Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Hope for New Connections w/ Andrea Merkl

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Tell a friend, to tell a friend…she’s baaaccckkk! SJR is kickin’ things off with Andrea Merkl, an upcoming author, creative consultant, conscious leader, and exceptional mother. Off grip, our co-host had some explaining to do and Sis did just THAT! As someone navigating life after infidelity and divorce, Andrea offers us hope for NEW connections. In this noteworthy episode, W.E. talkin’ forgiveness, self-abandonment, childhood reckoning, compassion, & so much MORE! But why Eve rolled her eyes at the thought of co-parenting? That’s alright, focus! ‘Cause Sis, not only will you learn to trust again, but you’ll have a newfound awareness of how you connect with self, others, and God! Chile, W.E. got mail—sign up to have a dose of HOPE greet your inbox at WomanEvolve.com/connect! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy & Abide biblical meditations.

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tiny boundary. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Try. I want you to be honest, this is a safe space. Have you ever found yourself thinking, like, I just want something new? Like, I love my partner, I love my friends, I love my children, but I just a new connection, a new friendship, a new job. Even though having something new seems like it would completely upset your entire world, I get it. But sometimes the new happens anyway. It happens in the form of having new opportunities. And though that is amazing, I think that there's also something that I learned today that I think is

going to radically change your life. I learned that sometimes the old ways of doing things, the old ways of connecting people, have an opportunity to produce something new as well. So yeah, maybe you guys have been together for a long time. Maybe you've been girlfriends for a minute. Maybe you and your children have been on this path for a while. I wonder if the hope for something new can occur. By us just asking God help me to see the people who are already in my life in a new way. And if I'm able to see them in a new way, God also helped me to engage with them in a new way. There's so much work that goes into maintaining a healthy

connection if we are willing to ask ourselves every single day, like, Lord, what is my daily bread for this relationship, my daily bread for this friendship? And how can I allow it to produce a new healthier, more fun, more spontaneous version of who we are. Think a lot of times we miss out on new connections because we are so committed to staying the same. So my challenge for you as you're hoping for everything to be new around you to bring some more spice in your life is that you take a minute to consider the ways that you could experience change.

What are some new ways of being, some new ways of you connecting with yourself that could change your life? I have been doing a lot of new things that are actually old things. So I've been boxing again, which is new for me because I haven't done it in a while, but it's also old because I did it eight years ago. I have crocheted two blankets in the last four weeks because once again it feels new but it's also old. There's something that happens to our mind and our brains when we begin to take on new tests. Maybe it's time for you to learn that language. You didn't know she was bilingual, tryling, what is she we don't know. You know that scripture that I told you guys about in Mark where John has been arrested and Jesus is now saying

repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. In order for John to make space for Jesus, he had to be willing to see Jesus not just as his cousin, but as him stepping into his role, his predestined role as the Messiah. That new connection came from an old connection that underwent transformation. Our guest today, Andrea, is I'm going to call the girl an expert because she has learned to take the connections that were disrupted connections that experienced disappointment and still to find the hope in starting over. Her story is way too juicy for me to tell you at all in the introduction, but what I will say is this.

Her Instagram handle is the gift of infidelity and she knows this gift firsthand because she has unwrapped it and now presented it to us all. Let's get into it. How are you? Good, how are you? I'm doing great. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. Oh, thank you so much for having me, Pastor Sarah.

You got to explain your Instagram handle to me, because I don't understand it. I don't understand it. I don't. Usually, you know, the Women Evolved Podcast is not where we come to promote, like, you know, different businesses and handles its conversations between women, but you're going to have to explain this Instagram handle to me. That Instagram handle, she got says, the gift of infidelity, you've lost it. We didn't even know it was a gift. You're going to have to break this down for us.

Sure thing. I know. And I mean, I couldn't have said that four years ago, in 2018, when I was going through my ex-husband having an affair at the time when I was pregnant with our second daughter, but through it all, it really was a gift. And I really found kind of my authentic self through it all. And became the person I am today and there was many gifts along the way and and the healing that came from it and just the the outcome was far beyond anything and I and I couldn't have done it without becoming closer to God and my relationship with Jesus and and really finding

that so that's why I call it a gift. Okay, I definitely want to dig into that a little bit more. As you know, we're talking about hope at Womeningvolve all year long. One of the things that we're focusing on in January is like just hope for new, hope for new connections. And as I was praying about like, what do, what are the new things that we want to focus on in January? What are the new areas where we need to have hope? Connections came up and I think that it's so important

to talk about having hope for new connections because a lot of times we have fear of new connections where afraid will be disappointed. We are afraid someone will let us down, where afraid that someone won't get us. How did you experience this disruption and such an important connection and still find the path to hope after it all? Yeah, that's a great point.

There was definitely fear right from the get go. Like, I'll never trust anybody again. Like I'd rather I wanted to stay together. Like I just thought, how could I ever trust again through that? And I'll never get married again. And then through the process of, you know, with therapy and doing my own work of healing, and I just found that as I learned to trust myself more, I was then able to bring that trust into new relationships. Like even within fidelity, you lose trust in everyone, friendships, parents, people that are close to you.

But I think it produced a whole new avenue for connections in all those areas. So with my mom and dad, with my children, with friends, and now new potential partners. And there's like an excitement and a hope to be married again. So I think definitely there's like a grieving process when a connection that deep is broken, but then through going through reading and getting closer to God and through therapy and healing those wounds, it's like you're able to access that hope and the closeness with God that allows that I think.

Okay, so I have never heard someone say that when you lose trust and espouse, that it can also affect other relationships and your ability to have trust in those. I think most of us would think I lost trust in my partner, but that doesn't have anything to do with my friends, my siblings, my parents. But you said that and I'm struck by it, can you explain that more? Sure. Yeah, I didn't understand that either.

And I think that one of the books I was reading, living and loving after betrayal, this doctor was breaking down. The disruption is actually within yourself. And sorry, excuse me, the self-trust that is broken within you. So it's like you're lost with like what is up and what is down. And so when you build that self-trust within you, you're then able to connect and develop that safe trust

with others again. So how do I describe it in another way? Everything you thought you knew is kind of disorientated after that. So how do I describe it in another way? Everything you thought you knew is kind of disorientated after that. So even with my parents, it's like, well, what was our relationship like? Like why would I always show up this way or why would you show up this way? And then it's like you question everything. And once you are more grounded within you and you build that own sense of self

and connection, you're able to have that with all your relationships. Okay, so now I feel like you're taking me even deeper and I want to go. So I'm going to call it in my breath. Here we go. We're diving in. Self-trust is broken. That feels like a podcast unto itself, but I don't think it's possible to talk about hope for new connections without acknowledging that we have to have hope in our ability to make quality connections, hope in our ability to have new experiences and that comes down to trusting not necessarily other people, but being able to trust ourselves to trust ourselves to make decisions, to trust ourselves, to make the appropriate choices.

How, like, I need to understand what is self-trust and like, how is it formed? Yeah. Yeah, so I think it's getting to know yourself. It's about recognizing you're taking accountability for your life so that another person's actions aren't what's making you feel those emotions. Those emotions are coming from within you. And so when you're able to connect to those emotions, you can view it as an experience happening. I think self-trust is also by cultivating your own worth. So not getting validation from outside sources,

but building that within yourself. So speaking, how do you speak to yourself? I think it's a whole overall assessment of like, how do I actually connect myself? Do I spend time alone? Like, what do you speak to yourself? I think it's a whole overall assessment of like, how do I actually connect myself? Do I spend time alone? Like, what do I like? Like I found myself even going through like, I don't even know what, like, clothes I would pick out now or like, I don't even understand what my hopes and dreams are now because

it all kind of fell away. So I think that the self-trust comes from building your own self-worth, cultivating your own self-fellowsation, and spending time alone with yourself to kind of get to know yourself. And I think part of it was I couldn't actually feel a lot of emotions. I was dissociated from a childhood trauma, so I didn't connect well with who I was. Like I thought I did, but subconsciously, that interconnection, it wasn't there because it was broken early on. I was just going to ask you is there a connection between self-trust and our nuclear family or the nuclear origin of our younger selves and if that is not formulated

properly do we even have the well I know we all have the ability to then develop self-trust, but is there some inner work that we have to experience or some childhood reckoning that we need to acknowledge before we can really begin to build self-trust? I think so, and I think that's why in therapy, there are lots of therapists focused on like cultivating that relationship with your inner child. Because I think we all had parents that were trying to do their best, but when you're young and you're not getting what you need or you're self-abandoning to stay safe and be connected

to your nuclear family, you become just disconnected to who you are. And so I think that developing like a self identity starts at a really young age. And if it's also not modeled to by a parent, say like a parent for my example, maybe was emotionally unavailable because of anxiety, I never really got to see. Like I was always looking to like outside sources to say,

who am I? I had a poster with my name on it, Andrea. And it's like, she warms the world, her smile like the sun, caring for all this kindhearted, womanly one. And I was like, is that who I am? So it was really, and I mean, I grew up Catholic and I always believed in God,

but I never had this closeness and relationship to also develop that self identity with God too. Okay, so that's an interesting thing that you bring up because I was just thinking like, where does faith fit into this conversation? I think a lot of people take issue with forms of faith that are very self-centered, and it's like faith needs to be focused on God

and your relationship with God and you as a pastor. That's what you need to be talking about. And I believe that part of what I am called to do is to help us understand ourselves in relationship with God so that we can become more open and ultimately obedient to God's vision, to trust God's vision for our lives. I'm just wondering like at what point do we begin to, I don't know, I don't

know how to ask what I'm asking, but I feel like it's a really great question. So if you just wait for, it's going to blow away. But I feel like I want to understand in the journey of regaining self trust and the journey of forgiveness. And this may be something where every journey is unique. I'm going to ask you specific to you. Do you think that you need it to acknowledge, know, and connect with yourself before venturing into connection with God? Yeah, because I think I don't know. I think for some people they like spiritually override sometimes and it's like, you know, I'm just going to go straight for God and ignore me. But like you have trauma and the trauma-ficture relationships and you have issues and like who you are showing up as

may not necessarily be the most powerful version of who God created. So if you are willing to take inventory within yourself, then maybe you can experience the breakthrough that you desire, but I want to know your take on it. Sure, yeah, that's super interesting. I think that it happened a bit simultaneously because I just discovered this through going through this experience where when I would develop myself, forthward, like grow and my connection to myself would grow with therapy and reading and doing this work. I was also growing close to God. So I saw it in like this symbiotic relationship where as I grew closer to God, I grew closer

to the connection within myself. But I think both of those things had to happen where I was like learning, developing, and diving deep in therapy, and also the faith aspect of learning, developing, and diving deep in therapy, and also the faith aspect of learning, developing, and diving deep in faith, and like doing devotional and prayer, spending time meditation or with God. So I noticed within me, it was that they were playing off each other. And I think I had this sense of self-hatred that came from this childhood trauma, which blocked a lot of my connection to God.

I would say. Yeah. And I felt when that started to grow and like heal, then I was closer and I felt that connection. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. What I know for sure is working with the right therapist can help you find your most authentic self. I've been in therapy for some time now and after doing the inner work, I'm feeling like the highest version of myself these days. Therapy is an effective way to set boundaries,

manage stress, address trauma, and practice self-compassion. If you're considering therapy, I invite you to give BetterHelp a try. It's convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. After filling out a brief questionnaire, BetterHelp will match you to a licensed therapist who fits your needs and preferences. Did I mention you get to choose your method of communication? Talk to your therapist however you feel comfortable. That's text, chat, phone, or video.

It's the flexibility for me. If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can help you get there. Visit betterhelp.com slash evolve today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp dot com slash evolve. That's so interesting, because it is hard to trust everything that everyone says about God. If you don't believe that you're worthy,

if you don't believe that it applies to you, if you don't believe that there's anything redeemable or loving or fearfully and wonderfully made about you. If you don't believe that there's anything redeemable or loving or fearfully and wonderfully made about you. If your thoughts are I messed up, all I ever will do is mess up. I'm damaged, good, no one will want me. Then you can quote as many scriptures as you want to, but it's not really gonna take root in your life

because you don't have a healthy view of yourself. So no matter what God says about you or anyone else says about you, if you don't believe it for yourself, then you cannot experience the power, the peace, the restoration that I think is available to us all. I'm really intrigued by this because I will tell you this, I grew up in church.

And I knew where he lived, but we wouldn't like that. You know? I know. I agree. That's what I know. You know, like, He's far away. He's far away. He's far away.

Like, he's far away. He's far away. Everyone else. Like, he's my uber, he's like uber black and my budgey is like uber carpool. And I think the more that I feel like my, I think that, I think there's a couple of things. I think that I got hungry. And I think the more that I got hungry

for something deeper and more meaningful and less shakeable, the more curious I became about God. But I do believe this, the more that I became curious about God, the more God showed me myself. And the more that God showed me myself, I dug deeper into God because I wanted to know more about what God could see that I couldn't see. And I think that that showed up in gifts and talents that I didn't know existed, but also in pain and trauma

and patterns that weren't healthy for me. And so I think that if your relationship with God is exclusively about who God is and never about who you are in God and who you are before God and who you are without God, then you could run the risk of becoming religious when we're called to be transformational. Yeah, that is so perfect. I totally agree. Yeah, so that symbiotic relationship that you tapped into, you have this infidelity, you start doing this work. Tell me about what God begins to show you about yourself,

about your marriage, about your childhood, that then somehow turns into something hopeful. Sure. So it definitely started off feeling a lot of despair. So I was feeling really, like I said, disorientated. And I really was questioning who I really was. And so I was like, who's my husband? Like, how did I end up in a relationship with someone?

Like, he is someone I'd never think would do this. And so into therapy started to recognize with like attachment theory. It was an unconscious marriage. So basically, like, partnering with someone to heal your core wound. So like, say from childhood, you have a core wound of abandonment of being not worthy, not good enough. It's like you're trying to heal that. So for me, with my relationship with my mom, like I was mentioning emotional unavailability because of anxiety. Like her brother had died when she was a teenager

and that was never dealt with. And so she could only show up for me. So I was always, it's like him and my mom were like parallel. I was trying to heal that relationship with my mom by choosing someone who in the end, unconsciously I didn't know, would potentially betray me or had the capacity to betray. So I think that showed up and showed me,

okay, what was our marriage based on? Like there wasn't a good foundation from the get-go is based on attachment and not a secure attachment. And then again, with my kids, it was like such a gift to see, okay, now I can get into the work of myself, so I don't become an emotionally apparent, emotionally available parent for my children,

and that I can model like what it is to self-regulate my emotions and to talk to them about attachment theory and doing this work of healing so that when they're old enough to and want to get married that they understand that. And then with my family system, like my mom and dad and my two sisters, it really shone the light for everyone to say, okay, well, things that happen in the childhood really do affect the partners we choose. Even our career paths or our wants and our desires. If you have that abandonment or the low self worth, I'm not good enough, you're going to maybe strive to prove for people please.

And so you're really in that scheme of things not being connected to yourself and then that's going to affect all those connections. So I think those were the ways that I uncovered okay how was this marriage built and then with my children how was I raising my children and with my parents too. So were your parents receptive because like you know I don't know about your parents, but in certain communities, you don't just tell your parents the things that they didn't do well. And not without them being like,

girl, I did the best that I could, and you hear Aynchee, you know what I mean? I don't know if they do that or you're from. It's tough. No, they do do that. I think my dad is more open and receptive. My mom is still as a struggle. And I do it in the most compassionate way and gentle,

but I mean, she's gonna listen to this podcast and be like, what? I wasn't emotionally unavailable, so I'm a bit worried about that. But yeah, so I talked to her and we talk about, this is what I learned therapy, mom. This is what I learned, because of your loss when you were young and not dealing with that and how affects us and being my sisters growing up and the childhood trauma that I had besides that.

And so it is tough. It's a fine balance and it isn't easy. And it takes a lot of courage because to say, like, you know, mom, how you're speaking to me is a bit critical. And that's affecting how I'm responding to you. Like, I want closeness, but I'm putting up, like, anger because I feel like you're criticizing me. So to have those tough conversations, it is hard. And I think it's a fine balance. But I think through that, you will get a better connection. You will get more closeness.

Well, Andrew is mom since you're listening. Hey girl, listen. Thank you. Thank you. Hey girl. Hey girl. I have done a lot of this work myself, not just as a child, but as a mom who had her son at 14.

And I think that it would be foolish for me to believe that just because I was doing the best that I could meant that he had the best experience possible. The best that you can do and the best that is possible may be two different things. And I've had to do a lot of work as he's 20 now and on his own journey and doing therapy and learning things to make space for my legitimate truth,

which is I did the best that I could, and his legitimate truth, which is that in some instances he needed more, there were some moments where I did okay, you know what I mean? Like in the other moments where I killed it, and then there were some moments where he probably was like, I feel like a motherless child, and I have to acknowledge his experience

while also holding on to the truth and the peace that with what I had, with what I could work with, I did the best that I could. And I think a lot of times when we're navigating reconnecting and having new connections with friends and family and parents, especially as we're getting older, that a lot of it, if it doesn't have grace in it, if it doesn't have room for you to do it with compassion,

if it's only about judgment, if it's only about criticism, if it's only about your pride protecting yourself, then you're gonna miss out on an opportunity to ultimately go deeper. I had my mom like apologized to me in the middle of what was supposed to be, just like a regular conversation for things that happened in my childhood and I literally burst into tears

like a five year old little girl because there is power and acknowledging not in defending, not in justifying, but in simply acknowledging someone else's experience and saying, how can we walk together from here? And that's the hard work of parenting that we're all gonna have to do if we choose to have children, or should do, if we choose to have children. Yeah, I agree.

It is really powerful in like having someone there that's listening and not listening to give advice, but like you're saying like listening to to acknowledge your experience and say, that was really true for you and really hard. And I think that's, like you're saying with parenting, just learning that for myself now, and then we work on it with their dad and their step mom

and we're all kind of do with therapy. We have a therapist for our child, so we can navigate this experience together and we're on Zoom. It's like, we're all kind of sharing that in that space too. So it's really interesting how that played out for how we're co-parenting together as well, which is really a blessing. Yeah, because you are co-parenting with the woman who your husband had the affair with. Correct.

Did that, like, were you healed? And then they decided to get married. And then you went, like, like, snapped. And then you came back to healing. Or did you stay on the healing path? Because, like, you know, like, yeah. I know you hold it together, but girl, like, you talking to me, like, we need to be this rough.

So, yeah. No, it was hard. I remember writing in my journal, like, I hate them and I'm never gonna let them, like it was in like, with some swears in there, but I'm never gonna let them be around the kids. Like, I'm never gonna want her to be in their life. Like, how could they see this and be like,

this is okay to do? Like, I would never want my children, my girls, to do this to anyone and cause this pain. So initially, I had to get the rage and the anger out and feel it, and that's what the therapy was so helpful for, and the journaling, and screaming into a pillow, and just access an anger and releasing it. So, even like I was about a year and a half after. So I put into our like separation agreement like no new partners And involved in the children's lives until you've been seeing them for six months so that for myself and my ex-husband So he signed and agreed with our divorce agreement

Thankfully, and we got that advice from our child therapist so I mean both people were on board and About a year and a half later so I never to, like, I had a lot of good boundaries, and then it became, when I felt more whole and secure, I could then change my boundaries and become more flexible. So, you know, began to face time with her because the girls started to share and tell me how much they liked her and loved her.

And they were getting... They were getting... I'm tired, that wasn't me. I know, I know. I know. It's hard, it's so hard, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And so you know, it's like, okay, well, the more I felt, all connected and secure within myself, the less judgment there was, the less anger there was. And I remember I was doing this talk for the gift of infidelity, it was like a year and

a half after and And um, he had they had been together and then not together so kind of off and on and I just kept praying like anyone but her anyone But her because I just thought I could co-parent with him But I I couldn't co-parent with her too. I'm just be reminded of this trauma every day and then God said to me Andrea Who are you to judge her? You are no better than her. And I was like, what? It's just so hard. It was so hard to take that in. But actually, I felt it true in my body. Like, I was like, you're right. Like, I'm not, I'm not one to judge her. Like, maybe God will judge her or he's going to try to transform

that scenario. But it's like, who am I? I'm just human. Like, we all make mistakes. It's like, they made bad choices, but they're not a bad person. Like, separating shame from the guilt, you know? It's like, you're not a bad person, but you've made a bad choice. Well, in my opinion. So I think after that, it was kind of just a little bit, a little bit more letting in, and this she could come pick up the kids with their dad,

and then we would say hello, and then it turned into, you know, seeing each other at the kids soccer games and talking, and I just started to feel like she's just like me. She's actually really nice, like, not letting outside influences, influence what I thought about her, like giving someone, you know,

seeing them in a new light, and not taking the past forward. Okay, so this is first of all, just in case, Andrew is out, like, what do we call it? I don't want to call your, your, your, your stepmom, but I guess your co-parenting partner doesn't get you're listening to, like, grow down my meat. I'm just out here just being me because at the end of the day what Andrea said is so true. I think that our greatest power is not in saying how different we are from

someone but doing the work of really figuring out like how am I like them? Like how can we relate and how can we connect? And I've definitely I've been on both sides of this coin. I've been the one who was hurt. I've been the one who was a part of the betrayal. So my commentary is not a judgment. It's just my initial e-reactions that God is still working through. I just wanted to say that.

But I think that what you said is so, it's worth writing down if you're listening because when you said that as you healed and became more whole, that your boundaries changed, I think that that is so valuable to people who are wondering like, I wanna start this journey of healing, but in order for me to do it, I'm gonna have to cut everyone off and shut everything down.

And I don't wanna live like that forever, but I think there is peace and understanding that as you become more healthy, as you are able to verbalize what it is you're experiencing and feeling, that your boundaries can change, but this version of who you are in order to become whole, you're going to need to create some boundaries

that may change later on. I think that was beautiful, so I wrote that down, but I think there's something else you said, and I just want your feedback on all of it, but there's something else that you are making me realize. When I first prayed and ex-got about this thing, this hope for new connections, I really thought it was gonna be like new job opportunities,

new friendships, new, new, new people, but I think what you have revealed to me is that new connections happen in old relationships. New connections can happen in old experiences, if we're willing to grow, forgive, and give space for someone else to do the same. And so sometimes we're looking for a new friend, sometimes we're looking for a new partner's,

new spouses, new parents. Some of us literally like, listen, I'm gonna throw you away and find somebody new on Amazon. But like, the truth is that maybe the people we have in our lives are enough, they're just in the wrong category. And if we are willing to experience the rejection, the hurt, the absence of who we knew,

then maybe we can experience them in a way that is healthier for them, healthier for us, and leave space for someone who can fill that void in a way that creates love where they once created pain. So like you teach me, girl. Like, wow, you can. No, I think that's so good. And I think it's always a journey.

It's never complete. Like I catch myself often, you know, still feeling, some jealousy come up or feeling left out like if they're on a family trip. But then it's like recognizing, you know, it's not that those things aren't available to me. Like I'll be able to take the girls on a family trip. I can go do those things on my own.

I used to feel like replaced or left out, you know? And then I was like, you know, how could I ever be replaced? Like, I'm unique and I am me and I will always be here and be the girls mom. And yeah, I think too, like, there were a lot of relationships and connections that fell away of, you know, family friends or couples we used to get together with and our kids altogether. And for a while, I really did have to, like, close my circle and not have that because it was painful.

And then, you know, developing new connections with those old friends, like you said, or finding new people from going through all this experience was also really great. So I think that can be both and there's value in both. Yeah. You I'm afraid tonight and it's be like Lord more like her like more like Jesus and more like her because I do say that there's there's just an openness that I think that we have to have if we're going to survive life. Yeah.

And I can remember, I don't know how I ended up coming to this base where I just decided to forgive. I guess it was just surrender. And maybe it was very similar to what you experienced. But I can remember going through an infidelity and not wanting to let go of the rage. Because the rage felt like protection. And I didn't want to be vulnerable again.

So if I could say angry, if I could stay upset, then I could keep this from happening again. And I wish I'll have to take some time to process and figure out my steps. But I think at the end of the day, that the surrendering of the rage, the trust that God can protect you, the trust that you are

resilient enough to show up in life, are all the recipes that we need in order to be open again to receive the kind of love that we have believed in, to believe the kind of love that we feel like we're called to. And that's a process. But I can definitely tell that this is like not something that you are just talking about. This is something you're walking out. And I think that's beautiful. Oh, thank you so much. Okay. I have to ask you. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, no. I was just going to say I agree with the process of forgiveness. Like I was trying to make it happen for so long. And finally I just kind of gave up. I said, God, I can't

do this on my own. Like I need you. So just like I would pray for them every night and pray for forgiveness for them. And you know, and then one day, like it wasn't just one day after, you know, a couple of years or however long it took, it was there. And I was like, I feel like this lightness. I feel open. I feel love towards them. So it's, it doesn't happen quick, but if you ask, it will happen with God's help. Yeah. When you mentioned that, that's exactly what happened. I was in the middle of an infidelity in my previous relationship. And there was a woman who was expecting a child by him, and I was mad like I was turning into a lifetime movie. And for some reason, I started hearing,

like pray for her, pray for the baby, pray for happiness and health, and start buying baby clothes. And I would buy baby clothes with like tear streaming down my face. Like, I never thought that I would be this kind of woman. And I did it anyway. And in the process of doing that, I really felt like that God started

to reveal Himself to me and to bring peace into my heart. That's amazing. That's a miracle. I say those kind of things are miracles, you know? Okay, Andrea, I have to ask you a question. Before we get to the advice question, I need to know who is the most influential woman who has shaped your life.

And by influential, I mean influential to you, not necessarily someone who has to have a platform. Oh yeah, I would say my grandma. Her name is Grace. Yeah, and that's the one of the middle names of our oldest daughter. Yeah, I she just had this softness. I mean, she lost her son, like I was mentioning my mom's brother, when he was, I think he was 17 on a farm accident, and she had, she had really good relationship with God. Like I said, we grew up Catholic and I would see her watch her pray the rosary and I couldn't remember her hands and like at whole holding that rosary and she had this like glisten in her eyes and she was always so excited to see us like when we came into the door

It was like she clapped and she was like grabbing us and hugging us and There was like warmth and so I feel that was probably the most influential woman my grandma and And just watching her like on the farm when we were go visit and how she would just be so generous and cook for all the people that were working that day and then cook all of me. I was like a breakfast and lunch and dinner and then just be always excited for us to be there and to be craft with us and take us swimming and build forth. And I think there is just as always this warmth and loving nature, even through grief and loss that she presented and showed.

And so I think she showed how to be strong with softness. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense, because I feel like I'm experiencing grandma grace through you as you're sharing your story and your resiliency. OK, so because we know that grandma grace is listening, I am wondering what is one thing that you hope she knows about her life? Oh, I hope she knows about her life? Oh, I hope she knows how impactful it was,

like even if she was staying at home with the kids or like taking care of the farm and the home, and then she became a teacher and she was working that way, but just that it wasn't all for nothing. Like some, I think some people might think if they're just taking care of children or grandchildren or family members that it's not impactful, but when we would come and how present

she was, was so important to me and made such an impact. So I'd want her to know that and just, yeah, remembering her through all the stories she told me and how she really did like show her name. She was an example of Grace, which was really cool, that that was her name. So yeah, I want her to know how impactful she was in my life and my sister's lives. I always think about her and I talk to her a lot. So yeah. That's great.

Thank you for sharing that. I'm collecting all of these moments from women who have been shaped by incredible women. Are you restless during the day due to trouble sleeping a night? Girl, I've been there. Done that and found a solution peaceful bedtime Bible stories. Now delegation, hear me out, abide is the number one Christian meditation app guiding hundreds of thousands of people around the world in biblical truth and personal reflection. I use abide as part of my nighttime routine. After long

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25% off your first year when you sign up for the premium subscription but only if you text my promo code evolve to 22433. Don't wait. Download a bide sleep and pray meditation today and text my promo code evolve to 22433 today to get 25% off. We have an advice question. We're going to dive into it. It says, hi, SDR. I hope my question reaches you.

Your podcast, sermons, and books are beyond amazing. I wanted to ask your advice and direction on where I am in my life right now. I have always been a people pleaser, always wanting to help others and be there for others. Today I don't have the same people in my corner. I don't even have the same friendships. I have to learn to put people in the right places in my life. I learned that I have pushed everyone away with my manipulation and control of wanting others to be more understanding of my situations. I read a lot, journal a lot, and check in with God first. I'm learning to be within myself.

One of your sermons said to be a sister to yourself. I'm learning to do that. What would you say is the best way to get rid of the lonely and empty feeling of not having anyone? Yeah. That's hard. Loneliness always shows up. I think that she kind of answered part of it where she said she's learning to connect with herself and be by herself. I think that developing self-compassion is maybe helpful to then connect more and giving

herself grace and being gentle and knowing that you're never really alone. Like you'll always have the presence of God, like when you reach out for it. And I found like lots when I, lots of times when I felt lonely or alone, like in an empty house when the kids were at their dads or away from me that it was uncomfortable at first, but the more I did it, the more I felt I really enjoyed that quality time by myself. So I think all the things she was doing, like reading, learning, and recognizing those kind of self-sabotaging behaviors, I think that she'll start to notice that she will connect to people differently.

And when you don't show up with those, you know, habitual behaviors of manipulating or people pleasing, I don't know if that's really good advice. I'm trying to. Some of it up, but it's hard. Like loneliness is hard and I don't think you can get that from someone else. I think that you do have to cultivate

the connection within yourself. And I do think that is spending more time with God and because like I was saying at the very beginning, it was like this symbiotic relationship. No, I think that was great advice. I do think at the end of the day that being able to be at one with yourself is so important. I think also that really understanding the difference between loneliness and being alone

is a really powerful exploration, because you can be lonely in a room full of people. But alone is when you're literally by yourself. And in those moments when you are literally by yourself, there are ways that you can experience in a fulfilling time while being alone, but loneliness, I think, happens when you have moved into such a stage, which it sounds like you've moved into where you are no longer trying to control people's connection with you.

And when you're no longer trying to control people's connection, it's And when you're no longer trying to control people's connection, it's hard to receive what they do offer. I want to say this the way I'm like marinating it in my head. But at the end of the day, when we come to a place where we are no longer going to manipulate people's reception of us, we're no longer going to try and paint this picture so that they can receive a certain version of ourselves.

It can feel very lonely because you're not sure whether or not they will accept you, you're not sure whether or not you're good enough to be in certain social circles. Your alone time will help you come to a place of peace and love and confidence that you don't have to get validation from other people. That way when you are with people you can just enjoy them without trying to control them And you can walk away from social experience experiences feeling like man I had a good time. I enjoyed their laughter. I enjoyed their personality because I don't need to control them to make them stay with me and be with me forever I can receive the presence of who they are and move on and allow my cup to be filled.

A lot of times we want one person to fill our cup up to the brim, to fill that social part of our cup up to the brim when in reality, there may be several people who just come and add a drop and add a drop and add a drop and you look out over time and you're like, wow, I am not lonely. I just have different people who fill me in different ways. And I also know how to be by myself and experience contentment in that as well. So I think between both of our answers,

you probably one step closer to not being lonely. Just mix them all up in there again and take what you need. What do you think? Oh yeah, no, you're so definitely better than mine. I like that. I liked that. I liked the part about not having an expectation or like you're just your authentic self is

able to come out and you're just enjoying that you're not astriving for something in return. It's like the that will happen naturally when you when you feeling you know centered inside yourself and just wanting to enjoy being around others and not expecting a certain reaction or expecting a certain connection. Yeah, it's hard. If you're constantly in your head

and you're like, was that stupid? Did that make any sense? You're constantly wondering how people are thinking about you. That is a form of manipulating the experience instead of just enjoying it. Sound dumb, like say things that don't make sense. Laugh your laugh because that is you having integrity to yourself.

And then your true people can find you. If they didn't get it, if they thought it was weird, those are not your people. That doesn't mean change, so you come off as less weird. It means continue to hang on to yourself and wait for the people who understand your quirky, weird sense of humor because your people, your tribe, they are out there and even if they aren't,

they are in here so hang on to you in the midst of it all. There it is. I like that. Andrea, we want to be like you when we grow up. That is our hope. Our hope for a new connection is being like you when we grow up. Oh, that means a lot. Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your love and your light with us. It's been an honor. So much. Yes, thank you again. Take care.

Bye. Bye. Bye. I already know that this episode just changed the game, Andrea. I'm grateful for your wisdom, your willingness to share it, and for grandmaw grace for paving the way. You really open our hearts and minds to life

ahead. Because of you, we can learn to trust again. That's a gift that gives us all hope. I'll see you next week where the Hope Tour continues. you