Wolf and Owl - Viagra, Phone Voices, Farting Furniture - and other listener dilemmas

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

How do you explain Viagra falling out of your pocket? Is it true that 70% of chairs make a fart noise when you sit on them? How posh is your phone voice (and can we role play)? Today we tackle subjects inspired by emails from the animal pack we've been sent this week. Send in your questions to [e-mail] for the chance to have them answered in an upcoming episode. A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. 00:00 Intro 00:50 Viagra 05:13 Imaginary friends and rivalries 10:53 Phone voice role-play 18:16 Would you rather...? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We'd love to talk. Business. Marvel Television's Wonder Man An eight-episode series, now streaming on Disney Plus. A superhero remake, not exactly what we'd expect from an Oscar winning director. Action! Simon Williams, audition for Wonder Man. I'm gonna need you to sign this.

Assuming you don't have superpowers. I'll never work again if anyone found out. My lips are sealed. Marvel Television's Wonder Man. All eight episodes now streaming, only on Disney Plus. Yeah, what you want, beak or jaws, feathers or fur, sharp teeth or feet with claws, whatever's prefer. In his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome to the Wolf and our bonus episode, where we focus purely on emails and answer your queries and maybe reflect on some thoughts.

What do you think? I thought, I just thought I just thought I was got no water. That's funny. That's a funny start. That was a good funny start, doing a bit of physical comedy to kick it off. It wouldn't have been funny on the old days. Wouldn't have to do that on the old apps? No.

No. The wood's studio now. You can see it. A little pick of water. You can see a little bit of physical comms. Do you ever get out dry mouth? Like the white, I've got claggy lips.

Cote bridges. Mm. Yeah, sometimes. Mm. What are you doing now? I've just got a bit of clag on my lip. I started getting into lip balm.

Yeah, that's a really dangerous thing. That's what I've heard. Yeah. So it's addictive, right? Yeah. And then your lips dry when you don't use it. Yeah. And then eventually.

Just a strain. What do you mean? Well, once you start replacing it with TRT. Yeah. You can never go up on your own again. Is that true? Yeah. Oh my God, but I was thinking about doing TRT.

I want to wake up with a raging hard on. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Those days ago. My one's sort of like... A bit of wind could take it away. That's where I'm at now. It's like... Do you know what my erections are like in the morning?

You know, there's inflatable guys that have outside tire shops? That's what I'm ripping. You know, when you go on a ferry, and you've got someone who sort of stands up for a bar store, and they just can't quite get in. I think I'm at the stage now I probably need a splint. You should get Viagra and try that. I have got Viagra.

Have you? There's so weird that you're saying this. So I don't know if I'm allowed to tell this story actually. Anyway, I won't name the person. Yeah. Somebody that works on the play. Yeah. Has taken Viagra, right?

Yeah. So one day we were talking about it. It just came up in conversation, Viagra. Right. Now, full disclosure, I don't actually... I can straight away. There's only two other people this could be in the play. Cast or crew?

Oh, okay, okay, cool. So, we're talking. Yeah. And, um, I don't wait, this is a hell of a thing to start happen with the bread. Well, I don't know why. I don't know how it can. It felt like it came out quite organically. Anyway, we started talking about Viagra.

And, um, he was saying, I've used it, right? And he said, for him, it wasn't really the miracle. He's not got erect, but he just thought it would be fun to do it, like a little bit of fun. Yeah, I mean, it's a thing for most guys of our age. Yeah, yeah. Have a little go on some Viagra. Yeah, but also, yeah. So anyway.

The motor isn't running quite as it used. do this. It's that, it's that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you don't like what you're trying up to fall asleep on a strange. Yeah, yeah, that's what.

Mine's like, it's 1 a.m. You're driving back from a gig in Exeter. Is that? That's what my erection's like. So, mine's sometimes like I'm walking back from a gig in Sydney.

I just don't know and had a sleep on a life raft. Yeah, it's not ferocious. You know, like when you see guys that just fucking hang a towel off of it. I could probably do that with a flam. But you're watching a lot of porn. Or a kitchen towel. I've told you I'm off the porn.

That's what porn will do for you. Anyway, so we chatted about Viagra. And then one day, he just said to me, I've brought you in a couple of Viagras. And he said, see what you think. That's a nice guy. And really nice guy. So I put them on my pocket. Went home.

In my pocket. I was going to say, you'd have slaughtered me for that. Did I say on my pocket? On my pocket? Yeah, on my pocket. It's like a little thing. So that everyone in the theatre knew what I was about. This little signal of intent. Why don't you put those vigerers in your pocket? I always like to put them in.

No, no, no, no. I think you know what I've got them here. Anyway, I went home, took my trousers off. Sort of put them to one side and forgot I had the viagra in my pocket. Oh, okay. Anyway, long story short, that ship has sailed. Yeah. I then had to explain to Lisa.

Viagra. Jeez. And that story that I'm telling you sounds plausible if you hear it like that. If you hear it like that. It doesn't sound plausible

after you found Viagra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's where we're at. Oh, God. Come back, baby. Oh, wow. Anyway. And also, the Viagra is almost for her

as much as it is for you. Yeah, potentially. Yeah. But I was planning on using it while she was away. On your own? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay. Alex is out of friends. Charlie's doing his play. Can he do me a favour? If I start to talk about Viagra and being on my own, leave it 20 minutes before we say any of my children's names, yeah? No, no, no. On your own, then call me.

Just dropped to Viagra. Why don't you talk about something? You up? Can you do one of your closers? Okay, should we do it? We haven't done a fucking email yet. Hello, Wolf, for now. This might reveal something about me.

I have imaginary rivalries with people who have absolutely no idea I exist. There's a man in my gym who I've decided is my nemesis. We've never spoken. I just clock what weight he's lifting and quietly adjust mine. There's a dad at school drop-off who gives off organised energy and now I feel compelled to look marginally more together than him. I speed up walking on a pavement because if someone overtook me, I couldn't live with it.

None of these people know we're competing, but in my head it's a league table. Is this a healthy internal drive, or am I turning my daily life into a silent sports documentary? The relentless red panda. I actually love this energy. Do you? Yeah. Why?

I do this sometimes, this sort of thing. Sometimes. Not what? Like the thing, walking down the street, not then someone beat me, trying to walk quicker than someone. Putting yourself in a race situation. Yeah.

You can't really ever lose a race, but it's still a race. Yeah. You can't lose it. The other person doesn't know they're in a race. Yeah. But like, yeah, deciding someone's a race. nemesis or like the gym thing when I was going to a gym a lot yeah with the weights or whatever having a goal of someone better than you is quite you know I feel was quite

elevates yourself it's actually weird as well I went talking about imaginary stuff yeah it's got an old article I found that you know like an Instagram thing when you're not on there now but things pop up but there's an Instagram story about a guy who turned up at a police station and admitted that he'd killed his imaginary friend and wanted to be arrested for it. There's a lot to unpack there. Yeah, it's an insane story. So what did the police do? Let me read. This is the article. A man told himself into police

and demanded they give him the death penalty after admitted to murdering his imaginary friend, Mr. Happy. Seen here in tears, Jeff Gaylord, 37 from Florida. Really? By the way, pathetic by you. Can I...

I know that that's his name. I'm talking about your little snigger as you read it. Anyway... I just say Mr. Happy... This is one of the things that a teacher would go, that was a maturity test, you failed? Yeah, but Mr. Happy and Jeff Gaylord. By the way, no massive surprise that happened in Florida, but I'm from Florida. Told officers, he stabbed Mr. Happy to death with a knife,

carp his body with a hatchet and buried it in the victim in the backyard. Jacksonville officers took a drunk Gaylord into custody and obtained a search warrant for his house. Gaylord said one of the reasons he killed Mr. Happy was because he was so messy. He told officers his room was a mess all the time with his toilet. and dolls. Sounds like he had the wrong name. He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen, never picked up his

empty cocaine baggies, and left the toilet seat down when he peed. He messed with my apartment to the point where I couldn't get it clean. Before Hap... That's obviously Mr. Hapy. Started doing drugs and acting weird. He was my BFF. We go dancing, play on Children's Park equipment, both huge

fans of Doom Metal. We listened to it for hours with the lights off. Police found drug paraphernalia and a machine gun at Gaylord's home. he was charged with multiple offences. I don't know if he was charged by it with the killer. I suspect he wasn't. Yeah, but he was charged with, yeah.

Yeah, we had a machine got his house. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what the gun laws are in America at the moment. Yeah, in Florida, that's probably fucking issued at prime school. But it is like, just looking at this, you can get, so you can get two in your head where you're like making these imaginary scenarios. Yeah, sure. That's probably the most extreme version of that.

I mean, I would say is I think we're being slightly unfair. Yeah. to the relentless red panda to say oh by the way this reminds me of a story of a guy that hatcheted his imaginary friend yeah but I'm just saying you have to like because I

I get the competitive edge here and actually don't think there's a problem with that I think as long as you're not hurting anyone I think as long as the other people don't know that you're doing this I think it's fine actually what you're doing is you're trying to beat yourself by giving yourself little targets

and you're sort of going I want to lift more weights than that person the weightlifting thing I'm not entirely sure about because everybody's different and actually with weight lifting you should just be competing against yourself yeah just bettering your own score day by day yeah it's not well not day but I mean

that's quite a steep learning curve but you know at least week on week you should be trying to like up it yeah so but competing against somebody else's got completely different physical like for example you and I you lift much heavier weights than I do at moment I don't lift it a lot if we if we went to the gym and I tried to compete with you

you, I'd die. Yeah. So, you know. What isn't cool is if you compete with someone and then you walk up to the fair play mate, you smash me today on the way. Yeah. That's weird.

Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. But, so I don't actually think you're doing anything wrong with a I think it's great. Yeah. And also, by the way, a silent sports documentary, like a Netflix thing of like you thinking you're in a Netflix,

you know, like the last dance. And it's just a walk to Kingscross station. I do do that. I do do the internal monologues of like... It's the coolest thing in the world. It's so good. Well, you know when you put on a bit of music and it's like you're imagining that's on your montage for doing?

Oh, my God, that's one of the sexiest thoughts ever. Yeah. Really good. China in your hand and you're just going for it. Yeah. Is that what you call it? It's so long to do that. Okay, should we do the next one?

You read, baby. Thank you so much, Relentless Red Panda for your email. That's a lovely email. You've done nothing wrong. And also, can we just say that, yeah, we hope that Mr. Happy is. RIP. Yeah. Someone who had an imaginary friend, Tony Walsh.

I know that, yeah. Treat them kind. To my friends, the wool for now, I realise I have a completely different voice when I answer the phone. It's brighter, more energetic, slightly American. I don't know where it comes from.

The worst part is I can't seem to stop doing it. If someone calls unexpectedly, I go from normal human to radio presenter in half a second. Is this just politeness, or have I invented a second personality for telecommunications? That's from the vocal vol. I can't even remember. Aside you, I don't really ever talk to anyone on the phone.

Like, who's having that many phone calls now? How often do you speak to people on the phone? I could go days without. Yeah, I could go weeks without. Oh, I mean, apart from Lisa. Yeah, aside you and Lee, I speak to you hopefully once a week on the phone. I speak to Catherine a couple of times down the phone. My mom and dad once a week.

But I don't, if my phone, do you know what, I actually dread phone calls if it's not someone I'm like the people I've selected I can't I don't think I'd unless it was somebody I knew and in fact a lot of people I do know even there's no disrespect to them I probably I've

the number of times I've seen somebody call who I like yeah and consider a good friend yeah and I've still not answered their call I've sat in your your voice fails quite a few times it's no I would never do that to you that's your honest truth I'll never do that to you but yeah but then I also do get

the phone voicing in a sense of having that thing where you elevate your I do you know what I'm going to call Tom hello hello there this is Andy Perkins and I'm called Oh hello Andy

Hello there is that Tom Davis Yep Lovely to speak to you Listen I'm just calling vis-a-vis your self-assessment Oh Okay Thank you so much for calling Andy can you explain what's happening with it please mate

I'm quite up stress I've made myself quite ill with it yeah well yes we spoke to your wife about that actually why the fuck are you calling my wife Andy it's just there was a couple of receipt things that we yeah but how did you get my wife's number well she gave me the number

because she said sometimes I won't I'm able to get hold of you sorry Andy I'm completely confused from what Catherine says that's not that difficult You remind me of a prick that I know See, I don't change Well, it felt like you changed there Yeah, yeah, because Andy Perkins has been bloody calling Catherine

Yeah, I don't I think this is interesting about code switching Well, I think that Sometimes, if somebody is like a bit more middle class I feel like my voice slightly changes I go the opposite You guys super working? Yeah, I sort of

Because what, why? I think the chip on my show older sometimes. I certainly if I'm around my mates will go more and more and more working. Oh yeah. If I'm around my crawly friends is De base. De base. It's De base. I say things like de base. It's debauched

is what I'm trying to say. It's bass. There you go. I don't think there's ever a time where I try to sort of like sound more eloquent than I actually am because the only time I probably do it is on here and then I come on stuck quite frequently. So that's where I draw a line. I think, okay, no, let people know what you are. I go, hello, my name's Tom.

So I'm just being, yeah. Okay. Well, I don't think it's anything wrong with having a phone voice. What would be your, give me your poshous phone voice? I'll call you. All right. Hello, Rameshang and Ethan speaking. Wow.

What do you think? That's really nice. I mean, I probably wouldn't do that. quite camp as well. Was it? Yeah. Hello, Romish Rang and Nathan speaking. Oh, hello.

You're the Romish Rang and Ethan from TV? Yes. Oh, right, you sound a bit different. Oh, do I? Or sometimes, the phone can do that sometimes, but I'm not, no, no, no, no. You sound quite, yeah. Who is this I'm speaking to, by the way?

Lee Gribbons. Lee Grimmins. How can I help you? Oh, we did some plastered at your house. No, he didn't. Well, yeah, my brother and all did. Right. right Steve

yeah I remember Steve he did a great job yeah well yeah that's why we're calling he used some toxic plaster

by accident he used some stuff that can be quite contagious okay is he okay because the fact that you're calling sort of suggests that he might be dead

he's just in he's in Marrakesh he got married two weeks ago oh do pass on my congratulations yeah no no oh no he said you sent him a lovely gift

yes I did but also you know just you know please do tell him I hope it all went well yeah no no great he's really over the moon man I love him Marrakes

so yeah no he just said you probably had to take all the plastering down that they did and put it up some other stuff up again I'm not really in a position to do that is that something he's or you are willing to do or my other cousin Mickey can come around well are you guys qualified to do it

I can take it down I won't be out I'll put it up again mate I'm afraid of it's up yeah I'm sort of not that inclined to take it down without having someone in place to put it back up yeah but when it gets back from his my other cousin who originally did it I can't remember his name now

Steve when he comes around he could do it for you mate okay when is he back from Marrakech he's there for three weeks well I mean what's the sort of is it possible just leave it up for three weeks and then wait for him to come back

he's up to you know mate I just thought he told me he's actually told me two weeks ago but I've had loads of things on and I said oh yeah found an old back two weeks ago was he in Marrakesh no no no no but I didn't all his calls for him and stuff but you said you're calling me

Because he was in Marrakesh. Yeah, no, no, but he's in Marrakesh now. Originally, he was just getting married, as you know. Yeah, I do know. Yeah, I sent him a gift. So, yeah. And he sent me the gift of, what, death? No, no, it's not death.

It would just sort of probably cause some headaches. Yeah, somewhere it told his function. I don't know if you struggle with that. Yeah, well, actually, it's a bit like, you know, the inflatable guys that are the tire show? Oh, yeah, Steve mentioned. Steve mentioned. Yeah, he said. You were chatting to Lisa one afternoon.

Lisa? He was with Lisa having some biscuits and tea. Is that a euphemism? Steve's a bit of a cad, as you're aware. This is his third marriage. Second honeymoon to Marrakech. He went there for his first one as well. Anyhow.

How toxic is this, Lee? You don't have to worry too much. What I'd say, mate, is just stay out of that room as much as you can. Well, it's my bedroom. He said you've got five bedrooms in that. house. So just thinking.

I also got three children and two dogs. You'll maybe sleeping in with the dogs or one of the boys. Not sleeping

in with the dogs. Right. The truth is mate, I just swerve that until Big Steve's back, all right? Which is in three weeks?

Yeah, yeah. So stay out of my bedroom for three weeks. Or I can come around with... No, I don't want you to come around, Lee. Okay. Thank you for your time.

Cheers. Thank you, mate. Cheers. Happy, happy New Year. I've got time for one more. Would you like one more? Okay. Do you want to read?

All right, well, for now. Here's one for you. Would you rather, every time you sit down in public, a chair makes a loud theatrical fart noise, or every time you stand up, you have to announce what you're about to do what you're about to do like a town crier. There's no opting out.

This is permanent. I've been arguing my friends about this for two days, and I need adult input. The Bewilder Badger. Oh, wow. Do you know what? I actually think the town cryer thing would be pretty sick. when it says you have to announce what you do

does that mean what you're about what you're getting up to go and do? Yeah. So what you say is say, here, yeah, here, here, I'm having a piss. Yeah. Here you,

here you, I'm going to make a sandwich. Okay. I mean, do you know what I think that would get more annoying for other people than it would you?

I wouldn't want to have to say it. Yeah. Every time you've got to shout. Also, I've got to say, by the way, you find yourself sitting down less. 100%, which is good for you.

Yeah. So I think you'd actually probably get to. But that's true of either of them. Yeah, but also I'd say that probably what 70% of chairs make a farting noise Do they? 70% of chairs make a farting noise when you sit in them

Do they? Loads do, yeah. Okay, loads you've already backtrack now. 70% of all chairs in the world make a farting noise These chairs are lovely. Right, they do not make a farting noise. Get up and sit down? No, these don't.

Okay, right. That's two out of your thing. Every leather chair ever made makes a fart sound when you sit down. Mate, the air in the air them. They can't fucking leather chairs can't... A loud theatrical fart noise. Not a loud theatrical

fart noise. That's big. You get like a little squeak or whatever. A little... It's not like that. It doesn't sound like that. It doesn't sound like that either. Oh, maybe. You're getting closer now. Yeah? Yeah. That. Yeah. All right. That is...

But that's not what we're talking about. Okay. What you're saying, every time you sit down it goes... Yeah. There's no competition. You've got to go to town crier. You've got to go to town crier. I don't know. I think I might do the fart thing. Really?

Yeah. No, I think the town cry... Because I don't want to have to shout every time I'm getting up to do something. Also, I'm probably not going to sit down either if it's making a big fart noise. Yeah, but everyone turn around and goes... God, Rums a bit of an eccentric. Watch. Rom.

Go ahead of red, mate. Hey! Yeah, I'm going over to see what they want. Exactly. That's great. You'd be great at every party. I don't mind either. Do you know what?

I'm going to go for both. Wait until he goes and sits back down. That was funny. Right, we are done. Thank you so much sending your emails in. As always, subscribe, like, share. And when I say share, that's not just emails. That's pictures, funny drawings, songs that you've made.

We can, all of that is usable now. If you want to get in touch, you can email Wolfelpod at gmail.com. We will see you next time. Adios.