Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 86: Live in London Pt. 2

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

It’s part two of our Christmas specials and we’re back at the Hammersmith Apollo for the second half of the show. Rom and Tom answer audience questions on choosing a best man, the existence of ghosts, alternative used for Celebrations tins and much, much more! Make sure to check out our YouTube channel for extended video clips of the show. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil. It's all you know, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? It's the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theaters April 5th. Embrace something new at Starbucks.

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Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping

Impressive innit, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Ladies and gentlemen of Hammersmith Put your hands together For the Wolf! And now! Yes! Hello.

Yes. We should do a little ventriloquist act. Oh, you know what we could do? You do me. Mate, that's a great idea. All right. Yours has got quite a floppy head. Yeah. Hello, Tom.

Hello, you sweet, sweet soul. So, Tom. Tom. How do you think that first half went mate? Why are you putting his hand on his dick? Right, yours is really honest, this hasn't gone as well as we thought it was going to. No, no, no, no. Why is it your dick's fucking tiny on this?

Oh, no, that's the ball, sorry. Oh, fuck it, that is massive. Yours has got little pants on. Little blue pants. This is quite weird. First half was good. Second half was strange. They both sounded like molesting dolls of each other.

Okay, guys, thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed the first half. Well, that was very kind of you. Can I just say one thing that's bothering me slightly? In our... Obviously, what's happened, and we've talked about what happened with me and Graz's changing room, but someone's had a shower before me and you arrived in our changing room, haven't they? Which is insane.

Well, we don't definitely know that, but it looks like. Someone has. There's water all over the floor. Like, someone has come into there and had a shower before we arrived and just not even cleaned up or anything. I find that insane. That's not something you should have mentioned in the first half, really. Well, no, to be fair, we went in with other stuff, and now I'm worried about the second half, and I'm like... I just went in there for a week.

The first half went good, I thought. I enjoyed the first half, but now I'm thinking, well, if I'm honest with you, I'm actually fucking... Why did I bring it up? But I was coming off the back of pulling your woolen dick out. Listen, I tried to make the doll of you suck itself off, so we're at a low part. What I would say, though, one of the entertaining things is watching Tom talk to Kat about him forgetting their first

dance. That was a highlight for me but then I forgot that I had to apologize to Lisa for suggesting she didn't wipe her arse on the weekend. She actually went down better than me forgetting the song which was insane. Love you babe. Thanks man. I should apologise to her. So what we're going to do this off is we're going to look at some emails and see if we can help. And hopefully the people that have sent the emails in will be in the audience. If the show was more organised, we'd have roving microphones, but we don't.

But the first thing I want to look at is, every now and again, I like to look at the podcast reviews that appear on. And there was one that really caught my eye that I thought I'd like to start with. So can we, Steve, can we bring that up first off, please? And I'll read it out. Two stars. It says, this show can essentially... I mean, the title in itself, Oh, Whoa!

Oh, Whoa! is two rich, successful men. This show can essentially be boiled down to two rich and successful men bemoaning what are essentially their blessed lives and trying to pretend they face the same struggles as everyone else. I have imposter syndrome. Oh, boo-hoo! It must be... I have imposter syndrome. Oh, boo-hoo.

It must be... It must be so hard to deal with your massive houses, with your multiple holidays, while you get driven to work for an hour a night. Get a grip. I really feel like the get a grip should have been done in capital. That's insane. Well, first of all, what I would say is an hour and a half we're doing tonight, so fuck you, mate.

I actually think that's fair. Yeah, it's pretty much pulled down. Do you know what I think? To shit on us that hard, but go two stars. It's such a mad move. Actually, also, it's quite highbrow for her. Like, that's a... The oh-woe is two successful men.

It's quite a sort of learned chap. Do you know what? I would have been upset about it, but then I saw... Do you know something really sad, by the way? You don't give a fuck about interrupting at all, do you? We've done this podcast for three years. It's like you're surprised. I actually Googled hand splitty,

and they're quite harsh on quite a lot of stuff. They feel like they're not happy in a lot of aspects of their life. So hand splitty if you're here tonight, which would seem insane. I hope you find solace somewhere or a podcast you enjoy. I really do. Yeah, I imagine you'll enjoy parenting somewhere or a podcast you enjoy. I really do. Yeah, I imagine you'll enjoy Parenting Hell or whatever shit like that. I felt bad about this until I saw that they posted it on a Wednesday, and I sort of thought, yeah, fair enough.

Like, Wednesday is such a shit day, isn't it? I get it. It's also the day the podcast comes out. So that could mean that they've actually listened to the latest one and just gone, this really is shit. Yeah. Sometimes people are just in a bad mood. I don't, I can't, I sort of don't see anything that I can disagree with, though, really. I mean, earlier on you talked about whether you might get a helicopter to my wedding.

I mean, if Hans Splitty is here, they'd have left that, wouldn't they? Yeah. Yeah. I just want to see if they've proved... Oh, fucking hell. Okay, well, there you go. So there you go. Hand-splitty, if you're out there, thank you so much.

So what? There are 12 hand-splitties at all. Okay, Steve, can we see the first email, please? Thank you. This is... Oh, fucking hell. Read away, my friend read away so small that

this is like an eye test hold on A I G let me try the other one no clue this is from the I... G... Let me try the other one. No clue. This is from the gregarious... I shouldn't have had three beers.

The gregarious goose. The gregarious goose. Are you here? OK, cool. Wow. Thank you, goose. OK. Thank you for emailing in, goose, my friend.

You're a sweet, sweet soul. My friend. What? We haven't even listened to the fucking email yet. He's your friend. I'll scan Reddit. I'll scan Reddit. Okay. I'm here this evening with my best mate, the adorable Otter. One of the sweetest

people in the whole world, that. Did the Otter make it tonight? Where's the adorable Otter? I guess that's me, isn't it? Is he here with you, Goose? Huh? Oh, God. Now, don't put the lights on. So, okay.

I'll imagine what he looks like. I don't need to. I'll build up a picture. I close my eyes and just think, oh, that's him. In the ten years I've known you, you've never looked more disgusted. That's really... Okay, it says, I'm here this evening with my best mate, the adorable Otter. He and I met at university 16 years ago.

It wasn't love at first sight, but we shared the same group of friends through uni and got to know each other well. Post- uni, we both moved to London at the same time and decided to rent a flat together. Quite a nice film. Start a good start of a film. What did you just say? Good start of a film. No, I couldn't see it like, well, I don't know what he's real name. Can I just say something? Some thoughts you can just leave unsaid, all right? No, look.

A lot of people, what they do is they have thoughts and they don't have to verbalise every one of them. I can see the trailer. It's one of those films where you sit and go, Keith and Mark weren't really friends. They were at the same uni until they both moved to London and brought a flat. That would be a great film in, like, 1921.

Nobody's fucking watching that. Yeah, no, no. Oh, my God, a story of two people sharing a flat. That would be a great film in like 1921. Nobody's fucking watching that. Oh my god, a story of two people sharing a flat together. And then hilarity ensues. Or then things got serious. I don't know what happened. Well, we'll find out. It's what happens if you don't read the whole email. You speculate.

Years later, we've had countless incredible experiences together. Well, there you go. Growing closer with everyone and helping each other through tough times in each of our lives. Oh, you know what that says? Like, there's heartache, there's trauma. Yeah, this is a beautiful story. If you

stay around after, I'll have a chat with you, see if we can turn this into... No, I'm just thinking, I could be the otter and you could be the goose. We're looking for a film project. Yes, and a five-line email was where I thought I'd find it. Okay, I'm incredibly grateful to have his friendship. The otter introduced me to the wolf in our... Oh, well, the otter's actually introduced the goose to the podcast.

And he got us tickets for this evening, so it's pretty good timing to let you know that last weekend he got engaged to his girlfriend, the happy hummingbird, and I couldn't be thrilled for the boat. Congratulations. Everyone. I genuinely had to worry that my flights were under. You also clap very high. Yeah, no, you know what? I've been watching, you know Tony Robbins? Yeah.

And he's got this really good way of clapping. Yeah. No, because I think when you're clapping, I'm getting ready for that thing. Just clap like that. No, no, that's boring. I know. I'm buzzing my teeth off. Keep doing it. Wait, clapping-wise, clapping is like the wheel. When people walk past, they go,

''Fucking hell, have you seen how he claps?'' Also, the jacket arms aren't really... To be honest with you, it doesn't look like you're in full control of your hands. Okay. I know it would mean the world to the otter if he'd given some words of congratulations in front of this audience.

In fact, I think he'd be hideously embarrassed, which is even better. And on the subject of embarrassing my best mate, he hasn't asked me to be his... Oh my my God, this is fucking... This is a big move by the goose here. Wow. I've got to say, I'm here for the goose. This is exactly the sort of shit that you'd pull.

On the subject of embarrassing my best mate, he hasn't asked me to be his best man yet. Oh. But just in case he does... I really like this atmosphere. What would be your advice? Okay, Goose. Otter, where are you? Hello, Otter.

Otter, are you there? Yeah, okay. Hello, Otter. Congratulations. Are you going to... I mean, listen, we might as well get it out of the way now. Are you going to ask him? Are you planning on asking the Go goose to be your best man? That sounds like a...

I'm just going to say now, if I'm one of the candidates, I probably won't be able to be a best man. I've read in front, I'll come to the stag, but I probably won't. He'll arrive about nine hours late on a speedboat that he's tried to get to travel across land somehow. So have you arranged the stag yet? Do you know where you're going? What?

Where are you going? Who is this? Is this a goose who's got it planned, but he doesn't know if he's the best man? Otherwise, you've done a lot of homework, mate, and it's for fuck all. But, or is it, do you know what you're doing?

Oh, okay. Oh, no, so do you. Oh, no, the goose has planned it. I'll tell you what, I absolutely adore the goose. What a legend. He's planned it. Have you had a speech written goose?

Goose, are you out there? I think goose might be reeling from the... It's a kick in the teeth. I'll tell you what, it's a big movie he's made there. And also, because he has got me and you to go to the stag do potentially. He has actually said, P.S. you're both invited to the stag.

Where is the stag going to be, Goose? Well, mate, it's a shit secret if he's not going to ask you to be the best man. If I was you, mate, do what you can here and sell yourself for the job. I mean, you said you're both invited to the Stag Do. We've asked where it is and you won't fucking tell us. If he's not the best man, it's not even his place to invite us anyway. If we turn up at the Stag Do and go, we invited you to, we'd go to the Goose.

Who the fuck's the Goose? I'll show you what it is. We do a podcast where we call ourselves Animal Names. Why have you got... You've become a real prick in the last minute. You've totally fucking 180'd. It's quite a sweet email. It's a lovely email. It's so desperate to invite... Well, you and I were talking about the fucking stag do's.

I'm worried about the goose. By the way, I hope the marriage fails, and I hope the stag do's a fucking load of shit, mate. What are you getting so aggy for? Because I'm worried about the goose. I'll tell you what, mate, in life, very seldom do you meet anyone as kind and as sweet as the goose. Right.

I'll tell you what, right, that fella, I bet any money, right, if you were to get here about ten minutes before, he's opening the door for people, carrying drinks to people's seats. Yeah, thirsty ****. Goose, I'm only joking. Listen, let me tell you something, Goose. Genuinely, mate.

Look, it's not often that I agree with the sort of tragic, sort of kino nature of the wolf. I think this email is bloody, is really sweet, man. I think it's really sweet and lovely. And I think the way that you've, actually, do you know what? I'm going to tell you this. The way that you've described your friendship with the otter is a lot like how I feel about my friendship with the

wolf. I would do anything for this guy. Oh, thank you. I was waiting for a little right hand. So when you see, I mean, you're acting like I was waiting. You haven't said anything nice about me the whole night. I was about, I'll tell you what. You were about to. You weren't even like me to your fucking house, mate. If I was around, I'd be more than happy to have been your best man. Right.

Yeah, but you didn't even come. No, no, but if I had been able to make it, I'd have said I'd definitely be your best man. Goose, this is a promise. It's not a promise. This is an offer. You may or may not be asked to be the best man by the otter. What I'm going to tell you is this. If you email us back again, let us know a date.

Even if it isn't the stag do, me and Tom are linking up with you for a couple of drinks, mate. Because it's sweet. It's nice, isn't it? And Goose, as I always say, you do you, friend. I like that email. I like a lot about you. I'll tell you what, man. Also, good luck.

Congratulations. Obviously, statistically, most marriages fail. But I genuinely hope that you go on to have a really happy life. I just hope that those two go out tonight and have an amazing night. Well, obviously, this has been an amazing part of the night. But it gets better and better. And then, do you know what because at first when i was picturing this movie uh i was thinking of it being like these sort of like two nutty frat boys but now i look at it's

like beaches like if they get to a karaoke bar later and hopefully the otter just turns around and you could sing wind wind wind beneath my. I think that would just be beautiful, man. And the wedding gets cancelled because they both fuck. I mean, it's very progressive. It could be incredible. What a lovely moment. That would be so sweet. Okay, thank you so much, Goose and Otter.

I mean, as Otter says, there's a few candidates. I hope that all works out. Oh, no. I can't be out of ink. Not now. Megatank. Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink?

Megatank. Yes, it's a Canon. Megaphone? Megatank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Megatank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Megatank.

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can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live, and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests.

And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. OK, Steve, let's see the next email, please. Okay. Just quickly, you know what you could do?

Is, if you do ask him, get a video of you asking him like you're proposing to him to be your best man. Send it in to Rom, and then we can share it on the Instagram page. Obviously, you lot don't know it at all, but everyone else will just think it's mental, but yeah. Hi, Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat. I'm a white man. Congratulations. How do I best describe myself? How do I open this in a way that they know where I'm coming from?

So be clear, if you think I'm one of those other lot, I'm a white man. I'm a white man married to a beautiful Indian lady who's well out of my league. Being from different cultures and different ways of doing things, growing up sometimes lead to some hilarious moments between us. I hope this is all right. In my groom's speech at our wedding, I explained that on the first time I met my wife's parents, I saw a celebrations box on the kitchen. First of all, this is from Luke. Luke, are you here? Congratulations on being a white man, my guy. Not many of those left in London if you read certain newspapers.

Don't even recognise my own city! Anyway, enough about Tom's blog. I'm a white comedian. I feel like a fucking unicorn. In my green speech at a wedding, I explained that on the first time I met my wife's parents, I saw a celebrations box on the kitchen table. When the coast was clear, I went for my favourite, a Malteser.

I needed to open the box and see it was full of coriander. It's my absolute horror. Hold up, hold up, hold up. What? Has he... Luke, was... Had they individually wrapped the Malteser with... LAUGHTER

Luke? Luke? Luke! Had they actually wrapped coriander... Like, ordered them back up with spices in? Huh? Oh, the whole box? I thought they'd individually, like, rolled in a... LAUGHTER Luke, I'll tell you a story. Once I was, like, I was in a park with a couple of mates

and the police came over. And they opened a bag that I had with me and I went, it's coriander. Like, that's... That's how you get away with that shit. Didn't you read that, like, they put, like... No, I didn't, because I'm not a fucking idiot. He opened the box.

You thought that they'd taken... No, I went for a Malteser. Yeah, went for a Malteser. Yeah, but that means there was a Malteser wrapper when he opened the box. Open the box. Listen. I went for my favourite, a Malteser. Otherwise, it would be, when the coast was

clear, I opened the box to see if it was full of... I went for my favourite. First of all, what I'm intrigued about, when the coast was clear, so did you wait for the family to leave the room because they didn't allow white people to have celebrations? What's going on here? No, listen, when the coast was clear, I went for my favourite. So we opened the box to get a Malteser. The whole box was full of

coriander. Oh, okay, okay, okay. No, I've read it like that now, it's fine. What you do is you go to the end of the set. Otherwise, if you start... Sorry, is it the beach? Okay. Fucking sand. The room found this hilarious. It's for Indian families.

Reusing containers is a staple part of life. But in my own white family, you keep reiterating this, Luke. In my own white family that hasn't been tainted, we weren't as caring and we'd just bin everything. Do you have any examples of when certain cultural differences have led to hilarious realisations? This is actually quite sweet, this last sentence, eh? We need to celebrate, learn and share our differences as it's such a blessing to live in a country where so many cultures live side by side. I think Luke's a good guy, yeah.

Actually, Luke, it reminds me of a funny story of when Lisa and I first got together. And every time we'd go out, she would go to me, you fucking stink. Oh, God. Tom, any cultural differences that have led to hilarious realisations? I know you said you'd never, ever, ever, ever marry outside your own, but... Me and Catherine both come from white families, but... Also, we do keep celebration tins to put cakes and stuff in no i think everyone does i think that's more of a class thing than anything else i think right

yeah no everyone i know has a old like christmas cake or saying in a old celebrations tin i think yeah i think that's it i think it's one of my favorite things when someone breaks up a celebrations tin and actually short celebrations in there it's that's one of my favourite things when someone breaks open a celebrations tin and actually it's not celebrations in there. It's something else. That's one of your favourite things. That's one of your favourite things in the world. It's when somebody opens up a celebration and it's not celebrations. Fucking hell, it's happened again. That is one of my favourite fucking things to happen, actually.

There's a bit of banana cake in there. What about the birth of little Gracie? Hold on a minute. Gracie, that was fun. But to open a celebrations tin and it's not celebrations in there. Well, that's the stuff of magic. I like that. I think it's a nice thing.

But I think, like I say, it's a class thing. Now, listen, Luke, we've had a lot of fun with your email. But I would say I like this. It's good, man. I think Luke's a sweet of fun with your email. But I would say, I like this. It's good, man. I think Luke's a sweet guy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the constant mention of being white is great.

I'm a white man. Just in case they don't clock it, I'm from a good white family. We're using containers as a staple part of life for them lot. We're using containers as a staple part of life for them lot. But in my own... But in my own white family, we weren't as caring. But I do like the way he says we weren't as caring. Yeah, I know. Luke, do you know something, man? It's actually very sweet the way you worded all of that.

Yeah, I think Luke's a good guy. If I was to buy a football shirt... Oh, fuck off. No, I'd just have L. Jacobs on the back. On the back of what? A football shirt. For what team? Well, if I was going to...

No, if I was... I don't know, the friendship team that we've built today. What the fuck are you talking about? No, the team... If I was to make a football shirt... What the fuck are you talking about? Right, if tonight, me and you went backstage, we had a couple of beers, you went,

God, Tom, I tell you what, design a football shirt of tonight. I'd say I'd probably be sponsored by Celebrations. It'd be in the colours of the my probably white shirt, actually, in keeping with Luke Jacobs. Just the way Luke likes it.

And I'd probably have L. Jacobs, number nine on the back. Okay. Yeah, I think he's a good guy. And I think, you know what, sometimes it's easier to sort of look through the mist and sort of think it's fog. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not wrapping up the podcast, are you? You're about to tell me about a... Actually, yeah.

You're about to tell a story about an orangutan named Clive. But yeah, Luke's a good guy. And I'd like to shake him by the hand and say, hey, keep doing you, bro. Yeah, it's good. And congratulations on your Indian lady. Okay. Are you with your Indian lady? Are you allowed to bring her out?

What? What? I'm joking. Well, you put your head in your hands. That makes me feel nervous. If it was a football match, he's getting stretched off. You're running two-footed there, aren't you? Luke, are you with your other half?

Hello. What's her name? Bennell, hello. What's Luke like? Is he? Does he keep... Bennell, can I ask you a question? He seems like a really nice guy. Does he sort of remind you that he's white every day? I want to do... What?

I was just going to say, Goose, Otter, we should get Luke to the stag. Yeah! It's going to be a hell of a fucking night out, isn't it? Mate, it's getting... I tell you, this stag I'm actually buzzing for. Yeah. Currently, we've got five people. Luke doesn't know anyone. I don't mind sharing a room with Luke. I'm saying it now.

No, I tell you at the moment, it's the Otter and the Goose sharing, me and Luke, then it's you and whoever we get in next. Benno? in Luke, then it's you and whoever we get in next. Binnell? Binnell? No, seriously, Benal, is there anything about Luke that you found sort of, you know, his lot that you found interesting or hilarious? I think Luke has now withdrawn permission to speak. Okay.

Have I gone too far? Well, I think Lisa's here. You could have invited Lisa to the stag performance. Oh, yeah. I was about to call out to Lisa. She would fucking kill me for that. Okay, next email, please. Thank you, Steve.

Luke, by the way. Luke and Binnall, I hope you have a wonderful... Have an applause for Luke, please. What you, Steve. Luke, by the way, Luke and Binal, I hope you have a wonderful time together. Have an applause for Luke, please. What a guy. Oh, Christ. Good evening, Wolf and Al. My husband and I are travelling from Lincolnshire to see you both at the Apollo on the 2nd of November. Really excited. I'm sure you'll smash it. Well, I think that ship has sailed. My question is a little macabre, but I'm genuinely interested to hear your thoughts. I'm really interested in what happens to our sweet, sweet souls when we leave this lovely life. Fuck my life. I've had to go at seances, Ouija boards, and been on ghost hunts. Since I lost my dad in 2017, I've become even more interested in finding

out what people think happens when we die. My husband, however, is not really bothered about knowing what happens next, despite losing his dad as well. He watches my investigations with supportive cynicism. Investigations? Have we been emailed by one of the Ghostbusters? So I wanted to ask what you guys think happens on the other side. Have you ever had

any experiences? And do you believe in ghosts? Thank you for reading my question and thanks for the great podcast, The Lincolnshire Ladybird. A round of applause for Lincolnshire Ladybird for getting in touch. Did you make it, Lincolnshire Ladybird? Lincolnshire Ladybird, are you here? Yes, hello, how are you?

You sorry, say that again? You're a little bit embarrassed, but fine. You're embarrassed? Don't be embarrassed, you're an amazing human being. Why, why, why? I'm just saying that's an incredible... Hey, that's a vulnerable open email. And that takes an amazing person to write such a thing. So I find that amazing.

Yeah, and I'm sure... Shout out to your bad self. Oh, fucking hell. You give a round of applause for a Sky News actor. Listen, fucking hell, Tom. Can I just tell you what just happened, bro? We read the email. We said, round of applause for the Lincolnshire Lady Bird.

No, no, but I wanted another one. I mean, which is amazing. Give a round of applause. They didn't because we've asked for another round of applause for the same person 20 seconds later. And then when they don't, you go, fucking hell. Can nobody get a round of applause there? I feel for the ladybird.

She's sitting there. She's a bit embarrassed. We've got you. Don't worry, okay? Ramesh is the same as your husband in the fact that he doesn't believe in ghosts and he's quite cynical. We told this story on a podcast a while ago.

We stayed at the same hotel, didn't we, when we were filming King Gary. And my room was invaded by a ghost there's two hotels for King Gary so everybody that's listened to the podcast knows the story where

we stayed in Newcastle and you basically put me in a fucking closet for the week but you're talking about a different hotel this is when we were doing the Christmas special so we were staying in a hotel in Essex. So I think we talked about this on the podcast? Oh, God, sounds very bored. By the way, just say, yeah, I think so.

You don't have to go, yeah. Yeah, you've talked about it. I've actually generally got a feeling it might have been Catherine. By the way, Catherine did tell us what the song was. Do you remember? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was it? Tom O'Dell.

Tom O'Dell. I Love You. Nothing for that as well. Play it out at the end. So we were staying at the same hotel. My room was invaded by a ghost. Invaded? Yeah.

Right, I go to sleep at this during the night, right? You don't need that. What's happening to you? No, I've gone too much detail, and I've realised it's night time, I go to sleep. That's what people do. Unless it's a night shoot, then you sleep during the day. This is so much longer. I mean, it's night time, I go to sleep. That's what people do. Unless it's a night shoot, then you sleep during the day. This is so much longer.

I mean, it's taken you a minute to go, you went to sleep. Two o'clock in the morning, I hear a silent tapping on the window. Silent tapping? When you said to me, that's of a few beers before the show, we've gone in on a few more than a few. Yeah, anyway. I hear a little tapping. It's almost silent.

It's very faint. Almost ghostly. Right. I'm scurrying to the window, thinking it's just going to be a branch or like a bit of leaf that's knocking up against it. I get there, there's nothing near the window. Right, nothing at all.

I think that's knocking up against it. I get there, there's nothing near the window, right? Nothing at all. I think that's peculiar. But getting to bed, and my room goes from quite warm to absolutely freezing. Like I've never known cold like it, right? I wrap up the duvet, I throw on a tracksuit, and I'm just laying there. It was a nightmare. He'd wrapped himself in the duvet,

and he's trying to put the tracksuit on over. And I'm just laying there. The ghost just stood there going, this guy's a fucking idiot. Well, I made a deal that night. I said, I went, whoever's there, I don't know what your intentions are. I don't want any trouble. Please leave me in peace. Leave me in peace. By the way, if you think he's making this up, I can guarantee you he did this. Right. I think I drifted off about 5am when the light came.

Anyway, I woke up that morning and items of my clothes had been put across all the lamps. I hadn't done that and it wasn't there when I went to sleep. So that was a ghost fucking with me. He was laying down a fucking marker. Anyway, I leave the hotel that night, that day. Fucking hell, Jesus Christ. It's why I never drink when I do shows. You're a bad example.

And as I leave, I said, is this place haunted? And the guy said, oh, it used to be a church with a graveyard. And I was like, oh, fuck it. And he said, then it was a children's hospital or something, right? Yeah, I don't know. He said it's definitely haunted. I didn't talk to this guy. Yeah, and then I told him about it, and he went, I don't believe in ghosts. And then the next...

Well, I had a great night's sleep, and nothing bothered me. Yeah, but the next night night you did get the willies I didn't get the willies you did I literally you went I'm not staying here I said I'm not staying here

because it's fucking shit hole that your production company put us in someone did try and mug us at the door do you remember yeah no that was bad you had a big old

like you'd gone all big bollocks and like wearing a big expensive Stone Island coat at the thing. I landed in my helicopter. I got out. We checked in at the hotel, and Tom sort of threw that goose right his eye and my stone. No, he said, he just went, I like your jacket.

Yeah, I like your jacket. No, I knew the way he said it, he looked me up and down. He went, I like your jacket. And then he went out and made a phone call, and then he came and sort of gave it that little rub that you do. That's a really nice jacket. I thought, he wants this jacket. It doesn't feel like the perfect crime, does it?

Well, no, I want jokes on you. Your fingerprints are on it already. But if you steal it, that won't be evidence, will it? Sorry. See, we'll have a little fill of these jeans. You're not getting me out of those. Have a touch of them trainers, mate. Anyway, I didn't think the hotel was haunted, but... It was definitely haunted.

It wasn't definitely haunted. Mate, I would bet £100 it's haunted. And I tell you what, I'd pay for anyone in this audience who wants to go there for a night, see what they think, and get in touch with the podcast. And that's a one-in-a-lifetime offer now. Anyone up for it? Oh, wow.

Don't look at me like I'm going to do the admin on this bullshit. Email in wolfandow at gmail. You can't even get the email right. That's not the email. Wolfandow at gmail. You can't even get the email right. That's not the email. Wolf and Owl podcast? No. It's like trying to get you to do the first dance. Find the email on all of our socials.

Email in and say, I'm up for the haunted house experience. And yeah, we'll pick a lucky winner. What I'll tell you what will happen is you'll email and nothing will happen. What we're gonna do book him in at the Holiday Inn or whatever? No no no I'll put him in there, I think I'd have to ask production what it's called. ****** in Essex. Oh look someone knows it look. Yeah is it haunted? Is it haunted? No. Oh someone said yes someone, look it's really, I've never known a debate like it I've been on

question time yeah so look we'll get this done okay email in obviously it's better if you live nearby

so we haven't got to pay for transport and stuff anyway when a while ago Tom and I talked about

the fact that I don't believe in ghosts and Tom does. And then we actually asked people to send in haunted places that we could go and stay at and do a podcast from there. And then, I'll be honest with you, I read up on some of them and I shit myself. Do you believe in ghosts now? No, but some of the stuff that they were saying was happening. I definitely believe this is spirit world. Again, explain the shower.

That could have been a ghost. Explain the shower. That could have been a ghost. Explain the shower? That could have been a ghost having a shower. Rather than a person having a shower. No, I'm just saying there's no explanation for it. There is an explanation. What? Somebody used the shower.

I think, I'm saying at the moment, it's a better... It's not 50-50. Listen, mate. I'll accept a lot of bullshit from you. What I won't accept is that it's 50-50. Well, okay. Between it being a person and a ghost having had a shower. First of all, why is a ghost having a fucking shower, bro?

Because when they were alive, they used to love showers. And now they walk the halls of that... There's probably an old performer or an old worker who used to work here. And they always dreamt of getting in the showers. Probably was like, oh, that's lovely in there. And then they walk the halls and it's like, I bet when we leave here, oh, by the way, sorry about the shower. That was old Les.

Les who? Les Peters, he was the old janitor here. He was the old janitor here and he blessed him, he loved showering. So that would be, I think, that could be quite a beautiful story, actually. Anyway, get in touch. Haunted house experience, well, for now, happening in 2024.

Linkage related. If you're going to see a ghost, do it after Christmas. Why? Well, seeing a ghost before Christmas will fuck you Christmas, unless it's... Well, it's completely because you'll go oh

yeah if you're Scrooge yeah yeah but if you're sitting there and you go alright Claire and it's like she's still thinking

about her bloody ghost that's ruined her Christmas none of it she's not enjoying any of her presents all this turkey are you high? Suspicious of everything.

Lincolnshire Ladybird, you're embarrassed, but you've got us. It's lovely. I'm with you. I'm with you, Ladybird. Keep doing you. You're a great person. I know you don't really want to talk to us you're slightly embarrassed but what are your investigations? you haven't found much of anything you're very hopeful

sounds like a prime candidate for the old haunted house experience. You fancy going to the... What's it called? ****. Tom Davis is willing to pay for you and your husband to spend a weekend at the **** in Essex. What do you say? Not a weekend? I could tell you now. I'll put you in for a weekend, mate.

You'll do a night. Absolute shit hole. I could tell you now, I'll put you in for a weekend, mate. You'll do a night. An absolute shithole. Okay, well, round of applause for the English and Lady Bird, everybody. Thank you. Want visibly glowing skin in 14 days? With Nuole Indulgent Moisture Body Wash, you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizing body wash is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich indulgent experience. Treat your senses with Nuole Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers.

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Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah. He says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Can we get the next email up, Steve, please? Oh, my Christ. Oh, my God, you've got... You can't hide your emotions at all.

You just went, oh, fucking look at the length of this. Okay, this is quite a long one, obviously. This is from the Balding Wolverine. Are you here, Balding Wolverine? There's 12 of them. Sounds like his voice carries a bit. Might be a ghost. Okay, I'm going to read this at two times the speed.

Before jumping into the question, just wanted to say I love the podcast. Being of a similar age and growing up in the same areas as you guys, did a lot of the stuff you discuss and memories you have at home. Anyway, I know you don't like too much. Place one to my question. This is probably one for the wolf more than the algorithm. This topic has brought up recently as well as a while back in the early days of the podcast. Hair loss.

I'm 41 and I've been feeling the effects of hair loss more and more over the recent years, although it was first brought to my attention when I was getting a haircut in Thailand around 15 years ago when the hairdresser commented on it thinning at the back. Fast forward to the present day and it's now a double-pronged attack with both the front and the back brushing to meet each other in the middle. I've been using various methods to conceal it as much as possible, but at this stage where it's fairly obvious and the comb-over is having to work harder and harder. It's not the full-on Charles the Sweet, RIP to the legend, but it's not far off as there's more surface area to cover now.

I know the Wolves have criticised hair loss treatments in the past and said just shave it off, but recently it seems I've had a change of heart. Talking about hair transplants and the like, now I'd like nothing more to shave it off and go for the upside down headlock, but I've had all my hair all my life, so it's a big leap and also I don't think my head is the best shape for the shaved look, although it's hard to be sure without shaving it off. The problem is once you've shaved it off there's nobody going back, it's like an Amazon football documentary all or nothing.

So my question is what do I do? A hair transplant... A hair transplant isn't off the cards, but I can't even think of the money it could be used elsewhere, and you can't guarantee the results. Shaving is a big commitment, and sometimes I think I can do it, otherwise I completely can't.

Help me, please. Thanks to Balding Wolverine. That's incredible. That's my favourite ever version of you. That's genuinely incredible. I actually sat here in awe. all yeah doing something that's normally done in half the time It's Lisa's favorite thing that I do as well So Tom you you I do want to get to the bottom of this really Because you're a gorgeous gorgeous man. Thank you. Thank you very much

You're in great neck you're looking better than you ever have done. Thank you. You dress immaculately. Thank you, thank you very much. You're in great nick, you're looking better than you ever have done. Thank you. You dress immaculately. Thank you. You're a charismatic dude. You're a sexy guy. Thank you very much. Yet still, when we do the podcast, when we start talking about hair, you sort of look

off into the middle distance. Yeah. And you start sort of fantasizing about what it might be like to have hair. So is that real? Do you really want to have hair? I think about it every now and again. I have a little... I sort of see someone with luscious long hair.

I'm looking around the front row, can't see anyone. Quite predatory, the way you did that. And I think to myself, maybe it would be nice to have hair. Like today, I was filming, I wore a wig, and every time I looked in the mirror, I thought, should I do it? Should I bite the bullet? But I shall be honest, because that is my way. I actually... Yeah, no, I don't think I could go through with it.

I think this is me now, for better, for worse. And I will say this, get yourself a skull shaver, incredible bit of kit. Well, fuck off, Tom. What? We're doing the Apollo. You you can't on top of that start advertising shit no I'm not advertising I'm telling you I've never been given one for free

in the last year bullshit but I would say this I think if you've got other places you can spend your money just do it do it gallantly and just love it off, mate.

And just wear your ball down with pride. And if it ever gets you down, then you can always have it done again. But yeah, brother, sending you love. Where are you, Wolverine? It didn't sound like the Wolverine. Wolverine, are you out there? Wolverine, where are you? Get the light up so we can see the shine off his bald head. Where are you, Wolverine? Hello, mate. Wolverine what are you thinking? Are you gonna get a hair transplant?

I don't think what's helped is you going, oh look at his hair! Well listen, the message from both of us boarding Wolverine is be proud of who you are and just embrace how it's going. Good luck to you. You got this friend. Do you know what? I'm going to say something. This is slightly related to our situation. We can turn the lights back down because I don't want to see any of them anymore. As I was actually saying, I did catch a look

at someone with a beautiful head of hair. I do think you and I have had this thing where and this is sort of related to what the Wolverine is talking about. We've both lost weight over the last year or whatever, right? Yeah. And I've, well, that's... Okay, that was...

We're in place to be really aggressive. What did you say? That's really fucking weird, that, wasn't it? Yeah. For a second, I thought I'd fallen off stage and just I was in the audience shouting stuff. But what I would say is this. Like, I don't think changing yourself,

that's not the solution. The solution is just trying to get some fucking self-esteem. Do you know what I mean? Because the truth is that you think that if you get a hair transplant, that'll fix everything. It won't. You think that losing weight is going to fix everything. It won't.

It's like you've got to just sort of try and... I don't want to say... I sort of get nervous for sounding too worthy, but you want to just try and be comfortable with yourself regardless of how you are. Do you know what I mean? This whole thing of like... This whole thing of like if this whole thing of like,

if you change something, that's going to be the solution. It just isn't. It's bullshit. It's like, you lose weight, you're still hung up on yourself. You get a hair transplant, you're still hung up on yourself.

It's like, you've just got to fix something else. It's not about how you look. Do you know what I mean? I just don't... Huh? That's when you should have gone, Amish! Yeah, thank you. Yeah, there you go. There he is. Yeah, thank you. Thanks, man. I just don't... Huh? That's when you should have gone, Amish!

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, there you go. There he is. Thank you, thanks. All right, mate, yep. I can tell you he's not getting invited to the stack. So we've got Luke Jacobs, we've got the Goose, we've got the Otter, we've got Tom, we've got Ron, we've got Luke Jacobs, we've got the goose, we've got the otter, we've got Tom, we've got Ron, we've got mad.

Okay, Steve, boarding Wolverine, I hope that's helped. Congratulations to you, thank you so much for sending the... I don't want to send congratulations. But thanks for the email. Okay, let's see the next one, Steve. Dear Swan, Wolf, Owl, Cat and the whole pack, this is from the Suspicious Sand Snake. Oh.

Oh. Or Carl. I like Carl, actually. Yeah. Carl, are you here? Suspicious Sand Snake? Fuck it, let's move on. Well, obviously, he's not responding.

What do you want to do? Do you want to stick with this? I mean, Carl's a big old tease, isn't he? He's written this email and he's not even bothered turning up. Well, he might have turned up, but he just doesn't want to respond in front of, like, 3,500 people. Well, for everyone else, someone else... This is so embarrassing to see. For the baldy werewolf, or Wolverine, someone else, this is so embarrassing to see, for the balding werewolf, or wolverine.

Wolverine, yeah. You went, who's the balding wolverine? About 40 people shouted out. Where's Carl? No one shouted out. Carl, are you here? He is here, okay, but he doesn't, listen, I don't want to pursue that, obviously Carl doesn't want to talk to us.

Yeah, okay. So let's just get on with the email. Carl, do you want to come to the stag do? Hold on. You're not... Well, Carl's fucking... Carl's not sitting with the people who proclaim that he's here. Very suspicious. Anyhow, I digress.

Why are you turning around like you feel like you've solved a crime or something? You've established nothing. There's a couple of people shouting over there. Very suspicious. Anyway, let's get on with it. The case of the suspicious sand snake.

My best mate and I have very different views when it comes to food safety. I arguably am very overly cautious. I've been known to cook chicken to a crisp to be safe. At times, I've even thrown away hours of my own cooking because I've convinced myself something is wrong. It's bad, I know, but I can't help myself. Whereas my mate has been known to eat an egg sandwich that has been sat in a hot van for days. sandwich that has been sat in a hot van for days. Weird place to keep it, mate. Madness. To me, one minute of eating pleasure is not worth the risk of a few days shitting through the eye of a needle. What are your thoughts? How risky are you when it comes to food? Cheers.

There's a suspicious sand snake. P.S. if you ask me to respond, I'll ignore you it doesn't really say that, I just made that up to give us a bit of an ending go on Tom, what do you think? are you quite I used to be very frivolous when it came to eating I used to eat anything, if I'd find

a sandwich on the side, I'd eat it if you found a sandwich on the side, you'd eat it. If you found a sandwich on the side, you'd eat it. On the side of what? No, if I was in the kitchen at work or whatever. Well, no, I never worked. If you're at work and you found a sandwich on the side. Say, for example, someone had an extra sandwich in their lunchbox when I used to work on site.

So I'd go, I'll have that. Like, if they're offering it. Yeah, OK. I was in a bully. Yeah, you've said something, and then when I've asked you to have that. Like if they're offering it. I wasn't a bully. You've said something and then when I've asked you to explain it you've said something completely different. No, sometimes I'll find a sandwich if it's on the floor or whatever in the toilet.

What do you mean by that? No, I buy an extra sandwich if I'm particularly hungry. Back in the old days, if we went downstairs now and there was just a sandwich or a bit of cake sitting on the side I'd eat it without question. Now, I've been bitten too many times, and I've had quite bad food poisoning. I'm a bit like Carl.

I'm very conscious. My chicken's disgusting, so I'll cook it until it literally is just dry right through. Yeah, I'm very, very worried about it. I'll throw something away if it's even two days before the sell-by date. Two days before? That's incredibly wasteful. It goes against all the advice we're currently being given about food wastage.

So if it's, just to be clear... Despite everything we're being told, in terms of food wastage and government guidelines, if it's two days before, but you know in terms of like you know food wastage and you know government guidelines I get very worried about that if it's two days before the best before you will throw it in the bin I'll have a little sniff of it

right two days before you'll sniff it yeah oh yeah and if it's not in I like to get so in the day I like to literally

buy as I eat so there's not much food waste now because I go oh what do I fancy today this I'll go and buy it rather than keep it in the fridge for it. Catherine literally

goes mental. Well, that's completely opposite to what you just said a minute ago. No, no, no, no. Because Catherine goes, no, when we used to have stuff in, I used to sort of, like, get near the... These people are walking out. They're so disgusted. Is that Carl? They're leaving separate. I think this

show has caused them to split up. So terrifying. Anyway, carry on. We shouldn't have been distracted by that. That was terrible. I mean, it was a fucking boring story, to be fair. I'll be honest with you, I was trying to help you out. Yeah, if I'm honest with you, no.

I get very worried about things being this... I'm constantly worried about food poisoning because I've had it before I worry what? what? is your mum in? somebody just shouted bullshit

who said that? that was you cool I know who you are now why did you say bullshit? Why did you say bullshit? Why did you say bullshit? Oh, wow. What did she say? She said he'll eat anything.

It was nice that Robert did a big talk about this, and you took nothing from it. He'll eat anything. He's a dustbin. I don't know. if somebody shouts bullshit, what made me think I should follow that up and find out what exactly was said? What was great in the way you did it is I felt really inspired by what you said and now I feel like a piece of shit. It feels like someone's not really read the memo about what's going on here tonight. Don't be sad.

It's quite a horrible thing to say. I thought everyone was inclusive. It was a nice atmosphere. Someone pricks it. Anyhow, let's move on to the next email. Tom, we're nearly at the end. You can't be fucking dying. I know what the sum-up's going to be. If you get invited to a party, don't be a c***. Yeah, it's like you've just done a funny joke on Mock the Week.

Okay, let's... Listen, it's almost time to wrap up, so let's get up. Can we bring up our last email, please? Okay. Listen, it's almost time to wrap up, so let's get up. Can we bring up our last email, please? Okay. Evening Wolf and Al. Very much looking forward to seeing the show on Thursday, and we've thought of a couple of questions, one for each of you.

By the way, I think Tom will eat anything. If this email doesn't get read out, I'll just shout it out and hope that he hears. Now, Tom, we've got a question for the wolf and we've got a question for the owl. It's a very well-structured email, this. It is a very well-structured email. Do you fancy answering... Shall I answer your question as the wolf when you answer my question as the owl? Yes, that sounds like something I would very much enjoy.

It's almost like we discussed it beforehand. Do you want me to ask it as the owl? Yeah, go for it. I'll read it as though some of you... First of all, we need to give credit to the people that have sent this in. This is the mischievous monkey, the thoughtful fox, the wise barn owl

and the curious cat. Where are you? Thank you, guys. I felt a weird round of applause on my part. It just felt like you'd just seen a four at a village cricket match. It is. Okay, I'll read.

You're going to be me, I'll be you. Okay, so... You can only do one of the following two things in your life. What do you pick? Wolf. A, a hole-in-one at a celebrity golf tournament where you're paired with Declan Rice and you both embrace

on the green. Or B, sell the 80,000-seater venue that is Wembley Stadium for a stand-up tour show. Well, first of all, can I say, mischievous monkey, thoughtful fox, wise, boner, and a curious cat, you're four of the most incredible people I've ever interacted with in my entire life. It takes a lot to send an email in, and for you to send an email in like this, where you've obviously thought about questions and you decide to direct them at us, is obviously look to what our interests are and how the questions might potentially challenge us with regards to sort of quite a persnickety situation, with regards to...

a snickety situation with regards to... I've got to say, you're four of the most incredible people I've ever had the joy of actually interacting with. What I'd say is, obviously, you know, celebrity golf is... You know, I don't want to call myself a celebrity, but I do get invited to a lot of these kind of golf tournaments. And actually... I love golf so much it's the reason I missed my first dance on my wedding day

but I would say listen Declan Rice I used to love him but obviously he's gone to the mighty mighty Arsenal wow whoa I didn't think this was going to incite a football riot. I know. But I've got to say, you know, I'm on my first stand-up tour,

and the idea of being able to take my humble art form and deliver it to people at Wembley, honestly, that would be a stage dive beyond all stage dives. It really would. So I'd have to say selling at Wembley, honestly, that would be a stage dive beyond all stage dives. It really would. So I'd have to say selling at Wembley. There you go. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Al, would you, A, want to witness Arsenal win the Tribbler and beat Tottenham in the last... Oh, fucking hell, this is quite convoluted, this sentence. and witnessed Arsenal win the Tribbler and beat Tottenham in the last... Oh, fucking hell, this is quite convoluted, this sentence. Let me help you. Let me help you.

Let me... Let me befriend... I'll be your friend. I'll condescendingly help you. It's OK. I'm good at reading. I'm good... I've got this. And, Tom, it's treble. I witnessed Arsenal win the treble and beat Tottenham in the last...

Tottenham. In the last Ligue 1 game of the year. The FA Cup final. And the Champions League final. And the Champions League final. Or have a number one hip-hop band with one of your raps, which goes platinum, and you sell out the 80-0-0-0.

That's 80,000, Tom. See a venue that is Wembley Stadium to perform the album. Well, you know the fact that Iy Stadium to perform the album. Anyway, go on. You know the fact that I'd love to see the Gooners do well. I'm a big Gooners fan as you well know. But the thought of me dropping some of my serious tracks on stage

at Wembley, surrounded by other hip-hop heads, absolutely drives me crazy. It would be an amazing thing to do. Just the feeling in that arena of just pure pumpingness. Looking down

and seeing excited people. Older chaps like myself rapping. Singing in a medium that's too young for them hugging my brethren as they drop a beat and I sing a line as the chorus comes in

and Taylor Swift is lifted down and we embrace I know that I've made the right choice even if Arsenal are relegated. That is a great email. Thank you. That's incredible.

People of the Apollo, that brings us to the end of our show. Don't boo, mate. I mean, give me... What are the receptions we're after at the end? I do want to say on behalf of Tom and myself that, you know, I don't want to get... You know, I find it very tricky to be earnest,

but, you know, Tom is one of my favourite people on the planet, and I love this guy with all of my heart. And the honest truth is we did this podcast as a laugh, and it's something that we enjoy doing. And actually, one of the reasons we do it is that we know that we're going to have an... You know, I would do it just to have an hour and accompany this guy every week, because I love him to bits. And to have that podcast sort of become a thing

where we get to a point where we can come and do it on stage at the Apollo genuinely is an incredible thing. And I hope you realise that we don't take it for granted. We are incredibly grateful to all of you for coming out and watching us tonight and for listening to the podcast. So I just want to say thank you so much. It's been amazing. I hope you've had a good night.

From the wolf and the owl, thank you so much. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you, guys. Good night. Thank you.