Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 66: Mushroom Powder & An E-Scooter

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

We’re talking… croaky voices, very chatty audiences, punting problems, unexpected house visitors, a missing Swan, post-show etiquette and showing enthusiasm, farmer’s markets, a very charming mushroom powder salesman and Rom’s very short-lived electric scooter plans. Look out for the bonus episode on Friday! It's already recorded so definitely happening. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresame Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresame.com to learn more. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them.

Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Yum. It's A&W's Classic Breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Yeah. Yeah, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur?

Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last. Request to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts. Get severed and served. Bring your weak shit where the wolf and owl are. That ain't just a mistake.

That's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping

Impressive innit, the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog welcome everyone to the world for now i i can you hear my voice is a bit yeah you've got a croak yeah you've got a nice croak to it. Actually, talking about that, you did a video the other day about people complaining about the heat, and then your generic idiot voice of people that talk about it was very much an impression of me. It wasn't supposed to be, man.

I don't know whether that was... It very much sounded like myself. When I watched it, I was chuckling to myself, thinking thinking oh here he goes king zing's on it again other uh the old gag merchant and uh um i uh well listen man i dude i can only apologize because it must be uh i mean i guess that makes us even doesn't it i do one impression that might be of you on an Instagram video and you regularly do an impression of me every single week and do it at the live shows and you get some massive round of applause and it's become the voice that people most associate with me,

more than my own. So, yeah, no, you're right. You're right. I'm a piece of shit. All my burly friends. Mate, so, yesterday... Hit me back. Oh, by the way, we're doing two episodes this week.

This is the first of two. We're going to just chat on this one. Why have I announced this? Am I supposed to announce it? Yeah, you can announce it. We're just chatting on this one. Yeah, we're just chatting on this one and then we'll do some emails.

And we're doing this at 7.11. It's 7.11 in the morning now. Were you gigging last night? No. No, I wasn't. I had the night off. But I did stay up till late, foolishly. Yeah, I was gigging.

I've got a league tonight. Have you? Yeah, I've done the last four nights. Yeah. So my voice feels it now. But I've had four banging nights in four beautiful cities. Incredible cities. So shout out everyone who came.

Well, shout out nearly everyone who came along. So you just change up the gig reports between when we're recording and when we're not, yeah? No, I was saying to you beforehand look you said it was full nests of pricks and you're just happy to take their money and run is what you said beforehand

oh I'm going to get you now I'm going to have a little dig at you now oh here we go here we go here we go he's unsheathed the sabre actually he didn't unsheath the sabre that was so dumb the audience is incredible

one thing I'll say is there seems to be an unholy amount of people who turn up and feel that it's a conversation rather than a show certainly two of the four that have just gone I find it insane that when you're doing stand-up people try to almost have a conversation or just have a conversation in like the third row through the whole show like they're in a bar how do you how

do you deal with that as an experience like you i look at you a bit like you're merlin and i'm arthur wow um so i'm sort of like the old wise and kind of wizard and you're the young upstart who's going to go and become one of the greatest in the world well yeah

but Merlin's look there's a cameo you've got a cameo look somebody's look look behind Catherine and Grace are they waving it

she's waving it oh yeah little G GG GG she loves this room she's obsessed she's starting her own podcast.

Yeah? Yeah, aren't you? Oh, she wants to come in. Oh, bless her. Oh, that's so sweet. Do you just stay in that room all day? You just let her in for 10 minutes at a time? You know what I'm trying to do is have that sort of feeling

that my office is a place that, you know, when she comes in it, she sort of is like, it's a special occasion. A bit like, you know, when she comes in it, she sort of is like, it's a special occasion, a bit like, you know, like a venture play, yeah, playground or something like she sort of, and I like the idea of me sort of sitting in here with you and then Catherine going,

shh, daddy's working, daddy's working. He's doing important business. That's right. It's nice for her to realise that you can make money from doing something that requires no effort or talent whatsoever, which is how I describe the Wolf of Now podcast for anybody that doesn't know about it uh how do i deal with that well like the truth is on the last tour like my first tour people come

and see me this is i mean i don't want to get too much detail but when i did my first tour people come and see me as a stand-up and now i don't know if this is happening to you but like now like there are people that come and see me that have watched the travel show or have watched league and don't know me as a stand-up so it's more like they've seen that i'm on in their town so they come and so it's more like they almost don't know what to expect do you know what i mean like they don't know what it is yeah you know like it's. So, so, so then when you do start doing it, I have had more than one occasion, people not realizing you're supposed to be quiet during the show.

Like they sort of think it's like a, an evening with or something like that. So they start like sharing that questions or you're like, yeah, honestly, that's the, that's the way some people like, so like you'll do a bit and then somebody would just shout out.

Yeah, that happens in our house. And you go, yeah, I mean, it's the nature of observational comedy that i hope it does that's exactly what you have yeah and then they'll be like chatting their way through and they go yeah yeah no he does that like what you're describing he does that and then you go yeah yeah i know i know but like the thing is you've got to like they don't know that they're fucking with the rhythm of what's happening do you mean they think they're like being they're just having a look they're just getting involved it's like it's difficult thing where you're walking a line between they've got to stop talking because it's damaging the show but at the same time they're not being

horrible if somebody heckle it's actually more difficult that than if somebody like says you're shit or whatever heckle you might get you can then like then you can just like deal with it if somebody thinks they're being nice but you also need them to shut up that's quite it's quite a difficult line to walk it's it's it's it's like a head fuck but it's also nice because they're usually enjoying the show and you're like you can have a you know it's when you chat to them and then they keep on talking like now they think now yeah i don't know the other day who genuinely thought that we became a double act,

which was, which was the nice woman. But I was like, this isn't why people have come. They haven't come to see me and someone who's sitting in the third row, have a conversation because number one, you're not mic'd. And as funny as you think you are only about sort of like 6% of the audience

can hear what you're saying. It's like genuinely. And then I start feeling for the rest of the audience. hear what you're saying. It's like genuinely. Then I start feeling for the rest of the audience. Yeah. It's a mad one. But they've been amazing shows, man. By the way, I've got to ask you this, right?

Because I can't believe I'm talking about this. What did you think of my prank? Which prank? I asked one of the techs to make your mic cut in and out during your show. Did it happen? Oh, man. Jeez. How do you know about this?

No, it was... Number one, can I say... You're such a cheeky little chester. You think you're so... No, somebody emailed in and said that your mic had an issue or something. So before the show, I went to Cambridge with Catherine and Grace, which was amazing. Took Grace on a punt, which sort of actually, in retrospect, she's a bit too young and spent the whole time trying to jump in the river

in Cambridge. I don't know if that was because my chat was so drab. Have you ever been punting? Oh, we've got a pause hello mate we had a big yeah you dropped

out there go on is it mine mine's really quick I just tested it mine's fine

usually I don't know I can't see where mine would be anyway it doesn't matter so you took

you took grace you took grace on a punt yeah we went punting have you been punting before?

I think I've been punting in Cambridge, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's an insane thing because you're watching... It's a very difficult thing, punting, right? It's the real technique to it. Me and Catherine watched about three or four people, solely men, get on these punts, right, and sort of give it a large, like,

oh, I'll be able to do this this will be easy and and fall into the water into the really embarrassingly so yeah what's he wrong like because the nature you got to push that big pole right and then you've got to pull it out and push it and it gets stuck in the bottom so what you see is it getting stuck like the the pole getting stuck and then the fucking thing going pushing out further and further and then then they're trying basically instead of they try and hold on to the pole getting stuck and then the fucking thing going pushing out further and further and then they're trying basically instead of

they're trying to hold on to the pole instead of just sort of letting it go and fall in but it was like these sort of people are falling into the water

mate I said to the guys does this happen all the time and the bloke was like yeah I see 12 to 15 people a day falling in the water shut up are you serious

mate it's insane it's mad I was just sitting there just watching these blokes just thinking, at what point did you think this looked easy? And also, like,

one guy was clearly, because he was clearly on a sort of quite a fresh date in quite a, like, sort of new relationship, right? Yeah. And the girl,

the woman, was sitting there drinking her Pimms. So dressed up really nicely. He was quite well dressed up. Hugo passed from head to toe. Where do you stand on two pieces? The two-piece short and shirt set?

Do you mean like a co-ord? What are you talking about? Yeah, like a co-ord. Yeah, like a matching shirt and a matching pair of shorts. Well, I feel like the idea of them is better than the reality if i'm being honest with you sort of like you see him i think i mean i can't really pull them off to be honest yeah i can't and and so i think like there'll be certain people like when you walk past the they're a billboard extravagance aren't they you'll walk past someone on a billboard

and think oh they look amazing i might get that because i'll look the same and then you buy it and then you just sort of look at yourself and you look like, it looks like Hugo's been sick on me. You know, it's so this guy had that on and then he had also Hugo boss trainers. Yeah. So he looked like he'd gone out for a day and he'd gone in bigger on Hugo.

Um, and he's, and he's this, the woman he's with sitting there, she's having some pimps and you could see her face just going like, why didn't we just spend an extra £30 getting someone to do this for us? And he's sort of laughing and trying to give it a big one. And he's really struggling.

And then the stick thing gets caught in the mud. And you just watch him just fall in. It was really horrible to watch. And she's sort of laughing. And there's probably about 150 people out on the river just laughing at him and he sort of swims

and he tried to make it funny but then he hasn't got a pole now he's got a cheap little paddle and he's got to wait for someone to sort of come and help him it was really quite

it's the sort of thing that would happen to me in my heyday of being a loser what is happening did you do it though? Is this out? Is this?

No, I didn't. Oh, then you dropped out again. I'm going to move somewhere, man. I don't know. Let me, it might be me. I'm going to try and go, oh, shit.

I've lost, I don't know if you can hear me. I've lost Tom. I mean, you can hear me because I'm just recording locally. But I've lost Tom. I'm going somewhere else. Ah. me because I'm just recording locally. But I've lost Tom. I'm going somewhere else. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home.

With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at Questrade.com. So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx.

Okay, but what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's say that... FedEx.

What a... FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know.

Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Okay, so I don't know how much of this would have been included jt you're gonna have to cut this middle section yeah you're gonna do some snippets i've had to look guys look look full disclosure i've had to move rooms there's some issue with my internet tom was janking in and out we're in the middle of a really exciting punch chat yeah and now romesh is in very excitingly he is in his and the swans bedroom which is very exciting um it's also nice looking man because when i went

to your house and get a tour of the upstairs um yeah i didn't get i didn't get a tour of the downstairs all the upstairs in your house because i've not been invited around look we've mate i've thrown the offer out there so I'm just saying That's not no but can I tell you something an offer of going you can come round

whenever you want is not an offer that's not an invite Right I'm going to invite but also can I just say this right Yeah It has to be the

Toby Carvery and I want the Toby Carvery review I'm not going to mention it because we've mentioned it quite excessively in the last two episodes Well I'm pretty sure we've breached some sort of legal guideline on

it to be honest with you i feel like i'm a i'm an accomplice and then you come around to the house um yeah and you can sort of say yeah i'll show you everything speaking of coming around to the house tom can i just tell you something that happened yesterday no this feels so this is amazing though i can hear you clearly it feels like a luxury but um somebody buzzed on the door yesterday oh and um lisa answered and they said we'd like 15 minutes of romesh's time and then lisa said what's it about and they said we just need to speak to Romesh about something quite important so I said Lisa then Lisa

made the maverick decision of not telling them I was out and just saying hold on one second yeah but hey hey hey defence for the swan here

that's a very unusual predicament and she was she probably felt quite threatened so she needed you to come and be there for her

well I didn't do that i mean look i didn't think that what what what are you what are you doing oh my god i oh well okay finish the story and then we'll break no no go on what do you know what do you want to say let's hear what you got well i'm hoping that what happened is you you got off the sofa sort of finished playing you know warcraft or bloody call of duty or whatever you're playing and said, well, okay, let me deal with this. I'm hoping that's what happened. No, that isn't what happened. So they said they wanted to talk to me about some sort of something or other.

And they said it was like a thing they wanted me to get involved in, like some event or something like that. The audacity of these people to turn up your house out of the blue i know it's weird it's really weird and also that's the big thing because that drives about a mile long so that's a big oh here we go that's a big risk that's a two mile walk just to sort of like you know we couldn't see them because the house is so far away from the front where they were buzzing it was like why did i try and join in on that it's pathetic so half-hearted anyway the long

and the short of it is is that um well i didn't go out to see them but they didn't leave for quite a while i mean we were due to go out for right we were going out for a roast dinner last night and um i was quite nervous that they were still going to be there when I left, to be honest with you. Well, can I ask what they look like? I've got no idea. Have you already thought about one? Yeah, but the swan...

I'd need to get the swan in to describe what they look like. Swan. Swan. This is actually quite like. Swan. Swan. This is actually quite terrifying. Swan. She doesn't respond to Swan anymore. This is also a sad indication of how your life is. Lisa. Lisa.

My God, this is tragic. She's in the room. I don't understand why she's not responding. Lisa. Oh, my God. You're like Shuey Griffin. Lisa! Lisa, for fuck's sake!

Actually, I don't think she is in the room. I think she might go to test. Well, I hope she's not because otherwise it's a really sad indication of how your relationship's going. All the jokes you do

is if she's standing in this room and you're doing that and she's just staring at you. Well, you know what? You know what? You joke about that. What she does like to do, and I've learnt now not to do this. Whenever she comes

to watch a show, occasionally I like go, oh, at the end of the show and go, oh, my wife Lisa's in the audience. She fucking makes out like she's not there. So I go, Lisa, do you want to just say hello? And she just remains completely silent. Are you sure that people are at the door and lisa wasn't just fucking with you no she no i know there were people at the door but but then then i then i go oh lisa must have not come back i genuinely think oh she must have not come back for the second half maybe her

mates wanted to go for a drink and then she'll come and meet me after the show and she'll go and i go were you in the second half of the show she goes yeah but I called I called I said your name and said like say it alone she goes yeah I didn't want to do that oh wow wow

I mean that is listen I mean look if people have listened like been at your gigs and that's happened and now where you're sort of

crying out her name and she's not coming it is there's a chance that she doesn't exist I mean I've seen her I've met her and you're

yeah but can you see Grace just trying to smash down the door there's a chance that she doesn't exist i mean i've seen her i've met her and yeah but can you see grace just trying to smash down the door no no she's below the level of the other yeah yeah she's a little rascal she's you actually you do spend time this is a real this is a real insight into our family life so we've got a situation where my wife is somebody who i basically pay occasionally to appear when friends come around but doesn't really exist and your child is someone who so rarely sees you then when she does glance at you through a window she's trying to bang the door down to get to you yeah like the end of the king like the end of the kingsman having said that Having said that,

having said that, is there an argument that that feels worse now in 2023 than it used to? People used to knock on your door all the time to have a chat with you,

didn't they? Not about stuff like that. But what I mean is, you get people knocking on the door going, we're doing like driveways in the area, one of them's going to come in

and have a chat about it. But that's it. They could speak to anyone in the home and say we're doing driveways and someone could... They specifically picked you out to come and have a chat. Like it's a social. What I'd say is if they come back, just arrange to meet them somewhere

and then just turn up, like meet them in a cafe or an area where there's loads of other people. You know what Jerry Maguire did when he, what the guy did when he sat Jerry Maguire? Busy restaurant. Yeah. Do you know what my mum did? And I'm nervous

of telling this story because I don't want people to suddenly think this, because I've since warned my mum off doing this. Two people contacted her on Facebook and said,

oh, we watched you on Ranganation or whatever. We really want to meet you. Is it possible to meet you? And then mum arranged to meet them in a cafe. What?

Yeah. She told me about it. She goes, I'm meeting this couple. couple i said how do you know them she goes i don't know them they just got in touch with me and said that they they liked what i did on tv or whatever and they wanted to meet up i said are you fucking insane what are you doing so she said she was gonna go meet these people i've got to cancel it. That's mad. Yeah. I get a lot of people messaging me about having a pint before the show. Right. Have you ever done it? Would you ever do it? No, I like to catch up after and chat after. But before, I'm so nervous and anxious. What's your post-show etiquette? I have a chat with people. If people are there, I'll spend time chatting to them and have a bit of a laugh with them.

Do you know the difficulty I have, right? And this is the reason why a lot of people think I'm an arsehole. Or like members of the public think I'm not that approachable. Which, you know, I would say it's a fair assessment that I'm not as approachable as you are. No, no, I think you're kicking yourself there. You're a very approachable guy. I think you're very sweet.

No, but I mean, I give the impression... If I'm honest with you, I mean, I like to think of being one of your best friends. Sometimes I don't know where I stand with you if I'm in a two-way conversation. Yeah, I mean, this is an ongoing problem that I have. So basically, my default setting is just looking deeply unimpressed, which I can't help. Okay? So it's led to a number of issues.

One, people that I'm even very close to, not knowing if I'm enjoying their company or not, okay, which is horrible. The other thing is, when Lisa and I first went on holiday, three days into the holiday, she asked me if I was enjoying it, because it's very difficult to tell. That was in, like, the first flushes of, like,

it's not even when it's, like, dead, and you're just waiting for the end. I'm talking about, like, the early bit, when you're trying to impress each other. And then, also, the other problem I have is that TV producers say that when they're pitching ideas to me, I look like I hate it so much that they lose confidence. You know what I've noticed you do right, is you try now, like when me and you've been talking about a very exciting project that we're working on

and when I when I chat to you about it, I notice that you add a little bit of sass just because you know that that's your default settings so you add a little bit on the phone or you add a little bit of like i'll be going oh yeah it's really exciting isn't it and then you'll go oh yeah fucking hell in it you add a little bit of vibrance yeah because i'm trying to correct a fault in mine but obviously that makes again tom you're going to go two-footed in on somebody that's just trying to correct a fault in mine. But obviously that makes, again, Tom, you're going to go two-footed in on somebody that's just trying to improve themselves. No, no, no, no.

And I adore it about you. I think it's very cute. That doesn't sound like you adored it. Sounds like having a right old giggle. I'm eager about everything. I'm the opposite scale. We've talked about it, but I'm eager about everything, which is worse.

Like, I've ended up going to people's house for dinner that I don't know because I look so eager and I wanted people to like me. So, yeah, we're two very different... You've gone to dinner at someone's house that you don't know? Well, not dinner at their houses, but I've gone out for drinks with them afterwards, yeah. Right. My big fear of that, because whenever people think I'm being unapproachable

or I'm not being friendly or whatever, it's because I would say nine times out of ten it's because of my insecurity right or because of my my because i'm worried about talking to people now after a show this is genuine right after a show you've i've spoken to you after tour shows right i never think it's gone particularly well right or there'll be a bit that I've done wrong that I'm focusing on or there's a bit of the show that I don't think is good enough and blah blah blah so I'll be reflecting on that what I get really nervous about

is that I'm going to go outside and I'm going to meet up with some people and they're going to tell me the thing that they didn't like about the show that I also know is the problem with the show and then I'm going to spiral so actually I just get really nervous the thing that they didn't like about the show that I also know is the problem with the show, and then I'm going to spiral. Do you know what I mean? So actually, I just get really nervous that...

This is my thing. I, nine times out of ten, think I'm going to come outside, someone's going to go to me. That wasn't very good, was it? I've just come out to wait for you to tell you that. I don't think... No, I don't think they would either, but it's a deep set... Yeah, I get that. Well, you don't, do you? You organise a drink up deep set, you know, like it's one of those pocket knife things. Yeah, I get that.

Well, you don't, do you? You organise a drink up afterwards and you're so confident in what you're doing. It's not confident. I worry more than you do.

I'm less seasoned. Mate, I'm the rookie here. Mate, I'm like Colin Farrell in, I can't remember what the film's called,

you know, the one when he's like the, the King's Speech. No, that's not Colin Farrell that's Colin Firth that's Colin Firth

I'd love to watch the king speech with Colin Farrell in the midst of it no I'm not Colin Farrell and you're like I think it's Robert DeVos like the old sort of

wise coach do you know what I mean yeah and I'm sort of like sort of you know this sort of edgy core upstart you're sort of

putting your arm around and stuff that's the second time you've made it you've done an example like that you know, this sort of edgy core upstart, you're sort of putting your arm around and stuff. Hmm. You've done, that's the second time you've made it. You've done an example like that. You also like to do, you sort of doubt,

the way you're talking is like, you've never done standup before in your life as well, by the way. You really are downplaying your experience on stage. I don't know. I've been about it. As if the first time we met wasn't at a gig. 15 years ago. And then the second and first time we met wasn't at a gig. 15 years ago.

And then the second and third time we met wasn't at a gig. And in fact, I knew you exclusively from gigging when we first met. But yeah, no, listen. This tour's the first time we've ever walked on stage. You really are a prodigious talent. Well, that's what the reality show that we're making as I go around the country you're basically

trying to create you're trying to create this kind of this story this narrative that your stand-up's messy as soon as you picked up the microphone

this guy sorry are you saying this guy's never done it before Ian McKellen doing the VO of my reality show that comes out

at the end of the tour it's week it's week one, and Tom Davis has never been on stage. I'm worried if I'm honest with you, Ron. I'm really, really worried. Listen, you've got this. Go for it. Be you.

It's nerve-wracking, as Tom is about to step on stage with a microphone for the first ever time. I think he's got it. I think he can do it sometimes i don't think i'm needed on this i i think we we've we've set up my character you could just spend the rest of the episodes just roasting the fuck out of me but let me let me reiterate you're the nice one.

You know what? I got hoodwinked two weeks ago. Actually, about a week and a half ago. Go on, tell me. So me and Catherine went to, you know those little, like a bougie sort of high street sort of farmer's market? Yeah, yeah. We took Grace out for breakfast, and after breakfast, there was a little fucking farmer's market thing.

What did you out for breakfast, and after breakfast, there was a little fucking farmer's market thing. What did you have for breakfast? I had a full English caffeinated Mediterranean stroke vegetarian breakfast, and Grace had some pancakes. I mean, Grace had like half a pancake, and I ate the rest, so I had a fry and some pancakes. But afterwards, we were like, oh, the farmer's market. Sorry to interrupt again, but do you do this? I can imagine you're the sort of person who orders your breakfast and then you order, you're very excited about what Grace is ordering

because you know that leftovers are on the cards. And then as you're watching your eat, you just sort of constantly go, you full up, you full yet, you full yet. You can't eat any more of that. You full, darling. Oh, but we don't have too much sugar, do we? Let daddy throw himself on the, let daddy bear the brunt of that that. You're free, darling. Oh, but we don't have too much sugar, do we? Let Daddy fry himself on the... Let Daddy bear the brunt of that horrible sugar grenade for you, darling.

Don't worry, I've got you. This is tragic. When I order sometimes, I'll go, we'll just get the pancakes for the little one, and the woman's like, oh, so do you just want some fruits and yoghurt? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but actually, we wouldn't be averse to a little bit of bacon and some maple syrup just on the side as well.

Actually, if we make be averse to a little bit of bacon and some maple syrup just on the side as well actually if we make her a little stack and then make her like a bigger stack that sort of she can have if she wants but I could also have she likes to have

a second larger stack for security she gets nervous with sort of bacon syrup maybe a bit of Nutella banana I tell you what

why don't you just bring out all of the toppings and I'll sort of she likes to do it like a make your own thing. So yeah, yeah. Yeah, leave that there, yeah. She wants to be a chef when she gets older. So we finished breakfast

and then we go into, like walking around this farmer's market, right? And as we're bowling, man, we get to a stall and the guy's like selling this mushroom powder stuff. Have you tried this? No. Oh, okay.

So I'm awful. Some of the shit that I've brought, we've got a cupboard full of stuff that I've brought from these sorts of things. And Catherine rinses me. I brought recently, probably about two years ago, I brought some stuff that is the best glasses. This guy was like,

this is the best glasses cleaner you'll ever buy. It's incredible. Realize that hot water is essentially the best thing to clean your glasses. And he went, if you buy this stuff, your glasses will never get dirty again. And I, being Catherine and a lot brighter than me, said, well, surely you don't need a whole pot of it

because if they never get dirty again you know he could use it once and I you know and the guy was like yes but you know

obviously it's best to have just in case I buy it I've used it twice it smears your glasses all the gunk gets in the sort of like fixing

it's terrible stuff but I still I've still kept it I get I'm easily seduced by snake oilman do you want me i'm like yeah if they see me they go oh this guy's a fucking target so i started chatting to this guy about mushroom uh powder and he tells me he's like oh yeah if you have a teaspoon of this in your coffee in the morning like it will basically your clarity of

thought it completely gets rid of anxiety which is we both know is you know anxious is that something i have and i was like oh wow he literally sells it to me he goes through sort of three or four of the biggest problems i have throughout a day weight loss this this stuff is the stuff right so i buy there's like different things that you know one's for anxiety one's for sort of energy so i buy there's like different things that you know one's for anxiety one's for sort of energy to do so i buy three there's different types of yeah mushroom powder okay so he's like yeah put a teaspoon in your coffee so i buy three of these different things right and get home and i'm very excited about this so genuinely to the point of like a kid at christmas i'm so buzzing for the

next morning when i wake up from my coffee and I can put this mushroom powder in. So what I do the next morning is I put three teaspoons of mushroom powder, one of each of the ones that I've brought into my coffee. And then for the rest of the day, arguably have the worst diarrhea I've ever had. Because as Catherine then said, I think probably what he meant is you only have one teaspoon,

so you'd have like enough of these which one you want what you don't want is you you don't want a 50 50 t mushroom ratio no and then my sister who's a nutritionist was like it's one of the highest condensed amount basically it's a diuretic right i honestly want like now i've not i've now they've just been putting a couple of other shit on every use because I'm like, I can't take that risk. Lucky enough, I was working at home this day. Did you notice any benefits? No, literally, weight loss-wise, yeah, because I went for 10 shits within about an hour and a half.

I was in absolute pieces. Like, this is how bad it was, right? I had to work in our spare room with the en suite as near to a toilet as I possibly could be. Because every time I came out of the toilet, I'd sit down, start work again, and then be up and running back. Yeah. And I was cursing this guy.

Absolute curse. Did you consider going back there? Well, he's only here once a month. Right. So I've got to wait now for him to go back and then come back and say, look, you should have explained this better, mate. Well, let's hope he's not a Wolf and Alpha and I imagine he won't turn up.

No. But you know what as well, right? When he was discussing the mushroom powder, as soon as someone started, why don't I have a conversation with someone like that? I straight away want to be their friend because I was like, this guy's very, very cool. He seems like he's got his shit together.

He was like, I have, you know, I think one's called a lion's mane. I have the lion's mane in the morning. Yeah, lion's mane is going to be good. So I have a bit of lion's mane. Then I have a bit of whatever, like the regionally one or whatever. And then I'll just, you know, experiment. I'll do different things.

And he was so cool and I was like oh man in my head I thought I'm going to be honest with you the description of what he's doing leading to your assessment that he's cool

and he's got all his shit together I'm finding it very difficult to put it together he just had an aura he had this really cool I've never a man said to you I have a bit of lion's mane

in the morning and you went oh this guy's kind of aspirational role model I'll be looking for all my life. He had the coolest flask I've ever seen, right? Okay, again, again. Right, he had this really cool flask that looked like that for the future.

What was so cool about the flask? Well, it was basically, right, it was all metal, and it had like a leather bounding around sort of where you'd hold it so your hand doesn't get burned right but it had like a couple of little gadgety things coming off of it like for different heat temperatures i think i don't know i but i didn't ask because i didn't want to look stupid but he clearly thought i was stupid anyway the way he upsold me every of the yen on his store but um yeah he was yeah the way he did it he was just like oh

would you like to try some he had this chocolate drink which was a hundred percent cacao and he was like and he made me one of them but the way he used this this flask it was like you know when you first saw like back to the future you really you really you really have been hoodwinked by this i mean like you've been transfixed by this guy haven't you yeah he's made you he's made you a hot chocolate

which by the way 100% cacao I know knowing what you what I know about you is absolutely the worst type of chocolate you could possibly have

right what's that because because you've got such a sweet tooth your favourite chocolate is like 3% cocoa solids so this

this guy this guy's peddling. What's it? The Cadbury's one with jelly beans in it is my favourite. Yeah. I like white chocolate where they've got like M&Ms running through it. And when it's got like hundreds of thousands on the top. That's what I really feel. If you're a chocolate lover, that's the one you go for.

So you tried this cacao, 100% cacao 100 cacao hot chocolate did you enjoy it i'm gonna throw myself under the bus here because this i'll give right so oh man this is so bad he basically turns around and he goes um do you want to try some of this 100 cacao drink and i'm like oh yeah yeah oh of course you're gonna have something that so he pulls me and k'm like, oh yeah, of course you're going to have something like that. So he pulls me and Catherine a little shot each, right? And I take a sort of I swing mine back, Catherine sipping at hers. And as we're doing that

he's like, this will increase your energy, this will increase how your thought process your brain matter and all this stuff. And I finish my shot, I give him the cup back and he starts talking again about the thing Catherine's listening and I

generally turn around and go oh my god I feel I can feel the energy now I feel like right and Catherine looks at me and she just shakes her head and like sort of smirks laughs a little bit I can feel now I just feel like the release of it and he said um I don't think it will work that quickly.

I said, no, but I feel really like, and Catherine's like, oh, maybe you're just excited anyway. I said, no, but obviously it's, I've done, you know. So, sorry, let me just get it straight to him. The guy selling it to you has downplayed the effects of the product to you the person he's selling it to he's actually gone listen i don't mind mugging these people off

and selling them three kilos of powdered mushroom but this guy's taking it too far now so i'm gonna throw some of that in the bag as well right um did you buy that did you buy the hot chocolate as well yeah i've got a hook as we walked away catherine went that was so embarrassing when you said about the you you said about how you could feel the effects of the hot chocolate she went why do you just she said you should have just walked away and let me do it it because you get so into it. Look, this guy, I would say, right, he had the most crystal blue eyes that I've ever seen and grey hair. Oh, my God. He's like... You're like fucking Jack coming home with a bag of magic beans.

No, but I'm... Like, genuinely, we had this bag of just stuff and now I'm just looking, I think... I don't know if I can go back in on the mushrooms because I can't feel like that again. I might have them before holiday if I want to drop a bit of weight and know that I can get them if I'm at home for two days. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice.

Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola, with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today.

Only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor? Knorr has got you. Our new Knorr rice cups deliver all the taste without the prep or wait time. We're talking yummy, creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious, moreorish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes it's not cup food it's good food in a cup visit canora.com to learn more this episode is brought to you by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum parabens dyes dyes, talc, and baking soda.

It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. or Shoppers Drug Mart today. I want to make you feel a bit better, so I'm going to make a couple of admissions now, right? Because I know that you've actually prostrated yourself at the feet of the podcast here, to be honest about you.

So two things. One, every time I go to one of those markets, I buy a load of chutneys and relishes that I'm never going to eat. Oh, mate, don't even start. I mean, it's, you know, there'd be some weird combination like orange and dandelion.

And then in the- Orange and dandelion, I'll tell you, but like, we've got like a chili and elderflower one that's disgusting. Chili and elderflower i've also bought you know if you basically if if you add chili to anything it turns out i will buy it if this is me i've got like a chili and dog shit chutney here i know it doesn't sound appealing but the chili just undercuts the kind of disgustingness of the dog shit i'll go yeah do you know what

actually sits quite i can imagine that on a breadstick or something it's quite tacky in your mouth but I like that yeah and then if they say to me we've got the it's the last jar a hundred it doesn't matter

how big that is mate oh just quickly the mushroom guy did that he went this is my last jar and also can I just say one of the jars of mushrooms had at least a third of it missing

oh god you bought a second hand jar of fucking mushroom powder. Oh, my God. Fucking hell, it's so bleak. Go on, my God. Fucking hell, it's so bleak. Go on. Go on, my friend. Also, I have in the last week gone from a position of being somebody

that wanted to do more walking to somebody that's now bought an electric scooter. You've bought an electric scooter? Yeah, it's not arrived yet. I ordered it. I managed to get myself into a spiral of online research and then got to the point where I convinced myself that I should get an electric scooter.

Hold on, so are you using it for town or are you using it for home? No, town. Oh, my God. So when you say an electric scooter, you stand on it? Yeah. Are you going to wear a helmet with it? Well, that's what I wanted to... I mean, you have to legally, don't you? Yeah that's what I wanted to I mean I need you have to legally don't you

yeah also I just think just for your own image and also to avoid dying as well do you know what I mean yeah avoid dying but also because other people will see you on it

and I don't know so you can you go on the roads and stuff with it why do you look so I feel like I've gone too far it's like you know like when somebody's gone oh isn't it annoying you've got a bogey in your nose and then I've gone isn't it It's like when somebody's gone, oh, isn't it annoying

when you've got a bogey in your nose? And then I've gone, isn't it annoying when you get your dick out and start wanking in a meeting? No, I just think it's a big move, the electric scooter. I know.

Shall I just return? Yeah, I'm going to say, I felt pretty fucking pathetic about spending fucking 45 quid on some shitty old mushroom powder. You've got to throw in a couple of bags of sand that fucking electric... Because I know you,

it won't be like any else. It'll be quite a high-end one, I can imagine. Do you know what's incredible to me is that you don't think it's a big reveal that it was 45 quid for the mushroom powder. And the cocoa, and the cacao. Oh, and the cacao, the cacao and the coke

yeah well essentially I actually would have rather that was the transaction to be honest with you you bought some coke from a guy

with a leather flask at a farmer's market he probably had some so hold up so you've got an electric scooter now that you're going to wash around town

it's not come yet how are you going to get it into London it folds up right and it's very light so you're going to get it into London? It folds up. Right. And it's very light. So you're going to get on the train with it? Yeah.

You think this is a big mistake, don't you? No, I just know you. You know people are going to stop you as you go past or cheer at you as you go past? No, they won't. They're not going to... No, they're not. Unless you've got a visor like a member of Mars Crusaders. Yeah. Unless you've got a visor like a member of Mars Crusaders.

Yeah. Unless you've got a visor like that so people can't see your whole face. Has it got different speeds? Yeah. Okay. I went down a rabbit hole once of getting obsessed with buying an electric bike to get around London. And I just thought, oh, no, there's a tube.

And also, I enjoy walking. Right. Yeah, those two things are also true for me, but for some reason I still went in and bought the thing. So, because walking around London's my favourite thing. Same, same. And in fact, just recently I realised that I don't need to use a tube anymore. Like, I would rather factor in the extra time and do the walk.

If it's less than an hour and a half, I'm walking. I love a walk and talk. It's one of the best things to do in London. You go for a chat with your mate, you have a stroll. Yeah, obviously, if I was with you and we were at a meeting together, I wouldn't go, right, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'll meet you there and then I'll see you at the pub and then head off on the scooter and walk with you.

Because I was the only kid up until I was about 14 unable to ride a bike because I couldn't get the hang of it, right? So my mates used to ride a bike and I'd run alongside them, right?

Yeah, but maybe I'd give you, maybe I'd give you a back here you could sit on the handlebars like I do. Mate, that would break your scooter. There's not a scooter

that's, I'm still getting over the fact that when I, that's one of the reasons I've lost weight, is so I can get a Peloton. How pathetic is that? What do you mean? Hold on, what do you mean?

When I spoke to the Peloton salesman, right, he said to me... I was chatting, he went, how much do you weigh? And at the time, it was like 21 and a half stone. Right. And he was like, the max limit on this is about 19 stone.

So you're too heavy to get fit, essentially. So I'm working to get fit enough that I can actually get even fit. How much do you weigh now? I'm just at the top end of 19. Bottom end of 19. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you.

So I'm getting close to the fact that I can actually use a peloton. But I don't know. Because of scooter, you've got no reinforcement, right? It's like a skateboard. No. Because of scooter, you've got no reinforcement, right? It's like a skateboard. No.

And, you know, to give you some sort of context, we got Charlie a couple of years ago, like a little hoverboard thing. And it's like you sit on it, and it's got like an attachment that you put on it so you can ride it like a little kind of, you know, like a little go-kart thing. And he said, do you want to go on it, Dad? And I said, yeah, sure.

And it lasted 10 seconds, and it smashed to pieces under my weight and kind of the way that I on it dad and I said yeah sure and it lasted 10 seconds and it smashed to pieces under my weight and kind of the way that I controlled it what I would say is I worry I'm genuinely a little bit worried as well

because I like scooter wise London traffic and London drivers so what do you go in the bike lane on it it's not arrived yet so I don't know

but I mean from my research well you said you've done all this research I'm worried now don't go on the big roads with it no you go on the cycle lane or whatever yeah don't go around the north circular and stuff like that no i'm not gonna go i'm not gonna travel to london from crawley on the fucking east go hasn't got the range i looked so so it would just be for

a trip say like you've got to come to my office yeah your office yeah your flow yeah okay have you got like um knee pads and stuff in case you fall off no i haven't got i think i'm just gonna send this thing back man i can't i i as we've talked about it i wish i'd had this conversation before i pulled the trigger on the purchase but have you told the swan that you're getting it or no she doesn't know nobody knows you're the firstan that you're getting it? No, she doesn't know. Nobody knows. You're the first person I'm telling. Wow. Yeah. And then I'm going to find out if she actually does listen to this,

if she comes and gives me a massive bollocking. Yeah, by the scooter. Yeah. I mean, I took my medicine and my mushrooms at the same time, and I took the licking then. And actually, sort of, yeah. And every time, like now, since... Basically, when people have, like...

My mum and dad came round the house, Catherine just brings out the mushrooms and makes a joke about it. Sort of, yeah. And every time, like now, since... Basically, when people have, like, my mum and dad came round the house, Catherine just brings out the mushrooms and makes a joke about it. Sort of, yeah. I mean, if you... I could bring some of the mushroom powder to you and you can have it if you want. Yeah, if I fancy having a clear out, yeah.

I'll have three grams of the Lion's Mane and then write the weekend off. All right, Tom, we're at the end of the episode here uh and uh i'm very sorry about the internet issues it turns out i sort of tried to blame it on you but it turns out based on the fact i've moved to him with better internet clearly was my fault it's difficult for you because what i'm realizing is your internet's doing a lot of hard work, heavy lifting because the house is like this castle you're in. It's quite difficult to find the perfect sweet spot, isn't it? Yeah, well I wish

I could banter you back, but as I said, I've never seen your house. And in fact, you were so keen for me not to see the house that for the first couple of weeks that you were doing this, you'd blur the background, so I had no idea what your house looked like. No, that was because there was no... I mean, I'm still waiting to put stuff up. Yeah, yeah.

Yours is like so... What is that? Sorry, Tom, can I just ask a quick question before we go? What is that picture by the door, sort of leaning against the wall? It looks like it's a picture of you. It is a picture of me. It's a painting of me

that David James, the England goalkeeper, did. The England goalkeeper, David James, did a painting of me that David James the England goalkeeper did the England goalkeeper David James did a painting of you yeah how come he did it from when we did subgrade

why the fuck have we been talking about mushroom powder how has that happened so basically after subgrade me and DJ David James

one of the nicest guys I've ever met really hit it off we got on well he's an absolute gentleman of a man and he got in touch he texted me and said oh look big guys I've ever met. Really hit it off. We got on well. He's an absolute gentleman of a man. And he got in touch.

He texted me and said, oh, look, big man, I've done a painting of you. I hope you don't mind. He sent me your address and he sent it to me. That's really... I've got to get framed. But yeah. It's a pretty amazing thing. Yeah.

And actually, it makes me look a lot more heroic than I actually am. If you look at that picture, it looks like I'm playing a really big football match. Not... Yeah. Not a celebrity match. if you look at that picture it looks like I'm playing in a really big football match not you know not a celebrity match shout out shout out David James

that's a really lovely he is an incredible human being I've got to say David James I actually yeah he's a really cool guy now listen Tom

do you think it's the worst episode we've ever done I think it's in the top five of shittiest ones we've ever done yeah and most of that is down to my fault no no I think it's been a mixture of both of us I think it's in the top five of shit ones we've ever done yeah yeah yeah and that and most of that is down to my fault no i think i think it's been a mixture of both of us i think it's been i think you realize the heavy lifting that the listeners do with their emails um yeah

i think what we've realized is we we got a little bit cocky and we thought you know we don't need any we don't even need the base the little bit of format that we've got we don't even need that we're just going to chat and it turns out it's barely worth recording i imagine when we when we send this to jt there'll be some sort of internet block that says actually data is is a precious resource and we've had a quick skim and it's it's not actually worth sending through the ether right shall I shall I ice this shit cake with some more crap

yo Martin was an orange an orange that sat in a fruit bowl time after time after time he watched the other fruit get picked up was an orange. An orange that sat in a fruit bowl. Time after time after time, he watched the other fruit get picked up. To the point where Martin the Orange thought that maybe he'd never be eaten,

nay drunk himself. And as time progressed and he watched other fruit just get eaten and scoffed and enjoyed, he thought, what will become my ending? Will I be juiced? Will I be eaten? Actually, this is going really, really badly, isn't it? I don't even know what this is.

No, I can't get it. I mean, you're pretending like you've known what the ending is for every other one of these you've done. One cold morning. I say you paint yourself into a corner and make it a fucking orange. Yeah, no, yeah, it's completely fucked me with the orange thing. One cold morning, as Martin sat around,

he realised that he was alone, the sole piece of fruit in what was quite a large bowl. And the owner-stroke-purchaser of this said orange came down. And he peered into the bowl and gave a little sigh and realised there was only one orange. he put it martin in his juicer machine and as we all know with oranges you need three or four to make a decent glass of juice and only a trickle of martin's juice came through and the owner looked here slightly disappointed and then quaffed it back in one mouthful. And he smiled because the juice that came from Martin

was sweet and beautiful, and he'd kept him in there long enough to make sure that he had become the perfect state of an orange. And the guy just looked and thought, wow, that orange called Martin was delicious. I wish there was more of it. I guess the moral of the story is this. Sometimes you can be waiting around for a long, long time for your chance to come.

Sometimes it's easier to look around at other people getting their moment in the sun. Sometimes you just feel that maybe no one's listening no one can hear and no one really wants to to spend any time with you but the truth is this when the lucky lady of fate stares upon you and you get your moment in the sun it's always worth just trying your hardest giving the best version of yourself you possibly can making sure that you greet people with a smile just thinking you know what hopefully when i leave this conversation the person will say you know what very much like martin the orange that juice was really worth the squeeze fucking hell that was uh yeah yeah that but you know what i in keeping with the rest of the episode,

that might be my least favourite one of those I've ever done. JT, can you play us out with a new song by Cassie's Dead? It's this new song called Matt Gray Rap, which I really love. It's a beautiful tune. Guys, we'll see you next time. Take care of yourselves. We're really sorry what's really exciting

is we're just literally going straight to another episode and by the way if you enjoyed that please make sure you come to the lot if you'd like to see that but have paid for it please do come to our

please do come to our show for the 2nd of November at the Apollo alright peace out. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Cyprus. Stopped off at the off-license. Come on, nigga, just off-license. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. Thank you.