Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 16: Chinese Soup & A Creepy Conman

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

We’re talking… phlegm-filled openers, charity gigs, Tom’s creepy Chinese restaurant swindler, an eye-gate update, Twitter trolls, Rom’s train waffle champion, Bristol’s GPS dog and our favourite comfort films. Plus, emails on maintaining a relationship with an ex, bad smells in public places, and the great ‘sit or stand’ debate. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back! Roll your way into prizes like coffee, donuts, and even $60 Tim's gift cards! Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply, Canada only, no purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking thinking paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal probably so when you need to break free from responsibility and

experience something that feels more you reach for craft dinner because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love that's when it's gotta be kd when you gotta do you it's gotta be kd shop now and it's gotta be KD. When you gotta do you, it's gotta be KD. Shop now. Yeah.

Yeah, what'd you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served.

Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler. That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler. Both of them are known to pull up at your shows, have the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let em see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive innit, the death bringing, his head spinning

Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Oh my gosh, who's in the room? The wolf or the owl? Geeks already, fuck us same Inside the rain Like your flame Smile to a friend

Cause the brothers are here okay welcome to the wolf and owl providence saliva podcast thomas spat all over himself i'm glazed in phlegm glazed in his own secretion no one calls it phlegm anymore. No. Like, maybe doctors. Well, no, no, what are you saying? Yeah. Doctors do call it phlegm, don't they?

Yeah. Mucus. Yeah. But when, you know, when you were a kid and you used to phlegm it and just sort of, like,

garb up a bit. How much are you using that? I mean, how much is that word coming up in your sort of everyday phlegm? I sort of, I wouldn't say I've got rules

about what I talk about, but I wouldn't say phlegm comes up that much. Oh, hello. Bit of a pun. I wouldn't say phlegm comes up that much. Oh, hello. A bit of a pun. I wouldn't say phlegm comes up. Look at you, the pun doctor. Hello, Tim Vine. Ron Vine's in the building. Hello.

I discovered a problem. By the way, we can talk about phlegm in a sec, but just very quickly before I forget. Go. I discovered a problem with our relationship now. Go on. Well, we saw each other at a gig last night and what i discovered was it's actually not beneficial to the podcast for us

to talk to each other outside of the podcast no no i realize no we basically have to sort of almost just keep our relationship in these parameters yeah it looks like yours and my friendship can only exist on zoom now it's unfortunate by the way garages and thank you to people who came it was an amazing charity like for me and you like our relationship to exist backstage is almost impossible because correct before a gig i think we're both full of anxiety and nerves and but we deal with that in a way of becoming quite quiet and sort of or actually you deal in a really way of being quite cool and quiet and getting your shit together i did it way of becoming really really annoying um and pacing i thought you

were charming um i think you're charming and then after what is going on and then after a gig we're both we're both kicking ourselves because we think we've absolutely fucking well before we started recording this podcast tom and i are very annoyed that we didn't do more new material at the game last night So I had new stuff and I had new stuff too. Yeah, but I will say this I actually genuinely thought you ripped it but that you brought some sweet sweet fire to that fucking stage yesterday I don't want to blow your dick. No, you fucking did man. I was like sitting backstage I was like fucking hell man. was like, fucking hell, man. Do you still, by the way,

I still get a buzz at the store. I still think it's like... Yeah, the store has got that status, hasn't it? Yeah. It's still like a buzz to get on stage at the store. It's a wild one. I love it there. It's amazing.

Thank you very much, everyone, who came out for a good course last night, by the way. And it was lovely to meet Wolf and our fans uh not as lovely as just meeting romesh fans obviously yeah you're quite selfish in your fans you don't like them to collide do you yeah i sort of i should probably take this opportunity to uh acknowledge this i don't like other acts doing well on the gig uh on the goog or the gig on the goog goog, yeah. On the goog. That's what we call it. When you get to my level, that's what we call it, gigs.

We call it gigs. What do you think of that goog last night? I don't like accepting accolades alongside other people. Some people say I'm a Wolf and Owl fan. I say thanks very much. What I'm thinking is just fuck off. Stay the fuck away from me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need you to be a Romesh fan. Yeah. Whereas if someone said to me, I'm a Wolf and Owl fan, I'm like, yeah, I'm considering getting a tattoo. That's the reason I clung on to those coattails. I'm really considering getting a tattoo of an owl peering over my panty line. You should have it like where it just looks like the wings are kind of over your belt.

Like a meerkat just a cheeky little look over and then you'll have to get you'll have to get the front of the feathers painted onto every pair of your boxer shorts just to make the effect to it thousands of pounds literally have to go into somewhere and go yeah um so these are 400 pairs of underpants um i need little owl wings painted just exactly here yeah it's only really for the benefit of katherine i need one like who's doing my costume where i have to take off clothes that's the only other time i'm naked in front of anyone so the reason I was saying that it was not a nightmare,

that it's a problem for us to bum into each other is because you basically, you had to tell me a story yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That really would have been better for me to hear the first time. It was an insane story I couldn't keep to myself.

Yeah. It's fucking mental, right? So basically, before the gig last night, I'm teeing you up here for what I consider an incredible anecdote. Gosh, I should I feel so Incredible pressure loaded. I feel like Doc Holliday when why hurts is it a fucking gang of road into town? And I'm the best guy with a shotgun. I'm like, oh So gone You went to Chinese restaurant. so i go to my favorite chinese

restaurant in chinatown do you want to give them a shout out one keys shout out one keys yeah right i should say on this as well me and katherine have just started watching the watcher i incredible bit of programming banging um so i basically go into one keys right uh one keys is like one of the oldest restaurants in Chinatown. It's one of those places where they sit you on a table of four and then they'll put other people on your table when you're eating. Sometimes I like that, sometimes I don't. So I'm sitting there, I'm sort of going over this new material that I didn't end up doing,

and I'm basically having a chicken soup, a chicken sweet corn soup, and a little can of Coca-Cola. As I'm sitting there the as the chinese would have wanted yeah nothing better to wash that out chicken this week for sit down they're the good old ice cold coca cola yeah um as i'm sitting there they this guy comes over the waiter and uh basically sits him down and uh he sort of goes out i'm certainly and he goes are you enjoying that tom and i'm like that's a bit of a strange way that he says i'm like yeah man yeah i think it's good he's like

yeah is it nice here tom and i'm like yeah yeah it's really nice thank you bro yeah it's good he's like oh nice one cool cool nice one tom right i'm just like that's just a strange way of like people recognize you but say yeah oh yeah but it's just all straight anyway waiter comes over over and like to get his order and he just says i'll just have what tom's having and points at my my meal and the way it was like okay he said yeah yeah it's good yeah tom and i was like yeah, it's great. So, the way it goes, he just sits there staring at me at this point. He just, like, literally, as I'm eating, he's just staring at me. It's geezers, brother.

What are you feeling at this point? Like, I'm going to say as well, this guy was like, you know, he had a weird Vin Diesel vibe to how he looked. Right. Like, and he was dressed well. He had a way about him. He wasn't like, he's a proper geezer. Do you know what I mean? Like, just a bit like, I'm like thinking, this is strange, right?

And also, but then in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, I have a vivid imagination. I've been watching The Watcher. Maybe this isn't as fucking mad as I think. Maybe I'm just, you know, anyway. His food comes over and he's like, this is good, Tom. This is good, Tom. I like this, Tom. This is good tom i like this time this is good

and i'm like did he say your name that many times mate he kept saying my name it was like constant i don't like that yeah i don't like anything about this and i'm like this is good now this is turning really weird so and then sort of put my little notebook away and i'm just like trying to look at my phone uh and then they bring over this chicken and rice thing and he's like are you having chicken? he's like oh he's having more Tom and I'm like he just kept on saying stuff with my name in

so anyway he finishes his soup downs his Coca-Cola yeah the Coke as well took the recommendation he said have a good rest of your evening good luck see you later Tom alright good luck for tonight

or something he said good luck which in my head I'm thinking that's insane because what does he know that I'm gigging tonight

or does he just mean good luck what the fuck is that you're freaking out a bit yeah I'm proper freaking out and he gets up sort of

nods and walks off so I'm like that's a fucking weird exchange thank god he's gone, like, that was fucking just, you know, finished my food, uh, and then you go up to the counter to play, you get a ticket, you go up to the counter and pay, so I go up to the counter, and I'm like, you know, A6, please, and the woman's like, 48 pounds, I'm like, 48 pounds, I was like, what the fuck, like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like mine's like 20, 25, 26 pounds,

whatever. Like, you know, 30 quid at most, like, you know, and she's like, no,

no, no, no, no. And then she shows me the receipt. All right. And I'm like, it shows the,

the bill, but it shows what he's had as well. And I'm like, no, she said, you pay for your friend. I was like, no,

I don't know that guy. I like, and she said, you're Tom, you pay for your friend. And I'm i don't know that guy i like and she said you're tom you'll pay for your friend and i'm like he's not my friend i don't know the guy and she said are you tom i said yeah i'm tom and then the fucking managers come over he said like what's good like he's like what's happening here i'm like the guy's just what he said no but he says you'll pay he spoke to me he said you're tom are you tom and i'm i am tom right i'm tom but i don't know who he is he said like you pay he says you're his friend you're paying for him so i don't know that

guy it's like he you just put him next to me he said no when he came in he pointed at you and said to join you my god i'm like i never met this guy in my fucking life right they're literally like you pay you pay they like and it's quite a sort of it's well known for being like quite The redness staff don't take any shit there. Yeah, I need the should they because you're drunk to my about so And it's not their fault. It's like they don't know so I'm like look I paid for the for me in this fucking but I leave like let genuinely wrong and my heart and like hearts racing at this point I'm like How the fuck is he planned that thing right

that he's seen me in there or did he watch me walk in there or did he like or is he is it just by chance but the whole thing was just like calling me but the thing that fucked me

like really did my head was like when he was like good luck I was like what does he mean by good does he mean that like for the gig or going to do a gig

so is he going to be good luck I hope you've got 46 quid in your account. That's obviously a question. But is he, does he, what does he mean? Or does he mean, like, good luck? Do you not think he's just trying to, like, he's trying to sell the idea that you're mates?

Maybe, but the whole thing was, like, genuinely, right? Like, look, we've talked about this a lot. We talked about it, I think, last week, right? When people recognise you, that it's, you know we've talked about this a lot. We talked about it, I think, last week, right? When people recognise you, that it's, you know, there's a variant of ways it goes. People are either lovely, super friendly, or they might be a little bit fucking overzealous.

Sometimes they can be a bit aggressive. There's different ways. This was genuinely, in my life, one of the most fucking, like, I don't get what, like, the whole constantly, everything he said, he said my name. But then, like, so in my head,

I'm like, well, by chance, he just watched me walk into his restaurant and think i know he's going in there i might just follow him and get a free meal but then like the whole way went about honestly and then but then i'm like my what my mind will run away with me like because of things like the watcher and whatever i'm into and i've got like'm like, so I start, I call Catherine and go, oh my God, how freaky. And then Catherine's like, oh my God,

that's fucking really, really weird. Then I get to the gig and I'm like, I think maybe I'm overly playing this. So then I tell Susan. How can you overly play?

Well, I'm like, maybe I'm thinking too much about this. So I tell Susan, and as soon as you walk in, Susan's like, oh,

tell Ron what happened. So I tell you, and you're like, oh, that is fucking weird is fucking and actually to be fair i was like when i see ron ron is probably the most like when i was terrified of ghosts in my hotel room ron gave me a bit of solace and i'm like actually one will probably just say i'm overly thinking it your face when i told you the last bit was genuinely like oh no like like what that was like an air stewardess if the plane's going down is it gonna be all right and she's like i don't know it will be all right i mean the guy's just like done like a is it a grift or but then i just think there's so many variables of like how did he when i walked out of the restaurant i'm not joking i was like where is he is he watching to laugh at it, just thinking

I've just fucking done it? You know what's possible? You know what's possible? Because the thing is the idea that that is premeditated because it can't be it's such a shit grift do you know what I mean? Like for 20 quid and it's so unlikely. Let me say by the way he didn't look at all

like he didn't have 20 pounds in his, he was dressed well. I think this is what I think the most likely thing is. But, you know, obviously I'm speculating here. I think what happened is he came and he saw you, sat down with you, like just saw you, wanted to sit with you, right? He's got some bollies on him, right? Wanted to sit down with you, sits down.

And I think at some point during the evening during that process he decides that's what he's going to i reckon it came to him in the moment but the other thing i don't get is like there was not like um right so this is what i mean like so like that me and you were both in the so usually when someone recognizes you they'll go i like the wolf and out or like king gary or da da da but there was like there was no there was no conversational part of like it was like what i mean is like it was just constant like you're enjoying that food tom is that nice tom yeah but it's just doing that to look like you too yeah yeah and then it is the grift isn't it it's like that's what i mean it's like there wasn't a moment where i'm like oh he's coming he's gonna have a little chat he's like oh yeah don't know

what being up to how you been and all that It was just like this weird... And between talking, he just was fucking looking at me. Like staring, but not in like, just staring. Like, if I was to turn around... What a horrible thing to have to... If I was to turn around and go, what are you looking at? He'd then get aggressive. So I just sat there thinking... Forget the money thing.

He's basically, not only has he made you pay for his meal, he's ruined yours. Oh no, mate, he's destroyed my meal. And let me just say but i've been going to this but i think i've talked about it before i've been going to this restaurant since i was like my dad's best friend uh willie from like hong kong so we've been going for chinese new year i go to this restaurant like the staff change they're not going to know what you know i've been going there for a long time it's a turnover of staff but we're going there a long time so it's like a place that i go i usually go there before a gig i usually used to go there a lot or not because it's just an amazing chinese restaurant but i so i was looking forward to it and you know in your

head you're like i'm gonna sit there i do this and i'm gonna go and do the store it's gonna be amazing literally sat there thinking this is just a like yeah i don't know man i thought it was just genuinely i was like i felt it didn't fit It felt more like this is like an intimidation thing. Yeah. The only thing I'm slightly nervous about is that that guy is like a Wolf and Al fan. Right now, as we're saying this, he's sitting in wherever, masturbating

at a fucking grift gone well. And not only that, not only has he had his dinner paid for him, he's now getting a mention on the fucking podcast. Look, this is a mad thing, right? He'd also had the... You know, the chicken and rice I said about? He'd dinner paid for him. He's now getting a mention on the fucking podcast. Look, this is the mad thing, right? He'd also had the chicken and rice I said about. He'd taken that with him because that was on the bill. It was two of everything.

But he didn't sit and have the chicken and rice with me. So he's even left before you. Well, he knew how to leave before you. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, you've talked a lot about how quickly you eat on there. Only last week you were talking about smashing away two pizzas in seven minutes. So he's thought to himself,

if I have the chicken and rice at the same time he's having the chicken and rice, there's no way I'll win that race. I can pretty much eat a relatively sort of like warm soup to two of his dishes. Any more than that, I'm going to be killing time. I've got to pay for my own meal. I mean, he's gone, I've got to pay for my own meal.

What insanity, though, right? if I'm going to get away with this life changing £20 gift that I'm pulling off my best version of it is he's just gone literally to a pub to meet his mates and gone oh my god you know that fucking idiot from the TV Tom Davis

chicken and rice boys is on Tom Davis who wants to share a single portion of chicken and rice? Courtesy of the wolf. Who? Tom Davis. Who? So with things like that, it's like you just feel angry after, right? I feel more scared.

You know, like, I genuinely, right, if I ever see that guy again, I will, I think, oh... What are you doing? Buying him another chicken and rice? If he promises to leave you alone. If I see that guy again, I'll shit my pants.

Why? Because genuinely... That's purely because you've been watching The Watcher. Yeah, I know, yeah. That's insane, isn't it? Yeah, but you and I need to find this guy

and fucking weigh him in. I hope he listens to this. I hope it was just a small little grift. It's just not, he's not a stalker. No, but I think if, first of all, he's not a stalker. Can I just tell you this? He's not a stalker.

He's an opportunist. All right, so I want you to put your mind at rest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're perfectly fine. Yeah. The thing that happened to you is annoying. Yeah. You had to pay for a chicken and rice

and a chicken and sweet corn. Why you went double chicken beyond me, but it's up to you is annoying you had to pay for a chicken and rice and a chicken and sweetcorn why you went double chicken beyond me but it's up to you wash down with a coke but that's what he's got away with he's probably furious before he opened it up he's gone fucking hell, chicken again this prick

really dry chicken I did this to Steve Coogan he had a variety of dishes nice spring rolls in it yeah so that's all that happened there

yeah so it's just annoying do you know what I mean but I my what I'm slightly worried about is that

not worried I'm not worried by the way I shouldn't use the word worried because you're in a fragile what I don't want is that he's the sort

of person that would get off on it he's not going to if he's done that he's not gonna listen to the podcast feeling shame no he's gonna he's gonna be absolutely ecstatic i had a thing once somebody tweeted going this is pretty actually this brings me on to my next thing that i need to talk to you about um oh my god what am i presenting a fucking mid-morning magazine show? What the fuck is wrong with me? You are really dancing around the fact of becoming the new Richard Arnold.

Am I trying to put a format onto this? Which brings me on to my next point. Tom, if I could just stop you there. We will come back to that later on. What's he doing now? Mum's working for GB News now. Yeah. He's talking about how he wants his family gone.

Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong.

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So I got a tweet from somebody, years ago this is, going, your eye makes me want to throw up, right? So like, you know, it's just like a vicious tweet. And then I just like retweeted, just like a vicious tweet and then i just like retweet i quote tweeted it and then i just said don't normally retweet praise but had to share right that's good yeah just it's a stupid thing anyway i logged i went onto his twitter and he just went i can't i can't believe this is happening i'm so excited like he was like getting off on being really fucking outed like that i mean and i wonder if like that's what i think this guy's psychology would be like he's just like currently just

absolutely jizzing all over his room at the thought that he's not only committed this crime but now he's opened the podcast i mean i imagine he's really anyway sorry the i thing uh we've had a couple of things i need to give you updates on first of all yeah and it's made me feel slightly bad but i didn't thank you enough so many emails saying how lovely it was that you supported me in the steve eyegate yeah it's not a great name um uh sounds like i get sounds like i'm gonna get grace it's like a fucking fault that's how i started this issue um but um so like like you just would like loads of people saying what a great mate you were in that situation so um and i don't know if i thanked you enough i don't think

i thanked you at all actually so can i just say i love you you sent me a lovely text no i didn't do it for that it's in regards my years and it feels like saying i've got to say on a daily because i was literally saw something like do it yesterday when we were together and I was like what the fuck like yeah but the other thing is is Steve got back in touch wow okay

and he said that he's really sorry and that he didn't mean it he didn't mean it in that way yeah so it's a strange one this right

because it brings weirdly like I had like this I had a running thing with a guy who made a few jokes about me this week on Twitter right

he sort of came in came in on me and he sort of like referred to it like me being sort of stupid like on something right did this quote

of something and then him and another couple of people were just sort of having a bit of a dick like so I just like I sort of

did the way you so I messaged them. So, they're calling you stupid because of what? What's their evidence? It was about a fantasy league thing, I think,

about a football thing I'd done. Right. And then they just went in a bit, like, and then he was just sort of like, almost like being sort of like, yeah, this guy's,

won't be able to understand basically what the insult is, but this is, you know, and then sort of there's, you know, that sort of Twitter vibe. Right that sort of twitter vibe right so i just messaged him as like look you know i kind of know what's going on here whatever like cool if that's how you want to sort of like spend your days but you know it's fucking try to be positive there's no and he sort of comes back and was just trying to you know someone just didn't banter's misjudged so i'm like who is this

fucking guy i look at him he's like an advocate for fucking mental health he's like all this he was going it happened so much right and so i'm like be kind yeah so i'll message him and say look man like you're actually and looked at some of his creative stuff you're clearly look yeah you're clearly quite a creative guy you're clearly quite an intelligent guy and you're an advocate for mental health and actually what you're doing is you've now destroyed like you've ruined my evening tonight with my family my daughter and my wife because you haven't got me so you need to barely look at yourself right and i'm like i don't want to be aggressive or but that's like you know i don't yeah just been honest so then he then fucking comes into my dms being like oh yeah you've got the wrong end of the

stick i'm like no i haven't you know what the wrong end of the stick. I'm like, no, I haven't. Yeah. Go back and read your tweets. Then I look at his tweets. He's deleted about three of them. I'm like,

okay, whatever, mate. And then he's come back to me again saying like, oh yeah, I apologize and all that. I'm like, you know that thing,

but you know that thing I want, and I didn't do this because I, yeah, I think you've talked about this maybe before. So I'm, Kevin might have, there's a, I was this close to just going, if you want attention, I'll give you attention. I'll fucking, I'll quote tweet this, what you're doing,

and see how you like when people see it. Because I'm not that vibe, man. I'm not that guy. I just, I don't like it. I hate fucking that, you know. But I was like, I'm not going to do that. Because I don't want to fucking put someone in that position but you know when you're just like in the sense like you're saying with steve it's like it's a you know and i i respect that steve's apologized and i

always think you know whatever man and he said it wasn't his intention he was like trying to be funny yeah but the thing about it and what i'm saying about like whether it's you know someone saying something about your eye or the fact that my intelligence, you know, that's something that, you know, someone who's dyslexic who didn't finish school, I find that kicks, that's something that sits on my shoulder a little bit. So I think when people say stuff, you've got to be culpable. And yeah, he's apologised, he says, not my intention, but you're like, you know, like Twitter and social media and email and anything you're writing down,

everything like has a consequence. So I've done that. Don't get me wrong. I've done fucking stupid things. I know you have as well. I've written things on Twitter and then I've had to take responsibility and suck it up and fucking have my medicine. But I think everyone's got to be a little bit more like,

think about the person that when you're writing something like that. And I get what he's doing. In that email, it's deflection. He feels a bit embarrassed about what his original email so he's deflecting it to try and you know

try and make him seem like a more jovial character but what he's doing that he's having a go at yourself and he's like that's why I didn't like it and that's why yeah

but the thing like genuinely and I said I'm not going to go over it again it fucking really pisses me off I just I really get angry about it i remember the first time we did a panel show together i had to fucking bite my lip

just thinking but do you know what okay but like i'm just playing devil's advocate here right and i and i love you for being so supportive and i know it annoys you but i do not think some like part of the part of the reason for that is that if you joke about yourself which obviously we do like yeah we joke about we joke about our hang-ups because that's what you did at school right like you know when i when i was growing up like i'd get shit about and then you just sort of come up with a self-defense mechanism and it's almost like you get there before somebody else gets there i mean you get there first or whatever so then people obviously like you can understand is part you can partly understand when people sort of think

that it just must mean it's open season, right? No, no. I think if you're an intelligent kid, if you're intelligent enough to craft an email to write, and, you know, Steve's not an idiot, I think it's bullying. I don't think it's right. And I think that, like, you've made that your thing

as I've made certain things for myself right i i cannot i don't want to get my but i look at like you as a younger as a young boy when that must have first happened and how hard that's been through your whole life and i don't think that's right you've made that your fucking place to do that because you feel bad about it you don't need to be made any, to feel any worse by other people trying to make them feel they've got one up on you. And I've sat there in rooms when you're killing it and you're crushing it

and it's not coming from a comedian who's doing it to be on your side of doing it because they know that's a weakness in a way that, yeah, you make a joke out of it, but that's what grinds my gears. It's not a matter of going, it's because that's a vulnerability that you have and that's what i don't like and i don't think it's cool my god you're like a fucking i thought i was doing a podcast with a superhero i love it no no just yeah anyway and look yeah i'm not perfect but i'm like i just yeah

anyhow anywho my g i had an incredible interaction on the train home what last night yeah hit me a guy came up to me and he just went this is so lovely he just went fucking hell are you romesh ranganathan and i went yeah and he goes holy shit holy shit you're like my you're like one of my favorite comedians oh my god this is such an amazing day and he goes, holy shit, holy shit. You're like one of my favourite comedians. Oh my God, this is such an amazing day. And he goes, I just want to say, man, you fucking, honestly, I love your shit. And then he just starts walking down the train carriage

going, you're not going to fucking believe who's back there. That's a nice thing. Rubbish Ranganathan's on this train. Rubbish Ranganathan is sat in that carriage down there. And then like about a minute later he walks up to me and like gives me a little fucking sugar waffle in a packet he goes i just want to say this is all i've got on me but i just want to give you that to say thank you for so you basically get a guy on a train who's like literally like fucking your hype man

and i get a psychopath you get a face you've come out of yesterday with a free sugar waffle and I'm 20 pounds in the fucking hole. Sure, but I would say if I was analysing that and say which one's more likely to be the stalker,

I'd say it's my guy. If that makes you feel any better. I love the fact he's going through his pockets trying to look for what he's got and it's like, oh shit, I only had one of those sugar waffles

because those sugar waffles come in packs of two, right? I think so, yeah. It's just like an individual. It's not got a wrapper on it has got a wrapper on it hasn't given me loose but what i mean is it's only got like a it's got someone get have you ever had that with someone you ask someone for a chewing someone has a chewing gum and they've got one big they bring it out of their pocket it's not in a wrapper like it's falling out of the wrapper have you ever had that vibe and then you you feel compelled to take it yeah but really you think i can't you know yeah i'm gonna eat something it's called a bit of lint hanging off it a little bit of christmas lint i watched an inspiring thing the other day about have you heard of i think it's called pip this dog

pip did you hit that it's the dog right basically there's this dog i thought of you and you're reggie but basically i think that i think the woman someone took this dog out for a walk basically the dog got away and it walked five miles home on its own just knew where it lived and there's cctv that this woman's gone back and got all the cctv of the dog walking back. It's like just strolling over a big bridge. Really? It's fucking insane. I'm sure it was called Pip.

Reggie would not walk five metres to return to me. Yeah, we go to Pip Pass on Bristol's most iconic moment. So it's 4.6 walk after he's separated from his owner on a stroll. Oh, yeah, he ran off in Lee Woods. Why is the detail of that story that you need confirmed the name of the dog by the way it's me so you've given you've given me all the data details and you go oh what was his name i'm sure no but i wouldn't like if you're giving props to anyone you've kind of fucking got to like know their proper name here's a question for you how does that dog

know the way like it's a hell of a walk i'm trying to think what you know like you've got a mental map i'm trying to think what my what our dog's mental map would be it's just this is the this is the course of events libby bowls loses pip and lee woods just west of bristol the six-year-old dog crosses clifton bridge begins his solo journey home he plots a how did pip get left what happened? He ran off in the woods. Right, okay. And she thought he was done for. And then he crossed the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

Then he walked past Clifton Cathedral, BBC Bristol, Bristol. I mean, basically, he's not just found his way home, he's gone sightseeing. On the way back, he's gone past, yeah, Pip then wanders down busy shopping streets and across the harbour. Did you ever watch when you were... The damming indictment of Bristol that nobody thought, there's a dog walking along the road there. On its own. yeah Pitt then wanders down busy shopping streets and across the harbour did you ever watch when you were that being in Dartmouth or Bristol that nobody thought

there was a dog walking along the road there walking along the entire high street with no owner but I'm just going to leave it

did you ever watch when you were a kid The Incredible Journey no what's that what hold on is that with the dog and the cat

and the yeah yeah yeah yeah I've watched it used to be the film I used to go to when I was poorly and then I watched that film should have just been called The Journey, right?

Fuck off. Oh, my God. Oh, fucking hell. Give them some credit, mate. One of them nearly dies. It's like that wasn't incredible. I mean, Pip's got nothing. They walked halfway across America.

Yeah, no, you're right. It's fucking incredible. Mate, how can you take it away from them three when you're fucking always sucking off Forrest Gump? Me? When did I suck off Forrest Gump? Those three, I literally, I was like, that's incredible what they've done. those three I literally are like

that's incredible what they've done yeah I'm I've been like I've been feeling like a little bit like

I've had a lot on basically and then so so when I'm sat at home and I've got a bit of down time you end up like reaching to the comfort

things to watch comfort things so what I've discovered for me is my comfort is pixar films right yeah yeah and so theo the other day said to me dad whenever i come into this living room you're sat watching a children's film what's going on and like that has been my week because every time i've had a bit of time i'll stick on a pixar i watch this is like and obviously there's loads of great Pixar films right I'd watched

I've watched them I mean I watched Ratatouille the other night oh man Ratatouille by the way is one of the greatest films ever made oh my god

it's what a film do you know I will sit and I will rewind and you know the final review that he gets

oh my god with uh what's his name Ego yeah the muse just the music oh mate

I'd literally the music oh man oh man that movie that i'm saying it's an amazing film like amazing i mean like there's so many good things about this is not a film review podcast and nor would we be reviewing film yeah so this is a new podcast we're reviewing pixar movies from 10 years ago those of you that have not got a chance to watch ratatouille over the last decade so i'll bring a film to your attention have you ever seen a movie called toy story so here's the premise when you leave the bedroom the toys have got a life of their own and they do get up to some high jinx. I don't mind telling you. Now, Woody's world is thrown into turmoil

when a astronaut, I don't even buzz Lightyear, who actually has a more recent sequel that's not as good, a prequel. Oh, but, okay, this is more recent. Have you watched Lightyear? I've not, no, no, no, no. Is it good?

I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't bother. I feel, you know, my big gripe with it, right, is that they didn't use Tim Allen. Yeah. I find it's weird that, it's weird that, isn't it?

I mean, I like Chris Evans, but it's a weird decision, wasn't it? That's a snake move. If the toy is based on the character, are you saying the toy is shit then?

No. You know what I mean? It's like they've not used the original voice for the toy well the voice is everything as well isn't it like just the how we you know like yeah shout out to him do you know talking about pixar movies maybe one of like so um grace has had a bit of a cold last cut like last sort of four or five days so we the three of us sat down on saturday and she was sort of like feeling a bit like she wanted to be like a little cuddle and all that we sat, the three of us sat down on Saturday and she was sort of like feeling a bit like she wanted to be like a little cuddle and all that. We sat down,

the three of us and we watched Frozen. And I mean, she watched 15 minutes, but. Can I just say, you know, Frozen. Yeah.

I'm going to say this. Yeah. And I'm saying this categorically, no irony. That fixer upper tune is just a stone cold banger. Oh, mate, mate. That is a proper. let me say i've i filmed her when let it go came on it was a massive moment of mine in her life just

watching your little girl for the first time when she's looking at me the music fucking building yeah clapping her little hands she then just drifted off didn't really watch anything until the last five minutes when it all sort of came together. And then she sort of sat there and just sort of like critically looked at me. I took the boys to Disneyland Paris. I took the boys.

Listen to me. We took the boys to Disneyland Paris. Really gives you an insight into my levels of narcissism, doesn't it? Took the boys to Disneyland Paris and on the last night or penultimate night,

we took them to watch the fireworks at the castle or whatever. Oh wow. Mate, I don't know if I was tired or whatever or what

or just maybe I checked my bank balance like the day before or something but the fucking emotion that I felt watching the kids

watch that fireworks I mean it was just crazy. It's just like... How old was Alex at the time? It must have been like five. Charlie? Charlie was three, two, three. Yeah.

Was that too young? Because I think I want to try... I want to do Euro Disney next year. They've got the Frozen World opening. Like, you basically experienced... I mean, I'm going to try, I want to do Euro Disney next year. They've got the Frozen World opening. Like, you basically experience, I mean,

I'm just speaking, I'm just talking Disneyland Paris, obviously. I've not been to the American one. But, you, like, as your kids get older,

you're accessing different levels of a theme park. Do you know what I mean? So, what I mean is like, they'll have rides, you know, for little kids. And then you'll go and you'll go to and you'll go to a different section of it,

do you know what I mean, when your kid's older and blah, blah, blah. The problem we have is we've got three kids at three different age brackets, so you essentially take them so that none of them have a great day. They're all just half baking it. Yeah, yeah. They're all compromising when we go out. Well, we should probably get into emails. We've looked massively overrun here.

Oh, fuck, man. Yeah, go, go, go, go. Oh, my days, my G. I know. We just got so carried away with the chat. The chin wagging. This email is from the Lonely Wombat. Oh, wow. And it says, greetings to the Swan. Well, for now, thanks for the podcast. Really appreciate the laughs and honest insights into how you view the world it's for these insights that i'm mailing in

probably best i remain anonymous as i've introduced a few people to the podcast one of whom this email is about so here goes here goes my dilemma i divorced my high school sweetheart of 17 years together seven of those married we had grown up together and they loved each other very much and it worked extremely hard we both felt that we had a better chance to be happy apart rather than stay together and keep struggling through obviously this is world shattering and hard for both of us as i was the one that initiated the ending i felt i had to stay strong and lead the way in terms of starting our lives apart i unexpectedly moved on quicker and started spending time with someone and although i tell myself as a distraction only nothing serious it's now four years later and i'm living in ireland with the distraction during the time

during this time my now partner and i were going through the divorce and since my ex-husband and i promised to remain friends and support each other i worked extremely hard with my new partner to make him okay with this weird situation of me being friends with my ex cue to my ex-husband moving on as well but with a woman who isn't as comfortable with our friendship and has been honest with me about working through insecurities even going to couples counseling to support her through but in the meantime either restricting his interactions with me or just ignoring my messages when we do speak now he talks about his progress through psychological issues but never about his or their life or anything fun and has stopped asking me anything about my own

life i miss our chats about comedy life and values opinion on things but now i feel he isn't interested or allowed to show me that side anymore being high school sweethearts, we share the same friendship group I'm home at Christmas and would love to catch up with the group and him, but I'm scared he won't be allowed to come or worse won't want to come. His behavior is hurtful to me. As I worked so hard to keep in my life. And now I feel like I mean so little that he's happy to just let our friendship fade.

Should I continue to try and maintain his friendship, this friendship, or just quite appropriately let it go? tom davis well did you this is quite a tricky one this it is hard but then sometimes i think that life is like a series of novels uh like token vibes or harry potter or some shoes like that and actually sometimes you have to be ready for the fact that even though you're enjoying the book and you might have taken some time to read it the final chapter sometimes looms there and you've got to close that book and move on to the next one i think the fact is that i think there's a probably a part of it all where you're holding like firm to that that relationship because you

kind of need that and like probably there's a sense there lonely warm bat that because you initiated the separation you probably feel some element of like he's maybe moved on and let it go and you haven't and and i think like there's a part of you that probably still feels like you want to hold on to something you haven't kind of ripped off that band-aid just enough and that actually uh you know you you've moved away you've moved to a new place you know there's probably a side of you that's got that sort of you got a new friendship group i think it doesn't mean you can't sort of still catch up with your old friendship group at christmas and see people but i think you you've got to come to terms with the fact that he if he's

moved on his missus but it's amazing that you've all gone through this the therapy you've all gone through the things you've gone to try and keep it tenable and trying to keep the relationship I don't know you've not said if you've got kids in there like obviously it's a big thing but yeah but I think sometimes you just that you just have to just say like you know you've worked your hardest at it but when it comes to any kind of friendship and it comes to anything i think there's only so much you can put in before actually you look at life and you think what you're wasting your time the time's valuable and i think actually just let him come to you if he wants to come to you and and then you can then

you can see where you're at but otherwise enjoy your new romance your new distraction who's obviously more than a distraction and just um just keep moving on magic um i don't know if i have much to add to that it's just beautiful and i love the book analogy as well and uh you know the france 98 world cup squad used to talk about how sometimes when they're playing with Zidane, they would forget that they're in a game because they loved watching them so much and they'd stop and watch. And that's how I sometimes feel doing this podcast with you. Oh, wow. Jeez. My God, I love you so much. If I'm Zidane, you're Henri. Wow. Thank you. That is way too high praise, but thank you so much.

Uh, the lonely one, but, uh, look, I think it's a tricky one this, because when you break up with someone and you break up with someone amicably, one of the things is, is, you know, depends on how you break up, I've had breakups. We've decided we're never going to speak to each other ever again. And I've had breakups where it's been, you know, you keep you break up i've had breakups we've decided we're never going to speak to each other ever again and i've had breakups where it's been you know you keep in touch or whatever the problem is you can't really control you can't you don't ever have full control of how that breakup transpires and and your situation is you want to keep in touch with this person for obvious reasons i mean you were what your high school sweethearts and you were together

for a long long time so a big part of, a big portion of your lives has been spent together. But the reality is, is just that, you know, when people move on, it's just difficult to manage that, you know, he's gone on and he's in a new relationship and you're in a new relationship somewhere else. And while it would be great if you could keep that friendship going and as strong as you want it to, it's just not always possible. And it's just, it's unfortunately out of your control. And so, uh, I think, you know, I guess I'm sort of waffling, but my advice is that you've got to let things take their course and yeah, you're going back home and it'd be great to catch up with the group. And I, but I think you just have to let him make that decision, whatever that is.

And I know that you feel like I sort of of the implication is that you feel like he's being sort of controlled a little bit or maybe he's not coming against his will but i think as difficult as that is you just have to live with that i mean he's in a new relationship he's an adult he's making his own choices if he decides he's not going to come, that will be a shame, but unfortunately you just have to accept it. Do you know what I mean? And so, um, I think you just see how it goes is the truth of it. Um, as, as difficult or as easy as that may be.

So good luck, listen, good luck with that. But it sounds like you're in a great situation with this, uh, with the distraction, so, um, hopefully that will help, uh, solve the wound of the, um, friendship. Well, you fucking last minute winner there. It was beautiful. Yeah. Roll over, step over just as you place the ball, like on Reno little on rerun up towards the Spurs fans in a nice slide.

okay next email guys this is from the bog rat wow the bog rat i recently started listening uh and really enjoying and hearing your views and opinions on life i would like your advice on a particularly offensive behavior that i've encountered at my local lidl what's your what's your little take to me you're a little shopper little amazing man it was some fucking great deals but yeah whilst waiting at the that sounded like i wanted you to put the boot in on little i didn't know if little was a friend it'd be a sort of someone i wouldn't necessarily always invite to the pub but i'd always be happy when they turned up yeah yeah they probably have some fish fingers in a spatula whilst waiting at the till to pay a pungent smell of urine wafted past me looking around i realized it was a horsey woman who although appeared well kept with nice nails hair and makeup

they've obviously been mucking out paddlingdling around in horse piss, and hadn't changed their boots before going into a food shop. I had to steel myself to not say anything to her in any case. I didn't quite know what to say if I did and broached the subject. This isn't an isolated incident, and I feel the horsey community should know about how offensive their smell is in a food shop. I haven't the bottle to do it myself. Have you ever encountered this smell, and what would you say to someone without causing too much offense many thanks bog rat wow i so i used to go

out with a horsey person uh who's like yeah yeah she was incredible dressage she's like an amazing like yeah she was yeah she's an absolute like she was very driven very into it but i never like weirdly i used to love the smell of horses. I'm obsessed with horses. I think they're amazing. I used to actually go out and do some of the training with it. But I've got to say, I live in an area as well where it's quite what you deem as quite a horsey area.

I've never, ever encountered this. I do think it's disgusting. I'd say that to the bog rat. I'd say that quite a weird thing as well. Like, a bog rat, I can imagine, stinks. But, um, yeah, I mean, like, I completely understand. Like, I, one of my most repugnant things is, like, if you're in a supermarket and someone's really kicking up,

there's a smell of BO. Or, I was in a supermarket recently, and one of the staff who worked there had the worst BO. Really? Yeah, and he was, like, lurking about. He was doing his, you know, stacking the shelves in the fruit and veg. And at first I thought maybe that's some off-veg, and then I caught another whiff, and I was like,

no, that is really toxic BO. And I was like, should he be around food? If his armpits stink like that, what else? Is he washing his hands? What's his hygiene like? And then you get someone who's following you almost on the aisle because he was stacking the next shelves and the next aisles when I was hitting them.

I was like, oh my God, he's going to be on the whole circuit that I'm on, smelling like this. Yeah, I felt that was pretty repugnant. So I get it. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. If you and I were meeting up regularly,

say we decided to move this friendship beyond Zoom, and I stank. on zoom and um i stank what how would you go on how would you handle it what would you do i'll tell you no i must tell me how you tell me so you always smell amazing by the way you you you smell well you're well, so I, you always smell amazing, by the way, you, you, you smell well, you're a well, you're a well kept smeller,

right, so, so I turn up, here, okay, here's the thing, right, okay,

would you, you would definitely tell me if I smell, right, yeah, I don't, I don't ever use deodorant, just so you know, what,

don't you, yeah, I've not used it since I was like a teenager, why, I don't know, I just, I just have never used, I've never ever used, I don't know vibes or no i just i just um just stop you i don't know let's just stop using it how do you smell so nice obviously you always use aftershave

right yeah i use aftershave but i don't ever use deodorant so never worry about bio well well i don't know that's what i mean if you've got bo got BO, you don't realise, do you? So that's what, I guess it's, I sort of started, I started asking this as I, and I've known I've got BO. I've talked about it on this podcast

before, many moons ago. I fucking, I've had BO not so long ago and I've got a fucking whiff and I know that, well,

I know I'm in the back of a fucking cab and I'm like, oh, it's just me. I know it's me. If you were kicking up and smelling, I'd engineer a situation where me and you got inside.

We'd end up just me and you in a lift together. And they'll go, Oh, fucking hell. Someone in here has got BO. And then I'd smell my own. You think that's a subtle way of doing it? I'd smell my own armpits.

And go, I don't think it's me. So you do the same. You'd smell your armpits and go, oh, shit, that's me. Yeah. You did do that to me once, actually. Because I'd like a bit of... It wasn't exactly that.

But it was when we were in Newcastle. Do you remember when you put me in that janitor's cupboard for the three nights that we were there? Yeah. And I had like a bit of dry... I think I had a bit of dry skin in my ear. Do you remember this? No.

Come on. And we, we, we got into the lift and he went, did you ever get dry skin in your ear? And then I went to you, have I got dry skin in my ear?

And you went, I do get dry skin in my ear, by the way. I get it around my ear holes. I've never noticed you have like BO, but that's how I think the best way of going about it. I, I've had enough.

Two times in our lives, you pointed out when I've had a bogey in my nose. Yeah. But that's like, you got to do that. Yeah. Which I always think is. I mean,

I imagine there's been countless times when you haven't bothered to tell me I've got a bogey in my nose. I think... I think it's... I think it's more likely... If I walked onto the set of King Gary with a bogey in my nose, you'd say something to every member of the cast and crew apart from me.

I think it's the most likely outcome. Oh, Jesus. Um, well, yeah, sorry, sorry.

So we were, we were in the middle of answering. So I was completely lost myself there. Um, I used to, um, when I started on the circuit, obviously doing gigs miles and miles away,

I really became a very regular uh coach user you know like that's super cheap like yeah so I've been I thought I remember like getting like seven hour coaches from Cardiff and stuff like that coming back from a gig and stuff right and it's horrible horrible it's like the worst especially if you didn't get leg room you're just set yeah and especially also I would say I'll like the worst especially if you didn't get leg room you're just sad yeah and especially also i would say i'll add to that especially if you died on your ass at the game yeah yeah so you'd like you then i remember like i'd be i'd want to get home as soon as possible so i remember like getting like one day i got like a gig a coach back from wales at like

i think it was like four o'clock in the morning right the coach left from like near the the gig or whatever so first of all i had to fucking knock about till then and then i got on the coach and i just sat waiting and it was like this is going to be all right i've like nobody sat next to me and literally seconds before the coach was due to pull off the smelliest bastard in the world sat next to me. Like absolutely fucking stuck. You know when you can fucking taste it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like thick in the air.

Do you know what I mean? And it's like sometimes. He'd been like four seats away, but he's right next to you. Yeah. I would argue I would have smelled it if it had just been waving the coach off. That's how much he stank. This guy's there, right? And like,

you know, it's one of those smells where, do you know, if you wear, if you wear the same aftershave for a long time, like I, I recently started wearing, God,

this is so boring, but I recently started wearing a new aftershave and, um, I keep using too little of it because I really fucking notice the smell of it. Do you know what I mean? Whereas like the one I was using before I was like smashing all over. Yeah. You're bathing in it. I really fucking notice the smell of it. Do you know what I mean? Whereas the one I was using before, I was smashing all over it. Yeah, you were bathing in it. Yeah, because you get used to it.

His was a smell that you'd never get used to. His BO was like, you know the Glade plug-in that every half an hour re-sprays? Yeah. It was like that. So I was sat next to him on the way back thinking, I'm just about getting used to this. And then I guess one of his glands would fucking secrete something new. And it would be like experiencing the hell all over again for the first time.

Did you say anything? No. What am I supposed to say? Could you not go back to London, please? That's the only solution. Was there any other seats at all? No, it was rammed. Oh, mate.

And so I'd gone from feeling like I'd won the lottery by being the only person that didn't have someone sat there. By the way, dealt with the anxiety of that. Why am I the last person that anybody on this coach wants to sit next to? It's so bad to think, right, when you start out doing stand up right I was just thinking about this yesterday when we were doing this yesterday I remember going to Manchester

finishing work, working on the site getting up to Manchester, taking half a day going up to Manchester to do you remember Frog and Bucket you used to do like a gong show yeah of course man, I love that gig I'd never do the gong show, my self esteem can't handle that so you did the gong show, lasted for about a minute and a half and then had to get the night coach back

what an insane thing to then get back and have to tell blokes at a building site how was the gig last night how long did you do about a minute and a half where was it

Manchester five hours on a coach there and back it's instead of ten hours of travelling for a minute and a half of stand up I think you go and do

these five and ten minute spots. Like, fucking... I remember I used to run out of last lesson. I'd let the kids practically go early. Fucking, don't worry about the bell, just get the fuck out of here. Jump into my car, drive to Nottingham, eat shit for ten unadulterated minutes of fucking death. And then get home at, like, two in the morning

and just fucking look around the house checking on the kids going letting you down letting you down finally tell a sleeping lisa that i'm letting her down as well awful hello darlings this is lisa van der pump will Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama.

I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.

Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Right, have we got time for one more? Let's do one more, my dear. Hello, Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat. We've listened since day one and not only do you make us laugh and give us something to discuss each week but i want to let you know your inspiration

in other ways uh e.g rom talking about his squats and how arse to grass has made a difference is something that sticks in my head during my workouts and you are and you are also fashion icons too i remember you mentioning the overshirt uh cargo combo a long time ago and it's everywhere so please do keep up the fashion gym talk too these little snippets during conversations are more valuable than you know anyway i know you don't love praise on to my question my husband and i have a very long running disagreement he stand he stands up to wipe his ass which i've always found very strange he also uses so much loo roll and i feel sure it's because his crack is not open enough to get it clean he says it's none of my business which i completely appreciate but he chooses to leave the door open so he can talk to me while shitting fucking hell there's a lot to

unpack here uh so i can't help but have an opinion do you sit or stand to wipe please say you do it while sitting i need to cut back on the amount of bog roll I'm buying and the current cost of living crisis. Thanks for reading. The cross cat and the dirty dog. The cross cat and the dirty dog. Oh, my God. This is... Right. So, I think you're damned if you're doing damned if you're damned on this.

Right? So, I've always wiped my butt standing up. Right. Right? Because I actually disagree. I think you can get... I think you can get a deeper reach standing up. Right.

But that all depends as well massively on if you're using like recycled toilet paper, it shreds very easily. So you can end up with little bits of toilet paper all over the floor, like debris. Oh my God. This might be one of the worst things I've ever heard you fucking say.

What is your arsehole made of? Have you got a sandy ring? So you could end up just picking up little tiny little bits of toilet paper or having to go and get the hoover after you. Fucking. so you could end up just picking up little tiny little bits of toilet paper or Kevin's going to get the hoover after you I don't find

sitting down I don't think you get a clean enough scope across it right yeah I don't want to you don't want to

listen whatever you don't want to you've already done mate so you might as well carry on you know when I always find I just my worst kind of you know when you get't want to, you've already done, mate, so you might as well carry on. You know, I always find that I just...

My worst kind of... You know when you get... Those shits you have and you think, I could genuinely be here for six or seven hours wiping my arse, it doesn't feel like it'll ever be clean. Yeah. You know when you wipe, wipe, wipe, you think, oh, that's it. Just stood there, pile of fucking toilet tissue fragments around your feet.

Give it another wipe and it's still fucking there. Yeah. That's when sometimes I've got to sit down because I'm so tired from wiping it standing up. I need a break. So I sit down. Our soul's bleeding. Got RSI in his hand. No dexterity left in my fucking two of my fingers.

Have you seen Tom's now got himself a, he's just got a wiping claw. He can't grip anything. Do you, are you ambidextrous when you wipe? No. Right hand. Or right handed you?

Which is the worst, isn't it really? Cause you know, I should probably, you should probably use the other hand, shouldn't you? Yeah. You do everything with your right hand,

right? Yeah. Why are you saying that like it's an accusation? No, no. I'm saying you obviously do. Yeah, but saying that like it's an accusation? No, no. No. I'm saying you obviously do. Yeah, but you're making it out like I should feel ashamed of that.

No, you're... I'm not a witch. Is that what you... I try and do... Like, use my left hand for certain stuff. Right. Like, if you watch me,

watch this. Um, I don't know if I've ever seen somebody drink from a water bottle like it's a fucking magic trick before but that's happened now yeah but my point is this um i think when it i think number one it like i think because you know one big thing that no one's talking about it you know will cost a living obviously which terrifying wars in ukraine terrifying a lot of terrifying but actually you know like a lot of people are going have been going fucking crazy with toilet paper over the last fucking few years especially with lockdown yeah like get ready for the fact that those you know what i can't remember what they're called like paper birds

or something like that's like our sewers are getting clogged up big time with excess toilet paper so actually one of the things that before the even the ozone like we could just be overrun by overrun like overrunning sewers. Okay. Is that your advice to this person? Well, I'd just say to him, look, have a sit down with him and say, look, one of the big things we've got to worry about is all of our sewers blocking.

Because then it's like, we'll basically just be like, there'll just be a puddle of shit glazing England. We've just got to be really careful of that. I feel like that's quite a long-term prospect for him to immediately change his behaviour. We're so concentrated on all the

bigger stuff going on. In the background the fucking fat bugs they're called, aren't they? Yeah, but that's not toilet tissue, is it? That's fat. Yeah, fat toilet tissue. Mate, if you were to duck your head in a sewer and have a little look about, I'd definitely guarantee you'll see some toilet paper and fat all mixed into the bit. Yeah, I you were to duck your head in a sewer and have a little look about, I definitely guarantee you'll see some toilet paper and fat all mixed into the mix.

Yeah, I imagine you would see some toilet paper in a sewer, yes. Thank you, resident expert. Would you see some shit as well? In a sewer? What I'm saying is, get ready, mate, because fucking... I'm saying if this was like, if we're in a sort of like a movie situation, that is one movie, that second, and then the big third one is about fatbergs coming to get us.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, and yeah. I have a real problem with arse cleaning, particularly in Britain. I just think the idea of wiping your arse with toilet tissue and that being enough and that your arse is clean is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Oh, here we go. No, but it is though. You're a bidet guy, aren't you?

I've not got a bidet, but if I'm at home, I will try and rinse the ring. How do you rinse it though? Do you put your bum by the sink? Get the shower head up there. Really? I'm not going to wash my arse where I brush my teeth, mate. Thank you. Also,

I don't leave the bathroom door open, but the prospect of somebody walking in to see me trying to position my arsehole under a tap. I don't. That's the one thing that I don't get at all. That uh having the the that's too comfortable for me what is having the door having the door i think that's the one time that

you should that should be complete fucking that is that is not a spectator you're doing your own fuck no no man that has you have to fucking that's i think that's the time when you know some new time kicks in right yeah um i i, I've dabbled with different things. I try and rinse when I'm at home. I've also used those like, well, I, for a while I went through a phase of using wet wipes, right? Like the biodegradable ones, but I've since been told that even the biodegradable ones are not biodegradable, so I don't know what the fuck to do about that.

But the, the, the long and the short of it is, I find it... You know, like Japanese toilets, they've got the little jet thing. Why can't we have that? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but we're old school. We're traditionalists when it comes to this sort of...

Yeah, but it's disgusting. I think... It's disgusting. Wadded fucking paper to clean your shitty arsehole. It's horrible. Yeah, have you ever used... And then you pull your pants up. There's so many bitches walking around with

fucking fragments of shit in their crap. This is such a weird thing. Do you ever look at certain people and think, oh, he doesn't wipe his arse properly? Yeah, 100%. Your arse is definitely filthy. No, you know who I always think about when I don't think about Gary Neville.

I love Gary Neville. I think he's an absolute G. I look at Neville and I think, he probably doesn't give that a proper... He looks like he's always on the go. He's always got so much on. He probably doesn't do it the due diligence he deserves

oh my god that is oh god that would be the best figure I've ever seen Jesus Christ and you like him as well

I like him I think he's a credit to the game I just think sometimes he's got so much on he doesn't think enough about

wiping his butt okay well anyway in answer to your question I don't stand or sit I squat do you I don't yeah I don't He doesn't think enough about wiping his butt. Okay. Well, anyway, in answer to your question, I don't stand or sit. I squat. Do you?

Yeah. I don't like sitting because I get nervous that the follow-through from the wipe is going to make contact again. Yeah. I don't like standing because, I agree, you're basically, especially with an arse like mine, which is fucking flat as you like, you don't want to get any purchase or access at all.

So I sort of hover. I sort of lift a little bit so that I've still got the angle. You know, like one of those, you know, like a lamp. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, so that's what I do. I'd love to see that sometime. Yeah, maybe one day we can sort it out.

We'll do it on the podcast. The Wife and Arse Edition. Yeah, we can sort it out. We'll do it, we'll do it on the podcast. The wife and arse edition. Yeah, little tag team shit. Uh, anyway, so, so,

uh, there you go. Uh, I don't know if that helps at all, Crosscat and Dirty Dog, but good luck with it. Um, but please do shut and lock the door when you're.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take that time. Take that like five, 10 minutes yourself. Let that become your thing. Okay, Tom, it's about that time, time my g we've actually slightly overrun today yo damien the field mouse damien the field mouse every day

would scurry through the fields and he'd come up to edure Cottage that a family lived in, and every day he would look through the window and see a big lump of cheese sitting on the side of the counter. And his mouth would survey, and he'd fantasize about getting into the kitchen and eating the cheese. So he'd go home, and he'd sort of lay in bed sleeping, just thinking about, oh man, how do I get that cheese? Go back day after day after day. One time, Damien made a breakthrough.

He thought, I need to eat that cheese. So he got into the house and he scurried across the counters and he looked around and he got up to the cheese and he just stared at it and smiled. He thought, finally, I have my Moby Dick, the thing I've been after the most. And he took a big bite from the lump of cheese. As soon as he tasted it, he thought, oh, my God, this isn't cheese. This is butter.

And basically, as he tasted the salty butter, someone opened the door and went, ah, a rat or a mouse. And Damien scurried and ran, but he ran the salty butter. Someone opened the door and went, ah, a rat or a mouse. And Damien scurried and ran, but he ran the wrong way and ran into a trap. And the trap slammed down upon him, and poor Damien was no more. And as his gentle soul swarmed up to go and eat his maker, he thought, actually, you know what?

The fancy of the cheese was actually better than the taste of the butter. My thing is this. Sometimes thinking about something that will make your life infinitely better won't. It's nice to have dreams. It's nice to have aspirations.

But remember, sometimes the thing that you're looking for that you think is going to be the sweets of cheeses is just plain old butter. Enjoy your moments, people. For some of us, they can be fleeting. Really great. Yeah, yeah.

Really great. I don't know if that was inspired a little bit by Ratatouille. Yeah, possibly. I don't know what your problem with butter is. Oh, shit, listen. I mean, who's setting a trap with butter, by the way? You can't just put cheese there. You would still have died.

Have you got to go? No, no, no, no, no. I've got to fucking do something for one of our friends who is a big fan of this podcast. Well, you know he's still recording, don't you? I know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying. Yeah, so what's happening, huh?

I'm just trying to get... No, because Anna Sh sheldrake had that good friend a really good friend anna sheldrake has messaged me and she wants us to play a tune for us to go out on okay fine so i'm just trying to find what that tune is oh here we go we go. Right, so this song is called Set Adrift on Memory. No, Set Adrift on Memory Bliss. Yeah, PM Dawn. Yeah, PM Dawn, yeah. So. Da da da da da da da.

Why has Anna asked for this song? It's a song that she loves. She's put it forward. Anna Sheldrake's an absolute G, someone that we love. We're humbled by her. So, um. And can I well Anna Anna's

absolutely brilliant but can I thank you Tom for not letting me know and making me waste my time choosing a song and then just interrupting me as I'm about to announce it so that you can do

this little request no but now you haven't got to do the work for next week you've got this one loaded sure but it might not be appropriate for next week.

Oh, do you say that? But listen, Set Adrift of Memory Bliss, made famous by the fact, not that it wasn't made famous by the fact at all, but KRS-One, a little fun fact for you about this song. PM Dawn, when this song came out, were really seen as a poppy hip-hop act.

And they were performing this song, KRS-One rushed the stage and basically pushed them off and then started doing his own thing. Oh, wow. Kanye is pre-Kanye. Oh, wow. But it's a beautiful song. So thank you, Anna.

For your show, Greg. For all you do and for the song. This is PM Dawn, Set Adrift on Memory Blitz, a song that only 45 seconds ago I didn't know that we were going to be going out on. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening

to The Wolf and Al. We will see you next time. Bye-bye. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.