Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Presence of Persecution w/ LeToya Luckett

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

Chile, leave it to LeToya Luckett to gather the girls while keepin’ it all the way TRILL! As a singer and actress who grew up in the public eye, Sis was exposed to criticism early on. In this episode, She & SJR chopped it up about the insecurities that come from using their gifts. So, if that’s your testimony, tap-tap-tap-in! But one thing for certain & two things for sure, when it comes to a life that pleases God…the Delegation gone step in the face of persecution EVERYTIME—‘cause W.E. gotta be about our Father's business! Hey YOU, chill with us this Friday (9/16) night for a Woman Thou Art Loosed Master Class #Replay + Register for the WTAL 2022 Virtual Experience at wtal.org/register. This week our sponsors are serving a chef’s kiss from Caraway & biblical meditations through the Abide app. Check ‘em out!

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's their all things. All things, all things.

Child. I don't know if you've heard the news yet, but this girl, this one right here, the one talking to you, SJR has got cowgirl boots again. I am in that great state of Texas. And I'm warning you right now, your girlfriend and being her Texas bag heavy, okay? And to kick off my first podcast from the Loan Star State, my friend, my co-host today, is Latoya Luckett.

You all may know her as an original member of Destiny's Child, a phenomenal actress and amazing mom and basically a jayball with fashion icon. But if you take the time to really listen to her today, you're going to learn that she does all of these things a little bit afraid. If you're like me and sometimes you're saying yes and why at the same time, God, why me, why, why, why, but also here I go anyway, I have a feeling that you are about to be amazingly blessed by her transparency and vulnerability. Let's go. Okay friends, so it is no secret that you have grown up really with a lot of people watching.

They've seen lots of changes in your life, the good, the bad, the highs and the lows. You have to tell me, how do you deal with growing with an audience? Like a lot of people have different changes and shifts in their lives, but they don't have as many eyeballs looking at them like you did. But I do think in some ways, whether it's just our family circle, our schools, our churches, our communities. We're all growing in front of an audience, but you grew in front of all of us watching. What was that like for you? Oh, pressure, pressure, pressure. You know, especially in the teenage years, you're just trying, you know, you're trying your

family, your parents, you're coming into your adulthood and it gets tricky. When people are watching and having opinions, it should different kind of show you. But I will say, I'm grateful that I learned a very early age to be aware that people are going to be watching and we went through, especially with artist development and starting so early, our interviewing skills, how we talk to people, how we carried ourselves in public. We were trained to be next level with that. So we knew how to keep quiet for mouse clothes, be ladylike, all these different things, and I feel like because of that training and because of our upbringing,

there was a lot less trial and error, if you will, in the public eye, and we didn't have to trial and error, if you will, in the public eye. And we didn't have to... I guess I feel like I didn't have to... Everybody didn't see the really, really, really, really bad parts because I learned at a very early age how to protect that. Which can also be stressful because you're always overthinking and going, wait a minute, I got 10 steps ahead because I don't want nobody to see me off

and I don't want anybody. And I think I'm just now coming into that place in my life where I'm going, let your hair down sis. You're human, you're not always to get it right. Things aren't life-go-life. Sometimes your testimony can help somebody. Those imperfections make you human. It's so interesting you say that because people ask me on the time like, what was it like getting pregnant as a teenager? I'm like, I am grateful that I got pregnant before social media.

So it wasn't on the shade room. Nobody was writing about it. But I am now like in this stage where I realized that so much of what we do is being documented online. And on one hand, I feel like that's terrible because you have bad days. Now everyone's gonna see them where as it would have been something

that was kept private a few years ago. But I also wonder though, living with that image a few years ago that was so controlled, so, man, you factured, meant that they're even your bad days, no one saw, so they only saw this one version of you. And I was gonna ask you, how do you break out of your life being performance, not just something that takes place on stage, but when it's down to how you speak, how you interact with people, how do you break out of that and give yourself room to just breathe? Like, was there a moment where you were like, you know what?

Like was there a moment where you were like, you know what? Whatever, this is who I am. Like what was that breaking point for you? Transparency, transparency, baby. It works wonders. I think once I started having kids. And actually I was on a reality show at the time when I first got married, I was pregnant with Gianna. And I allowed myself to do that show and I you know definitely okayed it with my ex-husband you know because

I knew eyeballs this was going to increase the amount of eyeballs but I said you know what I think one because I trust this production company I there was you know the history of the show before us I enjoyed it and I could tell that they protected the families that were a part of the show. But I felt like, you know, why not allow people to see the ups and downs? Why not allow people? Why not be transparent? Why not be okay with not being okay sometimes? It helps not only the people that are watching and going, man, she goes to the same thing I grew.

But it also was in some ways it was therapy for me to not feel like I had to be perfect all the time, to say, okay, you know what? I'm going to mess up as a mom sometimes. I'm going to mess up as a wife sometimes. I'm not always going to get it right. And that's okay. And it's okay to not be okay all the time.

Because one, I feel like I see so many people And that's okay. And it's okay to not be okay all the time because one, I feel like I see so many people suffering in silence because they feel that they have to put on this front, this representative and they can't be themselves and they're scared to be transparent. And I'm going for what, baby? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Why suffer in silence? Why feel like you can't have a voice? Why feel like, hey't have a voice? Why feel like, hey, guys, I'm over here. I'm feeling overlooked. I'm feeling like nobody's getting me. I feel like I'm a little too rough around the edges sometimes.

And, you know, they're hiding. And I love being able to be real. And it's making me fall deeper in love with myself more than I ever have before. And especially as a mom, because baby, and I know, and I'm not going to give us some manual. There's nothing. There's no instructions and batteries. Nothing was included. They were just like, this is yours and good luck. And my mom, journey, especially with everything that's taken place in the last few years, you know, I said, I don't want my kids and I say, Hey, you know, please give me some grace because mommy's not going to get it right all the time.

I'm not going to say the right things all the time and grant it. They two and three. But I think they get it. Yeah. time. I'm not gonna say the right things all the time. And granted, they two and three. But I think they get it. Yeah. You know, I think they're hearing me and they're on little way. But yeah, I feel like transparency and what's up, came a mom that allowed me the moment to say, hey, it's time to let that guard down.

It's time to be okay when I'll be in perfect. Yeah. And to let people in, but still protect your heart, still protect your space as much as you possibly can. Have your bound to put up your, you know, your boundaries where they need it, but. This whole you've got to get it right all the time. That's never going to happen.

Has having your own children helped you to understand more things about yourself, like when you were a child and growing up because I have found my daughters are 13 and six, my babies that lived inside of me and I've got older daughters too, but I've never gone through this teenage years before. And now that I see my 13 year old and even my six year old,

it's helping me to understand better what it was like to be raised the way that I was raised. And why I have some of the wounds or some of the triggers that I possess, as you're stepping into this role, this guide of mothering your children, is it confronting some of your own childhood traumas and issues? I guess I'm assuming that you have them.

I think that everyone's got a little something from their childhood, but yeah, I don't know. Got them, maybe it's a little. So now roll out. They're everywhere. It's like being on a landmine, I'm playing. So, um, yes, definitely have my triggers. And when I watch my daughter, um, especially when she's going through confidence issues already at three. And I'm going, wait a minute,

wow, like she's looking at, you know, how long her hair is and her complexion. And she's noticing a difference between cartoon characters that she might admire and watch. And just things that are said, and I'm like, okay, first of all, I gotta now watch the way I talk. I have to always remind her that she's beautiful, that she's enough. I'm trying to think there was a certain incident, there was something that happened the other day and it was very triggering for me. And by the way, the patients you are when you have... Oh, good.

That's the next method we get into that later. But I think the way that I said something and the way that she took it, she was, oh, she was seeing out loud and baby at the top of her lung, at the top of her lungs. And I had to very careful in the way that I told her, hey, baby, use your inside voice. Because I remember when I was coming into my voice

and learning how to sing, I remember someone telling me to shut up. Wow. So that I was, you know, I was off or annoying and I was just trying to use my voice. And in that moment when she was doing that, it was a little nerve wrecking because of the volume. But it was triggering for me.

Like, I think I remember when someone said that to me and how that did me. So I have to now, yes, I want her to quiet down, but I have to make sure that my delivery doesn't scar her later. Yeah. So how do I say this without creating a trigger, a possible trigger for her later? Because I'm being triggered at this point. And I just nicely said, oh my God, baby, you sound so amazing. But because we're inside, let's just bring

the volume down a little bit, but you sound so good, and I want you to keep singing, but just bring it down a tad. When we get outside, I want you, I want the heavens to hear. Because you have such a beautiful voice. But I do remember when I was learning how to sing and realizing, man, I want to be the next Whitney Houston. I want to be the next you learn to add to me. I remember just a simple critique or someone saying something out of impatience has now scarred me at 40. And I have an insecurity when it comes to using my voice sometimes.

So yeah. Okay, there's that. Yeah, no, we gotta talk about that, cause, woof. We're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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Visit CarawayHome.com slash evolve to take advantage of this limited time offer for 10% off your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for our listeners. So visit carawayhome.com slash evolve or use code evolve at checkout. Caraway non-toxic cookware made modern. I was gonna ask you but you answered me. I was gonna ask you how did that person whatever they said to you, how did that affect

you into your later years? And you're telling me that even now that you often have an insecurity with using your voice. And yet, most of us know you because of the use of your voice. So can we talk a little bit about how you experience an attack in the area where you also experience blessing because I think a lot of times we see someone who's blessed, we see someone who's fortunate to be in spaces and rooms that maybe we would only dream of not realizing that you can be in a blessed space but still have a voice in your own head that says you don't belong to be here or you're going to get taken out.

There's someone better than you. So you can't even enjoy the blessing that everyone is applauding on the outside because you've got that persecution taking place inside of you. Oh, you just want tears today, huh? No, no, no, just truth. She won't reveal it. So, man, all of that. Ooh.

You literally just felt out exactly when I go through in a room, especially when I'm about to share my gift. The anxiety that I feel sometimes, the feeling like I'm not enough, the feeling like, oh, I'm about to share my gift, the anxiety that I feel sometimes, the feeling like I'm not enough, the feeling like, oh, I'm going to be off because that if someone is constantly telling you something, you're going to believe it. And you know, they might be saying it, I love, they want to say to make you better. It can sometimes have the opposite effect on you. And I think that that's what I experienced

as a young girl. When I was eight, nine, 10, you couldn't tell me, couldn't say. That was the one thing I knew I had in the bag. I was like, okay, you said, guess I got it. Oh, this is the one thing I knew I had in the bag. I was like, okay, you said, Gifts God, I got it. Oh, this is the one. All right. And I would go out for all the leads,

lead roles in the plays at school, talent shows, or young ones get these vocal cords. Like, it was all that. And then when I went to the next level and used in my voice, which was using it professionally, there were of course critiques that would come. When you're taking voice lessons, when you're in a group,

when you're doing these things on a large stage, people want you to be at your best. Right. And I think in those moments, when I was getting instruction, because I was so young, I was applying the wrong way. I was hearing it as you can't and you're not good enough, instead of I'm doing this to make you better.

This is what, you're going through these voice lessons so you can learn to protect your vocal cords and you're not screaming. You wanna be on instead of off. You don't wanna be sharp or flat. You know, this is how you, you know, this is a better way to help you use your gift. But I think because I was so young, I didn't,

I didn't take it like that, you know? And I started to kind of retract and kind of like go into a little shell of, I can't, I can't. So now even when I'm about to perform on stage or when I'm in a room full of sanctuers, sometimes I feel like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have a seat at this particular table. But it's one of those things where I fight myself in my mind and go, hey, yes you do. God gave you this voice.

You're supposed to be here. You're good enough. You sold your records. You know what I mean? Like, it's OK to not be perfect as far as being on point on note all the time. Have emotion when you sing to it. Allow what you've been through to come out when you perform. And then use what you've learned and of course, you know,

in both voice lessons and things like that and apply it. But at the same time, it's a struggle. It's straight of war at time when I'm about to use my gift. And the anxiety I feel when someone asks me to perform, my God, I'm still seeking therapy at that knowledge. Okay, so, all right, so I had this, I was having this conversation with myself because I was like, I just recently preached

at my Dutch church in Dallas and you know, I feel about preaching the way you feel about singing. Like I think that it is my gift. I think that it helps a lot of people, but I also don't, it's just, I just, what I have to go through to stand in that moment is very stressful. There's a lot of anxiety.

There's a lot of second guessing. And sometimes I get tired of telling people how insecure I am about it because I don't want it to sound like I'm whining or that like, oh, she's just saying that, but like I really don't want it to sound like I'm whining or that like, oh, she's just saying that, but like I really don't think people understand how taxing it is for me to overcome my fears, my insecurities, my anxiety to stand in it. And then I think it's more pressure when things go well

because they're like, one thing she not gonna do is miss. And she told it and then it's like, oh Lord, but we barely made it into the moment to make it happen. And sometimes I'd be asking myself, like what is it going to take for you to no longer reject this thing that God gave you? Like what is it going to take for you to finally get to a space where you own it

without apology and not fear that it's pride or not fear the moment you own it, you're going to lose it. Like what is it going to take for you to just say this is who I am, this is what God gave me to do and now I'm just going to work it. I don't know if it's an age thing, I don't know if it's an experienced thing, but sometimes I wonder what is it going to take. So I'm asking you, I want to glean from you. Like, what would it take for you to finally say,

you know what, I got this. Like, this is what God gave me and I'm good at it. And it helps people. Like, what would it take for you to save that? Pass the serum. I thought you had the answers. No, girl. But in the what you was going to say,

there was an answer tough to run up me that, because I don't have it. I, you know, when people say, this is crazy. When people say you hear old folks say, once I got a certain age, I can't no more. Yeah. When I hear them say that, I apply it to my gift. I go, can I go feel that way about my gift one day that I don't care about people's opinions

and whether they say I'm on it often by the way. Since I've put out albums and perform live and done solo this and that, people don't critique me as much. Yeah. So it's really a war with myself. Right, right, right. No, we're not even talking about something

that other people say. We're talking about the voices that live within me. Yeah. Right. So no, I do not have the answer. that other people say. We're talking about the voices that live within me. Yeah. Right. So no, I do not have the answer. I don't know what age. I don't know what it's going to take. I mean, I've done the praying.

I've had the anxiety attacks in the bathroom but right beside the stage before I go on, I've gotten the messages from my family, my fans, people who supported and loved me, St. Toya, you got this, you got this. And I'm like, I don't understand. I don't feel like I have any part of this or should be any part of this. And this is my gift. How y'all know my gift? I know my gift. I'm feeling it. And I'm feeling the anxiety. Why are you more sure than me? And I have a lot of stuff that I don't want to cry.

And I have a lesson on it, I don't want to cry. It's still a work, it's still, because you're so vulnerable. And then I guess you feel like, you know, what makes us great in the moment is we give into the vulnerability and we go for it anyway. We're still brave enough to still stand in it and go through it.

And the relief you feel when it's over? Yeah, thank you for that. Oh my God. Oh my Lord, oh my goodness. Don't get me started about when it's over. I, Jesus, you did it again. I was in it. Take me, I want the carbs and the sugar. you did it again. I don't believe it. Take me, I want the carbs and the sugar.

I did it, I did it. And also I'm never gonna do it again, but I did it. I don't want to. And you probably gotta do it next time. Right, and I'm not gonna see I'm gonna do it the next day. I'm telling you, I, I was a toy, I never forget I was gonna throw a Mary J. badge and this is what my album was coming out. And I was doing spot dates, but my spot dates back then were like

106 in park. And I'm like, y'all gonna make 106 in park my first performance. And we went off on man. Man, like, are y'all crazy? Why are y'all doing this to me? They're like, this is the biggest opportunity. I said, so why wait first? I am not ready.

What is happening here? And, you know, I found myself, of course, still showing up, still doing it. I still, somebody, ooh. Somebody did a meme. Or it wasn't even a meme. This is, his name is Reggie. He's so talented, he's on IG.

And he remakes, I'm sure you've seen it. He remakes scenes from reality shows, videos. But he uses things in his house around the house like this little black tiger or like a can of these or something funny to remake the video. Well, he remade one of my first videos of me singing torn as a live performance. And people were like, in my DMs, like, yo, this is so funny. Oh my God, but they didn't realize how triggered I was.

Because I started to feel the anxiety from that moment of me performing and how they literally had to push me on stage and how I didn't want to do that show at all because I felt I wasn't ready. And I was so triggered, I couldn't even really watch. You know, I couldn't, I definitely didn't watch it to the end, but I couldn't watch this funny little thing.

That was Steve as of last week. You know, going up in numbers, people thought it was amazing and just so funny and pre-make was absolutely hilarious, but I was almost in tears like, oh my God, I remember that moment. But once I got on tour, shortly after that performance,

once I got on tour, Mary J. Blige, I literally watched her every night, poor her entire soul, um, into every single performance. And one thing we know about Mary is once she goes saying, you know, but two, it's going to be full of emotion. And especially when she gets to the moment, girl, okay. And so I was like, okay, she don't care. Yeah. She's not thinking about, yes, she's thinking about the great performance and she's thinking about, you know, making sure she sounds amazing, which she always does, but I can tell her

first thought is emotion. And so what I learned from watching her every night is to like to say to you, like be transparent on stage, use the emotion to carry you through this performance and the notes will be there. They'll be there. You know the notes, you know the lyrics, but people are going to feel they want to feel you. Because there are people out there that can sing down and I mean, every single no, but if they're standing and there's no stage presence or you can't feel it, you're like, okay, all right, this was our office was cute.

But you're not gonna do that when you're watching Mary J. Blodg, you're gonna be like, oh my gosh. Like when she says no more pain. Right, yeah. like, oh my gosh. Yeah. Like when she says no more pain. Right. Yeah. OK. So I felt like God had me there.

He was OK enough of this. Let me get you on the roll for three and months of some change with somebody who uses their gift to change lives. And it's not about being perfect in the moment. It's about she is literally, and she was was at every night this is like therapy for me. I need to get out. I learned so much from watching her. You know, go through that.

So yeah, I don't definitely show up with you what it's supposed to be. definitely show up what you were supposed to be. But I can just remember every night getting a stage like the exhale that I finally have to take. It's like nothing else. It's like nothing else. Okay, so I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too. I wanna hear your story, I wanna hear your thoughts and opinions. You can send me your application, your video,

to be a co-host to podcastatwomenevolved.com. Let me know what it is you wanna talk about, why it's important to you that you be on the podcast. Maybe you like, girl, I am not gonna be on anybody's podcast, I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question. Podcasts at womanevolved.com.

Okay, let's get back to the podcast. I wonder if you're like me. So it's a head game up until the moment that I'm in it. And then it's a heart thing, because I realize that the only way that I can stand up to this moment is if I get out of my head. In my head, I'm persecuting the way that I sound.

I'm persecuting the way that I speak. I'm persecuting the verbs that I use, the nouns, the vocabulary. Like in my head, I am judging myself and showing up at the same time, but there comes this moment where it's like, all right, it's time for me to step fully into this moment. I got to step fully into this message.

I have to do it from the heart. And who I am when I am in that moment, I really like admire that version of myself. I don't get to be her very often because I think I'm often in my head criticizing and judging. But when I look back at clips, when I look back at moments that happen in the middle of a message,

I have realized that in that moment, I am living like fully from my heart. And I look confident and I look bold. And I've got this handle on things that I don't have when I live in my head. So maybe it's less about like, what is it going to take for me to overcome it? And more about how do I just learn to live in my head. So maybe it's less about like, what is it going to take for me to overcome it? And more about how do I just learn to live from my heart?

Where I know my intentions are pure, where I know that I'm giving it the best that I have, where I am finding the joy in the moment, not the judgment in the moment. Maybe the real gift of standing up to difficult moments is how do I do it from the heart instead of doing it from the head. Ooh, and I know where you're talking about because when you're in your message, when you start holding the mic at the top, like a rap artist.

Yes. Oh, she in it. And she in it. She must win the mic y'all. Look at it. And she started going and that fits get the eye. You know, I, I, those are my favorite moments. That's when you are going in, you don't, oh,

whoo, I just wish you could see, and I know probably people would say this about me, but I wish you could see you, and I'm glad you get to see yourself through those clips, but I wish you could see you the way we see you. Like I, I know when that hair gets shaking and that might get the teeth coming in, you know, you get them with the fists,

I'm like, okay, nobody beat her in that moment? No one, there's nobody on this earth that can mess with past the Sarah in any way. And then you can pass the outcast. Who, what, I don't care if you know the Bible, in, out, upside down. When you in that moment, since you are the effect that you're having on us, I can't put it in the words. You see, I have a difficulty. I can't do it. I'm having a difficulty.

You are somebody else. And you can tell you are just, it is coming from the heart because you're not thinking in that moment. I can literally tell you're not there is nothing. You didn't write none of that down. None of that was practice. You are literally taking your heart and doing this. And yeah, I do have those moments in my performance, especially if I get to talking about what made me write a certain song, where the headspace that I was in,

or if I see a young girl who could be struggling with something in the crowd and I talk straight to her or I'm singing straight to her, I know that I'm moving her. I know that I'm having, you know what I mean? That she's feeling me. And those are the moments that I love the most on stage. So yeah, I do eventually get out of my head

and into my heart, but it takes a while. It doesn't happen on the first note. It doesn't happen sometimes on the first or second song. Maybe it's the last song that I finally go, you know what I think I'm up here. I hope y'all like it, man. I'm just arrived. I know we're on the last song, but I just got to go. Right, I'm here now. I'm here now.

I'm here now. But yeah, it does, I really hate that we do that to ourselves. But that's when you know that you're doing what you're supposed to do. And you're walking and living in your purpose. And it's not a fight. It's not I mean, it's not easy To use our gifts and Because they're gifts and because they're so precious and so fragile

Yeah, right. You know how to Mess with us about it You know what I mean and enemy is sometimes you yourself It's not some magical, you know, with horns, beasts, the character you've created. It's really the voice in your head telling you know, or that, or that those past hurts, those things that trigger you the most, things you're hurting a childhood, they're all gathered there saying the negative things that you don't want to hear

when you're in your most vulnerable moment. And I can say to the both of us, I am so glad that we defeat that enemy every time and we still are bold enough to stand in our purpose and use our gift. Even when we could be suffering the most, we're struggling the most with ourselves and can finally at the end say the work is done. You know, it's, it's, and most of the time it's just beginning. We're like, we're like, oh, that's finished. The guys are like, yes, it now.

No, that's not the way. Yeah, yeah, it's man, yeah, using your gift isn't easy. Yeah, it's not easy at all. Yeah. easy. Yeah, it's not easy at all. Yeah, it's the one it's the one sometimes the thing that I'd rather not do. Talk about it. I am. I am. I feel that in a deep way because yeah, I don't want to, I never want to sound ungrateful for the gift or, you know, like I don't honor it or value it, but it really does require you to live with a level of resiliency that I'm not always sure I have. Oh, right that down. Can we tattoo that?

Yeah. I'm just facing my back. Yeah. Like I am, it is so when you said fragile, that resonated with me because it does feel very fragile. Like I am one comment, one article, one post, one family members thought away from it breaking. And I think, I don't know, this probably

doesn't make any sense, but I think living from the heart is the prerequisite for honoring your gift. And that means living in your heart even after it's been broken, even after it's been shattered. And trusting that your heart is more resilient than you think it is. And if your heart is more resilient, then you've got fuel for the gift.

You've got fuel for the purpose. But I think so many of us experience disappointments. We experience heartbreak, and it keeps us from living in our heart. And we use our head and everything. But it's going to take both heart and head to stand in any moment that is connected with our destiny. And I feel like this decade of my life is about rejoining my heart and my head so that I can experience like the fullness of my life.

Amen. Look, they've got a marry at some point. We keep looking up. Right. Right. They like booty calls. They're not in this situation. Ship one night stands and like they really want to go together. Right, right, they like booty calls. They're not in this situation ship.

One night stands and like they really want to go together. Like we need to start going together so bad. And I'm like, girl, figure it out like, I don't know what's going on. So I'm somewhere in this decade, I am going to cook them up and walk them, walk them down the aisle. Yes. We wear in this decade. I am going to cook them up and walk them down the out. Yes.

We gotta get this thing. I'm gonna get this thing. Because even one of you know what you're doing, you need to be together. Because you're both messing with my face. Right, you don't like being single. Y'all don't wanna be outside? Y'all not want that for y'all's health.

Like just get it together. Like, I mean, they really like each other. They like each other. They for real. I don't know what's going on. Like, I'm just, woof. It don't work out with nobody else. Nobody else, you don't try.

I'm not gonna lie. They just go ahead and surrender. So, surrender. The render, good, good. But yeah, we, we gonna try. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey!

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to 22433. Okay, Latoya. We have an advice question to answer. Okay? One of the girls, the girls need us, okay? It starts off, I want to say I love the show. I would hear quotes and little clips, but once I found the podcast, I was like, oh my gosh, she is real and even more so my age. I started

listening to the podcast because I wanted to heal after a breakup and work on myself. I was with the man for four years and knew him for eight. We were always great friends, so that's why we decided to try a relationship. It came after I had already had my daughter. He is the only father figure my daughter has and knows I always loved that about him, how he was a hard worker, a man of God. He is 10 years older than me, but that didn't matter. We were good, fast forward, I suffered from anxiety and it started to get bad. Now he is not the best with stress.

He just says, you're fine, get up, that's it all. Well, when we broke up, he says he was unhappy and he couldn't do it. That echoed in my head for six months. So at Christmas 2021, he of course, still came to bring my parents gifts and my daughter, and then he gave me one. I asked if he would talk to me

since we never did foreclosure. He said that he had to leave to take a bike. Well, I asked if it was for someone he was dating as a gift. He said, yes, I was broken. I always thought we had hope. I always thought we had hope because he still checked on me and he still cared.

Now I think that I am the one that was toxic because he was the only great man I had. My past boyfriend's one beat me, baby daddy verbally abused me and the other cheated. I feel so depressed down and lost. I miss my one chance at happily ever after. I miss my chance at love because I couldn't explain my mental health or communicate it.

How do I pick up to be happy for him because I will always love him and fix me? Oh girl. Yeah. That is layered. Oh girl. Yeah. That is layered. Oh, that's a. Wow. That is so layered.

Man, I mean, her accountability, though, go star. Yeah. That's the first step. Realizing that, realizing the part that she played, a lot of times we start playing the blame game early when it worked, doesn't work out. And she said, no, this is the part that I've played.

And, you know, I don't think she should take full responsibility. But I do feel like she should start doing her work based on that. And what I also don't want her to do, put all of her happiness in him. And that baby's going to be okay. That baby's going to be just fine. Just fine. And what's for you? We hear it all the time. Like, what's for you? It's so for you, you won't miss it, it won't miss you. And hope it might have just needed a break. He might have just needed a little woo-saw to come up the air, but because you can tell that with him having such a good

heart and being as thoughtful as he is, he feels everybody's, and if you were given heavy, he just find it needed a release. It's not to say that he still doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be a part of your life. You're children like your family. It's not making him the bad guy. I'm loving his honesty.

His grandparents, his grandparents. What? Because I don't want to, but who, what? You can tell me you want to make somebody else. Yeah. Thank you. So I see why he's a great guy. I see why you feel like, oh, I did it. But this is your work.

Do your work yourself love and pulling yourself out of whatever this is. And I know anxiety is probably one of the hardest things to shake, but you can. Believe it, start trusting yourself, but start doing your work on your mental health. You know, of course we always say getting your Bible, start your prayer life, also meditating, getting steel. Like, when you have kids, it's super hard to part about that time, for yourself. And she's just got to boost up herself love, which within boost up her confidence.

And confidence is very attractive. Yes, it is. It's super attractive. And when we start beating ourselves up in front of the people that we love, and then we'll oh, they'll be there. They got me. They understand me.

They also don't want to see you doing it to yourself either. And you start to feel like I'm not going to use the word burden because you're not a burden. And stop telling yourself that because I kind of feel that you're telling yourself that you're a burden and caring yourself as a burden. Stop telling yourself that because I kind of feel that you're telling yourself that you're burden and caring yourself as a burden. For me, shake that head. You're a light. So, carry yourself lights this. And I'm not telling that light we at all. But I will say, that light we at all. But I will say we got to just sharpen that confidence a bit. We got to sharpen that confidence. We've got to start doing work and get that self-love together, that self-care. And insist if he decides to be in the corner, which column is the circle

that was, you know, if he decides to come around again, we'll be ready. But it might not have been him. It might have, he might have just been, he might have got him, I'd have put him in your life just for that season. It might be someone else that's even better. Yeah. You know, and star believing that, you're still the gift. Yeah. And knows it. He knows it too. But you gotta know it.

Like you have to know, you're still a gift. You're still the wonderful person that this person grew to love. Just cause you might feel like you were the toxic one that caused the breakup. Stop telling yourself that. He didn't say it, obviously, you all haven't even had to talk. Okay. So stop telling yourself that and start doing the work. Let go as much as possible, the can of the weight of that relationship, not working

out and blaming yourself for it. Man, I was thinking about what you were saying about how someone told you to shut up at an early age and how that affected who you are even into your adulthood. And I have so many countless stories just like that where I felt like my voice didn't have worth their value. When I hear this woman saying that she lost her one chance at love because she couldn't communicate her mental health or she couldn't explain what was happening with her. I can only imagine what happened at some point in her life where she lost the ability to

find the words to express how she was feeling. Maybe someone shut you down. Maybe there was an environment that helped you have the tools and vocabulary to express how you were feeling and what I would like to see happen is for you to have more compassion for yourself. For you to really love the fact that you are on a journey and if someone's gonna be in partnership with you,

that they're gonna have to be patient with you while you learn the words to help you express how you feel and what it is you're experiencing. So for me, it feels like maybe he wasn't the one. If he didn't have the patience, if his solution was fine, just get over it, and you were dying or needing to be able to express yourself and he couldn't create an environment for that, maybe it is better that you all are just friends.

And I think the greatest gift you can give yourself is to really use your vocabulary, to really pinpoint emotions, to really understand what memories are connected to you, silencing yourself so that you can have greater compassion. And then also introduce the way that your mind works, the way that you take in what's happening in your world to someone else, because you cannot love someone or give your heart to someone if you don't know your heart yourself. And so I think that you're going to look back on this and you're going to thank God

that it didn't work out because it was an opportunity for you to begin to date yourself to understand all of your scars and your nuances and the joy and the light that you bring to someone's life. And so you did not miss your one chance. You are your one chance at love. You are your one chance at a happily ever after. It is not wrapped up in another person. It is wrapped up inside of you.

It's wrapped up underneath maybe that shame, maybe that pain, but you are a gift waiting for you to unwrap. And so my challenge for you, friend, is to not wait for someone else to come around, but for you to be the light that you need in this season of your life and to find the love that is already there from a place of compassion and acceptance. I think that's the greatest thing you can do. Period.

Period. Okay. And that's on period. Okay. All the things. You said all the things that needed to be said. Yes, it's, and it's crazy how we can, we can do that to ourselves. Like, is it?

Oh, hmm, I'm trying to find my sweet words, but it is. Oh, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to compare. Don't worry. I'm not trying to compare. Go for it. But I feel like we desire this accountability from the other side, from the guy. And we're so quick, women, I feel, to have that accountability and say what we did wrong. Do you see a difference? Do you feel like women will show up first and have the accountability and play the blame game on ourselves before we see it or get it from a man?

Yeah, but I think that's baked into the culture. I think that we have a culture that doesn't always hold men accountable or give them passes. And I think part of us taking the blame has a lot to do with us just going with the fact that like it couldn't possibly be a man's fault. What did I do? What role did I play? And I don't, that doesn't to say that there isn't a role that we played, but I do think

that there's space for a mutual accountability for him to say say, just find it over, it's stuck it up. You know, that means that he's not creating a space where you can even be human. So you're going to end up performing in that relationship, but it's so much easier. And I think it's also a control thing because I think that if we take ownership, if we take accountability, then we think we can keep it from happening again in the future instead of just coming to a place where it's like, you know what, maybe we weren't good for one another. Maybe we didn't have capacity to really hold a space for one another. But I think that our need to be in control makes us pick our decisions apart.

That controls. Yes, it's control. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's making you? That's a question I've had yeah, no, I was gonna I was gonna ask you Because we're about to wrap up but I wanted to know like what giant are you about to slay next?

What thing is giving you anxiety? You're rolling your eyes, but you gonna do it anyway. You know, you know, you have a panic attack I'll have to do some deep breathing, but I'm going to do it anyway because whatever I might as well. Yeah, it's um, whoo, it's a couple of things, but I'm going to get in the studio and I'm going to make a bad one. I like that. That is the next giant that I've been on slaying. I think. Um, And also getting back out there and dating. I hear it's ghetto. I heard that. I heard that. I heard that. I heard that. Baby, I don't know. That's a giant. That's a good giant too that I'm ready to take on.

I feel that it's necessary for me to go in. Here we go in. I can't just get out there and jump out and go beyond the dating apps and just meet somebody at home, which I can't possibly, but a lot of times we feel like with our industry thing at night. It's a time to is safer to meet someone through someone else who already knows the person and familiar with them and knows that they're not cool.

But yeah, I'm making an album and dating again as they sing mom. Yeah, two. Little ones, not teenagers, but baby babies. It's a difference. Well, let me tell you, it's easier to hook them when the babies are young because when they get teenagers, they can see whether or not they're gonna be shaky. So they may not, but you know kids are real cute. They love them. They're real cute. They'll be alright. Hook them now. Hook them now. Okay. Okay. Hook them now. Hook them now. All right. No. I mean, you might have got spirits. One of my friends is the dating pool has P in it, and I just rebuked that. I rebuked that. I really.

What I'm seeing is smelling so far. It is. It is. Okay. So this was all the way right. I rebuked that thing, because I'm looking like, oh my god. I am speaking the spirit of chlorine in the dating pool. Okay. For bleach. A little ammonia. Oh, yeah. So small. I am speaking the spirit of chlorine in the dating pool. Okay.

Bleach a little ammonia. So Lord, clear it up. My friends are in the water, Lord, clear it up. Okay, that is my prayer for you. And we are waiting, Lord. More ways than one. Okay, we're waiting in this water. And it is just, it smells bricks of urine.

It does and I don't know what to do. I don't get out. I sleep, I'm gonna climb up to stairs and get on out of here. But yeah, I'm glad I'm like you, I'm playing for bleach, I'm playing more chlorine. Yeah, it's because something's got to change. I'm going on in here. It's cracked, it's cracked. You can't see that's the other thing. That's got to change. It's cracking. It's crouted.

It's crouted. You can't see that's the other thing. That's the other thing. It's crouted. It's crouted. You can't see that. It's crouted. You can't see my suit.

Okay. Um, so. Oh, Lord. That's what you hear me. He heard. He heard. This has been amazing. Thank you so much.

I'm glad this finally worked out. I Know yes, I'm so it's always a pleasure and honor Speaking with you and I'm it's it's also refreshing to know that we share some of the same Same Battles yeah the same. Battles. Yeah. Next is for us to know that you're not alone. Even it's even it's you know with the different gifts but I it's always an honor just to be in your presence and to hear from you and I was super excited that you asked me to come up and so thank you thank you thank you thank you yeah you've been a light to us I hope I get to see you soon yes come on back to Texas thank you

I love you take care let me see bye Latoya says I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving us over an hour of your time to catch up to learn I feel so much more seen so much less alone on this journey of purpose because of you It's been my pleasure having you co-host with me today and I know Someone is listening right now in their jealous because you were my co-hosts and they weren't. But we can end that with just a shot of an email. Email podcast at womanevolved.com and tell me about yourself and a quick one to two minute video.

Or maybe you have a question you've been wanting me to answer but you've been too shy to ask. Or you send a DM that I never opened my bad girl, my bad. Send it to me to the same email podcast at womeliebawb.com and I got you. I'll see you next week. you