Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 74: Self-Tan & Airport Pranks

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

We’re talking… Tom’s broken boiler, holidaying in Spain, a calamitous self-tan lotion miss-communication, hotel prank calls, bumpy landings, duty-free scares, the best flabbergaster in the game, Rom’s West Country gigs, the brilliant Fatiha El-Ghorri and a query about backstage banter. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff And a... Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men

Dressed up as a bird and a dog Oh my goodness Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Welcome, my friends up as a bird in a dog. Oh my goodness. Welcome, friends. Welcome to the Wolf and I podcast. What you can hear is two men overcompensating for the lack of energy because they have only been able to find an hour at 6.20am. That's what you listen to. It's a cold Tuesday morning.

Bro, I got home. I just had a nice... Well, I'll go through my week away in a minute but we got back from a nice little week away and my fucking boiler's gone so it's like I slept in what I'm wearing now I slept in a tracksuit it's freezing in my house

it's like we got back from a nice winter warmth I was very lucky to have. So talk me through this. What time did you get back last night? I got back about nine-ish. Okay.

And would you have gone to turn the heating on at nine as soon as you got in? Yeah. If I'm honest with you, Rob, I think I probably sport the last two days of the holiday by saying to Catherine

the house is going to be freezing when we get back we should have why did you say that because I knew it was going to be cold here so I I have a lot of

this sort of anxiety and even though we're having a lovely time and an amazing holiday the three of us I kept on finding things

other things like for example I i was given the task of going and buying sun cream for the family um so i went to a shop to buy some green and chat to this woman very nice woman um and basically said i needed sun cream so so i was telling her what i wanted but she didn't speak any english i don't speak any spanish right yeah and i ended up buying two big fucking bottles of self tan and smothering myself and grace in it yeah um because like you won't you won't be able to see this guys uh but tom you're probably about as dark as me now aren't you yeah i'm a nice sort of

orangey color and and what's great ramesh is my not even two-year-old daughter's not far off this color as well um on the basis that she was actually you've actually browned up your daughter mate it yeah you know like when you see like remember um the travelers uh the gypsy wedding show um a big gypsy wedding i looked like i was getting yeah me and my daughter ready for that can i can i can i ask uh what prompted the decision to wait to get to the destination country before buying sun cream just well again i've been tasked with buying sun cream in england and i think it's incredible organizing everything and Kevin is incredible organising everything before we go away on holiday, I'm terrible at it

and I have a little list of jobs one of my jobs probably if I was to go back and look at the list was to make sure that the house, the heating in our new house had been sorted but I hadn't done that and yeah so you know I can relate to this so much, having one

of three things to do and then the panic when you realise that you've cocked one up not that like listen

I know what Catherine's like she wouldn't have been horrible about it no but and Lisa's never horrible about it it's just

you can see the sort of you know they're not horrible they're disappointing the gentle frustration the gentle frustration so now you're on a holiday you've got you could get some cream abroad i was running out like oh this would be easy because i'll do some cream everywhere so i went

out and like my hands even i mean you're obviously but you can see the orange on my hands so my hands at what point did you what point did you realise that it was self-tan? Well, I realised, I think, on the third day after putting it on myself, Catherine took over Grace's sun cream application after that, and we got a better one for Grace that was for children. I kept on with this one as, you know like when you order or you make some food, and it's not very nice,

but you feel like you should keep eating it. You have to finish it, yeah. Yeah. So that's why I look like I've, I've sort of been clapping with diarrhea in my hands. It's just, but I mean,

I look at genuine, like my friend Tommy was out there, and he went, my God, you look amazing. You've got a great tan for someone who's been here for two days. I was like, oh yeah,

you know, I tan really easily didn't actually have the heart to tell him that I applied self tan even though I was in a country I'm assuming self tan has no sunblock in it whatsoever

yeah well that's the other thing that's quite worrying actually about putting it on nearly a two year old as well on the first day like yeah what was Catherine's reaction? also it wasn't it wasn't a cheap uh oh my god

so so you what did you say like salt did you shout soul over and over did you say crema de soul or something yeah i was going for the tan for tan tan, suntan. Or suntan for sun. First of all, why would you say suntan? No, because I meant to get a suntan. For me, get suntan. No, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. All right.

Yeah, I know. All right. That is an absolutely insane way to go about it. Yeah, I know. Look. Listen. You're not even... I realise that now, looking back at it, if I could fly this situation,

go back, I'd be going and going, sun protect, sun protect, sun protect. But I didn't at the time. I was excited about getting a suntan. Right. I genuinely look. I mean, you can't see... Listen, jobs are good.

Jobs are good. You've got yourself see it. listen, jobs are good. Jobs are good. You've got yourself a tan. Yeah, I know, yeah. You're fucking absolutely bang up, ready for your first day

shooting on TOWIE. How was the holiday apart from the fact that you... The holiday was amazing. Very, very lovely. Yeah, it was nice to have that family.

I was incredibly... There's something about you being on holiday that I found it very envy-inducing. Every day I wake up and I thought, Tom's on holiday today. It was lovely. It's... I would say, obviously, you've got kids.

It changes up a bit, right? Yeah. I felt pretty much... Grace is now walking, she's into everything. I felt a lot of the time, like, my job was essentially, you become like a centre-back for most of the time, just standing goal-side of any kind of danger. Like a swimming pool, you're just goal-side, can't see the swimming pool.

You feel like Rio Ferdinand or Virgil van Dijk, just going, no, no, no, no, just backing her off, just so you're always between them and a danger. Like the airport was an absolute crazy, yeah. I've got to say, by the way, as well, last night, right, so we come back last night, I will shout out the British Airways staff, incredible on the flight.

Grace, now, I know everyone else was on the plane because Grace really decided to put on quite a show last night and let everyone on the plane know that she was on the plane by walking up and down it shouting. This is one of my favourite things, actually, of the holiday. I started doing prank calls with Grace, which was really, really fun. You started doing prank calls? Well, yeah.

There was a limited amount of stuff that you can do in a hotel room with a baby. prank calls with Grace, which was really, really fun. You started doing prank calls? Well, yeah, like to, like to, you know, like there was a limited amount of stuff that you can do in a hotel room with a baby or a toddler. So, um, when Kathy would go out, um,

we'd call reception and ask for silly names. Uh, and she'd really, really find it funny. Not really, really giggle. Yeah. I'm sure she would.

I'm not sure the overworked hotel staff had been appreciative. No, no. That's great. Yeah, but actually, I will say this, that they kept up the joke. I don't know if they were in on it,

but they kept it being quite fun and Grace found it hilarious. Hold on. So just tell me, first, can I just say I fundamentally disagree with this, what you've done here? Why?

Well, it was a fun thing. For you and Grace, the hotel wasn't very busy. For you and Grace, the hotel wasn't very busy. It's off season. Well,

I can't do it. I can't even do this now. No. I feel ridiculous holding my hands up. Right. But, your palms are as dark as the back.

Yeah. I've never seen that before i've never seen hands completely the same color all the way over right you look like a fucking cartoon character but i've heard simpson's been away um so we would turn back like i katherine were going you know have like we we tried to we and it was a very good thing to do we tried to sort of you know we'd have that time together as a family katherine got her time separately i got my time separately and we made sure that we sort of you know then i got time with grace it's my phone thing so obviously we went swimming you know walking around we went to a

little park and stuff but there was also times where you're in the hotel room it's a bit later so she was she's a bit later so she was she's obsessed with phones so she gets on picking up she blew her mind the actual old school hotel phone yeah she's only seen mobiles up to now yeah so um and now i assume after this holiday she assumes that those old school phones are for abusing people trying to do their job that's the learning objective right I'd phone up right and in a silly voice I'd go something like

oh hello I'm Mr Davis calling from 212 has Mr Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far

Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Far Good to the voice, and I don't know if she knows that Mr. Fartbump is his name. Well, I mean, listen, you don't need to explain to me why that joke works to your daughter. And then the people... I'm not thinking she's appreciating it on a satirical, political level. I think it might be the voice and the fact she said Mr. Fartbump. I'm guessing that's what she found funny about it.

Right, and then grace would really really start absolutely like losing my and i don't know about you but it's the sweetest thing when you see your little one laughing like that right it's not it's not come up for me i mean i i've tried lord knows i've tried that's the main reason we had three kids but the first one didn't manage to make theo laugh i thought let's have a tough crowd i don't know if he was always like that but I want to make Theo laugh I would realise Theo's no actually

Theo well yeah anyway I was about to go into detail about what makes Theo laugh and then I thought

this sounds like I sound like I'm a guest on Loose Women anyway right so then she'd really laugh the hotel staff

would be like Mr Davis we'll just check for you make sure he's here for you um and they've got numbers no so what is his name and then i'd saw so who's named mr faf christ is this on speakerphone yeah yeah so grace would really laugh and yeah and then um she'd say oh no we'll give you a call when he arrives and then i'll thank you and then yeah and then we did the same thing like different names obviously but we did like room service and and um so how did the hotel respond to this so they basically became in on the joke did they

yeah i think they they could hear grace laughing i think so yeah and they were very very amazing at this hotel they were lovely mate they sound fucking award-winning based on having to put up with that shit i think about it now i think actually i could bring that done the same joke with pulling the phone out of the yeah i mean there's absolutely no there's absolutely no i mean i thought i'll be honest with you genuinely that occurred to me three seconds into this story that it didn't require a member of staff having to deal with the call

yeah but you know what they said to us it was very quiet in the hotel for guests there was a lot of golfers there

but there wasn't a lot of guests in the rooms so actually some of them I think were oh it's actually something to do

which was quite nice I got another phone call from the orange father and daughter in room 212 yeah just here with them right so i'm not sure what accent i was doing there actually i think what happened is that i wanted to go for spanish didn't want to come across xenophobic and instead sort of sounded like some sort of interrogator i don't know why i think i think what you sounded was

european i think that there's now like that sort of midator. I don't know why. I think what you sounded was European. I think that there's now like an accent. Oh, that sort of mid-European. Genuine European, which is quite nice. So anyhow, we were on the flight last night, coming back last night. And I'd say that I'm not a bad flyer, but I'm not a brilliant flyer. So I'm not Tom Cruise.

I'm not like Maverick, Top Gun kind of eyes, but also I'm not B. Abracus. I'm somewhere in the middle of those two. Do you know what I mean? So you're in the middle. I mean, I would describe almost everyone as in the middle of those two. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. So basically, one extreme is flying the plane and the other one is having to be made unconscious in order to get on the plane. So you're between those two, are you? Yeah. That really gives me an idea of what sort of fly you are. You know what?

When I laugh, I get more orange. Oh, my God. You look like Tom and Jerry when Tom gets really angry. That's what just happened there. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping.

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Flights Flights I'm not fucking hands off I'm going to keep them out Of the situation now I look like Morph That's what I look like So look The flights The flights One is It's quite a challenging flight I'm like, I'm not fucking hands-offing. Let's keep them out of the situation now. I look like Morph. That's what I look like.

So the flight is quite a challenging flight. There was no one to call. I sort of asked the stewardess about using the phone on there. But I actually genuinely said I could do one of the phone announcement things because my daughter would find that funny. Yeah, because you'd fucked off the hotel staff. Why not piss off the airline staff as well? But they were amazing. Did you do cavity searches for Grace's amusement at security? fucked off the hotel staff why not piss off the airline staff as well but they were amazing anyhow did you

did you do cavity searches for Grace's amusement at security well there's a story coming up oh okay oh god so

the plane's coming in for landing right I reckon we're we're about 30 odd feet maybe 20 feet up to hitting the runway

the fucking plane you can see the ground and then the plane goes back up like hitting the runway, the fucking plane, you could see the ground, and then the plane goes back up. Like, literally, you hear the engines rev back up, and it just fucking takes off up again, right? Which is fucking unnerving, because you think, what the fuck's happened here? Do you know what I mean?

You think you're hitting the... And then the stewardesses, because I was at the front, you could see the stewardesses looking very panicked as well. One of the stewardesses said, I've never known anything like this before, which is quite terrifying. Tom, is that true? because I was at the front, you could see the stewardess looking very panicked as well. One of the stewardesses said, I've never known anything like this before, which is quite terrifying. Tom, is that true? Yeah, I swear.

Is that true? Yes, you went, I don't know what's happened here. I've not known anything like this. Shout out the BA, first of all, shout out the BA staff, the British Airways staff,

who upon the landing, being slightly problematic, said in hearing range of the passengers I've never experienced anything like this before she was quite shocked and she was

she was yeah aren't they supposed to sort of disguise that a little bit and stay a bit calm I don't think she could I don't know

you've got to remember I've got fucking hell oh my we're going to die you've got to remember I've got really good hearing as well

so I and I was watching really good hearing as well so I and I was watching like a hawk yeah and I was watching like an absolute hawk so then the captain comes on

and said basically what happened is he was trying to land but another jet from another airline um which would rhyme with sneezy bet

right um uh hadn't taken off in time. So he was still on the ground. And we nearly hit that plane, basically. We would have hit the back of that plane if it hadn't been for this amazing pilot, Captain, who pulled us out of the crash.

And that's why he came on the radio and told it from there. Are you sure you got this information right? You got to within 20 metres of the runway. As in 20 feet, sorry. You're 20 feet. So that's basically just over two Tom Davises. Oh, it might have been 20. No, I can see the ground, but it might have been 20 metres.

Right, okay. Yeah. Okay, fine. Because that's very fucking close to Sunday. Yeah, well, you know what? I'm getting the gage. There was an American guy next to me who said 20 20 something but at the time grace was sort of like singing and joking and watching something and and then he was like oh my god and he actually

was and he said he flew at least like three times a month and he'd never seen anything like it before did uh did grace pick up on the panic or anything at all not really no no no she sort of catherine because catherine again catherine's more leaning into the ba uh as in ba brockus um right she's not a good flyer at all okay um not we haven't got to date her but she's probably only sort of like well she might have to on the next flight after what happened here okay um right did she freak did she freak out at that to be fair she's not a not a good fighter. She kept it together for Grace, because Grace was sitting on her lap. But it was, oh, so this is a weird one. At the start of the flight, the stewardess turned around and said about being impressed because they'd had one of the youngest people ever to climb, I think she said Snowdonia,

on the flight, right? Mount Snowdon, yeah. Yeah, Mount Snowdon. Give him a round of applause, right? Yeah. I was expecting to look around and see like an eight-year-old, right? Mount Snowdon, yeah. Yeah, Mount Snowdon, give him a round of applause, right? Yeah. I was expecting to look around and see like an eight-year-old, right? This guy gets up and he's like 23, right?

Yeah, you're right. What a fucking prick. Mate, he's 23. He climbed it when he was about eight and he's still telling people on flights. What? Are you serious? That's what I was meaning. Don't come on.

I swear on it. That can't be what happened. I swear, it's insane. I swear. She said one of the youngest people ever it. That can't be what happened. I swear, it's insane. I swear. She said one of the youngest people ever to climb Mount Stodin. The guy turned up, he was about 23.

So either he or his parents have fucking got in touch with the airline to tell them, or he's that famous that he's done it. And people will clap it, but everyone on the plane looked around like,

the fuck? That's like literally you getting on a flight and saying, oh, we've got one of the nation's sweethearts here, one of the funniest guys. He's got some great jokes.

And then you standing up and not telling a joke but getting a round of applause. What did you want him to do, climb a mountain? No, I wanted him fucking to go, all right, mate, it was fucking 10 years ago, get over it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even know how old you were. I'd have to go.

Because the rest of this is. So we land, right? Okay. Thank God you went on this holiday. I mean is really sort of this episode up anyway go on we land um everyone's a bit jittery um uh we get off the flight apart from grace who's absolutely loving it and now grace wants to run around everywhere so then she sort of then you're sort of like in the airport it's a whole new you're set back in again making sure as I'm going through customs and stuff

Catherine has got Grace in a buggy and we've got Jim who's grabbing us from the airport right so

Catherine sort of Jim by the way bit Jim and Jim's very he spent a lot of time with you recently Jim hasn't he okay

where is this going well Jim's become very... I told Jim what happened, and then Catherine sort of told him, and then he went, hey, Tom's exaggerating the story slightly. And I was, all right, Jim, chill out. Jim said that you're exaggerating the story.

He laughed about it, yeah. I love Jim. But Jim... Oh, because... that you're exaggerating the story he laughed about it yeah i love jim but jim jim uh oh because so you told the story then catherine told the same story but but but her story is factually correct yeah i mean yeah yeah she sort of said look but i mean look to be fair that jim will verify this they're very like stories but catherine catherine wasn't as panicked as me anyhow this this bit is this this is the bit

that actually angered jim and myself and guess so we then katherine then is like keen to get to jim i'm left with the suitcases which you know katherine's got grace katherine flies through customs hold on hold on just let me just stop you there katherine was keen to get to jim yeah i was left with the as you said that i'm you, the mask slipped a little bit. I felt like I might have detected a little bit of rage there. Now, how was the dynamic between you and Catherine at this point?

Oh, it was fine at this point. This is what I'm going to get into now. Okay. So Catherine's got grades and she's also got all of our documentation, our passports and stuff. Oh, okay. Here we go.

So she flies out. Then this guy stops me. He says uh excuse me um can i just ask you a few questions and he's cut he's from customs he says where have you just been i was like i was just flying back from gibraltar he said okay okay have you brought any cigarettes have you brought any tobacco um we did have we brought back some tobacco for katherine's uh auntie and uncle and some booze. So I said, yeah, we've got some tobacco and we've got some alcohol.

And he was like, what, how much have you got? And I was like, and he was quite serious and he was quite, you know, I've never really been in that situation before. I said, well, here's the tobacco. For a short while, he showed me the tobacco. He went, but this is too much for just one person. I said, no, my wife's here.

And then I'm calling Catherine, but also trying to be, I don't want everyone in the airport to hear me, but I'm sort of shouting Catherine, and she's gone at this point. He then said, what alcohol have you got? And I was sort of showing him a couple of bottles. He said, this again is too,

I said, yeah, but this is not for one person. This is brought for me and my wife. My wife, he said, okay, where's your wife then? Have you got anything in your suitcase? He's been quite, right. And I'm like, no, honestly, mate, like this is, my wife. My wife, he said, okay, where's your wife then? Have you got anything in your suitcase? He's been quite, right, and I'm like, no,

honestly, mate, like, this is, my wife is here and he's like, can I see your passport, please? I said,

um, my wife has got my passport and she's just gone through. If you let me just go in front, I can get anywhere. No, no,

I can't let you go anywhere not without your passport. Where's your passport? You should have your passport all times in the airport. Anyway, he's been quite, and I'm saying, Catherine. What's happening to your arse at your passport all the time in the airport. Anyway, he's been quite, and I'm shocked.

Catherine. What's happening to your ass at this stage? My ass is going. You're right. I'm very nervous because I'm thinking, I haven't got a passport,

I'm in the middle of an airport. At this point, Catherine's so keen to get to fucking the car and to get to the gym and get Grace some fucking snacks and some milk.

There's a good chance that they'll forget that I even exist and I'm on holiday with them and Catherine and the family. This is what I want to see. This is good. So, finally...

You're dealing with both your arse going and also a deep, deep frustration in the fact that you feel you've been abandoned by Catherine. Yeah, and I feel a bit like, yeah, like, remember that film, The Incredible Journey, when the dogs are left at the house and they've got to make their way all through America to get to where the new people live.

Also, I know that by the time she goes through those opening doors in customs and out into sort of fucking, whatever it's called, where you get cheap goods. Duty free. Yeah. She's gone. You really did assimilate Gibraltar

you picked up so much Spanish she's gone right okay so I shout out one last really loud Catherine

which most people in the airport and in the baggage and looking area look round now just so I know why wasn't phoning her an option

now I've never thought of that actually but I was so fucking panicked because this guy has sort of being quite anyway katherine then and grace the buggy comes back around and she hasn't quite got joe's doors and she comes back and she's like are you okay and i sort of say yeah yeah have you got my passport you've got passport and the guy puts his hand on my arm and goes don't worry about me i'm messing with you

and i was like like yeah and then he goes love your stuff mate keep doing what you're doing just had to i was messing with you bruv yeah what mate i was like what like genuinely had nearly tears in my eyes man i was that's a bit jim couldn't get his uh like and then katherine came back and then he sort of he i could see he knew that it had gone wrong and then he sort of was trying to laugh about it and he sort of he i could see he knew that it had gone wrong and then he sort of was trying to laugh about it and he's sort of like nodding and smiling at katherine god and he could see because i think he knew how i mean there's a part of me now when i'm telling the story after telling the story about the phone calls to the um hotel i don't know where the hotel we're in on it but

anyway um it was genuinely one of those like I was like what happens in this situation if Catherine's gone through I've got no passport and he was then like he sort of walked over to Catherine with me

and was trying to still sort of laugh about it and it was just so that is but hold on what why did he like

by the way the whole thing is mad but what if he just went I'm going to need to all it takes is for you to go, I'm going to check your suitcase top to bottom. And then as you go to do it, you go, oh, joking, mate, love your stuff. And then that's it, right?

Why did he go this far with it? I don't know. What? He was too involved in a joke that he then felt he couldn't back out. Yeah. Because I was like, do you need to see my part? I still couldn't register in my head that it was a wind-up. And I was going like do you need to see my part i still couldn't register

in my head that it was a wind-up and i was going do you still do you need to see my password no no no mate he's fine it's fine and he could you could see that he was embarrassed about the situation not embarrassed i just think he felt like yeah i don't know if he thought that i was like involved with about it but the level of panic that he'd have seen in my face well how do you think it's what do you think it's like from his side? He sort of thought he'd do a funny thing and he ended up making the person that he'd recognised almost cry. I mean, that is...

I can't imagine that sitting well with him. And then he thinks to himself... Yeah, but also I don't bear many manners. I hope he's all right. Let me just listen to the next episode of The Wolf and the Owl. I've done jokes on people at the wrong time. And then I've gone. Look, you're the prank master general, aren't you?

I mean, like, whenever we meet up with you and James. Have I told you that I used to call myself that? No, it's just every one of your stories from the past is when you've done a shit on someone's desk or you've phoned up someone and pretended to be immigration, their parents are getting deported. It's just really horrible, horrible stuff that you find hilarious. That's the sort of thing that turns you on.

It amazes me that you're as comedically brilliant as you are when I hear some of the things that you thought were a funny thing to do. But there was a part of me after it happened and I couldn't really bear him any malice because I was like, I kind of get that. He was having a joke. He stood there for ages. He sort of thought, this will be funny.

But he was terrified at the time. I'm trying to figure out, because obviously you always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, right? So he's gone. Tom Davies, I want to do a little bit of a prank on him, right? And by the way, listen, it's not lost on me that this is mainly a story about you getting recognised.

But so he... You prick. You prick. You're so happy with that. You're so happy with that. I know you're sitting in your bed. As you've done that, your fucking toes have just fucking, just stroked the fucking duvet.

Anyway, sorry. The point I'm trying to make is. Oh, you fucker. I'm happy with that he goes he thinks okay it's Tom Davis I recognise him

let me do a little prank on him and then I reckon I don't know I think I'm trying to figure out how this happened he's trying to figure out how to do the exit from this

how to like he's probably thinking I think there's probably how do I do the reveal yeah I think I think when he first sort of said to me where have you been like and sort of he whether he thought that i was probably going to be more i don't think

he realized that the panic i was under also for him even even if there's also a sense that i was it looked to him that i'd have been on my own coming back from Jabal with three fucking great massive suitcases and a big bit of hair luggage. So he could, he, you know, he might've just sort of, you know,

thought that I had brought loads of fucking alcohol and, you know, bits in that from there. I don't know. I mean, I don't think we've got to the bottom of that. It, uh,

if the guys, this happens to listen to the wall for now, we'd love to. Usually people tell you that they said that that's what they're into they're into something you know i know he didn't he didn't clarify of any any of the work that i was actually is it is it is it possible is it possible this was a legit this was a legit stop right and he i'm just saying and he maybe hadn't recognized you initially and then i know that's

that's difficult for you to sort of process but like he sort of hadn't put two and two together as to who you were initially then midway through sort of realized that maybe there was something that you did like sort of midway through your panic that looked a bit king gary-ish and then suddenly it's clocked i was oh yeah i was flabbergasted i think i probably my life would be flabbergasted 10 times that was one time that i was really flabbergasted right i don't use that word lightly no well it's only happened to you 10 times so i yeah i was absolutely wow this is a moment here. Yeah. And so, like, King Gary spends a lot of the episodes flabbergasted, doesn't he? I'd say you had to play flabbergasted. Oh, I've played flabbergasted more than I've actually been flabbergasted.

Yeah, I think that's fair to say. I think in character, even Murder is Successful, I've played fast and loose with flabbergasted within the world of acting. I've been flabbergasted enough to know. Obviously yeah when some enough to know obviously i heard about you before i met you and uh i remember you being described to me as one of the best flabbergasters in the industry really not one of the type the first time i met you i was flabbergasted no no because your legacy it's sort of, well, you introduced yourself as a legacy comedian. Right.

I feel the urge to say that's not true. I can't even imagine I introduced myself as a comedian. Oh, you did. When you came into the green room, you were very swaggy. You had your bowling shoes and your... Oh, fucking hell. Your combats and your blazer on. Did I have some ball shorts on or something?

That's what you normally like to do. No, you had a nice pair of combats on with some converse and a blazer and a shirt and tie. Yeah. What you've done there is you've sort of mixed reality to the point now where I don't even know whether that might be true. How have you been anyway? We've done a lot of big tea chat. So I've got I've got nothing exciting to report. I mean, I've been doing I've just

been doing work in progress gigs, basically. How's it been good? Well, I've done they've been good. Yeah, they've been great. I mean, I'm trying to put on the show is coming together. I mean? And I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I went, I had a bit of a monster day. Basically I was supposed to do a show in Ilfracombe in North Devon on the Friday night.

And then I was going to be away for the weekend because I was going to do Saturday and Sunday in Exeter and then come back Monday. Right. And, um, basically for some reason, the extra shows got cancelled because I think there's a flood at the venue, right?

So I was doing two shows locally. Instead, I replaced them with two shows at Cranley Arts Centre. But it did mean that on the Friday, I had to go to Ilfracombe and come back the same day. And that, so I think it was like six hours there, four hours back or something. Jim brought me back from Ilfracombe and come back the same day. And that, so I think it was like six hours there, four hours back or something. Jim brought me back from Ilfracombe.

Was Graziano driving? No, Graz wasn't on this one. It was Elliot. Took me up there. And then Elliot stayed in Ilfracombe and Jim brought me back. But normally, if I was going that far away, I'd stay overnight, right?

But back in the day, when I used to support Sean Walsh on tour, Sean would always want to get back so like we'd always like drive back regardless right but i'd forgotten what it's like to having been in a car for that long what it does to your following day i mean i was like it's a killer mate it's like having a mad like having a proper brutal hangover i was i tried to get home as much as I can. I always think if it's under three hours, I'll try and get home. Well, I remember, so Exeter's always a bit of a, you know, I know that they get, and I would too,

they get annoyed if you go, this has been a really long drive, because they go, well, not for us, you're a really long drive, do you know what I mean? But that drive to Exeter, I remember once my... you don't open with that do you huh you don't open with this has been a really long drive to get here no no i i'm not jerry seinfeld in 1983. i was just that's like a waiter coming over and going i hope you enjoy this chef's knocked his bollocks out making this food for you i mean that does sound like the sort of thing that i would say on stage to be honest but um anyway i do want at this point shout out fatty el gory who is who's opening

amazing right so funny man just like incredible and great company as well we'll say yeah great can i ask a question because i think well we've had a lot of the same support, well, a couple of the same support acts on this. So do you talk to your support act right up until the point where you go on stage? Almost. Well, Fatia and Dinesh, yeah, pretty much. Like, I'm almost there in my, I don't have my own,

we're just chilling, like one dressing room between us and we'll be chatting, having a, catching up. Um, sometimes Gratz is in and, uh, is there as well. But then,

uh, so yeah, you, I like that feeling of feeling quite chatty and quite chill before the show. If they want to go through their stuff, then I'll always just go into the corridor or whatever and let them go. But both Fatty and Dinesh,

sometimes people are a bit more, they need a bit more time. But I quite like the chat and the banter. What about you? Work in progress is probably a bit different, by the way. I'd say work in progress is slightly different. I've got deeply paranoid about this

because I tend to be like working on the show or whatever and then it occurred to me when fatty came because fatty did ill for coming both cranley nights and um to be fair we there was only one dressing room at cranley so we did share like we did like just hang out together the whole time uh but in the uh i've started to become slightly paranoid that my that you've told a story about a holiday where you know you had a prank played on you you played a series of pranks on hotel staff you put on self-ta i mean that literally your holiday seems to have been i would say two to three episodes of a sitcom and i'm now having a discussion about

whether you're sitting in the dressing room with the support actor. I mean, it's in terms of levels of stuff to report back. Yeah, but we had those moments. Your holiday story was here. Mate, mate, mate, come back and remember Swimming Gate. What do you mean? You're the only person to be continued on this podcast. When you went swimming and, like, failed and, like, embarrassed yourself in front of your family. And then when you actually fucking swam out to the boy and you had them all celebrating and having

a big barbecue on the beach it's fucking two great stories yeah at that time i was at work in progress yeah so yeah i mean thank you for giving me a pep talk it's really really lovely uh and also tragic as well actually weirdly it's made me both feel better and worse. It's an unusual feeling. But anyway... So you don't have to chat? I don't tend... I do chat, but I tend to...

Well, particularly for work in progress, I just need to be a little bit kind of... Not thinking about the show. I'm making it out like there's some sort of artistic process i'm mainly panicking is the honest truth and looking at my work in progress with you he's usually sort of like eating crisps and sort of like drinking coca-cola you all seem quite chilled well i think well first of all you've never done work in progress for me you did i know what you you're about to say the dates at the Horth right

oh no Islington oh no Islington that was work in progress but at that stage what I would say is mine was really that

you were you were a bit closer to what you were doing no I wasn't I think that was more of a run through getting back how dare you

you were great that night that was when I looked at it and thought actually maybe coming back to stand up was maybe the worst idea of my life no you were great what are you talking about you were great that night that was when I looked at it and thought actually maybe coming back to stand up was maybe the worst idea of my life

no you were great what are you talking about you were brilliant no that night wasn't that night to me felt a bit like when people from Curve came in to chat to me

afterwards you know when you like Arsenal and you're outside a player from sort of and he's got you know

a bit of a sort of name from a sort of like the Italian league and Spanish league but no one really knows what he's got, you know, a bit of a sort of name from a sort of like the Italian league and Spanish league, but no one really knows what he's about. And then he makes his debut and he's an absolute stinker. He misses like four open goals and fucking get sent off. And then everyone's going,

what the fuck? And I was like, why is Alex Ferguson signed this kid? That's quite a lot. Are you aware of what sort of happened? I mean, there's a couple of things that happened there. One,

you've compared yourself to some sort of wunderkind that's arrived from another club that goes and shows potential. I also said to you, you were brilliant. And then you went, not that night I wasn't, which is very, very revealing. No, I don't mean as a whole not that night I wasn't no I mean

have I been brilliant on other nights yeah yeah of course have I been brilliant have I been brilliant on most nights

probably but was I brilliant on that night I'd have to say even I would have to say no as a sign in I'd say that

I've started to play a bit better now at that point I'd'd say that I've started to play a bit better now at that point I'd arguably say that I look like yeah I look like Diego Forlan

I was like arguably everyone was sitting there thinking what the fuck is this guy doing nobody was thinking that I mean

in my head that's what I was thinking I mean there's a slight narcissism in you thinking that people think about it that much no don't you think that?

The next morning they went into Curve and they said, all right, shall we have the debrief about Tom Davis's work in progress yesterday? So what did you think? No, but people must have gone, there are some glimpses of flair, sure. Am I worried? Yes. Okay, is that McIntyre on the phone?

Can you just hold the call? Can you tell him we're calling back because we've got to get this Tom Davis debrief done. People would go back and go, I don't think he's really a stand-up. I don't think he's got the minerals. I think Off The Curb would have that discussion before... I don't think they would go, let's sign Tom Davis.

By the way, in a couple of weeks time do you want to go watch him in his work in progress see if there's anything about him once we've committed to it's very that happens like that very rarely

I'm not saying it hasn't happened but yeah do you know I at that point Tom to be fair to be fair to you

I'm being a prick the number of times I know I, I, at that point, Tom, to be fair, to be fair to you, I'm being a prick. The number of times, well, I'm aware, by the way, that you've, you've jumped in because you, you're conscious about the stuff you were saying about being very quiet and sort of solemn in the,

in the changing room beforehand. And now you've sort of pulled out your fucking Tommy gun and let me have it. I'm well aware of what you're doing, my baby. Um, we're 300 episodes in. Yeah. Yeah yeah i know you're trying to put the boot in but it's very difficult as you sort of lent in and you're the most of the frame is taken up with your orange paw This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution.

This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresame Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresame.com to learn more. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Why not kick back with a cold, smooth bush? smooth taste great value bush lager enjoy responsibly must be legal drinking age but anyhow i digress um we were talking about you. No, no, no. What I was going to say to you is, it's the first day that I signed for, like when Off The Curb told me they were signing me.

Yeah. I was, it was at a gig that they'd come to in Gravesend. Right. And for some reason, after they'd said that, I, that gig, you know, they said to me, they told me like before I like, before the gig started. And then they went off to watch the gig. And I went sort of into the dressing room to get ready for the gig.

And I had this paranoia that you're talking about, where I thought, they're going to have told me that they're signing me. I'm going to do the gig. And then they're going to go, can we have another chat? Do you know what I mean? Like, I mean, can you imagine? But yeah. But yeah, Fatiha is amazing.

So anyhow. So the point I'm trying to make is, well, two things, actually. This story's kind of slightly digressed. But the thing is, I know that Fatiha supports you. I became intensely paranoid about her comparing experiences. Although she did tell me that on one one of the nights she went over her allotted time and you really went in quite two-footed on her she said oh no i didn't that's something she said you really no no no no no let me let me just clarify what i mean because you've

got slightly nervous there you went in two-footed in quite a joke like she told me that like basically you roast each other is what she told me oh we took the mic out of each other yeah yeah and then and then what happened as friends do it and then what happened is is because she told me that i i sort of became concerned that i wasn't being as entertaining in my dynamic and then i would say she she did 26 minutes in cardiff and then which was meant to be 15 and then for like ever since then I've

yeah I've taken I've wound her up about it and she wants me yeah we give it to her when she brought you on stage did she give a bit of stank

and like take a minute out of you yeah yeah which I think is brilliant it's very affectionate but the the effect it had on me

was for me to take on a sort of a David Brent esque sort of quality of trying to work the you know I try to go like well bloody hell fatty you better not fucking you better not

overrun you better not overrun tonight because you do a dance did you I'll do a bit of I'll do a bit of banter on you and you'll call you you didn't do that dance you do, did you? No.

But it was bad. It was bad. Really? Yeah. I think I'm seeing her this weekend. Do you mean Fabio? Can you ask her how bad it was? Yeah.

Well, you know what I could do is I could get Fatia, undone before in the Wolf and Hour, to basically do a report on how you've been backstage, and then we could play it on the podcast. Why are you such a horrible, horrible man? I don't know. Your little face is so cute. You're like a little squirrel who's just fucking got back to his nest

and found out someone's eaten his nuts uh right tomo that was listen can i just say thank you uh to that the the member of staff at the airport that gave us such great content i i'm almost i almost almost part of me that believes that the reason that guy did it is so that he'd make it onto the podcast. He's actually a super fan. If he gave you an unpleasant experience, he would make it onto the podcast. Maybe he knew that me and you were so badly prepared that we have a deadline every week on a Tuesday morning.

And he knew, obviously it was a Monday night, that could be the thing. He'd be furious to know that I got back on the heating and my house was broken

because that could have easily overtaken yeah as you started talking about it he must be thinking oh

no I've not made the cut yeah I've done that big wind up telling all the boys yeah do you think

we should ever one day like as an experiment plan this plan what plan when we actually record it or no no the podcast like actually like but we should do a scripted one one day no we shouldn't i don't think i've got it in me to do a scripted no i don't know i said

i i regret it so much knowing how much we both find script writing difficult and also how much you hate script writing. Yeah. I mean, it's not only us that both know that. Anybody that's watched Avoidance or Romantic Getaway or even Reluctant Landlord will know how difficult I find scripted work. Oh, my little brother. Tomo, do you want to take us out?

Let's do it. Okay, go for it. Cold be the weather that flies. For once it was hot and now it's cold. And the world is turning round and round. And it never digresses me or never surprises me that when temperatures change and when moments change, it can make you feel a little bit anxious.

It can make you feel almost a little bit scared and sometimes that fear and that anxiety turns into anger and hate but no friend alas no remember change is important for as the world goes round it was whoever invented the earth and the sun and the moon's idea to say hey these people need more than one season otherwise it's going to get slightly boring for them and also for nature and stuff remember that change is important and not just change on a big scale like the changing of the seasons and the changing of age and stuff it's also the little things it's also changing sometimes just little moments of your life changing the people you surround yourself with. Sometimes you can find yourself in a rut, surrounded by people who just bring a sea of negativity and you become a part of the tide. Remember that that's not healthy for anyone.

So try every now and again to surround yourself with people who smile and laugh and find the joy in life. And that's exactly what life's about, finding the joy. Don't always look for happiness in the wrong places. Sometimes dig a little deeper and find a hole that just is nice to wallow in, because the water at the bottom of the well is that of joy and self-happiness. Thank you. Are you asking me to wallow in a well? Is that what the ending of that was? You're asking me to climb...

Is your moral, sometimes you've got to climb into a well? Your well of joy. Yeah. If I wanted to, I sort of wish that I'd said puddle in the end, but yeah, I was going for a really deeper thing.

I was going for... Yeah. I was really, really pushing that. Well, I really like that, Tom. Thank you for that. It's really great to have you back.'ve missed you yeah yeah i've missed you a lot so uh now listen chase and status i think we played one of the chase and status song recently but they've just brought out a song called liquor and cigarette i just say i've been tagged i think in this song quite a lot in the video there's someone who everyone seems to think looks like me in this is about the liquor and cigarettes or the badda-dum

It's literally the new tune of videos just coming up. Okay, and it'll go to boiler room. Oh, I say this person is Completely over that's one of chasing status Yeah, and he's completely overtaken my whole fucking and in that picture he looks like me a little bit here he doesn't i don't think no and in none of the other pictures he looks like me well but he's completely overtaken my to be fair i actually think he's getting a bit of a fucking tough ride there because yeah you know shout out to him he's got a lot more hair than I have do you know what happened

there is you said you've got a lot more hair than I have but you sort of went off for a second there and I think that was you sort of admiring his hair is that what happened then

yeah yeah I look at his hair there and think Christ I'd love to be able to slip my he can do anything with his hair

I bet he looks amazing coming out of a swimming pool and he'd be able to probably carry this orange look this orange fade that I've got now well JT can you take us out with Liquor and Cigarettes by Chase and Status coming out of a swimming pool. And he'd be all probably able to carry this orange look, this orange fade that I've got now.

Well, JT, could you take us out with Liquor and Cigarettes by Chase and Status? And guys, thank you so much. Thank you to Tom, who I really feel your holidays... Oh, by the way, we were talking about music. Well done. I've listened to your new tune, Smashed It. Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Thanks very much. Very good. Have you had good feedback? It's been very good. Well good. Have you had good feedback? It's been very good. Well, yeah, it's been a mix. So like people have been very positive on socials and I've been getting some messages. But every now and again, people go,

it's actually quite good what you've done, like that, which suggests to me that it isn't. Mate, I thought it was banging. I really did. I think you should be proud of yourself. And I that it isn't you know I thought it was banging I really did I think you should be proud of yourself and I think you should you know what

I think you should do that album that we talked about you doing okay done done no genuinely I think you should

I think you're one of life's great you see stuff you're a great observational comedian but also you can put that into sort of music and you're very talented so you should do but also you can put that into music,

and you're very talented, so you should do it. I think you will never forgive yourself if you get to leave this mortal coil and you've not tried to do an album. And if you fall flat on your face, it doesn't work, fuck it,

you've tried. But generally, I think you've got male ability. Because I think, I look at you, and it's one of your biggest favourite things in the world, and you could mate if I thought

for a second that I could fucking do any of the hobbies or fucking things that I really really enjoy watching to the level that you can actually rap

then I'd fucking go and do it I'd go fuck it it's fun I know I've seen you playing golf with Jimmy Bullard

which is genuinely one of the most embarrassing things in the world. That, guys... This is the difference. You can rap, and I watch you rap and go,

he's fucking really good at that. And he's not even having to fucking make self-deprecating jokes about it because he's really, really good. The only reason that I've actually, that golf thing's worked is because I had to fucking fall back on what me and you have fallen back on

our whole lives to fucking make, when things are shit and we're not very good at things yes we funny that i've seen i'd have i'd have looked at that video i know yeah it's been great and everyone seems to enjoy it i'd have much rather had a video where i fucking smashed the fucking driver and everyone gone fucking hell look he can actually play golf rather than oh he can't play golf but he's funny but listen i i recognize that obviously right but what i would say is your rant about losing golf balls is one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time it's hilarious man yeah which is very kind of you but i'd sooner

you were sitting here going you know what tom i actually watched you playing golf and thought fucking oh he's really really good at that he can actually probably get onto the fucking senior tour yeah he can probably win a couple of competitions hmm well so I think go for it I think let's do a poll let's get

Romesh on I think let's do and like you know what I think I'd love to I'd love to be involved would you like to do a little guest but why don't you do a little yes I'd like

to do I'll do some country singing and you do a rap. Okay, okay. All right. Yeah, okay, fine. We'll do a, yeah, all right. Okay, well, I can announce exclusively on the wall for now

that we are doing, I'm doing an album and Tom is going to guest on it. Wow. This is the other thing. If you are coming to the, can I just do a reminder, if you're coming to the Apollo i just remind if you're coming to the apollo show on the 2nd

of november and you've got a problem or anything that you want to email in about please do email us at willfairpod at gmail.com and make sure that you put in the header that you're going to be at the apollo show and you might we might read your ting out uh that's it i mean thank you so much love you guys take care bye bye love peace If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com.

That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.