Wolf and Owl - The Banter Cannon, the Guff Lounge and the Mullet

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

Too old for a mullet? Do you hold your farts in? How many clothes is too many? We answer all these important questions, in this episode of Wolf & Owl, plus discover Tom’s farting pub plan - the guff lounge, what to do when you’re home alone (and how often you should do it) and why you shouldn’t sit by Tom on the train. This week we’re also all about spreading love, joy and some positivity! Send in your questions to [e-mail] for the chance to have them answered in an upcoming episode.  A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media.  Chapters: 00:00 Intro 01:30 Rom’s hair 04:17 Lincoln 06:25 Back touching 08:02 Clothes  09:25 Chairs and farts 18:43 One in one out method 23:20 Supportive Tom 24:57 Family drama 26:14 Home alone 29:24 Tom’s predicament 39:55 Sweet Jon 40:55 What is praise? Subscribe for new episodes!   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome Welcome to the war Yeah, I can't take your underwear off It's time for the war for now Have we started? No That's why I'm not in showmage yet Wait, when you're in show mode kicks in

It's everything Everything is everything What's the rules about us Singing songs on this? We're not able to sing three lines And then it's not three lines It's in the song You can only ever clear three lines

It's prelons. It's clearable everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, what you want? Beak or jaws, feathers or fur. Sharp teeth or feet with claws. Whatever's prefer. Just kidding.

Every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome to the Wolf and Al. Oh, that's nice. You had a long note. We are in the studio, baby. I love the statues out. Statues out. We had a bit of a debacle with the light on the Wolf and Al's on.

wasn't working properly. They said they're ready for us but they weren't. There's so much tech that goes into this now. Well it's lights and some cameras. Yeah, yeah, but mate. Lights cameras are now. Action. My boy, my friend, how are you? Really good, thank you. You're a gallon. There's something sort of different way. As

this goes out, I've just had another haircut for the play. I'm not happy with it. You're not happy with an MPC. It's not their fault. They're cutting in accordance to a lovely Amy who did my hair. Yeah. She's done it's a good haircut. Yeah, it's a nice haircut. Unfortunately, I don't like...

You don't know the style? No. I do think it looks cool, I do. I do miss the mullet a little bit. I was looking through some old pictures of you. Yeah. And the old mullet was nice. Yeah, well, there's some contra...

There's some... There's some debate about whether I'm too old to have it. Well, the mullet? Why? At my house. There's a lot of this going on at your house at the moment. We had a lot of this last... Myself seems pretty low.

I've got a few things I want to talk to you about my family, actually. Okay. One, I'm getting constantly... Lisa's... Now, okay, let me just get this all out of the way, because this all happened to be over the last few days. If you love where this is going, what you'll really love is to like, subscribe,

and join the journey on YouTube at The Wall for now. Now, back to Rome. And wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, Spotify and such. I'm going to do it in a bit and he's going to fuck that. So what's happened? Well, a few things. I'm too old to have a mullet.

I've been told. The family have decided. So are they having votes now? It's not up to them. I mean, I can have it if I want. Yeah. I can't currently because of the play. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now I'm in a bit of a mid zone where I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. You know, what am I going to do facial hair-wise? What am I going to do hair-wise, you know? It's exciting times. I'm in a real... Do you know what I mean? The other thing is, is I've now been told by Lisa...

Can I just... Sorry, let's just go out this mullet thing. So is that a vote? Like, they've all voted against it. Well, they had a discussion about it in front of me like I was an animal in a cage. Oh, my God. That's awful.

What are you doing at this time? Just eating in sweets. Yeah. I didn't know they having this conversation they reported it to me after me. They were over the other side of the room I'm just eating a sandwich

no I'm joking I'm joking they just started chatting about it in front of me like I'm making it out like it's worse than it is basically they were like What are you going to do with your hair after the play? No When I had the mullet When I had like it was all shaved and stuff

I loved it like that They said The general feeling was Not amongst I've got to say Charlie was a defender Oh man I love that kid Charlie is like, have what you want, Dad. That's what I love about it.

In fact, they all have what you want. The point is they don't agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I should be having a mullet at my age. What did I think you're just kind of like a short-backing size? You're not a guy who conforms. What I should do is be proud of the fact that you're this renegade, a maverick, if you will. Oh, yeah.

But I don't think it's maverick to do something that people 15 years younger than you were doing. Yeah, but there's loads of different things that while you've got it, flaunt it. You should do that with your moustache as well get one of those little turn-ups. There's a guy at the theatre called Lincoln who's got the full tash with like it, go through it like that. Lincoln's such a cool name.

I know. And he's got 1.4 million followers on TikTok. What's he? He does cocktails. Can I just say, if your name's Lincoln, yeah. Yes, so that I've never been able to live up to being called Lincoln. No, unless it's the town, that's shit.

Oh, wow, Lincoln's amazing. I'm there on my new tour. I'm at the... I'm joking. It just popped to demand. Yeah, it's a great turn. and I delivered it. That's what I do on here.

I'm a banter cannon. It's... Banner cannon. Oh my God. I don't want to get a few... I'm going to get you an Arsenal shirt with the Bantan and then Banta Canon. The banter canon written on the back.

Number one. So Lincoln, I'm kind of obsessed with him. Yeah, nice guy. Really nice guy. Yeah, sounds amazing. Every like, about four times during the run he's put on a cocktail night. Wow.

At the theatre. Very nice. Was he, he, he's a barman? No, he works at the theatre front of house. Oh my God. Yeah. He's 1.4 million?

I think it's one and a half million for something like that. Because he's a cool guy. Yeah, he's really nice guy as well. Imagine he's got a genet. And his energy is good as well. Of course. Yeah. He's owned his name.

Vibes. Fibes. Where does he know? Lincoln, what? Don't know. He doesn't really need it. He doesn't really need it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. If you've got, if you're called Lincoln and you don't, that's why I worry about people like Lincoln, even like some Kieran's, I know, who haven't been able to live up to that name. What's there to live up to, no disrespect to any Kieran's, but what's there to live up with Kieran? Well, I know a guy called Kieran, which I think, he's lived up to his name.

Can we bleep that out? I think he's like one of the coolest people I've ever met. Right, in what way? He's just fucking epic. He's good at, like, he does sort of Mai Tai, he does Krabbogra. Jesus, Christ, he's a really good director. What do you think is cool is so fucking sad? What's wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with it, but that's not the thing, like, he does Mai Tai. He's got really, really, really soft skin. If you stroke his skin, it's like silk. And he's like our age. It's like literally, he must butter his skin every night. It's beautiful. Where are you stroking him? His arms, his back.

His back? Yeah. I've rub my hand off his back as a joke, but just also. If I was walking alongside you and like, the path narrowed. And I put my hand on your back to guide you through. What would you think of that? Would that cause a reaction to me? I'd probably go like that at first.

It's too much, isn't it? No, I think that's a nice gesture. It's slightly sexual, isn't it? No. Not if I haven't seen that the alley's thinning, and I'm sort of chatting to you about saying, and then you just do it in a really, like, gentle way. Yeah.

That's okay. And you know what you should say? I think you'd comment. Oh, I'd say something. I'd say, thank you, well. I think what you're doing is you've been slightly performative for the podcast if you don't remember me. I'd say thank you.

Oh, cheers, mate. Yeah, okay. Well, what do you want me to do? I'm around and give you a full-long kiss. Do you know, I think you'd do? I think you're not a drink first Which is notoriously how I attract

They sort of pulled my wife Yeah The other thing that So the mullet gate There's a three things I want to talk about So you're on the floor a little bit from mullet gate You're questioning Well I'm not on the floor

The truth is I've slightly over-egged it Because if I did If I now decide to go and get a mullet They would just accept it It's not like they're being prescriptive No They're just expressing an opinion Yeah

But if I did it, they just go, that's what he wants to happen. Do you know what I mean? They're not going to like, that's the end of the conversation. They must say that you're not like a normal dad. What does that mean? Well, you're cool. You're out there. You've still got some skin in the game, I guess is what I'm saying. Well, I'll tell you about another thing to do that, actually.

Anyway, the other thing is Lisa has now got fed up officially. With what? The amount of clothes I've got. Oh, wow. Yeah, I've been three of. I'm now, as of this morning, I've been told I'm a one-in-one-out guy. mate i've been on that flex for a year it's a killer

can i say by the way i do actually sympathise with you as well you got two big podcasts now so you have like you've got to have four different outfits at least a week sure but i do think you know you can wear the stuff again of course you go yeah yeah some people you know there was a time when you didn't people didn't wear anything more than once on tv

no or on podcast i mean podcast but then you but you've also got a lot of attractive clothing i'm looking at your outfit now it's very sick. Slightly muttony, isn't it? What do you mean? Arguably, I'm too hard to be wearing the same for it.

One of my recent things is where I've made a promise to myself whenever you put yourself down I want to pick you back up. Do you think I put myself down a lot? I'm there that you were picking yourself down. You said muttony. I'm making an observation.

But you look good in clothes. Thank you. Well, I mean that is... You wear clothes well. I definitely look better clothes than naked. I've seen you both. No, you look fucking good in clothes. You're still making up your mind, don't you?

No, like. you more in clothes than naked. You like me more in clothes than naked? If I had to, if we shot this naked, I'm not, I'm not suggesting me, I mean, look, you'd have to burn these chairs after every fucking episode. Especially with my asses at the moment.

It's just like a fucking line of scorched earth down the middle of the seat. These would pick up everything. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. This is like, yeah. Imagine putting a gooch on one of these. Even if you just had a general sprinkling,

you couldn't trust a fart on this chair 100% right I mean I don't trust the fart most of the time You know I'm at a time in my life now I genuinely I'm like I can't trust this Yeah I've started holding in farts I never used to do that

Yeah I'm fully aware of that Don't make it out like It's an exclusive No no I'm like fucking hell So what do you mean So do you need to fight What's your current If you put it out of 10

What's your current need to fart What now? Yeah. A three. Right. You say you could fart if required? No. I'm not, by the way, I'm not asking.

No, no, but now I'm at a point in my life where I've always just taken the fact that I can fart whenever I want as like, well. As what? Yeah, I've just taken it for granted, I guess. You're sure? Now I'm like, no, this could go either way. Yeah. So you hold them in. I've started holding, which is actually really bad for you.

Yeah. Because it's really, what you're doing to your sort of insides. Essentially, it's like, you know, we're like in a film where they put a bomb and it's sort of like, you know, I like the end of Batman, the last Batman, when he's got a big bomb and he flies it into the sea. That's what you're doing, basically. It's your stomach. It's such a long description for that example.

Just say it's like a bomb. Why do you need to do the bit? No, it's a bomb that, yeah, but you're thinking, you think it's because you're not letting it out to explode into the ether. You're containing it with inside yourself. So it's like, yeah, it's fucking dangerous. I don't think it is that bad. Yeah, man, imagine that.

I think you'd have to be holding it in for a long time for it to be an issue. Can I say, well, I've seen the force that a fight comes out of your ass. You've fired in front of you. I know that you've got a big fart in you. How many times have you seen me fight in front of you? Seven? That's such a lie. You're such a lie.

How many times I've fired in front of you? Hundreds. You know that I've got, I can amass some force. Yeah, sure. Imagine three of those going off internally. What's that doing to me? They don't go off internally, though. It's just an area of gas, isn't it?

Yeah, the gas goes back up inside me. And where? Back up into my bowels and my stomach, I'm guessing. And then it's exerting. I mean, we're doing, but there's no science in what we're talking about. Is that?

Yeah, I think, well, yeah, but it doesn't take a genius to work out it's got to explode somewhere. It doesn't have to explode somewhere. Right. If I clack my hands, right? Tom, what do you think's happening? Sorry, the way you're talking about farting

is like it's like a hammer on a gun setting off like gunpowder. That's basically what I'm starting the air. Yeah, and if you don't release the air, What happens? If I got a balloon and kept on full of the air and didn't go out to let a little bit out, what would happen? Do you just get to put more and more air to the blue? No, I get it.

I just don't think that happens with the human body. I think something else happens. Have you ever looked at your stomach and gone, oh, Christ, that's bigger in it, wasn't it? Yeah, every day. Every day, all day. And it makes me cry at night. Thanks for bringing it up. No, you must have a time where you think, like, oh, that looks a bit bigger.

And that's just air and gas. That's why I think, actually, I think there should be. like... You're just delivering stuff these are facts. This is speculate. I'll tell you what, if I was in power

in this country one of the things I'd do is I'd have... Clear out London, I know. What else? I'd have like a little essentially like a pub but it's where people

just go and fart. That is a fucking dreadful idea. No. It's all like really well aerated. Right? Yeah. They've got that. It's called outside.

No, but if you don't... Who the fuck is walking along going I need to fart where can I do hold on let me go in there into a building

where everybody goes to fart what the fuck you're talking about there's like different floors and stuff oh brilliant and what do you do depending on what flavor you think you're going to draw

no yeah but if you've got one you don't quite trust you just go I'll get up to floor and I'll go to the floor and that'll be on the ground floor okay that's an emergency

get into the ground floor yeah and there's like a couple toilets in there as well I don't know there's more than a couple of toilets. If it's exclusively for people who need to fart

and there's two toilets. And then there's one floor that's just got air just going through it so it just blows everything out. So it never smells. So it only blows out of one floor? No. Well, the other floors. There's only three floors. Yeah. And then we've got one floor it's just hot boxes.

Yeah, you like the smell. We just draft it into the third floor. That's the last thing we don't need to fart but it's like the smell of far. Now that would probably be the office stuff. Yeah. third floor. You need some people run in the place.

What are they doing? What are they supervising? Is there food there? Yeah, I mean, you bring your own pack lunch and stuff, I would imagine. You bring your own pack lunch to a three-floor

farting chamber with two toilets. I just think it's... Sometimes you do something and think, oh, there's a logic to what you're saying, but this is fucking mad. I just think a place you could go

and just let rip would be nice. Yeah, okay. But outside, bro? Yeah, but outside you sometimes can't. I've done it outside and seen people look at me in disgust. Sorry, you're clearing outside. I've heard people clear in a room. You're clearing outside.

Well, the other day I was walking down the street, I felt an urge to go. So I stopped and did that thing like, where you look like you're sort of like looking for a road that you can't find, so you stop and look around a bit. And then I just, because I couldn't walk and do it at the same time. Why not?

Because you don't know, that's the worst thing you can do. Why? Because the chafing and the, you know, if you're walking, you're bum, How try are your ass, Checks? I think you might be overtalking. No, but so I stopped, and as I stopped, this woman came behind me and sort of, and I let rip. Yeah.

And then she said, ooh, and just walked past. Yeah. Not my fight. It's not ideal. No, it's not my fight. Yeah, but okay. So say, for example, let me just, let's look at the logistics. By the way, I don't, I don't actually think this is a good enough idea to even discuss.

Okay, okay. Just full disclosure. All right. But we are discussing that. Yeah. If you were there and then you need to fart, you want to fart, right? I think I want to go to what are you going to call this place? I don't know.

The fart chamber, I think so. Okay, fart chamber, yeah. Great. Brilliant. I can't think of anything. No, actually, I don't think people will come in if they saw. I don't think you should call it chamber. No.

The guff lounge? The guff lounge? Guff lounge. Yeah. Guff lounge is good. I don't mind. That is the best thing you've said since you've introduced this whole idea. Yeah, the guff lounge.

Yeah. If I am like 20 minutes walk away from the Guff Lounge. Yeah. How does this work? Well, you'd have to open up quite a few. It's something you'd have to. No, that makes sense. You open with what, a thousand branches.

Yeah. And then you'd have to get people to spend like a gym membership. Right, right, right. So you subscribe to the Guff Lounge. So you're paying a membership to Guff Lounge. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

10 pound a month, probably. But how long is your normal window of opportunity between needing a fart and farting? I think you know, as soon as one's rumbling, you kind of want to be. You want to basically be within, half a mile of one wherever you are. Yeah, sure.

So your business model is that you're never more than half a mile away from a guff lounge. That's the idea. Yeah. So wherever, yeah. I think it's a bold starting point. Yeah, I mean, you'd need some serious infrastructure and some serious investment. You need more guff lounges than Starbucks. By the way, not eventually.

It's a lot of, yeah. It's to start. But also, how many buildings you see in, like, in a city's? Right, you don't need a mountain cities. It's mainly a city thing. What, it's farting? No, but farting. Like, once you're in a little village, it's fine.

You've got loads of space, cows and stuff that make smells anyway. I'm saying once you're in the thick of it. Isn't this a better idea? Yeah. Instead of having, opening guff lounges, you have a guff pod that can be installed in pubs and stuff like that. Oh, my God. or an old phone boxes. Yeah, and it's got like a...

That's what it is. It's just get an old phone box. And so like, if somebody's got to fart, they can just pop in there. Oh my God, that's fucking sick. See? This is when Great Minds start working together. If you...

But you know what? You know, all the old, like, phone boxes we see then, they've got no people's graffiti. They've got an old prostitutes number in them. Yeah, it's sad that they're being used on there. Let's fart in them. And respect London's traditions. Or you know what?

You could make it mobile. Yeah, that's a good shout. Yeah, you just have one that goes around. What are you after? I got a bit of a chunky one coming out. Okay, jump in the back, mate. Do you want to sit here, mate, or do you want to go for a little drive when you're doing it?

You want to see a bit of London? Yeah, not bad idea, maybe. See, there's variables. And what I love about this is I'm open to chat and I'm open to different ideas as a CEO. So anyway, your second. So you've got the clothes one in one out, right? So the haircuts the first thing.

Yeah, so we started this, by the way, saying that you feel like mutton. Just in this outfit, is that? You look great. Great. You look great as well, though. You always look great, though. I've never known you to not look great,

except for King Gary. Yeah, but the one in one and out, I don't actually think it's a bad thing. Yeah. Because it forces you to look through stuff. So where's out for you? Where does that go? Charity, or vinted,

depending on what it is. I do think there is a strong argument, if I could get serious for a minute, to think a bit more about when you buy clothes. I've actually started doing that quite like that. I did six months without buying anything new once. That's good.

But also we'll say that it's like anything, right? Is that the most out of touch thing I've ever said? Yeah, but it's also extremism. What is? That, because you're like six months, I'm not going to buy a thing. Yeah, as an experiment. You're trying to reset the...

But then you finish the six months and just then you probably went out and bought those of stuff. I bought about a year's worth of gear, yeah. Yeah, because you've had six months. I don't know. I bought it for six months. I was just playing along. Yeah.

But you know what it is, I think, I think, number one, I think when I look at stuff, I have to now, I used to buy stuff that looked exactly the same as other stuff of God. Oh yeah, I've done that. Yeah, I mean, I, the number of black hoodies I've purchased in my life. Gray hoodies as well. Yeah. But a grey hoodie goes with every. You just need one good grey, one good. Yeah.

Caps of wardroes, man. Yeah. Absolutely, man. Do you, how many, you're not even on Instagram anymore. No. Instagram. And I'm going to tell you this now, it's a hell of a life. I don't think I could give it up.

Although, yeah. What are you getting, okay, if you go on Instagram, how often you go on Instagram do you think? Too often. But how many times? What a day. Yeah, 20? Yeah, probably.

Yeah. You're on there for about what, 10, 50 minutes a time? Probably. So, spending a good proportion of your day, just scrolling. After you do that, how do you feel? Depends what I've been looking at. Sometimes enlightened, sometimes empty. Sometimes just like, yeah.

So one in one hour. out. Yeah. When does this start? Now. Wow. I was told this morning. You know what you should do to really make her happy?

What? Leave? No, come on. Come on. She needs you. Oh, you're doing this. You're doing this thing, aren't you? Yeah.

Okay. You know what you should do? What? You should get home. Yeah. You go home, babe. And you go to your room and get a black pin bag and just pick out the stuff. All of her stuff.

The fucking burn it. You're out. See you're like. Ungrateful witch. Between me and the clothes, you and the clothes, guess who fucking wins every time, sweetheart.

Yeah, I'll be on my own, but I'll look fucking funky fresh. Shouldn't have a problem of finding a new damsel when you look as fucking swaggy as this, staff? No,

you should go in, pick up your stuff that you don't wear or you're, you've fallen out of love with and make a real, make her, because that will make her feel amazing.

Yeah. Because you've listened. Yeah. Half the thing about relationships you've got to listen. Yeah. When she comes in, you're sitting watching

whatever you watch in the evenings, like Arsenal or whatever. And she goes, well, you watch her, she's like, Arsenal playing earlier this show. He's only in any of this bit in the conversation. And she's like, I'm just going to head upstairs. And you're like, all right, you might want to look by the back door.

I think you'll have a surprise that you'll like. As you go over the back door and you've got like five big bin bags full of clothes that you're like going to give to charity. She would literally come in and go, oh my God. Ron, that's so sweet. Tom, if I say to Lisa, there's a surprise. you might like. And that surprise is

that I've put some of the clothes that I don't want in a fucking bin bag. Where do you think the level of expectation is in my relationship? She walks in

I think we might be having sex tonight. You're going to be pretty pleased with what I've got lined up for you by the back door. She goes out there

thinking I've got her something. It's fucking five bib bags of my own shit. I'm going what do you think about that, though?

Yeah. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, really good. Thank you for building up to it in the way that you did. Can you put some trousers on? I thought it might be something that might actually make me love you again.

Anyway, so that's the second thing. Yeah, so there's more, due. So the third, because I'm worried that you've actually got something to suck. Anyway, I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, look, you've got a shit. This is what this podcast is.

It's not all about, it's not always at all right? Sometimes, I debunk, you debunk. Yeah. We're here to get the stuff off our shop. I'm here for you. Okay, great. Thank you. I need you to know that.

Why are you being so supportive today? Because I know, do you know what? Yeah, because something's happened. I'm going to tell you what it is. I'm going to tell you what it is. I've had a, through this illness, I've had a moment of enlightenment. I said to Catherine, do you know how special Rom is? Your birthday present this year from me is very special, genuinely.

I think my, I didn't think I could love you anymore. But how you were to me. No, I swear. I said to your brother the other day. I said I just, that's it for me now I don't think I need another friend I could just chalk all the other side I don't think I'm not ready to be your only friend

it's very sweet I haven't got the time bro I can see you're turning up at the theatre every night hey mate you're right yeah I thought you might want to hang out again well you were sort of here before the play

weren't you and I thought we'd sort of got our little checking done then Talked about yourself. While you're on stage, I was like some other things popped into my head. I can see you. And the side. I can see you in the wings, waiting.

Also, you don't have to wait at the back with the sign. I know you're there. You've got my phone number, haven't you? I can see you're in disarrant. I want to be there for you. That's really sweet. That's very sweet. So third thing, hit me up.

When the play finishes, Yeah. Lisa and the boys going on holiday. What? Without me. What? exactly egg

when the play finishes Lee yeah fuck where they going when Charlie's got that Swakes Charlie's earning no mate

he's based on he's probably pound for pound the bigger earner now but Wolfanel versus Oliver yeah oh yeah

he's the biggest star in the house no in all truth this drama club they're going to they're doing like a parents and kids kind of get together

Are you not going? Is that because you're on a shrank of Nathan or because you're... No, it's because I'm like, I'm never there. So I don't... Do you know what I mean? Like, some of the parents are like have become a social group. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not part of that social group, so I'm not invited. Oh, man. I've told some of the people... Where are they going? Lanzarotti. I've told some of the people on the play and they think that I've got a serious issue in my family. What?

I need to have a chat about that. You know what you should do? Turn up to Lanzarotti without... That's a terrible idea. mate, no way, that cannot go wrong. That's a dreadful, dreadful idea. Mate, you turning up and going, Fantan wrong's here, and then just go back to party room for one last weekend.

I just threw that in as a little way. I don't actually mind. But it's going to be, the reason I mention it is... The house will be empty without them. Well, I'm going to be my own in the house for a week. A week? Yeah. What are you going to do?

Don't know. Well, I think we... What do you mean? What do you mean? I think, knowing that you've got a bit of time on your hands. Yeah. Yeah. You'll be getting yourself a little bit of peace and quiet if you know.

Yeah, I'm very much going to be cock in sock. No, I'm not doing that anymore. You're not masturbating? No. You're not masturbating? Why not? It's not dangerous. You're not masturbating?

Somebody told me that at our age, when he's supposed to ejaculate twice a month. What? Yeah. Who told you that? I don't want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk about who told me. Just accept. Josh. No.

When I finished on. Josh's face a third time. I'll be careful of that, right? You've got to lose some of your spirit energy if you keep wanking on me. Anyway, it's supposed to ejaculate twice a month. Maximum. Wow.

Yeah. Fucking out. That's mad. Yeah. Maximum? Maximum, yeah. Yeah. Are you sure it's not minimum? Maybe it is. Maximum seems crazy.

Can we just look this up? How many times are you supposed to ejaculate it? How old are you? 46 you're 47 47 this is the sort of stuff maybe we should cover more

we are covering it right now you don't have to sort of lament it as it's happening oh good at exactly he's 21 times per month to be linked to a low prostate cancer oh fuck

Jesus Christ can we take a break yeah I thought too to how have you been doing it I'm backed up then man of course you well

do you know what one of the covers might have to do the play tonight I'm, fuck me, man. I've got about like a thousand wanks like. How long have you been doing the two? Four months? Fuck.

Yeah. So it's like 80. I'm not including sex. Yeah. So that's like, was it four months? So that's happened once. So fucking out 80. You're 80 behind.

I'm 80 wanks in the hole. Yeah. Bomb the bum. That's mental one. Fuck, man. What should I do? have you got to wait to yourself Jesus Christ

They're going to have to burn the fucking house down Have you got the dogs to look after Yeah I've got the dogs to look after yeah They've got a little like little job But they're like a side mission The dogs are of the They're at this stage now where they're pretty chill Could you don't we have to take for a walk every day though

Yeah but apart from that Do you walk around your rounds or take them Don't do them Don't do this when you You used to be able to do this before you move to the most affluent place in the country. Now, just fucking relax yourself, all right? I saw the video of you getting the sauna put in your back garden.

Who, but when did you see the video? You posted it, by the way, to get, obviously to get a discount. Yeah, I did, I. I just get a little bit of a... So, Tom, how are you? I'm good. I had a weird predicament. So, Grace has started to go. Great.

Congratulations. Yeah, we've got some friends with... We've started to get some friends with people that we know through... the school. And one of the mums from gracious class, we've sort of been

some parties and whatever together. So she, I've seen that she gets the same train as I do in the morning that I'm going to the office. And so we've been

at a party on this Saturday. On the Monday, I see it at the train station and I sort of say hello. And we're chatting a bit as the train pulls in. And as we both go to get on the carriage,

she just went, oh, I'm not doing this. And I was like, pardon? And she went, I'm not going to, I don't want this become a thing where we're sort of friends, we know each other. So we end up sitting together on the train every day because this is my time. I like 20 minutes just to relax, just to get my head together. So I'm not.

And I was like, I'm going to tell you that. I'm just the coolest thing I've ever seen. She was really sweet when she said it. But she was like, this is my time to sit. I want to listen to some music. And otherwise what happens is we start chatting and every day. We end up just sitting together. talking about bullshit

it was like she was so flippant as she said it she didn't got on I kind of went cool okay I went sort of sat sort of on the carriage next next to hers but um it was you know when someone's unapologetically

unapologetically I'm beginning to get an idea why she wanted to sit on her own no but she was so like just straight to the point she just said what she meant she wasn't rude yeah no she was really sweet

she was firm but polite I literally was like so fast forward on to the Thursday there's a guy that I've sort of seen a couple of times at my golf club. We all know how this is going to go. And I've sort of seen him

a bit around and we've chatted a few times. But he's very irritating. I don't necessarily agree with some of his political views and some of his and he sort of comes up and he always does that sort of we're a big man, who are a big man, couldn't miss you on the Yale platform.

And it's the train pool. I hate that shit. I turn around and as he comes to get on with me, I said, oh, sorry, man. I don't want to offend you, but let's not make it. I like to listen to music. I've got some work to do. So I don't want to make this a thing.

And he went, what do you mean? And I went, like, sitting with each other. I just, you know, I've got stuff to do. And he was like, all right, fucking hell. And he just literally, so upset. And he just walked off and walked, like, got into another carriage. And as we got off the train, I felt, so bad the whole way there thinking I'm really upset him I didn't mean to I just wanted this

sort of me to also I found him quite irritating so then um when we got the train stops I ran up behind him and so well yeah sorry mate and he went you know Tom Tom this is by the way I don't know what you're about to say this is such a mistake yeah I know it's this is why I'm airing it now okay I told Catherine I think Catherine had the massive ick by this yeah sure um she had it to her list and now go it's ever growing yeah And I said, sorry, man. And he went, no, it's fine, mate. It's fine.

And I was like, yeah, no, no. It's just that, you know, I had sort of stuff to do. Yeah. So he said it again? Yeah. This is so bad. And then because we're sort of in the same, you know, the pace when you're leaving a train, you all sort of walk at the same pace.

Yeah. We're then sort of walking next to each other. And then I found myself overcompensating with Small Talk. And he was just so, he was clearly really offended, upset. So I was like, um, Oh, but he asked him at the weekend, huh? And he was like, yeah. Usually he really loves chatting about football.

Football was off the table. It's like trying to talk about the boxing. Nothing. He's clearly being offended. And now I haven't been back to the golf club, but I'm like, he goes down there all the time. So he probably blotted my copy book and said, guess who I was bloody saw the training the other day?

He was really rude. Old Tom Davis. That's a lot that. What would you have done? I do have a thought I've got an opinion but I don't in my opinion

you didn't do anything wrong yeah but I didn't you know what it is the assertive way that she just said when she said it I was like in no doubt what she said was saying the way I did it there was almost like

I didn't have that assertiveness fine but I think that's also smiling through it all yeah that's fine I think it's your perception you and her, wherever you think, whatever the tone or whatever, you did the same thing.

Yeah. Right? The only difference is is that when she did it, she was talking to you. Yeah. And when you did it, you were talking to him.

I'm just giving you my opinion. Yeah. Right. So she said to you this. Yeah. And you've gone, actually, I respect you for saying that. Yeah.

Da, da, da, da, da. Right. Because you got a level of, you might not believe it, but that shows a level of security. Yeah. Right. Where you've gone, fair enough.

Yeah. You know. then you've said that to the guy this is my opinion you have been polite and expressed what you want to happen as soon as you've said that you lose control of that thing

it's not up to you how he receives that right now what he's done is he's taken that in an insecure way and he's allowed it to upset him you shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that's your fault okay you you've expressed it politely, you've said what you think should happen, and he's got upset about it, possibly. I don't know, you know, from what you're...

Oh, no, he's, yeah. So he's upset about it. That's on him. He's not answered any of my texts. Well, okay, but that's on him. That's not on you. Yeah. Yeah, but then I feel like, was it, like, was it a maverick move to try? No? The only thing I do think, the mistake you made was to go up to him

afterwards. Yeah, no. Because then, because then it looks like you've got something to be... The need I have. like in that situation to think oh I've upset someone and potentially like giving them a bad start of the day I couldn't focus on anything else for the rest of that day

in the back of my head I'm like why did I do that? Well you know I just suffered it for 20 minutes This is the concept of the first and second arrow What's you mean? So like when you said that to him Yeah

And he got upset yeah That's the first arrow right Right and that's the What is me firing an hour? No, like I'm talking about your things that happen to you, like an arrow to you, right? Yeah. So him being upset about it is the first arrow, okay? I mean, my understanding is this is pretty lame.

And then you have to go, shit, he didn't take that very well. And then it's in your hands to draw a line under it and get on with your day. It's a shame that it didn't take it very well. What am I going to do? What you did was you took a second arrow and you fired it into yourself going, fucking hell, I'm such a prick for doing that and you allowed your whole day to be ruined. That was your choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so it's like that, this is just what I don't really know. But like, so the whole thing is like, you take the sting of the first thing and you go, shit, that didn't go how I hoped it would go. Yeah. But that's what I wanted to say. I've said it. I'm not in control of how he receives it. And then

you go off and you get on with your day. What you've allowed to happen is, it's not his fault. What you, what you, no, no, no, no. But what I'm saying is like, and I'm by the way, I'm something who does this all the time. You've then allowed that thing to fuck up your whole day. And that is, it's like hitting yourself over the head with a brick. You didn't have to do that.

No, no, but this is such an interesting thing. Yeah. Because I've literally, I made a decision to do that. Yeah. Do you know how many times? I make that decision all the time. And then I've gone, oh shit, and it's sat with me now. Yeah.

And also, by the way, this is someone I might see, you know, but he's like a cloud in my life. like I feel like this isn't his fault by the way it's someone that I if I'd spent 20 minutes with him on the train I'd never even thought about it again but now all I can think of is like I've really pissed him off

that was my bad that was like so now I'm like I don't really want him to I didn't dislike him and I didn't you know I found him slightly frustrating and quite annoying at times but I didn't like it wasn't someone I wanted to upset What's his full name? I'm not going to give you his full name that was a test well done

but the thing is is actually you did the right thing because you got one of two things happen here what did you want to happen you wanted to not have to talk to him on the train every time you've achieved that what I wanted was him to go oh I'll get that no no no but the main goal

was for him to not talk to you on the train you've achieved that yeah so you shot you scored yeah right if you hadn't have done that you're now talking to him on the train every day. So actually what you've done has made your life better. By the way, it's not just a train.

Whenever I used to see him, he works near me, so he'd end up walking. Yeah, so there you go. You've absolutely smashed it. It's just a story about you smashing out of this. Well, yeah, I mean, I've literally... Somebody did something cool. Yeah.

This is the way you report this story. Somebody did something cool. I've copied the call. You've admired it. Yeah. You use it in your own life and it worked. Yeah. I mean, it's not as good for the podcast,

but I'm just trying to, I'm trying to I'm trying to give you some life advice. I look at those things and I just think there's a way of delivering stuff that's more assertive. Well, you get better as you do. You know, but the...

You're good at that shit. No? Are you not? No. I mean, I would do that if I'm backed into a corner but, you know, I think probably...

The honest truth of it is when you said you did that, I've got nothing but respect for you. Well, thank you, man. It's like a brave thing to do. Yeah. You showed courage. Wow.

And you've achieved a result. You've gone up in my estimation. And believe me, you're already fucking sky high. Wow. Well, thank you. This is a very positive. You did something that I found surprising. And I'm very rarely surprised by you.

I know you're a schick. Yeah. No, I'm checking. But what I'm saying is, it's an amazing thing you did, man. I feel good. It's great. I can relax now. Yeah, you should just chill.

I'm not going to text him again now. No, don't. Leave it. That's on him, man. That's not on you. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Okay.

That was great, wasn't it? It's a lot of fun. All right. Tom. Is it that time? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I know it's that time. How do you know it's that time? I've just can feel it in my...

You know, like, how you've... I've got no idea whether we've done 20 minutes or we've done it. No, but you know, you can feel how long a comedy set is? Yeah. Yeah, that's how I feel when we're doing this podcast. I have no idea. Okay. I knew it was time.

So don't go... Don't look over there. Well, Sweet John is... You can see Sweet John, by the way. Yeah, but he's not doing anything. Sweet John is... Can I tell you, should I do an impression of John for you during this podcast? Right, and birthday,

for all the people in the office. Sweet John is a diamond. Yeah, he's great. They put your hands together for Sweet John. I mean, I know they've made a good set. The idea that people think there's a studio audience here who have been completely silent for the entire duration. No, but if you're walking down the street,

actually, this is going to be my sum up. Okay, go. Tom, could you take us out, please? What is praise? A clammy hand on the back, a busy day in the office. A kid running up to you in the playground and say, hey, thanks, Mr. Ranganathan. I feel I could take on the world with you in my corner.

Great praise. But sometimes the praise that you really need is sent out in the ether. I don't know, maybe it's a quiet, sweet soul sitting in the corner of a studio. Hands on knobs, just making the sound. Sounds so, so sweet. You definitely can't see him. Anyway, go on. Maybe he needs a little bit of that.

How can I make John feel good today? How can I make Bill from the office from it feel good? What I want you to do as you're walking down the street now, just close your eyes. Stop actually first. I do this where you're walking. Just stop for a second. Lean coolly upon a short window.

And just think about something positive, someone positive in your life. Send them some vibes. And you know what? There's a chance of where that person is. They might need those vibes at that very. moment. Spread love spread joy. Hey

friend. Spread some positivity. There we go. Johnny boy, that one's for you baby. All right. We knew that. Do you think there's any point during that and sat there's going, I wonder what this is about? Feels like it's directed

to me, but he's doing it so subtly. That has been the Wolf for now. Please do email in if you'd like Wolfelpod at gmail.com with anything you like. And please do like and subscribe wherever you get your podcast. Boom. Peace out.