Wolf and Owl - S3 Ep 4: Keith The Ulcer & Showbiz Pals

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Apologies again, more internet woes this week - but the show must go on! We’re talking… feeling sorry for ourselves, too much tour chat, Keith the worry ulcer, Radio 2 get-togethers, baggy vs skinny jeans, The One Show appearances and showbiz pals, Below Deck disagreements, disappearing oil, empty drink cans and TikTok algorithms. And don’t miss our special FILM PITCHES bonus episode - coming on Friday. For questions or comments, please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com/ A Shiny Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff, a puff and a...

Expect killings. Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome once again to The Wolf and Al.

And, uh... Well, how's it? Well, I'm just gonna after our conversation last week i uh yeah spoke to my internet provider yeah you're gonna drop a minute now around yesterday you think you are you gonna are you gonna say it is yet well it's sky it's it's sky okay okay so i uh phoned them they sent some around i thought it was okay and then we've not been able to get on the zoom again so it's sort of like now accruing sort of time in it it's sort of like it must be at least nearly 45 minutes this year in 2024 already where we've just sat quietly just sort of trying to work out what's going on.

Well, I mean, what I would say is that my reaction to this not working is disproportionate in terms of like just pure rage. We're doing these early in the morning because we're both busy. I mean, you get up and then you start trying to do it and it doesn't work and it makes me feel really sad. I mean, it's a very dark start to this, but it does make me feel deeply,

deeply sad. I, I, it's, it's, I'm actually really frustrated. I don't know what to do. And,

and also the other thing is, is, is I'm slightly nervous that it's something I've done. Like he'll go to me, like the guy will come around and check it and go something like, do you do really big shits? Because sometimes that can affect the internet. Or he'll be like, have you been messing around with the freedom loop or something like that?

Yeah, yeah. Or when you're watching TV, did you press this sequence of buttons? Very few people do it. The thing that really frustrates me with these modern companies when it comes to, so yeah, I yeah, I've hardly, when we talk vaguely about this, but I hardly step, I've got my first show back tonight, tour show, hardly stepped last night because of anxiety. I literally just lay in bed just looking at the ceiling, just think, and like, check it, just begging for six o'clock to arrive so I could go and have a little workout. Nothing worked in the gym. Like, it's like sort of the gremlins have got into the situation. So then I got more frustrated. And what was meant to be the time when I went in?

What I don't get, right, is all this modern shit that we have, internet, electricity, it's just fucking so annoying, isn't it? It's so frustrating. This is such privileged chat, isn't it? It is very privileged chat. Yeah. I went to my gym, and the stuff wasn't working in my own gym,

and then I came here to do my weekly podcast, and it's not working. Listen, I'm not having a go at you. No, no, no. I was guilty, man. No, but my gym isn't... It's not like I've got a high-tech Mark Wahlberg gym. It's a garage with a fucking treadmill that doesn't work

and a bike that doesn't work. So essentially, I've got a high-tech mark walberg gym it's a garage with a fucking treadmill that doesn't work on a bike that doesn't work so essentially i've got a garage full of broken things and some weights so at the moment the bike sounds a little like my mind everyone's just tuning in going oh god this one i was fucking sorry for themselves you know the trouble is i felt really positive yesterday yeah me too i was a sea of positivity just trip like skipping through the day and now i just i've come to like isn't it a fucking mad thing that how a bad night's sleep right and a few things not working in the morning can completely just fucking erupt your head um yeah i i i i'm no apologies to those of you that have, as I always say, tuned in, logged on to,

clicked on to the Wolf and I podcast. I mean, this is a bad thing to say, by the way, is we should, someone told me we've never asked for subscribers and we should do. I mean, just sit after the,

I mean, this is not the opening to the show that we should probably be asking for subscribers. Yeah. I think, I think, I think the eight people that have subscribed might be on clicking now off the back of this opening yeah um but i just off the back of you

talking about your show i do need to publicly apologize to lisa who's heard me talk about nothing you know it's about privileged chat she's heard me talk about nothing but my tour and how the show is going and how it's coming together and stuff. I mean, I really, the idea, you and I are both like basically living our work dream, right? We're doing exactly what we want to do. And I know that Catherine has, but Lisa has been incredibly supportive through all of that.

Like incredible, right? She's a hero to me, right? For how amazing she's been for all of this. And yet that poor woman has to listen to me go, you know how I'm chasing my dreams and I'm doing what I want? Well, it didn't go quite exactly how I wanted it to go today. Could you please listen to me talk about it? It didn't quite go. I'm a bit upset that it's not going exactly the way that I wanted it to.

Please listen to me and feel sorry for me. It's so tragic, man. I've started to now, because it's been like a year or so, and so I've sort of started to hold those feelings inside and sort of give myself what I think is quite a bad ulcer in my stomach. And now I'm talking to the ulcer. It's like I'm naming him you're right keith morning keith oh keith you're very bernie today you're worried about the show tonight

putting putting my fucking own anxiety and mental woe into keith the ulcer the ulcer's literally looking at other parts of my organs going is he always like this he's been an absolute nightmare since i've moved in it's a fucking head case isn't it I can't I've had some I've been I tell you what I feel stronger every day that's the weird thing

I don't mind it I've been an ulcer on a number of people's stomachs but this guy's fucking pathetic isn't he I'm almost I'm almost full

from all the anxiety he's feeding me I feel like I've seen him calm down it's too much I can only eat so much. I felt like overly, I was getting a train home yesterday

and just felt that overly anxious feeling. And like, and it is like, you try, do you, with anxiety, you try and sort of peg it on different things.

I know it's a show. I know it's that. But I'm trying to peg it on other different things to try and sort of make in my mind that I know what I'm doing with the fucking stand-up show. Yeah, well that, but I'm trying to peg it on other different things to try and sort of make in my mind that I know what I'm doing with the fucking stand-up show. Yeah, well... But then I'm trying to peg it on... What I find that I do is I sort of go,

well, I'm not stressed about that, so all of these things that I'm feeling now must be something else. And then I start trying to look for the other thing, and then I go, hold on, the tour's starting this week, that must be what it is. For some reason, I want to be in denial about it it's so bizarre i i got into a tisier last night about soap like even now like i've washed my hands about 20 times my hands still don't smell really clean um i had a few i know we've talked about this before but like i went

to this radio two presenters get together yesterday right yeah and oh wow yeah so i went with oh it was like this official thing it's not like we didn't it's not like some secret you know illuminati party like a like mason's party no it wasn't like that it was just like a talk about you get a handshake when you become like a like a full-time radio tour do you get like a radio two handshake. Like your hands shake and then at the end you go, it's two. No. No. But all the Radio 2 presenters were there last night. But in the middle of talking, I went with Beckett.

And in the middle of talking to somebody, I became utterly convinced of two things. And I know we've talked about this before. I was in the middle of a long conversation with a group of people and i became utterly convinced that one my breath was absolutely honking and two i had a massive a massive booger sticking out my nose i didn't know about i mean as as i was talking my nose started to feel it and i thought this does feel like i've got something and then all the evidence would point to a massive yeah and then as i'm talking i started like looking i started thinking what genuinely i'm in the middle of a conversation with like i think like derma and claudia winkelman or something

like this right and i start looking down and talking i'd say just quickly knowing a little those two a little bit i think both of them would say if you had a that's why that's what i'd hope that's what i'd hope but i started looking down and talking more quietly because i felt like if i didn't and like if I didn't enunciate... I don't think even... I think maybe, like myself, Beckett, there's probably three or four people who would tell you about your breath.

I don't think Beckett would. Do you know what? Really? I think Beckett would tell me afterwards. That's... He would go, mate, by the way, the entire time, it smelled like a kebab had died in your throat.

I'd tell you there, I think. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah um but it made me intensely paranoid and i found i just became utterly convinced of it then um people saw me basically turning my camera on my phone and sort of looking deep into my face to see if i had anything going on yeah Because they might be thinking that there's like a sort of ego trip now that you're sort of looking at yourself thinking how hot you look. I know. I'm doing some sort of impression. Did you have your sunglasses on? No, I didn't.

But I do think I dressed slightly too smart for the event. What were you wearing? Well, i was just wearing like a little kind of casual suit thing like shirt everybody else is wearing like just jeans and stuff i felt like a bit of a knob yeah but you're not really a jeans guy now are you well actually my oldest son has told me that uh my oldest son theo's told me i was talking like i'm on this morning for some reason Theo's told me that um jeans are not cool anymore although he's just bought another pair of jeans so maybe it just

means that my jeans aren't cool I don't know but yeah but it's baggy jeans now I've brought I've brought a pair of light blue sort of baggy jeans and I wore them the other day took me a while to sort of work out what shoes to wear with them it yeah it was quite the uh yeah quite the uh forgot the fiasco out in the old david's household that morning i was really like yeah yeah stonewashed blue jeans god bless catherine freaking out but what i would say is um theo's bought a big back pair of baggy jeans that's exactly what he did so well done for having your finger on the pulse but i looked at the jeans on him and i thought i can't pull that look there's some things you've got to go do you know what i've got to let that thing pass me by i i can't pull that look there's some things you've got to go do you know

what i've got to let that thing pass me by i i don't are you still wearing the other you're still wearing like a skinny jeans i don't wear i've i don't wear skinny jeans i don't i've ever worn skinny jeans actually unlike unlike unlike you i know that you've all a pair of uh ones that look like this the old uh religion identifiers i i i was so into really, like, no jean would be skinny enough. Like, genuinely to the point, I had, you know, I had two pairs of jeggings, essentially. Yeah. The problem with those is, and I've even noticed this,

I did a warm-up show the other week in Bury, and they had a photographer there who took photos of me. My, just whatever I wear on the top half, it always looks like my top is so much bigger than my legs. Do you know what I mean? So it just looks like... I've never not looked like a cut and shut. Do you know what I mean? It's mad.

No, I have exactly the same thing. But now I'm emphasising... I'm not going mad back here. I can imagine Theo's a bit... I'm going sort of... There's a looser cut of trouser. I like a looser tuner. Oh, fine okay i thought you're talking about like mc hammer or some like that oh no no no no no i mean i do love a uh what are they called like a power and power how was the what else was the sort of feeling that the radio two thing was it a good vibe they were just talking about what's happening over the next year and stuff like that

it's just quite um i mean it's just a bit surreal do you know what I mean I've had quite a long quite a long chat with Tony Blackburn oh really Beckett's quite good mates with him isn't he well Beckett really gets I really get on with him as well

I just think like I know it doesn't sound like it on paper that you'd that you'd be mates but he's just like such a funny bloke like he is sound I guess it's because he's just like such a funny bloke like he is I guess it's because

he's been doing it for so long he doesn't give a shit but I mean he does give a shit about doing a good but do you know what I mean he's just like he's just enjoying the ride or whatever

I like people like that was Lauren Laverne there no no yeah I like Lauren Laverne yeah I did that one show the other night

she's very sweet oh yeah how did the one show go I enjoyed it actually all the times I've done it I know you enjoyed it because you brought into the conversation

apropos of nothing no I didn't Lauren Laverne has a Radio 2 show if you follow the breadcrumbs of like the investigation I'm like was Lauren Laverne there

no oh right she was probably doing the one show hmm okay how was the one show what were you promoting

Wonka or the tour no the tour I mean Wonka doesn't really need any promotion Jesus fucking Christ not only

not only have you drunk the Kool-Aid it's coming out your pores mate no no because it's not it's not you know

it's been out for a while yeah and also it doesn't it doesn't need it's profile raised does it I mean that's essential no no not by not by myself I mean it's not out for a while yeah it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't need its profile raised is it i mean that's essentially no no not by someone not not by myself i mean it's not like

shall i make knocking around fucking still pushing it he's on to his next thing now uh mainly the tour if i'm honest which is quite nice yeah i did have that thing do you um like i cracked a joke on there which i think they they faded my mic for, but, um, so also on the show is Nick Grimshaw. Yeah. Sweet Nick. Um, and,

uh, he was talking about like, they said, oh, you know, as they did, I led into a question. I said, oh,

Nick, um, you've got a thing with cinema, haven't you? A funny scene. You're, you've, you're quite nervous with this,

you know, how cinemas work and what, uh, you know, you've had a bit of an incident. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. when I was a lad

when I was a little boy I went to the cinema and I saw a mouse and then I said it wasn't Mickey was it Jesus Christ I mean that is funny in the moment to be fair yeah I mean it's not like I'll put it into the but and then Alex and Lauren

and Annie all sort of chuckled but no one else heard it I was genuinely like on the show I know what would have happened you would have been really proud of that Mickey Mouse joke and then you would have left hoping that socials had blown up off the back of it

and you saw nothing I literally called Catherine and Catherine was like that was a really nice interview you talked about mental health but what about the Mickey Mouse joke and she was like that was a really nice interview you talked about mental health and you were really oh yeah but what about the Mickey Mickey Mouse joke and she was like

what Mickey Mouse joke and I was like just rewind it to the bit when I asked and then I got back and I played it to see it and you couldn't hear me

say it really yeah do you know what I like doing is after I go on the one show I phone Lisa and I go how did I do on the one show she goes

you were on the one show tonight and when I first when I first did it i was like obviously it's like super super it's the most mainstream tv gets pretty much right and so so i'm always very nervous about saying something i say very nervous i'm not really nervous but like you know you you sort of think there is a risk that you might say something inappropriate for that time slot or whatever do you know i mean mean? Because we're used to being a bit closer to the edge, one might say. And the first time I did it, they're talking about,

we're talking about weight for some reason. And I just said, my weight goes up and down. I said, I'm like an Asian Luther Vandross. I don't think anything of it in the moment, right? And then I left the show and loads of people complaining about me making a joke about luther vandross and how he had a serious illness and it was really out of order that i'd made that joke and it was like like i thought i'm never gonna get asked back on what was what was so luther vandross what was his illness i don't know i don't know actually i did look it up at

the time because i felt really bad but um i think he had some sort of weight related condition do you know what i mean that the the weight oscillating and i just made a throwaway line about his weight and it was uh it was not well received put it that way by the one stream the one stream the one show faithful yeah i had one with uh on sunday brunch when i used the cottony wine and slang toe pump oh no what happened did they actually speak to you or was it did they have to make an apology yeah someone

spoke to me I don't know if they made an apology they spoke to me afterwards and I said I didn't think

I thought the only people who'd get it would be the people who knew what the Cockney Wine Stang was

and then because they knew what the Cockney Wine Stang was they wouldn't be offended because they thought it was funny

and they were like no it's when you turn around and say oh oh, yeah, the fellow was there and he was acting like a complete toe pun, it doesn't really... It's... Just sort of going, I wonder what he means by that. Yeah, that's a bit of...

Let me try and unlock that rhyming slang. There's the same thing with Burke, though, isn't it? With what? Yeah. With Burke? Yeah. What do you mean, Burke? Is it what, the word, like, calling what do you mean Burke is it what the word like calling someone a

Burke cool Burke is short for Berkeley Hunt oh really yeah oh wow I never knew that hmm because Burke is they use Burke in what's it called all the time

don't they what fucking Ronnie Barker's old fucking brains gone I'm literally like fucking old Ben at the moment I'm not fucking it bodes well for the show tonight yeah do you know what I think I'm literally like an old man at the moment I'm not fucking it bodes well

for the show tonight do you know what I think I'm thinking so much about the show nothing else is going in my mind it's literally just a blank canvas

also it's going to be great man we went to me and Catherine went to we went into London on date night on Saturday night

which was lovely had a bite to eat and then we went to see Guys and Dolls with Danny Mays Danny Mays is fucking amazing right date night on Saturday night, which was lovely. Had a bite to eat. And then we went to see Guys and Dolls with Danny Mays. Danny Mays is fucking amazing, right? Mate, he's one of the best. He's incredible. I've worked twice with him,

and I've known Danny for a long time through friends and whatever. And it blows my fucking mind how he could... Obviously, he's Line of Duty, he's some of the drama, he's Dez and whatever. He's an incredible drama actor he's great comedy do you go and watch him do a musical and he's fucking phenomenal in that um yeah um yeah are we is this is this um listen i i don't i'm not undermining what we've said about danny mays i think he's a fabulously talented actor i've just been thinking about the conversation we've had so far very much much feels like Tom and Ron talk about their show Biz Pals so far. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. We were sort of skirting very close to becoming everything we feared that we would be. The one show. Yeah, absolutely. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late,

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I had a fucking panic last night, right? You were a panic attacker? No, I was watching last night, right? So, listen to this. What, panic attacker? No, I was watching Below Deck, right? After I came back from the Radio 2 thing. You've just got into Below Deck, haven't you? No, I've been into it for ages. Where are you?

Are you in the latest ones yet? I'm on the penultimate series of Below Deck Mediterranean. Oh, I'm on the last series at the moment. I mean, I've yeah hoovered it up but um so I was watching it last night

and have you watched series 8 with Captain Sandy and Storm's the Bosun have you watched that one yeah yeah I've watched them all

yeah yeah so Storm says I liked Storm by the way Storm was a fucking yeah he's good he's got something about him but I don't think

he appears in any of the later ones I googled it so anyway no no he's not in the's got something about him. But I don't think he appears in any of the later ones. I Googled it. So anyway... No, no, he's not in the latest one. There's a real incident with the Bosun. The Bosun in Series 9 will blow your mind. I don't know if you'll be able to cope with it.

I think I'll be able to cope with it. I don't know what not coping with it would look like. I'd just switch to TV and say, at least I can't take this anymore. Who is... What's his name in there? He's one of the fucking interiors

guy. Kyle. Kyle, fuck me. What? He's maybe my most annoying character on any reality show. Can I tell you something, what I think, right?

Because this is genuinely how I feel about Kyle. I love him. What? Yeah, I do. and what yeah I do I do I really do oh fuck off

really yeah I genuinely oh mate I'm sorry yeah he in the new series I've

I've almost had to get up and watch Below Deck I've not watched the new series so I don't he might listen they turn they turn

that's what's great about Below Deck you love one person even in the even in the even in the series you're watching he's so irritating if I was like at sea with him i'd go off for fuck's sake another i mean i'd be working exterior yeah without a doubt yeah well look what i would say to that is i was what do you think you'd be by the way would you be interior or exterior uh i'd probably be one

of the officers that's not allowed on camera no No, no, no, you wouldn't. I think I'd be third, Stu. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't. Yeah, I think you'd probably be... I think you'd be really good interior. You're good at organising stuff. No, I'm not. You'd be like...

I think you'd be second, Stu. And then I'd be like probably the one below the bosun. And then we'd have quite a funny relationship. Yeah. And you'd be like, and then i'd be like probably the one below the boats and and then like we'd have a funny relationship yeah yeah and you'd be like oh fucking hell like yeah i'd probably sort of gossiping under the under the boat and saying i can know that that big guy's really funny just having a cigarette on the bow just going what's going on with these guys man honestly it's just i honestly i went back they'd not done the bloody master cabin. So obviously Muggins here has to go and do it. By the way,

what happened with you and the line off the stern there earlier? You nearly fucked up the docking. Mate, the thing that makes me laugh is, neither of us work in, I used to hate working in an environment like that. Now all of the TV choices I make are basically based around watching people at work. And I can't watch these programs like a normal viewer.

I can't sit there and just go, oh, that's quite amusing. I get really invested. So how's Carl and Natalia's relationship at the moment? Well, actually, the latest argument I've watched is uh i thought carl was in the wrong because uh natalia went off to do this beach picnic thing yeah with them and then she said can you make sure you do the vip cabin which was like the the the primary guest had said that she always likes her cabin clean yeah so so they've got she's gone off to the beach they were on the boat and then she came back

and then the first thing that Kyle said is you're going to need to get started on the VIP company and not done it so they got into this big argument then Kyle's slagging her off to, but everything I'm saying now by the way does not paint Kyle in a very good way so I don't know, I've just literally said I love the girls this is my problem with Kyle

he's such a devious kind of character he's lazy and he's such a devious kind of character he's not he's lazy and he's not very nice yeah like yeah who's the other girl who she sort of like

she was going out with the chef started going out with the chef then she dumped yeah God that was a real mess well I felt

I felt a bit I mean he sent a series of this is so mental if you've not watched any of this this is going to be nothing but he sent a series of horrible texts to her didn't he

to be fair to be fair to her but then she's obviously addicted to being in a relationship no no no but I thought both of them it was just very toxic the whole but he also

like so pathetic when I watch programmes like this I think I never had any sort of like of these love triangles or any of these

I was never in a situation I would have been the guy just out there just grafting a bit any sort of these love triangles or any of these. I was never in a situation. I would have been the guy just out there just grafting a bit or sort of hitting my head on things. Do you know what I would have been? Genuinely, I would have been the one, like even if I'd be on 10 seasons, right, not a single even fucking coming close to a romantic interaction with anybody. And then it would be like, what about Romesh?

Oh, he's sweet. He sort of keeps himself... He gets a bit quiet sometimes, doesn't he? I mean, I like a bit... It's like sort of going, would you go out with your dog? You know? Yeah, well, Romesh is like the big sister of the interior. Captain Sandy would absolutely love you.

Do you know what I like? I'm talking to one of the stews that I really fancy. And she goes, do you know what I love about you? Do you know what I absolutely love about you? And I go, what? That I can talk to you about relationships and guys that I like. And then some fucking meathead from the

exterior walks past and she's going oh he's so fucking deep and then I start doing things to try and like undermine it I don't think he's good enough for you I don't think he's good enough

Romesh you are so you are so sweet you are so what would I do without my big brother Uncle Rom what would I do without Uncle Rom

also you'd be like 44 and still second shoe just just Captain Sandy going Romesh to the bridge Romesh to the bridge

and they just go up there yes yep yep Cap I'm coming up yeah what do you need to talk to me about Romesh it's occurred to me

you really are too old to be i mean it's not a job thing you're doing well at the job like you're doing really great like really happy with what you do it's just your life i'm worried i just want to have a chat with you about your life and the choices you've made and no one wants to share a cabin with you because you lie awake at night screaming why do you keep looking in the mirror going why do you keep looking in the mirror going i am happy with my choices is actually putting off some of the guests you're saying it quite loud do you know the feeling i can't i mean you've watched eight series of it right i mean i've what have you watched the american like both versions the like mediterranean and the other one caribbean right

um what i can't get is that every series even this latest series, there is a bosun or a lead deckhand who essentially just, there's a romance that takes place up until the penultimate episode, and then the fucking exterior-like guy will basically turn around and sort of say, I'm not really invested in this. I know we've planned to go to fucking Carbo,

but fucking, yeah, I'm not really into it. And then you realise that they've got a girlfriend back at home it happens every fucking series I mean yeah but I think that's just how they that's how they live

I think they're just in like this intense situation on the boat and then they feel like they're in love with somebody and then as soon as they get released

out into the wild they're like they realise what their options are whereas I would be like the boat is my for me it'd be like the boat is my for me it'd be like

the boat is my only fucking option I need to find love on this boat I've got nothing going on off this onshore

what the fuck is going on just the scene of you just brushing Captain Sandy's hair she's amazing isn't she Captain Sandy

yeah I went I didn't go off her but I thought some of her decisions I didn't agree with in previous seasons, but she's really redeemed herself. She gets stuck in,

and yeah, I like, have you been watching The Traitors yet? Well, actually, before we get onto The Traitors, the reason I started talking about

Below Deck is on last night's episode that I was watching, she says to Storm, we're going to refuel the yacht, and Storm goes, how much are we getting? And she says, 20,000 litres. And at that point,

20,000 litres of gasoline or petrol or whatever. And then I was like, fucking hell, that's a lot. And I thought, have we even got 20,000 litres in the world? And then I googled how much petrol is there left? This is off the back of this thing. How much petrolled how much petrol is there left? Right, this is off the back of this thing.

How much petrol do you think we've got left? Well, how much, I don't know. On the planet. Two billion litres. Don't worry about litres.

How long do you think we've got left? I don't know. 100 years? 150 years? 50 years. 47, in fact.

What? Yes. Are you joking? Well, that's fucking hell. Someone needs to pull up these boats. That's insane. 47 years of fucking petrol left. Yeah.

Yeah, I was shocked too, man. That's what happened. She said 20,000 litres, and I thought, how have we not run out of petrol yet? Because we're using it at this... I mean, that's just one fucking yacht. Yeah, and there's loads of yachts in the world, mate. There's loads of yachts.

It's a really insightful thing to say. Yeah, there's loads of yachts. So... But even more than yachts, there's cars. More cars than yachts. Mate, what a great point. What a fucking great point. Well done.

And that's something that a lot of people listening wouldn't have occurred to them. But you're right. It's not just yachts. It's cars. Cars use a lot of fuel as well, don't they? Can you name any other vehicles? Motorbikes, planes. Yeah, good, good.

So hold up. So hold up. 47 years. And that's at the moment, right? And as you know, our population is growing. So there might be more cars, more boats. You're right. You're right.

You're making really good. These are all really good points, man. So what are we going to do? I mean, there we go. There's the real question. I've got no idea. So basically, it's going to be electric cars. Well, they're moving towards it.

I mean, Jesus Christ. I think we're about 20 years behind the fucking curve. We've only just discovered that fuel might be running out. Join us in 2026 when we start talking about the fact that global warming might be a thing. No, but when it comes to it, right, I thought that there was loads more out in Saudi and stuff. I thought that they had only touched like five.

Yeah, this is including. Really? This is including Saudi. Because I read a thing about them that they had only touched like five. Yeah, this is including. Really? This is including sales. Because I read a thing about them that they only touched like 5% of their oil reserves. I don't know if that's true. I mean, what it said when I Googled it is currently declared reserves. So it's possible that, I don't know, somebody's sitting on. Oh, mate.

And also that we haven't gone over the whole world to work out if there's oil knocking about in other places we didn't know it was. Oil can be very, well, literally by its definition is slippery, right? So it can be... So you're in a situation where if any... The way you said that, by the way, it was so pleased with yourself. I imagine it's a similar delivery to that Mickey Mouse joke that you delivered on the one show.

Very much so. That nobody heard. Very much so. That's why I really needed this to hit home. But I reckon it's oil pumped up somewhere that we didn't even think about. I reckon the Arctic have probably got loads, mate, that they don't even know about.

Yeah, we need to start drilling into the Arctic, get that fucking taken to pieces and see if there's any oil under there. Under the pure ice? No, but under the seabed because no one's fucking... Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. No one's searching around down there, mate, because it's too cold. No.

Yeah, we need to explore more areas. Let's not look for alternative energy sources. Let's just keep fucking ripping this bitch apart until we find every last bit of oil. Yo, you've got a can of Coke and you're trying to get that last little drop out so it doesn't fucking get in the bottom of your recycling bin. Oh, mate.

I don't think there's many, but I'm... To be honest with you, I'm slightly addicted to Coke Zero. Yeah, I've noticed that with you. Yeah. I've not had a can since showing you the first. Okay. But, I mean, there are other vices that I think need addressing before you start cancering a calorie-free drink.

Yeah, but it's not the calories with Coke. I mean, you need to be careful of this. It's that fucking stuff they put in it. A soup, a stupid hand or something like that? A stupid hand, yeah.

A Spartan. Is it called a Spartan? Yeah. A stupid hand in someone who's doing very well for me on Fantasy Premier League.

No, is it called a Spartan? A Spartan, yeah. Yeah. You've got to be very careful out there. Well, I've been doing TikTok research into that. Right, okay. And. You've got to be very careful. Well, I've been doing TikTok research into that.

Right, okay. And I'm finding very conflicting bits of advice. Some people think that's a load of bullshit. It's totally fine. And other people are telling me that you need to give up immediately. Yeah, but my thing is, just air on the fucking side of caution with it, mate. Don't cough it back eight cans a day. I'm not coughing 80 cans a day.

Eight, eight. I am airing on the side of caution. So how many cans do eight cans a day. I'm not coughing 80 cans a day. Eight, eight. I am erring on the side of caution. So how many cans do you want a day? I would say I'm not having more than two a day. Okay. But that's still quite a lot, isn't it? No, I mean, look, one or two. I think two is just about...

I'm saying once I get back out on tour, I usually have one halfway through the tour, I'll have a Coke, just to give me that extra lift for the second half. Do you mean during the interval, or do you mean halfway through the whole tour, you'll have a celebratory Coke? Halfway through the whole tour.

Yeah, I'll have one at Christmas, but that also got in the way of what was my Christmas Coca-Cola. No, but I was up to three or four cans a day. I do everything in excess, so I can't, yeah. Yeah. But is there much better there are much better feelings but it's a pretty good feeling when you pick up the can and it's

slightly more than you and you thought that was in there right i mean it's good yeah but also i would arguably say i don't think anyone's ever properly finished off a can of drink ever what the fucking hell does that mean mate i will tell you now right i'll tell you now anytime i've had a party or people have been around or whatever, you will go around and, like, think that the can's empty. And if you pour it in the sink, and even if someone sucked the bottom out of it, there'll be a little couple of drizzles in it.

There'll be some drips in it. I'll tell you now, mate. I don't think anyone in the history of people has ever finished a can of drink properly. Okay. So you're saying that includes a little dribble at the bottom? Is that what you're saying there right so imagine can you pitch your can in your head for me right yeah i didn't need it didn't need setting up like that but yeah so at the bottom of it you've got this little ring bit right

yes yes yes okay that will hold at least i'd say i don't know like a milligram of fucking liquid maybe two right when you come to putting that in your recycling bin like sometimes my recycling bin's at the bottom of a swamp you don't have that yeah i mean i can't imagine it's a problem for you because you just sort of dump it in your neighbor's bin there sometimes no but i do i i would arguably say anyone today well have a can of drink you know of any kind of drink even a can of water if you're trying to be healthy

which you know I completely salute and then at the end of it drink all you can and then just go like that and tip it up and I guarantee

a couple of drops will fall out yeah or just don't do that and realise that you know what Tom means it's up to you though whatever you decide to do but yeah

yeah but there's nothing better than that fucking ice cold cola that is a beautiful you know when you crack it you fucking sup it it's a darling of a feeling bro it really is okay are you carrying out a lot of your research on tiktok no i'm not what i'm saying is i don't place too much stock in what i find on tiktok because there's no you know a lot of people can i say what it's all about tiktok right and i i need to err on the side of caution here um my algorithm for some reason has led me to a couple uh on there and i know you're in you've

seen them as well because we've chatted about it um oh i look i mean they're there so they're called dan and lucy right um it blows my mind right i've watched quite a lot of their stuff now because for some reason it's popped up constantly on my on my page like i can't right so we talk about reality tv when we're talking about something that's structured reality and and i'm obsessed you know i've watched every married at first sight you know the blah blah blah as you well know right like this thing i've never seen something that's so openly sharing or i'm like is this real like like so let's just split up right and now there's these sort of long monologues that dan is doing i'm like this just feels like like it feels like someone should have an arm around him yeah and he shouldn't be sharing this on tiktok no i generally worry a bit about it i

worry about that that is in like as someone with a kid and you've got kids and i worry like is this what the world is becoming that people are now thinking that and it's really because i've watched that now my algorithm i've started to get more and more of these sort of like people just sharing their problems on tiktok and i'm whilst i think look i'll be open and share the responses they get are so toxic and not what they're looking for it kind of makes me worry about society well i agree with that i mean like i know what i can tell you is I know that I'm pretty sure that Dan

listens to this podcast but I think that like this whole trend of well look he's gone for a break up right

yeah no and which we've gone through yeah but I think that part of the nature of like sharing that sort of stuff is um he's got i think people get used to sharing that sort of stuff and then they think it's a natural thing

to share it online and like you said unfortunately people on social media apps are not particularly or a lot of people can be particularly unkind on On TikTok, it seems to be particularly, do you know what I mean? Like they're sort of quite vicious. So I don't know if you're getting what you want to get out of it. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it feels like you're opening yourself up to like more. I mean, look, my opinion would be, and I know there can be a cost implication to this, but my instinct with this is to deal with it privately

and maybe speak to somebody else like a therapist or somebody or get some help elsewhere, do you know what I mean? Rather than trying to therapise yourself on social media, I feel like you're in a hiding to nothing, do you know what I mean? But I respect the fact of talking about how you're feeling, but the thing is, it's just like, you know, when I first saw that first video of him,'ve been really really upset about it i genuinely was like has he got no one else to talk to like you know i'm more worried than the fact that and then when

i read the comments underneath it i was like oh my god this is horrible like like i know i know and then like to then see... It's such a mad thing, right? Because I've only just started using TikTok. And I realised that that probably uses more of an algorithm than anything else. And all of a sudden, everything that I'm watching is like that. Well, actually, while we're talking about this,

I can tell you that I was in the car with Graz yesterday, the other day, tour manager extraordinaire. And he told me that your algorithm is giving you nothing but people draining their spots or whatever. Yeah. And like bursting pimples and stuff like that. So your algorithm's giving you loads of that. No, no, can I just say that?

And he said that you sit next to him in the car, right? And you scroll through loads of these videos. And then every now and again, as he's driving you home after tour show, you put your phone in his face and go, by the way, he reported it much more kindly than this,

but I've interpreted it in the way that I assume it's happening. You put the phone right in his face. You go, have a look at this. Oh my God, that's disgusting. Great, so have a look. Have a look. Why are you doing this voice?

I've got a fucking bone to pick right away with you. Yeah, go on. You've done fucking chicken run. Essentially, you've used my fucking voice in chicken run. You fucking sneaky prick. I saw you do this fucking interview with Jonathan Ross and you're going, and he's going, oh,

you know, where did you come up with this voice? And you're like, I don't know where it's come from. I'm like, it's my wife's voice, you

fucking cheeky ****. If we're going to talk about people doing impressions of each other, I think you're very much in a glass house there mate you

like your your impression of me has become the fucking signature catchphrase of the podcast no but i'm not fucking i turn man and i'll do that voice i mean i do it on stage but not as someone goes oh that's promise i'm like oh fair enough anyhow yeah look so just quickly when it comes to the tiktok spots oh that was my algorithm. This is disgusting to say. I think I've watched every TikTok spot video now. That can't be true. Mate, they come up there. I've not seen a new...

I mean, it's very... I mean, it's disgusting. I don't know how you got addicted to it. It's disgusting. It's horrible. It is horrible. I can't remember seeing a new version, a new one. I'm like, oh, fuck, I haven't seen this one before.

I literally am like, yeah, seen it, seen it. Done it, done it, completed it. Oh, and by the way, let me say, I had a fucking, like, a spot on my shoulder this morning. What do you think about going viral? Put some, like, dance music underneath it. A bit of, like, Adele, like, hello. I was very close to to

filming it i mean it wasn't as dramatic as some of them are some of them by the way and you need to know this they close in really tight and it looks worse yeah okay okay please please please i don't want to hear about it and i must feel sick i'd sooner watch that than watch the family dance around oh i mean that are getting quite big now. I think they did a radio show recently and taught one of the presenters to do one of their dances. Yeah, they did that. They did Christmas number one. I'm sure they're nice people.

I just don't understand it. Yeah. Well, I'm sure they'll look at your tiktok and realize what you know how to be creative on that app you're such a slimy prick you know i've got no idea what i'm doing on tiktok honestly genuinely what makes you say that i know instagram i feel at home on instagram yeah yeah yeah i have no idea what I'm doing on TikTok I feel like TikTok like I'm a guy who's walked into a fucking rave

and I've got no idea what the music is it blows my mind I feel very I feel old on TikTok and that's probably why I'm a bit like the family

because the dad is he seems so happy with it yeah I mean they've got they've you know they're doing their thing and

it angers some people for some reason. I don't find it angry. I just question... I do think you are angry. No, no, no. I question when you're doing a big dance number in the middle of a fucking street, what are your neighbours thinking?

Yeah, but I guess if you're getting 200,000, 300,000, a million views, you don't give a shit, do you? Yeah, I guess. I guess. Yeah. And I guess. I guess. Yeah. And I guess that's the currency in life now. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind

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Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's gonna love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to Saint-Tropez a few years ago. Forget it, she complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation i can get behind

deal so good everyone approves only at home sense now you're back on tour yeah oh by the way do you want to hear something, a horror show from my last couple of shows? Go. You'll love this. So I did two nights in Lincoln. Yeah. Over the weekend. Thank you.

Lincoln audiences, unbelievable. Thank you so much. It was lovely. One of the first show, but not nervous, but like you sort of, yeah, I guess you're sort of thinking, I hope this show's all right, blah, blah, blah. I'm in the middle of the show and somebody shouts out like just it sounds like this to me right but it sounds drunk and like yeah i'm in the middle of talking or i'm just coming to the end of a sentence

and then i go um can i just ask you uh what you said because i'm afraid i don't speak twat well right well okay it was just quite aggressive right but i just thought she can I just ask you what you said? Because I'm afraid I don't speak SWAT. Wow. Okay, she's quite aggressive. But I just thought she'd shout it out. And then she went, I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done with the Calm Mental Health Charity. Oh, wow.

Wowza, wowza. Oh, no. Oh, wow. I mean, it's a weird place to thank you halfway through a fucking joke. Yeah, but it was a long road back from that for me. Yeah, and also it would be like, she could have waited outside and sort of said a quick thank you.

Yeah, but what I would say is, she came up to the DJ, Rob Percy, who was opening for me, because Martin Too Smooth is in Japan at the moment. So, Rob Percy very kindly stepped in. Martin is giving a big laugh, isn't he? Martin, I love Martin. Mate, he's out in Japan with Bruno Mars.

Oof. I mean, it's unreal. Anyway, so Rob Percy stepped in and DJed. You're like the comedy Bruno Mars in some ways. What does that mean? What does that mean? I know it's insulting, but I'm not sure how. No, no, Bruno Mars is sick, man. He's amazing. But you've got a Bruno Mars-ness about you. what does that mean what does that mean I know it's insulting but I'm not sure how no no

Bruno Mars is sick man he's amazing but you've got Bruno Mars in this about you how am I the yeah but how am I the comedy Bruno Mars mate look at a picture of you

I haven't got my phone there because we're recording on it if you look at a picture of you and Bruno Mars I reckon you're not that far away from each other you've got a vibe similar sort of vibe

one of my favourite ever songs is Bruno Mars what song is that that one he does that one he does I would catch a grenade for you that one oh yeah What song is that? That one he does. That one he does? I would catch a grenade for you. That one.

Oh, yeah, okay. Grenade, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't always know the name of songs, but I know the lyrics. Yeah, sure. Can I say, by the way, you've got a bit in your show,

I don't want to ruin your show for anyone, which I've been, in the time you've gone on tour now I've been a lot of people from Yeovil and a few from Lincoln I'm getting a lot of people thinking

I'll say it and then we can bleep out you know the bit where you do about yeah yeah a lot of people think that's me yeah I got asked it

last night yeah no Sunday night yeah I've literally I've got issues doing a bit about you. And I'm like, is he?

And then... Okay. Yeah, well, let me, let's get this out of the way now. In the show, I talk about... And I can clarify that that person is not Tom Davis.

Yeah. Okay. What I would say is, a lot of what I describe, I can understand why people... Yeah, no, I've seen a bit, and I can... I had to think, is that me? And I know that it's not of what I describe, I can understand why people... Yeah, I've seen a bit and I can... I had to think, is that me? And I know that it's not because I don't do that, but...

But anyway, yeah, it's not Tom. It's not Tom. Let me get that out of the way now. But anyway, the girl came up to Rob and explained that she'd been through quite a hard time and she'd always wanted to thank me, which made me feel even worse. But thankfully, Rob and the tour manager, Elliot, managed to find her and I had a little chat with her and her other half backstage.

So it was all all right. But what I would say is that two minutes after that happened i was in a i mean it was i was openly spiraling spiraling i was commentating on my spiral to the audience actually yeah it's a horrible feeling it was uh yeah i've had that i went in two footed i've i've had that twice in the tour yeah and both times oh like okay well look Tom let's let's wrap this up and we're gonna do we're about

we're gonna do a bonus we're doing it right now actually yeah we're gonna do it straight after should I have announced that yeah let's do it let's do it we're gonna do a film

the Swan has selected emails that are that are about film proposals and we're gonna break them down on our bonus episode. So something to look forward to. Okay, Tom, are you prepared for this?

Yeah, let's do it. Can I ask you a question? This is something I should ask you off the podcast, really. But should I be giving you more warning that I'm about to ask you to do this? No, no, no. I think I've got something. Should I be going, in three minutes' time,

I'm going to wrap this up? That wouldn't make any difference, because my head's always thinking about these from the moment we start, and then it... Okay. Is that true? No, no, because I think I'm going to say something, and then it changes, then it changes again.

Because sometimes we cover it in the show. Or the show. In the show, in the podcast, in the fucking... Yeah. I think I misused the word show there. Yeah. Right, let's do this. Yo.

Okay. Ned Sanderson was a sweet man he was a gold finder in the old west and he used to go down to the merry river and try and find nuggets of gold he'd take with him his dog Patsy anyway

one day Ned was funneling through the lake and picking out pieces of gold that were covered in mud so he'd pick out the gold put them on the bed outside of the uh river all muddy and covered in shit and then he'd count his gold and then he'd put them back into the river and he'd wash them of the mud that was on them and he'd put them back on the side and sit back into the mud sometimes he could be hours just cleaning the same bits of gold over and over and over again. This would take days and weeks and he'd go back to his wife

Shirley Temple and he'd say she said why are you late and he'd say because I was cleaning the gold in which I found. Anyhow, one day his dog Barney, I think I called him, I can't remember turned to him and said,

Ned, do you know how much time you waste on the time of this river just cleaning the gold? Why don't you bring a plank of wood with you? And you put the gold on that. And Ned chuckled and thought, that's a weird thing to happen, a dog talk to me, but also suggests such a good idea. The next day, Ned got a plank of wood and he took it to the river and he came home about an hour and a half earlier so he didn't have to clean the mud off the gold and I guess the moral of the story is this

sometimes it's nice to search around and try and find something sometimes you got to clean the things you found to make them work a little bit better but the truth of the life is sometimes it's best to work smarter not harder and longer sometimes listen to the inner voice that's really good really really good

I sort of feel like I killed it by saying smarter rather than smarter but you know what the moral of the story is it's just like yeah you don't have to, you know, maybe like just fucking, yeah, have a plank of wood that can do some of the work for you. Okay, listen, at the end of Tom's story there, I haven't even got enough internet

to make a fucking FaceTime call. I've tried to stay calm about this. This is a fucking joke. Yeah, it is bad. It is bad. This is a fucking joke. Yeah, it is bad. It is bad. This is a fucking joke. Do you know how I'd sum this episode up? With your wife, by the way,

it felt a little bit like I'm at the bed of a dying relative and I don't know at what point they're going to pass away. Oh, Jesus. It feels like a joke. You can't have a fucking relaxed conversation because you don't know what's going to cut out. Yeah, I know. You've genuinely got tears in your eyes.

I just... It's too fucking hidden. How can I not... Like, how can I not a fucking FaceTime call work? I mean, this is such first world privileges, but this is mental. It is insane. Especially when you had someone out yesterday.

I know. The guy was, like, so proud that he'd sorted it out as well. No, he hasn't. This is a fucking... Okay, well, that's what my job is straight after this. Well, you know what? Maybe take solace from the story I just told about the Ned Sarneson.

Don't keep trying to clean them up. Yeah, well, I would tell the story. Ned Sarneson had some gold and then the gold was really dirty and he didn't know how to clean it and it was causing him a problem.

So he phoned up the gold cleaners. They came over. They said they'd sorted it out. And then when he looked at the gold

after they'd gone, it was still covered in a load of shit. They just put another layer of dog shit around it.

Turns out the gold cleaner had actually curled one out on top of Ned's gold um okay listen uh we're gonna play you out with uh we talked about bruno mars bruno mars did an with anderson pack uh called silk sonic so jt could you play us out with leave the door open by silk sonic please guys i'm so sorry about internet, but we still managed to deliver a podcast

that I think is up there with some of our very mid-tier, love-tier ones. So thank you so much for listening. Take care of yourselves. God bless, thank you. Speak to you soon. Bye-bye. So if you're trying to lay in the sun

I'ma leave the door open I'ma leave the door open I'ma leave the door open, girl I'ma leave the door open, open If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.