Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 31: Car De-Icing & Seriously Singing

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

S2 Ep 31: Car De-Icing & Seriously Singing We’re talking… punctual podding, car windscreen de-icing, opticians and eye hankies, the Wolf & Owl singing their hearts out, smelly football shirts, bad... B.O. and growing ears. Then some of your email questions answered on toilet tackle logistics, a problematic father-in-law, making peace with past sins and undignified operations. For questions or comments please email us at wolfowlpod@gmail.com - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List- https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: HELLO@KEEPITLIGHTMEDIA.COM Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola Spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola, with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:00:25 Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor? Knorr has got you. Our new Knorr rice cups deliver all the taste without the prep or wait time. We're talking yummy, creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious, more moreish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes it's not cup food it's good food in a cup visit canora.com to learn more yeah yeah what you want beak or jaws feathers or fur sharp teeth or feet with claws whatever's
Starting point is 00:01:03 preferred they'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing
Starting point is 00:01:24 Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing all you hear is a huff a puff and a expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog welcome to the wealth and our podcast robber shock and aphelion and tom davis Welcome to the Welfare Now podcast, Robert Shulkin, Nathan and Tom Davies. Welcome to a very chilled out podcast. I think this might be... It's not, you know what, I've been chilled recently. It feels like there's something afoot. My laptop's been an absolute prick.
Starting point is 00:01:57 Well, before you get into this, you arrive with me being quite annoyed with you, to be honest with you, until you started a situation because we're recording this, this might be the first time we've recorded an episode before the previous episode we've recorded has come out, which is, which is another desperate attempt for us to sort of claim a first as we don't claim anything else on this. Um, but, um, I text you saying that my garage is freezing. Can you let me know if you're on for half past eight? It's half past eight in the evening.
Starting point is 00:02:30 And you said, yeah, I'm on. And then I sat in this garage. I said, link sent, no reply. Where are you? No reply. Ten minutes later, you log on. You're not fucking ready to go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:02:44 Three minutes later You lie little viper. It was twin. Okay, I'm gonna I Exaggerated slightly we arrange we arrange to start half past. Yeah, there's 33 pass with my laptop on my laptop When you switched it on, you know, you were I don't give a shit when you fucking boot it up This let me just say something, right? I'm not taking all of the blame because my laptop has basically just decided now to be an absolute prick.
Starting point is 00:03:11 Yeah, I didn't know that, though. That's what I'm saying to you. I'm saying to you... Yeah, no, no, yeah, I get that. By the way, how cold is it you're sitting in a... Look at the difference to what we're both wearing. You're wearing one hoodie and a cap. I've got five layers on.
Starting point is 00:03:24 Yeah, so turn up quicker you little rat if you appreciate how cold it can get you know how cold it is outside it's minus four where i am i i i'm gonna tell you now i uh i find de-icing a car incredibly anxiety i just why i just don't like it. What do you do? Do you do it with... Have you got a de-ice property? No, but you just use a spray, right?
Starting point is 00:03:49 No, I don't like using those sprays. Mate, you know what works really well is deep heat. I don't want to massage the vehicle. I'll tell you what is really good. Can I tell you a tip I learned on TikTok? Go on. You get... What?
Starting point is 00:04:02 What are you... Just you, a tip I learned on tick tock mate you are very close you're skiing very close to becoming the new family have you seen them yeah i have seen them yeah yeah that's you and your boys doing tick tock dances i'm very worried about this no that tick i did i haven't done a tick tock dance with the boys for like a year, two years maybe. I've moved out of that game. That desperate. What's trending? What's trending?
Starting point is 00:04:29 Come on, boys. Come on, boys. Get out of bed. My worry is it's going to, because the family have moved into skits now. What does that mean? They're doing little like, like they do a video of Charlie going,
Starting point is 00:04:40 bloody hell, we've got to get down the market. And then you're like, well, i'm trying to de-ice the car do you know oh god that's the problem with those things isn't it is that they start off doing like natural things and just capturing bits then they run out of and then they start writing stuff awful no tell you what they get is they get sponsored they get sponsored ads to do stuff and then thankfully we don't do that um but a tip i learned on Thankfully we don't do that. But a tip I learned on... Fucking sellouts family.
Starting point is 00:05:09 Anyway, a sandwich bag. You know, a sealable sandwich bag with a little thing. Warm water. Close up the sandwich bag. Wipe your windows. Why have you gone quiet? Are you going quiet? Just use a scraper or a credit card.
Starting point is 00:05:26 A credit card? Or a scraper i i don't like to i don't like to you know that what really pisses me off about this is like some there's an inventor somewhere he's going to the painstaking thing of making us inventing a scraper that doesn't scratch your windshield right yeah he's he's tried it loads of different ways of making that work right and then you just literally, you and some pillock on TikTok have concocted this whole thing of a little sandwich bag with some boiling water, and you've completely diminished this poor character's life. Sorry, I'm not going to do something less convenient
Starting point is 00:05:59 in honour of the inventor of the fucking scraper. Things move on, don't they? I would love nothing more. You know what? I'm tempted, mate, to fly us both to a really, really icy, cold country, right? Wait till the morning. We share a hotel room. What a disrespect that would be to the inventor of the ship
Starting point is 00:06:18 that used to allow us to travel across oceans. You've decided to get a plane. I feel sorry for the poor bastard. Spent his years and years inventing a boat that could transport us across. As soon as you discover a plane, you fucking turncoat.
Starting point is 00:06:33 You see how it works? No, no, no, no, no, no. Mate, the guy who invented the ship has done a great thing. I feel sorry for the guys who invented the horse you're getting in your car. What changes this, right?
Starting point is 00:06:44 We go somewhere really cold and icy right yeah we both wake up in the morning you get your little sandwich bag
Starting point is 00:06:51 and your boiling water I get a scraper and we see which is quickest oh that sounds good well we're not going to film that well yeah put on TikTok or something
Starting point is 00:06:59 like that's one of the sort of races that'd be a cool race between us two you don't even drive yeah I know yeah but I've yeah so what are you
Starting point is 00:07:07 telling me how many times have you de-iced a car in your life probably 350 I've done it for my parents done it for like the old couple
Starting point is 00:07:16 who live next door do you know you've actually made yourself look quite sweet yeah the other week it was really icy did Catherine's car yeah
Starting point is 00:07:24 I didn't actually I lent him the scraper but yeah okay yeah i just want the scraper annoying okay and this sandwich bag thing works what about the spray okay why don't you want the spray i just don't worry about it isn't it isn't it like deer piss or something what's your dear piss how many days are wait deers aren't pissing in those cans let me tell you that who would it do you know how many years it takes me to train those deer to fucking aim and piss into those cans you're looking all right for yourself stan what you've got all those nice rings on your antlers no No, I'm earning a fortune, mate.
Starting point is 00:08:06 I've learned how to piss in a can. I can now use it as a de-icer now. I'm pretty sure, bro, I'm pretty sure. Let me have a look. That's not de-icer. De-icer spray. You're thinking of it because it's called de-icer. De-icer sounds like deer. That's what it is.
Starting point is 00:08:21 It can't be de-icer. I've got that on my hand and licked lick my finger so well that's a weird hobby but i i don't know i can't i can't find i can't find the information but right it's not just yeah i mean yeah i mean that i don't want to i don't want to sort of like pal over you and make you feel like insignificant but that's definitely not true mate i don't want to break your dreams on the list of a thousand things that make me feel insignificant, not knowing the exact ingredients of a de-icer is not one of them. I love you.
Starting point is 00:08:59 So, de-icing your car was a problem, was it? No, I just don't like it. Like, when I leave in the morning and then I've got to de-ice the car, it sort of makes me not want to leave. Yeah, but no one wants to leave the house. I would push my journey on by two hours if it meant I didn't have to de-ice the car. Then you've got to wait for the sun. You've got to hope the sun comes out and does its job.
Starting point is 00:09:19 Are you suddenly facing your house where your cars are, or northerly? I've got no idea. Mate, well, you'll know because you're cold, cold the frost because the sun comes around so what you want to do okay yeah well uh tomorrow i'll sit by the window as the sun comes out and see what happens so that i can answer that fucking inane question well you're the one who's crying about the fact he can't do it it's annoying it's as anybody you know what you should do is say to theo phil you want to like get yourself like three quid get up every't de-ice cars. It's annoying. Do you not agree with me? You know what you should do? Say to Theo, Theo, you want to get yourself three quid, get up every morning, de-ice the cars.
Starting point is 00:09:50 I'm not doing that. I'm not living in the fucking Christmas carol, mate. Mate, pocket money's important. It's a good thing. Get little chores going on. Yeah, they do do chores, but the whole thing is I don't want them to do chores that are actually onerous.
Starting point is 00:10:05 Make your game out of it. That's the best one. Like what's the game? Well, say to him, right, tell you what to do today. You get the old scraper,
Starting point is 00:10:12 see how long it takes you. Tomorrow you get the boiling, the boiling water in the sandwich bag trick. The day after you get a little bit of, dear, dear's pissed. Dear, I saw.
Starting point is 00:10:19 Yeah. And then see how you get on. Yeah. And I suggest that to him as an exciting game. And he says, thank you dad for convincing, for confirming that you are the loser
Starting point is 00:10:26 I suspected you were. I'm just saying that it could be like, you know, but if you're commentating from outside or something and you're like, oh, and today's,
Starting point is 00:10:36 you know, the de-icing is quicker than it's ever been. It looks like a boiling bag. It's going to beat the scraper. It's a real, real fast finish here. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have Grace scraper. It's a real fast finish here.
Starting point is 00:10:46 Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have Grace taken away from you. Genuinely. If this is the sort of shit she's got in her future, I think she's better off with someone else. I'm just saying it could be quite fun.
Starting point is 00:11:03 And the crowd go wild Theo is carried aloft by his two brothers you know get the whole family out just cheering him on it'll be quite fun look
Starting point is 00:11:13 the truth is I am lazy and the idea of going out and de-icing the car I just don't like it I actually yeah I actually hate it what do you wear when you go out there?
Starting point is 00:11:24 what do you mean? well normally it's because I'm going to the gym so I actually hate it. What do you wear when you go out there? What do you mean? Well, normally it's because I'm going to the gym, so I've got gym gear on. Yeah. Well, that's hard because you're obviously wearing your gym tights, your shorts, your T-shirt. Yeah. Are you a gym tight man yet?
Starting point is 00:11:37 Are you wearing gym tights in this weather? You will see me wearing gym tights when I've been involved in an accident and no longer have sort of mental control of what I'm wearing. I've started wearing them. I'm not going to lie. Hold on. So you wear gym tights
Starting point is 00:11:51 and then what, shorts over the top? Shorts over the top, yeah. Yeah. And how's that look? I quite like the look. I quite, sorry. Oh shit, you know what I'm saying? I went for an eye test today.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Yeah. I'm getting new glasses. Right. Amazing eye test. Shout out the people at fenley incredible paid for it this isn't a paid ad but they were incredible amazing woman do you know that i didn't know this i have astigmatism in my eyes and you know that rubbing your eye can change the shape of your actual eyeballs if you rub your eyes enough um i rub my eyes quite a lot yeah but it's a really bad thing. You can actually like... Is it?
Starting point is 00:12:25 Yeah. What you should do is like this. It looks like... I mean, okay, just for the benefit... If you could, for once in your life, give concession to the fact that this is an audio format. So what Tom has just done is he's taken a tissue and he's wiped his eyes with the same sort of pressure that you might rub your eyes with no no no no it was a lot softer if you were
Starting point is 00:12:50 here with me you'd see it was a lot softer like imagine what you're gonna do you're gonna have a hanky with you at all times to dab your eyes i don't i number one i actually one of the most fucking saddest things about i know that kovid got in the way but actually when i used to love what you used to see an old gentleman in a pub sort of have a pint and then he'd have a bit of a runny nose and he'd pull a hanky out and give his nose a little rub and then sort of fold it up and put it back i just think that was quite sort of enchanted sort of sort of you know look at i just don't like the idea of having like i know it's not environmentally sound but to then have a dirty hanky in your pocket yeah but i think disgusting weirdly i that
Starting point is 00:13:25 never i never crossed my mind as a thing i think like because you get to the it never gets you like you don't use it if you've got a really snotty nose it's just that little drip you know like the old drunk piss you like when you've had it's cold outside you're in your first pint and then that little bit you'll always get a bit of a snotty nose little dribs yeah yeah yeah i think it's just for that and then also obviously if you you can have two hankies one for your eyes one for your nose I might just start carrying a little
Starting point is 00:13:47 eyeball hanky that'd be quite a cool thing I'd look a bit like a Bond villain when I brought it up and just stroked my eye
Starting point is 00:13:54 I couldn't do that because somebody goes his eyes are so messed up he's got to have a special handkerchief for him
Starting point is 00:13:58 I can't do I can't do that kind of I actually think you'd be pretty cool doing that I can see you having like a
Starting point is 00:14:03 really drippy fucking hanky mate you'd look so cool with a fucking hanky out your back pocket or something I played I actually played you'd be pretty cool doing that. I can see you having like a really drippy fucking hanky. Mate, you'd look so cool with a fucking hanky out your back pocket or something. I actually played with the idea of having an eye patch. You know what? I was about to pour squorn on it, and I thought actually, no, you'd be cool. But I actually respect the fact you don't,
Starting point is 00:14:16 but you would look cool with an eye patch. Yeah. I've tried that in my later years. I think probably as I age, this eyelid is going to droop. So if it gets too bad, I could either have surgery age this eyelid is going to droop so if it gets too bad i could either have surgery i'm just going to get a little eye patch over the yeah it could be like your first sort of like hit song everything droops everything droops baby everything goes everything falls and everybody knows the things what's happened to you today
Starting point is 00:14:40 what's happened to you today what i'm just singing where did that come from i was you know where it is on the way home i was watching tom grennan tom grennan i love him yeah i saw that you posted on instagram god his voice is just delicious it's delightful he's incredible he's like you know like you know derma hit him right you know these these singers yeah shout out derma you know they like they they're just like when do they when do you like have the that moment when they're singing something and they've got that fucking incredible voice but then just all of a sudden they just
Starting point is 00:15:14 fucking lift up yeah and it's like when do they first try that and then go oh no like like to have the like if i if i if ever i sing like karaoke whatever, I'm always like, yeah. It's not so easy. I've never got that. Hold on a sec, though, because the truth is, I've never thought I could sing, right? Yeah. So then when you try and sing, you never really go for it.
Starting point is 00:15:37 So why don't we actually now do an experiment of trying to sing the best that we possibly can, all right? Yeah. All right. What was too recent oh sure well let's have a look at some lyrics what song should we what song should we go i mean look this feels like it's you got your texas now where are you i love you uh right uh girl so what's the song right should we sing who who's a good person to jump on well it needs to be something i know
Starting point is 00:16:03 the tune of well look why don't you pick a song and I'll pick a song alright we don't have to do the same one so just like you choose a song now
Starting point is 00:16:10 and then right today something is coming Kong Godzilla they can feel it fight together or face extinction Godzilla Kong Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together.
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Starting point is 00:16:39 Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis.
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Starting point is 00:17:38 I'm actually quite nervous. Yeah, me too. It's mad that we're just sitting here together and actually it feels right. I'm going to go for that opening to Giants, right? Okay. us yeah me too it's mad that we're just sitting here together and actually it feels right i'm gonna go for this this that that opening to giants right okay right okay it's so hard how close are you getting the mic are i'll be yours you know i never forgot see like that's like i feel as soon as i start doing that i feel ridiculous
Starting point is 00:18:16 in my head i think i know i'm dreading listening to that back we used to be was that you trying when do we stop to say the word and I'll be yours you know we never forgot oh my god Dermot
Starting point is 00:18:33 shout out Dermot Kennedy that guy's a legend right okay you've got you've got
Starting point is 00:18:37 rhythm though okay I've heard you rap you can sit right okay you know what I know what
Starting point is 00:18:41 you're doing right now you're looking at this shit and you're ready to go in I'm gonna sing fantasy by Mariah Carey okay oh Okay, you know what I know you're doing right now. You're looking at this shit and you're ready to go in
Starting point is 00:18:48 I'm gonna sing fantasy by Mariah Carey. Okay. Oh Okay ready When you walk by every night talking sweet and looking fine I get kinda hectic inside Oh, baby. I'm so into you darling if you only knew all the things that flow through my mind but it's just a sweet sweet fantasy baby when i close my eyes you come and Okay, that's it. That was... You know what? That was... The start of that was banging. It's so fucking... Oh, mate, it's so hard. I actually...
Starting point is 00:19:33 Do you know what? Can I say something tragic? There was part of me that thought I might nail that. Yeah, I mean, it's so hard. I look at Dermot now... Maybe Mariah Carey with an eight-octave range wasn't the one to go for. You're going to try a different one.
Starting point is 00:19:45 When did we start? Why don't we try a different one? Say the word and I'll be yours. You know you never forgot. We were sung in the silence. But time catches up. Just say the word and I'll be yours. You know I never forgot.
Starting point is 00:20:02 It's so hard. Singing is hard, right? Okay, I'm going to try a different one really sleep inside the eye of your mind don't you know you might find a better place to play i can't even get the fucking tune right. So I saw a revolution from my bed. Mate, you sound, look, fantasy sound alright. You sound there like a drunk guy at a party, any party, good party. And so Sally can wait. She knows it's too late and we're walking on by.
Starting point is 00:20:42 Her soul slides away down the back in anger I heard you say oh man that honestly like I have so much more respect I love
Starting point is 00:20:59 I love listening to someone who can bang out a ballad that would be my to your what you feel about hip hop I love listening to someone who can bang out a ballad that would be my to your what you what you feel about hip-hop i love listening to somebody who can bang out i would just say you know like when these guys just fucking just start just imagine having that in your locker and then imagine not imagine having a voice like that and not being a singer right you're at a party and then somebody puts a song on and then you know like when these people like people get drunk or they've had a couple of lines or whatever they start like singing along to stuff and then you just fucking bust out oh my god can you imagine do you know one of the most incredible i don't i don't think
Starting point is 00:21:32 i've talked about this on the podcast one of the most incredible things i've ever seen right when we played in soccer aid that dermot kennedy right yeah there's loads of musicians there and everyone sort of people brought out some guitars and some people were pretty good and you know and Dermot Kennedy he's having a drink he's having a chat he's genuinely one of the nicest guys we've ever met
Starting point is 00:21:48 and all of a sudden he gets the guitar right and he sings that song the Michael Bolton song you don't know what it's like yeah
Starting point is 00:21:59 yeah right it is genuinely I've got a video I was standing with Sterling at the time and we're both like oh my this is the whole room just went quiet isn't one of the most incredible like imagine like me like mine and your version of that is going here's an observation about
Starting point is 00:22:14 slipping over on some cold so tell me this who's ordering sparkling water guys And then just literally behind you. I love you baby. Yeah, it's amazing. It's like to be able to sing. Something bad happened to me. Not something bad. Something annoying happened to me so i went to washington united on sunday right and what a game by the way yeah the younger two boys my our younger two sons it was their first ever time watching football live wow what a moment mate that was i'm going to tell you now magic right proper that is proper also can i just say right yeah it being as cold as it was almost adds to the sort of theater of it all right i totally agree like i totally see that like you know being able to see your own breath
Starting point is 00:23:11 that amazing stadium a nice big jacket on just standing out on the terraces pull out a hanky get rid of that little nose dribble and tuck into a feast of football um Oh, mate. On the way in, I took them to the armory, which is the name of the Arsenal merch shop. Yeah. And they wanted shirts. Of course. So I was carried away in the magic of the day,
Starting point is 00:23:34 so I bought them shirts. I bought an Arsenal shirt. For yourself? For myself. Can I just say, by the way, aside Arsenal, I don't think there's another, I don't think men of our age
Starting point is 00:23:44 can wear a football shirt. Well, I don't think men of our age can wear a football shirt. Well, I don't think men of our age can wear a football shirt full stop, actually. I'm going to say that. No, but I think Arsenal, weirdly, their shirts look banging. They're designed very... Adidas have done a fucking sterling job of making them incredibly... They look... They can look very fashionable.
Starting point is 00:23:59 Here's a question for you. What do you think of, like, the Arsenal... Like, not just the Arsenal. Football merch that isn't the shirt. What's your take on that? question for you what do you think of like the arsenal like not just the arsenal football merch that isn't the shirt what's your take on that like if you if i rocked up and i had like an an arsenal an arsenal coat on what would be your response to that genuinely there used to be a guy um who not around where i grew up called andy arsenal and he used to wear everything he wore was arsenal like literally throughout the whole year he'd like wear a full kit in the summer yeah and then he'd wear like sort of like you know the big
Starting point is 00:24:28 arsene wenger coat in the winter yeah um so that always look and i genuinely mean this i'm not just saying this whenever i also do a drop of that sort of merch it feels like that like they've always got someone amazing attached to it it always looks looks, it is a whole, if I was to meet you up, right. And I had a West Ham manager's jacket on. And then if you text me and say, I never want to see you or speak to you again, I'd go fair enough.
Starting point is 00:24:54 That's like, cause it looks still very light. It just doesn't got anything cool about it. You've got no, it doesn't look drippy at all. Arsenal wise, they seem to, they seem to realise that actually there's a lot of money in fashion and football they're only arsenal juventus maybe right right right
Starting point is 00:25:11 so so anyway i bought an arsenal shirt yeah last night name on the back no no name on the back so last night i decided to just throw it on for a little game with lisa no really just i just decided to throw it on were you playing uh sacco and she was playing look sure and you were just running out oh my god anyway i put the shirt on it was at the end of the day and i thought hell i punk a bit and then i realized i'd punk a bit yeah I realised the shirt smelt of BO. Oh, man. Yeah. That's mad, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:25:58 No, it's not. You know what's happened? What? Someone's tried it on. Oh, yeah, you reckon? Well done, Sherlock. Or... What the fuck? No, or...
Starting point is 00:26:04 Or even worse than that yeah someone's brought it and brought it back yeah i think that's what happened and taking it to their house and yeah but don't these don't have it on for a bit i guess i haven't got time but don't people smell they can't wash them because no yeah but they can't what they don't want to wash it but what i mean is like if you take the shirt back you're checking that it's like as sold right mate they've literally like you know how busy it is on match day someone comes in literally gives them a shirt and goes oh can i just change this for another size they don't have time to like look for like stains and stuff on it
Starting point is 00:26:32 or smell it and you know and then smell it okay here's my next question for you do you return that shirt or do you wash it look it's i mean i'd personally probably return it have you taken the labels and everything off it yeah no then you've got to wash it you're done some of this you've got hope as well that's not
Starting point is 00:26:51 chronic BO because you won't get out of a football shirt oh god it's going to be like Seinfeld's car isn't it
Starting point is 00:26:56 yeah it could well be like Seinfeld's car talking of BO I had shocking BO the other day yeah
Starting point is 00:27:02 yeah yeah I literally had you know one of those days where i'm like woke up went to the gym had a proper workout did a bit of work then thought i was going to go for a run then then i just was like right you know we've got like a couple of rooms that i needed to sort shit out where i've been away so i was like short sorting out and then katherine came in with grace and i sort of like you know gave him a color when they came in and catherine was like oh my god i literally looked like disgusted grace's face has turned away from me i smelt my armpits and
Starting point is 00:27:34 i was like like the smell was just so embarrassing i felt mortified really that that might be yeah my daughter might remember that yeah oh no katherine said that fucking stinks like yeah it was disgusting it was fucking embarrassing man yeah i i think i've talked about some podcasts before but i've not worn ever worn deodorant in my adult life i i can't get i can't get just can't get my head around that maybe i do stink and i don't realize no you don't you all smell nice to be fair i've never to be fair i don't realise. No, you don't. You all smell nice. To be fair, I've never... To be fair, I don't think you smell amazing or you don't smell disgusting. Okay, that fuck you.
Starting point is 00:28:08 No, I've never noticed a scent on you. I've noticed when you've got a little bit of, like, sort of aftershave on, right? I wear aftershave every day. Or a bit of beard oil. Yeah, yeah. I wear aftershave and beard oil every day of my life. Even when I'm not leaving the house,
Starting point is 00:28:24 I put after to shaving beard. But sometimes smell wise you're quite asexual. Like, sometimes I like hug you and stuff and go, oh, there's like no aroma. Where I'm the,
Starting point is 00:28:39 I've rendered the scale. I either stink either one way or another. So you've never known me to smell nice? No, I've stink one way or another. So you've never known me to smell nice? No, I've known you to smell nice. I said I've never
Starting point is 00:28:49 known you to smell disgusting. I've known you to smell amazing. But sometimes I smell you and I'm like, oh, there's no aroma at all here.
Starting point is 00:28:56 Like you'd be an amazing cat burglar. That's what I'm trying to say. Do you remember when you looked in my ear and had a bit of dry skin in there
Starting point is 00:29:01 and then you said, do you ever get dry skin in your ears? No, I don't remember that. You did do that. I get really dry ears. That is the closest I've seen to, I think this guy's a snide.
Starting point is 00:29:19 I saw that as an affliction and I thought I don't want him to feel bad about it so I'll say that I get the same thing. Which I do i get my ears are an absolute nightmare i don't think my ears will last as long as i was a human being do you know the thing that i get very nervous about is i'm you know your nose and ears don't ever stop growing yeah yeah yeah i i don't want these to get any bigger okay it's like a It's like a proper fear of mine. If I found something that could stop that happening,
Starting point is 00:29:48 like a pill that you could take to stop your ears and nose growing. But they don't grow that much bigger. They do. They do. Otherwise, every old person who walks past would look like fucking… No, the rest, number one, it's not medically being sound because the rest of your body shrinks around your nose and ears. Your nose and ears just don't shrink as much as everything else okay like otherwise everyone
Starting point is 00:30:09 you see would look like fucking hobbits or something they'd have massive ears they do tend to be proportionately bigger don't they mate i saw an old lady today had the sweetest button nose i've ever seen really yeah if you were to round up a thousand old people i bet you go oh he's got a big nose but then five small noses, two big noses. It's just down to human genetics, isn't it? I don't think it's... I wouldn't lose any sleep over that, mate. Okay.
Starting point is 00:30:33 Well, I do lose... I don't lose sleep over it, but... I'd be more worried about fucking your ice scraper shit than... What do you mean, worried about it? Well, no. No, just fucking get out and use your scraper. Or, you know, don't worry too much about your nose and ears growing okay it does continue if anything i actually sometimes look at you think
Starting point is 00:30:50 actually your ears could do a bit a bit bigger no they're not no they're absolutely there i'm at capacity i'm at capacity um okay should we do some emails? Yeah, please. Okay. I'm with you, baby. Thanks once again to the swan for selecting emails for us. This is from the concerned cockatoo. It says, Hey, Wolf, Alcat, Swan. I'm a great admirer of all your work. You are all beautiful people. I'd be up for a pint anytime.
Starting point is 00:31:18 So here's the thing. My wife was having a bath and I, as I often do, disrupted her chill time with some toilet time what okay i whipped my bits out and had a piss didn't think anything of it relaxed into it and out the corner of my eye see her peering around whoa she said you get your balls out too i've been reading that only serial killers do that so my question is is it strange to get your balls out when you're having a piss i've always done this i think makes for good clean flow to leave them in would surely be chaos in my opinion i don't know which way is up or down right now could really use some help thanks guys you do
Starting point is 00:31:48 you lots of love the concerned cockatoo number one i i'm i find that insane that you go for piss when your wife's in the bath that's that i'm going to be honest with you that's the bigger issue for me yeah that's the much bigger issue for like i know that like it sort of seems to sort of like smoothly sort of sailed over that but that's good lessons like like that genuinely i think i don't think there'll be a way back for me if i'm gonna if i did that i think it would be over if i if i went and took a piss yeah yeah if catherine was having a bath and i went in and took a great big piss yeah like that would just be insane um but balls out or how mad i can't even think i don't think i bring my balls out i think i i no i certainly don't you leave your
Starting point is 00:32:34 balls in your pants hold on let's let's just think about the actual logistics of this so you go you stand at urinal you stand at your vinyl? You undo your trousers. I'm a stall guy. Yeah, yeah, fine. But let's assume that he... I don't mess with your vinyl. It sounds like he's standing up. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:52 No, I don't sit, but I stand. But, yeah. Okay, fine. So, he undoes his trousers. You take your boxer shorts off. And you put them... You put the waist... Do you pull your boxer shorts down?
Starting point is 00:33:04 Did you say? Not pull your boxer shorts down down but you obviously got to move them out of the way i'm not pissing through the little flap so no no i'll say you said you pulled them like you have yeah you pull them down under your bottom and then you go for it no um you you you put so you put the waistband yeah underneath your dick i don't know i can't think i can't either but that seems mad to me now that we're saying that don't do it now please don't do it now i'll just fucking maybe do pull my balls out i think i pull my balls out that's what i i when i first read this i thought i don't know now because but number one also i don't think there's a world where one of the things that they test serial killers on
Starting point is 00:33:45 is like they go, all right, you know, well, we're just going to run you this, and they fucking get Ted Bundy and make him go out of the piss and go, oh, look, there we go. I don't think it's submissible in court. No. But I do, yeah, I think I, you know, if I'm in a rush, it's just,
Starting point is 00:34:04 I kind of see where it's coming from with the flow thing if you want to let it flow I think at night certainly if I'm in my own house I'll pull the balls will come out as well if I'm at my own house it's the middle of the night I sit down thank you very much
Starting point is 00:34:19 I can't trust myself to be awake enough what I don't want to do is have an accident you know what I mean yeah we've all done that so listen in answer to your question I can't trust myself to be awake enough. What I don't want to do is have an accident. You know what I mean? Yeah, we've all done that. So listen, in answer to your question, I think I get my balls out. Tom's pretty sure he does as well.
Starting point is 00:34:35 But do not piss in front of your wife. Yeah, I think that would be a big red flag for Big T, don't you? We keep doing you apart from the piss in front of your wife. Just keep doing you apart from that bit. Well, you can still do that if you want if you ask all right with it then what businesses have advanced uh good luck though mate uh email in do you balls in or balls out let us know at will fall back i was about to say something you're about to say i know i know and even you even you with your tragic set of, even you knew that was a step too far. Okay, this is from Salty Centipede. Hello, Wolf and Owl and Lovely Swan. Salty Centipede. Hello, Wolf and Owl and Lovely Swan.
Starting point is 00:35:25 Salty Centipede here. Love the pod and I'm in need of some sweet, sweet advice. I'm 23 and I've lived with my boyfriend for nearly four years. He's 27 for three-ish years now. My boyfriend of nearly four years. He's 27 for three-ish years now. We're both usually happy and susceptible adults, but in very different fields.
Starting point is 00:35:41 I'm a musician, gigging all around the country and abroad. He is a high-ranking professional at a hospital. My family are creative, unruly and bohemian sorts. Straight away, I love these two as a pair. Yeah, of course you do. My family are creative, unruly and bohemian sorts. His family are very middle England. Initially, this wasn't an issue to me, as all people are good people, and I did my best impression of a normal and polite individual every time we met. Oh, God. Actually, genuinely, I feel like i'm melting a bit by this email i'm very okay is it right to get through it yeah yeah um but like it was just tell me metal i'm a very naturally very bubbly person and i
Starting point is 00:36:16 always feel like i should suppress that in their company recently we all went out to lunch together where his father scolded me in front of everyone after he'd asked my partner if he'd like another drink as my partner was driving everyone i looked at him wide-eyed and said to him quietly is that your second his father then said could he not speak for himself and he rolled his eyes at me and walked away to buy him the second pint it's worth mentioning here that i believe his father has very little respect for women in general and likes to rule by fear instead of respect when my partner and his siblings were young i also think he'd prefer if i was seen and not heard and if it's his son he's come to see me not
Starting point is 00:36:48 he's come to see not me of course his feeling is from the other small things he has done not this particular incident alone my question is what do i do now my family love my boyfriend and love to hear anything he has to say so it's really hard for me to feel so separate and unseen i spoke to my partner about it and the general feeling was that's my dad, what can you do? We all know what he's like. I'm now certain my father in all things I'm overbearing and bossy and this will weigh on my mind at every interaction in the future. I'm already altering my personality in their presence and now I feel as though
Starting point is 00:37:13 I should rarely speak or the fallout would be nuclear. I've seen him fall out with various other family members. Any advice? Welcome. Have you had this before? Thanks again. Sally Centipede. Tom Davis. Yo, number one. never ever ever let any prick take the fizz out your champagne girl because that straight away uh this guy this father sounds an absolute fucking helmet of the first order and sounds like a yeah like number one like that just fucking pisses me off on the basis that
Starting point is 00:37:48 you know the whole drink driving thing and it's sort of like oh no he knows what he can have and like you're making you know if anything you're you're being responsible i i i throughout my life if i'm honest with you i've i've i've felt like this type thing where you're in situations like fortunately enough, not now as such, but where I've been in relationships with friends, you know, girlfriends, whatever over the years, and you feel like how you are and as loud as you might be, or, you know, can be sometimes kicked to the curb
Starting point is 00:38:22 a little bit and you can feel a little bit, yeah, like you've got to alter who you are and to that i say like it's like this is generally is the worst thing you can do because you said you know i don't say this lightly and i know you know but you sound like just the way you've written the email you sound like an incredible person who's got a good heart and and you care a lot for your boyfriend i'd really really urge you to try not to let this impact your relationship too much i know that you know and i think having an open conversation with your boyfriend about you know him just saying oh that's my dad that's how he is like that is the it's the most amount of bullshit that you can make for a person when they're
Starting point is 00:39:01 that rude it's the word it's my it's my one of my pet peeves is people going oh let's just see because if we all just went with that everyone could just walk around being an absolute and we just all just like that in society would just be an awful place to live like it's not good enough just to turn around and go that's just how he is and and i see him you know it's not and if he's falling out with other people of other family members it's just confirmation that he is a fucking atomic prick who doesn't you know and he's probably compensating for all the shit that he's had to put up with in his life but it's not cool to make you feel the way you are um that said i think sometimes without you changing sometimes you just have to distance yourself a little bit from the situation sometimes you just without changing who you are you kind of have to it's your boyfriend's fight to fight and at some point
Starting point is 00:39:49 whether that's from what you say or whether his dad crosses the line too much he'll he'll learn to sort of have the courage in his own conviction and and speak up i've you know i've had to do it in situ i've talked about it on here with, with my own, with my parents. And it's a, it's a hard dynamic with in-laws and yeah. Cause you find love with someone and that, that person that you bring into your life is,
Starting point is 00:40:14 is all well and good. And that's the decision too, if you make, but then there's ramifications across friends and family and loved ones. And they're not always going to find the same thing you have. Um, but that's, that's his battle to fight. Anyway've i've trusted on longer than i was you sound amazing you're a sweet sweet soul keep doing you uh salty centipede uh i sort of i just sort of echo from that tom says
Starting point is 00:40:38 the guy sounds like an absolute bell piece um and you kind of you said something which was out of concern you know not wanting your partner to drink drive and your father has been an absolute prick about it so look if that was me it's difficult like you know if my dad spoke to my other half like that i would say something but to my other half like that, I would say something, but you know, I had a relationship with my dad, my dad's passed away, obviously, but I had a relationship with my dad where, you know, he would be, he, he, he wasn't as authoritarian as that. So if I said to him, dad, that's out of line, he would sort of accept it from me. Do you know what I mean? Like not accept it from me, but like we had that kind of relationship where that would be okay. It doesn't sound like your partner has that relationship with his dad. Having said all of that is a very real problem that you feel uncomfortable and you are, uh,
Starting point is 00:41:34 you sound like an, you know, a free spirit, somebody that's bubbly, somebody that likes to chat and you don't, and you feel like you're having your wings clipped, uh, when you're in this situation. And I don't think that's fair. And I think, you know, you need having your wings clipped uh when you're in this situation and i don't think that's fair and i think you know you need to be sort of celebrated do you know what i mean by your partner and their family it's like you know it's a politeness thing isn't it if anything i mean like you know i think that's the opposite of what you should be doing like you know if anything when you have a guest you just kind of let them do what they want to do do you mean and then you can obviously you can slag them off afterwards but in the moment be polite i just
Starting point is 00:42:04 think that he's getting this the wrong way around. And I think your boyfriend's getting it the wrong way around slightly as well. So having said all of that, you don't know what the background of your partner's relationship with their dad is. And like people have difficult, troubled relationships. And some people, you know, I was lucky enough to have a father who, I mean, he was an absolute fucking nightmare to be honest with you. But in terms of that side of things, he was incredibly affectionate and i could chat to him and i could
Starting point is 00:42:28 talk to him about anything some people don't have that relationship with their fathers or their mothers you know so you do have to appreciate that your it sounds like you probably got a different relationship with your parents than he's got with his so my first portal call would be your other half and just to say look this, this is how I feel about it. And then see what actually wants to take about it, if at all. But I do think it needs sorting out because the truth of it is, is I'm telling you something that's in a long-term relationship. If you are having that feeling now, you're going to start not wanting to go. And then you're going to start going, you go without me.
Starting point is 00:43:03 And then you're going to get into a point where you don't know his family as well because you feel uncomfortable going and then he'll still start feeling uncomfortable about going because you know you won't go you know it just can escalate so it's better off to sort this out now to sort of nip that kind of thing in the bud because what you don't want is years down the line have a situation where relationships have been eroded because of you know this kind of misunderstanding so good luck with it salty center pd you're not in the wrong at all uh he's been a prick uh i hope i wish you the very best of luck in dealing with it amen amen beautiful stuff
Starting point is 00:43:43 hello darlings this is is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1, streaming on Disney+.
Starting point is 00:44:13 What's better than getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin? Getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax. For a limited time, only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin at participating McDonald4 plus tax. For a limited time, only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin. At participating McDonald's in Canada, prices exclude delivery. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share. To each other.
Starting point is 00:44:38 I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo. The spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the big top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West.
Starting point is 00:44:51 Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partner Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. This is from the Aquatic Mongoose. Wow.
Starting point is 00:45:09 This is a bit of a deep one. Okay. Dear the wolf, owl, swan, and cat, I moved away from the UK a year and a half ago, not long before I left. I got into my first proper relationship, but we broke up when I moved. After a few months, we got back together,
Starting point is 00:45:22 and I'm thrilled to report we've now been going strong, long distance for over a year now. I can safely say that I'm deeply in love with her and I'm confident she is the same with me. But before we first broke up and while we were apart, my immaturity, arrogance and stubbornness combined with a period of bad mental health resulted in me saying stupid, stupid things and acting like a complete and utter asshole. My question to you is how can I forgive myself for the way I've treated her in the past, if forgiving is even appropriate? I know I'm a better person now, but sometimes when I think of her, I'll for the way I've treated her in the past? If forgiving is even appropriate. I know I'm a better person now, but sometimes when I think of her,
Starting point is 00:45:48 I'll remember the way I've hurt her in the past. And it really is unbearable. She is a pure, sweet soul. And the fact that she can still look at me the way she does is a testament to how good of a person she is. God, this is magic. Sorry for quite an intense email. Thank you so much for the podcast.
Starting point is 00:46:01 You guys have made me laugh through some difficult times. All the best. The aquatic mongoose. Aquatic, aquatic. Tom. Aquatic mongoose. My guy. Number one, I think it's testament to you that you can own up and realize that the behavior that you had was not you and you're not proud of it. And you can admit fault. I think that that's the thing of moving forward in any scenario, in any situation, is knowing that you've been wrong and knowing that you've done something that you can,
Starting point is 00:46:33 you're culpable for what you've done. And I think, like, you know, as you navigate your way through life, I think it's a really important thing, number one, to apologise for things that you believe are wrong but number two i think to to give yourself a bit of a break once you've once you've made your peace with that person once you've you've had the discussion that you've had if you've apologized to her and she's seen through that and recognize that the person being that you know immature and that arrogant and that the person being that, you know,
Starting point is 00:47:07 immature and that arrogant and that horrible wasn't you. And that's not a place you ever want to go back to. And I think every time if, if you feel that that sort of behavior is going back, you, you, you remember quite how it made her feel and make this made you feel, I think it's a real, it could be a real pillar in,
Starting point is 00:47:24 in you becoming the sort of man that you you want to become so i think um i'd say go easy on yourself i'd say make sure that never happens again best you can but um you know the best friend you can ever have is the friend you make within yourself so give yourself a pat on the back, move forward, move on. And every time you think, I want to be a decade, just remember those decade actions have ramifications that ripple across the world. Um, aquatic mongoose, uh, here's the situation. You said some bad shit.
Starting point is 00:48:04 You're a prick in your words. I don't know what you said, but you have been forgiven. Uh, as far as I can tell, the problem that you've got is that the only thing that will fully make you feel better about this is if you could reverse time and undo what you said. And unfortunately that is not an option. You are not in control of what happened in the past. What you are in control of is what happens in the future so my advice to you is you've both moved beyond it you know that you did that you might be aware of the triggers that led to you behaving like that you need to avoid those triggers or have better coping strategy for dealing with those triggers and you need to make sure you treat your other half
Starting point is 00:48:45 like the absolute legend that she seems to be. So, yeah, I think that what you need to do is just make sure that going forward, you are the best person that you can possibly be. That's all you can do, man. And that is the best thing you can do. And that is enough. You've been forgiven.
Starting point is 00:49:01 You've apologized. You're moving on. You're in a relationship together, make that relationship as good as you can possibly make it, man. And that is the best thing that you can possibly do. Um, there is no point. I know it's easier said than done, but there is no point going back to that. I've done those things. You know, like I've said things in the past, I've done things in the past in all sorts of relationships that I really regretted. You, you will always feel a bit bad about that.
Starting point is 00:49:27 That is just how life is, do you know what I mean? Because you're a decent person and, you know, decent people feel bad for things they've done in the past, but you can't change that. So you just have to look forward and be the best person that you can for her and for yourself. Yeah, so I wish you the very best of luck. It sounds like you're suitably remorseful,
Starting point is 00:49:48 so give yourself a break, man. You've got a second chance. Don't waste it. Good luck. Do you know, I just thought of like saying, and you can quote me on this. Yeah. We can't take back the bullets we've already fired,
Starting point is 00:50:00 but we can put down the gun. Cool. So you didn't listen to a fucking word I said then, no? You were just thinking about this little gun analogy. I did listen to it. I thought it was amazing. I thought it was beautiful advice. You were smiling and I thought,
Starting point is 00:50:13 oh, you must really be enjoying the advice. But actually it's you fucking putting together this fucking gun analogy and getting excited about dropping it. No, no. I just thought like, no, it was nice. I thought it was beautiful advice
Starting point is 00:50:25 i thought it's really really nice okay should we do one more heartfelt yeah let's do one more i mean as always i just as you were talking i just thought oh wow that's funny let me think of a way of bringing this back to me yeah i get it yeah you know but also we could put it on t-shirts just saying yeah we could do we could hopefully they'll sell as well as party rom Hopefully they'll sell as well as party rum. From the White Dove. Hello, Mighty Wolf and Wise Al. Many thanks to the Swan if this email is read out.
Starting point is 00:50:53 I recently had surgery on my knee following a sports injury. Before the operation, I was given some hospital garms to change into. I disappeared off into the toilet to put these on, not thinking anything of it. The operation all went well. Once the anaesthetic had worn off, I got changed back into my own clothes on the the ward the nurse asked me if i was the type of guy who doesn't wear pants confused i replied of course not thinking it was some sort of weird chat up line i would occasionally reply it's just that patients normally wear their boxers under the gown the embarrassment immediately shot through my body and instantly i realized why all the nurses underneath has been looking at me oddly the family jewels have been in plain view for all to see.
Starting point is 00:51:25 Caged up in the net pants they'd given me like some sort of deep sea catch. Oh my lord. Mortified, I made my way out of the hospital to head home, catching the eye of all the staff on the way out. I didn't count my unwashed junk just hours later. Earlier, sorry.
Starting point is 00:51:37 My question to you. Okay, that's not the question. What is the most embarrassing situation you've been in that you're willing to share on a podcast? Also, how did you cope with the embarrassment after? Absolutely love the pod and all of your stuff on TV. Muchos love, TheWhiteDove. Thank you, Swan, for once again selecting an email
Starting point is 00:51:54 that we should have had some prep time to think about. Okay, go on. I had a similar situation to this one. Wrong note of story. I don't think I've told it on the podcast but um i was having an operation done and uh unlike you said like they gave me the net pants to wear but i decided to wear my boxer shorts instead um and uh went in for the operation um number one one of the most indignifying things was the fact that when the porter came in to take me to the operation, he looked me up and down and looked to the sides of me, sighed, walked off and basically came back with three other guys
Starting point is 00:52:35 that he'd fucking roped in, other porters, because they had to fucking turn me over and carry me during the thing. Which is quite indignifying, knowing that it conversation that took past like behind my back where someone walks over and going it's just a massive whale of a man that we need to turn over i can't do it on my own anyhow the operation happens and i wake up from the anesthetic a bit groggy and as i'm waking up i'm sort of like having a little sort of like reach around just to make sure I'm okay you know everything's all right and I put my hands down by my balls and everything and realized that I'm actually naked underneath the gown my pants have gone um and I sort of kicked off about it quite sort of saying like what's happened like why haven't I got any underpants did it this is some sort of fucking joke. And I was really, really like embarrassed about the whole thing.
Starting point is 00:53:28 And I'm embarrassed at the thought of people seeing my fucking pathetic dick and my shitty balls. And the nurse turned around and said, you voided your bowel when you were in your, basically I'd shat myself when I was asleep. And they'd had to take off my pants and I had to play, had times,
Starting point is 00:53:47 yeah. It was like one of the most indignifying things and I was like, can I have them? She was like, do you want them back? Because we were just going to
Starting point is 00:53:56 throw them away. I was like, no, no, no, no, you can throw them away. Yeah, it was quite an indignifying story. I mean, I was told most of the other
Starting point is 00:54:04 embarrassing stories on this podcast. It's sort of made a career out of it. Um, my slightly embarrassing story is quite disgusting. Actually. I was, um, having sex, uh, with a girl and, uh, we were really getting into it. We were really getting into it and, um, sort of midway through the act, I was, I was, um, on the edge of pain, but I continued to plow through it. And I plowed through my own frenulum, which is the little bit of skin underneath the dick that sort of attaches your foreskin to your, uh, and basically I got a really sharp pain and then, uh, the lights were off as is the
Starting point is 00:54:53 way that I like sex and, um, I suddenly felt blood sort of just pouring out of my dick. I turned the light on and it was like a fucking horror film. There was just blood all over the place and there's just blood coming out of my penis everywhere. And so I, I said, I'm, I think I'm going to pass out. I think I'm going to pass out. It was really embarrassing.
Starting point is 00:55:17 It's really embarrassing. Like I massively overreacted and I say overreacted, you know, blood was coming out of my dick at quite a fast rate. I think I probably reacted. It's because you're aroused in the heart rate. Yeah. And, uh, luckily she stayed calm. I seen because she wasn't aroused.
Starting point is 00:55:33 And so I then called, uh, one, one, one. And they said, well, keep an eye on it. And, uh, if you need it sorted out, then you need to go to the you go to the doctors anyway i stuffed i sort of created a kind of a tissue kind of a sort of a homemade kind of tissue cast for my penis and then i went to sleep uh the next morning i woke up and, uh, the only, the doctor I was registered with was our family doctor that had known me since I was a kid. So I made the appointment, um, to see the doctor.
Starting point is 00:56:16 Obviously you don't speak to the doctor, then you speak to a receptionist. And I underwent like a lot of anxiety about going to see the doctor. Anyway, the doctor said, uh, hello, Ramesh. Uh, how's mom? How's dad? I said, yeah, fine. Thank you. He goes take a seat.
Starting point is 00:56:32 Uh, what seems to be the problem? And I said, um, I was having sex and I've ripped my penis and he said, okay, let's have a look and then I had to get my dick out in front of a guy whose kid I went to school with. Right. And so I lay on the thing. I got my penis out and he sort of lifted it. He lifted it up to see where the, what the situation was. And, uh, he said, oh, that's fine.
Starting point is 00:57:04 Just leave it. And then'm really insane that i've been in this situation are you serious yeah i've like i'm literally listening like it's insane so anyway it must happen it must be quite common i guess i don't know if it's a writer i've never talked about it yeah i think right so what happened then what happened then? Where he just left it? He just left it. I went out for drinks the next night and I think alcohol's bad for it. Cause like, I think, I don't know what happened, but like midway, I was at a bar and then I went to the toilet and my, my penis started doing it again.
Starting point is 00:57:39 So then I had to use like the tissue in this bar to fashion another bandage. And then I spent the rest, obviously I couldn't tell anybody what happened apart from the girl I was with. I just had, you know, imagine being a not on a night out with your other half. And he just says, my pain is this bleeding again. Anyway, so that's an ending really, but that is what happened. Anyway, go on. I had, I had a similar thing. Um, it was a lot young, like a young guy in my early twenties and ended up going,
Starting point is 00:58:08 like we'd all been out one night, partying, whatever. I'd fancied this girl for ages and went back to her house. Yeah. And was like, and she lived on an estate out the way from where I lived. And it was like quite known as quite a rough estate.
Starting point is 00:58:21 And we go back to hers. And number one, I remember like the one of the most annoying things is she had a pet staff. So we're still getting it on, but the staff gets on getting into bed with us, which is absolutely fucking terrifying because he was sort of growling quite a lot. Anyway,
Starting point is 00:58:36 as sort of like we were like getting on and she was, she was having a little play around. She, I thought I've always thought it was the fact that she had rings on. Yeah. I felt that pain that you felt. Yeah. And then fucking literally she was like, oh, my God, like, what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:58:54 And we had a little bit of light, and I was just pouring with blood, right? Yeah. So I freaked out. She wasn't as calm as your lady friend. She also freaked out. she wasn't as calm as your lady friend she also freaked out yeah sorry chat and the dog was freaking out in the room going absolutely mental right she's called an ambulance so the ambulance is coming right because she's like there's so much blood coming out yeah and I was like covered in blood right on this rough estate that she thinks
Starting point is 00:59:24 on the phone to the guy trying you know we're in flats she's like the ambulance can't fucking you know he can't find you like they couldn't find like you know like see the guy's driving around like where is this fucking place and he's like can he can he is he okay to make it out onto the street oh my god and i was like no and then like it was like fucking four flights up so you're going down all of the fucking gangways all down the stairs i'm fucking covered in blood now i look like i've been involved in some sort of hideous crime and she i'm like are you coming with me and she was like no i'm not coming out there like so i had to walk down to the ambulance on my own the guy freaks out why
Starting point is 00:59:58 did you ask if she's coming with you because i thought she'd be supportive okay yeah go right she was already probably just fucking phoning people saying what had happened. Absolute horror show. Yeah, mate. Yeah. So I go to the hospital, and the guy is like, even the ambulance driver is like, you know this, you're the only person I've ever spoken to who's been through the same thing. The amount of blood is insane, isn't it?
Starting point is 01:00:22 Yeah, it's crazy. the amount of blood is insane isn't it like yeah it's crazy so we get to the hospital and basically they're like it ripped so badly they were like it's probably better to look at being circumcised so that i ended up getting circumcised from it really as a result of that yeah yeah and can i say by the way is that is one of the worst things I've ever had to go through. Adult circumcision is fucking awful. You know, you're not supposed to get an erection for like fucking twono on something like with my fucking presence it was awful man like genuinely like yeah and unlike your your ladyfinger i everyone knew around my area she told so many people yeah it was so embarrassing and anyone that she didn't tell her brother did oh god well there you go thank youve, for bringing that back up. I appreciate your email.
Starting point is 01:01:31 It is about that time. Tom, do your thing. And a cold wind blows. And it blows across the earth. And the people huddle closer together to grab a little warmth as which they can it's worth remembering that the cold wind won't last forever and soon we'll be complaining about the fact that we can't be close to loved
Starting point is 01:01:54 ones because of the heat and weather is a little bit like friendship it's a bit like family it's a bit like anything it ebbs and it flows and sometimes it's hot and sometimes it's cold the thing to remember is for every time that you complain about the cold imagine the heat imagine the sweat running down your back and complaining about that sometimes the old stiff upper lift lip and uh oh well let's just get on with today attitude is almost the best thing you can do. That said, it's sometimes nice just to have a good old moan. Put your arm around your friend Luke or Sandy, insert name here, and just say,
Starting point is 01:02:37 cat damn it, I like to moan and I like to moan nice. A moan's as good as anything and a pint's even better. Today's episode is brought to... I don't know any idea where I'm going today. The cold has just hit me really hard. I wasn't expecting to share that dick story. Yeah. Well, it's weird, isn't it?
Starting point is 01:02:57 Because that was my most embarrassing story and you managed to trump it. I mean, yours is much better. No, no, no. If I'm honest with you, I've never told that story and I'm slightly sitting here not knowing whether i should have told it yeah well it's going so yeah um okay okay
Starting point is 01:03:13 let me summarize like this friendship is important loved ones are important remember a tadpole if it can become a frog and if a caterpillar can become a butterfly you can become just about anything you want in life reach for the stars or as a tadpole once said look for the lily pad really good uh thank you tom for sort of doing a second bit of advice that's straight i see babies um let's uh let's play ourselves out with a little cheer-up song. This is... This is something that is... It's just a song that I like that makes you feel a bit happier. It's called Make You Feel That Way by Blackalicious.
Starting point is 01:03:59 JT, drop it. Guys, we'll see you next time. Good night. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. Thank you.

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