Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Exhaling Worry w/ Jessica Brewington

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Wobble baby, Gobble baby, Wobble baby, Gobble! Two-step with us this Thanksgiving week as SJR chops it up with Jessica Brewington! Sis explained how the initial worry of not feeling good enough led to a pattern of trying to prove herself & W.E. felt that for somebody. But the gag is…you ARE enough, you HAVE enough, & the glory is NOT up for debate! Press PLAY to uncover Jessica's process of releasing a performative love and truly resting in the reckless love of God! Followed by marital lessons & kingdom-building advice. Delegation, what are you grateful for in the EXHALE? Drop us a comment, Tag our socials, or Send an email to [e-mail]! Take care of your mental health during the holidays by visiting BetterHelp.com/Evolve + Apply to receive up to $1,000 in team-based credit at Notion.com/Startups.

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tiny boundary. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Child. Isn't it interesting how we have the audacity to say that we would never do something before we ever attempted? Maybe it's the underlying worry of the outcome. I don't know. Eventually though, God does not just into it and we end up enjoying it. For instance, my co-host Jessica Brewington wasn't even trying to boil anybody's water about a year ago. Analysis is basically a whole sous chef while hosting friends and family every chance

she gets. But you know what? That's not it. She's also learned so much about reconstructing the ideas of how she's supposed to show up in the world, how she is to engage in marriage but most importantly how she can begin to really exhale worrying. The worry that all of us carry when we're trying to prove our worth and our value. Whatever it is that you're refusing to do, just know that God knows you'll do it well and enjoy it. Think about that and call me back, but after this podcast, let's highlight Jessica.

Jessica, you look like a queen. You look stunning. It's doing what needs to be done. It's doing what needs to be done. It's giving what need to be gave. You look beautiful. Thank you, you do too. You do. You understood the assignment.

You know what? They told me that I was going to be speaking with someone from BATL. And I said, one thing you're not going to be is ashy or raggedy when speaking to someone from the Atlanta, okay? Don't put that much pressure on me. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm doing really, really well. I'm having a good day.

Good. Thank you for doing this with me. It's good to see you too. What made you want to be a cahouse? You know what, I, first of all, I admire you. I just finished reading your book maybe a month ago. I've done a read along with a few women and we rep through your entire book. And when I tell you to change my life, just from the first page, I was like, listen, I have to do a read along to this because I can't just keep it to myself.

I need to be able to share it with other women. We need to dialogue about it. And together, we can change the world by ourselves. Just one day at a time, make a small impact. But when you gather with other women, like minded women, as you know, you can do so much more. So that's what I did.

What do you think was like the greatest takeaway you got from doing it with the other women? Or from the book in general? Just being able to share ideas and understand that you're not going through it by yourself. And that I'm not the only one who faced these challenges. I'm not the only one who sometimes feels like, I'm not enough, I'm not the only one.

And a support system to keep going. Right, so sometimes it was like, oh yeah, I'm not gonna get on the call, talk'm not enough. I'm not the only one in a support system to keep going. Right. So sometimes it was like, Oh, yeah, I'm not going to get on the call, talk about the book. I'm tired, but I know they count on me. So I'm a push through. I'm a read my chapter. So I'm going to be able to, you know, contribute to the conversation. So it was, it was awesome. That's amazing. Well, thank you for bringing those women together in community and for really creating a space for change and transformation. I really believe that when we do have a woman that we have everyone connected to her because when a woman experienced something, she wants everyone to know about it.

Yeah, absolutely. Was Eve your home girl before you read Woman Evolve or no? You know what? She wasn't. She wasn't. I was like, girl, because you just, no, but it's funny because I never thought about it that way. And so when you wrote the book and it was from that perspective, I was like, she's right. And we're all e we've all had those moments when we knew better,

but then do better. And we just decided to do what we wanted to do. And although it might not have impacted as many people as Eve, it still has some implications to it. And so just being more empathetic and understanding that it's okay to mess up, but it's about getting up and learning from your mistakes. So yeah, even now my home girl. Come on now. When is the last time you looked yourself in the mirror

or thought to yourself, I am in some Eve behavior right now. Like when is the most recent Eve moment that you've had? You know, the honest answer to that is it's been a while because I've been very intentional within these last few months on working on me and doing better and being the best Jessica that I can be. Not comparing myself to where others are. I'm about to be 35 in February and I was like, you know what? I just feel like I should have done so much more

or I could have done so much more and I should be in this particular place and not giving myself grace, you know? And so I decided like, you know what, just good. You are enough. You are exactly where God wants you to be. And you just need to take one day at a time, make those decisions that work towards your dreams

and towards the will of God that he's placed on your life. And you'll get there in his time, not yours. And you have to be okay with that. So yeah, I've just really been intentional each day to just be the best Jessica that I can be. No regrets, no, no nothing. Jessica, I wanna be like you when I grow up because I was in my Eve bag last Wednesday.

Let me tell you, we took these children, the Disney Land. What you do? Let me tell you, we took these children, the Disney Land. What you do? You let me tell you, we took these kids to Disneyland. And all the big kids went and got on a ride that my daughter Ella couldn't get on. And we started off walking around the park, you know? I didn't realize they wouldn't be in line that long.

So she was like, can we walk over there? I'm like, no, it's myster's over there. She was like, can we walk over there? I'm like, no, that ride is shut down. Let me tell you you lying my butt off on the happiest place on earth. So I feel like I want to be more like you when I grow up because I was in full-eve behavior. I was like, you better hope nobody comes out of that right. The tune and total is shut down. But you know, that's all right. God is working on us all.

And all the time. Yeah. All the time. All the time. What you said about really giving yourself permission to be where you are at this stage of your life is something that I feel like so many of us work through as women, just giving ourselves permission to not necessarily be on the track that we had in mind. But sometimes I wonder, who said we had to be here by now? Who said we had to be there? Like, we had to be married, we had to have the children.

These self-imposed expectation, cultural expectations that make us feel less worthy and less value because we haven't arrived somewhere by a certain age. It's really just all a figment of an imagination, I think, because I speak to so many women who end up saying the same thing. So I'm wondering, maybe this thing doesn't even exist. We just took hold of a lie at an early age. You know, I think it's, that's a great point. And I think it has something to do with your upbringing as well. Yeah.

And those role models and those environments that you saw growing up, my parents have been married for like 36, 37 years. And they teach premarital. I see them go through the ups and downs. I saw my mom cooking every day for us when we got home having a meal on the table, dessert afterwards, knocking out homework, you know, all of those things. And so when I got married

back in March, right before the pandemic, this is the expectation that I thought my husband had, was like, when I come home every night, there needs to be food on the table and that's your responsibility. And so, you know, I'm trying to be a good wife doing it every day and I'm just like, oh, this is a lot. And so we've bought, and even when he would come in the kitchen, he would offer to help wash the dishes. And I'm like, no, I got it. I'm every woman, I can do it all.

I can work, come down to the kitchen, cook, and take care of the house. And one day I just had to stop myself. And I'm like, well, why are you doing this? And, you know, like, okay, because my mom did, but my mom and I are two different people. You know, we were in two different times periods when this was happening. And so it might have been more realistic,

you know, because she was just working and taking care of the kids. But I'm working, I have a nonprofit organization, I have a puppy, I have, you know, to travel that I do for 80% of the time. So our lives are different. And so my husband and I had to have a conversation and figure out what work for us. So if I could be clean or sometimes you could and I'll clean, you know, and figure out what works.

But you're right. We self-impose those and the thing that we don't do is stop and try to figure out where does where did this come from? Yeah. And how can I navigate it and communicate with the person, you know, if it's your husband or if it's your best friend or sister, whatever. Let's talk about it. Yeah. How can we change this? Do we need to change this? So yeah, I completely agree. Let me tell you, I am not every woman. I cannot be, I've met a lot of women and I cannot be any of them. I can only be my woman, my definition of it. And that means that I am going to have to adjust other people's expectations,

my expectations, my childhood preconceived notions to step into who I am in this moment. I may not be able to cook every night and wash the clothes and fold the clothes. I may have to ask for help. I may have to not do it at all. But this idea that I'm going to be every woman is something that we can no longer subscribe to because when we do try to become every woman, we end up depressed. We end up lost. We are anxious because we try to be every woman. And guys not calling you to be every woman. He's calling you to be the woman for this season and your role and your life and your marriage.

And our job is to figure out who is this woman, not every woman. And if we are studying every woman and saying, I need to be like this fur. I need to have her abs, her mind, her business skills, her prayer life, then who's going to be us? And I don't want to be a mosaic of all of the other women I've been exposed to. I want to tap into the authenticity of who I am.

And that does take a serious intentionality and a releasing. This month, according to the program, we're talking about exhaling worry. And I feel like that is one of the things that we have to let go of when we step into our identity is exhaling the worry that if I am not this woman that has been drawn out of my imagination, then I have somehow failed or don't have worth any value. How did you do that? failed or don't have worth your value. How did you do that? You know, and I'll tell you where the the first idea that I had to be everyone came from, I was dating a guy and he was one of those who liked to debate, you know. And so he told me, he was like, do you or he asked me, do you think that you can have it all? Can you be the CEO of

a company? Can you be the good wife? Can you be the good mother? Can you have it all? And I was like, do you or he asked me, do you think that you can have it all? Can you be the CEO of a company? Can you be the good wife? Can you be the good mother? Can you have it all? And I was like, absolutely, why can't I? And his response to me was, absolutely no, you can't. Something you're going to lack. Something is not, you're not going to be 100% in it, because women just can't be

at all. And so from that conversation years ago, I always had this mentality like, I can't do it all. I can have the job, I can have the husband, I can have the kids. And that's where I was pushing so hard and I wasn't giving myself grace and I wasn't setting up what Jessica needed. I was just trying to prove a point. And so it wasn't until conversations with some of my line

sisters that are mothers now and married. And we just can't do it all. And sometimes I have to call a nanny. And that's OK. And given myself grace, having those conversations, picking up your book, I picked up Evonne Orgis' book, love that one. I'm reading Michael Todd's crazy face.

So just a combination of things. It just opened my eyes to this bigger picture. And it wasn't about trying to prove a point anymore. It was trying to to to be the best Jessica, the happiest Jessica that I can be. And it doesn't matter what other people think about it. It's about me. And I say, it's the season of me and I'm on a journey to 35. And other people think about it. It's about me. And I say, it's the season of me, and I'm on a journey to 35. And I'm excited about it. That's the Easter I say. It's me season. Beyonce, please don't release an album.

What you just said about proving a point, it just resonates with my spirit so much because I've been praying just about different things that have happened in my life. And I have felt like over and over again that I did not experience true freedom, true power and anointing and confidence and peace until I was no longer trying to prove a point.

And I think this is worthy of dissection because I don't know if it's something that we learn in grade school or if it is just innately in the culture, this idea of we need to prove ourselves. But when you live a life trying to prove who you are, then you never get to become who you are. You never get to live in your own skin because you're trying to prove that you exist, that you have the right to be in the room,

that you have the right to be in a relationship. Instead of just owning that, you know, I think we should go from proving a point to owning our existence in such a way that it doesn't matter whether or not you make space for me or not. I'm supposed to be here. It doesn't matter whether space for me or not. I'm supposed to be here. It doesn't matter whether you get it or not. I'm supposed to be here.

And what I long for is for us to come to a place where we can own who we are. Regardless of what we've gone through, this is who I am. I'm a teen mother. I've remarried. I'm a blended family. You know what I mean? I'm a young woman in ministry. This is who I am, and I don't want to have to prove to anyone

that I belong to take up space. I just want to take the space and let them adjust later. And yet that does require an awareness of our patterns. When is the first time, or maybe you can take us into a moment where you realize I'm not even doing this for me. I'm doing it to prove something to someone else. That's a good question. Come on, sis. I will say that I work in a male dominated industry. And that is a struggle every day, because you constantly have to prove yourself.

Yeah. Not only being a woman, but being an African American woman. And so for so long, I felt like I continue to have to prove myself in those spaces. And just recently, it was like, you know what? What God has for me is for me. And it doesn't matter who's on the other side of the table.

It doesn't matter who wants his bare hips. If he's prepared this for me and he said, Jessica, this is yours, that's it. And when you live from that perspective, that's free. That's release, releasing. Because it's not like this pressure, it's not this frustration. You're not battling anybody. It's just like, okay, you said I'm not supposed to be here,

okay, well we'll see about that. And we'll see what happens. Yeah. Because you already know what's gonna happen. And so yeah, just constantly feeling like I had to prove myself in my career, has been one of the biggest challenges that I faced. has been one of the biggest challenges that I faced. One thing I love about Womany Ball is the community and safe space we've built with one another. I receive countless messages with personal stories ranging from experiences with anxiety and depression to advice on how to settle family conflicts or work through self-esteem issues. I don't have all the answers but I refuse to leave you all hanging. Your mental health is too important

to me. I want you to start living a happier life today with assistance from BetterHelp. As a listener of the Waman Evolve podcast, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting BetterHelp.com slash evolve. A safe and private online environment better help assesses your needs before matching you with one of their licensed professional therapists. It's also free and easy to change your counselor if you need to in the future. Better Help is more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available. With the ability to message your counselor at any time, join over 1 million people taking charge of their mental health, it's convenient, affordable, and confidential.

You can join today and start communicating in less than 24 hours and anytime after that. Again, that's better help, H-e-l-p.com slash evolve. I mean, even though I have woman evolve as a female minister, I am in a male dominated space. Yes. And there are so many times where people are like, especially when I'm speaking to men and women where it's like you're not going to, you'll only be speaking to the women and the men will just be there, you know,

overlooking what's happening in the room. And there have been countless times where like male pastors if a kind of like, you know, kind of like tap, you know, my shoulder, like, oh, you know, good, good girl, good job. And it is not until the glory of God shows up over my life that there has to be a respect for what God has given me. And I feel like if you are a woman in any field that at the end of the day, you cannot debate glory. Like if you are anointed for those number, sis, you work that accounting job, like the glory of God falls on those numbers.

And you are anointed for that publicity. Whatever it is that you do, the glory is not up for debate. And so I do believe that our job is to make space for the glory. It's to make space for not my pride, not my ego, but for the glory to show up so that God can sort out who's for me and who's against me. God can sort out the opportunities. But at the end of the day, just the glory is not up for debate.

I want to ask you kind of the same question, but I want to flip it a little bit. So you told me about a time where you came to this place where you no longer were worried about proving a point. What was the worry? I wanna ask this the right way. What do you think the initial worry was? Like if I don't prove this point, then I will lose my job.

If I don't prove this point, then maybe I don't have worth. Maybe I don't have value. What was your worry? It was definitely about not being enough. Yeah. It was definitely about not being enough. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am. Maybe I'm not as valuable to the company as I think I am. Maybe there's somebody better who should have this position. It was just about not being enough. Yeah.

And oftentimes when you, when you go back to the root of it, it's filling under value, like you're not enough for whatever it is. But the exciting thing that I'm waiting for is for the story to kind of come to a point where it's like, and even now in my journey, I can say, but God did that. Yeah. And even though people were like, I can say, but God did that. And even though people were like, oh, well, that's not going to happen because that's not the way the organization works. Or that's not going to happen because that's never happened in the history of this organization.

I'm waiting for the day where it's just like, how did that happen? And I can say, but God, you didn't think that African-American could be in this position, but God, he said it was mine and it is. And then that just shared, that's another testimony. That's how you shine your light because I know like, you know, sometimes we're the only Jesus that people will see for sure. When they're in a church before they open a Bible, it's the people who they encounter. And what does your life say about the guy that you

serve? Yeah. Is it somebody that I want to get to know? Are you cursing out people? And you know, every time something goes wrong, you cursing up a storm and sending the door and you know, that I don't want to get to know any I mean I don't need to get to know anybody like that. Yeah. So what does your life say that says, you know, that draws people to want to get to know him and want to have a relationship? Because that's why we're here. That's such an amazing train of thought to recognize that you are representations. Like wherever you go, I am representing you.

Yeah, wherever you go, I'm representation. I'm wondering, as you really begin to rest in this fact that you don't have to prove a point and really took value in your worth and took it seriously, what type of, I don't know affirmation, scriptures, how did you rewire your mind to come to a place where you didn't need to perform in order to be worthy, but you just rested and worth.

And I want to ask this because I am coming to a place within myself where I feel like I am learning to rest in God's love, to rest in my husband's love because I feel like that same idea of I need to perform in order to be worthy. I need to perform in order to be adequate in I need to perform in order to be adequate in order to prove that I deserve to be in this marriage, that I deserve to be in this ministry. And I'm coming to a place where it is like that reckless love, like you couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it.

And so you're giving this love to me. How do you rest in the love of God that makes you worthy, that makes you confident, that allows you to be transformed without fear that it'll be taken away or that if you don't do something right that you'll lose it. One is a process. I'm not very good. So every day, every decision, decision if you know either gets me a little bit closer to that place or it takes me one step back but I'm still that's my goal. It's really being intentional and mindful about what you're feeding yourself. It's about picking up content and material that will feed your soul. And so like your book really helped me.

I just, I don't know if you understand how deeply it helped me, but it did. And then that's when I did the Von Orgie book. And I started with Michael Todd's relationship, both. And now I'm reading his crazy fake. So all of this is just like feeding me, feeding me, motivation, fuel. Even the music I listen to, my husband is a music director at our church.

And so he has a gospel playlist because he's constantly learning music, constantly playing new songs and things like that. And so his gospel playlist is over a thousand songs. Wow. So when I get in the car, I worship. I praise. And the shower I talk to God.

That's where I just got just waking me up this morning. Thank you so much for waking me up. Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for everything that you've allowed me to see. Have. Thank you for ordering my stuff. Yeah. And now just act that that your will be done. Because I can think of something that I

want. But every time that I have, you know, dreamt of something or wanted something, and he's closed those doors, he has always given me better. Greater. Bigger than I could have every imagined. And so just allowing that to be God, and when you've seen him working your life, and when you know him, and when you've seen him working other people's lives, it's kind of hard not to just trust in him, you know, and be excited and be an anticipation on what he's about to do next and how he's wanting to use you. And so I'm constantly in that space and I'm like, God, I know it has to get better.

Because my best days are ahead of me. So what's that? What we're looking at? What are we doing? So it's just having, it's really about being intentional and about feeding your soul, understanding that it's a process, it's a decision by decision type of situation. And just because you might make one wrong decision, that's fine, just give that up and make the next decision the of situation. And just because you might make one wrong decision,

that's fine, just give that up and make the next decision the best one. Again, the better one that you had, you know? So yeah, I think that's how I've gotten to that space, but still in process, not there yet. I'm in process too, and what I hear you saying is basically a renewing of your mind. I feel like one in acknowledgement.

When you acknowledge that somewhere along the way, my mind became wired for shame, wired for worry, wired for doubt, wired for insecurity, low self-esteem, that's a computer working in your mind that is always gonna bring you to the total of, you don't belong to be here, the total of see, you're not worthy, see, you're not valuable. And I have been intentionally kind of rewiring my mind

to get to a place of worthy and not shame. And that does require slowing down. You cannot be on autopilot and have your mind renewed. You cannot be on autopilot and see transformation, your worth and your ability to really believe that worth and be confident in it will not happen unless you slow down the rhythm that has led you to shame the rhythm that's led you to insecurity and say, I'm going to change this path, right? It's not working for me, feeling insecure, feeling like I'm not worthy, like I'm not worthy. That doesn't work for me anymore.

I want to really lay hold of the promises. If God, I want to believe, like other people believe, I want to be confident the way other people are confident. So I'm going to have to change my mind about me. That is the most powerful gift that anyone can give themselves as the realization that I'm going to change my mind about me and change my mind to start leaning towards the direction of who God says I am. And I have found that in stillness, in peace, in meditation, that I am able to accept the truth about who God says I am. But whenever my life starts speeding up and I'm like barely holding things together, that's

when I see myself slipping again, filling on worthy, filling in adequate because I've allowed the pace to outrun my peace and what we have to do is find a way to make sure that our pace is in the rhythm of our peace or we got to slow down and change everything again. You know, one of the nuggets that you put in the book was about soul care, right? And that's how we do that.

That's how we slow down and feed ourselves and pay attention to ourselves. Brunei Brown. Lever. Awesome. I stay. Oh my goodness. Staying.

Yeah. She doesn't want me to be done. She every single time, you know, I watch her TED Talks. I read her books there to leave about being vulnerable and leaving through courage. You know, it's just all of these things that you can do to protect yourself, to heal yourself, but you have to give yourself time.

So one of the other things that I did, and I believe you kind of recommended this in your book, was watching the content that you take in, so taking some time away from the news and taking time away, especially from social media, because it's so easy to get caught up in what other people are doing and not focusing on you.

And so you're in this mode, like, oh, they're doing this, I have to do this too. No, that's not your race. That's what they did. You don't know how long it took them to get to that point. You don't know the struggles that they have in night when they're not on social media.

So just taking some time to breathe and the time that you would spend on social media, investing you. So whether that's picking up a book, writing some a business plan, whatever that is, and you'll see that you get a lot done. We spend a lot of time on social media. And so if we just split that time and invest in ourselves, I think we'll see the fruition of it. Absolutely. I'm doing some investing in myself this week,

just by like taking time and stepping away and really breathing, you know, having that blank space, that white space where there's nothing going to docket and there's an opportunity for you to just check in with your own saw. I can feel the fragility connected to that moment. Like I can feel finally having space to come undone

because we just weren't meant to carry all of these things that we carry. And if you create space for you to come undone then you won't blow up in your life because a lot of us are blowing up because we didn't create space to come undone. You, I think the fear is that if you come undone that you won't know how to come back together. And maybe there's a beauty in that too because maybe the way that you're put together right

now isn't how you're supposed to be functioning. So if you would allow yourself to come undone from that space, you can see how can I be built anew? Not back to who I used to be, not back to who everyone loved and needed, but how can I be built on something that is more solid and is my truth. And it sounds like that's exactly what you did even in your relationship with your husband really deciding, I need to come undone so that I can build a reflection, a mayor's that is a reflection of what I need for my life.

Yep, absolutely. Absolutely. And having a partner that understands that and gets that, it's a blessing. Yeah. It's a blessing. And I was, I was, one, the fast track to a horrible marriage. I said yes to a person who I knew.

I knew it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't God's it. But it became more about homes supposed to be married by this certain age. a person who I knew, I knew it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't guy to it, but it was, it became more about home supposed to be married by this certain age. And I'm almost there. And I'm dating him. So. And finally guy was just like, you need to release that. And as soon as I did, and I was able to focus on me and get back to him, my husband had been sitting in my face the entire time. I grew up in the church that he works at. You better.

So. Testifying. I did that. God did that. Look, in the face, the glow is telling us that God then did it and continues to do it. And he continues to do it. As a member of a growing team, speed and alignment help us process, clarify, and manage multiple projects at one time. Notion is a hub that provides one central and customizable workplace.

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so you can make speed your advantage. Find out how Notion may be the missing piece your team needs. Take the first step towards an organized happy team today, again at Notion.SO. What's been like the greatest thing you've learned about marriage, like since the time you've been married, like the number one lesson that you keep relearning

about marriage? Communication. Yeah. Communication. It is truly all about communication. It's about your timing or tone, your text. It's about speaking to him in his love language and him speaking to you in your love language. Not putting false expectations on your partner. Not, you know, although you're a partner, they may bring

you joy that's not their sole purpose Right, and you have to be able to sustain that for yourself. Yeah, and so not really having these again These foster expectations for you for your spouses is life-changing, but that communication piece It's something that we constantly work on and even after you know argument will take up all And we'll come back and we'll say okay, well, how can we have done that? Definitely because I didn't really go right. Yeah. So, yeah, and before I got married, I heard that from everybody.

Communication to keep. That's why everyone says. And I just didn't realize how big it actually plays a part in your marriage. It's really, I think, what about you? No, I was going to say, I think it's really hard to explain unless you're in it, right? It's like the advice that you're giving like my daughter's 12 and I'm like, girl, you don't wish you was 12 in 20 years. And like you just don't get it until you get there. Yeah. But I do think communication is it's communication. I will tell you those because we already said communication so I'm gonna give another one

I think the greatest lesson that I continue to learn over and over again in my marriage is your safe here your safe here Because I think it's I feel like it's similar to our relationship with God and that you kind of feel like if you see this part of me, if I'm having a bad day and I'm short, like if these things happen, will you still value me, the way that you valued me when I walked down the aisle, will you still see me in that same way that you see me? And I am learning that I'm safe enough

to have those bad days, to apologize for them, and for the love to still stay intact. I'm learning that I can dream big dreams, and they can be safe in the context of my marriage, that his thoughts, or his, we call it pulling at the 10 strings, right? So if I have an idea, to me, when we first got married, I was like, you're poking holes in my dreams.

And he's like, you're poking holes in it. Look at all of that hope coming out of my dream. But he's like, no, I'm making your dream stronger. I'm helping you to understand what adversity is connected to it. And I think for, because at the end of the day, we ended up feeling like little girls in marriage. It felt like, oh my gosh, I'm not safe enough to dream here, but my husband wants to see my dream become more vast

and more powerful and more beautiful. And so he gives me a perspective that helps me to dream a fuller dream, a dream that's in color and not just black and white, but I had to learn to be safe. Every part of me can be safe in the context of this marriage. So I think that's the greatest lesson I continue to learn. Yeah, my husband's the same way. I am the creative in our relationship and he's more of the like, how is this going to happen? When is this going to happen? Like,

putting the logistics to make sure that we can actually execute it. And so he constantly does that to me, but there is so much power in the well-rounded of that dream now, right? Because you're able to think about it from different perspectives that you really can't execute it. Because at the time, I just have the big picture. Be out here. Be out here. Just out here somewhere. He's like, but how are we getting there? And so I really be out here, just out here somewhere. And he's like, but how are we getting there? And so I really appreciate him for that. The other thing I was gonna say is that it's painful,

but your spouse is like your mirror, right? You see your true self with your spouse. I mean, you could front all you want, but eventually you're gonna see, and there's some things that my husband used to tell me, no, I don't do that, no, I don't, no. That's just you. And then over time, I'm like, oh my God, I can do that.

And so they truly become the mirror that you look into and it's like, this is really who I am. And you're able to correct in a safe, like you said, in a safe environment. And you know that they're not telling you anything to harm you or hurt you or anything like that, but it's only to make you better. And you're the same for your spouse. So, yeah, that was a painful lesson, but it's one that I value now. It sounds elementary, but I highly advise that you not marry someone who's thought you don't value. Because when you marry someone because you go out all like to do the same things and

you like to watch the same shows, like, it's nice shoes are tired. You don't even turn the TV on. All right, so this can be about the same movies and the same music. And it can be about the check that you have or don't have. You need to marry someone who's thoughts you value because one day that person is going to be thinking on your behalf when you're raising children when you're in a hospital when he's got to make a decision about money and you're not around. This person is going to be thinking on your behalf. So if you are dating someone and they don't have a thought in their whole head, now you know. Sometimes holy goes that not a thought, no way, running around.

It's just nothing but emptiness in there. You may want to pivot and be with someone whose thoughts and opinions you value because you want going to build a life together and you want to know that that side of your life, that side of the house that you're going to have to live in is sturdy, insecure. And that is one of the most beautiful lessons that I learned through all of my different relationships and heart breaks is that at the end of the day, I want to be with someone who's thoughts I value. Yeah, I love that.

I love that. Okay. We're going to answer and advice question together. Oh, cool. First of all, I love when the advice question starts off saying this is a really long story. I love it. Because let me tell you something,

Jessica, just between me and you, like it is a long story. But like they still leave details out. And so now I'm invested in this long story, but I don't know when folks met, I don't know what kind of tone they had when they said what they said to you. So we're gonna go forward anyway and see what happens, okay?

Okay. This is a really long story with a few questions in between, but I'll try to make it as short and straightforward as possible. I'm not sure if there's an age requirement for the podcast, but I'll ask for advice anyway. I lost my sister in 2019 and it took a huge toll on me. I battled with remaining close to God and after a while I started to struggle with anxiety as well. I get scared once it's nighttime and I have this constant fear of losing another loved one.

I'm also struggling with a pornography addiction. I know everyone says to pray to God, but I get scared of praying as well, especially at night. What should I do? I'm 17 and sometimes feel like my dreams are bigger than me. I also know that God has this great plan for my life But how do I bring all that out with all the problems I'm going through? I've always believed in the saying you can't pour from an empty cup So I've been trying to work on myself completely before I try to start to impact the lives of others. But recently I've been seeing and hearing a lot of things saying there's no perfect time

to start or that you shouldn't wait to be a master at something but be willing to be a student of Christ. I want to start a YouTube channel to inspire others through my story, but I feel like the story isn't complete yet so I can't start it. How can I try to teach others when I have my own problems? I also want to raise money to send home to Nigeria to help pay the hospital bills of people who are kept there because they aren't able to pay and provide items

for as much of the less privilege as I can for my birthday in January. But I feel like no one will take the fundraiser seriously since I'm 17. These among many other reasons are why I think my dreams are bigger than mean. I'd really love advice on how I can get closer to God and overcome all I'm going. These among many other reasons are why I think my dreams are bigger than me. I'd really love advice on how I can get closer to God and overcome all I'm going through in my life

as well as work towards my dreams. Thank you. Just she gave us, she won't lie. She said it's a long story with a few questions. I wanna start by saying, first of all, there is no age requirement, not just descending a question, but to be purposeful and powerful in the kingdom of God. So, all of these desires that you have, these dreams that God has given you, there is no age requirement on them.

The only thing that I will say is this, that to your point about pouring from an empty cup, you've got to know what you're imparting in someone. When you talk about ministry, when you talk about YouTube, you have to know what you're giving them. And it sounds like you're still trying to figure out what it is that you have yourself. And that is no indictment. That happens at 17.

That happens at 70. That happens at 37. It happens at 50. We have at 37, it happens at 50. We have to know what we're giving someone. That is where the vision begins. So I think that you mentioned some things here. You're experiencing grief, you're experiencing anxiety, you have an addiction.

These are all areas where you wanna heal and develop so that when you begin to pour into other people's life, you have power connected to the vision. A lot of times we have vision, but we don't have power connected to the vision. And power is what allows it to go from just living inside of us to motivating, motivating someone else to tap into that power, right? When Jesus anointed the disciples, he says, I'm giving you power. What do you need that power for? Because you're going to need power to break things off of other people.

You're gonna need power to see them be healed. And until you experience that power for yourself, you're not able to properly tell other people about it. I highly suggest you get unplugged into therapy. You've experienced and made your loss with the loss of your sister. And it's still with you to navigate that grief, to navigate what that pornography is doomed to for you.

You said you're addicted. Addiction for me is always a symptom of a deeper need, a deeper issue. What is it that that is filling down on the inside of you and to take inventory from that as you heal, as you begin to see restoration and examination so that you can see the areas of your life that need restoration. I think everything with purpose is going to fall in line. I'm going to give you $500 towards your birthday thing that you want to do for the children in Nigeria. So I take you seriously, we'll make sure that we get everything that you need

to you so that you can continue to help those back in your country, but I take you seriously. And I know, blasting all say now, I'm going to see what Jessica has to say. The fact that this is on your heart at this age to me is a sign of what God wants to do through you. Because there are plenty of 17-year-olds who are not focused on reaching towards who they can be in God, who have struggles and addictions and issues, but see it as a part of just their youth and a part of their life. I was one of them. And yet at 17, God has placed an urgency on your heart to really become holy and righteous and to live a life that is a reflection of him. And I think

that that is a sign of the incredible things that God wants to do through you at an early age. What do you think, girl? Yeah. Well, you know what, you said it. You know, but I will add, I will add that I do want to match your 500 to help because I really believe in you as well. And it takes courage to even put something out there like that. So thank you for doing that. Another thing that I'll add is that community is everything. And so along with therapy, I think that you could definitely get like a mentor or get into a community of like-minded people who are trying to get where you are, who are already there, right?

Have people to be able to pour into you. Sarah, your book is amazing. So that's, I know you've probably already read it, but if you have it, go ahead and pick that up. But there's a lot of different resources that we were just talking about that are awesome books that can help you, but community. Pour into yourself, get the content that you need

that it's gonna help you grow and just do it. That's my motto. Just do it. If God is calling you to do it, just do it. And there's like, Sarah, there's some steps that you have to do to get there. But God has got you and you can do anything that you put your mind to. So we love you. And again, thank you so much for sharing. We do. Jessica, I love you. I love you. You are such a light. And I can tell that you are the kind of woman that makes other women better because they are connected to you. So thank you.

Thank you for allowing your life to shine. And for all that you're doing to make us better, I have a feeling our paths will cross. And I hope to help when you and love when you face to face. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you so much for having me. This has been amazing to even have be able to see here and just have a girlfriend chat with you. Awesome. I love it. So thank you for having me. So honored. My pleasure. You take care. You too. Bye. Bye.

It's a whole lot of gems being thrown in this episode and I know that it has already blessed your life, okay? Jessica, my friend, you said some things that will for sure help other women like me and you conquer some giants. You are amazing. Like I said, one of those women who just make other women better. I was so blessed by the time that we were able to share. Thank you for matching my donation. We're going

to make sure our little sister is able to grow and evolve and help others along the way. You know what's crazy? My next co-host is listening, but still ain't sending an email. That's crazy. Shoot your shot and stop playing. Email at woman evolve.com if you're not ready to co-host That's all right going and use that burner email account and tell me your business so that I can give you some advice Same email podcasts at woman evolve.com Either way, we're doing life together whether you're listening and too scared to send that email or Actually going to shoot your shot. We're in this thing together I need your spirit your heart. We're in this thing together.

I need your spirit, your heart, your energy plugged into this podcast. Telephone about it, rate it, subscribe it, and then see you next week. you