Wolf and Owl - S2 Ep 9: Portugal Rom & Dry Clean Tom

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

We’re talking… dodgy Zoom backgrounds, borrowed pants and saggy pouches, dry cleaning doubts, skinny jeans regrets, giving up golf, holiday gyms and snake oil posture fixes. Then, after some more arse pebble clarifications, we answer emails on an obsession with running, a favourite restaurant closing down and thoughts on a certain type of energy. For questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served served bring your weak shit where the wolf and owler that ain't just a mistake that's an awful howler both of them are known to pull up at your shows have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows fuck the censorship let them see the whole thing they stay dressed to kill never sheeps clothing dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all you hear is a huff, a puff and a... Expect killings. Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it.

The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Okay, welcome to The Wolf and Al. We've had a bit of dramas. We've had a bit of dramas. There's a couple of dramas.

One, the Wi-Fi where I am is not very good, so we're going to try our best. And two, I seem to have set up some sort of... Basically, I know what's happened. What's happened? I tried to set up a funny background for this Zoom. Oh, mate. Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate.

Bro, bro, bro, bro. You've got to fucking own where you're at. You are in what looks like... Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate. Bro, bro, bro, bro. You've got to fucking own where you're at. You are in what looks like... You're like in the larder or sort of like a... It's the laundry room. The laundry room. I'm in the laundry room. I'm obsessed with that green hat.

You have to put that on at some point during the podcast. Okay, I've got it. Shall I put it on now? Oh, my God. Oddly. I love the thought of you tearing up. You look like a really bad character act from Edinburgh. It's like somebody,

I've turned up like a real, a real keynote for an audition. So I thought he'd be, I thought he'd be like, um, a bit wacky and he's sort of like, he's sort of peacocking. So I thought I'd wear this hat

and he's irish right he's definitely irish yeah but stereotypically irish he's irish in an offensive way uh for people listening i am currently i've currently got an alpine background being projected onto my chest or attempted to and i'm wearing a green trilby that actually the green trilby would have gone with the alpine backpine backing if you had some long socks on as well and some little lederhosen. This is going badly so far. I think we're already in the running for maybe the worst episode of The Wolf of Now.

I'm stood up because I'm stood up I look like a fucking Faleraki DJ. This is mental. I like the fact that you've gone out on holiday and you're earning

a little bit of extra crust just doing sort of wacky sort of like essentially going to caravan parks and doing like sort of a quiz stroke DJ set

I said to Flo look why don't I just make some money while I'm out here do you know what I mean how are you Tom I'm good boy how is

how's sweet Portugal how is yeah it's very good very good i'm enjoying it any i don't think the weather's been as good here as it has been there yeah but we it's it's just turned a corner today like it's been hot out there right yeah it's been it's been so hot oh really like yeah complainably hot we just we're just not ready for it in this country are we no how do No. What do you normally wear when it's really hot? Just pants. What, around the house? Yeah, around the house, I'm just in a pair of underpants.

Nice underpants. I am going to admit something to you. Go on. So I do sort of walk around the house in my pants quite a bit. And sometimes I just sort of look at myself in profile to see if like it not not for my body basically to see just to see if the pouch looks sort of like do you know what i mean like what like embarrassing isn't it make sure your penis looks like it's sort of filling out your pants yeah basically and so sometimes i'll really only part of your clothing

that you don't want to have a little bit of loose bagginess around. There's nothing worse than a saggy fucking pouch, is there? Have you ever borrowed a friend's pants? Have you ever borrowed a friend's pants? No, I don't think I have. What, not even back in the day when you'd have a sort of stay over at someone's house? No, I don't think I have, nor do I think I ever would. Really?

Well, you're not even allowed to return pants if you've tried them on, are you? If it's different. If you came to stay at my house and then, like, basically, you crashed here, the next morning you had some breakfast, went, I'm going to go for a shower, and then you sort of, like, sort of scurried down and you said, oh, fucking hell, Tom, I haven't brought any spare underpants with me i'd say fucking

borrow a pair of mine for sure mate and i'll be and i'll give you yeah one of my premium pairs of underpants um well that's the only and i'd expect the same in return if i went to yours yeah but if i if i lent you a pair of my pants they they're now your pants i don't i don't want them returned no no well no if they're a premium pair of pants right if they're now your pants i don't i don't want them returned no no well no if they're a premium pair of pants right if they were top shelfers right a lovely pair of pants i would i'd have them dry cleaned washed and i'd bring them back dry cleaned yeah i'd have them properly like cleaned yeah yeah yeah so that they were lovely and fresh and you'd wash them as a dry clean isn't proper cleaning is it i? I think it is, isn't it?

No, I don't think it is. I think they just sort of... I don't know, what is the point of dry cleaning then? Well, it's... No, no, but I don't think it's as thorough as going through the laundry. Can I just say, by the way, I put a top into a dry clean as the other day, right? Nice top, lovely, had a tiny little stain down it. Sent it to dry cleaning.

You'd think that I was sending it away to space right the way they got the complex it was a week i had to wait for this top to come back it comes back the stain still there right i said well the stain's still on this and he said to me oh is that what you want did you want it to get you know has to get rid of that i said well of course that's what i wanted like that's what i thought dry cleaning did i thought it got rid of the stubborn stains and he was like no no no yeah so now that i know that he doesn't even wash what's the point essentially i just sent my jumper away for a holiday for a week i was just like go on mate have a week off i'll rely on some of the other fucking clothing i have just a jumper that just fucking slipped off and just fucking had a week

in someone else's cupboard i know well they often send stuff back what i don't understand is so basically when i did league of their own i I was wearing a white jacket. I remember it. Nice. Yeah. And, um, basically it got, it got dirty.

Yeah. As a result of, uh, doing league of their own. So some guys thought it'd be funny to sort of stain it up in that. And we sent it to the dry cleaners and it came back and it still had all the stains on. And what I want to know is,

do you know, do you know when you used to, do you know when you used to get your photos developed? I mean, you'd actually get them physically developed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd go and pick up the little pouch with the photos on, and then every now and again there'd be a photo with some red eyes on it.

The eyes would be red or the thing would be out of focus, and there'd be a little sticker on it saying, this is why this photo went wrong. This is what you need to do in future or whatever. What I want to know is when they put the jacket into the packaging to send back the polythene whatever

they knew that they hadn't cleaned the jacket because the jacket was unwearable still I say unwearable, it's wearable you couldn't wear it out no, if you wore it out people go there's a stone in your jacket, I can't wear it out. No, if you wore it out, people go, well, people go, there's a stain on your jacket.

I can't think of any more. Imagine if I had a stain on it. But the point is, why wasn't there a label going, we tried, we couldn't do it? Yeah, but what is the point? You know what, you've basically opened a Pandora's box of the biggest racket that's going in internationally now. No, but they do, hold on, but they do do a good job. I don't want to make dry cleaners out of it now no but they do hold on but they do do something they do do a good job i don't i don't want what do they do what do they do well sometimes they clean stuff

don't they sometimes like that's all right i'll tell you what right you took you get you took your car to the garage 100 times if they only fixed it fucking 80 the other 20 times it was still fucked when they gave it back you wouldn't just go oh fair enough they can't like like like genuinely i look at now i don't think i will ever use the dry cleaners again and i can quote me on that and like do you know what actually i by the way i love my dry cleaner as a person well if there's dry cleaners out there happily go for a pint with him yeah but i'm not taking my clothes in okay here we go dry cleaning is very similar i've googled this by the way um dry cleaning is very

similar to regular home laundry but a liquid solvent is used to clean your clothes instead of water and detergent the solvent contains little or no water hence the term dry cleaning dry cleaners use very large and technically advanced computer-controlled dry cleaning machine this sounds like something's written by a dry cleaner so it uses a solvent there you go so they like they they sort of give it a massage with like a sort of a cleaning tank. Basically, they essentially use like Daz or whatever it is on it like we do. It's just that they fucking charge you for it. No, but they don't use water.

They don't use water. Sometimes with Daz you don't use water or whatever. There is a spray you can just... I can't remember what the one... No, you're talking about freshening up. That's not clean. No, no, there's one that you can spray on a stain. You're not...

No, no, no. Yeah, but you're not... Please tell me that you're not just spraying a fucking garment and re-wearing it as if you've washed it. What, like a fucking deodorant wash? Like a Febreze. Like a Febreze. Of course I'm fucking not.

Jesus Christ. At 43. Well, that's nice and clean. What's that? What's that? What's that in the corner of your kitchen? Oh, that's a washing machine. Mug.

I've just got one of these. Just a bottle of Febreze that I take everywhere with me. Cat, it's that time of the year again. We've got to put some of this stuff in the wash. So tell me this. Hit me. Pants, you're washing every day, right? Yeah, yeah, of course. Socks, you're washing every day right yeah

yeah of course socks you're washing every day yeah okay t-shirts pretty much every day yeah pretty much

yeah but no look if there's a situation where I put on a t-shirt for a if I pop in and I've got like a meeting or a gig

or I'm on stage for like an hour and a half or whatever or I take a t-shirt I wear it and I've got like a meeting or a gig or I'm on stage for like an hour and a half or whatever or I take a t-shirt I wear it and I change into something on stage so I put a t-shirt on for the gig and then it slips and so yeah I'll wear it again but apart from that just because

if you wore it for a couple of hours that t-shirt's alright yeah yeah yeah you spread it out with a little bit of Febreze and a bit of deodorant you can get nine or ten wears out of that spread a little bit of Febreze and a bit of deodorant. You can get nine or ten wears out of that. Spray a little bit of Juke and you're fucking fine, man. Yeah, get a bit of that fucking Sauvage on there and you're good to go. Okay, what about jeans?

You know what? I have more jeans. Genuinely, I've become a Chino or a trouser sort of guy. Okay, so Chinos or trousers? I reckon five wears. Five wears. Unless you get really, really sweaty. Do you know some people don't ever wash their jeans?

Yeah, cowboys maybe, but... No, no, no. Legit, no. It's supposed to be a thing where you don't wash your jeans. You put them in the freezer. What? Why? I'm not telling you.

This is not what I do. I'm just telling you what is done. The thing about it, right, all of this thing, that can't be clean. No. If you've pissed into your jeans, and you've had enough of the freezer, and it's put next to some Dairy Lee,

and it gets to spine, you know. I was going to put this in between Dairy Lee and the arse pebble. Mate, there's no, I can tell you now I've known when it's time to wash my any sort of trousers, jeans, trousers because of the smell, I've worn a pair of jeans oh my god, why would you say that on the podcast? there's been times where I've sat on a train

and I've smelt something and I've thought, oh fuck, these jeans this is one too many. Is that where your nose is too close to your crotch? Like you've sat down and you've smelt that. That sort of dry,

pissy smell. Whenever I get on the train or I get in a car and I practice the brace move just in case there's a crash. And then you open your jeans up and the little fluff and material is looking all yellow

and sorry for itself. Oh, no. It's like a soldier that you sent out for one mission too many i'll go again but i don't think i'm fully up to it i won't be 100 percent you can do it soldier you can do it i sometimes you can even feel the dirt like you feel they're a little bit oh my god what are you talking No, when they've got that sort of stale, sort of hard feel to them. Fucking... Because you don't wear the same jeans

five days in a row, do you? Actually, sometimes I do. Do you really? Well, I don't wear them five times in a row, but, like, I find jeans very difficult to... You sort of... It's difficult to get the right fit, it's difficult to get the right colour or whatever,

and so, like, it's a big thing, jeans, I think. And then what happens is I go through phases of liking a certain fit of jean. So then, oh, my God, is this the most boring thing I've ever said? But anyway, fucking hell. I thought I'd have more energy stood up. The only thing, I've become even duller. The point is that I sort of get into a certain style of jean and then i think i just i just want to wear those and then like and then i'll move on to a different one you still

are you still busting a skinny jean or no um we both flirted with skinny jean for a while yeah we did i mean you flirted with it much more than i did i think i was married to the i would say you were dancing a lot of the time i saw you i'd say you were skirting A lot of the time I saw you, I'd say you were skirting on the edge of jeggings. I had a pair of jeggings. I'm not even going to fucking shit this. I had a pair of jeggings, man. Did you?

Yeah. I had a sweet, sweet pair of jeggings. So talk me through jeggings. Are they sort of elasticated? Elasticated. Elasticated. Elasticated jeans, aren't they? They're so tight. I had jawstring once.

Right. Yeah. It's sort of like a mix of a jean, a leg in, and a tracksuit bottom, these were. How comfortable? To be fair, they were pretty comfortable. You know what? As soon as that, you know the sort of meme of the dog standing up

with the really skinny legs? After that, it's been sent to me about 400 times. Tom, I've been sent that so many times. I was just like, you know what? This disco's over. This dance party's over. Genuinely, throughout all of my skin, anything that was even remotely skinny, I just was like, I can't.

My problem with skinny jeans is i'd buy a pair of skinny jeans i'd wear them and i'd feel like okay these look pretty good they're just about getting away with this although i would say people with our bodies do not suit a skinny jean because like like because i would say you know when people talk about the v-shape the v-shape is supposed to be at the chest going down to your waist my v-shape it's not even it's about the V-shape? The V-shape is supposed to be at the chest going down to your waist. My V-shape, it's not a V-shape. There's no fade. My body is not faded properly.

It's like my body has gone to really shit barbers, where it's just like body, body, body, body, skinny legs, skinny legs. It fucking just goes in, man. It's like a funnel from a GCSE maths question. Which one is going to empty first? You've essentially got curtains, your body's curtains, like if's like a funnel from a gcc if it was which one is going to empty first you've essentially got curtains your body's curtains like if it was a haircut same as mine mine's the same it's like i've got such skinny legs it's like what was i ever thinking also you know that thing that i sometimes think about it i sometimes think i wish a friend had just pulled me aside and gone

you shouldn't wear skinny jeans i know like and but but to the end i don't i can't genuinely think of a time that any of my friends went oh my god you look really good today we're not probably really skinny no the only person that ever says that to me is you and that's skinny jeans regardless and you say it so much that i think you're doing it just to bring me down just every time i wear this shit outfit if you wanted to carry on wearing that you you look trippy but like league of their own though i've want to carry on wearing that. No, you look trippy, man. Like, Leaguer de Rombo, I've got to say, I thought the outfit you wore on that

was fucking banging. And you're looking good, man. You look, you look, even though you're actually carrying on off the green hat today with the snakeskin sort of band. Yeah, thanks, man.

Thank you very much. That's just like an assortment of, are they all your family's hats? Is that? No, I don't even think this is, I don't think this is a good idea that I'm wearing this because we're renting this

villa off somebody. This is their hat that I'm wearing. How is Portugal? What's the score out of Portugal? What's the vibe? Well, very chilled. It's not actually that busy out here. Really? Yeah. I don't think they're struggling.

I think struggling is an exaggeration. It's definitely not as busy as it has been in past years. Have you met up with any of your friends? Here we go. A little smirk plays across the lips. Have you met up with any of your friends? Huh? No, I haven't.

Beef's coming around later. I'm doing Beef's podcast next week what yeah what podcast he's got a podcast now next Wednesday

chatting about golf what's the podcast oh chatting about that's why that's why he's not asking me to do it what's going on with your golf

are you playing anymore are you going to play when you're out there I've not played for a long time I think I might be out the game having spent

having you're you're played for a long time. I think I might be out of the game. Having spent... I love the way that you say I might be out of the game like you're David Beckham when you're retired from football. You're like... I'm sorry I haven't played in any international tournaments like you have, mate. No, but I'm just saying you're out of the game. From what I know,

your golfing prowess, you had two lessons and nine holes. It's not like... Like, Jon Snow's going to pop up on the news going, and today golf lost one of its finest players. Yeah, excited by the number of Asian-looking players that are on the circuit. Romesh Ranganathan picked up... Romesh Ranganathan spunked a load of money

on a set of golf clubs. Needlessly. I reckon I'm the only golfer in the game that's never actually played a course. I'm yet to play 18 holes of golf.

Did you play nine? When I say I'm yet to play 18 holes of golf, I'm yet to play 18 holes of golf aggregate. I'm not talking about in one go. You got all the clothes.

You're literally... I've got so many... I've got so many golf clothes. I've got a fucking set of immaculate gloves. You know what you'll become? You'll become one of those guys when people come round your house and you'll be like,

oh, do you play golf? Because your clubs will be nice and you're like, yeah, yeah, I'll get out of there again, You'll become one of those guys when people come round to your house, you'll be like, oh, do you play golf? Because your clubs will be nice, and you're like, yeah, yeah, okay, I'll do it again, I'll get in there again. It's like, at least it's a conversation starter, right? I take a full set of golf clubs to the golf course. I say I take, I was. And then I fucking go to the driving range, miss 50% of the balls I'm swinging at,

and go home. You're literally as well the busiest person. It's a hobby that you can't just take up and just go, oh, yeah, fine, I'm just going to, you know. I'm amazed that you're able to do it as much as you do. Like, it's incredible to me. Because tell me, a golf golf course like a brand of golf how long are we talking four hours but i only play nine holes at the moment i'm playing

not a lot of nine but if i'm honest with you at the moment i'm i am in that situation where i'm like i won't be able to get out that much and i might when when we're filming like but at the moment i'm like it's crazy like last week I gigged four times this week same again and it's like then and then obviously working full time

essentially working a full time job writing then to turn around to Catherine and go oh I'm just going to pop out

at the weekend for five hours so if I get like a little morning where I can pop out I quite like when it's been nice

whether it's been nice going out about 7am or going out in the late evening and it's good for your mental it's been nice going out about 7am or going out in the late evening. And it's good for your mental health, I think, to get out. I just smashed the hardest workout this morning that I've done in a long time. Really? I went to the gym

yesterday. I've been going to the gym out here. I love that. Yeah, and I was doing bench press and basically... I can't believe how far we've come on this podcast that we're just having this conversation now it's amazing how the more finale has transformed us isn't it I mean people talk to us about

how it's you know how it's affected them but let's talk about where we're at chatting about golf talking about me doing a bench press you talking about doing the hardest work I've ever done if you go to the gyms anything like your golf a single bench press would be my favorite thing you're getting geared up chalking up your hands walking

around the people do that that one rep one rep max they just stack it up and do one rep and then they're done yeah that's that's for big dogs that's not for us i find the gym quite intimidating but what's more intimidating is going to a new gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's terrifying. Especially the foreign country as well. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. But the gym I'm going to is full of loads of really rich English people who just look absolutely swagged out. Do you know what I mean?

Like incredible gear. And I just go in an old T-shirt and tracky bottoms, right? So I've not really got gym gear as yet. The opposite to my girlfriend. I go to the gym all the time. I've not really got gym gear as yet. The opposite to my golf rig. I go to the gym all the time. I haven't bought any stuff for the gym. I've barely played golf once. Got a whole wardrobe donated to it.

I've got everything you could possibly need to play golf. But I was doing bench press, and they didn't have the proper bench, right? They had, like, they had, like, the movable clips. Do you know what I'm talking about? You put them up and down either so i set the bench up i took ages yeah set the bench up and as i pushed the thing the bar up my shoulder fucking just went whoa what too much weight but janky too much weight i don't know i don't know it just felt like it felt like too much weight but it wasn't too much weight it was like what i regularly do right so i pushed it i was like fucking hell maybe portuguese scales are different or something like that anyway i i i

am i i did like i did a set and then i put the thing down i was like fucking hell that really messed me up right did you just did you sit up or like lie back and feel bad i laid back for a little bit yeah to be honest with you i i find i find behavior in between sets oh man the etiquette yeah of what you do in between sets really hard to deal with just sort of like walking around in circles stretching your arms just sort of head down looking at the phone yeah yeah all of that i find that really hard because you're supposed to you're supposed to wait like two minutes right yeah right like a couple minutes yeah i think a couple minutes is the thing so anyway a bloke came over and pointed out to me that the clips were basically like my eyes one of them was three things lower than the other one oh no i've basically been lifting it on a wall

it was so embarrassing man and then i just sort of did that thing where you know when you're caught out doing something embarrassing i just sort of went can't get anything right and just looked at me like i just wanted to did you uh did you leave the bench after that or did you have a hit another another bite no he didn't trust me to sort it out myself so he actually and then even though your shoulder hurts you've got to do another couple of reps yeah yeah yeah i had to do another couple of sets and then i finished and then walked out holding my arm so i had to do another couple of sets and then i finished and then walked out holding my arm so i i wanted to sort of signal to people the reason i was leaving was because i'd acquired a gym injury so i just was like like rotating my shoulder like this

the two that that's why the shoulder and the leg are the best because if you because then you can do that real sort of like pull back of the sort of leg, like you're really like, you know, where you're stretching out your quads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just make eye contact with a couple of people so you know that as soon as you walk out, those people go, why has he left?

He's only been here for five, ten minutes. He's injured. He's stretching. He's quite badly, quite badly. I find it so difficult, like that vibe at the gym. There's certain machines and certain things that I'll just swerve because I don't want to get them wrong. Genuinely, like the bench press.

I constantly have a phobia of thinking that I'm just going to be caught underneath it and loads of people are going to bite off more than I can chew. I don't even know what I'd be able to bench now. You're an absolute shire horse. I imagine you've got some strength in you. I've been going with my brother, and having a spotter makes a big difference. Yeah, mate, you need a spotter.

You need a spotter. I haven't got a spotter in my life at the moment. That's what I need. I need a good spotter. But you need a spotter who's round about the same sort of strength as you are, right? Yes. Because the most indignifying thing is if you are spotting with someone and then they're they're bench benching loads and then every time you they have to take

off half of what they're benching for you to then bench well you need to the biggest problem we've got in our uh gym relationship is that my brother wants it more than i do and what i mean by wants it is like you know you know whenever you read about weightlifting you're supposed to go intense aren't you you're supposed to go big you're supposed to really push yourself I don't have that in me so as soon as it gets difficult I go that's me done whereas my brother are you are you joking no like my my brother you've got to push yourself no my I know I know I'm trying but my tolerance for pushing you you look great you yeah but also I think you're being hard on yourself bro you. You clearly are. You can see on your shoulders,

they're more defined, they're more pronounced, right? Right? Yeah, go on. You can see that you're clearly pushing yourself. Well, you went right, right there. Obviously, you started off talking about my shoulders. No, no, but you used to have quite sloppy shoulders.

As if you were moving on to something else, but then you realised you'd run out of gear. No, no, no. No. What I'm saying is that the things I could say. No, because your shoulders used to be quite slopey. Like quite sort of... No, they used to be... Your shoulders used to always look like you were at a festival

and they'd run out of beer and you'd be the first person in the queue to find out. Like you'd just let out a big sigh. Now they kind of look... You fucking... You can see the definition just through that T-shirt, boy. Yeah, thanks, man.

You know what? You've actually... I'll tell you what, who your shoulders are a bit like. Raheem Sterling's. Well, we've got very similar running style, so that makes sense.

What? Do you know... He's got great shoulders. Look, look. But look, my posture's bad. Can you see? My head looks like it's coming out the front of my body

like a ninja turtle. Whenever I get sent a photo of me on stage, I fucking hate it. I just got sent a load of photos from the special. I hate it, man. I look like... Honestly, it's just mad. And then I was so worried about my posture,

I bought one of those... I don't know. I think I probably... Oh, no. What? You haven't told me. You haven't told me. You didn't buy one of those, did you?

You've essentially had your pants pulled down by snake oil it is snake oil of course it's snake oil mate stretching man stretching and also like we sit so much

of the time you just want to be like that yeah you want to just be like sit back straight engage your core yeah

just yeah bring your head back engage your core what do you want to engorge though you said engorge what do you need to engorge engage your core like just yeah bring your head back engage your core what do you want to engorge though you said engorge what do you need to engorge

engage your core like that and then just yeah but that's what I mean I bought the straps and then so I was wearing

the straps like what a little pair of braces you know you put the braces on and they just push your shoulders

back like that yeah so I bought that and then I was wearing it around like every day underneath my oh god oh no like my table like a bra

like a bra I was wearing it like a bra and then I read somewhere that actually makes it worse I've just got this vision of you getting home and going oh I've been waiting to get this off all day. Oh, you could actually hear them drop there, couldn't you?

You actually heard the flesh lollip out of the strap. Big sweaty strap marks. Just listen to the kids go, why have you got griddle marks across your back? Oh, don't worry, Dad's been working on his posture. Oh, God. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport.

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what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Right, should we do some emails? Let's do it, Jay. Because you've got a... I was about to say you've got to go short as if this is your fault, but what's happened is I delayed the start of the podcast by about half an hour through my ineptitude. Where's the rest of the family at the moment? Are they just chilling?

Well, they're having breakfast, I believe. Oh, nice. When we're on holiday, they're allowed to have whatever breakfast cereal they want, so they're basically eating Cookie Crisp and Oreos. Oh, nice. What are you having for your breakfast at the moment? Are you still healthy?

I'm not having breakfast. Really? I don't really. Yeah, I've sort of gone off breakfast as a thing. I love breakfast. You know my new addiction? This is what you should start having. Since you told me about peanut marmite,

peanut butter marmite, that on some gluten-free bread. Gluten-free bread, by the way, is a fucking game changer. It's incredible. I'm not even gluten-free. You've basically just told me the direct opposite of everything I've ever been told about gluten-free bread because everybody else says to me it tastes like absolute shit.

No. So Catherine gets this one. It's incredible. It's fucking next level. Yeah, but you have to get like... There are companies that do really good ones. But you have to get like artisanal shit, right? Yeah, but this is like genuinely...

It makes the best toast. Okay. I have that with a bit of peanut butter Marmite, right? And some bananas on it. It's another level. Are you buying the Marmite peanut butter? Are you pre-m. It's another level. Are you buying Marmite peanut butter? Are you pre-mixing? Oh, no, no, I'm buying it.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I like to add a little bit extra Marmite just to give it a bit of wow. Have you had chilli Marmite yet? Yeah, disappointed. Really? I've got a jar that I'm just waiting for a special occasion to crack open. What I would say, look, it tastes great,

but there's not enough chilli in it. Oh, really? In fact, Marmite, if you listen to this podcast, I'd love you to do an extra chilli Marmite, please. Could you not put a little bit of sriracha or something into it? Sriracha's not going to give you the kick you need, bro. You need a little bit of devil's jizz or whatever, one of them hardcore ones, do you know what I mean?

I might have even... If I'm honest with you, I ate so much spicy food last week, I'm out of the game. What happened? I'm just out of the game for spice game for a little bit. The pebble's been absolutely fucking destroyed. I'm out of pebbles. Oh, my God.

You're out of pebbles? Yeah, genuinely. How many pebbles do you have, actually? At the moment, my rockery's fucking grown. It's like... I can't believe this pebble thing's become a movement, man. I say movement. We're getting so many messages messages but i can't believe anybody's entertaining the idea of putting a pebble up their ass mate it's another level crazy yeah have you had serious ring sting yeah change it up man change

it up just try it once and it would actually you're saying you're sorry look people don't believe this is real this is real tom does do i have to send a picture of a pebble up my butt? Yeah, I think you do, yeah. I think you do. I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. But what I still don't understand is, what is the pebble making contact with? Your arse cheeks.

Yeah, but if you've got a ring stinger, the very definition of that condition is your ring is stinging. So what benefit does the pebble between your cheeks have? So if you could imagine, right, it's engaged with your arse cheeks around where your ring is stinging right so what benefit does the pebble so if you could imagine right it's it's engaged with your arse cheeks around where your ring is right and then if you get the right sort of pebble the edge of the pebble right is just kissing just slightly kissing your ring so that's so it is making contact oh yeah a little bit of ring but you like i've seen loads of people sending pictures right of different sorts of pebbles it's probably the most social

media engagement I've had in my life of anything and like you know I've had a relatively successful career but this is the most engagement of anything I've ever done that I've ever had right but a lot of people are sending the wrong sort of shape pebbles how do you mean? well it's got to be kind of round you've got to make sure that you're getting

it's got to touch your ring but you don't want to stick it up your ass that's what i'm saying no no yeah because that's what worries me is within the hands of an idiot you could really do yourself a mischief what i'm nervous about is somebody puts an ass pebble in they sit down it does themselves some serious damage and then we suddenly got a lawsuit on our hands because we've been telling you know what i'd say as well is when usually when i've got one in i'm not sitting on my butt i'll sit on my side oh my god that's so tragic so so so you put the pebble in your ass so then you just lie on the sofa in the fetal position i'll sort of like lounge on my side so i'll be yeah and i'll switch over

i mean if i've got a pebble that fucking enables me but yeah i don't look i need to say i probably should have said this at the start of the pebble gate right i don't want to be going down a and e and saying that this is what's happened yeah yeah so you've got to treat the pebble with respect and it'll be your best friend that's all i'm saying i totally agree i totally agree. Okay. Now, before I get into this email, it's from an 11-year-old. So just sort of. Wow. Our youngest ever writer.

I believe this might not be our youngest ever writer. It definitely is the youngest ever emailer that we've read out. So here we go. To the Wolf, Owl and Swan. Hi, guys. Love your podcast. I've got a bit of a different question. You're going to lose your mind at this. I actually an 11 year old kid from australia wow wow like literally from the country furthest away from us and he's 11 is that right

yeah i think it is yeah isn't new zealand further well all right yeah but yeah i mean if a 10 year old from new zealand writes to us and that will fucking blow my mind even more. I feel really bad actually swearing on that. I keep getting people messaging me about swearing. He listens to the podcast, so I assume that. Yeah. I have to apologise to people who, by the way, constantly message me about swearing.

That is just how I talk. I really can't. I try very hard to do something about it, but this is just a conversation with rubbish. Self-editing, trust me, if I start self-editing to stop swearing the podcast will be a lot slower and a lot more mundane than it already is.

Have you had complaints Tom? Loads. Loads. How do you think this episode's gone by the way? Bearing in mind that I've been stood up. I actually really like your energy standing up. I quite like standing up. Shall I do the next one stood up as well? You're like a politician. we just chat unscripted that's what we're

about uh okay um this is from the 11 year old my problem is that i love running but my parents seem to get very annoyed and agitated because i run so so much we don't have time for anything else it's all i want to do is run all day every day my dad actually got me into your podcast great parenting and I love every episode as it motivates me to run every day the idea that this podcast motivates you to run every day I find incredible and makes me laugh whenever I feel sad another problem I have is that I'm extremely skinny kind of the opposite of you guys now I feel all right mate and no matter naked naked by an 11 year old no matter Megan Megan by an 11 year old

and no matter how much I eat because of you what have you done today son I'll write those fat bear bricks a email yeah send an email to the two fat bears don't worry dad I've got the little dissing that you wanted me to do. You say about running, son? Yeah, you make sure I get in there a pair of fat losers. Yeah, got round the side of it by saying that I was 11 and from Australia. I knew that would hook them in. And then I called them a pair of fat bastards without them even realising. They probably chuckled about it, sad twats. And how much I eat because of the amount of running I do,

I never seem to gain weight. Okay, mate, Jesus Christ. I don't lose weight, but I don't gain either. At my age my age i should any advice about what i should do with my parents and running like should i talk to them or keep running okay how to keep my weight up i don't want to be underweight would be greatly appreciated kind regards the smashasaurus wow smashers what a name wow yeah especially yo smashasaurus my g G. My 11-year-old G. That sounds great. That sounds real. Ironically, I was actually very skinny up until sort of my,

I hit sort of probably my mid-teens. I was very, very, very skinny. I was sort of like a big stick, really. And, yeah, so I was sort of, yeah yeah i sort of feel your pain and i used to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and i just used to get taller rather and put in any weight so i kind of vibe you know that kind of thing i think that's just a part of growing you know some you people grow in different ways but you know some people put on weight i mean now literally if i look at a chocolate bar i seem to put on about a stone but um i'd have loved to have done that

when i was young i used to be very conscious about being what was called lanky. I think it was called lofty for a long time. That sounds so old. And also such an 80s, 90s diss. Like, trying to sort of say to people. When I was in school, I used to get called Buster Keaton. When I was at school, I used to get called Buster Keaton. Do you want to make out that you've been through some real fucking hard times?

Yeah, so when I was at school, yeah, kids used to call me Lofty. You know what I mean? There's podcasts out there, but you get these really, really harrowed stories, and some of them are awful like they're really terrible when you watch them but some of them are like that and it's like the reason that um yeah i became the fighter in the box that i am is um now when i was at school uh my nickname was lofty so uh yeah justin's what the fuck um anyway um i digress um i think if you enjoy running, do it, man. I think if you get out there and you enjoy just hitting the road

and just getting those Ks in and kilometers in, I mean, just get out there and do it, bro. Yeah, as an 11-year-old, it's amazing to hear someone getting out and actually doing something rather than sitting and playing on it. Again, I sound old again. Sitting and playing on the Xbox or the PlayStation. Rather that than you sitting playing Connect 4

or whatever, Jenga. Get yourself out there. Playing with your little stick and ball on a string. Get out there and actually get some proper exercise, son. But yeah, I think it's good man you would do what you enjoy in life what you realize is the older you get those enjoyments uh can sometimes

um become this is so don't don't enjoy it smash it enjoy it run with a smile on your face run free and run wild um and you know one day it would be my dream for me and Rom if we're ever in Australia yeah I don't know where in Australia you are but all three of us just go out for a run and you just sprint off into the distance and me and Rom are like wow man that kid is the best runner we've ever seen so yeah keep doing you bro

smash the source just so you know I'm out of that little excursion I'd love to meet you but I'm not going for a run with you. What, Tom and Romesh going for a run with an 11-year-old? Turn it around to both our wives who are already fucking, already having to sort of like,

we're constantly working. So where are you going for the next two weeks? So it's this 11-year-old. It's a podcast. Are you doing any gigs or anything? No. No, no, no, not filming anything.

Just taking like a 24-hour... Yeah, we call it the Smashasaurus tour. Oh, really? So where are you playing? We're not playing anywhere. Just go for a run with an 11-year-old. We'll probably be 12 by the time we get out of there. Anyway, great advice, Tom.

Smashasaurus, I don't think you should be worried about your weight at 11 years old. I don't think you should care about that, really. Unless the doctors have told you that there's a health problem. I don't think you need to worry about it. I think you're 11. Do you know what I mean? So however you look, you look great. So just keep running, man.

It's what makes you happy keep doing it don't worry about it absolutely don't worry about it I sort of don't know I don't I find it difficult to get my head around the parents getting annoyed that you like running so much like are you doing it randomly

like when you just run off is that what happens or are you like going I'm going for a run I mean that would be a worry if you're just running off i mean i get i guess i guess if you're 11 somebody has to come with you depending on where you live so i'm assuming that means that your parents are just getting annoyed because they have to come on a run as well i suppose but maybe if that is the problem and by the way i know i realize i've made up this problem maybe ask them to set up some sort of track. Where you can run to your heart's content and they're not worried about your safety

and you're able to do it as much as you like. It'd be amazing wouldn't it if in a couple of years time we're watching the Olympics and this Australian kid runs and wins a gold and it's him. 13 year old Australian prodigy. So he's inspired

by the two fat guys he listens to on a regular basis what was your biggest fear when you came into the Olympics that I would turn out like the wolf an hour and that's what kept me going

every time I didn't want to do training I'd look at like a video every time I slowed down and I felt like stop running I'd just put on that podcast and listen to those

big sad losers. Even their voices sound fat. The sound of two men who are actually doing quite well for themselves, it sounded a little bit like they'd given up on life, really inspired me. My guy, Smashasaurus, keep doing you, brother. Yeah, keep doing you, Smashasaurus.

Okay, to the wolf and owl um love the podcast have howled laughing at every episode on to the problem i think this is going to be close to your heart tom yeah uh my husband and i've just discovered that our favorite restaurant is closing down wow it's one of three restaurants you go to on a regular basis as our town is very small. There aren't many options outside of greasy pubs. Do you mean greasy spoons? Greasy pubs. It's an independent Mexican restaurant and we go there

a few times a month for great food and cocktails. It's always so busy so no idea why it shuts it. We've been going for years and this tragic news has shattered our world. Some of our best date nights

have been here such as when we got engaged in various birthday celebrations. Do you kid... Oh, no, it didn't say kids. Do you... Do you...... Oh, no, I didn't say kids at all. Do you wise... What is wrong with me today?

Do you wise folks have any advice on how to grieve this sudden loss? Have either of you been in this position before? Tommy Davis. Yeah. Yeah. JT, can you just play some sort of sombre music over this? Because my heart goes out to these two Gs. I feel your pain i feel it immensely through every orifice of my body i feel how sad you must feel right now

and how i don't think you're gonna say orifice broken you must both feel um my first bit of advice is this is treasure the last days of this restaurant. Go as much as you can. If that's a weekly visit, just get down there and enjoy it. Just take in all of the fixtures and fittings. Hold the staff. Talk to the staff. Get those memories in your memory bank. Just try everything on the menu.

There's probably something on that menu that you've both done oh maybe one day we'll have I don't know the chocolate and chicken enchiladas or whatever right just do it just go wild and go crazy it's like that old sort of adage of just taking off your shoes and just dancing the night away

make this Mexican restaurant your dance floor and enjoy every moment but know this as well I've been in this situation I've lost a restaurant close to my heart and I didn't think I'd ever ever find anything to replace it you know what a few short months later another place opened up and a new relationship was born and my heart smiled again, and my tummy felt full. And that, that's the circle of life, friend.

Great advice once again from Tommy Davis. My advice to you is very similar. I think you should throw a massive party at the Mexican restaurant before it closes. Boom! Like, a couple of nights before, invite everybody you know, hire out the whole restaurant,

get everybody to throw some money at it if money's an issue and just have the fucking time of your life just eat everything order everything just go

we'll have the menu times ten just get everything eat enjoy yourself have an incredible night tequila the shit out of the night yeah

invite all of the staff to tequila yeah give the restaurant a send off like it's a friend who's emigrating. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, properly go for it. Chat to the owners, thank them for what they've done. And you know what? Maybe, as the night's coming to an end, the two of them, I don't know how many people are in the restaurant, will look across at you

having a wonderful time and they'll say to each other, why the fuck are we closing this magic restaurant? Or you will give them the memory that they need to go on to what they've been you're completely you're completely

that's the more likely and then you just basically just get on your phone and you just say look can I just borrow the speakers you link up your phone to it and

then just go thank you for being a friend travel down the road and back again travel down the road and back again party's free you're a friend

and a confidant you're a pal and a confidant. You're a friend and a confidant. If I were to have a party and invite everybody, you would do the catering because you're the best Mexican in the whole world. And the card

attached would say, muchas gracias for being a friend. My guy. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products

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It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. Today. cup food it's good food in a cup visit kenora.com to learn more today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together and teaming up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters have we got time for one more email let's hit it up one more email let's sit down one more let's one let's ride in let's ride in dear wolf alan swanee sweet sweet souls this is from the dolphin wow uh my name is jimmy jimmy the dolphin and firstly i'd like to tell you how much i love your podcast i've had a pretty rough nine months as a after uh starting a quitting quick drink for a year challenge i quickly realized i had some mental health problems i had to deal with my

recreational drinking that i've been masking long story short i'm feeling a lot better after lots of therapy and cbt it's lovely hearing how open and honest you are about your own issues and i hope a lot of young people listen and realize that everyone has similar issues and insecurities if i discovered your podcast earlier i may not have ended up in such a dark place myself well that's a lovely thing to say um uh anyway by the way, the question is completely unrelated to everything that's been said. No, no, no. It's just a nice thing to say.

Big things. Anyway, I would like to know what both your opinions are on the phrase, big dick energy. Cheers from the Dolphin. Yeah, shout out, by the way, for everything you've been through, man.

Big shout out. Because, yeah, I've literally been, yeah. Been there, Mug for everything you've been through, man. Big shout out. Cause yeah, I literally have been, yeah. Been there, Mark G. Big love to you, man.

Big love. Massive love to you. Yeah. Big hug going right around your shoulder, bro. Keep doing you. I'm almost definite that when I first knew Ron, I'm pretty sure,

did you have a t-shirt that said big dick energy? No, I didn't. I'm sure that you didn't. You definitely used to use that that phrase quite a lot no I have said big dick energy

I have said big dick energy before yeah I did not have a I did not have a t-shirt saying big dick energy I'm sure I saw you in like a white t-shirt with black writing

and some skinny jeans and a pair of Converse busting out you know sounds like something I wore on one of my early episodes of Mock the

Wake to be honest with you anyway go yeah you know what I like the feeling of

big dicky I don't know what's happened to this on this podcast I like the I don't ever use the phrase

of I'm honest with you it's not something I have, I have a bit of a thing. Once somebody becomes like a massive, massive phrase like that, I just sort of,

I try and come up with my, yeah, I just, yeah. And also I just think it's a little bit like, cause actually a big dick energy to say like big dick energy is like the worst kind of human being is the person who has like, actually like people, men with big penises and the energy that they bring is not a good thing it's actually like that is not what it says on the

tin it's a real arrogance you know so uh yeah i i wouldn't actually i think the phrase is stupid doesn't really make any sense and no offense to robin or your t-shirt but yeah um okay well uh thank you for your question dolphin and can i just reiterate what tom said uh sorry you've been going for a hard time, and I'm glad you seem to be making your way out of it, man. That's really good news. And thanks for listening to the podcast. I would like to suggest average dick energy

as a better phrase off the back of what Tom said. Do you know what I mean? Also, first of all, before we get into this, I'm about to hypothesise or something. Big dick should not be associated with a positive energy okay if you've got a big dick congratulations good for you and i hope you're using it for good rather than evil but but i just think that this is like the most catagum podcast we've done so far i think it's because i stood up i mean yeah but i'm not it just feels very delirious it feels like we're both drunk oh yeah so um so i just think that those things should be disassociated i think penis dick whatever that should not be that should not be what you need

in order to have like a a mad energy where you think you're all that or whatever which i assume is what big dick energy means but average dick energy i think that's something that you know i could get on board with do you know what i mean you sort of you sort of got an average size dick and you can't you have the appropriate level of energy that goes alongside with that you're not too realistic target for your energy yeah you're a grower not a shower and you're just sort of you're out there being a jet you know being a decent bloke yeah i think that's decent yes yeah you're not walking around like oh you've got monster anyway i i regret i regret a lot of things i've said in that answer but anyway the longer the short of it is and long if we're talking about big dick energy is that uh just do you just do you

just do you just do you yeah okay tommy i was gonna say let your dick be in talking but don't do that either um yo you want me to wrap this up yeah please there was a wise mountain man by the name of elliot uh coulston elliot coulston was always walking up and down mountains and he'd walk alone but one gentle day as he was climbing the mountain a mountain goat came up and walked alongside him and when eddie started the conversation the goat ran into the mountains and as eddie climbed a little bit further the mountain goat came out he was just in front of the track and Elliot saw him and Elliot tried to scarper a little bit further up the track to catch him and the mountain goat ran off and then a little bit further up the

track Elliot was quite a long way up the mountain now and he looked around he saw the goat was just behind him and he was like all right so he stopped for a little bit and took a little breather and let the goat catch him up and then the goat ran in front of him and Elliot started walking again. Elliot got to the top of the mountain and he sat there and he took a little moment in and he thought out of all the mountain climbs it's the best I've ever done and a voice came from behind him and it said it's because we completed it together and he looked around and the old mountain goat was there and he said but we didn't walk together and the goat said no but when you needed something to chase I gave you something to chase and when you needed some a time when you felt like

you were beating something I stood behind and let you feel like you're winning and at the times when it felt that you needed someone to walk beside you i was there also elliot turns to the current strokes his long mane and fiddles with his horns for a bit and turns and says well you might just be the best climbing companion i've ever had and the goat said i am just goat. The moral of the story is this. In life, you don't know where your inspiration is going to come from. Sometimes when you're trying to climb a mountain within, you might need something to chase, and sometimes you might need something to chase you,

and sometimes you might just need your hand being held. Look for support wherever you can because we all need a goat to help us up our own mountains yo wow that's great um guys we're at the end of the podcast can we apologize for the quality drop i think there has been a quality drop as a result of me standing and shout to you as well for wearing the green hat through the whole thing yeah yeah i think i might get kicked out the villa for this um can i say uh a big thank you to lucy the leopard who has suggested a song for us to go out on this week i also want to apologize to all the small businesses we haven't shouted out yet we've been getting loads

yeah maybe joshua rob Robert just better human beings really every week let's start from next week we're also going out on Thursdays you'll know this because this is a Thursday that you're listening to this probably so we're going out on Thursdays because Tom believes that it gives us an extra day

despite it just still being a week between podcasts no it's an extra week day, isn't it, though? It's exact words where it takes the pressure off. Doing it once a week, moving from once a week to once a week. Anyway, Lucy Leopard... I like the idea. Let's see how Thursday goes.

I mean, fucking hell, there's no organisation to any of this. Lucy Leopard has said this. Could you play Chesney Hawks, the one and only, for whenever you need some self-belief? Wolf and Owls, thank you for listening to the podcast.

And all of you, we're sorry about this episode. This is Chesney Hawks, the one and only, dedicating this to the Smashasaurus. You are Smashasaurus you are our one and you are our only thank you bye bye

I am the one and only nobody I'd rather be I am the one and only you can't take that away from me. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. Mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.