Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 85: Live in London Pt. 1

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

The first of our extra special two part festive treat - it’s the Wolf and Owl Live in London! Recorded on 2nd November 2023 at the Hammersmith Eventim Apollo. Merry Christmas my guys and tune in next week for more… Make sure to check out our YouTube channel for extended video clips of the show. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last Requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler

That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship Let them see the whole thing

They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive innit, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog. Yeah, boy.

Where should we put these? Look at this. Thank you so much for coming to the world for now. Yes, Hammersmith. It's good to be here, isn't it? Yeah, it's great. I don't know what we do with these now. Well, I got given this ages ago.

Tom got given this more recently. He decided to make an Instagram clip out of it like a proper c***. Shall we put it down here? Yeah. Huh? No, this is my door. You can't take it. That'd be a weird thing. What about everyone else?

They've got dicks. Yeah, they've got penises as well. What a terrible start. Yours is a lot thinner than mine. Huh? Sri Lankan, isn't it? Thank you so much for coming to the Wolf and Hour, guys. We appreciate you.

We're very excited to be here. We sort of thought it was going to be empty because of the storms and all that. This is a pile of shit. I really do feel like I get nervous. If you've listened to the podcast, that's great, and I'm glad you're here. What I get nervous about is people that have said, you've got to come to see this live, because if you're sitting there going, I wonder when they're going to start,

we've started. This is it. This is our biggest one to date as well, on the basis we've got a film crew here, which is really exciting. By the way, I don't... Just to be full disclosure, I'm against this filming thing. Yeah, but I told Romesh there's a surprise when he got here, that we've got a film crew, it's like a behind-the-scenes doc.

You know, like Taylor Swift and people have. So we've got this really cool camera system and, yeah. Camera system? That's what they call it. You're so cool, aren't you? I sound like, yeah, like an old guy. We've got a camera system here. And then, yeah, so we've done some really cool behind-the-scenes stuff,

like getting me to go and sell some merch, but that didn't really work. Oh, yeah, let's talk about that. So, you know, like, so one of the things I get worried about with The Wolf and Out is, because I would say that I'm a shyer person than you are when it comes to, like, members of the public. And, Tom, like, what ends up happening is you come across as, like, the nicer to like members of the public and Tom like what ends up happening is you come across as like the nicer bloke out the team I don't think nicer but just more like I'm gregarious I'm out there having a bit of fun now thank you yeah like people love thirsty let's get out of this to sign some t-shirts. Oh, I'm going to stay here.

I said to Tom, I'll know how nervous you are by how quickly you dip into the voice. It's been two minutes. I tried to get it about five minutes ago. Yeah, yeah. So basically, obviously, the top... The merch, the filming, all of that is Tom Davis, right? So the merch Tom wanted to...

The merch store, by the way, I was told, was absolutely packed. So I said, oh, yeah, it's a real wanted to the merch store by the way I was told was absolutely packed so I was like oh yeah it's a real queue outside when I got there was no one there it was literally empty, no one knew there was a merch store even there until I stood next to it and I wasn't even allowed behind it well that's the other thing is that Tom decided that he was going to create some, those of you that follow Tom

on Instagram will know that he's decided to really push his social media content for some reason, bearing in mind look Tom's a brilliant stand up on Instagram will know that he's decided to really push his social media content. Like, for some reason, bearing in mind, I think, look, Tom's a brilliant stand-up. His show's quite sort of relaxed and whatever. If you saw his Instagram, you'd think he's fucking sceptre.

Like, he's, he's all this mad music, like, fucking mad time and all the shot. If you want to fucking join a party, come on down. I'm praying to both. Fucking mad vibes. Boom, get your fucking dicks out let's have a pie we're up against this place is all ramming places at night you want to give people a real experience yeah good they're out selling merch before the show or Tom was what much can be bothered Tom went out Tom wanted to go out to sell merch right he said he

said do you want to do it I I said, no. No disrespect to you lot, but I don't want to be near you. All right? So, no, I'm joking. I'm just shy. I get nervous, right? So Tom said, I'm going to go out there. So he wanders out there, right? We had this thing. He's got somebody on the phone so he can put it up on his Instagram. By the way, I will say this. What I thought was a camera crew, it was just a guy called Justin filming it on his phone. That's been an absolute waste of money. Because I could have got my mate James to do that.

So Tom went out there to work on the merch store, and it turns out he wasn't allowed behind the counter. So what it looked like was just Tom went out to the foyer. What it looked like is I went and brought about 40 T-shirts. I said, you can sell them on that side of the fucking merch store. I said, then I'm doing your job for you. So I'm walking around the crowd 40 t-shirts. They said, you can sell them on that side of the fucking merch. I said, then I'm doing your job for you. If I'm walking around the crowd selling t-shirts, it's a low, isn't it? Yeah.

We also signed 200 posters backstage. And one of the comments that Tom made to me, so the way we did it was we had the posters, I had the posters, I'd sign it, pass it to Tom, he'd sign it. The way we did it was we had the posters, I had the posters, I'd sign it, pass it to Tom, he'd sign it. He said to me, oh, your autograph is the same every time. Right. For context, what I was saying to you, right, is you've got to change it ever so differently every time.

No, you don't. Mate, have you never heard of forgery? We're not Nazis making... You're literally creeping through... I so worry about you, because there's people out there that are sharks, mate. You change it. Look, go through my... I'll tell you, they're out there for sale.

They're £15.99 each. They've been hand-signed. Well, to give you an idea, for Tom's idea of stopping forging, he signed a couple of them H from Steps. He signed one of them the bloke that played Frodo. Another one's Cliff Richards. There's a couple of them that aren't even signed played Frodo. Another one's Cliff Richards.

There's a couple of them that aren't even signed by him. So they're all unique and they've got a little bit of style. Exciting for all of you, anyone who buys one. And we will come round your house and frame them. We've done a course. So that's sort of it, really. Yeah, that's sort of the show. We're three hours together out the back. How have you been anyway?

All right. Good, yeah, yeah, good. Have you been to an Airbnb before? Tom, Tom, why do you talk to me? Like you constantly ask me questions like I've just arrived in the country. Mate, I know for a fact. When you... Mate, so let me ask you this. Have you heard of Tesco? You constantly ask me questions like I've just arrived in the country. I know for a fact. Mate, so let me ask you this.

Have you heard of Tesco? No, listen. My fucking thing is, I know when you go away, you go flexy. I don't go flexy. You go like, fill her out in Portugal next to Hollywood. This is bullshit. This is bullshit. I know that you like it big and you like it grand, right?

Such a wanker. So, yeah, we stayed here. I took the phone and stayed in an Airbnb. I'll never say one again. That's it for me. Okay. It was disgusting. It's not like you to make a blanket statement like that off one experience.

Tell me more about it, Tom. Number one, when we got in there, it stunk like a butcher's. You wouldn't have been able to... Whereas you're walking around with a massive hard-on, I imagine. Where's the meat? Going through drawers, they've left it here somewhere. It smells like a full rack of ribs.

That's red meat, mate. Cat, get yourself ready, there's going to be a right old session coming on now. Big Tom can smell ribs. First of all, why were you going to an Airbnb? Can you give a bit of context? It was a nice little family trip. My mum and dad. So this is a holiday thing?

Yeah, a little few days away. Where were you going? We went to Banbury, because my dad's got a thing where he found... He traced his family... Traced his family tree so that they live in Banbury. Okay. He thought that would be a little bit more high profile.

So hold on, hold on. See, this is like part of the thing where your dad's tracing. Well, we've realised now that I won't be on that fucking show where you get asked to go and trace your family back. So we're sort of making it ourselves. That's what these blokes are doing here. They're filming that for us. This is a sort of family movie. So we found out that they were from Banbury. So we went to Banbury. I don't know why we went to Banbury because we didn't sort of we went to Banbury, because we didn't go door knocking or going through cemeteries looking at places where... What an insane fucking thing that would be.

Have you seen that family of seven-foot people just knocking on everyone's doors, asking if they happen to be related to us? You're not a Davis, are you, mate? No, no, all right. Anyone down the street, just we would hear it and we threw it. It's the bigger place than we thought. Going through cemeteries. It was raining, so we didn't do that. It would have been quite depressing

as a holiday activity. But the downstairs... So, what was the... You went to Banbury for what, though? What was the aim? I think it was just, you know, that feeling we just wanted to feel sort of like a kinship to our ancestors. So you wanted to go to Banbury, like, you know when they, like, people go back to theirhip to our ancestors. So you wanted to go to Banbury. You know when people go back to their roots, you just pick up the soil and go, Banbury.

Like that. Is that what you're hoping to do? I just thought, you know what, I'd fill an affinity with the place. Right. I didn't. I've never felt sort of less of an affinity to anyone I've ever been in my life. So you had a spiritual journey to Banbury. Yeah, I mean, It's fucking tragic actually.

Now I know why they haven't been asked to do that programme. Because that would be absolutely maybe the most boring hour of TV ever, wouldn't it? You see Tom Davies is on, who do you think you are? He went to Banbury for an afternoon. Too boring for TV. No one knew him. Too boring for TV, but he smashes a story out at the Apollo. Saving all the gold stuff for the lives.

So we went there, yeah, and actually from the outside it looked alright. They were having a swimming pool built, which was always a kick in the teeth because they'd said they had a swimming pool there. It was just a big hole in the garden. Actually, I knew it was going to be bad because I hadn't picked up any of the dog shit in the garden. That was disgusting. Thank you. I was overgrown.

Yeah, and then the place, it was like literally living in someone else's house. I mean... Do you do it on purpose? I can't figure it out. No, no, no, look, let me just put this into context. Airbnb-wise, I like the allure. There's a sense of, bit of flirting that someone else lives there. I don't want fucking old pants in drawers.

Me and Catherine got there, went into their own suite, there's a pair of pyjama trousers holding on the back of the door. Hanging, not holding, they weren't like that. Like the fucking life of their own. It was insane. And it was also not kicked out for a baby. Grace is very intrigued by everything at the moment. So yeah, it was quite dangerous.

I had a mad one actually, because I went to get like a... I was hungry earlier, so I went to buy some sandwiches. And I went to this place and they had sandwiches and stuff. I know this is a prick thing you're doing, by the way. It's not a prick thing. No, because you licked your lips. You just went like... You're like a guy in a fucking joust.

Yeah. Looking at the other guy going, he's not even got a fucking horse. He's forgot his shield, this ****. Anyway, I picked up a sandwich and I was going to walk out. Look at you. You can't even control your foot. If we were to pull your trousers down,

you'd have a... You're like that. If we were to pull your trousers down, you'd have a bite. You're like that. Get it out. Slow it down, Rob. Slow it down. You've got him on the ropes. Change leg. But don't change leg. There's no point in finishing it now. Well, it's not going to work now. You sort of shat all over it.

We're putting up a guard. Yeah, so yeah, it was a bit of a rough old stay if I'm honest with you. Catherine's written quite a review of the place. Is that the end of the story? Is that the end of the story? Well, no, the story, if I'm honest with you, the story deflated when you started going on about a sandwich, because I knew what you were doing. You were going to go, I brought a sandwich and it said cheese, and guess what it had

in it? Cheese. Oh, isn't that weird? Zing. That wasn't actually, I was going to do a whole other bit. I know, I know, there's probably a bit more depth to it. Yeah.

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So how long were we there? We were there for a few days. We had a nice little Halloween disco. It was quite cool. Yeah. Yeah. Do you dance? Not really.

I'm not a big dancer, no. Actually, what we're talking about, we had a really awkward thing backstage just before we came on. Graz, the tour manager, gave us a really nice little fist bump and then me and Romesh sort of went to fist bump and then I sort of went to give him like a cuddle or like to sort of say good luck and then I thought I'll just give him a little kiss on the cheek and then ended up sort of like, he turned his head really quickly.

It was like every... Do you know what, I was trying to avoid... It felt like Tom was really going for... It felt like he gripped me up and he thought, finally, this is my fucking moment. So I turned my head away, and he basically tongue-kissed my glasses. Like, as the theme tune was playing,

I was like, this fucking hell... He's a fucking filthy. He's got all his fucking, he's got kebab juice all over it. I laughed and then my tongue came out and they went all over his glasses. And I felt really, I did feel bad. Yeah. I thought you were going to talk about the fact that Graz let us get

because basically the cat and the swan are here tonight. Yeah. I won't, I won't, we won't draw attention to them because Lisa was moaning about how whenever I shout around the show. Yeah, because last time you got her to stand up and put a spotlight on her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she doesn't, she said she doesn't want to publicly be humiliated

like that. She doesn't want people to know how much she has settled. But, so we went to another changing room. Graz, tour manager for Bofors, was gracious enough to let us use his dressing room. And Tom fucking did the biggest shit in his toilet. Right, let me just say, right, we had Lisa, Catherine, my sister, Flo, everyone was in our changing room. We'd been taken over. It was a sort of nice, sort of ambient place.

I thought, I can't go to the toilet there. And then Graz was kind enough to say we could get changed in his... Yeah, get changed. He didn't say change your guts. And I've got to say, like, I had quite a spicy lunch, and we were very much sort of dipping into Pebble territory. That's why I went out to the merch store. What are we, the fucking farce show now? You're doing catchphrases. Hey, leave it at you, sweet, sweet soul. Anyway, carry with the story.

Take it to the max. But no, I'm not much of a dancer. I've got no rhythm at all. You can dance. No, no. We've seen it. I find dancing weird. You're an amazing dancer.

No, I'm not. Look, if we're going to talk about social media, I'd say, if I was to look at your social media, I think there's a good chance you're probably more of a dancer than sometimes a comedian. You've got a lot of videos of you dancing. You'll do it at the end of the show. Sorry, you can't just scream dance at me like I'm a...

Not in the first act, anyway. Right to the second half. Yeah, sure, I'd do a dance for you. What else would you like to see? Stick 50p in my ass, I'll do whatever you want. You can dance, though. You're a good dancer. No, I was just asking because I was just wondering if, like...

Because, obviously, I've never been around your house or anything, but, like, if we're in a social situation, if we're out at a bar or whatever, and it got to that point where people... I'm a bar leaner. I'd lean at the bar and watch her dancing and probably tap my toe a little bit. I danced a little bit with my daughter. She's not even two, and I looked at her,

and she was like, oh, my God. She knows what dad dancing is already at two. She was a bit embarrassed. Sort of walked off to some other kids and was like, oh, no, I'm not with him. Like humiliating. What about you? Because your kids, you dance, if you were to go, say Theo had a house party tomorrow, I had some friends there, and they would listen to some tunes. Would you sort of like go down and go, oh bloody hell, what's this? And sort of like have a little, would you have a bar? If Theo was having a party and I went downstairs

and went, oh, that's how it was going on, kids. I see you're listening to that new Jay Huss. That's quite a dope flex. And then started dancing. I would fully expect Theo to jump out of the window and never come back to our house ever again. And I would respect him for that.

Listen, mate, I don't mind embarrassing my kids, but that's some next-level shit. No, but do you ever dance at home? Are you a home dancer? Am I a home dancer? It's not like you go to a nursing home dancing. Hello, Elsie. Hello, Brian. Are you all right? We've got a real message. He's going to do a dance for you.

He's quite exotic-looking, so he's got some moves. I thought he was a comedian. Let him do his dance first. That's what he's here for primarily. Am I a home dancer? No. Do you dance around the house? You and Lisa dance. Do you dance? Is there a time

when the music takes your soul and you just feel yourself move into a rhythm? Occasionally, yeah, I would say so. There's been times where I sort of do it more jokerly, do you know what I mean? Like, you know, playing something and then I sort of try. Look, the reason I'm hesitating is because more often than not,

Lisa will be in the kitchen and I'll try and grind up on her. So, like, she'll be, like, doing the washing up. I'll put some music on and I'm just like... Lady in Red's playing. Like that. Just, like, absolutely going for it. And then she'll just be like this. Rom, I'm doing the kids' fucking dinner.

Phil Collins playing in the background. Like a fucking puppy's humping her leg or something like that. What about you? I know you sing to musicals and shit, right? Yeah, I sing to musicals and shit, right? Yeah, I sing to a musical. I literally, like, I don't genuinely dance in front of a cafe before, and she's just gone, like, seriously, don't do that.

It's like, yeah. It's, I've got, yeah, I've got no rhythm at all. Really? Yeah, yeah. If I'm drunk enough, I'll sometimes dance and embarrass. Yeah. What do you do? That'll be the thing that I find, like, when you see a picture and you just sort of see you sweat in the middle of a dance floor and just...

Oh, God, no. You hope you've got a friend sort of kind enough who's going, Come on, mate. Come on. Come on. Let's get you back to the bar. Get some water down, yeah? Did you dance at weddings? Yeah, at my wedding we danced a bit, yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, wedding, we had a first dance, yeah. What was your first dance?

Oh, fuck. So delighted that Kat's here tonight. Oh, I can't believe it, you don't know. delighted that Kat's here tonight? Oh, I can't believe it. You don't know. Oh, fuck. It's literally gone from my head. Really? Yeah. Who did that, by the way, to make it even worse?

You didn't have to be so loud when you went... Unless that was Catherine. How was the wedding? The wedding was amazing. It was the best day of my life. Do you remember who it was? It was Kat, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any other details from the day that you remember?

Because obviously you don't give a shit about the big parts. No, it was an amazing time. It's just the song's gone out of my head. It's really annoying. It's so weird, isn't it? The way that you emotionally connect with people and things. You loved this, didn't it? Like, the way that you sort of emotionally connect with people and things. You love this, don't you?

Yeah. It's like, if somebody emails in, you remember every detail of their email. They're one of the most incredible people you've ever had contact with in your entire life. You'd love to meet them for a drink. They're one of the most special people. And then I ask you what your first dance was at your wedding day. And you've got no fucking clue. If I was to ask you what triggered you diving off the stage at the end of one of your tour

shows, like you think you're Mick fucking Jagger, you'd have an exact idea. I think it was just to sort of make sure everyone knew that the show was over. Because I could have probably just gone on and dribbled on. It was an amazing day. You've just redone your vows, right?

Yeah, we have just redone our vows. Have you mentioned that? No, I wasn't going to talk about it publicly. Okay. You know what? I'm joking. There's times when I say things. I'm joking. If we could do a slow-mo of what's happened there, right? This is my brain.

Deflect, deflect, deflect. And this is the words coming from my mouth. And as they got about here and out into the ether, I thought, I shouldn't have probably said that. That's probably why we should discuss what we're going to say. I could tell, just by sitting there, your arsehole just went... Yeah. I don't need a pebble, it's all out now.

Yeah, at least you and I renewed our vows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't need a pebble, it's all out now. Yeah, Lisa and I renewed our vows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? Do you know, there's certain things that mean a lot, and it's Lisa and I renewing our vows getting less of a cheer than Tom doing my voice. That, that, it really means a lot. Thank you, guys. I sort of got a bit worried about us for any of ours, because normally it's like, people sort of go,

why have they done that? Do you know what I mean? I think it's a beautiful thing, man. But I was just doing it to double lock it down. Yeah, no. Double lock it down. Did you have another first dance? Did we have a first dance?

Another first, like a second dance. Well played, Tom Davis. No, we did. No, we didn't have a first dance like that. It wasn't like a specific song. We just sort of... I can tell you how. I can reenact it. I like the idea that she's at the bar with her friends and you just walked over and went,

hello, pretty lady. Fancy a dance? It's late in the evening no how it went was hello pretty lady fancy a dance she went no no basically how it went was this

the dance went like this she was stood there I was just like this and she was Rob I'm just trying to enjoy the day I'm spilling my baileys can you fuck off please no it was really nice it was really nice.

It was nice of you to come. Oh, no, that's right. You didn't bother. No, I was... No, I was genuinely gutted. I was genuinely gutted that I couldn't be there. I was gigging. You know, it was like... I looked at all sorts of ways of getting down. Pardon? Well, I looked at it and thought, how would I get there?

And then thought, well... How would I get there? No, no. I thought, is it a big enough thing to be in a helicopter for the first time and I thought I'm scared of helicopters sorry do you do you are you aware that you said all of that out loud is it a big enough thing for me to get in a helicopter for the first time I've got a thing with helicopters because when we did League of Rome they told me I was too overweight to be in a helicopter I'm talking time. I've got a thing with helicopters, because when we did Legally Home, they told me I was too overweight to be in a helicopter. Talking really quickly, do you know what's happening now

is you're shitting yourself about how this is going, right? No, no, no, no, no, what I feel bad about is when you asked me, I turned around and said, look, I can't do it, I've got a gig. And you said, that's disappointing. And then I could hear in your voice that you were upset. And I couldn't cancel the gig. But then I did sort of say to you,

look, I mean, if there's a way of getting down... But I was in Newcastle, of all places. So, which is great, if you ever want to go and do a gig. I just want to... Tom Davis is... Well, first of all, if you'd have turned up at my house in a fucking helicopter I mean now I look at it that would have upstaged everything

wouldn't it in a way I'd have looked like an absolute helmet yeah just seeing a helicopter struggling to get a safe landing you hanging out the side of it the party's started now bitches I've got half an hour

Tom can you just stay inside the aircraft, please? Yeah, but now, because you're on tour, and it's a great tour, by the way. Yeah. Again, the tour, bigger shout than the vow renewal, but that's cool. You're starting to talk to me like I've never done stand-up before. No, no, no, but I was saying...

The other day you went, I don't know if you've ever gigged in Newcastle. Like, you're fucking telling me how to do it. You know, the thing about microphones, mate, is you've got to be careful of the technique and that, do you know what I mean? What's going on with you? No, I just was like, look, man,

if you ever gig in Newcastle, it's an incredible thing. Yeah, like you've discovered Newcastle., if you ever kick in Newcastle, it's an incredible city. Yeah, like you've discovered Newcastle. It gets a bit lively in Newcastle, does it, Tom? No, but I thought helicopters, yeah, just too excessive. There's not like a bullet train that I could have got. Did you look, bullet train from Newcastle to... I can imagine you Googling, bullet train, Newcastle to

Rom's house. Do you know the one thing I'd say I think could be quite an interesting thing to look at travel-wise, right, is like speedboats that just went round the country rather than through it. Do you think you'd never meet any traffic? Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. Tom. No, like...

No, before you carry on, before you carry on, I just need to deal with one piece of bullshit at a time. Alright? No, no, so no before you carry on Before you carry on I just need to deal with one piece of bullshit at a time All right, no speed boats that travel round the country rather than through it You know, first of all, no no before you get in your high horse and start criticizing I've a little odd really like see high horses High horses could be a really good This is dragon stem pitch, right? You look at it and you think,

fucking hell, the traffic's bad, the trains are slow. If you could literally just get to a coastal place, jump in a speedboat, because there's no traffic, mate, at all, and then hug the shoreline, you could be around the country really good. Do you really think you fucking just invented that? Boats going around the outside?

No, I haven't seen anyone else do it. I'm saying now it's not a bad idea. Tom, just because you haven't seen anyone else do it. Tom, just because you haven't seen anyone else do it, it doesn't mean it's not happening. This fucking life that you lead, if you haven't seen it happening, it can't happen.

Have you seen it? What? A boat going round the outside? I fucking do it every fucking holiday, bro. Like, what are you talking about? You can't get a taxi boat round the country. You can't get a taxi boat? Are you fucking shitting me? No, what, could you, what, if I went,

well, I need to get from Newcastle to Brighton, near Romesh's house, right, as quick as I can, I don't, I didn't look, because that would be too much, but... What's happening here? No, but there's not a boat, there wasn't a boat way that you could do it, I don't think. No, this is a different thing now, OK?

What you're saying is there isn't a boat that would take you from your gig to my house. That's different to say they don't have boats that travel round the country. No, what I meant is if literally I could go, if I could hug the coastline, right? Tom, Tom, Tom. I could then probably cut down to Thames, right?

Cut inland and get to York, and I could be there in about... Well, actually, I'm thinking about it. For just a bit quicker in a train. You know what blows my mind is, you're sitting there, there might be somebody that's involved in boats going, fuck, Jesus Christ. Mate, if there's any sailors or mariners here... Mariners?

If there's any mariners... What you've done is you've combined Mariners with the magazine Marie Claire. But if there's anyone here, any seaworthy friends who want to get in touch and they think that this could be a business, then I'm happy to be the face of it. Oh, we can have like wolf in our boats. Oh, that doesn't really work because they're both, one flies and one's a land animal

You need like a dolphin in a flex Okay, so if there's any mariners out there that are willing to be the dolphin for the Wolf, Owl and Dolphin podcast that Tom's going to launch specifically for this endeavour We have got the swan, it could be the swan

Anyway, he didn't come to the wedding, that's the point Yeah, Newcastle's banging It was an incredible uh incredible day though right i saw the pictures that looks amazing yeah yeah it was and i was happy for you man i smiled it's weird isn't it because like you sort of say we're friends and this is probably i would say the only time i really meet you is when there's some sort of profit to be had from you because I know that you

I knew that you were going to turn up here even though you left the dressing room for a bit to work the merch stall but I knew you were going to turn up here but you've never invited me to your house and when I do invite you to my house you don't turn up you know in December i'd love you to come home oh you know what december you're filming through december the 15th right i know

what it'll be like i've got i'd love you to come around you and lisa we'll cook you some food right put on the old davis ritz right have a bit of a laugh right you bring the kids as well we'd love to see the boys my godchildren they godchildren. They're not your godchildren. They're not your godchildren. We'll put a little disco on. In fact, what they know you as, they don't know you as Godfather Tom. They know you as that man who ate all the biscuits.

Hey, I will say now, me and Alex signed out those biscuits together. Yeah. And I actually felt bad about that when I sat there eating, yeah. After I noticed there was no biscuits left, and I saw Lisa look down and go, what?

Biscuits left. I felt pretty, I was like, oh no, I've eaten all the biscuits. And I thought it would be a weird thing to go to Tesco's on the way home, then come back to yours, knock on the door and go, oh, by the way, here's some biscuits for the biscuits we ate. That would be an insane thing to do, wouldn't it? It would have oh, by the way, here's some biscuits for the biscuits we ate. That would be an insane thing to do, wouldn't it? It would have been. Yeah, it would have been weird.

Did you think it was strange to take one from Alex's hand as he was going to eat it? Why haven't you invited me to your house? No, no, but we've just moved in. We're both busy. Like, at the time when you invited us round, it was like we were both in that sort of slew time where we didn't really have a lot going on.

What time? Slew. Slew? It's a word I've invented. What does it mean? It's not, but, like, it's probably, like, more sort of debonair way of saying slow. Okay.

So when you say you've invented a word, what you mean is you've mispronounced one that already exists. No, no, no, no, this one, no, no, I think slew sounds better than slow. Like in the context in which I'm saying it. Right. I think if you go as a slow time, you think, oh, fucking hell, jeez. Well, you understand.

Yeah. So if I was to turn around and go, oh, that slew time that we had, people would go, oh, wow, what's going on here? No, no, no, they won't. They'll go, sorry, I don't understand what you just said. And then I'd go, okay, well, you're a bastard. Well, it's a way of saying slow, and then they'll go, why doesn't this fucking moron just say slow? All right, look, I'm sitting there chatting to someone. Ella, mate, how are you? Oh, bloody hell. Went round Romesh's house the other day, and a bit, well, I was both having a bit of a slew time.

What? Sorry, are you okay? Am I okay? I'm just talking. Sorry, what is the scenario here? I'm doing a role... Why am I sat here, if you're having a chat with someone over there? You're a guy in a bar,

I'm in a bar talking to my mate, and you're over... Explain the fucking context of the role play. As far as I know, what's happened is, you've been in the middle of a conversation with me, and you've gone, hold on a minute, and you've turned to talk to someone else, and then I'm looking at you because you just turned away.

You go, sorry, have you got a problem? Yeah. I thought we were having an evening together. And just randomly, you started talking to fucking nobody who sat over there. And then having a go at me. No, look, okay, here's my mate Jeff, right? Right. So in this context, I'm sat talking to you, and you've got an invisible friend. No, no, no, no. Jeff's here, right? Right. So in this context, I'm sat talking to you and you've got an invisible friend. No, no, no, no.

Jeff's here, right? Yeah. And you've just walked into the bar. Okay. You've come in. I'm in my local. You've been here two or three times. You've moved to the area.

Oh, you don't need that much context, mate. You feel like you're struggling. Okay, here we go. Oh, yeah, no, I was round that Romesh's house the other day. Hold on, am I Romesh in this? Because it's fucking weird for me to come in and sit down. You know Romesh is here. And when you go, oh, I fucking went to that Romesh's house.

And I'm sat right here, bro. No, you just walked in and then I go, oh, shit, is he behind me? So you haven't noticed I'm here? No, no, no. Actually, in this, you're not even Romesh, right? Your name's Michael Davenport. You've recently moved to the area. You've got a successful boat taxi service.

So I'm talking to Geoff, you go. Business is a little bit slew at the moment. See? It works! It works. We didn't even need the roleplay. Sorry. Sorry, Geoff. Cheers, mate. Thank you. Fucking hell, I'll lick my moment. moisturizing body wash is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich indulgent experience. Treat your senses with NuoLite Indulgent Moisture Body Wash.

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I always find these silences are a lot easier on the podcast. Oh, mate, it's like a lot of, like, listen, you know, to let you behind the curtain, when we're just talking shit, if it's just us two on a Zoom, it feels easy, doesn't it? And also, before we start doing the record, there's a lot of stuff that one day, I think, when we come to the end of our careers, we should release the stuff

that we say before we start recording. Because, you know, you really... A lot of people think... Let's be honest. A lot of people think you're a really nice guy, but you go in two-footed on most of the people in the industry before you start recording. You're very much an enabler of that as well. Enabler?

I'll send you the Zoom link. I don't ask you to be a c*** for an half an hour. Yeah, go on. Jesus, I'm swearing so much. Sorry guys, I'm swearing so much, man. Yeah, go on. Jesus, I'm swearing so much. Sorry, guys, I'm swearing so much, man. I'm sorry about that. You worry about your swearing.

I do worry about it. I need to sort it out. It's bad. I worry. We had quite a heated discussion the other day because I swear a lot at home. Yeah. And, yeah, Grace is now mimicking a lot of words.

Right. So, yeah, now we're in a situation where I've really got to stop swearing at home. I'm thinking of just, like, oh, God, it was horrible, but... I'd work on that as well, if I was you. Yeah. One thing at a time, Ron, let's not rush.

Sad that I actually am taking more training than my baby, but, yeah, so now it's like we're in a bit of a worried sort of spot where sort of, yeah, well, I am. Catherine doesn't swear, really, so, yeah. I now try not to swear at all. It's at home. What's happening to you right now?

I don't know. Can I tell you what's happening? In the last sort of minute or so, we were doing sort of quite a lively podcast, and then suddenly I felt like I was on the South Bank show. You sort of start going, well, anyway, the thing is, it's just... I like to become... Learnedly.

I find myself in a situation where... I like to become quite learned. You know, we bring up the children and you... You don't want them to be swearing, so I'm in a situation... I like the idea of... One must work on the profanity. You really started to sort of get into that. I know, I know.

My energy, as soon as I started talking about yeah, swearing, I've started like I've worried about swearing again not that Grace is going to watch this yet she'll watch this in years to come and go oh, is that what Dad used to do? yeah oh God

did you have a little tremor? yeah, that's horrible and Grace is sitting there going, oh my God, why is he talking like that? Was he an intellectual man? Not really. No.

He was once surprised that maggots became flies. Well, he lost... And then he accused the person that told him of lying. Of course, he lost all of our money on that elaborate boat scheme. Yeah, but it's a worry. Do you have that worry with your boys about swearing? Yeah, but I...

Because Lisa, she's not a big swearer, right? Lisa's not a big swearer, no. But because I swear so much, she's sort of become... She doesn't react to when I swear, but she doesn't want the kids swearing too much. What's happened is, and this is something that I haven't really talked to Lisa about,

is that I've told the boys they're allowed to say whatever they want in the house. Oh, you've allowed swearing? Well, because I think it's funny. I do think it's funny and clever, and I also do think that, you know, I think they are going to... It's weird stopping them from doing something

that is going to be okay for them to do. I mean, I know it's different for alcohol and smoking or whatever but like Grace is drinking and smoking we're fine with that swearing is actually Charlie did a thing the other day we went away for the weekend

and Charlie our youngest basically Lisa and I we're not offended by them swearing, but they know that they shouldn't swear outside of the house, right? It's not appropriate. And I'm not saying, they're not coming up going, all right, dad, you fucking c**t. Like, it's not like that, but like occasionally they will do or whatever, right? Anyway, the other day, you know how paranoid I get about everything?

You and I both get paranoid about everything. Imagine this. The other day, you know how paranoid I get about everything? You and I both get paranoid about everything. Imagine this. Wake up in the morning, sitting watching a bit of TV, having a nice breakfast at this hotel with the family, about to go away filming,

so I'm having a nice weekend away with Lisa and the kids. Airbnb? Pardon? Airbnb or...? No, it's a hotel. So weird. They were charging us for everything. It's like they were trying to make money out of it or something. It's some sort of business.

Anyway, I was sat there. Charlie comes over to me and he goes, how are you, Dad? Are you okay? And I said, yeah, I'm good, thank you. And he goes, can you smell shit? Charlie, say my name. And I said to him, does my breath stink?

And he said, no. I said, okay, but can you understand why I think it might? Because you came over and you sat next to me, and you said, how are you? I responded, and then you said, can you smell shit? And this is how sad I feel for my children. He realized that he was about to send me into a spiral. So he said, no, I don't think it's that, Dad. I think it must be the bathroom over there.

I said, really, Charlie? Because your face was here. And I don't reckon when you said, can you smell shit, that was coming from the bathroom. I said, if I was to give you two options of where you thought the smell of shit was coming from do you think it was A the bathroom that's the other side of the hotel room or do you think it's B your dad's mouth that was right in front of your nose oh man and then he said I think your breath smells

jeez was it had you brushed your teeth you don't know pre-breakfast do you no well I do but it's like it's one of those relaxed do do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Anything goes.

You know, we're not brushing our teeth. We're all the time. Yeah, Lisa's not wiping her arse. It's pretty fast and loose on that weekend. I'm so sorry, Lisa. Sorry for giving away that secret. Sorry for giving away that secret. She does wipe.

She's very hygienic. Sorry, I shouldn't have said any of that. Not on a weekend, though. I'm all right, darling? Was it a nice... Was it a nice... Oh, wow. Lisa? Somebody lost a dog.

Was it a nice weekend, though? It was a great weekend, man. Really good. Any activities? Yeah. Thank you. No, it was like we stayed in this sort of tree house. It's not really a tree house.

They call it a tree house. There's a hot tub. Was it in a tree? No, otherwise you want to be going, you've just told me I'm staying in a fucking tree house and that's not up a tree. Or was that just called it, the room was called the tree house? No, I would

describe it as tree themed. What, so it was wood? Yeah. Yeah. Like a cabin, you were staying in a cabin? Yeah yeah but it was sort of there's trees around it was a cabin in the woods you're basically staying

at centre parks you tried to sell it as if it was a tree house it sounds like it was just yeah yeah well listen you went on a spiritual journey

to Banbury so we've all made mistakes haven't we no I imagine for the boys when you were like oh we're staying in a tree house and you got there it was like

oh okay well you know it was done like a tree house there's a ladder they had to climb a ladder to go treehouse, and you got there, it was like, oh, okay. Well, you know, it was done like a treehouse. There's a ladder. They had to climb a ladder to go up to their room and shit like that. It was all set out like a cool sort of version of a treehouse. It was all sort of adventuring and shit like that. What adventures were there?

Huh? What adventures? Well, trying to convince Lisa to have sex with me. That was an adventure. I'm looking forward to the interval now. She's going to be fucking furious. We went for a walk down to the beach. I don't... What's your attitude towards walking?

Because, like... Well, it's quite essential. towards walking because like well let me let me let me be that actually feels like a very me question yeah um no what i mean is like what i mean is is that we were at we were at the hotel and like there's a beach about 25 minutes walk away right yeah so lisa said to me let's go for a walk to the beach so that that is the activity. You walk to the beach, you stay there for a bit, you walk back, right? Yeah. That's what you're doing. As soon as I start doing it,

I'm just thinking I need to get there so we can get back. Like, I want the thing to be fucking over as quick as possible. You don't think about enjoying the beach? I do enjoy the beach, but it's like, it's October. Do you know what I mean? So like... Well, we're in a situation where Grace hates sand. Right.

Yeah, so she can't have sand. So beaches are out for us in the future now. She's just not having it. As soon as you put her near the sand, she would cause her legs, and she's like, pick me up. It's terrifying. Yeah, Charlie did that.

Did he? Yeah. How did you get him out? We just keep putting him in the sand. Really? Yeah. Okay, well, maybe I'll just get a sand pit, and if he wanted to... Well, the choice is you put your kid in the sand. Yeah. Okay, well, maybe I'll just get a sand pit and every morning...

Well, it's the choice is you put your kid in the sand. If I'm honest with you, I'm not a big fan of the sand myself. Oh, here we go. No, no, I... Don't tell me the sand's having itself. No, but all the gods... I feel like the sand really fucking wrecked itself. You look at all the other substances, like soil and glass and shit like that.

It's basically what I was going to say. Of all the terrain, like this floor here, grass, mud, cement, the one I'm having leased is sand. Sand can't go over anything else. You look at sand and you think, oh, you've got to change your shoes, your socks. It literally gets up your bum. It's fucking terrible, sand. Look, let it be itself, but don't fucking, you can't

expect it to be, like, the same as wood. What does that mean? What does that mean? Nobody has ever expected sand to be the same as wood. You say mental shit. No, but I look at life... Why can't sand be the same as fucking wood? I look at life and I think

the best bit about a beach is often a pier. Or a promenade. It's a bit of wood that you put round it and it sounds quite pretty to look at but I'm not having it to walk on what does that mean? I just don't like you don't like a sandy beach, is that what you're saying?

no I don't want to look at it, I can look at it from a distance or in a picture you would look do you want to go down a beach and just have a look at it from a distance or in a picture. That would look nice. You would look... Do you want to go down to the beach and just have a look at it? But you've been on a beach. Every holiday you go to the beach, don't you? Yeah, I've been on beaches before.

No, I'm not asking if you've ever been on a beach before. What I'm saying is every time you go on holiday, you go to the beach, right? Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, okay. So when you say you're not having sand... No, look it every holiday. Okay, look, if I'm going to contextualise what I think of sand, right? Sand's a fella who comes down the pub. I'm not keen on him, but he's a mate of a mate. I know this story, then eventually you agree to do a podcast with me. No, go on. No, but I'll be sitting in the pub and someone will go, oh, Kevin's here.

And I'll go, hello, mate. You all right? I didn't know you were coming down here today. And that'll be sand. That's how I've... Do you want a drink? Is that the story? It's so bad.

Your build-ups are always longer than the actual point of the story. I know, yeah, yeah. No, but I think always longer than the actual point of the story. No, but I think everyone knows what I think about sand. Any confusion? Yeah. Sorry, sorry, guys. I know the standards have dropped for entertainment generally. Do not have fucking applaud somebody going,

I'm not sure about sand. That really is the beginning of the end. I don't mind sand. I'll tell you what, when that applause went, I was very much considering jumping into the crowd. You know, I mean, listen. So hold it, you walk to the beach

and then you want to walk straight back. What I'm saying is, as soon as we started the walk, Can I ask you one thing? Did you have your towel under your neck the whole way you walked? No, I just, it was like, it was cult. I was like, we started the walk, I'm just thinking... Can I ask you one thing? Did you have your towel under your neck the whole way you walked? No. I was just... It was like...

I was about to say we were in hiking gear. We weren't. You were in hiking gear? No, we weren't. We weren't. We had coats on. You didn't have walking boots on, did you? No.

Actually, I got into... I got rinsed by the family for this because I wore a pair of nice trainers and I... Yeah, you'd be careful of that sand, man. Who just went, ha? Fucking Nelson Muntz out of The Simpsons. No, but you've got to be careful with sand and nice tracks. No, hold on a sec, Tom. Who the fuck was that, man?

No, I'm joking. Yeah, go on, sorry. It was Lisa. It was Lisa. They're doing their own shit now. I know. I wondered if we could get any lower. We could tap out.

Let them just amuse themselves. So you get to the beach. You don't go for a run on the beach or jump into the sea. It was just really dangerous. It was really dangerous? It was really windy. There's waves coming over the thing. It's pretty rough. Do you know what I mean?

So would you just sort of then walk back? Yeah. You just had a go at my fucking story about sand. No, I was saying... We walked to the beach and we walked back because the wind was up. It wasn't a story. I was asking you a question about walking. Right, OK. Yeah.

And then you started asking me for details. I gave you the details and you made me feel like a prick for giving you the details. That's what happens. But what's your emphasis on walking? That's what I'm saying. Walking is shit. Walking's amazing. In what way is it amazing? I just think walking, right?

I think walking, number one. Yeah, I see walking. I see walking a lot. You're in a pub. And someone you take for granted, but your fucking love walks in. Let's call him Harry. And Harry comes in, and you just go, do you know what, Harry? I use you all the time.

I depend on you. But sometimes I take you for granted. Listen, if I could say something to you out there, what I would say is sometimes put your arm around Harry, and you say, Harry, do you know what? You're a fucking sweet, sweet soul. Something like that. I would say that

we've been doing the podcast long enough to say, yeah, that's exactly what Jenny was going to say. Pretty much word for word. Okay. Well, listen. Guys, that brings us to our interval. Congratulations. We're going to take a little bit of a break.

Then we're going to come back and we've got some emails sent in from you guys. I'm going to have a look at those emails. And we're going to see if we can help you guys out. So, hope you enjoy the first half. Cheers, guys. Thank you. Enjoy your break. We'll see you guys after the interval. Thank you very much.