Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 28: Live in Manchester

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Recorded last week at the Manchester Opera House - it’s the Wolf and Owl Live! For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List- https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... and it felt a little like...

Life's a trip. Make the most of it at best western yeah yeah what you want beak or jaws feathers or fur sharp teeth or feet with claws whatever's preferred they'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves then podcast the body parts get severed and served bring your weak shit where the wolf and owler that ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler both of them are known to pull up at your shows have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows fuck the censorship, let em see the whole thing they stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing

dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing all you hear is a huff a puff and a expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping impressive innit, the death bringing It's head spinning, just kidding Every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Yes, yes, yes, Manchester!

Yeah, boy! Hello, hello Yeah, boy! Hello. Hello. We can sit? Yeah, let's sit. Hello, everybody. How you doing? You good?

Thank you so much for coming. It's been a crazy one with the rail strikes, and you guys have made the effort. Wow, it's incredible. So thank you so much. Oh, fuck, you're so thirsty um this is uh this is this is like crazy because um when we do the live show um as you're about to find out we try and make it as like as much as organic as possible like we do with the uh the podcast normally so there's no preparation we've just sat in a room together for two hours just drinking and

chatting and bitching about shit. And then you're like, oh, fuck, we've got to go and do a live podcast. We've just got to have a conversation in front of a load of people. And it dawns on you when you're standing there. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you. We think this is a load of shit. That's

the honest truth. And so, like, we just chat chat and Tom said to me, as you know, if you're listening from the beginning, you'll know that there are about 35 pilots of this show where we try different formats. We try to think up topics.

We try to put a hook on it. One day Tom said, why don't we just chat, whatever man, we're not funny blokes. And you say, I can't be bothered to put any work in, so, yeah, fuck it. What's that, two minutes 30? You fucking, you brought the pain first, baby. So, yeah, it's, yeah, it's a chat, right? And this feels insane, because it's an amazing amazing place and yeah. So this has now also turned into an impromptu drunk.

If you want me to be honest, I'll tell you what happened. So Tom was, I don't know where, you came to Manchester in the morning, right? Yeah, I mean, my journey here was different from yours because the cat... No racism? Huh? Not from anyone to you anyway

Anyway, go on Four minutes Lean on it That was a quick 90 seconds, go on mate How was your journey up? You were going to get the train, right? I was going to get the train, but obviously there's train issues

And you are so against, you hate the train. I hate train what? You can't even fucking finish a sentence. I knew it was tender ground, I was on the ice. And I thought, actually, maybe, yeah. So what did you do in the end? You drove, or? I was working in London and then I drove.

It's a boring conversation, isn't it? But anyway, we've digressed from the initial story. The point was, I phoned Tom on the way up here and I said, we really need to talk about what we're going to talk about today. And he said, well, we've got a couple

of hours before the show, let's fucking get on it. And we've just sat slagging off comedians for two hours. That's basically what's happened. I'll tell you who's shit. More successful comedians than us. Yeah. There's about three.

Am I right? Fucking legend. So how are we generally? I always worry when there's a quietness between us because it's sort of like... It's a difficult situation. Well, no, because it feels like me and you are having a date and one of us has gone i might bring some friends there it goes it's different to a normal day because i know we're definitely gonna fuck

that's genuinely the creepiest you've ever been i can imagine you when you first met lisa going to the toilet and putting on a bit of Paco Rabanne and going, oh, we're going to fuck. It's funny, because I sometimes, I don't know if you guys have this in your relationships, people in relationships here, but I do feel like my strategy for getting with people in a couple is to work with them for eight months. You're a big fan of negging for a long time. No, fuck you. Negging myself in the mirror.

Yeah. Genuinely, this honestly happened. We walked into the dressing room today. We shared a dressing room for some fucking reason. I insisted upon it. And I honestly said these words in the mirror. Why the fuck are you so ugly? I can't help it, man.

I've just got... And I know it's not good. I know it's not good to, see that fucking, I love the idea, there's just two flies over there, and one of them's gone, I'm going to go and sit on that prick's nose. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bruce, go halfway through a story. Wait till he's feeling really low about himself. He's coming. And just fly over there. He's looking in a mirror.

Go for it, son. But yeah, so for example, we were watching, Lisa and I have been watching, The Swan and I have been watching Married at First Sight, right? Which series? We've talked about it a lot. The latest UK one. And I find that whole thing of like has anyone here watched that show by the way i mean listen it's not highbrow art but it's fine for

what it is right yeah you brought it into my life actually is the truth of it that bit that terrifies me is the bit where the groom is facing away and then the bride's walking up and then he turns around i can't even imagine i said to lisa if i was there and you walked up the aisle it'd be the first episode where someone just fucking runs away right genuinely i i had dates like that when i was single i swear there was times when like you you can see it in someone's eyes, where someone, like blind dates are the fucking worst thing in the world, right? When someone turns around and goes Not like, not dates for people

that are blind, let's be, oh no, they're even worse. That's fine. That's helpful if anything. But anyway, go on. And when you turn up and you sit down next to someone to chat and you can see in their eyes and in their mannerisms that you aren't the person that they thought you were going to be and they're really disappointed and then you become so pathetic you you think well actually obviously they don't fancy me so

if i become more cool and sexy how do you do that instantly tell me talk me through it talk me through what happens when you're on a date and you think I always find if I turn around and go yeah so I worked on building sites for 20 years I don't know

I suppose trying to have a little bit of a laugh and a joke is always where you try you try and overcompensate that right did you ever have those dates

where you'd be like oh fuck no I don't have dates full stop didn't you I don't think I've ever been on a date. That's a fucking mad thing to say. I don't think I have.

That is the sound of a thousand hearts breaking. That's like, you never went on a date. I don't think so. I mean, like, you must have gone on a date. So what I mean by that, when I say I've never been on a date, what I mean is, I've never been on a date and that's the first time I've been out with someone. That's never happened to me. say I've never been on a date, what I mean is I've never been on a date and that's the first time I've been out with someone. That's never happened to me.

So you've never been on a set-up date? No. But I've been like, you know, I've been on a date with a girl that I've worked with for 18 months and she's asked everyone else out and it's gone tits up. That I've done a few times. You've met this one, right? You never went like someone, you were never at a house party

and said, oh my God, Claire would be perfect for you. No. I'll tell you what has happened. My mum's gone, your cousin would be perfect for you. That has happened. No, but I've never, man. I don't have that. You know, I find it like, I know that, you know,

like we're in our 40s, obviously, and there are probably people that are a lot younger than us in the audience but like that that whole dating thing's moved on do you mean like but when you know in our day it was like you'd fucking go to a bar or a club right yeah and you just hope it was dark enough that someone wouldn't really know what you look like i mean that that's I mean? Not to commit a crime. I just mean it'd make you feel more attractive. You know, there's nothing fucking worse. People of a certain age will know this.

When you're with a girl, or a girl with a guy, or a guy with a girl, oh, fucking hell, I don't want to get cancelled. But you're with somebody, and it's getting to the end of the night, and then they switch the lights on, and you go, well, this is the real me. So sorry this has worked out like this for you.

The worst one I've had in the vein of that is meeting someone like, it's a place called Chicago's in Sutton. It used to be like... I went to Chicago's. Rough as fuck. Horrible. And I remember meeting this girl, really, like, falling, you know, you used to fall in love over like literally two glasses of drink and you go oh my god I'm in love with this person that's quite

a lot that's quite late on um and then the next day like sort of texting her and saying I'll meet you up and then meeting them and just again seeing this putting them getting around and saying I remember you being really charming and you being like all right then you sort of looked a bit different like that that feeling's even worse than someone who has no fucking premise of what you're looking gonna look like and you turn up dating is shit i'm so happy that my gen my fear every day is that katherine turns around and goes i think me and grace would be better off without you and i've got to go back into the dating game do Do you know what? This is the saddest thing. If the swan turned around to me

and said, I've met someone else, I'm going off, I'd actually go, do you know what? Good for you. For 14 years, I've wondered if you've got self-esteem issues, and finally, you've stepped up to see what you can really do. Congratulations. That, to me, is unconditional love. I don't even want any money or the house.

No. Yeah. Good luck. You won't be choosing the emails anymore. I can tell you that's enough. That's gone. That worries me so much. But also, then, I do look and think, like you, yeah,

I think, oh, actually, no, maybe I'd be better off, which is quite bleak. Who'd be better off? I don no, maybe I'd be better off. Which is quite bleak. Who'd be better off? Sad, isn't it? She'd be better off. I'm quite morose drunk. Yeah. I mean, what do you think it would be like

if you and Catherine split up, which, let's be honest, isn't outside the realms of possibility? I've probably got another two years of success before it happens. Yeah, what would you do? Would you look to meet someone else? No, no. I think I would just, I think I'd probably just sort of live like, sort of,

I'd probably become like a clown or something. What a fucking mad thing to say. So if... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Can you imagine having that conversation with Kat? What do you think would happen if we split up? I reckon I'd become a clown. What the fuck are you talking about? No, I think that all clowns are men who used to have families and dreams. Yeah, so you don't fucking aspire to be that. No, I'm not aspiring to it.

That's my worst nightmare. I'm not saying, all right, that Catherine fucking leaves me. Catherine's walking out the door like, what are you doing? Are you packing your stuff? No, I'm looking for some face paint, actually. I need to get started on this fucking whitening up. It's probably a house full of men who are clowns, probably somewhere like Lewisham.

And you turn up and, like, with your little case with your big red nose and your big shoes in it, and you knock on the door and they'll sort of open it and they'll say, oh you've been let go have you? And you're like oh yeah, they're like, come in

and then you'll sort of learn all the tricks like how to do a water and flower First day after divorce, yeah, you're mucking out the elephants We'll have a struggle fitting all of us in a car, even for you. You can fit ten, it's going to be eight, it's not going to be as impressive.

We normally think these shoes are too big, they'll probably fit you. I'll be so dignified, put a pair of these funny big shoes on. No, they're actually just my shoes. Who bought Clown Jordan? This makes no fucking sense i do think the swan fancies her pt wow really what's he like fucking fit really

proper hot and charming really i see i think that you've done the worst. Do you go to the same gym? Yeah. You've done the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world? No, no, no. You've done the best thing. No, but you go to the same gym as your wife goes to, right? Yeah. So you're surrounding yourself

with men who are ripped and sexy. So there's just like... No, but it's like... So all of a sudden, she'll be like, oh, my God, I love you so much. And you walk in the gym and she's like... First of all, have you met Lisa?

No, it's like there's so many different vibes and stuff. Yeah. What do you mean? No, I'm just saying. No, mate. I'm just saying that don't go to the gym. Do you see what I mean when I say on the podcast, he's a stealth ****? You present as this

lovely, and then gradually you fucking chip away. They should use you at Guantanamo. this lovely... And then gradually you fucking chip away. They should use you at Guantanamo. We've got this guy, he's not giving up any information. Could you pretend to be his best mate and then just fucking undermine

every single piece of confidence this prick's got? That really helps. Hello, mate. No, listen, let me tell you something. I love you with every molecule of my heart, but... I just think that if you go to different gyms, it's a good vibe.

What do you mean? Like, you go to your gym, and then you're like, yeah, and then you're not going to see, like, everything going on. So you're saying choose a different gym so I don't see Lisa getting fucked by her PT? Is that your advice? No, no, but... What the fuck are you talking about? But, like, that's in your head now, choose a different gym so I don't see Lisa getting fucked by her PT? Is that your advice? No. What the fuck are you talking about?

That's in your head now, because you've seen the sexy PT being charming. Right. She's on the squat rack, and he's joking. And you're looking over, and you're going, oh, for fuck's sake. Fucking prick. Petey goes, is that your husband over there? Yeah, I think it is, yeah.

Why is he masturbating? I'll just give it to her. She's never had it like that. Are you done with that machine, mate? Wipe it down when you're finished. It's after charm. It's not done yet. Is that your penis?

That was such a dark... What? What do you mean, is that my penis? I was just saying, the style you do it, it's quite like... Oh, I do it like that? Yeah, a lot of people go like that. I go up and down. It's a different style. It takes about three days to get there. But when you do, fucking hell, it's a rush. I've got a friend... Oh, look, this is taking a bit of a...

This is so depressing. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry This will be my final thing about masturbating First of all don't lie to the audience. I've got a friend who can only masturbate if he squats if he squats This is a true fucking thing, right? He used to like before you carry on is this true? yeah I swear this is true he used to hide behind the sofa and watch

like the old television X and all the porno things but he used to hide because he didn't want to get caught so he used to hide behind the sofa just looking over the top of it so basically he trained himself to wank while squatting and now he's in a position where unless he squats, he can't masturbate.

The problem with that is, does he get an erection every time he squats? Because his body goes... Oh, yeah. It's time. I'm not too sure about that. He's not going into those details. Absolute nightmare in a French toilet. It's a joke for the travellers amongst you.

There's two things weird about that. One, that that's a fact, and twollers amongst you It's two things weird about that One that that's a fact And two that you would fucking tell anyone It was a quite old day on set when he told us It was a quite old day on set I won't name names Tell us a name it rhymes with What a famous character he's played? No, his name.

Yeah, he's got a very distinctive name, though. Don't say Shmamesh Mangane for the fuck's sake. I can't, I can't. Because this is being recorded, and someone will tweet it or say something. Yeah, we can't trust these fucking... I know, I trust them, but... Well, not all of them. There's going to be one or two here. Somewhere.

We should explain what the show's going to be. Well, it's this, isn't it? Yeah. But then we're going to have an interval in a bit and then we're going to do emails, aren't we? Yeah. Emails and questions and such. Yeah. And we should talk a bit about the merch, shouldn't we?

Because basically... Yo! Just do you. Sorry, mate. I couldn't hear you because you've got some corporate jizz dribbling out of your chin. I'm fucking proudly corporate. Can I just say what I'm proud of?

Party rom being the worst-selling T-shirt in the history of fucking... No, no, no. Can I just say... Is there anybody here that has a party rom T-shirt? Fuck you, you liar. How many people have got the Pebble merch? Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. You thought that was going to be a fucking eight-mile mic drop, didn't you?

I was about to call an early interval and go and get more length. I'd love to know about this, because obviously we get emails in, and not everybody that listens to the podcast is going to email in, thank God. It'd be an admin nightmare. But just by a cheer, who's in favour of the concept of an arse pebble?

Okay, hold on, wait. Who thinks it's fucking disgusting? I'd say 50-50. I had to do it over Christmas. Talk me through it. So me, Catherine and little G went away for Christmas. Boxing day went for an amazing curry. But it was incredibly spicy.

Right. Where'd you go? We were staying at a place called The Grove. Oh, my God. You fucking out-of-touch little shit. She went to The Grove on Boxing Day. The Grove is nearly as big as your actual house. Right, go on. So basically, halfway through the curry, I said, I need a pebble here. And Catherine looked at me with a look of absolute disgust

and said, please tell me you haven't brought a pebble. I haven't brought a pebble. Haven't brought a pebble? What? Because I said, this is really hot, this is going to have repercussions. And she looked at me like that and went, please tell me you haven't brought a pebble. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Brought a pebble? Yeah, because we were staying at the hotel. Oh, fucking hell, thank God. I thought... I thought you... thought you just... Get that in the freezer for me. Just as you're sort of... Real cheap, run it under a bit of water. As you're finishing the meal, just wiping your mouth.

Anyway, I've got to go lock this in. Sorry, yeah, OK. No, I take it. Did you bring a pebble with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, it's a game changer. Someone said to me actually recently, though, to try ice. You should try ice?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, obviously. Yeah, but then you get a wet arse. Yeah. And that's one of my biggest fears is getting up and you've got a pair of beige chinos on and you've got a wet arse patch. That's one of your biggest fears?

Terrifies me. Really? You're not worried in the summer when you've got a sweaty arse and you're sitting chatting and you get up and you think, if I get up here and walk through this fucking pub and I've got a fucking line right down my arse fucking crack, I won't

come back from that. I'm even thinking about it now and I've got a dark pair of trousers on. By the way, how drippy is Tom Davis looking tonight? And Romesh as well. You've got a really cool outfit that you didn't change into.

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Choose from loads of delicious, more-ish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes. It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. I get very paranoid about... Okay, this is a mad thing, right? Everybody has irrational fears. Yeah. Now, I am very obsessed with anal hygiene. Let me just get this out here.

Yeah, yeah. Do you shave your arse? Do I shave my arse? Or wax? No, is it still quite hairy? No, your arse cracks. My arse is hairy, yeah. My arse crack.

I don't know, I don't... I can't... I can't think of the last time I actually sort of saw it in all its glory. I mean, it's something that, you know, I'm aware of, but I don't look at it. Like, how often are you examining your own arse crack? No, I don't examine it, but I know it's hairy, just because...

Do you shave your arse? Just because when I get up and I look at the toilet seat afterwards... You're not as mad about that. They're disgusted, not even on the top 20 things of most disgusting things you've said. So, do you shave your arse crack? No, but... Why did you ask me if I shave mine, then?

No, because you said you're obsessed with the hygiene of your bath. I am obsessed with the hygiene, but what I mean is I find the idea that we still wipe our arses with dry toilet tissue. I find that appalling. So you carry around a little wet wipes? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I just find... Oh, God, this is... I'm so sorry, but...

Go on. We might as well... Fuck it. They know what they've come to. Just get on with it. I find that that just smears everything around a bit. Okay. Well, I can talk you through my process if you like. Okay. I mean, this has come to something.

Some people are sitting there just going, oh, I fucking should have listened to those train strikes. 25 minutes of listening to how Ramesh wipes his ass. Well, listen, you can have the tips if you want. I've got one of the cleanest anuses in the country. I'm pretty convinced of that. So you go dry, wet, dry. Right.

So dry toilet tissue is like your first responder. Yeah. To deal with sort of the initial carnage. Yeah. Then you go wet for like a polish up. So the mistake you've made is you've gone in early with wet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go dry first.

Yeah. Then you go wet. Yeah. And then for a final sheen... You go dry again. You go dry again. Wow. I kind of want to try this. Yeah, it's fucking amazing.

I'm telling you guys, it's amazing. You have to find like the environmentally friendly... Wipes. Wet wipes. We've got those because we've got babies, so... Yeah, yeah's fucking amazing. I'm telling you guys, it's amazing. You have to find the environmentally friendly wet wipes. We've got those because we've got a baby. Yeah, yeah. It feels so stupid that I've never even thought of that. Yeah. It's amazing, isn't it, then,

that when you're cleaning your child and you think, I want my child's arse to be really clean, you use wet wipes, and then eventually you go, I think I'm ready to move on to dry. Yeah. I think that would probably be all right. I'm doing bigger shits.

My arse is hairier. I need a worse product to clean it. What's the fucking logic in that, man? My worst thing, and this is the fact that, because I had a bit of a hairier back, so I decided to have my back... Did you hear the gasp for surprise?

I actually think that was just someone else with a hairy back going, thank God someone's talking about it. Tom's responsible for three photographed Yeti sightings. Wow. So good. Low blow. So you have your back, and I used to have my back and my arse cheeks done, and then the arse hurts so much.

Done how? Like waxed. So I'd love to know about that. Yeah, so I had it waxed, and then I started like the arse. Is it strips? Yeah. Okay. And how painful is it?

Very painful. And then I just started thinking, well, actually, my arse, for the most part, is only going to be in front of Catherine or in my pants. What a horrible, horrible experience for Catherine's life. Don't worry about waxing my arse, Craig. There's not any Catherine I show it to every night before I go to bed. The fuck are you talking about? Has Catherine seen your arse crack?

My arse? Of course she has. Right. My arse, I don't get... I don't... I don't walk parade in front of the bed and go, have a look at that. What do you think of that? Are you alright? You know what? One of the things that I like to do

when I leave a room, if Lisa and I are watching TV, I don't know why I find this funny every time. If we're watching TV and I need to go to the toilet, I will get up and walk out, and then I will show her my arse. Are you Mooney?

I'm Mooney, yeah. Does anyone else do that? Cool. Less popular than the Party Rom T-shirt. That hobby. My worry is, though, that when I go swimming or something, I have just like a little... My trunks will drip a bit, and then I've got a little line of hair

where my back's been waxed immaculately, and I've just got this hair coming out from the top of my pants yeah you need to hide the border don't you yeah yeah how high up are you going on your back well yeah but then once she's not going low you might as well do the heart mine looks like sort of the famous five peering over a wall all right so anyway the point I was trying to make is I'm obsessed with anal hygiene right but despite that whenever I'm at the gym I become paranoid that there's a skid mark friendship like showing from my jog I don't know why like I really do polish my ring but despite that you have I'll be in this situation I think imagine if I had a skid mark like like, showing through my tracksuit bottoms now.

Do you wear white tracksuit bottoms? Grey. Grey? Really? That's a big risk. Yeah. You should get, like, a navy. What I don't want to do is go, I don't need to worry about cleaning my arse because I'm

wearing dark tracksuit bottoms. No. That's not a solution to that. But also what you don't want is your PT. Do you have a problem with skid marks? Hide them. With dark tracksuit bombs. That's not the solution. You don't want your wife in a PT, Lisa with a PT,

to go, which one's your husband? And go, oh, the guy over there with the grey tracksuit bombs. And the skid marks. That's the worst. I don't know if I know anybody that finds themselves as funny as you do. It's the idea of you parading around with a big skid mark in your trousers. You know, it reminds me of a... I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast. I used to do judo at school,

and I was a really fat kid. And there was a really fat white kid. Is he here tonight? There's a really fat white kid. Is he here tonight? There's a really fat white kid. You know, that would be amazing if you had a rematch. Anyway, I think I've told you that we had a coffee and cream bout at the end of it.

Christ. Yeah, so I was called Coffee. It's so fucking racist. Jesus Christ, what school did you go to? I was called, so my judo teacher called me coffee. You've never told this story before? I've never told this story. I've never heard this story before.

I've definitely not told it without crying in front of a therapist before. So basically, I was a fat Asian kid. Oh, you were Asian when you were younger? Were you wrong? And then they got the fattest white kid and then at the end of the lesson the teacher would go it's time for the coffee and cream bout and then the whole class would sit round oh my god and watch the two fat kids we're actually literally just fucking morosely rowing into the break anyway that weirdly that wasn't the point of the story that was the preamble did you have a skid

mark yes oh wow so no no i didn't have a skid mark so what happened was i got changed after judo i can't fucking believe what happened in schools back in the day, man. This is mad. So I finished judo, and I got changed, and I left my judo bottoms... ..in the dressing room. Fucking hell, I wasn't on mock. In the changing room.

And then I went home, and then the next day I went into school and my form teacher said... This is like the end of Traitors because because I know what's coming, but I'm like... My form teacher said, there are a pair of judo trousers... This is something, actually I'm going to say something, this is something I've never admitted before. This is something, actually I'm going to say something, this is something I've never admitted before. My form teacher said, there's a pair of judo trousers left in the changing room yesterday.

They've got a name badge saying Ranganathan in them. And then he held them up so that the front dropped down. And there was, I would say, like a solid thick... It wasn't even like a graze. I would say it was like somebody's dragged a heavy knife of Nutella down the inside of the thing. Just like a fucking canyon of shit down the middle of the thing. And I said, oh yeah,

they're my brothers. Oh, fuck, wait, you cunt. You cunt. I've never, I've never admitted that. You threw Dinesh under the bus? Yeah, Dinesh was like fucking known as like Skidder really

for the rest of his time there oh wow Jesus but you know that's his fault for being more attractive than me growing up his brother is stunning

by the way my brother's what stunning he is a good looking guy he's a really good looking guy he's cool yeah yeah

is that no I'm just saying something else I sort of want to address this at the live shows and we probably should address it on the actual podcast Tom's lost weight I've lost weight right well

that cheering is exactly because we've had a couple of emails from people saying that we bang on about it too much and I just want to say we should take this opportunity to say, we're not saying that you should be lighter or heavier or anything like that. It's just, this is what's happened to Tom and me

because we've just been going to the gym. But what I would say to you is, if anybody's about to embark on a weight loss journey or thinking about losing weight, first of all, you don't need to if you don't want to. If it's for health reasons, that's fair enough. But there's nothing wrong with being big. You still look as good. What I would say to you is anybody that thinks that losing weight is going to clear up your hang-ups is fucking very much mistaken. What I would say is even if

you lose four stone, your eye still looks like that. Do you know what I mean? That is what I would say. So for people that think that losing weight is going to... I've still got a long list of things. If you think that weight loss is going to fucking miraculously... There are deeper issues there, do you know what I mean? I just do want to take this opportunity to say, you know, we're not celebrating... You know, you don't have to be any kind of size in particular,

so I do want to say... Yeah, you do, you're absolutely right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For taking... Do you know... Do you know something? You know something?

To get a round of applause like that, it means so little. You know, because it wasn't a rousing round of applause. It was one person went if we'd been going into extra time in a football match you'd just scored a fucking incredible goal with the skid mark sorry, and then you'd literally

scored an own goal with the weird thing that you did after okay, before we go into the break, after the break we're going to be looking at emails and stuff and giving some of our completely uninformed advice. Favourite breakfast of choice, Tom? Oh, wow.

Scrambled eggs. Turkey rashes now. Turkey rashes? Yeah. Hold on, I'm talking about, how often are you having this? Huh? What's that? Get a grip of yourself. He does every morning before breakfast.

That's actually my favourite breakfast. That's a squat. I like the taste of turkey rashers. I think they're better. Hold on, hold on. Who said get a grip of yourself? Who was it? Hello, what's your name? Hello, Francesca.

What is your issue with turkey rashers? They're shit. I actually genuinely think that they're incredible. I love a turkey rasher. Oh my God. Turkey rasher station. Also, just so you know

In case anybody's not listened to the podcast And for some reason you've been dragged here By a friend When Tom says Turkey Rashers is incredible That is like the lowest level of praise He's ever given anything I had Turkey Rashers this morning And I had them at lunch as well

Pardon? Shout out to Turkey Rashers this morning, I had them at lunch as well. Turkey rashers. Pardon? Shout out to turkey rashers. Yes, thank you. Okay, this is turning into the fucking Farshow or something. That's going on now. Why turkey rashers over bacon rashers? I like the taste more. Oh, right, okay.

It's not a health thing. A health thing a little bit, because I like a pork sausage. I don't like... You are a dirty little fucking... I don't like too much, I don't like one animal getting all of the praise. So I like, you've got a bit of turkey, obviously the chicken's represented by the egg, bit of pork, sometimes I have a bit of blood, I like a bit, what I'm getting at is a fry-up I guess. Yeah.

What about you, Rom? And also, vegan fry-ups, I guess. Yeah. What about you, Rob? And also, vegan fry-ups aren't quite the same. Vegan fry-ups are not the same. I always feel sorry when I'm sitting eating a full meat fry-up and then someone's having a vegan one, and you've got to try and find nice things to say. Oh, my God, that mushroom, that's amazing. It's funny, because if I was sat opposite you

and you having a full fry up and I was having a vegan fry up my main thought would be I hope he doesn't talk it's the only time I don't when I'm eating do you have black pudding on your fry up yeah I love black pudding actually I'll tell you one thing it is banging and I'm going to go back on saying

vegan black pudding is incredible I've never had that that sounds like so fucking mad it's just oats with a bit of spice, but fuck me, it's good. So like porridge with chilli powder? Bit of cumin, yeah. What's yours?

I mean, yeah, you strike me as a cereal kind of guy. I love a... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Why have you reacted to him saying I'm a cereal guy as if he said, you strike me as a c***? No, no, but you do strike me as the sort of guy

who gets out and you're sort of like, yeah, you've got all your crazy cereals. You go to that American shop and get ones with marshmallows and shit in. Well, unfortunately, that's not vegan. But in my pre-vegan days, I used to fucking love Lucky Charms, man. You know Lucky Charms? Oh, really?

Yeah. And then when I was on holiday in Canada, I discovered, this is like when I was in my 20s or something, so a long time ago, I discovered Froot Loops. And I just fucking ate them almost exclusively the whole time I was in Toronto.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty bad. It makes your shit green. Did you... Have you been to one of those American stores that do all the zany? Yeah, I have.

Do you just look at them and think... Do you ever think about going back on veganism, just have one bowl of, like, Fruit Loops or Lucky Charms or some shit? I just don't want... I just don't like the idea of crying while I'm eating Fruit Loops. Do you know what I mean?

At what I've done. But... So this is how tragic I was at that age. I discovered Froot Loops. I thought they were fucking delicious. I came back to England. They didn't have those American stores then. And I couldn't find Froot Loops anywhere. They don't do Froot Loops, right?

This is how fucking sad I am. I wrote to Kellogg's. Oh, my God. What I love is you... I was genuinely thinking, we're going out the half on that. I actually think that's sadder than a skid mark. Really? Yeah. Writing to Kellogg's to beg them.

I wrote to Kellogg's. Yeah, Kellogg's. No, well, what do you... I'm a 29-year-old man just returned from Canada where I was knocked bandy by the taste of Froot Loops. As you can imagine, back here in the UK, I can't find the said Froot Loops.

I'm imploring you now, please, make them available to everyone in the UK so they can enjoy the wonder that is Froot Loops. Yours sincerely, Jonathan Ranganathan. It's actually a better version of what I wrote, to be honest with you. And Kellogg's replied.

They've replied? Wow. And they told me that Fruit Loops at that time breached the European like sugar and whatever content they've got to have a certain amount of fucking vitamins in or whatever. So they said, dear Romesh, thank you so much. Because this is your 26th, so this is

before the internet. I'm not 26, Brian. What were you like, 26, 27, so that was before the internet? I didn't fucking write to Kellogg's when I was 27 years old. I'd obviously send them an email, right? But they said to me, Romesh, thank you so much for your enthusiasm. Fuck me. Hey, Mick, come over here. Do you know that guy, you know you thought that guy

that emailed in about cornflakes was the biggest wanker we've ever heard from? No, it's probably just some kid who liked Fruit Loops. No, I said it here, look, Jonathan Ranganathan, age 27. Pretty pleased with that, aren't you? Anyway, okay, so the whole story's quite sad. Yeah. This is what Kellogg's... So Kellogg's go,

thank you for infusing them about Froot Loops. Unfortunately, they don't meet the European requirements for vitamin and sugar content and whatever. And they said, have you instead? This made me so angry, by the way. Have you tried Honey Nut Loops? I almost replied, do you take me for some sort of ****?

Do you think that what I liked the most about Fruit Loops was the fucking shape? And you can suggest anything else that's in that shape. Just suggest another ring-shaped cereal, that fucking idiot will have it. Mick, he's only that shape. Just suggest another ring-shaped cereal, that fucking idiot will have it. Rick, he's only written back, Gary Kellogg's.

I was not bandied by the idea. So, guys, we are going to have an interval. How do you feel about that? Cool. Get yourself a drink, a bowl of Froot Loops, and we'll see you in one of these days. We'll be doing emails, dispensing advice.

Guys, we love you. Thank you so much. See you in a bit. Please, could you welcome back to the stage the Wolf and Owl! Yo, Mikey Moore. Do you have a good interval? Great, great. Flew by. Really quick.

Any food out there? Huh? Oh, great. Flew by. Really quick. Any food out there? Huh? Oh, Nikes. Tom, don't get too detailed with it, mate. A little ASOS number. I'll put them up afterwards. I'll be one of those guys. Rom's a Stranger Things trainer.

I've got Stranger Things Jordans on. Yeah, yeah. They're all right now. Very sexy. If anybody's thinking, I wonder if that guy lost his virginity late. Here's a confirmation. I thought he'd never been on a date before.

Yeah. What are you drinking, lad? I wasn't sure what to wear for this date, so I thought I'd wear my Stranger Things trainers. I hope you like them. I don't like Stranger Things trainers. I hope you like them. I don't like Stranger Things actually. Oh, it's an amazing show. It's an homage. Do you like monsters?

It's an homage to all the great tropes of the 80s. It's so wonderful. You should watch it. My first question is, have you ever played Warhammer? Did you enjoy... You like that show, Stranger Things? It's amazing. No. What the fucking hell would you ask me that for? No, I liked it. Not so much on start fucking getting tattoos and getting trainers about it.

Well, you obviously love prison dramas. That's why you dress like you. Okay. Well, listen. I hope you enjoyed the first half. It was a wild ride for us. It was a lot of fun. It's just difficult, because obviously the premise of the podcast is that we're unplanned. Yeah. But then to walk out on stage in front of you, like, unplanned,

it's tricky. I mean, Badil and Skinner managed it all right, didn't they? Yeah, but they also, like, are more educated than we are. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's have a look at our first message. By the way, first of all, thank you for all the emails you sent in. And when I say all, I mean four. So let's have a look at the first one, please.

Hi. Coming to... This is from Matt. Matt, do you recognise this message? I'll read it out. It feels like it might be in London. Well, it says, coming to Manchester. That's literally the first words of the message. I could answer the Covent Garden.

No, but sure, it's in London. This is why I don't read the emails. I saw the Covent Garden bit and thought, oh, here we go. Coming to Manchester live show on the 5th, I saw Romesh standing outside Covent Garden station. Good for you. This is so tragic. Thank you once again to The Swan for choosing this. She's not here, she doesn't support me. But

I saw Romesh standing outside Covent Garden Station a good few years ago. I approached cautiously and I said, Hi Romesh, I really love your stand-up. Romesh responded, Thank you. Fucking hell. Electric banter even when I'm off stage. Glancing around with the awareness reserved for special ops missions,

seemingly slightly concerned about my enthusiasm, I gently tapped his elbow. Oh my God. And an awkward nod between both of us ensued. I backed away slowly into the growing crowd as Romesh surveyed the street closely, pressed against the station. It's made me look like a fucking sex event. Literally, this isn't the guy I know who would do a podcast. This is a creepy...

The way he's made you sound in here, you are... Is Matt here? I think I might have read this and asked the police to keep Matt away from me. As I departed, I felt like I should have maybe said more words, just wondering if Romesh remembers. In all fairness to Matt, you sound like you were being an utter prick. How? Well, you were all being all edgy, like you'd just brought a fucking porno or something.

You were all like, oh, get away from me. Actually, I'll tell you what happened. I was actually quite upset that day because somebody sat down next to me at a restaurant. I thought they recognised me, but they just got me to pay for their meal secretly. Do you remember this guy? Do I remember a guy saying,

I like your stand-up and me saying thank you a few years ago? Of course I fucking don't. I mean, it sounds like... Yeah, but this is what I say about life moments. Right? For you, this is just like, in the sliding doors scale of things, it's not saying you've remembered or affectionately thought about it

every night when you get home on the train. For Matt, it's massive. He probably tells everyone down the pub, oh yeah, I saw Romesh Reaganathan. Remember when I went to Covent Garden? And everyone's like, oh, fuck, yeah, tell that story. And I sort of said, oh, I like your stand-up. And he said, thank you.

And then he was just weird and shifty. Like he was on a mission. I wish Matt had said what you were wearing. Some Marvel trainers. A whole T-shirt. I had an awkward situation. Because I do agree with you because sometimes

you do get slightly nervous if you're out and about first of all I don't look very approachable and secondly when people are talking to me I don't look like I'm very enthusiastic and that's a problem I am enthusiastic, if people come up and talk to me it's really nice, it's like a privileged situation to be in

but I don't look like I'm... I mean, in all fairness, we've just done sort of an hour on stage, and at times you don't feel very enthusiastic about that. And I've known you for 12 years. Yeah. So you don't remember... Obviously Matt wrote this amazing email, didn't bother showing up tonight, so...

That's almost like Matt has snubbed you now. Is Matt Matt? Are you here? What the fuck is going on? Yeah, but you know what Matt's done? What? Matt snubbed you now. Is Matt Matt? Are you here? What the fuck is going on? Yeah, but you know what Matt's done? What? Matt's fucked with you now. Matt, in the game of wits between you and Matt, this is Matt.

Now, you're disappearing into the crowd while Matt is... He's sitting out there somewhere. You best believe it. Yeah. He's stroking a Persian cat. With a big smile across his face. If you're there, Matt, we'll put a beer from... Yeah, if you're out there, Matt, and you've chosen not to respond, well played. I actually respect you for that.

Mate, you know what you could do is take a picture of yourself, smiling with a thumb up, in the crowd, and then, yeah, we'll read... Whatever, yeah, everyone will celebrate you. I'll probably repost it, you won't bother. You'll be so angry with Matt. I'm not angry, Matt. Matt, I'm sorry if I was a prick. Matt, I think you're amazing, Matt.

Of course you fucking do. You've not met him with a 30 second email. Of course he's amazing. Have you had any bad encounters with members of the public, Tom? The worst one I had gig-wise.

Try and scan your memory. Go on. The gig-wise. I don't know if I have told this story on a podcast again. If I have, I'm sorry. I did a gig once

and it was just out of London and... We'd asked one of five times that you didn't cancel a gig for a golf competition. And after the gig, I got chatting to this guy, just having a pint with him and a bit of a laugh, and I said, I've got to get the train back.

And he walked all the way to the train station with me. And have I told the story before? Yeah. Yeah. There we go. So yeah, everyone knows the end of it. He got on the train and went back to that. We've got to find a way to fill that five minutes in

because that story's been fucking done. Yeah, that was probably the weirdest one. Cool. I hope you enjoyed coming to the live show for that. It's hard to know which ones we told. I mean, yeah, Skidmark, he's been keeping it in his back pocket. Here's a question for you Members of the Manchester audience Do you think we should just keep that as a live exclusive

This Kid Mark story Never to be told again I think we should put it out Because I think it's one of my favourite things Do you know I need to tell you something So this week's episode of Wolf for Now, we've already done two video clips.

We're probably going to put a third one out at the weekend. Yeah. And people keep messaging saying, can you please put out the full video recording of the podcast? And let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you this now because you've come to the live show. Most of the time we're not listening to each other. So if you... I'm going to tell you this now because you've come to the live show. Most of the time, we're not listening to each other.

So if you... If you watch the full recording, it'll be me talking and Tom like this. Or Rob going, get out, Ivy, get out. Yeah, that does happen a lot. Okay, let's have a look at the next email. Hopefully Tom will contribute something to this, because he did fuck off a lot. I've contributed, because I think Matt's a legend, so... Oh, this is a big...

Hey, sweet souls. Perplexing quandary for you... Actually, why don't you read this? Hey, sweet souls. Perplexing quandary for you... That's why you thought it was going to be funny, because you thought I couldn't pronounce quandary. No, I always read it.

For you providers of wisdom, my current job is enjoyable, and I have job satisfaction, and have been doing this role for five years. A new role appeared doing what I do now around a large area of East Riding, so we know where they live. To cut a long story short,

I was offered the job, and then was offered more so we know where they live. To cut a long story short, I was offered the job and then was offered more money to stay where I am. Not move. I'm not too motivated by money, more of the challenge of a new environment. This new opportunity may lead to a more challenging role in the future. I guess my question is, why am I

feeling bad about not being motivated by money? Kind regards, the fermented mackerel accompanied by the translucent pug. Woo! Are you here tonight? Are they in? Yes. Fuck you, Matt.

That's how you answer. Can you imagine if you ordered a pug from a breeder and it's fucking translucent how horrible that would be well so you could see if they're not fucking ugly enough as it is and and this one's translucent anyway tell me do advice um i know i i've never been motivated by money if i'm honest with you i've i think that's a i think it's quite a noble thing. I think in our industry it's a good thing not to do...

You know, to get obsessed with it and make the wrong choices and follow a path where you are just, like, money-orientated. I think it's good to sort of try and keep some sort of integrity to what you're doing. I think it's a really... I think it's a noble thing. I think that you're following your heart rather than sort of... And I truly believe, I think you if you're not motivated by money and you look at something and go right this is what I want to do I'm going to throw everything I've got at this and

it's not solely about materialism I think I think you'll you'll get a side of you that actually will become more successful and in the end you'll probably do better for yourself than you would have anyway so my advice would be don't question yourself too much do you be amazing go get it well i love money what a unique piece of advice you've only delivered to this email to this email. Go on, sir. I actually agree with you.

I think like, like when you, like obviously I was a, not obviously, but I was a maths teacher before I did stand-up and when I started doing stand-up, you're working at a loss for a lot of the time

because you're doing open mic gigs and it costs you money to get there and then they don't pay you any money but they're trying to see if you're good enough to loss for a lot of the time because you're doing open mic gigs and it costs you money to get there and then they don't pay you any money but they're trying to see if you're good enough to like do a paid gig and um one of the bits of advice that somebody gave me i can't remember it was they said delay ending your day job as soon as you like as late as you possibly can because as soon as you start needing to do comedy, you start making bad choices. As soon as you start needing to do it to pay the bills, you'll start doing stuff because of the pay rather than because of the thing.

I think early on you do more shit stuff than you do when you're in a more successful... Yeah, people will see me in the cupboard on Soccer AM. Yeah. You know, genuinely, I've been on Soccer AM so many times and asked if I can somehow get that clip. And they have got it still, but I just can't give it to you. Why would you ask for that fucking clip, man?

Most people wouldn't have watched it, because I think five people watched that episode. But it's my first, I think it might be my first ever, no, my first ever TV appearance was E4's 50 Greatest Plastic Surgery Shockers. But that was like my first, I guess, big, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, I did Soccer AM and they had this thing called Comedian. We could recreate it now.

No, because... No, no. It's just for the people here, but you could pretend that the backstages are covered and come out and tell a joke. You are such a fucking prick, do you know that? No, we're not. You do not know how many booze it would take to make me fucking get in the car. All right, so do the link.

All right, so what's the link? What did the guy say? Now we're going over to our... Okay, and what a goal that was by Alan Shearer. Now we're going into our famous cupboard. Who's in the cupboard? What have you got to tell us cupboard man? Why is Man City got so much money. It's fucking mad. Oh, fuck yeah. Have you got any other zingers covered, man? Don't like Tottenham? Hey!

Anyway. Thank you, thank you. That's basically what happened. They told me five times during the show, we'll bring you out, say a funny thing about football, then we'll put you back in the cupboard, right? Were you in the cupboard the whole show? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I should say, by the way, me, Rob Beckett, maybe Josh, quite a few of us auditioned for this and didn't get it, so that's... Yeah, unlucky you. Anyway, so the first two times I came out, obviously it's live TV, the first two times I came out, it went great. And then I ran out of gear. You had to write five jokes about football? Not five jokes.

It was like a minute. Oh, shit, really? It was like a fucking rant or whatever. Oh, wow. So they brought me out the third time. And I basically had nothing. And then I went back in and I thought, I hope they don't bring me out again.

Then Helen Chamberlain came and knocked on the door. I said, oh, fucking, I hope this is just if I want a cup of tea. Anyway, I died so badly the second half of that show that at the end of the show when they're doing the big, everyone's getting together, they're playing the theme tune or whatever, I was looking out the window of the door. Oh, fuck. I was looking out the window of the door and one of the runners from the show came in and said the producer said could you move out of the window

Jesus did you I mean is that why you've never been back since have you I can't go back on that show like they've asked me back a few times you will never ever see me on soccer oh my god but just because it's just so in but i can't i will get ptsd or some shit man and i was like my dad was running a pub at that time and like he got he was so excited about he's not going on yeah he's so

excited about me being on tv and it was like a football pub he was running. He got everyone, all the regulars came in to watch it. And my dad, God rest his soul, as I was in the car on the way back, he phoned me up and he goes, the pub has agreed that wasn't really for you. Oh, man. But the truth is, man, I thought I was dead then. I thought that was...

You thought you'd never come back? There's so many moments where you think, like, your career's... Not your career's over, but you just think, I fucked it. And that was one of them. That was one where I go, OK, well, that's the last time I ever do anything like that.

The work... I had a few really bad ones, like, in my head. One of the first films... I did a film really early on. It was one of those real, like, shitty fucking London gangsters, sort of like Danny Dyer-type rip-off films. And I was playing, like, a corrupt policeman with another actor. And we had this awful scene at a bar where we were talking about,

you know, oh, yeah, mate, fuck, well, I'll tell you what, if he comes down here, I'm going to cut him up and all this. Anyway, we all then did this scene where we all came out, and we all had to get into our cars. And they're giving everyone their cars, and they give me this fucking sports car. And I'm like a low-ride fucking Lamborghini kind of thing. And I'm like, I don't think I can get in this.

And they're all like, just fucking get in it, mate. Stop being a fucking pussy. So everyone else is getting Range Rovers, and I had to literally walk along, and this fucking door comes out. And you made it look really cool, and it's like, Tony, make sure you get that thing done, yeah? Call me, yeah?

Yeah? 40 minutes trying to get in the back of this fucking car, right? I finally squeeze myself in, and everyone starts driving off, and obviously I'm not driving, because I'm on my knees around my face. And a producer, who's this fucking young Hoxton fucking cool kid, comes over and goes bruv bruv you're right yeah why aren't you driving i said oh i can't actually drive and he went um what do you mean you can't drive you said you could when when you when you got the part i was like well i wanted the part and he said uh fuck so it's like this can't drive

you can't draw and i was, everyone's looking mad at me. So I'm like, you know, I could probably like, you know, maybe we just get a stunt double. We're making the film for fucking 30 quid. Stunt doubles. And anyway, he looks at me and he goes, okay, okay, okay. Your character's just going to have to walk off. So the final thing is me going

see you later yeah remember have a chat with Tony walking off like a right shadow I'll take the walk for the park I've had a couple of beers drink driving when you're a corrupt policeman no I don't think so that was that, the madness on that show was just, that same producer, and he still works now, he turned around one time and at lunch, he was just always off

his head, and he turned around one time and he said, after this, I want to go into bigger stuff, not all this gangster shit, I want to go into other stuff. I'm going to fucking do the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Right? And I thought, I said,

they've just done that, haven't they? And he went, yeah, but they've got all that fucking CGI shit. I want to do it, but with real animals. Right? And then he turned around to me, this is serious, he went, we'll do it with real fucking animals. Right? And then he turned around to me, this is serious, he went, we'll do real fucking animals,

right? Get real animals, that's the fucking difference. And I'm like thinking, this guy's a fucking idiot. And then he turns around to me and goes, you'd be a good asslan.

And I thought, don't shoot him down too soon, because if he gets this made, that's a fucking lead. This episode is brought to you by Secret Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc and baking soda It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils So whether you're going for a run or just running late,

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Thank you to the pug and the mackerel. Thank you for the what? The pug and the mackerel, the people who wrote. It's always good to remember the names. And Matt. Why did you decide to ignore the translucent pug? Huh? What? No, no, just because I wanted to say thank you for writing in.

Yeah, to who? The pug, the translucent pug and the flamented mackerel. Yeah, okay, well done. Hi, guys! We can't wait for the show on Thursday. My name is James, the brazen bear. And me and my girlfriend, the fabulous flamingo, are getting married in France in April.

First of all, can I say... By the way, can I say you've ****ed off James? Why? No, because you've done this weird voice for him. And I reckon James reading it's a real G, and you've made him sound like an absolute milk. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's the exclamation mark that threw me.

Hi, guys! That's not going to be like... Hi, guys. That's like... We can't wait for the show on Thursday. Another exclamation mark. I'm reading it the way it's punctuated. OK.

OK. I'll do it the way you want. Hi, guys. No, do it in your voice. Hi, guys. We can't wait for the show on Thursday. Hi, guys. We can't wait for the show on Thursday. Hi, guys. We can't wait for the show on Thursday.

My name is James, brackets, the brazen bear clothes, brackets. And me and my girlfriend, the fabulous Flamingo, are getting married in France in April. I know it's been a bumpy ride in love for you both growing up. What? I really like James this might be my favourite email ever I like someone to do that fucking little sentence

but you're both successful in love now with Cat and the Swan smiley face no it just shows that he smiled yeah but he's not done a full emoji he's managed to get a fucking bear in there at the end not bothered to do that midway through the email. That's more effort for that and that.

He's looked that up. No, the bear probably came... For the fucking cat and the swan, he's just, oh, just fucking put some punctuation in there. You're real... You know that, James? I'm joking, I'm joking. You seem like a nice, sweet, sweet soul.

You're probably one of the best people I've ever heard an email from. I was just wondering if either of you, sweet, sweet souls, you're probably one of the best people I've ever heard an email from. I was just wondering if either of you, sweet, sweet souls, could share any wisdom and advice for our big day and the future. Lots of love and see you soon. The Brazen Bear. Wow, James. Is James

here? Oh, a round of applause. Legend of the gang, James. Congratulations. It's not an email. Can you just... I'm sorry for the way... Can you just read that as you wanted it interpreted? Bye, guys.

We can't wait for the show on Thursday. Are you excited? The wedding's going to be amazing. My advice would be this to you both. Hold on, before we carry on. James, brazen bear, I'm sorry if you're offended by the way I read your email, first of all.

Second of all, how long have you two been together? Eight years. So the magic's gone. So this is like a formality thing now. No, no, no. If it was a year in... You can see their eyes sparkling. They're so in love.

Listen, you two. This would be my advice. Number one, free bar if you can. I know times are tough. Nothing says a good wedding... Can you do the free bar? Are you giving... Is this serious advice? Yeah, I'm saying the free bar... No, but he doesn't want... They don't just want advice for the big day.

It's for the future as well. Yeah, no, yeah, I'm just giving him... What? In order. I'm going to give us a big day and I'll move on from there. All right, go on then. I'm fascinated by this. I can tell. You see, I can imagine you shit, leaning forward like that. I always, weirdly, I don't ever use a toilet,

I always use a wooden chair as well. So, it's exactly right. Go on. Free bar's always good. Right? If you can afford it, cost of living, I know that could be a problem. Whatever. Put some free drinks on. Number two, work the room.

Speak to everyone if you can. Split up, do it as a team. You do her, family, work the room. Speak to everyone if you can. Split up, do it as a team. You do her family, she does yours. The most important thing is take five, ten minutes of the day where you walk away from everyone else. Couple of lines of coke. And you have a little ten minutes where you tell each other how you feel

and you take in the enormity of the day. And that's the moment there, I think. The rest of it's amazing. It's amazing for everyone who's there. It's amazing for you. And going forward, you've got to, I think, and I don't know how many people are married in this room, I think if you can, you try and set back

and try and think about this feeling you've got right now leading up to the anxiety, the love, this lustful feeling you've got coming up to the wedding and you try and recreate that as much as you can going forward. You have those little moments where you just, you remember why you've done it. Because sometimes you lose track of that and washing up and trainers left in the hall and a coffee cup by the side of the sofa. Has Lisa been in touch? That all overtakes everything.

And you forget what actually is important, and that's the two of you. So have a good one. My guy. Hmm. Well, the laugh's gone. Just tolerate each other. Sorry, can we get the email back, please? I just want to...

Is that all right if we skip back one? I just want to see the brazen bears. Just tolerate each other. Sorry, can we get the email back, please? I just want to... Is that all right if we skip back one? I just want to see the brazen bears. There we go. First of all, could I just say congratulations? I don't remember you saying that. I let a round of applause. Your wedding day has slightly... It's slightly highlighted a self-consciousness I have about my wedding.

Did you have a big wedding? Pretty big, yeah. So we had a really small wedding. We just booked the next available appointment at the registry office. We took 20 people, not randoms like people we knew. And then we just went to the pub and uh and then my brother got married in cyprus because his is mrs is greek cypriot originally and um it was a lovely it was an amazing experience like you are giving people an amazing experience by like getting married abroad It is a cool thing. It is also expensive.

I remember my sister-in-law saying to me, one of the customs in a Greek separate wedding is to pin money to the bride's dress towards the end of the day. You can't do that with a pound coin. No. Bit of blue tack on it. I felt like saying to her, I'm going to staple my fucking plane tickets to your dress.

You know how much it fucking cost to get here? Did you have all three kids at the time? No, we had one kid. Little Theo was around. But what I would say to you is the wedding day, I do agree a lot with what Tom said. I think that one of the things about getting married, I feel personally, is you kind of get so swept up in the party of it and the occasion of it, and you should both have a good time. I think that's a day where you can kind of be a bit selfish about it, do you know what I mean? And I think, you know, Tom sort of alluded

to that with the, you know, having moments to remind yourself. I think that, like, on your wedding day, you feel like you've got to give everyone a good time. They are there for you. Like, they are there to celebrate you two coming together. And I think that, like, when you get too caught up in giving everyone an amazing day, like, it's nice that they've turned up to celebrate that and you want them to have nice food and have a nice time. But they are there as, like, people you love that are coming to support you.

Do you know what I mean? Not my one, that is. We only took people we liked. Tom invited fucking anyone. Like, his is known as the biggest industry wedding in the history of fucking women. No, no, but also we had people genuinely there who I bumped into at the football or on a bus.

There were certain members of the family who weren't invited. He invited BBC commissioners and shit like that because they needed to get King Gary over the line. So that's what I say to you about the date. In terms of marriage, in terms of your actual marriage, I just very much agree with what Tom said.

I think that, you know, one of the things is, is like, you know, Lisa and I, the Swan and I have got three kids, and like, I'm, you know, we're both busy doing our thing, and what you sometimes do is you forget, you can allow yourself to forget what it is that brought you together in the first place, do you know what I mean?

And I think like, you know, particularly for Lisa, more so than me, you know, I get to do like a job that I love. Lisa is very much, you know, she loves dealing with the kids, but like you sometimes can fall into the trap of being two people that happen to live together, do you know what I mean? And you're getting on in a functional way. I think you've got to try and recreate that magic as much as you can, man. And, like, you know, Lisa and I have been trying to do that recently by me letting her fuck someone else.

No, no. That's not true. She can fuck whoever she wants. But, like, for example, like, we will once a month I I will cook a meal from like I've tried started trying to cook a meal from scratch and we have a romantic date night and you know and like once a month we will go out for a proper date the kids aren't with us we're trying to you know you have to try and like make sure you recreate that because what happens is life gets in the way do you mean and when you're in love

you kind of take that shit for granted but life gets in the way do you know what I mean and when you're in love you kind of take that shit for granted but actually a relationship takes work do you know what I mean and so my advice to you would be to just keep making sure that what people do is they think we're in love we've got married and we can just chill out now but that's not what it is in my opinion that's not what it is it's a relationship is something that takes work and it genuinely is that cliche of the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. So, the very best of congratulations and I hope you have a wonderful time.

Beautiful words. Well, do you know what? I'm great at giving advice, not good at running my own marriage. So, let's go to the next email. This is from Ollie Nightingale. Ollie Nightingale. is that you there? Olli! are you lying is that not is that not

I was your mate having a joke stand up for being an idiot come on you fucking electric bar of banter. Absolute legend. Why did you do that with Matt? I imagine it's non-stop laughs on a night out of you. Oh, fuck it, you'll never believe this. They called out Ollie Nightingale. I thought you fucking said it was him.

Do you know the funniest thing about it? His name's not Ollie Nightingale. All we can see is backs. Was that, mate? No, earlier, when I was at the... Yeah. Anyway, well done mate. Well done, that was good. Absolute legend.

Ollie Nightingale. Well done, doesn't have to come up with an animal name, already got one. I'm coming to you... Oh, look at you. What do you mean? Knowing your nature and shit. Well, I don't have to be David Attenborough to know that a fucking nightingale is an animal, do you? Well, by the way, we fucked up the other day

because it turns out a hermit that we said wasn't... Yeah, no, yeah, it was, yeah. It turns out it was an animal. Cool. Something... We can file that in a box marked Things We Should Have Just Said Backstage. Ollie Nightingale, I'm coming to your live event

on the 5th in Manchester, which also happens to be my birthday. That means if Olly Nightingale's there, you've got a better offer. Olly, are you here? Yes, Olly! Olly! Let's do it. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Ollie Nightingale. Happy birthday to you. Hip, hip, hooray! The J! Ollie! Where is Ollie? Where are you, Ollie? You should have got him on stage to do that. Hello, mate.

So, Ollie says... Look at you taking all that fucking Ollie acclaim. That could have been you getting all those happy birthdays. You'd followed his lead. And Ollie, why didn't you do anything when they fucking shouted out that he was Ollie Nightingale? You made us look like a right pair of fucking pricks. Spartacus, I'm Ollie Nightingale. Sort of gloss off it Ollie, mate two so they fucking and if you saw them

leave them look like an early night girl they look like a Callum you fucking prep are you by yourselves this fucking nest of pricks out in the front there all he's just on the way on the night bus home just sobbing yeah it's so much better if they had fucking fucking ruined a happy birthday. That's the bit that'll make the record. Do you want to read this one? It's quite short. I'm going to your live event

on a... eventch. How did you fuck it up? On the 5th in Manchester, which also happens to be my birthday. We needed some advice on how best to deal with my micromanager of a boss. Okay, Ollie, what's your job, bro?

You're a market exec. Listen, sometimes in life you have to work with... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to stop you in your strut. It sounds a lot like you're doing the closing monologue. I'm already terrified about that. There was a snail called Andrew. I'll start that and see where we go.

That's your starting point for the thing. Yeah, I don't know where it will go. We're almost done, actually, so you're going to have to get ready with that. Ollie, listen, I know what it's like to work with someone who at times can feel like they're micromanaging and they are being a little bit overbearing with overly compensating for the smallest of things, like calling you out going, oh, we should basically just do this or do that. Look, the thing about it is what those people really want is affection.

They want a good old nustle at the head and a noogie. They want a pint after work or a microwave lasagna at lunch. Vegan or vegetarian, if the so-person eats such. What I'm saying is, what they really want is a little bit of your attention. So I think, go the other way, right? I think literally go in tomorrow and overly bear a gun. You must have something for me to do today.

And overly play that card. Just be overly set. Match them and then go some. Micromanage within the micromanaging. I think you've got to be the most busy, eager... Be the Gary Neville of your office. Ollie, happy birthday, bro. Congratulations.

I can relate to your manager in a way because I too have had to carry a fucking moron through his career. And eventually your back starts to hurt. No, in all seriousness, I'm going to give you serious advice now. It's very difficult, that situation. But what I think you need to do,

in reality, what I would do if I was in your situation, is I would be as proactive as you possibly can. So it's kind of like Tom's advice, where you look like you're fucking on the front foot all the time. You start looking for shit without being told to do it. start getting on the front foot getting on that and then make it feel like if he stops you he or she stops you they get they're stopping you from being productive you're just constantly looking around for stuff to do you're on the front foot so if they stop you they start to feel self-conscious about the fact they've stopped you getting on with your job

if that doesn't work i would suggest becoming as smelly and as noxious as you can to have a meeting with Jimmy like just generally if he stops you if he or she stops you to have a meeting just fucking raise a leg and fart yeah just start scratching your dick as they're chatting to you really talk to me oh yeah I totally get what you're saying, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that totally makes sense, yeah. Shit like that, just to fucking make them stop

wanting to have me. Maybe those are judo trousers with a big skid mark in the back. And if anybody says, who's are these? Just say they're your brothers. Trust me on that, man. So, Ollie, listen. How old are you, bro? 26. Congratulations, you've got your life ahead of you. Our lives are behind us.

No, you're half of Romesh's age. Also, coincidentally, half Tom's prison sentence. So there you go. Okay, guys, listen. I think we're about that time, Tom. Okay. So I'm going to start with a snail called Andrew. So are you going to throw me under that? Let's see what, Tom. Okay. So I'm going to start with a snail called Andrew, so you're going to throw me under that.

Let's see what you do. Okay. There was a snail... Do you want to do it like you do on the podcast and have a quick wank before you... No, no, that would be nerve-wracking. You can squat. There was a snail called Andrew

who knocked about with other insects and snail-like things like a spider, a bumblebee, a fly. So a snail's not an insect and neither is a spider. But go on. So far, you're absolutely smashing it. Go on. Out of all of them, Andrew was the slowest and most sluggish, hence his name. He's a snail. On sunny days, the rest of his kinship would run out and frolic in the sun. Andrew, because he was so slovenly, would often try to get out,

but by the time he got out to play in the sun, the sun had set. And everyone would come back into the little tree trunk that they lived in, and they would all sort of gather around and go, oh my God, that was the best fun we ever had. It was incredible. And Andrew would just sit there thinking, oh, fucking hell, I'd love just once, just once. If you don't mind me saying, this snail sounds a lot like an owl. To get out there and enjoy myself with them. One fearful day, the sun

was shining, and all of his kinship, brethren, ran out to play in the sun. And Andrew tried to make it out there. And all of a sudden, there was a massive storm. You literally thought of it a millisecond before you said it out loud, didn't you? The rain and thunder smashed down. And as Andrew sat there, wishing that he could have played in the sun but glad that he avoided the rain he waited for his friends to come back and they never did the truth is in life sometimes it's nice to be able to run out

and enjoy the sun and show off about the glory of bathing. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to be slow and cautious. It's good to take your time. It's good to hang back and wait to see how the day plays out. So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thank you.

The moral of that story is, sometimes it's good to hang back and take your time, because if you do that, all of your friends will die. And you'll be alone. Is that the moral of the story? No, the moral of the story is, all that glistens is not gold. And sometimes, much like the hair in a tortoise...

Don't fucking bring more animals into this. Sometimes you think a little bit like white men can't jump. Sometimes you think you lose, but you actually win. And sometimes you win, but you actually think you lose. Basically, Andrew was Woody Harrelson, who, if I was going to make this into a film, would voice him. Okay. Thank you so much, Tom.

Can I say, on behalf of Tom and myself, that, you know, we won't go on about the origin story of this podcast again, but we genuinely are just fucking about. As much as it might not look like it, we are doing our best. And genuinely, we've had so many

conversations about the idea that a room like this would be full of people coming to see our show. It's genuinely fucking humbling. So on behalf of both of us, I just want to say thank you so much to each and every one of you that's come out tonight. Thank you.

And it's not lost on us that these are tough times and, you know, you spend your money to come and see us, fuck about, you know, that's what I'm going to say. It's very, yeah, it's amazing. It's a proper honour. It genuinely is, like, with Rail Strikes and everything, to come here tonight, see you guys, you know as Romesh said it's very it's amazing it's a proper genuinely with rail strikes and everything to come here tonight

to see you guys like yeah I can't even put that into words so God bless you all thank you for coming thank you so much guys thank you very much for the ball for now

have a safe journey home thank you good night Have a safe journey home. Thank you. Good night.