Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 51: Best Bits Vol. 2

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

Yes, that’s right - it’s the second of our Best Bits compilations! More classic stories, lively banter and favourite email questions from the first 150 episodes of the pod. Rom and Tom will be back next week with a brand new show. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What's better than getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin? Getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax. For a limited time, only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin at participating McDonald's in Canada. Prices exclude delivery. We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com.

Echo thinks it's presenting partners Sun Life. Yo, hello friends. It's me, Tom Davis, a.k.a. The Wolf. It's with a heavy heart and mass apologies, I have to tell you that for the next two weeks, myself and The Owl, a.k.a. Romesh Ranganathan, won't be able to record a Wolf and Owl podcast. This is due to me moving house and being bereft of any Wi-Fi,

so I'd have awful quality. And Romesh is in Africa making his hit TV show. So it's a massive, massive apology from us both. Yeah, we really mean that. We're so so sorry sorry everyone uh so what we've done is we've cobbled together two highlight reels these are the best of uh war for now up to now stories conversations and romesh telling me i've got words wrong oh i do more than that and i love you mate i too, Romesh. God bless you all and enjoy this listen. Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler

Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing The murder like they rolled in With a gang of crows Fuck the censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill

Never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn The sun to the moon You'll see nothing All you hear is a huff A puff and a Expect killings Red spilling

And flesh ripping Impressive innit The death bringing It's head spinning Just kidding Every word in this song Is about two grown men a huff a puff and a expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog okay are we recording we're recording welcome welcome to the wolf and owl this is a christmas episode yeah this is a christmas episode it's a christmas i'd say you know what's happened because we've look it'd be a miss of me not to mention the wolf and owl. This is a Christmas episode. Yeah, this is a Christmas episode. This is a Christmas... I'd say, you know what's happened? Because we've...

Look, it'd be a miss of me not to mention the fact. It'd be what, sorry? A miss. A miss? Do you mean remiss? A miss, no? No, it's not a miss.

It'd be remiss of me. What the fuck? Yeah. No, a miss. This is my Christmas present to you. It's remiss. Really? Remiss is a word...

I can't believe we're like 30 seconds in. No, but I've never fucking heard remiss ever said in my life. Well, you've never had it said to you then. Have you had a miss said to you? Yes. No, but a miss makes more sense than... No, but in the context... No, no, no.

In the context, a miss doesn't make any sense. No, hold on a sec. A miss, right? Oh, at miss. I've missed the point. Yeah. No, something's a miss In the context, remiss doesn't make any sense. Hold on a sec. Remiss, right? Oh, at miss. I've missed the point. Yeah. No, something's a miss. Yeah.

That works. Yeah. It would be a miss of me. That's incorrect. So remiss, where's it even come from? It would be remiss. I don't know.

I can't explain entomology of life. This is the trouble, right? Some dickheads come out and remiss is a word and we all just follow the fuck. At miss makes it work. Yeah, but that's how language works, Tom. Keep it as just a trouble note.

Everybody agrees that we're going to use certain words for certain things. Yeah, I know. If you suddenly decide that you're going to just pick your own word. Yeah, like bubba shunk. What? If you said bubba shunk for something.

Yeah, I'd go, that sounds racist. Really? How does that sound racist? Bubba shunk? Bubba shunk does not sound racist. Why is it? No, if you just said, oh mate, I went out the other day,

had a few beers, had some chicken, and it was Bubba Shunk. Yeah, okay. But equally I could hear that word in the context of some Bubba Shunks are visiting next door. Before we get into it, we've got to acknowledge that we have got

the third member. The third member who's, actually, I would argue, more essential than us two. JT. See, you know what? The trouble with JT, right, for me. The trouble with JT? No, no, no. I'm about to big him up.

No, I'm bigging him up. But I think, like, we've underplayed his animal name. I think he's a lion for me. I think before, what did we call you before, JT? You had like a really... Was he a pigeon? A bat. A bat, yeah, a bat.

But actually, you know what? Here's the lion. He's the one, to be fair, he's the engine room. He's, you know what? Do you know when people message us going, thanks a lot for the podcast? The truth is, is we take the plaudits, but JT is the one that deserves the plaudits.

To be fair, JT has now stepped up, because actually sometimes he reminds us to do the podcast. Yeah. And also, a number of times we send the... So we sit down, we do the Zoom, we send the record to JT, and JT will go, I've just had a listen. First of all, your sound quality is shit.

Can you actually switch on the mic that you've decided to use? Secondly, you've told that story nine times before on the podcast. Thirdly, you sound really aggressive on this bit. I'm going to take it out to benefit your career. That happens almost every week, right? No worries. I think if you're listening to this and you're walking along or you're sitting

in your office chair just do a little round of applause for JT and subliminally message him oh Rom little Christmas treat oh my god

we've got some espresso martinis in the house espresso martinis we're recording this at 21 Soho I'm going to make a big shout now it's the best espresso martini I've ever had in my life

mate it's do you know what the guy here throws just enough amaretto into it and it really is a christmas treat and also while i'm here and i'm being melancholy i'm gonna shout out 21 soho uh yeah 21 soho is great right yeah and uh it's unlisted. But me and you are going to rock. We'll do some... What's unlisted? That we're here in the basement doing podcasts? No, we're doing some work in progress.

We'll do work in progress. Yeah, we're doing work in progress here, yeah. But we wouldn't unlist the work in progress. No, I'm just saying... What do you get? Two people are coming to do a work in progress

at 21 Soho. Mate, I'd love the two people who came here. Do you know how unlisted works? It's a normal gig and then one person's unlisted. You can't unlist the whole show. No, no, no.

I think, right, let's do it then right we're gonna put out we're gonna put out our work in progress it's completely on this no we'll do one

night where it's unlisted one night it's listed and see who turns up that's what I'm saying to you I'm saying now everyone listen to this there'll be a

night in January that me and Romesh will be doing what's happened here who's that I don't know I've got some FaceTime video requests who for I don't know I don't recognize theTime video request. Who for? I don't know.

I don't recognise the number. Why are you FaceTiming people? I'm not FaceTiming. That's a weird thing. That's someone you've met in a bar who's showing up that they know you. Fucking hell. Have I given the phone number?

You've given your phone number. This is the trouble with you, right? I love you to death. Yeah. What's happened here, you've been out because it's Christmas time. You've been out partying.

Party rums come out yeah you're getting all baggy around the dance floor having a right laugh baggy? yeah what does that mean?

little fucking come on I've got to be honest with you I've now discovered another dimension to this it's that JT enjoys you ripping me that's something I didn't know because obviously

you know he listens remotely you've been getting baggy in Sydney right? yeah right what's happened is someone's a big fan of you you're ripping me that's something I didn't know because obviously you know he listens remotely now I know you've been getting baggy and silly right what's happened is someone's a big fan

of you you've given your number out now day of FaceTime I've had this scenario in my life yeah of course you have

because you give your number out to any fucking person that approaches you you know what I had it weirdly with a person who was a unit driver on a job

do you know what I genuinely thought you were going to say off colour I'm so sorry it's the way that you it's the way that you person who was a unit driver on a job. Do you know what? I genuinely thought you were going to say off-colour. I'm so sorry. It's the way that you hesitate. You thought that's where I was going to go. When I heard it all quietly,

you thought I was literally going to go there. You thought that's how I'd preach the subject. Yeah. With a unit driver who would go out on a Saturday night and FaceTime me at fucking 1am and he'd be out with some fucking people that he'd met. who would like go out on a Saturday night and his face time it like fucking what I am and he'd be out with like some fucking people he'd met like no always just be drunk and I first cut times I answered because I thought he might be an urgent need of saying yeah and he was just that leather with some friends yeah

I've had that where I've given my number to people or people I used to go to school with they're, they'll say, I know Romesh and then I'll suddenly get a number posted. It's just them with a girl that they're trying to get it on with. I'll get Romesh to say hello to you or whatever. So often it happens, like I get,

the number of FaceTime videos I get are like 11.30 at night. What's it like, I know it's a really, like, what's the best case scenario? Like, me and you have struggled our whole lives.

Do you know what I'm going to do? In order for me to try and sleep with you, I'm going to FaceTime somebody that's barely slept with anyone. Why do you think so coked off your head and so fucking drunk that you think the aphrodisiac that I need is a FaceTime with a fucking middle-aged man with three kids? Do you want to FaceTime where I'm showing Nathan? Yeah, I do.

But actually, weirdly, as he answered, my vagina completely dried up. Completely. You're in bed with a swan. As he answered, my desire to have sex ever again in my life completely evaporated. We haven't even introduced, we're drunk. So we haven't said that. This is the drunk episode. So this is the episode

that people have called for. Yeah. How many drinks you had? You've had quite, you've, let me say, I've had a lot. Like,

you've played catch up hard. Yeah. I came in. No, because you, because what happened was, let's give some context there. Yeah.

I turned up at 21 Soho. Yeah. About, what's the time now? It's five o'clock. I turned up at 20 to four. Yeah. And I started drinking because you told me thatclock. I turn up at 20 to four. Yeah. And I started drinking

because you told me that we were going to meet at 20 to four. I said we'd meet at half three. Yeah, but you still weren't there. Yeah, I was 10 minutes late and you still weren't there. And then, so I started drinking and then I phoned you

and you said you've been on a boozy business lunch, right? I've had a boozy lunch. Shout out Humphrey, Elles Hill, which makes you sound real. Should we not make the entire podcast a shout out should we actually deliver some content

you know so no I had a few I had six pints before we we came to sit down and then you literally were like

I think it was like say Carl Lewis Linkford Christie sort of vibes what does that mean like trying to like literally

you know when you see someone back in that 100 metre sprint? A topical band from you? And someone's... Carl Lewis and Limba Christi? No, no, but Carl Lewis was...

Somebody's not watched athletics for the last 20 years. Mate, I'm talking about Hay Day. Yeah, yeah, sure. You were playing catch up hard.

You were coming up behind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was because... And you have literally now, you're sitting there with an espresso martini.

I've got two beers in front of me, one espresso martini. Yeah. And I'm loving life. And you're sitting there with an espresso martini. I've got two beers in front of me, one espresso martini, and I'm loving life. And you're going Christmas shopping after this? Yes, I am. Do you have a list? Yeah, and I'm checking it twice. Oh, God.

God, this is drunk wrong. Imagine if this was your banter. I'm checking it twice. It's the first time. Hooray! It's been nice! I'm battered, though. I'm going to It's been nice I'm battered though I'm going to level with you I'm level

I feel pretty drunk I went Christmas shopping before Yeah Yeah yeah Tell us a story Because you told us a story No no no I went to Selfridges right

And let me say The thing that really infuriates me About modern day shopping right Is that you can't just go in And buy a same Before we get into this Tom Davis Man of the people, gone.

No. I went to buy Catherine a special gift. I won't say what it is on here because it's a surprise. And I've been looking forward to getting in there. Like, I still get a buzz out of buying that yellow bag. I'm not going to... Oh, the Selfridges bag.

I still get a buzz out of that. There's a time in my life I'd never thought I'd be able to buy anything from Selfridges. So I buy that yellow bag to have it under their tree. Every now and again looking at it and thinking... Hold on, you just put it in the bag? No, you have the gift wrapped in the bag. In the bag?

So hold on. At your house, the Selfridges bag is under the tree? Yeah. Listen, you've had that sweet squiller longer than I have. No, but you put it in the bag. The carrier bag. It's a carrier it in the bag. The carrier bag. It's a carrier bag. It's not a carrier bag.

It's a fucking work of beauty. You're talking about a big yellow bag. That's a big thing. Look at you, Big Zen. You're sitting there. I'm not Big Zen, but you fucking wrap a present under the tree. You don't put it in the bag that it arrived in.

You get a gift wrap, you put it in a Selfridges bag, and someone goes, oh, fucking hell, it's from Selfridges. That's some squiller. Okay, fine. Right? You don't just literally, like...

Do you know what? Do you know what? They always should do it in Christmas movies. Just a selection of department store bags just under the tree. Look, what I love about you is, well, I know for a fact you are not fucking literally leaving here and going to H&M to buy Lisa's fucking present. No, I'm not.

Like, it's a big thing in our house. Sure, but the bag, that's a decision, bro. Right, the bag is a big, I think the Selfridges bag is one of my favourite. When I see people buying around it, I think, good luck to you. I feel like shaking their hand and saying, well done. I think it took me a long time

to ever buy anything in Selfridges. Yeah. So for me, I went in there and I was like, I had my mind set on the thing I was going to buy, right? Yeah. Like, you know, so for me, I went in there and I was like, I had my mind set on the thing I was going to buy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get to the counter,

ask for the thing, which was more of... So, hold on, okay, look, I know you don't want to say what the thing is, but I don't understand, I sort of didn't understand

your story. So, you've pre-ordered the thing, right? No, no, no, no, no. I went in there knowing what I wanted because it's, like, very Pacific

and I'm... No. JT. JT has taken a sip of his Guinness. Yeah, JT's got... It was absolute relish. How do I edit an S onto that? Oh, he really is a thick prick.

But, so I've gone in there, Pacific. Mate, I've had an absolute nightmare. I desperately need a piss. You've literally had one. I watched you go and have a piss just before we started. I know. Like, okay've had an absolute nightmare. I desperately need a piss. But you've literally had one. Why don't you go and have a piss just before we started? I know, like,

okay. It's literally like, can I get, can we get to the end of this anecdote? Yeah, but you asked for the anecdote and then halfway through you're like, oh,

I'm glad they can't take it. I know, but. It's been a long story. It's been a lot shorter story. You were fucking interjecting all the time. Just tell the story. Right,

listen, I get you. And then, okay. What, you know what now? I'm under pressure to tell the story hold on

we've got a couple of strategies here either we pause the podcast while I take a piss or you fill while I go and take a piss I'll tell you what's

going to happen here you go and have a piss you're second within about 10 minutes which generally fucking worries me it's not a second within 10 minutes

how long are we doing the podcast for do you know what by the way you represent everything that's wrong with fucking men in this country no Not a second within 10 minutes. Right, how long are we doing the podcast for? Do you know what? By the way, by the way, by the way, you represent everything that's wrong with fucking men in this country, right? No, because you go out with your mates, you go out with your mates,

and it's supposed to be... No, no, no, no, no, shut up. You're supposed to be supportive and nice. If you dare, even in 2022, if you dare to take a piss out of Sequence in this country... It's not Sequence.

You get a fucking rinse. No, no, no sequence in this country, you get a fucking rinse. No, no, no, no, no. You ask for a story, right? You ask for a story. You start a conversation and literally five seconds into it, turn around and go, actually, I need a wee-wee. Like, it's...

No, I love you to death, but, right... No, listen. Don't write fucking checks your bladder can't catch. Can I make a shout now? Your I love you to death is the equivalent of everyone else's I'm not racist, but. Okay? I'm calling it now. Okay?

Because you say I love you to death. Every time you say it, I know that you're going to absolutely fucking rinse me. No, you know it. So there you go. I've called it now. I love you. I've wanted to call it for 200 episodes. Now finally we're fucking face to face. I've had a now I love you I've wanted to call it for 200 episodes now finally we're fucking face to face

I've had a couple of drinks have your way me and JT are going to chat and we'll do some filler I'm going to go now I think you're going to tell the anecdote

well I'm going to have to it's going to be a fucking commercial break and the worst story ever have I told you about when I was in Edinburgh and I was like I didn't have an agent

have I told you this story no no don't think so so I was in Edinburgh and I was like, I didn't have an agent. Have I told you this story? No, no, don't think so. So I was in Edinburgh at the festival and, you know, meeting all these industry people. There's somebody that wanted to like work with me. And they said, you know, a good thing about working together to do if you're going to work together is like, you know, just have an evening together and see how it goes.

And, you know, if we get on. So I went, all right. So before I went to meet this person i had quite a few drinks with like a couple of mates and then i turned up to meet them and then we had a few more drinks and i was quite pissed right and we i didn't get up and i think i'm too pissed for this to really carry on and me to like give a good account of myself here so i'm gonna take myself out of the situation so anyway this has been really nice i'm gonna i'm gonna head off and he went oh which way are you going where's your where's where are you staying and i said oh across the other side of the

meadows and he went oh i am too so we started walking together and we're sort of walking i'm trying to hide my pissness anyway about midway back to the flat my flat i start really needing a piss like really really badly needing a piss right so i'm thinking to myself i don't there's no bars here we're sort of out there's no nowhere to go really and i don't really know this guy i'm sort of feeling slightly uncomfortable i don't want to go behind i don't want to say to somebody this industry person i'm just meeting that i'm going to go behind a tree for a piss, because some people just are not cool about that, right? So I just thought, I'm just going to have to hold it in.

So I carry on walking, and then I just start getting really fucking desperate, like super desperate, right? I'm so drunk, right? I don't know why I thought this is okay. I thought, I'm just going to do a bit of piss to release the pressure. Oh, no. Jesus Christ.

I genuinely thought my sick story would be the most disgusting thing that we talked about here. So, I just thought, I'm just going to do a little bit of piss

then cut it off, right? And then hopefully I've just emptied the tank. You can't. The mechanics don't work like that. Well, I did manage to cut it off, right so so what happened was i took i pissed a little bit and then i stopped but then what happened is i became much more desperate than i was before obviously right because like everything had gone into launch sequence then do you know what i mean it's like

so i'm carrying on walking and i'm just like fucking hell i was almost it was i needed to piss so much more i was almost nostalgic for how much i needed to piss before i just done that strategy right so i'm carrying a walk-in thinking what the fuck am i gonna do he carries on talking so i basically i just thought it was sort of dark and quite wet i basically decided to slowly piss myself as I was walking on the road oh my god that is the bleakest thing I've ever heard in my life did he have any idea

that you were just doing that? I don't know because I was so drunk so I was thinking to myself I felt like I was doing a bit every now and again right just slowly slow release, right? Just release the valve, release the valve. How many points did you drop, by the way?

A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. So you probably, what, five points of urine coming out of you? I guess so, yeah. I guess so. So I was walking along. But the thing is, it's the first time it's ever occurred to me, you asking that question. What do you do if you think the person that you've just met that evening is walking along and wetting themselves as they're talking like what do you do do you address that i don't

think you address it no i think you think this person is a fucking low level psychopath like in any scenario this person isn't comfortable enough with me to get that this person is so uncomfortable with my fucking me as a human being he'd sooner piss himself than tell me I'm so sorry there's a tree there we've had 12 pints of lager I'm just going to go and have a piss which then puts the onus on them

because if they go oh that's disgusting that's them being like that you pissed yourself and you didn't even do it in one go you systematically Like, that you pissed yourself. And you didn't even do it in one go. No. You systematically pissed yourself. So you were like... Yeah, I sort of did it every time we sort of finished an anecdote

or every time I'd stop talking, I would do it. Well, yeah, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. You said you were sober enough, right? You were sober enough to be telling anecdotes and still be selling yourself as a comedian right you were that sober yeah but you were also drunk enough to think that pissing your pants in public was okay like that's not even like an accidental like oh yeah yeah i was walking down the street and I pissed myself. That's like, I actually think that this

I think it's more socially acceptable for me to piss my pants than it is to be as disgusting as we behind the tree. Do you know what the worst thing about it was? I've got no idea to this day

how aware that person was of what happened. What I can tell you is my flat was first and as I turned to him to say goodnight, there was a bit of steam coming off my tree. He didn't give you a cuddle, did he? No. Like a TV cuddle.

No, thank God, no. Steam coming off your trousers. He didn't give you a cuddle, did he? No. Like a TV cuddle. No, thank God, no. Steam coming off your trousers. But we're walking pretty fast, so rubbish is a little bit of, like, fucking chafing. Steaming chafing. Burning off a little bit of lactic acid there or something. What did you do with your trousers and your pants?

I ran in and I put them straight in the wash. I wouldn't have thrown them. If'd have shat myself i probably would have you ever shower before bed or before bed yeah i'm not a fucking animal yes i did what do you know what do you know what no no no no i think the worst thing about that might be you asking me that question no no no how dare you how dare you you've just told me and all these listeners that you wet yourself on purpose because you thought it was too... Like, I don't even know who I'm dealing with anymore. Old school Rob, I'd go,

yeah, he definitely shall. There's a part of me that thinks you're just laying in bed after... Just in a T-shirt with no fucking pants and jeans on. And your T-shirt and socksshirt sucks waking up in damp sheets oh my g hey i just got us a new coca-cola spice nice what's it taste like it's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee.

Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live, and play at Chateau Roosevelt.

Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April the 1st, streaming on Disney+. is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together it's human up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters

oh you know go back to the beach thing as well you know actually the worst thing of the beach thing right i went from swimming in the the sea with my dad Ron right my dad took his t-shirt off and my dad's got a six pack what my dad's in such good nick like genuinely I felt

like oh I've got to take my t-shirt off next to my dad now and he's got a six pack yeah like genuinely he looked

he ran into the sea like David Hasselhoff and just took a leap in there did you know that he had a six pack no no I knew that he was in good nick but I didn't realize he was busting that kind of vibe he still does weights now and he does like little tight shit like genuinely I was like man do I just keep my t-shirt on that's the worst look isn't it you can't go to sea with your t-shirt on because then you basically if you go the way I see you go to sea with your t-shirt on and you've

got to walk back to your house half naked. Well, it's not just that that's the problem. The other thing that I find is you're okay going into the sea with a t-shirt on while you haven't got into the water yet, right? Yeah. But then what happens is you come out of the water

and you've got a really clingy t-shirt on. Do you know what I mean? It's just stuck to your body. You basically look like a fucking seal. Do you know what I mean? It's just stuck to your body. You basically look like a fucking seal. Do you know what I mean? I'd say that's the best thing. I can wait to get into the sea, take my top off, and then just dive under the water.

So then I look quite brave. It looks like I don't give a shit about how cold the water is. But then this is a mad thing. I don't know if you've ever had this, because me and you have talked about this before. Do you ever worry when you dive in the cold water about having a heart attack? All time all the time it petrified yesterday

that like grace's first memory of the beach would have been me leaping into the water really like to sort of like hide hide my muffin top from the fucking world and then have a massive cardiac arrest and like people dragging me out to see me sort of spluttering and someone sort of saving my life sort of at the the shoreline yeah that that really crossed my mind yesterday well the other uh the thing that i've got a problem about which i'm sort of loathe to say that because i am opening myself up to an absolute shooing here, is it's not only the sort of worry about having a heart attack.

I cannot not scream when I go into ice-cold water. What? I think, out of the two, I think there's more dignity in having a heart attack than screaming

I've got to say I do think it would be better to have a heart attack and die than do what I do which is basically

Theo I'll give a shout out to Theo here he has changed my life well he has changed my life but in this specific thing he has changed it with regards to my attitude

towards going into really cold water because I used to think it was horrific and now i think it's a game changer i think it's wicked right like going into really ice cold but i cannot for whatever reason and and if i do manage to not do this it takes every sort of fiber of my being to not go as i go into I did that to be decent for the podcast I do more than that every time a wave hits a new bit of untouched skin

you'll get another sort of squeal from me oh my god I just so want to see you do you do that little prance like a skip thing as it hits you as well? Yeah. Look, all of the worst things that you imagine that I do, I do do those things.

Can you imagine being a 12-year-old boy and just thinking, I just want to go on the water with my dad, have a bit of quality time with him. This is our annual holiday. And then watching your father squeal as he hits the sea in a way that you're not even doing as a child. You know the worst thing of it as well is because you'd be trying to

make it up to Theo like it's not too bad. So you'd be smiling as you do it so you look a bit like a sort of like like a Tory MP in a fetish club. Although it's a little bit painful and it's a little bit of a kick in the dick

you're actually quite enjoying it still. It's fine, P.O. It's painful, but in a good way. Oh, God. Massive nipple erection. Yeah, and then I do that embarrassing thing of going, it's actually really nice. It's nice.

And then he's like, Dad, you can't start enjoying it now because you were so humiliating as you went into the water awful i can all i can feel is i keep getting a vision of you right so i'm like on your hands and knees so okay it's fine once you're actually under licking your lips like you've eaten a bit vegan burrito come on theo it's fine there's a lot of things there's a lot of issues i've got going into the sea so one is the squealing uh and the sort of screaming uh the other thing is i'm incredibly squeamish about anything

that i don't know what it is touching my feet and legs oh yeah yeah so i i like for example i don't even really like the sort of mushy kind of porridgey seaweed that you find oh see we can do one sort of walking through it i like seaweed in a restaurant but i don't like it on the beach yeah but that's not seaweed is it isn't it are you talking about the the crispy seaweed yeah i think you might have heard this conversation it's just shredded cabbage. What? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Why are they calling it seaweed then? What masquerade? I guess at some point in the origins of that dish, it was seaweed. And I guess in some places you get it. Literally, that's like, you can't call it seaweed if it's not seaweed. I genuinely want to go to heaven. You know what?

You're making me doubt myself. Let me just Google this while you... I think it's deep fried cabbage. Hold on. You're talking about the Chinese restaurant, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just add loads of sugar to it. Yeah.

Hold on. Yeah, here we go. The dish often served in Western Chinese restaurants is crispy seaweed. It's not seaweed, but cabbage that has been dried and then fried. Do you know what? I don't think I've been this angry in a long time. I'm absolutely, I feel my shoulders tighten. What a masquerade.

That's like genuinely, like the amount of seaweed is delicious. Just say it's cabbage. Do you know what? That is, I don't know who's got together and done this, but that feels like you've mugged so many people off. And it actually makes seaweed even more fucking pointless than it's ever been the only thing that i used to sort of look at seaweed when it touched my leg or get fucking stuck on something that i liked like with swimming trunks or fucking is i'd look at and go

fucking seaweed but then look at go actually know what it tastes delicious with some sugar yeah you know i'd love you i'd love a bit i'm annoyed of you now but i'd love a bit of you deep fried and a bit of sugar added um but the thing i would say in response to that is crispy seaweed that you get in the chinese restaurants there's never any point that i think i wish this tasted more aquatic i mean all you're all you're after is crunch and sweet yeah but i feel like that yeah but yeah but just say it's dried cabbage with a touch of sugar yeah but okay that sounds shit well cabbage i a touch of sugar. Yeah, but... Okay, that sounds shit. Well, it's honest. I actually thought as well there was a whole thing now

that we'd all got together and said, oh, you can't lie on menus anymore. Yeah, but the dish is called crispy seaweed. I think that's how you get away with it. Yeah, but it's not seaweed. That's like you turning up and saying, oh, do you want a muffin? And you going, oh, yeah, yeah,

I'd love a chocolate muffin, thanks, Tom. And me bringing you a fucking chicken breast. And you going, well, this isn't a muffin. That's what we're calling it here. Yes, I take your point. But, you know, if you see the little sweets, the fried egg sweets, they're called fried eggs. You're not complaining about those, are you? Yeah, but they look like fried eggs.

And I know that. And seaweed looks like seaweed. I don't eat one of those. It looks so much like seaweed that up until about five minutes ago, you thought it was. It's only because I told you that you think it's cabbage. Rom, rom, rom. Like, I don't eat one of those little fried egg sweets and go, oh, that's delicious.

What a nice fried egg. And you go, oh, you know that's a sweet. And I go, oh, what? I know it's a sweet because it comes in a sweet jar. Genuinely, the seaweed, they've made it look like seaweed. They've made it. And also, I swear to God, it's got sometimes quite a sea sort of smell to it.

I can't even tell Catherine she's going to be absolutely mortified about this. I don't think she's going to be as angry as you think she's going to be. I think there's going to be a lot of anger towards this. I think she might say, I think you might go in and go, I will go to my Chinese,

because I go to, shout out to my favourite Chinese restaurant, like walk this way. I go all the time. I go to Wong Ki's. I always Chinese restaurant, like, walk this way. I go all the time. I go to Wong Ki's. I always have seaweed because I actually find it a nice garnish to sort of sprinkle on any dish that you have at Chinese Takeaway, right? Right, right, right.

When I go and they say about seaweed, I say, don't, don't even now. Just keep that to yourself. I'll just sprinkle some shit. Don't do that. Don't. First of all, it's your favourite Chinese restaurant, okay? Yeah. We can get into the semantics of the fact that your favourite Chinese restaurant is called...

What's it called? Walk This Way. Walk This Way. Walk This Way. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. Walk This Way, right? So, you know, what that says about your taste in Chinese restaurants will leave to one side.

You cannot hold Walk This Way responsible for the entire Chinese restaurant seaweed policy. It's not fair. Can we not have to do something about this? It feels like... Listen, up until five minutes ago, you loved crispy seaweed. Yeah, I know. Until I found out it was just cabbage. Also, let me just say, cabbage should be ashamed of itself.

Cabbage is not gone. Oh, mate, can you do me a favour? Can you call me seaweed? It's not cabbage's fault, is it? Right, cabbage, for number one, it sneaks its way into crunchy salads, right? And you've got to pick your way, you know. Cabbage is fine at Christmas.

Like, you add a little bit of, like, red wine vinegar or whatever. Oh, that pickled cabbage. You're talking about pickled cabbage? Yeah, pickled cabbage. Lovely. Yeah, that's actually seaweed. I actually feel bad that I've told you.

Someone had to. I was going to find out at some point. This is probably the best way. It'd be better than this than finding out halfway through a lovely Chinese takeaway and someone's like, oh, it's just not seaweed. So when I was doing that, when we did Just Another Immigrant in the States, it's like the first day, like the second day of writing or putting the show together. And the American exec that was on the show, he said to me,

we're in LA. He goes, where do you want to go for lunch? He goes, there's this cafe down the place, and they do these vegan eggs. And he goes, I've tried them. And he goes, honestly, you can't tell the difference. Are you joking? No, I'm not joking. So he goes, look, trust me, come down here.

So we go down there, I order a mushroom omelette, right? Off the chain. He can't, he's fucking mad, right? Come back to the thing. I can't believe this product doesn't exist in the UK, right? Because it's like game-changing, right? And I said to him, what's it, what's that, what's it, like, so what it was called was Eggbeaters, right?

Eggbeaters, it's called the product, right? I get back to thinking, I can't believe that that is like, it's so mad how much it tastes like egg. I look it up, it's pre-beaten eggs. So it is eggs. So I've just eaten a fucking omelette. What the fuck? Did you just like, how did you even respond to that with him?

Well, it was so awkward because I didn't really... It's my second day working on the show. I don't really know this guy that well. And basically within four hours of meeting him, he's managed to break all of your beliefs. That's insane. I was genuinely there thinking, why the hell didn't you buy the distribution rights?

Mate, 100%. If that had been legit, like a vegan egg product, I would have been all out. I'll go on record now and say I think that's the one thing that as a vegan, I don't think you'll ever have the, I don't think I'll ever be able

to recreate the taste of eggs. Well, what do you mean by that? Because you can get vegan cakes and they substitute the stuff in for it. Okay, sorry, sorry. Let me be clear, right? The egg for me that because like you you can you can get vegan cakes and they substitute the stuff okay sorry sorry let me let me let me be clear right the egg for me is the most versatile thing that we have in our hat no what here we go this is no this is like it's here we go fucking this is typical this is absolute classic where tom heralds whatever we happen to be talking about as the

best thing ever it doesn't matter what it No, this is exactly why the humble teaspoon is the most versatile of all the tools or whatever. You always do this. Sometimes I'd say that, right? But I could not say and I could not speak earnestly about anything as much as I'm going to talk about the egg. Because let me tell you. Fucking hell.

In response to my criticism, you've gone bigger on it. Right. Okay, go on. The egg, right? You go into any breakfast cafe or whatever, and they turn around and say, how would you like your eggs cooked? That is a real question that you've got to ponder.

That's not one that you just go, oh, fried, scrambled, omelette, poached. Right? There's so many different ways that you can have it. Right? What I'm saying to you is... Do you know what this tells me? Is you're the sort of prick

that waits until you're asked to decide how you're going to have your eggs. Of course you do. You're adding... Otherwise you're cheating. Otherwise you're cheating. You're not cheating, Tom. It's not a timed quiz.

Let me just... This is because you're not used to ordering from a menu with loads of different fucking alternatives. You're used to literally getting somewhere and it's being like four different things and then you go, oh shit, oh thank God they've got vegan stuff. Right, and I salute you for that because I do think that's an incredible thing. It doesn't sound like you're saluting me. It sounds like you're absolutely rinsing me and suggest I don't know what it's like

to order from a menu as a result. No, right, yeah yeah but what you don't know is the different levels of like oh i have the fried breakfast please squire right how would you like your eggs so there's a question how would you like your what kind of bread i understand i understand i understand what it's like to be asked a question about how i would like something i do understand that believe it or not right so what i'm thinking right what i'm saying, right? What I'm saying to you is most people know how they're going to have their eggs before they're in that situation. Mate, I would say to anyone out there, right, leave it to the last minute because the worst thing you could...

And I hate saying this. I've been in places before where I've gone, oh, yo, can I have a fried breakfast, please, with a fried egg, right? Seconds later, as the merry waiter goes about their business, I sit there and go, oh, fuck. I wanted scrambled eggs. I think I want scrambled eggs now, right? But I jump too soon.

But at that point, you can just call the waiter back. Well, that's taking up more time. Yeah, but if that happens... What you've got to get in your head, right, is this. You're the waiter. You come over. Yeah, okay. Hello, mate.

Hello there. What can I get you? Ah, let me just look at the menu. I'm going to give my internal monologue. This guy's a c***. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Oh, God. Right. Right, sorry, God, God, God. Oh, hello. Sorry, I've not really had a chance to look at the menu properly.

Oh, well, what made you call me over then? Is there something I can get you to do? Oh, well, me and my friends who are actually visiting from Denmark are starving, and I've been telling them about your wonderful breakfasts. So I will go with the full English breakfast, please. Okay, great. Full English breakfast. How would you like your eggs?

Ah, that's a good question. That's a good question that you couldn't have possibly guessed I was going to ask before i arrived i think i'll have them scrambled now you said i've looked inside my internal brain and i think that i'm in scrambled a scramble kind of mood thank you sir and actually i'll order scrambled eggs for me and also my companions please three big breakfasts with three scrambled eggs so so let me just get this absolutely crystal clear you're you're happy to both take your time about making your own decision and then also ordering for everybody

else to take that away from them no no but i'm in there and i know how good like the other day i went for food for my parents i ordered uh like they're courses for because i knew what was amazing in there i was literally like yeah but yeah but but tom tom you don't decide that in the moment you don't like so you know before you get there what's amazing. No, I didn't order for them. This is what I said. I said, you need to have the cheese souffle or you will seriously regret that.

Again, not true. What? Like, this is the thing, right? No, because if they get something... The point I'm trying to make is, if they get something else and enjoy it and have a nice... They're not going to go,

fucking hell. I'm going to have to chalk that up as an opportunity. I'll go with a cheesy fry because I'm having it. Have a little taste of that. A little bob on their tongue. And they'll go, oh, this is delicious. And I'll go, yep, sorry. Sorry. We're not sorry. If you really want one, order one.

You're acting like you get one shot at ordering stuff. I don't understand what you're... No, you're going to order You're allowed to you get one shot at ordering stuff. I don't understand what you're... No, once you've ordered your stuff... You're allowed to order whatever you want. Yeah, you order what you want, but then if they taste my souffle and go, oh, yeah, sure, I might get one of those as well, then I've got to wait another 20 minutes

for my main course to come out. And the chef's going, what's going on, sir? Someone's got two stars, for Christ's sake. Yeah, but then you're the prick for giving them... Because you're being Billy Big Bollocks and trying to show how good your meal is, now you've got yourself

in a fucking situation, haven't you? No, that's... All of this is your fault. Right, two things... Don't talk about the cheese souffle. If I go to a restaurant with you, I'm going to tell you, I will give you my oath, right?

If we go to a restaurant and you turn around to me and you say, oh, I don't know, oh, I've done it with you before. The jackfruit burger is incredible. The chips are amazing, right? say, oh, I don't know. Oh, I've done it with you before. The jackfruit burger is incredible. The chips are amazing, right?

And then there was those little chili things that we got, right? You were raving about them. I went exactly for what you ordered. I copied it to the T. And by God, I wasn't disappointed, right? Because you knew it. You'd been there before. You'd sampled all the rides and the wares. Yeah, but you could have ordered something else and still had a nice meal it would have been yeah but why wouldn't

it be experts there i'm not gonna literally okay like i'm going looking for lost treasure and there's a pirate standing there he said oh i know where the lost treasure is i saw it last week right there's another bloke going oh i don't even believe in treasure who do you think i'm following who's asking directions to the treasure from a pirate? Because pirates are the people who always have the treasure. Notoriously trustworthy. Yeah, yeah. They often like to tell strangers where their treasure is.

No, no. I'm like basically, I don't know. What are you? What are you in this scenario? Tell me. I guess I'm just like a guy who's just helping out with stuff. What do you mean, helping out? He's a pirate.

I've walked over and I'm like, oh, look, I fancy life on the high seas. I might actually fancy being a pirate myself. You have to prove to me you've got a treasure. You have to prove to me you've got a treasure? Yeah, otherwise it seems like a vacation. I don't know if I'm going to invest my time in. Yeah, sure. Okay.

All right. What's happened here is we've made a mistake going down this path. But listen, all of these arguments that you've made still do not actually make the point that we're arguing about in the first place, which is when you came with me and we had the jackfruit burger and the fries and the little chilies and all that, did you see the way to come over and go, what would you like? And, oh, well, that is an interesting conundrum.

Let me ponder upon what the different options might have to offer. I just ordered that, and you copied me, right? Yeah, but also, I think he turned around and said, do you want any gherkins with that, any pickles? And you went, yeah, yeah, I'll work, sure. Yeah, that's a great way of making something up to just sort of help prove your point. How did you feel you were going to get away with that?

You're talking to the person that's actually fucking there. What this tells me is we seriously need to go out for food together somewhere, where there's different options, and see how we handle it. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Come on kids, back to the hotel room. Good night, kids. Good night, Mama. Life's a trip make the most of it at best western oh french lavender soy blend candle i told you home sense has good gift options well i don't know mom's gonna love it she'll take one sniff and be transported to that

anniversary trip you took to san Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense.

Why not kick back with a cold, smooth bush? Smooth taste. Great value. Bush Lager. Enjoy responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Something's going on in Romesh's room.

Yeah. Sorry, there's a fucking wasp that's just floating there terrified no i hate him man i've got a real thing about him i like the way that you've leveled up trying to look quite sort of gangster today and then literally sort of sitting back really cool and a wasp comes into the room your fucking arsehole just i just hate i hate wasps i hate i hate all summer bugs like i'm not what do you know what a great statement so so wasps. I hate all summer bugs. Do you know what? What a great statement. So wasps, what else do you hate? Mate, I don't even know the name of them or what they do.

There's a whole fucking raft of things. The only one I fucking have any time for is bees. I see a bee, I'm like, mate, well done. I'd fucking buy you a pint if you were big enough to have one. And I'll fucking keep supporting the honey industry. How terrifying a pint that would be, by the way. Just having a fucking pint with a massive bee. What a horrific evening that would be.

No, but like, I look at them and I think, mate, you're incredible for what you're doing. You're holding up the industry of life. You're fucking, basically... Sorry, can you just qualify what you're saying? You're holding up the industry of life. It's because you like honey.

No, no. Is that why you like bees? This is the thing. It's like you see the outset of honey, right? What they're doing is actually pollinating stuff and keeping flowers growing. Okay, okay, okay. So, mate, what you see is like,

oh my God, this is pathetic. I genuinely love you with all my heart, but I do not. If I was out with you in a pub right now and you acted like this, I would distance myself. And that's saying something, because I'd have a drink with anyone. Yeah, of course you would. You'd go and have a drink with a fucking stranger, yet you'd move away from me.

No, if you were like this, your face is contouring into places I didn't even think were possible. You'd be absolutely terrified by a wasp. I just hate them. Do you think this wasp is going back to the other wasps now and going, if you want to laugh, mate, get yourself down. There's this geezer. I've never seen anyone terrified.

What is he like? He's sat on his bed, all gangsta'd up, like he's in Menace's Society. And what's ironic ironic he's wearing a hornet's vest you've seen what he's like with us wasps

I'll tell you what mate can you imagine if you saw an actual hornet I love it if a hornet actually did turn up

imagine if Craig went in there imagine if Craig the hornet went in there he'd fucking shit his arse have you ever looked on YouTube at, like, Hornets take out a nest of wasps?

No. Because, like, Hornets are, like, proper bad boys. Yeah, they're like the SAS or the fucking, yeah, they're like a SWAT team. Yeah, if you go on YouTube and look at Hornet takes out wasp nest or whatever. Do you think the Hornets are doing that because they've got our back, or do you just think this? No, I don't think they've got our back.

A hornet will kill you as soon as it looks at you. This is what I'm saying. Bees are the only one that we can trust. You know the ones I hate? I hate with all my heart. Flies. Go on. Flies are the most disgusting thing.

More than wasps? Yeah. At least wasps have got a sting and they've got a little bit about them. Do you know what I mean? We've seen with you how terrified you are. What flies are disgusting. They literally sit around all day and shit and then just come fucking and sit on your food.

Actually, worse are wasps. Do you know how they eat your food? How? With their bums? No. Do you know what they do? Have you ever seen a fly doing that with its hands? Whipping its hands. But there you go me demonstrating

a visual thing on the podcast they what they actually do is they puke up onto your food because they can't chew or anything

so they puke up onto your food and they mix it with your food to dissolve it into a sort of soup and then they drink it with their little thing

that's how they eat what's the point of flies does anyone even know I mean you could say that about any creature what is the point of flies well no apart from bees you I mean, you could say that about any creature. What is the point of bees? Well, no, but apart from bees. You can't say that about bees.

No, you're right. And actually, there's a... I do like bees. And actually, bees are in trouble, aren't they? We need to take this opportunity. I buy local honey all the time. Shout out, bees.

I look out for... Well, yeah, I look out for the local bees. Because, obviously, there's, like, battery bee farms and stuff that make, like, all the... Like, that's why we should sort of try and pull away from the sort of mainline honey places.

I mean, obviously, I don't eat honey. Don't you? No. Why? Because you're vegan? Because I'm vegan, yeah. I did not know that. Hold on.

That was really horrible what you just did there. I know. You basically had to suppress a little fucking snort. Yeah, no, but earlier on in this chat, right, you're talking about bees like they're nothing, and now you don't eat honey, which is their industry. You can't look at honey like... Bees don't die to make honey.

Honey's not their industry. Honey's something they create for each other, and we go and fucking harvest it. Yeah, but you've got to think, without's definitely without that they've got nothing i completely i'm on your side when it comes to like cows pigs and all the other animals that you won't eat because i'm like they've been killed ran out ran out after pigs did you chickens yeah lambs sheep right i'm you know i'm fucking with you on all that right i can i can see your ideology, and I kind of dig it, right? But with bees, I'm like, these guys have actually,

out of all of the people in the world, they've gone, look, let's fucking do something for other people, for actual people, and everyone, really. Let's make something. Sorry, did you watch the bee movie and get carried away or something? No. Bees aren't doing this for our benefit. Mate,

whose benefit are they doing it for? Their own, I believe. I B-leave. Shall we do some emails, my G? Yeah, go on, brother. Hi, Rom, Tom and Swan.

Not a pleasant subject, but I need a man's perspective on this. Is it normal for a... This is from the Poggi Pigeon. Is it normal... I'm imagining is from the podgy pigeon. Is it normal... Well, I was just imagining the podgy pigeon.

It's a bit Nelson Muntz, that laugh. Anyway, is it normal for a bloke to do his business flush, wash hands, then just leave the bathroom without checking there's any matter left lingering in the toilet? Oh, man. I don't know why. This has made me feel quite gaggy. Matter.

If it's matter, I know they're trying to be less disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sick of finding splatter obviously resulting from upset bowels left in the toilet. Fucking hell. As a female,

I would always check the loo before I left as I'd be embarrassed to leave mess behind. Is it too much to ask that after you've been, you lift the lid, check underneath and use the cleaning products in the bathroom

to give the lid a quick spray and wipe down. It takes seconds when the offending matter is still fresh. Fuck. Yeah, this is a real...

It's certainly, this is, this is, I know we've talked about shit a lot, but this feels like the most disgusting email we've ever read, right?

You know, the most disgusting thing of all is it's like, there's a of me that i can deal with this in one or two ways i could tell you that it's not normal and that none of us do that or i can be completely honest and say that i still get told off for doing this now like i don't know what it is with with with us guys i genuinely think that sometimes i still think still think that whether it's like a fucking thing of being back in the caveman vibes. What has this got to do with the caveman vibes? Well, it's like I still can sometimes be really, really bad

for taking a big old... Yeah, but if the cavemen like shitting in a pile of leaves or something, aren't they? Yeah, but then they'd just leave it. They wouldn't put leaves on top of it. They'd leave it there and then just walk on do you know that? huh?

yeah man do you know that? yeah from what I know about cavemen that's what what do you know about cavemen? they lived in caves I'm pretty sure

what have we got? we've got 15 minutes left I'm pretty sure we can contain everything you know about cavemen right they lived in caves right they had to build fires to cook on

right they pooed wherever they didn't have actual toilets, so they'd start to poo in the woods and stuff, probably outside the cave. But in the winter, they probably had a little bit of the cave that became the toilet, right? Yeah, yeah.

They didn't speak a language. They spoke in grunts. So did they shit in the cave? No, only in the winter, I think. Okay, in the winter. And then I think it was just like a hole in the cave. Well, they probably, yeah. And then they spoke in grunts rather than in actual language,

but they still understood each other because actually you don't need language. Sometimes you can speak within faces. Yes. You know, one of the things that really pisses me off actually about cavemen, right? If me and you were cavemen, right? This is how I think it would go down if we were cavemen, right? I would have to go out and get all the food and fucking kill animals and shit right and you would be back in

the cave doing drawings and stuff right why because i because i'm a weaker person no no but i think that's just how we would have like revolt i don't know i just think that you that's you'd have taught me to go out and doing all the fucking like you know and you'd have been like like i'd literally come back in and go you're like oh like what what happened out there today did you get any i was like oh i fucking killed a woolly mammoth right how did how did cavemen congregate like because like you've made that you sort of suggested there that you and me would be mates yeah but did was there were there family units in cavemen i think so yeah yeah yeah so why were we hanging out together well we

had like a bachelor place this is before we met our other office this is but right so this is like this is like when we're at uni or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah well this is uh this is me and you as basically i say right you need this that's probably old age in cavemen years yeah yeah what's their life expectancy like 17 or something yeah i think if you made your 20s you were considered an old wiser right okay and then you got it. And then you are... So at this point then, so based on that then, we're eight, are we? How old are we? Eight or nine.

Okay. And I'm like, I've killed a woolly mammoth today. And then you're like, oh, wow, that's really funny. Tell me all about it. And then I'm telling you about how I've killed a woolly mammoth. So is caveman me, what, I would say, rough estimate based on what you just said there, 40% camper? mad me what i would say rough estimate based on what you just said that 40 camper

no you're just excited to hear about it yeah but what you just said was oh tell me what you've come that's what you just did you were just excited what did you what did you find on your travels that's what you just did anyway i start telling you a story like i basically i got one of the spears and i ran up behind him and hit him with a spear and i smashed him and then you start drawing it right i've done all the heavy lifting years later when they find that cave and see your drawings it's you who gets all the accolade why is it me that gets all the accolade they don't fucking sign that what are you talking about no it's because you will be the one who goes down in history because you've done all the fucking who goes down in history name name me the caveman artist that you know uh well i don't

know so talk talk to me brother tell me the name of the guy that got all the credit for doing the picture of the mammoth yeah but if you if you speak to like a caveman expert like an encyclopedia kind of guy he'd know about it tom they didn't even have names my name would have been oh and your name would have been and you'd have gone oh where's oh i was taking a oh take the bomb I doing this? I'm extending this bit way beyond its fucking capabilities. Anyway, go on.

Yeah, but that's, mate, there would have been caveman artists. There would have been people like other cave people would have come to our cave to look at our, and everyone would have been like.

Such, such an incredibly long time to make no point whatsoever that was. oh god anyway so what's your advice to this person well look i think you just have to bring it up with him um it's a really embarrassing thing for both of you to have to talk about but um i think we've all been there i think you know what it is it's a it's a feeling i think he he probably feels too comfortable and too relaxed and I think that's the problem and actually I think you just you need to go look you know

well this is in a way you're honored because you're living in a space where you both feel he feels relaxed enough to do that you also have to look go you need to up your toilet hygiene game and you know clean up after yourself it's like i say just do it over a nice dinner like you know have some food have a little bit of a laugh and a joke and just basically maybe be like oh yeah that was a lovely meal i really enjoyed it and sort of have a little cuddle and say oh by the way you know when that this dinner works its way through your digestive system just yeah when you go to the toilet and shit no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you don't... Look, I do agree that you need to have a talk.

You don't at dinner. No, after dinner, when you're sitting out at a cup of... I mean, I'm glad you enjoyed the food. When it comes to turning this out, can you make sure you clean the toilet properly? Fuck it, don't do that. No, no, just be like... Make a bit of a joke out of it.

Make it a little bit funny and sexy. There's a bit of a joke out of it. Make it a little bit funny and sexy. But there's a way of like doing it that doesn't have to feel like you're sort of, yeah, just, yeah, feel the moment. And then like if he doesn't heed to that and just be like, yo, yo, the fucking toilets are disgusting. It's not my place to clean up your shit. And then he would definitely do something about it. Tom, while we're on this subject, we got into a little bit of trouble.

Not trouble, but we had a few complaints about the way that we dealt with one of the emails. Do you remember there was an email about a bloke that didn't do any housework? Yeah. And we got more than one email, which is why I mentioned it, about the fact that we were a bit forgiving of men not doing much around the house. We just sort of were a bit like, that's what men do and that's how men are. And I think I speak for both of us when I say that that wasn't our intention oh no it's just the point we're trying to make is is that men are i don't want to get myself into more trouble here

but sort of less by nature sort of sometimes can be sort of less considerate is that what yeah like that's what i mean but they shouldn't be like they shouldn't be let off the hook like in that situation very much like this one i'm not making an excuse for for no men like and if i'm honest with you this guy i come off the back of like having therapy about my own fucking situation as being a man like couple therapy and talking about you know the every issue we talk about is issues that i've talked me and katherine has talked about in therapy and it our therapist will tell us and she will turn around and say the truck is is a literally this is what men are like and the way of you have to hotwire the situation of being

us being more considerate and that's what i mean like and i'll say it and jess but with all seriousness you just need to say stop fucking shitting all over the fucking toilet and show me a bit of respect because it all comes back you need to keep doing it over and over again every single time and like and to the people who complain about the housework thing as i said like i do i do loads around the house like but men are just fucking you have to i don't know why like i think it's you know a boy i don't think it's right but that's just what men are like and they're not making any excuses or fucking saying that's just how it is you have to fucking do something about it and we all have to stand up and be better fucking but that is what it is um thank you for your email podgy pigeon where's

your advice i've done i'll sort of incorporate it into. Okay, okay. Okay, let me do it. I'll do it separately. Yeah, no, no, no. What you've done is jumped on the back because you've read these emails about the housework thing and you're like, oh, I don't want to get involved in another situation like that one. What's happened now?

That's your scared voice. What happened there? That's your scared voice. Oh, God, it's happening again. We've got some controversy on the old podcast. What are we going to do? Controversial hour. They're going to cancel us.

We're going to drop down the charts. I can't wait to see all the negative reviews and madness. Oh, by the way, talking about dropping down the charts, the idea to move to Thursday is really fucking giving us a real it's really fucked us yeah I think so yeah I haven't looked I tend not to look at those things Tom you you're sort of the guy yeah

yeah but I'm like the Alex Ferguson the podcast so what are you suggesting that we move back to Wednesday well no I think we've got I think let's do another one more Thursday because you did suggest Thursday because it gives us an extra day then ask for to record it on the same day that we always do. Completely negating the point of putting it out on Thursday. You know that, don't you?

Yeah, I do. Anyway, my advice to you, Podgy Pigeon, please don't get me into trouble for this, is you need to repeatedly, and for, because based on your email, it sounds like you're really fucking pissed off about that um oh yeah look she's actually podgy pigeons actually referred

to our kind of shit advice is this yet another men's brains are different and we don't think of things like that situation out guild uh or just lazy and selfish behavior the truth is it's a bit of both uh you need to just be open and talk to him about it and demand that he sorts out because it's fucking disgusting why should you have to clean someone else's shit when they're able to do it themselves i understand if somebody's incapable doesn't sound like he's incapable so you need to demand every single time until he gets it fucking sorted. I mean, look, if you were that way inclined, I'd start doing the same as he does and then getting him to deal with it. I love that.

Yeah, or, you know, maybe a war of attrition where you're both shitting and splattering and splattering until you basically... You're going to be in a situation where no one wants to go into your house. Which, to me, that's a win-win. Okay, good luck. Good luck, Poggey Pigeon. Okay, Tom. Yeah.

I kept you waiting. I would describe my performance on this episode as, I don't know, a three? Maybe it would have been one of my favorites. Yeah, if you're talking out of five, you've been great. It's been my favorite version of you. The old booze hound. Tom, could you do us the honour of... Do you know what?

I do quite enjoy what happens to my voice when I'm... Yes, but you've kind of got a nice croak to it. Please, could you please... You sound like a sort of sexy frog from a Disney cartoon. Yeah, oh yeah. I think you need to go and speak to him. Yo, yo, yo. Okay, Tom, could you take us out of the podcast please

yo let me just say this I'm going to break it down break it down don't give up that's on so many different things yeah oh yeah it comes to me and it dawns upon my brain and into my spirit

so much of us in life start upon a journey that we never conclude. On a journey. And when it's doing that, what happens is a little bit of us chinks away. A little bit of the thing. Chinks away. Whether it's you looking around thinking,

yeah, I'm going to start knitting. I'm going to knit my bro a jumper. I'm going to knit. I'm going to knit my bro a jumper. Yes. And you never get to that place where the jumper becomes one you just end up

with some wall and a few lines of something that was a good intention never finish that jumper was a good intention yeah oh yeah

on my brain the greatest thing you can do is start something and finish it yo for me this week I started playing

championship manager haven't played it for a long time started off as Palmer and my dream is to one day lift the Champions League that road has been

met with adversity but I will get there because if there's one thing it's Champions League it's resilient yo I want you to pick

something this week it may be eating 15 apples I love apples it may be cleaning all the trainers stroke shoes they're so dirty

it may be learning how to moonwalk. I want you to learn so and accomplish it. And with that, I want you to... Sorry, it took me too long to do that. ...send videos of you achieving things that are all for now. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. Let me say, every battle in every war is winnable and losable. But you've got this one. You've you got this one it's up to you

whether you can win or lose it so pick something and my god defeat it you got it you eat it you shit it out of your ass

you are the one shit it out of your ass I was really not prepared for shit it out out your ass. It was exceptional. Um, yeah, that's,

that's my word. Thank you so much for the advice. It's great advice. It's great advice. If you ignore sort of circumstance and luck as being factors in your journey. Um, okay, cool guys.

We will see you next time. I'm so sorry for how hung over I was today, but I promise next time I'll be better. I speak for the whole pack. If you make it a hat trick next week, then we've got a problem. Yeah, I would agree with that. Because if it's three weeks out...

I mean, that could be a problem because I'm in Halifax next week. Oh, my God. And I think we all know Halifax. They're in the fucking very old fucking erection you had for Stockport, Halifax is I think the most likely things can happen is that I'm gonna have a curry hangover because I think we're going out for a little Ruby ting off. Let me show man. That's my favorite kind of hangover. Yeah, boy um all right guys

thanks so much we'll see you soon take care bye-bye