Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Defeating Self-Sabotage w/ Taylor Madu

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

This month on the podcast, prepare to R E I G N I T E a flame of hope! Guest co-host, Taylor Madu, provides good insight on how to fill the voids in our life. As a wife, mom, and co-pastor, she explained how to overcome self-defeating behaviors by getting out of our own way. In a breathtakingly beautiful testimony, Taylor revealed to SJR that nothing can separate her from the love of Jesus and W.E. believe it. Not teenage pregnancy, parental substance abuse, failure, nor shame! Sis, are you willing to break covenant with dysfunction? If so, this episode was made for you. A gentle reminder of what it means to be covered by grace! Stop what you’re doing and hit up BetterHelp.com/Evolve + download the BetterSleep app + sign up for WomanEvolveBookClub.com—these are the perfect pick-me-ups your summer needs!

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I've built that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's their all things. All things, all things.

Child. So believe it or not, especially if you've been listening to this podcast for a long time, I have found some joy in waking up at 4.30 in the morning to work out at five. It sounds ridiculous. Because if you've listened to this podcast, then you know that sleep is my hobby, it is my favorite thing to do. It is my number one ministry. And yet the only way that I can fit in working out and showing up in my life is if I get up

earlier. So one night it was the night right before my kids were starting a school again after spring break. My daughter Ella wakes up in the middle of the night at three o'clock in the morning and she's not going back to sleep, which means that when it is time for me to box, this girl is gonna be up. So I'm like, I can either cancel boxing

or I can bring her with me. I make the decision to bring her with me. Terrible decision, but that's how committed I am. So we're sitting in the boxing class. And of course, she's like wanting to learn how to box. And she's got her arms up and she's moving her feet. And he's trying to teach her how to swing a punch. But every time she's throwing a punch, she's like turning her whole body.

The momentum of the punch is knocking her off course. Finally, I'm like, Ella, you've got to really station yourself here and just move your arms. She was giving it all of her might, but she kept getting in her own way. That's what it feels like sometimes when we're going through life. You tell them how struggle but I'm trying to swing it this decision. I'm trying to swing it this job opportunity. I'm giving it all of my might, but I just keep getting in my own way. This pattern, this self-sabotage that shows up in our life is not something that we do on purpose. Most of the time it's rooted in thoughts, experiences, projections that have changed the way that we see ourselves, our potential, and sometimes even others.

There's a guy in the Bible named Samson who had so much potential, so much strength, but he too kept getting in his own way. When we recognize that there is a pattern that is standing in the way of us becoming the best version of ourselves, we have a responsibility to make sure that we reintroduce a new pattern. When I think about my conversation with Taylor Mando, that's exactly what comes to mind. I think about a woman who recognized her pattern at an early age and is actively choosing to reintroduce a new pattern. This conversation is going to be so pivotal for someone who has found themselves trying to undo the things that get us stuck and introduce a pattern that keeps us open, aware, empowered, strengthened, and encouraged to become all that we can be. I'm so excited about how this

conversation is going to bless you, so I don't want to delay it any longer. Let's go and let's help you get you out of your way. You have a motto I'm obsessed with. What is it? You don't know your motto. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making people feel less pregnant. Where did this come from? My story. My story. Yeah.

So my story, it's actually interesting because it's a lot like your story. Really? I don't know that. I don't know anything about you. I'm not sure. We're meeting for the first time on every night in front of everyone with an audience. We have a lot of mutual friends. Yes. And everyone is told me that I would love you. They're like, you love Sarah. Now we're about to first date in front of a whole podcast. That's true.

Okay. Let's do it. No. So when I was 17, I got pregnant out of wedlock. My father was in evangelist, I grew up PK. And I heard about the Savior my whole life, right? I tend to church, faithful in the church. And then all of a sudden I hit rock bottom, make a bad decision, get pregnant out of bedlock, small town, everyone's talking about it. But I say that because Chris was saved in 2005. I gave birth to my baby boy who was still born. So I was eight and a half months, was it seven and a half, seven and a 32 weeks, so whatever

that is, held my baby boy for 18 and a half hours. And it was in that moment when I held him in the hospital room that I said, okay, I've heard about this Jesus my whole life. Here I am in the valley of the shadow of death and I can't, I don't really know what's next, but I know that now it's time to walk out what I've always sung about, heard about, preached about myself as a teen and God met me there. And it was in that brokenness that I decided the way that Jesus exposed Himself to me in the valley. I wanted to be that for others, right? And so that's my life message, grace, grace, grace, grace. That's like a

loaded thing on the front end of this podcast. It's fine, we go deep, we go fast. Like, there you go. Everything's fine, we go deep, we go fast. I enjoy this. Yes. Okay, so I can only imagine, first of all, do people ask you the ignorant question?

They always ask me like, how does the daughter of someone so indepregnate as a teenager? You know what? I think it was a shock for everyone, but I don't know. It was like, it wasn't as for me as hard as what you would think it would be. And I think that came from the security that my parents gave me.

I love that they actually didn't just preach about grace, but they covered me in a moment where it was very, it was very shaming, right? And I've known a lot of people to who are believers to, you know, cover it and hide it in some way, you know, but they were like, you know what? You made a mistake. The baby is not the mistake and God has a plan and purpose for your baby. We're gonna rally around you and we're going to figure this thing out. And so I thank their confidence and reward. And loving me past my failure and my shame is what allowed me to rise up to knowing that God is a guy that makes all things new. Okay, he's a guy that makes all things new even when I mess up in my failure. And so I think their confidence

instilled in me a confidence, right? I didn't even know I had until I was forced to tap into it. And I found it there. So it's very interesting because he has a PK. But it wasn't as hard as what I thought it would be. So what do you think the plan and purpose of your baby boy's life was? Man, that's a good question.

I've actually shared my testimony for 17 years and no one has ever asked me that. You know what? I was trapped. So growing up in the ministry, Hill was just fighting our family, right? So my parents divorced when I was seven. And my mom, her journey of addiction began. She was my superhero, right? She my parents divorced when I was seven. And my mom, her journey of addiction

began. She was my superhero, right? She could do no wrong. My dad was traveling the world preaching Jesus powerful, right? So it was, it was an honor to share him with the world, as you would know. And, but while he was traveling the world, my reality was, I was at home and my mom was drifting away alive, but not like living, right? So addiction is very hard. You know, especially when it's your superhero. So overnight our little family is really destroyed torn apart. And then now the said my mom's addiction starts. And so that caused a brokenness in me a lot of voids in my heart. Didn't realize it it was happening, but then day in, day out, year after year, all of a sudden, it led me into a relationship and that was feeling a void. It was great, and it filled a void, but really it was leading me to death. It was terrible. I think from there, I would have stayed in that.

I loved hard, I'm a lover, like I'm loyal. One of the things that I learned in therapy, I'm the queen of therapy, I love therapy. My counselor, I said, I don't know why I stayed in this relationship because it was so dysfunctional. I never knew why I kept going back and what she told me really transformed my life and she said, I was trying to be for him when I had so long for someone to be for me.

And that was like, present, I'm not going to leave you. I believe in you. Because of the shattering of the divorce and my mom's addiction, I felt like I was never enough. And so I was trying to do for someone what I longed for someone to do for me, which kept me in this dysfunctional relationship, right? And so the pregnancy really just made me wake up to what I was doing, like what the heck, right?

But then I really did believe God had a plan and purpose to spite my failures. But losing Micah, I named him Micah, because it means God's mouthpiece. And I committed him to the Lord that day. My name is Micah and I said, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making people feel less broken.

Whether it's like coffee, whether it's on a podcast. I think there weren't even podcasts then, you know? Whether it's in arenas, like whatever that looks like, my mission is to tell of this Jesus that met me in the lowest part of my life. And I feel like it was a rescue mission. I really do believe, even though it was so painful, it was a moment where I learned Jesus in a way,

no one could take that from me. And I don't even think anyone could teach me that. Yeah. You know, like I said, I was raised in ministry so I'd heard my whole life about this Jesus, but it was something about that moment in the hospital bed, holding my baby, where he revealed himself in a different way. And that's, I feel like that's what is carrying me

into who Taylor is today. So Micah was rescued, you know, from me, from not doing things right, rescued from most likely not having his father in his life. Yeah. from most likely not having his father in his life. And God has, I've spent the rest of my life, I've obviously been spending my life in gosh, for 17 years now, undoing, unbecoming, who I was becoming and trying to become who God has called me to be. I haven't arrived, still learning, still growing, still still trying to figure it out.

But it was that moment that I feel like I learned Jesus in a new way, which will carry me all the days of my life, you know. I would define self-sabotage as actively playing a role in your own demise. And it's so subtle though, because when we are actively playing a role in our own demise, that role that we're playing also brings with it a lot of comfort. You know, there are dysfunctional relationships, even addiction, like there is something that we are receiving from whatever role we're playing, even though it's leading to us having levels of self-sabotage. It sounds like you broke covenant with that decision to comfort yourself, even if it came at the risk of dysfunction.

From there, how does your story unfold? How do you go from the girl who's trying to help herself heal herself and to someone who completely surrenders? We never make any. Well, obviously you've made mistakes, but like did you ever have moments where you question yourself or where you felt back into that pattern

after the pregnancy, after you gave birth to your son? Yeah, actually, yeah. So one thing I've learned about following Jesus is that he'll call you to do things that actually will crush you. And that was the hardest thing was actually leaving behind those that I love so deeply. I actually will crush you. And that was the hardest thing was actually leaving behind those that I love so deeply.

And not just like specifically with that relationship, but everyone connected to that person, right? It was a life, yeah, I felt called to these people. I would give my life for these people. I also felt, I feel like I've almost, I almost carry the savior complex. Like being someone's hero is what also empower me and kept me in things because I just wanted to rescue people.

I wanted to love people. I wanted to prove I'm never gonna leave you. And that comes from my childhood, right? So I think leaving behind those people and telling them God is calling me here, like it didn't make sense to them. Like they couldn't comprehend what he meant, God's calling you here. Like it didn't make sense to them. Like they couldn't comprehend what he meant, God's calling you.

And like, I'm never going to talk to you again. That was hard. But I knew that I had to a release and trust God with them. Like, I'm not their savior. He is. And so God is calling me here. So I'm going to have to cut this off and just move forward and trust that he's working on their behalf, right?

Yeah. And I think that's the biggest challenge is that through therapy and through just growing and maturing as a believer, there are things that God does in an instant. He'll do it. He's able to deliver you in a moment, absolutely. But also God is a God of process. Right. And so I literally, the first two to three years, I would move forward and then I'd move backwards. Two to three years is strong. I would say probably the first year. I would war. I would go back to my hometown and I would and it was like so tempting because it would fill that

void still, right? There was a moment though that I shared my testimony at CFNI where I went to college. And that's actually the night my husband was there in the room. So he was the guest speaker, another college student. It's like the sweetest story, right? But he was in the room. I'm always like, thank you, Jesus, that you allowed him to hear my junk. And my cramp. My cramp.

My cramp. At the beginning, so he knew. And I was like, you know what I'm about. So like, make sure that you're ready, right? And so with that being said, I think that put a different level of responsibility on me that I've now shared my story. So now I got to hold up to that story. But there were definitely moments where I was tempted

to go backwards. But I think just through the grace of God and I will scream to, you know, top of my lungs, how much therapy has transformed my life. He's a wonderful counselor. You know, that's who Jesus is. And so you hear, you know, we sit and listen to preachers, which is amazing, right? We listen to podcasts. We read books, which is amazing, right? We listened to podcasts, we read books, which is amazing,

but I would say sitting across a table with someone who literally will keep the ugliest parts of me, like there's nothing to her benefit. Peggy is her name, shout out Peggy, my queen. She is literally, she's walked with me for 15 years and she's seen the me for 15 years. Wow. And she's seen the ugliest parts of me. And I think the lies that I believe when they stay hidden,

the enemy just has a heyday on that. But it's something about speaking out what I think I've aligned myself to and then someone speaking truth was the truth to success is free. And so I've spent what 15 years trying to be free. Yeah. And there's still moments where even in my marriage or moments of mothering, parenting,

I'll, I need to, I need some healing thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so that's why I think this idea that we've arrived and it's like everything's gonna be good. I think until the only time we've arrived is when we get to heaven and everything's perfect. But until then, it's like I think there's a war in our mind.

There's a war in our hearts and you gotta figure out what works for you and for me, it's been Jesus. You know, for me, it's been therapy. For me, it's been dying to self, bathing my life, spending a life of prayer in the Word of God. So yeah. I thought you said you wanted to read more this year. Listen, I'm not minding your business just holding you accountable.

But since I get it, adulting is raggedy and life barely gives us enough time to pick up a book, let alone read it. But since you're on my homegirls, I've done the legwork. All you have to do is pull up on the Woman Evolved Book Club. There are two ways to join the Woman Evolved Book Club membership. It provides a monthly book box that includes your book and a special gift, whereas the digital content membership says, bring your own book in any format and come kick it with us. Both memberships include digital reading guides, reflection prompts, a custom playlist, and access to an exclusive Facebook group. Need I say more? Child, tell a friend to tell a friend that we be clubbing. Sign up at

womanevolvebookclub.com by June 10th to receive July's book and say $5 off your first monthly subscription by using promo code Read. That's R-E-A-D Read. I'm excited to have you join us on this journey and we'll be looking for you and our Facebook community. Okay, so I have like 3,000 questions I want to ask you. I feel like I'm talking too much. You know, just so it's just so.

Everything's fine. Okay, so I'm going to ask all three of them and then you can just pick them up and I'll find the right thing. I want to know what happened with your mom, what happened with her story of addiction. I want to know when you're having these moments and you're like, I need some healing there. I want to know what the alternative is, if I don't heal this, then what? And I want to know your love story. So like, where are we starting?

What are we doing? What, hey, questions. I'm just wondering what we do. What are we doing? So, okay, let's see. My mom, my mom is, you know, I think you have to find the beauty. I love my mom. And there's so many things that I do in my, you know,

my role now as a mother of three. I'm like, oh, I'm doing this because of my mom. You know, like she taught me this, like gardening, planning flowers, going outside, animal, I love animals, do you like animals? Uh-oh. Yeah. Listen, going out of that is.

Yeah. I like to eat some food. Some food. I'm just looking literally a goat's ass. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks.

I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks.

I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I like to eat some snacks. I'm literally dead. How does someone have so many things to look at? I'm concerned. What? I rescued a squirrel.

What's my old told you? I'm gonna send them. I said, no one's gone down. I'm a what? She hear me. There it is. I'm not asking everybody. You're a squirrel. So I've been interrogating my dog. Got it. It was a baby.

I went and took it in, both at it and his name's Sunny. And he's actually a whole thing. Is he out into the world? Are you still with me? Yes. He lived with us non-mits. And then you just released your shirt? It was very hard.

It was devastating. I think you got out of the cage. Really? It was a whole story. He was going to do a whole video. Okay. So there's that. Okay.

There's that thing I'm talking about again. And we're all like to risk it. Yeah, it's world. That's, but you know what it's beautiful. Is it? I feel like you're either for it or like makes And we're all like to rescue. Yeah, squirrels. That's, but you know what it's beautiful. Is it? It is. I feel like you're either for it

or like makes you feel uncomfortable. Like, I don't understand. I don't understand. You don't ask can they stay at my house? By baby, do what you need in there. For sure. For sure. He's like for real.

No, so wait, where was I going? Your mom. Your mom. The ghost. Yes, yeah. The ghost. OK, so my mom rescued us a girl when I was like, oh, your mom. Your mom. The ghost. Yes. Yeah. The ghost. Okay, so my mom rescued us girl when I was little. So there's that.

No, but there's so many great things about her and qualities that I love and that I want to carry. Carry on. I think, you know, at the end of the day, it was what we were talking about earlier. Like as pastors, there's this expectation, a perfection, leaders, public figures, whatever you want to call it.

There's just like this expectation. I think, is parents, like as children looking at our parents, there's an expectation of perfection. And now that I'm a mom, I'm like, oh my gosh, please don't hold that against me. Please don't hold against me that I just yelled and told you to shut up in your seven. It's a reality, right? So then I'm like, okay, I always say, Lord, where I lack, like your grace, fills the gap. And like once again, I'm mom, I'm not savior, you're savior. So I try to take myself off that pedestal and, you know,

and release that pressure. Where my mom is at now on a journey, you know? There's been moments where I've been like, yes, like, you know, she's gotten out of rehab and we celebrate. And it's just like incredible. I think it's her journey, her story. I love her with Alma Hart, she's my mom and I always try to honor her in everything that I do. So it's not easy, but also another day with her. It's like a gift because she didn't be here.

A lot of ways. She'll openly talk, just different moments of suicide or, you know, all the things that comes with addiction. It's hard, but it's also just another element. I'm huge on empathy, huge on it. Like the moment people walk in a room and they've, I don't know, they don't acknowledge the other people in the room, they've arrived. They're too good to say hello.

I don't know, it's something about those broken parts't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. and I've seen so many people in my life, everyone in my life, and for honest, all of us, we're all jacked up, right? So I think that's what that's given me. So in the hardships, I also have such an appreciation because it's kept me just at his feet.

Like Lord, I'm nothing without you. I need you today. I need you, I can't do this without you. This is hard, it's like that thorn, right? But it just keeps me leaning to the spirit. It keeps me leaning into who he is. Which to me is the greatest gift, right? Because I can't do it.

And I don't want to do it without him. Yeah. So there's that. OK. I don't know if that answers your question, then. Yeah, I've answered it beautifully. And I think it's a beautiful lens to offer people who have relationships with other people.

I won't even say complicated relationships relationships because I think that angle of empathy is necessary not just when we look at others, but also when we look at ourselves. Yeah, which is why I wanted to ask you about that, you know, Oh, I need some healing there because I have those moments where it's usually in hindsight. It's not in the moment. Yeah, but in reflection I'm like that was probably not the best version of yourself. And we should dig into that. But there are moments where I also feel shame about those moments like, man, how did you mess this up? Or what were you thinking there? So I want to know though, from a different angle. So because a lot of people can look at those moments, they're like, I need healing there and say, this is just how I am. And if it hasn't changed by now, where it's like I need healing there and say oh this is just how I am

And if it hasn't changed by now, maybe it's not going to change But I think part of what inspires me to pursue healing is looking at the alternative if I don't heal this then What's going to happen what scars are my children going to possess? Who am I going to be when I look myself in the mirror those little things that we let slide to be when I look myself in the mirror, those little things that we let slide become easier and easier to live with unless we arrest them. So in those moments, I'm wondering, maybe you can give me an example of something that happened recently where you're like, I need some healing there. What is the alternative to not healing?

Well, I think for me, it's that I am submitted to Christ before any role that someone's supposed to play in my life Like it doesn't matter what they do like I'm submitted to Christ and what he says so for example one day I don't even know how old I was but we were on a 21 day fast from my mom's breakthrough like I was probably 22 No food just desperate like please God, please and And then I remember it was on the 21 day, we had like a worship night. She came into the room. She struggles with a lot of anxiety and depression. That's some of my mom's side of the family. And I remember looking out and I was like, I know, like 21 days, Lord. I know you're going to answer. It's the exchange, right? So like, I do this,

you do this, you know. I look out and she's not there. She left, it's too much for you know, and I just remember feeling like, like what else I have to do? And so frustrated and I remember almost there was a moment where I had an opportunity to honor her or dishonor her.

My flesh wanted to not necessarily intentionally dishonor, but just like, I'm over it. It's too much for me. It's too hard. It's not fair. I shouldn't have to play this role. Like, you're your mom, you know? But in that moment, God said, I didn't like ask you to honor your father, mother. Like, if she performs the way you wanted her to perform. Like, I tell you to honor her because that's my word. And so you're submitted to me honor her. And so I think that's what I have to do is like always keep in front of my right here.

Like I'm submitted to Christ. So it comes out even in my marriage, right? So if my husband does, I had this whole thing about submission and it's like a thing, right? Women submitting to men. And I'm like, I don't submit to my husband if he performs the way I want him to perform. Like, I do.

Got, listen, you're like, listen, break it down, honey. Go ahead, go ahead, girl, because I know the people, the people want to hear it. Go ahead, girl. Listen, no, but go ahead. Go ahead, girl, talk about it. Well, you know Taylor, I've been married twice. So my experience is a little different.

So I struggle with the notion of when brokenness has initiated a marriage, trying to apply a biblical, godly standard to a marriage that God didn't build, built becomes impossible, impossible. And so in my marriage with my husband, because I know that God ordained our marriage, because I know that God is blessed our union, even when he is not acting in the way that I would agree with,

or I would think that he should act, because I know that the Holy Spirit can convict him, then it is easier for me to submit to him. I let him know. I don't submit to him. Submission is not silent. He is. That's what I'm saying. It's like the Lord may need to deal with you a little bit today, and he will let me know too when the Lord needs to deal with me. But my husband's incredible, and there's never been a time where he's been off-kilter, and he not been able to catch it. But yeah, that's true. No, but I love that too because that was so many people's questions. Like how do I submit if I'm going to talk

to relationship? I don't think it just because you submit doesn't mean that you tolerate. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like to me it's like it's the law of God. This is what we do, but that doesn't mean that you're gonna agree on everything. Yeah. You have to tolerate everything. To me it's not in the sense of like, okay, you could shoot me however you, I can say an abusive relationship with all of that. You know? But I would say submitting even in leadership,

me and him we co-paster. Yeah, that's the thing that he does. And I'm like, I'm having a hard time. But it's like, okay, like I trust your leadership. Right. Super hard. Yeah.

So I say that because I try to apply that in my, in every relationship. People within me, okay, like doesn't mean that I don't create boundaries. But at the end of the day, all that to say is I try to keep a kindly perspective, which is like so cliche. But it is the only thing that carries me through. Yeah. You know. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, a personalized sleep experience for more restful nights and wakeful days. Let me tell you something, sleep is my superpower.

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or Google Play. That's better sleep on the app store or Google Play. I am, yeah. You're inspiring. Am I? No, you're inspiring. No, you. No, no. I think that there's this, I think, fine line for me of making, you know, I started at Womany Ball Podcast because Eve was my home girl and that

no better but don't do better, like I resonated with that thing. And you know, but we don't stay there. We move from there. And so the ability to keep that at the forefront of every decision is something that requires me to come to a place of stillness and really living to your point. This really surrendered and submitted lifestyle to become and more and more like Jesus ultimately. And how can I allow God to show up in these moments. But when I am stressed and when I am tired, I am in my full

Eve regale, yes, put leaves on my head. She's in the garden. Now I need a Google. You're you're vocabulary is everything. I'm like, what? What my head. She's in the garden. I need a Google you're what you're vocabulary is everything Yeah, so yes you're inspiring me okay I need a dictionary. Okay, listen, Taylor, no, I'm not a queen. Okay. Questions.

Yes, you're married. Yes, to the love of my life. To the love of your life. Yes, girl. How did this happen? It's the sweetest story, actually. Yes, get popcorn here. Okay.

I'm gonna try to make it short, too. So it's so interesting because, so when I had packed up everything, right? In order to Arkansas, I ready to move because so when I I had packed up everything right. In order to Arkansas, I ready to move to see if I know I was like, I know I'm called the ministry. I got it is Christ for the nation. Christ for the nations. For people who don't know. Yes. Yes. So Christ for the nations. And I was like, I have to, I had seen the worship is when Carrie Job in class, like all them were there. And it was just like, I'd never seen worship like that, right?

So I'm like, I gotta get there. Like I gotta get there. So I pack up everything and roll there. I knew that I needed to get out of the relationship that I was in, but because small town, if I'm going to the stop like, I'm in here, you. I had my first Starbucks when I moved to Dallas.

I had only saying like, we had Applebee's and we had a Walmart and we would go to Walmart and hang out, so that's how I grew up, right? So everywhere I went, he was there. I'm like, how am I supposed to heal? How am I supposed to, you know, get away from this if I don't just completely move, right? So I packed him my bags, found a friend and she's like, you can just live with me. We got to get you out of there. You can start school in like three months, but we just got to get you out. So pack up everything. I have a car wreck, that's whenever in the car wreck, my car's totaled, that's when I found out I was pregnant within that. Right. So all that to say fast forward, wait, where am I

out of this story? I'm like, I'm making this too long. Fast forward, inza, lose the baby, all of that, end up at CFNOT, right? Oh, this is where I was going with that. So whenever I was out visiting my friend, she tells me, there's a guy that I want you to meet. And I'm like, I can't even thank straight. There's no way I need another guy to look at. She's like, no, he loves Jesus. He's so handsome.

I feel like y'all would be great together. I'm like, no, no, no, don't be worried about it. Then I found out I was pregnant all that, right? So fast form, he eventually moved and go to Christ for the Nations the night I share my testimony so that we pre-recorded testimonies, probably like 10 people, Adam McCain, he goes in and he picks for this Tuesday night experience,

the testimony that he wants. So out of 10 people, he's like, I want her's played tonight. So it was Martin. So Eddie of 10 people he's like, I want her's plate tonight. So it's mine. So Eddie James was supposed to speak that night. His bus breaks down. So in the meantime, they're like, we need another speaker. Someone in the meeting is like, Hey, there's like a college student. He seems to be able to do. He's really good. He is a college student, but they don't have to know that type thing. Bring him in. He speaks the night he speaks is the night my testimony plays.

My friend who's in the room to support me, she's like, oh my gosh, do you remember the God that I've ever wanted to hook you up with when I was pregnant? Didn't know it. This is two years later. She's like, that is the God that I was trying to hook you up with. And I'm like, what? You know, and I'd never seen anything like him. I was just so like Nesra, a small town girl, just like, he's so handsome and like, he dresses so well and he's got it all together, you know? And so we ended up going on a blind day,

a hop, nice. I had only seen a hop on TV, you hear me? So I was like, yes! A hop! A hop! A hop! And so we? So I was like, yes. Ah! Ah! And so we got, I was so nervous. Like I'd barely talk because there was like a pressure everyone was looking.

I'm like, and it was not me, but it is what it is, whatever. Later I was working at Express Retail. He comes in, we were talking on my space, all that. And that's kind of where the journey started. We dated six years. Wow. Which was, we dated six years. So it's a whole, that's a whole little story.

That's not a whole long story. Yeah, we need M.S.A.N.3, okay. No, so yeah, we dated on and off for six years, which was really good, really, really good, really hard, but like super good for myself and for him. His background versus background, like totally different, right? Which is why I thank God brought us together. I mean, for the obvious reasons, or is it like totally different for us?

No, not for obvious really. Yeah, no, just like the way, what's funny is I group in ministry. It's my family's jacked, but we're like, but at the same time, my family's the best family, but we're like wild. We're all like, in your face passionate,

like there was so much in my childhood, but like also like the best people, you know? Like I would say that. And in his family, like just perfect, mom and dad married forever, like literally the sweetest people on the planet. And just he just only saw really like healthy, right? I think he ever saw his parents argue and I'm like, wow, I was in court and cop cars right now. I was really excited. How does that feel? How does that feel?

And so, man, we, you know, we, it was, that's what I mean, but even just the fact that God would allow him to see my gent before. Because he, and he even talks about it. His standard of what he expected in a wife was like here and like no one, no one could reach that. So finally, after six years, it was like God working in me. Like I was dead, I said, listen, we share it openly.

It's actually really funny. Like six years. There's always going to be someone prettier than me. There's always going to be someone more talented than me that has a better, more perfect, probably story upbringing. Yeah, my parents are divorced. Yes, I pregnant a lot. Do I love Jesus?

Yes. And do I know that there's not another Tyler Medoo or Tyler Mitchell at the time? Yes. So if you don't know if you want to be with me about six years, you probably don't want to be with me. So delete my number out of your phone and leave me alone.

Hi. Three, two months later, ring on my finger. So I said, there we go. Hallelujah. Yeah. But it was, wring on my finger. So, there we go. Hallelujah. You know, but it was like, but he needed that, I needed to learn the confidence. Like, I think that, because once again, that loyalty, I'm not going to leave you. So, like, oh, yeah, like, you know, she wants, okay, I'm here. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you. And I looked like an idiot. You know, I know it is what it is. I did, but at the same time he knew my heart, he knew me.

And I had to get, God was working in me and creating that boldness and that confidence that only comes and connected to the Father. And so it took six years to get there, but I will say that's the beauty of that. I'm like, I finally did. And I'm a strong woman, I'm a very strong woman and confident. But when it came to relationships, I had a hard time, which once again connected to my back story. But he had to lower his expectation of this perfect person.

I'm like perfectionism, I can't do it. I'll never, and even like I told you earlier, past drain, like if you come in here, if you come to social Dallas and you are expecting this as a preacher, like please, please, please, please take me out. I love Jesus, yes, but I may say a curse word whenever I get upset, like I love Jesus. Yeah.

He's my everything, but I'm not perfect. And so I had to get to that place of like I'm not gonna live up to that perfection because it's not realistic. If we were perfect, we wouldn't need Jesus, we wouldn't be a savior. So anyways, now married, gosh, 11 years, three kids. It's great, it's great.

And we're still just made for each other and we still have moments where it's like, dang, I'm a fireball and he's more introverted and like, you know, but we know especially planning a church and just seeing the way God has used this together, it's like dang, we were made for each other. Mm-hmm.

You know? This show was brought to you by BetterHelp. Who am I caught to be in this season? That's a question I like to reflect on from time to time. In changing environments, meeting different people and facing new opportunities, I get to rethink the way I see myself. My husband and I recently had a conversation that honored a new way of being. I really needed to hear that. Since sometimes we don't know who we are or what we want until talking things through.

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That's better help. H-E-L-P.com slash evolve. Tell them we sent you. How do you keep, because I feel like with ministry, there's a constant like signing up again, like reenrollment. Wow. up again, like reenrollment. Wow. Every Sunday, like reenrollment.

Every time you're having a sad meeting, like I'm going to reenroll and do this. Wow. How do you continue to reenroll and not allow fear, insecurity, doubt, whatever to stand in the way, stress, betrayal? How do you keep that from making you with a draw? Like how do you keep signing up for this?

Okay, so fear, deal with it, still deal with it. Even anxiety, I deal with it. There's moments where, you know, I'm very, I would say, I don't even want to throw this around, like, like, but it's real. Like, OCD is my thing. And I don't want to throw that around to, like, sound disrespectful, but I truly think that's like a thing. I haven't got to talk to for it, but I'm like, why do I have to have every single thing

in order? Therapists, you know, my lack of, my lack of order growing up, now it helps me. Yeah, so I read a book, Control Freak. And it's funny because I bought it, thinking I was buying it to learn how to deal with a control freak in my life. And as I'm reading it, I'm like, wait a minute.

Wow, wow, the control freak. Didn't know that, but it was like, when I get, keep things in order, and my laundry's folded perfectly and like everything's together. It's like I have control, right? And so I think just with the organization, leading pastors, mom, wife, there's a lot of days where I feel like I'm failing. If one area is winning, then the other area is, I feel like I'm failing in it.

And that's hard. The reality is a lot of people say, there's no such thing as balance. I don't really fully agree with that. I think boundaries helps with balance. For example, my cell phone, I will work. It's a beautiful thing that we have everything in this device, but also there's no boundaries. So then it's dangerous. So it's like, okay, what can I do to create a boundary? Because if I'm my alarm system or my emails are on this cell phone, but yet I need to talk to my sister. I can't get away from one thing or the other, so everything's here. So what I've done is at six o'clock, I have another phone, I put that one away. Now this is literally just for an emergency. So I've created a boundary.

It's stuff like that where I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm in a state, I don't know if I'll ever figure it out. It's like one day at a time, asking a guy to help me. My husband and I were about to go on a trip and get away because, but then I feel guilty leaving my kids. I don't know if you ever feel that. It's like a constant word. Sometimes,, but then I feel guilty leaving my kids. I don't know if you ever feel that. It's like a constant word.

Sometimes, but when I am at home with my kids, like they really feel like they own me. I mean, I'm glad I'm not the only one. That is ridiculous. So when I leave them, I'm like, they didn't pay, they didn't pay their mortgage this month. I have four clothes. I'm out of here.

And I go, because I'm like, when I get back, you're going to be all over me for no reason. And so I know that when time is all played out in there, adults that I would have been there more times than I was in, and the time that we'd spent together would be so quality. And you know what else has helped? My daughter's 13 and my youngest daughter's seven, and they have little lives now. and the time that we spent together would be so quality. And you know what else has helped? My daughter's 13 and my youngest daughter's seven

and they have little lives now, like play rehearsal, ballet, and volleyball, and being able to help them see that doing the things that you love doesn't always mean that you get to be with the people you love, but it doesn't change that you love your people whenever they're having their moments helps me to communicate because I'm leaving.

Like, as soon as I get a free week, I'm out of here. Your mom is going where everyone is. Have you ever told your children to leave you alone? Yes. Make me feel better. For sure. I'm always like, I'm like, I need you to leave me alone. But it doesn't work.

It doesn't work. That's the thing. No, but you know, I have with my 13 year old and she's like my little, I don't know what she is. She's like a life coach basically now because I'm like, you know what? I haven't had any time to myself

and I need a minute to just recalibrate and figure out who I'm. And she's like, you know what mom? You should take that time so that you know who you are because you can't be anything to anyone unless you're something to yourself. So she's like regurgitating where she is. You're saying I'm like closing the door like you're so right.

And closing the door because that's true. Yeah. Okay. I am wondering what woman in your life has been the most influential in who you are today. I would say, gosh, that's a good quiet thing. Say you're really got these good questions. I would say, Peggy, my therapist, my counselor. Yeah, because, you know, one of the things that I think

I've longed for, my husband has it, and we have it. It's like a spiritual father, like he has that. I have so many, I usually hang out with older women. That's always been a thing for me. But I would say, like, you know, being in this seat, ministry, I don't know, it takes a special type of person to be able to handle, like, and I'm talking specifically my role, you know, a specific type of person. I'm, I'm, I've never considered myself guarded, but I think the more each day passes, I'm a little bit more guarded. So,

I'm an open book book but also not vulnerable. That's one thing I've discovered about my stuff recently is I'm like I'll tell everyone my life but not really. It's like okay. How do you take a minute? You know it's true. When I first started blogging I was telling people my story and people were like oh my gosh you're still vulnerable you're still vulnerable. I didn't think I was being vulnerable. I thought I was just telling my truth. how she's still vulnerable, you're still vulnerable. I didn't think I was being vulnerable. I thought I was just telling my truth. Yeah.

That's interesting that she say that because I feel like I could sense that though. Like she has heard her story enough and told her story enough that it doesn't cause her to flinch. But there's also like a world underneath that story that you're still, it seems that you're still it seems like you're still visiting yeah and that you are selective about like who has the

passport to come into that world. Well I think it's also wisdom yeah sure I think it's wisdom of like who you allow to have access to those deep places because not everyone can handle those deep places once again because maybe you're elevated over here or they have an expectation of you. And this whole, like, cancel culture, you know, world of, like, if you do this or you don't live up to this or that, like, you're out.

Yeah. I like to find my people who are almost like running in the same direction, they get this side of the story. They get this side of this world. They're like, oh, and it's like, we can just get each other and that's very, very few, right? So, I mean, I say it with my therapist

because I told Robert, I said the other day, I say, oh yeah, I pay for my mentor, gladly. The other day, two hours, I pay for my, I pay for my mentor, Bradley. The other day, two hours, I was laughing about, I said, dang, I talked to pay you for two hours, and didn't even get to what I scheduled the meeting for. You know, because there's just so much to process, so much to unpack. And so, I'm gonna be your friend, your best friend, I'm gonna be safe. I'm gonna be there, show up, but I think, you know, reality is people do come and go. That's hard.

So I'm very limited. Even though the day I was in the kitchen, I was like, dah, dah, dah, dah, we don't even have friends. Yeah. You may relate to that. I don't know if they do it. My husband and I tell us,

that's tell ourselves a story all the time. But it's really that we haven't positioned ourselves to be vulnerable enough to really maintain our shoes. It's like, yeah, like if we want to go to dinner with someone sure, but like, do we have like, like, oh my gosh, we're going through a hard time. Let's call someone in wrist vulnerability. Have you? No, we'll talk to each other. We'll talk with Laura. We'll figure it out. But I have learned that I think the secret sauce of woman evolve, the secret sauce, I think at this point of all of the things that I think the secret sauce of woman evolved, the secret sauce I think at this point of all of the things that I do,

is like I have to tell the truth that makes my heart ache. That's what vulnerability is to me. When you tell the truth that makes your heart ache a little, that makes you feel a little too naked and maybe a pinch ashamed. And leading from that place, starting the message, talking to my husband, leading my team from that place, has I think made them realize that I am more human than me telling them I'm human because they see their scars in my own.

And that to me is the hardest part of how God has curated my brand, right? Because I think that the brand is really built on at the end of the day, we know that a bunter, that she's us. And it keeps me, it keeps me low in the most beautiful way. Okay. That's not supposed to ask you because the Peggy is the woman. It keeps me, it keeps me low and the most beautiful way. Okay, that's not what I was supposed to ask you. It's a Peggy's the one. I don't think I'm getting a self-journalist matching. A little bit.

Wait, we're matching. A little bit. Aster nails. There it is. That is crazy. Yours are better than my little baby. What do you hope that Peggy knows about the role that she's played in your life?

Oh man, she's literally transformed my life. I think, you know, see, you know, God uses and reveals himself in ways through people. Yeah. You know, he uses this, whether we like it or not. And so, wonderful counselor, that expression of wonderful counselor has been so beautiful to me because like John for, you know, woman at the well,

like that moment where he takes time and he goes and sits and have a conversation, like he can, he can literally touch her from afar and never skip a beat, but like the fact that he's so intentional and he goes sits and he waits and to look at her eye to eye, right? And just process with her. The way it literally in that moment, you know, she goes back and

little transforms the whole town because of this this intimate conversation with Jesus. And so I just see him there in that moment, wonderful counselor, and and so to have her see every part of me and then speak that truth. And there's nothing attached, I think there's nothing attached to I think there's nothing attached to it. There's no glory to that. Like no one knows who Peggy is. Like no one will ever see her face. But yet she's so willing to hold my hand and walk with me.

I can only imagine to me like the reward that she has waiting on her in heaven because it's not just me. It's tons of people right. I just me, it's tons of people, right? I just think often it's hard to figure out like, people's, when they wanna come alongside you, you kinda almost wonder the mode of behind, like, you know, okay, you wanna help me, you wanna hear my story, but like,

what's the mode of behind it? Yeah, something like I don't trust people, but I actually do trust people. I promise I do. I'm like, do I? I'm like, thank you I actually do trust people. I promise I do. I'm like, oh, do I? I'm like, thank you if you're watching. Shack too. I'll be next week, okay.

Oh, no, but it's like, I do. I feel like we live in a world where everything's in exchange. Like, dang, I'm gonna show it for you, but can you do the connect? And so I just feel like there's no glory to that. There's no glory to her sitting and walking me through hours and hours. I mean, 15 years of me literally being like, and then I did this. And then he did that and then she did.

And it's like, but yet I have found so much freedom. There's just, you can't put a price on that, you know? So she's just this unseen hero that I believe, like there's no telling what's waiting on her when we all get to heaven. What a day of rejoice in LV. Hey man. Come on somebody. That's beautiful. That's the whole story. What finished? Yeah, oh we're finished. We're finished.

Dain, do we go? Yeah. Damn, I love you. We did it, Joe. We love an in-person connection. Taylor, thank you so much for your heart, your openness. Thank you for sharing so generously. This was such a good time.

I love how you offered our listeners so much hope and grace to counter those self-defeating behaviors. You have so much of my gratitude, love, admiration, and inspiration. I know that this bless you all too. Let's get into it. Let's keep the good times rolling. I cannot wait to see how we grow together next week. Chatson. you