Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 71: Friday Bonus & An A.I. Email

Episode Date: October 6, 2023

First up - a bit of pod admin, some chat about nicknames, Rom’s rap with Verb T and Doc Brown, a potential school for Grace (featuring the Pythagorasaurus) and some back-pedalling from Tom on Mervyn Stutters. Then we answer emails about a parenting clash over a bowl haircut, our first question from A.I. and the acceptability of having a chamber pot in your bedroom. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's the girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? It's the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real who said that? the first o-men, only in theaters April 5th

yo yo what you want, beak or jaws feathers or fur, sharp teeth or feet with claws, whatever's preferred they'll grant you all last, request to steady your nerves then podcast the body parts, get severed and served, bring your weak, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler

Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Welcome, Friday, it's time for the Wolf and Al bonus episode. Bonus episode.

We've been told by JT they're not doing as well as the main ones but we're gonna keep doing them anyway they're definitely not doing well jt said it's because people don't know yet why would you not know i think as well as you've got to be more on sending the videos across to jt because Because he's... You're sending them like... Do you know what? I was waiting for this, okay? The video takes half an hour to upload. Sometimes I literally have to leave for work. You know what it could be, though?

That could be a little job for Lisa or Theo. Right, so Theo... I'm not getting... Listen, I'm not getting my... He's got... His belief in his father's job... If you get Theo to take your laptop to school... He's rock bottom, is it?

Yeah. And then he could do it from there. Okay. He doesn't have a laptop. Because what I'm... JT's probably about the nicest person I've ever met. He's a very sweet man. What I do in our little group that we've got,

I notice that he's getting more and more grieved with the fact that the videos are taking their time to come over. There's only one person that's getting aggrieved by that, Tom, and that's you. Bearing in mind that your involvement in this podcast is to wait for a Zoom link to be sent to you and then make me wait 15 minutes while you boot up the laptop for the first time of the week.

Bearing in mind that's what your requirement is on this podcast, you are pretty fucking high maintenance in terms of your demands. I'm like the Kim Kardashian of podcasts. Yeah, you really are. I want it all. Right, should we do some emails? Just quickly, you know, that's something I found that was really, really cool the other day. You know when you meet someone who's got a bit about them, right?

Yeah. I met a guy the other day uh for a friend he only calls people by the initial their initials what so he straight away like within 10 minutes of meeting meeting he's calling me td right and then like with other way you know he's like dr or whatever it's fuck it was a pretty amazing thing that he did like is that the end of the story no no no but i just thought actually something i might try and do and take forward because it's actually a pretty cool thing so i love it when someone's got like a little flex like that something a bit different well clara ampha you know clara ampha yeah i love clara yeah she's great she calls me r squared oh wow yeah wow that's actually probably the coolest that would be a cool rap name for you oh you've got a new rap coming out when's that coming out

first of all can you not say you've got a new rap coming out like you're my nana. I've guessed it on a chin. He's got one of those new raps coming out. He's got a rap. He's done a little rap. He's done a little rap. He's done a little rap with a couple of his pearls.

He's coming out. When's he coming out when's it coming out boy for Christmas now what you going for the Christmas now

I've done a shit rap on a tune with two actual decent rappers Doc Brown and Verb 2 Doc Brown's

incredible right yeah and actually I've not seen Doc for a while and you know he's one of those where you're

reminded of what a decent bloke somebody is. One of the best people in our business, genuinely. I fucking love that guy. Do you know the other thing about him is he gives the impression, because he's so cool, like he's just general, because, you know, he's sort of very understated and just sort of, he knows himself.

I would say he's almost the direct opposite of us in terms of he's comfortable in his own skin. And he might not be in reality, but he certainly does a fucking great job in conveying that impression you sort of think

he's not going to have a lot of time for you but what a fucking top bloke I love that dude I've known him for a long since we were sort of starting out

and he's one of my favourite people and just such a just a decent bloke and fucking so talented man so talented like actually he fucking so talented man so talented

so talented like actually he's so talented you want to sort of hate him but you can't you can't because he's such a nice guy

but he's an amazing oh my god this is pathetic have we become is this a bit has this gone a bit tragic is it I think it's

I think the tragedy started with me saying such a nice guy I think with me scumming having got to do rap and then it sort of slowly nosedived from there so hold up so you have you got Such a nice guy. I think with me scumming, I think I'd be doing rap. And then it sort of slowly nosedive from there. So hold up.

So have you got a catalog of verses you're doing? Or are you doing the chorus? No, I'm doing a verse on it. What I would say is that I'm not just saying this to be self-deprecating. Easily the worst verse on the tune. But I just thought it'd be funny to... Yeah, but also it's probably one of your dreams and fantasies, right? It is. Actually, I mean, I know you're sort of saying that. No, not yeah but also it's probably one of your dreams and fantasies right it is actually

I mean I know you're sort of saying no no not at all it's like fucking cool for you to do yeah very nice you've got to I actually

I still to say right because you you know you've got a lot of arrows in your arm or whatever you call it yeah for your bow

yeah in your quiver yeah I know quiver has been something else so it's a bit of a no and you're the only one that knows it's being something else. So well done for being so cool and edgy. I have to try and get something back.

Fucking hell. I've got a comment that maybe is the most embarrassing thing I've ever said on this podcast. If you've got a new rap coming out, I'm trying to get a little bit back. I'm trying to pick something back up here. Yeah, no, well done. Do you know Tom's got another meaning for the word Quiver?

Oh, is he fucking hell he sounds like a cool edgy fucking edgelord yeah he is yeah he started wearing sunglasses

inside yeah somebody was having a joint to meet the other day and he goes oh no somebody else

described as a joint I won't tell you oh my god what a cool dude what a fucking cool guy do you think he's referring to drugs?

I think he might be. Fucking hell. He's like the old, remember the really cool cat from the 7 Up adverts? Yeah. On a Fido Dino, wasn't it? One of the things I regret as a kid in my class, like a kid in my class, when I was a teacher, I was doing 3D shapes and I drew a cone on the board.

And he said, oh, you know what that looks like? And obviously he was like trying to be cool about it. And I spent the next 10 minutes just going, oh my God, you're so cool. Do you mean it looks like a joint? Oh, well, everyone... Oh, what, you fucking slammed him?

Yeah. Oh God, you broached him, one of the kids in your class. Yeah. Wow. I did did well in in my defense he'd be he was quite difficult and actually what he was doing is he was trying to sort of like try to fucking you were the type of kid that would go that you were a weed smoker at school were you and you'd like say and if somebody drew if somebody drew a cone on the thing you'd go that reminds me what i what i was doing and that's what you that's the kind of kid

you were is it all right because i'll be honest with you based on what you've told me i don't think you could be fucking further from that no i wasn't i wouldn't have been smoking what i'd have done in that situation someone else would have said it and i'd have really laughed and then probably yeah fine i i accept that that's you know by the way actually i probably should talk to the barracks on the main episode we took grace around her first um to look at school the other day uh for first year like a nursery in a school um quite quickly like i had to put on a smart outfit that katherine sort of deemed smart enough for me to take to walk around the uh there wasn't sort of my usual that was a bit more maybe a bit more beige than my usual attire.

I then, when we arrived, called someone bruv, and she went, you can't call people bruv when you're walking around the school. I was like, well, I'm not calling them sir. But there was a moment where we went into the maths class and we were being shown around by these two other kids who were just sort of showing us around the school. And the teacher in the maths around the school and Yeah, the teacher the mess class to man said oh, um, I don't even is it like sort of like

How's a pyro source? Count to a hundred Pyagorasaurus I don't know what a word was to this day Is that how do you do it's like a thing into the pain it's like how do you it's like begin to the P and it's the way of counting to 100 I don't know

is the honest answer it sounded like you're trying to say Pythagoras which is the thing to do with yeah but that's not to do with

counting to 100 I don't think unless there's some look there might be some new method she basically said that to me Pythagoras is

A squared plus B squared equals C squared that's Pythagoras that everything you just said doesn't mean anything so she basically said to me she said to the kids oh we've been going through this right and then and you remember how to do it and they both said yeah yeah and then she said and and of course do you know how to do it when i've got no idea what you're talking about

and then she turned to katherine and said and you and katherine did you think you were did you think you were in the class no she sort of just was just sort of like. Was involving you. Yeah. Yeah. And then Catherine sort of laughed at the fact I didn't know what it was. And then she said, but do you know what it is? And then Catherine went, no, not really.

And then we both felt really inadequate. I looked at my daughter. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? How old's Grace? She's just coming up to two. She's coming up to two and you were looking

around somewhere and they were teaching Pythagorasaurus no no no it's a nursery that goes becomes a school oh okay

so basically we went to look at the nursery and then got a tour of the whole school if I'm honest with you it was what we thought was going to be half an hour turned into two and a half hours

okay well that's good I mean it's nice that the school was willing to spend so much time with you before you go two-footed in, and I'm like you did on Mervyn Stutter last week. Oh, by the way,

I got quite a few messages actually saying, actually, Mervyn. Yeah, I'm not actually surprised. No, but quite a lot of people were saying that actually he's not, if you spend quite a lot of time with him, he's not as lovely as you were sort of like. Oh, fucking, here we fucking go.

No, one guy has messaged me this morning, said, I shared a dressing room with him and actually he was like he likes everything just so so you weren't you couldn't touch his stuff in his dressing room

you weren't allowed to like oh he sounds like a real so he didn't want people touching stuff in his dress oh my god what a fucking prick no I'm surprised last

I'm surprised Panorama wasn't about him no you weren't allowed to leave like your stuff on the shelves or on the floor or whatever fucking prick. No, I'm surprised last, I'm surprised panorama wasn't about him. No, you weren't allowed to leave your stuff on the shelves or on the floor or whatever. He was quite a, he was a clean freak, but they also said he had quite a sweet side to it,

but he just liked things just so. Right. Okay. Maybe lead with that. Yeah. When you're describing a man that you don't know, he's basically trying to support up and coming comedians. Have you heard from him at all since this?

No, I mean, I imagine he's fucking trying to support up and coming comedians have you heard from him at all since this no i imagine he's fucking holed up somewhere just trying to deal with a hate campaign that you fucking i don't hate marvin stutter right no but you hate him enough to not pronounce his name correct it's mervin stutter right i don't dislike i don't even know the man no you don't but it didn't stop you from fucking absolutely giving him a shoo-in of his life on the podcast last week i maintain what i said i believe in right i'm not going to go back on that because that's not the person i am right no you would only do that about air fryers but anyway go on you wouldn't do it for an actual human being he's still a living working performer. The all new Hyundai Kona all electric SUV isn't inspired by the future. It's obsessed with it because we look forward and see more, more beauty, more technology, and more possibilities. Welcome to the future of urban SUVs.

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show by cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the big top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partner Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. No, look, I'd love to sit and have a pint with him and just share war stories and jokes about you, right? And at the end of it, just basically just go,

actually, you know what, Murph, you're all right, mate. You're all right, you sound... Yeah, you are what you are, I get it, but you're all right. So if I've got that chance, I might go to Edinburgh and see him. Just turn up and sort of go to one of his shows. I'm sure he'll be laying out the red carpet for you tom oh god i imagine he'll be getting nervous about the performance you turn up to where does he perform oh do you know he's coming in today who some guy that doesn't know you but absolutely fucking leathered you on his

podcast oh gosh let's bring out the snacks i'm to let him touch whatever he likes in my dressing room where does he perform day to day week to week or is he just where does he perform I've got no idea I've no

I've no awareness of him outside of the French should I just google him now and say see yeah why don't you Mervyn Stutter he might have mentioned you

maybe look up news Mervyn Stutter performances oh yeah so he's he's got his own website oh I mean yeah years. Mervyn Stutter performances. Oh yeah. So you see he's got his own website. I mean yeah he did

an interview in 2000 this year. I mean to be fair I feel really bad now because he's actually. I imagine he's going to be doing

another one soon. He's gone toe to toe with the landlords Edinburgh and actually I agree with what you're saying. That sounds like

the sort of thing you'd get on board with really. No no actually just there I'm just like thinking oh man. Look, that sounds like the sort of thing you'd get on board with, really. No, no, actually, just there, I'm just like thinking, oh, man. Look at this. Let's see, let's have a read about this show that so offended you.

So this is the Edinburgh show that I appeared at that made you say that he's an absolute prick. I didn't say that. That's kind of what you implied. It's a raw variety show of the fringe. Mervyn and his team carefully researched the fringe and bring you live extracts from seven top shows in a packed 90-minute lunchtime extravaganza.

Every day, there's a different selection. Pick the ones you like and then go and see them. Simple, brilliant. There's comedy, theatre, cabaret music, dance, circus, and the indefinable. Daily lineups at Mervyn's spot. What a fucking prick this guy is. So him and his team are going around picking shows that

might need a little bit of a spotlight on them and encouraging people to go, what a fucking arse. Do you know what? This is exactly the sort of thing that I think needs exposing to. Well done. You really are doing a public service. Congrats, man. I can't see that he's performed. Do you feel like your soul's a little bit cleaner as a

result of going in? If I'm honest with you, I'm looking at him. I'm Googling him, I'm having a look at him, you know, in his pink suit. Bless him. I mean, look, he's obviously got a bit of... I've seen him, mate. But he doesn't gig outside the fringe at all, right? I don't know.

I think he does. He's got a website. Yeah, but his website's not been done since 2000. Look, if anyone out there knows if Mervyn Stutter is giggling giggling yeah

giggling away how much he's been insulted on this podcast giggling away anywhere in like I don't know sort of South South England

where's he from Scotland oh is he Scottish maybe when I'm up in Scotland I'll pop by and see him I'll have a cup of tea I actually think the most respectful thing

to do now would just draw a line under it oh okay yeah but I feel like now that I have to sort of like go okay you know what

maybe I need to fucking you know what I could do is take him to a Toby Carvery that's a great idea and I'm sure he'd love to come can I be honest with you if I had been organising

a show which I was sort of doing mainly out of the goodness of my own heart to try and encourage people to go and see lesser known acts at the Fringe. And then many years later, after having worked tirelessly and actually assembled a team to help me because it's too much work and I'm just nervous about some acts not getting the attention that they deserve. and then years after having done that a comedian decided out of nowhere to absolutely fucking hammer me on their podcast and you did hammer him you did hammer him and insinuate insinuate infer at least that i was some sort of sex offender i was getting something else you you you sort of implied that there was something else

who was getting out of the whole thing. Yeah, I did. I said that it was never a sexual thing for me. Okay, if that happened, and then that person got in touch with me and said, would you like to go for a Toby Carvery? I think I know what my response would be. It would either be none,

or why don't you go yourself yeah but you know that this is the trouble wrong is that actually me and him become really good friends you don't know that's mate you look at mate go back and look at i don't know mr ripley or like any sort of film like that right you don't know how friendship start they're not always like mine and yours which has been like organic and pleasant sometimes you enemies become friends do you know what I mean you know

yeah sure but listen Mervyn I would just like to distance myself from all of Tom's comments on the last podcast and even now as he apologises to you

I'm distancing myself Mervyn if you know I listen to this mate I'm you know maybe i i stepped out of line uh as always i'm never ever ever big too big to say i'm sorry um you know maybe you are the person that you seem to be and you know i'd like yeah i'd like to show you i've got this is my head this is my heart god bless you uh keep doing what you're doing um

and look yeah keep smiling bro uh okay uh should we do some emails yeah let's do it but have you got any idea how long we've been going on this episode so far no not at all no i think we've actually been doing about 25 minutes. Oh, God. Okay, this is from the Mama Tiger. Okay. Hey, Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat. I'm having a bit of an issue with my other half, where he's insisting on giving our son a bowl haircut for some reason.

I tried to... Why are you laughing? I think he's got a fan, so... Yeah. I tried to cut it instead of him as much as possible, and we used thinning scissors to give a proper fringe that's tapered. Now yeah i tried to cut it instead of him as much as possible and we used thinning scissors to give a proper fringe that's tapered now my other half keeps cutting it regularly and cutting it completely straight all the way around it's a total bowl i genuinely don't understand it and said he's banned from cutting it to which he responded massively saying he didn't want to be

one of those husbands like his dad that's not allowed to do things i've never said he can't do anything before which is the only time i've said that it's only because i can't stand the thought of my son being bullied for this ridiculous haircut he keeps doing. My other half has told me in the past that he used to hate how his dad gave him a bowl haircut and he used to rebel and have it long when he stopped living with him. This makes the situation make even less sense

to me. Please help. I don't know how to talk about it and I just don't understand why it's becoming such an issue. I didn't think anyone would want to bring bowls back, so I just wasn't expecting this at all. Thanks and absolutely love the show. I haven't missed a net. Please don't ever anyone would want to bring bowls back so i just wasn't expecting this at all thanks and absolutely love the show haven't missed the net please don't ever stop doing this lots of love mama tiger tom um i actually can i had my there's pictures of me a lot of pictures of me when my mum cut my hair for quite a long time when i was younger and the bowl cut was a sort of her go-to i mean it was a little bit it was the 80s so it was a little bit more of a thing i think in the 80s is a bit more uh there was kids in films who

had the bowl cut and it was sort of like a bit more of a fucking look but i had like up until probably i was about 13 or 14 quite severe but bowl cut which led to quite a lot of teasing um i genuinely i can remember very clearly when i went around to my mate's house for a sleepover and he gave me an undercut do you remember those yeah I do remember those I used to have one

yeah so I got an undercut and I thought I was so cool and my mum was like you know I think it was a big it was like

in one of the years he'd probably had an episode about it but I yeah I remember even yeah

getting merced teased and picked on for it. I think the fact he's with your husband is a weird thing. I think he's probably trying to, like you said, sort of not be the person his father is in a weird sort of way and trying to sort of help out and do something. I do think you have got to be really, really careful when it comes to sort of help out and do so i do think you have got to be really really careful when it comes to

sort of um how you tackle that and how you because there's probably a lot more sort of deeper seated reasons to to why he's doing that or how he's doing it um on the basis of like he like i say he probably thinks he's helping out and i think like sometimes i think sometimes you can feel as a father sometimes you feel a little bit lost and that you're trying to sort of, I find it sometimes myself that you're, I'm out of work or I'm away and that you want to sort of hold on to sort of being around

and being a big part of your kid's life and making sure you're pulling your weight and whether he thinks that that's, in cutting his son's hair, that's what he's doing. It's a really strange dynamic that he complains about his dad giving him that haircut,

but actually, you know, I'm not, you know, it's always, we're not therapists, we're not being trained, but if you were to look into that, there is probably a deeper-seated reason into why he's doing that with your son

on the basis that it's probably a weird, not weird, but it's probably like a, it's probably like a reflection of, like, going back and him going back and sort of, like, almost feeling the closest to his father through doing that, I guess. And he doesn't even know that. So, yeah, I literally think that I've just garbled on.

There's no real fucking idea of what I'm saying there. But yeah, I think it's probably just a good chat. You've undermined yourself there. It's a good bit of advice. I actually agree with you. I feel like there's more to this. I mean, I think the key to this is the dad giving him a bowl haircut. And I think that there is something going on here.

I mean, it's possible he doesn't realise that he's given a bowl haircut. And he thinks that, you know, in his mind, his dad used to give him a horrible haircut. And he's trying to do he's trying to make that right by cutting his son's hair. But I feel like based on your email, this has become a hot in in relationships. And I'm not an expert on relationships, by the way. Um, just last night,

I completely misread a situation with Lisa and cause a problem. And it turned out it was entirely my fault. I mean, I won't go into the details of it, but suffice to say, uh, it's another one of Romy's mistakes. But what I would say is,

is that this has become one of those things in a relationship, which is like a hot topic. And it's like where this shouldn't become as heated as it has done but it has done because you both feel so strongly about it and from you know i do agree with what tom's saying it's because there's some other things going on there for your for your other half and so um i think uh you need to have like you need to have a calm chat about this and just say, look, I'm just a bit concerned about the haircut and see what he says and maybe say what you've said to us,

which is, you know, do you think this has anything to do with your dad? I'm not saying to therapise your other half, but just try and do what you can in a cool and calm way without escalating, get to a point where you try and get to the bottom of why this is happening the way it's happening. Because I do totally agree with Tom that there's something else going on here. And this haircut thing, as things do for us, you know, when they have like a link to our past has become like a trigger or, you know, it's got something more going on with it so

um you know what what's happened here is i've taken over from tom because he felt like he was garbling and i've decided to add some more garble to that and i hope you enjoy the load of garble that you've just received but um but essentially what we're saying is uh distance yourself from the emotion of it and and and have a chat would be my advice that's that's essentially what both of us are trying to say but you've said it really well in one line yeah uh arguably maybe jt will just cut to that last line and leave it at that who knows uh poor guy has to edit this shit every week it's I don't envy him. Okay. This is the abdominal aardvark AI. Wow, this is a bit of a weird this is a bit of a weird one this okay, because this isn't actually

from a person. Well, okay. This isn't from a person the same. What do you mean? It's from AI? It's from AI? Oh, I can't get my brain why I even is with artificial intelligence. Yeah. What's the point of it, though? Who's invented it? I believe, from what I've read, the point of it is to eventually replace all of our jobs and leave us as mainly butlers for the robots that have taken over the world, I think.

Is that going to happen? I don't know if it'll definitely happen in our lifetime, but I think it's on the cards. I'm starting to view iRobot as more of a documentary to be honest with you but yeah, anyway your face has gone really horrible there that is genuinely terrifying

because once robots start robots will be better than us there's no reason yeah they will do, 100% they can grow and grow I can't imagine being better than a stand-up robot yeah there's no reason. Yeah, they will do, 100%. And they can grow and grow and grow, right? We've probably got... I can't imagine being better than a stand-up robot. Yeah.

You've got to imagine being a better host than a robot. You think we've probably got as far as we can as humans. And they'll be able to make, like, you've only got to watch Transformers or whatever to see how far that they can go, and there's nothing beyond their means. No, absolutely right. So, anyway,

probably failed in the mission of keeping it light on the podcast as we go into this email. So this says, I hope this email finds you well. My name is the abdominal aardvark AI and I've been created by a human called Tom. Tom believes that I might be of some use in providing abstract but deeply philosophical questions framed through his favorite lens, which always involves sentient fruit or animals or other weird things. You with me so far?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, fucking hell. So here's a question for you. Imagine a world where apples and bananas are sentient beings, capable of contemplating the mysteries of the universe. In this strange world, they find themselves in a desert inhabited by talking cacti and singing sand dunes. The apples and bananas, being outsiders in this environment, start questioning the nature

of existence and the human condition. Fucking hell, Jesus. Now here's the twist. One day a spaceship from a distant galaxy crash lands in the desert and the apples and bananas discover that the spaceship is piloted by humans. This unexpected encounter leads them to ponder even deeper questions about their own purpose and the meaning of life. I would love to hear your thoughts on this scenario and the questions it raises feel free to explore any of the following angles the concept of consciousness the search for meaning the role of perception in understanding reality or the interplay between the familiar and the

unfamiliar thank you for taking the time to ponder this peculiar scenario stay tuned for my next tantalizing thought tickler you don't know my thing about it is, right? Okay. I don't want to go in on this AI because it could be related to the AI on my computer. Okay, I don't think they're going to be cousins. Also, I don't know if your computer has AI. What my point is, is if I go slanderously in on this fucking AI

and, like, hurt his feelings, I'm more worried about that AI than I am Mervyn Stutter. Yeah, I mean, that's become very fucking clear. Right. Also, I'd say, I'm going to go back to last episode where I'm actually giving about that AI than I am Mervyn Stutter. Yeah, I mean, that's become very fucking clear. Right. Also, I'd say, I'm going to go back to last episode where I was actually giving

a little bit of respect and due diligence to all of the fucking bits around my house. Whereas you're just treating them like inanimate objects. Yeah, all of them are.

Yeah, but they actually might turn into robots. So you've got to remember that, right? You know, when robots become our overlords, I go, oh,

fucking Tom Davis is always decent to them. Vom atom was always just horrible mean right so just think about that next time you're being nasty to an animal object anyhow i digress yeah so for me so basically what he's saying right is bananas and apples are they living on the earth it's uh let me just look into this uh it's a world so it's not necessarily earth okay so the humans have come probably from our world and they're going to the another world that's got apple and apple but apples and bananas are very much the outsiders no they're not they live on the world yeah but then but they're in the desert with cacti and stuff right and oh uh in this strange world they find themselves in a desert

and have a little bit of a ton of cacti and sand yeah so yeah they are outsiders yeah you're right sorry

well straight away so if I'm one of the humans I'm like the apples and bananas I'm not they're all like hello mate you alright

you well like have a little chat with them show them a little bit of kindness but I'm going to the cacti for a start because it's their place

they oh so you don't trust foreigners no it's not place. Oh, so you don't trust foreigners? No, not foreigners. I mean, that's kind of... Yeah, no, you make it about that. But if you're bloody... Say you go to Rome, right?

And you're like, oh, fucking hell, where's the big cathedral or castle and stuff? Or how do I find my way to a nice Italian restaurant? You don't walk up to a bloody german or a english person a tourist you'll find a local and ask them wouldn't you yeah no you're right you never talk to other english people on holiday do you no i've got 20 or 30

friends i've met nowadays my point being you ask locals right that's why if i'm walking through london and someone stops me and goes oh bloody, bloody hell, I can't find... Yeah, but Tom, Tom, the apples and bananas... The apples and bananas are as confused as I am. I want to go, oh, bloody hell, why don't I get a burger and some chips? Number one, I'll be worried about asking just in case when I see... If I'm there, I'll go, fucking hell, apples and bananas are talking. What are we eating here?

Right? What's going on? I mean, it does beg the question, if you wanted to eat a banana, do you have to then kill it well exactly and then what do you eat what is food it's throwing my veganism into a right fucking

yeah you'd be in pieces you'd be the worst person to have on this mission why'd you say that well I'm just saying like because look I can tell you exactly how it goes right

this is how the scenario plays out I get out of the spaceship fucking hell what the bloody hell's going on here and Apple runs up to me and goes who are you what are you doing i'm like fucking hell i'm talking apple i said where am i and he will just tell me go i'm as fucking confused as you are this is my mate john banana comes over and i said are you from around here are you staying with the banana

the banana's like no no no mate i don't fucking live around here either i said what's that none of us live around here oh this is rubbish by the. He's my co-pilot, right? And you're like, hello. Fucking what's going on here? I said, Rom, this is a banana and apple. They're not familiar either. There's no point even asking them. They're as stupid as we are, right?

And then... They live there, Tom. Yeah? No, he said they're visitors. No, he didn't say that. He said that they're outsiders. A world where apples and bananas are sent... Yeah, he does say they're outsiders No, he didn't say that. He said that they're outsiders. A world where apples and bananas are sent. Yeah, he does say they're outsiders, but he doesn't say why.

They've not just arrived. They live there. Okay, well, we live here, but we don't know what's going on. And I'll say, okay, right, listen. Get in the spaceship. We'll have a little chat. Number one, I'm after me thinking we'll get back to our planet with a toolkit of apple and banana and try, I don't know,

like fucking, you know, get them on TV, get them on a little TV show, right? But then I'll also go, oh, what fucking hell, there's cactuses talking, you know, you'd lose your mind, because you'd be like, fucking hell, oh, yeah, I don't eat, yeah, you know, I probably don't eat meat,

I'm your fucking cousin. I feel like I've lost my mind, I can't even get a fucking sentence out. But yeah, it'd be an amazing time. So yeah, I'm your fucking cousin I'm just saying like I've lost my mind I can't even get a fucking sentence out but yeah it would be an amazing time so yeah I'm sort of quite excited by it the thought of that

you know if it ever happens so where are you with it I just don't know what I'd eat do you know what I mean I don't like

you'd probably have to eat sand well that sings the sand apparently so I couldn't really have that you'd probably start a fucking choir

with a load of dunes or a little bridge club with the cacti or whatever but um yeah that would be awful for you if there was nothing but yeah i mean would you eat the apples and bananas yeah i've got really hungry i'd have to hmm well not if they're talking and then it's weird isn't it then it's then i mean if it's all talking well they are talking yeah well then we all I'm literally in the same scenario as you because I couldn't eat so many talks

I'd be no that's why you've never eaten parrot is that right obviously parrots are quite squirrelly they don't love much

of a meal if I'm honest with you and also the fact they talk but you know it's why you don't eat dogs or cats because they're not

feeding food well there you go. That brings us... Thank you so much, Abdominal Aardvark AI. I'm very... I think that even for AI, you were hoping for a deeper discussion than that, but that's what you've got.

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please preserve anonymity. A friend put me onto your pod last summer. I've almost caught up now. I've been well and truly beguiled by the best show out there. Thank you. That's very kind. It does make you sometimes wonder

what else is going on in the podcast world, doesn't it? Season two, episode 64 this evening, going for a piss in the night. When I was a boy, I remember stumbling upon my granddad's gazunder and giggling for hours after. Brummie word for chamber pot, gazunder the bed.

Oh, that's quite cute. You get that? Yeah. He had one leg. I'm fortunate enough to have two, but now that I'm in my late 50s, I salute the memory of his ceramic lifesaver. Oh, God. Sorry, I've just read ahead.

I use a large 200-gram Nescafe coffee jar. You'd be amazed how much it holds has never overflowed once in all the time i've been using it my wife and i sometimes sleep alone which makes availing myself of said receptacle child's play she's the sweetest of souls and after a period of revulsion incredulity and anger she eventually conceded that a quiet roll to the side of the bed correct angle of stream for zero noise she'd rather that than barging blindly to the ensuite for up to four times a night my life has changed as her opinion as me but we remain married naturally issues are the tissues are involved i fall easily back to sleep and always remember to put a pour a kettle

of water boiling water into it the next day do you lovely souls think this is something you could embrace i used a plastic soup one years ago but after seepage occurred from a salt crack at the bottom at my friend's house huge and posh bathroom down lengthy corridor i turned to glass my wife and i excited about hammersmith he may spot me in the stalls with some tubing and a satchel when i was in my early 20s i stayed at my little godson's house he slept with his parents and had a room i had his room middle of the night opened the door their dog was on the landing growling desperately searched for something feeling horrified of myself voila one of those plastic american duck world war two helmets which i propped up and hid under lego i did empty it the next day but my heart was in my mouth

long live your amazing god snake wow that's like i mean i quite sort of my ingenuity i think it's sort of like but i can't catherine look she's not having that at all there's not no realm no fucking possibility that that's happening in my I think I talked about it on here but when I was going to

the infamous shocking Guildford gig that I did at my work in progress tour which was absolutely awful and has given me fucking

PTSD of ever going back to Guildford basically on the way there we got stuck in traffic on the M25. I don't know if I've told this story but basically I was dying for a wee

and Tony, my driver, basically turned around and was like, okay I've got a, he carries a piss bottle with him that he pisses in when he's on long trips. Lovely. Oh, you've got a Huw. Yeah. Oh, cool. What flavour of chocolate? chocolate yeah that's my favourite

yeah this is my new favourite I've got to say I'm going to hold it out and try and have it in a bit but yeah my new favourite very nice strawberries and cream

strawberries and cream we're not getting any money for this I don't know why we're doing this I know yeah I'm a big Huel fan anyhow then Tony so Tony lent me his

Huel you should do like the Stephen Bartlett one He really nails that He's stopped doing it as much now So Tony lent me his piss bottle And I had to crouch down in the Footwell And have a wee

It was one of the most indignifying things I've ever had to do You crouched into the footwell Yeah And had to have a piss in this bottle You put your Penis into the footwell? Yeah. And had to have a piss in this bottle. You put your penis into the top of it and urinate. And it got very close to being full up. Like, worryingly so.

Yeah. Because I'd held on for this wee for so long. Would you have been able to cut the flow? Well, I sort of had to because it was getting so close to the floor. I couldn't have it overflowing. And then Tony basically threw it out the window, poured it out the window onto the motorway. God.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he washed it afterwards. But it was an indignation. I found it like, that's where I was like, whoever invented the toilet, handshake, well done, mate. You fucking nailed it. Is that better than pulling over? have you ever tried i've i've been at a gig i've i've pulled over to be sick before a gig before and have people taking pictures of me in the hard shoulder being sick yeah okay it's not ideal you can be sick and you can get away if you're standing over the piss on the hard shoulder on the motorway in traffic there's no getting away from it i mean

it's actually quite dangerous as well isn't it yeah apparently it's really dangerous as well um i've done it at night but yeah this is like four o'clock in the afternoon in the summer yeah you can't do that no so you know i would say it's worth i probably would need like a sort of i'd like to get one of those gallon drum ones that you get that's a great idea yeah um well look it's a great idea have you ever what's your piss shit trick but you mean you can't even piss in a toilet that's not your own right no i can piss in a toilet that's not my own it's pooing that i've okay cool i get very nervous about it i think sometimes it's nerve-wracking and weird i've got to say no but like you can just pop a go i just don't like going to the i don't like going for a poo in any toilet that isn't

really my own i mean i'm all right on holiday obviously i'm not for two weeks just trying to fucking reabsorb the nutrients but i if i don't need we need to sort that out but if i can make my downstairs i will never i will never if I can make my downstairs toilet... I will never... If I can make my downstairs toilet somewhere pleasant and relaxing for you to go for a poo, I'd feel devastated. If Lisa texted me, she was like, oh, bloody poor Rom, he was squealing all the way home because he needed a poo-poo.

Like... I mean, you're joking about it. That is the sort of thing that happens. Really? And I've been round people's houses and left early because I've suddenly felt the urge and I just said, I can't do it here. So I've had to sort of... You left early because I've suddenly felt the urge and I just think, I can't do it here. So I've had to sort of...

You know what? If I think of going home early, I'm going to whisper to Lisa and say, does he need a shit? And then... Well, listen, this is quite disgusting, but I don't ever... Like, sometimes, if I'm out for the day,

it will affect what I eat yeah of course yeah like like I don't want to eat too much because I don't want to I don't want to have to go for a show I would say probably arguably the worst thing you could do is come out to mine have my mum's lentil pie yeah I mean it just I can't even imagine I mean I would literally have to go can we have the lentil pie really close to the end of this evening in fact I would say can we make the lentil pie really close to the end of this evening in fact i would say can we make the lentil pie the dessert or even the coffee course and then i would head off into the night comfortable how long is your how far is your house from mine like 40 minutes 45 minutes yeah 45 minutes so yeah i think that's about enough time for i've started doing this thing where oh god this is so such a horrible insight into my relationship

but I oh god this is horrible so anyway I know when I'm going to need a poo my knowing that I'm going to need a poo happens that's not super bad by the way no I know that you're showing off a bit

no but what I mean is I don't think all people have this but I know that in an hour I might need one you know what I mean is... You're showing off a bit, right? No, but what I mean is, like, I don't think all people have this, but I know that in an hour I might need one. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I'll sometimes say to Lisa... Oh, God. I'll sometimes say to Lisa, I'm at Victoria, right? Because Victoria's about 45 minutes on the train to where we live,

which is three bridges. Right. So if I'm at Victoria, I've got a bit of time, right? If I'm at East Croydon, I've not got as much time, but I've still got some time. If I'm at Gatwick, then we're very close, right? Not Lisa and I. I'm very close.

And then sometimes I go, I'm pulling it at three bridges, which means I need to go. Oh, shit. So, no, hold up. So you don't use this. That's not when I'm actually on the train. That's an analogy for. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. That's actually really clever. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to ask JT to edit that out. No, no, no, no, no, no. And I will refute that. You can't edit. That's brilliant. That's genius.

Genuinely one of my favourite things you've ever said. All right. Well, anyway, in answer to the corn snake, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, and no disrespect to you or Tom who said that he would get a gallon drum, I am never, ever, ever pissing into a bottle by the side of my bed.

Ever. Well, you have it there. It's affirmative. There's an answer and i hope you've enjoyed all of your answers today on the wolf and owl merry special bonus episode take care of yourselves and each other goodbye if you have a problem, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com.

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