot one second and cold the next

maybe I am going hot and cold quite a lot I have hot and cold flashes right so right this was watching the weakest link and I'm excited in anticipation for the curse I hope you don't mind Okay. Right. So, right this while I was watching The Weakest Link and I'm excited in anticipation for The Curse.

I hope you don't mind, but I have a few questions. At this point, I'm slightly irritated with the swan here because it's quite, no disrespect to the raccoon dog. It's lovely to hear from you, but this is quite a high maintenance email.

There's four questions here and they're not quick questions. Okay. And already I've made a dick of myself. There's only three questions. So my questions to both of you are, how did you first meet each other? Have we talked,

we've talked about this already, haven't we? I think we have talked about this. Does this one listen to this fucking podcast? Or does the person who's written it listen to the podcast? Well, it doesn't matter, does it? Swan selected this email. Yeah.

Well, we can do that quickly. We met at a gig, right? I don't remember this gig. It was an industry gig. Oh, God, yeah can do that quickly. We met at a gig, right? I don't remember this gig. It was an industry gig. Oh, God, yeah. I was comparing. You were the shit-hot stuff that was coming out and everyone was excited to see.

No, what happened was I was sort of, didn't really know anybody on the gig. Everybody else knew each other. You were hosting. Quite sort of... What's the best way of describing how you were? Sort of, you know, you were the king in your castle. Do you know what I mean?

And I sort of turn up as this kind of... No, you were like... If I was a king, you'd be like... I was King Arthur. And I had my knights at a round table. You would be like Merlin. Sure. It was around that time that

I'm not going to name the person, but it's just around that time that I was doing that gig that this happened. I was looking for an agent. I love this story. I got invited to a meeting with an agent, and the agent suggested that we went for a curry um and so recommended this restaurant and so i met the agent for dinner no lunch sorry

and we sat down and they went, I knew meeting you, I'd have to find a proper place. Wow. For, for a couple of shocks me that that happened. Right. So I was like, I know the person you're talking about.

So that was the first alarm bell. And then this was the person who was going to make your fortune. I'm still interested. I'm still here. And then towards the end of the meal they said, listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush, but I'm looking for, well,

I don't want to say it, but I'm looking for an act of your type. And I went, like what? And he said, you know, your type. Like a stand-up?

They were looking for a brown comedian, so they just invited one to a curry to try and see on the day. Christ. You know what? Well, we can't, but yeah. Go on, what are you going to say? I have a bountiful load of stories of that nature.

One day I can tell about that very person. Okay. So yeah, that's how we met that night. And we had a few beers after, I remember. We talked. And you were incredible that night. You were incredible that night. I watched you that night and I thought,

this guy's got it all worked out we all have the power to shape the world we're connected to the world we share to each other I am future I wait in the world

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You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294.

Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. And one day, hopefully, I shall carry this home. And do you remember what happened? I went up to you and I said, listen, man, I really like what you do. I'm looking for someone to start a podcast with. Would you be interested? And do you remember you sort of rocked your head back

and you did like a hearty laugh and you went, listen, little fish, I don't think we're quite in the same pond just yet. I think the truth of the matter would be I'd have just jumped at anything just to be anywhere near you i think i think the trouble was that night i was i had to go to hospital because uh well i don't i don't remember there was fire on stage that night and it licked hard those flames were governed by Roman's regularity. Okay. Two more questions.

Cool. Both of which I think we've kind of tackled before. How did the idea of the podcast come along? I think it was just pure boredom and we

talked about it and talked about it and talked about it and we just wanted to do something together and here we are. What's the last question?

Do you have any tips for new stand-up comedians? Yeah, we have one about 100 times um well look um my our tips for new stand-up comedians are um gig your ass off gig your ass off write your ass off and and genuinely i say this enjoy it like because you know what i was talking someone uh yesterday about why i stopped doing it for the length of time i did and that was just because i got really forced into doing weirdly by the same person that ramesh is talking about earlier uh into doing a brand of stand-up that i didn't really want to do and i would like i sort of compromised who i wanted to be on stage

and what i wanted to talk about and how i wanted to be so that became stand-up became a less of a less fun because i i felt like i couldn't i couldn't do what i wanted to do so i think go out enjoy it and and yeah do the thing that you can do the best yeah actually do you know what um the the thing that i haven't talked about that i do think you need to do as a new stand-up or as any stand-up and this sounds easy but it's actually quite difficult you need to do as a new stand-up or as any stand-up. And this sounds easy, but it's actually quite difficult. You need to find, you need to be you as much as you possibly, possibly can. And that doesn't necessarily mean

that you have to like be how you are. I mean, a lot of comics are the same on stage as they are off stage. Like I would say I'm quite similar to how I am off stage when I'm on stage but people like milton jones for example look you know there's he's a bit of a character on stage but that is him he's tapped into what he finds funny and he does that that's what you've got to do you've got you've got to try and cut away any expectations or what you think people want you to do and blah blah and just channel

yourself as much as you possibly can that's exactly right advice no that's the best advice because you know what i did the opposite of that and i did something i i sort of succumbed to being saying i didn't really want to be and that that like every time i stepped on stage when what was my second nature and the thing that i thought was funny about me was the thing that i was trying to hold back and i was trying to do something different that i thought people wanted to see so look what i would say is raccoon dog i owe both you and the swan a massive apology it turns out this email is well worth uh reading and answering so well worth turning up price so shout out the Raccoon dog. Yeah, raccoon dog. Big up yourself. Thank you so much. I apologise for doubting you. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

This is from... You want to do one more? Let's do one more, baby boy. This is from The Fox. Shout out to Fox. Dear Wolf, Owl and the Swan, please keep me anonymous for reasons that will become clear, but feel free to refer to me as The Fox.

I've had a girlfriend for a few months, but over recent weeks I've realised that while i respect and like my girlfriend i think she's amazing oh my god i'm in love with a co-worker oh no whenever there's a possibility of inviting a plus one on a night out i turn to said co-worker instead of my girlfriend and i very much enjoy spending time with her i love introducing my co-worker to my good friends but i'm reluctant to do so with my girlfriend oh my god wow i've been friends with a co-worker to my good friends, but I'm reluctant to do so with my girlfriend. Oh, my God. Wow. I've been friends with a co-worker for a long time,

so it would seem weird to venture further than friendship. I very much like spending time with my girlfriend. Things with her are great. But I wonder if there is a bigger world there. The co-worker seems to entertain the idea of her feeling the same. And last summer, we even went to Greece together as friends. It is a weird situation, as I do like the girlfriend but also wonder if more is out there I'm 25 we would not want to waste an opportunity we'd love

to hear your thoughts all the best the fox holy you know what the fox I'm gonna be quick here bro and like finishing through the girlfriend because if I'm gonna be completely honest with you you're being a bit of a wow and like this is like i'm gonna be pretty clear here as someone who has a daughter now like that's fucking outlandish behavior brother like holding on to the girlfriend while you curry favor and try and work out how things might play out with this co-worker isn't cool man like that is not cool like you need to just say right this is how my ship this is where i'm sailing and this girl that you're trying to make a passenger and try to keep on board it's not fair man it's not fair at all so you need to do that as earnestly as you might want

to do it and say like you can construct that narrative whether you tell her how you feel exactly or you just say things aren't working out however you do that you've got to be the bigger man and do that and that's going to be a very big at the age you're at now that's going to be a big cornerstone in how you are and don't get me wrong every each and every one of us has been in this position and it's a hard thing to do where you've got to be a bigger man and say look this isn't working and i've got to fucking go like yeah but you have to do that and you have to do it sooner rather than later as to the co-worker i think you need to have a clear conversation because i think when you're in that situation that you're in right now with someone

that you're going on holiday with and you clearly have feelings for and you're taken out of your friends the truth of it all is what will happen is if you don't if you're not honest and you don't talk to her about how you feel what's going to happen she's either going to move on in life and she's going to meet someone and that's going to create create like an like a problem between you or you're just going to stagnate and you're just going to do this thing and you're just sort of like you know and it never end up well like in this situation the best policy is honesty and i think you just have to sit down with her and say, look, this is how I'm feeling. It might make things awkward for a while.

It might make things awkward for a year. But on the flip side of that, it might be amazing. And she might just feel exactly the same. And then you're Tim and Dawn at the office, and you go happily into the sunset. But, yeah, I think this is a big moment in your life, brother, to work out who you want to be as a man. Whether you want to be a guy who's dragging a woman along,

hoping that another woman goes out with you, or you want to be someone who goes, look, this is where I'm at, and this is who I want to be. And like I say, I say this from a place of, I've made those mistakes. I don't know about Ron, but I've made those mistakes. I've been in a position where I wish I could go back and go give myself the advice i'm giving you i'm not giving this from a place of going holier than thou i'm giving to like a place where i wish i knew the things then

that i know now and yeah yeah go and do your thing brother yeah he's not being holier than thou but he did open his advice by saying that you're being a ****. Yeah, but I was... Like I say, I'm not perfect. I wish to God that I'd... Yeah. Listen, I actually sort of agree with Tom. Not a sort of, I do agree with Tom. This is my opinion.

If you're supposed to be with your girlfriend, you're going to spend all your time with her. You'll want to introduce her to your friends. You'll want to... You'll be proud of her with her you want to introduce her to your friends you'll want to you'll be proud of her you'll want to take her everywhere i know that tom feels like this about katherine but i know i can tell you that i feel like this about lisa i want all my friends to meet lisa i want to spend all my time with lisa i'm proud of her i'm delighted i can't believe that she's my wife you shouldn't feel like you want to keep her out of things do you mean i just don't think there's a bad sign whatever happens with this co-worker you need to end shit

with your girlfriend regardless of whether this co-worker thing's going to go anywhere because it's not fair on your girlfriend like what i can tell my impression from your email and i might have this wrong fox is that you're hedging your bets is that you are worried that this thing won't work out with your co-workers you're holding on to your girlfriend it's just not fair on her what you've got to do is you've got to treat these things as separate entities your relationship with your girlfriend's not right end it then see if there's something can happen with this co-worker and if it doesn't if it doesn't work out you still weren't supposed to be with your girlfriend because that wasn't right

the fact that you were kind of feeling this about your co-worker means that your relationship with your girlfriend wasn't right so even if you end this not being with your co-worker but not being with your girlfriend that's still better than the situation you're in now, even though it might not feel like it. So that would be my advice to you, Fox. Young man, you're at the crossroads. Take the right path. And what I would say is,

um, you are currently being out of order, but you're not a bad person. Of course. You're not a bad person. You know what I mean? But what you've got to do is you've got to evaluate the situation

and and do the right thing this is just a life defining moment and you just need to make do the right thing Fox good luck with it man

I hope it goes well do you for the new year we love you we love you love you Fox why did I say we love you I've told you I liked it i know it's sweet it's very sweet man i just i just think that i just think that this the fox has opened up to us i know i liked it

and you know what i put and sent an email that puts him in quite a negative light yeah but look mate we've all been there what's beautiful about that is like you you led forward like a hearty woman in a northern calf with a low-cut top on who was about to tell someone a secret. Okay. Well, listen, guys, this is the end of the podcast. For the second half of it, I've been hearing my voice echoing into my voice, and I reckon that's taken about 10% off of my... Let me just finish off with this off of my let me just finish off with this boy let me just finish off with this one prince this today as we record this is blue monday so i want to shout out for anyone who might have struggled anyone who's been for a

tough time i've got to say in the last five to six days even just before covid i felt my struggles i've like and and and since and one must shout you out again because you've been incredible as a pal and you've been as a mate checking in i want to say that like a captain on a ship in bad seas it will pass it's like every time that i've thought that i've had negative thoughts i've felt low or I've felt sat in this room on my own quite like I've let my sometimes let negative thoughts overtake my positive thoughts every the thing I keep telling myself is it will pass and I think it was Romesh who said that to me through text and it's an incredible thing and like even shouting out to the fox and and you

might be going out through some negative times coming through this but it will pass and i think that's the thing that you know i want to shout out to anyone who's struggling at the moment because this is a tough time you know it doesn't matter like who you are and where you are in the world and what background you're from these times can be tough and just know that better times are coming. We shall bake in the sun, my friends, and we shall smile, because the world will keep returning. Literally, as you were finishing that up, I was thinking, I'm about to commend you on a really heartwarming place in this podcast.

And then you did some sort of pseudo-Italian accent just right at the end there. I don't know what it was. I was trying to get the sort of Willa Keeper turning. Willa Keeper turning. It was sort of Mario. Yeah, I know, but I tried to do it in my accent, but it didn't quite work. But it will keep turning.

I did actually think it was beautiful, though. Well done, Tom. And you were beautiful. I love you, brother. And I love you. Hey, you're my guy. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the podcast um if you're if you're listening thinking this is a bit subdued it's because we're recording

this at 9 30 p.m yeah and one of us has covid and the other one's just on a 15 hour day sure on the back of four nights doing his apollo show so yo don't beat us up, because this tiredness will pass, baby. Yeah, don't beat us up. Join us up as part of the Wolf and Al clique. Shout out. You're the one. Peace out. Love you, baby.

If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you.