Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 69: Friday Bonus & A Sleep Story
Episode Date: September 29, 2023It’s bonus time again! And this week we tackle email questions about which wrist to wear a watch on (WARNING: this topic is not as innocent as it may sound), going to stand-up gigs on your own, a fr...audulent boss, experimenting with ASMR and a Wolf and Owl Sleep Story. For questions or comments please email us at wolfowlpod@gmail.com - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: HELLO@KEEPITLIGHTMEDIA.COM Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Yeah.
Yeah, what you want?
Beak or jaws?
Feathers or fur?
Sharp teeth or feet with claws?
Whatever's preferred
They'll grant you all last
Request to steady your nerves
Then podcast the body parts
Get severed and served
Bring your weak shit
Wear the wolf and owler
That ain't just a mistake
That's an awful howler
Both of them are known
To pull up at your shows
Have the crowd witnessing a murder
Like they rolled in with a gang of crows
Fuck the censorship
Let them see the whole thing
They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing
Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon
You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff and a
Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping
Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning
Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men
Dressed up as a bird and a dog
Welcome to the bonus episode of the, well for now Your bonus year Two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog another incredible bonus episode. It's going to be so good. Wowza, wowza.
Monsieur Tacharazer.
Wow, that's a hell of a start.
Should we get straight into some emails, Tomo?
Let's do it.
I love emails.
You know what I love more than emails?
I love you.
I love the listeners.
And I just love breathing, brother.
Okay, that's great. um okay so this is the
first thing you really are on a nice vibe aren't you yeah i've got a nice vibe uh once again
apologies guys i'm having to record on the laptop mic because um it sounds nice man your voice sounds
nice there's a sort of nice reserve in the place also Also, I like that colour on you. I like that T-shirt colour on you.
It's nice.
Do you think so?
Do you iron your T-shirts, Tom?
No.
How do you store them so they don't get all wrinkly?
I usually hang them up.
Roll or hang.
And also, yeah, but then, yeah,
sometimes before a show recently,
I've noticed I'm going out on stage
because I've had to have my T-shirt in a bag
for the first 10, 15 minutes
before I start really just sweating profusely that I'm in a bit of a crinkled sort of t-shirt in a bag for the first 10-15 minutes before i start really like just sweating profusely that i'm in a bit of a crinkled sort of like yeah i really don't like a crinkled
t-shirt this t-shirt is very crinkled anyway uh yeah i agree with you listener poor start okay
this is from the left wrist llama wow the left wrist llama is that an animal left wrist llama no
no i think the email will clear this up okay um
i'm just wondering whether you wear your watch on the wrist that you use to wipe your bum
growing up i always wore watches on my right but now i'm older i find it gross to take my watch
down to those depths i'm a sit down wiper so i force myself to make the switch to wearing on
my left retiring my watch to paper retrieval duty, so to speak. Which side do you lean towards?
Love and best wishes,
the left wrist llama.
Tom?
I don't know if we discussed this before.
Are you a sit down wiper?
I do both.
I do both.
For me, it's a bit like dinner.
Well, like, you know,
I'll start sitting down.
What a disgusting thing to say.
I'll start sitting down, right?
And then I'll usually
progress this to sort of like
you know
actually it's more like
you know
like a car wash
like
so
I'll do the first bit
when I'm sitting down
right
and then I'll sort of like
always sort of like
you know
like a two three sheet
sort of like
make sure when I'm standing up
because that's
the trouble is
you're going to do
a lot of walking and stuff
and actually sometimes you can miss a bit here and there I'll tell you because that's the trouble is you're going to do a lot of walking and stuff and actually
sometimes you can
miss a bit here and there
I'll tell you this as well
Jesus Christ
this is
this is
this is something for you
by the way
yeah
I got caught out
like
in our house
I got caught out
in the worst scenario
where we had people around
I can't believe
I'm telling this.
And I whizzed upstairs to go to the bathroom,
and there was no toilet paper in the said bathroom.
And we keep our toilet paper in the downstairs toilet.
So I had to come downstairs.
Oh, God.
It was so awful.
And as I came down, one of the people around was like you're right and start
chatting and i couldn't yeah and then i'm like right yeah cool so i'd launch sequence been
initiated yeah mate yeah yeah yeah i'd finished the job like you've done it yeah i'd literally
ran upstairs so you stood there having a chat with an unwiped arse? There was like two little,
I had two sheets left on the roll that was in my bathroom.
Right?
So it was like some of the fire had been put out,
but yeah,
there was still a blaze.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah,
of course.
Horrible,
smelly blaze.
So I'm there standing and the person just wouldn't go back.
It like,
he was like,
he was just having a conversation with me at the bottom of my stairs.
All I can think is I need to get in there and get a toilet roll
yeah i can't you know and he thinks i've already done the mission yeah yeah that's that's horrific
i uh i tend to only take a when i know i'm about to take a shower really yeah because your
your legacy of like not shifting or pissing anywhere that's not your house has
become well i don't i don't mind i'll piss anywhere but shitting i tend to only really
want to do it my house which is uh tricky although i've done it for so long that my body now sort of
knows that um i mean if i'm at a hotel i probably would i would say this as well actually about
shitting out i don't know if you have this situation in uh at my office um
we have uh now we have like unisex toilets now right so they're like single toilets but they're
all unisex so yeah i find that really unnerving like i don't mind if if you're following me into
the toilet after i've dropped a cable all right but i do, but if I was to follow you in there,
but I feel really bad
if I come out of the bathroom
and then there's a lady standing there.
Like,
I feel really bad.
Why is that,
do you think?
Well,
I don't know.
Because you're not trying to attract,
you're not trying to attract.
It's not an attractive thing.
I just feel bad.
I was feeling like,
you've got to go in there now.
And I know how bad it's,
I've just left that.
Yeah.
I don't have that situation because i would
never be i would never shit in an office toilet you know how bad it is to carry a shit around in
your stomach really bad for you well i'm probably going to die early but i'd rather live that because
you've got toxins in you and those toxins yeah but i'm not look to be clear i'm not walking
i've now got to a stage now where my body is like, oh, you're out, don't have a shit.
Like, I don't...
Yeah, but the shit's still in you.
It's like the shit's not disappearing.
The shit's then...
And all those toxins...
I read a thing the other day that 90% of headaches
are from people who need shits.
Well, I don't get headaches.
First of all, I'd say you've just made that up.
I've made the figure up, but a lot of headaches come from
like and if you feel sluggish and you feel a little bit down that can be because you need a
shit yeah okay like if you think about your stomach right it's the bins it's a refuge right
if you let those bins fucking grow all of a sudden you live in a dump hole yeah i get i get it yeah
yes and i do live with the ongoing fear that shit will start coming out of my mouth where it's sort of the overflow.
But thankfully, I've got a podcast to deliver that all on.
But I don't ever feel like...
I'm not walking around desperate.
I mean, look, the truth is, it has happened.
I don't want you to think that if I really needed a shit,
I wouldn't take one.
I would.
But it's rare.
Very rare.
How often?
Say, a week or a month no a week no really i i would
say i go months without shitting anywhere apart from the house because i will unless i'm traveling
do you mean i mean i went to africa for three weeks recently i didn't think this is going to
be an absolute nightmare what the other thing that happened is i went to the arctic for a travel show yeah and we were
camping out on the ice and the toilet was a toilet seat attached to a bin bag and we were staying
there for i think two nights or three nights and i looked at that bin bag and i was like i'm not
shitting for the next three days i used to do that every day on the scaffold yeah listen i'm
gonna fire that amongst another list a load of things called things about Tom
that don't surprise me
so the toilet
was a bin bag
I've told the story
on here about the
the bin bag toilet
with
where I lived in the flat
have I
it's just that
it's just
yeah you have yeah
just
that noise
no thank you
yeah it's pretty grim
it's pretty yeah
but also in answer to your question leperous llama if anybody's pretty grim it's pretty yeah but also
in answer to your
question left wrist
llama
if anybody's
disgusted it's
left wrist
llama's fault
for taking
down this
brown alley
but what I
would say is
I've always
wore my watch
on my left
wrist
so it's never
been
I wear mine
on my right
so that's
yeah
and you're
right with your
right
I work with
both hands.
What?
I work with both hands.
Not simultaneously.
No, not.
Is it that much of a job?
The two arm?
No,
but I'll go with my right
and then my left's got the next piece.
Like,
like literally like a writing kit,
wax on,
wax off type of vibe.
Well,
I'm hoping it's more wax off
than wax on.
My tip to you is,
is once you've used a bit of
tissue
just get rid of
that
yeah
yeah
yeah
thank you so much
Leferis Llama
for your email
okay next
I'm amazed that
Lisa chose that
email by the way
yeah
not that it's a
bad email but
no no no
but I think
Lisa's got a
cheeky little way
about it when it
comes to stuff
like this
this is from the stammering yeti okay No, no, no. But I think Lisa's got a cheeky little way about it when it comes to stuff like this.
This is from The Stammering Yeti.
OK.
OK.
It says,
Hello, Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat.
I've been lucky enough to meet Tom in a lift before his Chester warm-up gig.
Really decent fella.
Some prick and his wife got all giddy meeting Tom
and knocked my drink all over my shirt. Anyway, just a quick question to ask if you think it's okay to attend stand-up
on your own. That's a rollercoaster, that. Many thanks to Stammering Yeti. Do you...
I remember this chap. Yeah, he didn't... I don't think the knock-off of... I don't think
they knocked the drink down him when it was in the lift, But I certainly remember this chap was very lovely
and then two other people got in and they were very drunk
and they were very loud and sort of took over the whole lift really.
And I sort of felt a little bit for him as we departed the said lift.
And also I think it's a lovely thing to stand...
I think it's a nice thing to stand...
I think stand-up is actually an art form that you could set go on your own. I think it's a lovely thing to stand up. I think it's a nice thing to stand up. I think stand-up is actually an art form
that you could set go on your own.
I think it's quite nice.
I think there's a feeling in the room,
hopefully,
that people come together
and laugh at a mutual thing.
I think it's...
Yeah, I don't think there's anyone
we go to watch stand-up on your own.
What do you think?
I used to go quite a lot.
I didn't do it at all.
Listen, since I've become a comedian,
I do loads of shit on my own
that I didn't do before. So I used to find it mortifying to go to eat a meal on your own. I used to go quite a lot. Listen, since I became a comedian, I do loads of shit on my own that I didn't do before.
So I used to find it mortifying to go to eat a meal on your own.
I used to find it mortifying to go to the cinema on your own,
go to a gig on your own.
I would do all of those things now.
I've just got no problem.
I always go, when I do those things,
I always end up meeting people, like friends,
sort of like, you know, a stranger becomes a friend.
I've never...
No, I don't do that.
You really don't?
No.
You might have like a little chat with somebody. I'm not going to spend an evening with a stranger that's i'd say for quite a big
proportion of my facebook friends are people that i've met when i've been on my own somewhere
it just sets all my anxiety off when you talk like this yeah that was that was a big td that
sort of like i i just don't i
just don't i can't like even when i'm with friends like even when i'm with you he's one of my favorite
people in the world sometimes there's a thought that occurs to me it's like maybe tom's getting
fed up with me now maybe never ever ever ever well that's very kind of you to say you are one
of those people i would have tattooed upon my body just because sometimes when i'm not near
you or around you i actually miss your energy yeah that's very nice i've never i i think i could literally drink you in every day
and i'd never get bored of you well i find you about you i feel the same about you but
the fact of the matter is is my inner paranoia whenever i'm with anybody lisa the kids you
anyone anybody that i love even people that i love i think to myself oh have i
outstayed my welcome here in this so the idea the idea of being with a stranger and being worried
about not reading the cues to make an exit it terrifies me i i like this is the difference
between me and you though right yeah is i don't think you've ever done that because that runs through your head.
I think I've done that on multiple occasions.
I could tell you at least five occasions
with people that we mutually know
where I've definitely outstayed my welcome.
Really?
Yeah.
One of them was...
How do you know?
Because one of them was a mutual friend of both.
Some we both adore.
You want to say the name or we can be...
No, no, no.
I won't say the name just in case. But been through quite a sort of bad sort of point in
their relationship and split up with someone i met the i met this person bumped into them
someone ended up having a coffee with them and then they met some other friends who had come
around for sort of you know at the place we were in and they were clearly so i didn't realize the
situation that they sort of like their relationship had come to an end and then the people who came were lovely and
supportive and all of them were sitting around and at that very time i was hungry and i ordered
a pizza and no one around the table for this awful could quite believe that i was ordering
food because no one else had i ordered some pizza and some chips and chips. And then there was quite a deep conversation happening.
What I would say is,
regardless of the deep conversation,
ordering food when nobody else is,
is a big move.
You didn't even order some edamame beans
or something like that.
You ordered a fucking pizza and chips.
They're two shareables.
You can have some pizza.
It's a mess.
Anyway. How much of those things did you share well i offered them but
obviously no one wanted to eat because they were sort of in quite a deep conversation that
at this point was or even i i felt so sad because it was the crying any kind of clue
or genuinely wrong like you are joking right it actually got and i felt really really like this
is how sad i felt because this is one of the people i adore most this person is one of my
favorite people has always been incredible to me throughout my career is genuinely one of the
loveliest people in the industry and i then felt oh my god this is so sad to like this has happened
to this amazing person even when the pizza come out i didn't really feel like eating it but i still did but yeah yeah obviously because then i thought it's weirder if i sit here and not
eat yeah you can't order a pizza and just say it in all fairness to the person because the person
alongside being amazingly um lovely and someone we both adore is also probably the funny one of the
funniest people we both know so actually me ordering the peach and chips became the joke
around the table one of their friends
was genuinely
quite disgusted
about the fact that I did
I would say it's difficult
to look sympathetic
when you've got
a mouthful of pizza
yeah
and also
you know
what's that
oh man
it begins with N
that spicy stuff
I really feel for you
and you've got a stringy
bit of cheese
in your beard
what's that stuff
that begins with N
and it's like
people put it on pizzas I can't pronounce it ever it begins with um and it's like people put on pizzas i can't pronounce it
ever begins with n yeah it's like a sort of like paste that you put on pizzas and food now
begins with n n n n yeah i don't know what you're talking about it's like an italian sort of pizza
topping not parmesan what does it begin with, I'm not that dyslexic.
Okay, sorry.
Yo, that's it, Parmesan.
Yeah.
It's like a really, really spicy fucking...
Enduja?
Oh, yes, Enduja.
Okay, fine.
I'd never had Enduja before, right?
Right, right, right.
So this pizza I ordered had Endujaja on right yeah it was so spicy so then
i'm sitting there sweating as well it was like genuinely why are you fucking adding shit to it
no because no because i'm like sitting there and that was a moment in the context of what's going
on i mean do you mean like yeah yeah just hold on hold on to that anecdote about about what they did
we've got an N do jump
I've never tried it before
it was on the pizza
so it begins with N
oh it was already on the pizza
okay
so
and genuinely
it was a moment
we could see people
looking at them
going
has he ordered food
how long is he going to be here for
and then I sort of
yeah
it was yeah
it was just
a brutal situation
yeah
well I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you thought well look thank you I've never seen a person And then I sort of, yeah, it was just a brutal situation. Yeah.
Well, I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you thought.
Well, look, thank you, Stammering Yeti.
I've never seen a person say it's not.
Thank you so much for your email, Stammering Yeti.
The verdict from Tom and myself is it's absolutely more than okay to do that on your own.
Yeah.
And there are a lot of single tickets to many of my venues coming up.
I mean, that is a big bugbear, isn't it?
When people go,
I want to come to your show,
but there's only single tickets left.
And you sort of think,
it's quite annoying, isn't it?
I wish they were grouped together somehow.
But anyway.
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Good night, Mama.
Life's a trip.
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Oh, no.
I can't be out of ink.
Not now.
Mega tank.
Why do I do this to myself?
Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink?
Megatank.
Yes, it's a Canon megaphone.
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It's a Canon printer.
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Okay, next email.
Hi, Wolf and Al.
This is from The Robin.
Okay.
Batman's...
I was listening to this week's...
Actually, it's the first Robin, I think.
Yeah, it's Batman.
Yeah, I think it might be.
I think it might be, yeah.
Have we had Batman?
We haven't had a Batman.
No, not Batman.
No.
Hi, Wolf and Al.
I was listening to this week's episode,
thoroughly enjoyed as always,
and heard the Spotify advert
that you guys have recorded for 7up,
the one that we got some shit for,
for being...
In fact, I got a message on Instagram
saying,
your ad reads are so terrible,
I'd rather listen to a crying baby.
Wow.
Jesus.
Which I thought was quite harsh.
Not that I don't like the sound of a crying baby,
but I wouldn't choose to listen to it if I didn't have to.
I mean, I certainly wouldn't...
I want to know what's going on with, like, the ad reads.
Saying that they're just dead was the word that they used.
Dead ad reads.
Yeah, but then wouldn't we try to put a bit of energy in them?
Some people get annoyed with that.
Yeah, I mean, look, I'll be honest with you,
I thought we were doing it in the style to which people knew us for.
I mean, you know, like, that's kind of, I thought it was all right,
but obviously it's really upset this one person.
Well, you know what?
Next time we get an advert,
we'll really fucking throw some sparkle on it for you.
Yeah, for you, yeah.
I don't really want to reward that kind of criticism,
but yeah, okay, we could do, I suppose.
I was just interested in this week's episode.
I just wondered if anyone else has noticed
Tom's ASMR-ish tones in the advert.
It's a real contrast to his usual voice.
Perhaps if he ever needed to explore another avenue of work,
he could consider being an ASMRist, artist.
Do you know what ASMR is?
Yeah, I think I've seen it.
Is it when people make sounds with things?
Yeah, where they're like, I'm going to brush my teeth now,
and then they get really close to the microphone.
See,
this is the problem,
right?
I've gone into a place
when we're doing those adverts
of trying to be like an advert guy.
Yeah,
that's good.
Yeah,
but that's the whole point.
Maybe I should just be more myself,
but then,
you know.
Maybe.
Yeah,
it's,
people are making some serious money
from that ASMR,
ASMR,
right?
Yeah. Yeah, they are, yeah. My question to get some serious money from that ASMR, ASMR, right? Yeah.
Yeah, they are,
yeah.
My question to you
both, do either of
you enjoy ASMR or
something similar?
I discovered it
around 10 years ago
and there's only
little known weird
corner of YouTube.
Quickly became unable
to fall asleep without
it, but it's a shame
to tell you one.
I'm happy it's a
less weird thing to
talk about now.
Thank you for all
you do.
From the Robin,
so in answer to your question,
I did do ASMR about eight years ago,
seven years ago.
I did a show in America,
which you won't have seen because it flopped horribly.
What was it called?
It was called Just Another Immigrant.
I thought it was really good, that one.
It's one of my favourite shows you've done.
Well, listen, I'm going to be honest with you,
I don't often say this,
but I thought it was a really good show.
Yeah, it's one of my favorite things.
What channel?
What channel?
It was on Sky over here.
It was on Sky over here,
but it was on Showtime
in the US,
in the United States of America.
And in answer to your question,
was that my big break
in the States?
Well, I'm sitting in London now
doing this podcast,
so there you go.
That's that question answered.
But yeah, I did an ASMR. We had a go at ASMR with an ASMRtist.
It's me and my uncle Rags.
And we sort of like, we pretended to be doctors.
And like we're examining the person watching him,
sort of like, hello, I'm Dr. Romesh.
I'm going to examine you now.
I don't know why we insisted on whispering,
but I think you've got to be quiet because you're quite close to the mic. And then we're like, I'm going to examine you now. I don't know why we insisted on whispering, but I think you've got to be quiet because you're quite close to the mic.
And then we're like, I'm going to get my stethoscope.
So it's like you're commentating on what you're doing?
Yeah, and then we'd pick up instruments and stuff,
and apparently the sound of us picking up the instruments
was going to be nice or whatever.
So hold on, is it a sexual thing or is it like a...
That's what I thought, but no, it's not.
It's just people like the noises, but it's not. I don't think it a sexual thing or is it like a, that's what I thought, but no, it's not. It's just people like the noises,
but it's not,
I don't think it is.
Cause there's a guy on,
on Instagram who,
um,
I won't name,
but, and he sort of tries every,
like he's tried everything.
Like he's one of those people who sort of like can't pick,
you can't pick what his thing is.
You know,
one day he's doing cameos,
the next day he's doing fucking songs that you,
whatever.
Um,
and,
uh,
he's tried that and he's certainly very cumbersome when he's doing
it he'll like be eating something or something yeah he'll assume yeah eating is a is a thing yeah
yeah he was eating a really hot jacket potato the other day and he was like that as he was doing it
so i mean it's you it's weird because you're sounding quite disparaging about it but at the
same time you seem to be really familiar with all of his work.
I'm slightly obsessive, but yeah, yeah.
But yeah, there's like, I've never really got into it, I've got to say.
Right.
It's one of the few things where YouTube hasn't. I think with your voice, you could do it.
Really?
Yeah.
Is there a lot of, you know what I got a message from the other day
that actually meant a lot?
Someone was saying about doing like the
calm app and doing
like sleep stories
I was thinking
yeah I think it'd be
lovely that you
want to just do
just do like you
want just like a
quick just give me
like I listen to
the Matthew
McConaughey one
uh wander on calm
all the time
yeah well it's been
about three episodes
since you've mentioned
him so good yeah
tell me how was it
I listen to it all
the time I've never
got to the end of
the story
because his voice is so silky.
Yeah, I don't know if I've talked about this,
but there's Stephen Fry does this,
there's this YouTube story about him
doing a story about lavender.
And you never make it to the end of that story.
Yeah.
I'd certainly have Matthew McConaughey
rather than Stephen Fry.
No, sure.
I wasn't saying it was better.
I'm just sort of saying it was another thing.
So, yeah. so Sleep Story would
be like, um,
Ginny put herself into a
place where she couldn't relax.
She was at work
and she was scared. Scared
of maybe
the night's sleep that she was worried
about.
This is so...
Where is this going? about this is so where's this guy okay I'll be trying to get along because I went in Virginia I couldn't even so I
Trevor's favorite thing was his old tennis racket Michael everywhere he went
he'd take Michael the tennis racket see Michael was more than a tennis racket
Michael was also a spaghetti sieve
and also a guitar
Tom, Tom, Tom, this is awful
it's awful
your voice is fine
but now I'm thinking what the fuck is this guy's life
he's got to have no intrigue in it
all right really the matthew mcconaughey one's really interesting no but you've got to like
you're trying to relax people now i'm going oh why is he using his tennis racket for that
why is the tennis racket called michael
okay well so he's got no interesting bits in? Not no interesting bits, but the detail's got to be relaxing.
Okay, okay.
And you've got to go into the nearest amount of detail.
So if you're doing that, you go, his tennis racket was called Michael.
He called it Michael.
Oh, right.
After a friend of his that he met at a party many years ago.
They'd hit it off.
They didn't know each other when they first arrived at the bar.
Wow, your voice is good too. Maybe we should do like a...
Maybe we should do like a Wolfenau sleep story special,
like we could release five of them.
I think that's a great idea.
I think that's a great idea.
We should do that.
So it could be something like,
Mervyn Stutter was a silly old sod,
cheeky and vibrant,
yet careful and carefree.
He wore his hair in a comb-over
because he'd started balding years before,
and although his dank, greasy hair fell across his one ear,
and people often laughed at him,
he enjoyed the style,
and matched with his big, thick horn-rimmed glasses,
it gave him an identification of being a...
It gave him a name.
It gave...
It gave him a learned... It gave him a name. Yeah. of being a gay for my name because okay for the learning in my name yeah give a
learned appearance which Mervyn liked this is good this is that's really good
set with a tweed jacket with big gold buttons the Mervyn had sewn on himself
they found from a button shop at an old flea market several years before we
actually been looking for a new belt and some shoelaces.
Mervyn often wore...
And then you go like, there were suede patches on the elbow.
The elbows had become worn away.
Somebody else would have thrown away the jacket.
But Mervyn enjoyed it so much, he wanted to preserve its lifespan.
We should definitely do this.
Yeah, yeah.
Mervyn often wore a tie
but he couldn't do
a tie up
so it was in a half knot
and swaggered
somewhere around
his nipples.
Yeah, there you go.
That's good.
That's good shit.
I mean,
I would say
the word nipples
is slightly arousing
but...
Oh, you've got to be...
You can't be arousing at all?
I don't think so.
Yeah, okay.
As soon as you hear
the word nipples
I think, you know,
it's go time.
Yeah, yeah.
Even Mervyn Stutter's nipples. Yeah,, yeah. Even Mervyn Stutter's nipples.
Yeah, any nipples.
Mervyn Stutter's nipples were covered in hair.
Okay.
Shall we do one more email?
Let's do one more.
Right, yeah.
Okay.
This is from The Worried Walrus.
Okay.
And it says,
Dear Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat,
I've been in my job for 10 years and I love it.
I'm 35 and at a really good point in my life.
So he's 25 when he started his job.
Yeah, well done.
Quick maths.
I have two great kids, a wife I love very much,
and I'm doing pretty well in work.
However, in recent weeks, it's brought to my attention
that my boss has been committing fraud.
He's been paying a number of his staff overtime hours
without them actually doing the overtime.
I'm not talking a couple of hours a week.
I'm talking the last two years
equalling thousands of pounds.
After a brief add-up of the hours,
it's around 20 grand.
Wow.
Jesus Christ.
To make it worse,
I'm a civil servant
working for a government department.
If this comes to light,
there could be serious repercussions.
Fucking hell.
This is not the one to finish on, is it?
No, Jesus. And also, why are we the people he's coming in touch with
i know here's my dilemma my boss isn't actually a bad fella he has a wife and kids that's not the
member of staff who's committing fraud with i really don't want anyone to get hurt but i also
feel i can't sit on this information any advice would be amazing love everything you do you sweet
sweet souls dear god tom well firstly i need to to say that any advice we give to you,
I think you might have to sort the advice of someone
who might be a bit more learned than me
and the one I should have spent the last 20 minutes.
That's also true for all of the advice we give, really.
Look, it's a very difficult thing because, as as you say these are people with kids and children
and uh families and you know you get on with these people clearly and you know enjoy them
um but what i will say is this i think when it comes to something in question that you're talking
about where you know they're taking these sums of money
and they're going to get away they're getting away with it um as is the way when it comes to
these sorts of fraudulent criminal ways number one you're at some point always going to get caught
because that is the nature of fraud and someone at some point is going to and then it's you know
it will pipe down to who knew and who didn't um and also what you find in these sorts of
scenarios is that your boss and and the other person who's involved in this uh will become
probably more greedy the longer it goes on that they don't get caught they'll keep chance in their
arm and they'll push things because that's human nature and it's very difficult to go oh actually
we'll keep a lid on this just you
know we'll keep it exactly you know as this because in life something will come up where
one of them might need more money or whatever so um it's very yeah like i i suppose there's a
school of thought that you could just speak to them and say that this is a situation but then
that can just that could add a red flag and that or that could
that could put you in jeopardy of put you in sort of a very very awkward position with them um
yeah it's a really difficult one i'd say up there with the most difficult emails that
because you seem like you're a decent person you've got a family of your own and your principal
priority always has to be your family
and making sure that they're going to be looked after and they're right.
So, yeah, I mean, I'm genuinely at a bit of a loss of what to do here.
Yeah, I mean, first of all, can I just say thanks to The Swan
for selecting this email?
It's one that we're deeply, deeply, as you are with all emails as i said uh underqualified
to answer um if i was in your i can only tell you what i would do if i was in your situation
and that would be i would probably speak to them uh speak to your boss or speak to the
member of staff depending which one you know the best and try and get this sorted out um
but listen fraud's a crime so i don So I don't want to endorse not reporting
a crime. And if anything, I'm loathe to give you any advice at all, to be honest with you.
But look, what I would do, I would speak to the boss, if you know him, and just say,
look, this is something I've become aware of. But then when I say that to you, I think, oh, God,
then I think about if this was a movie
and maybe they'd find some way to frame you.
I don't know.
I don't know what the circumstances are.
You do that.
I do that quite a lot when I start thinking about things as movies.
Yeah, yeah.
I've watched too many movies.
I think what would happen.
Or like a Netflix documentary.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I guess what I'm saying is don't listen to us.
Yeah, like...
Maybe seek some advice elsewhere would be my...
I know that feels weird for a podcast that asks people to ask for advice,
but this is...
Look, my instincts are speak to your boss,
but my bigger instinct is speak to somebody that's actually...
A bit more qualified.
And also just make sure that yeah you're
okay yeah cover yourself yeah big love okay well yeah good luck well listen that was a heavier end
than we were anticipating yeah yeah but um guys i hope you enjoyed the bonus episode of the wolf
and al remember there's still a few tickets left for the Hammersmith Apollo show where
oh I didn't know that
okay
there's a couple left
I think
yeah there's a few left
yeah
so
single seats
yeah
but as you know
you can go on your own
to these
yeah because you know what
you're not on your own
never on your own
when you come and see
the War for Now
it's more than that
absolutely
you're part of the pack
yeah okay
absolutely right Tom
sort of got a bit too
eggy at the end there
but yes I echo the sentiments
take care of
yourselves guys
just shout out
so I'm coming to
the event on my
own and I need
some friendship
and what we'll try
and do is maybe
sort of like have
this sort of club
that get together
and it's more than
that it's more than
just being on your
own because you
have new friends
none of that will
happen none of that
will happen but you
will have a good
time hopefully
okay take care guys
see you soon
thank you
bye bye
if you have a problem
opinion
feedback
or anything at all
please email us
at wolfalpod
at gmail.com
that's
wolfalpod
at gmail.com
we'd love to hear from you
mainly
because we don't have
any content ideas
thank you