Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 62: Film Pitches & Teeth Cheats

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

We’re talking… guest rap verses, an 8 Mile remake, Tom's film pitches for Rom and The Rise of ‘Easy’ Eliot Buchanan, very patient dentists, not following instructions, a holiday debrief, airport fast-food, travel trouble, massage pants and keeping flexible. Then some email questions on how best to deal with a wacky sales assistant and a scandalous secret about a meat-eating vegan. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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speed of, well, life, Enterprise is right there with you, around the corner and around the globe. We'll keep you moving forward. Enterprise. For lives and drive. Yo. Yo, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws?

Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last Requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake

That's an awful howler Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill

Never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing All you hear is a huff, a puff And a Expect killings Red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive in it

The death bringing It's head spinning Just kidding Every word in this song Is about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Um Big up yourself and all the man dem.

Yo, what's going on? Run, go tell your friend. The wolf of now just picked up in the fucking what? Hello. Oh, man, that was amazing. You really lost...

You've got this amazing way of starting off with such gumption and then slowly just petering out and it was... Yeah. Well, that was well that's

that's an apt description of my career i'd say no no no it's not your career is beautiful but i can see with your mt and your rapid would you ever release an album of like so well it's funny you say that tom but um i've actually i've got this is so So there's a rapper called Verb T. Right. From the 4Ls, who... Well, he's not from the 4Ls. Verb T existed before the 4Ls. But he's done a tune on his latest album about being in your 40s, and there's a remix of it he's done. And I can exclusively reveal that I'm spitting a Hot 16 on that track.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. So hold up. Recorded it a couple of weeks ago. So do you think, would there be a chance you'd do Fire in the Booth with Charlie Sloth?

No, because that requires sort of talent and ability. No, no, no, but you've got talent. I scraped together a verse for this tune. See, I think you're being harsh on yourself now. I think I'm being realistic, you know? I still think there's something in you that I'd love to just see do this. I don't think your life can be complete until you've had a run at fucking an Alvaro Rico hip-hop album.

Yeah, I mean, that's my real dream. I mean, this is the... I'm doing this because I have to. But, like, actually, I've been very open about this. I'd rather be a rapper than this. Yeah, yeah. It's the same with me in golf or football, but I can't do either of those things.

Listen, football I'll accept because I know football runs... Golf, you can't suddenly start claiming that you want to be a golfer. Oh, no, no, no, not since young. But you have a legacy feeling with rap i think there's a moment i think there's a moment in your life like i think you could be the real life eight mile yeah if eight mile was a film about a guy who's sort of not even young enough to be in a midlife crisis as i don't think he wants to be a rapper i actually arguably think that's a better film by the way yeah but do you know what it is that's the difference between it being like an actual

credible hip hop film and being something like the Full Monty nothing against the Full Monty wow wow fucking Robert Carlyle literally sitting there fucking listening to this absolutely you are 8 mile in Robert Carlyle and everyone

you're fucking going in on the Apple Monty gang they're all sitting there. What's going on? No, but I love, listen, I love the form, Monty. The point I'm trying to make is, like, you know, it would be like me trying to be some sort of novelty rap act, wouldn't it? No, no, no.

I think it would be like, this is how I'd pitch it. Yeah, go on. You know, Elliot Buchanan is, like, basically a guy who's lost in his world, right? He gets divorced, you know um elliot buchanan is like basically a guy who's lost in his world right he gets divorced you know um what what is your problem with giving me a character name that actually reflects my fucking ethnicity why am i why am i elliot buchanan in this i was stewart williams in king gary no i like the name for you yeah fine then cast a white guy, I like the name Elliot Buchanan for you. Yeah, fine. Then cast a white guy. I just like that name.

Yeah, fine. Because if you listen to the end of the fucking thing, the whole film is called Easy Elliot, right? Okay, this doesn't... That's not a mic drop moment. Oh, there's egg on my face. I didn't realise that's where you were going with this. Yeah, but also, because other people think it's it's like oh there's a rapper coming down here what's his name oh everybody calls him easy elliot sounds like missy elliot jesus christ

no it's a bit clunky at the moment because i haven't written it all yeah sure sure and then you come in and you're like um uh hi uh i'm elliot buchanan uh easy elliot um any chance i can get on and do some rapping and they're like do some rapping who is this kid and then you start spitting bars and it's yeah but if i'm spitting bars like that it's not gonna be fucking cool is it your rap accent's like a really cool one so suddenly I don't have that so I'm able to do a cool voice but for some reason I choose to talk

with that sort of nasal voice is that what you're saying no because you can't put that voice like a cool voice on all the time I'll tell you what

it's a bit like actually have you ever seen Little Voice with Jane Horrocks no I haven't it's a beautiful film and that is kind of because she has

this little squeaky voice, she can't say anything. And then out of nowhere, she'll sing like massive fucking show tunes. So it's like, it's basically like, and then probably I'm like this guy who's driving around fucking LA Boulevard

in a Cadillac. And then I just like drive past, like, hey, what the fuck is that? And then I come walking out, come walking into like your old... So your speaking voice is cool, yeah? Yeah, but... What's your name in this? I don't know. and then I'd come walking out come walking into like your old so your speaking voice is cool yeah yeah but no because what's your name in this

I don't know fucking Big Dick McGee or something no Toby Wachowski and like Toby Wachowski right

and I'm like an up and coming like fucking quite a cool edgy sort of like music promoter but I haven't got my big fucking act yet no I imagine you've been

up and coming for a while yeah I'm like 52 now since I was 23 but I haven't got my big fucking act yet. No, I imagine you've been up and coming for a while. Yeah, I'm like 52 now, since I was 23. I'm playing above my age. And I'm in my Cadillac. I pull over. I'm like, who the fuck is that? And then I sort of start running up these stairs and listening to all the doors of these apartments.

And I think at first, is that Big E? Or is it like fucking Snoop or one of the other cool ones? Right? And then I get to this door I burst through and you're like bloody hell I'll give you everything and I'm like was that you rapping and you're like yeah and then from there we basically work out that you've got this incredible gift

okay it's actually not a bad idea yeah and then you can basically do all the different big rappers like you know all the cool ones like your voice can like like, you're sort of like... Sorry, my act is that I impersonate the big rappers. No, you don't impersonate. Like that guy that did America's Got Talent recently.

Yeah, a bit like... Actually, that could be... Like, it's a bit like him, but you're, like, cooler and edgier. And then your album... Do you see how much further and further away this is getting from 8 Mile, yeah? Yeah, but it's like your album blows up

and everyone's like, fucking hell, this guy's incredible. And then you just do like a track with Ed Sheeran. We get Ed Sheeran in the film with you. Yeah. And he's acting like you're... Have you seen Yesterday? Yeah, I thought it was brilliant, by the way.

I thought Ed Sheeran was great in that. Yeah, I thought it was amazing. And then basically we get some of your other music friends and they're in it as well. Yeah, okay. Yeah. This fucking Elliot guy is the best. Like, the trailer would be like,

he was a guy with a dream. For fuck's sake, why would anyone take a chance on me? Until one day someone took a chance on him. I'm going to take a chance on you, man. Elliot Buchanan's life is about to change. Every time I stop and think. This is basically, this is like a fucking five-minute roast now. It's not a roast.

I'm saying it's a good idea for a film. I guarantee, mate, that's something that people will go and watch. And when people leave the cinema going fucking hell if he can do it I bloody can and everyone that's what I want

do you know what I remember like when I started doing stand up yeah I was still a teacher and you know like when you first

obviously you're dying dying dying and then I first started getting to a point where I was actually doing well at gigs regularly and so I was doing a gig

and a guy that I that was working at the school I was working at came along to watch me. And I had a great gig. For then. For now, I would be looking back at that gig thinking, what a load of shit. But at the time, it was a great gig. And I walked off stage, and I was chatting to him,

and he goes, do you know what? Watching you has really made me think, I might have a go at stand-up comedy. I thought, brilliant. That is what I want from this. I've had that exact feeling. I've had, my dream is for people to watch me and go, if that fucking idiot can manage

to pull a decent gig out his ass, then I can definitely do it too. The Elliot Buchanan story is slightly different because it's fucking, yeah, it's like not a real story, it's a film, right? Yeah, I know it's a film it's like not a real story it's a film right yeah i know it's a film but you've just literally said everyone's going to walk again if he can do it because it's inspirational like the end of it is you basically like you're basically got really when i went to watch eight mile my takeaway from that wasn't i

could be right my takeaway from that is you have to be really talented to do this and i absolutely don't have that yeah but yeah but also know, the other thing about 8 Mile, which is interesting, which is the same about Easy Elliot, right? Yeah. I'm not attached to the project yet, by the way. Mate, you're the lead character. I know, but yeah, but you don't go pitching it now.

I've not agreed to be attached. Well, fucking think about it. But I've got nothing without you. The whole thing, I've come up, it's structured with you around being the lead. Sure, but I can't I've got nothing without you the whole thing I've come up is structured with you around being the lead sure but I'm not my part

if I'm honest with you this is just between me and you my part could be played by George Clooney Brad Pitt it absolutely could be it absolutely could be

your part is specific to you right but the point is it's not it's about like what Muhammad Ali said right

when you do say do it to the best of your ability right so whether it's boxing, do it to the best of your ability, right? So whether it's boxing, rapping, or even being a florist, do it to the best of your ability. And that in itself is the reward that you're looking for. And I think that's the thing when you're doing press for the film.

It's so strange because basically what you've done is delivered a cluster of bullshit, but then within that is actually a gem of something that that i subscribe to it's incredibly frustrating to listen to yeah but also the film could be fucking amazing but there's not gonna happen right i can even see like you know like how james bond like the opening of james bond's with him with the gun the opening of the easy elliot film is you moonwalking in and then you sort of turn around. Why would I be moonwalking? Do you know what? Everything about this,

everything about this pitch screams of like somebody who's listened to, maybe listened to You Can't Touch This once and has decided that this is a field that he wants to do a film in. Everything about this pitch document, Easy Elliot gets mistaken for Misty Elliot. He sounds like Snoop and Biggie are one of the other big ones. You also said and then I moonwalk into

the pre-titles there's a good film about a guy pitching a hip-hop film and there's fucking nothing about the music or the culture

at all no but I think that could be your spin-off movie you could do some of the heavy lifting

with that the hip-hop stuff think about it you can meet all your heroes I think that could be your spin-off movie. You could do some of the heavy lifting with that, the hip-hop stuff. Yeah, right. Think about it, you could meet all your heroes. Yeah, I somehow don't think it's going to be as easy to get them involved as you seem to think it is. Mate, I guarantee it could be one of the best things. Yeah.

Hey, hero of mine, I'd like to take a big dump on the culture that you've based your career on. Is that okay? You up for it you're up for being involved how are you tom i'm very worried about you i'm very high on uh codeine and uh it's gonna be very low it's gonna be very low energy podcast for a number of reasons one we're recording this at eight in the evening two tom's dosed up on painkillers. I've not slept now. Do you know,

I've literally slept for seven days probably. And I went to see, shout out Tony and Sally, the dentist, to find out my tooth is infected. Yeah. You know what they've done? They've put like clove in the wound now,

like a sort of clove thing. An actual clove? Yeah. Like a sort of clove, almost actual clove yeah like it's like a sort of clove almost like a jesus a clove are you okay yeah i thought i think where i'm tripping a bit i thought i was going to put my elbow i'm saying there's nothing i've got a question for you after i had the because we had identical surgery yeah and i wasn't unfortunate enough to have an infection as you were no um i uh didn't eat solid food for three days afterwards. Now, my question to you is…

You know the answer to this because you've spoken to someone today, haven't you? I haven't spoken to anyone. You've spoken to Flo or someone, haven't you? You are such a fucking… You know what? I'm going to say this. Touche. Touche.

Very well played. What? This is like, this is essentially you have, you know what my hand is. Flo's peeking over my shoulder. She knows what I've got. What? So what did you do? So bearing in mind, you're supposed to be incredibly careful about what you eat because it could get infected what did you do so i was on i was basically on shakes for three

days afterwards and like really did you do that yeah and like yogurts and like soft stuff do you mean and then i sort of gradually moved on to solid and hard food as was instructed we're not just instructed verbally but we were given a sheet weren't we? tell me how you how did you follow the instructions Tom what did you do? I went to Tom Gerridge's restaurant and had a steak I sort of

are you surprised it's infected? I mean you rubbed a dead cow on it you know i don't think it was that infected by the way no of course you wouldn't i think it was like you're like my friend that thought he got an sti from a hot tub i i rigorous i think it was a rigorous like amount of chewing that probably didn't help but actually it i i sort of went back to i i didn't follow i don't think i didn't help, but actually it, I sort of went back to, I didn't follow. I don't think I did an idea really enough to do the salt.

Did you do the salt bath? Yeah, I did, but I did it. I did it the evening off and then called Sally the next day or the next morning and then called Sally and she said, Oh, make sure you don't do the salt bath.

Um, yeah, I've done it that morning. So, um, I sort of think when it comes to stuff like reading sheets and things i sort of was like actually i probably you know what i wish i'd done it's just got a full-time carer actually i need to say one thing actually yeah katherine

has been amazing during all this yeah she's been really really like listen you didn't need to tell me that i based on what you've been going through, I know, Shula, that fucking woman would have gone through hell and back. Gone to hell and back, rather. It's not been easy to her. But, yeah, she's been pretty... She's been incredible.

She's actually... Yeah. You know, like, you know, when you sometimes just get a moment, you think, I'm very, very... For many reasons, but very, very blessed. She's been incredible. And now also she is now making me the food

I'm supposed to have rather than me insisting on having it. What are you having tonight? I've had some soup. But you know what I actually weirdly think that infected it is I had a mess of curry and then

halfway through the indian i thought oh no i shouldn't have been having rice because rice is and then this is rice is like rice is one of the ultimate ones you're not supposed to have yeah i know yeah do you know what um tony said uh i think it's fair to say tony's very funny right she's got a sort of dry wit i'd say tony um said uh oh wow you have um you have been busy with your eating. I can see pretty much what your diet's been for the last week within my wound. She had to open it up and suck a load of crap out of it today. That is so disgusting.

I know, it's so grim, right? Because all I've heard about is what a model patient you've been. Is that what they said? yeah they said that you were pretty amazing I wouldn't say that's pretty amazing I mean I turned up there and I left yeah but you followed all of their rules well I didn't go and eat a steak

hours after having this that's not within your culture anyway you're not a meat eater are you? my culture? You're a vegan. Yeah, sure. But I could have had a cauliflower steak. What a fucking misnomer that is, by the way. Cauliflower steak. Oh, actually, you know what?

I actually quite enjoy a cauliflower steak. Also, can I just say, by the way, how are the antibiotics and painkillers on your stomach? I mean, are you asking me if I've got the shits? Yeah, I mean, mine's been so, like... Well, I wasn't eating very much,

so I wasn't providing a lot of ammo for the cannon, if you know what I mean. Well, it's been up and down. It's like literally a lottery. When I leave the house... Well, one day it's up and then it's down. It's like I'm either constipated or it's either all or nothing. Right.

I mean, like, yeah, I'm essentially playing a game of fucking poker. Think of the game before you start the sentence, yeah? That's all you've got to do. You've got to remember I'm half spaced out. I'm on a week now of, like, no sleep, painkillers, and antibiotics. And I don't know which one's fucking with me the most. By the way, while we talk about it, you went to the Hand and Flowers, Tom Carragher's place, right?

Unbelievable, yeah? Oh my god. Amazing. And do you know what as well? His food's delicious. His staff are incredible. His staff... How did you get a booking there, by the way? I just booked it. I texted him actually because I know Tom a little bit.

There we go. There, there you go. There we go. There's the money shot. And also, I live around the corner from here. Do you know what? Do you? Yeah. I'd love to take you there.

Well, I've been. Come round to the house. You like Rob and Rob Meshverses, don't you? We went on the show. Yeah, I know, yeah. But that's different, isn't it? Have you been to his other restaurants? No. Well, go to one of them.

OK. You can come around here right yeah sit and chill get your nice ice cold drink talk about Easy Elliot um Lisa will crack some of her jokes

and whatever and we'll all make our way around there do you know I was I believed everything you were saying about this evening happening

until you said you can come around here and that's when I knew that's when I knew we had we had a Davis team meeting, me, Grace and Catherine, all sat round, and we were looking very much forward to Reagan-Athens coming. Lil Grace, I've been showing her pictures of you and stuff.

She's very excited about seeing you. To get her used to the idea of me. She's excited. Mate, she loves The Weakest Link. Right, great. She's a really big fan of it. Well, look, I've been worried about you, mate. You know what? You've checked in every day, and it's meant a lot. Yeah. It's times really big fan of it. Well, look, I've been worried about you, mate. You know what?

You've checked in every day, and it's meant a lot. Yeah. It's times like this I really lean on you, and I know that you're there, and that means a lot to me. See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster.

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Coupon clipping. Promo code searching searching it takes skill speed sweat unless we're talking kudos new phone internet and streaming bundle with the happy stack you can sit back and stack up the savings on kudo internet a sweet phone plan netflix disney plus and amazon prime all starting at just 99 a a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Coo-Doo! Conditions apply. Can I ask you how the remainder of your holiday was?

The remainder of the holiday was absolutely fantastic, actually. Any more swimming debacles? Oh, listen. Well, i've got something to report on that so um i did actually do a couple of videos but when i watched the videos back the emergence of me from the water a la daniel craig was so disgusting that i deleted the videos immediately but what i can tell you is, in the days following doing the podcast, I practiced my breaststroke in the hotel pool. And I got the kids and Lisa to help with my technique. And then the day the penultimate day of my holiday, I went out to the see that again that's another good film

but all of these things are so inspirational I'd actually like to do a book of inspirational stories together and that would probably be in chapter 4 or 5 I'd imagine I don't think you need me for that book I think you just need to transcribe all of the stuff you've been doing at the end of these podcasts. And you've got yourself a little,

I was about to say bestseller. I say, let's say, let's call it a seller. But, um, that's amazing. That's incredible.

You were proud of yourself. I did have one point where Charlie, uh, pointed to where I was going to have to be swimming. He said, it's not that far away. And it was just a bald bloke having a swim that he'd mistaken for a boy. That's one of our things you know as bald guys it's one of the things anyway the holiday was great unfortunately i was embroiled in the great air traffic yes so you put up an instagram jumping

straight on it i wasn't jumping straight on it i just literally posted a photo from the plane we got on the plane actually we were we from the plane. We got on the plane. Actually, we were the last people to get on the plane. Oh, my God. Swaggered onto an easy jet. We didn't swagger on. I don't know if you've noticed this. They're starting to cool the gates a lot.

Yeah, yeah. The gap between the flight and the cooling the gate is getting bigger and bigger. There's hyperinflation. And so I've started to ignore it. So you've misjudged it a bit. Yeah. So the kids wanted Burger King. It says...

This is... I genuinely... That should be the end of every holiday, that last Burger King together. I think it's a beautiful moment. I genuinely do. So the gate was open, but the kids wanted Burger King. But that's actually for Burger King as well, right?

And I know I've had my fallouts with them, and I've got my fucking, you know, I've gone nose to nose with them. It's a difficult relationship, I get it. The ingenuity and fucking genius of going, look, we haven't got it in us to go toast to McDonald's now. We haven't. We can't do that. But what we can do is make every time a family are going home

or a couple are going home or a guy's going home on his own or a lady's going home, every time someone's going home from holiday, if we just target that market, we've got it. We've got those memories. Like, sometimes I'll taste a Whopper. I'm going, I remember going home from Megaluf

and having one of these yeah I would I would go along with that if it wasn't for the fact that if I'd never seen a McDonald's at an airport before mate where

there's hardly any McDonald's at airports there's like four at Gatwick but that's Gatwick Gatwick's definitely it's there yeah yeah but not

I tell you what not foreign ones what do you mean not foreign ones not for McDonald you mean, not foreign ones? McDonald's, yes, they've got the fucking... But having a McDonald's before you leave on a holiday, that doesn't really... I can never remember any food on the day that I go on holiday

because I'm about to have better food the whole time I'm there. When you're coming back, that's the genius of it. Okay. It's those small ones as well. So they've managed to put themselves in locations that you're going to be when you're coming back from holiday okay everyone is because i wasn't with you on holiday was i no you weren't you weren't so um anyway we finished our booking then we looked at the screen and it said gate closing uh or final call or something all right so we went over to the gate and then there was passport control

before you get to the actual gate, which was unfortunate. So there was another queue. At which point, I've got to be honest, the kids started to blame me almost exclusively for the predicament that we found ourselves in. Even though I hadn't had any Burger King.

Lisa didn't have Burger King? No. No, just the kids. Although they didn't do, it's is weird they didn't do chicken nuggets but they did do plant-based nuggets so I got plant-based nuggets which is a horrible name for all the kids and Alex was appalled by plant-based nuggets he wouldn't have it so I ended up eating his so we're in the queue for passport control i was eating the nuggets on the move because i just thought that's a cool thing

to do get a wiggler gives you a bit of an edge yeah got onto the plane sat down and uh then they said and i assume the initial announcement happened before we got on the plane because the guy goes well because of this uk problem i don't know when we're going to go and then i googled it and discovered there was an air traffic control problem as reported to most people it seems by gabby logan's twitter yeah but then you're like coming off the back of gabby you're sort of like coming off the back of gabby logan i just posted a photo yeah what i would say is the descent in the plane. Were you kept on the plane by the way? Were you allowed back in the airport? Four hours were on the plane for four and a half hours.

And then they said they weren't getting any information either. So then they said, um, right. We're going to see. They kept the way the captain kept delivering the information was like the way he ordered the words was unfortunate i would say and i don't want to be too harsh because the geezer wasn't english right but he kept saying guys in 10 or 15 10 between 10 and 15 minutes if somebody says in 10 to 15

minutes i immediately think we're leaving he said in 10 to 15 minutes we should uh immediately think we're leaving he said in 10 to 15 minutes we should uh be getting an update on what's going on just like okay this is fucking insane and then they said right we're going to get off the plane so we all get up and then he comes on again and he goes um immigration have said it's too much hassle for you to get off the plane so we're going to stay on the plane then we sit down then another announcement two minutes later oh've had another update, you're getting off the plane. And I looked out the window. I didn't look out the window. Alex looked out the window, and he said they're unloading the luggage,

which I took to be a bad sign. We get to the airport, everybody's booking hotels. And I'm like, oh, no. Okay, this is a question to you. If you're at an airport, what happens in those situations? If the flight's delayed, do they find your hotel or you've got to find one yourself? What happens? Don't you remember this happened to me coming back from spain like at christmas last year so what did you do well we got put in hotels and then i had that awful situation

where i couldn't like basically i was i let i thought it was doing the thing to be done was you let families couples women on their own all go first, and men travelling on their own. I essentially thought that was how it was done. You know, adults were the last. But anyway, it was a free-for-all. I was the last person to the hotel that the airport, the flight company arranged, and I was the only person who didn't get,

I didn't get a proper room, and I ended up with that fucking nutter who just sat with me, chatting to me the whole night. Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah. Fucking whole night's right yeah i had a massage by the way while i was on holiday oh really and so whether did you get off the plane and then did you get a hotel or did you not oh sorry so we went into the airport and they said it was looking touch and go and there's loads of people booking hotels a guy that was on, I thought he was on the same flight but he was on a different flight,

sat down and he goes, there's no way we're going anywhere tonight so can I cancel all my work appointments for tomorrow? And I was like, fuck. And then, Gareth Malone was on the same plane as me.

What, is he the guy with the choir? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Nice guy. Actually, you know what, did he sing or anything? No, he didn't sing. He could have told some jokes, he could have sung, with the choir yeah oh wow yeah nice guy um actually you know what it would be quite did he sing or anything or no he didn't sing but he could have told some jokes he could have sung it

could have been like sort of like well after i posted that photo a few people replied to the post saying i'm on the plane can you do some joke which i didn't do i did think there were other comedians that would have sort of grabbed the mic and gone, okay, guys, we find ourselves in... JT, can you beep out that name, please? There'd be some comedians that would go up and go, right, guys, well look,

we find ourselves in a bit of a situation here, you know, if I can do a little bit to kind of ease the journey, I'll do my best. It's a tough crowd

though, isn't it? What is the deal with airplane food? Or whatever. And then you've got the captain basically interjecting just sort of like

with false information or information that's really you know gareth malone that could have been amazing if that again would have been incredible if he'd basically got a whole choir of people to sing yeah on the plane like yeah yeah it would have been made for a nice tiktok uh a really nice thing happened a couple came up to me whose names i don't remember so apologies for that who told me that they uh were doing ivf and on the second round of ivf she got told to go home and watch something like that she found

funny to release endorphins and she watched my special and she and then they were successful so she said the way they opened the story was um i mean there's a bit of an embarrassing bit to this but anyway the way she opened the story is we're pregnant because of you and then they tell me this story but the thing that was embarrassing is I was trying to be funny so the guy goes to me oh we've got a bit of a funny story for you

and then I just went I'll be the judge of that oh no who have you become and then they tell me this really sweet story and then I was like, oh, fucking hell. I'm the referee of funny stories. I hope I do get a hotel. At least when the kids will be in the room,

I'll just be in the bathroom looking in the mirror, just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Anyway, about an hour after that, oh, mate, it was kicking off, though. They gave us vouchers for food right and like people fucking having a go at the staff in there because it does become quite hard it got a bit it got a bit funky i i would say what i realized from that situation also what i would say was unfortunate is having just watched hijack oh my god have you watched all the hijack by the way yeah yeah we haven't talked about this have we no well we have talked about i think well we have talked about i can't remember if we talked about it on the podcast or not but

neil maskell unbelievable in that show incredible he's obviously obviously it just is great but neil maskell is he makes a show right? He is phenomenal. I enjoyed it a lot. Yeah but even though I wasn't in a hijack situation, the way that people started getting restless, it had that same vibe, do you know what I mean? Yeah. It had that kind of same energy. When I was in that situation

it's quite quick to sort of see who, when people start blaming because what I noticed is people would have a go at steward and stewardesses. And then when the captain would come out. They got in the neck a little bit. But then the captain would come out and they'd all be quite nice to the captain.

It was almost like the punching down and people, it was quite an interesting way of sort of seeing how people would react in a really sort of, yeah, When we got back on the plane, they said, we're going to try and get away as quickly as possible now, so if everyone can sit down and get your seatbelts on. So everyone did that.

And as we were going up to taxi onto the runway, a woman got up with her kid and walks down the middle of the thing to the toilet. And as she was doing that, the host who was going on the tannoy, we're ready to take off, we're ready to take off, please be seated off please be seated please be seated and this woman was like carrying the baby like it was a live grenade to the toilet and then she and one of the staff came over there i think there's a bit of a not a kickoff but like

it was a bit it got a bit heated then she came and sat down and then we're on the runway for another 40 minutes after that. And I thought to myself, if it becomes apparent that we missed the window because that woman took a kid to the toilet, I don't know what's going to happen on this plane. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

I've got to say our kids were so well, but I mean, it helped that they got screens. They got iPads and phones or whatever. Did you, did you, can you charge them? No, that was the thing. That got iPads and phones or whatever. Could you charge them? No, that was the thing I was slightly concerned about

because I thought once this runs out, I'm going to have to actually parent these kids. I mean, I played... I was trying to get them to ration their battery power. What, playing on a spy and stuff? I played about, I would say, rough estimate, 100 games of Thumb War. Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, it was brutal there, man. And then when we got to Gatwick, I mean, the fucking elation I felt when we got back on the plane and took off, it was like going on another holiday. How long was the flight? Four hours?

Three, yeah, just over three hours, actually. But they made up the time. It was much quicker than three hours. Yeah, which, that's the thing that really frustrates me because i actually everyone's adding time onto flights i reckon you can actually probably get to america in about four hours i think you're probably correct tom i think they're just doing it for shits and giggles i think you're absolutely right i i've been on so many flights now but i actually gonna make up the time you think how the you're making up an hour yeah yeah yeah and listen you'd know better than anyone else involved so yeah it makes

sense so about this massage what happened well lisa and i got a massage each couple's massage no back to back not as in not physically back to back as in she had hers first and then i went straight and after and um the woman came close i would say to straddling me like right like my vibes no it wasn't like she didn't ride me like a horse but i was sort of first of all there's a lot of stuff that i find awkward about a massage the one use pants that I had to wear did you have to do this? no no how many massages have you been to? I never put those on

well what do you do? mate I love you to death mate but you've fucking fallen for the first fucking rig there sorry I'm talking to a guy that got sexually assaulted during a massage you never put those pants did you have pants or knickers on anyway right? Sorry, I'm talking to a guy that got sexually assaulted during a massage, yeah? No, you never put those pants on. And you're giving me advice.

Right, did you have pants or knickers on anyway, right? I had pants and knickers on. You know how I roll. No, right. No, I had a pair of pants on, yeah. Yeah. Those pants are more than adequate. They're not fucking special pants that you put on, like superhero pants.

The pants that they give you. Hold on, but there must be a reason they give you pants, though. In case you're not wearing pants. What? Dude, they can't case you're not wearing pants. What? But, dude, they can't... That must happen so rarely. He's turning up without pants for a massage. Mate, where were you when the massage happened?

And I didn't mean to look away like, well, I'm trying to be a genius, but where were you when the... What do you mean, where was I when the massage happened? Where were you? Why are you looking away? Why do you keep looking away? Because I don't want to give anything away. Okay, what do you mean, where was Because I don't want to give anything away. Okay.

What do you mean, where was I? No, so whereabouts? Where were you? Were you at the hotel? There was a spa at the hotel. Right, and what was in the spa? They had like a sauna, steam room, all that shit. And when you're going in the sauna and the steam room and the swimming pool,

what are you wearing? Well, I didn't use any of that stuff when I went for the massage. I just wandered over for the massage. Yeah, but what I'm saying is usually people are in their swimming trunks right so when people go in with their swimming trunks on some people don't want to wear their swimming trunks in the massage situation

unless you're a weirdo you don't wear pants underneath she didn't say to me ok but if that's the situation wouldn't she say if you don't have pants of your own on we've got these pants she didn't say that she said I don't put on these pants

yeah but I genuinely think that they do it so they can it's like they get some amusement what what that's why they do

so sorry what's amusing about saying to somebody can you put these pants on and then leaving the room waiting for you to put them on and then coming back what's

because how many times what I want to know is how many times is that hilarious probably like not many people do it i'll probably say like 12 of people who like go for massages put those pants on i don't think anyone else does what's wrong with putting those pants on please put those pants on are you joking i'm hoping that she changed in between massages i mean it, it was pretty much immediate. No disrespect to Lisa. Did they come in a little plastic bag?

No, they were loose. They were Lisa's old ones. Oh, no. Do you know, they had like a little, you know, like a little tape around them. Yeah, I can't imagine Lisa putting the tape around them afterwards. No. Like, I'd say genuinely, man, never do that.

Like, always just wear your own pants or knickers. I'd love to get, not that I don't trust you, I'd love to get some other input into this. Have you ever been naked during a massage? Yeah, well, I was changing into the pants. I was naked. No, no, no. During a massage?

No. Good. No. No, I haven't either, but I'm just saying. She pulled my pants. So it was a head, shoulder, back. Yeah. It was like a back, top to bottom, but only the backside.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Hamstrings, glutes. No, not glutes. Hamstrings, calves. Yeah. There was a bit of glute. Anyway, so she said to me, lie on your front or whatever.

Cover yourself with this towel, and then I'll come back in. So I put the single-use pants on. I lay face down on the bed. I covered myself with the towel as best I could. And then I lay there and wait. She knocked on the door, comes back in, puts the music on,

and then starts massaging me. She tucked, when she was doing my back, she sort of pulled the pants down quite low on my arse or so, and then tucked the towel into them, right? Yeah. And then the back massage, she had these long strokes that went from, like, the top of my shoulders, and I was surprised by how low that stroke went to. you know I mean yeah it was right the way is like

it was halfway down my actual ass I would say yeah I find that I find yeah that is normal but I find that the worst the most awkward thing yeah yeah I found that awkward the other thing that she did was she because you got a hairy have you got a hairy arse? We've talked about this a few times, haven't we? It's not very hairy, no, but there's hair there, yeah. Yeah. I always think, like, you know when you're mowing the lawn

and you've got, like, a long straight lawn and you've got sort of a raised bit? That's what my arse is like. I can never be bothered to sort of push the mower too far uphill. That's a little bit like what my back of my ass is like. Hold on. What the fuck are you talking about? My ass is hairier than my back.

Yeah, but what's a mower got to do with it? Like, you know, you mow your lawn, right? Yeah. So your lawn's pretty flat from what I can remember. Yeah. Mine's got like bits up, bits down. So I always do like a flat top, and then I don't usually mow the hilly bits as much. You usually leave them. yeah mine's got like bits up bits down so i always do like a flat top

and then i don't usually mow the hilly bits as much well essentially what i'm trying to say to you is my ass is hairier than my back so when that happens i find it very like well there's the way that you say that in future okay well i probably won't have this conversation with anyone else no no because that's how close you are yeah so i find that bit really really like yeah awkward the other thing the other thing that i found weird was she did like she was it was very high pressure by the way like it was deep did you did you wince a couple of times i did i've got to be honest they like that though they like that she massaged my forearm so hard that it actually made my fingers bend like a poseable toy has that happened to you no yeah like she went down my forearm and then my fingers without me doing it

just curled up and then she clicked your fingers yeah oh i fucking love that feeling um but then when she went to do she sort of went to the bottom end of the bed. Right. And she was sort of doing these like, sort of like, chlory kind of like, it was nice. She was like really squeezing. What were your calves?

On my, it started on my calves and it worked all the way up my body to my shoulders. But she stayed in the same position. So as she moved up my body, she had to clamber onto the, onto the actual bed. So I felt a kind of knee between my legs and then. Jeez.

Like she was on all fours at one point on above me. This is as bad as what happened to me. It was like, no, because no, because she wasn't riding me. Do you mean she was like positioned above me? there wasn't very little contact apart from her hand was she chatting by the way no not in the slightest but what i then discovered was that um she was quite

chatting with lisa which then made me spiral into a fear that i was sort of came across as some sort of pervert when she won't talk to me it was like when she was chatting to lisa they're having all sorts of chat she showed her that she gave her talk to me. It was like, when she was chatting to Lisa there, I had all sorts of chats. She showed her that, she gave her a tour of the facility. Really? Yeah. And then I, my massage was shorter than Lisa's even though we paid for the same thing. And not only was, not only was

I finished sooner than Lisa, I'd also spent a few minutes eating some dried apricots and drinking a glass of water afterwards as a bit of a chill out post-massage. So, I just don't think she liked me very much I've been in that massage situation where you feel like you're more of a hindrance than anything else

yeah I felt like I don't know what I'd done but there was something about me do you know what and I'd love to take you actually because I think it's something we could bond over you know I've been going to a place in London called Stretch Lab it's fucking unreal it's a game changer I'd love to take you to a place in London called Stretch Lab. It's fucking unreal. It's a game changer. I'd love to take you.

When are you in London next? Tomorrow. The Stretch Lab is incredible, man. It will blow your mind. Yeah, what is it? They stretch you out. It's like genuinely like... Like a rack?

No, no, no. They push your body into places that you wouldn't be able to. What made you go there in the first place? Just because I felt tight all the time. And since I've been going, I feel far more flexible. Really? Yeah. I want to get more flexible.

So can you, like, when you pick something up off the ground, do you crouch now rather than bend over? I can do both. It's like I'm ambidextrous when it comes to bending now. No. Getting stuff off the floor. What? Ambidextrous means you can use both it's like i'm ambidextrous when it comes to bending now no get yourself for the floor what ambidextrous means you can use both hands no it means you can use two or something right hmm it doesn't mean you can do things in different ways no that's that's not ambidextrous let's i'm

going to look at the definition up because as always i'm not dating myself ambidextrous meaning able to use the right and left hands equally well or it's the same as being able to bend or crouch this is what it says well yeah but it's the same thing it's not a word that says right and left hands yeah but it's not a word for being able to bend and crouch okay is there a word for bend and crouch flexible there we. There we go. Well, yeah, I mean, this is what we're talking about anyway. But yeah, I'll treat you.

We get so aggy for. Oh, no, I'm going to treat you to it. We'll go together. Okay, great. Because then we do it in the same room. I'm not going to tell you

how much it costs, but it's my trade. Do you know what? Can I take, well, can I take you somewhere then? Can I take you to Face Gym? Oh, I'd love that, yeah.

Oh, my God, it's unbelievable. Really? They, like like give you like a little face massage they use some weird implements and it like oh mate takes all you're looking so young no i mean well first of all i wouldn't say i'm looking in fact i would say one of the things that i spiraled about on holidays how old i'm looking these days no you don't look old you look good but you know it's sad isn't it the people that you love you don't believe

anything they say lisa was saying to me you look great you look great and's sad, isn't it? The people that you love, you don't believe anything they say. Lisa was saying to me, you look great, you look great. And it doesn't matter how many times she says that. I'm never going to believe it. Well, I think you look amazing as well. Well, thanks, Tom. I see people absolutely adore you saying it. Why not kick back with a cold, smooth bush? Smooth taste. Great value. Bush Lager.

Enjoy responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Oh no, I can't be out of ink, not now. Mega tank.

Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Mega tank. Yes, it's a Canon. Mega phone? Mega tank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink.

Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega tank. Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Mega Tank printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink, prints me over 7,700 color pages. Megatank. Megawatt? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Megatank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time.

Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details. Should we have a look at some emails? Let's do it, my baby. Once again, thanks to the... What do we think of it? This has been a very low-energy episode, hasn't it? I think it's been all right. I think it's been cool.

I mean, I don't know if JT would be the judge of it, but yeah. Thanks once again to The Swan for choosing the emails. I would say that she did point out to me that I didn't thank her last week. I feel like the only reason she said that is to remind me that she doesn't listen to it even though i got in the car yet the other day and she had the parenting hell podcast on again oh wow again it's like she's fucking with you with this kind of stuff yeah uh this is from

the flamboyant cuttlefish and the manatee dear wolf allen swan today i conquered my motorway driving anxiety and ventured all of eight miles down the m23 from caterham to the owl's hometown of crawley the reason for the visit a roam around b&m with my partner our virgin b&m experience the one that left us needing your advice after collecting several random items for purchase we stumbled across a rather nice light shade and headed towards the tills where he met a store assistant he fancied himself as a bit of a joker that's just crawley through and through his first move is to say oh you've brought me a hat. We squeezed the faux chuckle out and carried on loading.

Do you work at B&M in Crawley? Does that have interest? I like the sound of this guy. I knew you would. His first move was to say, oh, you've brought me a hat. We squeezed the faux chuckle out and carried on loading the conveyor belt.

But he wasn't done there. His next move was to take the light shade, place it on his greasy head, ruffle it around a little, and then call over to his co-worker sharon sharon look at me our instant internal reaction was that we no longer wanted to buy the light shade but in typical british fashion we kept quiet and swiftly handed over our money we're not usually ones to judge but it's worth pointing out that the guy didn't like it was a regular washer oh god And we found the whole experience quite disgusting.

Two questions that we'd love to hear from you. One, what should we have done? Two, what would you have done? I feel like those questions are going to have similar answers. Cheers in advance, you sweet, sweet souls. Never stop doing what you do. The flamboyant cuttlefish and the manatee. Tommy.

Look. First of all, how fancy do you think this is? in mind i imagine this is a trick that you would absolutely have up your sleeve anytime anyone brought over a light shade if you're working at bnm if i was working at look i number one i think you've got to admire this person this guy who's working at the counter because he's keeping spirits up it's exactly what we're talking about the easy elliot film right yeah it's someone who no i'm just saying's like, that's a tough job, man. Have you been to a B&M? Yes, I have, yeah.

B&M, the way the staff gets spoken to and treated sometimes can be abysmal. Especially in the Crawley branch, I imagine it's horrendous. Right. What you've got here is you've got a guy who doesn't, he's remiss of that. He comes in every time and he tries to put a smile on your face. Look, do I think it's a bit grotty and gross him putting the light shade on his head if he's not washing his hair? Yeah, of course it is.

But actually, the truth of what his very spirit and his kin is, is that he's trying to be as fun as he can. He wants to make that shopping trip memorable. He's no different from Burger King at the airport. What he's doing is next time when you go home from there, what he's got is a story.

Do you know how many times people go to the shops and you go, oh, I went to the shops the other day and brought some stuff. Oh, right, anything interesting

happen at the cashier's? Not really, just paid. What they've got is a story for the ages there. And everyone's probably got a story about this wacky character.

And he probably goes home, if I'm honest with you, and no one ever thanks him or puts an arm on his shoulder. It reminds me a bit of, you know. Why would they thank him? He's ruining stuff as people are buying it. It reminds me a little bit, you know, like at the end of The Office where David Brent is saying about, oh, you know, hopefully one day I'll see David Brent and then go,

oh, I must remember to thank him. This guy gets no thanks. He gets no laughter. He leaves probably every day. He goes home and he has, you know, some discounted items that he's got just so being in the same business. Sort of sits with his family and they're like, oh, good day today, John. And he's like, no, you know what?

I tried my hardest. I try to put a smile on people's faces. And, you know, he doesn't get the pat on the back. Is this your real take on this? Yeah, genuinely. Okay. I think, look, you know what,

at my local supermarket there's a woman who works there who's so chatty. So chatty. And I actually, I notice people sigh when they've got a great they've got to take the bread

rolls and then put them on a chest and go look at me back no no she doesn't do any physical stuff she's a gag smith all right she's not like a prop comic like this guy all right yeah but what she is is like she's quite a lot of like she's got a lot of personality i'm like what what do people want from life if if like not, we're very fortunate. We do this for a job, right? A lot of people have, have sides of them where they,

they want to entertain and want to have a bit of laugh and they want to sort of spread a bit of goodwill. And look, this isn't misjudged. Look, I don't agree with using people's things that they're buying for your own. I don't like prop comedy anyway. Never has found a carrot top. I think it's okay.

I think this guy's probably better than that. But I think it probably came from a good place. Okay. What do you think? Well, I disagree with a lot of what you said. I think that it's fair enough

that we should give people a break. B&M is a difficult job. Most retail jobs are difficult. So I do think my inclination is always to give people a bit of slack when it comes to these situations what i would say is is there's a couple of red flags here for me uh one is that you're tampering with somebody's goods that they're buying uh two is that he had a clue that this joke wasn't worth continuing with when he said, oh, I see you've brought me a hat. And they sort of did a little sort of shitty chuckle.

The signal for that should be, okay, that's the end of that bit. As you and I know, when you're on stage, if you're trying out a new idea and you say something and it gets nothing, that is a signal. It didn't get nothing wrong she got a small chuckle a fake chuckle tom yeah but what what if that is a performer you should be able to analyze that yeah yeah that's fine but he's not a performer is he okay fine so he's the poor okay bless him bless him he's probably like fucking a wow something back i've done this bloody

trick 10 times today no one's given me anything all right but tom this is the major crime right okay he's not even doing it for them okay he's doing it for the amusement of his colleague sharon all right because he doesn't play the joke out to them he looks across to sharon who's probably got some sort of crush on i imagine and go sharon sharon look at me and you know the person who i feel the most sorry for is sharon right because all she's doing she also works at b&m she's trying to get on with her day and what she has to deal with is some guy that she works with every single shift that constantly is looking across to doing shitty jokes like this trying to get her approval okay what he's done is he's ruined a lampshade and he's also ruined sharon's another example of why sharon's shifts uh eight hour shifts feel

like 16 hours is because of this guy and you know what tom let's extrapolate this that can't be the first time he's done that i imagine he's doing it with everything in B&M he's got some sort of physical joke they've come up with a spatula oh look at my tie oh no maybe it's a flute you know what I'm going to be really honest here because that is the nature of this podcast

there is a lot of me that sits here and everything you say is right but I can't look past the point that that is me I can't I can't sit here I can't sit here and as you

are saying all of these things these are very warf-like Tom Davis traits apart from the not washing I'd say that's the only thing I can throw in the mix is I'm clean that that's the only thing I could throw in the mix is I'm clean. You know what I mean? But aside that,

the thinking that, you know, like thinking, oh, this is potentially a way of someone finding me attractive. Yeah. By being silly. No, listen, listen. And you'll see how unsurprised I am at that revelation, which you sort of built up to

as if it was going to be some sort of shocking announcement. But do you know who you are you're Sharon essentially our whole relationship is I mean I'm imagining we are we don't know the name of this guy

we are Lightshade and Sharon but you know what it's like we could easily find them we could go to B&M and Craw but you know what it's like we could easily find them we could go to B&M and Crawley you know what would

be amazing is if you filmed yourself going there tomorrow and see if you buy something it would not just be amazing it would be absolutely

unbelievable because there's no fucking way in a million years I'm going to do that there's a part of me that on the side of

having a joke there's a part of me that on the side of having a joke, there's also probably a very real side that he's, I look at my life and I've been like that and I'm doing things like that. It's often because I'm not feeling necessarily happy or I'm trying. I do. I do recognize that. And I've got to be honest with you. It's one of these rare stories where I feel sorry for everybody involved

I feel sorry for him because he's trying to put on a show despite the social cues indicating that he should just stop I feel sorry for the couple who are watching a lampshade essentially be greased and had to take home a light shade that looked like a kebab wrapper and I also feel sorry for Sharon

for having to... The only person I have no sympathy for is B&M. Because they've actually just... They're on our podcast and they've got free publicity now. And they've sold a lampshade and I'm guessing some other stuff. And also, I like B&M. I think it's a brilliant store. Yeah. Having said all of that, what we haven't done is actually answer their questions.

What would you have done in that situation? Probably laughed. I'd have probably done... What would you have done about the actual light shade? I can't... I'd have taken it as well. Do you know what? Catherine would have

said something. If I was with Catherine, Catherine would have done something. It sounds like they're really disgusted by it. If they're that disgusted, they should have said something it sounds like it sounds like they're really disgusted by it so yeah but i think if they're that i i if they're that disgusted they should have said something but then yeah but tom they shouldn't have said something based on your own advice this guy's just trying to do something funny yeah yeah yeah but what i'm saying is they're obviously really upset and disgusted and now they've got a lampshade that's they can't use and i imagine as well they're decent people so they don't want to go back and make the complaint and say oh look this

well that's what that's why i i think they go back and they go when he's not working and they make up a different excuse for returning the lampshade you asked yeah to be fair that's that's probably the best advice i've heard on this podcast that probably the best advice I've heard on this podcast. That's the best advice you've heard on this whole podcast? Yeah, because... That, what I just said, is the best advice you've ever heard on this podcast. No, I think that's a really clever bit of advice. Okay, just say that, then.

Everything doesn't have to be the best that you've ever heard. Okay? I'm being light shade now i mean i'm being a lampshade yeah yeah you really are okay should we do one more let's do one more oh thank you by the way to the the flamboyant cutfish and the manatee uh this is from oh oh, wow, this is quite a mad one, this one. This is from The Secret Meat Eater. Wow. Hi, guys. Massive fan of the pod.

It was quite late to the game, but I've binged all the episodes over the last few months to catch up. Thank you for your laughs and lexicology lessons. This is more of a confession than a question, as I can't tell anyone I know without serious ramifications in my life. Ten years ago, I went on a first date with a beautiful girl, eager to impress her her pretty much letting my penis do all the thinking

for me. When she told me she was a vegan during dinner, I almost instinctively told her I was as well. I didn't think it would be much of an issue, but unfortunately for me,

we both fell in love with each other and got married a few years later. Jesus, wow. Here's where it gets complicated. I'm still a big meat eater. As far as my friends, family and work colleagues are concerned i'm a

vegan but whenever i'm alone i still enjoy eating meat on a regular basis i'm not even sure why i keep eating meat nine out of ten meals i eat during the week are vegan and are delicious and with all the vegan meat alternatives i don't necessarily think i'm missing out on meat but there is something that always pulls me back to me whenever i get the chance luckily for me my wife works away for long periods of time so i can gorge myself on me when she's not in but i know one day this will catch up on me maybe it's through being caught that keeps me going i have twins who are two and i go for a walk with them i eat a chocolate bar of a bacon bat soon they'll be coherent enough to snitch on me so my days are numbered if my wife were to catch me eating meat or dairy she'd be devastated oh my god

wow and she's a massive massive animal rights activist and i'm going behind her back i know what i'm doing is wrong and i'm making steps to correct it by slowly weaning myself off meat and dairy i don't want to be found out as a fraud my question to you too is have you ever lied to a girlfriend or friend only for you to bite it on the ass in in the future. My God. I mean, forget the question. That is fucking mad, right? That's insane. That's not at all what I thought that was going to happen, by the way. Well, what did you think was going to happen?

Well, I just thought it was like, oh, it's a funny first date story and he ate a vegan meal. That's mad that he's now got children. Can I just say, if somebody has a story at that level of calibre, can you not bother emailing it? oh god anyway go on

so you thought it was going to be a story about a guy in a picture I in a past relationship I went for a time when I was pretending to lose weight and saying that I was sort of like not I've given up junk food and I've given up eating like shit and at the time like I had like uh we had a bank account together me and this woman so i basically got a credit card out and had my own credit card that i'd used to go and get mcdonald's and burger king what so she wouldn't know that you're getting that sort of yeah so she wouldn't

know that i was so and i got so like i even to the point where statements for that card must have looked absolutely insane yeah they were because that's all I used it for so I'd go out and I just and even when I didn't want that sort of shit in my life I'd still I can see where this this person's coming from it was a thing of going out and going I'd almost can walk walk past like a KFC or the card would be almost stroking my leg and I'd go I need to just go and get some hot wings and I was actually putting on weight rather than losing because

it became such a fucking thing of like going in and like the thrill of going in and getting some shit to eat but I would say it was horrible when I got in a situation where I had to basically sort of confess that I got into debt through this secret fucking... How much were you having?

Mate, I was at least once a day, twice a day sometimes having this kind of shit. Like on the way to work, I'd have a McDonald's breakfast and on the way home, I'd have a fucking Burger King. It got to the point where it was almost like... So you didn't know about cash points at that time, no? No, no, no, no, no, but we had a joint account, so they'd be like... Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. So I wouldn't...

I've not listened to the story. And also, I was in a situation where we didn't have a lot of money. Right. So things like... I'm the real prick in that inquiry, don't you? That's my... Yeah, don't worry,

don't worry. I was waiting for you to fucking put in your size 12s. Yeah, so we didn't have much money. So if I was spending

like fucking five pounds a day on shit, it would go, you know, 25 pound a week, you know, because weekends it was really hard

to get out and get some fucking because we'd spend those together. Yeah. So it's essentially like, yeah, had a week, you know, because weekends, it was really hard to get out and get some fucking, because we'd spend those together. Yeah. So it's essentially like, yeah. Do you remember those egg cards that you used to get? Yeah,

I do. Yeah. It's one of those. And I ended up getting quite a lot of debt through it. It's a very sad story. And then having to come clean. And so my, my point being to this person is,

and I'd say that actually what you've done is, it's incredible that you're eating nine out of ten of your meals vegan anyway, and shout out vegan food, and it's incredible. Grace and Catherine both don't eat meat really, so I'm more leaning that way, but I still go out and have meat when I can, like a steak when I'm not supposed to, whatever. But my point being is for your wife, and I imagine that your children are vegans,

is actually it's going to be pretty crushing when she does find that out. And it is something that you've said and said and said. I think it's probably, if you can, curbing it sooner rather than later. I think there's a world where you're almost trying to get caught. It's a dangerous route, that. Yeah, you need to become

vegan, mate. I don't see another way out of this, do you? What do you do? You save lives for all this time. Fucking hell, man. That's not cool. Yeah, that's a hard one but um in answer your question about how i've done this um this isn't the same thing but i i was going out with a girl at uni and uh i discovered i put on weight while we're going out together quite a bit of weight so like three to four stone just from like drinking and eating at uni and stuff like that and unbeknownst to me she found it absolutely disgusting that i

put on weight and and so little things were happening that i thought were just coincidences but it turns out had been engineered by her so basically like she was telling friends of mine to take me to the gym and to like get me into exercise and to get me to eat healthier and stuff like so i thought that it was just like an organic thing that was happening that friends being concerned but it turns out that like she'd sort of kind of given them a nudge and in fact i started going to the gym with one of her mates turns out her mate said i can get romesh fit i can get him to lose the weight and that's why this is this is a horrible story i know i know i know that gaslighting yeah and then and so i didn't know any of this at the time but i found out later on that she'd sort of found it horrible that i've been putting on weight

and then one of the other things i did this makes the story even more horrible i used to go for a job with one we all live together at this student accommodation and me and one of the guys used to go for a run as it turns out she ended up cheating on me with this guy God almighty that's an aside this is one of the most tragic

stories I've ever heard in my life but we used to go for a run I genuinely feel like crying this is horrible it's really sad anyway we used to go for a run I actually genuinely felt like crying I don't think it's a drug this is horrible it's really sad anyway we used to go for a run and on the way back

from the run we would stop at a shop and buy an entire box a massive box of you know the Gillian Belgian chocolate shells yeah

and we'd eat those between the shop and getting back to the house can I say as a cheat they're're awful, those things. What do you mean? I hate those things.

As a treat. You hate them. Yeah, I mean, listen, I mean, I can't have them now. For moral reasons. We've got a fucking mad sky. Also, what a piece of shit this guy you're going jogging with. Because all the time he's probably taking you jogging and saying, I want my shit.

I bet if any money, I bet he was going back to her and going, oh, fucking... He had more of those fucking chocolates on the way there. Oh, God. I didn't think about that until you just said it. He says that. I never knew it happened. He admitted to me years later. Well, do you still speak to him?

Occasionally I do, yeah. But what happened was is that we were out for dinner years later and he said to me, there's something I've got to tell you and then he told me he didn't tell me about the chocolate

channel so he told me about that anyway this is a lot darker than I hoped it would be I've got to follow this with

a fucking sum up and I feel like fucking absolutely feel like literally waking Grace up getting a cart of crawlies to give

you a hug oh thanks man well yeah well don't do that it's really sad into the I need to go and speak to Lisa anyway Oh, thanks, mate. Yeah, well, don't do that. It's really sad into the...

I need to go and speak to Lisa. Anyway. Lisa's upstairs. You're just going to wonder why I've come upstairs all sad, going, you loved me, didn't you? And what would happen if I put on weight? You'd still love me, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

Did Kevin tell you about the chocolate shells? Yeah. Can I just ask a question i know i'm vegan but can we just buy a massive box of chocolate shells and eat them together is that right i just need to get past that that's so crazy um yeah anyway anyway well um well um okay um life is confusing it can be a barrage Well, okay. Life is confusing. It can be a barrage of facts, sometimes fiction. It can be subject matters that you know about and things that you don't. Sometimes you can feel like you're caught up in a tornado of moments and mysteries and everything seems quite confusing.

But sometimes in life, the sky is clear and the things that you see are there and almost more apparent than ever before. There doesn't seem anything in the way of the things that you need most or you require to touch and to feel. They're the moments that we should all look for. And in that, they're the people we should look for. Sometimes it's easy just to think, actually, it's quite exciting to stand waiting for the rain or for the thunder or for a tidal wave,

a tsunami of problems to come along. And the people that become the chilled and sort of more relaxed harbours in which we must keep our ships sometimes may seem not as exciting but the truth of the matter is every bit is exciting every bit is needed rough seas cause stories calm seas cause crossings don't look crossings as anything but a safer way to get to where you need to be that is absolutely

wonderful Tom thank you Ron I genuinely had no idea what I was going to say because I still genuinely you're really upset about it aren't you yeah because I think it was a dog shit thing to do well don't feel sad mate I'm alright

well you know what I there's a part of me that feels sad but there's also a part of me that looks at you with even more admiration than I ever have

knowing that the man I look at here was created by tougher moments and he became thank you mate a strong soul thanks mate that really

that's really nice you've done sort of a double up there Now listen When I was on holiday I was listening to a lot of Afro beats And I want to choose a song By somebody that Tom and I both love very dearly

And that is Burner Boy And we're going to play I think this is his latest single Taken off the album I Told Them Which has come out very recently This is Big Seven by Burner Boy J JT, could you drop it, please? Guys, we will see you next time. Take care of yourselves and each other.

This is me, The Owl and Amita Wolf saying we love you. God bless. I really really spent a million just to reach it me listen up and run willy-nilly to the city Where is it started? Where is it started? Come on, they talk to me in public I'm in a different place If you see me tonight You can clearly see that I've been Where are you since morning? If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all,

please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.