Wolf and Owl - S4 Ep 13: Trapped In A Toilet & Going On Tour

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

We’re talking… using indicators, good gut health, long handwashing, Tom’s traumatic morning getting locked in the toilet, what to feed ducks, being naked at home, texting too much and being in the top 5% of people that are wanted as friends. Then it’s onto some moral dilemmas, this time about more train tracks (with poor old Tim Key tied to them) and a teenage son in trouble with the law. Plus, we announce all the long-awaited details of our upcoming Wolf & Owl Live UK tour - don’t miss it! Make sure to sign up to our mailing list at www.wolfandowlpod.com for access to PRESALE tickets - which starts at 11am on Thurs 27 March 2025. General sale tickets available from 11am on Fri 28 March 2025. For questions or comments, please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - www.wolfandowlpod.com A Mighty Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Love Shine Plumping Lip Oil Gloss. Visit yslbeauty.ca to elevate your lip game now. Keep listening to the end of the episode for news of the Wolf and Owl Tour. Just stick that at the beginning JT. Wonderful. Please. Yeah, yeah what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred? They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves

Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing the murder like they're rolling with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon

You'll see nothing, all you hear's a huff and puff And the h*** expect killings Red spilling and flesh ripping, impressive innit The death bringing its head spinning, just kidding Every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Welcome to The Wall For Now. We haven't really got time to fuck about because we are 20 minutes late into this podcast.

Tom Davis, do you want to explain why? You know, Romsky, I have a little thing where if I go to the bathroom anywhere, I like to lock the door behind me. It's like a thing, you know what I mean? It's not unusual. Even if I'm at home. I know people do that. Yeah, but even if I'm at home with the family,

or I'm at home on my own, I have a thing of like, I don't know, whether it's just people have walked in on the toilet before and indignified me before, whatever. This isn't the personality quirk you think it is, by the way. It's quite usual to lock the bathroom door But anyways I lock it in one way if you're in the house on your own if it's just a habit thing isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, you know I mean it's like it's like putting your indicators on even if there's no one behind you you know Well, I don't know about that. I'm just some you can understand the analogy You know I mean it's like I'm not using not really so that drive. Well. You know what an indicator is No, yeah, you know people behind you are do you know what? Yeah, you know what you do use an indicator for I Thought you had to legally use indicators. Yeah, you do but what I'm saying is if there's nobody behind you who you indicating to You know, there's nobody around you have to indicate Like if you then if you if you live in a car quite country road, right? We're like the middle of nowhere and there's never anyone behind you, so you just, you then get

so out of the habit of using, oh actually I know what you've done now. Oh, hello, finally. You're so out of the habit of using indicators. Yeah. Okay. Like if you always lived on your own, then you were out of the habit of. There you go, there you go, okay. Okay, okay, okay, this is why I love you, you fucking, that was a real move, bro, that

was a real move. That was amazing to watch that was a real move, bro. That was a real move. That was amazing to watch that happen in real time. Or if you have a learning one. Anyway, go on. So anyway, Catherine Grace going out. Nice little walk to feed the ducks. Have a little chill.

And I was getting ready for this podcast. Very excited, because I had a little bit of time to get ready. I was going to try out some new body wash that I've got. Very excited about the shower. I go in the en suite in the... just for full disclosure, I don't use our en suite to make a juice, to drop a dump. You don't use yours and Kat's en suite bathroom to go to this? Because she finds it too offensive. Is that what it's been? I just thought yeah, it's been known to linger Yeah, I like I like I like my own space. I'd love to know the origin story for this time. Is this Is this off the back of cat requesting this or is this not you've offered sort of yeah, we cat yeah

I'm gonna cat would never sell you're not allowed to dump it I know I know what I might not say you're not like it home from work And I I've been at work for fucking eight hours 12 hours, but I come back Let me just say something if you want to stay and look like you're in touch don't throw eight hours like it's a big number Okay, that's my first tip to you Alright, that's a big number okay that's my first tip to you all right that was a big mistake anyway gosh then I still get home but it's almost like I've never left the house because there's been a presence in my aura my stench still in the house and that's all right if that's confined to a place you know a bathroom that's not off our bench or she's trying to go to sleep so I go to

bathroom lock the door behind me have have a great experience, good, I've been doing a thing called, have you had Simproof? No, I haven't. No, go for it. It's like a gut, it's the thing you have for your gut in the morning. You have it on an empty stomach and it sort of helps. Because essentially your gut is a metropolis of fucking all the shit you've done over the years and all the, you know, your stomach is full of bad

bacteria and all that you've got some absolute nasty pieces of work hanging around your stomach. And this is almost like it evens the kill. It's like a, it's a nice vibe that you send out your stomach and it almost it's almost like the hippie movement in America in the 70s. Like everyone's got I suppose in a way it's like marijuana, everyone's just chilled in your gut. Yeah, I mean you sound like everybody on TikTok selling stuff to be honest with you. Some half-assed pseudo-science and some bullshit about sending good vibes down to your system

or whatever. Then just click below and I'll get a bit Before to pull transparency. I've paid for it And I've got to say it has completely revolutionized my toilet habits in what way what will spin the effects I used to go like straight in I should go through four times a day I'm on two good clean craps a day now. No, I'm a Great, great, great. Really nice, yeah. Very easy. Do you know when people talk about,

they talk about not realizing how lucky you are until you have that thing taken away from you or something taken away from you, right? Yeah. I am back in the world of passing solid stools, and I've got to tell you, I'm still very much in the realm of just appreciating every one of those hot little biscuits.

Do you look behind you? Yeah always, yeah. I don't think, yeah. I always look behind me. Is there a smile? Is there a sort of roguish smile? Well I became obsessed with those, I didn't become obsessed, that was such an exaggeration. That was me trying to sound more interesting than I am there But you know when they give you like, you know, not that I didn't give you but you see the pictures of like what your Stools should look like. Yeah, my stores recently In both color and size and shape have been like perfect

Yeah, I felt really good about actually and that is after a while of as you know, I came back from bowling the other night as a detailed Three county councils fell out my asshole. So so so now in order to be in a position where I'm just Passing like regular shit. It feels incredible man I'd say worse of that is when you're really really you've got put you put in strain in, some work in and you look behind you and you've got essentially like four rabbit droplets. And it feels like you've passed one of those like spiked balls from medieval times. It's like a Covid ball. I've just done a corona turd. Look down. There's no evidence of your work that you've put into it.

But I mean, I'm pretty sure that's a sign of a very unhealthy situation. There's like a little pebble just hiding behind the cistern. Yeah. So you'd recommend this? Yeah, the sit-in proof I think is amazing. And this isn't an ad and there's no commit. I'm just saying. So Tom, can I just apologise?

First of all, I want to apologise, I've interrupted you quite a bit in this story I'm slightly guilty also of not fully listening. So the the bathroom that you are Taking a shit in now. What is that? Where is that? Is that the main bathroom? Yeah, like the main bathroom. Yeah, so it's not so it's a spare room So so what I'm trying to get at is, is that bathroom in regular rotation? Yeah, yeah, because it's become sort of a bathroom I use, my parents use when they stay. Okay, so now you've got a bathroom that you exclusively are sort of shitting in.

Yes, yeah. So how, I mean, what I'm trying to get at is... I mean, you'd probably call it my office. I'm spending quite a lot of time, yeah. But what I'm saying is, like, you need to be on top... I mean you probably call it my office I'm spending quite a lot of time... yeah yeah... but what I'm saying is like you need to be on top of that you know? Yeah. You can't be fucking around. Yeah I'm cleaning it, I clean it. I know sure but you clean it in the way that you clean it. I mean like... No no no can I just... no no no no. Okay. No I'm a thorough cleaner. Okay. We'll get into this in a minute but yeah because I said to Lisa about when we spoke on the phone in a beautiful conversation this weekend and

Yeah, I was saying that yeah, I was doing some chores, but yeah, I actually quite enjoyed cleaning the bathroom I love cleaning the sink. I don't clean the things or because watching, you know, the crime just giving it a little shine Yeah, that's boy. Yes. Yes. Yeah, no that dust that I think anyhow anyway, I digress. So you took a really sort of Slick kind of shit. Well, no, I thought I've got you took a really sort of slick kind of shit. Well, no, I thought I've got a bit of time. I'm gonna really enjoy this because I've got a bit of time for the podcast. I've given myself.

So I go in there, I go to the toilet. I then wash my hands thoroughly, 30 seconds still doing that. Do you know, some people just obviously, I got scolded the other day. I was at some bathrooms Doing a gig. I was thoroughly washing my hands right doing that singing happy birthday. Are you still doing that? You saw happy birthday out loud No

No, I was under my breath like quite like but he knew that why did you say you're still doing? I don't know because he could because I was there for like quite he had a way, okay I don't think I don't think I think it takes quite a confident person to criticize you for washing your hands for too long What are you saying? Sorry? Are you too? It doesn't it doesn't take a confident person it takes someone who wants to in front of other men Disparage you make you look like a fucking like absolutely destroy Yeah, he was he was it was a busy. It was a breezy toilet It was you know he was he he knew what he was doing okay

I've got to say he was there was a couple of good floors from other people you were waiting who also didn't wash their hands Unless your dick's really clean you've just got out the fucking shower and then you have a piss maybe maybe you don't wish I mean he's getting pissed straight after coming out the show you fucking lunatic I always know you piss before the shower I make sure no before the shower make sure I'm completely evacuated thank you very much what you ever put away yeah correct I don, correct. I don't want to sully the pipes so soon after having rinsed them. Well hold up, what is going on with your fucking bladder that you can't hold it if you go into the shower? What do you mean I can't hold it?

No, what I mean is, if you take a piss or if you take a poo, however fastidiously you clean, that's not as clean as having just got out the shower, right? It's a lot of what I'm saying is taking a piss or having a poo straight after you get out of the shower It's like when you're not no no no never have a pill. I'm not so I know I know but what I'm saying I consider pissed to be in the same kind of realm should I mean like rinston polished my Tackle, I know it's like, you know taking your car out for the first time washing it and a bird shits on it

Jimmy and I don't want to I try and keep that all you know fret If I take a piss as soon as I come out the show, I'm very disappointed with myself You know, yeah, yeah, but you're that is the cleanest your dick will be that that's what I mean That's what I'm saying I want to maintain my precious as long as possible My point is this was like seven o'clock in the evening eight o'clock in the evening, right? So a lot of that Yeah, he's had numerous ways that day his All of our willies have been in their pants, you know holstered for most of the day. So then you're touching it, right?

I do sometimes you know It feels like you're explaining why you have to wash your hands after taking a piss. No, no, but what's evident is I was in a minority of people who were, were doing that. It was like, you know, anyway, have you ever seen someone take a wee and then they have their hands behind their back? Yeah, I've seen that, yeah. I hate it. Fucking hell, man. I marvel at them. It's like the messier pissing. I hate it. I hate it. It's reckless. It's reckless.

It's unhygienic. It's needlessly showy. Why is it unhygienic? Because you've got less control, okay? These guys are masters. Yeah, masters to a point. They're like F1 drivers of dicks. They're like fucking,

it's like their hands behind their back, they control some of them shake without even touching. Yeah, horrible, it's horrible. You've got such little control over where those droplets are going. You know what, if you're someone that pisses with your hands behind your back, do me a favour, just do it one day with shorts on, okay, and then see how confident you are about your accuracy and your hygiene. Okay? It's horrific. To be honest, I've got to the point now I find the whole thing of pissing, just pissing in front of people, standing next to someone, it's just the whole thing is awful. No, no, by the way, I've said this before, I'm a cubicle guy, I like this all the time.

It's quite a selfish thing to do, being a cubicle guy. It is. It is. It is. It's quite a selfish thing to do, being a cubicle guy. It's not. It is. It is. Because people need a shit. OK? No, yeah.

What? What? And you're taking that up with piss time? You're taking that up with piss time? Mate, hardly anyone needs a shit when they're out of football. How do you know that? How can you possibly know that? Or in a pub.

How do you possibly? Because if the cubicle's free and there's no one else around, I'm using a cubicle. I mean, in a nightclub. Listen, let me tell tell you something if you're taking a shit in a nightclub, that is that is Something really has gone horrifically wrong Yeah, I have and that that is like I would consider I have shit at a nightclub and I would consider that One of the most traumatic experiences of my life. That's a story. People banging on the door.

Yeah, just come on mate, I want to try and do a bump in there. Come on mate, we've been there for ages. What's going on in there? Just hearing people. I'm having a poo. I'm having a fucking poo. Oh gosh. I hear you straining.

Anyhow, I go to the bathroom, I go to the toilet, and then I come to let myself out of the toilet and unlock it, and the little, you get the long, like sort of, I guess the shaft of the lock that sort of then, it's got a little bolt thing on the end. And the bolt thing on the end just fell, and then the lock, yeah, the shaft of the lock was, I couldn't retrieve it. So then essentially. What did you say?

Did you say something out loud? Yeah, I went of the lock was I couldn't retrieve it. What did you say? Did you say something out loud? Yeah, fucking hell. And then I started cursing myself a bit. Why did I lock the door? And then I tried to call Katherine but Katherine's Katherine Katherine's not looking at her phone. So she's out feeding the ducks with grace having a lovely time And then I'm just and then I tried to get our neighbor's attention but he didn't hear me. Cat wasn't feeding, she wasn't feeding the ducks bread was she?

No, no, no, no. Okay, do you know you need to give, there you go, oats and like seed and shit, right? Yeah, this is not, we've duck feeders. Yeah, sure, but I'm just dumb. By the way, can I say this? Some people don't like any feeding of the ducks, but I'm like, the ducks love it.

Yeah, of course they love it. Obviously not bread. I mean it's not the biggest revelation that animals enjoy being fed. I tell you what, there was the other day, there was some people feeding them bagels the other day. Christ. I know. I need to look this up.

Aren't you supposed to feed them peas or something? Let me just look this up. What are you supposed to... No, there's like a sort of oat that you give them. Like porridge oats. What are you supposed... There you go, to feed ducks. Well, it's like off to searches.

You should feed ducks things like cracked corn, oats, rice, bird seed, frozen peas, chopped lettuce, or sliced grapes. That's nice, isn't it? Frozen peas is a beautiful one. Oh, that'd be lovely. I'd love to go down with some frozen peas. When did you last feed the ducks?

Very cathartic. Easily, oh actually I was about to say easily 10 years, that's not true I've done it with the kids more recently than that. Maybe five years? By the way it would be absolutely insane if you fed the ducks without the kids in the life 10 years ago. No but sometimes you know like you know like you feed like 40 feeding the. Yeah, but you know like in films where they have like a moment of like something, they feel a bit sad so they go out for a walk, they're just sat by the pond or whatever, like feeding them. It's got like a pocket full of oats.

Yeah, just happened to have taken some oats from frozen peas. Always carry them, always have them with them. The ducks just go, these aren't frozen, these are fucking, these taste like they've got pocket. They've been there for fucking ages, you horrible dirty bastard. They've got lint on them, they've got fucking pocket lint. Ugh. Anyhow, I'm in the toilet now, and I'm locked in the toilet.

I try and get the neighbors. I was freaking out at this point, this is just after I spoke to you on the phone. Yeah, I was the first person you were able to get ahold of, correct? I just went. I was the first person. Well, you were actually weirdly the first person I called. Number one, because I knew you on the phone. Yeah, that was the first person you were able to get a hold of, correct? You know, I just went... Well, you were actually weirdly the first person I called. Number one, because I knew you had to record this podcast,

but I also thought if there's someone else that might have an idea of how to get out of this, it'll be rubbish. Oh, shit, I didn't really give you any hope. You felt like you could be somebody who's been locked in a toilet before it would be out of your reach, do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I didn't offer... I did say to you about climbing. What was my favourite bit is I said,

I might try and climb out the window. And you went, no, don't! It's so cute. It wasn't cute, it's just that what I don't want is some local news story, you've got stuck in a little opening at the top of your bathroom window. Do you know what I mean? I didn't want that for you.

One day, I'm naked, because By the time I'm naked, so, just hanging out of the window naked, in my new house where people just go, oh God, is that the guy who's just moved in? What were you wearing? Were you naked when you took the poo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And are you always naked when you take a poo? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not that guy.

I was just getting it, I was gonna get in the shower, then I thought I'll have a quick, yeah. Yeah. I'll go to the toilet for a bit. Christ almighty. ["Running Around the House naked"] Where do you stay with running around, do you run around the house naked at all?

Or do you stay with running around? Do you run around the house naked at all? Or are you a bad naked? I have my children of an age now where that sort of thing is, I would say, more than frowned upon. What I don't want is to go past one of the kids' bedrooms and hear them sort of doing a comedy bombing noise for the next 15, 20 minutes, which is- Oh man, talking about that, I don't know, have you been watching White Lotus?

No, why? Christ. Well, what's wrong? There's a bit in this week's White Lotus that was very, like a incest sort of thing. Oh. It was quite- Hold on, what's that got to do with the story about me walking around my house

in front of my children? No. No. Why did that trigger you to remind you about an incest storyline? For some reason, just you being naked made me think of Patrick Swartz. I look like somebody, I've got the sort of genetics that suggest I'm a child of incest, is that what you're saying? When you see me naked, when somebody sees my naked physical form they go, what does he look like that?

I ask, you know why, because he's fucking, his mum and dad are brother and sister. Oh cousins. No, but I just thought, like you bowling about the house naked and sort of like, you know, because if you're naked, no matter if you're even on your own, you try and give the best account of yourself walking around naked, right? Yeah, I don't do it very often to be honest. I would describe myself as quite repressed in regards to that. What about pants? Do you walk around the house in pants? Yeah, but not really. I mean, like, I don't, Yeah, but not really. I mean, like, I don't, no, not massively. I mean, I would say that I, my kids have seen me naked and in my pants far less than I saw my dad.

No one else is in the house, I'm not doing this. No, no, no, but what I'm saying is like, there are some parents that, you know, because you're not supposed to be, you're not supposed, some parents feel very strongly that you should be comfortable in your physical form and so walking around naked is like a natural thing and your kids should just deal with it.

Do you know what I mean? The only time I feel comfortable in a pair of boxer shorts or naked is on my own, if I'm in the house on my own. I don't particularly feel like walking around. I have so much envy for gym guys who are naked Like I was in the gym yesterday There was this guy even his body was insane Yeah, and he knew it was insane. He he spent far longer

He talked to about six people in a gym completely naked. I'd have no doubt that he could piss with his hands behind his back Yeah, he was a real out. He was the most alpha human being I've ever seen in my life he was Italian yeah he looked like he was so like like I'm full disparity I think a little bit of me fell in love with him yeah I wanted to be his friend I was in complete awe of him as he as he sort of I was gonna say what I was gonna pathetically say what he glided around the locker room he didn't chat to me he didn't me, he didn't want to know. All the people he chatted to, by the way, were similar to himself. Yeah.

It's the second time I've heard the past tense of the word glide in recent times, and I'm not convinced. Hold on a fucking second. Are you on the floor still? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, you've been so much nicer today. What's going on? Yeah, but I've really had to check myself have you got a cushion no no no no but you know what I've had my anxiety meltdown mate if you'd seen me in there I was crying in the toilet there

why were you crying did you think that was gonna be where you lived? I was locked in there I was like I don't know if I was gonna go out you knew that when Kat came back you were like eventually she'd be there for you no because can I just say by the way sometimes Kat will get home and literally put Grace's jumper on and go straight to nursery Then she'll go out and meet a friend for coffee Like she because this is this is this is I'm working here. I'm filming. This is this is my worry mom, right? And no, this is why I was freaking out right now me and you are very similar cats, right? I get very fucking anxious about things and I catastrophize right so the back of my mind

Like I'm like, hopefully Katherine's going to hear my screams. Hopefully she'll read my 12 texts and see that I've called her seven times, which she's had normal to do for someone who's just at home. But Catherine's not a big phone checker. She's not a big like, she's not on the Instagram really. She's not like myself, who's literally constantly glued to his palm, right? So there was a good chance that Catherine would have just literally gone Oh, I'm like just he'll be recording the podcast so I won't Disturb him or literally come in put Grayson put Gracie's nursery jumper on and we'll just go to Nursery and then she's gonna go meet a friend for a coffee, right? I

Could have been in there till fucking 11 12 o'clock today No, that would have that was what so did it say how often are you and cat in? Contact with each other during the day like for example when you go to work How many times do you speak to cat do you think I speak to her? Usually I speak to her in the morning mid-morning lunchtime It's like we text so if she texts I'll text straight back because I know that if she puts her phone down There's a good chance. Here's an unusual. Here's an unusual thing about the swan. She never texts really Yeah, as in she would text in response

This sounds really bad, but it isn't bad She texts in response, but she will never initiate very rare. This is really cool by the way What do you mean? Well, she doesn't need any validation for anyone. I Lisa's really cool, by the way. What do you mean? Well, she doesn't need any validation from anyone. No, she doesn't. I admire that so much. I think Lisa's become my absolute hero.

Not texting. I'm so needy, I text all the fucking time. I text people I don't even like sometimes, just so I get a response from someone. So I feel like actually someone in the world is actually cares about me. That was so weird. I know, I said, then I'll text her and I go, you all right? She go, yeah, yeah, well good, yeah, what you up to? And then I'll. I said then I'll text her and I'll go you're right.

She'll go yeah, yeah, well good. Yeah, what you up to? And then I'll say and then I'll then I'll say to her like occasionally I've said to her now I've just accepted that is not accepted. There's nothing to accept about it. But I understand that's her way. When I go to how come you never really text because I don't want to bother you. Like, you know, if you want to get in touch, like I'm always here if you want to she takes other people, I guess I should like-mess stuff but she sort of thinks that like because I'm at

work like if I'm out she'll text I suppose but she doesn't. Oh yeah. But like if I'm at work she doesn't ever text. What's she like, when Catherine goes out with friends it's like her phone disappears. Oh really? Like she'll, yeah I mean that's a worry actually. I like that, I like that though. I Yeah, I mean that's a worry actually. But no, but she's not... I like that. I like that though.

I do. I respect it. She's going there and she's like having a day with her friends. If we go out for the day, Katherine does not. Her phone is literally for emergencies. Whereas you, I love you and adore you. I consider you to be a brother. But I've been in mid-conversation with you

and you've like, you've looked at your phone. Careful how you tread here, because you're very similar. What do you mean? I've been talking to you and you've had, you've been glued to your phone. I would completely admit that. How dare you?

Mate, you. How dare you? You are unreal with your phone. What are you talking about? Mate, then are unreal with your phone. What are you talking about? Mate, number one, right, I will hold my phone, I reckon, torso high to read. Yours is like there, right, and you're like looking at it. No, this is one, first of all, that is one occasion

where I had some really funky dark sunglasses on and I looked at my phone quite close, and then that now has become what I always do Do you know what you remind me? You know like you know like in your family how when you do something when you're young I'll talk to Lisa about it She ever actually when you do something when you're young that thing becomes a thing you're known as forever, right? Yeah Yeah, you you are like that somebody does one thing and then you you've stuck that on me now forever That's how I look at my phone

All right That's how that's when I think about you on the phone. That's how I picture you Yeah, but that's not that's not how I always look at my phone And also by the way, the way you did the way you reacted when I did that It's like it's like giving you like giving you the ick It's horrible. Yeah, but it was icky. Yeah. It was I get that. It was like, look, can I say you're one of the coolest people in my life? Like you are a fucking cool guy. You're literally like the poster boy.

Most people will ask me at least three or four times a day about you and I'm associated with you and that's a fucking blessing for me. I'm like, yeah, fucking cool. But if I was out with you and you were doing that I'd go fucking hell with what you're doing. No I understand that. The point I'm trying to make is you know you're not great on the phone are you? You're distracted. I'm terrible. Yeah I'm awful on the phone it's a terrible thing and you know the worst thing of it when I start to get nervous and anxious I'm I just I get like Saturday night I was doing a gig shout yourself out because I was having a full-on panic attack

I won't go to full just because I'm still having quite bad PTSD I was like I knew what I kind of needed to do because I was so anxious I was catastrophizing so much my cause I was absolutely fucking my cause I'll take it over my whole body Yeah, right. There's nothing else going in there, I was just literally a fucking 6 foot 7, 19 stone of just pure cortisol just pumping. Yeah. And to rectify this, I just looked at my fucking, I looked at bullshit on my phone. Just stood there just looking at what Tommy Fury's up to. Hmm.

He's going to be shit. No, but no listen that's understandable you're looking for comfort in a situation of high stress yeah but there's not a comfort there is there? what I needed to do is what I needed to do is do the like breathe in for four breathe out for four breathe in for four reset my body I mean I know these things yeah yeah that is true that is is true. But sometimes it's different. What's Bevo doing?

Has Bevo sucked another dick? Listen, don't get me started on Bevo. I know too much about these people. Recently, his and one other person's behavior, I don't want to name these people, has been absolutely fucking deplorable. Why don't I get into it? I've actually, I've gone on a Bevo detox.

Yeah, I'm done, I'm done on a Devo detox. Yeah, I'm done. I'm done. Like I found it ironically entertaining. Now I think it's horrific. Yeah, but he's a little troll. It's awful. What I'm saying is that it's one of the most depressing modern stories. Of a boy who ate potatoes with his dad for a laugh on a video and now is making gay porn

That's not I mean, that's not that it's got what in my opinion. It's got Okay, I mean what go what the rap video? No, they're at video. I don't care about it's like it It's just basically I think they need to do something about online bullying on that on that app is It's horrific. It's just horrific. Somebody is going to do something to themselves and eventually everyone will go, isn't it sad? But at the moment, it's just fucking rank what goes on there. And he's involved in like... TikTok, I've been very like... But this is the job, I go on TikTok when I'm feeling anxious.

For some unknown reason. Anyway. like, but this is the job I go on TikTok when I'm feeling anxious for some unknown reason. Anyway, would you like to, would you like to move? Brighten things up with, so anyway, by the way, the end of the story, I'm in there for 40 minutes. Yeah, sorry, fucking hell, we're still talking about this, Jesus. Catherine gets into the house, she hears me cry and she obviously, thank God, looks at her phone and she comes and lets me out. She comes and what? Lets me out. And Grace was laughing and I

know that Grace will go to nursery today go daddy got locked in toilet. Yeah of course you will. But look don't argue that if there's any consolation. Grace had her first date the other day by the way. What are you talking about? a little play date little play date That I mean that's you've got that whole world ahead of you man, it's like making friends with Other parents says that's a tough old game mate. Good luck to you Have you got you got many parent friends? Lisa has got loads. I like the dad vibe I like yeah yeah I'm just not you know me Tom like I'm not good do you mean being like you think you

kick yourself and you're down on yourself about this but you are I'm not down on myself this is a fact do you know how many people fantasize about having you as a friend no I actually would say you're in the top I'd make I will tell you now, Solomon my life and on my eyes. I'll tell you now, I reckon you're in the top 5% of people that people want as their friend in this country. You are, I think people see you as that, you're an ideal, I bet every group should have a Romesh and I think everyone's aware of that. Even if that's the case, the point I'm trying to make is in an initial situation in a light social situation I'm not the best. Okay, once I get to know once I get to know We're all great. If I was in a life situation, even if fucking name anyone Beckham's there fucking Michael

Riches is there I'd be I mean obviously because we're close but I would be sniffing around you for a fucking Because I know that I can I say if you if it was you me David Beckham and Michael Richards I fucking hope you were talking to me more than the others not so much my crush. You're quite good mates with him Yeah You're gone I think just quickly I think you're like a really like a sacred fruit of any friendship group Any friendship group would be lucky to have you guys like like me are ten a penny, but like you are, yeah. You're the guy, you've got to tell you, you're the guy in a stag do, who on the first night might be quite quiet, he's just working it out. On the fucking second day, you're the guy that everyone's like, oh my

god mate, I was just being with Romesh, he's so fucking funny. You're the guy who fucking absolutely owns Day 2. Yeah, it's very sweet of you to say. Right, the Tour de France. You're the guy who takes on the Melbourne. It's very sweet of you to say this. None of this is true. I mean, like, every social situation we've been in.

I believe everything I say. Every social situation we've been in, you've been... Actually, do you know what? When I interviewed Jesse Eisenberg about a real pain, I was talking to him about what his character was like to Kieran Culkin. You're my Kieran Culkin. Well, I'll take that as a very... But me and Kieran Culkin, we're ten apenny. There's a lot of Kieran Culkins and Tom Babes.

No, that's not. Jesse Eisenberg to Ron Mishra and Nathan's are a beautiful thing. Okay, that's right. Well, you know, we can agree to disagree. I think, by the way, your integrity is the thing I enjoy the most and I admire the most. You're very, you're very you're very Integral in how you are as a person. I think you'd be a good politician You've been I can this is what's going on I don't know what's going on with you because

Yeah, but I've done an hour solitary confinement I. I've had time to think about life. I would love you to have sort of an hour's meditation before you did every one of these. You don't have to lock yourself into a toilet. But just- But just meditate. Just change your vibe. Okay, we've got some moral dilemmas for you, Tom. How long have you got, by the way?

Because you've lost a lot of time. We've got time, yeah, we've you, Tom. How long have you got, by the way? Because you've lost a lot of time. We've got time. We've got 20 minutes. All right, fine. So here is, this one's called, I'm not gonna say what it's called, I'm just gonna read the thing. So are you ready for your first moral dilemma?

Yeah, yeah. By the way, people that are wondering if this has become a new feature, we're just doing it until we get bored of doing this, okay? So it's like, you know. Also, we do need to do like a sort of two-week special of just emails, because we... Yeah, that's true.

All right, okay, let's hear the moral dilemma. Your friend has a great sense of humor. However, by the way... Could be you then. Yeah, this is you, right? By the way, before we get into this, you know the trolley problem? Yeah. That we talked about, the train tracks,

and the five guys. Yeah Somebody's got in touch to say the whole point of that is that you don't know the people Okay, okay, or how about this one? Can I just throw this just really quickly before we get into this one? You don't know the five people on the track But you do know the one person who's on the other? Yeah, okay. What do you do know the one person who's on the other okay okay what do you do then well it depends on that person is isn't it all right fine my friends of them just throw me a name okay throw you a name Tim key yeah I Tim K. Oh yeah, I know Tim. We're not great. I mean I like Tim. I respect him.

Yeah, that's what I know. Let me just say at the moment, there's a nurse there, there's a dad of three there, there's some people. I actually think Tim Key's a pretty fucking solid guy. I'd have to go, Tim, these people have got families. Right. I'm sorry man. So you'd kill Tim K. Okay. Well you'd better look at it there., I probably have to do a quick series inquiry

Tim give me a second Tim, give me a second, let me just work out what's going on What's your name? Lisa, Lisa have you got kids? I've got two Fuck, Lisa are you married? I know I'll get married next summer What's your name? Brian, Brian what you do? I don't think you've got time for this, you've not got time for this Fucking interview all five of them Okay Tim, Tim give me a second. Has anyone here got kids? Yeah, has anyone

trained to give them really important diseases? Yeah, I'm a fucking medical student. Fuck! Tim, I'm so sorry. I don't think you should be asking close questions like that. You're so specific with the questions. You haven't got time for that shit. Has anybody here? Blah, blah, blah. Don't fucking ask that. You're under the

kosh, mate, time-wise. And I suddenly ask is anybody killed Tim Key with no fucking evidence of anything that's the problem that is the whole problem that's what's it out of the five and at least two are gonna have three maybe gonna have families okay fine so you would kill him there's probably one of them like if I killed them and it went oh that was fucking Mick Moorcroft. What do you mean? I've never heard of him. Mick Moorcroft was the guy who was three days away from fucking curing cancer. Oh fuck. Tim Key would be next to me going oh shit sorry man. I was like well and you know the worst thing is Tim Key's a survivor I'm just a fucking idiot who's killed five people. Yeah. Everybody's hearing Tim Key fucking hell he survived that big train thing didn't they?

What about Tom Davis where he killed five people? No, yeah, I mean you actually killed him you did nothing So they've died anyway. Yeah, but they were gonna die anyway So you're like Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark And also Tim Key by the way is a good man Tim Key would be going what were you thinking? Because Tim Key by the way is a good man. Tim Key would be going, what were you thinking? Because Tim Key by the way, his books and poetry.

Oh, he's one of the most selfless human beings around. His books and his poems would have gone through, he'd have been able to, yeah, you know, the amount of money his estate would have earned from that. Yeah, okay. So your friend has a great sense of humour. However, sometimes his jokes involve making fun of others in an inappropriate way. Okay, this isn't you. This isn't you. This isn't you. This would have to be someone else.

He will point out a physical flaw or look for something odd or different about a person and make an unkind comment. You feel uncomfortable when your friend does this. Do you say something or just laugh along with him? Okay, so what do you think? Well, I think we both know the answer to that What would you do? I'd say the answer would you I think I'd say something if it's me if Yeah, if it was you're certainly think our friendship strong enough for me to you. You're the last person who does that You're far too much of an intelligent comic to sort of like fucking slinking to such our patrol arbitrary intelligent comic to sort of like fucking slink into such arbitrary arbitrary fucking filth. But yeah, if it was I've

done it before when people have said about this weekend when someone mentioned your eye. What did you say? I hate that shit. I know you hate that shit. I looked at it, I was gonna fucking punch them in the fucking throat. They asked about you made it like we were chatting about you and then said something about your eye and I

was like, why fucking bring that up? And they were like, Oh, yeah, because he talks about the top of the road isn't what bring up a fucking million things I could say about you that I don't do I mean, listen, I appreciate it. I think it's a mean spirit. We'd be lying if if if there's never been a time with any of our lives, I get people do it about me all the time. Do you know what I mean?

I hear jokes, whatever. But I think I'd say something. Yeah, okay. I think I would say something. It's actually quite an easy one. The only thing would be actually, this is what makes it interesting. If it's like a comic or someone like,

who you almost hear worship me, admire and adore, and you're like, oh shit, like you almost hear a worship, be admire and adore and you're like, oh shit, like you hear them do something, but me, me and spirited within a social confinement. And then you're like, yeah, that's where I feel like laughing along, you know. ["Dreams of a New World"] With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff.

And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Here's a question for you Tommy boy. What do you do if you are gigging with a comedian and they do a bit on stage and you know that somebody's already done that bit before? Like they do a bit or say you're a new material gig and

they go up and do a bit and you know. I think like with you though, there was a thing that someone did that you were doing the same thing and it was a similar thing. And I sort of said to you, I think it wasn't too alike, but I said to you, they're doing the same, aren't they doing a similar thing?

You say that a lot though. If you don't mind me saying, one of the things that you do is whenever I do a bit that fucking kills, you always try and put like a little doubt in my mind about it. Shut up. You're such a little snip. You're such a little like look at you. You couldn't even hold the laugh on that you fucking toerag. No but that's difficult isn't it telling people like

if you've done that with me you've said to me someone's doing a bit about this. It's the worst feeling in the world. Yeah. I mean with each other that's easy isn't it? But with people you don't know, like if you're gigging with, say if you're gigging with a comment you sort of know, would you tell them? Yeah, I don't know. It's really difficult. Can I say that one of the hardest things with, it's like when you think about a joke, that like if you hear someone do a joke, right,

or a bit, and then you think, oh, fucking hell, that's, oh, there's a really good bulk. Right, for example, when I was doing my tour, your brother and a few other people do warm up for me. Your brother was always great at chatting to me, and I'd say to Dan, I'd like, oh, you could add this, or you could do this, and take it or leave it, whatever. And he's usually try something out,

or he'd see if it works, or he'd try and make a bit out of it, or whatever. I was talking with another guy who literally, I was like, I think this, I think it's a really good bit, and you've got it as a one-liner, but I think you can make a bit out of that, and you could actually,

you could probably get a good couple of minutes out of that thing. And he was like, saying what? And I sort of tried to, you could probably get a good couple of minutes out of that thing. And he was like saying what? And I sort of tried to sit with him and gave him some, like loosely gave him some ideas. And the next night he tried it and it bombed because he half-heartedly did it. And then he came out and went,

that's fucking awful, that stuff you said. And I was like, but you didn't really try it did you? Oh, God. But yeah, but it is also like, I had it early on in my career where a few people Pick me up about to give me advice some of them right if I admired them. I was like, wow, that's amazing Sometimes it can be quite condescending. So you got really worried about that Like I've been one of the nicest one of the nicest people's Tom Slade gave me advice after a gig

Mmm, and was a mate. It was one of the most amazing experiences of him. He's incredible comment stayed It's amazing. He's one of the best. Okay. Here's the next one. You ready? Go for it your teenager So assume you've got a teenage child, right? Yeah, your teenager has had a rough this grace or have I adopted one? The fostered I think maybe listen to the problem and then you can give a bit of context for yourself afters All right, your teenagers had a rough few years. First came an arrest for shoplifting. The item was of little value, so it was only a misdemeanor. Then your team was with some friends who were smoking weed and driving too fast.

Your teen has promised they're turning over a new leaf and seem to be on the right track, doing better in school, coming home by curfew and generally having a much better attitude. Then you get a call from the local police station saying your son was with a group of kids who broke into a liquor store and stole beer. This is American, by the way. Yeah.

I mean, I've changed. It's probably like a kid that I've taken in when he's like seven or eight and like fucking, he's from quite a sort of rough background. I'm like, right, let me see if I can get you on a straight in there. Do you go to the station and see how you can get your teen out of this jam or do you let him accept whatever consequences before him?

That means, again, what? Who's fucking letting him fucking go through what consequences before him? I'm going in there and going in and fucking going, yo, what's going on? What's going on? I'm like, I'll turn around to the police officer and go, how are you doing? Yeah. Little chat with them, probably sort of take in some roses, chocolates. You know, I'm Tom Davis, I'm Barney's foster dad. And he's like, I don't fucking know.

I didn't know he was fostered. Yeah, yeah, he was, when he was eight, we took him in because he was going through some fucking tough shit. He's actually had six years, he's 14 now. He's had six years where he's been like a fucking exemplary pupil. Now he's fucking, it's been a bit tough. So that's a lie, isn't it?

That's a lie, what you just said. What? No, he has been amazing until recently with the pot and stuff. Oh, okay. Fucking smoking weed and yeah. No, but last year's just been fucking baboos with me, mate. Yeah.

I'd probably be leaning on the counter like that. I'm gonna fucking hell. What do you think's gone wrong in the last year year then? Are you the police officer now? Yeah, I Don't know man. No worries Let's take it. Let's take it right from the tip of the tank. Well, I'm sorry I'm not gonna do an accent because I'm not you know, I can't do so anyway, okay. Okay. Hey Hello officer. How you doing mate? You're right. Yeah, can I help you? Can I help you sir? Are you okay?

Yeah, so a bit yeah, sorry your face mate you're on the front desk at the police station. Well, how can I help you? How can I help you? I'm actually so down in a dumps. Well, I'm a police officer working on some quite serious stuff So excuse me if I'm not serious stuff so excuse me if I'm not seeing you with a grin on my face. Well, can I just say you're essentially a receptionist. You're not working on some serious, you're booking people in. Get ideas about your station, literally. Please do tell sir how may I help you? Personally I've brought these roses for you all, so just as a sort of a nice gesture. A nice gesture for what sir? Well just to say thank you my foster son Barney Fleece has been arrested. Right and you are?

Tom Davis. I'm comedian and actor, well I used to be for a bit, now I'm a landscape gardener. what I used to be for a bit, a landscape gardener. So Barney Fleece... Sorry, I was actually giving you a bit of a back story. Yeah, so we are sort of having to move things, I haven't really got the time to get into your life story. I was just really busy with work and I tried to sort of, once Barney started getting in trouble, I sort of retired from comedy and acting to sort of, yeah, just do a job where I could be a ramble. So how long has Barney been getting into trouble then? Probably about the last year, he's really gone off the rails.

So when you say retired, you stopped a year ago, did you? No, not retired, I've just taken a step back from things. So you've taken a step back from things to become a guard? Some of that is my choice, but the auditions and the roles had dried up and I was getting typecast a lot. So was it actually for Bar was it it's just a bit Was it for Barney or was it because work started drying up? Well, no bit but anyway, that's not the point The point is this I'm a little bit worried about this kid if I'm honest with you He did some shoplifting about a year ago. It's probably on his record here. I imagine Yeah, I do some small items nothing to You know, I've used some small items, nothing too expensive.

Well, I mean, crime is crime, isn't it? I'm sure you'd appreciate that these days. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, it's the same as a murderer. Well, I didn't say that, but it still is a breaking of the law. My point is, we return stuff... And all of those misdemeanours are something we take seriously. Yeah, of course, yeah, I'm glad to hear... If you don't mind me saying,

is that kind of attitude towards minor crimes that do lead to young offenders reoffending because they're sort of given the message and having that reinforced at home that these things aren't serious issues when they very much are in the eyes of the law and society actually and I think if we do continue to encourage you seem to have a lot to say by the way. Um, but... Well, if you don't mind me saying so, I'm beginning to see where some of Barney's problems over the last year might have origined from. So listen, yeah, we returned all the goods and we gave him a little drink on top, alright? Just so they didn't press charges.

Alright? Well, I can't possibly comment on that, I wasn't. Then he was caught smoking some, just some weed, smoking some marijuana with some cows. Just smoking some marijuana, so it's, you know, again, your use of language leaves a little bit to be desired. I'm imagining that this scenario has taken place in 2033, it's probably actually legal now and this is quite an old problem. It is legal everywhere actually in the country except for where you find yourself which is Arundel sir and as you know Arundel is the only town in the UK where weed is still very much

illegal in fact highly criminalized. Well can I just if I can officer if I could just say to you of all the things I've done recently and I regret giving up my job that I adored and fostering Barney who's turned out to be an absolute psychopathic delinquent, moving to Arundel is actually the worst thing. Because I think some of your themes and some of the way you live your lives here is fucking outdated and it's almost prehistoric. Anyhow, he was caught with some kids who clearly tried to impress him he's living in a new area you've been now well looking at you I can

guarantee that you've probably fallen into a situation where you try to impress people. What does that mean? You know to be their friend. You've just got you know you've got that aura of someone who's probably done something a bit goofy or bit silly to try to impress people and regret it later. Why do you think that from just looking at me? Well it's the way you've done your tie up. It's a uniform. It's the fact that you've got your hair slicked back but you're losing your hair. Who's that for? It's not for anyone. So there's a set of sort of appearance and presentation codes that we adhere to in the police force. There's a set of sort of appearance and presentation codes that

we adhere to. There's a set of appearance codes here's one for you clean your finger nails. It's very difficult sir to to when you're sort of throwing out sort of weird insults like just based on my character oh Oh that actually Bearing that in mind what I've just said to you. It says here sir. You're Tom Davis. Are you? Yeah, because I've got you here Wanted for some questioning regarding some sex offenses. Would you like to? Talk about that at all That was moving to ourndelle part of the initiation Was that full acquittal is it right that you went into the Half Moon pub and

Said hello everybody drinks are on me. You can call me Hansi Tom. Is that is that right sir? Yeah, I was yeah look man a full disparity between me and you officer I wanted people to like me and that's probably what Barley's seen. Barley's, you know, that's probably where you broke into it. Can I ask you a follow up question? So how long have you been using the word disparity in your everyday language, just out of interest?

About three years. Right. It's just that somebody here has got sort of a report here of somebody sort somebody being incredibly inappropriate and then saying, full disparity, it's not the first time I've done this. Now, the reason it sticks out in the mind is, I don't know if you're aware, so the correct phrase is full disclosure. Okay, cool.

So you can understand how from my point of view, hearing you say it there and seeing the report there, also sort of making the same mistake, it does. Officer Greg, can I just say that for all of the, I'm not here to talk about myself. If I was gonna talk about myself, I would have probably done it on stage.

Well, you were pretty keen to talk about yourself. So you tell me, I've sort of learned a lot about you early doors you're telling me about your job and now you've had to step away from that because the work started to dry up. Bearing in mind that you've sort of said you're not here to talk about yourself you've managed to crowbar quite a lot of that into this conversation if you don't mind me saying. The point of this is the point of my whole is that Barney has now broken in I don't know why you put on the report of Liquor Store We are, you know, we're in England

So I'm assuming what you mean by that is not fully aware what country we are in sir. I don't know what you're insinuating I'm see I was born here actually. So I don't know what I don't know Maybe you were you were Norwegian or Scandinavian in the sense of the role play Very well, very very well played anyway well listen the truth is we were gonna let Barney go but based on her attitude I actually he's in a cell on his own currently but um I'm gonna put him in a cell with Dave who just to give you full clarity his nickname amongst some of the other inmates is but fuck Johnson so not Dave Johnson that was a bit of fun wasn't it yeah it's a lovely bit of fun

okay right Tom look the point is... Oh shit, look at the time. We've got to go. Oh shit, well we need to say about the live shows. Fucking hell, we should have done that right at the beginning. Okay, JT, I'm going to say something now. Keep listening to the end of the episode for news of the Wolf and Al Tour. Just stick that at the beginning, JT.

Wonderful. Please. OK, so we've got great news. We are going on tour. Tour. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let me hit you up with these sweet, sweet dates. 23rd of September, Belfast.

29th of September, Birmingham. 8th of October, London, Hackney Empire. 14th of October, Dublin. 18th of October, Glasgow. 23rd of October, Cardiff. 25th of October, Brighton. 19th of November, Newcastle. And finishing the whole thing off

on the 20th of November in Manchester. There you go, that's right baby. It says here we're announcing on Wednesday which is happening right now. Tomorrow tickets go on pre-sale from 11am and then at 11am on Friday the 28th of March they go on general sale. We hope to see you there, guys. Yo, and let me sum up with this quickly, because I'm destined to be on set. Where's life? Do you look forward? Do you look back?

Hold up. What's going on to the side of me? 360 vision people is important. But quite a lot of the time as we march forward onto the next task, onto the next thing, we're just solely looking, yo, let me fall, let me let me fall forward. Let me take the next step forward. Sometimes we don't think about the things we left behind, but that can be small things. Did I put a coffee cup in the dishwasher? Did I put the blender back in the cupboard? Yo, when I crossed that road, when I crossed the

zebra crossing, did I wave and road, when I crossed the zebra crossing, did I wave and say thank you to the person who slowed down and let me pass? Roadside laws need to be respected, but so do drivers. Shea that, pedestrians too. My point is this, today I was locked in my own bathroom. Why?

Fools of habit maybe. Maybe I was a little bit too full on with the lock as I closed it. But you know what? If I'd looked behind very quickly, I'd have noticed that the lock had become amiss. It had become loose. And when I went to unlock it, it fell. That's an arbitrary wave to me saying, go easy, go gentle, but always remember to be cautious for the steps you leave in the sand sometimes can be your undoing. God bless. Stay well, stay sweet, stay true, but most of all, stay here. Really great work. Really great work. Thank you so much, Tom. JT, can you play us out

with Sophie Hunter? I know I love Sophie Hunter, but Minute Maid please. Beautiful. And we look forward to seeing you on tour guys. Thank you so much. Remember, pre-sales tomorrow and then general sales the day after. SweetSoul25, if you want those sweet, sweet pre-sale tickets. We'll see you there. Thank you so much guys. Love you. Look forward to it people. Thank you friends.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you. Hey there, I'm Keema Bobb and I have a new podcast. It's called Icebergs and it's about

the endless journey to find ourselves and find out what it really means to have self-acceptance and self-love. I'll be exploring the inner landscapes of some of my favorite people. Oh I don't like being self-aware! And asking them about who they are, how they got that way, and how they feel about it. That's subjective what I do on stage. I am objectively not funny off stage. A bit of their present. I didn't know that I was ugly until I was like 16 and record executives told me it.

A bit of their past. I need more time being alone than I thought. And how they navigate all that stuff. That's definitely something I think my therapist would have to bring it on. The thing about icebergs is only 10% of them is above the surface. 90% we can't even fathom something I think my therapist would have to bring it on.