Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 39: Dull Detectives & Fake Injuries

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

We’re talking… dull detectives, ounces of Idris, constructive criticisms, working on walks, sleeping sounds, fire-hydrant attacks, attentions-seeking injuries and losing your rag in public. Plus, an email question about appropriating your partners recommendations and another suggestion for a ‘would you rather’ quandary. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List- https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in Pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way?

Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans?

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing the murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff

And a... Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive innit, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Welcome one and all to the Wolf and Al podcast Another weekend, bro Another weekend, how you doing?

I don't want to say another weekend because we're doing this on a weekday aren't we? Yeah we are. I sort of confused. I sort of confused. I feel quite jet lagged in a way. What, because you're in Manchester? No, just because I didn't sleep very well last night. I didn't sleep very well because I watched the Luther movie last night.

Okay. Have you seen it? No. I didn't sleep very well because I watched the Luther movie last night. Okay. Have you seen it? No. I'm sort of quite fascinated by it. I'm going to watch it at the weekend. How is it? Well, it's everything you'd expect from a... Well, what I would say is, this is my take on Luther.

It started off being quite a gritty, rooted in reality... Yeah, that's how I like to hear it. Hyper reality. When it started off, yeah. But sort of rooted in reality kind of guy looking for for serial killers and he's a little bit he's a little bit off kilter played with the rules hard and fast with the rules a little bit fast and loose i mean i don't mean hard and fast and um you know he's a bit of a maverick as is the sort of staple for any kind of i'd like to see and i don't know if it would

work in the reason they've never done it i would like to see a piece of thing where someone plays by all of the rules and it's actually sort of like quite a meek sort of family man who's just sort of like well it's funny you say that tom because i was watching this and i was thinking i wonder what kind of tv detective i'd be i know we've we've talked about but i did sort of think like sort of kind of a nervous vegan no no you've got a've talked about it, but I did sort of think like, sort of kind of a nervous vegan. No, no, no. You've got a bit of an edge to you.

You've got party wrong in you. That's the thing. Oh, so my detective would be a guy that like turns up to the crime scene. Oh, fuck it. No, no, no. Your guy would be, I think you'd be very good in your work

and you'd work hard, but your eyes would break up when you'd sort of be like, you know the guys who walk around in the sort of medical suits with the blue shoes yeah like you like you'd hear them going oh you know it's like you know luke's birthday this week so we're all going to go out and you'd sort of it's all we go so we think he got in here at like seven o'clock and he was shot twice and sorry sorry did someone say it's luke's birthday this weekend and I've not been invited yet but I could bring a couple of bottles of Bacardi

and really lubricate the situation. If Luke wants Elvino till Flo, I can make that happen. Romesh, in this scene, your character is sort of doing paperwork again and making sure it's all sort of filed properly. It kind of feels like we're doing a lot of that

and I've watched quite a few of these and I just imagine when we're going to do the scene where I'm sort of doing a moody walk towards where I think the killer might be. Is it like that? In this version, basically, you send someone else to do that because some of the stuff hasn't been put away properly

but you are phoning them and sort of talking them through it but you are very much based at the office I really feel like you want me to mobile phone or am I using the landline I don't can I just say I don't think my character

would use whatsapp it feels a little bit edgy for him. But yeah, anyway, so the, the, so, but as each series went on, it got more and more kind of, what's the best way to describe it? Sort of fantastical. It kind of got, it's got, and this film is like the natural progression of that, I'd say. Is it good? Yeah, I thought it was good. I thought it was good. I read a lot. I'm gonna be honest,

full disclosure. I read a lot of terrible reviews of it. It's weird because I like we were the interest fans, right? But I think we could you know, mattress every quarter of interest is body and mind and soul every quarter. Yeah, like you're every hour when people talk about every thing. It's normally a thing. There's multiple and mind and soul. Every quarter? Yeah. Like, yeah. Every ounce. When people talk about every thing, it's normally a thing that there's multiple things of.

There's four quarters. No. With every, honestly, I love every half of that, man. Every eighth of it. I fucking love

every eighth of you, mate. We love every ounce of interestris right we adore Idris Idris is a bit of an inspiration and someone we look up to but I'm not sure like I've watched a fair bit of Luther

I really enjoyed it when it started but I have that problem now where I'm a little bit like is it as good as it could have been? I loved it at first, but it was a bit raw. It feels a bit like now, like it's a bit more James Bond-y in this. It is a bit, yeah.

He's a bit like, I would say, he's a bit like Batman. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And Mark, I watched Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo did like,

they reviewed it and they absolutely went in two-footed on it. Just said it was dreadful. See, I don't have anything to add. Nothing to redeem it. What do you mean? I truly believe that anyone who's making... And look, you've written stuff, I've written stuff. Some of the stuff we've done has been well-received.

Some of it hasn't. That's life. But I do think going in really hard and stuff and being overly critical. I get that things aren't going to be, and we both do, but I just think being really, really harshly criticising stuff is... It's a difficult one, isn't it? Because say for something like Luther, most films, most TV shows, most things that you're watching,

those people are trying really hard. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? shows most things that you're watching those people are trying really hard yeah do you mean like they want that they most of the time even the shittest stuff you've seen a lot of work has gone into that so so it is a bit out of order to go to really fucking lay into something i mean i think if something is a is a cynical cash sort of a cynical cash grab do you mean where they've gone oh we can make some money just sort of punting this out. Then I guess you can go in on that and stuff like that. But most of the time when you're watching something as bad as it might be, they've really tried hard. Having said that, there is something about watching something. I'm not saying this is the case for Luther because I enjoyed Luther, but I

think I'm slightly different to you. I've sort of accepted the trajectory that Luther's got. Do you know what I mean? I've like I've sort of accepted that's what he's become now. Do you know what I mean? So Luther when we were first doing Murder and Successville Yeah, I was so obsessed with Luther and Idris Elba. That's when you hear Sleet's voice and see how Sleet is That was like my version of like how would you make like Luther Within this mad world if world if he was just like not cool yeah yeah so if he was trying to be cool so sleep yeah he's just like just embarrassing yeah

and and was a bit of a mug and a bit of a loser which is essentially yeah yeah which is me right so you're you're you're the guy with the filing papers and I'm the guy trying to get on with the fucking cool cop but I'm an absolute fucking bellow but that the voice and everything was based on Luther but he wasn't quite as cool as Luther so it was like a massive

thing for me and like I think it just should I think genuinely should have been already known as the next Bond I I think it just should, I think genuinely should have been already known as the next Bond. We talked about this. I just think it's difficult when you have something and it evolves so much that is it still the thing that it used to be?

Yeah. I mean, I would say this film's pretty mad. It's mad. But I sat and enjoyed it. Yeah. If you're wanting it to, I imagine if you watch the first episode of the first series of Luthor and then watched this movie,

you'd go, what the fucking hell's going on? Do you know what I mean? Because it's like, it is so different. But it's just, that is what it's become. Basically, it's become

like one of the fucking Avengers now. I mean, that's basically it. I mean, also, I do respect that in a sense. I respect the fact that one minute he's like, they're sitting him in a world of grimy estates and sort of like... He's still in the grimy estates

and there's a bit where he's in Piccadilly Circus and they shoot Piccadilly Circus. It's fucking like the grimy, shittiest part of London you could ever imagine. Do you know what I mean? It's like Soho is so fucking rough in Luther Madness. It's like Soho is so fucking rough in Luther, man. It's mad.

Soho's like the sweetest part of London. Yeah, Soho is like, that should be Luther dodging media wankers. Do you know what I mean? Just sort of trying to, just go and grab a coffee and trying to avoid people working on scripts on MacBook. Do you mind watching my laptop? I'm just going to pop to the toilet. Oh, all right.

No problem, mate. You know there's a kid on the list. But, you know, when you see him... When you see him wander through the scene in the tweed coat... Oh, man. I mean, you know, like, his build is just... I mean, look, he's a great actor, but just the fucking...

His presence is just... He's like an old school movie star, isn't he? Yeah. Do you reckon he must have, do you reckon he worked on that walk? Like what the Luther Walk is going to be? I think sometimes if, you know, like when people talk about when you're young, the things that you'd wish you'd done. Yeah.

I wish I'd worked on my walk a little bit more. My walk is just gone. Mate, I've got to be honest with you. My walk is something I hate it got to be honest with you my walk is something i i hate it yeah i really hate it and when i was in my when i was in my teens and probably early 20s i used to affect a walk do you remember like there was the bowl yeah you put on a little you put on a little bop or whatever yeah and then i don't know if like i now I'm suffering from sort of post-bop traumatic syndrome, but my walk is awful. Yeah. I tried to lean Gallagher for a while. I tried to turn my feet out a little bit when I walked.

Yeah. And that just doesn't go. No, but the problem is, Tom, is what happens is what happened to me, which is you turn your feet out. That works if you're doing the same thing with the rest of your body. Yeah. If you then sort of evolve it into just walking normally with your feet out, you look like you've got a fucking issue. Yeah, but you know the thing is, right, because for me and you, like for most people, you never actually see your own walk. You might catch it now and again if you're bowling through sort of like,

you know, Westfield or a shopping centre and you look in a shop window and you see, but for the most part, you don't actually see your own walk. Like we, I see my walk on, you know, when we're on shows, in a shop window you see but for the most part you don't actually see your own walk like we i see my walk on you know when we're on shows i see it like you know when you walk out on stage and stuff mine is so i look at now and go oh that's that's one of the reasons that you're an absolute easy target for people because i know i have to so passive yeah i i hate it like when i when i had to watch i had to watch the edit for The Cynic, the Netflix special, and I could barely get past the first minute because I'm walking on stage. Then I had to pause it and deal with a fucking shame spiral.

Can we do a reshoot of the walk? Guys, is it possible to get the lights and everything back into the hall if I just need to do that walk on again? My walk looks like, you know like in a musical you'll see like an oliver twitch everyone's dancing around and like you'll see like a woman's maybe she's like like running a flower store or a fruit and veg store and she'll do like this big sort of like she'll come i look like a guy who's sort of humbly bringing her over some bread i haven't got like any sort of rhythm to my walk it's just like a clumsy i think what like if me and you were animals in a sort of jungle or sort of dangerous situation you know what those animals that get fucking smashed really

like uh you see lions killing them all the time they've got a gangly sort of like yeah because they also look incredible when they run when they walk they look like i've got no idea what they're doing like they're like that's what me and you would be like. We'd be easy prey. We're like teenage dogs. The limbs are sort of not quite fully in control of them. These legs are bigger than I anticipated. That's why I think I couldn't ever do that

like a detective. The lines would be alright. It would just be like, Romesh, we need to do that slow-mo walk again. Why? Because you look insane, to be honest with you. Is there any way, Rom,

could we do another take of this? But could you just walk like a normal human would walk, please? I don't even need you to walk like a grizzled detective anymore. I just need you to walk like just a regular human, please. Just less like a daddy long legs

that's stubbed its toe. like just a regular human please. Just less like a daddy long legs that's stubbed his toe. But the Luther was so grisly that I couldn't, you know, you take that to bed with you don't you? Yeah that's the worst. That's the worst. Bit of a man. That's the worst. The other thing I've started doing recently, speaking of bed, is I've started putting sounds on in the night, through the night. Have I talked about this?

No. No. So I've been doing it for about a week now. I discussed it with Lisa. She's accepted it as a thing. And now she's having some input into what we play so the first night i had that just an r b playlist the yeah sort of a bit of sort of slow jams the second night i went for a bit of sort of mellow hip-hop that didn't work because midway through the night

i was woken up by mop screaming out the phone yeah and then last night I went for sea sounds oh wow that's a real changer mate my eight hours of the ocean mate that's

because Grace has white noise so that's what she has when she's asleep and then we have the monitor so our monitor

plays white noise so we have the sea sounds we've had that yeah you can get like there's a website isn't there where you can get white noise and then there's brown noise. We have the C sounds. We've had that for like 50 years. You can get, like, there's a website, isn't there, where you can get white noise and then there's brown noise as well, isn't there? It's not ethnic, but like, there's different types of sort of background noise. And doesn't Wayne Rooney have to have the vacuum cleaner

on while he's asleep or something? Why doesn't he just... Like, it's a thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find it quite, you know, quite cathartic, if that's a word. It is a word, yeah, yeah. I struggle with that with these. um it is a word yeah yeah i've struggled with that and it's actually it's actually the right word um which uh i uh i quite enjoy like that sort of thing i had an awful night's sleep last night oh go on tell me well no because i'm i was fine the first night in a hotel

just absolutely savage um i i always um and for some reason i don't empirical evidence doesn't seem to talk me out of this, but I always look forward to going to a hotel because I think I'm going to get a good night's sleep, but I never do. I don't know why it is I've managed to convince myself every single time that this next night in a hotel is going to be different to every other night I've ever had in a hotel.

I'd much sooner now, when I think about it, is have to drive back for two hours or three hours to get into my own bed. When I was doing the circuit, like, properly, and I was driving myself, I didn't have a tool manager, my rule was if I get home after two, I'll stay the night wherever I am. Yeah. Because it's like, if you're driving yourself, it's dangerous. Like, I remember like some,

like a couple of nights I'd be like, it'd be like three o'clock in the morning. I'm like still an hour away from home and I'd be fucking like falling asleep at the wheel. And then I pulled up a couple of nights, I'd pull up in a service station and then just try and like, I think I'm going to get an hour in the car park. But service station car parks are a lot busier through the night than you might think. I mean, it's

mad. And then I thought, what I don't want is some lads to come knock on the window while I'm passed out in my civic. Isn't it funny how petrified we are of lads? They are the, I think they're the, you know like how... And I'm not talking about

aggressive, like, fucking bullies. I'm just talking about... There's a bloke over there sleeping in his car. Yeah, not even physical violence. I'm talking about somebody going, having a bit of a nap, that's enough to send me... I'm done then. I mean, oh, God, that's so embarrassing.

There's nothing you can say. Well, actually, I've had quite a late night. I've been doing stand-up comedy. Tell us a joke. Tell us a joke. Well, actually, I've had quite a late night. I've been doing stand-up comedy. Tell us a joke. Tell us a joke. Well, it's not really... I don't really do jokes. Oh, mate, you've already lost the crowd, mate.

Lost the crowd. Well, I'm not actually doing a gig here. Eat this, mate. Eat this. And then someone just throws a burger in your window. Right, OK. Well, that's... Yeah, well, I'm just trying to do a night's work, actually, guys.

So it's not actually that cool i i once was um when i was doing edinburgh festival i was walking back to my flat one night and this is so embarrassing man somebody jumped out like a group of lads were on a night out somebody jumped out from behind the thing and sprayed me with a fire extinguisher. Oh, Jesus. I thought you said I'm going to jump out and scared you. Which has happened to me. Yeah. So they, like,

it was like a water extinguisher. It wasn't foam. Yeah. So they're like, it's just like smelly kind of canister water all over me, like top to bottom. Right. So this is the embarrassing bit so unluckily

for them as they did it to me a police car pulled and i was driving by right so they pulled up jumped out the car and i was like oh man like when you tell these stories sometimes my body starts winking like I'm about to expect a punch. I was so angry but also knew that I was completely impotent because the police were there and all say these lads would have kicked the fuck out of me. I actually said, I've just come to Edinburgh to just do some comedy. Oh no. I thought what you were going you were gonna say you turn around to the policeman other real mates we've had a bit of a laugh. I wish I said that you told them. What happened? What happened? What was the what's the day just the truth is the police aren't going to arrest those guys for that. They just sort what I mean? Yeah, they're going to arrest them, but... Yeah, they just sort of...

They just went, now, now, lads, come on. Oh, no. Let him be on his way. He's so good now. He's absolutely drenched. Good luck drying off your sad little twat. To be honest with you, mate,

if I'd have seen him go past, I would have doused the **** as well. Did you have your rucksack on? Yeah, I did. And also, this is the tragic thing i went in and my mobile phone was totally fine but i wanted it to be broken so that i could feel some sort of indignant rage like because i text a mate and i go oh you're never going to fucking believe what's happened to me and you want them to have a reaction like you've been yeah beaten shitless is that i just

got i actually and so you start your opening text is a much more dramatic one so i just got jumped by a group of lads yeah let's get a reply what the fuck what the fuck happened oh they just jumped out at me from behind this like from behind like this wall shit man and then what the fuck what have you still have you got like your stuff you? Did they take anything? No. So what did they, fuck, what did they do? What did they want? They sprayed me with some water from a half-empty fire extinguisher.

Why are you texting me? You know the thing as well, was it busy? Was this road busy? Yeah, it was quite busy. Yeah, yeah. Then they've seen you walking up with your rucksack.

They thought you were, yeah, and they've gone, they've gone, this up with your rucksack. They thought you were... Yeah, and they've gone... They've gone, wait... This guy looks like a good mark. Here he comes. Here he comes. This fella. This guy.

Good. So embarrassing. Yeah, he's great. Look at the way this bloke's walking. What's going on with his feet? Look how happy he is. Only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin. At participating McDonald's in Canada, prices exclude delivery. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show?

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a breeze. And it felt a little like... Life's a trip. Make the most of it at best western it's awful when you i've done you know that thing like you're saying that when you something happens like that and then you have to find the injury to make it worse i had a thing not so long ago i was across the road in London and I sort of went down the curve and the curve was like higher curve than I anticipated it was and I completely lost my footing and like fell into the road like sort of like rolled into the road and and it wasn't like I wasn't hurt but it was packed it was like a really busy street and quite a few people sort of like

came over there like you're okay and like one guy genuinely was like fucking hell was like a really busy street and quite a few people sort of like came over and they're like, are you okay? And like one guy genuinely was like, I was a big fall for you mate from your height. And I was like, and then I was sort of lying there and sort of people helped me up. Um, and I was like, this is so embarrassing. I only had to fucking faint injury. And I was like, my ankle's completely gone from underneath me. And the guy was like, well, I call an ambulance, his ankles fucked. And then I was like, no, I like well i call an ambulance his ankles fucked and then i was like no i can't obviously call an ambulance for it and i was like no no no that's fine it's fine it's fine let me just get to my office and he was like no no you need an ambulance but you could have broken your ankle and then people are trying to fucking pull up my jeans and like look

at my ankle and i'm like no no that's cool lucky enough i had a pair of fucking high tops on and i'm sort of lying there in like no I think the Blazers have given me the support I need to get me through that

thank you the faux pain I'm lying there like sort of going what's your end game here

so then some people helped me out one of the people by the way is a lady in her 70s who sort of

like it took quite it took like six people to help me out because I was the people, by the way, is a lady in her seventies who sort of, like, it took quite, it took like six people to help me up because I was sort of like, I could have got up myself, but I'm like, that'll destroy the look of this piece.

Yeah. And then I was like, look, my office is just around the corner. And then I limped off. Yeah, you have to. Yeah,

but like, the limp was so savage. It looked like, if a director, like, if it was like, I was the same private rider like you've just been shot three times in your leg like now you you're trying to get down the beach

that's how i rolled it was like and i was doing this oh oh cheers guys thank you no i'll be all right i think i'll be all right oh and i just kept that walk going for probably at least 15 minutes so i knew that none of them were following me. I can tell you something sadder than that although I was a child but this is bad. So when I was a kid I reckon I must have been about nine I got knocked over by a car. Wow, I had another story about that but then i just heard this one i'm like i don't know i mean i love when we do this but it's yeah go so my mom sent me to get something from the shop and the worst thing was i pulled a sickie so i said i

didn't want to get my mom let me take time off school whenever i sort of remotely looked like i was sort of poor so my mom sent me across the road to get something i got knocked over by a car so my mom saw this happen my mom and brother saw this happen right the car hit me i would say incredibly slowly right now this is not something i've ever admitted okay but the truth is is i could have got up and walked away from that accident no problem at all but i fell to the ground i stayed there because I was an attention seeking child. They called an ambulance. I went, I went to hospital, right? They said, nothing's broken. And then for the next four days, I limped. I had nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with me. Right. But

I just, I just wanted to, for people to go, oh my God, you got knocked over by a car. That's horrendous. Until, this is so embarrassing. My mum and her friends had to stage an intervention where they basically suggested that, that I was making, I was feigning this injury. Because, basically, because it didn't hurt, I didn't know, and I wasn't, I'm not an actor, I'm still not an actor now, but I didn't, I didn't know what it was like to have an injury in your leg.

So I just kept that leg completely straight and just would sort of... Mate, sometimes when, when you tell stories, right, there's a part of me

that thinks, how strange that these two fucking pathetic losers came like through the like so i it's like i had a time at school where we were playing like football and i got tackled and i hit the ground and i think i'd seen it on neighbors or some shit i basically lay there and the teacher was like, get up, come on, get up, mate, get back into it. And I was like, I can't move. I can't move.

My head can't move. Right. And they thought I'd broken my back. Similar to you, right? I get an ambulance called and they're like, obviously when it's a back injury, they can't move you, right? What was actually wrong with you? Nothing.

I literally just was really embarrassed about getting tackled and I don't know it was attention seeking it was fucking pathetic oh god like it's so strange

when you tell stories because this is like so I then basically get an ambulance like my dad who you know is like my world I love my dad

he gets a phone call at work can you imagine getting a phone call at work going hello you imagine getting a phone call at work, going, hello, this is Mrs Craven from Tom's school, Tom's been rushed to the hospital,

we think he's broken his back, like, my dad, thinks, fuck, like, he drives there, and then I'm lying in this thing,

and I've got a neck brace on, and they do some scans and stuff, and, there's nothing, obviously, because, you know, and there's nothing obviously because you know and then they start doing you know the tests on your legs and all my legs are fucking fine did you did you pretend that you were feeling yeah but yeah like you i'm not fucking i'm fucking i

think i was like 12 or whatever so i'm lying there they're doing these fucking tests and i'm literally like as soon as i touch my feet i'm'm really ticklish. So my fucking feet start moving. And the doctor's like, are you feeling any bad sensations? And my dad is staring at me. I remember it so clearly, staring because he knows I'm lying now. He knows that he's had to turn to someone and go, my son's broken his back. I've got to go. So it's driven all the way there.

Then in his head, he's got to go back to work and go, is your son all right? Is his back okay? Yeah, you know, he's just lying. It's a fucking awful thing. Imagine getting a call saying your son's broken his back. You leave the office, and it's so pathetic. It was a fucking garage, but yeah.

Okay, you leave the garage, and then it's such a pathetic injury that you're back the same day. It's not even an injury. It's fucking, the only thing that's been hurt is my pride right so as the doctor's going for these tests and the doctor's a really sweet man really lovely right and my dad's going right come on mate just get up we know what's going on here the doctor's like look even though you know with the x-rays and the tests and um you know, it might look like there's nothing wrong. Sometimes these things, there can be an underlying thing that we haven't noticed. And my dad is just literally staring at me like, when do you get home, mate?

What are you going to do in this place? Oh, yeah. You want a broken back? Yeah, you're right. Get the fuck out of my boat. It was like, literally got back. He picked me up in the car. I was like, oh, I think I should just go home now. He's like, you're going back to school took me back

to school and it was like so fucking like literally at first it was like people going oh my god are you alright

they saw the ambulance take you my sister was at the same school and she'd been inconsolable she'd seen me taken off the pitch

by a stretcher put in an ambulance and she couldn't she was just sobbing it was yeah insane yeah i mean the worst thing was is that i'd feigned the injury so badly when i did it bearing in mind genuinely what happened was i was touched by a car essentially like something that happened to me

regularly when i was a trolley wally at uh sainsbury's right okay that happened to me all the time because i'd have my headphones on and be bopping around with a hood on i get hit by cars all the time and i just carry on right and um so that's what happened to me i feigned injury so much demanded so much so that they called an ambulance i got taken away the guy that hit me was traumatized he came to visit my house to apologize to me for what happened when i'd run out in front of the car without looking and also was completely unscathed and this poor bastard i mean i i i he came to my house and i had my leg out straight which didn't need to be sort of in front of me as i sat in front of the tv and he's just like i just i just i just want to he brought a box of chocolates for me. I mean, to be honest with you, he sort of sat there going,

I just want to say I'm really sorry for... And really what he should say is, listen, you careless little shit. I know you're faking. I know what speed I was going when I hit you, right? I was coming to a stop when i hit you do you want to just get up because i feel like i'm in the center of some sort of scammy did you eat the chocolates in front of him yeah of course i did i didn't even i ate the chocolate in front of him and i carried on watching tv i barely paid him any attention

and he was sort of apologising. Oh, God, it makes you feel sick. Do you know sometimes you like to think of yourself as a good person, right? You like to think of yourself like that. Sometimes when I think about things like that, I think that is pure Romesh, right? That is Romesh at his very core. So what that must mean is that me at my core, I'm a prick.

Yeah, but, mate, you were a kid. When that happened to my ankle the other day, right, there's an old lady, I remember, like, there's a few people who are sort of, yeah, there's an old lady helping me up to my feet, right, helping me up to my, she's, like, 75, and then she's just going, and then she's just holding my arm and sort of stroking it, and as everyone's talking,

she's going, are you going to be all right, love? Are you going to be okay? And I'm looking at her in the eye and she's so concerned. And I know this, I've wronged my ankle. Me and you are the Pripser called Wolf. Like, genuinely now, I look at you and think, how, like, what is wrong with both of us? That me and you both have that that and also it also makes our journey into comedy

that much more disgusting right because because basically i did a i did a work in progress the other night and lisa got this there's a woman that lisa knows that came to the gig and she sent her a text saying it was such a sweet text right just going oh um it's really nice that you know i hope that rummish realizes that what he does is a really nice thing and making people laugh and blah blah blah and then you go yeah if that was my motivation but as it turns out i'm just a fucking little narcissistic prick who wants everyone to look at me because i will happily make a show out of being hit by a car do you mean i don't care what the entertainment value is i just want you to look at me just please will you look at me yeah but you you want people to look at you i want people to

like me that's my worst that's my that's the thing that like yeah that's the thing i worry most about like you know like so theo our eldest yeah his desire to have you like him is zero yes it's zero right he just he doesn't care if you like him or not i wish i had a fucking a molecule i wish i had a quarter of that no i wish i had a molecule of that man do you really like it's just incredible mate when you see someone like that who just is like i'm fine it's cool i don't need that validation like like i've got friends who are like it i look and think fucking hell it must be amazing like i feel the need to constantly like and not not it's just such a strange thing to sort of not want someone to like even

in the smallest margin of bumping into someone and having any interaction with them I want to leave them with like oh actually

he's a nice guy and that's been my whole life it's not since we've done this but actually I over egg it now so much that I can see them going past

oh it's just someone who's just I bumped into oh he seems a nice enough guy oh fucking shut up mate literally I can see them going past. Oh, it's just someone who's just bumped into. We seem to nice enough guy. Oh, fucking shut up, mate. Literally. I can see the level. Yeah.

Okay, man. I get it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. I sort of feel like, I sort of feel like I've moved beyond. Well, I think I've moved beyond it. I'd like to think I've moved beyond it. Cause like, I'm not as bothered now if people like me. I'm more bothered now. But then I think to myself, maybe that's because my itch has been scratched by doing comedy.

Do you know what I mean? That like I don't, it's not that I'm not bothered. It's not that I don't want to be a nice guy. I do want to be a nice guy and I will help people if I can and blah, blah, blah. And I'll try and be a nice bloke.

You don't always manage it. But these are two different things. Like being a nice guy and being which you are and you're a lovely man is a different thing from wanting to be wanting people yeah but but you have the smallest interaction with yeah but the switch is when you're being a nice person and you want you really want them to think you're a nice person and you hope that they tell other people that you're a nice person there's a difference between that and then just being a nice person and being

okay with if you've not made any impact on do you know what i mean like yeah oh yeah that is a that is a switch right my my thing isn't even being like no it's just thinking i i'm terrified of someone walking away going what fucking arsehole all right yeah all right yeah and also i think in life everyone should like the the group of people i can't stand is like look you get people like Theo right and you know James is it where they don't

they're not bothered whether people like them or not they're just walking through their life but they're not nasty people they just go through no he's really he's not like

compassionate nice people and they're decent people but they don't have that thirsty fucking prick no no thirst at all that's one group of people then you've got me and you

who sit at this fucking place where it's like I'll like us because we group of people then you've got me and you who sit at this fucking place where it's like I don't like us because we're pathetic and then you've fucking got people who are like I don't care if people fucking like me

and then they actively go out and it's like like me or hate me I'm just fucking me and they're the fucking best Millwall Millwall

yeah Millwall yeah that just reminds me by the way speaking of not coming across as a nice guy, I had a bit of an incident at the weekend. I don't think I've talked. In fact, I saw you the day after it happened and didn't tell you because I don't want to tell you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in a quite important meeting. Yeah, yeah, probably wouldn't have been appropriate. So anyway, I went to Fulham away with our second kid at the weekend on sunday right and as you know going to an away game the fans are different right it's a bit more of a hardcore contingent i would say yeah anyway this fulham game was it was two o'clock in the afternoon on a sunday but people were on it like properly on it right so i went in with alex i don't really know craven cottage that well So we're sort of wandering around trying to find where we've got to go. And it's rammed, right?

Like absolutely rammed where we are. I would say if you've not been to football, you would find that experience uncomfortable. Do you know what I mean? Like really like people everywhere, right? And so Alex wanted a hot chocolate or whatever. I go get him a hot chocolate, get myself a beer. I'm stood.

I know a couple of other guys at the game, so I'm having a chat with them. They're being very nice to Alex. This guy comes out first off, this guy comes over and he goes, Can I loads of people start asking for photos, right? Loads of people, right? Because we're in like a really enclosed area. And soon as one person sees the last, people start doing it. Guy asked one guy askedlex to take the photo

which i said i actually said to him that is an incredible decision but okay so um another guy comes up to me he goes romesh down it down it he goes i've got a pint down it down it and i just go to him oh i'm with my son it's not really a down it day today right so alex is like stood there with hot chocolate and a bag of crisps right i'm just like and then and then we leave it too late like chatting to these guys to get to our seat in a comfortable way so basically kickoffs at two i'm making my way to my seat at three minutes two which was insane with a kid like stupid thing to do? So it's like a proper bottleneck going up the stairs. So I've got my hands sort of on Alex because it's like he's obviously,

I don't need to explain it, but it's difficult. He's like, you can't see anything. I'm trying to help him out, right? As I'm doing that, people are leaning in going, can I get a photo? Can I get a photo? Right, fine, fine. But I'm taking the photo, taking the photos while I'm sort of, to be honest with you, getting slightly anxious about my son being all right.

Do you know what I mean? In the crush or whatever. Yeah. So, you know, obviously you worry about these things. This bloke goes, can I get a photo just as it's getting really hairy, right? Yeah. And so I lean in for the photo, but I don't really, I just sort of do it, try and do it as quickly as I can and move on.

And he's right next to me. And I'm really quite stressed. Not stressed. Stressed is an exaggeration, but you're on high alert, right? Yeah, of course, of course, of course. So his mate then goes to him. Oh, he didn't look very happy, did he? Like, they're right next to me.

He goes, he didn't look very happy, did he? And then the guy that I took the photo with goes, no, he didn't, did he? Fuck him, right? And then I turned around to him and I went, what have you been a c*** for? And he goes, what? And I turned around to him and I went, we've been a couple. And he goes, what? And I go, I just, I did the photo. I said, we're trying to get to the thing. I said, I did the photo and now you'll, you'll me off to your mate. And he goes, we've been like

that. I said, I'm not being like anything. I said, I agreed at this point I'd lost my temper. So I go to him, I agreed to do the photo with you. I said, we're trying to make a way to our seats. And then I said and then you still talk to me talk about me like that in my earshot I said what the fuck

are you doing and then he turns to me now I'm in front of Alex and like it looks like I'm about to have a fucking confrontation

and then I just brushed it off I just went you're fucking out of order mate I walk to the seat and then I think to myself I don't know what this geezer's like.

Do you know what I mean? Like this guy might be going now, mate, we've got to fuck him up. Like the way he's just spoke to me, we've got to fuck him up before we leave. Right.

And then the other part of me is thinking, even if that doesn't happen, that guy, a hundred percent now thinks I'm a prick. Like a hundred percent now thinks I'm a prick. But he's the prick, right? But he doesn't know that. Do you know's the prick right but he doesn't know that do you mean like he doesn't know that do you mean he might his mate hopefully might

i mean he said his mate has a helmet as well but his mate might go well actually it was a bit much because he's got the thing with you having a kid is like i just think that that's the bit i can't get my head around is that when you see someone with a child you then everything changes right you've got to be yeah consider it it's insane the truth is and i know that you're saying that guy was a helmet but the truth is what i should have done is when he goes him i should have just gone that guy's a prick i don't need to say anything and the truth is is that my ego got the better of me and i lost my temper and also say in your defense you're in a high anxiety level of like yeah it's i've been there you know it's tense you know yeah

yeah and it's even without a child and you're it's packed and you know you're in that kind of environment and lots of people like we went to this is fucking I mean this is edgy when you're talking about Millwall and fucking big football me and Catherine had our first date night at George Ezra

um oh yeah I saw I saw that on the site people can have it then mate um but um yeah we I had that thing

because it was packed and like you're sort of you're waiting for people to sort of and like yeah there's obviously a few pictures here and there and a few people

but the level of anxiety you feel anyway that's something to do with what we do for a job I've just always felt like in big

crowds it's just you know I think so in your defence when you then add to the fact

you've got how old's Alex what he's 10? 11 11 you know what I mean you've got 11 in your body

and you've then got you're not just taking your anxiety and your fears, you're taking his as well. Yeah. You're trying to make it a calming situation for him.

So I don't think you can beat yourself up about that. No. The problem I've got is, also, is that I don't look happy most of the time. And so, the number of times I get told to cheer up, or,

Yeah. smile for a photo, or whatever, it's like, it's insane. People think I'm being moody, but I'm not number of times I get told to cheer up or yeah smile for a photo or whatever it's like it's insane people think I'm being moody when I'm not like I got so much shit on Jonathan Ross when I was on with Lewis Capaldi and Lewis Capaldi has been hilarious and amazing and I love Lewis Capaldi but I've got a default kind of this is so scale wise yeah You sit there and I sit here. I look happy to be anywhere. I look like Flo, both of our agents, right? Is it Jonathan Ross? When the pictures came through and she said,

oh yeah, me on the couch and Jonathan Ross, I genuinely look like someone's gone, any big Niall Horan fans in? And I've gone, yeah, me, me! And they've gone, come on, come and get a picture with Niall. And that's how I look. I look like that. I think that's much better.

I don't know, man. I look so fucking... Like, talking about being at football, I think I've told you this, because I said, you know, unlike you, I come into a meeting full of stories, and you're like, we actually have work to do here. Thanks for adding an hour to that meeting last week i was in bethnal green in a calf great calf and having my breakfast and one of west ham's top poogans turned up and he basically sees me sitting there it's

quite busy in the calf he sees me there and he's like is your wife i'll sit on your table and i'm like i can't say no but i'm talking to the cut of friends anyway so he sits down and starts telling me about yes what chat about West Ham and it's fine and if then um and I've got my phone is on the table right in front of him because he's quite cramped on this table now and he orders like a fried egg and bacon sandwich and that comes over and then he sort chants me and he saw of quite clearly hung over and as he's messily eating this sandwich bits of fried egg

like runny fried egg are just dropping on my phone right and he's sort of going yeah fuck it anyway

we went up to fucking Bradford about ten years ago and fucking we had it in Bradford we've had it invented and he's talking to me and it's fucking

egg it's just all I can see is my daughter's face on my screensaver just getting gradually more ketchup and egg on it

right and what I should have done if I was more like I should have and it really not I wish I'd just gone sorry mate what are you doing

that's my phone like there's a plate there just fucking eating over the plate I wish I'd gone like that I sat there until he went oh fucking hell

is that your phone mate and I went ah it's alright don't worry about it it's fine I'll just bloody yeah it's fine it worked quite yeah and i got a napkin and sort of like started cleaning it and then he felt really bad and sort of started sort of like trying to clean it it was just an awful situation but i felt so like i felt so worried about moving my phone and offending him or upsetting him even though he was using it as a plate. It was, like, I wish I'd had more Romesh in me then.

I wish I'd gone, mate, come on, for fuck's sake. And it was pathetic. I just was like, this is cool. No, but, yeah, but the thing is, the result of it is, is he ended up apologising and cleaning the phone up. And the result of my actions are, that guy now thinks I'm an arsehole. And also my son heard me be quite liberal with the F-bomb.

Yeah. You know what I mean? But then also, there's a chance that your son goes into school and goes, yeah, we were full of my way. My dad nearly had it. My dad was fighting. And actually everyone's like, oh, my God. And then they go back to their parents.

Whereas my story is that, yeah, Tom Davies seemed nice enough, but one of the sweetest blokes you'll ever meet actually fucking offered up his phone as a fucking plate for me to eat my fucking runny egg sandwich off. Well, I know who I'd rather hang out with out of those two people. Only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor? Knorr has got you. Our new Knorr rice cups deliver all the tastes without the prep or wait time. We're talking yummy, creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious,

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with down payment that's just 267 bi-weekly cash value of 40 294 plus eligible ford owners get a thousand dollar bonus for details visit your local ford store or ford.ca okay should we do emails yes uh once again thanks to the swan for selection hi wolfhouse swan and cat this is from the brazilian capybara capybara capybara uh as a long longtime listener and keen to share the joy, I had tried to get my partner to listen to the pod a while back. I even put on a couple of eps to play out loud when we were cleaning the house, but he never seemed to get into it. Fast forward about a year at this point, I gave up trying to make him listen to podcasts I like, and he suddenly discovered your pod, which I should be happy about.

You might be wondering, what's the issue here? Well, the issue is since then, only a couple of of months ago he's become a wolf and owl addict since he's got a lot of catching up to do he's been listening to it from the beginning of all at all times of the day playing episodes as we go to bed and not selecting the timer to auto stop which means i'll wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of tom and ron whispering in my ears like they're in bed with us he's also been using the podcast catchphrases like my guy and sweet sweet soul as well as preaching about it to all his mates as if he just found out about the newest greatest thing. Don't get me wrong I'm a huge fan and I love the pod but the fact he's ignored my suggestion

previously and now suddenly grew a huge interest in it to the point that wherever we are Tom and Rom are with us has left me a bit annoyed as he's so late to the game one in which I've been in for a long long time. This was my thing. I'm wondering if any of you've been in a similar situation with your partners where they've introduced something to you and weren't interested and you weren't interested or didn't believe in their hype hype or taste for said thing until you had to find out about it for yourself or the other way around like some series movie song kitchen gadget or things alike thank you swan for selecting my email and thank you both sweet sweet souls for bringing so much joy to my and also my partner's day regards the brazilian capybara whenever this emails like this get selected i always think

the swan selected this yeah yeah she's obviously yeah i was thinking that as you were reading it out anyway tom i well me and the cat have this quite a lot. Kat is very well read and very caring, and she'll be, so things like TV shows and stuff, we've always made an effort to be into, so we'll watch a lot of the same stuff. We don't really have that on television shows or films. It's more lifestyle choices or food things. Like, for example, she'll say to me,

I eat well like since you know yeah i try but i'll eat a lot of protein i'll eat carbs i won't necessarily and i sort of said to her she was saying to me you need to eat more veg you need to eat more salad you need to eat more fire you need fibrous foods right she's saying that to me for nearly six months and i'm like yeah whatever yeah and then i spoke to stan and i was like yo weight loss wise and trying you know and there's anything you can he was like maybe you should eat more fibrous foods and then i went in the other day and went uh you know what i think i should do is eat more fiber and katherine was like i've been telling you that for fucking six months i've been telling you that and it's so like it's like for example i i chatted to you once and you said about meditation and fucking like you know meditating and take uh yeah and she'd been telling me that for like three years because of my anxiety

my alex did like maybe just ground yourself and i'll go oh roma said about meditation she's like i've told you that for like she and it what it is is it's an element of the small things that we're talking about is a version of people not hearing you. It's not being heard. It's not necessarily about, and I think in this case it's sort of, when you're really into something, but also you're saying, I think this would be a really good thing for you,

and then someone almost feels like they're ignoring you, and then when the revelation comes, or you find it yourself, it feels like you're quite unimportant within, and actually it's, I think, it's just a weird thing, is that when a person closes to you it's not a matter of like when katherine said it to me i'm not listening it's it's probably a thing of that i i get to a point where i start thinking i actually know i need to change that thing about myself so if katherine at that moment went eat

more fiber i go cool nice one thank you but she's looking out for me before I'm looking out for myself type thing. And I think it's just, yeah, that's the hardest thing in relationships, isn't it? I think at times is the feeling of, not considerations, but it's making sure that you're both heard and you both feel that the other person is listening and cares. And that's the thing that I think these small things sometimes aren't about that. It's about something a bit bigger yeah you're absolutely right um i i have a similar thing where i've started moisturizing right and it's because somebody told me about moisturizing like someone

at work and lisa's been telling me to moisturize for years and years and for ages yeah and then suddenly i i just bought a load of moisturizing stuff. And then I started like moisturizing in the morning and Lisa was like, what made you do this? And really the nice thing would be is, oh, well, my darling, you've been advising me for such a long time. I thought I'd finally take your advice and start moisturizing. But what I actually had to tell her was, oh, you know, that thing you've been

telling me to do for ages that I've ignored repeatedly? Well, somebody else that I know a lot less than you and I don't live with suggested it, and I've taken that as gospel. That's what's happened. What I've done is I've ignored you who love me. I've ignored your advice repeatedly and consistently for a long, long time.

And one near stranger has suggested this to me and it's changed my lifetime habits. I've gone and spent fucking 400 quid on fucking facial products. Yeah. And I've actually got myself better stuff than you've got off the back of somebody else telling me. It's not good.

How is your skin? It's not good. And I can't figure out why it is. It's a similar phenomenon to if your other half tells you that you look good, it means very little. No, no, no, no. I still try and look sexy for Catherine. If Catherine turns to me and says, oh, you look really cool in that, or you look good in that, I'll fill a million bucks. I'd save you. the other day I put on an outfit

and I was going for a meeting and Catherine went you look really good today and I felt like a million bucks for the rest of that day interesting because I would say if I was to

sort of do an exchange rate for the Swan I would say one it doesn't have to it doesn't matter what gender they are one person

in the street or at the gym or when we go out saying that lisa looks nice is worth i don't know rough conversion a million of me saying it that just off the top of my head i would say i would have to say a million times no no but when she says to you when she says to you if she's um well look first of all i would say that be trying to look sexy is i'm not sexy but you want to you want to try mate you look great at the moment i'm not i'm not you have to own that me trying to look sexy is like me going i'm gonna try and look like a dragon today no well that's sexy but you look nice at the moment I saw you this week and you look

fucking hot you look really your clothes are looking good on you there's a confidence

around you it's a bounce you look nice man and you need to own that

shit you need to feel that you literally feel like I've said something so

abhorrent it's like I feel like that've said something so abhorrent. It's like, I feel like that guy out in fucking Fulham. What could have been worse than Ted Romesh being a fucking prick? I don't know, walking up to him going, you're looking really well, mate. It's weird, isn't it? I can't help it. It's just my reaction.

Don't compliment him yeah don't compliment him don't compliment him whatever you do he's really sensitive about that don't tell him he looks like shit but don't tell him

he looks good either just don't talk to him but he wants to be liked so let him know you like him just a reassuring pat on the back yeah

don't tell him he looks good but what he will do is after a couple of years on the podcast talk about how nobody says he looks good even though if you do say he looks good he'll react terribly people are

actually doing what he's what he wants them to do and that is sending him wild no be careful he's one of our souls away from there okay next email is from the spotted stingray and the spotted stingray says dear wolf al, Al, Swan and Cat, very long time listener of the show and always wanted to write in, but I haven't needed to seek your sweet, sweet advice as of yet. Instead, since hearing this,

since hearing the would you rather email, I've been trying to nail down the perfect scenario to stump you both. As I've come nowhere close to this, here's one. That's another format point that's fucking gone. Yeah, I know. As I read it, I just thought, oh God. Here's one to contempl's another format point that's fucking great. I know. As I read it, I just thought, oh, God.

Here's one to contemplate in the meantime. Would you rather be heckled by a group of eight random people every time you go to the bathroom, they'll appear in the bathroom when you lock the door, each person isn't able to record the events or be able to tell other people about the ordeal? You're able to communicate with them if you like, not quite sure why you'd want to, but the choice is yours.

If the cubicle is too small, the rest of the group will heckle you from outside alternatively would you rather from 1 p.m to 5 p.m each day your voice changes to a random accent from around the globe your voice is still you however it is a very noticeable additional twang added to it just to add in a further variable for the hell of it on sundays you won't receive either toilet hecklers or an accent to your voice. Look forward to hearing your thoughts on this very important matter. Much love, the Spotted Stingray. Wow, there's a lot of thought and consideration that's gone into this.

P.S. I've been travelling around Asia with my best friend's girlfriend for the last five months and I've been repping the pod by wearing my Burrito Bar t-shirt at every opportunity. Thank you so much, Spotted Stingray. Thank you, Spotted Stingray. This has been a real tough one because at first,

I'd go with option two when I heard them, but then there's a reason there that you have to explain it every day to other people that your voice has a twang. Yeah. And that you'd have to explain yourself out of some quite awkward and quite friendly, probably quite offensive situations. You know, if you're acting changed, and you just basically say,

oh, this happens every day between one and five. We were going to go Crown of India tonight, but Tom's gone that way. So I probably have to swerve it. Yeah, well, you'd end up, I think, getting into quite a bleak place where you probably wouldn't go out between one and five. You'd sort of be up in the morning and an evening person. Yeah. probably won't go out between one and five you'd sort of be a morning and an evening person yeah you could never do anything between one and five

well lunch lunch foreign lunchtime meals are absolutely yeah yeah yeah you'd have to go for a 12 o'clock lunch then just go home for five hours yeah and then hope he doesn't overrun just realize in the last half hour of that lunch you're going to become extremely racist the toilet heckle thing, quite frankly, fills me with absolute dread. That's almost like one of my worst nightmares. The only thing I would say

about that is, they're not going to be able to keep coming up with interesting stuff to say about it. I mean, like, it's embarrassing for people to see you take a shit. I imagine once that's happened a few times what's the variation yeah but i don't know if i've told this story before and getting into uh youth and bleak things i remember when i was a kid i was just so old it's not it's just sad but um i remember going to the swimming baths with my mum and i was probably in middle school so i was

probably about not eight or nine and a bunch of older boys from my school were there and they were there yeah no good story starts with a bunch of older boys and they were like 13 14 type thing and and then there was a couple of the younger brothers who were in my year anyhow I sort of been to it with my mum and then I went into the she was like oh you can go in the boys changing rooms type thing so I went in there on my own sort of feeling like oh yeah I feel pretty cool like, oh, you can go in the boys' changing room type thing. So I went in there on my own, sort of feeling like, oh yeah, I feel pretty cool. Like I sort of, you know.

And then usually I go in there with my dad, but I was on my own. And then I remember them all coming in and just feeling that atmosphere change. So I went in a cubicle and then they just started kicking on the cubicle door and banging on the cubicle door. It was absolutely, I remember the fucking fear of like,

you know, what is going to happen here? And then my mum sent a lifeguard in to help me. Oh my God. It was awful. And I just remember getting walked out, sort of still having to change, and just being taken into the family changing room to change. And,

you know, that thing of like, so weirdly, I think that's going to give me like PTSD. So I think there'd be a worry that every time i wouldn't be able to go to the toilet anyway like anywhere i just i had a very i had a very similar thing happen to me after an after-school sports thing i got bullied by a load of kids and then in the scuffle i was sort of getting changed as it was happening and i was getting sort of

ridiculed and rinsed or whatever, my trousers went missing and they had to call my mum and then I had to walk out of school with no trousers on. Fucking hell. How are we still here? How? Like, Like, it's so fucking bleak. Like, you know, like, you know, sometimes we talk about, you know when you see some get comedians and they're confident and they're like, and they get up and they do. Like, how have me and you been through this shit and we still have a job where we get up on stage in front of people?

But that, quite frankly, when I think of like the eight people every time you go into a tour heckling and essentially bullying you,

I'm like, no, I think I'd take the accent. I think I'd do that. Yeah, I think I would too because I think brown people can get away with it

a bit more. Tom, could you please do us the honour of taking us out? Yeah, Kerry Lunsbrook was the sweetest of all girls. She was kind and considerate, but whenever she had to make a decision, she did it by the flip of a coin. So if she went to a restaurant and she couldn't choose between a chicken parmigiana or a steak she'd

flip her coin if she couldn't ever think of like where she was going to go one evening if she had conflicting plans she could be going to make a decision it got to the point that whether she was going to have a shower or a bath or whether she was going to have a lucas aid or a wow hydrate was all done by the flip of a coin in a sense she could never make a decision herself and then one day carrie woke up and a coin was gone she rattled through everything to try and find it or just to find another coin but the year was 2045 and coins were hard to come by everyone was doing things now by banking transfers she went out into the world and she looked at her shoes and she thought should i put on my blue shoes on my world and she looked at her shoes and she thought,

shall I put on my blue shoes or my red shoes? She looked around for something to flip or toss, but couldn't find anything. So in the end, she just thought, hmm, I'll wear my red shoes. She gulped as she strapped them on and walked out into the street. Within two seconds, someone turned around and said, hey Kerry, I like your red shoes. And she thought, huh, wow, that was me, I made that decision. When she went for lunch, someone came over and said, What do you fancy off the menu? And she looked and thought, usually I toss a coin, but you know what, I'll have a margarita pizza.

The person turns around and said, This is a burger joint, we don't sell pizzas. And she said, Well I'll have your biggest burger then. And she was eating and she thought, oh this is delicious. I'm glad I went for the burger and didn't go to the pizza place. As the day progressed, every decision she made made it more powerful in herself.

She felt stronger almost, not relying on a coin to pick her up. As she lay in bed that night, she thought, hmm, should I watch TV or read a book? You know what, I'm just going to go to sleep. The truth of the matter is, it's easy to rest on other people to make decisions for you. To follow other people's paths instead of concentrating on your own journey. But for the most part, the best thing you can always do is make those tough decisions yourself.

Sit there, have a think and go, you know what? Today, this is the path that they must tread. Be strong, be wise, but most of all, be considerate. Thanks for listening, guys. That was really good okay well listen thank you so much for listening to the podcast you've been a delight as always

thanks for for joining us guys I don't know why I said you've been a delight I've got no idea how you've been but I'm assuming you've been a delight

yeah I think I have been I've been listening to a lot of Beyonce this week whoa so i'd love i'd love if we could go out with the with beyonce's cuff it but could i request jt that we play the remix that is called the weta remix of cuff it by beyonce guys take care of yourselves We love you all. Peace out. Black lights Spaceships fly Unapologetic when we fuck up the night

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