Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - New Age Parenting Styles w/ Destini Davis

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Delegation, what’s that ONE place adults made you “stay in” as a child? Yep, you guessed it—a child’s place. Our girl SJR is clearly in her feelings box, so W.E. got Certified Parent Coach, Destini Davis, on the line to help a sister out! Being a soft place to land for the young people in our lives should be given priority. But don’t get it twisted, they can STILL get these boundaries! Parents, TAP IN to receive some practical tools on how to rebuild trust, seek connection, resolve conflict, and lead with compassion. This episode will leave you not only parenting the child that’s in front of you, but also healing the inner child within you! This show is sponsored by BetterHelp and BetterSleep. Take advantage of both relaxation techniques this Mental Health Awareness Month!

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's their all things. All things, all things.

Child. Okay, so let me set the scene for you. I'm seven, maybe eight years old. I am in my parents' formal living room. They have this round couch that is a pulsared with some type of floral imprint on it. Behind this couch is this gold leopard standing in some type of position. As if it is on the prowl.

It was my favorite ladder when I was a kid. Time and time again, my parents will tell me, don't you step on that leopard? Don't you step on that leopard? Did that stop me? No, because I ain't no sucker. I'm going to keep pushing no matter what So time after time again, I would find myself riding on that leopard even though my parents told me to get off Until one day I am putated the leopard's paw. It wasn't on purpose

I guess maybe I had one too many chicken nuggets and I broke the paw off the leopard. Oh I'm in trouble now because they have told me over and over again to get off of it. The moment that they saw it was broken, they knew it was me and they came to my room, asking me the questions, what happened to the leopard? Why would you do it? We told you not to do it. And my response was the devil made me do it. Hear me out.

They're pastors. They know the Lord. They ought to be able to pray me through this. Not woof me do it. Hear me out. They're pastors. They know the Lord. They ought to be able to pray me through this. Not woof me through it instead. I knew that if I would have told them that I just did it because I felt like it and I didn't want to be obedient that I was going to get a weapon. So I tried a new angle. Let me tell you something.

The new angle didn't work. That is not always the answer because let me tell you something. That new angle got me the same old butt weapon. After I got that butt weapon, I looked myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face, sad music playing in the background and I said to myself, I am never going to whip my children. Now fast forward a few years later and my son is doing something God knows what I'm frustrated because I have told him time and time again do not do it don't touch it you can't have it blah blah blah and you know what I did when he took one step too far I popped that tail now let me tell you something there's statue limitations on weapons so I don't think I just admitted

to a crime but what I did admit to is that my heart changed, but not my strategies. Isn't that what happens to so many of us? We can have a heart change that says, I'm never going to whip my children. I'm never going to do this. I'm never going to do that. But unless our mind changes, we cannot produce a new strategy that will help what happened in our heart to show up in our lives. I guess that's why Paul wrote in Romans 12 1 and 2 to not be in the world but to be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. That means that your transformation is only as powerful as what takes place in your mind. This scripture gives us so much insight into the possibilities that exist as it relates

to transformation. Yes, God wants to touch your heart. Yes, God wants to see you be made new. But if it doesn't start in your mind, then it may not show up in your life. This must be what happened to Destiny Davis when she came to a place in her life when she realized that the strategies that she was employing as a parent needed to change. She felt it in her heart, but it wasn't until she got the tools, the language, and the resources that allowed it

to show up in her life, that everything began to change. Today I'm talking to Destiny Davis. She is a certified parent coach. She teaches with empathy and empowers parents to shift the culture of their homes to more intention, grace, and presence. I wanted to talk to her coming off of the heels of Mother's Day because I believe so many of us are trying to make sure that we do not traumatize our children in a way that we were traumatized, that we teach them to advocate for themselves,

to use their voice and to be empowered, to be a person, not just a little robot that shows up in our world. The only problem with that is that it also bumps up against this idea of, don't talk back, get somewhere and sit down, be seen and not heard. Destiny is going to help me and you employ new strategies so that we can have hope for our children that we maybe did not possess for ourselves.

Now let me tell you something, you may be listening to this and think to yourself, miss me with all of that, Mr. Spoon, Mr. Belt, Mr. Hand, is always going to be on standby. I don't care how you feel. I care what needs to be done. And I get that. I think all of us benefit when we hear perspectives that are different from our own. So whether you're ready to make a change

or you're just getting started on this journey, I encourage you to take key to some of the tips that are shared today. It may be something that you add to the ingredients of what you're already doing or maybe it creates a complete overhaul. Regardless of what it is, Destiny Davis has shown myself and many others that it is not as difficult to get started as we may believe. Whether you're just getting started or your decades into this parenting journey,

let's sit down and expand our perspective on what's possible for us as we take on the new strategies that help our children become all that they can be. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm well.

How are you? I'm doing excellent. You're my favorite person. Goals. I have lots of questions for you on today. On this day? You're going to answer some questions for me. I'm here for you. You're having a good day? I'm having an incredible day. Tuesdays are my favorite.

I'll wait. Why? Because I usually don't do anything. Two days are my favorite. I'll wait why? I'll wait a week. Because I usually don't do anything. I'll usually kind of just do nothing. Yeah, so I'm just like, Thursdays are my favorite day of the week, because I usually take Fridays down. And so I know that once I get through Thursday, that when I get the girls up on Friday,

that my day's going to be clear. And I will have to do nothing for a very long time. You know, I'm the same way on Thursdays because my girls leave on Friday, so I'm like, I want Friday to be the best day. So I don't do nothing on Thursday. So I can give you the best version of me Friday. Right. And then I'll see you later.

Okay, Destiny, gentle parenting. Let me tell you about it. I don't know if I'm doing a good job or if I have just given up and they are whooping me because there are some days where I feel like I think this is gentle parenting but I also feel like they're running all over me and I don't know how to tell the difference but when I need help I go to your TikTok page and I am inspired you know the girls are they're talking back they're expressing themselves

are doing all of the things that would have got me to up from the flow up But you have inspired me to to give them freedom So tell me like how did this journey were you gentle parenting or not so much? Girl Absolutely not not even close. No, I was not gentle parenting I got spank ins I heard all the spoil arrives, I heard all the, I'm doing this because I love you. But even beyond just that,

I think that I was not consciously-parented. What I mean by that is that I don't think my parents really genuinely were parenting the child that was in front of them. They were kind of parenting this idea of what a child should be. And on the other side of that, I don't think they were conscious of their triggers and the ways that they needed to heal.

So, yeah, no, absolutely not. It was not just a pretty, it was beautiful. So there, but it was possible. Yes, me too. Love on the death, all of that. But, you know, I think that for me growing up and I think for most black children that I know growing up, I won't make

my experience, everyone's experience that a child was meant to stay in a child's place, which was generally out of the way, quiet, compliant, and not taking up any space or making noise. And I think that we were rewarded for that behavior. The only thing is I think it also

stifled our ability to then express ourselves, have an open communication and relationship with ourselves, our parents, other people, and so trying to create that space for my children has been my heart's desire. But it's also been one that's a little bit challenging because I have a reflex and ancestral reflex that comes up when there's a talking back, when there's a why, when there's a weight let me finish. And I find myself at war between the parent I want to be and the parent that I have experienced. And I just I want to

know how do you deal with the the complex nature of you doing something different for your children that you did not experience yourself? Well, I have a preteen. So we're in the thick of it with the spice and attitude and the talking bag. It's not my default to be gentle. I was not a gentle child. It's not my default. And so for me personally, these gentle parenting tools are more of conflict resolution, right?

So I'm probably gonna lead with who you talk it to. I'm probably gonna lead with that. But the resistance comes and I think that resistance is a reminder to me like, okay, let me go in my tool belt. Let me try to redirect her. Let me get more conscious and see why we're having a conflict. But the Mary Poppins voice is not what I lead with. I typically don't lead with that, but I think that when we're meeting a point of conflict and it's not working, it doesn't feel good. It's good to have those tools,

but I don't want anybody to think that just because that's not your default, like repair is what matters most. What we do after those moments is what teaches our kids how to take accountability, how to resolve conflicts. You can't resolve conflicts, ain't no conflicts. We get plenty practice every day. You had to tell me a little bit of like, how did you go from this not being your default

setting to it becoming the place that you strive to be, and then also inspire other people to pursue this place of conscious parenting and being present. Like how did you go, how did this happen? Did you see someone do it and you were like, I want more of that, how did you stumble into it? Well, when my mom, sorry, shift gears, but when my mom passed away, I always say that's

when I became a parent. So I had my daughter in 19, I became a parent when I was like 24. And so at that point in time, it was very permissive. Like you were talking about in the beginning, it was, I did not want a parent like my parents, but I didn't have any tools. And so she was walking all over me, one't obey a time, won't obey injuries, say whatever you want. And it got to a point where that was becoming too much for me

and where I was seeing her confidence start to go in the opposite direction because she didn't have a leader. And that's when I really started to look into conscious parenting. And I, Dr. Sheffali was the first person that introduced me to this, her work. And that was the shift for me where I was like,

I want to bring boundaries in. I see how in my childhood, I was parenting very firmly, but I also didn't have a lot of boundaries. I had way too much freedom. And then when I got into things because of my freedom, the response was very harsh. And to me, leadership is about compassion, but it is also about the boundaries and expectations,

those kind of things. So I wanted to make sure that I was transitioning from permissive, but that I kept the compassion while showing my daughter, I am the leader. You can trust me. I can handle this. And I wanted to increase that safety, because she had emotional safety.

Like I have her back a thousand percent, but when it came time to, okay, but is mom gonna make sure I get up for school? Or if I'm being rude to somebody, is that fine? Like she's just not gonna say anything, because she wants me to be happy, or she wants me to be her friend, or you know, she doesn't want to rock the boat.

That was a major, major transition for me and we, Lord, are still transits. I was gonna say, like, how do you, because someone's listening to this undoubtedly and they're like, girl is too late. Like, I have already knocked them upside their head. I have already let them do whatever and reintroducing a new style of parenting

when there's already been somewhat of a framework set by previous experience can be hard. But if someone is listening to this and they're like, I do want to try and repair some of the damage or maybe misguidance that I have allowed to happen in my children's lives. How do they begin that process? I think what's most important is rebuilding trust. A child is going to resist. They've almost built up an intolerance for that connection, whether you've been too firm or you've been too passive.

They can't trust you to be the leader or they can't trust you to have compassion for them. You have to rebuild that trust. And for us personally, trust, rebuilding trust, number one meant that I have to stick to my word. Like she has to see, okay, mommy is serious about this change. She sees the discipline in my life. And she sees that no matter what, we're still gonna get up, we're still gonna have to do,

we have to do, we're still gonna do school or whatever. But then the other side of that is really empathizing and connecting with your child enough that you, we know exactly what is gonna break the moment and it's gonna break them down and bring them in. Sometimes it's hard for us to do that. When my daughter is looking at me, it's like, I'm not doing this.

Like this is dumb, this is dumb. This is your fault. You shouldn't have homeschooled me. It's doing all of that. You should have homeschooled me. Now I have to do this. This isn't fair. I'm not gonna do it. And I'm like, I wanna lecture so bad.

But right now what she needs is just for me to hear her. And the minute I go put my hand on her back and give her a hug, all that just like fades. And all of our kids have that. And I think that I can't get caught up in trying to fix what has been, I have to get caught up in trying to fix what has been. I have to get caught up in, or I have to focus on repairing the trust, like I say, and keeping my word,

keeping the compassion, but at the same time, doing what I say that I'm gonna do. Did you expect for your TikTok to become like the home of all of us out here trying to struggle and conscious pain? And the people who, I'm sure you get lots of trolls who are like, this don't make no sense. Like did you expect when you started posting it

for dad to have the response that it's received? I did, only because my daughter is the one that told me to get on TikTok. She was like, mom, you're gonna get on TikTok, you're gonna be great, you're gonna be rich, and you can be famous. This is what she said to me in the day. We kinda sorta sent my guy liked the famous part.

We had all the other red part, but she manifested that and I was like, this is going to be a positive thing for black mothers and black daughters and black sons to be able to have a change in the connection with their parents. And I think that the reason that it's resonating so well is because I try not to come from a place of judgment.

It's not about getting it right. It's not about me having the right tools. I hope that if anything, the things that I say really inspire somebody to be like, you know what, I do have the answers and the better I take care of myself, the easier it is for me to find those answers inside of me. This show is sponsored by Better Sleep. A personalized sleep experience shown to improve our well-being in just one week. Sis, are you restless during the day due to trouble sleeping at night? Chow, I've been there, done there, and found a solution. The Better Sleep app. Sure, we

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Studies show that high quality rest is vital for our mental well-being and physical health. So what's the hold up? Since when you sleep better, you feel better. Improve your quality of life in as little as one week. Download better sleep from your App Store or Google Play. That's a better sleep on the App Store or Google Play. That's so good. What I love too is that you share openly about the fact that you're co-parenting while also conscious parenting. That's so good. What I love too is that you share openly about the fact that your co-parenting law is so conscious parenting, that's a whole different co-parenting situation.

Can you conscious parent with a co-parent that is unconscious, that is not doing the things that need to be done in order to foster the environment that you want for your children? I wish that I could say that it's an easy thing. It's not an easy thing. Number one, because that co-parent is probably going to bring out parts of you that don't

serve your child best. That's probably the biggest piece of it is when you're all riled up or you're upset about something and you just want so desperately for them to get it or to treat your child differently or whatever and it really does get in the way. So I will say that my finest moments co-parenting has been when I'm focusing on myself and on the things that I can control. I also have to recognize and acknowledge that the best defense that I can give my child is to boost her confidence in her self-esteem. And I don't have to bash the other person or anything like that. I just have to make her feel good about herself so that she knows as she gets older and can

process her experiences that whatever happens to her, whether it's from her parents or it's from a man or it's from her job, whatever does not mean something about who she is as much as who they are or the choices that they are making. So I try to book it. Oh, what's going on in my house? And have conversations with her about how she feels about experiences. Because we'll project, too.

They'll come home and time something. And we automatically like, oh, no they didn't. But sometimes our children experience things differently than we do. And I don't need to make something trauma that isn't trauma. And when she's feeling something, that's an opportunity for me to help her process it and increase her resilience or her empathy

for somebody else or her compassion for herself. So I tried to take an instruction, but I'm not gonna say it, maybe. Do you ever worry that like the other side is going to win? Because I think as a co-parent, you know, you can, you already understood the question like, I get tell them, like, you know, there's this stage when you're raising children, where you're pouring as much as you know to pour into them. And yet the reality is that there is another parent that's pouring or dripping something into them. And yet the reality is that there is another parent that's pouring

or dripping something into them as well. And those aren't always values that you agree with or morals that you espouse. And yet you're pouring it all into the child and hoping for the best. And for honest, there are moments where it feels like, you know, I don't know whether or not what I'm pouring is strong enough to overcome that negativity or those broken values that are being passed down from the other side of the family. And yet we continue to pour anyway in hopes that guys will make up the difference when it's all said and done and that the kid will come to a place where they're able to make

those sound wise decisions from a place of maturity. But what do you do in those moments where you're concerned that like it's in there, right? Like they get in this. Yeah. It comes down to acceptance and I learned a long time ago that my daughter is not here to complete my story. She's here to have her own story. And while I'm attached to the journey, if I attach myself to the outcome too much,

it's going to impact the way that I am showing up on the journey. So it is my hope and my prayer that, you know, all the magic that I'm doing over here, you know, is what quote unquote wins, but at the end of the day, my only desire is to be a soft place for her to land with whatever happens and to instill her as much as possible on my end. It definitely is a fear there and I do think about it, but I try not to let it overtake me because like I said, then it's going to start to impact. Because you know, we're anxious. We're panicking from fear.

Yeah. We get very helicopter, very controlling. And what that does is, yeah, it may look like things are going well, but it often creates co-dependency where it's like, you need me. And we see those adult relationships with parents, where is, I need you for every decision. We are not respecting each other's boundaries. And I don't want that.

I want her to be able to go off on her own and do her own thing. And I have to be okay with the fact that at some point, there is a possibility that quote unquote, her own thing may not have necessarily been the thing that I chose for her. And I just have to trust that. I love the idea of the outcome not being connected ultimately to your identity as a parent or whether or not the outcome is going to be like the ultimate report card on whether

you passed or failed the parenting test because I do think that successful children, it feels like successful children is the result of successful parenting. And if there is a child that's still struggling to find their way, then maybe the parent didn't show up that way or didn't show up in a way that was best suited for them. And yet the reality is I personally feel like everybody's doing the best that they can. Even if that best is not ideal, even if that best was abusive, I think that that was the best that a person had to offer at any given moment. And when we come to a place where we accept that this is the best that this person is capable of giving, then I think that there has to be a healthy

level of detachment so that we are not connecting our whole self-worth and self-value based on someone else's actions and journeys. But that's hard, especially as a parent, when it's like a direct reflection or feels like a direct reflection of what's taking place at home. Yeah, I mean, I'm on this stage, so to speak, so I'm very conscious of it. I'm like, Lord, we out in public, and if I'm your own over here cutting up, someone would be like, you know, tools are working, what's going on?

So I definitely feel that, and I think that if we let it, this is an opportunity for us to really check ourselves and be like, well, why does this even matter? Why am I putting myself worth? Like we say that was how you shouldn't put yourself worth on somebody else's side of you, why in the world will we put it in an autonomous small person?

You know what I'm saying? Like they just got here and I think that when I do that it's opportunity for me to check in and be like, oh this is like my trauma. Like me being embarrassed right now has nothing to do with her and I need to ease that and calm that and focus on that because when we don't do that, we really rob them of like the whole point of this journey. And it's really to find themselves and who they are. And I just don't want them to be carbon copies and I don't want them to be soldiers. I don't want them to make me happy.

It's just, it's not fair. And even though we do it all the time, I am honored to have kids that I have empowered to be able to show me in many ways when I am doing just that. Are you the only one that conscious parents in your circle or are you conscious parenting with a crew of conscious parents?

Oh no, I have a crew of conscious parents for sure. I do have people in my circle that don't conscious, I have a crew of conscious parents for sure. I do have people in my circle that don't conscious parent though. I definitely do. I'm wondering if they ever be like, girl, no, that's crazy. Like, do you or your kids are cutting up and maybe like, mm-hmm, need to whoop them. If you whoop them, that's straight and right on up.

And like, how do you incubate your belief system in environments that don't support it? Yeah, so I think that it's important for me personally, when somebody's in my life, you don't have to have the same values per se if we're gonna be friends, but you do have to respect my values when it comes to me. And definitely to my friends.

So I have, I mean to my kids. So I do have a friend and she'll like joke about like, you know, well, I would have did this girl. You gonna say that to your mama, but I have a very loving way of like, no, it's okay, I'ma handle it when we get home. And we just keep it moving. And we've done that enough times,

where it's like, we can just respect each other's boundaries on that. Now, somebody who's dead serious about it, we just wouldn't be friends, because I wouldn't want my kids to, I personally want my kids to see children be disciplined that way. Yeah. Okay, so I have a question for you. You're a certified parent coach and I need some parenting help.

So I'm about to put you to work. Okay. So my seven-year-old daughter seems to be an externalizer. So the moment she feels something, she doesn't hold it in like she's gonna have the outburst I'm like, it's gonna be some type of anger and now whenever I ask her to do things that she doesn't want to do She winds like Ellie you need to take a bath and like Ellie you need to be close like she winds Sometimes she only winds sometimes she's doing it, but she's winding but everything has a little bit

No, not a little bit a bit, a lot of whining and annoying and everything in me wants to like really turn into the ancestors and just be like girl, suck it up, girls stop making all that noise, girl, I'm gonna give you something to cry about. I bet you if I will be, you know what I mean? Like all of those things are in my spirit. I need tools.

So she's doing it in wine, first of all. She's still doing it. Sometimes she's doing it in wine. Sometimes she's like, hold on, wait, I need to tell you, I need to tell you, I'm like the whole, all of these things, but it's like for every single thing. Well, first of all, at seven, they do not have the executive functioning skills

to be able to hear a task and automatically do a task, get it done and not have some sort of complaint or whatever. So I think the first step really is just acknowledging this is normal. Sometimes we feel like because we didn't do stuff as kids because we didn't have the freedom to, there's something wrong with my key or they're testing me. Like no, they're just being kids. We just didn't have the freedom to. There's something wrong with my key, or they're testing me. Like no, they're just being kids.

We just didn't have freedom to be kids. Okay. Acknowledging that, that's the number one. I think that all parents, we just need like a little bit of developmental, brain development, education, go re-hole brainchild. You'd be, that's good right there. Okay.

Understanding, yes, so good. Understanding that that's developmentally appropriate for them to resist. Number one, number two, recognizing that their priorities are just different. And when I look at it from that, no, it's not that she doesn't want to do what I'm asking to do, is she trying to disrespect me when I'm saying go take a bath. Is that my priority is getting in the bed? Because I want to have me time and I want to wake up and have a good day. But a kid's my priority.

And that she's her job is to prioritize play. And so if you understand what their priority is, it takes us to either keep bumping our heads, going against each other's priorities, or maybe I can find a way to incorporate both of these in this moment. Now again, that's not always going to be the first instance, but when it comes to a point where now I'm getting frustrated, I see where the evening is going. Let me humble myself and just do what makes sense.

Or do whatever I got to do first. Maybe I, you know, maybe Bats time's going to start 10 minutes late because I need to go for it. Or I need to go sit down for a second. I need to take some deep breaths so that I can tap in and acknowledge everybody's priorities. Imagine being in a relationship where your priorities are always last.

A kiss priorities are always second to ours. You know what I'm saying all day long? That's why they so turned up at the end of the day. They've been prioritizing staying in the line, sitting that they did. They literally don't get to do what they want to do majority of the day. And so when we're coming up against resistance, I think in that moment, I would be like,

she's prioritizing play. I'm prioritizing bad. How can we do both of those things? We need to make getting into the bathtub a playful experience outside of that. When that's not working, that's when the boundaries come in. Okay, so my daughter in the mornings, she don't be wanting to get dressed, she's five, why would she want to get dressed? She want to play, she want to watch Bluey. So Bluey is paused until you put the pants on.

Great, the pants are on, now Bluey's playing. Okay, now Bluey's paused again, so you put the shirt on. Like, you're still getting to do what you want to do, but there's boundaries there. So I think acknowledging their development and where they are developmentally, giving them an opportunity to have their priorities be important. Excuse me. And then when all else fails, sometimes we do got a step in what a boundary like this. It's not a clock. I'm I'm not asking for the iPad anymore. I read like read. Don't hold on to tight, because it might hurt you when I cry.

You ain't gonna say I eat you. I don't have revenue. I don't think it's such a question. It does. It's challenging me to be more creative because I definitely would prefer some compliance. And I think part of really successfully meeting a child where they are and seeing a child, each child individually requires a level of just creativity.

And so I think to your point, I'm probably going to have to take a minute and reset instead of like coming home and putting on my mom hat so that I can show up from a space of abundance and creativity and compassion so that, that I'd be ready for her. I mean, like here you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every single day, and I also wanna say on the other side of that

because yes, a lot of it is creativity, but a lot of us are a little more permissive than we think. And children can't, children can get on a routine, right? But we have to be willing to be consistent with it. And sometimes we like, you know, sitting in the bathroom for 45 minutes and we should have started the nighttime routine an hour ago. You know what I'm saying?

So their rhythms are thrown off when we throw them off. My five year old is the most rambunctious, wild child in the world. And we were having a really hard time with bedtimes and her going to bed, getting in the bed. And I'm like, well, our nighttime routine, we have zero consistency there. Now she's in the bed. She goes to bed the same time there's zero resistance there.

And I think that the reason is because I said, okay, I'm trying to be creative every day to make up for the lack of discipline and the lack of structure that I've had. So sometimes it does require a saying, you know, yesterday I asked her to go to take a bath at six and we had connected and it was easy. Now I've been scrolling on Instagram and today is seven p.m. We haven't connected at all

and I'm trying to for sure to get into bath. So like, of course it's gonna be difficult. So I think it's just like Wiginsle parenting, there's two elements to it. It really is us meeting our kids where they are, but then also making sure that we are consistently showing up with leadership. Okay.

I love makeup for that with connection. You cannot. I love that you call parenting leadership though. I think that anyone who is in business or an entrepreneur understands just how important leadership is as a term when it comes to team building and creating a safe space for employees to innovate and create and feel like they can make mistakes and it sounds like something that works very well

when it's about meeting our P&L goals, but when it comes to our households, I think to really see it as an opportunity to express leadership in a new way is going to be really empowering for many people. So I'm going to, I'm definitely going to start thinking of it that way. I have a question for you. What would your mom say about the way that you conscious parent? Oh, man. I think she would be so proud of me. I really do. I think that she would be proud, not for the compassion piece because I told you we've been there. I was like, Lord, I want my kids

to know I love them. But for the way that I've been able to hold discipline and do them both in the same way, I think that my mom very much wishes that she had the freedom to because freedom and discipline are actually just opposite sides at the same coin. And I think that she wishes that she had the freedom to be able to lean into her feminine a little bit more so that she could really be present and more nurturing. And so I think that she would look at me and say, you're, you know, you're able to do both. And that's, that's a really beautiful thing. Mm-hmm. That's amazing.

I often think of, I don't think there's anything that has been more restorative for me as raising my daughters and also reminding, remembering maybe what it was like to be their age with the parents that I had and like understanding more about myself and understanding more about my parents. And so I wonder as you introduce a new way of parenting, what is it that you'll see through the eyes of your children at their age with the information that you have about brain development that has helped you to kind of resource some of your own childhood issues or traumas. What is it that I see or what I think that how things are going to be impacted? No, I'm just wondering like as you're raising your children, how has it impacted the way that you see your own life and your own childhood experiences?

Oh, man. It's given me so much grace. Number one for my parents, you kind of hinted on this earlier, which is that, you know, we do the best we can with the tools that we have. And so I have zero resentment for my childhood, because I think that they did an incredible job. They broke plenty of generational curses on their own, and I'm proud of them for that. So giving them grace, giving myself grace, when you learn about brain development,

you really are like, oh wow, like I'm not fine. That's what they do. You know what I'm saying? I turn out fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no This parenting journey has given me an opportunity to gentle parent myself and to increase my compassion for myself and to also increase the boundaries in my own life and the discipline in my own life. I, a thousand percent, am a better person because of my motherhood journey.

And when we allow our children to, they really can help us heal and restore and transform, but we have to be willing to not be the all-knowing sovereign beings in the house. And we have to be open to the fact that, you know, honestly, they are as close to God as you can get compared to us. You know what I'm saying? They are such divine little creatures, and they can allow us to learn and grow if we are open to checking ourselves. When they talk back if we're open to asking, well, why is this bothering

me so much? How am I consciously choosing to respond? And is what I'm teaching them actually honoring my own personal values or is it honoring my ego? Oh right now. That part. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I believe that journaling is a safe place for authentic self discovery. No wonder years ago when I created a blog, I began to learn new things about myself. Writing and connecting with women was life-changing for me. The experience was heavy yet, liberating. It opened me up to a world of opportunity. Getting to know our true selves takes time as we're constantly evolving. I've personally found therapy to be an effective tool for deepening the relationship I have with myself.

Therapy can benefit anyone. It unlocks authenticity and empowers individuals to be the best version of themselves. If you're interested in starting online therapy, choose BetterHelp. As the world's largest counseling service, it will deliver the quality of care you deserve. Simply fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist today. And yes, you can switch therapists at no additional charge in hopes of finding the right fit.

Since support is just a click away, discover your potential with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash evolve today to get 10% off your first month that's BetterHelpHELP.com slash Evolve. One of the takeaways that I'm going to take from our conversation is the idea of parenting as ministry because I do think that when you talk about them being the closest little creatures to God that there's this element of like so how can I serve who they are in the earth, what

they have the potential to become. And I think in many ways, even your platform itself is a form of ministry, right? Like not everything's a Bible and a sermon. I think that you're serving humanity with knowledge and compassion and empathy that we literally would not otherwise have. There is no way I would have heard about conscious parenting, gentle parenting if it weren't for social media. One thing I will say is that when I started going to therapy though, I very quickly began having this idea of a feelings box.

And I used to talk about it on this podcast like a long time ago. You need to go into your feelings box and figure out what you're feeling. I think part of this generation is like really tapping into what it means to be a whole person. And so I wondered are there any testimonies that stick out in your mind that is connected to the work that you have shared so freely and generously on social media that like keeps you in the game.

Because I don't know if you're like me. Every now and then, there's like a comment. There's a story that resonates with me. And I'm like, I guess I'll make another video. I guess I'll preach one more message. Like I was almost going through this whole thing away. But there's that one story that keeps me in the game. I want to hear what testimonies have stuck with you.

Oh man, oh. Yeah, that just, I have a practice where I like screenshot those kind of messages to come back to them when I'm feeling, you know, a little out of place in this journey. And so I have quite a few, but one of the ones I think that was super inspiring as we talk about how are they going to turn out and is it too late is I had did a class on repair and like genuine authentic accountability and apologizing to our kids and this older woman,

she had three kids and she was saying that she hadn't spoken to any of them in about a year and that she was able to have a conversation with them. And she said, for the first time, she felt like they were actually connecting and that she actually saw them. And she was like, I don't know if it's gonna change our relationship. And I don't know if it changes the way that they see me,

but I just wanna say thank you for changing the way that I see them. And I think that was so powerful to me because the little girl inside of me was like dang, like I see my parents differently now. And I just, I wish that when I was a kid, they had the opportunity to really, really see me so that I wouldn't be on this journey

of trying to figure out how to see myself. So I think the most powerful ones are not so much when the relationship changes, but when the parents view of themselves or view of their kids' changes, that's really, really powerful to me because I think that that is the foundation for repair, seeing the other person differently.

Who do you see yourself as now? Oh man, that's a good question. Yes, oh, that's beautiful. I see myself as someone who is deserving of self love is deserving of acceptance. I see myself as someone who's in the right space in the right place always. Every single time I used to very much, I got the bad kid narrative, but I was always like,

I'm still gonna put you in the room. Like, I know what they're saying, but I still gonna put you in the room and I always felt like I'm not supposed to be in this room because the bad kid, or I faked my way here and I used to make excuses for the ways that I got in certain circles or certain blessings and I used to make excuses for the ways that I got in certain circles or certain blessings.

And I think that now, I'm starting to be at a point where I'm like, no, this is, you're where you're supposed to be and you're walking in the purpose that you're supposed to be walking in. And that took a while, but I feel very much on purpose. And I feel like it's okay to be that girl. It's okay to have that girl. It's okay.

I'm not only there, but the more that I'm saying it, it's very difficult to pull away from those labels. And that's why I try my heart. It's not to label my kids because you do start to wear that label. So I can't necessarily say that I'm walking in that completely, but I am walking in the notion that I know I deserve those things. Okay. I can relate to that. It's ironic that the kid who was like the bad kid is now helping to translate children to their parents.

That's, yeah, that feels very serendipitous and on her. That's my hand. That's my hand. Come on. Yeah. Okay, so before we go, I have to ask you, who is the woman who has inspired your parenting skills and technique the most? Definitely Dr. Shafali. She's's just she actually coined the phrase conscious parenting. So I have to give that to her and my mama. Of course. And what do you hope that Dr. Sheffali knows about by teaching me that my daughters are their own entities and that they didn't come here to complete my story, that she has given them the opportunity

to write their own stories and I get to be a witness rather than completely responsible. And I'm just grateful for that one because it eases a lot of stress for sure. But then the other piece of that is that I get to walk alongside this journey and see them in their divinity and the truth of who they are. And I think that that is something that I'm really, really grateful for. Wow. Well, I know that you're going to help a lot of us to continue to see our children as their own entity.

I think that what's going to stand with me, especially as I go home to Ella tonight, and she starts doing all her buzzing and things. I think part of what we deem is restoration has a lot, especially as parents has a lot to do with how our kids turn out. And I think removing the pressure of restoration coming through my children's paths and achievement allows me more opportunity to be present with where they are and not consumed with where they're going to land. parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, of the village that are helping me raise these girls. We would be like, what would Destiny say? And we'd be like, what? Destiny ain't here. Destiny's child is grown up.

Sometimes this man here, he looks like, right? Yeah, absolutely. It's not the default. And you gotta be able to give yourself grace in that moment. But I'm telling you, those repair conversations, that's where the magic is, that when your kids can see you be vulnerable. I never heard my parents say sorry.

Oh, I mean, I never heard anything. My mother recently did, oh my gosh, we, I did this podcast with my mom, and we weren't even supposed to be talking about my childhood trauma, but we stumbled right into it. Like she ripped this banded off with cameras and stuff rolling.

And then she apologized to me and tears literally just burst out of my eyes. I know where I couldn't, I couldn't believe it. And this was just in December. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The Christmas one. Yeah. And I'll say this to you before we go because I have to shout my dad out. The thing about increasing our consciousness when it comes to parenting is that we do

start to conscious parents ourselves, but then we do sometimes extend that grace to our parents and there's healing that can happen there as well. And I told you, I was the bad kid, so I was the kid that like, my parents would share business and I was just like the butt of the joke all the time, even as an adult, like why are we still having these conversations? So it was maybe like two months ago, and my dad's been on this journey with me, and he was about to share something, and he looked at me, and he was like,

what is it okay if I share this? And I had that same moment of like, we have boundaries, like you are so happy to meet. So I think that it's just really transformative for us to go through any of our relationships consciously, meaning that we are showing up fully in the present, acknowledging the other person and who they are, acknowledging us.

I always say you have to ask yourself, what are they needing, feeling and believing? What am I needing, feeling and believing, and then making conscious decisions from there? Because that's what emotional intelligence is. And if we can extend that to all of our relationships with the co-parent, with our parents. And so it really is this parenting thing, it can transform a lot of areas of our lives if we are allowing it to.

Needing, feeling and believing. That's the sermon. And you just preached it. Thank you, Destiny. Thank you for your time today. Thank you so much. I feel better. Oh, better.

Thank you for making us all better. And we, thank you. Okay. Well, happy Tuesday to you. Enjoy your down day. And continue. Great. 351 here. Down is done.

Down is done. Is that over? Well, enjoy the rest of your week and continue the work that you're doing. It really is making a difference. It's changing our lives. Thank you, so are you Sarah. I appreciate it so much. No problem. Take care.

Bye. You too. Bye. You too. Bye. Destiny, like at this point, we are besties. That was everything. I want you to know how much I value your teachings. Our listeners will walk away with some healthy ways to navigate the parent-child relationship at any age.

And we will learn that we can be a conscious parent and be fly hilarious heartwarming, uplifting and empathetic. Thank you for your example. Thank you for the many ways that you are teaching us to do what we've never seen been done before. Many blessings much love to you. We hope that your work continues to echo throughout the earth. It is certainly left us open to new strategies. We want to hear to you. We hope that your work continues to echo throughout the earth. It has certainly left us open to new strategies. We want to hear from you. Email us at podcastatwomenthevolved.com. How are you feeling about these episodes lately? They are feeling real jazzy. I am enjoying them and I cannot wait for you to hear what we've got for you next week. Until then, stay open, continue to evolve. New strategies await you. You just have to implement them.

So, go get it started. you