Wolf and Owl - S4 Ep 34: A Pool Poo & Slow Jet Skiing

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

We’re talking… the Davis family’s last day in Portugal, a new phone-use rule, a poo in the pool at Tom’s hotel and several days of civil unrest, Rom’s new Tom voice, a full debrief on last week’s Beckett and Ranganathan lunch, GCSE results day, a very slow jet ski ride, the end of Rangaball and some questionable urinal behaviour. For questions or comments, please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com A Mighty Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Wait, was that the group chat? Ah, sent a text to the group that definitely wasn't for everyone. You're good. Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish. Yeah, what you want, beak or jaws, feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws, whatever's preferred.

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bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog hello and welcome to Wolf and Al

the podcast it's the podcast version of the Wolfenau which only exists as a podcast and soon as a live show as is the as is in keeping with our summer one of us is abroad

so a bit of a mad one where are you still in Portugal in there in the business suite of all places. Well, did you ask if I could let you... No, no, no, I snuck in here. My figuration was at 6 a.m. No one else is going to be around.

No, that's good. It's our final day. We fly back today. How's your holiday been? It's been great. Do you know what? It's been absolutely... Just spending time with G.

It's just been... I mean, Catherine and Grace, but just grace is just really... Quite amazing. Just grace, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Catherine left on day three Yeah

So it should be the two of us It was sad It's sad isn't it When your other half says I wish we could spend more time together And then they finally discover What that looks like and feels like I think

Grace is very much The boss of the holiday In the everything we'll do But I think The biggest thing that's happened Actually on the day that we last spoke As been Pooke Yeah

So I did sort of see that you posted a little bit about it on your stories but you did that typical thing of um i would say it's the poo version of somebody going big news coming soon yeah can't talk about it now where you sort of said there was a poo but you didn't sort of go into any more detail about it so you want to just for the for the animal pack just lay it down for us please yeah firstly so let me just say let me wipe my ass almost with the uh or sort of clean my mouth phone conferences. The main reason I can't get too into it is because I've made a solemn vow that not to be on my phone. I'd literally

got back from the mist of Pugate and I was itching to sort of talk about it to someone who was in grace. How does this vow work? Because I actually got worried about yesterday where I'd sent you a text about recording this pod. You hadn't replied for, which is you hadn't replied for 10 minutes which is unusual for you and then hours passed by and then i thought well let me just see if he's posting because it's possibly he just doesn't want to reply which is fine that's in your yeah i've got no issues with that and then i looked on your instagram and there was no active stories on your instagram that tom is when i started to become concerned because i thought

he's not sent any updates from his holiday now i'm starting to get worried so i actually did text you a little bit panicked i've sent two stories since i've been out here pukegay and the day of golf I put out some footage from apart from that I've not had my phone but I didn't want to have my phone between 9 and 6 so it

I leave it in the room we go about a daily a daily graft and then I so that's why at 6 o'clock I don't text you I told you

there's nothing to worry about and I I'd re-put my phone back I was concerned about a friend no no can I say by the way

yeah okay can I say I actually felt it was the only it was the only time anyone for a long time being worried about me and actually felt really it made me feel valued and loved

and I needed some of that in my life My only concern with that is that you're going to start sort of simulating that so that you can get a text from me that's what now what my concern is No no no I'll be thirsty as fuck come

I'm going to start getting it starts saying it's scrap stories going just need some time to myself logging off having a coal there's too many people on here all right so break down poo

for us so literally we get to the pool sort of been Tuesday morning and we were informed that literally friends of ours

and some people we knew over to rise we're all sort of I'd been in the pool I just could make me look at we haven't been to the side that the poo was in I'd had a little dip

a lot of people got away because of laxative gate, a lot of people thought that maybe that was, it was me who'd done the poo. I can assure you it wasn't. Weird and chatting, and then there was a massive furor. I've never seen anything like it. Like, people being, like, one of the waiters was shouting at kids to get out of,

but me I've seen in Jaws where your man running into the sea saying everyone to get out of the sea. It was like that. All in between is doing very well, actually. Yeah. Get out of the water. Get out of the water. And he was shouting there is a pool. Someone who's had a pool. And then he'd lost his mind a bit and said, there's a shit, there is a shit in the pool.

And then people are then, you know, mothers are grabbing, you know, the kids, dad's a shout in, like, you know, from the bar for their kids to get out of the pool. I wouldn't have to dip a toe in. And then, yeah, from there, it was, it was, everything went crazy. That was, we were told that it would be. Did you see this shit? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, one of the big things was Grace and our friends, two kids. a lot, long, like, pretty much there was a queue to see the shit. Yeah, I mean, the big fear is that you turn around and see Grace playing with it like a little submarine. No, no, no, lucky enough me, Grace can't dive. So she couldn't get to the depths where the shit was. So it sunk?

Yeah, oh yeah, mate, it was on the bottom. It was a big, mate, it was, someone had squeezed their head to get it out. It hadn't, it wasn't a, it wasn't like a wet fart that had just sort of like, then sort of like swam off into it. the ether. It was, it was, it was a, someone to pull their shorts or, you know, swimming caution down and take, I mean, a lot of speculation here is, has been leveled at one kid.

Because, so, so this is, this is day, this is Tuesday, right? Okay. A lot of, a lot of anger building around about the poo, uh, because then what happens is everyone's like, I mean, you've got kids. Everyone's kind of like, they're like, well, got to close the, uh, pull down for 36 hours to clean it. Which, if I'm going to be very honest, with you, Womash, I was delighted by, I was like, well, that shows they're not just going to pull out the poo, try a little bit more chlorine. No, 36 hours feels like a good, it feels like a good amount of time. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But there's a lot of people who are kicking off about this. And then, so then what happened is that everyone was told to go up to the adult pool, which is a sanctuary for people who have come on holiday without children and sort of like the quietness. That Ramesh was where, you know, the sort of Netflix documentary of this starts because it became almost like a sort of civil war. It was very like, there was parents with kids and I'm going to be quiet.

I met a lot of good people on the show of day. There's a lot of people who tend to just let their kids run riot that don't seem, that just put them in the only little water vests that they float in. They stick one of those on and said, say, right, there we go, see it. See it until eight hours. going to do what you're going to do, like young kids just running around with no parenting. So they were sort of

leaping in the pool, shout and screaming and then a array of complaints arguments started between parents. The poor bar staff of the hotel would get absolutely smashed a bit. I mean, you know, I love children as you know Tom, but I imagine if you're in the

adults only pool and then suddenly you sort of look across and see like a series of sort of raptors. a load of kids and their parents come running over to your sanctuary. I sort of do, I do see it from there. Well, it was a little bit like Lord of Rings. You know when the orcs come over the hill. Because you have to go over a sort of small hill.

Like you're basically coming up hills and then when one family and then before you know it, 25 families are sort of. And also then what happens is there's not enough sun lounges. So people bring on up sun lounges. Then you've got a really overcrowded pool. Kind of. Absolutely car. We made the executive decision at this point, by the way, to go somewhere else.

We were like that we could just do something else today. Today doesn't feel like a pool day. Grace threw some accusations around about who the poor could be in the very limited sort of basis of names that she knew. Yeah. Yeah. So what did she say, Dad? Is it Dad?

Lucky enough you can say Dad. Lucky enough you can say Dad, which was quite good because she's quite a convincing. story teller at the moment. That's sort of quite proud of her. She's sort of leveling at my friend Tom. Where do you think she gets that from,

the sort of the talent to sort of a weaver tale of complete bullshit? Well, Kaffin hates it, as you can imagine. Right. She said she lived in the two of the same people now. Anyhow. So there was a cat called Tom

and he wasn't sure if he was happy with life. He wandered past a tree. The tree said, oh, hello there, Tom. And the cat said, oh, anyway, I can't do the rest of it. You get the idea of the bit. I thought that was just starting to build. It's quite beautiful.

So, yeah, so anyhow, 36 hours passed. By this time, every time we go through reception, you're hearing either parents of angry children have got nothing to do complaining or couples who had their romantic getaway ruined. So it was very, tension in the hotel was starting to run quite high, right? Yeah, yeah. The next afternoon, after, you know, 36 hours of, you know, late, mid-afternoon,

we are told we can, kids can go back in the other pool. This, Ramesh, lasts a matter of minutes before another Pursa found. Oh, my God. It's... Oh, my God. insane we actually weren't at the hotel at this point a friend of ours shout out amy had text us to say you're never going to guess what

the poo the pool the pool's being reshut down there's another poo there's another poo right yeah we but the next day obviously that's another 36 hours so the next day we're looking at 70 hours of no pole now yeah and you're also looking at a hotel that is quavering on the brink

of a complete of complete social unrest. This is where society falls down. Yeah. I have to say at this point, the kids club

coming to their own, that's now oversubscribed. The poor people running that are, yeah, it's, it's for keeping.

There is nothing, there is nothing angrier bar some people outside some hotels recently in the UK than a group of people whose holiday is under general.

That's when people, you really see the worst of humanity. Well, what starts happening after sort of 18 hours is that at first, parents are going, I feel really bad about the people who are here on the romantic break. And the people on a romantic break are kind of like, oh, yeah, I feel bad because the families have can't use the family pool. After 18 hours, that all goes. People are like, well, fuck them, we don't care, mate. We don't, we're on a day.

We should be able to use a pool. And the other people are like, well, we should be able to use a pool. the other people are like, well, we use this pool, this is our poor, it's the adults only, it says the sign, well, where we met a fucking swim mate, where we're the kid, what the kid's meant to do, just fucking sit in their room.

Interesting, interesting choice of accents there, Tom. You've decided to depict the people with children as very much working class, and then the people without, you're sort of given a kind of slight posh position. Well, this is one very specific conversation I sat and listened to.

So this is not representative of the groups? No, no, no, no, there's some very posh people with kids. Absolutely. Posh people do reproduce, don't they? And some... Yeah, I may I say quite a lot. The people that have reproduced in my experience here have been the people who have just let their kids wander off into the ether. Wow. Okay.

In my experience. Yes. So that now we're dealing with a real anger surfacing throughout the hotel. The staff here, incredible, there's nothing they could do. Like, if I'm honest with, I think you'd have been proud of me in this situation. wrong, I like to think you would have, even Catherine comment it, I kept a very level head and every time someone's like shouting at me about or talking to me about it, which would happen whenever you talk to anyone, I was like, surely you've got, that you have to be quite

happy that the fact is that someone's, there's feces, human fecese in Nepal on two occasions and they've, they've not, they have, it feels like there's a decent level of cleanliness here. My worry would have been if they just let you back in and just go and that's fine. Yeah, they said, give us 20 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to get the old net out, whip this poo out, give a little one side with some fairy liquid and then we're good to go. Yeah, I mean, I will say them getting, there was a lot of, you know,

there was a bit of video footage of the guy getting the both poos out with this big net. Anyhow, now everyone's trying to book other stuff to do so it. I'm imagining it, I imagine it like it's like a fire festival now. Yeah. People are just beating the shat at each other. You know what? I've been searching for something to do. compared us to and you've just fucking nailed it. People are looking

for anything else to do any other any other activities getting booked up. Fortunately for us we were yeah with Grace Grace isn't you know when one day we went shopping which was rather spending on my point of how to keep her

a mused in an electric car for they've got cars out of the kids drive that she loves so she spent two hours and that while Catherine went shopping which was rather, yeah but I'm like that do you know what I'm going to say by the way

I notice my mental health difference without having the phone I'm just going to like I thought like I'll get Grace off the tablet and I've had quite a few people message really about Tablet Gate and we spoke about it last week Oh that tablet gate has been an absolute

disaster for the emails but anyway carry on. Can I just yeah and look I realize because I'm not going to bullshit Grace has still used the tablet she still used a phone at restaurants when we did it. That's fine, that's fine.

Don't start getting defensive now. No, no, no. But I'll say even my head has felt clearer. I feel better. I feel more like the person I think I want to be without having my phone glued to my hand and not looking at it. Really good.

Anyhow. So after this, another 36 hours, it was now done essentially almost half the holiday without a pull. Pools back and then another rumor starts spreading around. Like at breakfast, There's an air of calm that sets in that people are like, oh, the kids pulls back.

By the way, I will say there was a lot of accusations thrown to one boy in particular about him being the shitter. Okay. Not by myself. And at this point now, it's happened twice now. There's one or two things that happen there. One, the boy has, or the girl,

has some sort of condition where when they're submerged in water, they feel like they have to poo, which I imagine is a nice. nightmare for bath time. Yeah. Or the other option is this person is doing it maliciously. I think, which is a possibility. I think it's been an option too.

I think it's a kid that's been who's crying out for attention because his parents aren't giving him, any. Right. There's a little boy here. What evidence have you got to base that on? Well, there's a lot to be said about, you know, timings of who was in the, the second poo came at a time when there was not a lot of kids down by the pool. Yeah, well, that's, I mean, if anything, that's commendable, isn't it?

I mean, you don't want that in front of people. If you're going to sabotage a pool with the poo, at least have the decency to do it privately before the pool gets too busy, right? Well, it was also, it was quite early, so he was spotted down there, and his name had already been soiled and muddied through Poo Gate 1. As had his shorts. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm guessing what he'd probably done is pulled the back of his shorts down and just let the poo out.

Okay, fine. yeah i'm guessing just looking at it and i looked here three times as something of the poo expert i was pulled in um yeah absolutely yeah i mean i'm assuming that's why your friend amy text you we just like we need we need our forensic scientists of shit to come over and have a look at what's going on down yeah i straight away left the uh left the game of paddler i was playing yeah like ironside or one of those really hacky sort of was the other one quincy and ran across town from the white coat mr davis mr davis has been another excrement please sorry sorry barry i'm going to have to cut this game of paddle short why there's

been another shit hustling across town people are mr davis mr davis honey honey yeah i don't think you need a tom sorry mr davis i don't think you need monocle? No, trust me, I'll do. I'm a cat. I just want to see how the light is striking this thing because it'll give me an idea of the density. The new Mitsubishi Outlander brings out another side of you.

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which has become one of the holiday staples of the most enjoyable bit. Give me a little burst of it. How'd you do it? I'm sorry, I want people to like me. I actually knew that's better than what I was in. I can't even consistently do it. I played you or one of you doing that voice. probably 30 times for grace. She was crying with laughter. And then she kept on going,

that's daddy. Even without, yeah, I was like, okay, cool, this is, this is nice. Even without, even without the intro to the impression, she knew it was you.

She could feel your energy. Yeah. Anyway, no. Is that, is that you being, is, is Uncle Ramesh doing you being thirsty,

Daddy? Yeah. Is this about, is this about your lift selfies, Daddy? You keep making us. Is this about you just being desperate for some sort of appreciation and appraisal

and positive feedback? Because I do love you. I know you keep asking me, but I do. Yeah, that's what it's all about. I just want to feel like there's a little bit of support and love in the family. And I'd love if the accusations

about me taking a poo in the pool would stop now, please. Anyhow, Pooh 3, it is uproar now. People are saying they're going to leave. There's people talking about leaving a hotel, there's people looking for other hotels, people are trying to book fillers.

How definite are you about which kid it is? I'm pretty definite, but then also I didn't get too involved in telling other people that I thought it was this kid. No, you didn't become one of the town gossips. No, no, no, no. I sort of told a couple of people that I know our gossips

and let them sort of feel the information through. Yeah. Yeah, and you stuck it up on Instagram so that it became sort of a publicly known thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I obviously didn't say about it. Anyhow. But people genuinely looking for villas.

People are starting to this. There's a real uproar in this place. And then Poo Three is found out to be a stone that someone has thrown in to the pool, and it's a false alarm. Right. So people go back in the pool. And before you know it,

almost instantaneously order is restored it's all you know like a disaster or like a big superhero movie when a superhero saves the day and all of a sudden just Gotham is back to normal there's a matter that Bain has kicked shit out of it

and they have to rebuild like everyone's back and everyone feels yeah breakfast's nice again people are civil again but it just shows you it showed me a little look inside society it just takes one thing we're all we're all

a pooing a pool away from fucking civil unrest absolutely yeah and you can be here in the most lovely surroundings yeah I do think there is nothing sort of more unappealing than somebody sort of angrily demanding that their holiday gets saved do you know I mean it's like

we come on holiday we just want a nice holiday yeah but people like people get so so angry yeah do you know by the way what you realise is different accents bring different, like some accents, you hear the rage in them. Yeah.

And it's literally quite terrifying. Yeah. And some, you hear people quite angry and you're trying to work out if they're angry or not or if they're still, if they're okay. Well, look, with apologies to anybody that sort of doesn't like kind of are a scatological chat, I do want to talk a little bit about toilets, if I could, just off the back of what you're saying. I've got three things to report, Tom. Well, I think, can I just say, I've enjoyed my holiday, I've enjoyed being on social media.

There has been one thing since our last podcast that has not just sat with me on the basis that it's something I've thought a lot about. It's also, you know, there's a number of people who are at this hotel who listen to the podcast or watched the clip that we put out or also listen to apparently parent in hell as well. Yeah. So I didn't realize that the subject had been covered. quite in detail. I didn't realize that I didn't remember. Rob has been talking about it a lot more than we have actually. Yeah, yeah.

So I have been questioned about this, the lunch day and subsequently the interaction between the Ranganathans and the Beckett's across social media and like I'm like, I don't know, Sue Barker or Wimbledon about to sort of like commentate on the whole thing. So without any further ado, do you want to go into Beckett versus Rangan Yeah, okay, we'll do with Beckett. We'll do a... Not Beckett versus Ranganathan, but the Beckett's and the Ranganathans, yeah.

So, well, we had a lovely time. That's all there is to report, really. Rob and his family arrived. Were you there at a hotel for Interpretan? No. Actually, I do want to give a shout to, actually, because the day that the Beckett's arrived was the day that Theo got his GCC results.

And so Rob said to me, will let you either commiserate or congratulate. How do you get on by the way? Well, without going into details, he did great. Like, we're so proud. Basically, he was getting the email for the GCSE results. And Lisa and I said, we said to him the day before, you tell us when you're ready, you know,

because he wasn't, he was a bit, obviously, very nervous about it. And so we said, when you get the email, we're not going to ask you what you result. were. So you can deal with the information however you want. You and these are incredible parents. Well, no. Well, no. It's just like you're just trying to make it easy. Also shout out, Theo,

because it's hard to think of Theo being nervous because he's so naturally cool. I know. He's a cool kid. So it's, yeah. It is unusual to see him sort of showing a, yeah, it is. He's quite, he's quite a, he's not, I was about to say to his closed book. He's not a close book.

What he is is kind of, unflappable is how I describe him. general terms. You know what? He'd have been great during Poolgate, Paul Gate. He'd have kept a level head. Oh, he'd have been amazing.

I could imagine Charlie and Alex would have been very much like Grace, the pull out of bounds. I think he would have gone as far as to say, do you know what, I'm going to make the kid feel better if this is a problem and he would just pull his shorts down

and curl one out himself and go, look, we're all doing it. You know, let's not target one person. Yeah. Anyway, so happily, seconds after we received the email, he ran into the room where we were in and just started to show,

and I've done it, I've done it, I've done it, look, and read out his grades, he's very, very happy. So that was good. So we spent the day sort of, what I said? I was about, I made it out of, we had a big party. We didn't, but it's just celebrations, right? Yeah. The next day, we met the, we met the Beckett's for lunch.

At the hotel, or did you go to the outside? At the hotel, at the hotel. At the hotel, went for lunch at the hotel. Very nice time, really, really nice time. And it's very clear what the, what the stipulations were. We were to meet for lunch, and then we were to go our separate ways. What I would say is there's a lot of people, a few people there that do listen to the wolf for now. And similarly, I was getting some speculation or questions about whether I'd seen

Rob, whether, how much time we're spending together, et cetera, et cetera. Because by all accounts, Beckett had also laid out the same roadbath of how they go down as we had. What, that I'd be, that I was going to be, yeah, well, look, I actually got, so I got a text message from Josh when they were talking about them. parenting hell. And Josh said, I got a voice note for him saying, Robbish. Rob believes, Rob's, Rob believes, when he turns up, and I quote, you're going to be all over him. You're going to be desperate for a bit of Beckett.

Can you comment? So that, Rob very much believed that I was going to be thirsty for him to turn up. So, but we decided that we'd made the decision we were not going to blend our holidays, right? That was, that was decision. You know, we've just done. six episodes of Rob a Rommish versus we do not need to now a holiday together. The new series coming soon. Yeah.

Anyway, so we had lunch together and then we made arrangements to watch the Arsenal Leeds game together. Yeah. So the next evening. So the next day I went out and so Rob's kids

are really into Labuboos. Are you aware of Labubis? Of Labubis coming to Grace's life? Yeah, not yet, no. But yeah, but yeah, friends about us. It's been something. So anyway, Lisa and I and the kids, we got a car and we sort of had a little drive around Miyorka.

And one of the places that we stopped off in, they had like these knockoff luboos. So I bought a couple for Rob and Loo's girls. So I got a couple of laboos. It's just a sort of, you know, not in a thirsty way, just sort of. No, that's a beautiful gift. A nice little gift.

So we turn up at the Arsenal game. which they were shown, and presented the Labibos. Anyway, they couldn't have been more fake. They were completely different to what was on the box. They were barely the boo-boos, I'd say. Oh, wow.

And what I present. So that was, it took the gloss off the presentation a little bit. I'm not going to lie to it. I mean, they're very grateful, but you're sort of... For some reason, the vision I have of you, you know the moment in Meet the Parents

when Ben Stiller goes out and finds the cat that's gone missing, and he comes walking back across the lawn, and he's got the cat, and he's really proud. Yeah, that is a bit like what I was doing. And then they find out that the tail's been spray painted on the Labubo. Yeah.

Yeah, that's basically, that is basically what's sort of what happened. The Beckett girls are staring across at you and you look in and go, oh my God, Uncle Ramesh. And you go ahead and go, does someone like Labubis? There's someone like Labibos. Yeah, we love Labubos, but these aren't fucking them, you silly old twat. And Dad said that you weren't going to fucking ruin our holiday But your dad said this is your favourite thing

Your actual luboos You sad prick Friends of ours are in Portugal And someone's shat in the pool And they can't be here And you've shat on our holiday You've shat on our holiday on Karan with these fake labuboos Do you think

Did you think our dad couldn't afford the booboos He hosts parenting hell the part owns the boo-boo it's bigger than the dog and bird anyway so presenting them with that and then we again went our separate ways now the embarrassing part of the trip for me personally what a result for Arsenal as well

what a beautiful thing great and the next day it turned out the weird coincidentally both booked to do an hour's jet skiing at the same time No, not at the same time, thank God.

Not thank God, you know what I mean, though? That would have been awkward, isn't it? Sorry, and I've called every day. Is today the day the Becketts are going jet ski? Well, quick, quick one. Just want to make sure that I don't impinge on your holiday too much. It is 1pm you've put the jet skis for, because that's, is that right? I called all the places on the island.

And a little bit, I don't know, sort of mixed news. They said that I can just jump on the back of yours. if that's okay. Please don't know Uncle Robin's speedos be on the same jet ski as me. Anyway, we went on just after them, right? So we were walking down to where you jump onto jet skis as they were sort of like, they just finished.

And Rob and Lou were like very, very excited. They were basically, Robin Lou and the girls were very excited to sort of tell us about how much fun the jet skis were. and they sort of said it gave us a full report it's really good you know it's really like you're going to have a great time I did say I did sort of flag at that time

that I thought my experience is going to be different just based on the sort of person I am do you mean like Lou was sort of saying that she'd been top line in the jet ski and I couldn't see that in my future anyway so Rob's and I think Rob sniffed a bit of this because he said to me

can you just let us know how it goes after us because we'd love to hear how your jet ski experience went sort of disguising it as a genuine wants to know if we had a good time but actually what I know is he knows that I'm going to be an absolute fucking swamination. You're not going to be very good at it. Yeah. So we go over to the jet skis

Lisa's riding with Alex on the back. I'm riding with Charlie in the back. Theo's decided to stay at the beach and just chill out, right? Get some drinks and have a bed time. He's now fucking, he's a member. Yeah, he's a different guy. He's not really a member of the family. He just happens to be with us, but he's not, you know. That guy's having his own hotel. If anything, there's a chance that Theo

you might come back and Theo's actually spending the rest of his holiday with the Becketts. Yeah, there's a strong part of me that expected him to be sort of chatting to some like other people and going, I've got four losers that are fucking heading on their way back soon, but I've got to look after for the rest of the trip. Anyway, the best way I can describe the jet ski experience

is sort of, for the entire duration that was on the jet ski, Charlie sort of tapping me and going, and you can go faster if you want, Dad. Oh, no, really? Seeing Alex and Lisa absolutely cream it around. Well, I mean, Lisa found it nerve-wracking for the first five minutes, and then she was into it.

I, on the other hand, well, you know, to be clear, there were times where the guy guiding us had to slow down in order to let me catch up. Oh, my God, you're joking. And then at one point, Charlie said, you can go faster, and I went, yeah, but I'm just, I just don't want you to fall off, Charlie. That's the thing, it's another consideration, isn't it,

when you've got one of your kids on the back and you don't want to fall off? And he goes, I'm holding on really tight, though, Dad. Like, really tight. And I'm like, yeah, okay, but I'd hate for you to go off the back. I think it's fine, Dad. Like, it's really stable. If anything, I'd be happy to go off the back

and get on that other guy, those other people. To be honest, really, Dad, it's getting to the point where I'd rather swim into the harbour than be on the back of this jet ski that you sort of, they're sort of driving the speed of a milk float. You follow, you follow the gentleman around. You are. sort of, so the guy takes you out. It's very quick like, this is how you go forward,

this how you go backwards, don't go too fast when there's other boats about. That's, that's the gist of the safety briefing. And then he says, I'm going to take you round. But he's being, you're being led by him, but he's being led by you as in terms of like, if you want to go super fast, they'll let you do that. Because there's no, there's no speed that you're going to go out that he's going to get nervous about. So he's like, do what you want. It was difficult for the guy to make eye contact with me when we got back. Oh, man. Oh, Jesus. You know, that's, that is what I would say, is the guy,

um, he sort of looked at me as if to say, was there really a point in this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the whole thing about jet skis is having a bit of a thrill. It's not just having a nice little peruse around and doing a bit of sight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like Miss Marple, so I think. At one point, um, I said, there's one bit where we got a bit of air and Charlie went, no, he didn't. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Hey, so what did you want to talk about? Well, I want to tell you about Wagovi. Wagovi? Yeah, Wagovi. What about it? On second thought, I might not be the right person to tell you.

Oh, you're not? No, just ask your doctor. About Wagovi. Yeah, ask for it by name. Okay. So, why did you bring me to the circus? Oh, I'm really into lion tamers. You know, with the chance.

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It's full of real flavors you'll keep coming back for. Made just for you at Starbucks. So hold up when you saw the... So anyway... You saw the Beckett's after this. Well, we didn't go to see them. I just sort of Rob wanted a detail. description of what happened, so I just

explained. I was very honest, I said to him. Yeah. Because, you know, Lou and I think Rob wasn't as good as Lou because Rob said that after five minutes he was thinking about just knocking on the head who's finding it a bit frustrating. But Lou was like hitting top speed on it. I was nowhere near top speed.

Yeah, yeah, but sounds like he said to can you be safe around the boats? And I took that to be the speed that I did the entire thing. And even there weren't any, but yeah, I was, it was bad. It was sad. It was sad. It was really sad times. Anyway, we got back, and then that was it. That was all we saw of the Beckett's.

That was it. That was the end of our trip together. Yeah, we managed to keep it pretty, like, condensed. You see them around the pool sort of thing and sort of, you know, it's wave? We didn't actually end up at the same pool. So we were sort of different pools. And that's another sad story that I've got to report, actually, is that we played a, this is a really sad thing to say, actually. Regular listeners of the podcast will know about Rangable, the game that we play as a family in the pool. Let's just say that we played three games of it during the course of the holiday

and that it got pretty heated with regards to rules and whether a point was scored or not, et cetera, et cetera, to the point where actually the Swan during the third game declared that we were no longer allowed to play Rangable. Because we had She felt that we brought the family To such disrepute Wow People had There's a couple of people

One family stopped to watch Because it had got so social heated Well no Not in a quality of the sport thing I said what the fucking What the fucking Jeremy Carl is going on over here Oh shit Do you know

I mean it was it got really like So how are the teams now How are you doing the teams Because obviously Charlie's that bit older Well Lisa declared herself out of the game So she didn't watch she didn't want to play. She had books to read, etc. And I respect that. It's her holiday too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Demand that she gets involved in Rangible. So it was my, the team's mixed up, but it was, we switched it around. But most of the time, it was me and Alex versus Theo and Charlie. Wow. Okay.

And it got to the point where we decided that we tried, we trialed a non-contact version of the sport because it was starting to get a little bit physical. And even that did. You feel? Theo, stop, Theo, stop nugging me. Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,

Stop crying, yeah? Yeah. Chill, Dad, all right, chill. Right, Dad, go to sleep. Go to sleep. Dad, go back to your room, mate. Go back to your room, yeah? You're embarrassing yourself.

No, but I'm just trying. Oh, fuck off! I'm going on. Rangor Pondon. Rangipal's a lot of fun for the whole family. Yeah, but we just, we think it's better. But isn't it unfair team? We're one version...

Yeah, we actually prefer that, actually. Yeah, you know what? Mom can join us, Dad. Let mum jump in. Oh, sure the bities don't love me. Neither do the rain their mouth on. She wants to read her book.

Yeah, actually, Dave, we think it's more fun if she's just stood at the side of the pool reading her book and as part of the team than you being involved, so. Hey, Rob, Rob, Ron Barley. Just go back to her in town, yeah. So, yeah, that was it, that's the end of Rangabour, man. Oh, wow.

Jeez. Yeah, man, it's been a very nice holiday. The sort of last thing I want to talk about the holiday, actually, if you, if you, on two separate occasions, or more than two separate occasions, I have seen men at urinal sort of behaving like they're on their own at home. And I wanted to ask the question Like, are all bets off with regards to what's polite behaviour When you go into a public toilet Well, one of them One of them took a piss like a little cherub in a fountain

Just sort of dropped his shorts down to his ankles What? So great man Yeah, they were sort of round his knees But I guess he wanted sort of freedom and movement And so I sort of was waiting to use a urinal Sort of staring Oh, I wasn't staring, but you couldn't help noticing his bed

fair ass sort of in front of me. Jesus. And then the other thing I know is a lot of men just freely sort of letting rip with a fart as they do the approach walk. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to lie. I've done that. Okay, sure that's happened, right?

Because when you're heading that way, you know, everything's open. Do you know what, your body's moving into that. My issue is, is sort of doing it with such relish. Do you know, there's no... Yeah, I don't know. The first one, the pants around the ankles. I think is slightly strange

but let him rip with a big guff when you're in the toilet I always just think it's like a real that's a good moment okay fine because I'm happy to accept that I might be in a prude as you know I'm a heme schiser

I don't even like to shit in a public toilet so you know the idea of farting to me sort of audibly like if genuinely I'm not just saying this if I was to go into the toilet and a loud fart was to admit for him by accident or something the urinal.

I would come out and I say to Lisa and the kids we've got to go let's pack up like what back to the room no pack up your stuff we're going back to the UK

Well you wouldn't just laugh it off no I'd find it too just too humiliating and embarrassing Really? Yeah it's too much for me man

that kind of stuff I couldn't deal with it there's too much you know I think we need to work on your fight and not you know I don't need to work on it

but you know the thing is I'm embarrassed about it I find the whole thing yeah that will come back to some sort of trauma like you're a kid that pooed in a porn holiday well you know

I have had incidents you know that I've talked about but I mean I just I'm just very I'm very prudish when it comes to it I don't like people to know that I have bodily functions I thought we all know I know I know yeah I know I know look I know but I don't want it to be I just don't want to I don't want people to hear my farts yeah I get that I get it I get you're a private

fart yeah I'm a private Turner he's a private father a father of money and any old music will do or any old music will pull um anyway we had we had a lot of fun there tom sort of doing impressions of each other and ourselves i do want to read out to you um a comment i noticed on one of the wolf and our reviews on spotify uh which i do want to slightly unpack because it's it's sort of very angry and it's very angry about me here is what somebody's said off the back of the... Can you just give me the name

of the reviewer as well? Because I thought... No, I don't want... Because I don't want this person to get into trouble. Okay. Okay, hold up, but is it... Have they given their own name or is it some sort of stupid? Oh, okay. No, they've gone there. Okay. It was good when, as lads do, Wolf does the Owl impression. Fun Pistake.

To disarm the Wolf, Al was so offended that he now does a shit self-deprecating impression to ruin Wolf's impression. He therefore ruins any fun from piss-taking via Wolf, and audiences' appreciation by overpowering Wolf with his extreme impression. Audience thinks what's a twat? He can't take a joke unless

he controls it and the wolf. Only judging is you make money from this shit. Now, the reason I bring this up is obviously it is in that person's right, God given right, to judge the situation as they want, right? But two things.

It's so far from what I thought I was doing that I can't quite believe it. I mean, you're finding this absolutely hilarious. No, but what's hilarious? He's also. that this, this fucking, the narrative that you control, you have to control the joke, that I'm that inept at what I do, that I'm controlled by you.

And not just in the humor side, that you have to, that I'm going, oh, this is humiliating, but I better laugh along. I feel quite sort of offended by this. but also people are allowed their opinions right but the reason I mention it is but first of all I don't think this I've not got an issue with what this person has said

because I do genuinely think like however you feel us how have you feel but it's just it just stuck out to me because it's like such a different interpretation of what I thought was happening and like that happens it does but that's why I think

when you post stuff or you do stuff or you do anything like this you just got to like let go of your desire to control what people think of what you're doing because like that is it's so far away

and you just go okay but that's how it came across that person just a bit into context I did this I did Davina McCall's podcast a month ago which is a very different podcast on this

it's a very it's the other content isn't actually planned it and stuff and it's got questions. Yeah and also she's a but she promotes it and it does well. Yeah. So those are the main difference. Promotes it very well might I say but also it's a really and she's incredible and it's

but it's also the only one I've ever done where I'm probably probably a bit more vulnerable and it wasn't it wasn't you know I had a number of people but one guy in particular really took humbridge to uh whatever to umbridge uh umbrage yeah to keep on uh which is in keeping with his comment going um Actually, Tom seems quite an intelligent and deep guy on this podcast.

Why does he insist on playing a character on his own podcast where he's just fucking thick and stupid? And sometimes he'd write where he's just a thick. And you're just like, number one, there are two very, very different podcasts. One, you know, you know, you've been showing quite a fight, which I think I do on this podcast when that is called into, you know, This is genuine, like this is our friendship. We're having a laugh and a joke. It is, not everyone's going to enjoy it. This is what it is.

Can I just take this opportunity to say, in your defence, to be absolutely clear, Tommy's not pretending to be a thick. Hey, yeah, yeah, you're controlling me here. Right, listen, I think we've got to wrap up here, because you're on holiday and I've got to go and head off to League of their own.

But there's one thing I do want to say is I think I'm just calling it now. Part of the next episode we need to address this screen time thing because we've got loads of emails

in about it and let's talk about it on the next episode but I do want to come back to a lot of DMs about it quite angry ones actually. Yeah, I mean some of them were sort of one of them

we got one email that's very angry with me but a lot of emails that are very, sort of angry with the original email. But anyway, there's a lot to... So the person from the original email has reached out to me and has been very, they're very sweet. There's a nice person. I mean, mate, I thought they were sweet in the initial email.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't think they meant to cause it anyway. Anyhow. Anyhow. Right. Tomo, could you do us the honours of taking us out, please? Sweet time, street rides, sweet things. Yeah. There's nothing like...

laying next to a poor post-cleanniness through shit gate. And the sun gleams off it, sound of kids laughing, parents chattering away. Mellow, man, mellow. But yeah, also kind of raucous, but in the best possible way. There's nothing like that first bite of ice cream. Hold tight friend. There's nothing like that last taste of ice cream on a holiday. truth about holidays and moments is 10 days two weeks a week hey a long weekend where you can shift a little

change a little just say for this holiday I might be trying to be someone new break old habits bringing some new something a little different self-nourishing always easy to keep going almost impossible but I guess that's what it is trying to find those little windows in life where you can actually maybe change, be a little bit better, be a little bit more present. But more than that, saver. Make sure when you're away and you have those little times as a family, as a couple, even if you're out with your dog or whatever, even if you're just out with friends, you make sure to click a button in your head that's not on a phone or a device and you store a memory. Because some part point of this year, it might be a bit of a low point.

Ray might be howling in, or he might be down on your arches or haunches, that's what I was going to say. And you might be feeling a bit low, and you'll be seeking for something. And actually, maybe don't reach for the phone. Maybe just sit there, think in your head about the time that Rob Beckett and Lou and their girls came walking up a hill, and you were going down to some jet skis excited. All the time, your kid ran over and mint chock chip ice cream for the first time. I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is this.

Look for the special little moments every day because they're always there, not just on holidays, and saving them, enjoying and keep them in a little joy in your head for the moments that life isn't so easy. Love you guys. Really, really nice. Thank you. Thank you so much, Tom, for that wonderful, wonderful closing thought.

And Tom, can I take this opportunity to say, I hope you have the lovely sort of last little section of your holiday. Look forward to having you back, as does the rest of the UK. You know, they've got some protests we needed to join in with. I'm straight back, mate. I'm straight back, straight over to effing. Let's play ourselves out for a little bit of Tina Turner, private dancer. Thank you so much for listening to this more relaxed edition of the Wolfenau.

We'll see you next time. Take care of ourselves. Stay well, friends. Stay well. Bye-bye. do. I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money, and any old music will do. I'm your private dancer, dancer for money, do what you will me to do. Just a private dancer, a dancer for money, and any old music will do. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all,

please email us at wolf-alpod at gmail.com. That's wolf-alpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you. How do you know if you're worrying too much? How can you mend a broken heart? Does peaking at school ruin you for life? I'm Susie Ruffel, a stand-up comedian.

and someone who has always experienced anxiety. And I've written a book. Am I Having Fun Now? Considering some of life's big questions. Featuring bonus insights from the likes of Charlene Douglas, Sarah Pascoe, Elizabeth Day and Dolly Auditon. Am I Having Fun Now? Is out now in hardback, ebook and audio.