Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 12: After Parties & Airport Scares
Episode Date: September 8, 2022We’re talking… a Dave Chappelle party, dodgy bar tactics, embellishing stories, action heroes and Mr Maths, airport scares, Fantasy Football woes, big-beer Tom and anxious toilet trips. Plus, emai...l questions on banter with new mates, wearing dirty clothes at home, gaming all-inclusive holidays and some feedback on cooking risotto and pissing in pools. For questions or comments please email us at wolfowlpod@gmail.com - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript
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Have the crowd witnessing a murder
Like they rolled in with a gang of crows
Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing
They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing
Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon
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Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping
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Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men
Dressed up as a bird and a dog
Welcome once again to this little podcast that we call The Wolf and Al
Yo, yo boy
Yo
Oh man, you are back in your studio and looking fit, boy
Yeah, thanks mate I just got back from Vietnam actually Oh wow Oh, boy. Oh, man, you are back in your studio and looking fit, boy.
Yeah, thanks, mate.
I just got back from Vietnam, actually.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Doing League.
League of the Round, baby.
A little travel up.
A little bit of acting.
And then I, mate, Party Rob came back the other night.
What, in Vietnam?
No, after I came back from Vietnam.
So I landed from Vietnam the day before yesterday. Yeah. And then I came off of Vietnam. So I landed from Vietnam day before yesterday.
Yeah.
And then I get a phone call.
No, I get a text message, voice note, whatever.
He communicated with me.
Martin Too Smooth.
Shout out to Martin Too Smooth, my tour danger. Boom, boom, boom, boom.
He got us guest list, basically.
I don't know how he did it.
But he got us guest list to the Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock after party.
Oh, my God.
You know they've done something like London nights
so they've thrown this party
at some club
so I had this thing
the reason I'm mentioning it
is not because
I just want to talk about
what a great social life I have
but it's because
it's one of these things
where
you make a decision
that you're glad you made
right so
I was like
so I'd come back from Vietnam
I was knackered
it's a bit of a
it's 11 or 12 hour flight
and it's like
a six hour time difference it's like a perfect storm for you feeling like battered like done yeah so Martin
messaged me and I thought if this was any other night I'd 100% be up for this right but I just
thought I just don't know if I can face this I just don't know if I can do I'm sounding like I'm
going to war or something but I just didn't know if I could face it so I had a nap and then I messaged him and I thought this is what one of those things where if I don't like I'm going to war or something, but I just didn't know if I could face it. So I had a nap and then I messaged him and I thought,
this is one of those things where if I don't go,
I might regret it.
So I just messaged him saying, I'll come,
despite being knackered.
Mate, it was unbelievable, man.
In what sense unbelievable?
Like just the party itself or the person you hung with?
Well, I was with Martin and his mate Sav.
They were both like top-notch quality.
Went into the club. Dave Chappelle andris rockers obviously got money to burn right so all the drinks are laid on or whatever they've got these buckets free bar champagne vodka like
in in like these ice buckets and then whenever you finish a bottle somebody comes over and
like it was mad how many uh how many people there i reckon 500 something like that
so we're in there and i'm just getting really hammered right because it's like free drink and
i'm a fucking ponce and so we're getting really hammered dave chappelle chris rock come out they
introduced the party like can't believe i'm in the room with chris rock and dave chappelle two
of the greatest to ever do it oh yeah and then i get like a little like arm to just sort of go do you mind
moving out the way sort of like friendly thing i turn around it's fucking buster rhymes what's
right yeah but the buster rhymes go excuse me just gives me a fist bump gets on stage
impromptu set from buster rhymes wow impromptu set from gigs impromptu set from Busta Rhymes. Wow. Impromptu set from gigs. Impromptu set from
Mos Def and Talib Kweli.
And then Dave Chappelle
comes on to close the thing.
Wow.
Do you know one of those
things where you go,
I don't know, man.
It was just like one of
those things where I'll go,
I'm so glad I rolled the
dice and come out.
You know what you've had?
It's wicked.
You know what you've had?
You've had a Cinderella night.
I think I did, mate.
I think I did have a
Cinderella night.
You basically,
Martin Toose movies,
like your Fairy Godmother.
Yeah. Like you basically had that like the pumpkin vibe. night. You basically, Martin Tooth's movie is like your fairy godmother. Yeah.
Like you basically had that,
like the pumpkin vibe.
Yeah.
You're out there.
It's like Cinderella.
Like one of your Jordans was just left on the floor.
Yeah.
What I will tell you though,
is this Cinderella did not leave at midnight.
Let's just say,
let's just say.
What time did the party rumble to?
Cinderella on that night left.
I don't,
I don't know.
I left about
three.
3am.
3am.
Was it still
pumping?
No,
people had
started to
leave by then.
But came out
at 3am and
just thought,
I am
cray cray.
I love the
thought of,
I am such a
party.
Where was the
gap?
Where did they
have it?
The box in
Soho.
Oh my god,
yeah I know.
What were you ready to love that for? This sounds like a good night Where was the gap? Where did they have it? The box in Soho. Oh my God, yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What were you ready to lie down for?
This sounds like a good night, right?
I went in that place once.
They got every fucking tosser, middle-class prick from London and put them in one place.
Like, don't get me wrong.
I guess that's how I got guest list.
No, but not what you're talking about
when it's like incredible people
it's amazing people
and they've taken
over the club
that's different
yeah
but on a
on a week to week
yeah I was like
this is not my vibe
this is not
do you know what
they had that
I wasn't
I didn't really know
like this is a box thing
I don't think this is
a chapelle and rock thing
no no I know exactly
what you're gonna say
I know
they had these burlesque
dancers like
bopping around and
then they put on a couple of like there was like a butt naked woman doing a flame throwing act and
then there was this guy dressed as a pig and these two naked women like put him onto like a fake spit
and put an apple in his mouth and i was sort of sat there going i don't i i don't know how to react
to this like i like if they had women walking up down, like they had like a catwalk of sorts.
Like the stage just goes right the way
through the middle of the room, right?
So they had these women like wearing virtually,
they were just women in their underwear, basically.
Like very attractive women in their underwear,
sort of dancing very close to you.
Do you know what I mean?
They weren't dancing with you,
but like, I would say you have an ass like eight inches away from you. Well, if you're standing as close to you do you know what I mean they weren't dancing with you but like I would say you have an ass like yeah yeah
eight inches away
well if you're
standing next as
close to the stage as
you seem to have
been yeah I was
like I mean it
sounds very much
like Martin when
there's naked ladies
on stage Romesh and
you're like already at
the front of the
fucking stage it's
weird because everybody
else has sat round
around the edge but
I just stood up on
my own right by the
stage sort of clapping
like a fucking thirsty sin. You were at the stage
like a panting dog at a door waiting for his
owners to get in. But I
found, at one point, one of the
dancers said to me, have I scared you?
Because of the way that I was reacting to like...
Really?
I just don't know.
You know, like, Sav,
and we're not so much Martin, but Sav was
like, he knows how to like be in those rooms, do you know what I but Sav was like, he knows how to be in those rooms.
Do you know what I mean?
I just don't know how to be in those rooms, man.
I like it.
So the box, right?
Yeah.
Me and Martin Compton got invited.
That's when the night we went, me and Compton went together.
Yeah.
But we had no money.
And drinks, like you were there at Free Bar, right?
Yeah.
The drinks in there are fucking scandalous.
So me andin just basically stood
next to a table of load of quite wealthy people uh who had champagne and we just basically started
like filling our glasses uh with champagne from someone else's table were you like were you like
laughing as you did it let's say oh my god martin this is how we roll now. No, it was more sneaky, just really down in the champagne,
just getting as much in us as we could.
And then someone caught us
and we were thrown out
down the back stairs.
Oh my God.
Yeah, for stealing.
Have you ever been,
I mean, you were just talking about
being a perpetrator,
but like, have you ever had,
I used to go to clubs.
This used to happen a lot in Crawley.
Bar Med in Crawley, right?
I caught people doing this a couple of times.
What they would do is they'd wait near where people were ordering drinks.
I mean, when somebody turned around to hand some of their drinks to mates,
they would just fucking nick the rest of the drinks that were waiting on the bar.
Yeah, I've seen that happen.
Is that like a known thing?
You know...
Because it used to happen so much.
You know the one
that I used to do
at West Ham at football?
I see, you used to do it.
I'm talking about being a victim,
but go on.
No, at West Ham at football,
no, you used to get
to the front of the queue
and you'd be passing
all the pints to your mates
and then you'd just basically
twist and double back
so you'd walk off
into the crowd.
Wow.
Like, without paying for them.
Wow.
And that's your own club that you love? That's a'm partial to that i don't know about life i love my
daughter and my wife was that was that was more like a an aging relative that i have to keep going
to see but i'm not sure how much i actually care about them anymore i am i caught i caught a geezer
doing that what to you and i went like I went... Like, I was at...
Yeah, I was at...
It was at Bar Med.
And I turned around to get some drinks.
No, my mate was doing it.
And I sort of stood back a bit.
So it didn't look like I was with the group.
Yeah, yeah.
You know how I am.
It's like a lone wolf.
Do you know what I mean?
Just distance myself a little bit.
Just like people just looking like...
Try to inch into a conversation.
Sorry, did someone say something about Arsenal?
No, no, no.
You're just trying to join other groups.
I think I've made a couple of friends over here.
I think maybe we can merge the two parties
and make this a real night.
Fucking just glass with an old fucking paper fibre in your hand
is so sweaty.
Do you remember when you'd go in and pay like 30 quid
and you'd get all your drinks?
But you have to...
You get all your drinks for the night,
but you had to keep the glass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're sort of walking around with this glass in your sweaty mitt,
just, this is my ticket to a good time.
So tragic.
There was a gaff in Croydon.
Oh, was it called St. Archer's?
There was Caesars, I think.
St. Archer's.
Oh, Caesars, Caesars.
Was it Caesars?
Caesars in Croydon and I think St. Archer's was in Streatham.
I always get those two mixed up.
And that was free food and drink.
And I was about the only person that I ever saw at the buffet.
Like, if you want a real, like, palm in the face, it's like,
hi, how you doing?
You all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you the guy who was at the buffet?
The one person with a fucking big salmon with a big fish
just literally taking
they're like
walking around
with your glass
in one hand
and your plate
in the other
just there's no plates
you've just fashioned
one out of napkins
they've left around
my big sweaty palm
he just skinned up
a massive fucking
napkin
so eating off it
like a banana leaf
I confronted the geezer at bar med and he just
went um i was really proud of myself because i'm not as you know i'm not one to confront no no no
i just went that's not your drink mate and he just went i just went the way i've just said that
was more sort of force and venom than i actually said it on the night and they just went oh i'm so
sorry i thought i was bought i thought they were my drinks and then i went how could they be your drinks you're not ordering around at the bar all right so how can
they possibly be your drinks and that's that's how it sounded in my head but actually how it was was
like so how can there's no there's no i don't understand how you think they could be your drink
you know how you buy drinks you go to the bar you ask for drinks so they and you they give you
drinks so you you hadn't done that part of the transaction so awful i would love to see right because this is right the thing about
um yeah when you watch movies and stuff yeah and you'll have like a moment where someone just
confronts someone it'll be all so fucking well like played out and all sort of like um they're
not your drinks they're someone else's drinks. Right? Any confrontation I've ever seen
is all just a garbled fucking,
even like me and you,
and it's our job to talk for a living.
It just,
you think it's going to come out
something like something,
and when you sort of give someone
a bit of a set two,
and it's like,
no,
yeah,
look,
basically,
you're right.
Like,
they are,
they're not,
you're not even at the front of the,
you've not,
you've not even ordered drinks,
so how could they be your drink?
I'd love to see that in a film. I'd love and also what i'd love to examine particularly in blokes is the
disparity between the story they tell to their friends and what actually happened like see what
that just to really get a deep dive into what they've done in the edit on that story do you
like the way that the way that blokes tell the stories of what they've done is hilarious
we used to have like there was a guy like when i worked on building sites there's a guy and i used to relish a monday morning going in and him being
there because he or something had always happened to him and it was always like literally he'd always
he'd always like it was either like sex in a sort of like gangbang when he was sort of like the
principal part of it and it was like sort of like four women that he'd taken back and or it was like
a massive fight or or somehow it was both of them like you know it was sort of like four women that he'd taken back and or it was like a massive fight
or or somehow it was both of them like you know it was sort of like in essence yeah mate oh yeah
just basically ended up getting back to this bird's ass right and then i'm lumping her and
then like a twin sister comes in and end up with both of them but what i don't know is they've both
got boyfriends and the boyfriends are in the front room right they they basically both come in and
they've got baseball bats and i'm out of the bed line i'm like listen what's going on would you want some of this i've
pulled my arm back about half a mile i've knocked one out the other one i don't want none of it i
said you're involved hanged him out i've just shat back and eaten their fucking chinese takeaway
that they've got you know and they were still unconscious said to the girls we might as well
finish off what we started so shagged them in front of their boyfriends
unconscious on the floor
but genuinely
not that far right
and then
I always
I always just had this
little feeling that
this was the night
that in his head
that you'd see
but actually
if you rewinded his life
he'd be just sitting
in a pub on his own
just like
in a really sad
fucking old man's booth
sitting in a pub on his own
eating chips
he looks at those two girls
and that scene
plays out in his head
and then
and then it cuts back
and it's just him
still in the pub
on his own
he looks at one of the girls
and they go
what the fuck are you staring at
sorry ladies
sorry
no no no
I was just thinking
you look like someone
what I know
oh fuck off mate
fucking loser
you Kelly's cousin
yeah
yeah
mate
I had
a terrifying thing
happen to me
on the way back
from Vietnam
turbulence
not turbulence
pre-turbulence
this was right
so it's a 12 hour flight
from Hanoi airport
to Heathrow
just saying
because I'm
but you know
spoiler ahead I'm not doing Legally Iron just saying, because I'm, you know,
spoiler ahead,
I'm not doing Legally Iron Road,
I'm devastated
I'm not doing
Legally Iron Road
trip this season.
My favourite show to do,
not doing it in this series.
Absolutely go.
What were the flights like?
How do you mean,
what were they like?
Well,
we upgraded,
nice fucking seats.
It was business.
Oh,
I'll never fly business class
for 12 hours of my life.
That was my one opportunity.
Well, it's funny, actually, you mentioned,
you're talking about what we're talking about,
because I watched Hobson Shore on the plane.
Right.
And that is perfect.
You know, like, Jason Statham and The Rock
turning up to a fight situation,
and, like, the guy says to them,
who are you?
And The Rock just goes,
I'm what you call an ice cold can of whoop-ass.
And then Jason Statham walks.
They do this thing where, like,
at the beginning of the film, they're trying to show their different approaches so the rock is like some big
meathead and jason statham's like this cool like precise geezer so it like goes between the rock
going i'm what you call an ice cold can of whoop-ass then it cuts to jason statham he goes
i'm what you might call a champagne problem and then he smacks somebody over the head with a
bottle of champagne.
That is like how all blokes think they talk in those sort of situations.
That's one of my favourite movies, by the way.
Mate, I did not realise, Idris Elba,
how fucking cool is Idris Elba in that film?
Yeah, we've talked about it, Steve.
Idris Elba is just so funny.
I'm believing that film. What I would say is, his
storyline is absolutely fucking
insane. I mean, it's so so insane the whole film is bananas i'm gonna say something about how cool it is right
you could put edgers elba in any movie right any movie and he could be doing anything in that film
and he'd still make the film cooler if it just was in any movie and his character was just working
out what to have on his toast in the morning, it would still be a fucking cooler film
just for having him in it.
There's a counterpoint to that.
I am so not cool
that you could pick me in any situation in any film
and I'd be with a group of guys
that are meant to be really cool,
like fucking Reservoir Dogs or something like that.
And people watching it go,
I don't buy him.
Do you know what I mean, Loz?
I'd love to see you as a new nerdy
character in Fast and Furious
in Fast and Furious there's all these guys with
cool names and we call this guy
Mr Math
he's just really good with numbers and stuff
and if you're trying to work out how much it's going to cost to buy
all that nitro you can figure it out instantly
how much is it going to cost us to break
into that building Mr Math
I'll just put it through my calculator How much is it going to cost us to break into that building, Mr. Math?
Well, I'll just put it through my calculator.
And I reckon it's probably about, I don't know, about a million quid.
Good, because we're family.
Vin Diesel, right?
Vin Diesel, right.
So for me, you've got Statham, Elba, The Rock.
They all sit around here.
Then you've got, I look at Vin Diesel and I think, fair credit,
Vin Diesel is like the geezer I'm talking about,
I used to work on a business, building sites with.
Vin Diesel, right, I just look at him and go,
you kind of just nicked it.
I quite respect him, in a sense,
because he isn't anywhere near as cool or as fucking rock hard,
sort of like hot as the other three.
But he's still like like the biggest franchise ever.
Yeah.
Yeah, well done.
That would be,
that was what,
that's my aspiration of the title because I know I'm not good enough
or can't sell it like that,
but just to blag my way in
and be at the fringes of it.
Yes, please.
Mate, I would like,
I'd say that, yeah,
that me and you could,
I think me and you,
for like,
given the right opportunity,
we could be the new Vin Diesels.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's quite an accolade, isn't it?
They should make that a category at the BAFTAs.
Anyway, listen, I'm at Hanoi Airport.
And it's the end of a national holiday when I'm flying out of Vietnam.
So it's like rammed, proper rammed.
It's so rammed, it's like, you know in a film
where they're trying to set up that the airport's chaotic,
it's like mental.
Found my check-in desk or whatever.
I'm in the security queue.
I'm the only non-Vietnamese, not that I've got anything wrong,
I don't think there's anything wrong with this,
but I'm so the only non-Vietnamese person that I can see
that I'm starting to wonder if I'm at the right airport.
Do you know what I mean?
Because I'm on a flight to London.
This is mad.
Anyway, so I go through to security.
I'm just like, get my passport checked.
And then we've got to go through the actual bag check or whatever.
And there's a business class queue to the side.
And I just show my boarding pass to one of the staff there.
And I go, is it all right to go through here?
And he goes, yeah.
So I walk through.
As I'm walking through, I get a hand on my shoulder from behind, right?
I turn around.
It's this Vietnamese security guy.
He just goes, come with me.
Oh, my gosh.
What the fuck?
He walks me over to his console, like his little computer desk or whatever.
And he goes, wait there.
And then he gets on the radio.
He gets my passport off me.
He gets on the radio, says my name.
Somebody comes back to me and he goes,
right, you need to sit down.
And I'm like freaking out.
I'm just thinking, I don't know what's going on here.
I'll be honest with you.
I assumed I'd been racially profiled
because obviously it does happen at airport.
Not so much now,
but it did used to happen a lot
where you just get pulled aside
just because you tick a lot of the boxes.
And so I sat there and he goes,
and I just sat there for ages.
He's checking other people through
and I think I don't know what's going on.
I just said to him, excuse me.
And I was nervous because I'm like,
I don't want to be too rude to this guy,
but I also need to find out what the fuck's going on.
I'm about to miss my flight or whatever.
So I go to him, could I just ask what's happening?
And he goes, you need to wait here.
Some security are going to come and collect you.
And then I go, can I ask why?
And he says something to me, and I just can't understand what he's saying.
His English isn't very strong.
My Vietnamese is obviously non-existent.
So he says something to me, and I'm just like, this is how it begins.
This is how my 10 years in a Hanoi prison starts do you know what i mean like shitting myself three security
come through and they just like gesture to me come with us oh my god so i walk out with them
right i walk out with them one of them hands my passport to another person working there and we
carry on walking so now i'm separated from my passport i've got no idea where that's gone that bloke walks off i'm just honestly mate i was like this is it this is
fucking it i'm gonna miss the flight and this is gonna be one of these things where they go
ex-mock the week star romesh ranganathan is now beginning his sixth week in hanoi institutional
prison or whatever i go through to the other side there's a room with like frosted glass a tiny room
with a frosted glass door he goes go in there mate can you imagine what i'm feeling like at this time
like i've got my stomach's not even hearing about it out of control anxiety yeah of course i go into
this room i shut the door behind me there's just me a room a counter this bloke walks around the
secure guy walks around the other side and he brings up my suitcase he goes is this your suitcase and i go yeah and i think
he's going to open it's going to be six pounds of cocaine in there six kilos of cocaine in there and
then this is how it all begins genuinely like fucking i basically i'm not even exaggerating
i'd surrendered to my fate this is it now this is my life now i'm gonna have to find
i'm gonna ask them if they've got wi-fi and a blue yeti mic so i could do the podcast but apart from
that i'm pretty much out of the game so the guy opens the suitcase and he goes um he goes you've
got e-cigs in here and i had like little vapes you know like i put vapes in the suitcase and you can't
have lithium battery.
I've done it loads of times. It's never been a problem, but you're not supposed to do it.
So the guy goes, you've got they've got lithium batteries and you can't have them on the plane.
So I go, oh, and I was just like, oh, my God. He goes, can you put them in your hand luggage?
And I go, yeah, I put my hand luggage and he goes, right.
He shuts the thing and he goes, I don't want to have to queue up again. So let me just walk you around. Thanks for doing that.
And I'm just like, oh, my God.
You've got to handle this in a different way, man.
Like, what the fuck?
I walk through.
He walked me through.
Really nice.
Walk me through.
I go through.
I sit down.
Mate, I've not had this in a long time.
I'm shaking.
Of course you are.
With adrenaline.
It took me.
I went and got a couple of beers.
I just had to, like, chill out. Did you do that thing where you sort of nearly tom let me tell you something this is how fucking nervous it was drunk the two beers within the hour that's how mad
two little beers
did you do that sort of crying laughing thing where you sort of like
yeah it was no but it was it was like it was like a come down
it was like a come down it was crazy because you've got you've got an imagination as well
right that's the worst thing to have yeah did you have many beers when you're out of it then
yeah i did um yeah i did drink a fair bit to be honest um not loads but I don't know about mate
I've started to get into the habit
of having a couple of beers
every night
this isn't good is it
do you drink at home
not really
not really
you know what
I sort of
I go through
like
so I had like
I've
times when I drink
it's like
so Sunday
we had the first
christening
that we've
that Grace has been to
so we went to a christening
with Grace.
I've got obsessed, by the way,
with fantasy football at the moment.
I'm obsessed with it.
For reals?
Yeah.
It's taken over my weekend at the moment.
It's infringing on every part of my life.
I literally sit,
I was in the church cursing myself,
and Catherine's like,
what's wrong?
And I'm like,
fucking,
literally someone had passed away, I was like, she's like, you all right, you okay? And I'm like, bloody arsehole, I'm being by my man, you, what's wrong? And I'm like, fucking, like, literally, like, someone had passed away.
I was like, she's like, you all right?
You okay?
And I'm like, bloody Arsenal are being by manly knighted.
And she was like, you're not even supporting Arsenal.
I was like, yeah, but I've got Gabriel at the back.
I've got Martinelli.
He's had a goal disallowed.
You know, Jesus.
It's just like, yeah.
What's Catherine's attitude towards this?
She must be utterly dismayed.
I'm a sad fuck.
And she's now got a child with someone who is every
now and again regresses into having a hobby that you shouldn't have as a fucking married man
men and hobbies it's the maddest phenomenon isn't it yeah so then i have to literally leave the
christening come down to london and do like um a couple like two gigs like me and suzy ruffles
shout suzy ruffles yeah doing two back to back gigs so i'm already so what did you do what did you do did you just did you just have to pull out of the golf tournament
i haven't played golf for three weeks i reckon that's why i'm a bit morose at the moment
um yeah the fact that you the fact that you think that's almost like a hardship is is incredible
it's my off season um yeah yeah because i'm putting so much into stand up at the moment
up until next week anyway
I go to do these gigs
and
I've got a couple of pals
come to watch me
and
that's always bad
that's always bad by the way
yeah I know
it's never a good look
but
I text them and said
like
basically the gig
was over running a bit
and
I was like
I want to be finished
at 10 to 10
and the pub on a Sunday
closes at like 10.30.
So I text downstairs and said,
I'll get me like three or four pints that I can have
when I get downstairs.
And I literally finished off stage sweating
because it was a really fucking hot room.
I walked downstairs and I swear I sank these pints.
It's the opposite of party, like, you know,
a little beer rum.
I was sinking these pints.
Big beer Tom? Big beer Tom. I was sinking these pints and's the opposite of party like you know little beer rum i was sinking these pints like it was like big beer tom big big i was sinking these pints and looking at the bar like that you know you just got real first on and i'm looking at sort of judging whether she's going
near the bell i'm like no i'm probably gonna need a lot another two my mate was like it'd be five
pints in about half an hour it's insane and i was like you know what do you know what like by the way that is insane but
is there anything better like when you walk downstairs from the gig and you saw beers
waiting for you that must have felt one of my favorite things and i've started doing it
deliberately although i did but before you start rinsing me i do pay my way okay but one of my
favorite things is to turn up to a drink and there are drinks waiting for you yeah it's like my i love it oh my it's i love it it's you know like i know it's such a small thing right
and like this is because me and you come from the world like when i go to a gig and i've you
had a good gig or even about you know whatever so when the yeah when you go to the bar afterwards
you know i'll just get a pint of lager please and then they're like they give you it and you go to
pay and they say oh no no no there's money behind the bar for the comedians
i still now will go
get another pint please literally within so down it at the bar i i i can't i i couldn't believe
the extras when he started doing and they're're not big extras, by the way, just for context. No, no, we're not talking Rihanna.
No.
The first time I went to do a comedy club and I was doing the Friday-Saturday
and they paid for my hotel,
I'm not exaggerating,
I'm not exaggerating,
I jumped up and down on the bed.
Because I couldn't believe
that doing comedy meant that somebody
was willing to pay for me to stay somewhere. I couldn't believe it. comedy meant that somebody was willing to pay for me to stay somewhere.
I couldn't believe it.
Like, lost my mind.
You know, the levels that you do, right?
I remember being at a gig, and I think it was like in fucking Oxford or Bath or somewhere like that.
Yeah.
And getting there, I could never ever eat before a gig.
Never.
I just can't.
I've got a two-hour cut-off.
I don't always stick to that now.
But, yeah, recently we can get into that. I just can't. I've got a two-hour cut-off. I don't always stick to that now.
Recently, we can get into that.
I get to this gig and the guy was like,
I'll just free afterwards.
Do you want any food?
There's pizzas, these amazing stone-baked pizzas.
I literally missed my train home and had three pizzas.
I sat just eating pizza and then just looked at the right
and I was like
I could have easily
fucking just paid
for like
my own pizza
and got on the train
I was taking one with me
I just sat there
gouging my phone
and missed my train
I was lucky to get back
to London that night
I nearly ended up
having three pizzas
but spending like
fucking 90 quid
on a hotel
I've started
but to be fair
it's more down to a story
than your driver
getting you a curry for you
mate I've done I've last so I've gig rummaging. But to be fair, it's more down to her story than your driver getting you a curry for you.
Mate,
I've,
I've done,
I've,
last,
so I've gigged for the last three Friday nights
and,
like,
Catherine's gone,
oh,
should we just get,
like,
a take,
like,
should we get Chinese
or,
like,
last week she was cooked
a vegan curry
and,
like,
I could smell it cooking
and I was like,
oh,
like,
I've got three hours
and I'm on stage.
Like,
I turned up on a gig
in Colchester last week, right, like, I had a curry but when I, on stage I turned up on a gig in Colchester last week
right
I had a curry
but when I
she said she was ordering a curry
this is like the greed of me
I'm like
oh should we get some little
like piggy bets to get
so then I've ordered some
like phoned my guy
down the road
got some samosas
pakoras
and all that
yeah yeah
then I've wolfed all that down
eaten a full fucking curry
got on my way
to Colchester
get to Colchester
I get to Colchester
and everything
I get so anxious
before a gig
nerves are just
fucking killer
for me
I get in
and this woman's
like oh my god
thank you for
coming so much
we're so proud
of this theatre
we've really
and I'm like
oh great
cool cool
but all my stomach
is saying is
Coe Brown
I need a fucking
toilet ASAP.
And I'm like,
have you got a toilet here?
And she was like,
yeah, I can just show you.
Thanks so much for welcoming me to your theatre.
I'd just love to immediately desecrate it.
Walking me round backstage,
showing me stuff.
And I'm sweating now,
just going,
yep, that's cool.
Yeah, I know, that's nice.
And I could see the toilet over her shoulder.
And you know,
like when you see like film,
I mean,
you probably were in this situation with like prison films, like when you see like film, I mean, you probably were in this situation
with like prison films,
like when you're like,
someone can see a way out.
Like the moment that fucking,
your man,
Tim Robbins,
works out that he can fucking dig a hole.
And that's where he,
how he's going to get.
All I could think about
as she was talking
is her voice just became mute.
And she was just going to talk it.
And all I could see was the toilet door.
Like Charlie Brown's teacher.
And I was just like, I need to get to that toilet yeah and so basically i started doing it so i
started like moving around clockwise so my back was towards the toilet as she was talking so you're
sort of you're sort of trying to suggest to her movement like yeah this needs yeah yeah yeah and
then i get to the toilet door and i was like oh cool i don't even know what she was saying i was
cool amazing oh brilliant that's so so exciting i'm just gonna go in here i ducked in and i just and then I get to the toilet door and I was like, oh cool, I don't even know what she was saying. I was cool, amazing,
oh brilliant,
that's so exciting.
I'm just going to go in here.
I ducked in
and I just was like,
it was one of the best feelings
that I've ever had in my life.
Do you know what
one of the worst feelings is?
Go on.
Is I went to do an interview
at Radio 1
and I had that same situation
where I needed a shit desperately
and so i get
to the building when you do that you have to sign in it's like going into an airport you've got to
do the bag check and all that shit and then this this producer comes down takes me up in the lift
and then i go through and she goes we've got a bit of time and i was like exactly what i wanted
to hear and then i go um do you mind do you mind telling me where the toilets are anyway i don't
know if you know how it works there.
They can't leave you roaming around the building.
No, no, yeah, yeah.
Right?
So she walks me around, right, to where the toilet is.
Yeah, I know this.
And then I've literally just met her downstairs, right?
And I'm already in a state of like, you're not fully in the,
as you've just sort of said, you're not fully in the conversation
when you're in that situation.
Do you know what I mean?
And so like, we've got, we've gone round to the, she goes,
I go, I know my way back.
She goes, no, I'll wait for you here.
So I just had to go to the toilet knowing there was this person I'd just met
waiting for me.
Probably running, they're probably running a clock on it.
I'm going to discuss, they probably do it with all guests.
Where they come in and they go, how long do you reckon it'll take this one
to take a turn out
I bet Romesh is on there
for ages
no he's vegan
it'll slip out
like a hot biscuit
I reckon it'll be quick
no you know
the worst thing is
like if you're a woman
you can just blag it
that you're just
putting on a bit of makeup
you can come out
and just go
as a guy
if you're over
like what a minute
two minutes
they know you're blue
if you're over
a minute or two minutes you come out with a smile. If you're over a minute or two minutes,
you come out with a smile on your face that was distinctly absent
from before you...
And a bead on.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
It was a bit of a struggle.
Anyway, shall we head back in?
Let's go rip this radio.
Awful.
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Conditions apply. Right, should we do some emails?
Let's do it, my baby.
This first email, this is from...
I'm just going to keep this anonymous.
Hey, both.
I've got a friend who has spent most of his adult life
with no friends, basically isolated.
It's through no fault of his own.
He's a lovely man,
but he spent his life looking after his family.
I've introduced him to my friends,
who are a wonderful bunch of people,
but love to rip the piss.
Because he has no level of where the piss-taking starts and finishing,
sometimes he struggles.
I've taken a step back and made sure I'm trying to be more supportive
as a mate, but I'm worried I've enabled the piss-taking.
Help, please.
Also, big love to you and Tom for spreading the love.
It's the main reason I'm getting in touch.
Peace and love.
I was about to give the name of the lucky idiot
but anyway
that's the sitch
wow
Tom Davis
number one
what an incredible
sweet soul
we're dealing with
very nice
two sweet souls
because the sweet soul
who's brought in
the sweetest of souls
who's been looking after
his family
all this time
in a way
you know
I have to visualise
sometimes the people
that we're dealing with
and the person
he's talking about,
I visualise like
if Tom Hanks
was playing him
in a movie.
That's how I'm
thinking about it.
Does it sound like
the best film?
If you don't mind,
I mean,
unless there's something
else that's going to happen,
if some robots
turn up and stuff,
I'm in.
Yeah,
but this is the thing,
I love these sorts
of movies.
Yeah,
they don't make films like this very much anymore. No, no, no, no, but like, if it's like, these sorts of, I love these sorts of movies. Yeah, they don't make films
like this very much anymore.
No,
no,
no,
no,
but like,
if it's like,
you know,
he sees him down
the supermarket
and he's sort of like,
you know,
he's just walking around
on his own
and he's just like,
fucking hell,
this guy's always on his own
and then like,
he basically sort of like,
turns up at his house,
knocks on the door
and yeah,
fucking,
it's like,
you know,
do you want to come out
and yeah,
he resists at first
and they become friends
and then they're probably like into like a i've no dance competition or something
together and win um yeah and there's always going to be like that arsehole friend who's always just
mean he's because he's just jealous yeah he's probably played one of those actors like you
know you see in everything we can't don't quite know their name yeah they they must make a really
decent living them guys right yeah yeah i mean is that is that the best one They must make a really decent living, them guys, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, is that the best one
where you make a really
decent living,
but people aren't sure
what they've seen you in?
Yeah.
And then when they see you...
That's...
Yeah.
In terms of lives
that you choose,
that's up there,
isn't it?
Oh, yeah, of course.
There's that guy,
he's in like,
Born Identity,
he's in loads of...
He's a really good actor.
Yeah.
He's in...
I literally can't remember,
I wouldn't know his name.
Yeah.
He just turns up
and I always go,
this is going to be good
because he's in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's sort of got quite a weaselly little face,
but he's sort of like...
I've managed to manufacture a career
where people see me and say,
go, I'm not this **** again.
You're like the opposite of him.
I can't remember.
I'd love to know his name so I can give him some props
but anyway
that's the whole thing isn't it
ironically that's the whole thing that we're talking about
it's a beautiful thing
listen I'd say he's actually
probably just worth talking to this guy about
because it is different
I think genuinely as well
I don't think it's just a matter of him not being in
like not having friends before I think it's a matter of I think different as well. Like, I don't think it's just a matter of him not being in and like not having
friends before.
I think it's a matter of,
I think different groups have different ways of,
you know,
the Mickey,
Mickey,
someone quite quick and you sort of like,
you know,
quite quickly,
you're sort of,
and almost in a good way.
Sometimes I think that if you're involved in a Mickey taking an event
quite quickly,
I think sometimes that just means that there's a bit of acceptance there,
but that can be quite daunting.
It can be quite scary for someone who's not been around that.
I think I always look at it as like,
yeah,
my relationship with you,
I'm like,
yeah,
as much as we've got a very sweet side where we chat about stuff,
but we take the piss out of each other a lot.
And that's,
that's one of the things that I know that when,
if you've got that relationship with someone,
then I know,
oh,
this is a friendship.
Whereas if you don't have that and it's a bit awkward,
and you don't, then I think, well, actually,
this is just fucking, you know, this isn't going anywhere.
But it can be, if you've not been around that kind of world,
then I guess it can be quite scary.
It can be quite sort of upsetting at times.
So I'd say it's probably best to talk to him.
I'd say I wouldn't talk to your other friends and say, look,
he's up on, let's just call him
Mac, because that's what I'd probably call him in the film.
He's up on Mac because he's not
used to this kind of banter and stuff.
He's been looking after his
family for ages. Because that can quite
quickly turn into them thinking that
he doesn't like them or whatever.
I think an honest conversation with Mac
and I'm around him and just, this is how we do things.
And maybe just organise stuff for you two at times
and maybe just introduce him to banter in a sort of, you know...
Like a training camp.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could do it as a bit, like almost that.
Matt, are you giving advice now you're continuing to write this film?
No, I just think it's quite a good sequence in the film
is when they go out and they go surfing and Mac falls off his surfboard and let's call the're continuing to write this film. No, I just think it's quite a good sequence in the film is when they go out, you know, like they go surfing and Mac falls off his surfboard and like,
let's call the other guy Vinny.
And Vinny's like,
oh,
fuck him.
And then he suddenly gets the nickname Wipeout.
Wipeout.
And then like,
and in many ways that fall that he was so embarrassed about is what's
actually made him part of the group.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to write this down afterwards.
Yeah.
I'll actually call it it can i be in it
yeah yeah you could you could you could be little ron you're like the guy in the uh uh in the film
who used to be mac used to be the person everyone took the mick out of but now when yeah but mac's
come in you get really really angry and like yeah i'm not the i'm the most resistant to him yeah
yeah you and the guy you and the bully who's like that guy i'm not the i'm the most resistant to him yeah yeah you
are the guy you and the bully who's like that guy from at the end of the film like we've had like
i've like humiliated him in front of everyone and then it all turns around and i go you know
the truth is is the reason that i've been like this is because i once was you you know the thing
when i look at it the joke was on me all along.
And then Tom Hanks just puts his hand on your shoulder
and he's just like, maybe me and you should be brothers after all.
And then it goes, keep trying, keep trying,
knowing you can always count on me for sure.
That's what friends are for.
And that's the name of the film
that's what friends are for
yeah great
really like it
yeah
I think it could be
yeah
is that the end of your advice?
yeah pretty much
yeah
right
I think
this is what I think
this is a real thing
blokes
love to take the piss
out of each other
and so many blokes
they're
if you don't do banter
and you don't like football life as a man can be quite tough socially i think because blokes just
use football as chat lube and they also love taking the piss out of each other and the fact
is that some people are better at it than others i know people like this who are like
not that good at the chat not that good at throwing out insults and stuff like that.
And they'll say something and a tumbleweed will roll across the pub or whatever.
I think, it's a difficult one to give advice on.
I think you've got to hope that you're,
basically with the people that I know that aren't that good at it,
what happens is that the other guys just stop taking the piss out of them
because that's not the way they like to interact with people.
So I guess what I'm saying is,
I know Tom said don't have a chat with him
because I think he doesn't like him or whatever.
But I think, actually, you need to try and hope.
And if this doesn't happen, you need to try and...
You need to hope your friends sort of change the way they interact with him.
And, you know, you can keep doing the piss-taking
with people that are up for it but um but people but with this guy i think you need to just be a bit more considerate
and hopefully your friends will pick up on that but if they don't i think it's probably worth
saying something ideally not ideally only when he's not there do you i mean it just sort of um
i think that's the best way to support him really um you You know the actor I was thinking of, by the way?
Is that what you were Googling the whole time I was giving that advice?
Yeah, Chris Cooper.
Chris Cooper.
Right, okay.
Shout out Chris Cooper.
We'd love to have you as a guest on the podcast if you're up for it.
I just suddenly came over all tired as I was talking there.
I don't know if it was tired or emotional,
because I think there's a part of you that at some point has been Mac.
Oh, definitely.
Definitely.
I still think has been Mac. Oh, definitely. Definitely.
I still think I am Mac.
I mean, I don't, I don't, God, I'm about to say something.
But I'm just sort of thinking out loud here.
Do you ever have moments where you think,
I don't know if I do have any friends?
Do you ever have that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that.
I think sometimes I've moved on from certain groups
that I used to be friends with.
Yeah.
I just don't want sort of the negative people in my life.
And then sort of sometimes, yeah, there's days where I feel that I'm,
you know, like the inflatable things at a swimming pool.
And like there's loads of people and I'm jumping around the inflatables
and I've got loads of people around me and I'm loving it.
And then I just jump into it.
So hold on, let me just get this thing.
So I just want to get
this visual completely confirmed so there's the inflatable there and you're on it on your own and
everybody else has formed a crowd to watch you no no no there's loads of people together like
holding everyone's on the inflatable we're holding hands pushing each other you made it sound like
you were delivering a show or something no we're all laughing together you know there's wrestling
going on and just just this's an incredibly fun time.
And then I leap into the pool,
sort of just with this big,
sort of like carefree smile on my face
and then close my eyes
and sort of like,
then I open them again
and I'm just in an empty pool.
No one's there.
Oh my God.
Is the inflatable there?
No, no, that's gone.
No.
The inflatable actually was, yeah.
That's how i feel sometimes
i think that sometimes you go through a time of i don't know whether it's just everyone feels like
that but there's time you do you ever like and like maybe even to go even deeper you're like
oh my god the edges of the pool are so far away and there's no one to reach out to
yeah yeah that's sort of i would say that's where you've lost me.
You, you,
you,
you sort of
stumbled your way
to that in a way
that it was going
to be something,
I thought it was
going to be the
final hurrah,
but actually ended
up being the thing
that's disconnected
me from this analogy.
One of the things
just before we,
just before we,
just speaking on
swimming pools.
Yeah.
And I know this is
a very like privileged
wanker thing to say,
but I noticed on holiday I have become worse at dealing with the temperature difference
between the swimming pool and the outside.
You know, my kids would just jump in the pool.
Oh, no.
You're a toe dipper, aren't you?
I'm not a toe dipper.
Hold on one second.
That was Lisa.
The beautiful swan.
The elegant swan.
I'm just checking if I've got the house keys
because she's taking Reggie for a groom.
Oh, nice.
How's the new dog, by the way?
Um... I suspected that what the house didn't need was a second dog.
I would say that I've been vindicated.
But there's two things going on.
One, Reggie and the new dog, Ivy, are having a great time.
They love each other.
I don't really like the way they play with each other,
if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, but dog, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It can be quite...
There's a lot of kind of mouthing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And there's a lot of sniffing.
Yeah.
And there's a lot of licking.
Yeah.
And I ended up having to get...
I got so freaked out about it,
I ended up Googling it,
just to see if this is normal.
Weirdly, this actually plays into Mac's advice.
The advice for Mac.
In what way?
Well, like,
sometimes when
you join,
like, you
know, you
accompany
new friends,
sometimes you've
got to pick
up a bit
of mouthing,
a bit of
sniffing, a
bit of
licking.
Yeah.
To sort
of like that.
I would say
you used the
word weirdly
correctly,
though.
Because it is
weird that you
would apply that
in this instance.
But yeah, no,
I think you
might be right.
You know, they're sort of like at each other. Yeah. Yeah. So, weird that you would apply that in this instance but yeah no i think you might be right it's a bit
you know they're sort of like at each other yeah yeah yeah so um yeah and then you are you're like
the guy who's written in but like what i've noticed just extending this little example that
we're using is that they'll be like nipping at each other and sort of messing around and then
every now and again one of them will nip the other one a bit too hard and then they'll yelp and then every now and again, one of them will nip the other one a bit too hard and then they'll yelp.
And then the other one sort of steps back
as if they're like, oh, that was a bit much, I guess.
And that's what your friends need to do.
They need to like, you know,
if they say something piss-taking and it's a bit much,
they need to sort of step back and reflect on their behavior.
So in many ways...
What you could do quite nicely
is if he gets all of his friends together down the pub and you go down the pub with your two dogs.
Me?
Yeah.
If you go to the pub with your two dogs.
I'm not, I'm not, look, look, I'm not,
I don't think he thinks that this mate of his needs puppy therapy.
No, but if all of them, right, and you basically go in,
you text him and say, I'm going to be there in a minute,
watch what my dogs do and then say to your friends oh look look over there that guy oh so it's not
even it's not even me taking the dogs for something to for them to bondo it's literally watch the
dog's behavior learn from it is that what you said yeah no if he goes if he's sitting there
and he's got an ice cold pint he turns around he goes huh look at that guy over there with those
two dogs and then your dogs are scrapping together in the pub and making a bit of a racket.
And then the bite thing happens.
And then the guy turns around and goes,
I guess that's a bit like us and Mac in some ways.
Sometimes maybe we go a little bit too much
and we nip him a little bit hard and he doesn't like it.
That's weird, isn't it?
And then you basically put the dogs back on the lead,
finish your pint, and then just walk out of the pub.
Yeah.
Or I do think it's more likely, which I just sort of start reiterating
what they've said, what they've realised amongst each other and go,
so, yeah, you know, it's about watching.
And they just go, yeah, Ron, we get that.
And I go, you fancy another drink?
And they go, no, I think we've learnt the lesson, mate.
So this has been great.
We've already got one new guy in the group who we don't really want here.
We don't need another one.
Anyway, I hope that advice helps good luck while i remember
while i remember i was on the train on the way to the dave chapelle and chris rock thing the
other night and i do want to give her a shout out uh a young lady called lucia uh approached me i
think it's lucia or lucia apologies for if I've got that wrong. Well, I definitely have got it wrong on one of those
because I've pronounced it two different ways.
But she came up to me and she basically told me
she was just really nice about the podcast
in a way that made me quite emotional on the platform.
Yeah, so I just want to say thank you so much, man.
What you said was really appreciated.
Okay.
This is from the loving Labrador. Wow. quick one this time very very quick uh just want to say thanks for the pod i
look forward to listening to each week it never disappoints as your reward i'm going to give you
this gem you ready for this yeah hit me baked risotto oh we've had a few emails like this
you've mentioned a couple of times what a ball like risotto can We've had a few emails like this. You've mentioned a couple of times
what a ball-like risotto can be
as it continues watching.
Not baked risotto, my friends.
It's a game changer.
You put all the liquid in at once,
you pop the lid on,
and you stick it in the oven
for about 20 to 25 minutes
at 160 degrees Celsius.
Enjoy.
I might even do that
tonight or tomorrow.
Yeah, that's cool.
Are you going to let Catherine know?
You're just going to wait
until she's started,
didn't I, before you,
cut of your little grandpa.
It's my favourite
moment.
Just walking,
hello darling,
throw that in the
fucking bin.
Daddy's doing
an oven baked
risotto.
I'm going to,
I might even try,
I can't tonight
because I'm working
but,
yeah,
that's happening
in this household
and then I'll be
coming back with
a whole review of it.
Big tings. So thank you for loving Labrador yeah thank you very much another quick one
yes from the gecko yeah we've had a lot of emails but about this actually uh anonymous gecko here
from miami florida wow who owns her own pool and you're all welcome here anytime well thank you so
much gecko uh chemicals in the swimming pool mean that any piss is completely eliminated or eradicated
and makes it safe for others to swim in.
So be assured that it's totally fine if you do so and no others have.
And I'm telling you this, Tom, the blue cloud is a myth.
However, this absolutely does not mean it's okay.
It is totally antisocial to do so.
And anyone above the age of three should know better.
I was wrong on this one. That basically summarizes all the emails that we've got that that there is no health issue with it right but it is still absolutely unacceptable
to piss in the pool yeah i'm sort of that's basically that's basically the that's the
general consensus but you're still i know we i've just i've seen you've heard you start to say you're
still 50 50 on it because it doesn't matter if everybody,
if everybody in the world disagrees with you on a point that take,
you're so willing to concede that takes you to 50,
50.
Is that right?
I just think that I just think there's some people who messaged me as well.
Privately.
Obviously he didn't want to email,
email in who were like,
look,
I've missed Nepal.
I don't want anyone else to know this.
Like, and I will take those names with me you know they're my brethren right i'm not saying you go in the pool to use it as a toilet i'm just saying if i'm having such a
good time and such a laugh tom tom i was i was at no point did i think you were fucking lunatic
enough to make that as that you go into the pool.
That was never on the cards there.
And the fact that you even clarified that makes this worse.
Right.
But if I'm in the pool, say, with you,
and I can't remember where I'm at the time,
but I was playing volleyball and just having a laugh and stuff and just getting underwater and trying to put each other's trunks down
and stuff like that.
If I'm having such a good time,
there's a good chance that'll happen.
Hmm.
Okay.
So pleased with yourself, isn't it?
Okay.
Your face is facing half the time.
This is from the giraffe, okay?
Yeah.
I'm interested in your take on this, actually.
Okay.
Recently, I've noticed that my partner keeps
sitting on our beds wearing his outside clothes by outside clothes i mean things that he's worn
out of the house for example work work clothes he's had on all day for context he works in a
brewery gym clothes that he's worked out in clothes that he's worn out at the weekend etc
am i wrong in thinking that this is disgusting i recently read an article about the kinds of germs
you can pick up from gym equipment uh slough what was it say staff bacteria and the thought of that on my bed is freaking me out i
admit that i'm a bit of a germaphobe but i don't want the outdoor gems on our bed outdoor germs
on our bed sheets just seems completely avoidable to me sitting on the sofa or doing at the dining
table i accept but on the bed what he's spoken to him about it and he claims it's just something
he's always going to do should i try and not think about it or do you think i'm justified in wanting to keep my bed
clean how would you deal with this in the same vein shoes off or on in the house i think that
you can guess my stance but i'd like your opinions thank you very much the giraffe
giraffe shout out i get you i get you but number one you know one of the worst
parts of having uh wearing outdoor clothes that you want on a tube or a train is bedbugs.
Bedbugs are a killer.
Bedbugs are killer?
Well, they're not actually a killer.
They're actually quite mild.
They just give you little bites and stuff.
But they're not nice to have. So bedbugs and irritation,
that's what you want to say.
Yeah, they're an irritation.
So you've got to be very careful with bedbugs.
That's one of the big things I'll be scared of.
I'm with you on this, actually.
I don't think...
I will always take off all my clothes
before I sit on the bed,
or just in my underpants.
Yeah, or if I'm in one of my...
It's just Catherine absolutely terrified
of the moment you come home.
She knows that you're about to strip off butt naked
and clamber onto the bed.
Tom, it's five o'clock.
Yeah, I know, but this is the routine.
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No, but they don't.
No, sometimes I put like a lounge suit on.
Like a pair of lounging shorts and stuff, you know?
Yeah.
I love lounge wear.
I love lounge wear. It's all about that lounge wear. So I sort of lounging shorts and stuff you know yeah i love loungewear i love loungewear it's all about that loungewear i i so i thought i agree i think it's but also in a relationship anything that makes you uncomfortable or you feel like a little bit
icky he should be considerate of that so i think it's a matter of having that conversation also i'd
say actually what you probably need is it's like, you know,
it's like Ron going back to Ron with his dogs.
You probably need some rules, right?
And I think, actually, when it comes to certain people,
it's better to just have clear rules and just go,
once you get in, you put on your lounge shorts or your tracky-bees, you sort of,
and then that goes for sitting on the dining table,
sitting, you know, at the dining table
or sitting on the sofa.
So it's not like, oh, you can have it here,
but you can't have it there.
I think it's a good thing to just,
once you get in, you just take off your outdoor clothes.
And that's what people used to do in the olden days.
Everyone wore suits, and when they get in,
they sort of changed into a pair of Oxford bags or something.
When you got home from school,
did you always change out your uniform straight away?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't. I wore it right the way up to bedtime out uniforms? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't.
I wore it right the way up to bedtime.
You're joking, really?
No.
Yeah, I know.
It's bad.
Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.
So if we were like 12, 13.
Not full blazer?
Yeah, no.
That would have been a fucking sociopath's move, right?
Yeah.
If I was to call for you, right, and say I call for you.
Well, that's where your thing falls down.
That never happened.
Would you still come out to play in your...
No, I don't think I would have come out to play.
Would you have turned up your house and gone...
Knocked on my door on a Saturday.
He's in full uniform.
No, yeah, but we had a kid at school called...
Well done for giving the full
name by the way as you break that out completely necessary for everybody to understand the story
i'm glad you still got that habit there you go and he i remember mufti days he used to wear his
school uniform and everyone was like why do you wear your school uniform mufti days like all my
clothes at home are suits so I only have suits
anyway so I
might as well
wear my school
uniform so yeah
he always used
to wear his
school uniform
did it occur to
you that he was
going through
such hard times
that he was
embarrassed to
wear his own
clothes and
now you've
named him on
the podcast
no no no
he's done very
well for himself
now
isn't that part
of the point of
uniform to sort
of equalise
everybody
yeah but I
remember I was
the only kid who
used to wear dreddy and eclipse at school and i got rinsed for it i was yeah middle school having
i used to wear dreddy i the work i think one of the worst things at school is buying something
that you think is cool then turning up and getting absolutely hammered for it no no no no that's one
of the worst things in life that happens now and now you just like you put something that you
think is really cool so i i you know when you like put on something that is slightly out there
yeah and if it's just going to be all right and then you turn it's that first moment of walking
in to meet people it's horrifying isn't it well you don't know what the reaction is going to be
you know the worst bit of it is when you're with a group of people actually going back to mac
fucking hell max had such an impact on my life but when you're with a group of people, actually going back to Mac, fucking hell, Mac's had such an impact on my life,
but when you're with a group of mates that you sort of all know each other
and everyone's turning around going,
oh, fucking hell, that's a really nice shirt.
Oh, I like those trains.
Oh, those trains are sick.
Where did you get those, right?
And no one says anything about your outfit.
It's one of the fucking lows of life if you're just standing there.
Oh, you look trippy, bro.
Oh, fucking hell, that's a really nice T-shirt.
Oh, mate, where do you get a hat?
And you're just standing there sort of thinking,
at some point, surely someone's going to say something about what I'm wearing.
Even if it's like, oh, mate, where did you get those trousers?
And Tom, you're wearing a hat, aren't you?
Yeah, I am, yeah.
Oh, Tom, you've got clothes on.
You're not naked.
Giraffe. My advice to you is this um i didn't occur to me about this germs thing from wearing your clothes however uh so i i have like sat on
the bed when i've come in and now now that i've read this i think maybe that was that that is a
mistake it's something i'm going to try and change um i think if your other half knows you've got a
real problem with it they i think both of you have change. I think if your other half knows you've got a real problem with it, I think both of you
have something to do here. If your other
half knows that you've got a problem with it, they need to
kind of make an effort to not do that
because it's not a big deal and it obviously
is a problem
for you. So I think they should be considerate.
And on the other
hand, I think if they forget, what you've
got to remember is that he doesn't have this same
thing that you do. So you just need to be considerate of that so if he does forget try to be understanding
so i think what we need here on both fronts here is just a little bit of love and understanding
and i think you'll find your way so good luck giraffe, Giraffe. Tom's, I think, Googling bacteria or something.
What are you doing now?
I was actually just looking at how bed bugs are spread.
And it is, you know, the biggest cause of bed bugs being spread.
Go on.
Seats on the tube.
Is that right?
Yeah.
So beware, beware.
Everyone beware.
Yeah, really beware.
I think everyone, yeah.
Maybe send in, like, pictures to the podcast of you
in your favourite pyjamas and, like, hashtag no to outdoor clothing. Yeah, don't do that, please. Absolutely. send in like um pictures to the podcast of you and your favorite pajamas uh and like hashtag
no to outdoor clothing uh yeah don't do that please absolutely don't do that thank you so much
okay you want to do one more yeah let's do one more yeah okay uh this is from the mole and the
salmon uh it's the mole that's a funny couple in how do you mean as in like how do they do it i'd
never see a mold and yeah no no but also just as friends quite again another good film but uh it's
the mold in the salmon here we're 25 year old and 25 and we're 25 and 24 year old chaps who's from
birmingham but now live in london we've decided to have a chilled holiday away from the car and
i just wanted your opinion on something we've gone all inclusive and we're keeping a tally of the
drinks we're having as we're determined to beat
the system and make our money back on drinks just wondering your opinion on the matter apologize to
the wolf for all the videos you've sent him on instagram we're on the beers but we love the pod
so much and appreciate both your honest down-to-earth and heiress views on anything we would
miss it y'all but we know he wouldn't read it anyway much love mole and salmon tom tom uh let
me shut out the mole and salmon because i can't remember what
evening it was but they sent me about 35 videos of them in different and ebraic states uh if if
to be fair actually if i'd known what you were doing i'd have so i i said look go and smash it
have a good one boys but uh i wish to god that i'd known that's what you're doing because i
actually think that's amongst the coolest things I've ever heard of anyone.
What, trying to beat the system?
Yeah.
I've never tried it.
I mean, I've gone to all inclusions and thought,
I need to make my money back on this holiday.
But I've never sort of actually taken a tally
and thought like,
I actually genuinely,
I'm pretty inspired by these young men.
I think they're pretty incredible.
It's not possible to beat the system, is it?
I mean, it's very unlikely.
Yeah, but this is the difference.
You are the mathematician, right?
And I'm the renegade.
So I'm actually working it out, and you're doing what?
No, no, but also, you are like...
Essentially, this is like Ocean's Eleven, right?
You're the guy going,
there's no way we can get into that vault
and get that bloody money, mate.
And I'm the one going, I'm basically George Clooney,
and you're that other character
who said you can't do it right yeah okay so famously two co-leads in oceans 11 there's
only two of them involved anyway go on i can't wait to make oceans two with you
so we're basically going we like we've got to basically try and you know we're trying now
if we're going to try and get it you by the end of it you look at me we're on the plane back and you go we did it
oh my god we did it you know with four euros left to spare we did it and that's the moment you
realize that anything any mountain can be climbed all right and that's why i respect these two young
men that's a shout yeah how do you okay okay so, okay. I'd love to see the tally chart.
Email it in.
Or actually, if you want,
just add us on Wolf and Owl podcast
and we can look it up.
Yeah, we'd love to check that out.
Don't they water down the drinks at All Inclusive?
Have I just made this up?
No, I mean, that's an old school fable, I think.
I don't know if they do.
I mean, again, that's where Oceans 2 becomes Oceans 3
because we had to probably take a scientist with us.
I would 100% argue that cocktails at an all-inclusive are watered down.
Oh, yeah.
They definitely are, right?
Yeah.
All right, what a boring thing to say to finish off the advice section.
I'm so sorry about that.
Would you?
Yeah, but, yeah, maybe just say something courageous about these two young soldiers uh guys listen do you
know what happened i read this email and i felt one way about it and now i've finished reading
the email and i think you two are an inspiration so i want to apologize for doubting you and i
wish the very best on your endeavors maybe do them a little video message just to say well done
no i won't be doing that so just uh but you know they've got
this haven't they so well done guys okay that is all we have got time for uh tom could you do us
the honors of uh taking us out of this yo hello gentle wind that blows across my face. Hello, friendly leaf that has turned
into a crisper
shell. Oh,
is that you, rain, my sacred
brethren?
Look, we all know what's happening.
The summer
is slowly
drifting away, and autumn is coming
in, and for one
reason or another, it's a relatively scary place to
be right now nothing is more important than having some people to reach out to friends family people
you care about i was at church recently and whilst quite a lot of the stuff that the man at the front, the priest, talked about,
I put into a little box called Stuff I Don't Really Care About,
there were some words that I took with me.
There was some feeling of actual community and being there for one another.
And actually, when you break it down, religion of any kind and... Oh my God.
Friendship, work, whatever. religion of any kind and oh my god friendship work whatever the truth of life is being there having people you can rely on don't be a lone ranger don't be a lone wolf although i how and although i walk through the forests and the rocky landscapes.
I do nents alone.
I have an owl beside me, a friend.
Find your furry friend to walk alongside you,
is what I'm saying, or swim alongside you.
God bless you.
That's really nice.
And I think the take-home message from that
is make sure that you do nents alone.
nice and i think the the take-home message from that is make sure that you do nance alone um um guys uh um what's happening did we have to say something about the burrito t-shirt or something
we got an email about is it a burrito t-shirt did we got we got an email oh yeah yeah sorry yes we
do have to say something about the burrito t-shirt so the burrito t-shirt very much unlike the party run t-shirt sold out really quickly
the burrito t-shirt sold like hot cakes the party run t-shirt sold like hot sick
t-shirts now on a massive reduction.
And still haven't sold out.
They're still our coldest item by a long way.
Even though you are Party Rom.
If I see you wearing a Party Rom T-shirt,
I'll do a video with you.
There you go.
That's the...
And I think that affects eight people in the world.
So I don't think I've even got one.
Anyway, so they sold out, and then people got in touch to say,
can I be notified when they're coming back in?
They are coming back in.
We're getting a load new done.
I think they're going to try and figure out if removing party ROM
and then adding that.
No, but in all seriousness, we're getting more burrito T-shirts in.
So if you want one, you just go on the, I think, is it like, yeah, just.
Why are we so bad at this?
This is so bad.
It's awful.
Antonia and Flo and everyone else who, maybe if you write the script,
we can just read it out as a script thing
because we're not very good at this bit.
This is a bit that we're really...
Yeah.
As well as other bits, I would say.
I wouldn't say this is our only flaw.
So anyway, thank you guys.
I want to play for you a song that
they played on League of Their Own
as part of a new item
and it just made me feel really good.
I ended up dancing in the studio.
So I want to play this for you now.
This is Midas Touch.
JT, can you drop a bit of Midas Touch for us?
Bang it.
Guys, we'll see you next time.
Thank you so much for listening.
Peace.
My guy.
I've got the Midas Touch
Everything I touch turns to gold
Oh sugar
I've got the Midas Touch Baby, let me touch your body and your soul If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all,
please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com.
That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com.
Thank you.