Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 63: Spiders, Wasps & Baby Flies

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

We’re talking… late starts, sore throats, swearing at football matches, Tom’s new tour, speedy spiders and baby flies, wasp stings and bee allergies, Takeshi’s Castle (mango!) and friends in the front row. It’s a shorter show than usual this week but fingers crossed we’ll have a bonus episode for you on Friday. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

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It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Yum. Yeah, what you want?

Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last Request to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served

Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows

Fuck the censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill Never sheep's clothing Hello, hello, hello, hello. Every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog so late coming on and we've just then had a massive catch up so we haven't spoken for a while so there's a few variables and I'm going to throw you under the bus just a little bit you're going to throw me under the bus within five minutes yeah

I mean listen I wasn't going to mention this but we originally said 7-8 yeah and then but then I wanted to mate if we're going to get into the nits and grits

babe we said ok let's get into the nits and grits bro and then yeah ok ok alright right now the bus is fucking flyingits bro and then yeah okay alright right now the bus is fucking

flying past bro and there's a tank on the yeah but listen but the difference the difference is I'm not delaying for golf tournaments

I had league of their own meetings do you know what I mean my guy on Sunday but listen can you tell can you give me some help

I'm drinking throat tea bro because you have got a croak basically yeah I went to I went to Arsenal Man United on Sunday can you give me some help? I'm drinking throat tea, bro. You have got a croak. Basically. Yeah, I went to Arsenal Man United on Sunday. And look, I didn't think, I know this is not a football podcast.

It was one of the most exhilarating ways for a match to end. I watched it in the car on the way to a gig. It was so... So it was one all for most of the game. Neither team were that convincing. And then Man United scored a goal in, I think, the 87th minute or something. It was disallowed for offside.

Incredible by Gabriel to play that offside track. He was amazing. Can I shout out Gabriel? He was incredible. He was incredible. And then 97th minute, Declan Rice scores a goal to take it to 2-1. And then 101st minute, Gabriel Jesus scores again to make it 3-1.

Like all the kids were there. Lisa was there. Some of my mates, you know, a big group of us went up. How many of you were there? 15 of us, I think, went in there. 15? Yeah. Were you in a box? Yeah. us, I think, went in there. 15? Yeah. Were you in a box? Yeah.

Oh, my God, my God. Anyway, there's a bit... No, not anyway the box. No, but listen... Not anyway the box. My guy living it up in a box at Arsenal now. It's a one-off. My guy flying out to Miami to watch Messi.

Oh, my God. But, like, do you know what? It was like it was like obviously Grace is not of age yet to go to the football

no no no but here's the thing a guy walked past and said what do you think of Tottenham and Alex stood up

and went shit in front of everyone and Lisa reacted as if to say my attitude is if you're at the football

and people around you are swearing it's just sort of you know all bets are off football by the way I think is a really nice place

to slip into swearing yeah it's a nice place to slip into racism, misogyny just kind of all those old fashioned things that we've had

to give up in everyday society you know Arsenal's not like that. You don't get that. No, you don't. You don't. I think it's the most

progressive club. Well, I don't know about that. But I mean, they do try and be progressive. I don't know if they're the most progressive club. But what I would say is the only thing

I've ever heard in all my time there is, although I would say some of the stuff about Tottenham is, you know, they've got rid of it now, but back in the day,

it got a bit through. But I think in general, a lot of those chants have been weaned out. Yeah, they have been. Actively, it's not acceptable to say those things. They're quite right. But the only thing you see is a bit of language, do you know what I mean now? But I sort of feel like it's

part of the thing, do you know what I mean? It's part of the going to the, not part of the going to the football, but like you are, you have to, if you're taking the kids to the football, even if you're sat in like a safer enclosure, they are going to hear some, they're going to hear some language. You have to sort of, in my opinion, explain to them the context of it. What you don't expect is your son to stand up and go, shit, be the only one to scream back,

shit. I love that. Hold up. Because what I like is a chant where people don't swear. Like, that's just a cleverly

thought out chant. What's going on? I'm just trying to find out, find this one because we've got this new chant at West Ham, right? Yeah, go on.

For Alvarez and Kudos. Yeah. You know what I despise about TikTok? Can I just say this? Is when you try and click on a link to watch something. Let's look. All right, now that's not the one.

Hold up, mate. I want to get this. I mean, when we're up against time, this is going to be a real luxury. It's a real good use of time. It's a lot of pressure. You can't remember it now. Okay, great.

Google it. It was a really good shot. It was at the game the other day, Friday night. It was banging. Mate, I actually had some money on deck to score. Yeah.

I felt the deck was going to do it. I just, I felt that, you know, when you just look, some things are bigger than just the game, the script of Declan coming on and being in that game.

Well, yeah, but I mean, he's a don, right? And you've taken him to your heart, haven't you?

Well, you know, for that amount of money, you have to, don't you? I mean, if you don't take him to your heart.

But I, I, basically, I screamed and shouted. I didn't, I wasn't, I'm not that vocal of football fans,

to be honest with you. I would say that I'm fairly sort of muttery, would be my description of how I am at the football. But at the end, when they scored those two goals, I did go nuts. And now I'm struggling. And apparently, the best thing to do is to not speak. Yeah. And your job is speaking, right?

Yeah. So I'm drinking some throat tea currently and nice what's in throat so I've got an idea some sort of it's you know what you can't beat is honey 11 well I can't have honey because it's be slavery but I'll try I'll try some I'll try some lemon where are you with spiders by the way Where am I with them? We had a massive spot. So on Saturday night, I'm gigging, right?

I get a text in the interval from Catherine. Your tour's started now, right? Yeah, the tour's started. I can tell it's going well based on your Instagram. Every bit of praise you get, you repost it. I'm trying to shift tickets. Not all of us are you. You sell the tickets without it.

You don't even do posters. You sell trying to shift tickets. Not all of us are you. You don't even do posts that you sell out the O2. I'm struggling with Reading on a Friday night.

No, you're not, mate. I can't wait to come see you, mate. Lisa's so much more excited about

coming to see you than she's about coming to see my tour show, bro. I'm buzzing. Are we hanging out after?

Yeah, I'm well up for it, if you're up for it, yeah. Yeah, let's grab some food. So Catherine texted me at the interval, right? Yeah. Number one, Catherine, do you know,

so Catherine's a massive boxing fan. I did not. Wow. I did not know this. So Catherine's on Saturday, right? It's the first day of the tour at Chelmsford. Who isn't a fan of money spoiling the game and the fights that you want to see not happening?

I'm a massive fan of it. That's what she loves the most, right? so before the like you know arguably one of the bigger gigs like you know it's your first tour show mate and also can we just say let's take a moment okay because you haven't said this it's a big tour it's your first tour and i just want to take this i want to take this opportunity right Because you talked to me a while ago, I think on the podcast and off the podcast, about wanting to go back into stand-up. It's not your first time doing it, obviously.

You've started doing stand-up. And you put the graft in, and now you're reaping the dividends of having a really great tour show. I saw a preview the other night. It was really, really good. So I just want to say I saw a preview the other night it was really really good so I just want to say I'm proud of you man I'm really proud of you

for that thank you bro that means a lot anyway go on about this sad story so that's like by the way that's how you build someone up right because like the way

you would do it is like I love you you've worked on a tour I could just imagine you coming out going yeah I'm really sorry that the show's not as good as

I hoped it would be or whatever shit you come out of but anyway go on say something so Catherine before the show's not as good as I hoped it would be. Whatever shit you come out with. Anyway, go on. So Catherine, before the show, 15-20 minutes before, is texting because she's trying to get the Eubank vs. Smith undercard working

on my laptop. She doesn't use a Mac, she uses a PC. So she's trying to get the Mac up and work here. So she's losing her shit trying to get that done. Then at the interval, I get a text saying there's a massive great spider in our bedroom and she's had to decamp everything into one of the spare room.

And I'm like, well, there's nothing I'm like halfway through a tour show. And then she's like, well, I can't go in that room until the spider's gone. So I'm now sort of like in my head thinking

fucking hell I need to get back also I'm now I'm locked out on my iPad so I can't watch the boxing because fucking

can I say by the way Sky Sports up the game like if you're spending 20 pounds on a fucking boxing card Jesus Christ like what you should

you should be able to watch it on more than one device oh is that what the problem was you have to watch it yeah you can watch it on more than one device oh is that what the problem was you have to watch it you can watch it on one device you're like mate it's

without being disrespectful it was a great fight shout out to Shoebank shout out to Smith but what you've got to spend £40 if I want to watch it

on two devices they just want to do what they suspect that will happen which is that 27 Davises will all be smashing out of one account that's the problem

no but it's make it three devices. Right, okay. One device... Let's be absolutely honest here. I'm not 100% sure on how it works. It's very possible that that is already available, but you haven't found the option.

So you are going two-footed into Scrum. No, no, no, no. I looked everywhere for it, because, mate, I get in the car with Gratz, and I'm like, right, I need to watch this fight. I look at every option it's not there even though I'd

have spent another three pounds make it 23 pounds for fucking one more device add three quid but at the moment it's absolutely

like terrible terrible form anyhow I digress I get well I'm sure what'll happen is someone in Sky

someone from Sky will get in touch and then you'll be espousing how great the company is on the next podcast without any consideration for the experiences that people that aren't on television are having with it. 90% of my viewing is Sky. I'm a sports nut.

You know that, boy. Right? I'm just saying. You're always talking about it. Married at First Sight, SAS. Those are all the shows you talk about. They're all on Sky, aren't they? Well, I watched it through Sky.

Oh, yeah. Okay, sure. All right. That's the the shows you talk about. They're all on Sky, aren't they? Well, I watched them through Sky. Oh, yeah. Okay, sure. All right. That's the portal. Okay, go on. So I get home, and then Catherine's watching the box in the spare room. And I spent, honestly, I reckon 25 minutes, half an hour, chasing this massive spider around the room.

It was so quick. And my thing is, to you as a vegan, is like trying to catch a spider ethically and then throw it out of the house like out the front door it's almost impossible sure how do you go about doing that as a as an ethical well i mean it just depends how much you value the um you value the life of the spider i mean you've said to me it's very difficult to catch the spider ethically if it was a cat you wouldn't go well it's just easier to kill it isn't it well no If it was a cat, you wouldn't go, well, it's just easier to kill it, isn't it? Well, no, if it's a cat, I'd turn around and I know

that a cat's got a certain degree of human language it speaks. I know that with a cat, I can just put out... So what do you do? You'd communicate to the cat to leave him out? No, with a cat, I'd go,

yeah, yeah. And I'd fucking probably, over about 10 minutes, slowly earn its trust. So that is still a hassle, isn't it? But the difference is... Yeah, it's a hassle, but I reckon after 10 minutes, number one, if a cat's in my fucking house,

I'm starting to have a look around because I'm then worried about insecurity in general. Yeah, I would agree with that. I've got no cat flaps here. Do you know what I mean? Spiders are snakes, right? Spiders are snakes. All insects are snakes.

I'm still not convinced about insects. I had an argument with someone on the train. What does that mean? What does that mean? spiders are snakes all insects are snakes i'm still not convinced about insects i don't know what does that mean what does that mean what does that mean look i do you know what my big thing about insects is right go on then number one look you know when you see a publisher right and they've written a really good book and then they're like second or third book and it's well publishers very rarely publishers very rarely write books on they tend to publish them if you get a writer who like you know writes a really really good book right yeah then they then they've got to come out of the second album second book and it's a little bit more average it's not quite good it's just a fucking bit of a like pale comparison

or it's a bit it's a bit close to the bonus but anyway go on right my problem right is whoever makes made insects god or the planet or whatever there's some of them that are doing a lot of heavy lifting. It's like someone invented bees, right? And then you've invented fucking hornets and wasps. Just fucking have bees, mate. Like wasps and fucking hornets are just poor man. They're not doing anything good. Like bees make honey.

Boom. Do you know what I mean? Like flies. What are flies even for, mate? And everyone's like, oh, they help with the circle of life. But do we need them? Well, we do need them. I mean, you sort of contradict the circle.

Well, flies are just doing what maggots are doing. Well, maggots don't exist without flies. You're aware of this, right? What do you mean? Maggots turn into flies. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah.

Are you joking? No. Well, maggots are baby flies. Yeah. That, really? Yeah. Are you joking? No. What, maggots are baby flies? Yeah. That's fucking nuts. I mean, you've got me doubting myself now, but I'm pretty sure. I can't see that. Oh, maggots.

I can't believe I'm having to Google this. This is like the number of times I Google stuff that I believe to be. A maggot, yeah. A maggot is the larva of a fly maggots live for around five to six days before turning into pupae and eventually transitioning

into adult flies there you go that's fucking nuts yeah so do you no one told me that yeah okay well you know

nobody told me that Tom but yeah I know it yeah but how do you know it this is the problem right you're bandy about things where you want flies to be eliminated from the face of the planet

mate if I'm honest no no no I'm not seeing it now if I'm honest with you flies are pricks as maggots I'm not having maggots in the world

if I'm honest with you well actually 30 seconds ago you were a big fan of maggots and you were comparing them favourably to the fly and now all of a sudden you've found out

they're the same thing you've absolutely fucking won one of the quickest about faces now all of a sudden you've found out they're the same thing. You've absolutely fucking won, haven't you? No, no, but I like... One of the quickest about faces I've ever seen from you. No, if I've got the choice between a maggot and a fly, I'm having a maggot, right? Right.

But if knowing that they're the same thing, I'm like, why do you turn into something even worse? Something shit. If you were a maggot, would you not want to turn into a fly? Let's look at it from their point of view yeah I probably would because it's a bit more luxurious

and you get to drive around but a maggot I know where I'm at with a maggot what does that what does any of this even mean well with a maggot

it just sits there and eats rotten meat and eats stuff right yeah that's all maggots do they kind of don't get in your face they don't bother you

flies have we've talked about this before flies have got an arrogance to them flies know they can't be caught they you know obviously we're trying do you know one of my friends the other day brought one of those uh salt guns we see yeah i was about to ask you about this is this is the sort of thing i can imagine you having in your locker actually a salt gun so this is like a it looks like a rifle doesn't it but it's a shotgun yeah yeah it shoots so yeah he made a video on tiktok of it

and of course it looks pretty cool yeah i said to katherine about buying one they're like quite expensive and she said no you're not having one of those i think they should be expensive if i'm being honest with you it it it's definitely i mean it's the definition of a luxury item isn't it especially in this country a gun that shoots salt at flies. You should have to pay over the odds for that. But where do you sit with it as an ethical man? Well, I mean, it's complicated for me because I'm scared of spiders. So, yeah, so here's what...

So what would happen is that Lisa would text me and go, there's a spider in the room. And then I'd come back and I'd spend 15 to 20 minutes being chased around the room by the spider. It would be a very different experience would you would you not like so do you are you if the world were you put in a glass with a beer man yes correct yeah yeah yeah unless it was like unless I was really panicked you know like full disclosure I don't want people to like have a go at me but if I'm in a situation where a wasp is really coming at me you you know, if it's me or the wasp, it has to be the wasp.

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I am future. I wait in the world of echo discover the extraordinary with echo the spectacular new show by cirque du soleil opens may 8th under the big top at toronto lakeshore boulevard west tickets at cirque du soleil.com the world is yours to create echo thanks it its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. I've got to say to you, I got stung by a wasp the other day. Right, where? On the head. Right, what happened?

I'm walking to the barbers and as I'm strolling along, I feel a little tickle on my hand. Right? Yeah right I look down there's a wasp there and bang it just stings like bites or stings me

whatever it does right the agony like I sprint as quick as I can to save us I walk into save us and I sprint into save us and I'm like

I've just been stung by a wasp have you got anything for this the woman from the counter like he jumps to attention she's incredible

yeah she comes around and says look we've got like you know have straight away get one of these and gave me like

what's it called um an anti-histamine yeah gave me some numbing cream still the pain was agony agony

I don't think it was things agony is it when did you last get stung I've been stung since 1993 probably and I completely underestimated the pain. Really?

Because my recollection of it is it's quite annoying, but not agony. Oh, no, this was agony. Okay. When I went into the barbers, by that time, I had this sort of pain relief plaster that the women had given me. Right. And he said what had happened, and I was like, I got stung by a wasp. And he, like you, was was sort of he laughed a little bit

I love he has banter with me and I just I was sitting there genuinely going it took me out of action I think banter wise

for about a day and a half yeah just smarted I think would be the word right and I think you know what I'd have been sitting

because I could see by your face right I'm not doing anything you're sitting up here in your ivory tower no I'm not you're. You're sitting up here in your ivory tower. No, I'm not. You're peering. You've got this snobbish look.

You're the tough guy. You're turning very much into Eddie Hall. No, I haven't got a snobbish look. It's just, look, I'm allergic to bee stings, right? Are you fucking joking? No. So whenever we go on like, that's part of the reason I've got such a fear

of anything like that because you just sort of become do you know what go on what that now that that actually

raises my anxiety I would take a bee sting for you even though I'm talking about the pain that I suffered with that wasp sting if there was a bee

flying towards me and I'd fucking push you into a road and just fucking jump in front of the bee that feels far more dangerous than standing in the path of the beast. Well, no, if you're allergic to bees, wrong.

You're basically Macaulay Culkin from fucking My Girl. I know. You'd push me into the road. What? I'll take the beast thing for you and then you just turn around and I'm under a bus. No, but do you know this one killed Macaulay Culkin in My Girl? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're saying it as if Macaulay Culkin's actually dead dead like his character yeah that's why they couldn't make it well they did make a second one it wasn't as good because that character had died yeah you're invested yeah in some ways actually and this might sound harsh my thing with that film have you ever have you watched it recently not recently no i've re-watched it right and actually like he would have been like me and you when he got i mean he already spent his whole life in the friend zone she'd have gone off to college she'd have been the cooler edgier guys he'd have just been waiting for us come home you got a shitty job in a i don't know doing something he didn't really care about and actually he would always be remembered by her

as the first lover of her life who was killed by bee stings. So he was sort of held up within this pedestal. If life had carried on for him, it would have been like mine and yours. His teenage and early 20 years would be absolutely bleak. I'm not saying it was good that he got killed by the bees, but I'm just saying that. Luckily, he had eventually got married to a wonderful woman and still occasionally feel like he's in the friend zone.

But I got stung when I was a kid. I was at Chessington World of Adventures, I think, or Thought Park or something, and I got stung by a bee under the armpit, in the armpit. And then my face started swelling up, like, massively. And they had to put a mask on. Well, they didn't have to put a mask on. My mum and dad were worried about me being embarrassed,

so they bought, like, a lion mask, put it on me. Yeah. I thought you meant, like, a medical mask. No, no, no, like an actual mask. Because I look like whatever from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Like, I put everything, like... Oh, no, yeah, yeah. Veruca, is it?

Yeah. Anyway, I properly, like, swelled up, got, like, really, like, inflated all over. And then to rush me out, I got taken to this doctor friend, like, well, there's a doctor who's also a friend of the family, and he gave me an injection in the batty.

And then it eventually sort of came down. I had a terrible reaction. And now, whenever we're, like... For the travel show, they always have to have one of those what they're called yeah adrenaline epi pen or whatever and then like and like we come across i mean that's kind of why i've got this inherent fear of that sort of shit do you know what i mean but isn't it mad though because like i look at you all right and think you're actually probably for the bees and spiders and insects you're like almost one of them.

Like you're a decent, like you're helping out. Like you don't kill them. You know, sometimes when I'm trying to figure out if you're working your way to a dig, I just have to look at your face and how pleased you are with yourself, as you're saying this. No, this isn't actually a dig. This is actually, it's quite a mad thing to say,

but as a sweetness, sweetness right you think like you you've you started off this podcast you're like i would never take the life of a bee nay a wasp right okay yeah you basically it feels that the insects should actually get right look i'm going to be honest i'm full disclosure i'm a prick when it comes to these things when that was stung me i'm like you know what i'm in the game this the war. It's basically the wire for me and them. I'm basically Stringer Bell, and he's fucking Marlowe or something. Do you know what I mean?

This is the game. I think that might be one of the saddest things I've heard you say out loud. Go on. I absolutely love you you're such a prick but I love you but I'm in the fucking game right

I'm in the game with the insects you're not you're a fucking you're an innocent bystander it feels like if a wasp is going towards you like another insect should just go whoa whoa whoa fucking kev kev kev leave it mate he's fucking all right he's all right he's not in the fucking game yo he's a white flag he's like fucking yeah the problem is leave him the problem is the problem is is um one obviously you're putting on insects a level of sort of

intelligent understanding they don't have but also it's not the bee's fault that i'm allergic it's my body i've been betrayed by my own body as is the case with so many things in my life so like it's actually your reaction that's the issue it's not the sting the sting is like i respect the bee's right to have a sting gemini's self-defense thing the problem is is my body reacts i had this thing on holiday because it turns out out of all of my family lisa the boys including charlie our youngest i react the most to mosquito in terms of like actual moaning my reaction to mosquito bites is far worse than anybody else so we'll be sat having dinner we're all got shorts on because it's hot on the holiday. Just go on.

And then I start getting bitten on the legs. And I can't, I don't know. I think to myself, I must be the only one getting bitten here because all I can think about, I say, can I just ask a question?

Is everybody else getting bitten? And they went, yeah. But they just carry on with their evening. I cannot carry on with the evening. I've got to say I'm with you on that. To the point where Lisa was getting, she's going, Romesh,

we're all getting bitten. Can you just relax? The boys are getting bitten, but they're able to just continue. And then I ended up Googling. And you know, do you know the reason that we get itchy bites? No.

So it's not the mosquitoes doing actually. What it is, is the mosquito bites you, a bit of its saliva goes into your bloodstream and your body goes we don't want that there we've got to deal with it and then it sends the thing that makes it itch to you to that area that's why you get the itchy bum so it's actually what you're doing it's your reaction itchy bump oh i thought you said itchy bum no i'm not talking about what happens i imagine

twice or three times a day yeah that's probably because you're not wiping your bum properly. Oh, mate. The number of times we had to halt King Gary filming because you had to pull your pants out of your arse. Oh, Tom's got... Guys, guys, guys, we've just committed a couple of minutes.

Tom's got a hungry bum again. The, um... The, uh... Your body is an amazing thing, by the way, because it does always protect you no yeah but it's a friend that you never know

you have sometimes well I'm pretty aware that I've got a body most of the time I'd say no no no but like stuff like that when it's defending you against you go

oh fucking hell actually it's a pretty fucking I also do think it's amazing how much stuff's going on without you consciously thinking about it

do you know what I mean like all of the systems that are running yeah but I don't want to consciously think about some shit no obviously I mean I mean? Like all of the systems... Yeah, but I don't want to consciously think about some shit. No, obviously. I mean, I would forget for my heart to beat. Yeah.

I mean, imagine if you're in control of that. Oh, by the way, do you know your skin breathes? Yes, yeah. I'm pretty sure everybody knows that. I only found that out, mate. Your revelations really are quite something. You know what's amazing to me is that you would deliver that like it's an incredible fact,

but then deliver the fact that you use an arse pebble in the same way that somebody would tell you they've brushed their teeth this morning. Oh, actually, can I shout out, by the way,

someone at Ramsgate brought me a new pebble, which is a really, really nice one, and they painted it, which is beautiful. Shout out to them. It was an incredible thing. Is it non-toxic paint?

Because you are going to be using it internally, aren't you? Well, you know, it doesn't actually up my arse. No, I know. I really don't want to go through the procedure again, to be honest with you. Not that I have gone through the procedure. I've not used an ice pebble, nor will I ever.

I still think it's insane that you haven't. Yeah. But you know, actually, another thing is keep a pebble in your... Don't use the same one, obviously, because it's disgusting. But actually keep an ice-cold pebble, and if you do get a wasp sting, boom. Fucking absolutely amazing. Yeah, obviously, you don't use the same one.

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Good night, kids. Good night, Mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils.

So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today can we uh while we are not while we i mean it was totally unrelated but something i've just remembered uh can i just say thank you so much to everybody that sent emails in about Takeshi's Castle oh wow the show that Tom and I commentated on

it's available on Prime Video right now but I forgot have you watched it yet probably sat back and watched it Lisa and Charlie

had the first episode on and I did I did watch I've got to be honest I found everything I said unbearable so I couldn't watch much more than about I just yeah it was one of the most fun shows that I've made episode on and i did i did watch i i've got to be honest i found everything i said unbearable so i

couldn't watch much more than about i just yeah it was one of the most fun shows that i've made i really enjoyed it yeah and spending time with you it was just a dream yeah there's one thing that sort of slightly backfired on us uh we'd forgotten about this and then we didn't understand what's going so we said i can't remember exact wording. I've not watched it back. But I think it was you talking over the credits at the end of one of the shows. Yeah. And then one of us said, I don't think anybody will have watched this far. If you have watched this far, message us the word mango.

And I think we said we'd take you out for dinner. Anyway, I don't know what your socials are like. I've had mango message to me i reckon 300 times over the last week yeah i was gonna say it's pretty insane how many people have messaged mango and actually quite a few people at uh the gig on saturday night shout we're just shouting out mango well we really have made ourselves quite the bed to lie in haven't we with that that was a smart move what we might have to do is just you know like harry potter where they've got the big

dining hall and everyone eats. Yeah. Let's just do that kind of vibe. Yeah, I enjoy talking about things that will never happen as well, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I am surprised

that anybody did watch that far. Yeah. But, anyway. Yeah. I digress. We digress. I love saying that, by the way. I know you do,

because you've used it there when you weren't even in the middle of telling a story I don't think so awesome yeah but yeah

so thank you everyone who's watched and my tooth feels so much better so thank you for the what's going on with that it's so much better now Tony did an amazing job

shout out Tony I've got to go back get the Invisalign back in but it's feeling less toxic I feel more like my old self It's so much better now. Tony did an amazing job. Shout out, Tony. I've got to go back, get the Invisalign back in. But it's feeling less toxic. I feel more like my old self. Thank you for being a friend as well and checking in with me. Quite a lot.

You are, yeah. You're a good guy, man. Why did you lick your lips when he said that? No, because I was... That was so weird. Thank you. It wasn't quite a licking. It was that, again. You went like this.

Thank you for being a friend. Like that. Why'd you do that? I don't know. It just did me, I guess. It's the sort of thing I can imagine Matthew McConaughey doing if he shat to one of his friends. Yeah, 100%.

100%. So, Tom, what are we going to do? I'm a bit nervous about Reading now. Oh, really? Well, not in a bad way. I slightly regret

announcing it on the podcast that I was coming. Not only did I announce I was coming, I announced which day I was coming and which venue I was coming to, which is not bad.

Which weirdly has meant that a lot of tickets have shifted now on Saturday, but Friday's really sudden. So sort of weirdly actually it feels that more people are coming to see you in the audience than are actually coming to see

you on stage. Well, they're going to be incredibly disappointed, because as you know Tom, me and the reality of a social setting is a much different proposition. Don't watch from backstage, because I don't want to look in the wings and see you there. Well, I was actually talking to a mate about this.

You know when I did Latitudes? Yeah. So Lisa and the kids were there. Yeah. And have you done Latitude before?

No, no, no. I don't do Latitudes for my crowds. Like, so they've got a big tent. It's not like a big tent. It's a big tent. And then they've got

a barrier at the front. Yeah. And then on the front of the barrier there's like a big tent it's not like a big tent it's a big tent and then they've got a barrier at the front yeah and then on the front of the barrier there's like little sort of steps at least when the kids sat there

on the front right at the front oh my god no way so you had the rest of the audience they needed a barrier and then you had them sort of all sat

in the front thing oh man that makes me feel sick even thinking about it it was very very and not it wasn't very very anxiety inducing

I don't want to overstate it. But I would say it's probably, I would say the only place worse to sit than that would be on my back as I do the set. I had a friend at one of the preview shows who came and sat in the front row with his wife. And he spent the whole of the time trying to almost guess my punchlines, which was fucking annoying. And his wife clearly didn't want to be there.

He'd obviously turned around and said, look, I'm a mate of Tom's. I've known him for a long, long time. I've known him since I was a kid. But it's quite clear, quite quickly, that his wife would rather be anywhere else watching anyone else. She just sat there staring at me with absolute disdain. And it was genuinely like... Number one, I'd say this.

If you know a comedian or a performer, I'd say there's a 99% chance, if you're a friend of theirs and you're going to a gig, don't sit in the front row. It's so off-putting sitting in the front row and you're going to a gig don't sit in the front like it's so off-putting sitting in the front row and you know someone i find i don't know about you i find it awful it genuinely kills me yeah well i had a i didn't have a thing with the front row i mean obviously if i ever go to watch a mate i'm sitting somewhere where they can't see me because

yeah even it i just think it's regardless of what your relationship is with that person. It's off putting. But I had a thing where Martin Too Smooth, my tour DJ, shout out Martin. He would often be playing a club after the tour shows. Yeah. And he once invited, there was like a load of girls at him and his mate knew. And they wanted to, they were going to the club after us. And he goes, I'm doing one of your shows beforehand. Like, come watch the show if you want.

And they got no interest in me. I don't even think they'd even heard of me, right? Which is, you know, fine. I'm willing to accept that people haven't heard of me. That's absolutely fine. But they came to the show not really being into stand-up comedy and not wanting to watch the show, but watched it anyway because it's like Martin had sorted out comps.

And then I went down to the club later on, and all those girls were there at the actual thing they'd turned up for and then they proceeded to review to me what they thought. Now, bearing in mind, like, stand-up review from somebody that actually is invested, like, is actually into,

or might be invested in stand-up or whatever, it's still difficult to hear, but, like, I don't want to get reviewed on the night of the gig, you know, when I'm out. No. But it was like a group of people that had zero interest. And they're sort of like, yeah, you know, like... Yeah, it's not really for me.

Yeah, it's not, you know, that sort of thing of, like, somebody trying to make you laugh. It's a bit of an ick, really. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's just a bit... Like, I thought, for what it is, like, bearing in mind I sort of don't like stand-up as a thing, do you know what I mean, like, it's just a bit... Like, I thought for what it is, like, bearing in mind I sort of don't like stand-up as a thing, do you know what I mean? I never really laugh with stand-up as much as you do

just with your friends, do you know what I mean? I think that's funny. I don't think somebody standing up there and desperately trying to make you laugh is a funny thing. Which, by the way, is the last thing you want to hear is a stand-up because us standing up up there every now and again i get a feeling of like absolute like how needy is this isn't it i mean look there's no getting around it is neither like it's needy to get on stage and want people to laugh at you

it's expected to be paid for that is one of the biggest examples of arrogance in the world, I think. Do you know what I mean? You've not even learned to play a song, right? What you're doing is you're standing up on stage and you're saying what you think about shit. That's great having this talk just before I fucking go back out. You want people to pay you. Thanks for this. Yeah, no, no, you really have

really made me feel pumped up. Listen, mate, I'm as guilty as you are, okay? I'm a snake oil salesman too. Yeah, but you're not in the middle of your fucking sentence. You, mate, I'm as guilty as you are. I'm a snake oil salesman too. Yeah, but you're not in the middle of your fucking sentence. I'm a fucking Morgan Freeman. I'm still in the fucking Shawshank, mate. You're fucking Tim Robbins. You've made your way up through the sewer.

Right, Tom, you've got a go, haven't you? Yeah, I've got a chip, man. Okay. Should we try and do it? I mean, we might not do it, but should we try and do an email special this week? We have to, have to, have to, have to do a bonus episode.

So this is my promise to you. We're doing a bonus episode this week. Sweet, let's do an email. Sweet, sweet email special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should drop on Friday. Okay, let me digress. Let me break this down.

Oh, wow, okay. All right, I'm actually going to do it. Okay, cool. Okay. Friends, yeah. It should drop on Friday. Okay, let me digress. Let me break this down. Oh, wow, okay. All right, I'm actually going to do it. Okay, cool. Okay. Friends, enemies, games of chess versus games of draft, a deck of cards with a joker that we all just think is redundant, but sometimes it can be a game maker. Truth is about life is sometimes the most volatile moments can become the

most joyous. Sometimes a big wave that hits you when you're on a surfboard and takes you underwater for just a second can feel quite scary. But actually when you get up you feel and it's actually been quite an exhilarating thing. Sometimes when you go toe-to-toe with a wasp or a spider you realize that fear is just a different package of excitement. That's what a rollercoaster is. But then you're in control, maybe, just for a second. The truth about life is always breaking down walls, always looking for different frontiers to challenge yourself.

Sometimes that might be standing in front of a room of strangers and trying to make them laugh, or sometimes that's just picking up a hula hoop and making it wave around your waist. It can be scary to make them laugh, or sometimes that's just picking up a hula hoop and making it wave around your waist. It can be scary to try new things, but don't let that fear daunt your day. Try something different today, and when you're doing it, remember, you've got two losers behind you who tried something different and it changed their lives.

And you know what? That feels pretty good. Wow. That was... That was just, you know what that in the end halfway through i thought these are just words and none of it makes sense no and i thought well i've done 250 of these my fucking change now yeah you had a bit of self-belief about you and i respected it um okay i just rediscovered a song uh that i really like it's one of my favourite hip-hop songs ever. It's Auditorium by Mos Def,

now known as Yasin Bey. So, JT, could you play us out with that? We're going to have a bonus episode for you. We'll speak to you very soon. Thank you so much for listening. Hopefully, my voice

will be recovered. I'm going to do a lot of voice recovery. A lot of throat coke, a lot of all of that shit, and I will be sounding silky smooth. Although, I do slightly prefer my voice like this.

I like it, I think it's sexy. Thanks. Love it, guys. See you next time, guys. Love you. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. I'm blowing smoke. A smile on my face, but it's really no joke. You feel it in the street that people breathe without hope. They're going through the motion. They're dimming down the focus.

The focus get cleared and the light turns sharp and the eyes grow teary. The mind grow weary. I speak it so clearly. Sometimes y'all don't hear me. I push it past the base. No nations got to feel me. I feel it in my bones. Black.

I'm so wide awake that I'm hardly ever sleep. My flow forever deep. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.