Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Fire to Stay in the Fight w/ Adrienne Bailon-Houghton

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Yeah W.E. knuckin' and buckin' and ready to fight! You see, our toxic trait is…ANYBODY can get it. But Sis, shouldn't God’s promises fuel the fight? Keepin’ it all the way real is singer, actress, host, & NEW mom Adrienne Bailon-Houghton! She & SJR sparked up a convo on the revolutionary fire to stay in the fight. And Delegation, it's giving the FULL armor of God! Be it flame or ember, you gotta roll with the punches while pursuing the desires of your heart. Press PLAY and glean from Adrienne’s journey of sheer tenacity. It’s bound to leave you burning for more! Then, kick it with us this Friday (8/19) night for soul-care in the sanctuary: Hey YOU, Fire Edition! As a loyal listener, start your day with a scoop of nutrition from AthleticGreens.com/Evolve + finish the night with a tasty recipe from HelloFresh.com/WomanEvolve16.

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God party for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Try. Today is going to be a blast. My co-host, friend, and just overall amazing human being, Adrian Bailan-Hotin, is probably the most veteran of any guess we've had. This has earned her delegation strikes by pulling up on us during our virtual experience and chatting with me in a PJ interview on Mom and Evolve TV. There are some people you talk to and you think to yourself, I talk to them once, there's nothing else that we can talk about.

But every time I speak with Adrian, she adds so much value, so much insight into whatever is taking place in my life that I know it's only a result of her constantly evolving in her own. She's sharing some new lessons with us about really just staying in the fight, maintaining your fire when life gets tough, when life starts to strip you away. And we're going to learn from her, so let's get into it. you away and we're going to learn from her so let's get into it. So you've been open about your story but to the comfort of what you're willing to share. I just want to talk about you like staying in the fight like with your career, personally like how you keep the passion to continue to you know sign up for things that seem bigger than you or hard. Honestly, I feel like the flames come and go. The embers come and go.

There are days when I feel like I can do it and I can, I'm resilient and anything is possible. And then there are other days when I just want to lay down and like cry and wake up two days later and then maybe I can be ready for the fight. I think people don't recognize that your fight doesn't have to be consistent every single day 24 days, I mean 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can, you can reignitify your every four days if necessary. You know what I'm saying. So for me,

So for me, whether it's been like my career, which I feel like has ended and started three different times in my life, I feel like there is a part of, there's a part of that why I never give up has to do with the fact that I really do believe that God has a plan on a purpose for my life. I know that's so cliche to say, but I really do believe that if I'm here, if there is life in me, then there's purpose in me. If I'm still here, then it's for a reason. And maybe I just need to find the drive, the passion, the fire to fuel, whatever that purpose is. And for me, that's spending time alone. I know this sounds really weird, but I'm the type of person that I feel most myself

when I'm alone. Oh, me too, though, but me too. That's not, I don't think that's weird. And people think that if you're that way, because I'm introverted and people are like, you, I would never get you introverted, like you're so this year, so that, but it's like people think that introverted

means that you don't speak, that you don't have a personality, like yeah, I'm cool, I'm funny, all those things, but like by myself also, that's good for me. Yeah, I think the people don't realize, I actually learned this during the pandemic was being an introvert means that you are fueled by being spending time by yourself,

by going inside, going inside fuels me, where there are other people who get energized by being around a lot of people and that's where they feed off their energy. I am not that person. I get my best ideas when I'm alone, in the shower, it's like that is when I'm ugly and just home and like a top not and no makeup on. That's when I feel my most beautiful. That's when I'm just like, who am I? I can hear the voice of the Lord.

I just need a second of silence. And that is what fuels me. That is what creates my fire inside of me is time alone. And it's okay. I think for people to recognize that you're only going to be your best if you've had that time to refuel, to find your fire, to relic your fire, to, it's not realistic to just think you're going to be on fire the whole time. Real fires going out, okay?

You got to, you got to, we just came from camp and we were doing bonfires every night with s'mores and things like that. And I was like, we need to keep throwing stuff in there to keep it going. And I think it's like that in our real lives as well. And our things that we're passionate about, it's important to take, take a moment for you to figure out. And the crazy thing is I'd be feeling like my fire changes for different things. I can be so hype about one thing in one season. And then I'm not

in to it at all a few months later. I'm like, that's not at all what I want to do anymore. I'm passionate about something else and recognizing what you're on fire for and being okay with taking a moment to relight that fire is key. I love it because you talked about like flame and embers flame and embers and like that up and down of the fire. Like what do you think the embers teach you that the flame can't teach you? And like what does the flame teach you that the embers can't teach you? What do the embers teach me? Honestly, for me, the embers teach me what fire is going to actually last.

That makes sense. What fire is going to actually last? Does that make sense? I feel like there are things that are short-term goals, long-term goals, things that something has simply as a show, as much as I could be like, okay, I was so passionate about the real for all those years. If I'm honest, there was a time when I was like, I'm not really passionate about this and I only realized that when I took a moment to sit in my embers. Wow. Does that make sense? If the pandemic had never happened, I think I just would have been on that

hamster wheel of just like going, going, going, going. I wake up before 30 in the morning, I shoot a show. It wasn't until I had a moment to just sit in the silence that I was like, I actually have other things that I'm interested in or I'm passionate about other things for, wow, I can cook meals with my husband and I didn't have those, I was in bed by eight o'clock every night, we wasn't cooking nothing, like there were certain parts

of my life that I didn't realize I was missing out on until I, like that was for me the embers, it was like my pause time, my still moment that I realized, maybe I don't love this fire as much as I thought. Yeah. And maybe my fire can burn for something else. I realized how much I missed my family. My whole family came and stayed with me in Calabasis.

And I, we all lived under one, when do you get that opportunity in line to live with your siblings and your parents, again, under one roof, I loved it. And it made me realize how much I missed having them in my everyday life. And I couldn't do that being on the West Coast. And so I ended up buying a home in New York.

And it, for me, made me realize what is it that actually is what is my fire does that make sense and for me it's my family it's asking me what my why is my why is my family and it kind of just shifted my perspective in a way that made this gonna sound crazy made like Hollywood or a TV show and those kind of things not as significant to me anymore. That doesn't, I don't think that sounds crazy at all. I think it's like sobering. I think, you know, what's on my fire to stay in the fight, but I think we first have to qualify like what is the fight?

Like is the fight for fame? Is it for a career for money for success? Or is the fight for like for my peace and my wholeness? And I think that that's why the fire can like go up and down cause sometimes your fire is hijacked by hustle, your fire is hijacked by achievement but to really reclaim your fire. And it's like I really wanna burn for what feels authentic,

what feels me. I think that's powerful. It seems like that's the journey that you're on to. How do you like do you, I guess, maybe have to reconcile with this idea that like God gave me this opportunity and I should be grateful for it, but I'm not on fire for it anymore. Like is there a guilt connected to that and like how do grateful for it, but I'm not on fire for it anymore. Like, is there a guilt connected to that

and like how do you navigate it? Oh, sure. For sure, I feel like in so many ways, when I would say things like, I don't care about this thing. I think I actually said it on one of the episodes of The Real and my producers later came back. They're like, why were you saying that?

Like it was offensive to them. And I had to explain, I'm like, no, you don't, I'm not saying I don't care about this show. I don't care as much about what my perception is to the world as I do about who I am in real life. Like, does that make sense? And I feel like for so much of my life and my career, it's been on camera, it's been on screen,

it's been in front of the world. And I just enjoy more so the things that aren't captured on Instagram anymore. I enjoy, you know, not having a full beat of my guy. I genuinely enjoy looking in the mirror and just seeing like me, like, and it's so weird how that has changed so much and there is a part of that that has felt really guilty to me.

Like does that mean you don't, you know how many girls would love to be in your seat, would love to have and I get that and I value that and it kind of came to form when I was like then they should be able to do that. And I hope they do get that opportunity to do that. And I hope that what I have done has created a pathway for them to be able to do that. And I hope things do get that opportunity to do that. And I hope that what I have done has created a pathway for them to be able to do that. But I don't think you should fight for something that you're not on fire for.

Oh, that's okay. It's actually unfair to hold that space when somebody is on fire for that. And they should get that opportunity. And I would love to see that and I'd be the first one being like, yes, you're killing it, like that's amazing. But I think specifically for me, even as the show went on, it changed what it was.

I used to joke around that like no one does stupid better than us in daytime. Like we genuinely were girls that enjoyed having fun and being silly. The reality is our world was not in that place anymore. It wasn't a very dark place. We had to speak up for injustice as the only woman of color on daytime television as a show that represented that. Those conversations were difficult. They were not something to be like, and funny about.

And then I also recognized that there was a part of, I loved sharing my own personal stories. I didn't as much love talking or feeling like I was, like I had the right to speak on other people's stories. And that was hard for me. That was like, I don't have peace. Like I literally would go to sleep at night. Like did I say some crazy? Like is this gonna be a problem tomorrow morning?

And crazy enough, three years before I didn't feel that way. So I was like this what it is, that's my opinion. And I don't know if that's God's conviction on my, I don't know. I don't know what that is, but it was different for me. So I recognize that and there definitely is guilt attached to that, but at the same time there was so much peace. And I rather focus on the peace that I have doing a show for literally a decade.

I started the real when I was 20 now. I started auditioning when I was 28, got the show when I was 29. That was the summer run. We were on air at 30. I will be 40 next year. So that's a whole 10 years of my life. And I think it's okay to be like,

it's time to move on and find peace in that for sure. Everybody who knows me knows that I love to cook, but in the summertime I'm on summer break like everyone else in this house. I prefer to spend less time in the kitchen and more time relaxing. Thanks to Hello Fresh America's number one meal kit, I get to do just that. I'm spending up to 30 minutes in the kitchen cooking this amazingly good recipe that are basically full proof. You literally cannot mess it up.

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I love the flexibility of hello fresh. They are giving us the easy option of changing our delivery address to wherever Vacation it. Oh cooking on cooking on vacation sounds like coins being saved. Eating out on vacation is a bill that you can avoid by using HelloFresh. Spend those coins on souvenirs, dope adventures, or add them to your next vacation. Go to HelloFresh.com slash 1-1-16 and use code 1-1-16 for up to 16 free meals and 3 free gifts. I just hear so much like authenticity and like giving yourself permission to grow and change and to make peace with that and to create space for other women because sometimes I think

to your point like we stay in position that we're no longer on fire for because we feel guilty about moving on but then we're resentful about staying in place. And so to say, you know what? Like maybe someone else should hold this position. That is like, that takes a lot of courage. And it's very... We're the title. We like the title. We like the idea of it more than we like actually doing it.

Like whatever it is. Like I know for so many people they're like, five days a week on television, that's real estate, that's daytime, real, and I genuinely felt like, but I'm not passionate about it in that space. And guess what, three years Michael Byron, I'm like, you like, let me get back in here too. And that's okay too. So, but I do think it's important to also recognize that there are people on fire for certain things

that maybe you're not on fire for, you might wanna give them a chance. And I wanna bow out gracefully and let them, and you never know what if them being on fire for that position ignites your fire again. Yeah. You can sit back and see them carry this torch and kill it and that torch reignites your fire.

There's so much in this. On so many levels from my leadership in church to everything. Oh, girl. Yes. For sure, because we see that in church all the time. We're like, there's a pastor who doesn't want to be in position, but he doesn't want to turn over anyone else. So he just stays there instead of giving other people

an opportunity to grow and develop. And when I tell you there are hungry people who are like, listen, I would love to try. I think I have a gift and they just never get the opportunity to do it. Ah. And that is a shame. Yeah. That is the same. And I think it's okay to do a little soul searching, recognize that, pass on the torch. And like I said, that doesn't mean that you'll never be in that

position again. What if this re-adnice your fire? What if it starts a new chapter for you? again, what if this re-adnice your fire, what if it starts a new chapter for you, and a nice, you're fire in a different space where you kill. So, you never know. One area of your life where like you have never had the flame in birthing, like you've only been flame, you've always been on fire about blank and you don't think that will ever change. Love. Oh really?

I've been on fire, but I've been on fire just on fire before the wrong people. But like, I just always, like, I don't know what that is. I guess I'm a relationship girl. I've always wanted to not even wanted. It's not even like I've been intentional about it clearly. I've always been a romantic at heart. Like I believe in love, I believe in like,

I don't know. Maybe a support or even think me and J-Lo got that in common, we'd be out here just in love, okay? But I do believe in love, I believe in relationships, not just in romantic relationships, but like, I will always be on fire for my family always. That'll never change. That'll never change.

Like, that is a love that I can't even, if I think about my nieces, I'll be like, like, there is something that has been embedded inside of me to have like such a fire for my family to protect them, to love them, to be there for them to be a peacemaker amongst us. Like I just love and family, which I think when you're in love with somebody and they become your husband, they become your family. And I have a whole family in Israel, so I'm grateful.

I will never lose. And that's even my sketch, because I guess technically, I still consider us newlyweds. This year will be six years. Is this six years a six, right? When did I get married? 26 years. I got married.

In 2016. Because Ella was just a baby. It's here with part of the reason what, yeah. So this year will be six years. I still feel like newlyweds, but maybe that will come a day where maybe in certain areas it's not like, oh my gosh, but I don't know. We shall see. I'll catch up with you at that point.

No, I don't think so, because I don't feel it. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. And then you guys do life with each other. And so I don't, yeah. And then you guys do life with each other. And so I don't know, there's something about just constantly being with each other, where you either are going to fall deeper in love or you're going to be like, I totally chose wrong.

Because you spend so much time together, I think it has an opportunity to really develop that love. What's been like, I don't know, what is it about your relationship that makes you a better person, that like makes you feel constantly those moments that like I did good when I chose you. Oh my gosh, I have so many of them.

For us, we laughed together so much that there are, like we were at the airport yesterday and walking through over Delirious, our flight kept getting delayed. We landed at like four o'clock in the morning and we are so stupid and silly together that I'd be like, yo, who else could I be this stupid and this silly with? And like, there's moments like that that I'm like, I did so well because you are, you get me and I get you and nobody else would think, like if somebody else watches, I actually think they walk by us just like what is wrong with these two. So there's moments like that, laughter are moments of laughter for me, get me every time.

I also think I, I'm like a fan of Israel's, like musically. Does that make sense? Like, I actually think he's so talented and so dope that there's moments that I'm just like in awe of how dope he is. And I feel like he has those kind of moments with me too, whether it's like coming up with an idea. And he's like, yo, you're like legit.

And she, like we're fascinated with each other in different ways. For me, it's him musically. I can be fascinated with just his musicality. I just think it's so dope. And then for Kim, with me, it's like other things. I go, I did something on a business level or whatever. Another thing I will say is he makes me want to be more thoughtful and the kind of friend

he is to people makes me want to be a better friend. Is this a real, is thinks about people? I'll be honest, I'll be busy. I'll be thinking about myself. But is think like is will be like I wonder how this person is doing and he actually picks up the phone and calls them or sends them a message. Sarah you're like that too. I'm the worst. I'll have a whole conversation about you but never tell you that like I was thinking about you. But I'll literally be like, she's so dope. I love her and is will tell me, like tell her that,

like send her a message, even if it's quick and simple. I used to think that was corny or that people would think I was weird if I did that. You know, like so corny, like go send a message. I was thinking about you. You know? No, it's so funny though, because whenever I do reach out to you,

like when you respond, you show love. It's, you know know everyone's got their own thing their own way of expressing but one of the things that I appreciate about being in friendship with you is that like literally could be months could be a year two years especially after the pandemic since I've seen you are connected with you and it's always like we kind of pick up exactly where we left off and I feel like when it comes to relationships and maintaining relationships, that undercurrent of love that keeps you engaged, like that's hard to cultivate.

And it doesn't happen with everyone, but when it does happen, you really have to honor it. And it sounds like even with you and your family, like that's just something that you didn't allow distance to keep you from doing. Like you stayed plugged in and it's so hard unless there's some level of intentionality connected to that and it's done like you guys have that.

Yeah, for sure. Thank God for group chats and. Yeah. But yeah, definitely you have to be intentional about it and I feel like he makes me want to be more intentional. So if you start receiving like just a real sappy text message just for me, just get it. But I'm gonna just be like,

thank you A and thank you E is for this text message. Totally his influence. I really used to think that stuff like that was corny, like where that people would be put off by that. Like, ooh, why is she sending me this? Like I literally used to think that. So I'm grateful that he's softened me and made me a little bit more on.

It's just like the softest side of tears. It's like the sun comes. Yeah, they're dead. The sun comes to the side of me. For sure. For sure. For sure. You know what?

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the microphone at the top of the page and type Evolve. Do you think that him softening you up, like I know you said you were always in the love and family though, but do you think that him softening you up makes you desire motherhood even more the way that you've been? Because I've heard you talk about it more recently than I think you have because you are just kind of keeping it private. But do you think that level of vulnerability and transparency is that a result of just like I want to show this,

you know, more softer side of who I am as well. For sure, I feel like the last five years, I also joke that like, is is my first child. Because, and that sounds crazy, but there's a certain love that I have for is that makes me want to like protect him. I want to eat in the middle of the night, I wake up and make sure that he's breathing. Like, and I never, like that sounds so crazy. My family actually makes fun of me for it

because I'll be like, is he okay? Is he like, I joke that like, if you know Israel, he's like a little reckless, like just in general. Like he likes to jump off of things. I think he's gone skydiving more than 40 times. He don't do that no more than I would be. We're not jumping out.

We're finished with that. We're done. But for that practice and death, we are right. We good. No. Who does that? So this is school he is. Like he definitely has like a crazy boy tied to him that like does weird things like Like skips like seven steps jump stuff

He's added some anxiety to my life in that sense where I'm like Don't break the bone don't but Even in that Recognizing that I could love someone so deeply has definitely made me want to be a mother that much I've always thought I'd be a mom and obviously my journey hasn't been what I thought it would be and it's funny that you say that I haven't spoken about it much until now and it's obviously been like a six-year-long journey but two parts to that. I felt like as transparent and open and honest as I am about so many things,

I also had to recognize there were certain things that were sacred to me. And my journey to motherhood has really been sacred to me. I have to use wisdom and like if I talk about this so freely that also means I have to be prepared for people to have opinions about it just this freely. And I don't think I was strong enough for that. Like at that time I had to actually work through my own sadness about it, my own like, how do I even feel about this before I can open up to strangers and the world to have their opinion about it? What do I feel about this? And I feel like now that I've worked through a lot of that. It's not easy, but I Feel like now I've been able to talk about it more and just be like this has really been

probably one of the hardest things I've ever been through and there were certain spaces that I felt were not safe for me to have that conversation. And then there's others where I do feel like there's going to be people that are praying for me. There's going to be people that can relate to it. There's new people that maybe can find healing and like caring that they're not alone and that like like, this can happen to any of us. I'm a Latina and let me tell you, I thought that if somebody looked at me, I was gonna get pregnant. It's, I was so sure.

I was so sure. And then it just didn't work out that way for me and my story has been so crazy and strange but I have known one thing and I actually have talked about it because of you. That's so weird. I never, I'm actually having the conversation that I was about to quote you to you. That's what I was about. Wow. Okay. Well, go ahead, continue. Right. So I have been saying like, it's not a question of will I become a mother. It's a question of when, which you actually said to me once.

And I even had the questions of like going through fertility treatments and like, what does it all mean? There actually are legit people that will say like, you're trying to play God. And that messed with me for a while. I was just like, well, why is it that if people have cancer, they don't tell them if they're going through chemo that's playing God, like you're just getting treatment for something that maybe

isn't right or that you need help with or that's like mental illness, that's a whole other conversation. But you know what I mean? And you actually said something to me which was, I think I was like, if it doesn't work, does that mean because it wasn't in God's will, or that I'm doing something that God doesn't want me to do? And if it does work, that it is in His will, it was something to that effect pretty much.

I'm not saying it verbatim, but it was something to the effect of, like, you're not playing God, and God is still in control. No matter what fertility treatments we do or don't do, God is still in control. He's always in control. And there's been treatments we do or don't do, God is still in control. He's always in control. And there's been treatments that I've done that didn't work. There's been treatments that worked that you work. And God was in control of all of that.

He was in control of the timing. He was in control of what made me stronger in the process. Like throughout the whole thing, I can absolutely see God's hand in all of it. And I'm grateful. I'm so, I don't think I would be able to like talk this freely if I didn't go through that, have that time and also strengthen my faith in God and this plans for me. So there's that. Okay. So I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too. I want to hear your story. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions. You can send me your application, your video, to be a co-host to podcast at warmandevolved.com. Let me know what it is you want to talk about. Why it's important to you that you be on the podcast.

Maybe you like girl, I am not not gonna be on anybody's podcast. I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question, podcast at womanevolve.com. Okay, let's get back to the podcast. A, you said something. You know, if you realize how much permission

you just gave us to not force ourselves to make every battle public because you said that you didn't feel like you were strong enough to have people freely put their opinions into your personal life. And it sounds like maybe small to you or maybe it doesn't, but I think so many of us feel like I don't want to engage in this fight for my mental health. I don't want to engage in this fight for my peace, for my purpose.

I don't want to stay in this fight. I have no fire because I don't know about the opinions connected to it. But the idea that I could get into a fight and it could just be between me and God. It can be between me and maybe just my close friends. I don't have to make an announcement. It doesn't have to be public.

It allows us to really have the tenacity to do what we need to do in order to really experience victory. Sometimes you have to really decide what's most important. Me maintaining the fire for the fight or announcing the fight so that other people know that I'm in a fight. Sometimes it's really just about cultivating this. I got to keep this fire burning and sometimes this fire can be blown out very easily because I'm discouraged and I'm disappointed. And so protecting that fire becomes the number one goal and that means you may not be able to share it with everyone.

People used to say, why don't you share your story? And I would watch other people do their fertility achievements and literally take pregnancy tests and hold them. And I'm not judging them. More power to I couldn't do it. But the phone would be down. I can't. I'm gonna be crying.

I like, I couldn't do it. And not only that, but I also felt like, I will share my story. I just wanna share it in a way that brings someone home. I didn't feel like it was gonna be helpful for me to be having a breakdown with you. You know what I'm saying? Let one of us pull on those together

that helps you out. Let me give you a helping hand. I can't do that if I'm not strong enough to do that in my own right. So I feel like my sister literally would call me and be like, yo, you really not sharing this. I am, my sister would literally be like, I'm shot like, I was so short.

Every time you get on that, you just gonna be like, and this is what's happening. And she actually called me and she's like, there is growth there because there's a time where you would have thought you owed it to people to share your story. You're was the time where like you literally would have thought like I have to say it

because like they know something's going on, so I have to say it. I don't owe that to nobody. I don't owe that to anybody when I'm ready, I will share and until then, here we are. And it's okay. And I can even share this part. You get what I'm saying?

But there was a time when my sister literally was like, I'm really proud of you. Like you really kept that for yourself. Yeah. I love that. First of all, we're gonna make that a clip because that I don't owe it to nobody is going to Says somebody free and is going to give them the power they need to just be on silent mode while they're going through whatever

It is they're going through because so many families are just set up in a way where it's like we feel entitled to your Information and friendship circles entitled to your personal life and the truth is there are moments where I really, really need to keep this to myself so that me and God can figure out what it is. Because that's the thing about opening it up to everyone. As like by time everyone tells you their perspective of what it is, you don't even know what to believe anymore. Yes, yes, yes.

And I, I felt like, listen, if I'm hearing God's voice so clearly and the steps that I'm taking and the journey that I'm on, I don't want to hear your voice and your voice not gonna confuse me. Yeah. Like, there is something so beautiful and so, so pure about we have social media now

and everyone has an opinion on social media. It's the good and it's the bad. There are good things about social media that I absolutely love, that I can keep up with women of all, that you and the clips that I get to hear of you, that I'm like, yes, I love this. And then there's other things where you're like, why is this on my timeline?

Like, what did this do any good for me? And you just have to be careful about, I had to to be careful about like, I had to even be careful about who I was allowing to speak into my life because they knew that I was going through something and not only that, but like, what do I really believe? What do I believe? Do I believe that we serve a God

that can make miracles happen in 2022? Do like, what do I absolutely, what am I standing on and believing for myself, for my family and for my future children? And that's something I had to go, that was all in here, inward, that was not to sit for me and be like, well, guys, right now, like that's just

wasn't where I was at. But you're there now because you found your solid footing so you've been able to share. There's nothing anyone can tell me that would make me think differently at this point. Mm-hmm. Does that mean, and I did not feel that way before. I feel like at this point, anyone could tell me anything

and I'd be like, okay, thank you. I know what God said, but thanks. Yeah. And until you work to get to that place, you'll never be able to stay in any fight. Because at the end of the day, I'm fighting with the promises of God. Like I'm fighting with the word of God that I have.

Like that's the only weapon I have. I'm not mentally strong enough. I don't have the emotional 42. Like I can get knocked down very easily. But if I can stand up and say at the end of the day, I trust God. And I know that God's presence has been on this journey for this point of time, for this period of time. And I believe that his presence is going to take me the rest of the way. Like that's the only hope that we have.

Yeah. Literally. And I feel like if you don't take the time to sit in your embers, or figure out like, where is your fire? What does your fire mean? What's catching on fire, okay? What is catching on fire? What is catching on fire? I had to figure those things out for myself to have these conversations, because if not, I'd be listening to the person across

for me instead of the person above me. So I just had to like, Wusah, I know what I believe. And now I'm comfortable with having the conversation about it. But there was a moment, baby, it's going through it. And I can talk about it now. And it's like almost it's so crazy how you go through things. And when you're in it, none of it makes sense. And Israel has been saying this quote lately,

like nothing is wasted in God. Like nothing is wasted in God. Like what I've been through my journey, my lowest points are not just wasted. Like it's not, I can't even look at my marriage and say the last five years have been wasted because I didn't have any children in those five years that I wanted them to know.

Like, those five years are precious to me. Like, I will hold those first five years of my marriage. They are so special because who we became in those years. Like, I don't think is and I would be as, I don't know if that's a trauma bond or what, but let me tell you, it's a a bond and it's brought us close and it's at some point we couldn't depend on each other we had to depend on God. So I love that saying that he's been saying nothing is wasted in God and nothing makes sense when you're going through it. And then you look

back and you're like, wow, like I get it now. And I feel that. Listen, I feel like we need to have like applause inserted right there. Cause it's just gonna help so many people to, I mean, cause it's hard, like life is hard. Sometimes every day feels like a fight, it feels like a battle.

And I think that you've just given someone something that they can really stand on that will not be knocked down or easily moved when life gets to cutting up again as only life can do because she be on the cutout. Yeah, I have been obsessed with that. I think it's I'm a totally say this man's name wrong, but anyways the song with Chandler Moore and I totally say this man's name wrong. But anyway, it's a song with Chandler Moore and all I'm gonna say is name wrong. Anyway, it's called Fern Foundation.

Is it Cody Barnes? Is it Cody Barnes, right? Is it Barnes? Yeah. One of them, somebody messes, Barnes are Barnes, but I think it's Barnes. I think you are right. And the book, the bridge of that song is my favorite.

I actually saw it on social media, see the good things that, and they had that part. I'm like, I have them. It says, rain came, wind blew, but my house was built on you. And it made me think of like the story of the three, the big bad wolf or whatever, three pigs. And was it pigs?

It was somebody sending up their houses, one person built their house was straw, one person built their house with straw, one person built their house with sand, and somebody else did bricks and had a firm foundation. And I literally think about when he says, rain came, wind blew, but my house was built on you. I have a firm foundation. I even feel like whatever it is that's in your life that you're going through, if you can find a firm foundation. I even feel like whatever it is that's in your life

that you're going through, like, if you can find a firm foundation that you can stand on, a promise that you can hold onto, that no one can blow away from you. Like, that is the place you're looking for. And you've just gotta find it. You got to. Okay, so if you know me, then you know I love to cook and bake. Whether it's hosting Thanksgiving for our family and friends or dinner on a regular weekday

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This deal is exclusive for our listeners so visit carawayhome.com slash evolved or use code evolved at checkout caraway nontuxed cookware made modern. Now listen, I'm about to ask you this advice question, but a part of me feels like you already answered it, but I was just shoot my shot anyway. So this hey, pastor, Sarah, first I wanna thank you for the support, laughs, and being the wise sister that I always wanted.

What's up? You welcome. While many evolve came into my life exactly at the time that I always wanted. What's up? You welcome. One more evolve came into my life exactly at the time that I needed it. I was really nervous to send in this advice question, but here it goes. I am 33 year old, 33 years old, and I have been divorced in celibates in June, 2019. I have two small little boys, and I recently purchased a new home for us. I have gone to therapy and worked extensively on repairing my heart and mind after divorce

and what led me to make the poor decision of being with my ex-husband. I think that I am ready to start dating again, but my family believes that as a divorce woman, I should never date again because my focus should be on raising my children and nothing else. I am also terrified of messing up again and choosing a man that will break my heart and cause me to go through another crazy to Multuist situation. I have no idea what to do at this point because although my children are my priority, I know they will grow up and live their lives eventually. And I believe that I should have the love and

companionship of a husband one day if God wills it. I know that you've been in a similar situation. So please give me any tips or advice on how I should navigate this time in my life. Yeah. I'm going to let you go. Yeah. Three things. First, I feel like we all sing in church, good, good father, and no one actually really understands what that means. Like he actually has good plans for you. He wants good things for you. He wants you to actually be happy. He doesn't want you to live a miserable life where you're lonely and you feel alone. Like I don't think that's God's plan and purpose for our lives.

I think he created Adam with ease so that we can have companionship. Like there's something in that how he intended for us to live. So while I absolutely think that your children can be your focus, part point two is, anytime you have a parent, what's the first thing you ask them? What do you want for your children?

Like Sarah, what is it the one thing you want for your kids? What do you want them to be? Happy. Oh really? What is the example that you lead by? Are you happy? Do you live a fulfilled and happy life? I don't think parents think that way.

Like, oh, I want my kids to be happy, yet I'm so unhappy. So I've sacrificed my happiness. So how am I going to teach my children how to hold on to theirs? If I don't know how to live a happy life, if she feels that something that's missing in her life is a romantic companion and she wants it and she wants a husband and she wants a spouse She should be able to look for that and be an example of What a healthy happy marriage looks like to her sons and How great that could be for them to be like wow my mom was in a bad relationship And that was what it was but God is a God of second third and fourth chances and she gets to

now God is a God of second, third and fourth chances. And she gets to now find that happiness. And I know how to be happy because I saw a mom that found her way of happiness. Like that's part two and part three. What was my part three? That was gonna say, and third. Oh, that her kids are gonna grow up and like, wait, there was another part. What was her last question? It was about, um, Oh, is it, but she's afraid that she'll pick the wrong person again. That, that, yes. Okay. So yes, you could be afraid of that, right?

The reality is, could that happen to her again? Yes, right? But there's also this other side of a reality that you can end up with the love of her life. God could send her a purpose partner like he did for us. And she could live happily ever after. So I think obviously use wisdom and who you're choosing and, you know, pray about it. But, man, imagine not taking that chance and not having faith that God will like look You know, pray about it, but... Man, imagine not taking that chance and not having faith that God will like,

look out for you and hold you down and provide you with what you're looking for. I do think that if that's a desire that God is placed in a heart then he's gonna help for find that person. I hope. Yeah. On a turn.

Well, I think that you should really determine what's really bothering you. Is it your family saying that you're not ready or is it your fear that you're going to choose badly in the future? Because if it's just about what your family said, I think that like one, you don't necessarily need their permission to do anything. You know, it's great to have their counsel, it's great to have their wisdom, but if they don't see your growth, if they don't see your capable, you can take that into consideration, but you don't have to be governed by it. So if you're like, no, listen, I've done my work,

I'm in relationship with God. I'm ready to allow my heart to be open. It doesn't mean that you gonna have random people knocking on the door, meeting the kids. You can date privately away from the children, and when you find someone worthy of bringing into their life who have passed the test, then you can make an introduction, but you are able to have a separate life away from how you engage a potential partner with your children. So if it's about the parent thing, I think really explaining maybe this is my plan, this is what I'm going to do. I would appreciate you being a part of it because I'd love your perspective on whoever I may land on.

But at the end of the day, if you can't be supportive of my ability to make my own decisions, then I'll just keep you out of it and that'll be the best way to move forward. But if the issue is you're afraid of choosing wrong again, I think to AIDS point, like you're gonna use wisdom, you're gonna make sure you apply all of the lessons

from your past in order to make sure that you choose better. And to her point, yes, you could choose badly again. You could choose wrongly. I don't know. I don't think you could if you really done this work. If you choose badly, it's going to be a different kind of bad, which means I still growth from what you did yesterday.

There you go. But I will also say that you recovered from that and to not be consumed with the idea that you're so fragile that you can't withstand the reality of life. Because the reality of life is you could choose someone who has a different set of issues. You could choose someone who doesn't make it to the end of the journey with you. Like life is not guaranteeing any of us a happily ever after. All we can do is the best that we can in the moment that we're standing in.

And that's the greatest gift you can give yourself. I was gonna say that because, you know, going through relationships where I had like such major trust issues, like major trust issues, that I think that even in a new relationship that was healthy, there was a part of me that wanted to like, micromanage my trust. Like, well, it's like people that used to say, I trust him, but I'm still going to check that phone. Right. It was things like that. Like, oh, I trust him, but I also need to be watching everything.

I need to see what he's doing. Like, and then I came to this place of like, man, I can't live like that on multiple levels. If he's gonna do wrong by me, that's on him. That's between him and God, you, you, you, you're gonna look like an idiot. You, that, like I cannot control what everyone else does, but you know what I can't control when I arrive at them, probably white gates in heaven,

and Jesus asked me what I did. That's what I can control. I can be a good wife, I can be trusting, I can be trustworthy, I can write, and I feel like if you focused on that, you know what I mean? And also I've got to give you clarity. Like show me the signs, let reveal them to me.

Like let me tell you, it's so funny. We were telling people to write down, we recently just did this exercise with our group and we were like write down things that you are praying about and we were giving it to people and they were praying for the other person throughout the week and they didn't even know that that person was praying for them.

Like it was like don't talk about it, don't walk up to me like, God, I saw you pray a list. And there are certain things that no one would want to write. Like, God, I feel like this guy's cheating on me, but I don't, I don't want to write that down on my prayer list. And we were like, just right, reveal. Just write something like, give me clarity. Show me the signs, Lord.

But you can pray that way too. And really pray that God, let me tell you, I've been in situations and relations where I literally have prayed like God, if this is not the person for me, show it to me right now, like really, really pray that I also prayed like for graceful exits, like, I know I don't want to be in this, but at the same time, maybe I don't have the real reason for why God put it right in front of my face so I can see it and that I can gracefully bow out and be like, God bless you and this is why I can't be with you any longer.

And it was there every time. It never failed me. It would be like right there. And make sure when you pray those prayers, you're actually ready to move. Don't waste guys time. You on his phone wasting his minutes and you're not going to do nothing about it. You're not going to do nothing. That's what we prepared. Yes.

We prepared. So thank you for doing this. I know you're so tired with that delayed flight, but I appreciate you. I appreciate you sharing your heart and your growth and your fire. There's no way that anyone's ever around you and they don't feel the just contagious nature of your heart and your spirit. So thank you, you make us all better by just being you. Erin, I love you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. And this means so much to me. And I'm just so grateful that you've created such a dope space where women can come and people in general just get to hear your words and walk away like yes I heard from God through you so thank you thank you thank you my pleasure get some rest girl I will I will mom I love you I love you too bye A drain girl you so clutch and just timeless and effortless and just everything that the world needs.

You are always a breath of fresh air and I love me some you. Thank you so much for podcasting with me today friend. I know it can be a little intimidating to co-host after an Emmy award winner, but sis, I believe in you. I know you can do it. If you're up to the challenge, I want you to hit my inbox at podcast at woman evolved.com or as always, let me get in your business by sending an advice question. Remember to be a co-host, please attach a one to two minute video to your email about how amazing you are and a little bit about your journey. you