Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Reparent Your Perfectionism w/ Tykeia Robinson

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

TRUST…after today’s episode, you’ll want to nurture your relationships with conviction instead of consequence. Here to discuss the idea of reigning over our past is Dr. Tykeia Robinson! She and SJR went down memory lane to trace how their younger selves sought acceptance. And Sis, W.E. all can relate! It would take adulthood, a healthy relationship with God, and therapy for Dr. Tykeia to begin healing from the pain of rejection. Find out how she’s NOW caring for her inner child #unapologetically! Y’all do know W.E. be clubbin’, right? Sign up at WomanEvolveBookClub.com by April 10th to receive May’s book. As a loyal listener, you can save $5 off your first month by using promo code READ. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.com/Evolve online therapy + Noom.com/Evolve weight loss program.

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you can care yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a unique boundary. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Child. So, if I tell you a secret about me, you have to promise not to judge me. You know how you all like to do that whole daylight savings time and then you got to fix all the clocks in the house. Like, sometimes I just skip that. I'm like, I'm going to keep this clock the same because in just a few months, it'll be right again. The only thing with that is that whenever I'm walking past that clock, I have to remind myself that clock is not

right. It is set to an old time. This is exactly the type of work that we engage in when we come to a place and decide that we're no longer going to be programmed by our past weight of being and thinking. We have experiences that come up, we have responses that are automatic triggers and we have to be willing to say to ourselves wait a minute. That version of myself, that response, the reception of what that experience was, is rooted in an old version of who I am. I have to remind myself that is the old time, that is the old me. There is a new time, a new way of being that is present. When we talk about raining over our past, this is the formula for how we make it happen. It is an acknowledgement that

there are parts of my life, parts of my mind, parts of the way that I think and receive information and communication that is rooted in rejection, maybe it's rooted in bad programming for my parents, the bad programming of abandonment. Whatever that programming is, there's nothing wrong with having it, we're all human. All of us have had experiences and exposures that changed the way that we were wired. Still, we have a decision to make and that decision is whether or not we are going to allow our lives to be dictated by that old programming. Or are we going to say to ourselves, I need to update this system. I need to update the time so that it is a reflection of where I am now and not who I used to be.

This is the work that Dr. Kia has been doing and I am so excited that she is going to share with us her journey. You may know her from the Getting Grown podcast or maybe you are team typing fast. Maybe you have seen her on Twitter. I think her handle is now Moderna the stallion whatever it is. I promise you that she is the most beautiful, open, complex, complicated, powerful, intentional person that I've had a conversation with as of late. What I love about this stage of her life and her journey is that she has done the work to understand where are

those old ways? How do they show up in this new system and do they have permission to stay here? The answer has been known and she's giving us all of the tips, tools and tricks that help us update our way of thinking and being so that we can experience freedom. The kind of freedom that can only come when you have decided that it is okay for you to break away from who you were and to rain over your past. I present to you Queen to Kids, someone who is an incredible gift to us all and who is going to help us polish our crowns. Let's get into it. Can you start off this podcast the way you start off the podcast on getting grown?

Well, I'm not the one that sings Jay sings. Right. And I just, I just allow her to be herself. Mm-hmm. And support her as a friend. You, you do sing though. That's not true. That's not, you do something.

I don't sing on the podcast. I don't sing on the podcast. I don't think on the podcast. Am I allowed to sort of say what we always say on the show? I don't want to. You know, I think you should be yourself. You know when Jade came on, she really struggled to make sure

that she could like be Jade, but not like Jade of all Jades. Like she wanted to be. Like Jade of one Jade. And that's and she did a phenomenal job. I'm so glad though to talk to the other half of the getting grown podcast. You guys, your podcast is hilarious, it is relatable.

I feel like any millennial, especially black, who is out here trying to be an adult, should just go on and give it a listen. And if you have some church roots, you need to hear Kia just on there being churchy, just unapologetically black and churchy. For reasons we can't, like you guys are see, see you guys see Dr. Kia,

you need to listen to getting grown to see like, Ty Kia, like there's another one somewhere. The Kia, listen, I tried to show up as my authentic self like, Tai Kia, like there's another one somewhere. The Kia, listen, I tried to show up as my authentic self in every space. And I have to be who I am. I am equal parts, churchy, and academic. I'm also 100% black, all of the time everywhere that I go.

And so this is who we are, Jaden, I have been friends for many years. Getting grown has been something that we never anticipated, but has been one of the greatest gifts. And today's a special day. Today is getting grown six year anniversary. We are celebrating six years in the podcast world and we're very excited and grateful.

And blown away by the amount of people who listen to us carry on week after week. But I'm happy to be here. I am happy here. I wonder so at the time that we're recording this, this is the six year anniversary of your podcast. Are there any instances that have taken place on the podcast that you wish that you could take back

but it's out there now so you just gotta let it live. Oh, that happens to be very often. Yeah, I mean, we've been, I've been asked questions and sort of put on the spot in ways about any number of things and there are many things that I wish I would have responded to differently. Not in all the times in terms of content but I'm just a very I'm a thinker, I'm a processor and a lot of times if you give me some more time I could probably say it better or frame it differently. So like, you know, there's been times when, yes, Jade has read honesty box

that if I would have known that that's the one you picked, I would have asked her not to read it. And you know, there's all kinds of things, all kinds of things. People ask me to sort of comment on my faves. Or when my faves have done problematic things, and it's like, man, I got to tell the truth, but there's still my faves. When my faves have done problematic things and it's like, man, I got to tell the truth, but there's still my faves, but accountability is a thing that we all

have to sort of answer to. So yeah, tons of things, but I guess over the course of six years and just being on the internet, I've come to accept that, you know, once it's out there, it's out there. And I just try to be as thoughtful as I can about what I say all the time so that I can always be proud of what I've said. That's totally me. I'm definitely a processor. I tell me I'm a slow processor. So I need a minute. That's one of the things that makes speaking publicly so challenging for me is because I like to really be able to think something through before I say it.

So if you just hand me a microphone and ask me to start speaking, like, I've got nothing for you. But like if you give me a minute, I can come up with something. But I need to organize my thoughts and get over my fear and anxiety and all of those things to show up, which I think is just directly rooted in me having to actively choose to step into who I am and not who I was, which I think that is something that like any woman can relate to who's on a journey of still becoming.

Like sometimes I'm at a crossroad and who I was wants to show up, but who I am needs to show up. Can you relate to that and where are you in this journey? Oh, sure. In every way, I wholeheartedly relate to that. And I think that one of the things that I love is giving myself permission to change my mind to be corrected, to offer criticism and feedback, but also to receive it, and be okay, like sort of breaking down the veneer of having to be polished and perfected all of the time, but allowing myself space to develop the practice of learning and growing and practice means that

you know sometimes you go and nail it, sometimes you not. Yeah. And we had an awesome conversation on the show recently with Nedra Tawab and she said that and that's something that I have been carrying with me ever since. Like our conception of practice means that we have to continue to do things perfectly, but inherent in the concept of practice is messing up. Yeah. And so that's been very real to me for sure. So you know one of the things that we're talking about, maybe you don't know, one of the things we're talking about this week at Waman Evolve is how do we come to a place where we believe that it is possible for us to reign over our past.

Like literally to see that something that we have tackled and overcome in a way that really gives us strength and dominion. And I think part of us doing that is coming to that place where we recognize that I am in practice, not perfection. And yet, I think, I heard, G.A. Pepper has actually posted this, that like, perfection is a trauma response, that when we've lost control or a sense of agency, that we find ourselves choosing perfection,

because it feels like it's gonna guarantee us more safe outcomes or something that feels more within our control. And we all know that that's not true. I am wondering how much of who you are practicing today has required you to relinquish the trauma of who you were. Like what? I want to, here I go again, I want to say this the way

I hear it in my head. But I'm just wondering like, who were you? Like what was your story? How did you see yourself? How did you see God and others and your potential? And how have you had to practice breaking out of limiting belief systems that you once held? Wow. The first thing that comes to mind, so growing up in church, especially being a PK or PGK, like my father was in the pastor, but my grandfather was a pastor for almost 40 years and we lived with my grandparents after my parents separated.

So for the breadth of my childhood and all of my adolescence, I lived with my pastor and was very much a part of that sort of first family. And so I'm very, was very, grow up very clear about sort of like image and who I represent in a way. And I remember early on,

sort of latching on to who I was told that I was supposed to be and performing in those ways. I was supposed to be smart. I was supposed to do well in school. I was supposed to be serving. I was supposed to sort of check, check, check, and boxes. So as I have come into adulthood and womanhood, one of the sort of really queer lessons and sort of pivotal points in my life was really realizing that for so long I have shapeshifted and conformed to what I felt like people wanted me to be. Wearing what I thought I was supposed to wear. Wearing my hair the way that I thought that it was supposed to be worn or just sort of

like chasing this aesthetic. It is not always just associated with sort of like church and Christianity, but also like, you know, wanting to be cool, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be liked and for so long I was chasing that and I never ever took the time to get to know Tukia and to appreciate her and to learn who she is and what she likes and what she doesn't. And so I felt like in my childhood like I was to tell her 40 a couple of months ago and I really feel like in my childhood, like I was supposed to tear 40 a couple of months ago. And I really feel like just now the lights are coming on. Wow.

And I'm starting to be really clear about what the key is. And it took me doing some things I'd never done before, taking some risk, figuring out what I liked and what I didn't like, cutting off my hair off and being okay with coloring outside the line or being friends with people who I wasn't quote-unquote supposed to be so good and really committing to a lifestyle of authenticity and learning that God loves me the way that I am. And so it is my, and I want to love what he loves about me. And I've asked him intentionally and purposefully, like, show me who you had in mind when you say you was going to make me and help me to know her and love her and want to be her all

the time. Because I got tired of this hands to wheel of performance. So that was a really long answer. I'm sorry, but I hope that I But I hope that I answered your question. You did. I wonder in order to get to that space, do you feel like there was an element of deconstruction of your perception about faith and religion? And if so, what did you deconstruct in order so that you could embrace this identity?

Yeah, for sure. I remember distinctly when I moved to this area, I live in the DMV now, but I'm originally from New York. And prior to moving, I moved here just about 11 years ago. It'll be 11 years in June of 23. And I remember to discuss that performance. I remember listening to a sermon and realizing that like my relationship with God was transactional or how I perceived it. I thought that I had to earn his love.

I thought that his love and favor were predicated on me checking all the boxes and crossing all the teas and diding all the eyes and I realized that when I had made a mistake and really fell far from God and ashamed and the sermon was really like, listen God knows that your raggedy knows that your raggedy and she loves you anyway. And so it's just the way that it was said. So plainly resonated with me. And it really made me start to think about God's love. And I had to sort of really divorce and unlearn this concept of love that was predicated on ex

or behaviors or me doing certain things or not doing certain things and accept that unconditional love. And I'm growing up, you say that all the time, I know that guy loves me unconditionally, but I remember I was grown before I really, really sat with what that meant and was able to start to deconstruct what were the things that contributed to me sort of having this transactional conceptualization of what love was. And I remember, and I'm still working on that, and in therapy, and through like Bible study, and sort of being critical around some of the beliefs that I've held for a long time.

So yeah, there's been a lot of sort of deconstructing this sort of, I'm trying to think, I don't wanna keep using the word transactional, but it's kind of like this merit-based way that we view space. But it is in learning and dealing with some challenging this merit-based way that we do face. But it is in learning and dealing with some challenging life circumstances and loss and grief and hurt and disappointment and realizing that even in my worst

moments of shame, I am still God's daughter and he is proud of me. And there's nothing that I can do that will separate me from his love. And I've said that all my life, but it took a long time for me to really believe that. If you have ever considered joining the Waamaniwav book club, I don't think that there is a month that is more important to join than the month of May. For the month of May, we are going to be exploring the soul of shame. If you are plagued with negative messages that constantly live in your mind and you think to yourself, why can't I just

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It's like if you do something or say something that we don't agree with, there's gonna be a punishment that makes you feel disconnected that perhaps makes you feel unloved. And in the process of that, maybe it'll help you get your act right and when you get your act right, you'll receive love again. And so I think a lot of that probably starts within the home environment.

And it's so crazy because I think that in an effort to really make sure that people were living holy and making sure that they was living right so they can get in heaven, we really came down harshly on the things that we viewed as misalignment with God's word and God's view for someone's life. And I think that we became as a church so intentionally focused on making sure that there was a hard line in the sand for what was right and what was wrong, that we missed out on an opportunity to say that there is no line for love. There may be a line that

keeps you from being the healthiest version of yourself from tapping into the fullness of who God has called you to be and experiencing the creativity and peace and power that comes with that. But even in that, there's still an opportunity for love. And so I think really having conviction over consequence is something that we didn't know how to master. So we were heavy on the consequence and didn't teach people how to tap into a relationship

with God that is so beautiful, so intimate, so all-knowing that you experience conviction that makes you want to avoid a consequence. I don't know if that made any sense. Sure, the doctor. No, no, it makes all of the sense, and I completely, it resonates with me completely, because it was the shift of thinking like, um, I might, it inspires me not to send or to live holy. It's not a report card or like a pet on the back or anything like that. It is because I love, yeah. And like, like I love you as my friends. And if you tell me that I'm doing something better. And yeah.

And I care about you. And I care about your well-being. I care about tell me that I'm doing something that I can. Yeah. And I care about you. And I care about your well being. I care about your heart. I would never want to do something that intentionally offends you. And when I made that shift, it's thinking of the God that I say that I love when I um, connected to certain things or bound to certain things that take me away from him. That green stem that hurts him in the same ways that I've been hurt. That shit did something from it was a complete paradigm shift. So like, just think from consequence to conviction is super critical. And I wholeheartedly agree that it, I would say it was both and sort of

bringing in the home and the church because I think I remember and not to one of the things that my the way that I was disciplined as a child, this is well before I've been to parenting. But I remember I got spankings and all of those things. But when the things that really hurt me were when I was in trouble, I would be ignored. When I was on punishment, there was a chair in my grandparents' room. And when you were on punishment, you were to sit in their chair. And that's where you were to be when you were not sleeping or

showering or eating you were to be sitting in their chair. And I remember distinctly when my time in that chair, my grandfather, other people would come in and out of the room and I would speak, hey, hey, and I would not be responded to. Or the response would be very short, very like you're in trouble. And that resonates with me and stuck with me more than any other spanking or any other consequence. And so, the unpacking that as an adult and therapy and sort of in my own work, I realized that, you know, it's true, sort of a rejection issue, and

abandonment issue that I've had. And that, like, really get into the source of that and realizing that I has not ever done that to me. There's nothing that I can do that would make him not talk to me anymore. Realizing making those connections are things that have helped me to put and make those shifts. Like you were talking about before. Sorry. No, no, I love that. It's making me think of my own parenting choices. of my own parenting choices. Because I'm like, let me tell you something.

When I tell you, you tell me how to practice is parenting. Because baby, when I tell you, it's a practice. I don't know. I have so much to say. I'm doing the best that I can.

My dad talks about, he won't call it gentle parenting. He called it soft parenting. And, so I guess what I got was hard parenting, but I'm telling you a hard, soft, gentle, it's all a little bit of a practice. And I feel badly because I think that I don't know. I don't know who got the better, this is,

this is going to sound terrible, what I'm about to say. It's like, I don't know who got the better parent. My 14 year old, when I was 14 year old in pregnant, and trying to make sure that I was performing as a good mom, so there was a certain standard that I had, or my six year old, where I don't even believe in the standard anymore. I'm like, do what you want.

You know what I mean? Why are you raised? Raise yourself. Talk to me about why you wanna do it. If you raise a good point, you can have it. If you don't, I cannot tell which one is worse. And we won't know for like 20 more years. So, so that's what I got on that.

Okay. And we're all doing what the best we can. We can. That's just where we are. And I'm still raising myself just like for the record. And you know, I feel, and I say this, and this is like sometimes you, well, to your point about performance, right?

Like you don't want to say things like you're still raising yourself because you don't want to make the family look bad. But the truth is that like you could do the absolute best you can for your children, and still may not have been able to give them everything that they need. And so the idea that I'm going to do this and do this completely well, I think is the wrong goal. I think the goal is I'm going to do the best that I can.

And I'm going to hold space for them when they bring up areas where they need it more. And hopefully I will be able to give them what they are able to communicate they need. As soon as they are able to communicate it, even if it means they're into their adulthood. And that may be the best that we can do with this parenting thing. Getting grown has shown me very clearly, giving me perspective around my parents has helped me to give and offer grace in whole space where the space that acknowledges the truth and reality of my pain and the way that I was impacted, but also the truth and reality of their experience. There are times when I look around my own little life and in my work day and I'm exhausted and ready to go to bed.

And I don't have anybody in here looking at me trying to get some bed. You know, quote, a bad some lotion homework. Yeah. Nobody's asking me anything. And then I think about my mom. And I think about it like when I think about my age, I'm like, you know, my mom was my age.

She had like me and my brother where this age. And I just like I remember my birthday is our days before Christmas. Not always just to be like, I never got no birthday party. It's my corny like, oh my God, it's such a shame. My brother got all this, my brother got all that. I realized that you know, my last birthday party, my mother kept announcing during the party. This is the key is last party, y'all.

Y'all better have a good time, because I'm finished. And I would be like, dang. But now when I think about it, when I was 10, my mom was what, 38? And she had me and my brother, she had no husband, she's trying to figure out so much, she was dealing, you know, her marriage was, she looked, you know,

there's so much that she had been going through, doing how she was going to provide for herself and her kids. I mean, I can't imagine having to think in addition to that, think about feeding 30, 13 under 10 year olds as well. And so like in the moment, you know, what I have wished to, she would have handled this situation differently. Yes, but I also can resonate with where she was at that point in her life and the fact that

she was doing the very best that she could give me the circumstances. And so that parents and business, I don't know if that, if the Lord has that for me. But I will say that I have such great respect for parents and I think about like, like, not the netra's book, like, knows deep at this point. She's like, parents are just people with children. We think that people become parents and they automatically understand all that it needs to be carried. And no, it's just somebody who had a baby.

That's it. Like that's it. That's it. Yeah. Why is a no-carb diet trending? Which one of y'all hating on bread? I'm feeling some type of way, so let's talk about it. You see, these trends come and go, but bread,

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The Noom Mindset, A Deep Dive into the Psychology of Behavior Change, Available to Buy Now, Wherever Books Are Sold. So it sounds like you are engaged with like the work of reparenting yourself, which is part of what I think any journey of wholeness entails. When you are engaged in active reparenting, right?

Like, cause it's like an overarching theme, but then there are moments where you're like, I wanna have to actively dig into what I just experienced so that I can figure out where this comes from. What, maybe you can give me an example of what active reparenting looks like for you because what I wanna understand is like, where do you start?

And then like, how do you get on top of that? Like, how do you get to a place where it feels like, I'm going, I'm going under, I'm going under this, they taking me back. It's so fun, we were walking around. I think we were in New York and they were out there Smoking the devil's lettuce as someone would say

And I held my breath key. I said to try and take me back That's what it feels like when you get triggered you got to to hold on. They're trying to take me back. They're trying to take me back. I want to know, how do you like get back on top and say, you know what? I am not going to fall for that way of thinking. I'm not going to let this turn into abandonment. I'm not going to be defensive. Like, how do you reign over your past? Okay, so like I talked about before, my parents had been related when I was really young.

And one of the things that I had come to know is I think about my family and sort of the different traditions that we've been to is I internalized my parents' divorce in a very specific way. I was a daddy's girl, Lynn. Um, and I feel like my mom had a very nurturing relationship with my brother. I was, I was her staff that was very, like, I was grown before we started to develop that more of a emotional connection. But our, when I think about coming up, my mom was on top of me in terms of making sure that things can't done and things are going to go away. And I had a lot of responsibility.

So I didn't give, I don't, when I thought it'd be an accident, I didn't feel like I got a lot of the nurturing, loving on one. And if I'm not careful, I can really have some feeling about that. And it doesn't fit much for me to internalize things as a rejection or abandon it. And in repairing things, how it comes up? It comes up in my relationships, it comes up when I feel myself going for, for sort of those feelings, surfacing. My work has really been in allowing my feelings to be my feelings in the moment. Because I think I, for a long time, I was just like, oh, I'd need to stop thinking that way.

I need to move through that. But the truth is, you know, I have triggers. And I, and I can see things, even if you don't intend it to be a certain way, I can be seeking in a certain way. So I have to all that about myself. I'm a deep-feeling person. I'm not a person who feels a little bit quickly.

So you give myself this space in time to sort of say, I heard my feelings. And accepting that also frees me up, to really zoom out and get some perspective about why I'm feeling that way. And I'm able to really vent the feeling to see if there is any factor or substance in my mind. Mm-hmm. Is this just a function of my feelings? Because, you know, my feelings can take me

from the worst case scenario very quickly. So I have to pause and say, is it that, you know, they're not answering the phone because they hate me and they don't want to be my friend or more. They don't have time for me. I'm not important to them. Or are they taking a nap? Are they in the meeting? Are they otherwise disposed? I did myself taking time to really fit with that. Do I have a reason for the use? What my mind is telling me.

Or instead of letting that feeling rule my thinking, acknowledging that I have this feeling, in enough space to be critical of the feeling, not from a place of I shouldn't be having it, but really trying to get at the root of what is it, what is it forming it? And then once I have that information, I can make better choices. And once I have that information, I can make better choices.

The reparenting comes, the practices that I'm able to sort of do the lock quicker. Yeah. When I first started, it would take me a little bit more. Don't even get me started. My husband, maybe you gonna get, I'ma need a minute. I'ma need a minute, I'ma need, I'ma need, I mean, I'm proud of me, but this about you, but I'm proud of me.

Yes, yes. I'm gonna need some space. I'm still having some strong feelings about this. Yeah, yes. But I'm still having some very strong feelings about this. But yeah, happy creating space to ask myself question and really sort of check in with myself. And to your point being proud of and rewarding myself. A lot of my

childhood was, you know, I grew up in the house where my mom was like, you didn't get it for right for doing what you're supposed to do. Yeah, you're supposed to do. You're supposed to do this. It's so like there was no special occasions. There was no special treatment because you're supposed to get straight A. You're supposed to be why I tell you to be. You're supposed to do what I say. And so there was not a lot of...

I knew there was an appearance in my family with a child. We're proud of me. But I didn't get a lot of... ...at a girl. I'm learning how to give them to my house. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I believe that journaling is a safe place for authentic self-discovery. No wonder years ago when I created a blog, I began to learn new things about myself. Writing and connecting with women was life-changing for me. The experience was heavy yet, liberating.

It opened me up to a world of opportunity. Getting to know our true selves takes time as we're constantly evolving. I've personally found therapy to be an effective tool for deepening the relationship I have with myself. Therapy can benefit anyone. It unlocks authenticity and empowers individuals to be the best version of themselves. If you're interested in starting online therapy, choose BetterHelp. As the world's largest counseling service, it will deliver the quality of care you deserve. Simply fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist today. And yes, you can switch therapists at no additional charge in hopes of finding the right fit.

Since support is just a click away, discover your potential with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash evolve today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash evolve. Okay, that makes me want to make sure that I tell you I'm proud of you even more. Just randomly. Even just randomly.

When I tell you, no, it's, you know, everything's fine. No, because I, I mean, can I speak? Probably at once a month, I say we just kind of push each other and be like, hey, you still live over there, the devil up off your back, anything I can pray for? But I think randomly, just when I take you on proud of you, just know that no matter what is going on in your world, even if I don't know it specifically,

that I am proud of you for being you. So I'm gonna do better at that. I have one more question for you before we go. And I want to know, okay, but don't pick someone, don't pick a family member, because like, you know, moms, grandmoms, they're all good. We love them, God bless them. But I want to know the woman in your life

who is most impacted who you are. One woman. You can oh, a one, a one of many. That one nobody starts beefing over it, you know. Yeah, I don't want to do this, and you're supposed to not to hide. Um. Um. If I was a person that comes to my mind, well, two people come to my mind, but you're going to make me one. Um. Um, my dissertation chair, my advisor, it's like, this is like a professional mentor from your name is Dr. Sam Freezebrett.

I knew that when I wanted to pursue this degree in this sort of career path, when I wanted to pursue this degree in this sort of career path, it was very important to me to have a model like I wanted to know how to be a black woman in these spaces because I didn't want to do it when I needed to compromise parts of myself. And so I remember when I was selecting doctoral programs, I was very intentional about who I wanted to work with.

And I came across Dr. Freeze with her. Many people encouraged me to read Dr. Herber. I did my research and I got into the program. The first sort of preview activity was held at her house. I think she was the program director at the time. And I brought, you know, I had my little seat and I came in with a chip on my shoulder because, you know, I was carrying all of the trauma of all of my prior academic and professional experiences. And I had this armor on. And I was like, I'm here to get this degree. Let's just, you know, let's just get to it.

We don't kick and cut out all these pleasantries. I don't have time. Vivala, vivala. And she saw right through me immediately and invited me to her guest room and close the door and was like, what's wrong with you? And I, and I like burst into tears. Like I did not plan it, but it just sort of like all of that

performance and feeling like I needed to sort of be a certain way to be accepted. All of that came out, all of the prior, going through, it's hard to be a black woman going through, it's hard to be a black woman and predominantly white space trying to get some trained in, trying to get some provincial science to sort of navigate it, probably you all of that. So you sort of put on this armor and I didn't realize how I had become bitter. But immediately in our very first sort of in-person interaction, Dr. Freezebrett affirmed me

and she told me very directly, you are here because you are qualified. You are here because you deserve to be here. I believe in you and you don't have to change anything about you to be who God me how to be myself. Why? There's so much like all of that performance stuff. Like I was really deep in that. You know, from like we were talking about before, from the family stuff, from the church stuff,

from the professional stuff. There was lots of layers of what I thought I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to be. And I never gave myself the opportunity. And no one before Dr. Frisbert looked me in my face and said, you are here because you are qualified. And since then, she has shown up for me and held me accountable to that authenticity, to honoring the opportunity to representing myself with integrity, excellence, and being fully, thirsty, waltz it, get on me. With my long nails and my hope earrings

and my platinum hair and never feeling like I needed to be anything other than that. And it was okay if I was both. I didn't have to choose. I needed, you know, whether I was going to be funny on Twitter and taking seriously in in in the workplace, but I could do both. Yeah, both things can be true. So I

was hard to pick just one, but Dr. Frisbert So I was hard to pick just one, but Dr. Frisbert um, changed the game and she showed up for me when everything fell apart. Well, and I have to ask you, what do you hope that she knows about her impact on your life? I hope that she knows that we know those of us who we have taught and mentored and trained. We know the level of sacrifice. We know what she had to continue with. We know that she's able to open the doors, that she's able to open for us, because she had to find her way through them.

I want her to know that her giving us permission to be human and to be real, to be authentic and accessible, spent and valuable. And it sort of shifted the way that we do things. It shifted the way that we do things. It's just the way that I do things. It's just that it makes me want to do the same for other people. Well, I think with team typing fast that you're doing that. And what you do on Twitter, even what you're doing through the podcast, I think is an opportunity for you to help women who are on a similar journey. Maybe it's an academia, maybe it's health, maybe it's overcoming grief, maybe it's side hustling while also having this corporate thing. I just want you to know that what you're doing makes a big difference and that we are better because you said yes and that

we're all going to get grown together and we're going to thank God for the teachers and tutors who were there along the way and you will be one of them. So thank you. Thank you for taking the time to do this. Thank you for being patient with me and for giving so much of yourself. Thank you for the opportunity.

You know, I always love a chance to connect with you and I'm glad that you would, you know, be me worthy to come and hang out with you on this platform. I love everything that you're doing, everything that you're building and I told you that we got your back. So you just let me know how you need me to support. And I'm always happy to do that.

I love you and I mean. I love you too. Big time. All right, Fran, I'm proud of you. Thank you, Fish. I'm I love you too. Big time. All right, friend, I'm proud of you. Thank you, sis. I'm proud of you too. Bye. Bye. Dr. Kia, you are such a wealth of information. I am thankful that our delegation gets to experience your brilliance, what a bright light it is. This conversation will transform the lives of so many women. Speaking of so many women, which one of y'all want a co-host?

An upcoming episode with me. Since I'm waiting for you to hit up podcast at warmnivov.com, don't leave me hanging. Thanks for watching! you