Wolf and Owl - Episode 6

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

We’re talking… chicken tikka masala, soccer celebrations, town rivalries and broken teeth. Plus the hotly anticipated results of our Tom vs Rom Cyberpunk poll. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served. Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler. That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler.

Both of them are known to pull up at your shows. Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows. Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing. They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all you hear is a huff a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog guys it's 2021 we didn't think this is going to happen the wolf and owl is back baby oh man it's we didn't know whether we were going to honestly when we joked around uh by the way we

did an episode we did a bonus episode over christmas we should talk about this we were just talking about this yeah where we uh we talked about whether we didn't know we were going to come back we put out an extra episode that we'd recorded back in the archives and it turns out uh that that episode was a piece of shit because and i'm just basing this purely on the fact that we get feedback we've only done you know four episodes proper episodes we've had lots of feedback on every single one of those i don't think we were just talking about this tom have you have you had anything i've had nothing on the aliens the aliens one is almost like aliens in itself it's like it's come out and some people

just don't even believe it exists i feel like it was a present that was like in a sense it was like the worst christmas present ever to listeners and people who've tuned into this podcast it was a present. That was like, in a sense, it was like the worst Christmas present ever to listeners and people who've tuned into this podcast. It was a misjudged gift, I think. That's what we should call it. What was weird about it, I thought, from my point of view, was that we really did downplay it. And despite that downplaying of it,

we didn't even get, I didn't get a single tweet, a single email saying something like, oh, that was actually, thanks for that little bonus. Nothing. Do you know what I'd have actually settled for someone actually going, I thought the Aliens episode was shit compared to the other episodes you've done. Can I tell you something? It didn't even merit, I'm telling

you this because you've not seen the email, it didn't even merit a negative response. That's how fucking... It was so fucking vanilla. You know, the Aliens episode was like someone at a 21st birthday or a stag do that people forgot was there. That's the worst human place you could be.

If you turn around and someone goes, oh, mate, do you remember Mark's 21st? It was such a good night. Fucking blinding. It was so fun. And the person turns and goes, I was there. That's the worst thing as a human. To be completely forgotten by the sands of time. was there that's the worst thing as a human it is completely

forgotten by the sands of time yeah that's what the aliens episode is yeah and actually i'm half minded to take it down again you know i'd rather it not be there do you know what i mean because well it's just embarrassing isn't it yeah we've had and by the way it's not that people haven't listened to it because at the beginning of the podcast we talked about getting a vote in for this uh for this cyberpunk debate right and we've had shit loads of responses to that not and let me tell you something tom loads of emails about it right loads of emails where people can't emailing in rom or tom based on who they think is in the right even in those emails not a single reference to the content of the podcast you know i get the feeling with the aliens episode it's like half an

hour in and people are just going they're looking around even though even though they're trapped at home they're thinking you know what i'd rather just sit in silence than listen to the rest of this or they're doing christmas dinner and it's on in the background and someone just comes in and goes, what is this? Yeah, somebody's going, actually, do you know what?

It's slightly putting me off my food having this on. Do you mind if we... I can't eat my trifle. I can't concentrate on my trifle listening to this shit. Anyway, Tomo, how was your Christmas

and New Year's, bro? It was chill, man. Very chill, very relaxed. I thought I was going to die on Boxing Day. How come? I had the worst heartburn. I've got to an age, I think, where I can't really eat the amount that I stick in my mouth.

And I had a little heartburn on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day was a little worse. What did you eat on Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve, I had a curry little worse. What did you eat on Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve I had a curry. Right. A massive curry. You know,

one of those big ones that we talked about. Chicken tikka masala, peshwari naan, I had some lamb chops. Lamb chops? Yeah. Lamb chops,

curried lamb chops. Right, okay, go on. Bombay aloo. What's the aubergine one that they do brinjal bhaji yeah that's one of my favourite things

it's soft it melts in the mouth your insistence on ordering chicken tikka masala by the way it's just it's fucking insane it's one of the best it's one of my favourite it's just it's fucking insane it's one of the best

it's one of my it's not it's absolute it might be one of your fate it's not absolutely one of the best dishes in an indian restaurant no i'm not mate i wasn't if you'd let me finish before jumping in because you're all fucking sexed up after fucking christmas and new year oh yeah mate i have been bagging non-stop you've got the beans in your pencil and you're jumping all over the place. Right. I was going to say chicken tikka masala is one of the greatest dishes globally in any restaurant. I sometimes go to a pub and I'm like... Tom, Tom, can I just say something?

Okay. I said it's not the best dish in Indian restaurant. And you've gone, hold on a minute. I'm not saying that. Wait till I finish. And then you fucking escalated the compliment. You're saying that

chicken tikka masala is one of the greatest dishes that you'll find in any restaurant. Mate, if there's a world where I was ever able to meet the fella or woman who ever invented

chicken tikka masala, I would literally walk up to them and to say you are incredible as a human being you have given me so much pleasure and joy if you ever need anything from me this is my number this is also my email follow me on instagram whatever but you know thank you that's what i mean and then you'd walk away and then they'd say to whoever they're with this is why I fucking regret inventing this dish you can't go

you can't go anywhere without some fucking moron telling you they've got a life debt to you oh god I miss the being able to sort of compliment

someone and give them a big hug like when you see them you know like you can't do that at the moment and I think that's I think that's missing

with my juju. I get slightly nervous about complimenting people because it sort of puts you... Yeah, I know you do. It does open... No, no, listen. Listen, Tom, let me tell you something. I give compliments where they're merited.

Yeah, you... I love giving compliments. That's one of the things... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do love giving compliments. But let me tell you you this you know how people talk about dogs and cats right and dogs right when you turn up regardless of what you've done to a dog you could have clipped it around the ear every single morning of its life when you come back it will still be excited as fuck to see you right full of the oh yeah yeah yeah whereas a cat right a cat is an arsehole most of the time and then occasionally if a cat sort of sidles up to

you and gives you a bit of love it feels amazing that is what that is what that's what you don't understand about compliments you compliment everything it's impossible to know whether you actually mean it or not uh Number one, I will literally, if you were here with me right now, I would kiss you upon the forehead and say thank you for comparing me to the lovable dog rather than a nasty little cat. Which, let me tell you something,

that's sometimes, I think with you, you've got very sort of, is it fur line or feline tendencies? It's not fur line you do you can't really you're fucking winding me up you can't really I haven't said that word

for a long time you know no but fur no but what you've done is you do this every time you're very close to an actual word because fur lined right is something lined with fur.

Yeah. Right? Okay. So, yeah, there is some sort of sense to your kind of wild guesses. No, but, you know, like feline is a word that's been in my head probably since I was 12. I probably heard feline first mentioned for the first time. You remember, do you?

Do you remember the day? What was happening that day then? I just think that someone's feline first mentioned for the first time you remember the day what was happening that day then I just think that someone's cat had gone missing up the street and a lot of people

were saying cat someone probably down the street was bored of saying the word cat so threw in the word feline what twat when a cat's gone missing

says oh god there's a feline missing I think it would probably have been Roger who used to live up our road and he was a sort of person in front

also the first person to have a nook called Roger but feline I think that was probably the first person to have a new call, Roger. But feline, I think that was probably the first time. And also then it was used in Batman Returns, do you remember, with Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer? That was used quite a lot in that, feline. I don't remember that.

It must have been, yeah, but I don't remember. I'd bet you, and in the scheme of how the aggregate is, I'm assuming between this I don't doubt you want to make a bet on that but no I mean

I've not made a bet on any of this but for some reason I appear to be in a fucking ongoing competition it's never supposed to be in a competition

nor did I confirm I want it to be a competition then every time you think you're right about something you now throw, well you know if you want to throw a little I know we've probably got to cut the film

buff so you watch this it'd be great to get in touch, Robert shall give you the details of the email and just say how many times Feline is mentioned in Batman Returns Yeah I will give you the details of the email because once again Tom still doesn't know what the email is it's wolfalpod at gmail.com if anybody wants to get in touch.

Anyway, the point, I sort of regret making the point I made, because I'll be honest with you, I do prefer dogs to cats for exactly the reasons I've detailed. Dogs are like delighted to see you. And cats are just like, I don't know what cats, if somebody can tell me what cats actually give to you as a pet. You know what cats do is catch shit in other people's gardens. That's what cats do. We've got a cat who comes here and shits in our garden. I've literally had to season my fucking back garden

like it's a Cornish pasty. It's just covered in white pepper. You have to put pepper down and then what does that do? White pepper, yeah. It's the only thing that will. And that's what keeps the cats away? Yeah, but it costs you a fortune

I'm out there all the time people think I'm crazy seasoning my garden you don't go out there with like a fucking pepper mill do you I assume you're getting like a

cracker no that's already ground I'm not like standing there like a waiter in Peter Express with a big pepper grinder he's out there for hours,

sleeping in that garden. Yeah. I'll see you in about six hours, love. I'm just going out to do the garden again. These fucking cats. Honestly, I'll be honest with you,

it takes about 20 times the amount of time than it would do just to clean up the shit in the first place. But still, you've got to do it, haven't you? You've got to show them who's boss. walking around with a fucking Hessian sack

full of pepper. But your dog, your dog must have shat in somebody's garden before. No. No, no, he doesn't. He's very, very, that's actually quite offensive. He's very,

he's amazingly well trained where he goes to poo. Is he? Yeah. Where did you train your dog? Did you take him to puppy training school? We did.

We took him there and then the woman, I got an argument with the woman because I said, I used to say to him, here, like, here, come here.

And she said, there's a H in here. Oh my God. She didn't correct you on your pronunciation. Yeah. And I was like, are you trying to say

that my dog is thinking, looking around going, what does he mean by ear? Like, of course, he knows what the schema of things dogs are. Like,

I was like, listen, I already have a fucking very close friend of mine who picks up all my grammatical errors. Thanks. I don't need you.

I'm £20 an hour or whatever I'm paying you. Who were you talking about then? You. Oh, and when did you train your dog? Six, about seven years ago. Okay, we were barely acquaintances seven years ago. Well, we were friends enough. You know what we were?

Let me tell you. I'll tell you what we were. I was somebody you looked down your nose at at gigs. That's who we were. I never looked down my nose. I'll tell you what we were. I was somebody you looked down your nose at at gigs. That's who we were. I never looked down my nose. I'll tell you what. Can I tell you for a fact you did. Let me just clear this up.

You saw me on Soccer AM. We've talked about this before. We can label as a humiliating televised experience where I was repeatedly released from a cupboard to die on my arse in front of the Soccer AM studio. We know that. Back on Soccer AM, by the way. No, nor will I go back. Really? Yeah. No.

I can't. I can't do that. By the way, because that's one of my Christmas highlights is when I hit the crossbar. I don't know if you saw it. Did I see it, mate? I follow you on Instagram. I couldn't fucking avoid it. The faux humility that you... Actually, you didn't do faux humility. I don't know why I'm putting that on you. You couldn't fucking avoid it. The faux humility that you... Actually, you didn't do faux humility. I don't know why I'm putting that on you.

You didn't do that at all. You were just like, one of the greatest moments of my life. I was actually quite... So what happened? You were supposed to do... Was it a crossbar challenge? I just saw the kit.

Crossbar challenge. Yannick had missed, I think, three times. That's the story that you don't see in that tiny little clip. Ball rolls in. I had to hit it to raise £800 for a very worthwhile charity. Hit it, hit the crossbar, bang. How did you feel?

Elated. I've got to tell you, I thought your celebration, I know you went, you did celebrate, but I actually thought you went smaller than you could have done. I mean, you could have really... I could have have done. I mean, you couldn't really. I could have, yeah. I mean, the truth of the matter is, I've always got something like that in my locker, I think.

Oh, here we fucking go. What? What do you mean you've always got something like that in your locker? I've always just got something in me that just can bring those little moments out, you know? Like that little bit of that spark of genius. You know, like people like me or Eden Hazard or Henri, those sort of people who could do something just a little bit special.

And you're like, oh, wow, that's fucking, that's why I'd love you to go on there. Mate, because I'll tell you what. How come you didn't think about doing that at Soccer Aid then? That's, I was injured for Soccer Aid, man. I'm coming back with a vengeance. I can see you now. I know you,

I can even see the outfit you're in, right? You've got a pair of your boot cut jeans on, right? You've got your Adidas gazelles, right? Right. You've got one of your,

a cable knit jumper on, right? Ball rolls to your tubes, rolls a ball to you, and then you just give it a little dink, and it hits the bar. I can see you've got it in you as well. Okay.

I can't go back on soccer, I am. As well you know. Really? They love you on there. Every time I go on there. And it's a different group now, isn't it? It's not the same people. Yeah, but still, it'll be like I'll experience some sort of PTSD or something.

I know I will. Mate, I think you should do it. Do you remember? Do you know what? It was so humiliating, that. It was so humiliating. The first time I came out, it went fine. And then the other times, as you know, you watched every single time, Tom.

I know that. And now we're mates, so you probably would feel a bit sorry for me. But then I bet you're fucking relishing it. Mate, I i went for the job oh that's right i didn't get a job right so you're absolutely delighted to watch me fucking tuck into a big old plate of shit every time a lot of us went for that job a lot of big names like people now who you go fucking out i can't believe you were the one who got it at the time anyway you come out of the stalls so quickly as a racehorse and got that big delicious job. You're like you were eating at the fucking top table.

I wouldn't call eating in a cupboard being at the top table. Anyway, so that happened about what? Six, seven? No, maybe longer than that. Yeah, that was longer. And after that, every time I see you at a gig, you're just like, yeah, that sort of snidey look. Oh, that's that guy.

That's that fucking idiot I will tell you I remember the first time you picked me up on something like me and you were heading back

we were both going the same way I sort of didn't live far from Cooley at the time and I said you said about getting I think

some sort of burrito and I said something that was a little bit wrong and you just looked around at me and went oh I think you mean I remember it well because it was like quite quiet said something that was a little bit wrong. And you just looked around at me and went, oh, I think you mean.

I remember it well because it was quite quiet. I don't think I say, I think you mean. I don't think I say that. I remember you had your hands. I don't deny that. You had your thumbs in your belt loops. And you look very happy it was like you knew that I'd seen Soccer AM and then you could have a little

it took me a while to fucking live Soccer AM down even my friends didn't really they didn't really want to fucking be honest I thought you handled it well enough Tom we know what happened I think you need to go back on there though to face your demons

i think you should i can't man it's too horrific we're talking about puppets fucking hell what this conversation really has gone off the rails anyway yeah do you want to know the result i'm trying to bring some structure into this do you want to know the result of this vote? So those of you I was about to say those of you that didn't listen to this previously if you haven't listened to this previously this is going to be of no consequence to you anyway but the point is Tom had played Cyberpunk

27, what's it called? 27.7 Yeah and been very instrumental in the downfall So Tom had moaned about it, and Tom's complaints were, to my mind, Tom's complaints were, Keanu Reeves is in the advert. I don't believe that he's played it. And why can you choose your penis size if you're playing in first person?

Those were the two key complaints, right? Those were big ones. Anyway, shortly after that, the game was withdrawn by sony right as a result of a number of glitches and people saying that the game had problems and tom well i'll say this though i'm not putting this on you actually it's unfairly putting on you people started tweeting us saying tom got it right yet again first it was a Christmas tree. Now it's cyberpunk. Tom's got it right. And the point I made during our now ill-fated aliens episode,

during the intro to that, the point I made is that was a coincidence. Tom disagreed. And so we put it open to a vote. Now, what I will say to you, Tom, just to get this out of the way. Yeah. It was a comprehensive victory for you. Wow.

Like, what's the percentages? I would say roughly 75-25. Whoa! What the... Oh, my God. That is... Thank you so much, people. Thank you. I genuinely...

I thought that the crossbar challenge was going to be the highlight, but this feels like i've hit the crossbar aka romesh uh in and in a joyous victory thank you so much i'm so humbled by this thank you the decision there to do an acceptance speech incredible what i would say i just want to qualify this a little bit okay yeah because the people that did vote for me yeah uh the few four of them wow wow uh the people that did vote for me made the point we all have the power to shape the world we We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future.

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side of toast only six dollars at anw's in ontario experience anw's classic breakfast on now dine-in only until 11 a.m that they didn't think people were going to vote for me because although i was the correct answer it's funnier to vote for you apparently right it's it's it's well yeah i don't think that feels very snippy little snake like thing to do there i'm just telling you i'm just telling you i'm just telling you what it says on the email right and the other thing that people said is that is that as a result of sort of the ethnic bias of email that rom often automatically corrects to tom and And so it's possible... Also, I'm sorry, that sounds

a lot like a sort of very Rom-esque type fan who's like, oh, just by the way, I know you've probably lost this, but Rom does change to Tom. Who talks about autocorrect? Look, it's been a... I'm not going to go on about it. It's been an incredible victory. It's been a hell of a road.

You know, Cyberpunk 2077, I've actually got my refund. Thank you. I think that's very go on about it. It's been an incredible victory. It's been a hell of a road. You know, Cyberpunk 2077. I've actually got my refund. Thank you. I think that's very gallant of you. Gallant. Gallant. Gallant, is that? Yeah.

Gallant. Okay. This type of shit. I think that's very canon of you and look I will tell you now I am

laying down my arms against the war on Cyberpunk 2077 if I see Keanu Reeves I'll say look mate thanks for the 50 quid back they're very decent here do you want a pint

and so there's your there's your people's champ ladies and gentlemen. He was fighting the good fight until he got his own personal refund. And now he's absolutely couldn't give less of a shit. He's literally laid his arms down as soon as he got his money back. That's your warrior.

Okay, that's your watchdog of cyberpunk. I'll tell you something very interesting. They're talking about bringing out a third-person version of the game. I think that's your watchdog of cyberpunk I'll tell you something very interesting they're talking about bringing out a third person version of the game I think so that's big things very big

very delicious so thank you so something happened to me tom that i'd love to get your take on hit me boy so over christmas yeah um as i was coming back i think i was coming back from my last job before christmas right and i was on the train and i did a little as you you and I tend to do, we do a little Instagram Q&As, right? Yeah. So I put out a little Q&A and one person messaged me saying, have you made enough money yet to move out of Crawley and live in Horsham, right? Horsham's the next town, right?

So I just answered that question. I said, fuck Horsham. Little joke, right? Little funny joke. Left it at that, right? That made the Crawley Observer, right. Little joke, right? Little funny joke. Left it at that, right? That made the Crawley Observer, right? That thing, right?

So with a little thing, comedian stokes fiery rivalry between towns. Sorry, is there a big beef between Horsham and Crawley then? Is it quite a... It's just the next town. It's just the next town.

But yeah, but is there... Sometimes some next towns love each other, but is there... Listen, I'll be honest with you. Horsham's a fucking shithole right and and they think they're let me just say and i don't ever like to make this political but to the people of horsham that is that is very much 50 of the view of this podcast

uh i've i i will say now i've actually dined and drank with people from Horsham and I found them to be great company. Yeah, I'm only joking. Horsham is perfectly fine. Basically, Horsham is crawly, but it's about five minutes up the road. Yeah, but I would say Horsham's a bit posher than Crawley. Is it really? Yeah, they've got cobbled streets and stuff and they've got

a wag of mummers. I mean, Crawley's got a wag of mummers now, but so that drags me on. I like Crawley Cinema, by the way. I've been there quite a few times. I really enjoy it. It's alright, yeah. So Horsham, yeah, so Horsham do think they're sort of better than Crawley, right? Crawley's sort of like Horsham's

common neighbours. I think that's how Horsham's set, right? Anyway, it made the Crawley Observer. Somebody I know tweeted me, messaged me, sent me a text going, oh, look, you've made the Crawley paper, right? And it was on like a Facebook page. I think the Crawley Observer Facebook page, right?

And so I looked, and I looked at the comments underneath, right? Worthy to do. I know. It comments... Worse than you could do. I know. It's the exact mix that you'd expect. Some people go, no, it's quite funny what he's done.

And there's other people going, I hate this guy, blah, blah, right? Fine. So far, the one that really got me, right? Somebody posted, a woman posted. It doesn't matter that she's a woman, but it was a woman, right? Posted.

I love the way he makes out that he's funny and a real laugh. You should see him on the school run. He's absolutely miserable. Number one, right? And I'll say this as one of your best friends, right? As a human being, you're genuinely one of the funniest, most lovely people I know. Your stage persona.

What part of people has ever seen your stage persona and gone, oh, he seems like a laugh. Like, people always turn around at me and go, I'd love a pipe with Freddie. I'd love a pipe with Jamie. People go, oh, I love Romesh, but is he really that crap? It's not your,

you're not Mr. Zany, are you? No, I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say I'm presenting myself as life and soul, right? But you know what? Do you know what fucked me up about it? First of all, Tom, you know how negligent I am as a parent, right? I've done the school run maybe three times in the last six months, right? Right.

This woman, this random woman has sort of made a judgment of me. Somebody else commented underneath, right, going, everybody's miserable on the school run. You can't judge him for that, right? And then she said, I couldn't believe this, mate. She said, people say hello to him and he just ignores them, right? And then she said, his wife's nice though,

but he's really rude. Well, do you think I've told her? She already suspects I'm a bit miserable. That's a low thing for them to do to you. It is, isn't it? To put that on a public forum.

Anyway, if anybody knows Jacqueline Bissett Jacqueline Bissett sounds exactly like the sort of person who his whole life is consumed by writing nasty things on the Crawley Gazette. I've made up that name. It's a great name. I was fucking, I was furious there, man. What did you do about it?

Nothing. Did you do it? No. I mean, I'll be honest with you. I dabbled with the idea of responding, but then I thought this is so insane. I'm responding to a fact it just was so mental i just i just stopped myself i just felt i felt i felt it was unfair it was unfair i do the

opposite of that i i am socially inept i'm fully aware that i don't make a good first impression socially inept no but mate you know when i'm in crap like if i'm in a group of people in this situation where i'm you know first impression i'm fucking terrible right so like so i'm conscious of not passing that on to my kids right i don't want my kids to grow up like me so if anything i'm going the other way i'm like hey hey i'm like brenting my way through the the school playground so for her to accuse me of that jesus christ i mean that's the problem though as you know tom mate i will tell you now yeah my dad said to me a long long time ago the world is never going to run out of dickheads what you got here is a dickhead i i play golf today right i play golf and for the most part i play golf every now and again someone might say oh you know oh you're the

fellow whatever and i'm i'm always as you know I'm always I'll have a laugh in the chat today I was having a particularly bad game of golf and it's fucking absolute

like faux banter guy who was playing behind me sort of tried to strike up conversation number one I had a gripe

against it because I'd I'd believe in social distancing I think genuinely I'm like you're playing a three ball here right which you shouldn't be doing that's against the rules i'm not a big rule guy but i'm like that's against the rules and then he comes over and he starts chatting to me and i step

back a bit and he went oh it's social distancing and started laughing i was like i don't know who you are no idea who you are you sort of and then he started like filtering through my clubs. These are nice. With his hands. I was like, what are you fucking doing? Like, and then just, you know, jokes. Like he started having these stupid jokes. Like he was like, how long have you been playing?

I was like, I've been playing for about three months. He went, yeah, I could tell by the way you hit it. Like lost his mind laughing at such an, but, and then I heard him say to his friends that he didn't believe in COVID, like it was a whole fucking fabricate. You know what I mean? You just, you have to just...

You really want to just lay something into someone and say something. I just, that sort of thing. Can I just say, if you don't believe in COVID and you think it's a hoax, fine, okay? That's your prerogative, yeah yeah don't don't don't make other people feel bad also but also don't make other people feel uncomfortable stepping into me when people come and step like walk up to you and when you move away and then they go

and then they make you feel bad for trying to protect yourself from a fucking global pandemic yeah yeah just like that's your choice, mate. You think it's fake. You think face masks are for pussies. Whatever. That's your belief, right? That's fine. But that's not my belief, alright? So just fuck off. When people make you, oh, look

at him, he's got his face mask on, haven't he? Yeah, I do, mate. I do. Because you know what? I don't care how much googling you've done all right i don't give a shit how many internet forums you've looked at i still don't believe you over the medical advice all right no my sister works in a fucking hospital in a hot spot of fucking coat like so my sister will tell me like the hospitals are full they are people who've got it's it's a thing it's a thing. It sounds a ridiculous thing to say.

And I've got friends who are... I don't know anyone who's had it. I was like, I've never in the fucking flesh seen an elephant before. I've never seen an elephant. I've never looked and actually seen it. But I've seen them on TV and I've heard other people have seen them, right?

So I believe that elephants are there. If I was to turn around and go, well, elephants don't exist. I've never seen them. That would be a stupid thing to say, wouldn't it? I have never seen anybody die from a headshot. But I believe that a bullet to the head will kill you. I don't understand these fucking people.

They've got such self-importance. They have to have witnessed something for it to be fucking real yeah and also if that's the case if that's the case you don't know anything you don't fucking know anything if that's the case if you have to have personally experienced or seen something for yourself for it to be the case you know fuck all mate because you have to you have to have it all proved to you literally bowling about fucking stinking a pack of rabad you're fucking sovereigns for the most part everything you'll get i i'm very lucky i yeah you'll get the odd dickhead i put picture up i broke my tooth on new year's eve i saw that mate i saw that last in into 2020 i broke my front

tooth it's like snapped the front i can't get into a dentist there's people worse off whatever when we went to uh when we went to rupert's wedding rupert yeah rupert uh producer on hip hop saved my life and uh comedy producer i don't know why the fuck i'm having to give a c but anyway the point is uh you'd done something to your teeth that day. Yeah, that's the initial break. So why? Talk me through this. I broke it on that very day. What a memory on this guy.

Well, it's because I was concerned about a friend. I was concerned about a friend. That's why. Well, I'll tell you something. I've literally, my heart is just full of light right now for such a special person. I broke it on a bagel.

It was a chicken bagel, but I think there was a bit of bone in it. Snapped the tooth. So I had a crown put on top of it. And that's how a lot of these tooth injuries happen, where you expect the food to be of a different consistency to what it actually is. You were not expecting a bone.

And you got a surprise bone. You got a surprise bone. got a surprise bone yeah a lot yeah a phantom bone yeah it's it's and you know your knowledge of teeth actually outstands me because you've got amazing teeth by the way beautiful teeth i've got terrible teeth mate how many fillings you had in your life so many do you know what this is this is a thing right so lisa has not had a single filling ever. Welcome me and Lisa together then. That is...

It doesn't put you and Lisa together. No, in teeth wise... It's something you have in common. Yeah, but that's very unusual for our generation. My wife, like yourself, she's had a number of fillings. She's in a filling club. For me... Do you know what?

I should have known. I should have known. I should have known. When somebody says how many fill-ins have you got, the only motivation somebody has for asking that question is to then tell you they've got no fill-ins.

I don't know how... Even though I live with a woman that's got no fill-ins, the fact that I fucking walked into that trap where you got to brag... This... By the way, ladies and gentlemen,

Tom Davis, somebody that will compliment you on your glasses knowing that you're not wearing a new pair because he's wearing a new pair this is the kind of guy we're dealing with right and i've just absolutely fucking walked smack bang into your minefield of the fact that you've had this is what look so my point was this right when you look after something like after something, sometimes I think with you, I look after these. I look after my teeth.

Do you floss? I floss. Mate, I have very gappy teeth. A drink of water that I swirl around my mouth is almost flossing. Get a shoelace in there and get all those bits out, yeah? Get a shoelace in there and get all those bits out, yeah?

So, for me, the thought of this is my first, I'm 41, this is my first big tooth incident. It's a big, big day. It was, you know, kind of like, wow, 2020 really is fucking revving up some here. And it's saying goodbye by breaking one of the sweetest, yeah. When did this happen? New Year's Eve, did you say? New Year's Eve did you say? New Year's Eve. Look there was a snap the cap had

done its job I guess the cap had been there for what? So when did Rupert get married? Two years ago? I'm not like you. You've got you're like a thesaurus of like teeth injury. I should have called you and said look mate I know you've had all these fillings and you've got a ropey old gob,

but what would you do in this position? I can't believe people think you're the nice one out of us. It amazes me. People actually say, oh, poor old Tom, you did give him a hard time. What the fuck are you people talking about? Right, go on.

Carry on. No, so I was, yeah, I was shocked and I was sort of dumbstruck by the whole thing. Right. I'm quite upset as well. So have you had it sorted out? i can't is the dent is sort of closed and you know so how are you eating now

then is it i sort of eat more on the right hand side of my mouth like a sort of cowboy with a secret so anyway the point you're making is you posted it up on instagram this is the start of this story um i posted up on instagram and uh yeah i've i had quite a lot of stick about my teeth which is genuinely like my kryptonite superman superman so the teeth thing a lot of people say is that the thing you're most self-conscious about not really i mean i've got a number of things like yeah but why so why is teeth your kryptonite then yeah because the i don't mind the fact they're quite gappy but quite a few people sort of went two footed and then to top that

I put a picture up the other day or yesterday where I said 150 people have said this year that I already look like in the last two days

I look like Tom Hardy Tom Hardy clearly that's a joke I've seen 150 people but loads of people literally like really insulting people just going

fuck off mate you don't look like Tom Hardy like seriously I really like your stuff but you're fucking deluded which I find sort of like

surely if you knew my humour you'd know that does that worry you that that's kind of your fan base no quite like it

people that are that fucking stupid I quite I quite enjoy it I feel I mean in all fairness, you reap what you sow. Oh, God.

Now, Tom, you and I were both involved in Christmas telly. Yeah. Was there anything you actually watched that didn't involve yourself? I know you tend to sort of stick to stuff that you're in, but of the stuff that you weren't in, was there anything that you particularly enjoyed? I mean, I've been watching Catfish a lot.

You know what? So the reason I'm sort of intrigued by you watching Catfish, right, is like over Christmas, I have watched in its entirety. And so when I say entirety, I'm talking about 50 episodes, right, of the 2010 series of Coach Trip. Mate, number one, I'm so fucking jealous because that is an incredible show coach trip i love that show is that the woman had the fight on the coach yeah i can't stand you that show is fucking unbelievable is that is that they're not doing anymore are they

no no i think they do celebrity one now right they like celebrity pairs get together go on it oh it was a it was a weird feeling right because so i was watching it was me lisa and our eldest son right watching it every night right and um i got gripped by it and there's something weird about getting gripped by something that happened 10 years ago do you know what i mean like it is uh you're not watching a drama you're not watching an old film you're watching this reality series from a decade ago it's a bit of a weird flex do you know what i mean but i might even go back and watch that you know it had uh russ and caroline from scooch in it do you remember that yeah i remember it i remember

the fight on the coach yeah and. And I remember what was great. They really cut into different factions, didn't they? Oh, mate, the politics in that show, incredible. How, like, when I look at you, right, that's, how do you think you'd cope on coach trip? How do you think you'd be as a... I think I would go, like, second, I'd get voted off like second or

third day do you know do you know um lisa she we're watching it she got such a fucking she turns to me and she goes it's so funny you know when you start to get an idea of what people what people think about you and and as a couple i get a real insight into what lisa thinks about us right she goes to me could you imagine us being on coach trip and i was like yeah i suppose so and she goes and she goes what do you think um how do you reckon we do and i said well i said it just to wind her up i go well you're quite intolerant aren't you so i imagine you'd start turning on people pretty quickly and then she goes and then she goes honestly man bearing in mind I was joking, right,

she says, without any fucking humour, right, she goes, and what, you think people wouldn't find you annoying? Just straight away.

Wow. Right, like proper like, proper like cut to the quick. Do you know what I mean? That's, that's, I thought it was cut to the quip.

Is it not cut to the quip? No, cut to the quick. Oh, I thought it was quick because you've made a quip. No, not cut to the quip no cut to the quick oh i thought it was quite because you've made a quip no cut to the isn't cut to the oh no i i do not i do not want you to get a hat trick against me let me just have a look here i'm good so it's cut to the quip no cut to the cut to the quick means to in it's too quick to injure someone, to hurt someone with words or an action.

It would make more sense if they said cut to the quick. A cut to the quick. Quick is the living tissue underneath your skin. Oh, right. And so that's what it means. You cut to the quick. You've gone through the tough exterior and you've got through to the soft bit underneath.

See, I think I'd do really well on coach trip. What makes you say that? I just think I'd sing songs. I'd just be a laugh. I'd sort of like... Do you know what would happen? If you and me were on coach trip...

You would hate me. All of the other couples... You'd be one of those pricks. I'll tell you what would fucking happen. Every fucking vote, you'd be all friendly and lovely. It would come to the voting thing and you'd go,

it's nothing personal. nothing personal at all. But we're going to give our yellow card to Tom and Catherine. Just Tom's been quite loud on the coach today. The sort of bizarre way he speaks to foreign people. Thanks, everyone, for coming to restaurants. He ordered a croque monsieur as if he'd just woken up from an accident. It was really embarrassing. You're standing there quaking in your merrils that I'm going to get the fucking

hump of your head. You're fucking such a wanker. I'd be like really hurt and go, oh, fucking hell, I was going to vote for Sue and Jeff. But, well. I think if you and i were like a couple together on it right if you and i went as a team on the coach trip you would be so much more popular than me and i'd just be getting so frustrated at why everyone loves you so and

then in all the in all the votes it'd be like honestly the thing is tom we love you we really do love you i feel so sorry for those people it's a vote tonight we're voting for Tom and Rom I say Tom and Rom it is mainly Rom because because Tom

you're actually such a sunshiny presence on the coach and sometimes actually I was saying to Sam we feel sorry for you sometimes

you know because you're trying to keep the energy up and then Rom you're just sort of like a little sourpuss sat next to him correcting his we were all in the bar and Rom asked to split the bill he said

asked for a receipt to split the bill when Romesh at length started talking about how you can't really call it champagne because it's not from that region it really did sort of it did put a little bit of can't really call it champagne because it's not from that region. It really did sort of, it did put a little bit of a damper on the evening to be honest with you.

And Tom is just, Tom's just, he's just there for fun. He's just there for laughs, you know? I feel so sorry for those people. I'll tell you one of the worst, there's a celebrity one and it's got the, it's got like a, I think they're from Gogglebox worst there's a there's a celebrity one and it's got the it's got like a

I think they're from Gogglebox there's a father and his daughter and it's so clear everyone realises it's a dad because he's quite a sweet

gentle sort of guy and then the daughter's just ruffled a few feathers and everyone starts voting for her and it's such a I do I love those shows

Four in a Bed is one of the best shows to watch oh it's so good although you get very wound up by it yeah every now and again I get a text from you going

fucking Four in a Bed is absolutely really getting to me this week world's strongest man I'm watching oh I love world's strongest man no spoilers

I saw Eddie Hall no spoilers I saw Eddie Hall at a at a boxing match once I nearly started like I properly started fanboying did I ever tell you about when I met Thor?

no go on what happened? oh that guy right so I know Magnus Samuelsson relatively well I did a show with him a couple of years ago and he's a cool guy like

hall of famer amazing strong man so I did a show with Thor. I was literally like a fucking kid at Christmas, like, oh my God, Thor is going to be fucking doing it. I was buzzing, right? And I thought, he's like a little bit taller than me. And I basically became every person that's ever asked me

annoying questions about being tall to Thor. So when Thor arrived, he sort of like walks in and he just had that thing you know he had uh when he was lifting he had the um paralysis on his face yeah so it's sort of like it looks sort of and he so he's not a happy chap I'd say Eddie Hall was a very you know fun guy and I said to Thor I was like hey man how you doing yeah how was the flight and he was just like flight was okay it was okay flight. And I was like, do you have like two chairs on the flight or do you just have like one?

Oh my God, did you say that? Yeah, I was trying to sort of half laugh, half joke. Now I just realised... By the way, that is a joke. That is a joke. If somebody said that to you, you'd be complaining about them on this podcast right now. Yeah, I just now realised that I am actually the bellend who I was complaining about.

Go on. Right. Go on, so you asked him if he needed two seats, right? Yeah. And then we sort of, yeah, I'd asked a couple of things and I was sort of like, you know, just asking about his diet and stuff and I could tell that I was annoying him. So I sort of tried to, and we were all going out for dinner and I had like sort annoying him so i sort of tried to um uh and we were all

going out for dinner and i had uh like sort of a quite a nice sort of jacket on yeah and he said oh um oh i like your your jacket where did you get your jacket from i said oh from a shop and uh oh my god oh my god and Oh my God. He went, you took fun from me? Like that. And I was like, and then from that,

like from that day, I saw him another couple of days. He literally hardly talked to me for like. Tom, I love you. Right. But based on what you've just told me, like you,

you, you, you, that, that, that collection of incidents you're a complete bellend there's no I would actually judge I would actually judge him more harshly

if he'd been friendly to you after that because to you, you've given him all the signals that you're a complete piece of shit the shop thing alone is a red card offence let alone the fucking two seat thing You're a complete piece of shit. The shop thing alone is a red card offence. Let alone the fucking two seat thing. I think because he is like you on acid when it comes to fucking, like he's emotionless, right?

Like you could do the sort of down face, quite sort of like straight face thing, right? And that puts me on edge. You know it does because I'll say something to you, like I'll make a joke and you'll just do this thing like, oh, did you have a coffee this morning morning you'll just look all straight face and go no didn't get off for one and i'll go oh shit well that's more to do with how the set's being run at king gary to be honest with you it's very much it's very much a hierarchy there isn't it

old number one on the call sheet always gets his coffee i'm there like a fucking mug waiting for someone to find an old nespresso machine dust it off oh fucking hell his royal highness romesh wants himself a coffee right right go on yeah so i get i like people being like that put me on edge that's that's the truth of it and i didn't think i was going to be that so real talk and so truthful there but people put me on edge so can you imagine he has no emotion at all

he's very like that he's just literally like whatever you said to him and I said other nice things you've not said a nice thing to him yet oh no I was like oh man I'm fucking I can't believe you haven't won world's strongest man yet other nice things you've not said a nice thing to him yet oh no I was like oh man I fucking go on

I can't believe you haven't won world's strongest man yet oh my god no matter the time I put that film why would you say that because he's like

an amazing I was like oh you fucking how haven't you why haven't you won again I can't believe you're still failing I can't believe

you haven't managed to do I can't believe you haven't managed to do i can't believe you haven't managed to yet do the thing that you devote your life to trying to achieve how does that make you feel i can't believe i can't believe you haven't done it not it's so amazing how you're doing those competitions it's i can't believe you haven't also i don't i'm making i'm literally i'm this is the worst bit actually now. Go on.

I also spoke to the catering people to say that he probably wouldn't like, he only ate meat because I'd read about it. I'd Googled it before. So when he went there, they'd made loads of meat for him, but he actually wanted like potatoes and other stuff. But they hadn't made enough for the corner.

What did you expect to get from that? Because I just thought it was a nice act to say, oh, make sure you do loads of meat for Thor because that's all he eats. Like, he only eats meat. And then what would happen is he'd turn up and then he'd go, you got mid? And they'd go, yeah, we've got loads of mid.

He goes, how come you knew to have so much meat? And they'd go, it's actually, it's that guy. You know that guy that you kept saying was an absolute fucking piece of shit earlier? He's actually pulled it out of the bag and sorted out some meat for you put it this way he was yeah so he was quite a testy sort of person to get along with i found right he like i say actually i can imagine like you and him getting on quite well in a way like you'd be like you'd sort of be quite sort of like even kilter together thank together. Thank you, Tom, for that.

He's actually similar as well, like in a way that he wears a lot of that, what's that shirt? Urban Outfitters sort of stuff like you. You're such a dick. You're such a dick. Do you follow Thor, by the way? You've met him before, right? He came on League of Their Own, I think. Yeah, I wasn't there that day. No. Well, you know, we do do episodes without you. Tom. Yes, sir.

For the first time of 2021, can you please take us home? So, listen. Sometimes you're going to walk through life thinking you're a butterfly maybe even flying rather than walking thinking that you don't have to worry about the ground and how it feels beneath your feet because you have wings and then you look on the floor and you'll see a caterpillar trying to break out of its cactus or whatever it's called and you'll laugh at it and sneer a little forgetting that once upon a time you used to be the fabled caterpillar i guess what i'm trying to say is this no matter how much colorful uh resonance you have upon your wings remember once upon a time you too were a slug-like thing trying to break free

god bless you all okay um there's a couple of things i want to talk about yeah first of all um i think if you're going to do a butterfly caterpillar analogy sort of be confident that you know all the correct terminology i don't know if you're doing it you're doing it deliberately to wind me up but a cactus yeah that's what is it called

a cactus no what a cactus is a plant but also what is the thing that it comes out I thought they came out of like cactus type

it's like a cactus what it comes out of right chrysalis oh fucking hell Jesus Christ how am I going to know chrysalis I guess hell jesus christ how am i gonna like chrysalis i guess because you get taught it at year two at school i mean like butterfly isn't that like isn't the fucking isn't the biological process of a butterfly like the fucking first thing you ever get taught

at school yeah but there's some shit i've just fucking that gets thrown out of your head you're like oh yeah do i need to i know that caterpillars become butterflies don't need to know fucking old life story yeah okay but you you obviously don't know the word so don't fucking use i don't understand why you'd use it because it it was a nice bit of the fucking story yeah but you could have you just go the caterpillar emerges as a butterfly you don't have to say it comes out of a cactus but i'm not doing that story again we can no you're not absolutely not what was your other point towards anything else no i think that was it really it was i thought apart from that it was quite nice and beautiful actually do you know what apart from that it was good yeah i've never seen i've never seen that analogy used from somebody

about somebody actually emerging yeah yeah and if you know what i was talking about no what were was talking about? No, what were you talking about? Well, hey, the message behind the whole thing was I thought I was the butterfly because the guy was being a slug-like caterpillar to me earlier. And actually, it turns out I was a caterpillar and Thor was the butterfly. Was that the point of what you were doing?

Was that what that was? Okay. It was good. I liked it. It was good. I didn't understand it liked it it's good i didn't understand it but it's good um if you've got any uh messages questions queries please email them into the wolf alpod at gmail.com uh tom what did you think of that episode first one back enjoyed it you know get the dust off your heels yeah uh yeah um and yeah and also the fact that

me and you haven't spoke that spoken, let me just say quickly this is the longest we've not spoken to each other since March so yeah, that's a long time which is what, three weeks? I felt like we almost had too much to kind of say to each other in this episode and we haven't even started about your cool new haircut

what do you think of this? I like it, I like this sort of like quiz, it's just grown out i need to get it cut i mean i don't think you should all right you know what i'm gonna say this and we're gonna go out on this comment and this is meant for the bottom of my heart you look really handsome like your hair the glasses adidas top combo beard is looking on fleek. You look absolutely stunning, sir. Wow. Thank you so much, Tom. But? No, no.

That's it. That's it. Thanks, mate. You look good too. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Thank you so much, guys.

Love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.