Wolf and Owl - Wikifeet, Football Manager and Pro Plus

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

What are Rom and Tom’s Wikifeet ratings? Can you play Football Manager and still have time to make humous? And who’s been taking Pro Plus in the club? The guys kick off with an apology for the amount of penis chat, rebel against allegations of corporate greed, and Romesh tries to talk about meditating but somehow ends up somewhere else entirely. Tom goes into detail about the spider bite on his foot, and erections turn out to be more of a running theme than anyone planned. Childish? Wolf and Owl? Never. Got a question, a confession, or a voice note you want read out? Send it to [e-mail] A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Romish Ranganathan. Hi, I'm Tom Davis. I hope that you do enjoy this episode of The Wolf and Al, and we're very grateful to all of you for listening, but I think it would be remiss of us to not make some reference to the content that you will find included in today's episode. Talk of Penises has frequented this episode, probably more than most. Are we ashamed of this?

Very much so. What has triggered this? allegations of corporate greed and that we are a corporate pair of whores. We try to rebel against that and in doing that, the very nature of this podcast has become gutter trash. I think that in our battle to ignore the criticism leveled at the podcast, what we've actually done is we've kowtowed to it. And in a sort of sad, desperate attempt to show that we weren't corporate,

we end up deciding to talk exclusively about base things. horrible things, smelly things. The point we're trying to make is that this has been, even for us, one of the baser episodes of The Wolf for now. We apologize. We're sorry. We will do better.

Or worse, we're completely governed by you. If you want this kind of level of base chat, we're more than happy to make that a new thing. Or if you want us to elevate it and make it a little bit more highbrow, we'll do that. Thank you so much for saying that. Tom. And thank you to you for listening and watching The Wolf and our podcast.

Thanks, guys. We hope that you will suffer our failures as well as enjoy our successes as we continue this little old journey that we call podcasting. Thanks, Fred. Yeah. Yeah, what do you want, beak or jaws, feathers or fur, sharp teeth or feet with claws, whatever's prefer. Just kidding every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome Welcome.

Welcome, friends. This little podcast we call The Wolf and Owl. First of all, let's deal with the complaints. Some people have got an issue. Are you reading the complaints? I do, I like to get feedback. You put your toes in.

Yeah. Well, I don't think we should act on it necessarily. No, we can't really, come on. Unless people are saying you're being horribly racist, in which case. Yeah. I'm not changing my whole tour show now. Yeah. Go deeper in, fucking up.

Anyway, first complaint, we shorten the song. Yeah, that's a big one, by the way. Yeah. And by the way, I'm not in the habit of throwing people under the bus, but I will in this case. And that was Ben Green. Ben Green's idea. He hated the song.

So Jeff Norcott, when we first got the song done, I played it to him. I was really proud of it. And not that I did it. There's a rumor going around that I'm the one rapping. It's not. It's Michael Payne. Shout out, Michael Payne.

Yeah. Anyway, so I played it to Jeff Norcourt, Georgiannork. Yeah. God, which is his real name. His stage name is Jeff. He wanted a bit more showbiz, do it for Jeff. Anyway, and he said to him, it's too long.

Really? And then regardless of that, because I loved it so much, we decided. Yeah, but I think people can skip through it if they want to skip through it. Yeah, but now, you can always go back to, if you want it, maybe we should put it, actually, should we put it up as like a separate,

we should put it up as a separate film. Maybe it's just something. Like a single. Like we put up just as a little video. I think that's a good idea. With me and you just dancing along to the video. That's a great idea. Yeah.

You know when it goes on Spotify and it goes switch to video? Yeah, yeah. And it's just me, you like bumping moves, that out. And then we kiss at the end. What you want, be your fever of foot. Whatever's preferred. Just getting really close up. You know, like when footballers, lips just touch to the camera.

Yeah. And then just breathe up on the lens. What's the other complaints? That we become corporate. It's fucking bananas. So basically, the first of the first. First of all, we've stolen this sheet from a hospital. Yeah, have we?

And we've got some 3D printed statues and now apparently we're corporate whores. Who do you think would be more corporate out of the two of us? I don't know, but I mean, what's corporate about the wolf and how? Oh no, don't bring that up. That's a rival brand. Hul, you're Gary Neville. I did it for the gag. Oh, no, the gag was great.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's a rival. How is your brand going by the way? Going all right. It's going to. Speaking of corporate dick sucking. Yeah, no. How's it going over at Mandrill?

We're a very small brand. Are you going to pay us for a read? You know, I was thinking actually we should, do we have to pay for my own podcast read? First of all, it's not your own podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast with me? Yeah, no, but if you do the read, I'd probably give you a cut of quid. Because you'd probably be better at doing a read than I'm.

Okay. What's the product range now? Electrolites, protein, and yeah, we've got some bottles as well. Okay, so it's electrolytes and protein. You've started off like it's a less, those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've got merch as well. You do creatine?

Yeah, creatine's incredible. Oh, good for you. Yeah, I know it is. Do you want some creatine? Yeah. Yeah, I'll get some creatine. Okay, great.

It's really good for you. Is it gummies or what? No, no, it's powder. Powder, okay. It's the best way. And you just got, you get a car. I'll put it in with the electrolytes. You know, I sniff it in the morning.

We'll get a little, show me don't have the old McDonald's tea space. Yeah, I cut it up. We can use a key, can you? I carry around a little lottery ticket in my top pocket. A little, little, have a little key, a little fucking key. Anyway, the point is we've not gone corporate, okay? No, I think... We just compare creatine to Coke.

That's how much we don't give a fuck. That's how edge we are. Welcome to edge lords. We should do some edgy shit today. How edgy do you want? I've just had a coffee. Can you tell? I can't have coffee still, so I'm really in awe of the coffee.

Am I exercising my privilege? Yeah. Just so refreshing. What coffee are you drinking, Ness Cafe? Gold blend. No, I don't know what it is. Is it a proper, it's a filter coffee, right? It's a proper coffee though, yeah.

Yeah. It's not instant. I miss the buzz of caffeine. You can get caffeine from other sources, though, can you? Yeah, but I'm not having fizzy drinks, either. Okay. ProPlus? You're like to have those?

Pro Plus, isn't it? It's only bleak about Pro Plus. What way? I remember I used to have it and try and pretend that it was like drugs. I sort of used to show off to friends when I'd be in like the Blue Hawk and stuff. You take Pro Plus in a club? Fucking hell. That is...

Sorry. That's even sadder than I thought this was going. What the fuck are you talking about? Back in the day, well, I used to pass my bed time, so I just, do you want a little upper? What would it do? Well, you just sort of be able to stay up. You're about to stay away to the clothes. Just done four pro plus, mate.

Did you really take it to Blue Orchid? Yeah, yeah. I used to, I didn't have it in the full package where you pop it out. Yeah, no, because you were gone. Carried it loose, yeah. Empty it into your pocket. You look like you're hanging a bit, bro. You want a fucking pro plus.

Oh, man, at my palm. You want a pro plus? Who's having a pro plus at your raw palm? Do you mean having a baggie? Huh? You may have it in a baggie? No, I'd certainly my pocket. It's like having a shot of espresso.

Yeah, I know, but yeah, I didn't know that at a time. I thought there were a bit of a bit. You thought it was a bit of an edge to them. Do you remember when Garana was a big thing? Yeah, I do actually. Is Garana still a thing? I don't, I mean, I don't, you go clubbing more than I do now. No, I'm talking about just generally.

You put it in drinks and that, didn't know, do you remember this Garana gum? Yeah, I need to stop drinking so much coffee. You've got a real, yeah. It's weird now. You know, like when people are drinking or doing cocaine, I can see caffeine in people. I can see it buzzing out of your pores. Oh, God.

I didn't think there was such a thing as an ex-coffee drinker being a prick. But here we go. I'm looking forward to getting them coming back to the caffeine. Yeah. I don't know if I feel like that. Do you have trouble sleeping? I don't. I feel super relaxed.

I still have trouble sleeping. I still have trouble sleeping. Yeah. Yeah. Are you doing the thing where you don't look at your phone for an hour before bed? I can't do that. Are you doing the thing where you have the same routine every night? No.

Are you drinking sleepy tea? Yeah. I'm having calamar tea. Camamar. Camamar, yeah. Camamar, yeah. Yeah, Camamar tea before bed. Yeah.

So that should help. Yeah, that helps. And I try and do my breathing exercises, do some meditation. Good for you. Meditation, I find me really difficult. I did an hour the other day. An hour of meditation? Correct.

How the fuck are you doing? Number one, when? Sunday morning So basically Would you like me to talk you through In my meditation journey? Yes, take me through it So I read that meditation is really good for you

Yeah, I mean that's yeah So I started doing five minutes Wow You're up to now What are you thinking of Like an island Or being something nice and chilled Um

No, I think what you're mistaken Meditating for daydreaming No, but Well, you're supposed to to do is you focus on your breathing yeah you'll try a bit now yeah okay so close your eyes okay just have your hands on your lap palms facing upwards okay and then just close your eyes and then just take a deep breath in and then deep breath out and then just focus on the breath coming in and out of your body what are you thinking of at this time just stop asking questions what are you not

I'm going to, about to deal with that, dude. Now, if a thought pops into your head, treat it as a passing cloud. Don't dwell on it. What? A passing cloud? Just let it pass through. Okay. Anyway, it goes on like that. Anyway, so I started doing that for five minutes at a time.

Then I got to 10 minutes. Yeah. Then I got to 20. Yeah. Push it to half an hour. And then the other day I decided to do an hour. And I read about it. Just breathing.

Pardon? Just set up. Yeah. Yeah, but you do have thoughts popping to your head and stuff like that. But when you come out of it, you feel fucking so good. What do you, what are the thoughts that come into your head? Just general shit, like, am I meditating? Is my mind truly clear?

You don't think, right? Why did I say that at the text earlier? Is my career over? Anyway, that's what, anyway, so I did it now. It was good. Do you ever, like, what happens if you get like sort of arousal thoughts? So I have had an erection during meditation before. I'm just sitting a gardener at your own with it.

I think it's partly because you know that you're not supposed to be thinking about stuff like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then suddenly you start thinking about it. Yeah. What are you naked at this time? Yeah. What are you talking about? You're on your own.

Why would I be naked? I'm not naked every time I'm on my own. No, but I'm like, what are you wearing when you... Joggers, T-shirt. Okay. With a hole cut out of them. So your penis can really chill. Yeah, just to stick through.

So hold it. And then I get a box of popcorn. So with your So with the erection Did you Were you like I'm going to let it be? Yeah

Like sort of someone who's walked into a pub That they didn't know it was there And sort of like Orders a drink and sort of isn't a local Yeah But everyone lets them stay Welcome to analogies that don't work With Tom Davis

And Rommish Rang and Nathan So no Did you just go Okay like sort of stroke it And just go All right you're here You're present I don't think it's stroking it

It's going to help No, but you're I just thought, what's the best way to get rid of this? I just have a full wank. Just to, you know, knock you on the head, literally. If anyone walked in on you, would you have been? Would I have been embarrassed? Are you asking, if anyone had walked in on me, sat cross-legged, with a full erection, would I be embarrassed?

Yes, but I don't think that makes me a prude. I don't think that makes me a weirdo. Where were you at this time? I was in my office at home. Okay. Was anyone else in the house? Yeah. Okay.

But have they got a thing like, don't disturb that? Not really. but if you say to your family, I'm going to meditate. They're not going, I'd love to have a look at that. It's not like there's a football match on in the next room. No, but if they came in.

Sorry, that guy that we normally find boring is being completely silent. Yeah, let's have a erection. Yeah, let's pop in and have a swizz at that. Did you feel dirty? Dad's doing his impression of a sundial again. Did you feel like weird after, because you got an erection in the house with everyone else there?

Well, I do get erections in the house on my birthday. then at Christmas. No, because you've got everyone running around, like, being loud and shouting. Yeah. And then you're just sitting in your office with a bigger action. Did you not get at all, like, oh no, this is... I've got to be honest. I do think you're embellishing my story a little bit.

I didn't have a fucking raging hard on. How, by the way, if you're so deep in the meditation. Yeah. How do you know that no one did walk in and see you in the reaction? I don't. I guess I don't. That's the thing. Yeah.

Was anyone different with you after? The dogs were weird. I love the idea of your two dogs just sat there, looking at you sitting there with a bigger action, just going. Look at him. Look at sad fuck. Is he going to open that jar of peanut bar?

Anyway, I'm really sorry, man, I interrupted you. You were talking about what we did. I can't remember that. Morning routine or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, but that's what I've got. Do you know what? Your sleep routines? Yeah, I need to get into more meditative sort of like that.

I've found it really hard to commit to stuff like that. But I will commit to it. I also, this is really bad. I've got back into playing FIFA later night. Like sneaking off. You know who I met yesterday? Who? This is going to blow your fucking balls off.

Go on. Miles Jacobson. I know. I've met him before. Oh. Yeah. He was a Basta thing that I did. Oh, okay.

He made Football Manager. Yeah, he did. He's a really cool guy. Yeah. Yeah. Really nice guy. Yeah. Did he give you a full...

Have you got a... I'm on the Circle. Are you in the Circle? What a football manager? Getting the preview. Yeah, I got the preview. I mean, I played it for a bit, but then... Hold on a second, Tom.

Can I just say something right? Genuinely, I've got some trust issues with you. Why? Okay, because you don't remember shit you've said. Go on. I remember everything you've said. Okay.

Yeah. So a few weeks ago, or maybe a couple of months ago. I wasn't in the circle. Hold on. Can I say? Okay. This isn't going to make me look good.

You got the, you're in the circle. Yeah, and you got really fucked off about it. I did get really fucked off. And then I DMed. This is so sad. I can show you it on X.

Or was it on Instagram. Instagram, one of them, and said, hey man, um, uh, so he'd been, he'd started following you because of your hate posts. No, no, no, he's followed me for a while, right, but I still wasn't in the circle. I actually, by the way, had been sent before, a couple of years before, I had been sent a free version of, of the game. So I, after our conversation, I was aware that you're not a big football manager player. Why is that? Why is that? Well, you never talk about it? I don't talk about a lot of stuff that I'm into. If you're into football manager, you'd be showing up. I'm not making my own hummus. Have you ever heard me talk about that?

What? By the way, you can't meditate, make hummus and then play football manager. Why not? All very different things. Of course they are. It's such a spiral. You're allowed to do different things. Yeah, but that's an insane, like, that's an insane.

Well, those are, I get, listen, but listen, I get if those are the only three things I did. You do other stuff. Yeah. Number one, I know how much you work. So how many hours are there in a day? 24. Yeah. For you to do you.

I've delivered that to him because I wasn't sure if you knew. Yeah, right. You, you're telling me you've got time to do an hour of meditation. I don't do it every day, so I don't do it once. Okay. This is where you start to... And then you're making hummus, which I know for to make good hummus, that's an hour. Okay.

Right. All right. Two hours, right? You work at least 12 hours a day every day. Yeah. So that's 14 hours. I don't work 12 hours a day. You, mate, you work a lot, right?

Are you telling me, right? That you then have to... If you're really going to push yourself into football manager, you need at least three hours a day. In my defence, I made the hummus a day. I've never made hummus a lot. I know you didn't. I was going to get you into sort of how you make hummus. So what happened was is...

Why don't you just whisked up from chickpeas? No. You need tahini, you need some other little bits and bobs. Yeah, you add some shit to it. Yeah, yeah. It's a real process. I've made hummus. It's a beautiful thing.

Okay. Don't say it like you're a war veteran. No, making hummus, right, takes care of compassion. Right. I've got compassion. What the fuck is that supposed to me? I've got compassion. You horrible...

I'm just saying, right? For you to actually sit there and make it, I don't know if you, I think you'd just blend up the hummut, like the chip peas and go, oh, that would do. I don't know if you'd sit there and really, like, scientifically.

What's happened to you? What? Because ordinary, can I just tell you something? Something's going on with you. No. Should I tell you what the old Tom Davis would have done. Go on.

Because normally what you do is you'd like blend up some chickpeach and you're going, that'll be all right. I think the hummus is complete. You open the door for yourself and you didn't walk through it. What's going on? I don't know.

I was too passionate about this football manager thing. Because if I'm honest with you, that you taking credit as the football manager and guy, I didn't take any credit. I said to you, I'm in the circle. I'm an ex, like,

I love my football manager. I had to wean it off because I was playing it too. You didn't have to wean it off. Have you managed to make that sound sexual? If I'm, if I'm listening every weekend, we're in a football manager. If I'm honest with you,

a lot of this podcast, I'm just going to be thinking of you sat cross-legers with a massive boner. It's really hard of me. And you've got like quite a sort of sexy boner face at the moment. I'm not completely convinced you haven't got a boner now. But what I'm saying is, for football manager, you really have to immerse yourself in that world.

Sure, I get it. How many hours are you talking a day? You play three hours a day. Yeah, I mean, best, I mean, that's sometimes six. Six hours, you spend. You're married with a kid? No, this is a run-up to having grace. But then when the new one came out, and look, this is, and I know that, you said that

I was genuinely mortified when you were like, I. I got the free one. And then two other people I know got a free one, right? I was like, how am I not getting, I've done loads of posts. I've talked openly about Football Manager a lot. I'm getting no Football Manager love. And then I had to DM, I think I DM'd the Football Manager page on Instagram,

and then Miles, and Miles didn't read my thing. I think that Miles thinks I'm a bit of a beg, if I'm honest with you. Yeah, that's what you said to yesterday. Do you know what would not surprise me is Miles? Yeah, did sort of go, oh, you know, you did the podcast. You did the podcast, isn't it? Thursday beg. Yeah, yeah.

Al and Thirsty. Al and Saddark. Thirsty beg? Yeah. He was messages and we're all laughing. We gave him one because we knew. Like, you know, like, do you remember Menace the Society of the film when that guy's sort of offering to suck people off for cheeseburgers? Yeah.

That's what I'm like with a football manager. Yeah. He knows that. He knew that I come out of the woodwork, just begging for it. Miles, by the way. It is a bit of an insight into you that even though we're like best buddies, you experience jealousy. Of course I do. I don't experience any jealousy of you.

Yeah, of course you've got a fucking better life than I've got. No, I'm not. You're in fucking Rick and Morty. Yeah, yeah, okay. I was jealous of that, actually. Yeah, can I say jealousy? But what I didn't do is DM Rick. Yeah.

Hello, Rick. I'm a character and a guy. Yeah, but football manager, it was just because I'm obsessed with it. Yeah, okay. I get it, I get it. And in all seriousness, I'm being a prick here, you deserve to have football manager more than I do. Well, I enjoy the game. But no, no, I'd love to know that you're,

playing it, I'd probably then just sync up a league with you. No, thanks. Do you, have you ever picked up and played with it? Yeah, but I've not got D. Who are you, Arsenal on it? I was Arsenal when I played. Okay. I mean, I'm asking when I play.

Who should I be? Crawley Town or something. That would be, yeah, no, you haven't got it in you to be Crawley Town. That's dedication. I don't got it in me to be Crawley Town. You can't take a small team like that and fucking heads for the Dizzy Heights on the Premier League? I don't need to help.

They'll take you years. It'd take you like at least two years to get crawled into a place where you, there'd be a self-sufficient club. like if you're Ryan Reynolds you know as a manager you'd have to do some serious buying and selling bring into a whole new youth team right I always think start

league two league three okay so who are you normally uh I'd Peterborough sometimes IFC Wimbledon yeah I've took Peterborough to the Premier League one of my proudest moments I always say it becomes very unsexy though when you become really good at football

I don't think it becomes but the more into it you get I don't think it becomes very unsexy I don't anybody goes when he started playing when he started playing football manager it was incredibly sexy but as he started getting really into it

became less sexy no I would oh my god when Tom started playing he was so fit he started playing football manager I couldn't believe how wet I was he was so puff

I one day I walked in and he was just eating a cheeseburger and his pants playing football manager I was just getting into it I'm not sure if he'd be meditating because he was fully aroused this look I

fucking I mentioned that as a one-off thing to you being like open I don't want to to become a fucking runner throughout the episode

bro it's just I know I just like the idea that that's when you became aroused the most I want to know

what you're thinking of as well or if it was just a bring I can't remember some thought of some sexual act

pops into my hands by the way a lot of yogis have that is their very sexual beings so you're probably entering your yogi

phase do you ever um god this is really embarrassing question do you have a lot sometimes if you've not

had an erection for a while. Yeah. Well, like, you don't remember the last, not that you don't remember, I'm not saying like months and months ago, sometimes try and give yourself one just to sort of... See if it's still working. Yeah. Like, you know, when you've got an old car and you need to take it out and sort of road tested to make sure it's still, the engine still works.

Yeah. Do you ever do that? Yeah, I mean, that is what masturbation is, right? No, but I mean, what I'm saying is that sometimes it occurs to you. You just sort of stroke it on the train. Yeah. Well, just try and I try and do it mentally. What, really?

Yeah. I don't think I've ever tried. I don't think I've ever been a situation. you think, I fucking, this needs a run out. No, I'm not saying

it needs a run out. But like, I start thinking of stuff. I've not felt anything down there for a little bit. Wow. So what's, what's your go-to thought?

Vegan Fox? No, it's not Megan Fox. Why would you say that? I don't know you've got Megan Fox or. That made it definitely look like it was Megan Fox. Can I just say,

by the way, you have to also let it go that the apparatus isn't what it used to be. What does that mean? I know what it means, literally. Yeah,

but like in your 20s and 30s, it's a fully working sort of organ that's constantly. Now it's coming to its tired phase. It's not like you sort of like, it's like Simba's dad in the Iron King. It's not the line it once was. No. You know, you've got, you know.

I would say that my, I've never, it's never really been Mephassa, my dick, even in its prime. More like Scar. It's more like Scar. Yeah, just a jealous. Jealous, looking over at the other lines. Yeah, I don't think it might.

had a prime. Really? Maybe your prime's coming. All this breathing and the yoga? I don't think so. Yeah, mate, you're sitting there with an erection for an hour. I didn't have an erection for a full.

It didn't even happen during that session. Oh, okay. I thought you had an erection for an hour. It's sad, isn't it to think? Like, what age do you reckon we started to decline? Mate, I can tell exactly. 34. So 34, we started to go on the way down.

And muscles are just declining all the time. So I was at the football. Yeah. And I was in like, I don't start giving me shit, I was in hospitality. Of course. Somebody asked for... By the way, that's the only way I'd imagine you're going to football. Why?

Why say that? Well, because you're going to get loads of hassle otherwise. I did get loads of hassle regardless, actually. Oh, really? At the football, I don't want to get into a big rant about this. People are quite rude at the football about getting photos. Like more so than any other context. No, no, boxing, football, any sports event.

Anyway, apart from Wimbledon. This is a real ick, what I'm about to describe. Okay. Somebody approached me from behind. You're so, this is, you're really on a real childish one today. No,

it's because you bought, you made it at this level with the whole, showing off about your action. I'm bent over the table with my pants down. Somebody, so.

I do feel a lot of the energy here is because we're trying to do if we're not a corporate. I know, I know, this is so shit. Anyway, cocks and fucking tits and stag does.

Fucking getting smashed to do in lines. Maybe we should go on, yeah. he's not getting married is he? It's Theo getting married? What weird way to find out. Hello Tom, it's Theo.

Are you right to tell my dad on the podcast life that I'm getting married to my girlfriend? That's a maddest impression of Theo I've ever heard. Oh, hello. Hi Tom. It's Theo here.

Rommish's son. Yeah, I can tell that by your voice. Yeah, just wondering if I'm actually getting married. Can you let Dad know? I haven't the podcast. So, yeah, so you're... A guy approached me from behind for a photo.

Yeah. He says, Romish, can I bother you a second? I turn like that and I twinge something in my back. Oh, no. And then I'm not right for the rest of the day. Still not right now, as I talk to you today. Where in your back? Both sides here just feels a bit twinge.

And every time I sort of look, I can feel it now. And that's from going like that. That's how fucking old I am, bro. That's how old I am. It's over. Can I say for all of us, it's like, mate i've been through the wars recently spider bite on my foot okay

don't throw it away like that what you're talking about i got bitten by spider on my foot i didn't have saturday night we should say to people actually this actually reminds me one of the things that we haven't said about one of the changes of the podcast we are doing this from the amazon we should be clear about this is the mad thing what the fuck you talking english spiders mate

it's actually like i could show you my foot if you want It's swollen. It's red. Okay. Can I say actually, by the way, I put a picture up on Instagram. I know you're not on there anymore. So I know that you'd have jumped on this if you were. I put a picture up pre-gig last night.

Why? Of my foot just going, I've had a spider boat in the foot. I might have to do my gig without a shoe. Just for banter. Oh, God, this is so. So I just write some fucking material. Why? The bar is so low now.

So I put it out. The amount of trolling and abuse I've had about. my toe. Just generally your toe. Yeah, just the size of it. Yeah. And also my feet look disgusting. People shouldn't say,

first of all, I don't think you should ever put your foot up for public display. Some people like to see pictures of it. I know they're terrible perverts. Yeah, yeah. But you know there's that rate my foot? Yeah.

What is the website called? Should we look this up now, actually? Is it called rate my foot? I'm incredibly distracted today. I saw that coffee you've drunk. Oh my God. What? I cannot fucking believe it.

Oh, shut up. What do you think your rating is at? of five. I don't know. Two. Five. What? Are you joking?

I'm not joking. Mate, the trolling I get about my feet. Five stars. Tom Davis's WikiFeet score five stars. What pictures of my feet have they got out there? They've got one of you in the King Gary opening sequence. Yeah. They've got one where you've sort of posted a photo with a hot dog.

A hot dog? Yeah. There's one. Okay, one of them is clearly not of you. there's loads of you from King Gary you've had your feet out a lot in King Gary wow five that is probably the sexiest I've ever felt okay so should we have a look at mine now yeah

wiki feet romash you've had your feet out of a lot of things right oh my god what is your feet score 4.3 that's not bad you're five yeah I know but if I'm interested but look let me show you this picture of my I'm gonna show you this picture up at it and the amount of

okay first of all before we get into that you need to do this story in the right order. How did you get bitten on the foot by spider? I've got no idea how I got bitten by a spider. How do you know? Do you see it happen? Right no no. So listen. Have you felt your DNA's changed at all? Have you tried climbing a wall? I tried to do this and nothing happened. Okay. Um, I saturday evening after the gig in commentary, right? How was the gig in country? Warwick Arts Centre? Fun, always, always fun. I hate the lighting in the room. Maybe the worst lighting on the main. Yeah, it's very bright. Um, fun show. I get the car with Gratz to go home and I was like something's like my foot's in pain.

I don't know if I bang, my stubbed, hit my toe or something. I literally was, um, work out the next morning. It was swollen quite a lot. I then thought to cat, I said to Kathy,

I think I might have been growing toe now. Bed chat was sexy that morning. Yeah. Um, and my foot had swollen up quite a bit. Went out to London with caffeine and grace, had the day there. Uh,

got in the car with Gratz, show Grats by foot again. Uh, and Gratz was like, you've been bitten. And you could see a little sort of fame arts type thing by a spider. So Grats, That's diagnosed it for you.

Well then Dennis, who you know has worked very well. Dennis is almost like an expert with bites. It does make sense actually. So, and that is, we should say this on behalf of the podcast. If you do have a bite or anything like that, you're not sure about it. First of all, go to a comedy tour manager. And if that person gives you the first opinion, always get a second opinion from a sound guy. That's just standard procedure.

It's a Sunday one of a Sunday evening. So now I'm going to go to a pharmacy after this, see if I, see what they think. Because it's painful right out to my calf now. I can feel it there. Are you winding me up? No, it's really... That sounds serious. Yeah, I mean, but also I didn't know we had venomous spiders.

I didn't know that's a thing we're... I don't think we do. Mate, whatever this is, I mean, I'm quite happy to get my foot out. Please. Disgusting. My feet are disgusting. Do you, how often do you cut your toenails? Oh, no.

How long are they? They're not long, no, they're short. I go really short, like my hair. But that's what I've got to. these trainers on because the other ones that I had were just a bit too. Look there on my foot. Can you see how... Why are you putting your foot onto my leg? So you can see it. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you thinking it's so close

to my fucking face, bro? Just put it. I can see it from here. How bad do you think my fucking eyesight is? There, look. See how red it is? Yeah, that's bad. Do you think? It's so painful. Tom, when you cut your toenels, are you using a junior hacksaw? what the fuck are you using what the fuck are you using to cut your tailels?

Yeah but what are you doing? What tool are you using? It was quite a blunt nail clipper that I found. Like what are you? I asked, we were backstage in Glasgow. Right. And I asked a lady if she had like a toenail clipper. Yeah.

If there's any toenail clippers. Yeah. And she was like, I don't know. And lucky enough, there was... So you're backstage at a gig and you ask for toenail clippers. But there have been some stuff left from, yeah, and she went through some, yeah. Okay. Like beauty supplies and there was lucky enough, yeah.

Lucky enough? Yeah, but they weren't very, they were quite blunt. You see that? Do you know what it looks like your toenail has been cut by natural erosion? From the water line. It looks like a, it looks like the sea has been lapping up again. gets your toe now

and gradually it's been pushed back. I've got a bike cream on there no no no

if hopefully that's not got on your trousers oh fucking hell but that's

what I'm dealing with it's a lot of pain it's really like don't do that noise

very agonising how the fuck has that got five stars it's hideous they're not looking

best you've got a bit of swollen i've not you know swelan i used to use a stapler to cut your toenails do you know what katherine used to cut my toenails for me did she and then yeah is that it was about then that you stopped having sex permanently no now she stopped she's like yeah yeah i can't

i'm doing it myself i'm completely and if i'm honest with you i always do one foot really well i'm gonna take a bit but those which ones that was that's the bell one that's my lead foot i think you're your big toenail I mean, I think you've definitely been, you've got something going on me.

Yeah, yeah. Do I think you should be allowed to cut your own toenails going forward? No. Look at an old man. I think those are about three stages of foot care away from being ready to go and have a manicure. Have you had a manicure? Yeah.

Yeah, they're amazing, right? Oh, so good. Because your feet look a different colour afterwards. They like just get their life back in them. Yeah, I mean, yours will. I'm now worried about my feet. I'm going away with Catherine in a couple of weeks. they need sorting out, don't they?

I think they need... I'll be honest with you. I think they need replacing. I think you need to go to turkey. I think you need to get to turkey feet. Turkey toes. I've all my toes chopped off like a witch from a rolled doll movie.

I'll go to away with Catherine now. I'm a bit conscious of... Tom's got a turkey from surgery. I was finally getting his hair. No. Just get his toes down. I just think you need a pedicule. Yeah, I'm going to get one before I go away.

Because your big toenel is jagged. It looks like a shit prison shank. It looks like the outside of, you know, when you use the old school can opener? You know when Popeye is a spinach? You know what the lid looks like? I look like I've cut my toenails with a can opener. Yeah. That's the better for, I think.

Yeah. And what makes me more worried, if you want to, be honest, is the fact that you're able to get that out without really any kind of hesitation, knowing that your toenail looked like that. I didn't realize they looked that bad if I'm on this review. But also, you were sort of slightly bragging. You went not like to keep them really, really short. I didn't know that you were such a toe connoisseur.

I'm not a toe connobs. I didn't know you were a toe snob. I'm not a toe snob, but it looked like, it looked fucking mad. Yeah, I mean, I cut them quickly backstage in Glasgow. It looked like the outline of a Pixar character's hair. Is it really that jagged? It's so jagged. I need to have another look at it.

Yeah, I'm worried about it now. I'm worried. I'm surprised that you're not shredding sheets for those. And socks. You know what? Do you know what people? Bray spider. Blimey,

thank God you don't wear tights. It's a brave spider that's climbed across that toe. What made Gratz think it was a spider? He had a detailed look at it.

By the way, Gratz didn't mention my toe in those once. Tom, Tom, can I tell you something? Gratz is your tour manager. Okay?

His job is to keep your spirits up. What he's not going to say is fucking hell. Look at your disgusting toenails. Okay. And Dennis is a night. He knows better than that.

Dennis is a night. Most of this man. Even your brother had a look at it. Did Dinesh not say anything about your toe now? No, no. God, did it? I don't think, I think Dinesh is not at the right level of familiarity with you yet. Can I say Dinesh, by the way, he brought some mutton rolls to the gig. Incredible.

How were they? How many do you have? Four. Yeah. Did you have one and then while Dinesh was on stage, you're thinking, I'm fucking lost. No, no, no. He brought them in. He brought them in.

He was very... Did you bring the tamarin ketchup? No, no, no. Nice, don't know. beautiful very good i'll bring you some in next time if you want i don't very good my mom makes them as well really yeah oh if i'd love to home-made ones

yeah yeah you reacted a bit like i did mid-meditation full erection full mutton roll a rection my mutton roll had a little bit of life in it yeah so the spider bite is but what i'm saying is but the spider bite now means i'm limping so now i can feel friction in both hips oh right yeah so you feel like age is getting Because both of our muscle is deteriorating at a big time now.

How's your ball bag? In what sense? Well, you know, people always say that when you get older, your ball bag starts to drop, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's not as taught as it used to be. Right. Yeah. Are you noticing that?

Because I'm contemplating measuring. Really? Like just, you know, like how when you were a kid, they do the heighty at the door? Yeah. I'm thinking about doing the same. Just like having a little graft down the inside of your leg. You can have that tattooed.

The line keeps dropping. You can have a tattooed. Oh, that's a great idea. tattoo? Just have a marker line for the... Yeah, yeah. That's a great shot. I might get that.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'd probably draw it on myself and then ask him to... I'm not going to say, can you do it right now? Can you measure it? A little circle line. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not as tall as it once was.

Like, if it was a sort of like boxing bag, it would probably be taken down and sort of re-leathered. Yeah. I think it is the thing that signifies your age. Yeah. When was the last time we saw another man's ball bag? Not for years. In the gym.

In the gym, but I'm not went to the gym for a lot. on time. I was in a gym the other week. Yeah. And I just, a guy there that, I don't know that this is actually. What's happening here is you're unsure

of how many desires to show about your behaviour? Yeah. Because I don't know what it, yeah. So there's a guy getting changed. He's probably in, you know, early 30s. Yeah.

Handsome guy. Kind of sort of, um, sort of slipped back hair. Yeah. Look like a sort of, yeah, go get,

probably quite a corporate guy actually. Yeah, yeah. Um, and he paraded. round the changing room naked for quite some time. Yeah. He had an incredible penis and bullback. In what way incredible?

Well, his ball bag was like shorter than his penis for a start. His penis was, yeah. Even as we say in the technical term on the flop. I mean, this is a very like, this episode, I'm very aware. It's probably these raunches we've ever been. It's really pathetic because we said we wouldn't respond to criticism. And now because we've had a couple of comments about being caught, we've decided to do the blue podcast

for some reason. Talking exclusively about genitals. I couldn't stop. Talk exclusively about genitals. I couldn't stop looking at it as he was parading around. Yeah. And he was so confident.

I would be too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, every part of his body was perfect. Yeah. And then I sort of, someone caught me looking, but they were also looking. There's a couple of us sort of, like,

you know, sort of more sort of flumbusome chaps. Yeah. Sort of, you know, who just, I don't know. How free are you sort of, getting your genitals out and then no no I'm not that guy you I think if I'm at the gym yeah which is never now

you've got I think maybe a one and a half second window of opportunity to see my junk yeah yeah I'm less than that switch so I'm under a towel still right yeah I'm under a towel guy because I just can't I don't want to confirm what people suspect because when you do league in their own

stuff and you're doing things like a lot of they're very very very comfortable yeah in that show yeah And so since I switched to hosting, then I wasn't involved in any of the games, so I didn't have to do any of that game. Yeah. But when I was like a team regular, it was difficult because I'm very shy in that regard. Whereas, you know, if you've, if you grow up around sports teams, you just walk around naked anyway.

I remember doing a, we did a road trip once and you did it obviously a number of these, but they. And then I got dropped out. Well, you've become a big, big cheese, a big corporate. Yeah, then I was doing the VA. So I remember, like, it was the first time I was, I think it was the first road trip I did. Yeah. We're doing it in Holland. Is this with Anthony Joshua?

AJ, Jamie. Sorry, AJ. Yeah. AJ, Jamie and Freddie. Yeah. And they were like, all right, you know, everyone's going to go upstairs. You're all going to get changed quickly and we're going to go on to the next thing. And we have one hotel room.

I think AJ had his own hotel room because it's me, Freddie and Jamie in the room. And one shower. AJ famously tiny dick. Yeah. I think AJ's packing. He's got the measure. I don't think you can be a boxer

with a tiny dick. What may I say that? You couldn't be. Why? Isn't it an advantage? What? Why? You have too much pin up aggression.

And I think, yeah. Okay. Show me a boxer with a small dick. I'll show you a guy to take a beating or two. That's what a weird thing to say. I genuinely think we had to call this the penis.

This has been so base. Yeah, I know. I actually think also, I think our ratio, gender split, is more women listening to this. Yeah, I know, yeah. They must be absolutely appalled at what they're listening. But look, sorry. Within the context. After the next, we're just going to talk about this for another 10, 15 minutes.

Yeah, so we, so you go to this room to all get changed in, right? Yeah. And there's a shower there. And everyone's, oh, you have a quick shower, get changed. go and do the next thing. Whatever we've done, we've been sweating quite a bit. And Freddie just ragged off. Freddy took all his clothes off straight away. And he's like, parade him out naked.

And then sort of gets in the shower and comes out naked. He's dried himself off. And he's just chatty. It's very normal for him. Yeah. The anxiety I had about the shower situation, I haven't got it in me to come out of the shower naked. Like Jamie then followed suit.

Did exactly the same thing. Completely naked? Yeah, he came out of the shower. It was like scrubbed, drying himself. He wasn't quite as. open with his, you know, but he's still sort of, you know, I, I, I was really, well, I, I, I, I, I was really, well, I, I, I, I locked the door, as hard as I could, put a chair up behind it, and I was sort of, and it, because also there wasn't unusual for that show, for someone to come bursting in a, 100,000, yeah, 100%. I, 100%. I, I look, lock the door. Yeah. And Freddie went, why are you locking the door? And it's a problem. Because you're highlighting yourself as a prude. Yeah, yeah. And then all I could think of, I, I, as a self-shamer, I, as a as I was having my shower is the fact that, yeah,

what was the way, and I sort of, I took, I huddled up all my clothes. Like I was crossing, like a cowboy, when he's crossing the river, he takes off his hat and his boots,

and holds them on top of his horse. I'd gathered up all of my things that I was changing into. So they knew that, yeah, and sort of I came out, sort of all changed, and they were sort of giggling to themselves a bit. It was sort of, yeah.

It was a bit. Yeah, it was. Really sad. Did you ever find out? Um, I was very careful. Yeah. Um. Did you ever get bagged?

Do you have your trousers pulled down? No, they try. They did try a few times. Yeah. I used to, this is really, I've not admitted this. But every time I filmed on League of their own road trip, I'd have a pair of shorts on underneath my trousers in case I got bagged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to?

I used to do my belt up so fucking tight. It was, it was, it was. I used to staple my trousers to my wife. It would literally like cause pain to my legs. Because we, because as much as I love those guys. guys. I love them. We were the targets,

of me. Of course, of course. Yeah. Like, they, I do think part of the reason we got booked for that

is because they were like, who'd be the funny person to absolutely just destroy. Yeah, yeah. I would say there was certain people who really, like, incited that behavior. Yeah. I mean,

I got, I think, bagged. I got bagged twice. If you don't mind me saying about you, yeah. You are the sort of person that deplores bullying until you discover that you're on the right side of it.

It, In which case, I'm sorry, I think that goes for everyone. That's not true of me. Oh, really? Yeah, I find it absolutely abhorrent. No, I think that you're, there's a part, I think I, I knew what my place was in that, in that show. And quite a lot of the time it would be to be the butt of the joke. Yeah.

I think I got a wedgy on that show so badly. It ripped, like, is it called an atomic wedge on it? Yeah. Well, atomic wedgies, isn't it where they pull the thing over your head? Yeah, but then the pants, but like my underpants ripped. at the gusset. We'd hope so. Yeah.

Not hope so. No, it was fucking painful and then had to do this whole show with no knickers on. Did you have a saw bridge? Yes. Yeah,

I mean, we're back, it all roads lead to Rome on this. Well, if you're talking about pants, it's not that unlikely. But, but I do,

yeah, I sort of knew what, yeah, I was like, okay, cool, that's, I don't think I ever

got to a place where I was, you know, on that side of it. Yeah. I was always, you know, getting,

you know, the joke was had on me. Well, look, listen, before we wrap things up with your final thought, what I'd like to do, I do think we need to record now an apology for this episode. Yeah, the base level. And then that can be put at the beginning. So let's, you know, let's do this properly. What, like politicians?

Yeah, I'm happy to do it like that. I mean, I don't know if a politician would have to apologise for talking about genitals in time. I think you're very naive in the fact that I think that's probably all they're talking about at the moment. Okay, all right, bloody hell. Fucking else. Somebody signed up for SNL. I thought it's good What do you think

Yeah I actually Really really really good Alright Tom Would you like to do A whole episode like that Candy if you want Do you want to

We could do the email We could start the email Yeah let's do that Yeah let's do that's Okay alright go for it Um Living in the past friend Cocks

What's about Living in the past friend Bulls It's hard isn't it Stepping out of the past Gooch There's something Refreshing

And relaxing about Knowing what's been Smelly balls knowing about the world that you've lived in already, the steps you've taken before. Penis. Something quite refreshing, reassuring. I quite like it.

It's like being on a rap album. What kind of a fucking rap album you're listening to? Anyway, carry on, go on. Refreshing, resuring, comfortable about knowing what's been before. It's actually nerve-wracking thinking about the future. It holds so many hidden moments, so many hidden gems. Am I going to trip over that curb? Am I going to slip over that ice?

We never know. None of us know. And that's why some people live in the past. That's why some people wear the aftershave they found when they were 15 because they're too scared to try a new fragrance. Why do I all have potato waffles with every meal instead of having mashed potato? That's something comfortable about potato waffles. It's an old friend with a reassuring arm at your shoulder.

But the truth is we can't all live in the past. We have to step into the future. Some people say the present is your friend and the future is a... Some people say the present is your friend and the future is an unarcing devil that could mean it takes your life in any which route. But the truth of the matter is sometimes we have to step forward, not knowing what we're going to do. Sometimes it's easier to fall forward rather than falling back, falling to something you don't know rather than the comfort of the things you do. So today, when you go out, try not to think too much about the past. Try not to think about the comfortable armchair that you have about victories that you did before.

Think about pictures you've got in the future. Think about moments that you're going to really, really smash something. Hey, Billy, Joan, Kev, you've got this. I believe you have. Who am I saying this? I'm just the guy that woke up this morning thinking, I wonder what today we'll bring. Yes, it was pretty crap.

Got bitten by a spider. But I really hope today I get kissed by a fly. Really good. Thank you. Really good. Really good. Yeah, yeah, thank you. I like the closing line really good.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much for listening and watching to the Wolf on our podcast. If you've got any emails, Wolf our pod at gmail.com. But remember, you should be liking and subscribing. Like, subscribe and become a part of the tribe. Like, subscribe, become part of the tribe and enjoy the vibe. My guys. You're talking about nothing but balls and gooches over here, baby.

Take care. Boom.