Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Awakened Accountability w/ Erika Cruz

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

In this episode, SJR connects with Erika Cruz who shared her testimony of surrendering to accountability & Sis, W.E. felt that for somebody! After navigating the challenges of a tumultuous childhood, Erika leveraged her life experiences and evolved into a phenomenal brand strategist and mindset coach. At this stage in life, while confronting the consequences of her actions, our guest brings listeners in on her journey of redemption. Let us be the first to say that compassion and forgiveness of S E L F go a long way. So, prepare to give our girl some credit plus God some praise as she tells her story of becoming better!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Duane Wade and I've been blessed to have so many titles so far in my life. But now I'm adding podcast hosts with my new podcast called The Why with Duane Wade. On this show, I will have intimate conversations with some of the biggest names in sports, in music, in entertainment, in fashion, and we will discuss the whys in their lives. Listen to the why with Dwayne Wade on the iHeartRadio Apple, Apple Podcast, or whatever you can get your podcast. One of the best shows of the year, according to Apple, Amazon, and Time,

is back for another round. We had a big bear of a man, he's called Mal Evans, who's our buddy, and he was coming back on the plane. And he said, will you pass the salt and pepper? And I miss herding. I said, what? Sergeant Pepper. Listen to season 2 of McCartney, A Life in Lyrics on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello, this is Susie Esman and Jeff Garland. I'm here. Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts Hello, this is Susie Esmond and Jeff Garland. I'm here and we are the hosts of the history of curb your enthusiasm Podcast now we're gonna be rewatching and talking about every single episode and we're gonna break it down and give behind-the-scenes Knowledge that a lot of people don't know and we're gonna be joined by special guests including Larry David and Cheryl Heinz, Richard Lewis, Bob Odenkirk and so many more and we're going to have clips and it's just going to be a lot of fun. So listen to the history of curfew enthusiasm on I heart radio app Apple podcast or wherever you happen to get your podcasts. Dana Schwartz, you may know my voice from Noble Blood, Haley Wood, or Stealing Superman.

I'm hosting a new podcast and we're calling it Very Special Episodes. A Very Special Episode is stranger than fiction. I sound like it should be the next season of True Detective, these Canadian cops trying to solve this mystery of who spiked the chowder on the Titanic set. Listen to Very Special Episodes episodes on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi everyone, I'm Jackie Goldschneider from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I'm Jennifer Fessler, also from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Welcome to our new podcast, Two Jersey Jays. We are going to have lots of fun on this podcast while we discuss what it's really like to be a real housewife

and all the drama that comes with it. Follow us as we navigate family, friendships, and even our enemies. Listen to Jersey Jays on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. If God is gonna tell me yes, why do I gotta be the one to tell myself no? What you mean is what you say and what you say is what you portray. Get your life, okay? It's so many people in jail that need motivation. Maybe that's the next corner that God wants me to touch. I don't know.

Let's rescue Madonna for being late for two hours. I mean, it happens. Life happens. Another week, another podcast. Hey you. How are you? How are you doing? Okay, so we are officially out of the month of January and I can officially say to you, happy new year. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. It is the new year for me now. January, I've already told you she came in here doing too much. Okay. And I can honestly say that this is the first time in 2024 that I am feeling like 2024. I can forgive you. Let's move on. Let's see what the end's going to be. I'm excited. I worked out twice this week, you know, which you know

It's when I'm recording this it's was today today's Tuesday. So that's to I'm a fitness influencer. I Am a fit I am this podcast is me launching my fitness influencer platform. I worked out twice as we I'm a stretch tomorrow and I may work out two more times. Okay, slow down. Slow down. Don't start booking me yet. Okay. Um, how have you been? I am taking deep breaths and keeping the faith because I can sense that God is requiring me to own who I've always known that he said that I was. Does that make any sense to you? Yeah, it makes sense to me. There comes a stage in our life where we're like, okay, I know who God says I am, but

I also know who I am. And one day I'll be who God says I am. But right now it feels like God is saying, you are who I say you are right now. Right now, you're an author right now. You're a leader right now. You're a doctor right now. You know what I mean? Like right, you're a wife right now.

You're a whole right now, you're healed right now. It's time for you to stop thinking that it's something in the distant and it's right here in the future. So y'all pray for me and follow me as I follow Christ. Let me tell you last month we had, Hey, you, if you have not heard our theme for 2024, for wanting to evolve is surrender. For the first quarter, we're going to talk about surrendering to becoming,

surrender to becoming, which is a process and a journey all into itself. In order for us to surrender to becoming though, we must be willing to figure out what it is that we are laying down. At Hague in Dallas, we had this incredible exercise where we passed out sheets of paper and people wrote on the paper what it is that they wanted to surrender.

It was fear, maybe it was insecurity, and then we put it in this, it was dissolvable paper that we put into these water tanks. And I had my godmother Pastor Mary see right, say your prayer over things as they were dissolving. And it was a powerful exchange. So today, I think we should stay in line with that theme of surrender,

but let's talk about surrendering to accountability. I think that the theme of this episode is gonna be helpful for those of you who have found yourself not wanting to necessarily own up to where you are and who you are, even though you know that if you were to do that, it would allow for great fruit to be produced inside of you. Or maybe you don't know that. Maybe you aren't so sure that great fruit to be produced inside of you. Or maybe you don't know that.

Maybe you aren't so sure that great fruit would be produced. Maybe it's gonna cost you a lot to change from the way that you've always been. That's okay girl, we're not gonna let you do it by yourself. First, let me remind somebody's business. We got this from Hayew, so it's only fitting that we roll the clip. Hi, my name is Brittany.

My question for Miss Jakes or Pastor Jakes is, how can we continue to live holy as young people, even though we're surrounded by temptation? What can we do to resist temptation? And then if we do stray, or if we do fall into temptation, what can we do to surrender ourselves back to God? And what will he forgive us?

Will he forgive us of any and everything or just some of the things? So this is an interesting question about temptation, especially given the times that we're living in, oh my gosh, at the risk of sounding old when I was growing up. You know, certainly temptation was there, but it wasn't like so accessible. Whatever was tempting you wasn't as accessible because cell phones weren't as prominent. But now we live in a day and age where whatever you're tempted, whether it's food or relationships or pornography, is literally just a click away. And so I think really understanding how to overcome temptation comes down to as having

a really healthy perspective on the detrimental effects of what we are tempted by. You can't overcome something that you're in agreement with. You can't overcome something that you ultimately enjoy. So thinking to yourself about the negative impact, the detriment that you experience when you indulge in this temptation and how you no longer want to experience that is the conviction you need in order to make a change. And so it's one thing to say like, Hey, this person is no good for me, but let's dissect it. Like, why isn't this person good for you? Who do you become when you're with that person?

What do you stray away from when you're with that person? What effects and damage does it have on your relationships when you're with this person? When you are watching what you're watching, how do you feel afterwards? What is that sense of shame that you may experience as a result of having the drink or doing the drugs or eating the food?

What is it that you feel? And is that what God wants for you? Because if you desire to live a life where you want to experience God's vision for your identity, then you must be willing to acknowledge that this is at war with that. This is at war with that. And whenever I indulge with this, I am giving my enemy access to wound me, my enemy access

to hurt me. And so if you are in a situation where you're like, man, I keep getting tempted by this thing over and over again, let's talk about who you become when you indulge in this temptation. What does it take you away from? And then in scripture, it says that there is no temptation known to man, that you do not have the ability to overcome. I want to give you that scripture verbatim. So this scripture, 1 Corinthians 10 and 13 says,

no temptation has overtaken you, except such as common to man, but God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able. But with the temptation will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear it. You know how people always say, he'll never put more on you than you can bear? Like that is nowhere in the Bible. It ain't there. but there is it. There is no temptation that can come upon you that you do not have the ability to bear. So when we talk about, he'll never put more on you than you can bear.

Not true, but there is no temptation that you are confronted with that you cannot overcome. That is Bible. It's in the Bible because it is a constant reminder to us that whenever we have a temptation that we feel is stronger than us, that is a lie. That is literally deceitfulness, trying to tempt you into believing, trying to tempt you into believing that there's something out there that is stronger than the power of God working inside of you. And so in those moments where you feel temptation, you have to be willing to ask yourself, God,

please give me strength to recognize the way of escape. God, please give me strength to recognize that this is not stronger than me. I may have fallen time after time in the past, but that does not mean that it is stronger. I'll go even further. It was stronger than me before in the past, but because I am combining my strength with your strength,

it is not stronger than God. So when you indulge in that temptation, you are either inviting that thing to come in and destroy your life, destroy your identity, destroy your relationships, or you can say, God, I'm going to need some backup. God help me to lean more into your spirit. You may need an accountability partner. You may need to choose what you do instead. I'm going to turn on worship music.

I'm going to turn on this sermon. I'm going to turn on this sermon. I'm going to get in my word. I'm going to walk, have a strategy for when temptation arises. It is not enough for you to just be like, I'm going to overcome it, then blank stare. No, you have to know, what am I going to fight back with the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but they are mighty through God, not through our thinking, not through our believing, just like because we believe we can, they're mighty. When our belief is in God, they're mighty through God not through our thinking not through our believing just like because we believe we can they're mighty When our belief is in God they're mighty through God for the pulling down of strongholds

My husband talks all the time about how that word translated stronghold means a fortified argument If you have a temptation that is out thinking you out running you and out for your destiny You have to know that it is a fortified argument, but that it can come down. So have a strategy for what tempts you and remember that that temptation is literally taking you away from God's identity. You have to want who you can become in God more than you want who you are when you indulge in that tempting behavior. And to answer the last part of your question, does he just forgive us for some things or

all things? He forgives us for all things and he loves us so much that he doesn't want us to experience the same thing over and over and over again. So if you're really convicted about it, you really fall down and you find yourself in a position where you've given into that temptation. Jesus loves you enough to say, you know what, here's another chance and you ought to love him enough to say, I'm not going to take this grace for granted to say, you know what? Here's another chance. And you ought to love him enough to say, I'm not going to take this grace for granted. Now, you know, I had to put that part in there about making sure that we realize that God is not just out here

giving out free cards. Like we ought to change after something takes place, but there is something comforting about knowing that even when we don't live up to our best, that he still sees the best in us. I hope that brought you some comfort when I tell you changing your ways is difficult because the temptation be tempting.

You understand what I'm saying? The temptation be out here tempting and taking the time to really recognize what is keeping me from changing my ways. Like the moment that I wanna do it, what shows up in my life? And why do I feel powerless to overcome that thing and recognizing that whenever you feel powerless, that power moves. So what feels like it may have more power over you can actually be

moved. It just takes prayer and perspective to make that change and to see the type of transformation that you desire to seek. I believe that if you are, I'm gonna say past eight years old, you've had a moment in your life where you realize you know what I'm gonna need to change my life. I'm gonna need to get my life together. What are some of the signs, I think shame, regret, pain, and some instances, heartbreak, in which people begin to tell us, you know, that they are choosing to distance themselves from us, or we notice that the retention of quality relationships aren't great. The thing about changing your ways is that it's difficult to see the way that you show up in the world. It's really weird because on one hand it's like I don't want to live a life where I am

seeking other people's opinion or validation about who I am, but there's also the reality that my intentions and my actions may not be aligned. And so the only way that I can affirm or confirm that my intentions and actions are aligned is if I engage with the people who I do life with. So no, you don't need random strangers, validation and approval. And y'all play this for me next time I feel like I heard over some random strangers comment,

but like you do want to engage with the people around you to make sure that what you mean is what you say and what you say is how you're acting. Oh, no, I wanted to rhyme. What you mean is what you say and what you say is what you portray. Get your life. Okay. So what are the types of questions that we can ask the people we are in relationship

with? Do you feel love and supported by me when you are expressing your passion about turtles? Do you feel that I am a good listener? Do you think that I make effort to understand where you're coming from? Those are some targeted questions that we can ask to begin to make sure that our intentions are aligning with our actions.

If you wanna go even deeper, and I talk about this honestly, like I guess it is a plug, you guys pre-ordered my book Power Moves, but I talk about this first, like what are your core values? Who do you wanna be as a friend? Who do you wanna be as a wife?

Who do you want to be as a student, as a leader, as an entrepreneur? Set those goals and then ask the people who are most affected by those goals whether or not you're living up to them. You may find the confidence and confidence and say, I'm killing it as a friend. And then, baby girl, you could be struggling as a wife and that's okay because you're human and you have the ability to change your ways. I am reminded of David in scripture who by all accounts comes out as a hero whenever he's spoken about but every now and then you see one of those memes and the memes talks about, um, you know, David was a murderer. If you're not a Bible scholar, uh, I'm gonna break it down for you. So David,

this incredible warrior becomes King. He's King. He's at home when he should be at battle with the rest of the saints. When he's at battle, he sees his friend's wife bathing and because he is the King, when he beckons for the wife to come she comes They tried to make it seem like our girl best she was out here being outside bathing on purpose or but first of all like What was the bathtub situation was a granite on the floor probably not it was probably an outside bathtub ministry But that's neither here nor there's secondly You know when the king calls you got to come there's a power imbalance there Some have said in question whether or not this encounter

was one that was consensual because she would have had no choice. She would have risked perhaps death by saying no to David. So anyway, she comes to David, he sleeps with her. After he sleeps with her, she gets pregnant. He kills her husband or has her husband sent to the front line so that he can be intentionally. No, first he asked him to come back home.

The tea is giving housewives. He asked Uriah to come home. So thinking that like Uriah will come home and get him some because he had been gone. Uriah don't get none. Uriah is like, I'm an honorable man. If my men are still outside, I'm not going to be living like they're not outside. I'm going to be living like I'm outside with them. Okay.

And so he's like, dang, we'll go back to the battlefront. But this time getting in front, just stand right in front of all of the trouble and Uriah dies and then he takes to Beth Shiba as his wife, it is a mess. Okay, but then the prophet, Nathan, comes to David and tells David, like he tells, I'm gonna tell you a story.

And when he tells him this story, he was like, what would you think about a man who did X, Y, and Z? He lays it out. When he tells David this story, David's like, I killed that man. There wouldn't be no place in the world for that man. That man wouldn't be nothing if I knew him.

And Nathan was like, boo boo, it's Amira, it's you. He had gotten so off track with his heart posture, his role and responsibility as king, the types of values that he espoused, that he didn't even see himself when someone painted a picture of who he is. There is a possibility that our ways changed so subtly over time that we don't even realize that we are so far from who we used to be. But scripture tells us over and over again that one of the reasons why David was low-key giving God's favor is that he was a man after God's own heart. Whenever he found himself out here slipping on his pimpin, this is the worst Bible lesson there ever was.

Whenever he found himself outside of the will of God, he made it his priority to seek God, to have his heart search, search my heart, oh Lord. I want to know what's inside of me. I want to see what I can't see about me that is causing damage to who I want to be as a leader, as a king, as a friend, as a mother, as a wife, as a sister. What is inside of me? That type of journey is not one that comes easy, but I promise you it is one that is well worth it. What's up everybody? I'm Duane Way and I've been blessed to have so many titles so far in my life. But now I'm adding podcast hosts with my new podcast called The Why with Duane Way.

How did you feel about me in 2006? Well, there wasn't a lot of love there, I'd say. So there was definitely, yeah, there was definitely some cold times. As I step into a new phase of my life after basketball, I find myself with new inspirations, new motivations and new whys. On this show, I will have intimate conversations

with some of the biggest names in sports, in music, in entertainment, in fashion, and we will discuss the Ys in their lives. Everybody welcome Rick Ross to the podcast. My God. My brother Mello, Lindsey Bond, Paul Gasol, Pat Riley. Derrick, welcome.

Listen to the Y with Dwayne on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or whatever you can get your podcast. One of the best shows of the year, according to Apple, Amazon, and Time, is back for another round. We have more insightful conversations between myself, Paul Muldoon, and Paul McCartney about his life and career. We had a big bear of a man, who was called Mal Evans, who was our logo, and he was coming back on the plane.

And he said, will you pass the salt and pepper? And I miss her. I said, what? So I should pass. This season, we're diving deep into some of McCartney's most beloved songs. Yesterday, Band on the Run, Hey Jude. And McCartney's favorite song in his entire catalogue, Here, There and Everywhere. Listen to season two of McCartney, A Life in Lyrics on the iHeart radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Suzy Esmond and I am Jeff Gerlund. Yes, you are. And we are the hosts of the

history of Curb Your Enthusiasm podcast. We're going gonna watch every single episode. It's 122, including the pilot, and we're gonna break them down. And by the way, most of these episodes I have not seen for 20 years. Yeah, me too. We're gonna have guest stars and people that are very important to the show, like Larry David.

I did once try and stop a woman who's about to get hit by a car, I screamed out, watch out! And she said, don't you tell me what to do! And Cheryl Hines. Why can't you just lighten up and have a good time? And Richard Lewis. How am I going to tell him I'm going to leave now?

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H. Ross Perot is on the other side and he goes, hello, Joe, how can I help you? I said, Mr. Perot, what we need is $5 million to get back a moon rock. Another week, we'll unravel a 90s Hollywood mystery. It sounds like it should be the next season of True Detective or something. These Canadian cops trying to solve this 25-year-old mystery

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Subscribe now. I can't help but think that this is the type of journey that Erica Cruz is on. I cannot wait for you all to meet her. Erica Cruz is a boss babe. She is an incredible light. This was my first time having an extended conversation with her, although we did meet randomly. I'll probably share that with you guys next episode because our conversation was long.

I wanna jump right into it. But she is a girl from Jersey who has had to go to the School of Heart Knocks. And yet she has learned so many valuable lessons that even at 29 years old, this woman is a queen. She's wise, she is humble, and she's found herself in a situation because it's something that happened three years ago

where she became someone she didn't even know was inside of her. But the moment that she saw that version of herself that she didn't agree with, she was able to make some changes and to seek God to repent and become different. Now, I talk to people from all different walks of life and I am letting you know that she is definitely someone

who you are going to love when you hear her heart. And I cannot wait for you to experience her lessons. Be compassionate, be empathetic, be open. You're gonna enjoy this. I'm Erica, I'm 29 years old. I'm from New Jersey, I'm from South Jersey. I grew up with my grandparents and they were, they're like really just two old sweet people now,

but back then they were just too rough Spanish people coming over from Puerto Rico, so they were just having it hard. And never had a mom around, never had a dad around. And I spent like majority of my childhood just really confused and just lost, you know, just trying to figure out what my place is. Are your grandparents your mom's parents or your dad's parents?

My mom's parents, yeah, I don't know anybody's from my dad's family at all. My dad passed away when I was a child. And I just never had the pleasure of like meeting his mom and stuff. So I think that's something that really sits with me, but I'm just not really ready to deal with it at this point. I've still just been working through, you know, my mommy issues. My mom is a sweet girl, but she just suffers from like a lot of different problems. She just has like addiction issues and stuff like that. So she's just been always going through the motions. And by the time I was a younger adult, I was just in like a really, I guess like a good word would be like just a crazy career.

You know, I had a really just permiastious career. I was a sex worker for years. And I think that now looking back, I'm like, I'm glad that happened in my life because I learned all the skills that I use now in my business. But you know, it's still something that's like shameful and embarrassing that I'm still working through. You know? So at this stage, I'm a brand strategist, and I'm transitioning to being a mindset coach full time.

I just love talking to people. I love reminding people that anything is possible, that we can do anything that we put our minds to. And I love sharing my story to just like really showcase to people how possible things really are. Wow, okay, so you have to tell me, how did you make the transition from being a sex worker into being a coach?

Okay, so it all started kinda like actually with my clients, like with my male clients. I was like, I'm giving up too much. I need to start pulling back, let me start educating myself on like how I can get more for less time. And I found out about marketing. And marketing just like took me into a whole,

like I was just like, it was so much information that you could learn and I love learning, I enjoy learning new things. So I was on YouTube university, I done took every course you could learn and I love learning. I enjoy learning new things. So I was on YouTube University I didn't took every course you could take, you know, this is before Like course selling was so scary on the internet. I was buying every course you could think of free webinars everything everything. I was just like Drowning information and I was loving it. I was like, okay. I see marketing everywhere. I go now I recognize the commercials. I see the

advertisements on the buses. Everything started to make sense for me now. And I started to be able to convince my clients to give me money without sexual favors, because I started utilizing, you know, storytelling, and I started setting up situations to make more sense. I started to recognize what their real needs were and started to meet them with other needs. Because what I realized is that people just wanted somebody to be really to talk to. People really just needed a way to express themselves. And I think that at that point, when men were meeting me, they didn't even know that that's what they wanted.

But if we started to build some type of conversation amongst each other and I started to pick at you, you know, what's going on with you? Why aren't you happy with what you and you as a child? Things kind of just started to spiral and I'm like, okay, now people are paying me to talk. Okay, this is big. Like, what is this? I'm like, this is like, you know, their piece get paid to listen to people talk. What is this right here? And I don't want to help men. Like, I didn't feel a burning desire for helping men. Like I wanted to help women, but I just didn't really know how.

So I started to just show up in my own city and on Facebook and being like, you know, if you want to start a business, talk to me. I know some stuff. If you need some help, you know, fixing your credit, talk to me, I know some stuff. And I started to share these things with people and it started to work.

So I was like, okay, now Erica, you done built some social proof. Like some people done advanced, they credit it. Some people actually have strong brand identities now. Some people are showing up on social media, creating content, something you did work. And I just started to, you know, really actually charge people for it. And every single time something worked out for me, like I was like surprised. I'm like, wait, this is really happening. Like this is a real thing.

And I think I'm, I actually just was like doing my makeup in a band from earlier and I was just like, I'm finally in the season where I'm not surprised by my blessings. Like I'm like, I'm like doing my makeup and I'm like, damn, I'm really about to be talking to Miss Sarah, but like I don't feel surprised. And I had to ask myself, I'm like, why, I'm really about to be talking to Ms. Sarah. But like, I don't feel surprised. And I had to ask myself, I'm like, why aren't you surprised? And it's because, you know, I pray for this. And of course, guys want to show up for me, you know? So I think really what the gist of it was,

me believing in myself did anything was possible and just showing up for myself even when nothing made sense. Even when everybody was like, what the hell are you talking about? Okay, so you said that you were able to identify what your male clients really needed. So I'm gonna ask you, what is it that you think you really needed during that time?

I think during that time, I needed identity. I needed like just somebody to be. And the easiest person to be was like, you know, the fun lit promissuous girl. I looked good, you know, I had a curvy body. People automatically identified me, you know, as like a girl that I'm attracted to. So because I was automatically a girl that men were attracted to, I just adapted that as my identity. That's really what I wanted back then. Cause I just, I grew up in a home where I was nobody,

you know, like my grandparents were Puerto Rican. They spoke straight Spanish. I was the only black girl in my family. Nobody was really able to teach me anything, talk to me about stuff that nothing made sense to them. They weren't from here. And I just was left confused and lost all the time, didn't know who I was.

And I was like, back then I was proud to be that girl because I wasn't afraid, you know? Like I was not scared. I just was like, this who I am, people gonna like it and not gonna like it. It is what it is. But just after a while, like it just, it just didn't sit right with me anymore. I wanted something different because I knew that that wasn't a long-term path. You know, like that wasn't something you could do forever. There was a time limit on that, no matter who you were.

I had totally relate to that finding your identity and what comes easy based off of what other people kind of project onto you and where you find a sense of belonging. of what other people kind of project onto you and where you find a sense of belonging. And so I feel like I've always had a resiliency but up underneath my resiliency was an uncertainty. And I think when you have resiliency and uncertainty, you are more willing to take chances because you know you can recover,

but you're not as protective over yourself as you should be either because you know that you can recover, but you're not as protective over yourself as you should be either because you know that you can recover from things. And it sounds like as you transition from the work that you were doing, now you're beginning to help clients, that you became more protective over yourself as well, like over your body and the way that you show up. Can you talk to me a little bit about the restoration of your true identity? Like there's who we pretend to be, there's who comes easy to us. And then I think there's this highest, most divine version of who we are, the version that God saw when he formed

us in our mother's womb. And as we tap into that identity, the other identity no longer fits anymore. So can you tell me a little bit about like where you are in that season of like protecting this newfound sense of like confidence and identity that you possess? You know, if I'm being honest, I fought it for a long time. Like even like early on in my transition, it still was just so scary to accept the new version of me because all I knew was the past.

I was always teetering. You know, I was always like one foot in, one foot out. And it came to a point where God was like, well, baby, I'm going to force it on you. You play games and you drink water that's not good for you even after they told you not to and you get sick. And that's what happened to me. I got really, really sick. And during that transition, during all this time of me empowering other people, I still

really wasn't taking care of myself and I was making really poor decisions for myself. My old self was making those decisions. It wasn't my new self because my new self was able to tell other people this great, great information. But my old self was still so deep in my own stomach, so deep into my own court. It was the only voice I was hearing at the time for myself. And so it wasn't until I had my son and really actually before I had my son, when I was pregnant, my son, I was already suffering from postpartum psychosis. So I'm pregnant and I'm depressed and I'm

scared and I'm worried and I'm suicidal and I'm saying to myself, how are you going to raise a child like as this person? You know, like this old version of myself was nowhere near prepared to be the kind of mother that I knew I wanted to be. My old version, I imagined her being a mom like my mom, you know, or like a mom like my grandma, who of course, did their best with the tools that they had, but didn't meet the standard that I had for myself as my son's mother.

And so I had my son and I just went down like a super super deep hole of depression because I was in a toxic Relationship we were very abusive to each other. It was never one-sided and I had got some really Tough information to say the least one night I called my son's dad and a familiar voice answered the phone. And you know, that got me out of bed and I went looking for him and I found him with that familiar voice.

And you know, something just life changing happened that day. And at that time I thought that it was a curse, but now I look back and I really see that it was my blessing. I got into a huge accident that day. Like I hit two people with a car and I never thought that was something that I would do. You know, like as fun and wild and lit as I was,

I was not a harmful person, like somebody who would physically harm somebody. But that was me at my very worst of my old self. Like that was it. You know, God showed me that night, like this is where you will be if you do not change. And you know, the person who answered the phone and my son's dad, they were hurt very badly. And for a long time, I had to just sit with that and think on it and I spent the night in jail. And I just saw like, if you don't change, baby,

this is what it's gonna be like. This is it for you. And even now I'm still dealing with the repercussions to those actions, but in a whole new light. I'm able to see that my shift is happening. I'm able to see that everything happens for a reason. And that the better I show up for myself, the better the world will feel me.

The better my actions will showcase into the world. And I just, you know, I just take it day by day now. And I'm just doing my best to just still accept all that I had been through, all the mistakes that I made and still accept that I'm becoming and will be an even better woman tomorrow and the day after and the day after. will be an even better woman tomorrow and the day after and the day after. So, I tell this story about after I hit, it was my ex-husband at the time and he was in

the car with someone else and I hit the car with them in it over and over again. They called the police on me and I had to go to CPS to Child Protective Services because my kids were at home and I was outside. And I think my daughter at the time, she was like, maybe a year old, my son was seven or eight. And I just lost it. Like I just lost it. And I think one of the things that I know now

that I'm able to put into language now that I could have to put into language now that I could have never put into language then, is that I think the reason why I was so upset was it had less to do with what was happening cause that was not a surprise on paper. Like there were a lot of signs that this is probably the kind of, that's what he's on, you know? But I think I was fighting for what I thought was like

my dignity, my respect, my identity. And when I was walking out of that CPS office, I just had one thought and that was like, I can do better than this. I think I can do better than this. And that reclaiming of my power and my identity from other people and a surrender to God like, okay, so now here's my rap sheet God, like I've done this, I did that, I did this, but if what

they say about you is true, like I want to know what you can do with what I have left. And that posture of surrender, I think is what changed everything in my life. And it sounds like where you are too. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Right now I feel like, like I'm living in a multiverse. You know, like I am literally receiving some of the biggest blessings that I've ever had in my life. But I'm also about to move back home, you know? And like,

and possibly prepare to do some time for the mistakes that I made. And, you know, just as mad as I wanna be at the people who, you know, I could be mad at, I'm really just doing my best to just be thankful that it didn't end up even worse, you know? Like, a lot of things in life could have just been worse. So just really living in a space of appreciation

and gratefulness, and also just doing my best to explore what positivity looks like for me. So this is the first time in my life where like I've been actively going to church, I've been actively watching sermons because I didn't have an identity, you know, I did not know how to connect with my source. But now I'm just doing this so freely and just, you know, enjoying how it comes and whatever form that it comes. And things are really working

out for me. And if I'm going to be surprised by anything, I'm going to be surprised at how much better things came to me than I expected, you know? Yeah. I love what you said about exploring what positivity looks like for you because sometimes we can get like so caught up in what went wrong or how we were wronged or what we did wrong that we think that positivity only has one definition. But to be able to say like, what does it look like for me to have a positive outlook with these cards that are in my hand? I feel like that's super powerful. The other

thing that I love is like, what I hear you saying is like, you are surrendering to the accountability because a lot of times it's like, I mean, we do things, you know, maybe we feel justified, maybe if someone fully understand what we were working with in our background, like they would be willing to say, you know what, I understand how you got there. But just because someone understands how you got somewhere, it doesn't change the fact that you're here. And there are consequences to wherever you are now. And it sounds like you're willing to like really say, you know what, like, I'm gonna eat this plate, I dished it,

I'm gonna eat it, but I'm not gonna let it change me or change my mind about who I am. Yeah. And at the very least, if I let it change me and change my mind about who I am, it'll be the negative things to the positive things, you know? And this is like, accountability has got me very far, you know, as of today. Just being able to say like, you know, they did what they did.

And I reacted how I reacted. And it is what it is. You know what I mean? Like the world is truly divine and everything really happens for a reason and so if that did not happen that day Well, who would I be today? You know, what kind of mother would I be able to show up as today? What what? How much farther would it have won if it did not happen that day? And so I'm just grateful for that You know, I'm really grateful for all the grace that has been given to me and really for myself.

Because the reality is that I didn't just deal myself these cards, you know? Like these cards were dealt to me from above. And you know, some people say that you pick your parents. Maybe I did. But I know that I'm not, that version of me is not too far off from who I was raised to be.

My mother has been years and years and years of jail and jail for hurting people, for making mistakes. I remember I was like, 11 years old and my mom went off to jail for like six years. She went to jail, she was pregnant at the time, and she went to jail for cutting somebody from neck to neck, and at that time, I didn't realize it. Before I made this mistake,

I didn't realize that that ever affected me. Now being able to look back and reflect, I'm like, damn, I really was raised around a lot of violence, around a lot of people who could not communicate, who could not use their words, who didn't know how to express themselves. And the fact that I'm even able to do these things at all. Maybe I'm not the best at it just yet.

Maybe I haven't perfected it and I'm not an expert just yet, but the fact that I can even do these things when no one came along and taught me this as a child, I gotta give myself some praises for that. And also God, like thank you God for helping me see that there is different paths that I can take. You know? That's like giving me chills,

cause not everyone has the ability to be compassionate with themselves in such a way that they see, like a lot of times we are upset about the decision we made, but we don't look at the context in which we made the decision. And when we look at that decision in context, it wasn't like I was this terrible person who did something out of the blue. Like this was within my environment. I, you know, I moved to LA almost 10 years ago when I met my husband and now we live back in Dallas and being back in Dallas as an adult woman is helping me to kind of like relive who I was before I got pregnant at 13 and when I

relive who I was before I got pregnant at 13 like I was lonely, I was isolated, my parents were busy, I was angry, I didn't understand God and I found somebody somebody who was like, you're beautiful, you're cool, that gave me a sense of belonging. So for me, and then I hear my daughter, she's 14, and the music, and I was listening to R. Kelly at 13, I'm like, of course I had sex. Like, I'm like, duh, what else am I doing? Yeah.

It just, it helps me to understand, like you weren't just this bad girl and no one, like it was there, it was within your environment. And now that I'm more sensitive to environments, like I know how to protect myself better. I know how to make wiser decisions, but I wouldn't have known that unless I had these experiences.

Yeah. And you know what makes it so hard about like having compassion for yourself is that one, you can find yourself not being accountable because you use the, you know, these, these compassion figures as excuses. You know, that's one thing. Like just having that fine line between compassion and excuses was always hard for me. But then like the outside shame that you get from people who do not respect and understand why you have compassion for yourself. Those people who say, it doesn't matter how your parents treated you, it doesn't matter

how you grew up, you should have known better, you should have did this, you should have did that. And it's just like, is that like scientifically correct though? Right, cause- Is that really true? The math ain't mathin' Cause everything about math is saying that if you don't have this and you do have this and this is who you become, now yes,

we can change that, we can revert it, but we have to be aware of what we're changing in the first place. So, you know, if you don't have compassion for yourself in this world, then you are going to end up ashamed, rejected and dejected because in this cancel culture, in this world where we get our giggles off of someone's failure or someone's mistakes being displayed, like if you don't have, if you don't find a way to love yourself the way God loves you, to see yourself the way God sees you

and to trust that his grace is really sufficient for you, then you are going to put yourself on sale to the highest bidder or you're gonna put yourself on clearance because you're gonna be performing for other people instead of holding on to yourself. And I think that what you did, what I did, was like at the end of the day, I'm taking my worth back from who I was or what I did.

I'm taking my worth back from this relationship. And I'm really gonna believe that my worth can become, can come from me pursuing a life of wholeness, intentionality, righteousness, and to be a reflection of God on the earth. That's it. Like I wanna start what God is doing in the earth. If I can do it with these dirty hands

and this dirty past and this dirty life, then I'm here God and God's showing up and he's using you. And you know, I think he's using me sometimes. Yeah, I know he's using you. Like if God says, yes, who the hell is anybody else to say no? Yeah.

You know, I think like People really forget what the words mean like if God is willing to forgive us if we repent Why are we not just allowed to forgive ourselves if we Like why not and I think that just in this last year, I had really given myself space to forgive myself. And I had so many amazing things that transpired that I was able to look and really see God

show that in my life. I was really able to be like, Erica, you was able to do, you went to Paris, you saw Beyonce, you been to Barcelona, you went to this podcast with saw Beyonce, you been to Barcelona, you went to this podcast with somebody that you really admire. Just last year, my best friend bought me a ticket to go, she gave me the money to go to your conference.

And I had to use the money for something else. You know, I had to, I had to make a good decision. And I'm like, it's fine, you know, if I'm meant to be there next year, I'm gonna be there next year, it's gonna be on God's timing. You know, if I'm meant to be there next year, I'm going to be there next year. It's going to be on God's time. And look who we are today. Like, if God is going to tell me, yes, why do I

got to be the one to tell myself, no. That's really the mantra that I've been using in my mind. It's something you said just really stuck out to me, because it's been a thought in the back of my mind, but I didn't really sit on it long enough. Last year, I had the opportunity to move back in with my grandparents. And I moved back in and I stayed there for one month.

My goal was to move back in, stay there for the year and save some money, pay down some debt, because that was a whole nother thing that came with my last relationship, a mountain of debt. And I didn't take that opportunity. God gave it to me. And I say, no, no,

I'm gonna move back into another apartment. I'm gonna do the Instagram thing. I'm gonna get a luxury spot. You know, everything is about content and being TikTok worthy. And no, I cannot have no white friends. And now, a year later, God would be right back in the same position.

He says, listen, I'm going to force you to go back home and deal with the things that you did not deal with when you were a child. Because it's still the same house. It's still the same walls. I'm going back to the same exact bedroom and it's a blessing. You know, when I was a child, I didn't recognize the blessing that I had at hands that I had two grandparents that were so hard to buy a house in America and give me a life that they never had. Now at 29, I'm able to be like, damn, y'all did y'all big one. Like y'all really did the damn thing.

And if y'all were able to do that, what am I incapable of doing? So I think now just being able to go home and really just bask in my grandparents energy and appreciating them and being able to communicate and then saying, listen, now we gotta set some boundaries, you know, you can't call me a black girl

who'll act you by my hair, you know, just set certain boundaries up first, but then saying, so tell me more about your upbringing. You know, I don't know about my grandparents. I don't know what it was like in Puerto Rico. I don't know what it was like, you know, being one of 11 other children, like so many other factors came in for them

that now I cannot wait to move back home. I'm on vacation right now. I'm going back home the day after I come back from vacation. And I'm just like so excited to really talk to my grandparents and get to know them now and learn like what who are we where did we come from and how can I teach my son to be as strong and as willful as y'all. Okay, so you mentioned that you may be up against some time. Like what are you looking at? What's happening?

Okay, so my last chord there, I kind of, I took like a three with a flat. So like a three with a flat means like, you could do one or two months, you know, and get ISP, which is like a form of probation. You would do like nine months max, you know and get ISP, which is like a you know a form of probation You would do like nine months max if for whatever reason you wasn't eligible for the probation I've never committed any type of crime in my life. I've never been in any trouble So like I believe I'll be on the on the lower end of it, but I'm still leaving room for miracles

You know like yeah at this point leave a room for miracles. You know? Like at this point, me and my judge have never been in like direct communication like about my story, about what happened and things like that. And the day of your sentencing, that's when you really get that opportunity.

So I'm just staying open for miracles because the way I look at it is I do have to go do time. Then I will get a break from this loud world and I'll be able to do some more work within that I've been wanting to do. I can write a book, I can work out, I can get rest. I can really learn how to meditate. I can connect with more people who really need

more motivation. It's so many people in jail that need motivation. Maybe that's the next corner that God wants me to touch. I don't know. But I think just for me, the scariest part So many people in jail that need motivation. Maybe that's the next corner that God wants me to touch. I don't know. But I think just for me, the scariest part is just leaving my son. Yeah.

Just like, I guess this is my biggest fear, coming into fruition. I'd never wanted to be like my mom. And now I'm being like my mom, you know, by going to jail and leaving my son. But I learned a big lesson. And I hope everybody who listens to this, like if you don't take nothing else from this,

like please take this, like focus on what you do want. Like I focus solely on what I did not want and who I did not want to be and what I did not want to become. And I want to be and what I did not want to become and I Swear to God all those things came right to me everything. I did not want the kind of relationship I did not want the woman I did not want to be the financial problems I did not want to have all those things landed right on my lap because I was so focused on them And the universe doesn't understand what you don't want is just whatever you put out there

It's want to bring to you. And so now I'm just really focusing on what I do. And I want freedom. I want opportunities. And I wanna be able to help other people. And so here we are. Isn't there a part of you that just feels so warm and fuzzy on the inside?

If she can show that level of openness and vulnerability and maturity and accountability and hope and faith and optimism in the midst of what she has gone on, then certainly we can take some of that today as well. When I tell you all, we met in the most random way, it's gonna be confirmation to you that God, just God be God and like, like no other God. There is no other God above him.

And that's on period. What's up everybody? I'm Duane Way and I've been blessed to have so many titles so far in my life. But now I'm adding podcast hosts with my new podcast called The Why with Duane Way. How did you feel about me in 2006? Well there wasn't a lot of love there I'd say. So there was definitely, yeah, there was definitely some cold times. As I step into a new phase of my life after basketball, I find myself with new inspirations, new motivations, and new whys. On this show, I will have intimate conversations with some of the biggest names in sports,

in music, in entertainment, in fashion, and we will discuss the Y's in their lives. Everybody welcome Rick Ross to the podcast. My god. My brother Mello, Lindsey Bond, Paul Gasol, Pat Riley, Derrick Gasol. Welcome. Listen to the Y with Duane Or on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or whatever you can get your podcasts. One of the best shows of the year, according to Apple, Amazon and Time, is back for another round. We have more insightful conversations between myself, Paul Muldoon and Paul McCartney about his life and career. We had a big bear of a land, it's called Maladins, it was on the road, and it was going back on the plane.

And he said, will you pass the salt and pepper? And I miss herding. I said, what? It's actually better. This season we're diving deep into some of McCartney's most beloved songs. Yesterday, Band on the Run, Hey Jude, and McCartney's favorite song in his entire catalogue, Here, There, and Everywhere.

Listen to season two of McCartney, A Life in Lyrics, on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Suzy Esmond. And I am Jeff Garland. Yes, you are. And we are the hosts of the history of Curb Your Enthusiasm Podcast. We're gonna watch every single episode.

It's 122, including the pilot, and we're gonna break them down. And by the way, most of these episodes I have not seen for 20 years. Yeah, me too. We're gonna have guest stars and people that are very important to the show, like Larry David. I did once try and stop a woman who was about to get hit

by a car, I screamed out, watch out! And she said, don't you tell me what to do! And Cheryl Hines. Mike, why can't you just lighten up and have a good time? And Richard Lewis. How am I gonna tell him I'm going to leave now? Can you do it on the phone? Do you have to do it in person?

What's the deal? Not just on cable. You have to go in and see human beings help you. And then we're going to have behind the scenes information. Tidbits. Yes, tidbits is a great word. Anyway, we're both a wealth of knowledge about this show because we've been doing it for 23 years.

So subscribe now and you could listen to the history of Kerber enthusiasm on iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you happen to get your podcasts. So subscribe now and you could listen to the history of cover enthusiasm on I heart radio app apple podcast or wherever you happen to get your podcasts. episode. One week, we'll be on the case with special agents from NASA as they crack down on black market moon rocks. H. Ross, pro's on the other side and goes, hello Joe, how can I help you? I said, Mr. pro, what we need is $5 million to get back a moon rock. Another week, we'll unravel a 90s Hollywood mystery.

It sounds like it should be the next season of True Detective or something. These Canadian cops trying to solve this 25 year old mystery of who's like the child or on the Titanic set a very special episode is stranger than fiction. It's normal people plop down in extraordinary circumstances, it's a story where you say this should be a movie. Listen to very special episodes on the I heart radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your

podcasts. Hello beautiful people, I'm say it again Grammy winner and 2-time Oscar nominated singer songwriter and passionate knitter and now host of my very own show the uppity knitter podcast celebrity hobbies uncovered. Every wonder how celebrities spend their spare time when they're not on stage or in the studio or in front of a camera? Well I'm calling all my celebrity friends to come on my show and spill the tea on what

they're up to when the camera's not on. Friends like RuPaul and how about actor and comedian Marlon Wayans. And you'd be surprised to know which female musician and recording artist is also an expert in archery? Tune in to the Upadineater podcast, Celebrity Hobbies Uncovered. With me, Sahida Garrett, for a stitch of inspiration and pearls of laughter. Subscribe now on the iHeart radio app and Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm going to unpack that with you all next week, but before we go, we're going to try and rescue

somebody. I need you all to start offering yourselves up. If you do not want to be on the rescue committee cause you don't want your voice heard, you don't want to send us a video, send me a letter. I will read your rescue letter. Tell me about how you out here letting these kids eat cereal. Tell me about how you out here staying in a bed when you said that you was going to go to the party. Tell me about how you out here telling folks,

absolutely not setting boundaries and wondering if you need a floaty or not. Are you tripping or are you doing the work of the Lord? We don't know until you tell us. Email me at podcast at womanybob.com because I want to hear your story. Before we go, listen, I think that we should rescue some concert goers. I saw this last month that Madonna concert goers were suing her for her New York City show because she was two hours late and they had to get up early for work the next day. And that's on boom, because if I arrange childcare,

I arrange makeup, I get me an outfit, I get a car, I park, I walk, and you two hours late and I gotta work tomorrow, somebody out of pain, it ain't gonna be me, okay? Cause I am taking the day off tomorrow and I need PTO and they don't have to give it to me. I want you to give me pay time off for my time. Oh wait, are we re, no, geez, see that's why I stopped doing this.

We need to rescue Madonna. Who am I rescuing? Lord help me. Nobody, Jesus, do your thing. Only you Lord. Maybe. I can't even do it. All right, listen, y'all send me y'alls rescue.

I wanna rescue y'all. I don't wanna rescue randoms. Okay, please get it. All right, listen, y'all send me y'alls rescue. I wanna rescue y'all. I don't wanna rescue randoms, okay? Please get it. Please understand the concept. Love it and send me letters, okay? Cause this is why I stopped doing it. Cause like what do I sound like? Like let's rescue Madonna for being late for two hours.

I mean, it happens. Life happens, but you know, let's be compassionate. Let's see things the way the Lord sees them. It's it's Lord trying to rescue me down It's me into a Confusion, I don't know you all help me send me an email. I love you. I hope you have an amazing week God we've been listening to this podcast. We've heard about temptation We understand what it's like when our ways are showing up differently than our heart God, I pray that you would give us the courage

to see ourselves, the good, the bad, the not so beautiful, and to love ourselves just enough to change. Love ourselves just enough to say, I can do better than this, to love ourselves enough to say, this isn't what God wants from me and this isn't what I want from myself.

It may be hard, it may be scary. We may think we're too insecure to see ourselves as anything other than who we are right now. But it's not true because the more we see opportunity to change, the more we become more like you. Above all, we wanna be made in the image of God. So thank you for the Holy Spirit that leads us, convicts us, guides us, changes us,

and makes us better than we were. Bless my girls this week. Bless them in all that they do and all the ways that they heal and keep them good and safe until next week. In Jesus' name, amen. I'm Duane Way and I've been blessed to have so many titles so far in my life. But now I'm Duane Wade and I've been blessed to have so many titles so far in my life.

But now I'm adding podcast hosts with my new podcast called The Why with Duane Wade. On this show, I will have intimate conversations with some of the biggest names in sports, in music, in entertainment, in fashion, and we will discuss The whys in their lives. Listen to the whys with Duane Wade on the iHeartRadio App, Apple Podcast or wherever you can get your podcast. One of the best shows of the year, according to Apple, Amazon and Time, is back for another round. We had a big bear of a man who was called Mal Evans, who was on the roadie. And he's coming back on

the plane and he said, will you pass the salt and pepper? And I miss her then. I said, what? Salt and pepper. Listen to season two of McCartney, A Life in Lyrics on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It sounds like it should be the next season of True Detective. These Canadian cops trying to solve this mystery of who spiked the chowder on the Titanic set. Listen to very special episodes on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We are the hosts of the History of Curb Your Enthusiasm podcast. Now we're going to be rewatching and talking about every single episode, and we're going to break it down and give behind-the-scenes knowledge that a lot of people don't know, and we're going to be joined by special guests, including Larry David and Cheryl Hines,

Richard Lewis, Bob Odenkirk, and so many more, and we're going to have clips, and it's just going to be a lot of fun. So listen to the History of Curb Your Enthew enthusiasm on iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you happen to get your podcasts. This is Adam Davidson, and I'm talking with John Cipher and Jerry O'Shea. So what did you guys do for a living? We worked in the CIA for 30 plus years,

trying to recruit and run spies around the world. We are the guys who steal secrets. And we deal with a lot of conspiracy theories inside of the agency. Yeah, each episode we take a conspiracy and deconstruct it. Listen to Mission Implausible on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.