Wolf and Owl - S4 Ep 27: The Scorpion & A Spudgun

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

We’re talking… the Wolf at a teddy bears picnic, an insect bite emergency, an embarrassing school holiday incident with a scorpion, miss-matched shoes, Tom hosting the Broadcast Digital Awards, Superman films and bogus film reviews, going to Chessington with Nicolas Holt, getting kicked out of a library, mastering smelling good, Seth Rogen’s new Apple TV show and the announcement of Tom’s 2026 stand-up tour - SPUDGUN. Plus, we answer an email question about a time travel quandary with another classic roll play. For questions or comments, please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com A Mighty Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing the murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let em see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon Hello and welcome to The Wolf and Owl And welcome to the Wolf and Owl. Welcome to the Wolf and Owl. Welcome to the Wolf and Owl. It's not, I feel like I've not spoken to you for ages. For ages.

My guy, my guy. It feels a while. It does feel a while. It feels a beat. That's a nice, that's a cool way of saying it, innit? Yeah. It feels a beat. It's been a minute.

It's been a minute, my guy. My guy How are you how are you good? I'm all right, bro. You are Sam. All right, you know what? This rivalry with wasps nay Insects I got a really bad bite. It's a labor. I saw on your Instagram It's almost pointless doing this podcast because I'm completely up to date with everything that's happened in your life But anyway, go we got everything like so listen we're grace had a teddy bears picnic for Her nursery I turn up. I'm very much Excited to be there First of all got to do with my surprise that you've been invited to a teddy bears picnic. I

Don't think I know exactly how they operate, so what's the deal with? The teddy bears sort of take centre stage along with the kids, parents are very much just spectators. Can I say something? By the way, can I just say something? Listen, listen, before we carry on, I love Grace, as you know. I consider her family, as I do yourself and go I've had to spectate on some pretty shit stuff as a parent, but but the idea of turning up to be In the crowd for a teddy bears picnic that is I mean that's pushing the love of your child to the

You know what it is. It was I felt she came to see me on stage on Saturday. First time she'd seen me on stage. Which was quite strange because then she just went around. Subsequently she's told everyone that my job is to go on, she said, daddy stands up and talks about farts and poo. Which basically is a very, well, almost quite. And listen, by the way, if you're interested in tickets for Spudgun, do get them. There little a soosom of what you what's

gonna be delivered there if you're worried that you if you if you're worried that you was too scatty on the last tour let me tell you this Tom Davis believed he wasn't scatty enough yeah there's more scat stuff coming um so she came and I thought I owed her one I thought it was yeah so I thought let's go in to be fair I love any excuses to hang out of her and it was very It was anyway, I digress we were I was standing with some of the other parents and I felt something on my On my chest and then a pain that genuinely like gave me a stomach cramp

Just seared through my body. And I let out a little yelp. I didn't want to go too hot. I didn't want to show too much pain, but it was agony. Then we talked about being hypochondriac on here before. Then I turned to Kathleen and I said, I've just been bitten by something twice. And she was like, she sort of raised her eyebrows, sort of laughed with another mum.

And then I showed them the bite, I pulled my T-shirt up and actually, then Kafe went, oh shit, it's swelling up and it's throbbing. It was like, it was almost like I had a heart in it. Buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh, buh-buh. Yeah, I get it, I get it. I get it. And then-

Your decisions on what to explain will continue to astound me as long as I'm friends of you, but I'm gone Anyway The other mom was more worried than Katherine who at this point then sort of turned around such and any I then I in my head was like it feels like my left arm is going numb And I started freaking out a little bit I, in my head was like, it feels like my left arm is going numb. Jesus Christ. And I started freaking out a little bit. One of the dads very kindly sort of like was like,

look, I got bitten by a horsefly last week. I think it's probably something like that. And I was like, fucking hell, it doesn't feel... I can feel it throughout like, sort of my left-hand side of my body. I started freaking out quite massively. Grace was like, the ice cream fans just got here and you're worryingly walking around telling all the other parents

it feels like this has now become the centrepiece of the day. You're pulling Ficus from the Celibast bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I just was like, you know what, I'm going to fucking pull myself. I'm going to take myself out of this situation. I don't think that's part of the prep. We're going to be gone. One of the other mums, very caringly, was like, look, I think you need to go to, because that could be a false widow. But there was so much speculation about it.

Your parents, by the way, do love a drama. I don't know what your kids' schools are like, but as soon as this happened at nursery, it very much became very, it went from zero to 100 very much. It was a big fucking dramatic. I run to the chemist and then the chemist was, and she said that your skin could die, like that she was like, you need to keep an eye on it because the skin around it can die. Yeah, so someone drew, someone got a felt tip,

drew a circle around the bite area. Sorry, did the teddy bear's picnic take place in an episode of Casualty? What the fuck is going on? Well, mate, if there's not felt tip pens at a nursery, I don't know where your fucking fire felt tip pens. Drawing them on a casualty, like drawing them on a body, what's going on at this school? Yeah, but people, there was a lot of experts, but a lot of people knew about bites and stuff, a lot of people have been bitten. By the way, I just looked it up as you were talking, and false widow bites are becoming increasingly common in the UK, according to the internet. There we go. Yeah. So I run to the chemist. I show the chemist. The chemist takes a big sigh and I shout at the chemist, good God, I didn't get his name.

Why would you? Listen, there's no point naming people that have done good stuff. Let's just name people from back in the day at school that had embarrassing conditions. That's how we operate in this podcast. Anyway, go on. He let out a big sigh and then he was really, he jumped to action quick. Gave me some balm to put on it, a little bit of antiseptic cream. Really, really, really looked after me. He was very caring. It was actually, by the way, quite a strange sensation, him rubbing the cream into my chest. Not expecting that at all but you know. This happened in the pharmacy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really struggling to process everything that's happened here. So somebody's drawn on your body with a felt tip pen around the area and then the pharmacist has started massaging the cream into your chest. Not massaging, come on, you've made it, no he r into your chest. No master. Come on. You made it Yeah, I'm not saying I'm not saying he gave you a He got like a magnifying glass and he looked at it and he said I can see two clear bites. Okay now I'm like now if that's a wash my friend. He's got one bite in him

Yes, correct. Yeah But so it's something else he said I've got no idea what is that's out of my remit But not of his remit to put to apply the ointment. I Mean what I would say is blame pretty fast and loose is what his remit actually is here He was very caring and everything was conscientious consensual. Do you mean? Yeah So and then he said I don't do you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. So, and then he said, oh don't, so then I walked back to the nursery but with my t-shirt up like that

so it didn't rub the cream off. Jesus Christ, around the children? No, I got back to the nursery and just hung around at the gates. Great, fair, fair. Just like that. So. Why have you got your bottoms off

just in case, just in case it spreads? Well, you know the worst, then I started telling people the story and I think I told this on When the Wolf and I Are Lies, but I don't think I've ever told it on the essential podcast. Remember when I told you about when I got bit on the willy by a scorpion when I was on a school trip. Yeah. We don't definitely know it's a scorpion do we? No, no. So I put on a pair of

shirt, we're all going swimming, school trip, hazy summer day, everyone very, very excited to get in the pool. I always remember sticking on my trunks, taking a few paces towards the pole, and then a searing pain just sort of kicked in across my penis. And I sort of put my hand in my trunks like that. Ow! You had the reaction that you and I would normally have as a child when you have a searing pain across the penis, the trunks are too tight.

Which is, yeah. Although, yeah, but I could feel something was having a gentle nibble, right? Yeah. I then put my hands down and pulled up sort of simultaneously pull off my trunks Which got a big laugh obviously in front of all the other kids Why wouldn't you? Wouldn't it I mean that should get a lot and then saw something scuttled across the floor to this day I think was a scorpion. There's blood on my hand. It'd my hand. I'd taken a big nip to the foreskin.

And it was fucking painful, man. It was one of the most, yeah. And for years after I had a little scar on my foreskin of the bite. It really got in there hard. And it frightened me. You're talking about being bitten on the dick by a scorpion like some guy at a pub, like sort of proudly talking

about a fight where he beats something like... No, no, no. You seem to be relishing... Mate, I took it even then though. That's one moment where I was like, maybe I'm actually not the fucking wimp that I thought. I took a bite, you know, I was quite a sobbing. And also what was weird is when the teachers had to come up and sort of console me, but at this point my trunk's around my ankles and I was just holding my willy and balls. So you took a bite to the willy but what you think was a scorpion there's some blood you pulled your trunks down you started crying No, but I just remember like the sort of like, yeah, the teachers. Maybe I'm not a wimp, but you were exactly as well. Maybe I'm not a wimp, but I was just sobbing, holding my dick while a sort of parade of other kids just point and laugh at me.

Yeah, I'll show you wouldn't. You thought I was pathetic, didn't you? Who's laughing now? Shout out Mr. Barth as well, man. He was fucking, yeah. He was a big sort of strong Welshman ex rugby player. I always remember his voice soft but sort of he said, no pull up your trunks and let's get you to sit down here. Pull up your trunks son. Yeah. I mean those are the occasions when like as a teacher you do think what have I signed up for this. I remember like being on this. Would you have done that? Would you have I signed up for this? I remember like being would you would you have done that? Would you have given the kitty hug? I

Would have asked to pull the trunks up first But yes, I like you have to not have to you don't have to give the child a hug That's something you're saying court isn't it? But what I mean is like, you know if the child needs you're not supposed to are you but there's some occasions that yeah Beside myself. Yeah exactly. Yeah, so, you know that in that case Yeah, I was fucking beside myself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so you know that in that case Yeah, just a little hug. I mean, yeah, the problem is as a teacher You always think to yourself how is this gonna affect the child's sort of social standing going forward and I

Know it sounds weird. I would probably have got the child away from sort of a public arena before sort of offering because because then it's like Yeah, you know when the kids are go. Oh's like, you don't want the kid to go, oh my God, you had to pull your trunks up so Rangers could hug you. I feel like that is, do you know what I mean? Socially, that's tricky. But I mean, I remember. By the way, if you're gonna, you wanna be hugged

by a teacher called Rangers over Mr. Bath. Yeah, sure, yeah. And also, because it's weird as well, even now, I never even thought about this, but because Mr. Bath was obviously in his trunks, too Why so sorry what what the fuck are you talking about? He's going swimming as well, right? He's not gonna go swimming in his clothes that be insane. So he's sorry you had a skin-on skin hug with mr. Bath

You fucking hell man! I was right on the side myself, upset. He's not going to go, Davis hold up there mate, I'm just going to go and stick on a tree, a shirt and a t-shirt. He was fucking there because it was nothing like that. I know it's nothing like that, I'm not insinuating that Mr. Barth is like an offender or anything, but what I'm saying is, it's just you've got to think about the visual of it. You've just had your, you've got blood all over your genitals. You've pulled your trunks up,

and then Mr. Barth is nestling his chest in your- I haven't pulled my trunks up in it, but I- Okay, so your trunks are still down, and then Mr. Barth kind of nestles his head in your bosom I'm assuming you're a foot taller than this size. How old are you? I suppose has been about 13. So then you what you're pushing six four six five Mr. Barth a small and a short stocky man from Wales for the valleys That's all right.

You'll sort of strike in Mr. Biles head. If I was five inches shorter I'd have been able to blow that scorpion off. Christ almighty. Oh Jesus. So a lot of people walking past we probably look like the two robbers out of Home Alone. What scenes are that? You know Home Alone, Joe Pesky. I know Home Alone, but at what point are they in there swimming chunks hugging each other? Well no they never got to go on a, that would have been quite a good sort of follow up actually if they'd gone to Mexico or something. Anyway we still haven't got the result of what happened with your bite here because you're all over the shot.

So, yeah, I mean, it took over most of yesterday. It meant, you know, Katherine, quite a lot of the day was sort of checking in on me being OK. It's still throbbing, but it's definitely gone down. Do you know what it was? No, no. You can't really see it now. You've got really gut in the microphone. now. You've got to show your gut. Because as we all know, you're looking probably, well not probably, there's no doubt about it. You're looking the best you've ever looked.

So now we get to see what you're really made of, right? Because you've been pretty humble, pretty self-deprecating, but now we've entered into sexy Tom Davis era, and now we're gonna see really what you're made of in terms of humility, because look, is there an elevator that you'll get into without taking a selfie? I don't think so.

I've not stopped the elevators as much, I've been slightly, after last week's conversation, I was like, maybe the elevator stuff is getting a bit crazy. No, well, the truth is now you've got to such a point where your confidence is at such a level. By the way, I celebrate this. You no longer need the safety of the elevator's lighting in order to make you feel good. Now you're in the light of day, you'll happily take the photo of yourself, you know. I did the broadcast awards this week.

Okay, before we carry on on the broadcast awards, sorry to interrupt, ala Wolf, but I heard a report about how you did the broadcast. In fact, I've had two reports. So you hosted the broadcast digital awards, didn't you? Which is a big gig. Big gig. I'm very anxious about this,

because I, that was probably, I'd say, the gigs that I've done in my my time doing this I'd say the most anxious I've ever felt because it's a whole room full of your industry colleagues I used to this day have no idea if it would phenomenally badly or okay. There are two places I'd be very happy if okay. I'm about to tell you Before we get into the details of the the actual gig what I'd love to talk about is how is you ended up in a situation where you had those shoes, obviously it's an audio medium, so I'm just going to explain. You've turned up to the event with not a pair of shoes. You've got two shoes and they're from different pairs.

Yeah, yeah. How does that happen? I've been wearing that two pair of different shoes to black tie events and corporates for the last three or four months without noticing and it was Jim Patterson who noticed this and brought it to my attention. Tom, I understand if you throw them in your bag, right, I'm just saying describes two, it's a pair of brogues, I say a pair they're not a pair pair of bro's one of them has like a brown leather paneling and the rest of its back the other one is completely black so they are clearly different shoes on top of that you got feet like my eyes

one of them looks like a size and a half bigger than the other yeah but they are both the same that is insane they look look the same. That is insane. They look so different. Look at them. Look. That is mental. Yeah. But I never caught I just put them on and just went to work. But you've worn those three or four times. Yeah, exactly. Over the last, yeah. And not noticed. All to wedding. No. Oh my God. And also other people around me. Do you know what? I don't want to get in your head about this but there will be people that have noticed that.

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is made just the way you like it. Handcrafted cold foam topped with toasted cookie crumble. It's a sweet summer twist on iced coffee. Your cold brew is ready at Starbucks. Anyway. okay. Do you want your report on your broadcast digital? Yeah. Okay.

Hit me up. Okay. I'm going to give him a shout out because, because he deserves a shout out. Uh, the, the executive producer of the weakest link was at the broadcast digital awards. Wow. Wow. Okay.

Right. Yeah. Text me and said, I'm at the broadcast digital awards. Wow. Okay. Right. Yeah. Text me and said, I'm at the broadcast digital awards. Tom D is presenting them. Love him. He's doing a great job. How do you feel about that? A little bit calmer. You know, the thing like you'll notice feeling after the gig, I had a number of people say That went that one better than a lot of people but I think you've done more of these than I have You've done a BAFTA's

That's different but like anyway, but people coming up to me before going look mate Don't put don't get too much in your head because this one's a hard one. You know, they don't really listen. It's a good. Yeah Also when I do these things III I'm never gonna be a slick As you were more aware the most a slick presenter of I'm not mr. Go That's part of what you're part of what you get me to yes as part of the charm of it But some people are brilliant are doing that and I'm not if I try to do that So I just thought I'd make it all a bit shambolic. Like I was forgetting stuff and I was fucking about. Yeah, it reminds me of the way you described it there. It's very much similar presenting to start to what Boris Johnson does. Yeah, I mean, I was going to defend myself. Oh, bloody hell. Welcome to the broadcaster. What are these? They're bloody...

No, my point being, I thought I'd just fuck, but then I think a lot of people were like, took that as being... As in like, they thought you were really a fuck up? I was trying to be slick and I, you know, and quite a lot of people afterwards were coming up going I thought you did great, obviously you weren't helped by the sound. And you know that thing where people are being kind but also you're like what? You didn't do the sounds failing bit did you? You didn't like, you didn't grab the mic and go first of all it's really like...

You didn't do that did you? No, no, no, no. I just pretended I was really not... You didn't do that, did you? No, no, no. I just pretended I was really out of breath and stuff like that. I sprinted to the stage. I can't believe you sprinted to the stage. Anything that would minimise my time on stage I would do. I would walk slowly. That's a minute. I sprinted around and zigzagged through a lot of the time. Anyway, I digress. So a lot of people were sort of saying these things and I in my head was like it's a really tough

Yeah, I was just I'm not quite sure how this is gone. I have no idea Shout out David Taylor came on stage then shout out CPL for winning Digital production company here very well deserved obviously Robin Rom digital production company of the year, very well deserved. Obviously, Rob and Ron, Ligarone, and Meredith, first time, making some great, anyway, David Taylor came up, it was very, very sweet to me on stage, because at that point I was like, I had no idea really, yeah, I would say it was a tough one.

What's going on? You started wanting to tell the story, and then you sort of shut, it No, no, no, but... It's like you... No, because... In the middle of the way through it you remember that you've been legally embargoed from talking about it. No, no, but you know, do you not think sometimes you start thinking about moments of the night

and you start creating a cordial? There's a bit of a sadness in your eyes. A couple of questions I want to ask based on what you said, and let's be honest, the detail about the entirety of the broadcast digital awards was less than your detail about the lump after the bite but just a couple of things based on what you said did you high five anybody in your way to the stage I'm away to the stage yeah yeah of course I did okay fucking because I gave some back rub Jesus no because I know because the way you you described it, when you said I was zigzagging around the table, in my head immediately I've just thought about when David Brent turns up to do that corporate talk.

There was an energy off that. Oh my God. Oh man. Yeah, there probably was a vibe. A little bit of a vibe. And then do you remember in the American office when, what's his face? What's the? Super?

No, the big accountant guy, Kevin. Do you know when Kevin does the talk and then he puts the song on and he runs around the room and then he's really out of breath and like has to vomit into the bin. That was my opening kind of thing. I forgot that Kevin did that. That was a version of also can I just say because of Shoegate, because Jim brought the attention to my shoes.

Yeah. Shout out to Jim. I had to then run out and get a pair of matching shoes because obviously then once you know that they're not a pair, you've got a joke about it or I ran out and got a pair and I got a pair of really cheap brogues. Like really cheap, that's the only thing that was open at the time. Yeah. And they had leather soles. So completely frictionless?

Yes, there was a little bit of slipping going on. I sort of tried to make a joke about that and it... Because there was a ramp to run up and I sort of gave it a little slip and went, oh, new shoes. Jesus fucking Christ. Because there was a ramp to run up and I sort of gave it a little slip and went, oh you shoes Now I'm starting to lose a bit of respect for Pete now because he's He's giving me a report and the report I'm getting from you is it was an absolute shit show No, but if I'm honest, I think the material went that but also I have you played that room in the brewery, right? It and it's got a little stage at the end. It never feels like it carries all the way through

I've listen let me tell you something Tom. I've died on my ass at the brewery. All right. Yeah And I explained what happened is one of my first ever corporate gigs. It wasn't anything as illustrious as the broadcast digital awards It was some sort of Some sort of legal thing.'s like a I can't remember what it was but it's like in the law profession and I've never agreed to do this since because of this but basically they part of the deal was that I sat and had lunch with the head table oh no no no no no right so I couldn't even eat before yeah so I've sat down with them and we're having a

chat and stuff and they're asking me about They're asking about stand-up comedy and all of that and then I go up and I die on my own Right, like absolutely die my off. So I just goes so terribly and in my defense Well, there's no defense for the performance of performance is a shit show But in my defense as a human I wasn't experienced enough to do that kind of you know I was just out of slightly out of my depth But the only way you can get in your depth is to be out of your depth for a little bit so I've done this gig and you do something you've never done yeah yeah yeah and I think I sort of I think I've got the point across I don't think it needed you to step in like we're outnumbered in a

fight outside of weberspoons but so I die on my arse which is fine whatever you know people die on their arse and then I have to sit back down for the rest of the meal. Why did you sit back down? Because I was at the fucking table the meal hadn't finished it was like in between mains and desserts and coffee. Oh my god. And then basically. Oh fucking that is awful. It's like Superman has gone up to deliver a speech and then fucking somebody that isn't Superman. Clark Kent. Someone else. There you go, Clark Kent's.

Like Dweeb. Except Clark Kent's got his flies undone and his dicks hanging out. You know when Superman, was it two or three where he basically loses all his powers? Yeah, Superman too, yeah. He gets beaten up. Yeah. just like his pounds, yeah. Superman 3, by the way,

let's talk about Superman 3 for a little bit. Obviously, they're very excited about Richard Pryor, and so they decide to take one of the greatest comedy, well, arguably the greatest comedy talent of all time, and put him front and center of the shittest superhero film, arguably ever. As a kid, that was my favorite Superman, just because Richard Pryryor as a kid I

Richard Pryor is unbelievable in it, but there's a bit I've got some vague recollection of Superman sort of being encased in jam at one point and sort of having to Is met? Hold on to it. That's the war with Terrence Stamp and all the fucking those guys right now. No, that's the one with Terence Stamp and all the fucking, those guys right? The black suits? No, that's two. Oh, that's two. Oh, Shree's the one with Lex Luthor and Richard Pryor falls down the big slide. Yeah, and then there's the nuclear weapons or whatever, you know what I mean?

And Richard Pryor's like... I always remember that one quite fondly, but I haven't watched it for years. But still, actually, do you know it's not one of the worst superhero films of all time that's not true I mean it's it's got Christopher Reeves in it so it's not gonna be the worst you know what I mean but um the new ones getting the new one is getting a lot of stick. Four was bad. The new one is getting some the new ones getting some stick isn't it? Is it getting some stick though? Shtick, I've used the wrong word there. Is it getting some stick?

Because I read this thing about this, there's a review got leaked that said it was bad, that guy's not trusted. This is the other thing, by the way, just I know that it's been, well, I know that we're not supposed to be talking about TikTok anymore, but let's just forget TikTok, but just influences in general, right?

There is a phenomenon now of like people getting known online for reviewing films. Then the studio gets excited about these people. They've got a big following. Then they invite them in to have access to like behind the scenes and talking to the stars and stuff. And then they do a review and then you can't trust the review now because they've been given all this unprecedented access and like all of this shit So now when somebody says oh, it's an unbelievable film ago Yeah, cuz I saw you with what's his name? Corrin sweat you were hanging out you went and played Mario Kart together now space

Now I'm supposed to believe that you you're giving me an impartial review of the film. What are you talking about? You're done You're done. Yeah Do you mean like that's the thing? I don Do you know what I mean? That's the thing. And don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go at them. If I got invited to go and do a thing, I would do it. It's an amazing experience and these people are really into this stuff. I'm not having a go. But the idea that you can then... If you've hung out with them,

if you spent the day at Chessington with Nicholas Holt, how are you going to talk about how he played Lex Luthor? You can't know what I don't know if Nicholas Holt would be that much fun at Chessington. He always seems quite serious chap Yeah, I think I've always like a boy. Oh, he's a fucking great actor No doubt that but if I was going to Chessington, I'll probably and it was him or Rob Beckett. I'll go for a Beckett Yeah, I don't think that's the biggest compliment the Rob Beckett's ever had Nicholas Holt's a stranger to you. Rob Beckett's a good mate No, I'm just saying Rob Beckett would be in my

It's like me going on. I don't know. I've had a choice between I don't know going to dinner with my next door neighbor or Tom Davis. I'll go with Tom Davis What are you supposed to be touched by that, are you? Well, I'm just saying, it's like Nicholas Holt. I think there's certain situations where Nicholas Holt would go, oh actually, if I was going to the library or something, or even probably if I was gonna play paddle maybe,

I'd probably go, Nicholas Holt would be great. I think the theme park. Better than Rob Beckett. I don't know what Rob Beckett, I think it was a waste of Rob Beckett going to the Better than Rob Beckett? I don't know what Rob Beckett... Rob Beckett... I think it was a waste of Rob Beckett going to the library with Rob Beckett. You're not going to get the best of Beckett at a library. No, that's true. You'd be quiet. You know what I mean? Rob Beckett in silence is not the best version of that man. No, no. Whereas I'd say Nicholas Holt, you know, whispered,

sort of both reading a book and like whispering and debating it, could be quite fun. Arguably I'd say I'm a bit wasted in the library but if Nicholas Holt texts me now when I've got your number from so and so do you want to go to the library I'll probably go fuck it up. When's the last time you went to a library? I actually went last week with Grace, we actually got kicked out. out but um well it's up off the grace it's weird we went to the teddy bears picnic and he took his top off because he had a bite but now what's happened is he's got a taste for it now anytime we

are in any kind of school event he sort of is pretending he's got a bite so he can reveal his torso no grace and me, grace to me, we're quite, we've been quite loud being silly and playing and, and there's a trouble with the libraries when they've got the kids corner in it. It's very hard to- I don't, sorry, you can't get kicked out the kids corner for your kid being noisy. What are you talking about? What are you doing? The library that we go to is very, very strict. No, no, we've been quite loud.

It's the kids corner. Mate, the woman was very much. I'd say that she was she'd been primed and. Her life had been dedicated to working as a librarian, librarian, I'd ever seen. Let me let me say something controversial, Tom, if I may, if you don't mind. And listen, as you know, I've moved into a new stage of my life I'm trying to not be negative about people and I'm trying to you know

Be understanding of people's positions and I'm sound like librarians got a hard job to do But the impacts that has on little G, you know, we are in a situation here where our libraries need support, you know Let me not get on my soapbox about this, but we are in a position where libraries need support We need children to feel like libraries are somewhere you go. Now one of Grace's memories of it is her dad, topless, being told off by a librarian. She's going to for a long time associate that with trauma now. An embarrassment. I also did.

I was doing impressions. She was laughing afterwards because I was doing impressions of the lady. And then she sort of was trying I was doing impressions of the lady. And then she sort of was trying to do an impression of the lady. And also she said the lady stinks of farts, which always makes me laugh. Is that true though, or is she just saying that? No, I didn't smell that, I didn't get a good sniff.

If anything, she smelled of like a sort of like, Christ. She knows what your taste is in jokes now, doesn't she? She had like a rose water in her. And it's that person who smells of fart? You know that rose water? That's what he likes. Jesus. She's treating you like a fucking jungler. She's having to do her Route 1 base stuff because that's what you enjoy. She actually smelt more of rose water this woman. You know like sort of. I don't mind that smell. I'm not sure about it. I find it a bit sickly after a while. I mean you can get it back your throat

It's too rosy. You know what I started doing this week Tom using a body spray that matches my aftershave It's the first time I've ever done it really I've been doing it for years. Mmm I know I'm sure you have but I mean it does add another day. Are you feeling yeah, but you always smell so good I would know if I was gonna say about you Within a top five things about you is your aroma. That's very sweet of you to say. You always smell delicious. I'd say that, wow, that's incredible that you're stepping

up. That is actually Lionel Messi moves. That's like Lionel Messi going, I don't know if I'm good enough at football. Do you know what I haven't achieved though? So basically, so I do, I am passionate about how I smell. It's like, you know I haven't achieved though so basically so I I do I am passionate about how I smell it's like Yeah, you know I I know what your passion then becomes other people's passions. It's nice to be around somebody smells nice. Yeah, but What I haven't mastered is To walk into a room and that room smells of you like not in a horror like the problem is it's like it's walking that Line, isn't it between? being, wearing too much, that's horrendous. But also, you know that thing where people go,

in fact, somebody said this to me about, Flo told me this about Lee Evans, right? That Lee Evans, and still probably wears, what I'm talking about, she's talking about when he was like doing stand-up, Flo said that he would wear this cologne and he had a signature scent that he always wore. So you always notice Lee Evans, right?

And that when she said, sometimes you'd know when you'd been through a corridor. What? Yeah, because it was like- How much is he wearing? Well, but she said it wasn't unpleasant when you were in it. That's why I don't understand how you do that. If it's, yeah, I don't.

Because for me, I'd be like, well, I've got to do a hundred sprays then. And then suddenly people are just physically react You know what he might be you know what people are there's a tick tock thing Well, no, we're not talking about tick tock, but where people put it in Vaseline don't they yes God who Theo really? Mate that kids he is his Scent game is on point.

You've been so worked. He's also doing like he has like a base layer deodorant that apparently like he bought it specifically that activates the the makes it he's not all about that he's been looking into the he knows what he's doing. So the student has become the teacher as far as that in that regard. But I think it's a lot of money to get rid like put in all your like a really good aftershave in with Vaseline.

I know, I know. Let's be honest, aftershave is pricy unless you buy the the dupes. Have you ever bought a dupe? I may I wore dupe all the way up till I was about 33. I'm not talking about duke. We're talking about two different things. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Juke, look at fragrance. Have you ever wanted juke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I've had them when I've been abroad, yeah. I think when we... Yeah, probably actually even up to not that long ago, I was sort of... If I was abroad and I'd smell one, I'd go, that smells good. And then the first initial spray, it doesn't hold its scent. No, it doesn't last. Well, apparently some juke's do.

Really? Yeah, apparently they do. I always think when I see the guy in it with a case and you see there's used to be a guy on Oxford Street used to sell them didn't he? Yeah but they're not real. You didn't buy any off him did you? Well years ago I did. Yeah a few have fucking raced. But that's not even a jeep. A building site used to be in the Aladdin's cave of aromas and DVDs. Yeah but Tom they're not even jigs. Dory. That's not even, that's just like some random shit. Yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying.

Oh, so you, what, there's a juke, what you mean like, as in it's a duplicate? As in like, you know like, I don't know, a Ventus Creed or whatever. Yeah. That, what is that, 250 quid a bottle or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get a duplicate of that for like 20 quid that apparently smells identical

Wow, yeah I went to a wedding on Friday. Whoa. I landed from in Doe, oh am I allowed to say this? Nizia. Rob and I had been on a little shoot. I landed at eight o'clock in the morning and I left for the wedding at 11. What?

And I went to the wedding and- You must have been fucking, did you sleep on a plane? I slept on the plane. Yeah I did sleep in the plane. Although yeah, I didn't sleep great. I tell you what I did watch on the plane though Tom yeah the studio. Yeah I Enjoyed it. I thought I was saying for the studio Studio we do it the same show Seth Rogen. The studio. I watched the studio. We were doing about the same show. Seth Rogen, Apple.

Yeah, yeah, I struggled to, I enjoyed it. I just struggled a bit with it. I started watching Platonic and really enjoyed that and Stick. I think it's good studio. I don't know. I just, there was, I think Catherine was, Catherine really wasn't enjoying it. So the only one you watch it as a couple, you both got to be invested.

Well, the thing is I knew, I didn't watch it, I knew to watch it on the plane. There's certain things I know Lisa's not gonna enjoy, the studio is one of them. I can just tell she ain't gonna be into it. So there's certain shows you watch separately because that'll be one of those ones where you put it on and you go I've heard this is really good and it's the sort of thing I'm into then you put it on and then they look across at you like do you know look this is what your caffeine does it's not really look just the sort of stuff you enjoy. Caffeine goes like this yeah okay okay I said she's looked it up and then she's looked at her phone she starts looking at

what Molly May's up to. Okay fine yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked it though. I mean, I think it's funny. The one thing I think that I would have preferred if there was more of a narrative arc through the thing. Like, it's very standalone episodes, isn't it? Which is fine for the first couple, but then after that you go, oh, nothing here seems to have a massive consequence of what happens in the next episode.

He is so fucking watchable. We'd start watching that platonic instead. I love you seen that That's really nice in there and he's pretty he is fucking he's a don Seth Seth Rogan is an incredible talent man Like amazing he is he's what we he's what we could have been if we had sort of ability skill Yeah Say about him is I can't even imagine me reason about You know the one thing I'd say about him is I can't even imagine the reason why he talks about his stand-up and he's really self-deprecating about how he was. There can't be a world right, having written the stuff he's done. I'd love to watch Seth Rogen do stand-up. I just think he'd kill it. I think he's so fucking funny.

Well, you sort of remind me a bit of him. Really? Yeah, yeah. In terms of like, you know, you're quite sort of, you've got kind of a friendly face. You've got sort of, not similar faces, but you've got a similar energy to your faces. You're both sort of funny. You've got funny bones. And well, that's it.

That's the end of you. I think you're quite similar. I mean, look, the way I feel about South Rogan is how I felt about you. And I watched you open for me in the whole full those years ago. This guy should do stand up more. Yeah. Yeah. You know, yeah. Speaking of which, Tom, if I wanted to see you do stand up,

how could I do it? Well, you could do is you could go on to big Tom Davis dot com and book tickets for my tour that is busting and going across the nation from January next year. We're hitting up some beautiful, beautiful towns. Very, very excited. I mean, I haven't written the show yet, so it's very nerve-racking.

Tom, if I can assume the chronology of how a tour normally goes, what I imagine has happened, and correct me if I'm wrong at any of these stages, you've written a first flurry of about 15 minutes, you've done that in a few gigs, that's gone very, very well, then you've said to Flo, let's pull the trigger on the tour, you've gone and done the photo shoot, great images by the way, loved the tour poster, and now your little arsehole is puckering, because you know the tour's going

to start in January and you know we're near where you think you need to be is that right? Yeah, I mean, I think you'd be very calm with the 15 minutes. I think I've got about seven It's fucking dawning. It's very dawning. Do you do you find that thing? I've already do because you sort of talked about this before but you sit there and you just go how the fuck did I ever get? That last tour together and I don't I don't think there's no real science to it And then the stuff that I thought, oh, this will really work. And it's really not. I did so many work in progress this last time. But so many, you're not doing as many this time or something.

Not as much. No, I was so ring rusty. I probably will. I probably end up doing a lot when I get back from I'm gonna have a like a little break with the family and then get back and hit it hard. But also, well, I've also got something else booked in which I can't really talk about the moment But that that's also giving me a lot of anxiety. Is it almost? No, no, no. No, I mean, I think I've talked about for it's just it's just added to the workload of stuff I've got a day. Listen, don't I know what it is and I you don't want to talk about it But I hope you don't mind.'m going to talk about it, okay?

And don't worry, I won't get into trouble. You're nervous because of, I'm going to guess, the Wolf and El Tor. Do you know what? The Wolf, can I say, this podcast is the one thing that I don't feel any anxiety about. Yeah, because you don't give a shiny shit about it. That's why.

I do give a shiny shit. I enjoyed it. Can I just say, shout out, I did Silverstone on Friday night lovely gig be a really great crowd I know it was a lovely gig because because before you went and did the gig you were like really nervous about it then afterwards there's a little self-satisfied it's almost post-coital the photo you posted of you in the car just going walk walk route walk around Silverstone they want now want to Brian we move there's something like that it's like Tony

Robbins did stand up David Fred Tony Robbins a big key well character that would be joined together um no but a lot of people came up and said very nice things about it But I I feel Mitch Pryford did this podcast I think and I sent you a message the other day from someone who sent me an incredible message about it And I think yeah, it's something I but I feel like this is did I I feel like I'm not missing I'm very much enjoy being on the road with you. That's gonna be a fucking joy nervous about it. So how are we gonna approach it? Is what I've got no idea unplanned. I imagine you completely up it has to follow the scene If I would love to get similar to rain reviews as we did at the crossed wires festival

We were the only podcast that wasn't invited back I'm fully aware of that Fully in the smaller room. I think it might have gone so badly for them, our show, that I think it might have brought the festival in jeopardy. That's how badly I think what we did win. I imagine they got, listen, Tom, think about it like this. We got some negative feedback from that performance. Imagine what the festival themselves got. I can't even but I

Dread to think what feedback they've seen about. Yeah, which we should say actually a big Yeah apologies to everyone involved Let me stop you there. There's no need to apologize. We did what we always do the problem was, you know As is often the case in life The problem is the level of expectation versus what the reality is. The problem was, you know, as is often the case in life, the problem is the level of expectation versus what the reality is. That's that's where misery lies. Do you mean that's what happened? We shouldn't apologize for doing the same shit we always do. You know,

what we're gonna do a choreographed dance all of a sudden, because we're in Sheffield, we should do a dance that I think we should try and work on a musical number. We're doing the cherries out there. You're doing the cherries, maybe a musical number with like a surprise guest at the end of each show Oh, you could do one of yeah, you could do one of your new songs Mate, I'm so excited about this album, bro. When's it coming out? What's it? Well, do you know what? I've got a single for if you want it

I'm not gonna put it on the podcast now, but I can send you after the podcast So first thing I will since it you can have a listen god. I'm actually feasting on this. Yeah. Yeah. So you're nervous about the till basically? Yeah. I'm nervous about everything in my life at the moment. There's no need to be. There's no need to be. Everything will be fine. I'm a very anxious human being. Okay. Should we do one email to close this off because we've got a lot of emails about Mickey drips, but a lot of people a lot of people giving us tips and then a lot of people a lot of people saying can you stop talking about it's horrible. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, yeah. So here this is from okay. He's not given an animal name Good day Tom and Ron, so I'm assuming is from Australia. Oh, by the way, sorry

I'm all over the place here. Jim with that guy that wanted to get a teacher retirement present. Yep. Yep So and then Jim we got into a bit of an argument because yeah, you said the guys got to be doing the same job Yeah, yeah. Well, can I just doth my cap to you doing the same job. Yeah, yeah. Well, can I just doth my cap to you? You're correct. The guy's also a teacher. So, far be it for me to say that I don't give credit where credit's due, okay?

Yeah, no, no, no, I take your credit. I shall feast on your cre-sant. Your credit all day. Feast on my cre-sant? on your present present your credit based on my crescent mr. bath okay good night I'm a wrong beam religiously listen to the podcast for a while now and I thought of a question for you to discuss well I didn't entirely think of it myself I saw Ricky Gervais talk about it okay I would be better to have it tackled in a much less comedically raw do manner

If you were teleported 500 years into the past with no clothes nothing and had to persuade someone that you're from the future How would you do it? Would love to hear you debate this I'm pretty sure Tom will say this is a mistake for the end of podcast But let's try and see if we can tackle this in oh easy from Australia, by the way Let's see if we can tackle this in five minutes. He said hope hope to see you in Brisbane at some point. Okay, Tom, 500 years into the past. I'm someone from the future. Go. I'm from the past, so you're from the future. Hold on, who's from, have I traveled with you? Oh, sorry, I'm from the past, so I'm in the past. I'm in the

past, sorry, and then you've traveled from the future. Okay. 500 years. Christ. Where's that caveman shit or is that? 500 years ago. So where are we? Victorian, Abordians? Where are we at? 500 years ago is caveman shit. Fucking hell. Let me look it up actually 500 years ago where are we 500 years ago from now? because Ricky will know this shit

I know I know that's the problem with this isn't it? the 16th century, the late renaissance, age of exploration, the beginning of the Protestant Reformation and the German peasants. Okay. Hello, Frank. Oh gosh, tis a giant. Tis a giant come to terrorise us. What are you doing? I bid you good day. Away from me, beast. No, no, no, no, no. I have interesting and exciting news. Also, I'm not actually technically a giant. I'm just very, very large. You're completely naked, sir, and I believe and you sorry sir Yeah before sorry my lady you're I Before you get offended you're probably wondering about the

Bites go upon my penis Well, I I'll be I'll be honestly good sir is wondering which one of us in the role play would get to that first. But congratulations. I doff my bonnet to you. I was bitten, sharp and fast by a scorpion. Yes, well, yes, you probably know them as pirates or people Pirates pirates you you're bitten Upon your nether regions by a pilot sir No, no scorpion, but there is a group of pirates called the scorpions beware of them

Probably well, that's worry about them for another hundred years. You won't be alive, but your children will listen my love Do you know anywhere around here? I can get some clothes well not Well not for Not for a man of your Stature, but I do believe I do believe there's a stable around the corner where they keep shire horses. Maybe one of those That's that's very kind of you to compare me to a shire horse in my present Let me be absolutely crystal clear. I refer mainly to the size of your body. To be absolutely

crystal clear, I can't believe how completely out of proportion you are, sir, if you don't mind me commenting immodestly. May I be as presumptuous as to interrupt? How much of it did the scorpion bite off, sir? Listen, wench. I'm in a distressed situation. Do you have a spare penny, nay apron, that I could wear? I have a spare penny, but I fear for you, my sir, it be but a tankerchief. One might wear it upon one's breast pocket. Maybe you know a baker or butcher with such an apron.

I do. And I also know a candlestick maker, sir. Which one of them do you require? Well, probably at the moment, I could do like a meat sandwich. So either the big butcher. I feel like I'm staring at one of Verily. I feel like I'm looking at a meat sandwich right now, sir. Okay, stop flirting with me. I Need to tell you something and you need to listen. I'm through 500 years in the future

Wow, so you're just getting straight into it. Yes I've come from I've been traveled all of my clothes my phone my Phone yes phone phone my bodily functions of... Phone? Phone? Phone? Phone? Can you imagine if you were... A phone is how you... What is a phone? In the year 500 years from now which you won't be alive, nay, probably won't even have any relatives because of the Black Death, will be awry, won't be awry, but it's a piece of technology that I can call... Sorry, if I may use language that's not of my vernacular. There's a piece of technology. So imagine, if you will, someone in a different country,

Neyland, that I could call and say, hello Keith, or Bronwyn, how are you? And then they'd speak back to me through the phone. I'd be honest with you, sir, the only word I understood from that whole thing was nay. OK, end scene. Yeah. All right. So it was quite a difficult thing to do. It was very difficult. I wonder how Ricky Gervais handled it. I'm ready to watch Ricky do it.

Well, the reason I've wrapped it up, Tom, is actually because I know you've got a car waiting for you now. Yeah. You've got to go. I've got a car waiting. I'm jumping on a train. Yeah. But you've got a car taking you to the station, right?

No, no, no, what's a car picking up from the other end, right? No, no a lot of walking today, baby. Okay, okay friends dignitaries recently I Went toe-to-toe. No, I was abusive to a specimen known as a wasp. I didn't think there'd be any comeback. I spoke freely and offensively. And for that, in a way, I'm sorry. See, the wasp folk and spiders, maybe a false widow,

had gathered together word of my foul language and derogatory slang had reached them. And they made a pact that if one of them saw me, they would teach me a lesson. The lesson was handed out this week. The lesson was learned. Homework was studied. And I feel a little bit bad about being so presumptuous and so mean. See, the way that I sometimes play this game, the game of life, is I run fast and I run loose with these things I call my lips. And sometimes that upsets people. I'm not just talking about

wasps or spiders. I'm talking about life in general. Sometimes we all have actions that cause a reaction. Sometimes we say something or do something that can upset people. This week I've been on both sides of this thing. From one side I was the offender against wasps, spiders and their kind. And then another way where it got back to me of stuff. And I guess that's the thing. Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

And if you're outside house, it's mean to throw stones at someone with a glass house. I guess what I'm trying to say is be kind, be true, be you. And if you think about saying something mean, think of Mr. Bath. Be kind, be true, be you. And if you think about saying something mean, think of Mr. Bath. He stood by the pool, holding a boy sobbing with his penis in his hand, because he'd been bitten by a scorpion.

And although Mr. Bath at some point must have thought, this might look weird, he didn't worry. He just gave the boy a gentle hug and said, it'll be okay. Very much like Chief Gordon in Batman when he got the boy a jacket. That's really nice Tom. Thank you so much. Really. Thank you. I loved it. I really loved it. Thank you. JT could you take us out with the new sceptre Fredigenchi? I don't know if you know Tom but it's really good. It's called Victory Lap.

Please take us out JT. We will see you next time guys. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. These people, spud gun tickets available. Spud gun tickets available. And tickets for the Wolf and Owl Tour, which is also tickets available for that as well. Tickets, tickets, tickets. Tickets yeah. We'll see you next time. Thank you very much. Bye bye. Peace out and love people. Tickets yeah, we'll see you next time. Thank you very much. Bye. Bye If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfalpod.gmail.com. That's wolfalpod.gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.

How do you know if you're worrying too much? How can you mend a broken heart? Does peeking at school ruin you for life? I'm Susie Ruffall, a stand-up comedian and someone who has always experienced anxiety. And I've written a book, Am I Having Fun Now? Considering some of life's big questions. Featuring bonus insights from the likes of Charlene Douglas, Sarah Pascoe, Elizabeth Day and Dolly Alderton. Am I Having Fun Now? is out now in hardback, ebook and audio.