Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 25: The Drunk Christmas Special

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

It’s finally here! No, not Christmas. Our Christmas special - and it’s the merriest Christmas special of them all! The Wolf and Owl together in a podcast studio with a bar full of booze. What could possibly go wrong? Ho ho ho! For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List- https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April the 1st streaming on Disney+. Yeah, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last

Requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler Both of them are known

To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship Let them see the whole thing. They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff, a puff and a...

Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Okay, are we recording? We're recording. Welcome! Welcome to the Wolf and Owl.

This is a Christmas episode. Yeah, this is a Christmas episode. I'd say, you know what's happened? It'd be a miss of me not to mention the fact. It'd be what, sorry? A miss. A miss? Do you mean remiss? A miss, no? No, it's not a miss. It'd be remiss of me not to mention the fact. It'd be what, sorry? Amiss. Amiss? Do you mean remiss?

Amiss, no? No, it's not amiss. It'd be remiss of me. What the fuck? Yeah. No, amiss. This is my Christmas present to you. It's remiss.

Really? Remiss is a word. I can't believe we're like 30 seconds in. No, but I've never fucking heard remiss ever said in my life well you've never had it said to you have you had

a miss said to you yes a miss makes more sense no but in the context no no no in the context a miss doesn't make any sense no hold on a second

a miss right oh at miss I've missed the point yeah no something's a miss yeah that works yeah

it would be a miss of me that's incorrect so remiss yeah where's it even come from it would be a miss of me. That's incorrect. So remiss? Yeah. Where's it even come from? It would be remiss. I don't know.

I can't explain entomology of life. This is the trouble, right? Some dickheads come out with remiss as a word and we all just follow the fuck. At miss makes it work. Yeah, but that's how language works, Tom. But this is the trouble. Everybody agrees that we're going to use certain words

for certain things. Yeah, I know. If you suddenly decide that you're going to just pick your own word. Yeah, like bubba sh suddenly decide that you're going to just pick your own word... Yeah, like bubba shunk. What? If you said bubba shunk for something... Yeah, I'd go,

that sounds racist. Really? How does that sound racist? Bubba shunk? Bubba shunk does not sound racist. Why is it? No, if you just said, oh, mate, I went out the other day,

had a few beers, had some chicken, and it was bubba shunk. Yeah, okay. But equally, I could hear that word in the context a few beers, had some chicken, and it was Babashunk. Yeah, okay. But equally, I could hear that word in the context of some Babashunks have been sitting next door. Before we get into it, we've got to acknowledge that we have got the third member. The third member who's, actually, I would argue, more essential than us two. JT. See, you know what? The trouble with JT, right, for me. The trouble with JT? essential, well, actually, I would argue more essential than us two. Yeah. JT.

So you know what? The trouble with JT, right, for me. The trouble with JT? No, no, no. I'm about to big him up. No, I'm bigging him up, but I think we've underplayed his animal name. I think he's a lion for me. Right.

I think before, what did we call you before, JT? You had like a really... Was it a pigeon? A bat. A bat, yeah, a bat. But actually, you know what? Here's the line. He's the one, to be fair,

he's the engine room. He's, you know what? Do you know when people message us going, thanks a lot for the podcast? The truth is, is we take the plaudits, but JT is the one that deserves the plaudits. To be fair, JT has now stepped up

because actually sometimes he reminds us to do the podcast. Yeah. And also, a number of times we sit down, we do the Zoom, we send the record to JT. And JT will go, I've just had a listen. First of all, your sound quality is shit. Can you actually switch on the mic that you've decided to use? Secondly, you've told that story nine times before on the podcast.

Thirdly, you sound really aggressive on this bit. I'm going to take it out to benefit your career that happens almost every week right no worries

I think if you're listening to this and you're walking along or you're sitting in your office chair just do a little

round of applause for JT and subliminally message him oh Rom little Christmas treat oh my god we've got some espresso martinis in the house espresso martinis we are and subliminally message him, oh, rum, little Christmas treat. Oh, my God, we've got some espresso martinis in the house.

Espresso martinis. We're recording this at 21 Soho. I'm going to make a big shout now. It's the best espresso martini I've ever had in my life. Mate, do you know what? The guy here throws just enough amaretto into it, and it really is a Christmas treat. And also, I treat and also shout out while I'm here

and I'm being melancholy I'm going to shout out 21 Soho yeah 21 Soho is great right and it's

unlisted but me and you are going to rock what's unlisted we're here in the basement doing podcasts

we'll do work in progress yeah we're doing work in progress here but we wouldn't unlist the work in progress

what do you get two people coming to do a work in progress at 21 So we're doing work in progress here, yeah. But we wouldn't unlist the work in progress. No, I'm just saying. What do you get, two people are coming to do work in progress at 21 Sober? Mate, I'd love the two people who came here. Do you know how unlisted works? It's a normal gig, and then one person's on it. You can't unlist the whole show. No, no, no, no. I think, right, let's do it then, right?

What, we're going to put out our work in progress that's completely unlisted? No, we'll do one night where it's unlisted, one night it's listed, and see who turns up. That's what I'm saying to you. I'm saying now, everyone listen to this, there'll be a night in January that me and Romesh will be doing...

What's happened here? Who's that? I don't know. I've got some FaceTime video request. Who for? I don't know. I don't recognise the number. Why are you FaceTiming people?

I'm not FaceTiming anyone. That's a weird thing. That's someone you've met in a bar who's showing up that they know you. I fucking know. Have I given the phone number? You've given your phone number. This is the trouble with you, right? Not FaceTime, that's a weird thing. That's someone you've met in a bar who's showing off that they know you. Fucking hell, have I given the phone number? You've given your phone number.

This is the trouble with you, right? I love you to death. Yeah. What's happened here, you've been out, because it's Christmas time, you've been out partying,

party room's come out, you're getting all baggy around the dance floor, having a right laugh. Baggy? Yeah. What does that mean? A little fucking, come on. I've got to be honest with you, I've now discovered Baggy? Yeah. What does that mean? Little fucking... Come on!

I've got to be honest with you. I've now discovered another dimension to this. It's that JT enjoys you ripping. That's something I didn't know, because obviously, you know, he listens remotely. You've been getting baggy and silly, right? Yeah.

What's happened is someone's a big fan and you've given your number out. Now, day of FaceTime. I've had this scenario in my life yeah of course yeah because you give a number out to any fucking person that you know what I had it weirdly with a person who was a unit drive on a job do you know I genuinely thought you're gonna say of color you thought that's where I was going to, when I heard it all quietly,

you thought I was literally going to go there. You thought that's how I'd breach the subject. Yeah. With a unit right, who would go out on a Saturday night and FaceTime me at, like, fucking 1am, and he'd be out with some fucking people that he'd met. And they'd always just be drunk. And the first couple of times

I answered because I thought he might be an urgent need or something. Yeah. And he was just there leather with some friends. Yeah,

I've had that where I've given my number to people, or people I used to go to school with, they'll like, they'll say, I know Romesh

and then I'll suddenly get a number posted and it's just them with a girl that they're trying to get it on with or whatever. And they'll go,

I'll get Romesh to say hello to you or whatever. So often it happens. The number of FaceTime videos I get are like 11.30 at night. What's the best case scenario? Me and you have struggled our whole lives. Do you know what I'm going to do? In order for me to try and sleep with you,

I'm going to FaceTime somebody that's barely slept with anyone. I'm going to be so coked off your head and so fucking drunk that you think the aphrodisiac that I need is a FaceTime with a fucking middle-aged man with three kids. Do you want to FaceTime where we're showing Nathan? Yeah, I do. But actually, weirdly, as he answered, my vagina completely dried up.

Completely. You're in bed with a swan. You're in bed with a swan. As he answered, my desire to dried up. Completely. You're in bed with a swan. You're in bed with a swan. As he answered, my desire to have sex ever again in my life completely evaporated. We haven't even introduced... We're drunk. So we haven't said that. This is the drunk episode.

So this is the episode that people are called for. How many drinks you had? You've had... Let me say, by the way. I've had a lot. many drinks you had? You've had quite a lot. Let me say about it. I've had a lot. Like, you've played catch-up hard. Yeah. No, because what happened was, let's give some context there.

Yeah. I turned up at 21 Soho. Yeah. About, what's the time now? It's five o'clock. I turned up at 20 to four. Yeah. And I started drinking.

Yeah. Because you told me that we were going to meet at 20 to four. I said we'd meet at half 3. Yeah, but you still weren't there. Yeah, I was 10 minutes late and you still weren't there. And then, so I started drinking

and then I phoned you and you said you've been on a boozy business lunch, right? I've had a boozy lunch. Shout out, Humphrey, Elles Hill,

which makes you sound real. If you do not make the entire podcast a shout out, should we actually deliver some content? Yeah, no, so no,

I had a few, I had six points before we came to sit down and then you literally were like I think it was like say

Carl Lewis Linkford Christie sort of vibes what does that mean like trying to like literally you know when you see someone back in that 100 metre sprint

a topical balance from you Carl Lewis and Linkford Christie no no but Carl Lewis somebody's not watched athletics for the last 20 years. I'm talking about Hay Day. Yeah, sure.

You were playing catch-up hard. You were coming up behind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was because... And you have literally now, you're sitting there with an espresso martini. I've got two beers in front of me, one espresso martini,

and I'm loving life. And you're going Christmas shopping after this? Yes, I am. Do you have a list? Yeah, and I'm checking life. And you're going Christmas shopping after this? Yes, I am. Do you have a list? Yeah, and I'm checking it twice. Oh, God. God, this is drunk wrong. Imagine if this was your banter.

I'm checking it twice. It's the first time. Hey, it's been nice. I'm battered, though. I'm going to level with you. I'm levered. I feel pretty drunk. I went Christmas shopping before yeah

yeah yeah tell us a story because you told us a story but no no no I went to Selfridges right and let me say the thing that really infuriates me

about modern day shopping right is that you can't just go in and buy something before we get into this Tom Davis man of the people go on no

I went to buy Catherine a special gift I won't say what it is on here because it's a surprise. And I've been looking forward to getting in there. Like, I still get a

buzz out of buying that yellow bag. I'm not going to buy it. Oh, the Selfridges bag. I still get a buzz out of that.

There's a time in my life I'd never thought I'd be able to buy anything from Selfridges. So I buy that yellow bag to have it under their tree every now and again looking at

it and thinking. Hold on, you just put it in the bag? No, you have the gift wrapped in the bag. In the bag? So hold you have the gift wrapped in the bag. In the bag? So hold on, at your house,

the Selfridges bag is under the tree? Yeah. Listen, you've had that sweet squiller longer than I have. No, but you put it in the bag. The carrier bag. It's a carrier bag. It's not a carrier bag. It's a fucking work of beauty.

But you're talking about a big yellow bag. That's a big bag. It's not a carrier bag. It's a fucking work of beauty. You're talking about a big yellow bag. That's a big thing. Look at you, Big Zen. You're sitting there. I'm not Big Zen, but you fucking wrap a present under the tree. You don't put it in the bag that it arrives in. You put it in a Selfridges bag,

and someone goes, oh, fucking hell, it's from Selfridges. That's some squiller. Okay, fine. You don't just literally... Do you know what? They always should do it in Christmas movies. Just a selection of department store bags

just under the tree. What I love about you is, I know for a fact you are not fucking literally leaving here and going to H&M to buy Lisa's fucking present. It's a big thing in our house. Sure, but the bag, that's a decision, bro.

Right, the bag is a big... I think the Selfridges bag is one of my favourite. When I see people buying around it, I think, oh, good luck to you. I feel like shaking their hand and saying, well done. I think it took me a long time to ever buy anything in Selfridges. Yeah. Like, you know, so for me, I went in there and I was like, I had my mind set on the thing I was going to buy, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get to the counter, ask for the thing, which was more of a... So, hold on, no, no, okay, look, I know you don't want to say what the thing I was going to buy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd get to the counter, ask for the thing, which was more of a... So, hold on, no, no. Okay, look, I know you don't want to say what the thing is, but I sort of didn't understand your story. So you've pre-ordered the thing, right? No, no, no, no, no.

I went in there knowing what I wanted because it's, like, very Pacific, and I'm... No. JT. What, sorry? JT has taken a sip of his Guinness yeah JT has got absolute relish

how do I edit an S onto that oh he really is a thick prick but so I've gone in there specific mate I've had an absolute

nightmare I desperately need a piss you've literally had one I watched you go and have a piss just before we started I know like okay

it's literally like can I get can we get to the end of this anecdote yeah but you asked for the anecdote and then I'll go through you're like

I'm glad I can't take it it's been a long story it's been a lot shorter story you were fucking interjecting all the time just tell the story and then you know what now

I'm under pressure to tell the story hold on we've got a couple of strategies here either we pause the podcast while I take a piss, or you fill while I go and take a piss.

I'll tell you what's going to happen here, all right? Yeah, go on. You go and have a piss. You're second within about ten minutes, which generally fucking worries me. It's not a second within ten minutes. How long are we doing the podcast for? Do you know what?

By the way, by the way, by the way, you represent everything that's wrong with fucking men in this country, right? No, because you go out with your mates, you go out with your mates, and they're supposed to... No, no, no, no, shut up. You're supposed to be supportive and nice. If you dare, even in 2022, if you

dare to take a piss out of Sequence in this country, you get a fucking rinse. No, no, no, no, no. You ask for a story, right? You ask for a story. You start a conversation, and literally five seconds into it, turn around and go, actually, I. You asked for a story. Yeah. You asked for a story. You started a conversation and literally five seconds into it, turned around and go, actually, I need a wee-wee.

Like, it's... No. I love you to death, but, like... No, listen. Don't write fucking checks your bladder can't catch. Can I make a shout now?

Your I love you to death is the equivalent of everyone else's I'm not racist, but... Okay? I'm calling it now okay because you say I love you to death

every time you say it I know that you're going to absolutely fucking rinse me okay so there you go I've called it now I love you

I've wanted to call it for 200 episodes now finally we're fucking face to face I've had a couple of drinks but listen have your way me and JT are going to

chat and we'll do some filler. I'm going to go now. Go quickly. I think you're going to tell the anecdote off. Well, I'm going to have to, isn't it? It's going to be a fucking commercial break and the worst story ever.

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My piss was completely transparent. Wow. Not transparent, clear. Did you have quite a lot of water on the way here? Yeah, yeah I did. I'm trying to hydrate now. Yeah, yeah, that's what you've got to have you grab what changed the height of my chair as a friend i didn't even run around trying to break the worst bank over so you're low okay tell me this story so this is salvages

okay i'll go into selfages in my head i've got this this gift that i'm gonna buy i'm really excited by it right yeah because and by the way i know you don't want to say what it is but i do think it's it's a great gift. And do you know what? We've had a tough year. It's been a hard year. It's been an amazing year, but also Catherine's been incredible

and I wanted her to buy something. And she deserves it. And the process of having to buy this thing was insane. They basically asked my phone number and my email address and where I lived. Yeah. Why that? Sorry, why though?

No idea. Okay, fine. To buy the thing. So I'm like, all right, yeah, well, here's these things. And they said, oh, we can't find you on our system. I said, well, I exist. I'm here. And she was like, well, yeah.

You didn't say that out loud, did you? Yeah. You didn't say, I exist, I'm here. Well, of course I did. So immediately they think there's a stoner in the store. Okay, go on, carry on. And then she turns around and says to me, well, I can't sell you this unless you...

Why can't they sell you it? Unless you come up on our system. Right. Can you give me another phone number? I said, this is my fucking, I don't have, this is my number. I exist on here. Yeah, I am, literally I'm standing here in front of you.

Pinch me, I'm here, I'm not a ghost. This isn't fucking Christmas Carol. You're not that important. And this went on for ages, right? And she's going through different, and I said, look, you know what? Don't worry about it. Like, joke's on me.

I should never want anything nice in my life. I'm just going to leave. You didn't say that, did you? No, I didn't say it in those words. What a horrible thing for somebody just working at a shop to hear. I don't deserve to exist. I turned around and said, whatever. And I said, look, you know, I've got to go.

I've got a podcast to record. So I go to leave and then she said do you not want now I thought I'd given it away do you know what Jay Ticking you can keep that

you can keep that okay fine so then she says you don't want this anymore and I was like no no I still want it and she was like

and I think oh there's a chink of light here maybe that she's she's saying ok and I said no no I still very much want the thing

and she's like but you don't appear on it by the way just so you know you're telling the story very differently to how you told it before yeah because I'm on a podcast

yeah you're being less aggressive like when you told the story before you were very much more front foot, when you told the story before, you were very much more front-footed when you told the story before. Yeah, but the thing about it, right, Rob? Yeah. It's when I was telling you it, I had a lot, like, now I'm enjoying the drinks.

You've had a bit of time to reflect. Yeah, yeah. We've had a few beers, we've had a chat. Also, you've literally, like, invited me into your espresso martini world. Like, literally, you're like James Bond leaning on the bar. I expected to

turn up and you were drinking a pint. I was drinking a pint. And an espresso martini at the same

time. You're like Augustus Glooper. That's the perfect double. Literally you come in and

it's a drunk episode. By the way for complete transparency JT's drinking a Guinness. Yeah.

Just a pint of espresso martini. That would be a beautiful thing Jt so in the end like she was like constantly saying do you want do you want this do you want it and yeah like and i was like yeah and then i had to walk out i was and i've left it now and now i still don't sorry jt do you understand this story fully no really no why really no but i don't understand why you walk into a shop you want to buy a thing

why can't you rum rum rum rum rum rum I'm not sitting here going oh I completely understand this it's fair enough or whatever

look I can't faff them right what I've said by the way it's nearly Christmas let's get this out the way you say that word wrong

every fucking time which what faff them oh for fuck's sake what is that fucking word it's faff them Let's get this out of the way. You say that word wrong every fucking time. Which one? What? Fathom. Oh, for fuck's sake. What is that fucking word? It's fathom. Okay? Fathom.

You know what? You do all this calling out every time I'm saying it. Like, that's my accent. No, but I... It's not an accent. It's an accent. It's not an accent. Fathom.

You're saying it wrong. Well, you know what? Fathom. This is the thing, right? Fathom. I know it offends you to have a brown man tell you how to speak your own language.

No, that doesn't offend me. It's having a fucking neek. A fucking nerd who's literally having a fucking conversation. You know what you're

the... I've let it go for 200 episodes. No, no, no. I have. I have. What you are, right, is a sort of person

you invite people around to have a fucking house party at your house and you spend the whole time walking around with a fucking ashtray and fucking people getting people's cans

before they've even finished with that no fucking half a can left there you prick that's who you are you're like constantly picking up on things like oh

you know that chicken I'm going to take that and put that in the bin we're still eating them mate so you're saying I'm the waiter I'm not saying you're a waiter. No, no, no.

That's what you said. I'm saying, JT, I'm saying you're pedantic. Don't bring JT into this. I'm saying you're pedantic. Okay. No, I'm not pedantic.

I'm just saying fathom. What I said is I think in episode fucking seven you're pastickety. It turns out you were right on that one. Yeah, exactly. Pastickety is the word.

Exactly. But fathom. Right. Anyway, why can't you fathom? Why can't you Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But fathom. Right. And I said this very early on. Why can't you fathom? Why can't you fathom? I can't fathom. Do you know what I'm going to do?

Because it's Christmas and I love you and you're one of my favourite people in the entire world. I'll tell you what, mate. You're saying you love me, right? That's your shame. It's shame. I'm not right. Like, when you pick me up on stuff,

I go, oh, that's a wealth of knowledge i didn't know about right i look at your little pickups as you literally like that's the moments i tripped on the sand and you put me on your shoulders and you carried me through yeah we've all seen the athena poster mate right no i'm gonna say fathom from now on all right well i say it i'm gonna that's what i'm saying what i'm saying to you did you know what now on, all right? Well, say it. I'm going to. That's what I'm saying. What I'm saying to you, did you know what I meant? Yes. Then the point of language, right, is that I think...

Yeah, but if I started going, I went into Selfridges. No, I wouldn't go. You know what I mean. What does he mean by that? Yeah, of course. So you'd accept that? Yeah. You wouldn't pick me up on it?

Yeah, of course I would. Because I'd go... It's going to be funny when he tells someone like himself. Ask Rom about Selfridges. Selfridges. Ask him. So I went into Selfridges. Selfridges. Ask him. Shall we eat at Selfridges? Yeah, all right.

Oh, disco. What my point was, I can't even remember my point because I'm quite drunk. No, no, no. Go on, go on. My thing was, I can't fathom. Yeah. Fathom. Neither can I fathom.

Go on. I don't understand why you need all of this protocol now just to buy things. But the thing is, Tom, you haven't got to the bottom of it. Can I just say something? The problem with this story is you haven't told me why they're insisting on getting... Because to buy something, they needed to... No, no, no. I didn't have an account with them.

Right. Right? No, but you don't have to have an account with Selfridges every time you buy something. I'm going to take you to this place within Selfridges after this right and what I'll do is I'll go right when you go in there to buy anything

you have to be a member yeah you have to be you have to be an account you have to you have to account with them so they have like and she said

I can set you up a new account I said well I'm a bit of a hurry let me just buy this thing right and she said no I need to set you up

it will take 5-10 minutes that means 10 minutes right 15 maybe yeah so you weren't willing to do that no because i was in a rush i had to go to a lunch you left without the bug and after this item i'm after this i'm going to go to another place and try and get it and if then i've got a bit more luxury i've got the sands of time on my on my my feet oh my god it's like i find this whole thing like christmas shopping whole thing christmas no i don't actually i can i just say something quite radical i think it might we might be

approaching a time when it's time to abandon Christmas presents. Wow. Do you know what I did today? No follow-up questions? You're just going to go back into an anecdote of your own? No, why do you think you're talking about? I've actually put forward quite a

radical hypothesis, and you've got zero fucking interest in it. No, no, no, you just go, oh, no, you've got zero fucking interest in it. No, no, no. You just go, oh, no, no. I've got to tell. No, but sometimes you're a bit like Boris Johnson. You say things really radical. Like, really, really...

Don't like Muslims. No, but you say things really like... Pretend it wasn't a party. No, no, but you're like Donald Trump. You've got a big headline. And then I go, oh, why don't you do a Christmas present? Yeah, because it's shit. There's no real fucking

meaning to it as you sink your pint and your espresso martini at the same time. We should have filmed this one, really. No,

go on, go on, go on, go on. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I think it's...

No, no, no, okay, let me just... JT Lent Overture, actually, JT should be like the...

He should be the barometer, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so JT... By the way, let's just acknowledge something, right? So, JT arrived today for the barometer. He should be the barometer, yeah. Yeah, so JT. By the way, let's just acknowledge something, right?

So JT arrived today for the record looking drippy as fuck. He looked drippy. Also, JT now, I think, feels a little bit like a child who is worried that his parents might be getting divorced. Yeah, but listen, we do alternate weekends. Don't worry about it. God, that would be awful, wouldn't it? I set up a podcast with someone else,

you set up a podcast with someone else, you set up a podcast with someone else, and he's got a fucking recorder. Welcome to the owl podcast. It's just me monologuing. Hello, this is me, Tom Davis. I'm joined this week by another animal guest. This week it is. So go on, what do you think?

Okay, so this is my theory on it. First of all, we're in a cost-of-living crisis. Yeah. Okay? People haven't got money to spare. a cost-of-living crisis. Yeah. Okay? People haven't got money to spare. Yeah. So that's the first thing. Yeah.

The next thing is most, I would argue, most Christmas presents you receive, you don't want or need. Right? And actually what you're doing is you're accepting them to be polite. Right? So most of it is tat. And I'm basing that on the on how i buy christmas presents for people i like do a a rush around on the 23rd or 22nd of december just go and fucking that'll do that'll do that'll do and so most presents are shit right they environmentally we shouldn't be

like we shouldn't be just buying loads of shit for people so i just sort of think like birthdays you get presents. People really think about you individually. Yeah. Christmas, you've got to buy presents for everyone you fucking know or whatever. Yeah, but it's young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

I just sort of think maybe we didn't knock that on the head. What is Christmas about, guys? Christmas is about spending time with the people you love. Yeah, yeah. And having a nice time. And never have I left a Christmas thinking, that present was amazing. I've always left a Christmas thinking, I had a fucking great night with blah, blah, blah.

Do you know what I mean? But also, there's something quite, I think, when you get tat and you get shit. Yeah. And you get stuff that, for me, right, when you get those things, although it doesn't, like like feel like it sometimes i think like people have thought about you enough to buy you something on this on the no but they haven't thought about you enough to know that they're on the list of 20 people

that they've got because number one i'm going to say me and you both sit in a fucking place with that like hardest fucking place to buy men of our age yes that is true it's ridiculous to try and buy the swan is constantly telling me I'm almost impossible to buy yeah Catherine says

it's insane to buy it right yeah so when you like there's presents I've had at Christmas right some of the best presents I've had because they

they are just fucking silly or they are stupid and there are things that I probably wouldn't have brought but you know the world isn't going to be like environmentally

and whatever that's fucking no but it's a fucking worry but it's not going to be fucking saved by the fact that someone's brought me a fucking basketball it would help though

it would help if everybody stopped buying tat for people the impact would be massive I'm telling you that now yeah but there's that's undeniable but what I'm saying right

that you have like the cost of living crisis is a massive massive part of it yeah so where you can get happiness where you can get happiness is the biggest part right yeah but you don't get happiness

from buying a fucking bin top basketball ring that doesn't bring you happiness but me and you are nearly the same age right don't fucking do this on Christmas don't do this on Christmas no but what I'm saying right

is Christmas presents have gone dizzy since we were kids when we were kids it wasn't as big presents weren't sorry

what are you saying Christmas has grown out of control sorry you think Christmas has only recently got commercial it's got more

and more commercial as we've got older yeah no you're right Christmas has only got really big in the last few years go on Karen it's got more commercial let's've got older. Yeah, no, you're right. Christmas has only got really big in the last few years. Go on, go on, carry on. No, it's got more commercial.

Let's accept that hop off of it. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Dr. Words has fucking stumbled. Dr. Words. Dr. Words. You're like Ronaldo. You're like Ronaldo in the fucking last minutes of that fucking game.

Hedder comes to him and he misses it. Dr. Fucking Words. Hypothesis. hypothesis yeah go on the truth is are you saying that you don't think it's grown into an absolute juggernaut

of a thing no but it's always been a juggernaut I don't think it was maybe like I don't remember it being as many presents I don't like

now we had to have a sit down and chat about who we're buying presents for and who we're not yeah like it goes

it's gone more crazy now and also I might say the thing that fucks me off do you know actually I'll tell you the thing that really fucking grinds my gears at the moment

and it's absolutely wanting me to fucking go create the Nintendo advert have you seen that yeah I have seen it fuck Nintendo what

fuck Nintendo sorry what an incredible thing to say no I'm going to put Nintendo into the same bracket as fucking M&M's and all those other pricks Nintendo. What? Fuck Nintendo. Sorry, what an incredible thing to say. No, like, and I'm going to put Nintendo into the same bracket

as fucking M&M's and all those other pricks. The fucking audacity of that perfect life that they've got, this house in the Cotswolds that they go to, this fucking family walk

that they go, all this perfect fucking Christmas. That isn't Christmas. It's like, the moment they turn up and go, oh, it's a little bit cold

and at the end of it going, oh, actually, it's just a perfect Christmas. It's like, the moment they turn up and go, oh, it's a little bit cold, and at the end of it, going, oh, actually, this was the perfect Christmas. Go fuck yourself, Nintendo. That isn't how fucking people exist. Why are you targeting Nintendo for this? Because the advert is disgusting. I'm not having it.

No, but they're not saying their life is perfect. They're saying that moment... That moment doesn't exist. To tell you what, if they wanted to make a real fucking advert, right, that represented Nintendo,

Nintendo Switch, and a Wii and everything, it fucking advert, right, representing Nintendo and Nintendo Switch and the Wii and everything, it's this, right? Fucking turkey's fucked, right? The potatoes are shit. Someone's late turning up, so we're going to have to eat a little bit later, so all the fucking veg is cold, right? But you know the only fucking respite we've all had is some of the people on the Switch or on the Wii, and they're not even fucking worrying about what the food is.

That's a fucking, not every, oh God, we're all turning up here, we're having a great time. Do you remember when I was in the, and they're all walking around

and everyone's fucking happier than Larry. Yeah, but what do you want, Tom, what do you want them to do? I want reality, mate. I want reality.

I want a little fucking pinch on the fucking arm. You want an advert where like the, I tell you what, because most people watch that. Someone's mom says

something inappropriate. No, because most people sit and watch that and go, oh, our Christmases aren't like that. Yeah, but it's an aspirational thing.

That's advertising, bro. Yeah, but we shouldn't... That's where it's all wrong. I go back to fucking Clooney and the espresso machine and all this other bullshit we've had to go through. Oh, my God, what a callback. You'd have to be a hardcore listener to fucking understand that callback.

What I'm saying to you, mate, is none of it's fucking relevant. I want to see someone who literally is fucking trying to fucking stick the turkey in a bath at fucking four o'clock in the afternoon trying to

thaw the prick out. Yeah. Well, I mean, turkey's morally reprehensible, but, you know,

I understand what you're saying. Listen, I'm telling you now. Look at this fucking guy. I've got to take a photo of this.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. I've got to take a photo of this. This on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. I've got to take a photo of this. This is fucking mental. You being a man of the people, as you do this,

that's going straight up on Instagram right now, mate. These Christmas adverts, they're my Sweden. I'm having John Lewis. I think John Lewis is... Hold on, what's the John Lewis advert this year? Can somebody tell me? I'll tell you,

you know the one that made me cry? McDonald's. The McDonald's advert. Have you this year? Can somebody tell me? I'll tell you. You know the one that made me cry? McDonald's. The McDonald's advert. Have you seen it? Yeah, why? Because it's a little boy. He writes a really, really long list. And they haven't got enough money to buy him all the stuff on the list.

And the list explodes away in a really bad wind. But then they go for McDonald's and have an amazing time. And, yeah, even now I'm fucking touched by it. And then they walk down the street and actually one of the things that he's written to Santa Claus is to have McDonald's with his parents. That's a beautiful thing. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's not.

What is the John Lewis Christmas album? Is it the skateboarding one? I don't know if I've seen it. Should we watch it together now? I don't know, there'll be some wistful... Should we watch it now? Yeah. I don't have a box on.

Yeah, so... What's great is we've got JT here, so we can cut this down. Fucking set this up. What we do know is all JT's contributions will be included, because he's in charge of the edit. Or all gone. Yeah, that's true.

Obsessed. One of the two. Here we go. John Lewis Christmas Everett 2022. Oh, this is kind of cool, because it's like one of those... Oh, God, I keep knocking the mic behind me. Oh, maybe it is this one, Ron. Yeah, this is kind of cool because it's like one of those. Oh, God, I keep knocking the mic behind me. Oh, maybe it is this one, Ron.

Yeah, this is the one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we can't wait. We got a piece. We're really excited. Yeah, yeah, this is good. Merry Christmas. What's the rules about including this, JT, on the podcast?

Let's see if we get sued. They want it, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want it publicised, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to do a bit of commentary, Tom? I actually feel quite touched by this. I don't know what's going on.

It's a 43-year-old man learning to skateboard. Yeah. It actually reminds me a bit of you in some ways. Except you think I'm 51. Look, the way he is with life is a bit like you. What's that, doing a podcast with someone he sort of resents? No, no. But it's a bit like you with your rapping or your hip-hop dancing and shit.

It's like... Hip-hop dancing! So they've welcomed a... Do you want to do a bit of fucking commentary, mate? The advert is visual and you're not doing any chatting about it. I found that deeply moving so can you just describe

what you saw so basically right there's a guy who's learning to skateboard because he is adopting

someone from no but you don't know that at the time you just see a guy you know what at the time

I'm seeing like someone who's a bit like you who's trying to be hip and cool he's trying to sort of like get down

and like do you know what do you know what I find incredible is a man talking to me in a fucking double breasted coat and a pork pie hat

telling me that I'm trying to be cool see that I can literally literally come back at the same retort it's like a fucking tennis match

you're fucking sitting there in a fucking Barassi jacket with fucking more logo do you like it Barassi jacket

you alright you're like a fucking scout who couldn't fucking decide which badge he wanted look at Rony who's got too dizzy yeah shout out Jaguars skills for giving me this jacket by the way decide which badge he wanted. Because Roni's got too dizzy. Yeah, shout out Jaguars girls for giving me this jacket,

by the way. Tom Davis doesn't like it. I love it. I think it's really cool. It's really cool. What are you doing? What are you fucking doing right now? Oh, God.

I'm trying, Catherine's trying to get a fucking refund for my flights. She's doing it at the moment, which is insane. To do it halfway through a fucking podcast

she knows what I'm doing as well but what I saw was I think it was actually a pretty beautiful advert if I'm honest with you John Lewis I think that's

you know it's a really beautiful thing did you feel emotional when you watched it I didn't feel well I slightly resent you enjoying that

espresso Martin yeah it was good I slightly resent... Can you join that espresso, Martin? Yeah, it's good. I slightly resent being emotionally manipulated by adverts. This is a problem, right? Let's talk about the John Lewis adverts. Which ones can we remember without Googling? Oh, mate, the bear and the rabbit.

Yes. That's the best one, right? Yeah. Rival podcast. Yeah. JT has got the fucking... Oh, my God. On fire So basically

What's the story The bear always hibernates Throughout Christmas Yeah The rabbit gets the bear An alarm clock Yeah It's a beautiful thing

I think And the song is helpful Isn't it Yeah It's all about You stick a bit of Chris Martin It's the Lily Allen Claxon's cover right

What's the tune Chris Martin's reaching a bit. Have you said it? Why don't we go somewhere only we know? Have you heard Chris Martin's new Christmas song?

No, but I imagine it's edgy. It's just, I don't know what Chris Martin's doing with his life. What the fuck? You're talking about

multi-millionaire Chris Martin? Yeah, but you know when you listen to something, you know actually I'll tell you something. What the fuck is that guy's got more money

than I could deal with in a lifetime what's he up to there's I can't think of anything worse than having to go for a drink with Chris Martin oh my god

you can't think of anything worse I find it so what's your problem with Chris Martin Yellow's good Yellow's an amazing song yeah he had a couple of good songs

but now hold on before we carry on what are the good Coldplay songs Yellow that's the only one I can think of didn't he no no

Fix You is that good Fix You's a good song yeah yeah apart from that and also sometimes I want to just knock on his door

and go Chris go back a couple of years listen to Fix You mate because that's what you need right now yeah because that one and I'll tell you the other person

I'm not having Michael Bublé oh my god why not because he gets slow genuinely michael buble right remember when you were a kid and you had a running race and one kid would set up really really quickly and then just slow down everyone overtake him that's what listen to any michael blue blue buble song right this is me being drunk now any michael song is he being drunk now yeah Michael Bublé songs right towards the end the slowness he sings them

yeah what's the problem with that because it's ridiculous look I get dramatic singing right I'm not the musical fucking mecca

that you are right the fucking you know your music like you've got you know all your music array why have you got to do

a Muslim thing oh jeez can I say by the way Like, you've got, you know, all your music array. Why have you got to do a Muslim thing? Oh, jeez. Can I say, by the way, while we're talking about this, can I just say something that happened to me today? Go on. So we've got somebody working on our house. Was it, what, it was Mr. Michael Bublé?

No, it wasn't Mr. Michael Bublé. So he doesn't know me at all. Right. Does he know who you are? Yeah, I don't know. Actually, the truth is he doesn't know me at all. Right. Does he know who you are? Yeah, I don't know. Actually, the truth is I don't know. All right. Okay.

So the swan was like chatting to them about what work we wanted done, right? I come back from being out. Yeah. I put up. Last night, partying. No, no, no. I'm talking about like being out. I just went to the shop. All right.

I come back. I get out of the car. I'm not going to name them because I think this story might be incriminating. He says to me, how's it going? I go, yeah, all right, good, good, good, good. And then he says, we're coming back to do the work in January. I said, cool.

He says, it's going to be freezing. I said, yeah. I said, I'll try and do it. And I just did shit banter. You know when we do shit banter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, I'll try and do something about the did shit you know when we do shit banter I go I'll try and do something

about the temperature help you out and he goes yeah yeah yeah do me a favour pray to Allah oh

now oh wow that's not at all what I thought he was going to say now what's happened is he's seen a brown guy for the first time

with a beard oh number one I said Mecca and you fucking brought this story up I'm sorry but this happened to me no but I'm sorry

it happened to me today it happened to me today bro you've been waiting for a segway no no no this story wasn't even in my fucking roller dicks

yeah it should have fucking been in your roller dicks this guy's an absolute piece of fucking shit there's no defending that that's completely that's a mad thing to say isn't it no no no it's abhorrent I'm being That's completely... That's a mad thing to say, isn't it?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a boring... I'm being hypersensitive, but it was a mad thing to say. Yeah, yeah, I'm being hypersensitive. That's literally the fucking worst thing I've ever... Like, I can't even... Fathom?

Fathom, yeah. You can't fathom it. I can't fathom how that comes... Like, did he laugh when he said it? Mm. Wow. I don't think he was actually asking me he said it wow I don't think he was actually

asking me to no I don't think he was doing banter he wasn't doing banter he was being racist no but do you know the worst thing no no no

but the worst thing about that banter was I think he was like thinking that he was connecting no no no no you don't think so I've worked with

fucking pieces of shit like this like he's a fucking arsehole the guy's gonna work on my house in the near end bro oh Go on. Like, he's a fucking arsehole. The guy's going to work on my house in the new year, bro.

Oh, yeah, so sorry, I'll give him a fucking, literally, how can you defend that? That's fucking disgusting. I can defend it

if he's still got work to do. It's like, it's like, it's like, you know, if a waiter fucking is rude to me, I'm going to talk about it

until the end of the meal. Yeah, but like, what's a waiter got to say to you the meal yeah but like what's the way I've got to say to you like literally that's the worst thing I've heard

I don't want to wank in my jail phrasey yeah well that's one thing right this guy's an absolute piece of shit he is though I think he's a

despicable human being no but hold on is there an argument that was accidental he like whoa whoa no no no I'm hypothesising now

I'm hypothesising okay. I'm hypothesizing. Okay, right, yeah. You hypothesize and I'll tell you what it's about. I know initially you can't fathom that somebody would say that and feel acceptable about it. But what I'm saying is maybe he thought that's what that guy's religion is. So maybe like this is...

Yeah, yeah, let's defend him for that. That's probably what he thought. What he fucking did, mate, is he literally, you came in and you were polite and you went, oh yeah, let's play for some sun. And he was like,

well, why don't you... Why can't you, even when I'm talking about a potentially racist incident, why can't you, why can you not avoid doing the voice? No, because I want people to know

that I'm doing you as you. Yeah, yeah. And let's hope for some good weather. And then he turned around and he got white. What he said, I can't even repeat it because I think it's that disgusting, right? He's then probably got back in the van or his car, wherever, with his co-workers. And he's fucking cracked that joke.

I'm telling you now, I've worked with dickheads like this. Yeah. I would even question his fucking laboring and his working skills as well. What? Off the back of that? He's an absolute piece of shit human being. So, okay, here's a question for you. Am I,

should I now ask for that guy to not do the work of my house? Is he the manager? He's in charge. He's the head honcho. Whoa,

fucking hell. What, is it a big job? Yeah. Quite big, yeah. Is it the swimming pool or is it the fucking annex? Why,

why did you do this? Why did you do why is it the pool house why'd you do this why'd you do this no no why'd you do this because I love you no why'd you do this why'd you do this like

to try and imply that I'm fucking lost touch and you're just talking about buying some fucking selfridges no no no no no no

I buy things you're buying you've got like look what I'm saying to you how big's the job two weeks three weeks it's uh yeah about two No, no, no, no, no, no. I buy **** things. You're buying... You've got, like, look. Look, what I'm saying to you, how big's the job? Two weeks, three weeks?

It's, er... Yeah, about two... Three weeks, I would say. I'd get rid of getting another common tractor in, because I reckon, as well, if he's that sort of piece of shit guy, there's a good chance he's not going to... He's not going to do the job to his best of his abilities. You reckon?

I think he's a piece of shit, bro. Okay, fine. Well, Merry Christmas, mate. You're off the think he's a piece of shit, bro. Okay, fine. Well, Merry Christmas, mate. You're off the job. No, don't tell him after Christmas. You know what the biggest

joke of all will be? He is really, like, is it exuberant? I don't know. It depends what context you're using. Like, he is exuberant,

very fucking big. Why do you keep looking at JT? Because he's actually really helpful because you'll nod at stuff I'm saying. He has, like you keep looking at JT because he's actually really helpful. She'll know that stuff I'm saying

He has a very fucking big Fucking swaggy Christmas and then you turn around and say listen you racist pet prick I did not appreciate what you fucking said to me. Okay. I'm not actually that fucking guy go fuck yourself. You're the job All right, should we do emails? Yeah, hopefully a bit more sunnier than the last story you told All right, should we do emails? Yeah, hopefully they're a bit more sunnier than the last story you told. Okay, so we're going to do emails. Thank you.

I was about to say thank you to the swan, but I forgot to ask her to select the email. So I'm literally... The swan is, at the moment, literally having a laugh of her fucking life with this fucking big old racist that she's got to do now. She's been texting me quite a lot,

actually, as we were doing the podcast. Okay, so... I'm just going to get that pint what there's a pint over here do you want half of it no I do not

I'm absolutely fucking wankered okay high wall for now this has been the awkward pigeon I can barely fucking read this

maybe JT might have to take over reading do you want to read this, JT? You're good. Just keep it slow. Yeah. No, so there we go.

Finally, we've got... I do read too fast, right? Okay, fine. I think you get bored, don't you? Okay, I'm going to read it slowly. Hi, Will, for now. Big fan of the podcast. It's kept me entertained through many a long journey

by bus, train, for now. Big fan of the podcast. It's kept me entertained through many a long journey by bus, train, and foot. Wow. By the way, I have said that we haven't selected these. I'm just randomly choosing. Yeah, you're just randomly picking out emails. I would appreciate some advice. I'm getting married in the summer of 2023. Whoa, shout out.

And couldn't be happier to marry my soulmate. The anxiety I have about the wedding is around my mum. She has a drinking problem. Oh, God, this is so... This is probably the most misplaced fucking... You've got to read. What a drunk episode.

Two blokes absolutely leathered. She has a drinking problem which which she hasn't addressed, and can be really mean and destructive drunk. Weddings are typically a boozy occasion, so I can't... The worst part of this is you're absolutely battered while you're reading this. You're so drunk. Okay. you're so drunk okay weddings

are typically boozy occasions and I can't trust her to not spoil the happiest day of my life I'd rather not invite her

but the family have pressured me to invite her and hope for the best she doesn't acknowledge that she has a problem

in this flipper situation to frame that the problem is us for being anxious about her behaviour, how would you advise that I address the situation? Tom Number one I think if you love that you look, it's your mum

she has to be at your wedding and I think it would be a difficult situation if you weren't to have her there, I think she clearly wants to be there. And I think it's a matter of trying to sort of keep a cap on how she behaves and checking in with her. Usually sort of people drinking and getting sort of destructively drunk

is a matter of them feeling uncomfortable within the situation and you pressing a a you know people put them on the microscope of making them feel quite anxious about the situation i think the less you bring to you know pointing the finger at her getting drunk or you know so yeah the less you do that the better i think um sorry sorry sorry jc i just kicked a couple of pint glasses I was just booting over a couple of pint glasses as we give this advice I think the less

that you make an issue of it the better I think you have to have her there I think it'll be absolutely if she's on a she's quite fragile

and she's drinking a lot I think the worst thing that you could possibly do is make her feel like she's ostracised from the situation and

from her daughter's wedding. So I think, yeah, put an alarm around her. I think make her look forward to the day. Make her feel a part of everything. And I think that hopefully, like alcoholism and, you know, it's a very weird conversation to have sitting here having drinks, you know, as people who are just leisurely drinking and having a cup of drinks. But alcoholism as a whole is a really fucking hard thing,

and there's no help you can give anyone until they want to help themselves. So the best way of dealing with it is empathy, a little bit of sweetness, a little arm around her, and make sure she has an amazing day as she can without infringing on the most beautiful day of your life. Go forward, my sweet, sweet soul. Yo. Okay.

I actually agree a lot with Tom's advice. My situation is when I got married, my dad, God rest his soul, was like, I would say, a borderline alcoholic. He was like full on. And when I got married, my dad, God rest his soul, was, like, I would say, a bored-on alcoholic. He was, like, full-on. And when I got married, that was a concern. I'm not going to lie. But I think Tom's absolutely right.

You've got to try and accommodate that if you can. It's like, you know, we all have our own issues and we all have our own things that we... that we struggle with dealing with. And I... One of the things that we that we struggle with dealing with and i uh one of the things that i've struggled i don't want to get too sort of dark with this but like one of the things that i've struggled with is that i am like my dad is that you know i become drunk i know we're recording a drunk podcast as i say this but like i become drunk and start to believe i'm much more entertaining

than i actually am and that's my that was my dad's thing. My dad would like fucking get drunk and like hold court. And that was a problem. You know, that was a genuine concern. But like, the truth is, is that you're getting married. And you want people that you love to be part of that. And the truth is, is a lot of people get carried away with thinking that the marriage is about them. But like, you know, if it was up to me and the swan we would have got married privately but the truth is is that you want to you want to encourage people that care about you to be able to celebrate that and so your mum is part of that and so what you've got to do is you what you you don't have to do this obviously i'm just giving advice but like what i think you have to do is find a way that you can accommodate her and make that part of the

thing and you know you want your mum to be there do you mean and and and also on top of that it's possible i'm not going to lie to you it's possible your mum's going to get fucking hammered and out of control because she's going to be emotional emotional plus drinking equals potential tragedy that's a that's a genuine truth and what you've got to do is you've got to talk to your mum and go look i really want you to be there i love you so much but we've got to have a contingency plan in case you get too hammered and that is a you know are you willing to like fucking it's even as simple as like we'll book your hotel room and you're willing to go to bed if it gets too out of control whatever whatever it is i think it's worth having the chat with her I mean all of these things so many problems

are easily solved by just communicating communicating it's like you saying blood brothers communicating I was going to

generally yeah like looking at you yeah what it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen

what do you mean because it's from the heart it is from the heart no no you're incredible it's genuine are you winding me up no I heart. No, no, you're incredible. It's genuine. Are you winding me up? No, I swear on my life. If I was winding you up,

I'd have done the voice. It's a beautiful thing. You are speaking from the heart, man. Yeah, I am speaking from the heart. It's a beautiful thing. You know what I've realised now? Yeah, go on. Is this is genuinely,

we are two drunk middle-aged men who could essentially be sitting on, like, at a table with the last two people at a fucking... Yeah, all you need is us to be at a park with a chessboard in between us but it's a beautiful bit of advice man but i i genuinely think like you know you talk you communicate you talk to your mom and you say this

is a situation and you work it out together and i genuinely think that like in every situation in my life where i've had a difficult thing it turns out you grab it and you just fucking talk about it. Do you know what I mean? And it feels horrible and you get nervous as you're about to talk about it. But you do it. You do not want your mum at your wedding. Do you know what I mean? So how do you facilitate that happening?

And you talk to your mum and you work out how that's going to happen. And also, what I discovered about my dad, I love my dad to bits. You know, he was a fucking nightmare. Do you know what I mean about my dad I love my dad to bits you know he was a fucking nightmare do you know what I mean in terms of drinking you go dad I'm going to get married I remember saying to him dad I'm going to get married there's going to be booze there what the fuck are we going to do and you know

it turns out that you know these people love you do you know what I mean and they want it to be good for you they're not deliberately trying to fuck your day up do you know what I mean and they want it to be good for you they're not deliberately trying to fuck your day up do you know what I mean so I think it's just a matter of conversation and listen

congratulations on getting married I genuinely think you have to have feels like a wedding we could go to this one saying if there's one wedding that I've really felt like

it kind of needs if there's one wedding every single time we get an email about a wedding you say that we're going to attend I've not felt as compelled to go to a wedding do you know know what actually do you know i'm drunk so i'm going to say send me the day send us a day that will come come we're drunk we'll come i'm getting married in the summer of 2023 cool what will be there yeah we're going to come if you want us to

be yeah how indignant would it be if she she didn't want it or he do you know what i if they said i don't want to know i'd actually respect that no but if they didn't want it or he didn't want it. Do you know what, if they said I didn't want you to come I'd actually respect that. No but if they wouldn't have Some fucking cheap carnival turns up.

So it'll be a ticket for three because obviously JT would be a miss not to. JT are you going to come? Oh yeah.

Yeah there you go. Well someone needs to drive I guess. Okay this, the Wolf and Owl email is

getting absolutely fucking spammed man. I need another piss man. I need a piss as well. Okay, what do you... Piss break.

Let's do a piss break. Yeah, let's do a piss break. Oh, man. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try.

Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future.

I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the big top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at CirqueDuSoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and MasterCard.

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to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit tresemme.com to learn more. Right, we're back from the piss break. Yeah, we had a piss break. I actually feel more drunk from the piss. You are quite a loud pisser. Yeah, yeah, but also quite, um,

I feel more drunk coming back from the piss. I'm fucking, I'm absolutely blitting. I feel really drunk now. I'm in a bad way, man. And I've actually organised stuff to do after this. This is like a Christmas movie all on its own.

Ooh. Like you sprinting around Covent Garden absolutely lit. I tell you what, that's a show I'd watch. Yeah. Tripping over your shoelaces.

Yeah. What are you laughing at? You're laughing at your own joke? It's really unattractive, you know that? Like dropping a little line and then laughing at? You're laughing at your own joke? It's really unattractive, you know that. Like dropping a little line and then laughing at yourself. You sprint it really, really quickly, really running. And that made you laugh. You trip over your shoelaces.

Oh, for fuck's sake! And then you get to, like, I don't know, like, fucking Balamine or wherever you're buying some presents from. Where? Balamine? What did you just say? Is it Balamine? wherever you're buying some presents from. Where? Balamine? What did you just say? Balamine? What's the designer called?

Balenciaga. Balenciaga? Balenciaga? Oh, there's no Q in here for some reason. You know what I mean, though. Okay, fine. What I love is there's a mean, though. Okay, fine. What I love is there's a synergy between us. Right, okay.

Next one. All right. This is quite a long one, so let me just see if I can edit as I go. Are you going to sleep? No, I'm just going to listen. To the sweet, sweet wolf, owl, cat and swan Ranga Davises. Please can you help me, boys?

After listening to your pod for some time now, it's become very evident that I mirror you guys in so many ways your thought processes taste in music clothing and your life experiences are sometimes uncanny

when you talk about I'm so by the way just as he said that it reminded me that you've got to you've got to do a fucking

I'll do soccer anyway no not that you've got to do a little fucking closer for this oh fuck oh man I did suck right into one. No, not that. You've got to do a little fucking closer for this. Oh, fuck. Oh, man. Your thought process is tasting music,

living in a life experience that's sometimes uncanny. When you talk about things you've done or experienced in your past, you could genuinely be talking about me, and your advice is always on point, which probably would message you for some genuine advice as you are the perfect joy to help me out. Is that too fast, JT? You can slow it down if you want.

I'm slightly older than yourselves. I turned 50 in May. However, you both admitted very openly how you've struggled with your weight over the years

but have quite clearly over the last year or so got off your arses and done something about it. And may I say a massive well done to both you and both you.

Both look... Oh, fuck. Christ, you're actually fucking ripping this to shreds, aren't you? Both. Both. You're a fucking kid this to shreds, aren't you? Both.

Both. You're a fucking kid trying to fucking do Mozart on a fucking piano. Trying to fucking look at her going, oh, I don't know what this is. It could be like really fucking. It could be really deep,

mate. You're tearing up like a fucking dog eating a fucking hymn sheet. Please can you give me some advice on what i could do to get shed so much want much so much on what please please can you give me some advice on what i could do to shed some up some some much unwanted some much unwanted timber because as I said, I'm now 50, six foot one,

just over 20 stone, obese and really not happy with how I look right now. I'll lose my stomach but more importantly, I want to be in better health. I'm often tired and struggle physically

which is shocking and sometimes embarrassing for a guy my age. I also want to be around as long as possible to see what my beautiful daughter grows up to become and achieve. So, food.

I'm fully aware that my portion control is shocking. Most meals are too big and sometimes the wrong things are very partial like most like most people's a carrot curry or a chili bacon butty etc i reckon eat healthy meals and often do drink i love a beer but i tend to binge drink at weekends i can go all week without a drop of alcohol very easily but come friday or saturday absolutely batter it but the beer is my one and only vice, to be honest. Exercise.

I don't do much other than walk my dog every day, which is about three miles for about an hour, but it's not an intense walk. It's more of a stroll, really. I'm not a lover of the gym, if I'm really truthful, for the grunting pose and expense of what it is. However, I do have an exercise bike clotheshorse, and I've just bought a rowing machine,

which I've set up in my shed, and I truly intend to start using them after Christmas I've also registered for 10,000 steps a day challenge for 31 days in January for the RBLJ and to hopefully

kickstart a healthy me in the new year and hopefully earn a few quid for the charity along the way feel free to sponsor me haha

sorry for the long email but I was hoping for your inspirational words from you guys it's clearly working for you both and hopefully it will kick my bum

to crack on might also inspire others into your pod who are in the same boat as me please be as brutal as you can any advice welcome thank you guys please be please keep being you okay my guy my g my friend listen man um number one um there's so much to unpack here and to go through right firstly uh when you talk about like january and starting stuff then and there's a real thing that i've learned i learned when i first started doing stand-up and i pushed things to go where i am is that it's really easy to go i'm gonna do this in january i'm gonna do this in february or there's a thing in march you need to start doing

things now if you really want to change things it has become something you do right away uh the big point of everything is when you talk about getting on that it's a really weird thing to sit here when me and my wife is drunk but one of the big things I changed for my life and for when Grace was born was that everything else kinds of pales into the background when it comes to having a daughter and having a child and me being a dad and being around. Like, I'll still go out

and have a good time. But binge drinking is a really, really toxic thing to have when you want to work on yourself. It's a really, really difficult thing to go, right, I've got to go down to the pub on a Saturday. That was my life, probably for about 25 years,

was that's how I lived my life. It was always like, right, I need to go here. And actually, as soon as I realised I don't need to do that, my main focus now is being around for Grace to get older. And also it's little steps. It's like the 10,000 step challenge is one of the best things you can do. To get out every day and also it's little steps it's like the 10 000 step challenge is one of the best things you can do to get out every day more 10 000 steps will you'll notice a change you don't have to go to a gym you you don't have to that's an amazing thing if you can but i've never like

frequented the gym in the time of losing weight like losing weight because i was so worried about walking into a gym and people judging me so uh i did a lot of stuff a lot of work on myself so it's finding a way that you can do that indoors uh and that's easy you buy a kettlebell or you know you hit up press up so you you work out ways of you finding a way that you can push yourself right and going And going into filming The Curse, I'd lost weight, then I'd put on weight. I actually, during COVID, got into a shape that I was quite happy with. And then all of a sudden, I went into filming The Curse

and was like, fucking hell, I don't feel like I want to be this person anymore. Like, looking at everything I wore, I had a gut, and it was just, that's not who you wanted to be. And I was like, well, I need be and I was like well I need to make a change and I need to eat better and that's not to say I still I still will have a pizza I still enjoy a takeaway but then I eat really well amongst that but I train if it the the skill to

it is trying to find a way of exercising as much as one can one which is just literally falling over and not so parts of the glass. So it's finding a way that you can manage your situation. But if you truly want to change yourself, and from when we started this podcast, and I don't know if Rom would agree, but me and Rom were really unhappy with ourselves,

the way we looked, and we've both done a lot of work on that. But it's never been a thing that I've turned around to Rom and said, I'm doing it, or he said he's, it's never been a thing that I've turned around to Ron and said I'm doing, or he said he's doing this. I literally was, just doing this podcast

was enough really for me to start, stop whinging about stuff and stop moaning about how I looked and actually taking a little bit of culpability for doing something about it. And I think, like, if you've got a fucking bike

and if you've got a row machine get up every day and Go right. I'm doing ten minutes on the row machine I'm doing ten minutes on the bike now on a walk ten thousand steps and I guarantee in two months You'll notice a change, but there's only you that can do that and there's only that you you that can push that through And you have to take off Billy you. You have to want to change yourself. And it's easy, easy. It's so easy just to fall back into habits. Like tonight, I could easily go and have a KFC,

but I won't. Yeah, he'll have a McDonald's. My Burger King. Well. Yes, listen. The truth is, I have a lot to say about this, but I don't want to get too boring about it. I have lost in the last year about three stone.

Wow. Fucking shout out you, bae. No, but this is the thing, right? I have done the thing that you might have done, which is like gone extreme for a period and then gone, I deserve a treat and then fucked it. And then what I eventually decided was is that i want to be in a position where if my one of my best friends like tom says let's go on a blowout i'm able to do that without feeling like i'm compromising myself and

so what i decided to do was make small changes and here's the thing i've done a lot of research into this personal research cardio if you enjoy cardio it's great right but the truth is most of your calories are burned by just existing right this is what i've just by fucking existing so what you need to do is you find you need to find your basic i'm getting quite deep into this you need to find your basic, I'm getting quite deep into this, you need to find your basic metabolic rate, and that is how many calories you require to just lie in bed all day. So if you do anything over and above that, you are obviously burning more calories, and all you need is a calorie deficit.

That is all you need. It's as simple as that, right? So what that means, if your basal metabolic rate is like, I don't know, 1600 calories, right? And if you eat less than that, even if you just get out of bed, you will lose weight. That's the fact of it, right? That is a basic fact of it. So what I decided was, I wanted to do something that was small changes and if i decided to have a blowout i could and the truth is it's actually quite it's actually more difficult than you think to put on weight so to put on a pound of weight i'm i'm drunk so i might be talking shit to put on a pound of weight you have to eat 3 500 calories over and above what your basic requirement is

right that's quite hard yeah so what you've got to do is, like, what Tom said is, most of your calories are burnt from existing and your NEAT. Your NEAT is non-exercise. I don't know what it stands for, but it's non-exercise-related calorie burn. Weird that someone who's so pedantic wouldn't know what I meant, but... Okay. Say fathom again. So basically, what Tom's saying is, is right. If you can get 10,000 steps

in and you can watch what you're eating, you're basically there. That is a truth of it, right? And so I'm in a situation now where over the last year I've lost about three stone. Whether that's right or not is up to you. I'm going to be honest with you. I've had my own personal burdens with it in terms of like, have i succumbed to peer pressure or the pressure of like do you have to lose weight to feel good about yourself the truth is the easiest route is to feel comfortable with yourself whatever weight you are i haven't achieved that that's a flaw of mine and i decided that i needed to lose weight but what i decided to do was do things that were small that would take longer for me to lose weight but if i was out with a mate and then went,

let's go and have a fucking massive meal, I'd happily do that without, you know, you can go the other way where you go like, I need to be on 1500 calories a day and I don't want to go over that. And I, you know, anything I have over that is a cheat and blah, blah, blah. I don't, I can't do that. I drink and I love food. So I can't, I can't incorporate that into you know that can't

happen so i have to be in a position where i feel like if i decide to fucking have a massive blowout i have a massive blow and i don't feel bad about that so i think anybody that says i'm gonna it's quite a big shout from somebody quite uneducated about this if anybody says lose weight fast fuck those people yeah fuck, fuck them. Fuck them, right? You need to do the thing that you can do that you can carry on forever. That's the truth of it. You need to find something that you can do forever.

And that means thinking about your decisions, thinking about what you eat. If you have a big lunch, you think maybe I'll have a smaller dinner. You know, getting that into your head, getting that to the point where you go, I'm uncomfortable with this. You cannot extreme man extreme is bullshit we need to enjoy our lives do you mean and like just fucking living on like rye vita or whatever because you're trying to fucking

keep your calorie count down to 800 a day that's fuck that man fuck that you need to enjoy your life no amount of being thin is worth not being able to have a few beers with a mate or going out for a big meal so you need to figure that out you're literally by the way i'm going to say this now yeah you've albacino'd the fuck out of me why that was incredible are you joking no i swear that was an albino moment. Fucking namaste, bro. That was fucking insane. No, but I do believe... Fucking truth seeker. Boom. Fucking love you, bro.

No, but I do believe that. I just think this whole thing about suffering in order to be thinner, fuck that, man. Like, you know, find a way that you can incorporate it into your life. And the truth is, cardio, if you go and do like, I don't know, 30 minutes on a stair climber or whatever like that you will lose about

300 to 400 calories right yeah you will undo that with a sandwich do you know what I mean that is the truth of it so what the fuck are you doing

just like fucking find a way to limit that in a way that you can live with your because no you just got to live your life man do you know what I mean and like the truth is I went through a period of like hitting it quite hard in a way that you can live with your, because no, you just got to live your life, man. Do you know what I mean? And like, the truth is,

like I went through a period of like, hitting it quite hard, because going to the gym every, like pretty much five, six days a week, and I started to enjoy it. I have decided, I'm not going to do anything I don't enjoy.

So I enjoy lifting weights, right? Yeah, but this is the thing. I enjoy lifting weights. Yeah, but I love now, like the gym. Yeah, I love boxing. I love MMA. I love fucking lifting weights yeah but i love now like the gym yeah i love mma but that's i love fucking lifting weights for me getting on a treadmill for now that shit i

don't like it so you know what i love is i do love walking yeah walking is fine right you got you go out and you have an hour's walk with somebody you love or on your own or whatever also you put in a podcast on i would recommend the wall for now like no but you i tell you what you you fucking bowl about right and you do chores and bits and like as as an apple watch i'm like i've done nothing today and they're looking i've done like 15 000 steps just doing shit yeah but if you if you can get between eight and ten thousand steps a day you've basically fucking 90 of the way there do you mean and and and consciously eating eating while you're watching the television or whatever fine but like think about what you actually what you're actually eating actually be engaged in what you're doing it will change your

life right this whole thing about like restricting it to the point of no return, it's bullshit. We want to enjoy our lives, do you know what I mean? And you just go through a period of, like, going, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to be conscious. And those things become habits. If you keep something up for three weeks, it becomes a habit. What you're saying is you're only here once, enjoy it. Well, I'm Hindu, so I believe in reincarnation but yes in theoretically yes

so what I'm my personal belief is and this is my own personal belief is that you don't go too extreme I've done that so many times and I've just fucking yo-yoed I've had two weeks

where I've been absolutely fucking like 1100 calories a day hitting the gym really hard and then basically two weeks goes up and I think I need a massive fucking blowout. Yeah, you need a blowout. Whereas if you decide

I'm going to be patient about this and I'm going to take my time with it and it might take longer for the weight to drop off but it's something I can maintain, I promise you that's more rewarding. You look on the internet

how to drop weight fast, how to drop weight quickly, how to burn fat instantly. You're like Wayne Goggins now. I can't help it. I'm like Gary Vee or some shit. But I'm saying to you that all this short-term shit is bullshit.

Tom! If we do one more email, do you want me to finish up? Let's finish up. Do your thing. Okay. Wow, you're putting some pressure on, baby. I love that pressure.

Yeah, I put the pressure on every week and you come out with the same dog shit about being you or thing. Okay, wow, you're putting some pressure on, baby. I love that pressure. Yeah, I put the pressure on every week and you come out with the same dog shit about being you or whatever. Okay, listen, let me break it down. I was nine years old when I heard the rumors that Santa Claus wasn't real. Kicked me in the teeth pretty hard. And then I remember when I was 15, 16,

we went to House Pie. It was a Christmas Eve and no one talked to me. It was absolutely crushing. What it taught me is this. The crushing despair that Christmas can bring is the exuberation that you're hoping too much it's going to be this amazing time of year that everything turns around. It's a lot like the prick that we know as New Year. You put all this precipice on a day to be a thing that becomes the moment. Because we're all brought up in Dawson's Creek and fucking some kind of American shit

that we all had to swallow just to say, oh, yo, everything's going to be okay. The truth is this. Every day that we live should be a little bit like Christmas. We treat people well, and the present we give is decency. And that's easy to say when you sit a little bit back. But this Christmas is going to be harder than most sitting here as me because we are on the precipice of this change

and this worry and this angst that we're all around. So what I want you to do is reach out to those. It's really hard with you sitting there. What I want you to do is reach out to those who need an arm around them, that need a little tap upon the back, that need a fist bump, and say Merry Christmas.

Because actually the truth of it is this. Presents, cards, all the other shit, the fucking Nintendo adverts, fuck you, you c**t, is absolute nothing. What Christmas is about is a nod to a stranger and Merry Christmas.

A smile to a neighbour to say have a great day. Remember what this started as. It was a day of celebration about a man who didn't really exist. Oh my God. Bringing presents. Dude, dude, dude, dude.

Dude. What? You can't fucking just say that. What was all that said about us? I know who you're talking about. You can't just fucking dismiss him. Kids listen to this. Kids listen to this fucking podcast.

What parents? Right. I'll do a kid version. What we're talking about is a guy that we all love. Who every year... Thank you. Pops some presents into a sack that we all care, who every year pops some presents into a sack that we all care about and we love.

Actually, I was also talking a little bit about Jesus. Anyway, either way you sum it up is this. It might be about two men that really probably didn't ever live on Earth or really didn't exist. But actually what Christmas is about is this. It's about a handshake. It's about saying Merry Christmas to someone who's actually more important

than the sculpture of the clay in which he sculpts. Remember, friends, it's not all about the long yards. It's about the smiles. You're literally like the worst

heckler ever go easy go right remember merry christmas and god bless everyone thank you so

much tom that was the worst one ever because you were heckling me i'm so sorry literally down in a fucking shot

halfway through it sorry sorry literally down in your beer like a fucking old drunk that fucking has been just told that his fucking wife

might do he's taking her knickers off it's a bit close to the bone okay JT you're here can I ask you to play out

play us out with Gorilla Little Sims is this a Christmas song do you want a Christmas song we could have a Christmas song but Little Sims has just shopped

an incredible album called No Thank You. Oh for fuck's sake. You're never gonna be Suge Knight. Suge? Suge Knight? Who's Suge Knight? The guy who owned Death Row Records.

Yeah, no, that's Shug Knight. Who's Suge Knight? Well, listen. I'm gonna fucking take control there whoop a little bit of do you know what

ok I'm going to say something obvious this is my favourite Christmas song that's what I'd love to hear I'd love to take

your shoes off put off your socks give your feet a massage buy an open fire put your stockings swaying and let's hear your favourite Christmas song All I Want For Christmas

Is You by Mariah Carey wow and I am all about that baby thank you so much for listening to us this year I don't know we're doing another one before the year is out

JT what's your schedule yeah we are we'll do one more next week this will come out ok well whatever we might see you I don't know we might see you before the year

what we do another one what worries me more is that I was JT was very much the captain of the ship that I'm worrying is heading towards an iceberg. Guys, have a merry, merry Christmas. Take care of yourselves.

God bless everyone. Bye-bye. You could ever know Made my wish come true All I want for Christmas Is you You, baby You