Wolf and Owl - S4 Ep 43: Live at London’s Hackney Empire

Episode Date: October 31, 2025

While the Wolf & Owl prepare to wrap their first-ever live tour, here’s some of the best bits from our two shows at London’s Hackney Empire! There’s chat about Tom’s plans to reunite David and Brooklyn Beckham, Rom’s problems with buying football boots for his son, a very special story about a hero who raced to the rescue at a National Trust cafe and some on-stage samosa mayhem too. Thanks to everyone who came to all the shows so far - we love you! Recorded on 7 & 8 October 2025 For questions or comments, please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Instagram - @wolfowlpod TikTok - @wolfowlpodcast YouTube - www.youtube.com/WolfandOwlPodcast Merch & Mailing List - https://wolfandowlpod.com A Mighty Ranga Production For sales and sponsorship enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yo, what do you want, beak or jaws, feathers or fur, sharp teeth or feet with claws, whatever's preferred, they'll grant you all last request to steady your nerves, then podcast the body parts get severed and served. Bring your weak shit, where the wall finale, that ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler. Both of them are known to pull up at your shows, have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows. Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing. They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothes.

Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All your hear's a huffer puff and a... Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing its head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in his song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog.

Hack me! Are you ready? Animal pack makes a nose for the wolf. HANELOW! Hello! Thank you so much for coming. Hello Hackney, thank you so much for coming to the wall for now. We really appreciate you coming and all that shit. You know, pleasant trees.

Who's heard the podcast before? Has anybody not heard the podcast? You're going to have a fucking dreadful time. It is shit. But in all seriousness, thank you so much for coming. I hope you have a great time. Basically, I'll explain how the show works. We're not going to be stood for the whole time.

But essentially, first half is just us sort of chatting shit and then second half we'll get into some emails. That's basically it. If anyone's got any questions, feel free to let us know. we'd love to hear from, pardon? If you've got one now, I'd love to hear it. Come on Billy, big bollocks. Let's see what you've got. What's your question?

How many trainers have I got? What do you say? I don't know. How do you find yourself? How much in my trainers cost? Oh, right. Oh. We're hoping for sort of better stuff than that. Like, just stuff we can.

Sort of questions with the audience that just the answer is a number. It's not amazing in terms of springboarding off of that, but 275, so not in your, not really in your will house by the sounds here. I'm just laughing because such a . That was such a horrible thing to say. What size are you? Like, shoe size. I don't mean...

I'm not talking about girth. Like, what shoe size are you? Nine. Nine? Oh, too big. I was going to do a big moment where I handed them over to you, but... Awkward now.

It's really awkward. It's sort of like a strange start. Yeah. Anyway, should we sit down? So I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for coming. Okay. Great.

Tom mentioned something to me just before we came on. I don't know, I don't really know anything about this. So I'd love you to, and I don't know how many in the crowd didn't know anything about this. So I'd love you to explain it to us, Tom. So we were just chatting as we do just before, and we never planned any of this. And I was just sort of saying what I've been up to today.

I've, number one, I'm worried I'm becoming a hermit. You're becoming a hermit? Yeah, I don't go out. That's good news for the country. Yeah. I'm going to do the shows from home. But I've become obsessed with trying to solve one of the world's biggest problems in the relationship of Brooklyn and David Beckham.

Right. So sort me through it because I didn't actually know they were having beef. Well, Brooklyn is the oldest of the... First of all, sorry to interrupt, Tom. I know that's your habit. But who here knows about the Brooklyn David thing? Okay, a few people are. A lot of people.

So you know what a problem that we found ourselves in. Culturally, so Brooklyn or Buster, as his dad used to call him, is the oldest of the... Is that true? Yeah, yeah. He's the oldest. Just give him a proper name in the fucking first place. They're having to come with a nickname, says Ramesh, aka Jonathan. They were close, thick of thieves, very close. Well, yeah, father and son, not they?

Yeah, best friends as well. And then out of nowhere, Brooklyn gets... married, they start, they fall apart at the seams. Yeah. Was it a whirlwind romance? Between David and his son? Yeah. Like how long were they banging for?

No, between Brooklyn and his... Brooklyn, I think it was a sort of a little romance that went on and they became married. They became married. I've heard it described in many ways. Became married. That's a new thing. There's the first time I've heard that. Yeah, I say it all the time.

They evolved married. Anyway. And from the married, after the wedding, it really took quite a bad turn. She's from old American money. So she's more successful than the Beckham's, and she didn't want to.

I think she found them quite tacky. I don't know how. How do you know that? What's your research? I've been reading a lot online, and some of it is also speculation that I've just sort of developed myself. So a lot of this you're filling in yourself.

Yeah. Anyway, this has been playing on my mind a bit, so I set a little bit of time aside today to sort of think how I could help. But what is the... But I understand where from Brooklyn's wife's side, she thinks they're a bit tacky. Why does that lead to David and Brooklyn falling apart?

This is what I want to get to the bottom of. This is why... So it feels like you haven't done the call research, if you don't mind me saying. There's a lot of silence around this. It's very much being held within the beck. camp but if you look at any of the sort of footage Brooklyn's not around at the moment oh god I'm getting emotional so are you okay to carry on yeah I mean

look you're a mathematician no I'm an X math stage you're not the same so I started saying you were a scaffold a tition you did it for a bit in my dreams I was a labor titian yeah I so I was like look how could I get an equation where I could save these two and I think I've come up with a plan okay let's hear So, okay, firstly, I'd need to take a year off of the podcast and all my other obligations. I'm in. I'd have to turn around to Catherine and Grace and say, look, it's going to be a bit. So you're going to do that? I thought you were just trying to come on the jet. I have to be involved in this plan. I don't think anyone's can pull it off. It's in, I've got to go deep cover. So I fly out to New York. That's where Brooklyn lives. And also it's where Brooklyn is. And also it's where Brooklyn is.

So I fly out to New York. Now, Brooklyn's got all these sauces and stuff he does. You're talking about the person now? Yeah, Brooklyn, the person. So I'm going to get a little stall at, like, one of those cool farmers markets selling, like, chutneys and condiments.

So he does sauce. He does stalls, but also he's always hanging around, like, being cool at these things. Have you tried the sauce? His source, I haven't tried yet. Okay, this feels like you're not really putting the work in. You've got to get shipped over from America, as far as I'm aware.

Okay, fine. Unless I think food farms What's the source called? Brooklyn sauce. So you don't know what it's called but you know it has a big problem here So I can't be thinking about a small deer house For me it's about a father and son

I'm talking Sorry sorry sorry so I'm at the farmer's markets I start getting a reputation for having amazing chutney How long do you think this will take? Probably that's going to take me at least three months Step one you've got to learn how to make chutney I mean I say that's quite a big step of it I'm going to start from now doing that

And then January I'm going to go out So step one in you bringing David and Brooklyn Beckham back together is you're going to start learning how to make chutney. Yep. It's not the maddest thing you've said. But anyway, so what chutney is you thinking? I'm going to go, firstly, I'm going to go, obviously, mango.

It has to be mango chutney. But then I'm going to go a little overshin vibe. You know, so funny is the podcast nerds going, that's the call back to. They actually discuss chutney and hopefully they'll mention ketchup in a bit. A tomato chutney. I do an array of, I'll put a special chutney of the week on. Chutney is a week.

I think once you can make one chutney, you can make them all. That's why I see chutneys. That is fun, I mean that can't be true. Of course it is. Of course it is. So if you can make a mango chutney, you can make squirrel chutney? If anyone, yeah, I think so. I mean, squirrels are harder to catch the mangoes, but... I don't know, it's a harder sale. Anyway, I'm now in New York, right? So you've learned to make the chutney? I've got the chutney.

What's the name of the chutney company? Because you need to come up with a cool name. Big T's chutneys. Big T's chutneys. Can I be honest with you? You opened by saying you've thought a lot about this. As I've asked you further questions, it's clear you've not thought about it at all.

Right, I'll tell you what, I'll take a name. Give me a name in the audience of... Huh? Hannah. Hannah. I didn't mean your name. I think... Hannah, Hannah, I think what Tom meant was,

give me a name for the chutney. John! Billy! Claire! Could I get some of that? What's that called? It's called Hannah. Hannah Chutney? No, not Hannah Chutney. She didn't say that. She's in Hannah. Okay. Thank you, Hannah, for your... So I'm going to go with Hannah, because I actually quite like it. It's cool, it's edgy.

Pardon? It's a palindrome. I mean, I'm coming to terms of what Hannah rip means. Backwards and forwards. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm not convinced you know what a palindrome is even after the explanation.

It's the same thing. You read it back to front and it's the same name, right? Thank you. What a fucking low bar we have said that Tom understood what a palindrome was after having it explained. and some people in the crowd applauded. I'll take that as a win. Okay.

So the chutney's called Hannah. I think we take the name. Hannah. Not Hannah chutneys, it's just Hannah. Okay. And would you call it, what would you call it? What type of Hannah do you want today? Yeah.

Okay. What type of Hannah you're after? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a nice squirrel Hannah. Yeah. Anyhow. Mango Hannah. I've become quite a big character.

You could combine that, sorry, sir. Yeah, yeah, go through it. You could combine Hannah with the name somehow, do you know what do I mean? What do you mean? like I don't know what I mean actually I've got myself ironically I've got myself into a bit of a pickle

well we could do pickles as well could do pickles as well what should we call them Dan no you can't have Hannah up against Dan it's gotta be yeah Hannah and Martins Hannah Martins

Hannah Martin yeah is Hannah Martin a person is Hannah Martin a person I reckon it's not the most unusual pair of names we've ever heard There's no fucking way Hannah Martin can be a person Anyway, go on

So I'll get my Hannah's out Sorry to interrupt My Hannah's are out there And my Hannah's become quite popular around people around Everybody's dying for a bit of Hannah Brooklyn is lurking about He's a bit sad because he hasn't spoke to his dad

Is he sad about it? I think he is, he's got to be So you don't know I'm just sort of trying to total up the things about this story that you've got fuck or clue about I've seen it in his eyes in pictures He hasn't got the same glimmering them

and there's not the same shimmering his eyeballs. So one night, as we're packing away our stalls, I go over to him and say, hey, buddy, you look a bit down. What's going on? And he'll just be like, oh, fucking I was just going through some shit at the moment. I was like, okay, let's go and get a pale ale. We go to the pale ale, we start chatting.

I earn his trust. I become like a big brother to him. A big brother to him? Yeah, this pretty takes me two months. Aren't you like a couple years younger than his dad? How big is this fucking brother? Can I say, I forgot to say, during this, I've also got like a cool wig and I can't look like me so I've got like a handle by mustache.

Do you think you might have a different voice? Maybe, yeah. Like a chutney seller's voice? Yeah, actually, yeah. Okay. Let's hear it. All I'm in America, I'd probably be like, say friend, you look like you're going through some stuff right now.

If you fancy getting a moz, yeah. I know what you were trying to get me to do. What does he... Do you reckon he might be Indian or Pakistani? Who thinks he's Pakistani? Yeah, see. What do you think he'd sound like, Tom? I think in that case, he'd be like, well, hello, friend.

I've lived here for 25 years. Born here. Yeah. And then, so I'd slowly get his trust. What I then start doing on the flip side is part two of the plan. Okay. I then start learning to be a physio. Right?

So I've got my stool during the day. In the evenings, I'm doing a physio's degree, right? I then, me and Brooklyn, we've got its blossoming friendship. Why have you done this beforehand? Huh? I haven't got time to learn out and make chutney, be a dad, do all the other shit. Okay, fine. So I'm then going, yeah.

I then say to Brooklyn, where I'll be. I've got a real relative all the way down there in Louisiana. So I guess, shucks, I'll see you in a couple of months. And then I fly to Miami. I get a job into Miami. Why can't you say that you're going to Miami? Because I don't want him to know what my plan is.

In what fucking world does he think, I think this Pakistani chutney cellar-me is trying to secretly reconcile me with my father? mate Brooklyn is no fall if I go I'm gonna go to me at Miami he'll go oh my dad works in Miami and I'll go well I didn't know that right so that's the end of that then isn't it also I just don't want him to get any idea you brown up I mean yeah I I mean no I'm not I'm gonna do this guy I've probably have blonde hair like mustache I probably if I think I bleach on my hair all of it because quite a lot of the time I think to sell chutney to be cool I probably have my top off

So... Sort of as a sign of what this chutney could do to you. So then I fly to Miami, I'd get a job as a physio at it. Would you ever pick, like, you're quite a hairy guy, aren't you? Yeah. I saw you getting changed before then. Yeah, I know, you were watching quite intently me getting changed before. Why do you think you'd be to sell chatteless?

Have you eaten chutney topless? Of course I have. I've eaten everything chopped. I mean, you're very hairy. Yeah. I guess my question is, have you ever got chutney in your chest hair? At some point I've had all foods in my... Okay, and so... Do you know the low of looking at your wife?

after having a big curry and then just going the number of times I have seen the swan picking chutney out of her chest hair fucking it drives me wild but would you eat it of course out of your chest hair yeah I mean it's right yeah it's going in the bin for me really really yeah definitely if you've got food on your body you get put that you don't eat so I'm gonna eat it off my own body no is that weird yeah okay foods on your body it's like your own it's like God's giving you a a plate to eat from. It's like your meat plate. It's like, if anything, back in the olden days, you probably had to eat off your body all the time. Why? Well, like, before you

before you had to use that and go, oh, cheers, mate. You wouldn't have, you would have luxury. If you were around when shit was getting invented like that, what a fucking shit show would be. Do you want to use this that looks like you could sort of put some food on it? No, I'm just going to wait it straight off my forearm, actually. Let me break it down. Put that away. Put that No, I'm just going to yam it off here. If it was me and you, you'd be in the cave like fucking inventing stuff, like plates, and I'd be having to go and kill all the dinosaurs.

I come back, oh, I'm all right, look what I've done, a plate, and I'll be, fucking, I've just been chased for fucking three blocks by bloody T-Rex. And then I'll go, you're actually millions of years out of date, you silly . That was Jim dressed up as a dinosaur again, you stupid fuck. And why don't you keep eating this mammoth out, you're pure. So then I fly too into Miami.

It's quite aggressive cave man. Yeah, you've been in the cave on your own all day. I've probably wanked yourself silly. Just looking out of the door at the gang, like, are you... I'm just trying to finish... Just trying to finish this mammoth. Just going to do the task. Just going to do the task.

Well, those long-neck dinosaurs just peering around going, Are you still at it? Fuck off, you're funny. I don't get any piece around here trying to invent stuff. Just to be clear, you know that cavemen weren't around at the same time as dinosaurs. Yeah, that's boring, isn't it? Anyway, go on. I was just saying it for your own general kind of going on with your life.

So now I move to Miami, right? I get a job in a, into Miami as a new club physio. Okay. Okay. So you've become a physio. you arrive there and they say what's your past experience and say I've run a chutney stall? No, no, no, no, no.

I'm a whole new character now. So you fake a CV? I basically say Hi, my name's Clive Devereux. I'm a physio from England here to repair you. And then slowly I earn everyone's trust there. Then basically one night when David Beckham's out driving I get into

a fender bender with him. So he hurts his back and he comes back in next door. So you injure you possibly paralys David Beckham in this plan? No, but it's like a shunt, so he goes, oh, fucking hell, you're fucking idiot. So then he comes into the physiognit room. He said, oh, my back.

I got in a fender bender last night. I'm like, get yourself over here. I don't think. What do you think of the chances that David Beckham uses the term fender bender? He's been in America long enough to have a bit of a fender bender. Anyway, go on. So then I massaged David Beckham. And I'm like sort of chatting to him about life.

stuff. We start hanging out at weekends. I'm giving him massages. Hold on, hold on. There's a couple of leaps here. I mean, the big leap is that, you know, you've not killed him in the car accident. And then he also comes into into Miami to get his physio rather than going, oh, no, but I've got such a reputation like Lionel Messi and everyone's going, oh, fucking, if you have an injury. How? You've only just learned a couple of weeks before. Mate, my hands are like, what do you mean? What do you mean your hands are like what? Wait, I've got big warm hands. These are like fucking. given talents for massage. They're all over people, Suarez, all the guys are like,

oh, fucking hell. Hey, Dave, what happened, Dave? Bloody Fender Bender. Go and see Big Wally. And he'd come in and go, hello, mate, all right, what's going on here, boss? Then we grow this friendship. Every now and again, we'll go for a pale ale, we'll laugh. I'll become like a brother to him. I'm really fascinated as to what happens when you reunite David and Brooklyn. Because you are now going to have to be both an English physio and a Pakistani chutney seller. So please tell me where this goes from here. Okay, so this is what happens. I've earned both their trust.

We all get on, right? I then turned to David, right, one day when I'm giving him a foot rub. And I'm like, oh, I've got my 50th birthday next week. I'd love you to come. It would be an honour if you'd be there. We got on so well, and I put him on the spot so he can't say no. Right. I then fly to New York.

I bump into Brooklyn. Hey, Brookers. And he's like, hey, man, I haven't seen you for ages. Oh, I don't even talk to me about it. Oh, actually, I've got to be in that character. Don't even talk to me about a Brooklyn mayor. And then he's like, it's my 50th birthday. I have the 50th birthday somewhere that's not mutual ground between.

So you say to David Beckham, would you come to my 50th birth? I'm the physio that looks a lot like the guy that crashed into your car. And I would love you to come to my 50th birthday party, this equidistant between Miami and New York? Yeah. I've heard it's trust. We've sort of had pillow-flot fights. Didn't you know that thing like you've always wanted to do with a friend

where we tell each other all our secrets? And like, he trusts me now. And he'll feel bad because I've put him on the spot and I've healed his back. His back's all better. He's like, I can't even remember how we met. And I'm like, I do. You had a fender bender.

And then I saved you. And then, anyway, I have this birthday party. The two... What is... You see, you... The way you talked there was like you were proud of this fictional situation. He went, and I saved you. You didn't. No, but I feel a certain amount of pride in my job. You have to.

That's what a massager's job is. First of all, can I give you just a quick tip? As you're talking to David about it, don't refer to yourself as a massager. That would be another tip for me. If you're trying to get reputation in Miami as the number one physio in the whole industry, that would be a tip for you. Not a massager, a masseuse. Well, you were a physio, actually.

Yeah. But I'll be like, yeah, I'll sell it up and I'll say it's going to be a big party, there'll be a load of cool people there. It'll be really fun for some of my other jobs and other walks of life. There's been an air of mystery because I think everyone will be going,

who is that guy? He disappears for time. You know, where I'm going back to New York to make sure I'm keeping things, plate spinning with Brooklyn, plate spring with Dave. they both come to my party when they turn up at the hall

they walk in there's just a single jar of chutney on a table and they're the only two guests and Brooklyn goes oh hey dad and he's like hey Brooklyn and then I just go

and they're like oh my God and he's like oh wow fucking hell what are you doing here and I was like I'm only here to make sure that this becomes this again I think after all the trouble that you've gone to

to then suggest that they're going to fuck it is such a fundamental error in your plan more so than the training to be a physio more so than making the chutney called Hannah I mean like they're going to like maybe I'll just gesture and get them to touch hands like that and go the father and son bond is a strong one don't ruin it from now

and I'll just go I'm out of it guys this is your party not mine I'm not even 50 and then as I walk out of the sports hall David will go who the fuck is that Sports hall is David Brooklyn Beckham coming to a party that's fucking miles away from where either of them live to come to a sports hall

they don't know it's a sports hall until they're there but then it's quite nice. Because Dave's a sportsman and put a nice sport. Please come to my party. It's a really posh thing, but it looks like a sports hall. And it's called a sports hall, but it's not a sports hall. They will just be there because they want to celebrate this birthday, right? And I say it's not even my birthday.

And I'm sorry to trick you because you mean. Just so you know, that's not the biggest reveal of everything that's happened. The idea that you think the big fucking, the big tada is that it's not your birthday. Absolutely incredible. And another sign of your ongoing narcissism, if you don't mind me saying. And then I say, I'm going to leave you guys to it. And then I literally grab my bag and my staff and I fly back to England. And when I get on the flight, the lady said,

Oh, successful business trip, Mr. Davis. And I'll go, I think so. So it's like a beautiful thing and they've come together. And then the next day I'll get the sun and it's like, my wife goes, oh my God, have you seen? David and Brooklyn Beckham are talking again. And I'm like, hmm, I wonder how. how that happened. And then she says, I'm just going to bring in the paper, even though you've gone for a

fucking 18 months. I've got no idea what you've been up to. We've lost the house. And why you browned up? Come over here, have a massage. They'll calm you down. Yeah, it's an interesting plan. I'd love to know what your take is on this situation today that I had, just today. And I'd love to get your take on this, whether you think this is okay or not, all right? I could actually have put this in a... Anyway, this is the story. Not a story, this happened.

So, Alex, doesn't sound like it happened now, doesn't it? But it did happen. So Alex, our second son, he's got a football match tomorrow. Big time. What do you mean big time? No, I'm just saying. I agree. No, but I'm just telling you, you're saying big time, like you're confirming to the...

I think you didn't know about the football match. When someone tells you something they're excited about, it's like, it resonated. I don't think you know what big time means then. I'm like, if somebody, no, if two people know about something and you go, there's a football match on tomorrow and they go big time, that means both of them are in agreement, that's a big football match. Yeah, it's not, but you don't say it when somebody's revealing the information tier. I think we should say big time more. When you go like, oh, I've got an exam tomorrow, big time. What?

Anyway, Alice's got a football match tomorrow. exciting it turns out he needs football boots I know that sounds surprising but he thought it was indoors and it's outdoors and they said you have to have football boots right and then his football boots are sort of knackered so the shops are closed by the time

we just before I left for the show or we couldn't get there or something had to come out for the show and Lisa was busy running the kids around so I said I said I'll go to town tomorrow morning and I'll get you the football boots and I'll drop them off to you at school. Wow.

And then I'll let you know when they're there. Good fathering. So then I head off to come to the show, right? Okay. And Lisa goes, you sure you want to do that? And I go, it's fine, it's fine. I'll pop in tomorrow morning. Good husband in.

So then I'm on my way to here. I get a text message from Alex and he says, what do you think of my new football boots? And he sends me a photo, right? Lisa has also text me, and she said, don't worry about the football boots. I was worried that you'd have too much on tomorrow and I didn't want you to go to trouble,

which is really sweet. Until out underneath the photo of the football boots, I text, how come Mom got the football boots? And he replied, she said you just fuck it up. Wow. Oh my God. She has no trust or faith in you. No, but I'm also being managed.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You're being, yeah, it's like, yeah, what's the character in Coronation Street? Gail Platt's mum. She went through all this. It's such a classic saying, it's like Gail Platt's Mum. You hear it so much, don't you? Fucking, that is classic girl Plattsman.

It's not Deirdrieu Barlow, it's the other one. Yeah, do you think it's out of order? Yeah, I think, because I think she's, yeah, I mean, it's a beautiful thing she's done, but also you've lost your moment of rushing into the school and sort of going, ah, just dropping off some boots for Alex Ranganhafen. I'm his dad, he didn't have none. And the teacher going, you,

are a fucking great dad. You know, I'll shout out. And then getting in the car, putting on some sort. Don't clap. I heard a clap. Go fuck yourself. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself for that.

Put some fucking call me. No, no, no, don't, don't, don't. It's such a cheap. It's such a cheap. Let's get it out in the open. We're doing the live shows. I don't fucking sound like that, man. Guys, who thinks he sounds like that?

No, I don't. No, but that's a beautiful moment that you could have, you know, you could tell Alex, you know, his first girlfriend comes around, you're sitting there and you're sort of like, I bet you told him about the time that I bloody had to get your football boots. Yeah, that was a great laugh. Yeah, so it was a Tuesday, I believe, and Alex didn't have no football boots.

He needed them for Wednesday. I was going into town. All the shops are closed, mysteriously early. So I ran and get them, bring it under the school gate. It wasn't allowed in the school for obvious reasons. Yeah, it was a good time, Dad. I just want to know, is what's happening, is it you taking the piss out of me for telling really long meandering stories?

Is that what's going on here? No, I'm just saying it. It's a beautiful moment. What should I, Hannah, do you think that's out of order of my wife? Yes. Yeah, I think that's a nice thing you could have felt positive about it. But what should I say to me, sir? You know what I do?

I go and find a better pair of football boots. That's a, what a fuck? I could get a better pair of football boots. Turn up tomorrow as a big hero and go, yo, Alex, don't be playing with those shitty ones. Have them sign by one of your football are friends. What? Good one of your footballer friends to sign them.

Yeah, like, I don't know, Ian Wright or something signs them and goes, yeah, we'll go sign by him right. I'm not friends with Ian, right. Well, I know, Ian, if you want to. Oh, we just. Oh, that's right. Sorry, for a moment, I thought this was about me. But actually, what it's about is you desperately trying to crowbar in the fact that you know Ian Wright.

No, I thought you knew Ian. You go to Arsenal player, Alex. You got a fucking other sign by, I don't know. It's for him to play in a match tomorrow. And also, Lisa's already bought him the football boots. And then I turn up going, step aside, wench. I've got some better football boots for my son. Blow me.

No, no, no. But you, yeah, I think it's, I love Lisa. I think that that was a moment. You've offered to do that. No, but I think it's out of order of her. Yeah. How are you going to deal with it when you get home? You're going to have to say something.

Like, okay, why don't you be Lisa? Who do you want to be? Do you want to be you or Lisa? Of the choices of roles that I would like to play in this and I think I'll play Ramesh. Okay, I'll be there, sir. Hey, babe, how are you? Is there something wrong? Are you okay?

Are you going to ask me how the tour show went? No, I saw on your Instagram. It looked like it went great. It was fine. Tom sort of wasted the first half with this Beckham thing. Oh, that's weird. Oh, that's weird, because I think it's kind of cool that he wants to help people. You look good. You look nice. Have you done something different? Have you brushed your teeth? What is it? You've done something different.

done anything different actually. You look cheeky like you want to tell me something. I do want to tell you something. I want to ask you something actually. Why is it that you bought the football boots for Alex today? Oh God. He told you. Well, you told me. I was so worried about you. You've got so much on your plate right now and I don't know how you handle it all. Yeah. I love you more than anything. I know. You love me almost as much as you hate Tom. That's not true. Tom's a great guy and he's really there for you. You should confide in him about more stuff. Um, why did you buy the football boots? I was worried about you. In what way? As, as it caused eruption between us.

Why? Why are you talking like this? I guess it wasn't really about the football boots. It was about It's about me becoming the me I want to be. Do you understand that? What's that got to do with buying a pair of football boots? The football bus? It was more than just about football boots. It's about me just being me and just going out and just doing something off the cuff.

It's not off the cuff. Alex said he needed some football boots. Why wouldn't you let me fly? I don't think you know what off the cuff means. Why won't you let me fly? Why did you buy the football boots? To get at you. To get at me.

Sometimes I think you just want to be the hero and you don't care about the storyline. I just wanted to get Alex in football votes. Okay. I'm sorry. Why have you... Don't get angry. Alex told me that you told him it's because he thought I'd fuck it up.

Well, I'll talk to Alex in the morning about... I don't need you to talk to Alex about it. I want to know why you said that to him. I was worried that you wouldn't buy him the right football boots. That the football boots that you'd buy him would be too expensive or too cool, because you're cool. Do you really think I'm cool? Yeah. Like, how am I cool?

I don't know, the way you just don't care what people think. You just swim through life on a sea of emotions. You're the waves and I'm the beach. You just crash into me whenever you want. Sort of only really crash into you on my birthday. If you crash into me all the time, there'd be nothing of me left. You're our hero, but you can't save every day. Do you think I'm sexy?

I think you're a really good dad. And seen. Thank you very much. I did a good thing this week, and I'm proud of that. I did a really decent deed. I look, I don't want it to get into this later, but I'm really proud of myself. I was going to talk about this last night, but the crowd last night just felt that they weren't as nice as you guys. You feel like decent people, so I told them...

They're not giving any evidence that they're better than last night's crowd so far. No, I mean, the groan that they gave at that would suggest that actually they're... Well, it's because they know you're just being a manipulative little prick, aren't you? Do you know what I mean? The same thing whenever anybody sends an email in. Dear Wolf and Al, this is the best email

we've ever fucking got. I've got to tell you, you're a sweet, sweet side. I'd love to tell you out for a drink. Love to tell you out for a meal. Well, you're taking a shy enough how I respond to all the emails now for the people who haven't seen the podcast before

or heard it. Are you aware of how we deliver the podcast? It's audio. Yeah, but this obviously, you can see us, right? Are you asking if they can see us now? Yeah, no, no. That's pretty abelist. We don't know who's in the crowd.

There might be people in the audience who are just closing their eyes and listening to it, so it feels like that. That would be such a fucking wild decision. If you paid for tickets to come to the show and go, do you know what? I want it to be like the regular podcast, so I'm just going to... I'm just going to tuck in like this. Yeah, I know they're up there, but I don't really want to think about it. To be honest, if you, seeing it makes it worse, I'm just going to...

I'm just going to chill here like this. Anyway, what is it you're proud of? So I went to a National Trust. Jesus Christ I said my mom and dad Grace we went through

she didn't want to come sort of look into the future I guess this how bleak how place do you think you are to divorce I think I'm 50% closer after the fact that she didn't want to come to the National Trust place

it's not the sexiest invite I imagine she's had no no I mean it's hard to make national I'm sure that people have had sex at National Trust places There's loads of open space and rooms. Yeah, and also, like, when you walk around the National Trust spaces, there's often, like, little junctions, aren't there? And you go down here for, like, a nice walk, and then there's, like, a fuck route. Down here, I'm a hot dog in spot.

Yeah, yeah, just where you can do a bit of Seagull in a way. I don't know what the terminology is, I'm just... Anyway, I wish I had not said that out loud. Go on there, mate. So we have a little stroll about, a little bowl, then we make our way to the cafe, Canteen. I don't what I call them there. Canteen? Well, it's got a cat. Have you been to it?

They're not really cuffs. They're like kind of canteeny vibes. Right. I'm in there going through, you know, chatting to Grace about what she wants. I order our food. We sit down to have our food and a table just close to me, a guy collapses. Right. Gone, bang, hits the deck. Having some sort of fit. I'm not a doctor. I can't say what sort of fit. You're not a doctor.

It's good to get that clarified. I did, people that have listened to it, are probably thinking, this sounds, Tom's never mentioned it, but the level of intellect he demonstrates, so I'm pretty sure he might be a doctor. I did shout, is there a doctor here? Smart.

Then Grace is laughing, because she laughs at everything I do, which is sort of completely made the sort of whole occasion. Then my dad starts laughing because Grace is, you know. I wouldn't describe it as an occasion. No. I would sort of say an incident or happening, do you know what I mean? So then I'd rush over, I rush over to the guy and sort of say to him,

like, a doctor's coming, the doctor's coming. So how do you know a doctor's coming? Well, at that point, I'm just trying to put... So your first reaction to the situation is to lie to the guy. He was in a real fucking pickle. Yeah. Right? So I then sort of rolled him onto his side, like I've seen in the films.

So you're basing it on stuff you've seen in the films? Yeah. Is there a doctor here? I've seen in a lot of aeroplane films. I'm assuming you tick that from me. Yeah, and then I'm just, like, at the point where I'm like, I'm going to have to make sure because it's swallowing his tongue, I don't want to put my hand in his mouth.

Why not? Well, because I'm about to eat, and then I've got to go and wash my hands. I've got to go to the fucking... Would you not wash your hands to eat anyway? No, I've washed them. You'd only wash your hands to eat if you'd hook somebody's tongue out of them. Let's not talk about it. You've been an absolute fucking animal before this show.

But anyway, go on. Our friendship has been put to the test. I'm just going to say this. Listen, we get a lot of complaints about talking about toilet too much on the podcast. But can I just say this? We ate quite a lot of food after we arrived at the venue. And there's two toilets in the dressing room area. Tom started his shit in one and finished it in the other.

And I've got to tell you, I mean, it's fucking unacceptable. No, listen, look, I went into trap one because I thought it looked quite quaint. It's a smaller toilet. I get in there, I see it, I start going to the toilet. I think this is a bizarre situation. There's a bigger toilet next door. So I rush next door. The bigger toilet didn't just appear.

I understand if you... There was a method to my man and so I thought, I'll give Rob the bigger toilet because he's got like, you know, he's the... Because he's got what? He's the Mac Daddy, you're the main guy, do I mean? You're the big, you're the prince, the king. I'm the jester. I'm just forlicking about.

Oh, if I have the big toilet, you're going to go, Why are you in there? O'y, get out. You shambolic grifter. Out you pop, anyhow. Back to this gentleman. So I thought, and then this person comes up behind me, sweet gentleman, and he's like, oh, I'm a doctor.

And he sort of pushes me out of the way. So you wouldn't let him get to the casualty? No, no, but he was quite forceful. What happened? Did you have a biscuit in his hand? You were tucking in? No, he, for a little, sort of, I'd say he's 60 if he's a day, right? Right. And he sort of looked like, you know, like a polished gnome, you see.

All this nice clear skin, but very shiny. And he sort of pushes, but he's stronger than, I thought, I sort of fell back. Why were you resisting him? No, because I, at this point, I'm the fucking guy's next of kin. He's on his own. Be it, no, no, what you've, what you've... By the way, what you've... He's like, this guy's clapping, he's on his own at a national track.

This is looking to my future potentially, walking around gardens on my own. Hey, Rom, you're coming out. Nah, I've got too many good stuff on. Okay. I was like, you can't die here. You can't die like this. When people say your nearest and dearest are the next of kin, that doesn't mean like geographically. Because you're next to him, you're not suddenly his next to kin.

Yeah, but you've got, I've been there for 30 seconds just like holding his hand and like stroking him. Can you imagine? I want you to imagine you collapse at the National Trust. You close your eyes and then you open them and it's Tom Davis. She's going, you'd be all right, mate. There's a doctor coming. I'm your next of kin now. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm also, can I say I'm two bites into one of the best Cornish pasties I've ever eaten? That's going cold. And by the way, that is a precursor because as Tom said earlier, he was about to eat.

He doesn't even consider that eating. That is something that he has as a Walmart before he gets into his main meal. Do you know that you jest? But I had got a jacket potato as well. Right. So it was a jacket potato and a cornish pasty with a jacket potato chaser.

That makes sense. I'd say the chaser was a donut. But anyhow. The first responder was a fucking donut by the sounds of it. And the guy said the doctor's like, like done doctory stuff with him. Like he's looking at it. Don't worry, mate.

He's doing some doctory stuff. You'd be absolutely fine. Oh, you need his wallet, do you? And then he says to me, go, you know, grab it. He needs a sugary drink, go and grab him. So I said, like, what sort of drink? He said, just as shit.

I said, nothing too fizzy. I tried to speak to the garden floor. So I rushed, I run over as quick as a can, run past the lady. You put a lot of pressure on this bit now. I'm just, I'm just telling you as a cowboy before. If you want drama, I'll give you a lot of pressure on this. The guy over there who's clapped, I don't know if anyone's seen him.

They went, oh yeah, we saw that you were the first responder. He said, never mind that. You might need medical attention. You've run three steps and you're out of breath. I'm acting. Are you all right? Actually, I only to sit down. So I turn around and say he needs to shit.

I run to the fridge. I get him two little bottles of orange juice. Right. I sprint back. And I go, doctor, doctor. period, you know. Did you keep saying doctor, doctor? No, I don't know the guy's name.

Well, no, but it just sounds like you're just doing it about to do a joke. No, no, but I don't know his name and he's fucking... Doctor, Doctor, knock, knock. I've got some orange shoes. No, I don't know the guy's name. I can't just call him mate. You could just call him Doctor. But it sounds like you've made a guess at his name.

By the way, I come from a place where if it's urgent... Sorry, I'm sorry for speaking there. So you turn around and go, Ramesh, Ramesh, if I wouldn't go, If I wouldn't go, romish, if it was an urgent matter, you've got to say it twice. Then you go, fucking, what's up? If I went romish, you'd go, oh, what's it? Romish, romish. Womit, what?

Doesn't sound, let's get it out in the open now. It doesn't sound like me. Who thinks that sounds like him? Well, I'm not going to go off a fucking nest of pricks here in Hackney to verify that. Like, so basically... By the way, I'm hoping this story steps up a bit, because I have heard nothing that you should be proud of so far. What are you joking?

I've basically saved this guy's life. How? Right. How? Because I'm the one who called the doctor. Without me calling the doctor, he's just a guy on the floor having a fit. Right. I then, like, basically, give the...

I open the orange juice. Now, this is where the movie would start, I think. Okay, you open the orange juice. You have one for yourself. Fuck, who pasty was a bit drawing, mate. Sorry. I stood over him eating the pasty. Crumbs all over him. Is he all right now, is he?

And I said, look, so he said, gentle little sips, and he's holding the guy's head, the doctor, and he gives him these gentle little sips. I said, there's two here if you need him, mate. And he looks at me. It's so tragic that you're, in the instance of a casualty, Somebody's collapsed you're still looking for approval. I've got a second orange juice if you need it.

I can open it just as quick as I did the first one. Like I'm really good at opening. I've opened loads of bottles right throughout my whole life. I reckon I was four when I opened my first bottle. And like, everybody in my family said, he's the best bottle opening in all of the Davies. Only ever be one bottle I couldn't open. Two thousand five.

I had a bit of a nightmare of a bottle of brown sauce. But I got over it. A Snapple, one of those raspberry ones. ones, I was looking forward to it. Anyway, the guy starts coming around a bit. I said, look, nevertheless, we should phone an ambulance. And he said, why have he used nevertheless in this? It makes absolutely no sense in the context of what's happening here. Anyway, once upon a time, I better call an ambulance. So then I help the doctor pick him up and we put him on a chair. This guy.

I'm surprised he didn't go, do you know what, just walk away and leave me. I'd rather it ended. I've got a nice memory of the orange juice. I do not want to continue. So we set him up and then someone said, oh God, he doesn't look too good. I said, oh, he's probably a bit embarrassed about what's happened. Why would he be embarrassed? Because he's clapped on the floor.

Everyone in the cafe has stood around. It's like he's putting on a show, but he didn't, you know, it's like this. I mean, to be fair, there was a bigger crowd. Yeah, and then the guy gave him sort of like a little bit of ice for his face and stuff. What was funny about that? Your face? What, I'm just listening to the stuff? You remind me a bit of the guy actually, who clapped.

In what way? Just you've got that sort of saying nature. So then basically, so yeah, so we've been, but, you know, You know, he sits up and then he sort of takes my hands and says, thank you. And I'm like, hey, I'd do that for anyone, mate. And then I go back and I sort of start eating my pastime. He's waiting for his ambulance, which is weird. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

The guy collapses. You get a doctor, supposedly. Yeah. You get two orange juices. While the ambulance is still on its way, you continue eating your pastime. This has been like seven minutes. He's fucking out of, like, there's a little bit of warmth in the past day. It's like cracking a sleeping bag.

There's hardly anything left in this thing. There's no steam coming off it. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, you know, and it's hard because then he's looking at me going, and I'm going, you're right, good. Start the jacket potato. I didn't even, like, I'm not even enjoying it at this point. It's just fuel.

No, it must be horrible. What horrible day you've had in the National Trust. But this is where the kicker comes in, right? As I'm fucking, the ambulance comes, the guy's wheeled out, you know, I sort of say, look, you know, I hope you get better. Jesus. You know, stay well and all that sort of stuff. Stay well. That only works if the person is currently well.

It's just collapsed. I shake the doctor's hand and it was like, yeah, great work. It's just start going, it's got fucking crumbs all over my hand. And then the lady who's running the calf turns around and says, I would see her later, and she said, oh, you owe me for the orange juices. We had to pay six pounds for the orange juices, which I did pay, but I was fucking furious. As I left, I turned to my dad and was like, could you fucking believe that? Basically, I was integral in saving that guy's life, and I've had to pay for the fucking pleasure.

I don't want to chase down an ambulance and go, by the way, you owe me six quid. And if I'm honest with you, I'm fucking 18 pound for the fucking family meal you've ruined. but anyway so I feel like and you're proud of yourself the gist of that story is you're feeling really proud of yourself no because yeah look

if that guy take you if that guy's got a podcast and he's doing it he's going oh bloody hell I was at the old National Trust place the other day took a bit of a fool I don't want to hear the whole story again

and this lovely big lad came over he was reassured me and stroke I thought initially I thought he was concerned about my health but then he was a little bit handsy if I'm being honest with you yeah I think it was a nice

there's another podcast for somebody's going I just saw the guy from Wonka arguing about the price of two orange juice it's Stingy Wanker Times must be hard for him he hasn't done anything since Wonka is he yeah so I come here

with pride of me. I feel like, I've got... You come here with pride? I come here, man. I'm like, how often are you sort of integral in sort of a life-saving mission? I think you're integral. You were a lot like Indiana Jones in the first film, in that your presence really didn't have any effect on the situation at all. He's the lead character, though?

Yeah, but in that film, he didn't have to be there. Indiana Jones? Yeah. You're not watching it without Indiana Jones. It's just... No, I'm not saying as a film, but what I'm saying... Everybody do you know this phenomena? Yeah. Indiana Jones and Raiders of Lost Ark. Yeah, look, number one, thank you very much

because I do think Indiana Jones and me are quite alike in a lot of ways. If I was a teacher, that's probably the vibe I'd carry. But, like, he is integral to that film, you can't. No, not to the first one. Okay, break this down for me, because I've never heard of it's phenomenal. Well, I'm not going to break it down for you, but essentially, if you watch that film as it is,

and then you imagine that story, if Indiana Jones wasn't there, exactly the same load of stuff happens. And I don't want to come across arrogant, but sometimes you need a charismatic hero. The doctor, if you'd seen him, was quite a beige sort of chap. He would, they needed someone to grab it by that's bollet's bollet, not him, the guy. So how many times I have to tell you, stop describing ethnic minorities as beige? It's not, I know you think it's all right, but it's 2025, mate, all right?

How have you been? What's been going on in your life? Well, I'm kind of... Basically, last night, I described a scenario, and I won't tell the whole story again, but basically, at the end of the day, what happened was it turned out that my wife doesn't trust me. Yeah, not because of he's been like a scumbag,

No. Just with tiny little things. Basically, I said I was going to... I'll tell it very quickly, all right? Because it continued on today. Oh, wow. Okay, so yesterday, my second son, Alex, needed some football boots, right? But he needed them...

It was too late to get them, and then I said, and he was playing his football match today, and I said, I'll go out and get the football boots for you and then I'll drop them off at school for you right and he said you don't have to do that I said no it's fine I'll do it I'll do it and they're supposed to do it this morning right so anyway on the way to last night show I get a text message from Lisa saying Ron don't worry about getting the football boots right I've got him for them I've got them for him all right don't worry about it I thought you'd have too much on tomorrow what with the show and everything you've got bits and pieces just come back beautiful sentiment for a lovely lady and then

I got a separate text from Alex with a picture of the football boots and underneath it said Mom got me the football boots because she said you'd only fuck it up, right? So obviously those are two different sentiments and now I'm thinking not like my wife is fucking mugging me like there is a good chance I would fuck it up right that I do understand that but don't tell him like don't let it on to my children, do you know what I mean? Because, like, in a way that Alex is running it and goes, oh my God, Dad's going to buy me some football boots. And Lisa's like, oh, he'll probably just fuck it up.

That was such a disrespectful impression of my wife. No, but like, that's new. I'm just giving it. I can't do your wife. He'll only just fuck it up. What was that? So they know I'm changing characters. Like that?

She's classy. I don't know if that's classy. That's for me, classy. That's classy to you. If I saw someone like that, I'd go, fuck, you know, give me some champagne, I'm in. So when you see Lisa, you think, give me some champagne, I'm in. No.

And by it, I mean, company's going to be great, we'll have a right laugh. That's not what people, when people say, I'm in. Yeah, I know. I realize that as a word. are coming out of my mouth. That's just my way. They tumble out and sometimes I can't get them back. Anyway, last night we sort of talked about that I had to confront Lacer about this. Did you confront her in the way that I suggested?

Well, I thought what you made it quite sexual and horrible. Did you go back with it? I did. I talked to this morning about it. Oh, wow. How did it go? And I said to her, look, I know that you... Hand on the lower back? Pardon? Hand on the lower back?

Yeah, like, reassuring, like, hand on the lower back. I don't know. What's the level of affection between you and Kat? I'm going to be honest. Hand in the lower back is an affection. It's just like, hey, you're right? Yeah, but if I sat down next to Lisa and, like, just, atropos of nothing, put my hand on the lower back,

she go, are you fucking all right? No, look, stand up. It's like this. I don't want to, I don't want you to put your hand on my lower back. Come on. Come on. Come on. Give the people what they need. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Guys, this isn't only fans live.

You're not allowed to just, to mum, put your hand on his back, we want to see it. Then undo his belt slowly. What happened if they had sex? We want to see it now. Recreate it, monkeys. Right, what I mean is a gentle list. This is how low the level expectations are. You just cheered somebody getting up from a chair. You're Lisa, you're Lisa, right? You're just at the breakfast bar.

You're right? Yeah. Just wanted to talk to you about last night. See you? You're after a bit. Oh, Jesus. Why? Wow. Wow. No, I did.

I was doing a recreation. I was doing a role play. Did she touch it? That was weird. You cut to it gently. No, because the truth is that, you know, I didn't want to damage it or anything. So hold it, so you go up, you don't, you don't, there's no back touching. That wasn't worth it, was it?

Us getting up, objectively speaking, that was not worth it as a thing. So you go up, so is your voice shaky, are you confident? It's not shaky? You're not a confrontational kind of beast. So you've come in, you're confident in what you're saying, you've written out what you're saying. I'm not written out what I'm going to say, no. Okay, you go in. Lisa's there, she's... Well, I decided to lay a trap.

Oh my God. So I said to her, that was really sweet of you going and get in the football boots. What is it that made you do that? Because I thought, let me, if I prod a little bit, she might own up. And she said, I just thought you had so much on. I really wanted to look out for you. If this was an episode of EastEnders, I'd be like, Bianca, no. And then she said, and then I said, is that right?

Oh, not like that. I think I have my hand on her throat. No, no, I'm just... Why am I laughing at that? It's a horrible... So, you aggressively trapped Lisa. What did she say to you? She said that, what I said.

Oh, did you then? Yeah, I said then, I said, did you? She goes, yeah, yeah, you know. And then I said, it's interesting because Alex said to me that you thought I'd fuck it up. Oh, wow. So you threw Alex under the bus. Well, where else am I supposed to say I've heard it from?

Just say, though, the guy working at the sports shop got in touch with me randomly. Collaborable damage, just go, yeah. Yeah, Darren from the what? No, listen, you want to come up with a better strategy? Tell me, what is it? Am I you, you're Lisa? I'll be you.

Okay, you're Lisa. I'm Lisa? Yeah. Okay. If I was casting this, I don't think I'd make me Lisa and you me. Because I'm me. I would arguably say the hardest cast that I've ever gone up for is up against you playing yourself. Yeah, fair enough.

But you've given yourself the part. Yeah, no, no, just to give you an idea of how I'd roll. Okay, got on. Hey, baby. Hold on, sorry, just one second. I don't know if anyone else heard this. We're just about to start doing it. Somebody over there, a lady, I believe, just went,

Nah. Who did that? You're all for it? What, you're all for Tom being me and me being Lisa? Okay. Oh, wow. It feels like you've had this fantasy, you've been sitting on it for quite a while, and it's sort of come off of, anyway. Pardon? Who's the little spoon? Well, I think we both know that. Come on. Okay.

Before we get into this, I'm actually the little spoon thing. I just want to talk about this Yeah, go on Do you Do you, we've talked about this I think a bit But do you spoon cat? We'll have a little spoon here and there

Yeah, every night do you spoon? No, not every night It would be like a treat Like a On a Saturday After the boxing and a pizza After the Dave Allen fight This week we'll have a spoon

Yeah, we're like Yeah, we're like Yeah, we're not every, I mean Sometimes we've got fucking graces in the bed and then yeah they're spooning I'm just on the outside

just looking in like Bob Cratchett at Scrooge's window um okay um are you you and Lisa still spooning I actually

I've got to say I'm sorry you've got a weird fucking thing I don't know if we took it's on the podcast you sleep on your front which is insane and by the way

it's so this most maverick dangerous thing I sleep on front, you shit in two toilets in one go. Yeah, but I... And I'm the weirdo. But do you not know the health risks of sleeping on your front? No, tell me.

It's really dangerous. Let's have a real dark ending to the first half. What are the health risks? Is there a doctor in, as Tom Davis said at the National Trust? By the way, any doctors... Yeah, we've actually got a doctor? Holy shit. Let me see you.

You might be the doctor from the other day. Is your... Oh, he's not him. You're all that, mate. He is beige though, like you. You tumble? Holy shit, come on, man. How's mum?

Yeah. Thank you for coming in. Thank God my mum's not here. There was a Tamil boy in there, actually a doctor. Made something on himself. You useless clown, piece of shit. So, what's your name, sorry? Kumran.

So, Kumran, can you tell us, is sleeping on your front really dangerous? really dangerous? If you're under a year, probably. You really are a fucking idiot. I've read, I swear, I'm going to Google this in the break. Yeah, no, you're right. Let's ignore what the doctor said, because you've got a gut feeling

that it might be different from what the qualified doctor said. This is the problem with people nowadays. A doctor. That is a doctor who has said it. We've actually heard it. We're not even reported it. We're not read it anywhere. He's sat there and he said if you're under a year.

And you've got, I'm not sure about that, mate. Actually, I'm going to, I think I'm going to do some of my own research, actually. I'm going to get a second opinion. I'll call the guy from the... You're exactly the reason people think people are giving refugees iPads in the fucking hotel. Despite all the evidence to the country. Shout out to Ryland. Anyway, go on.

So, yeah. So, are you a spooner? Am I a spooner? No, do you like a spooner? Okay, listen, I'm slightly embarrassed to kind of share this because, you know, as you, you know, Lisa and I've been together for 15, 16 years now, right? So your relationship evolved? So you met when you were 34?

Sorry. What I liked about that was you wanted to slam me, but you couldn't do the maths quick enough. I was really trying that. It was the quickest I've ever done that. So what does that make you? Carried a one, and there's two left over. But obviously, like, you know, for example, you know,

without getting too, you know, sad about it, sex is more infrequent, I would say. Yeah, it happens, isn't it? stuff gets in the way like per pt but um but uh I no in all serious so like you basically when you first get together when you first in a couple you're you sacrifice your own comfort for the you know you just want to show that you're in love with each other and you know there's that kind of and then gradually you know as a relationship develops your own comfort sort of you're

comfortable enough with each other to just go actually you do that in other way cups of tea, make them a nice meal and stuff, right? What do you mean? You do different things to show them that you love them. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah. You do cups of tea, coffees, and make drinks and food and nice things for Lisa, right? Um, have you been speaking to Lisa? No, I don't make nice meals for Lisa, no.

Maybe I will be Lisa in this role play. I've forgotten that we were doing a role play to be in a role play. What happened was we started to do a role play, then you ignored a doctor's information and then I got distracted. So, okay, so what's happening in this role play? So I'm going to be you

and I'm going to be me? This is how I think you should have. Okay, fine. Okay, you're Lisa. Hey, babe. You were restless last night. Can I, um... I'd love to carry on our conversation that we're having the other night

about the 20 reasons why we think Tom's a... Well, you should have seen what he did last night. He sat in two different toilets. But actually, it'd be fair, he saved a man's life. This whole fiasco with the football boots... Yeah. It's not really a fiasco, is it? I went, Alex needed some football boots and that...

Shh, for a second. Dude, if I told Lisa to shush, I would be fucking incapacitated. But anyway, go on, let's carry on. And yeah, I will have some shreddies. Listen, the whole situation of football boots where you said to me you'd done it as a favour. Just before you carry on.

Why do you do that podcast with that thick bastard? I feel sorry for him. He's quite lonely. He's been hanging out in National Trust houses on his own. A bit like a superhero waiting to save people. It's quite a hollow existence. Yeah, I do feel sorry for him, but why does he smell like that? I'm just doing stuff that Lisa's asked me.

I think he's just trying to find a toothpaste that works. Anyway, it's not really about how Tom and all the lives you've saved. It's more about us. I had an awful situation this morning. I woke up and I forgot you brought Alex's football boots, so I sprinted down to Sports Direct. Sorry, is this supposed to be how I'm supposed to handle it? Yeah, like this.

So basically, sort of transform into a complete bell end. Okay, go on, carry on. And I got chatting to Darren. You know, Darren. No, I don't know, Darren. Liz and Keith's boy. Sorry, Ramesh. Where do you think we live? Because I think you think we live in 1987.

Darren had got himself in an awkward... Who? Darren, Liz and Keith's boy. Right. He got himself in an awful tiz. What happened? Why using the word tiz? I've never heard you...

I've never heard you use the word tiz before in your life. It's the only descriptive noun I could use for this situation. Why are you saying things like descriptive noun? You know it makes me horny. Anywho. Darren starts rattling off a story of a woman who came in yesterday saying her husband was a bell-end and he wouldn't be responsible enough to buy football boots on his own

he'd probably fuck it up I asked him what did she look like can I ask a question why are you sort of turning into Alan Carr well I like his comedy and he's a straight-up kind of guy Anyway, I said, Darren, what does this woman look like? And he described a beautiful lady, a full-sleeve tattoo with a dolly on a chain, her hair scraped back, beautiful, big blue eyes.

And I thought, oh, hold up, that's my Lisa. You've met Lisa? Yeah, but they have it. I'm doing, this is like, yeah, this is a rollplay. So hair, scrape back, full-sleeve tattoo. I'd love more so Lisa I beg you to ask you my darling my sweet my girl was it you who said these words to Darren Keith and Sue's boy I thought was Liz and Keith well it's sketchy Keith have been seeing a lot of women about 20 years

See, that's what I'd have done. And then she's not going to blame Alex. So they couldn't even bring themselves to applaud that. But she's not going to chat, because what's happened now is poor Alex gets home from school and she's like, you little weasel, telling you, it's scratching me up to your dad. You know what he's like when he gets angry?

Anyway, I didn't talk to, I didn't talk to Lisa about it like that. I just said to her, in all truth, I wasn't really that pissed off, I thought it was quite funny. Yeah. So I said to her like... I mean, it has been a story that's carried over for two nights. Yeah, there's a level of anger, in you? No, it's not anger. I'm not angry, but it's just, you know, we sort of talk about what's been happening to us,

and that's what's happened to me. And anyway, I think that things like that are leading to my children not respecting me. I think you need to do something for them to respect. Fuck you, by the way. Oh, you know what we could do? I've got a plan. We've got to wrap this up. One of these sweet souls out here, right, we hatch a plan where you take your family to a National Trust.

house, right, of a Saturday, right? You get up there, you get your cheese onion pastile, whatever you get, right? You're sitting there, the boys going, oh, it's a lovely house, right? Aren't olden day things pretty? And then, whichever of these people auditions is the best actor, fucking falls over, collapses. How are we going to conduct this audition, by the way?

Well, they can send in audition tapes. So they're going to send in audition tapes, and I'm going to review these audition tapes, and then that person goes to the National Trust. And what are they auditioning to do? Collapse. They collapse. Okay.

You jump up and go, we need a doctor. We already have a doctor. Hold on. What do you mean? He's going to be with us? Well, of course. Would you come for the National Trust to help Ramesh? Are you paid?

Yeah, of course we'll pay. Yeah. Well, yeah, we'll get the orange juice. I'll pay you more than the NHS do. I'll guarantee you that, L.I. A little bit of topical. He's a part of the saving. You're a part of the sale.

It's a beautiful thing. And your boys look at you and go, fucking up, Dad. That was just like Tom, you saved that guy's life. You're like, hmm, exactly. And Lisa's like, boy, you were fucking sexy as you gave that person orange juice out of the sippy cup. Order restored to the Ranganathan House. And then I just put my old sack over my bag and move on to the next town.

Tom, it's about that time. It's about that time. It is the tradition on the wall for now for you to wrap things up. So please. Friendship. What is friendship? I do love you, my friend. Hmm, love.

Funny thing. What is love? aka is it a drink you can drink too much, become drunk on love thus not get enough and be thirsty for love absolutely is there a perfect measure of love I don't know friends all I know is this that

every now and again you found yourself surrounded by it maybe in a wedding or a new flat maybe in a hallowed theatre surrounded by what feels like strangers but no alas these aren't strangers they're friends that you've conversed with time after time. And how do you think these people?

With a handshake, with a cuddle, with a kiss, weird. Or with a tasty little treat. Some vegetables spiced and wrapped in a pastry surrounding. And a samosa. So for a few small amount of you, we will thank you with indeed one of those. A dry samosa from a local takeaway.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Animal Pack, thank you so much so much for coming out tonight. Here, Robbie Boy, bless each and every one of you. Thank you. God bless. We're going to finish the show behind our 20 some iceers. In your mouth, in your mouth. You rich. Oh my God, you're actually, oh shit. Have another one, have another one, take this one, take this one, take this one, take this one, take this one.

Oh, wow, wow. Thank you so much for coming to the world for now, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. So trip back. Please give it up for Tom Day. Travis. Robert Rang and Ipham. Give it up for Rob Percy. My guy. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. We'll be the wolf for now. Good night. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolf-alpod

at gmail.com. That's wolf-alpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear you. from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.