Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 11: Holiday Beers & Needy Risotto

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

We’re talking… mini-Sagres beers, vegan bacon dust, needy risottos, signing pebbles, Tom’s new TV obsessions, the ever-changing Kanye West and getting creative in stand-up. Then we take a look at some of your emails, with questions on losing weight to please a partner, putting off seeing the doctor and the rights and wrongs of pissing in swimming pools. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill. Never sheep's clothing.

Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff, a puff and a... Expect killings. Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding.

Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Okay. Welcome to all for now. Robesh has got a beer on the go. Robesh has got a beer in the dark. too fucked on this, yeah? Mate, mate, mate, how many have you had? Six today? That's my third in... Wow. What time is it now? I started drinking about

ten. So we're all good, mate. We're all good. What, ten this morning? Yeah, so that's my third one. So how... What's the time where you are now?

Is it the same time as here? Same time. I'm only joking. This is like my first beer. I've not been drinking at all. Are you boozy this holiday? How boozy have you here? Same time. I'm only joking. This is like my first beer. I've not been drinking at all. Are you boozy this holiday? How boozy have you been? Not very.

Beef came around a couple of times. Andrew Beef Johnson. Oh, Beef. And I got drunk with him. People's golfer. Yeah. I'd say I've got hammered

a handful of times. And I have been drinking a lot, but like, not like I've not been on it. Have you bumped into any other cool dudes while you've been out there? Like who? Any other cool dudes from you've been out there I haven't

any other cool dudes from the way bumped into I say bumped into arranged to meet up with Jason Manford met up with him whoa

shout out Manners yeah big Jason Manns but he's not a big living it out he's not a big drinker so no he's not a drinker at all

is he a drinker at all I don't I don't think so so yeah he was what I love about Joe he's a cuddly kind of guy yeah very good yeah he's not a drinker at all, is he? Does he drink at all? I don't think so. What I love about Joe, he's a cuddly kind of guy. Yeah, very good. Yeah, he's got a nice life. We hung out at, what was it? Aqua Show, the water park.

What's that? Oh, nice. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Have you seen Blackfish? Yes, why? No, I'm just saying that. No, what's the point of making? Well, no, did you go to like a SeaWorld centre?

So I went to a water park, Tom. So where in Blackfish did they talk... Blackfish, that's really fucking put egg on my face there in terms of this little slang. Where in Blackfish did they talk about the lack of ethics of the twister? No, no, I thought it was like you were going to a sea life centre kind of.

Well, actually, I'm glad you said that because I did go today to a place like that. So basically, a few years ago, I went to... This is quite coincidental that you mention this, because a few... God, this is really relaxing. By the way, let's put some context into this. We're doing an evening record.

Can we just say, by the way... This is... I don't know. We are trying to... Every episode over the last month we're trying to drop the energy levels the next one

we're both going to be laid down I don't know where it goes from here right I think yeah let's just disclaimer like yeah

I was hungover this morning and I spent the day at a food festival where I've eaten quite a lot and I drank a lot yeah you went to the cheesy pig or whatever didn't you

oh my gee so mate shout them out by by the way. Shout out Cheesy Pig for their vegan wares. Listen, here's a tip, Cheesy Pig. If you've got vegan wares, don't encourage to have the Cheesy Pig. What are you talking about? They've got amazing vegan bits there.

The Cheesy Pig has got amazing vegan bits. Mate, mate, mate, mate. Sometimes, right, you've got to look further than the name, yo. You've got to subscribe to something deeper than the fucking things that you see. You've got to take it into the shallows, like Lady Gaga, do you? Yeah. Right? Well, you know, if I'm walking along as a vegan and I'm hungry,

where am I going to go? I've got a choice of two places. I've got the cheesy pig. I've got the place with the white guy with dreads in the window. I think I know which one I'm going to, all right? I think there's a white guy with dreads who works at the cheesy pig, I've got the place with the white guy with dreads in the window. I think I know which one I'm going to. All right? I think there's a white guy with dreads who works at Cheesy Pig. It's the geezer tipping quinoa into a set of scales. That's where I'm going to.

Not the guy with a vat of cheese sauce. So Cheesy Pig does vegan stuff. So where, hold on, talk to me about this. So where'd you go? We went to a local burly place in Burley. It was incredible. And yeah, a lot of food fans but no they did uh fake bacon cheese and cheese fries i think it's vegan uh cheese fries as well it was

incredible man i mean it doesn't but i i actually quite like uh vegan bacon i'm getting into that taste no like the faux bacon no you just don't like it at all, do you? Well, I've tried. There is one I tried, but you don't like it. It's that this isn't bacon. I quite like that. Yeah, I think it will. But this is the test for me. I very rarely eat it. You know when you say you like something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? I have this with albums as well, right? Somebody said to me, someone would go, do you like this album? And I go, yeah, I do like it. I think it's good. And then I think, hold on, I haven't listened to it for like, so I can't like it. Do you know what I mean?

So I say I like vegan bacon or I enjoy vegan bacon, but I don't, I don't ever buy it, ever. This place, this place had vegan bacon dust. Vegan bacon dust. Yeah. Like it's like a bacon flavoring that they cover your chips and cheese and with. It's fucking amazing. Yeah. I bought some of that. Have you bought some? no because i saw it on do you know on um

am i talking a lot am i all over the place i feel like i've come on like i've done half a gram or something like that my conversation is all over that would be the saddest but yet my probably my favorite version of this fucking podcast is you sitting in your 13-year-old son's room on a family holiday. Just some... So, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no, honestly... With a little wrap of gear that you put on. No, no, no, no, no.

Trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me. If you want bacon dust, I bought some of that off the internet, and it's... They say it tastes like bacon, but, mate, come on, I can tell the difference. Like, I can tell the difference. Like, I can tell the difference straight away. Like,

you put it in front of me, put it in front of me, go, what flavour is that space? I can tell the difference. Like, trust me on that. No,

because I... Because then you're staring when I don't answer. No, but I did, I did buy a load of that. I think it was, there was like a load of vegan bacon-like powder

that apparently if you put it on mashed potato, you put it on chips, you put it on whatever. Oh, God, I can't imagine what it'd be like on mashed potato. Yeah. I love that. It's a tater tots. Yeah. Key sauce.

It was incredible. So shout out, Cheesy Pig. Shout out, Cheesy Pig. And can I just apologise to you, Cheesy Pig, for insinuating that you wouldn't have any vegan uh ting tings you know what i got home as well and i made the mistake of saying to katherine i'll cook dinner um and for some reason i've decided to cook a fucking risotto who you ever cooked a risotto many times many many many times I love the taste of risotto I love what

but risotto for me is like reading a really long book it's like just a fucking long arduous task where it would be easier for someone else

to do it for you well that's true I don't think that's peculiar to risotto that it would be easier if somebody else did it for you yeah no but

yeah it's different if I'm just making like a fucking goulash or some shit where I can just ping it all in the oven and it's quite quick. Risotto, you've got to stand with it the whole time. Well, I would say I agree with you on that. That is where my problem with risotto is.

Because I do quite a nice five-bean chilli if you don't want to have sex that night. I'll just say, by the way, you've gone from cocaine wrong, where I was actually thinking, well, fucking, my guy's come back from Portugal with a bit of edge to him, to this guy. So you're a bit like, yeah, yeah, yeah, so just a lot of grammar and shit, yeah? Yeah, it's a teenage going. No, listen, I do a pretty good...

You know what, yeah, yeah, so I do a pretty mean five bean chilli. I do a pretty good five bean chilli. You have to get those onions. You have to break those onions right down, yeah? And I also make the tortillas. I also also get the tortillas cut them up into little triangles and then fry them teams yeah next level thing but the great thing about a five bean chili is you can leave that you do the ingredients you throw it in low heat go and do something else watch the first half of toy story three or whatever, right? With Risotto,

you have to attend it like a fucking needy toddler. The whole time you stood at the thing, it's so irritating. I had, I was looking after Grace and doing a Risotto at the same time

and both required so much attention. That was, it was a killer, boy. Absolute killer. Yeah. Where's your T-shirt from, G? My T-shirt?

Nice. It's, I got it from G my t-shirt nice it's I got it from some shopping it's a holiday purchase what do you think Rick and Morty nice I like it

yeah it's nice you cut well how often are you in the gym when you're out there er three four times a week I would say

no but do you know what can I tell you about this t-shirt this is the last time it's going to look like this I can feel it you know when you put it you know when you know as soon as this goes in the wash this is it's over yeah be careful man because yeah yeah we have to be careful because we're selling t-shirts and stuff now so huh i don't want to bite back i don't know

how well you say we're selling t-shirts we're accepting orders for t-shirts i've got no idea if people are receiving them or not although Although I have seen a lot of people. I love, I'm a big fan. And as you know, Tom, I don't often, I very rarely share if somebody says they enjoy something that you and I do or whatever. I'm very loathe to do that. Yeah, it's very hard.

But I do love resharing a picture of somebody wearing our merch. It's just like, and not even an advert thing. It's just like a buzz. Yeah. I think there was like a picture of somebody wearing our merch. It's just like... And not even an advert thing. It's just like a buzz. Yeah. I think there was like a photo of somebody on holiday. There was a guy with his kid at the beach. I love it. The one with the guy longingly looking out into the sea.

I found that one great. Looking for an arse pebble or what? Yeah. Let me just shout, actually, quite a few people turned up at Lost Village Festival this week with pebbles for me at a sign, which is quite a fucking surreal thing for anyone who didn't

know the Arse Pebbles story no quite crazy I would say knowing the Arse Pebbles story only makes it weirder actually

do you know the most ironic thing man is I could have done with an Arse having an Arse Pebble with me I was shitting like

nobody's business before that gig I had serious ring sting yeah pre-gig shit. I've managed to get past it now, but I used to have a big problem of like,

before a gig, my arse would bring the thunder. It was like a nerve thing, but I don't have it anymore. How long did it take you to get it? Really? Yeah, I haven't had it for, I'm talking about it like it's a serious condition,

but I haven't had it for like, last tour I had it, this tour I haven't had it at all. Oh, man like it's a serious condition but I haven't had it for like last tour I had it this tour I haven't had it at all oh man don't know why couldn't tell you why maybe I don't care as much maybe I know I'm on the way out

I don't know I don't know what it is but it's oh fucking hell are you sure you're not on cocaine it's an actual rollercoaster of emotions here do you know I've basically bitten off a new reality show you've bitten off a new reality show what does that mean yeah so i started delving into a new show right it's actually

uh from our mutual friend katherine ryan was about on her podcast. It's called 90 day fiance. Go on, explain it to me. It is never, I think I find it the most anxious ridden show I've ever watched in my life. So it's basically a group of single people who all have basically got internet and internet love, but they go and meet. And within the 90 days that they meet them, they're trying to basically for them to propose and it's people for I mean there's a good so is

it like Love Island no no these are people who have met someone online already they know they've met the person already okay and so they said the producers have found people that have already been chatting yeah yeah yeah so so it's people that could like there's a guy on there called sean who's been like seeing he's met this woman out in the philippines or something before and they have a son together so that he's trying to get her over to live with him but he's got serious money debts he's got like serious money like he's run up all his credit cards she doesn't know any of this stuff she thinks she's quite well off yeah um and he's been lying to debts. He's got like serious money. Like he's run up all his credit cards. She doesn't know any of this stuff. She thinks she's quite well off.

Yeah. And he's been lying to her about his financial situation. So he admits this to camera, does he? Oh yeah. But Rob, I find that one so, I find,

I find myself getting really anxious. When I get anxious, watching TV shows, because I find it really horrible to, like him, I find it really sad watching him. He's clearly quite a sweet soul. And there's some really nice people in there but there's also I'd say the most vile human being I've maybe seen on British telly for a long long time really this guy called

Richard from man he's from uh somewhere near Manchester he's's literally like when I say this right he goes to see his uh this girl that he this woman he's met and the way he speaks to her family and the way he speaks to her genuinely made me absolutely disgusted to be from the same country as him he's vile he's I'd say yeah I think he like genuinely I watch it and I'm like, oh, my God, you're absolutely, just physically, just makes me feel sick. You've done a couple of these now. So this is, you're saying that this guy, what's his name, Richard? I shouldn't have clarified his name.

He's one of the most vile human beings you've ever seen. And then not that long ago, you fucking went in two footed on somebody from Love Island you've got very you've got very judgmental haven't you recently

like I think you described I can't remember what the geezer's name was but you described him as one of the vilest human beings you've ever seen

I don't know this guy this guy this is not the empathetic wolf you know the wolf that sees from both sides that I've gotten accustomed to. This wolf is very judgmental and harsh.

I need you to watch this guy. All right. I will send you the episode in question. Okay. I guarantee you will feel like I feel. Like I'll hate it. I'll hate him. You will loathe him.

Oh, he's going for the second beer. Oh, my God. How many have you got there? This is it I'll hate it. I'll hate him. You'll loathe him. Oh, he's going for the second beer. Oh, my God. How many have you got there? This is it. This is it. Another four or five of these, little Sagresh minis, I'll be up to...

And you've had a whole big beer. Exactly. That's the joke I was doing, you fucking rat. You fucking trampled all over it like a c*** on a panel show. Mate, that's why I'm drinking water because I can fly in

and I'm quick on those panels. You didn't fly in. You interrupted, you fucking prick has that happened does that happen to your panel shows yeah you start off a joke somebody goes so yeah you'd have yourself a full beer there wouldn't you and you go yeah everyone laughs get a round of applause you just sit there like yeah but pats on the back enjoy that enjoy you at this night you don't feel and say i'd say you need to watch i just i just don't know if I'm in the market for waste of time TV, man. The other thing I watched, Woodstock 99.

You seen that? No, what's that? Oh, is that the... Hold on, is that the Netflix show about the new Woodstock? Not the new Woodstock, 99. Come on, rubbish, it's 20 years ago. But the later Woodstock. Man, it's insane, bruv.

Really? It's insane.uv really it's insane it's crazy i mean to be fair we'd have been of that age when that was happening it's just an amazing mental thing and like quite savage horrible thing too and by all accounts i've done quite a lot of reading about it since subsequently right and uh apparently that is not it's darker what went on than they even allowed on that hold on

without sort of spoiling that what's the problem is it like fire festival worse than fire festival worse than fire festival yeah yeah yeah

it happened this festival happened and there was no security basically turned into Lord of the Flights it was like insane the stuff

disgusting and horrible yeah but that happened at fire festival yeah flight it was like insane the stuff that disgusting and horrible yeah but that happened at fire fest no yeah but this was like yeah this is also do you know that the original woodstock was a bit like that yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean it's just yeah yeah just people running right right yeah yeah i think it was a bit i think all of those like you know those legendary stories there is some shit it's a lot of shit that went down they sort of don't talk about or they look back on it with rose tinted glasses but I've watched

that Fyre Festival documentary I reckon five times have you? yeah I watched it once I just did you watch both? or just the one?

no I've only watched the one but I think the other one is meant to be the better one I don't know why I keep watching the inferior one over and over again the Hulu one is meant to be the best one

yeah that's what I heard but I'll it's i'll tell you what i find addictive is um do you know like do you know like how it's a human nature to to leave a problem like say if you've got like i don't know you're supposed to get in touch with your accountant or yeah you've got a like you've got a conversation that you don't want to have right you keep leaving it keep leaving it keep leaving it gets worse worse worse and worse right that is that fire festival is that to the nth degree where like they know it's going to be a complete and utter fuck up unless they like they sort it out and it's like the bit where like they know they can't accommodate everyone they haven't even got fucking apps booked right they don't they haven't got everyone they haven't even got fucking apps booked right

they don't they haven't got enough food for like even 10 of the people and they just it's too late to do it if they just see what happens it's so like yeah i don't know man it's so addictive that watching that fall that fall out from that that's insane but when you watch this one it's like they cut corners but they but the acts are there. I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's fucking insane. That, so I've basically, so you just go for a weekend. We've had a bit of a chill time this weekend, me and Catherine. So we watched that, and then we watched the Manti Teo story.

Manti Teo? What's that? Yeah, so this guy, I'm pretty sure I've pronounced his, I'm a bit hungover today, but he was like an American football, like hot shot kid who got catfished. And again, I don't want to ruin the story,

but it's fucking insane. Really? What he had to go through. Mate, it's an amazing Netflix documentary. I'll check it out. Called Untold. Mate, get one of that,

get a couple of those on for the flight back. Yeah, we'll do. Theo's just watched out. Called Untold. Get a couple of those for the flight back. Theo's just watched all of the Kanye documentary which I watched a while ago. I haven't even finished that yet. Kanye, man. Do you think you've got an air of Kanye about you when you're like this? Do you reckon I've got what, sorry?

An air of Kanye about you when you're like this. Do you know what I genuinely think? People like Kanye West and people like David Bowie and Richard Pryor and people like that it makes me want to stop doing what I do. Do you know what I mean? You know when you

see people that are really creating fucking art? Yeah. You look at what you're doing. You mean two idiots who fucking have both, like, looked onto a fucking zoo? Yeah, two twats that have lucked their way into a career. You know, like, you know, I went to watch the Lego movie, right?

Yeah. And I don't know if... But the Lego movie was so funny and it had so many amazing ideas. I just sat there and watched it and I don't know but the Lego movie was so funny and it had so many amazing ideas I just sat there and watched it and I went this has got more jokes and great ideas in it

than my fucking career right like I actually like I actually I came out of the cinema I genuinely

I'm not I'm not exaggerating I thought about giving up comedy you're joking off the Lego movie. Mate, just because I was like... It is brilliant.

It is a brilliant bit of work. But the same thing happens with somebody like Kanye. This isn't a hip-hop podcast, so I don't want to go too deep with it. No, no, no. But he kept breaking the mould, right? And the example that I'll give is Kanye West when he was absolutely

at the top of his game like popularity wise and everybody was like Kanye Kanye Kanye he released an R&B album essentially 808s and Heartbreak right where he just had it was him auto tuned and like whatever you think of the album he just went I don't give a fuck what you think I'm gonna

do I'm gonna make this thing because i want to make it right it's you know the insane thing right is that if any sort of mortal normal person tried that right like if we tried to do something completely different from like if me and you now got together and when we're making like a serious drama that is set in 1842 all about i I don't know, fucking runaway brides or some shit, people would be like, that's insane and it won't work.

And it wouldn't work. Yeah, but Tom, that is true. It would be dreadful. It would be absolutely dreadful. The only thing I would say in your case, I'm not just saying this to... God, I really am talking like I've done half a grammar. But what I would...

What I would say to you is, I do think you did sort of do that with Merging Successful, if I'm being honest with you. Because it was different to anything that's come out before. But we've had examples of things happening where you did Action Team, and even with me doing Avoidance or whatever, because it's slightly different to what

people are expecting you to make it's horrible isn't it it's horrible it's so fucking you go into it you go into it

going do you know what I'm going to do something a bit different and I think people are going to be pleasantly surprised and then it comes out

and it's like this is not what I wanted from Romesh Ranganathia oh god by the way we got loads of positive I'm not on a neg about that It's like, this is not what I wanted from Romesh Ranganathri. Oh, God. By the way, we got loads of positive. I'm not on a neg about that. But I'm just saying, you know, some of the responses you get are funny.

You ever try that? Do you ever think that a little bit of a stand up? Oh, mate, 100%. I had it, mate. I had it where, like, when I started writing Cynic's Mixtape, the tour I've just finished, I was doing previews at the Horth where you were kind enough to come and support me.

But this is, like, even before that. This is, like, when I was first writing the show. And I did an hour of new material in the small room. And I died. Like, proper stank out the room. Like, nothing worked. Flop, flop worked flop flop flop flop

all of it right I mean you know couple of laughs here and there maybe and me referencing how shit it was going but apart from that just death right

and my mum was there with a mate of hers right and they came over to me afterwards and my mum obviously thinks that everything I do stand up wise

is incredible she goes oh my god it's all good I love the new stuff and I'm like okay I'm trying to I fucking absolutely died and then her mate goes her mate weirdly my mom's mate is about our age but she goes um why don't you do the stuff that you used to do like have you thought about doing that doing more of that and it really just made me like think fucking hell that is what

people do people just want you to keep doing the same or they think they want you to keep the same to keep doing the same shit right yeah but then they just say didn't i i like you know when you watch certain people and like stand up and some people you like you know there's people that you watch and you're like fuck wow and like you're one of those people i watch you like nurture an idea or something on stage and make it grow and then like the stuff that from the cynics mistake like i was lucky enough to see really early on to then see now as stuff and a fully formed idea and there's stuff that when we were doing the work in progress stuff i'm like oh man i can't wait to see where ron goes with this to there but the other day i was watching someone you know

it sounds really harsh i don't mean to be a bit like and you're in some stance that's flat and you just feel like there's no energy in it at all and you're like oh my god am i like that you know when you're like it's sort of sometimes you are yeah yeah i asked for that sorry then i start looking at and thinking how do i rev this up a little bit how do i make it it's really difficult man it's like you know we sort of it's a difficult conversation to have and it's probably like we won't we won't get to the bottom of it in in this podcast but like that whole thing about creativity i just find it like um it's like kevin bridges gave me some amazing bit of an amazing bit of advice right he said he

just said to me like when you're doing your new material gigs he goes you've got to die you've got to eat shit like he goes you've got to like that's going to the gym he goes those people those people that come to those work in progress gigs they're coming to watch you take risks and like fuck about and blah blah and the more you do that the better and he goes because then if you don't do your temptation is to not take risks and not die. And, you know, we can all I don't mean this in an arrogant way, but we can all all competent stand ups can write a load of stand up comedy that would just make people that will work on a surface level. You know, set up, punch, set up, punch, set up, punch. Most comedians worth their salt can do it. Yeah. The true challenge is, can you do something that's interesting? Can you do true challenge is can you do something that's interesting can you do something that's

can you do something that's funnier than that can you do something that's more interesting that can you do something that like just makes people feel knackered or

like just from just fucking wrung out from laughing and blah blah blah and so in order to do that you have to take risks you have to do something you wouldn't

normally do you might have to I don't know I'm oversimplifying you might have there might be a bit where you do a dance there might be a bit where you do you know i mean whatever whatever it is if you don't take those risks in the work in progress gigs and when you're putting that shit together he said to me then when you come to do your actual tour you regret not doing that back

in the thing and i think it's like that day that day i was watching this david bowie interview and it's like he said something so fucking amazing. He's going, if you feel comfortable with what you're doing, he goes, you're not pushing yourself enough. He goes, you've got to go far enough out in the water that you just feel

a little bit, slightly, almost out of your depth. You're slightly unsure. And he goes, if you start to feel like that, that's where you've got to stay and that's where you've got to work.

And that, to me, man, is like the thing. And I've, by the way, I've not got anywhere near this. And, you know, I've had half a gram now, which is why I'm sort of really getting into this. You're really getting into Bowie.

I am fascinated by that, that creating shit, man. That kind of, that action towards it. Yeah, man, that's because you were in that business, right? Yeah, but I've got nowhere near to it. You know, I'm nowhere near as good the comic as I want to be. you know that's it yeah but then without be worrying if you were right yeah it would be yeah and look this all started because tom started watching night in a day fiance so that's how this podcast goes guys you just never know i've been pushing myself with what i'm watching there's the vibes that i'm watching the things that i'm fucking into right now

yeah yeah um is the how's that second beer is it what i'm thinking about opening the second bottle of water okay i might go and get another bottle of beer you know because it's like what you've moated through two beers well they're minis like look at this it looks like look look look how look at the size of it that is small that's a small it's a minute actually we should yeah we should probably get a picture of you with that just for just for, the laughs, the shits and giggles. Let me just get it. Hold up two seconds. I'm getting out of the water.

I've been doing a weird thing where I keep waking up at 3.15 every morning. Yeah, I saw that. Is it 3.17 or something? I can't remember what you put up on it. Hold it right up. That's a nice picture, actually. Do you know what?

Send that to me. I'll stick it up on the wall for now, as soon as we're done. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt.

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Okay, should we do some emails? Let's do it, G. Oh, by the way, do you know who looks amazing right now? Who? Bobby Zamora. Yeah, I saw him the other day. I don't recall thinking he looks amazing. He's always looked in pretty good nick, hasn't he?

Mate, Bobby Zamora's body, I'd say, is up there with the top ten bodies in the world at the moment. Top ten bodies in the world? It's incredible, man. Bobby Zamora looks absolutely fire at the moment. Okay. I'm saying now, everyone go onto Bobby Zamora's page and have a moment. Okay. Like, I'm saying now, everyone go onto Bobby Zamora's page and have a look,

because that guy's stacked nice. What an incredible thing to say. Okay. Let's go let's go to emails this is from the sow fucking hell

what a sow isn't a sow that's a female pig right correct yeah of course what would you no just sign you sign over at yeah okay yeah that's right yeah okay so Isn't it South? That's a female pig, right? Correct, yeah. Of course. No, just so I knew, so no, we're out.

Yeah, okay, yeah, that's where we're at, yeah. Okay, so, hi, guys. Absolutely love the pod. It's the highlight of my week. I know you guys have had some issues with your self-esteem and your weight, etc. So I wanted to ask your opinion. My fiancé is very active. He's a climber, runner, gym-goer.

I, however, have three children between the ages of five and ten and work full-time as a nurse. I have very little time to exercise, but I suppose that's an excuse. Hmm. Last week, he told me that he wanted me to tone up and lose weight

to the weight I was when we met. Of course, I've been very upset over this and been questioning my self-worth. I mean, you refer to yourself as the sow on this email.

I've agreed to try as much as I can, but I am more than my weight. We've worked through this, but let me think how other couples navigate this do you think it's important to look good for your partner if so how important can't wait to hear your answers it'll really help me uh carry on being the sweet sweet souls that you are much love the sound tom davis i am not gonna even think about calling you to south i don't think it's helpful or a decent thing to do. Well, you asked me to clarify it so they knew exactly where we were. But that was before I heard the email.

I'm going to call you the Peacock. I genuinely thought you were going to say pig. What kind of guy do you think I am? I don't want to define you by gender so I'm just going to refer to you as a pig. No, go on. This is the Peacock. I think, number one, I don't want to define you by gender so I'm just going to refer to you as a pig no go on this is a peacock

I think number one your husband shouldn't have said what he said in the way that he phrased that, I don't think that's fair I think saying something like that is not very tactful you've had three children with him

and I think it's fair to say that, you know, if you're not feeling, I think it's got to come down to how you feel. If you're not feeling good about yourself and you want to make a change, then do that for you. But do that for the right reasons. Do that to be, like, all joking aside, and we talk a lot about here about body issues. And I think me and Romesh, I don't know why,

whether it's because of the um the podcast or what but i i've certainly lost weight and i've i feel better about myself but a lot of that's just been down to the fact having a child and taking stock of my life and trying to eat a bit healthier and just trying to be a bit more active certainly wasn't a situation of like the people who've, like said things to me, or you've got to make that change yourself. If you want to make that change, I think if he does all these,

the activities he does, I think he should be more, you know, the way of doing it would be maybe finding something that you did together. That was a bit more active. And I think that he should be a little bit more understanding. I think like, I don't know if I phrased this right, but I just think that there's a way of talking to people

and I think there's a way of having that conversation without you feeling bummed out and without you feeling low. And, you know, speaking from personal experience, I think it won't spark the reaction I think he's after in you to turn around and go, right, I'm going to do this and do that. Whereas actually I think doing it with love and compassion and putting an arm around you and saying, well, let's do this and let's do that

and making it fun would be a way of doing that. But, you know, and I've said this a million times and it's true, just be you and be happy in you. And if there's a time when doing doing that you you want to tone up or you want to lose weight as he said then do it and if you don't don't be like be the person the incredible wife and mother that he has and he's very lucky to have that um peacock peahen really is what we should refer to her as. But listen, your fiancé, obviously your fiancé is your fiancé

because he's a nice person and you're obviously in love with him, but I really think he's fucking bang out of order here, man. Like, he's so fucking out of order. It's unreal. You've had three children, yeah? You're a nurse. You're working so much.

You're bringing up three kids. This guy's taking the fucking piss. He's taking the piss. Your email says, last week he told me that you wanted me. He doesn't get an opinion in this. He doesn't get to tell you what he wants you to do with your body.

Fuck him. It's like, you can't say that. If he's got a problem with it and it's a deal breaker, then split up. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you can't deal with the fact that people's bodies change and it's up to that person how they look after their body, then fuck off.

Do you know what I mean? Look, I don't want to be horrible because he's your fiancé for a reason. I'm purely basing this on this example and he's he's so he's fucking out of order he is out of order like tom says if you want to change if you felt like you wanted to lose weight and that's the reason why tom lost weight because tom wanted to lose weight i lost weight because i wanted to lose weight right nobody told me to nobody told tom to right we wanted to do it and right? Nobody told me to. Nobody told Tom to, right? We wanted to do it. And I'm going to tell you this,

like, there's other problems with it, because, like, I've had to, you start going to the gym, going to the gym, exercising, it's a very selfish thing to do. Do you know what I mean? Because you're doing something on your own, you're not benefiting anybody else.

I've tried to, like, make it better by going with my brother, so use it as a bit of quality time with him but you're sacrificing time with your family to do that do you mean like you are taking that time away and like it's not that's the other thing about if you've got three kids it's like yeah maybe he should squirrel down on his heart i have literally like it's weird you saying that me and katherine that's one thing like with grace now it's like right i'll have an hour, then you have an hour. In the morning, you both try and do that.

But if one of you gets to do it and the other one doesn't, it does become a bone of contention because you are like, well, you're having that time of yourself. Yeah, it's been an issue. It's been an issue. Like, you know, looking at it from Tom's point of view, he's only really got time to do one or two international golf tournaments a month, do you know what I mean?

Because of all the commitments he's got. You know, so it's like like it's a tricky one i just think look i just think if you had said to your fiance i feel bad about my body i want to lose some weight and by the way i'm not saying any of those things are right i feel bad about my body i want to listen i'm not saying those things but if you did feel like that and your fiance went i I'll support you and help you do that. It doesn't even sound like he's asking to help you do that. Sounds like he's dictating to you that he wants you to do that. That's based on your email. I don't know how he's done it. You do not, do not ever question your self-worth again. All right. He needs to question his self-worth because he's fucking bang out of order. I'm telling you. All right. So what you need to

do, listen, my advice to you is, and I know it's easier said than done, is you make a decision as to whether you want to lose weight or not. Right. And whether you've got the inclination, because it's not about wanting to lose weight. It's about, do you want to take that time away from the other things that you do with your life to do that? If you don't, you need to say to him, I'm not doing that. What are you going to do about it? Do you know what I mean? Because he can to do that if you don't you need to say to him i'm not doing that what you're going to do about it do you mean because he can't do that it's just fucking out of order it's out of order so peahen you're fine as you are you're a glorious person we've got a lot of respect on this podcast for nurses you're bringing up three children your fiancee needs to accept

that your body changed when you have three kids the day that he squeezes three kids out of him and he's got exactly the same body type that he had beforehand, then he can fucking talk otherwise keep your mouth shut dickhead I'm just basing that purely on this email I'm sure he's a nice bloke, otherwise he wouldn't be his fiance

ok, good luck peahen any other day if that had been like Mello Ron but Cocaine Ron he doesn't fuck around honestly this party is live

I love the idea of you walking around Quinta del Lago after this trying to find this guy you've seen him yeah where is this guy

I've talked to his wife people have kids people have kids and their bodies change you fucking rat Romance that's a tree that's a rubber

tree Romance let me just what's wrong what are you I kind of love tough Rom well I'm not actually tough

I'm just sorry I just love the idea of by the end of this podcast you've got like a fucking goatee this is from the vaquita vaquita can you look this up i don't know what this vaquita

let me have a look vaquita vaquita oh it's like uh oh wow it's a porpoise oh yeah very cute oh god quite geez quite um what the fuck is that? Quite weird as well, because obviously what we've been talking about today. Hmm. All right. The Vaquita says, Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat.

I'm going to just start reading and hopefully Tom will stop looking at the photos. He's looking at little G, sleeping. Oh, that's... Oh, that's Grace. Look at her. Grace's reading is a are normal it says there uh what are you doing what are you what are you trying to what are you trying to do with her

grace's readings are normal stranger things shit that's something i fucking deep blue sea um wolfhouse one and cat want to start by saying love the podcast i started when i trained for the marathon last year i had to stop running a few times because just laughing so much uh your advice always seems to be on points. To that end, I'm after some now. I'm a guy in my mid-30s, married, and have three children. Recently, I've been getting a strange feeling in my chest. I wouldn't say it's painful, but it just beats fast sometimes,

and I could twitch. Something doesn't feel right, and I do have a history in my family of heart disease. My problem is that if I do something wrong that can be managed, it's a strong possibility I'll no longer be able to do my job as I'm an HGV driver. Things are the way the world is at the moment, I couldn't afford to take a pay cut or lose my job completely.

So my question is, what do you think I should do? Go to the doctors and see and risk my job or leave it and see how it plays out and have you guys ever ignored health issues in the hope it went away? I haven't told my wife as I know she would drag me down there by my ear so it's best I stay anonymous just in case. The Vaquita. Vaquita. Vaquita. Vaquita vaquita vaquita vaquita

get your fucking ass down the doctors now son um that you're a wife a lovely wife and you've got kids man and although like you're doing a commendable thing and you're trying to you know you you need to keep money coming in they need you more than anything else like that's the shit that really really counts you being around and like you know it could be nothing or it could be something um so i think you yeah get yourself down to the doctors talk to your wife as well um and get yourself down there because just don't play with that shit man not only come to the old jam tart the old heart and if there's heart disease in your family it's uh yeah it's not a game of risk you should be playing mate so get yourself down there and

like like i say in life you know hopefully you um hopefully it's nothing you know you're all fine if it is something i'll pray life has a way of sorting itself out. Yeah, it's better that than what the alternative is. Yeah. Vaquita, my dad did something very similar to you, which is that he had a heart condition and he hid it.

And it ended up becoming a massive problem. So my advice to you is get it sorted out. Like Tom says, it's better that you find out what's going on, even if there a problem and you get it sorted out as soon as possible and then you can work everything else out afterwards i just don't think anything takes precedence over your health and um you want to be around for your family so uh the reason that your wife would drag you down and by your ears because it's the best thing to do so um get yourself sorted out, man. Please.

Please. From the wolf and the owl. Love you, G. Get yourself sorted. Okay, take care. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck, Vaquita.

Is Lisa still doing emails on holiday? Have she taken a couple of weeks off? Why do you say that? I'm just asking. There's one still. Why? Do you think that email was... No, I think it was a good email

but quite heavy, quite far. It was quite far. But then I know that Lisa must be because you've not read that one before, so... What do you mean? Well, you hadn't obviously read that one because you were as surprised as I was. Yeah, I was very surprised. Okay, here we go. Next email.

What were you laughing at? Like, you're such a rollercoaster at the moment. I love... I love the idea that 11 o'clock tonight, Theo will come out to bed and he'll just be spanked or lying sleeping in his bed. Do you know what I'll do?

After we finish this, I'll just carry on recording myself on my own for another couple of hours, just because I've got things that I think I need to share. Dad, Tom's been off the Zoom for a while. Shut up! Just time for the owl to have a little bit of a chat all right just leave it just leave it okay this is from the liger well it says dear wolf alan swan first a huge fan of the podcast one of the only podcasts that regularly has me howling with laughter in public i've only been listening a few months a couple of months starting from the

beginning currently in around episode 70 i love it i'm currently on a short holiday away with my fiance and the topic of peeing in the pool came up and the fiance couldn't believe i hadn't been to the loo all day after having several beers i told her i'd said i had several times but done it whilst in the pool i think it seems silly to get out of the pool when it's all water at the end of the day and it's filled with chemicals cleaning it and I've been told that I've been told that piss is sterile so I don't get the big deal

we'd love to get your thoughts on this Tom definitely Tom definitely seems like he pisses in the pool Rom I've got a feeling you'd rather get out and go to the toilet kind regards the Liger Tom Davis yo I piss in the sea all day long I'm not a pool pisser I love a piss in the sea all day long, right? Correct. I'm not a poor pisser.

Not correct. I mean, I don't know. That's what you're just saying. I love a piss in the sea, right? But poor pisses, I'm not a big fan of. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis?

Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah. talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis.

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We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. to each other i am future i wait in the world of echo discover the extraordinary with echo the spectacular new show by cirque du soleil opens may 8th under the big top at toronto lakeshore boulevard west tickets at cirque du soleil.com the world is yours to create echo thanks it's presenting partners sun life and its official partners air canada and mastercard also i'm always worried about pissing in a public pool and the blue cloudy stuff coming out. So you have thought about it?

Yeah, but then I'm like, if that came out, I'd be mortified and you'd just never be able to go back to that swimming bath again, right? That's the deal. Is that why you wouldn't piss in a swimming pool? Yeah. That's why you wouldn't piss in a swimming pool. Do you know what? When I was reading

the email I saw your look of agreement and I thought okay Tom and I are on the same page on this and then you

came out with the reason why and the reason is you don't want to get banned from Loughborough Lido or whatever

no no but I think if that would be mortifying right yes it would be mortifying I have been in a pool as well

when I swam behind someone i'm pretty sure he's pissed it's been quite warm okay no cloudy stuff came out but i was still worried about taking a risk what do you mean taking a risk what's the risk or pissing and then like if oh so what so sorry you you you swam in the slipstream of somebody pissing it pissing but no cloudy stuff came out yeah but it was warm maybe and then you thought okay it's okay to piss yeah but you still didn't risk it i still didn't risk it just in case i worry like now i want to do it i mean jesus man like the other week oh actually fucking hell like the other week i

know grace did about three pisses and a poo in the pool obviously she's a baby sure actually she did the worst poo ever on uh uh we were up for sunday sunday lunch this week and she did a massive poo we actually were sitting on the sofa and she just looked at me smart and just like it was i had to wait me and kathleen to walk her out of the pub like carrying her into the changing area it was every i literally had to do a salvage job of cleaning off a sofa like with people watching just with the spray it was awful but yeah look but she doesn't know any better bless her when it comes to the pool stuff i i don't kind of fundamentally agree with it but the reason i don't piss the big big reason is yeah i wouldn't i literally would never want

to be caught i feel like i've got an installed dimension here pissing in a swimming pool is fucking disgusting it is is disgusting. What? What? Like, Liger and you, what are you talking about? Pissing into a swimming pool? No,

you don't stand in pissing. You piss it when you're swimming and stuff. You're pissing in a swimming pool where other people are going to swim and where you're going to swim. It's fucking disgusting.

Have you not pissed in the one that you've got in Portugal? No, never, and nor would I ever. In fact, I'll go as far as to say, I once pissed in a swimming pool when I was a kid and that was an accident. I just don't...

Sorry, why is it okay to piss in a swimming pool? It's piss. It's piss. Here's one for you right here's one for you it's piss ok here's one for you just hear me out

ok right what's your all time lap record for doing lengths how many lengths is your all time length sorry mate

I think you've made the mistake of thinking you're talking to somebody that doesn't have a life what the fuck are you talking about what is my what what is the most amount

of links you've done I've got no idea I've got no right so right let's just say now right you're you're nearly getting to fucking I don't know

for you like 25 30 links right such a dickhead yeah go on right you're like you get to 25 30 links yeah and you, like 25, 30 lengths, right? Such a dickhead. Yeah, go on. You get to 25, 30 lengths, and you're like, oh, fucking hell. You're on 27 lengths, right? This is your all-time score.

Lisa and the boys are... By the way, I now know where this is going. Go on. They're all cheering you on, right? And then you're like, fucking i need a piss real real bad right are you gonna tell me now you wouldn't fucking go i need to get to the end i need to do 30 lengths like for my family cheering so i will just take that fucking piss and just fucking finish it tom i i wouldn't take a piss in the pool if i was in the fucking olympics let alone in front of the rest of the olympians piss in the pool if I was in the fucking Olympics, let alone in front of the rest of the race.

Wait, all the Olympians piss in the pool. I'll tell you, I'll bet on the bottom dime. Fine, fine, fine. And the PT people all piss in the pool. They don't piss in the pool. Of course they do. Like the adrenaline. You don't know what it's like.

So, Tom, what... I do know what it's like to have adrenaline, and it doesn't make you piss. In fact, quite the opposite. I wish I hadn't said quite the opposite. But what I mean is... Look what I'm telling you right now, right? It doesn't make you piss.

Are you telling me now, if we got Adam Peaty on this podcast, and he said, like, have you ever pissed in a pool? Message him now. I'm going to message him now. I guarantee he won't reply by the time we finish, but let me just... Well, yeah, but it'll be a nice little

sort of feeder and we'll forget all about it for the next podcast. Yeah, I'll never mention it again. I mean, it'll be another one of those runners alongside the

shouting out small businesses that we're doing so well on. So the point is... Jesus Christ! The point is, I think it's disgusting to pee in a swimming pool. People, could you get in touch and let us know what you think?

Wolfoutpod.gmail.com. Is it okay to piss in a swimming pool? I think it's rank. And Tom thinks it's fine. You know, if there's any one night that you should watch Wolf of Wall Street, it's tonight. Why? We just, like, you're in a very Wolf of Wall Street.

I'm not happy with how... I'm now three for three not being happy with how I've been on this podcast. You know what I love, right? You've been essentially three different fucking people in the last three weeks. I feel like at the moment I'm in a situation

where I fucking turn up to this podcast and I don't know who I'm going to be fucking performing with Jesus um okay oh um oh god

um right it's about that time. You are, but you're essentially becoming Kanye West at the moment. Yeah, I don't know. You've changed that the whole way of doing the podcast over the last three weeks. Shout out, Rob. Shout out, my guy, Kanye.

Yo. All right, Tom, take us out. Well, how's our house? And how's the bill? It's easy to walk into someone's house and look at the pretty paintings that sit upon the wall or study the TV that they spend thousands of pounds on that just fills a really, really nice wall.

It's easy to walk around the kitchen and look at their island that sits in the middle of their kitchen or the tiles that languish on the floor. It's easy to judge them by the pots and pans or the sweet, sweet French window type things, sliding doors. What are they called? I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, you know the really expensive sliding doors at Walmart.

Sash windows, is it? No. Yeah, it's easy just to walk around their bedrooms, check out their silk sheets, or their en suite bathroom with an incredible bath or a shower but you know what it's really tough to do it's really tough to really look deep look in the fit look at the footings on which the house sits the bricks on which holds its stir and holds it sturdy in the wind and in the storms that come. That's a little bit like society in a way.

It's easy to judge society by the pretty things, by the tokens of glamour that sit higher up the chain than most. But actually, the truth of the matter is, the things that hold society up are the bricks and foundations. Look for the bricks and foundations in your life, the people who make the storms feel a little further away, and do yourself the justice of being a brick or some decent fittings for a friend. I thank you.

That was really all over the place wasn't it but I really liked it really good yeah it's kind of like sort of yeah like I say

it's I'm kind of buzzed out a little bit yeah so what what's going on I've had a few beers so yeah

you've had a few beers today yeah yeah so I feel kind of I'm very chill yeah it's funny you say that because we've got an email going we didn't get to this email you've had a few bits today yeah yeah so I feel kind of I'm very chill right now yeah it's funny you say that because we've got an email

going we didn't get to this email we often don't get to the emails said I don't know why this is about the part of the episode where I stood up

I don't know why but today's episode was fantastic maybe it was wrong standing up maybe the pressure was off because Tom Tom because he found

an extra day there was something there and the chaotic energy was brilliant I do think we've, and it's been quite chaotic today, I think it's going to need a heavy edit from JT. Something Tom...

Something Tom said got me thinking. At one point he said it felt like you were both drunk, so my question to you is, do you have any plans to do a pod where we're slightly pissed? It would be amazing. Well, we kind of have done that, I guess. Yeah, but I think we should probably do a real proper one. We do a drunk one. We do a couple while slightly pissed, it would be amazing. Well, we kind of have done that, I guess. Yeah,

but I think we should probably do a real proper one. We do a drunk one? We do a couple of beers and so on and then go to the studio and really enjoy it. Fine, we'll do that.

Okay, guys, thank you so much for listening. JT, I apologise. I don't do drugs, so that could be your party. Fuck off.

Can I, for our song, this isn't like a feel good song but it's a song that I've been listening to it's Loyal Kana it's got a new album

coming out very soon and the song I'd like to play is Hate it's just really really good nice JT could you play us out with that

guys thank you so much for listening I apologise once again I'm three for three shit performances on the podcast take care of yourselves see you soon

bye bye love it Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.